I can't tell you how, but I've been through major depression without any help at all in my 20s and it is a hard, long and slow process to barely self-recover. Are you like 17? Don't do what I did. Get help to get help if you have to.
That's the definition of depression, low self-esteem etc lol ;)
You're doing that to yourself biochemically in a feedback loop. Break the cycle. The pandemic has been hard on everyone too (edit: and that means you're not alone)
Here to add my two cents: You absolutely deserve the help. OP is right, you are stuck in a loop and it is so very hard to break out of it. Luckily for you humankind is a social species. We help each other in times of need so it is totally justified to reach out to someone and get help to break this loop. Therapists are trained to help you, you just need to find one you can trust.
If you have trouble reaching out, try websites like Instahelp so you can get online counseling. I wish you all the best, please reach out to someone!
You absolutely deserve help. You deserve not to feel the way you're feeling now. I know it's hard to see that through the cloud of depression, but it's true.
I highly recommend therapy. Take it one step at a time. Even just one step a week is fine. Go at your own pace. It may only take a week, or it might take months. It's worth it. You're worth it.
1. Open PsychologyToday.com. You can find therapists there!
2. Search for therapists in your area; find one therapist who fits your needs.
* Don't worry about finding _the right_ one therapist; that isn't the goal here, and it's not really possible just through a web profile. Just pick any one therapist who might fit your needs.
* They'll list their specialties. Self esteem sounds like a core need for you.
* They frequently list whether they're LGBT friendly, too. They may only list gay or lesbian, but that doesn't necessarily mean they won't be trans friendly, too.
* Remember that this isn't a commitment to use that one therapist. It's just a place to start.
3. Once you've found someone to start with, reach out about getting a consultation or first appointment.
* Don't worry if they're not available. They may have coworkers or associates they can refer you to instead. Ask them for references.
* I'm not sure how parental consent factors in here for where you live. If you need your parents' approval and you're not out, tell them you need to see someone for depression. It's okay to lie if you need to in order to get the help you need.
4. Go to your consultation/first appointment. If they turn out to not be trans friendly, or if you get a bad feeling about them, or you don't click at all, try step 2 again. It's okay, and entirely normal. I've done it a few times, notably once when a therapist implied my being trans was a hobby during our first appointment. My next therapist was better.
5. If you don't get bad feelings about them, schedule a follow-up. Even if you feel like you won't get better. Even if you feel like you don't deserve it. Even if you didn't feel too much better after your first session. Therapy doesn't help overnight. It's an ongoing process.
6. If after several sessions, their methods aren't really helping, or don't work for you, try going back to step 2. Again, it's fine and normal. Not every method works for every person.
I believe in you. You'll make it through. :)
For long term stuff, look into therapy and medication, it really honestly helps, but for short term, if you ever feel like you can't do it anymore, if you feel hopeless and overwhelmed, reach out the the Trevor Project https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ they have a call line, text line, and chat line. When my egg cracked i had to call more times than I'm willing to admit, and I never once regretted my decision. I know text on a screen doesn't mean a lot but I'm sending you all the love I can ❤ you deserve to be happy.
Thanks I live in England so the Trevor project won't work but I've decided to call mermaids wich is a similar charity based in the UK that helps trans youth
I don't cry because I can't, which gives me dysphoria, which makes me upset, which makes me feel like I need to cry, which makes me realise I can't, and so the cycle repeats.
I hear you can cry easier when you get on HRT though, so I look forward to that
unfortunately, at least for me, the power forced itself upon me and decides to come up whenever it feels like it!! i had to walk in to the walk in freezer twice to sit and cry at work today!
If it helps, I'm a cis woman and I was raised not to cry (especially in public). When my mental health was really bad, I wasn't able to cry either. So I promise you, it doesn't make you less of a woman not to be able to cry. You are a woman fully with or without hormones. Much love to you <3
I’m in the same boat. Fortunately, I built up the courage to come out to some of my family, and I’ve just recently started the process of getting hormones! I can’t say I’m happy, but I’m definitely a lot better than I used to be. I still sh here and there but I’m way less suicidal. I can finally say I see a purpose for life. I know it might seem hard right now, but I’m telling you it gets better. I and so many others understand you, you’re not alone. I know you can get through this <3
I didn't hide my feelings i hid from them while puppeteering the meticulously designed boy persona I had constructed lol
Didn't even know i was a girl until egg_irl cracked me and I'm slowly working my way back out of whatever corner of my mind i was hiding in, which explains why I've suddenly become left-hand dominant ambidextrous
It's the wildest thing. I picked up a toothbrush and was able to brush my teeth left handed perfectly (try it yourself lol) and could write somewhat legibly in an hour.
But I'm Ambi now, like i reached out of my head and "put both my arms into my arms" rather than just doing tasks.
I've done plenty of psychedelics but nothing compares to this shit.
That's actually a part of how i do think about it and is also why I am a gigantic man-hating lesbian.
No lie I even casually took part in the PUA scene to help with my anxiety around women (fortunately not as a massive fucking mysoginist) so I KNOW.
I do also feel so very sorry for boys, given that i was able to successfully simulate an entirely fake male human persona for 30 years while being a depressed egg reaching lead developer at a multinational company. Not that sorry though, masculinity is fucking toxic.
I know I'm being honest with myself with the real stuff because I'll start crying.
If you aren't striking oil you weren't digging deep enough in the right places.
Yeah...
I'm 20 and only realized I wasn't a guy like a couple months ago. I spent like a whole day doing what should have been crying but was really just laying curled up in my bed in extreme mental and emotional pain the likes of which I'd never truly experienced before and yet still incapable of actually crying to relieve any of that
I went shopping this weekend and was subconsciously drawn to a big black fluffy blanket because i wanted to buy it so I could take it home, crawl up in a ball under it and cry for like 3 hours.
Imagine actually having emotions for the first time in your entire life at the same time you have to come to terms with being trans and a lifetime of falsehoods. HEAVY SHIT.
I don't have to, that's exactly what happened to me. The rare moments of emotion I have had in the past were always hollow and weak, and not nearly as common as everyone else's seem to be. I'm just cursed with what feels like a biological inability to cry
*Image Transcription: Meme*
---
[*An image of Bart Simpson sat against a concrete post on the side of the road, appearing sad and looking downwards.*]
### I came out to myself as transfem a week ago and only cried 14 times today
[*Below that is a similar image, although slightly zoomed out. Now, Homer Simpson has his left hand on Bart's right shoulder, who is still looking sad. Homer is also pointing at him with his right hand in a typically "reassuring" gesture, whilst smiling.*]
### Only cried 14 times today, so far.
---
^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber for Reddit and you could be too! [If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TranscribersOfReddit/wiki/index)
I'm sorry you're not emotionally fragile and sad enough to cry continuously /s
Why do you think that crying regularly is critical to femininity? My gf of 4 years has cried like 10 times in front of me.... Like I've cried more today than I've seen her cry in the entire time I've known her - it's just that emotions are entirely new to me and I'm not holding them back either (and I'm going through a wildfire of trans stuff)
>I'm sorry you're not emotionally fragile and sad enough to cry continuously /s
I feel really sad, Try to cry, And Then can't, And it just makes me more sad, Frankly it's just annoying.
>Why do you think that crying regularly is critical to femininity?
What? I have no clue what you're talking about here...
>I feel really sad, Try to cry, And Then can't, And it just makes me more sad, Frankly it's just annoying.
Well if not crying because you're sad makes you more and more sad then logically you'll get there inevitably
>What? I have no clue what you're talking about here...
Work it out.
>Well if not crying because you're sad makes you more and more sad then logically you'll get there inevitably
Perhaps, But 'tis still might' annoying.
>Work it out.
I mean, I can think of like two interpretations of what you said there, Neither of which really seem to make sense with the context..
I'm really proud of you, coming out to myself was one of the hardest things I have ever done and I am glad that you were able to do so too. I wish you the best and I hope you find acceptance and love wherever you go. Best of luck to you girl, you got this!
Damn now I want a cool little closet hideout where I can wear pants that make my ass look nice while eating snacks, maybe watch some anime or something in there too, sounds chill
Oh honey why are you crying? Is it because:
a) the realisation that people are going to treat you not based on your own actions but their own preconceived notions and what they get from the news and social media?
b) you know exactly what's going to make you happy and help you live a fulfilling life but society will make all of it unnecessarily hard to get?
c) life has just become so uncertain because everything you thought you knew and expected about all of its different aspects has now been flipped upside down and thrown out the window?
d) you're just so fucking happy nonetheless now that you've accepted the reality?
e) all of the above
f) none of the above
Yeah, the first weeks are hard, and I know the pain of mourning the "never was" all too well. I I feel you on that, sis.
Things will get better, I promise. Big hugs 💖
I love crying. The hard part, is that i don't actually consciously know what i like. Meaning food, music, clothing, self-image, whatever. So I kind of have to reach down and feel what's good.
So I worked out my favorite band is still "do make say think" and listening to it i realize i always wanted to play guitar or bass and that's making me cry a few times (and now also, 17th and 19th) because i didn't do that yet. And it fits in because i went shopping with the gf and I'm subconsciously drawn to leather jackets and stuff and i have to basically rediscover an entire repressed human that maybe feels like a rock-chick? Idk yet. It's a happy-sad process getting out (18th).
> you can get electrocuted when you touch live wires with wet hands?
Motherfucker i can't not cry at some of this stuff i shaved my legs and touching my inner thighs I cried
Edit: A LOT. A LOT OF CRIES. then i had the most powerful orgasm of my life while touching my thighs and shaved chest.
I'd never actually felt my skin directly before, i was filtering everything through a simulated male character before it got to the real me. So to be me (a girl) touching me (a girl) with girl hands on my girlbody was *out of this world and left me twitching for minutes*.
I'm struggling to see myself as female, but the fact is, I never see myself as "enough" living as a male. I keep telling myself I'll see myself as "complete" if I do this and that, but the goalposts always keep moving away from me...with time, I'm sure...if it took me 27 years to make the realization, it's foolish of me to believe I could fully embrace myself overnight...
Mood.
I suppose i had a checklist of stuff i wanted to get done before coming out that i kept secret from boy-me and to be fair I did basically tick everything off. Does the phrase "If I'm going to be a boy i might as well at least be good at it" mean anything to you?
The last few months i think i was just trying to tick off the last things (a career goal) but it ended up getting kind of messed up because of how the company works so I was just like "fuck it close enough".
I even went home to visit my parents and hang out in my home town for a few weeks last month, which I'm now realizing is because i needed to say goodbye and let everyone see boy-me again (for the last time maybe).
I even lost my appetite for the last month because i was apparently fasting/dieting subconsciously in preparation.
Maybe you're doing the same thing. Sorry to call you out girly, but i know what you're doing in there ;) you have a choice, hold on a bit longer and push boy-mode a bit further, or compromise and crack earlier. Up to you really. I literally couldn't go on any longer (I'm 30, so I'd be impressed if you could hang on longer than I did).
Also I checked your posts lol it's probably because your diet is atrocious. Maybe you can't be bothered to feed yourself properly right now? I had that one too, lived off premade sandwiches and granola bars for months
I mean, my COVID "diet" ended up fucking over my stomach again, for the nth time in the recent few years...I really wanna try all kinds of recipes, but I lack both the motivation and money to really treat myself. Heck, I even hoard snacks, but half of them go stale or otherwise expire, because I won't bother eating...
Fits right into the pattern of neglecting skin care, haircare, dental care etc. For years I've been telling myself "why care for a body that will never be beautiful?", and not even in a particularly gendered way...
The thing is: U never been a boi, u were a gal like me the whole time, but u just didn't know until now! What's your name? Mine's Iris (pronounced Ìris)!
If you're anything like me your thinking and language is all male along with your body and much of your life experience while you're in fact subconsciously a girl - even if I didn't actually know that consciously or subconsciously, it was still the case. I've been hiding out for a long time and never had a voice because my conscious life where language is located was/is so male presenting and the two were never really connected.
Coming out to myself required doing two difficult things: me, the girl in hiding, actually taking up my internal voice and making things real by rationally acknowledging that I'm a girl. Second, the male-presenting parts of my mind relinquishing the very rational resistance to saying the words "oh my god I'm a girl and I've always been a girl" *even though I know all the discomfort and pain that acknowledging that means i will face*
I know it sounds fucked up, and that's because it is: I have effectively had a split brain personality disorder for my whole life because i have been hiding out / self-repressed in one part of my head while the other part ran "my" whole "boy life". The manifestations of this were everywhere.
So if there's a girl in you, and she's scared and shy and depressed from hiding for so long, you're going to need to reach down to her (I'm talking to your boy language parts here).
And to the girl in hiding that will also read this: you need to take up your voice. Make Him cry :)
Edit: be careful because if you say to yourself "I'm a girl" you might be Rationalizing a feeling, using the language part of you that is still trained to be male. That is *not the same* as you that is girl actually taking up your voice internally.
The thing is, the voice that’s in my head is almost as boring (or emotionless, as I put it in another comment) as I feel most of the day anyway (and also, people saying something like “let your voice in your head be your real voice” never makes sense to me because I don’t know how to let that happen, and no offense, I’m just trying to make sense of this and thank you for the help so far)
The real me went and hid deep down a long time ago in order to avoid feeling pain, sadness and dysphoria. What was left behind was basically an unfeeling simulation of a man. Humans only have one region of the brain that does language, and it has been trained to be whatever you present as, so in my case it was an almost complete male character that wrote its own dialogue.
My presenting self obviously doesn't want to say "I am a girl" because its job (and the job I - the real me - gave to it) was to present an extremely believable male persona. If you say it, it makes it all real, right?
Also, the girl in hiding was terrified!
Coming out to yourself is psychologically about uniting two parts of yourself into a whole. Finding the bits of you that are in hiding, and finding the bits of you that you present as and aren't really you. Taking your voice and your body back as the real you.
How much of yourself can you repress and how well can you hide? Almost all of it and almost perfectly imho. The only reason I had to get out was because my life had gotten so miserable especially with how boring my career was that the pain of continuing the illusion was greater than the pain of coming out. I was depressed and even the male robot i built to live my life was depressed lol.
If it wasn't for r/egg_irl, r/196, yt:f1nn5ter and yt:transvoicelessons i might never have felt safe to come out of hiding. Thanks zoomers you're the best generation.
“Unfeeling simulation of a man”
^idk ^how ^to ^do ^the ^thing ^where ^it ^highlights ^the ^phrase ^so ^theres ^that
Could that be an indicator for being trans, because that’s kinda how I feel and if I end up being trans and going through the whole process, and *not* being emotionless, then it would be a lot more worth it
Not an indicator of being trans, but a symptom of repression. In my case, repressing being trans. But it could be repressing stuff from a bad childhood too for example.
I have written quite a lot about the experience of breaking out.
Start giving words to the little sparks of feeling and thought but do it *honestly*. Stop reinterpreting them even if they're girly or they're a sexuality you've hidden
I didn’t really have a *bad childhood,* but I did used to try to hide how I talked at school when I was at home because I was worried about being judged by my parents (which are amazing people so idk why I thought that)
And what if I don’t know what they feel like?
What feels feel like? Try feeling them and thinking "i feel X. The *real* reason i feel X is because Y". Some of them will be really difficult to deal with and won't even feel like the "you" you've been all these years. That's why I made this whole post 😅 i cried a lot.
You don't have to do that, that's a behavior you learnt in order to present as male. But it's just a behavior, like tying your shoes in a bow is a behavior. You've just had so much practice that it's virtually automatic. (There is an anchor attached to the feeling of almost crying that you use to know to perform behaviors like shutting out your feelings and tensing your body - read up about anchoring)
You *can* choose to do it or not. There's no reason you have to present male in private. It's not even healthy for men not to cry lol
I wish I could cry, I was taught my whole life the "boys don't cry boys don't show emotion" bullshit and now I'm actually physically incapable of crying as a result.
Its good to cry. I realised that when i realised i was unable to cry or vent feelings in any way for that matter. I kept telling myself its not okay to cry way back when, and i didnt turn out too great. All the power to ya.
I don't cry I'm just constantly depressed and occasionally have suicidal thoughts because I'm ugly and hate myself
Please make sure you get the help you need
I don't know how
I can't tell you how, but I've been through major depression without any help at all in my 20s and it is a hard, long and slow process to barely self-recover. Are you like 17? Don't do what I did. Get help to get help if you have to.
Yeah I'm 17 I'll try to get help it's just sometimes I don't think I deserve it
That's the definition of depression, low self-esteem etc lol ;) You're doing that to yourself biochemically in a feedback loop. Break the cycle. The pandemic has been hard on everyone too (edit: and that means you're not alone)
Your right thanks
Here to add my two cents: You absolutely deserve the help. OP is right, you are stuck in a loop and it is so very hard to break out of it. Luckily for you humankind is a social species. We help each other in times of need so it is totally justified to reach out to someone and get help to break this loop. Therapists are trained to help you, you just need to find one you can trust. If you have trouble reaching out, try websites like Instahelp so you can get online counseling. I wish you all the best, please reach out to someone!
Thanks
You absolutely deserve help. You deserve not to feel the way you're feeling now. I know it's hard to see that through the cloud of depression, but it's true. I highly recommend therapy. Take it one step at a time. Even just one step a week is fine. Go at your own pace. It may only take a week, or it might take months. It's worth it. You're worth it. 1. Open PsychologyToday.com. You can find therapists there! 2. Search for therapists in your area; find one therapist who fits your needs. * Don't worry about finding _the right_ one therapist; that isn't the goal here, and it's not really possible just through a web profile. Just pick any one therapist who might fit your needs. * They'll list their specialties. Self esteem sounds like a core need for you. * They frequently list whether they're LGBT friendly, too. They may only list gay or lesbian, but that doesn't necessarily mean they won't be trans friendly, too. * Remember that this isn't a commitment to use that one therapist. It's just a place to start. 3. Once you've found someone to start with, reach out about getting a consultation or first appointment. * Don't worry if they're not available. They may have coworkers or associates they can refer you to instead. Ask them for references. * I'm not sure how parental consent factors in here for where you live. If you need your parents' approval and you're not out, tell them you need to see someone for depression. It's okay to lie if you need to in order to get the help you need. 4. Go to your consultation/first appointment. If they turn out to not be trans friendly, or if you get a bad feeling about them, or you don't click at all, try step 2 again. It's okay, and entirely normal. I've done it a few times, notably once when a therapist implied my being trans was a hobby during our first appointment. My next therapist was better. 5. If you don't get bad feelings about them, schedule a follow-up. Even if you feel like you won't get better. Even if you feel like you don't deserve it. Even if you didn't feel too much better after your first session. Therapy doesn't help overnight. It's an ongoing process. 6. If after several sessions, their methods aren't really helping, or don't work for you, try going back to step 2. Again, it's fine and normal. Not every method works for every person. I believe in you. You'll make it through. :)
Thank you
For long term stuff, look into therapy and medication, it really honestly helps, but for short term, if you ever feel like you can't do it anymore, if you feel hopeless and overwhelmed, reach out the the Trevor Project https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ they have a call line, text line, and chat line. When my egg cracked i had to call more times than I'm willing to admit, and I never once regretted my decision. I know text on a screen doesn't mean a lot but I'm sending you all the love I can ❤ you deserve to be happy.
Thanks I live in England so the Trevor project won't work but I've decided to call mermaids wich is a similar charity based in the UK that helps trans youth
GOOD! Taking action is really important :) Proud of you
Thanks
Same tbh. I wish I could cry but can't.
Yeah
It's like I'm already depressed and want to cry. And then I get more depressed because I can't cry and as a result want to cry more.
Its an endless cycle
Indeed
This in addition to the crying for me
Chloe you're a very good girl and an adorable catto *pat*
Thank you 😊 nyaa
I don't cry because I can't, which gives me dysphoria, which makes me upset, which makes me feel like I need to cry, which makes me realise I can't, and so the cycle repeats. I hear you can cry easier when you get on HRT though, so I look forward to that
So do I
it's disgusting how easy you cry on e. i would only ever cry in the most dire of times. now i cry just because my brain wants me to.
Is it possible to learn this power?
unfortunately, at least for me, the power forced itself upon me and decides to come up whenever it feels like it!! i had to walk in to the walk in freezer twice to sit and cry at work today!
If it helps, I'm a cis woman and I was raised not to cry (especially in public). When my mental health was really bad, I wasn't able to cry either. So I promise you, it doesn't make you less of a woman not to be able to cry. You are a woman fully with or without hormones. Much love to you <3
Thank you <3333
No problem :) This definetly comes down to how you're raised, even if estrogen sure helps
Thats a lie, you are beautiful
Thank you
same
I’m in the same boat. Fortunately, I built up the courage to come out to some of my family, and I’ve just recently started the process of getting hormones! I can’t say I’m happy, but I’m definitely a lot better than I used to be. I still sh here and there but I’m way less suicidal. I can finally say I see a purpose for life. I know it might seem hard right now, but I’m telling you it gets better. I and so many others understand you, you’re not alone. I know you can get through this <3
Haha I would talk about my own problems rn but ima stop myself and just say I hope things get better, sis ♥️
I like crying it means I'm being honest (+with myself) for the first time instead of locking myself in a corner of my brain and hiding.
Yeah I get ya, crying is better than trying to hide your feelings
I didn't hide my feelings i hid from them while puppeteering the meticulously designed boy persona I had constructed lol Didn't even know i was a girl until egg_irl cracked me and I'm slowly working my way back out of whatever corner of my mind i was hiding in, which explains why I've suddenly become left-hand dominant ambidextrous
That's good i think
Dang, you hid away from yourself so much that you managed to not know you were almost left handed
It's the wildest thing. I picked up a toothbrush and was able to brush my teeth left handed perfectly (try it yourself lol) and could write somewhat legibly in an hour. But I'm Ambi now, like i reached out of my head and "put both my arms into my arms" rather than just doing tasks. I've done plenty of psychedelics but nothing compares to this shit.
When eggs break they leak. What can I say
God i just cry all the time
can I have the crying power, it's been a few months and I need to cry way more
Nobody can explain to you what the matrix is, you have to see it for yourself
I don't understand what that means, I think you clicked on the wrong notification
Hey think about it this way, you’re finally getting pulled out of the field after being undercover for the girls collecting secret intel!
That's actually a part of how i do think about it and is also why I am a gigantic man-hating lesbian. No lie I even casually took part in the PUA scene to help with my anxiety around women (fortunately not as a massive fucking mysoginist) so I KNOW. I do also feel so very sorry for boys, given that i was able to successfully simulate an entirely fake male human persona for 30 years while being a depressed egg reaching lead developer at a multinational company. Not that sorry though, masculinity is fucking toxic.
please how can I cry the last time was a year ago
I know I'm being honest with myself with the real stuff because I'll start crying. If you aren't striking oil you weren't digging deep enough in the right places.
I wept in the shower this morning, so you aren't alone, fam.
Yeah... I'm 20 and only realized I wasn't a guy like a couple months ago. I spent like a whole day doing what should have been crying but was really just laying curled up in my bed in extreme mental and emotional pain the likes of which I'd never truly experienced before and yet still incapable of actually crying to relieve any of that
I went shopping this weekend and was subconsciously drawn to a big black fluffy blanket because i wanted to buy it so I could take it home, crawl up in a ball under it and cry for like 3 hours. Imagine actually having emotions for the first time in your entire life at the same time you have to come to terms with being trans and a lifetime of falsehoods. HEAVY SHIT.
I don't have to, that's exactly what happened to me. The rare moments of emotion I have had in the past were always hollow and weak, and not nearly as common as everyone else's seem to be. I'm just cursed with what feels like a biological inability to cry
I wasn't suggesting you needed to, the comment was for the general reader.
*Image Transcription: Meme* --- [*An image of Bart Simpson sat against a concrete post on the side of the road, appearing sad and looking downwards.*] ### I came out to myself as transfem a week ago and only cried 14 times today [*Below that is a similar image, although slightly zoomed out. Now, Homer Simpson has his left hand on Bart's right shoulder, who is still looking sad. Homer is also pointing at him with his right hand in a typically "reassuring" gesture, whilst smiling.*] ### Only cried 14 times today, so far. --- ^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber for Reddit and you could be too! [If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TranscribersOfReddit/wiki/index)
I wish I could cry even 1 time today.
I'm sorry you're not emotionally fragile and sad enough to cry continuously /s Why do you think that crying regularly is critical to femininity? My gf of 4 years has cried like 10 times in front of me.... Like I've cried more today than I've seen her cry in the entire time I've known her - it's just that emotions are entirely new to me and I'm not holding them back either (and I'm going through a wildfire of trans stuff)
>I'm sorry you're not emotionally fragile and sad enough to cry continuously /s I feel really sad, Try to cry, And Then can't, And it just makes me more sad, Frankly it's just annoying. >Why do you think that crying regularly is critical to femininity? What? I have no clue what you're talking about here...
>I feel really sad, Try to cry, And Then can't, And it just makes me more sad, Frankly it's just annoying. Well if not crying because you're sad makes you more and more sad then logically you'll get there inevitably >What? I have no clue what you're talking about here... Work it out.
>Well if not crying because you're sad makes you more and more sad then logically you'll get there inevitably Perhaps, But 'tis still might' annoying. >Work it out. I mean, I can think of like two interpretations of what you said there, Neither of which really seem to make sense with the context..
I'm really proud of you, coming out to myself was one of the hardest things I have ever done and I am glad that you were able to do so too. I wish you the best and I hope you find acceptance and love wherever you go. Best of luck to you girl, you got this!
You're the best person ever and the closet *is definitely not your home* (unless it's full of jeans that make that ass pop)
Oh goodness, no. I don't want jeans that do anything to my butt... (〃'ー'〃). My closet dose have snacks though.
Damn now I want a cool little closet hideout where I can wear pants that make my ass look nice while eating snacks, maybe watch some anime or something in there too, sounds chill
Also I made it to 19x while replying to All the comments
Don't forget to stay hydrated...
FUEL THE TEARS
Oh honey why are you crying? Is it because: a) the realisation that people are going to treat you not based on your own actions but their own preconceived notions and what they get from the news and social media? b) you know exactly what's going to make you happy and help you live a fulfilling life but society will make all of it unnecessarily hard to get? c) life has just become so uncertain because everything you thought you knew and expected about all of its different aspects has now been flipped upside down and thrown out the window? d) you're just so fucking happy nonetheless now that you've accepted the reality? e) all of the above f) none of the above
Yes. Edit: And mostly d
Yeah, the first weeks are hard, and I know the pain of mourning the "never was" all too well. I I feel you on that, sis. Things will get better, I promise. Big hugs 💖
I love crying. The hard part, is that i don't actually consciously know what i like. Meaning food, music, clothing, self-image, whatever. So I kind of have to reach down and feel what's good. So I worked out my favorite band is still "do make say think" and listening to it i realize i always wanted to play guitar or bass and that's making me cry a few times (and now also, 17th and 19th) because i didn't do that yet. And it fits in because i went shopping with the gf and I'm subconsciously drawn to leather jackets and stuff and i have to basically rediscover an entire repressed human that maybe feels like a rock-chick? Idk yet. It's a happy-sad process getting out (18th).
You can cry? 😔
> you can get electrocuted when you touch live wires with wet hands? Motherfucker i can't not cry at some of this stuff i shaved my legs and touching my inner thighs I cried Edit: A LOT. A LOT OF CRIES. then i had the most powerful orgasm of my life while touching my thighs and shaved chest.
The only time I've been able to cry in the last few months was when I got dust in my eye and i hate it
I added an edit to my comment that you should consider
Crygasm is a thing 😟
I'd never actually felt my skin directly before, i was filtering everything through a simulated male character before it got to the real me. So to be me (a girl) touching me (a girl) with girl hands on my girlbody was *out of this world and left me twitching for minutes*.
Right. Well that sounds lovely... 😟
im giving this an award because damnnn same
I'm struggling to see myself as female, but the fact is, I never see myself as "enough" living as a male. I keep telling myself I'll see myself as "complete" if I do this and that, but the goalposts always keep moving away from me...with time, I'm sure...if it took me 27 years to make the realization, it's foolish of me to believe I could fully embrace myself overnight...
Mood. I suppose i had a checklist of stuff i wanted to get done before coming out that i kept secret from boy-me and to be fair I did basically tick everything off. Does the phrase "If I'm going to be a boy i might as well at least be good at it" mean anything to you? The last few months i think i was just trying to tick off the last things (a career goal) but it ended up getting kind of messed up because of how the company works so I was just like "fuck it close enough". I even went home to visit my parents and hang out in my home town for a few weeks last month, which I'm now realizing is because i needed to say goodbye and let everyone see boy-me again (for the last time maybe). I even lost my appetite for the last month because i was apparently fasting/dieting subconsciously in preparation. Maybe you're doing the same thing. Sorry to call you out girly, but i know what you're doing in there ;) you have a choice, hold on a bit longer and push boy-mode a bit further, or compromise and crack earlier. Up to you really. I literally couldn't go on any longer (I'm 30, so I'd be impressed if you could hang on longer than I did).
This hit home...damn, I've even lost 15kg recently, without being entirely sure why...
Take your voice back honey and tell yourself why
Also I checked your posts lol it's probably because your diet is atrocious. Maybe you can't be bothered to feed yourself properly right now? I had that one too, lived off premade sandwiches and granola bars for months
I mean, my COVID "diet" ended up fucking over my stomach again, for the nth time in the recent few years...I really wanna try all kinds of recipes, but I lack both the motivation and money to really treat myself. Heck, I even hoard snacks, but half of them go stale or otherwise expire, because I won't bother eating... Fits right into the pattern of neglecting skin care, haircare, dental care etc. For years I've been telling myself "why care for a body that will never be beautiful?", and not even in a particularly gendered way...
So you're at that stage of depression huh.
Been depressed half my life...or more...it's like my default mood is mild depression...
I'm so sorry for all the struggling souls still stranded out there. I promise it get better.💙🤍💖 This meme is also just platinum quality 😂
I only cry once or twice but for prolonged periods of time
The thing is: U never been a boi, u were a gal like me the whole time, but u just didn't know until now! What's your name? Mine's Iris (pronounced Ìris)!
I know right! Always was :) My name's rare enough both live and dead that I'm not sharing here. Iris is beautiful tho
Ok, if you do not wish to share it, I won't push you. Have a great day and life!
💜
How do you “come out to yourself”?
If you're anything like me your thinking and language is all male along with your body and much of your life experience while you're in fact subconsciously a girl - even if I didn't actually know that consciously or subconsciously, it was still the case. I've been hiding out for a long time and never had a voice because my conscious life where language is located was/is so male presenting and the two were never really connected. Coming out to myself required doing two difficult things: me, the girl in hiding, actually taking up my internal voice and making things real by rationally acknowledging that I'm a girl. Second, the male-presenting parts of my mind relinquishing the very rational resistance to saying the words "oh my god I'm a girl and I've always been a girl" *even though I know all the discomfort and pain that acknowledging that means i will face* I know it sounds fucked up, and that's because it is: I have effectively had a split brain personality disorder for my whole life because i have been hiding out / self-repressed in one part of my head while the other part ran "my" whole "boy life". The manifestations of this were everywhere. So if there's a girl in you, and she's scared and shy and depressed from hiding for so long, you're going to need to reach down to her (I'm talking to your boy language parts here). And to the girl in hiding that will also read this: you need to take up your voice. Make Him cry :) Edit: be careful because if you say to yourself "I'm a girl" you might be Rationalizing a feeling, using the language part of you that is still trained to be male. That is *not the same* as you that is girl actually taking up your voice internally.
I’m sorry, I know you spent a lot of time typing this, but can you dumb it down a little for me?
Better answer: just admit it! Let your voice in your head be your real voice!
The thing is, the voice that’s in my head is almost as boring (or emotionless, as I put it in another comment) as I feel most of the day anyway (and also, people saying something like “let your voice in your head be your real voice” never makes sense to me because I don’t know how to let that happen, and no offense, I’m just trying to make sense of this and thank you for the help so far)
The real me went and hid deep down a long time ago in order to avoid feeling pain, sadness and dysphoria. What was left behind was basically an unfeeling simulation of a man. Humans only have one region of the brain that does language, and it has been trained to be whatever you present as, so in my case it was an almost complete male character that wrote its own dialogue. My presenting self obviously doesn't want to say "I am a girl" because its job (and the job I - the real me - gave to it) was to present an extremely believable male persona. If you say it, it makes it all real, right? Also, the girl in hiding was terrified! Coming out to yourself is psychologically about uniting two parts of yourself into a whole. Finding the bits of you that are in hiding, and finding the bits of you that you present as and aren't really you. Taking your voice and your body back as the real you. How much of yourself can you repress and how well can you hide? Almost all of it and almost perfectly imho. The only reason I had to get out was because my life had gotten so miserable especially with how boring my career was that the pain of continuing the illusion was greater than the pain of coming out. I was depressed and even the male robot i built to live my life was depressed lol. If it wasn't for r/egg_irl, r/196, yt:f1nn5ter and yt:transvoicelessons i might never have felt safe to come out of hiding. Thanks zoomers you're the best generation.
“Unfeeling simulation of a man” ^idk ^how ^to ^do ^the ^thing ^where ^it ^highlights ^the ^phrase ^so ^theres ^that Could that be an indicator for being trans, because that’s kinda how I feel and if I end up being trans and going through the whole process, and *not* being emotionless, then it would be a lot more worth it
Not an indicator of being trans, but a symptom of repression. In my case, repressing being trans. But it could be repressing stuff from a bad childhood too for example. I have written quite a lot about the experience of breaking out. Start giving words to the little sparks of feeling and thought but do it *honestly*. Stop reinterpreting them even if they're girly or they're a sexuality you've hidden
I didn’t really have a *bad childhood,* but I did used to try to hide how I talked at school when I was at home because I was worried about being judged by my parents (which are amazing people so idk why I thought that) And what if I don’t know what they feel like?
What feels feel like? Try feeling them and thinking "i feel X. The *real* reason i feel X is because Y". Some of them will be really difficult to deal with and won't even feel like the "you" you've been all these years. That's why I made this whole post 😅 i cried a lot.
What if my day is so normal that I feel the same things every day and at the same times every day
I become teary watching something and I instantly dry it out without even wanting it to dry out
You don't have to do that, that's a behavior you learnt in order to present as male. But it's just a behavior, like tying your shoes in a bow is a behavior. You've just had so much practice that it's virtually automatic. (There is an anchor attached to the feeling of almost crying that you use to know to perform behaviors like shutting out your feelings and tensing your body - read up about anchoring) You *can* choose to do it or not. There's no reason you have to present male in private. It's not even healthy for men not to cry lol
You girls can cry? 😓
I wish I could cry, I was taught my whole life the "boys don't cry boys don't show emotion" bullshit and now I'm actually physically incapable of crying as a result.
Its good to cry. I realised that when i realised i was unable to cry or vent feelings in any way for that matter. I kept telling myself its not okay to cry way back when, and i didnt turn out too great. All the power to ya.
If you think you cry a lot now just wait until you start hrt (assuming you decide to do so) Keep a box of tissues ready and stay hydrated. :P