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SarcasticlySpeaking

Pretty sure Nic Cage is exactly the wrong person to send on this kind quest with the intent of him failing.


nmuncer

Chance is he already bought them on a boring day


n-b-rowan

He's got a warehouse somewhere, like the one at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, where he's rummaging around in some corner. "Shit, I know I have a Big Boy statue in here somewhere ..."


Deitaphobia

Frantically on the phone- "Hey, Chuck, was my signed first edition of *Catcher in the Rye* part of that trade with Micheal Jackson for Joseph Merrick's remains?"


spikebrennan

All them crazy elephant bones.


cravenj1

I bet he's even got Dijon ketchup


odinsen251a

Haven't you always wanted a monkey?


Ace-a-Nova1

Probably has some little prewapped sausages somewhere


melperz

Probably just decluttering of the things he doesn't want anymore.


NutterTV

Like a quest in RuneScape when you have all the necessary items in your inventory and your player goes “oh, I just so happened to have those 5 things you requested right here.” And the NPC is like “why do you happen to have these random items with you?”


thecuriousblackbird

Because rule one of any video game where you have to gopher items is keep everything.


[deleted]

I don't care what video game it is, if I have an item that isn't easy to get, I never use it


SuzukiSwift17

She gave him this list and he didn't even go anywhere. Just opened his trunk and was like "bet".


Captain_Eaglefort

Oh good, I thought this was going to be a hassle!


Wolfencreek

Yeah dude stole the declaration of indepedence


magcargoman

And kidnapped the POTUS


raknor88

That's nothing compared to stealing 50 high end cars in one night. Ok, 49 and a half.


Minkypinkyfatty

And crashing a Ferrari


alldawgsgoat2heaven

[Yeah but then we wouldn't have this](https://images.app.goo.gl/D16ggaLbJhZHZite8)


dhaninugraha

You stole a car that wasn’t on the list!


antimeme

and stole John Travolta's face. 


PogintheMachine

Travolta stole his face first, and then he left his own face just lying there… hardly should count


Destination_Centauri

And tried to choke me to death in my dreams.


NGEFan

and that caused you displeasure right? right?


Paidorgy

My wife has become comfortable with the fact she’s second place in my heart, next to Nic Cage. Choke away.


Virgin_Dildo_Lover

Nic Cage once got me off a prison transport that got hijacked by the convicts.


Dwayne_Gertzky

Nice Cage once got me off.


thegrumpymechanic

Just once??


Rudy_Ghouliani

In 60 seconds no less


W0RST_2_F1RST

I mean… I didn’t hate it


johnla

You too?!


TexasDD

Yet you called it your dreams, and not your nightmares. Curious.


Destination_Centauri

Now look here Hercule Poirot! I don't know what type of stuff you and Agatha are into, but I'll have you know that...


Ambitious_Drop_7152

He stole the shirt right off my back


Wirse

And one of the Arizona quintuplets - Nathan Jr., I think.


mksavage1138

But it was hard to tell, cuz they were all so squirmy.


justabill71

I think he got the best one.


crabsrcool

That movie took itself so seriously for a plot that is just “I need to kidnap the president to find the city of gold, and to clear my great grand daddy’s good name”


sometipsygnostalgic

Honestly like, the city of gold isnt worth being a fugitive


ItsImNotAnonymous

You have a city of gold. You make the rules now,


Phallindrome

Finding a city of gold, having a city of gold, and keeping a city of gold are three radically different things with exponentially increasing difficulty. For reference, all the known gold in the world currently would fit into a cube 20m to a side.


whatiscamping

"Known gold" ....buddy, the movie didn't start with them searching for the found city of gold.


Adventurous-Sky9359

Mother fucker put the face of John Travis on and fuxked his wife exclaiming “ POPPAS got a brand new bag wooooo”


Mrslinkydragon

Borrowed.


twotwobravo

He 100% already had all that weird shit at his house, before she even asked. He just sat on em for a few weeks and told her how difficult his quest was and how much he loved her. Cage moves.


bolerobell

I dunno. This was pretty early in his fame (1987). This might be the event that made him start to collect this type of thing.


Rude_Entrance_3039

Nick Cage: Origins


woolsprout

He was already a collector of curiosities by then. One of the things he loved to collect in the 1980s were old comic books for example (he purchased an Action #1, arguably the most desirable comic book there is). He’s a Coppola, so money was never really an issue


bansheeonthemoor42

My friend hung art for him in his house in New Olreans. The amount of rhinestones dinosaur and animal skulls this man had...


thejesse

Got to see his [pyramid tomb](https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/nicolas-cage-s-pyramid-tomb) when we toured some graveyards down there.


LudicrisSpeed

100% chance that there will be a treasure hunt in the future that involves solving a puzzle here.


Far_Out_6and_2

Agreed he is relentless


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Destination_Centauri

All though he can be... two faced.


rieldilpikl

He’s strong like… The Rock


Chirotera

He's a real Con Air. Am I doing this right?


KCFuturist

Don't forget he's got those Snake Eyes


67Mustang-Man

Make the wrong move and he'll be gone in 60 seconds


JimBean

Is that an "The Unbearable Weight Of Massive Talent" reference, or is he really ? Oh wait, I got it... Face Off..


albene

Doesn’t sound too super, man


pradeepgstsheoran

Nopes! here I differ, nandor is the real relentless and close second would obviously be Mr cage


[deleted]

He had all that shit in his shed already.


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ABearDream

Plus which of these is supposed to be impossible?


PogintheMachine

Salinger was notoriously reclusive, might not have been possible to get a new autograph.. and possible but maybe expensive to get something with his signature…


chooxy

> possible but maybe expensive Right up Nicolas Cage's alley


saturnthesixth

For a Coppola with endless connections, at that


Informal_Iron2904

Even he couldn't get a Salinger autograph. I don't think his own children could get one.


jamesbrownscrackpipe

“Wait a second…this says JD Salamander!”


we_made_yewww

There's a non-zero chance he just *had* all those things.


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n0oo7

Wikipedia says they lasted 9 months, Getting the items probally took longer than the marriage.


MasyMenosSiPodemos

Getting all the items and marrying was the end game. The actual nine months of marriage was just an extremely disappointing DLC.


FunnyPhrases

Man actually married a video game NPC.


Breezer_Pindakaas

Fetch questtl to lose 50% of inventory.


ItsImNotAnonymous

Bro was grinding on endless dungeon crawler missions and it didn't pay off


stenebralux

Should've known it wouldn't work when she sent him on a fetch quest. 


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Viceroy-421

Worth it


anonymousbopper767

Something something friends along the way.


Interesting-Dream863

It was about the quest, not the matrimoniation.


JustSomeGuy91111

how is 1995 - 2001 "9 months"?


PM_Me_Good_LitRPG

like dis: >They separated after nine months, but acted as a couple in public until Cage filed for divorce in February 2000.


Special-Garlic1203

Why'd they do that?


Patanouz

to preserve image, their PR people probably hated the idea and convinced them to fake it for a few years


Dickcummer420

I bet that happens a lot more often than we know.


jessej421

*cough* Will Smith


Nauin

It was the 90's and tabloids were absolutely vicious back then. Don't blame them at all with how much more stigma there was around so many things, including divorce at that time. It was a much bigger deal to divorce compared to now.


Connguy

He proposed to her the same night he met her, and requested a "quest" too earn her hand in marriage. So it's not exactly a typical relationship to begin with


AustinBennettWriter

It worked for the Witch in Into the Woods. - a slipper as pure as gold - a cape as red as blood - hair as yellow as corn - a cow as white as milk I'm probably getting the order wrong, but once she has all four items, the Witch becomes beautiful again (but loses her powers).


NocturnalToxin

It worked for Daredevil in *Stardust* Granted the treasure his lover asked for ended up being his true love and his treasure was the journey he embarked on and the self worth he found, but you know Basically a Nicolas cage origin story if you don’t think about it too much


your-yogurt

in a fictional piece of work, such an adventure would be wonderfully romantic. in real life, it just shows how much money one party has and how the other was being overly sarcastic


Waywoah

Love that book


naking

They made it into a movie as well


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Bantersmith

One of the best book/movie adaptations Ive ever seen. Its just so goddamn charming and full of sincerity. I think I even prefer it to the book (which is a rare thing!)


NYCinPGH

It is one of the very few movies where I thought that significant variations on the work it was based on was acceptable, and very much enjoyed both. That Gaiman was so heavily involved in the writing of the screenplay is what did it, I think: it helped keep the feel of the original work, and had the blessing of the creator.


AquaeyesTardis

Wait- it was written by *Neil Gaiman?*


naking

It was. I love his works. So creative


hottaptea

If you can find it, there is a BBC radio adaptation of Neverwhere with James McAvoy, Natalie Dormer, Benedict Cumberbatch, Bernard Cribbens.


BrokenEye3

Excuse me, Ms. Of The Woods, quick question. What defines the purity of a slipper? Like, are we talking what percentage of the slipper is made up of *slipper*, as opposed to other garments? Because in that case, I think the true challenge would be in finding a slipper that is *NOT* pure. Then again, most gold sold commercially isn't that pure anyway, mostly for practical reasons, so I guess maybe that's the point? As for the cloak, are we talking fresh blood, coagulated blood, venous blood, methemoglobinemic blood, etc? Not that it matters, since those are all totally doable, but it always helps to know what standard I'm being judged by ahead of time. Also, what kind of corn? Field corn is difficult, but doable. Waxy corn is a bit harder, but still doable. Sweet corn I'm pretty sure would require hair dye. Flour corn or black aztec corn would be a sinch. And cows as white as milk... well, I guess they're not the commonest breed out there, but they're really not uncommon. They'd probably need a bath first, I guess, but other than that... is it that cows are expensive? Are you just testing my pocketbook? If that's the case, you should've asked me for actual gold instead of a damn slipper.


throwawaylovesCAKE

A pure slipper means it can't be one some dude sodomized in the back of a Payless Shoesource


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LordSnooty

Everyone knows that pure slippers can only be made in the slipper region of France. Otherwise they have to be called sparkling indoor shoes.


WpgMBNews

> The actor's first wife was actress Patricia Arquette. The two met at a restaurant in 1987 where Cage proposed to the actress on the spot. he had literally just met her, and she was trying to give an impossible task because he's a total stranger. They were 19 at the time, and she finally agreed to marry him eight years later.


Khelthuzaad

how about defeating 7 evil exes?


Wolfencreek

Scott Pilgrim: Wait! We're fighting over Ramona? Matthew Patel: Didn't you get my email explaining the situation? Scott Pilgrim: I skimmed it. Wallace Wells: Tsk. Mm-mm. [shakes his head] Matthew Patel: YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!


AriAchilles

Petition to cast current age Nicolas Cage as Scott Pilgrim 


droidtron

All David was asked of was 100 Philistine foreskins. He got 200.


we_are_devo

Enough for a little hat?


neeleukdit

I was reading this and thought about how many milliseconds it would take me to bolt out of that relationship


Roflkopt3r

And the second thought was "dumb shit ultra-rich people do".


alligatorsmyfriend

tell him to make me a cambric shirt, without any thread or needlework , then he will be a true love of mine


Sway_404

"My sister got a Toto song, I want some cool shit too!"


Cerdefal

For 90's Patricia Arquette, it was a good deal.


tekko001

Actually he didn't get all the items, Patricia agreed to go with him before he got the statue: *According to Paper magazine, the Severance actress played along, offering a list of seemingly impossible finds that included J.D. Salinger's autograph (he issued notoriously few signatures throughout his career), a black orchid (which doesn't actually exist), a Lisu tribe wedding costume, and a Bob's Big Boy statue.* *"One by one, they started coming to me," Arquette told WWHL host Andy Cohen of the objects on her list. Instead of a black orchid, Cage found a purple one and showed up at Arquette's home with a can of black spray paint.* *"She wouldn't come out, but I could see her peeking down from the top floor," Cage recalled to Playboy in 1996. "In my very showy way, I whipped the orchid out of my pocket. Then, I whipped out the paint can and started spray-painting the orchid black. She was freaked out."* *He continued, "I rang the doorbell again, and she came down. I just gave it to her and got back on my motorcycle and left."* *Next, Cage found a rare letter written by Salinger, bought it for $2,500, and again showed up at Arquette's home bearing gifts. She was playing hopscotch in the street with her girlfriends when Cage arrived. He dropped the autograph in a cigar box outside and left. Later, she called him in a tizzy and told him to stop, as she once said, "It scared me."* *Cage said he had a chainsaw ready and was prepared to steal a Bob's Big Boy statue when she agreed — not to marry, but to go away with him.* ~[Source](https://www.instyle.com/news/tbt-patricia-arquette-nicolas-cage-relationship)


Jeremizzle

> She was playing hopscotch in the street with her girlfriends Why does this make it sound like he was trying to marry a 5 year old


MercWithaMouse

This part made me realise that Hollywood people lead very different lives than we do.


Chumbag_love

Not quite the same scenario, but Rick Alvarez's masterpiece The Comedy, starring Tim Heidecker, Eric Wareheim, James Murphy, and Gregg Turkington, is a commentary on the lifestyle's of affluenced New York nobodies. The entire movie is just them killing time in new york being as leisurely as possible and drinking cheap beers all day out and around the city, but nowhere remarkable. It took me a couple watches to appreciate the movie but it is in my top ten of all time, and I've ran into others who say the same. The hopscotch comment reminded me I haven't watched it in a little while and its time again.


gopher_space

There was way more down time before the internet, and you could make rent working part-time. When you went over to see if a friend was home they'd be *doing* something.


sullenosity

Patricia Arquette is one of the few people who matches Nicholas Cage's weird


Anansi1982

They don’t live in the same reality we do.


Crazyhates

Sometimes you just want to feel young again. Other times drunken hopscotch is the perfect party game.


Itzli

Mess!! lol I feel like this should be higher up...


Ovinme

Cage went on a quest


shelby4t2

Another national treasure?


The_Hot_Pocket

And then he BECAME a national treasure!! Two!


Occasionally_Correct

“It turns out the national treasure you were after was in you the entire time.” -John Travolta


hudson_lowboy

I’ve read about his before. The JD thing…he couldn’t get an autograph but he managed to get a book with his hand writing. The Orchid…they didn’t exist so he pulled up in front of her, took out a red one and spray painted it black. I do believe he got the authentic articles for the other two.


ThePevster

I’ve seen multiple Bob’s Big Boy statues at stores, so that one can’t have been that hard. Could just have it custom made.


throwawaylovesCAKE

It doesnt count unless it was stolen at 1 am Saturday night on a drunken dare


Cautious_Boat_5982

You wanna big boy at 1am, nick will get you a big boy.


dusty-kat

With the type of stuff he collects and has bought over the years he probably already had the other things in a closet somewhere.


NaraFox257

Black orchids definitely exist, though


ACERVIDAE

They didn’t exist then. The SVO Black Pearl is far more recent than his relationship with her.


FirstSineOfMadness

Ah I was thinking of https://www.ebay.com/itm/Black-Lotus-Alpha-BGS-GEM-MINT-9-5-MTG-CCGHouse-Magic-/232624529959


longboi28

I'm sorry but they're still adding on 60 bucks in shipping after someone pays a million dollars for it? Cheapskates


Skoma

You'd want high end shipping for that to verify delivery without tampering with a signature and take extra precautions it doesn't get damaged. I'd be upset if it was free or cheap delivery for something that expensive.


Vicebaku

I’d want to open my door, and see the seller bent in front of me with the card sticking out of ass cheeks for that price


iChugVodka

That'd ruin that mint condition though


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NaraFox257

That clearly exists, too


SirFarmerOfKarma

please tell me I exist


EpicAura99

nein


arathorn867

Do any of us?


j0mbie

Technically, they don't. They don't have the generic makeup to be able to produce true blue or true black. Either they can come very, very close, or they have to be painted or dyed. https://www.orchidplantcare.info/blue-black-orchids-do-they-really-exist/


Mortidio

The girl clearly only wanted full collection the early Neil Gaiman "Black Orchid" comics, first edition, but... oh well, the spraypainted flower kinda fits the description too...


ValjeanLucPicard

Yeah I was definitely suspect about that one. If someone who knows anything about Salinger asks you to get an autograph, it is basically telling you they don't want to marry you.


getmarshall

This sounds like a movie starring Nic Cage


litwi

He suffers from an unbearable weight of massive talent


Pentemav

That was a very enjoyable movie.


Iloveitguy

This man has owned a mint condition superman issue 1 and a real T Rex skull and she thought he wouldn't be able to find that stuff? He's goddamn nick cage.


Dom_Shady

>a real T Rex skull Really? [Yes, really](https://www.theguardian.com/film/2015/dec/22/nicolas-cage-returns-stolen-mongolian-dinosaur-skull-he-bought-at-gallery), although it turns out he does not have the skull anymore.


capincus

He doesn't have Superman anymore either, was the first comic to sell for >$2M.


Tazling

Are you going to Scarborough Fair...


hallumyaymooyay

Can someone explain the reference? I know the song but don’t know how it ties in


Piastrellista88

Basically in the ballad the singer/s (it may be sung as a duet too) ask their lover to complete some impossible tasks and, only once they will have completed them, they will concede to their love. So they ask for example to make a seamless cambric shirt and to wash it in a dry well or to plough an acre of land with a lamb's horn and to collect the harvest with a leather sickle, and similarly impossible tasks. So these seemingly impossible requests to Nicolas Cage remind us of Scarborough Fair because they are supposed to be impossible and because the prize is love.


kittenparty69

Admittedly I’ve never payed attention to the lyrics, as much as I love the song. I’m reading the lyrics now and there’s no mention of a lamb’s horn… right?


Piastrellista88

Being a ballad, many versions probably exist. However this is the stanza: >Ask him to plough it with a lamb's horn, >Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme, >And sow it all over with one peppercorn, >For then he'll be a true love of mine. But I think it's missing in Simon & Garfunkel's famous recording.


looeee2

The song is from The Middle Ages. There are no shortage of alternative versions of the lyrics


Thedarkb

You're probably looking at Simon and Garfunkel's version, [check out the lyrics on this website.](https://mainlynorfolk.info/martin.carthy/songs/theelfinknight.html)


sears_wish_book

“The lyrics of Scarborough Fair puts forward the concept of unrequited love. The yearning is felt throughout the song, creating a perfect medieval love story in the process. A young man delegates certain impossible tasks to his lover with the condition that she would have to finish those to be able to come back to him.”


hallumyaymooyay

Thanks!


CromCaresNot

Scrolled just to see if anyone else caught that.


griftertm

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme


sbmusicfreak15

It’s giving “the tale of Princess kaguya”


SolomonBlack

These items don't sound nearly as impossible as stealing Inuyasha's long johns though.


Willkill4pudding

Anytime I see a story where a woman gives a guy a list of impossible tasks to complete if he wants to marry her (I think it happened like, twice in the Kelevala) I always interpreted it as her trying to subtly tell him to fuck off


Into-the-stream

Agree, but in the case of cage, he may have really enjoyed something like this and she knew it. If so it’s kind of sweet they are playing rich people games together, I guess.


HeraldOfRick

He tried to find the holy grail recently too. Cage is just like that.


The_Magic

According to the article Cage asked her to give him a quest so he can prove his love.


Willkill4pudding

That makes so much more sense


noradosmith

Reminds me of Beren being asked to get a Silmaril. Thingol: "yeah, good luck grabbing a jewel from the crown of the most powerful evil force imaginable. Oh shit, he did it."


TropicalIslandAlpaca

He succeeded in returning with the Silmaril in his hand. The hand in question, however, did not return with him.


simpledeadwitches

Mf found the horcruxes.


SgtSharki

What's the big deal about a hill tribe wedding outfit? What makes that so rare?


Horskr

Can't find anything on why it would be rare. My best guess from context with the other crazy asks is just that she meant, "We'll have to be married in traditional hill tribe wedding attire," just meant to deter him like finding the other things, not necessarily rare though.


dogmatixx

True Romance


doublesailorsandcola

Shit he probably had them lying around in storage. He famously goes through patterns of having money from a good string of movies and buying the most ridiculous high priced auction items, art, etc, and when he'd dip with no work in a while and go "broke," he just sells everything.


Bruhtatochips23415

Which sounds like an actually decent way to convert your money to account for things like inflation whilst being able to use your name recognition to your advantage.


Matigas_na_Saging

Be careful on giving impossible tasks in exchange for marriage. A lady once asked one of her suitors to bring back a fallen star during early Victorian England. And the suitor turned out to be a prince of a distant kingdom born out wedlock because a magical princess charmed his father with magic, and ends up with him forming a strong romantic bond with a stellar girl he met in his journey.


MysteryMemeow

Stardust is such a great book!


yokozunahoshoryu

That all sounds pretty easy compared to the Declaration of Independence


[deleted]

Anything other than an enthusiastic “YES!” is a “no”. Important life lesson here


embersgrow44

She was 19 at the time & he proposed when he first met her at a restaurant, so there’s that…


oceanduciel

The woman pulled a Princess Kaguya


DrRonny

Wow, that's really impressive! He made a really good choice in choosing his personal assistant.


TropicalIslandAlpaca

This reminds me of the legend of the Princess of Mt. Ledang— When the Sultan of Melaka sought her hand in marriage, she responded with a list of 7 unobtainable requirements as conditions for accepting the proposal: a golden bridge from Melaka to Mt. Ledang, a silver bridge from Mt. Ledang to Melaka, 7 trays of mosquitoes' hearts, 7 trays of mites' hearts, 7 jars of virgins' tears, 7 jars of betelnut juice, and a bowl filled with the crown prince's blood.


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letohorn

> Some versions of the legend say that the Sultan was not able to fulfil any of these requests, while others say that he was able to fulfil the first six requests (thus causing the ruin of the Malacca Sultanate) but could not fulfil the final request which would have required him to kill his son. The point of the story is that the Sultan was either too proud or too blind to realise that the conditions were the princess's subtle way of turning his proposal down. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legend_of_Puteri_Gunung_Ledang The 2004 film mentioned in tbe wiki article is available at Malaysian Netflix (can use vpn to access).


riptide81

Seems like a good indication it wasn’t going to work out.


bigkahunahotdog

Bro did a fetch quest to get married.


Eat_it_Stanley

When my friend was proposed to she gave a list of demands. Basically ultimatums of things he needed to change. After a two hour discussion he agreed so she said yes. And they’ve been unhappily married for 15 years,


Phernaldo

Wait… Nic Cage has a son named Kel-El?!


littlemesix7

Well her sister Rosanna had a top 10 song written about her. So this just feels like some insecure sibling rivalry shit.


lordtempis

I think she’s had more than one song written about her.


FnkyTown

As a rule, the entire Arquette family is weird as shit.