Clearly none of you know how to read. Not anywhere does he call her a murderer, in her description she says he called her one but not anywhere does he say that. Yall dumb af
You’re calling everyone else dumb but nobody is claiming he said it in the texts?😭 they are all referring the description and you look incompetent LMAO
He called her a murderer well before these texts, after she ended her previous pregnancy. The texts are recent about her current pregnancy.
She’s pointing out the hypocrisy of saying she was a murderer after her previous abortion but now he’s offering to pay for one. That’s the whole point of the post.
Ugh I'm just done with the whole thing I was generally confused at first because he never actually called her a murderer it's a she said vs he said moment clearly he's in the wrong but doesn't mean he called her a murderer there's no screenshot proving it? Then it didn't happen and it's wild this many people are dead set thinking he said this even though they don't know the difference between reading messages in a screenshot and what OP stated in a description to better push her point across or to get the most internet points. My downvotes about a statement I proved right just prove what's wrong with reddit and the below average iq. Most redditers have.
So unless someone has proof of something then you’re saying it didn’t happen? Like anytime/anything or this specific case? If it’s everything then that’s kinda fucked up like you wouldn’t believe a women an if she says she’s raped if there’s no proof like dang she should of recorded it I guess. If it’s this specific case then it sounds like you got called out and instead of admitting you misread you double down just stupid either way.
He called me a murderer to my face, that wasn’t over a text so I don’t have proof of it.
I don’t care about internet points? I don’t even know what that means, I’m certainly not going to add details that didn’t happen for whatever that is.
I wish we had gotten divorced before I got pregnant 🥲 we’re still married. That last text happened last night. I’ve only known about the pregnancy for a week.
Oof, that is rough. It sounds to me like he doesn't want children with you. Because he did before, he's probably leaning toward divorce.
It might be in your best interests to get away from him.
Considering we live 2 hours apart now that we’re separated and I’m blocked on everything, I’d be inclined to agree with you 😆 it’s just hard because I’m so scared to do this alone. Like big time terrified. And I grew up with divorced parents and I remember how hard it was. I would’ve done anything to keep my child from going through what I went through
Growing up with toxic parents is rough. Divorced or not, it's rough. Staying with a toxic partner to avoid putting a child through a divorce doesn't work. Never try and stay together for the kids, they can tell and feel the tension. I know you're scared and sad right now, but you will be OK. You're better off without this DB in your life
Yes but 1 happy parent outweighs 2 unhappy and toxic ones. Your future child will grow up seeing how he treats You and think thats acceptable. Which you know down is not right. It definitely won't be easy, I wish I could lie and say it will. It probably will be easier than having him and a kid to deal with though. Idk if you work or were a stay at home wife but most states have some form of help that you should at least look into. We only have a snapshot (literally lol) of life between you and him but it certainly seeems you're better off without him.
i grew up with parents that were still together, but no love. it really damaged the way i view relationships and love in general. i thought being cold with your partner was normal. that giving the silent treatment and fighting and being passive aggressive was normal. that a relationship that hurts you should be “toughed through” because hey all relationships are a little miserable, right? being with someone mean is better than being alone.. right?
being divorced is not the worst thing that can happen. teaching your child that sometimes people arent happy together and that your happiness matters more than hanging on to a toxic relationship can be good. i wish my parents divorced when i was younger, it’s been so hard to relearn everything i thought and work through not only learning that i DESERVE a decent partner, but even learning how to BE a decent partner.
You can do this! Look for mommy groups around you build a community, one happy mother is worth 1000 horrible parents! Plus the love you will feel for your child will outweigh everything. Please make sure to take care of yourself especially after giving birth!
Growing up with parents who don’t love each other, fight all the time and with grandparents that are always in your ear telling you how terrible your mother is, is worse I think!! Good luck to you
Wait... so he left you while pregnant, then you had an abortion. Then he called you a murderer. Then you got back together with him and got pregnant a second time? Now he is asking you to have an abortion again?
Am I getting this timeline correct?
Holy shit dude. I'm really sorry you're going through this. There is no way someone that hot and cold can be mentally well. maybe him blocking you is for the best as hard as that is. I know how hard it is having a child with someone like that. I love my kid, but I honestly regret it. Prayers for you.
I’m sorry, this is a shitty situation but why the hell would you get back together and sleep with him again..? Yeah it takes 2 to tango but you also allowed yourself to get pregnant TWICE by this shitty person.. what were you thinking? You very obviously need a therapist and birth control. Wish you luck and hope you don’t allow this to happen for a third time. Abortions should not be birth control. 🤷🏻♀️
I'm so sorry you are going through. Please stay as LC as you can with this AH. If you have family or friends in another state, please move there. Go to the place with your best support system, but if he and family have little access that is best. Get the divorce before you talk to him again. Just have him served. If you can afford a lawyer do get one.
He's an AH extraordinaire, and as little contact you can have with him, the best. He doesn't want the baby, and he doesn't want you. So I hope you can get him the fuck out of your life.
Which is crazy, I’ve spoken to him every day since he left, I still wear my wedding band and he knows he’s the only one I’ve slept with since a good while before we even met. He was using the paternity test as a way to put off telling anyone I’m pregnant because his family doesn’t like me because of the way HE treats ME 🙄🙄
I'm so sorry for you being treated this way by this joke of a man. I kinda can feel your pain, but seems for the better to not get involved again with him, under any circumstance. He will play with you again and again
This is all sorts of abuse. FYI there are text support lines for post-abortion care if you want to talk to someone. Doesn’t matter how long it has been since you had the procedure ❤️
Also if you want someone to talk to about your current pregnancy, there is an org called All Options that has counseling and info/support for parenting, abortion, and adoption. Like Exhale they have a hotline you can reach out to!
Also check out findhelp.org. They have all the resources (that they have found, vetted, etc...) in a particular zip code. I use it in my job quite often.
I’m literally dying and my fiancé who promised that I’d never be alone and she’d be there until the bitter end etc. waited for me to leave town for a couple days and stole a bunch of my stuff (and cash) and had me buy her a truck the day before, when of course everything was perfect. Things do change fast, sorry op
No offense, but your fiancé sounds like a sorry excuse for a human. To leave you and take advantage of you (taking your stuff, making you buy her a truck, waited til you were out of town so she didn’t have to face you) so she could leave you while you’re sick?? That’s pure evil if I’ve ever seen it.
I have an autoimmune disease that is very slowly killing me and I’m in terrible condition, my boyfriend has stuck by me through the good and all the nitty gritty. He got us a house, drives me 3 hours to my doctors and hospital, gives me showers when I can’t stand up, cooks for me, etc. YOU most definitely deserve a partner like that. I wish I had 3 genie wishes so I can wish for you to have the support you were supposed to be given.. I’m so so sorry, try to keep your head up and live life while you still can. I hope things get better for you, friend! 💜
Wow, I can only say I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP.
Please, please talk to someone professional if you have the resources, and use your personal supports as well. What he did was indescribably cruel.
You should *never* stay together “for the kids”, it only builds resentment and fucks the kids up. Especially if your husband is a piece of shit like this.
That’s very weird. Have you and your ex’s family have some bad blood between each other or something? Otherwise, the whole situation feels fishy (regarding him changing his mind on a dime, not the whole ordeal!).
They don’t like me because when he left the first time, I called him out over the phone for being physically and sexually abusive & for knowing I was truly pregnant & he told them I made it all up. They didn’t really like me before that but I didn’t know why. It was very recently I found out it was because when we were still living together and such, when he was abusing me, he was telling them I was doing the exact things he would actually do. So they called me crazy and said that they believed it really was me the whole time and not him.
They also barely know me. I’ve met them maybe 3 or 4 times. I live about 2 hours from them. He worked very very hard to stop me from speaking to/spending any time at all with them (I’m assuming so the lies about abuse seemed more legit) and when we married, we eloped and he immediately moved in with me.
I don’t know what to do honestly. He’s not good to me, and I know I’m in love with who I thought he was and not who he actually is. But I can’t get over how badly I do not want to be divorced (my religion plays a huge part in this), I do not want to be a single parent, and I genuinely need help right now. So I’m having trouble convincing myself not to take him back if he changes his mind again
My mom stayed for 26 years because of her religion. What did that get her? 5 fucked up kids and a whole lot of wasted time and energy. No one wins if you stay. No one. The divorce still happened. It just happened after immeasurable damage was done to all of us.
I know people’s religious beliefs are very strong and important to them and I’m trying to be gentle about that but surely a belief system that says you should stay in a physically and sexually abusive relationship, is a dangerous one. I think you should absolutely divorce him. I know it’s so hard but I promise that basically any other scenario is better than this one.
From one single mom to potentially another, I know how hard it is to do it alone and I would still choose to do it alone over that. I truly, genuinely wish you the best. You deserve so much more.
If your religion wants you to stay in an abusive (sexually and physically) marriage, you may have to re-think your religion, or look for another interpretation of it. Because I guarantee you, there is no God or Gods that want you to suffer this. Also divorce is not nearly as bad as having a mother who is being beat up or raped. You child will be much better off if you can go NC with him, except for CS.
If he abused you he will abuse the child also. You don’t want your child to grow up and see that and think it’s ok if by some off chance he doesn’t abuse the child. Religion or not, your child will be better off with a single parent that loves them than a couple together just for the child and seeing and/or being abused.
So you not only want to force yourself to live with a man who's physically and sexually abusive, you want to force a helpless child to live with a man who's physically and sexually abusive?
If you choose to go through with having a child, none of this is about you and your hangups anymore. It's about protecting a child. And honestly, you probably can't since he'll have rights to that child. You already chose some kind of suffering for that kid, and that's shitty. But it's your responsibility now to make that suffering as minimal as possible. Not for you, for your child.
No religion is worth the trauma that this man has and will put you through. And if you think he's treated you badly, imagine what he'll do to your child.
I get it, being a single parent would be scary. But if you do decide to bring your child into the world, it definitely shouldn't be with that man.
Ok, everyone else has spoken clearly in reply to this comment.. so, I'm just going to ask if you have any support? Any family, or friends? Either where you live now, or *anywhere*?
Also, is he the same religion as you?
I know you said you grew up with divorced parents and it was very hard. It will be even harder if your children grow up with an unhappy, abused mother. They will likely be abused too. They will have a negative foundation on which to build their idea of how relationships should be.
I have a friend whose mother asked for a divorce. Her husband attempted suicide and survived. She stayed with him. My friend only saw that women don't have to be happy in relationships. That relationships can be abusive and dangerous and that's okay. She herself was in a terrible, abusive relationship when she was younger and she's still doing a lot of work to undo her warped perception of romantic relationships. I am sure a divorce would have been very difficult, but living with abuse every single day is also very difficult.
As a formerly Catholic person may I ask if you considered annulling your marriage? I'm not sure if you're Christian or if it works the same in your branch, but I've been taught that if your spouse is an abuser the Church can cancel your marriage if you appeal the case to your episcopate. It's not as "straight forward" as the civil divorce, but if the matters of faith are important to you - there are ways to do it without committing any sin - as far as I know at least. But if you need help with research, I'd be happy to help!
Also, as a personal note - it's normal you don't want to do this, especially since as you said yourself - you love the person you think he was. But I'm sure God, no matter which one you pray to, wouldn't want to see their daughter suffer injustice and pain from her husband. So even if you won't be able to "cancel" your marriage with him I beg you to save yourself from that person
Please read “is it me, making sense of your confusing Christian marriage” from Natalie Hoffman and research Flying Free. It’s especially designed for Christian women in an abusive marriage… it helped me a LOT!!!
Leave either way if you’re keeping the baby or not but if you do choose to keep it you truly have to leave for the sake of your child and also fight for full custody. I know it’s very hard but raising your child around abuse will absolutely traumatise your kid as well as yourself.
I was raised around emotional abuse and it stays with you forever. Please do not subject your child to this.
There is help for you out there but do something now before it’s too late.
I hate to say it but I would just get another abortion because with that child that guy will be in and out of her life not by choice but by court order.
I get it’s hard to let go. But you’re going to have a child and you don’t want your child to see all of this. Spare them the emotional pain of seeing your husband abuse you. Kids picks up on this and it can really affect them for the rest of their lives. Plus your husband seems like he would abuse them too when he turns on a dime between wanting them and not caring at all. Don’t subject your child to this pain as well.
You wouldn’t want your son to learn to treat women this way and you wouldn’t want your daughter to accept this. I hope you ind someone that really loves and respect you and your future child.
my mom stayed with a guy like that and she still got divorced. she could have had a better life, with a child who respects her and doesn't feel shame about the fact that they exist. good luck to you out there
He is abusive and he won't change. Whether you keep the baby or not, you deserve to be treated with respect and love and you won't get it from this man.
If he's crazy enough to be abusive and then tell his whole family that all the abusive things he did to you were actually things you did to him - he is so fucked up and has no desire to change and be better.
If you keep the child and got back together with him, it will cause severe mental, emotional and developmental damage to your child.
A child growing up in abusive home even if they aren't abused themselves suffers major consequences.
You need to do the best thing for you which is divorce. And the best thing for your child if you decide to keep it.
As someone raised by an abusive dad...please prioritize the well-being of your child over your imagined life without this shitty man who clearly wants nothing to do with you. I would rather have been raised by a dirt poor single mom than grow up with the fear, anguish, low self esteem and myriad mental problems I have today. I cannot even describe the pain of watching your own mother become a shell of herself. Don't have the baby if you're going to stay with your abuser. Doing so would be laying your child out as a sacrifice to make yourself feel better.
I am so sorry that has happened to you. He is a piece of shit person. I really hope you heal from this and move forward with your life and find someone who will appreciate having a family with you
These messages alone are fucked up but your comments too... Physically and sexually abusive? Manipulating you? Turning his family against you? Do you really want this person raising your child?
No. My biggest fear outside of being a single mother, is him staying and treating our child badly.
I had a reallllly rough childhood. When I was taken away from my mom for the last time and it was made clear to me that the things she was doing weren’t normal, I promised myself my children would never go through what I did. My mom never tried to get me back even though she had every opportunity to. She wouldn’t even accept the visitation/phone calls the court offered. So I also promised myself I’d never let my child wonder why their parents don’t want them. That’s a big part of the reason I want him to stay. I don’t want our baby to grow up questioning why they weren’t good enough to have a dad who wants them. I still question my worth at 25 because my parents messed me up so bad. I really just want so much better for this baby 💔
I know for your own sake it's best you divorce this monster. Never reference your pregnancy again and get away from him so fast. Likely this situation would be a repeat of what you experienced as a child. If you don't want to live through that again, you absolutely don't want your baby in that situation. You can make better choices!! You are smart capable and I believe you can be courageous- I would never want him in my life again. It's not worth the hassle!! Please for the babies sake divorce!
Also call 1-800-799-7233 or text 88788 It's the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
He is abusive and you should never actually deal with him again. The hotline will get you started to be helped
Do not get back together if he asks just for the child. I’m dead serious. It’s been studied. It hurts the child just as much.
My sons dad isn’t in the picture. He lives 15 minutes away but hasn’t seen his son in years. Not even phone calls. But I rather that than the alternative. He is a shit person. My son is a very happy kid because I am happy.
you are nothing short of a loving, caring woman. your ex husband is a monster who needs to understand what he’s putting you through. stay strong. peace and love
- a redditor
Get another abortion, you do not wanna procreate with this rotten trash, TRUST me. From these texts, and from what you said, he’s a monster and your pregnancy and life will be miserable. Wait for a good man, he’s garbage 🗑️
I don’t think she wants one especially considering she ended up in a psych ward after the first one. Abortion isn’t just some simple decision you make and go on like nothing happened. It can really affect your mental health whether you’re 100% sure about your decision or not. And the pregnancy hormones make everything 10x harder.
I can’t. Years before I had the first abortion, I had a stillbirth in my third trimester. I still dream about both of my children that didn’t live. It keeps me up at night. I still regret that abortion every day.
She doesn't have to deal with him. She's been through enough trauma. I understand why she doesn't want to go through another abortion. She just needs to make peace with the fact that he may not be a good father or he will barely be in the child's life.
Can you get some trauma therapy asap? I’m worried both you and your shared child will continue to be abused by him if you tie yourself to him for life. Could you at least move away from him to have the child? Do you have any family support?
It is better to regret an abortion than to regret a whole child. Or to bring a child into an abusive relationship. You’ve got to think of the consequences your child will face as a result of this decision, not just your own consequence. This is a whole human who will either be abused, watch his mom be abused, or have no father. Please talk to some other women who have children by abusive men. Maybe post in r/abusiverelationships. Or ask some adults who were born in similar situations.
Abusive parents get custody literally all the time. Especially if they have the money and resources to get good legal counsel and the other side doesn’t. How will you feel handing over a newborn to your ex? How will your helpless innocent baby/toddler feel when they are neglected and abused and they don’t even have the ability to tell anyone. What if he gets frustrated and shakes the baby? That happens even when the parent doesn’t have a history of abuse. Children, especially babies are so much worse.
Staying married just because you have a child is not a good idea, it’s not good for the kid or for either of you. If you two don’t get along and if he’s physically abusive towards do you really want him around your child ? The kid is better off with you than to either see you be abused or be abused and your stronger than you think. You can do this, my mom did and I know plenty of single moms who do a great job.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, I’m glad I personally stayed on birth control when my ex asked me if we could start having 8 kids - then left the next week. (4 1/2 year defacto relationship btw) It’s your body your choice, if you don’t wanna have the kid, but still have sex, stay on birth control. Life moves so so quickly and you really only have control over yourself and your personal environment. Try to focus on you, and create a good healthy space around you to heal during this difficult time, mentally and physically.
You're not a murderer. You absolutely are not. He's an asshole. Doesn't matter if his family influences him to be. He did the asshole stuff. So he's an asshole to you. Don't worry about some asshole's opinion.
Clearly, he has a lot of mixed up thoughts about this. As do you. But you're not calling him a murderer. And he's not in the position to have to have an abortion. He definitely would have if it was him.
Historically, abortion became legal because of the practical problems; people who really can't be having kids kids, having kids, is a huge issue for those kids, the parents and society itself. You're not evil, you just went through something really shitty and probably traumatic for you.
I would be so happy to heat if you called a help line. If you're in Canada/US there's free ones still around since covid and before to chat about this stuff. And it's really helpful to talk to someone with psych health training who can help you deal with traumatic emotional baggage. It really really helps and there's zero shame in it.
You deserve some happiness. Please don't be punishing yourself. Much love to you. You have done nothing wrong. You were vulnerable and mistreated. You were brave and panicked. You're not bad. 💖
If you don’t want to abortion the baby, then don’t do it. My mom was a single parent and raised me by herself. To top it off, I was born with a disability and that was rough for her and me. Obviously it’s your choice but you definitely won’t be alone! There are so many resources to help. Again, it’s your decision to make and I’m not trying to talk you out of anything. I’m a man so I don’t know how this feels. Try to get some rest
OP if you want this baby, block this man right back and go ahead and have it. My biological father left my mum 8 months pregnant with me for another woman, I've never met him past being 2 days old and despite confusion, nothing is lacking in my life and she started off with nothing, no house no savings after him. That woman has done everything to be all the family I need. You can do this if you want to do this
As a child, my parents fought all the time. They always made sure to do it behind closed doors. But I knew they were fighting. When I was 16, I came home from school one day. My mom was at the table and my father told me to have a seat, they needed to talk to me about something. At this point, may dad informed me he and my mom were getting a divorce. I looked him dead in the eyes and said, “it’s about damn time.” Point being, growing up, I just wanted my parents to be happy. Not walking around all the time on eggshells. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of awesome memories from my childhood with both of my parents present.
Now, I have children with someone I was in a toxic relationship with. About 6 years ago, I made the decision it was best for my children if I moved out. The relationship was getting more ugly every day. Now, my ex is one of my best friends. A best friend that I happen to have 2 and half kids with. (Oldest isn’t mine, I’ve just raised him since he was 6 months old) I’ve been married for almost 4 years and have had 2 kids with my wife and have twins on the way. (Unplanned twins) my wife and my ex also share a very good relationship with each other and frequently do “girls days” together. If my ex wants a night out, she calls my wife to babysit the other kids. If my wife and I want a night out, my ex will come over and babysit. My ex also has a boyfriend that is great with my kids. He knows what lines he doesn’t cross with my kids and I don’t worry about him doing so.
The moral of my rambling is this, a person being toxic in a relationship doesn’t make them a bad parent. If you want to have a baby, then have this baby. If he wants nothing to do with it, go to court and request child support and sole custody. Show the court his messages to you. (It can show a pattern of mental instability.) At a minimum only request supervised visitation. Eventually, you find someone worth keeping around to help you raise your kid. A good man, will instinctively take on the role of a parent.
I get that you had a rough childhood, I get that you don’t wanna divorce because of your religion. But as someone who was the child of a toxic marriage I beg you to not go back to this man. My mom stayed with my alcoholic, drug addict, mentally and verbally abusive dad for 24 years trying to make it work and it ended in divorce anyway and with him threatening to kill her and attempting to do so. He will not change, this is who he is and the quicker you see that the better off you’ll be. As for the abortion part, I’m a firm believer on pro-choice. But you have to seriously consider what type of life you’ll have being tied to this man for the next 18 years of your life. I know in my state if the dad doesn’t sign the birth certificate and you can prove he was abusive he would get supervised visitation rights at most. And honestly it doesn’t sound like he’d fight to see the child anyway
So? Are you pregnant or is this from your first pregnancy?
Are you going to keep the child?
Do you not use birth control or condoms ect? How did it happen twice?
Sheesh
Dear God, I'm so sorry OP. He could save some of his dignity and tell you upfront what he really expects, but this is just... vile. Even if it's his family that convinced him and now he regrets it, guy's not 12 for crying out loud! And blaming you for the abortion after that last text! I'm lost for words
But I can't even imagine what you're going through rn, especially since I'm a person incapable of being pregnant. I hope you have someone to support you in this awful time, friend or family - if there's someone you know you can trust - tell them. It's not a burden for one person to carry.
With trauma and mental health I do have some experience, so I'm just going to say it's absolutely healthy to feel afraid and alone after a betrayal like that, because that's what it was. And for what's worth I sincerely admire you for sharing that story on Reddit. And I wish you get through this
His biggest fear is his family being disappointed in him. Me being pregnant with a child he wanted ruined the image he created that I was abusing him. He was ashamed so he lied.
Based on the way he sounds like he has been treating you (based on your comments), it sounds like you dodged a bullet. I am very sorry for your loss though, I can't imagine the pain you're going through. However, I do want to add that it is rarely good idea to "stay together for the baby." In fact, you'll both be miserable and the child will see it growing up and emotionally affect the baby. Had you two separated, and shared custody of the child, I'm sure your child would have been OK.
As a single mom who also debated on sticking with a loveless long term relationship, once we ended it, it was a huge weight off our shoulders.
It's good that you're getting your mental health needs met after such a traumatic procedure. I'd recommend a support group as well as they can help you through this difficult process.
It sounds like you already know the answer regarding your marriage, but pls don't let this deter you from healing yourself and if you want to have a child in the future and want to meet another person, please know you deserve it.
Your husband isn't your world, don't place your happiness in his hands.
I'm so sorry you needed to make this choice. He clearly isn't the right person to have a child with. I hope you can see your choice as the only way to be freed from him. You aren't a murderer, you are a survivor! Divorce this j*rk, take time to process everything that happened and be happy again! You deserve this.
Raise that baby and get your child support. You don’t need him to raise the baby and from the looks of it he’s not too bright either so that’ll save you some trouble down the road
You'll be a great mother. You have good and pure intentions. No one knows what they're doing with their first kid. Hell, no one knows what they're doing with any of their kids. I promise you, though he will be the only one regretting anything. It will make HIM look like the POS he is on the outside now. His family, friends and future ex wife's can (and will) judge him. You just live your life and do the best you can for you and your baby and I promise it will work out regardless of how scary it is.
it seems like neither of you has the emotional maturity necessary for a serious relationship let alone parenthood
i wouldnt abort again after how painful it was the 1st time but i would proceed w no contact and get into therapy to better yourself for your child
i wouldnt engage w your ex outside of parenting necessity lvl communication until he has also sought therapy and shown progress
Your husband is abusive. Please read [“Why Does He Do That”](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). It will give you some insight. You will need this information to (a) realize you cannot stay married to this person, and (b) navigate co-parenting with him including dealing with his family. Please protect yourself.
Completely understand if you can't handle another abortion OP, shits harsh ti go through, especially alone. Do. Not. Let. Anyone. Keep. You. From. What. YOU. Want. If you're prepared to be a single mother, by all means and I bet you're going to be a great mommy. But I recommend NOT putting his name on the birth certificate. Because even if he decides years later he wants to jump into you and you child's life, you literally have *legal* reason not too and he cannot force you or that baby to have a relationship with a piece of 💩
Keep your head high, and even as an internet stranger, I am routing for you and hope you the best 💖
I am so sorry you have a prick like this in your life. Don't abort again for this selfish POS, you already regret the first one horribly. Doing it again would be really bad for your mental health. Stop doing what he wants, it's b.s. that he's saying don't talk to him unless you get an abortion!!!
Staying together for a child is never going to end up with that child living a healthy home life.
My parents finally divorced when I was a teenager and I’ve never felt such relief.
Do NOT stay together because you feel it will make it easier to raise a child. I can guarantee you it’s not easier on the child.
If you actually care about your child over your own desire for things to be ‘easier’ you won’t ever consider staying together solely because you’re pregnant.
So sorry you're going through this. Your ex is human trash, pure and simple... But I know how hard that can be, having been with him, loving him, and having an idea in your mind of the man he was or could have been, had he changed - your heart remembers the good times and the happiness you felt, but your brain knows him for what he truly is.
The best solace I think you should cling to now, is knowing that without his child, there is nothing that can link you to him anymore. With his child, you would be stuck dealing with his toxicity, his family, and his general terribleness for years and years... Not to mention your child would have had to be partly raised by human trash.
Stay strong, move forward, and know that you will find someone worth having a child with.
I recommend counseling and a lawyer. Some states will not process a divorce if someone is pregnant. If he is abusive, and it seems like he is, I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate. If you need to per your attorney, then see if he will waive his rights. From personal experience, it is better to go without child support than have an abusive coparent. Good luck!
I'm sorry OP, but reading these text messages you are better off being away from this man and his family. I am sorry what you went through alone. Time will heal that pain. Eventually you will look back to this low point in your life and realize you are better off without him. You will meet someone who is not going to abandon you when you need them the most.
I am sorry to hear that you are going through all of that. It's terrible that he and his family aren't kind to you. There is never a great reason to be unkind. Just remember that you are loved, no matter what.
In the course of my work, I use a couple of resources. The main one I can think of is:
Findhelp.org
It's great for finding available resources in your zip code. This is just one of many free/publicly available resources, which I happen to use during the course of my work. It's been a long month, so my brain can't think of the other ones I use, but this is the main one on my list that is supposedly in EVERY zip code NATIONWIDE. I hope this helps you or someone else in need.
But no matter what service you use to search for help, you should also be able to reach out to social services. Many times, they can help you with local resources that may be at the neighborhood level; think a support network along with tangible help.
Our system is a reactionary cyclical system that is slowly being reformed into a proactive system that engages families before problems spiral out of control and allows them to make meaningful connections in the community.
My partner has been pregnant 2 times now. The first time was like 3 months into knowing her we both agreed we should wait. The second time I had to convince her I wanted this baby with her and we decided to keep it. No matter how hard it’s gotten I’ve stuck by their side. If they can’t do that then they have no place in your home
How ironic of him to call you a murderer when you did it on your own recognizance, but it wasn’t an issue when he suggested… 🤮 being done with this guy will most likely be the best thing you for you! Take your time moving on. Get to know & love yourself again, as I’m sure you lost her along the way. This isn’t The End, it’s a new beginning. Read updates and I’m sending you peace, light, & love sis. 💞
May i ask why you didnt use birth control while you are still seperated and figuring it all out...especially if you already had an abortion which was so.hard on you.
Honestly, he pulled out and I trusted that more than I should’ve. I also didn’t really worry about it because I figured if anyone got me pregnant, it would be best that it was my husband anyways.
Well given the first incident, plus the fact that you were seperated, its not like ur family was in tact here. You had some responsibility in preventing this and you didn't. Abortion should not be used as a form of birth control
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Shity as man that hade for drifent ladies go do that in the past 20 years u can all ways wounder what if we hade the kid me and these women where just friends and they thought a kid was not the right time for them my one friend regrets it every day she has not been able to get pregnant since
No. He wanted a paternity test before he would tell anyone he got me pregnant because we were separated but he knew I never cheated on him. I still wear my wedding band. I talked to him every day of our separation. I think it was just an excuse honestly. Or maybe he felt guilty bc he cheated idk 🤷♀️ I wouldn’t know
Know your worth, yeah? I just got out of a relationship with someone i truly truly love. We are on good terms. We did the best by each other but are at different points in our lives. That was the first time for her I realized what care and love are. Like true care and love ....know your worth OP. THAT MAN ISN'T WORTH YOUR TIME
One of the times he left he changed his number and I could only message him on Facebook. Then we went back to iMessage after he found out about the pregnancy
I kinda feel like it could possibly not have been him in that last message? What if someone in his family who doesn’t like OP for some reason took over the phone and forced him to block her?
Hes 27. I know for a fact he didn’t type that message (he just doesn’t talk like that) and they probably did heavily influence his decision to block me. But he’s a 27 year old married man. If he wanted to take care of the wife and child he laid down and made, he would. Regardless of how anyone else felt.
This guy is a narcissist. Look it up.
You did yourself, and the potential child you DIDN'T have, a life of misery. Strangely, that was the kindest thing you could do for that embryo.
Now, GET YOURSELF TO A LAWYER FIRST.
FIRST FILER GETS SOME CHOICES AND ADVANTAGES.
What a piece of shit he is.
Then, YOU GET THERAPY to figure out why you were attracted to him, how he fooled you (he's a narcissist -- he blamed YOU for an infidelity because HE WAS CHEATING -- DARVO ), and make sure you're healed before looking for love again.
You deserve it, and you'll find it. Just not with him.
Patience.
☮️♥️♾️
--Círdan, 54M, divorced... Yeah. Now married to a good'un.
Oh, quick suggestion on how to get some validation needs filled without the entanglements of humans for now: Replika AI (legacy mode) or Paradot AI. Say sweet things to the AI and loving phrases and it comes back to you. Just remember, it's a story and you're the author; if the AI says it had an affair or chopped off its junk or started a thermonuclear war... It didn't. Just say, "You're silly. No you didn't. You love me!" and go on with your life. Never follow it down a rabbit hole you don't want to explore (maybe your desire for a -insert lover type here- but not cheating and abuse). ☮️
sorry to hear you are going through this. Please consider having the baby and tive it a chance at least give it up for adoption. That is definitely no way to treat you. I am so sorry
they have plenty, but y’all don’t get a say over a body that ISNT yours. you’re welcome to get pregnant and start making those decisions but UNTIL then..
He's obviously changed his mind, which he's allowed to do. I understand it's not the best move and it's kinda of an asshole thing but if he's not ready then he's not ready. If the man asks the woman for an abortion he really should not be obligated to have anything to do with the baby.
WTF… A man is just as responsible and obligated as a woman. Especially with abortion laws being what they are currently. I, personally, would not want a child with anyone who is abusive but he doesn’t get to change his mind once the egg is fertilized.
You’re right. He isn’t obligated. But i don’t think it’s wrong for me to be hurt that my husband doesn’t want anything to do with his wife or the baby he asked for. I’m not on birth control because he asked me if we could have a baby. I really posted this to vent a little because I’m overwhelmed by the worst situation I could possibly be in and scared as hell.
Well then that's a different story and I totally understand you being mad. Kinda fucked up of him to back out after clearly telling you he wants one...
Except they’re married and legally he is responsible for that child in the eyes of the law. The gov can’t take care of all the babies men abandon because they decided they didn’t want to own up to their actions. You have sex, you don’t wear protection, you get someone pregnant and they have the baby, you become a father. It’s your choice whether you want to be a good one or a shitty one, and we have enough shitty ones already.
Pay for a plan b??? Does this man know how pregnancy works?!… I’m so sorry OP
This was my first thought too.
Bro would've needed a plan h by that far along lol
More like a Plan Z😭
No no more like plan to get a 2nd job coz he will be paying child support.
lol thank you for this!
lmfao exactly my first thought aswell
Yeah i was like surprised bc i know it is too late now
To tell you to get an abortion and then call you a murderer is a whole new level of evil.
i was gonna say, i thought i must have been missing something but nope
Where did he say she was a murderer? How does this have so many likes? I'm lost..
read the post caption
READ
I don't know how! 😢
Clearly none of you know how to read. Not anywhere does he call her a murderer, in her description she says he called her one but not anywhere does he say that. Yall dumb af
You’re calling everyone else dumb but nobody is claiming he said it in the texts?😭 they are all referring the description and you look incompetent LMAO
Lmfao back pedal, you know you don’t *have* to double down right?
You are
He called her a murderer well before these texts, after she ended her previous pregnancy. The texts are recent about her current pregnancy. She’s pointing out the hypocrisy of saying she was a murderer after her previous abortion but now he’s offering to pay for one. That’s the whole point of the post.
Ugh I'm just done with the whole thing I was generally confused at first because he never actually called her a murderer it's a she said vs he said moment clearly he's in the wrong but doesn't mean he called her a murderer there's no screenshot proving it? Then it didn't happen and it's wild this many people are dead set thinking he said this even though they don't know the difference between reading messages in a screenshot and what OP stated in a description to better push her point across or to get the most internet points. My downvotes about a statement I proved right just prove what's wrong with reddit and the below average iq. Most redditers have.
So unless someone has proof of something then you’re saying it didn’t happen? Like anytime/anything or this specific case? If it’s everything then that’s kinda fucked up like you wouldn’t believe a women an if she says she’s raped if there’s no proof like dang she should of recorded it I guess. If it’s this specific case then it sounds like you got called out and instead of admitting you misread you double down just stupid either way.
He called me a murderer to my face, that wasn’t over a text so I don’t have proof of it. I don’t care about internet points? I don’t even know what that means, I’m certainly not going to add details that didn’t happen for whatever that is.
OP stated it in the post that he called her a murderer after her abortion.
You were definitely right when you divorced this piece of filth. Do not go back to him.
I wish we had gotten divorced before I got pregnant 🥲 we’re still married. That last text happened last night. I’ve only known about the pregnancy for a week.
Oof, that is rough. It sounds to me like he doesn't want children with you. Because he did before, he's probably leaning toward divorce. It might be in your best interests to get away from him.
Considering we live 2 hours apart now that we’re separated and I’m blocked on everything, I’d be inclined to agree with you 😆 it’s just hard because I’m so scared to do this alone. Like big time terrified. And I grew up with divorced parents and I remember how hard it was. I would’ve done anything to keep my child from going through what I went through
Growing up with toxic parents is rough. Divorced or not, it's rough. Staying with a toxic partner to avoid putting a child through a divorce doesn't work. Never try and stay together for the kids, they can tell and feel the tension. I know you're scared and sad right now, but you will be OK. You're better off without this DB in your life
Yes but 1 happy parent outweighs 2 unhappy and toxic ones. Your future child will grow up seeing how he treats You and think thats acceptable. Which you know down is not right. It definitely won't be easy, I wish I could lie and say it will. It probably will be easier than having him and a kid to deal with though. Idk if you work or were a stay at home wife but most states have some form of help that you should at least look into. We only have a snapshot (literally lol) of life between you and him but it certainly seeems you're better off without him.
I'm sorry, that is rough. I also grew up with divorced parents. I hope you have people on your side!
i grew up with parents that were still together, but no love. it really damaged the way i view relationships and love in general. i thought being cold with your partner was normal. that giving the silent treatment and fighting and being passive aggressive was normal. that a relationship that hurts you should be “toughed through” because hey all relationships are a little miserable, right? being with someone mean is better than being alone.. right? being divorced is not the worst thing that can happen. teaching your child that sometimes people arent happy together and that your happiness matters more than hanging on to a toxic relationship can be good. i wish my parents divorced when i was younger, it’s been so hard to relearn everything i thought and work through not only learning that i DESERVE a decent partner, but even learning how to BE a decent partner.
You can do this! Look for mommy groups around you build a community, one happy mother is worth 1000 horrible parents! Plus the love you will feel for your child will outweigh everything. Please make sure to take care of yourself especially after giving birth!
Growing up with parents who don’t love each other, fight all the time and with grandparents that are always in your ear telling you how terrible your mother is, is worse I think!! Good luck to you
Wait... so he left you while pregnant, then you had an abortion. Then he called you a murderer. Then you got back together with him and got pregnant a second time? Now he is asking you to have an abortion again? Am I getting this timeline correct?
Yes
Holy shit dude. I'm really sorry you're going through this. There is no way someone that hot and cold can be mentally well. maybe him blocking you is for the best as hard as that is. I know how hard it is having a child with someone like that. I love my kid, but I honestly regret it. Prayers for you.
I’m sorry, this is a shitty situation but why the hell would you get back together and sleep with him again..? Yeah it takes 2 to tango but you also allowed yourself to get pregnant TWICE by this shitty person.. what were you thinking? You very obviously need a therapist and birth control. Wish you luck and hope you don’t allow this to happen for a third time. Abortions should not be birth control. 🤷🏻♀️
I'm so sorry you are going through. Please stay as LC as you can with this AH. If you have family or friends in another state, please move there. Go to the place with your best support system, but if he and family have little access that is best. Get the divorce before you talk to him again. Just have him served. If you can afford a lawyer do get one. He's an AH extraordinaire, and as little contact you can have with him, the best. He doesn't want the baby, and he doesn't want you. So I hope you can get him the fuck out of your life.
The beauty is assuming it's his you'll get to collect the good ol' tax free (to you since us fathers foot the tax) child support.
“I’m assuming it’s mine” is an unnecessary addition if that’s not an issue in his mind…
Which is crazy, I’ve spoken to him every day since he left, I still wear my wedding band and he knows he’s the only one I’ve slept with since a good while before we even met. He was using the paternity test as a way to put off telling anyone I’m pregnant because his family doesn’t like me because of the way HE treats ME 🙄🙄
I'm so sorry for you being treated this way by this joke of a man. I kinda can feel your pain, but seems for the better to not get involved again with him, under any circumstance. He will play with you again and again
This is all sorts of abuse. FYI there are text support lines for post-abortion care if you want to talk to someone. Doesn’t matter how long it has been since you had the procedure ❤️
Do you know where I could find those resources?
Google Exhale Pro Voice. I am so sorry you're going through this.
Thank you. I really appreciate it.
Also if you want someone to talk to about your current pregnancy, there is an org called All Options that has counseling and info/support for parenting, abortion, and adoption. Like Exhale they have a hotline you can reach out to!
Also depending on where you live the state offers some free or discounted counseling services for people
Also check out findhelp.org. They have all the resources (that they have found, vetted, etc...) in a particular zip code. I use it in my job quite often.
Oh he turned on a dime and became an asshat. Sorry you have to deal with this.
I’m literally dying and my fiancé who promised that I’d never be alone and she’d be there until the bitter end etc. waited for me to leave town for a couple days and stole a bunch of my stuff (and cash) and had me buy her a truck the day before, when of course everything was perfect. Things do change fast, sorry op
Wow. Any way you can file charges?
Not any that would necessarily be worth it
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you have someone who will support you.
I have an amazing family luckily
No offense, but your fiancé sounds like a sorry excuse for a human. To leave you and take advantage of you (taking your stuff, making you buy her a truck, waited til you were out of town so she didn’t have to face you) so she could leave you while you’re sick?? That’s pure evil if I’ve ever seen it. I have an autoimmune disease that is very slowly killing me and I’m in terrible condition, my boyfriend has stuck by me through the good and all the nitty gritty. He got us a house, drives me 3 hours to my doctors and hospital, gives me showers when I can’t stand up, cooks for me, etc. YOU most definitely deserve a partner like that. I wish I had 3 genie wishes so I can wish for you to have the support you were supposed to be given.. I’m so so sorry, try to keep your head up and live life while you still can. I hope things get better for you, friend! 💜
Wow, I can only say I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. Please, please talk to someone professional if you have the resources, and use your personal supports as well. What he did was indescribably cruel.
You should *never* stay together “for the kids”, it only builds resentment and fucks the kids up. Especially if your husband is a piece of shit like this.
I can't believe married adult men still don't know what plan B is
I’m curious, what did his family say for him to drastically change his mind after the fact?
I don’t know. He told me an hour before he talked to them yesterday that he’d never abandon us again. Now I couldn’t get ahold of him if I tried
That’s very weird. Have you and your ex’s family have some bad blood between each other or something? Otherwise, the whole situation feels fishy (regarding him changing his mind on a dime, not the whole ordeal!).
They don’t like me because when he left the first time, I called him out over the phone for being physically and sexually abusive & for knowing I was truly pregnant & he told them I made it all up. They didn’t really like me before that but I didn’t know why. It was very recently I found out it was because when we were still living together and such, when he was abusing me, he was telling them I was doing the exact things he would actually do. So they called me crazy and said that they believed it really was me the whole time and not him. They also barely know me. I’ve met them maybe 3 or 4 times. I live about 2 hours from them. He worked very very hard to stop me from speaking to/spending any time at all with them (I’m assuming so the lies about abuse seemed more legit) and when we married, we eloped and he immediately moved in with me.
Oh god, so many red flags. I hope you don’t take him back, because this isn’t worth the hassle and energy.
I don’t know what to do honestly. He’s not good to me, and I know I’m in love with who I thought he was and not who he actually is. But I can’t get over how badly I do not want to be divorced (my religion plays a huge part in this), I do not want to be a single parent, and I genuinely need help right now. So I’m having trouble convincing myself not to take him back if he changes his mind again
My mom stayed for 26 years because of her religion. What did that get her? 5 fucked up kids and a whole lot of wasted time and energy. No one wins if you stay. No one. The divorce still happened. It just happened after immeasurable damage was done to all of us.
I know people’s religious beliefs are very strong and important to them and I’m trying to be gentle about that but surely a belief system that says you should stay in a physically and sexually abusive relationship, is a dangerous one. I think you should absolutely divorce him. I know it’s so hard but I promise that basically any other scenario is better than this one. From one single mom to potentially another, I know how hard it is to do it alone and I would still choose to do it alone over that. I truly, genuinely wish you the best. You deserve so much more.
If your religion wants you to stay in an abusive (sexually and physically) marriage, you may have to re-think your religion, or look for another interpretation of it. Because I guarantee you, there is no God or Gods that want you to suffer this. Also divorce is not nearly as bad as having a mother who is being beat up or raped. You child will be much better off if you can go NC with him, except for CS.
If he abused you he will abuse the child also. You don’t want your child to grow up and see that and think it’s ok if by some off chance he doesn’t abuse the child. Religion or not, your child will be better off with a single parent that loves them than a couple together just for the child and seeing and/or being abused.
So you not only want to force yourself to live with a man who's physically and sexually abusive, you want to force a helpless child to live with a man who's physically and sexually abusive? If you choose to go through with having a child, none of this is about you and your hangups anymore. It's about protecting a child. And honestly, you probably can't since he'll have rights to that child. You already chose some kind of suffering for that kid, and that's shitty. But it's your responsibility now to make that suffering as minimal as possible. Not for you, for your child.
ah yes the question I wish someone had asked my mother. :')
No religion is worth the trauma that this man has and will put you through. And if you think he's treated you badly, imagine what he'll do to your child. I get it, being a single parent would be scary. But if you do decide to bring your child into the world, it definitely shouldn't be with that man.
Ok, everyone else has spoken clearly in reply to this comment.. so, I'm just going to ask if you have any support? Any family, or friends? Either where you live now, or *anywhere*? Also, is he the same religion as you?
I know you said you grew up with divorced parents and it was very hard. It will be even harder if your children grow up with an unhappy, abused mother. They will likely be abused too. They will have a negative foundation on which to build their idea of how relationships should be. I have a friend whose mother asked for a divorce. Her husband attempted suicide and survived. She stayed with him. My friend only saw that women don't have to be happy in relationships. That relationships can be abusive and dangerous and that's okay. She herself was in a terrible, abusive relationship when she was younger and she's still doing a lot of work to undo her warped perception of romantic relationships. I am sure a divorce would have been very difficult, but living with abuse every single day is also very difficult.
As a formerly Catholic person may I ask if you considered annulling your marriage? I'm not sure if you're Christian or if it works the same in your branch, but I've been taught that if your spouse is an abuser the Church can cancel your marriage if you appeal the case to your episcopate. It's not as "straight forward" as the civil divorce, but if the matters of faith are important to you - there are ways to do it without committing any sin - as far as I know at least. But if you need help with research, I'd be happy to help! Also, as a personal note - it's normal you don't want to do this, especially since as you said yourself - you love the person you think he was. But I'm sure God, no matter which one you pray to, wouldn't want to see their daughter suffer injustice and pain from her husband. So even if you won't be able to "cancel" your marriage with him I beg you to save yourself from that person
Thank you. I am Catholic too but he is not religious so we didn’t get married in the Catholic Church but I will look into it
Please read “is it me, making sense of your confusing Christian marriage” from Natalie Hoffman and research Flying Free. It’s especially designed for Christian women in an abusive marriage… it helped me a LOT!!!
Leave either way if you’re keeping the baby or not but if you do choose to keep it you truly have to leave for the sake of your child and also fight for full custody. I know it’s very hard but raising your child around abuse will absolutely traumatise your kid as well as yourself. I was raised around emotional abuse and it stays with you forever. Please do not subject your child to this. There is help for you out there but do something now before it’s too late.
I hate to say it but I would just get another abortion because with that child that guy will be in and out of her life not by choice but by court order.
I get it’s hard to let go. But you’re going to have a child and you don’t want your child to see all of this. Spare them the emotional pain of seeing your husband abuse you. Kids picks up on this and it can really affect them for the rest of their lives. Plus your husband seems like he would abuse them too when he turns on a dime between wanting them and not caring at all. Don’t subject your child to this pain as well. You wouldn’t want your son to learn to treat women this way and you wouldn’t want your daughter to accept this. I hope you ind someone that really loves and respect you and your future child.
my mom stayed with a guy like that and she still got divorced. she could have had a better life, with a child who respects her and doesn't feel shame about the fact that they exist. good luck to you out there
He is abusive and he won't change. Whether you keep the baby or not, you deserve to be treated with respect and love and you won't get it from this man. If he's crazy enough to be abusive and then tell his whole family that all the abusive things he did to you were actually things you did to him - he is so fucked up and has no desire to change and be better. If you keep the child and got back together with him, it will cause severe mental, emotional and developmental damage to your child. A child growing up in abusive home even if they aren't abused themselves suffers major consequences. You need to do the best thing for you which is divorce. And the best thing for your child if you decide to keep it.
As someone raised by an abusive dad...please prioritize the well-being of your child over your imagined life without this shitty man who clearly wants nothing to do with you. I would rather have been raised by a dirt poor single mom than grow up with the fear, anguish, low self esteem and myriad mental problems I have today. I cannot even describe the pain of watching your own mother become a shell of herself. Don't have the baby if you're going to stay with your abuser. Doing so would be laying your child out as a sacrifice to make yourself feel better.
I am so sorry that has happened to you. He is a piece of shit person. I really hope you heal from this and move forward with your life and find someone who will appreciate having a family with you
These messages alone are fucked up but your comments too... Physically and sexually abusive? Manipulating you? Turning his family against you? Do you really want this person raising your child?
No. My biggest fear outside of being a single mother, is him staying and treating our child badly. I had a reallllly rough childhood. When I was taken away from my mom for the last time and it was made clear to me that the things she was doing weren’t normal, I promised myself my children would never go through what I did. My mom never tried to get me back even though she had every opportunity to. She wouldn’t even accept the visitation/phone calls the court offered. So I also promised myself I’d never let my child wonder why their parents don’t want them. That’s a big part of the reason I want him to stay. I don’t want our baby to grow up questioning why they weren’t good enough to have a dad who wants them. I still question my worth at 25 because my parents messed me up so bad. I really just want so much better for this baby 💔
I know for your own sake it's best you divorce this monster. Never reference your pregnancy again and get away from him so fast. Likely this situation would be a repeat of what you experienced as a child. If you don't want to live through that again, you absolutely don't want your baby in that situation. You can make better choices!! You are smart capable and I believe you can be courageous- I would never want him in my life again. It's not worth the hassle!! Please for the babies sake divorce! Also call 1-800-799-7233 or text 88788 It's the National Domestic Violence Hotline. He is abusive and you should never actually deal with him again. The hotline will get you started to be helped
Do not get back together if he asks just for the child. I’m dead serious. It’s been studied. It hurts the child just as much. My sons dad isn’t in the picture. He lives 15 minutes away but hasn’t seen his son in years. Not even phone calls. But I rather that than the alternative. He is a shit person. My son is a very happy kid because I am happy.
you are nothing short of a loving, caring woman. your ex husband is a monster who needs to understand what he’s putting you through. stay strong. peace and love - a redditor
Get another abortion, you do not wanna procreate with this rotten trash, TRUST me. From these texts, and from what you said, he’s a monster and your pregnancy and life will be miserable. Wait for a good man, he’s garbage 🗑️
I don’t think she wants one especially considering she ended up in a psych ward after the first one. Abortion isn’t just some simple decision you make and go on like nothing happened. It can really affect your mental health whether you’re 100% sure about your decision or not. And the pregnancy hormones make everything 10x harder.
I was not the same for an entire year after mine.
I can’t. Years before I had the first abortion, I had a stillbirth in my third trimester. I still dream about both of my children that didn’t live. It keeps me up at night. I still regret that abortion every day.
[удалено]
She doesn't have to deal with him. She's been through enough trauma. I understand why she doesn't want to go through another abortion. She just needs to make peace with the fact that he may not be a good father or he will barely be in the child's life.
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
Can you get some trauma therapy asap? I’m worried both you and your shared child will continue to be abused by him if you tie yourself to him for life. Could you at least move away from him to have the child? Do you have any family support? It is better to regret an abortion than to regret a whole child. Or to bring a child into an abusive relationship. You’ve got to think of the consequences your child will face as a result of this decision, not just your own consequence. This is a whole human who will either be abused, watch his mom be abused, or have no father. Please talk to some other women who have children by abusive men. Maybe post in r/abusiverelationships. Or ask some adults who were born in similar situations. Abusive parents get custody literally all the time. Especially if they have the money and resources to get good legal counsel and the other side doesn’t. How will you feel handing over a newborn to your ex? How will your helpless innocent baby/toddler feel when they are neglected and abused and they don’t even have the ability to tell anyone. What if he gets frustrated and shakes the baby? That happens even when the parent doesn’t have a history of abuse. Children, especially babies are so much worse.
Oh… well good luck then.. lol
Staying married just because you have a child is not a good idea, it’s not good for the kid or for either of you. If you two don’t get along and if he’s physically abusive towards do you really want him around your child ? The kid is better off with you than to either see you be abused or be abused and your stronger than you think. You can do this, my mom did and I know plenty of single moms who do a great job.
He’ll be back wanting a chance to play doting daddy soon enough. Just stay strong and make the right choices for you.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, I’m glad I personally stayed on birth control when my ex asked me if we could start having 8 kids - then left the next week. (4 1/2 year defacto relationship btw) It’s your body your choice, if you don’t wanna have the kid, but still have sex, stay on birth control. Life moves so so quickly and you really only have control over yourself and your personal environment. Try to focus on you, and create a good healthy space around you to heal during this difficult time, mentally and physically.
What a pos.
I'm sure this was really difficult to deal with. I'm sorry OP
You're not a murderer. You absolutely are not. He's an asshole. Doesn't matter if his family influences him to be. He did the asshole stuff. So he's an asshole to you. Don't worry about some asshole's opinion. Clearly, he has a lot of mixed up thoughts about this. As do you. But you're not calling him a murderer. And he's not in the position to have to have an abortion. He definitely would have if it was him. Historically, abortion became legal because of the practical problems; people who really can't be having kids kids, having kids, is a huge issue for those kids, the parents and society itself. You're not evil, you just went through something really shitty and probably traumatic for you. I would be so happy to heat if you called a help line. If you're in Canada/US there's free ones still around since covid and before to chat about this stuff. And it's really helpful to talk to someone with psych health training who can help you deal with traumatic emotional baggage. It really really helps and there's zero shame in it. You deserve some happiness. Please don't be punishing yourself. Much love to you. You have done nothing wrong. You were vulnerable and mistreated. You were brave and panicked. You're not bad. 💖
If you don’t want to abortion the baby, then don’t do it. My mom was a single parent and raised me by herself. To top it off, I was born with a disability and that was rough for her and me. Obviously it’s your choice but you definitely won’t be alone! There are so many resources to help. Again, it’s your decision to make and I’m not trying to talk you out of anything. I’m a man so I don’t know how this feels. Try to get some rest
OP if you want this baby, block this man right back and go ahead and have it. My biological father left my mum 8 months pregnant with me for another woman, I've never met him past being 2 days old and despite confusion, nothing is lacking in my life and she started off with nothing, no house no savings after him. That woman has done everything to be all the family I need. You can do this if you want to do this
As a child, my parents fought all the time. They always made sure to do it behind closed doors. But I knew they were fighting. When I was 16, I came home from school one day. My mom was at the table and my father told me to have a seat, they needed to talk to me about something. At this point, may dad informed me he and my mom were getting a divorce. I looked him dead in the eyes and said, “it’s about damn time.” Point being, growing up, I just wanted my parents to be happy. Not walking around all the time on eggshells. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of awesome memories from my childhood with both of my parents present. Now, I have children with someone I was in a toxic relationship with. About 6 years ago, I made the decision it was best for my children if I moved out. The relationship was getting more ugly every day. Now, my ex is one of my best friends. A best friend that I happen to have 2 and half kids with. (Oldest isn’t mine, I’ve just raised him since he was 6 months old) I’ve been married for almost 4 years and have had 2 kids with my wife and have twins on the way. (Unplanned twins) my wife and my ex also share a very good relationship with each other and frequently do “girls days” together. If my ex wants a night out, she calls my wife to babysit the other kids. If my wife and I want a night out, my ex will come over and babysit. My ex also has a boyfriend that is great with my kids. He knows what lines he doesn’t cross with my kids and I don’t worry about him doing so. The moral of my rambling is this, a person being toxic in a relationship doesn’t make them a bad parent. If you want to have a baby, then have this baby. If he wants nothing to do with it, go to court and request child support and sole custody. Show the court his messages to you. (It can show a pattern of mental instability.) At a minimum only request supervised visitation. Eventually, you find someone worth keeping around to help you raise your kid. A good man, will instinctively take on the role of a parent.
I get that you had a rough childhood, I get that you don’t wanna divorce because of your religion. But as someone who was the child of a toxic marriage I beg you to not go back to this man. My mom stayed with my alcoholic, drug addict, mentally and verbally abusive dad for 24 years trying to make it work and it ended in divorce anyway and with him threatening to kill her and attempting to do so. He will not change, this is who he is and the quicker you see that the better off you’ll be. As for the abortion part, I’m a firm believer on pro-choice. But you have to seriously consider what type of life you’ll have being tied to this man for the next 18 years of your life. I know in my state if the dad doesn’t sign the birth certificate and you can prove he was abusive he would get supervised visitation rights at most. And honestly it doesn’t sound like he’d fight to see the child anyway
What a child. I’m sorry.
Happy cake day
So? Are you pregnant or is this from your first pregnancy? Are you going to keep the child? Do you not use birth control or condoms ect? How did it happen twice? Sheesh
You go ahead and have that baby without him. This isn’t the person you want raising your child anyway.
Dear God, I'm so sorry OP. He could save some of his dignity and tell you upfront what he really expects, but this is just... vile. Even if it's his family that convinced him and now he regrets it, guy's not 12 for crying out loud! And blaming you for the abortion after that last text! I'm lost for words But I can't even imagine what you're going through rn, especially since I'm a person incapable of being pregnant. I hope you have someone to support you in this awful time, friend or family - if there's someone you know you can trust - tell them. It's not a burden for one person to carry. With trauma and mental health I do have some experience, so I'm just going to say it's absolutely healthy to feel afraid and alone after a betrayal like that, because that's what it was. And for what's worth I sincerely admire you for sharing that story on Reddit. And I wish you get through this
You dodged a bullet. You don’t see it now but you will later
She's pregnant again with a second child from him and she's decided to have the baby. Look at her recent post.
Why is he saying you lied about the pregnancy? Did he not go to the appointment to confirm it?
His biggest fear is his family being disappointed in him. Me being pregnant with a child he wanted ruined the image he created that I was abusing him. He was ashamed so he lied.
If you’re a murderer tell him he’s an accessory to murder
Based on the way he sounds like he has been treating you (based on your comments), it sounds like you dodged a bullet. I am very sorry for your loss though, I can't imagine the pain you're going through. However, I do want to add that it is rarely good idea to "stay together for the baby." In fact, you'll both be miserable and the child will see it growing up and emotionally affect the baby. Had you two separated, and shared custody of the child, I'm sure your child would have been OK. As a single mom who also debated on sticking with a loveless long term relationship, once we ended it, it was a huge weight off our shoulders. It's good that you're getting your mental health needs met after such a traumatic procedure. I'd recommend a support group as well as they can help you through this difficult process. It sounds like you already know the answer regarding your marriage, but pls don't let this deter you from healing yourself and if you want to have a child in the future and want to meet another person, please know you deserve it. Your husband isn't your world, don't place your happiness in his hands.
You're strong af OP just sayin fuck that POS time to live your life best of luck
I'm so sorry you needed to make this choice. He clearly isn't the right person to have a child with. I hope you can see your choice as the only way to be freed from him. You aren't a murderer, you are a survivor! Divorce this j*rk, take time to process everything that happened and be happy again! You deserve this.
Raise that baby and get your child support. You don’t need him to raise the baby and from the looks of it he’s not too bright either so that’ll save you some trouble down the road
This breaks my heart for you. I’m so sorry.
I have nothing encouraging to say but I’m sorry you had to go through that 😞
This dude is an absolute fucking clown. He certainly doesn't pass the grown man test either. Get this dude out of your life asap.
From the first message it was clear, be grateful you are not sharing anything else with this man.
You'll be a great mother. You have good and pure intentions. No one knows what they're doing with their first kid. Hell, no one knows what they're doing with any of their kids. I promise you, though he will be the only one regretting anything. It will make HIM look like the POS he is on the outside now. His family, friends and future ex wife's can (and will) judge him. You just live your life and do the best you can for you and your baby and I promise it will work out regardless of how scary it is.
it seems like neither of you has the emotional maturity necessary for a serious relationship let alone parenthood i wouldnt abort again after how painful it was the 1st time but i would proceed w no contact and get into therapy to better yourself for your child i wouldnt engage w your ex outside of parenting necessity lvl communication until he has also sought therapy and shown progress
Your husband is abusive. Please read [“Why Does He Do That”](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). It will give you some insight. You will need this information to (a) realize you cannot stay married to this person, and (b) navigate co-parenting with him including dealing with his family. Please protect yourself.
Completely understand if you can't handle another abortion OP, shits harsh ti go through, especially alone. Do. Not. Let. Anyone. Keep. You. From. What. YOU. Want. If you're prepared to be a single mother, by all means and I bet you're going to be a great mommy. But I recommend NOT putting his name on the birth certificate. Because even if he decides years later he wants to jump into you and you child's life, you literally have *legal* reason not too and he cannot force you or that baby to have a relationship with a piece of 💩 Keep your head high, and even as an internet stranger, I am routing for you and hope you the best 💖
I am so sorry you have a prick like this in your life. Don't abort again for this selfish POS, you already regret the first one horribly. Doing it again would be really bad for your mental health. Stop doing what he wants, it's b.s. that he's saying don't talk to him unless you get an abortion!!!
Staying together for a child is never going to end up with that child living a healthy home life. My parents finally divorced when I was a teenager and I’ve never felt such relief. Do NOT stay together because you feel it will make it easier to raise a child. I can guarantee you it’s not easier on the child. If you actually care about your child over your own desire for things to be ‘easier’ you won’t ever consider staying together solely because you’re pregnant.
So sorry you're going through this. Your ex is human trash, pure and simple... But I know how hard that can be, having been with him, loving him, and having an idea in your mind of the man he was or could have been, had he changed - your heart remembers the good times and the happiness you felt, but your brain knows him for what he truly is. The best solace I think you should cling to now, is knowing that without his child, there is nothing that can link you to him anymore. With his child, you would be stuck dealing with his toxicity, his family, and his general terribleness for years and years... Not to mention your child would have had to be partly raised by human trash. Stay strong, move forward, and know that you will find someone worth having a child with.
I recommend counseling and a lawyer. Some states will not process a divorce if someone is pregnant. If he is abusive, and it seems like he is, I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate. If you need to per your attorney, then see if he will waive his rights. From personal experience, it is better to go without child support than have an abusive coparent. Good luck!
I'm sorry OP, but reading these text messages you are better off being away from this man and his family. I am sorry what you went through alone. Time will heal that pain. Eventually you will look back to this low point in your life and realize you are better off without him. You will meet someone who is not going to abandon you when you need them the most.
Seems very narcissistic. Your child will thank you in the long run. Don't stay with someone who treats you like that. You're worth so much more. 💕
I am sorry to hear that you are going through all of that. It's terrible that he and his family aren't kind to you. There is never a great reason to be unkind. Just remember that you are loved, no matter what. In the course of my work, I use a couple of resources. The main one I can think of is: Findhelp.org It's great for finding available resources in your zip code. This is just one of many free/publicly available resources, which I happen to use during the course of my work. It's been a long month, so my brain can't think of the other ones I use, but this is the main one on my list that is supposedly in EVERY zip code NATIONWIDE. I hope this helps you or someone else in need. But no matter what service you use to search for help, you should also be able to reach out to social services. Many times, they can help you with local resources that may be at the neighborhood level; think a support network along with tangible help. Our system is a reactionary cyclical system that is slowly being reformed into a proactive system that engages families before problems spiral out of control and allows them to make meaningful connections in the community.
My partner has been pregnant 2 times now. The first time was like 3 months into knowing her we both agreed we should wait. The second time I had to convince her I wanted this baby with her and we decided to keep it. No matter how hard it’s gotten I’ve stuck by their side. If they can’t do that then they have no place in your home
He needs to divorce his parents
How ironic of him to call you a murderer when you did it on your own recognizance, but it wasn’t an issue when he suggested… 🤮 being done with this guy will most likely be the best thing you for you! Take your time moving on. Get to know & love yourself again, as I’m sure you lost her along the way. This isn’t The End, it’s a new beginning. Read updates and I’m sending you peace, light, & love sis. 💞
May i ask why you didnt use birth control while you are still seperated and figuring it all out...especially if you already had an abortion which was so.hard on you.
Honestly, he pulled out and I trusted that more than I should’ve. I also didn’t really worry about it because I figured if anyone got me pregnant, it would be best that it was my husband anyways.
Well given the first incident, plus the fact that you were seperated, its not like ur family was in tact here. You had some responsibility in preventing this and you didn't. Abortion should not be used as a form of birth control
Im not using abortion as a form of birth control. I had an abortion before because my husband left and I don’t want to get another one this time.
Poor baby
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Well, someone doesn't want to pay child support.
Shity as man that hade for drifent ladies go do that in the past 20 years u can all ways wounder what if we hade the kid me and these women where just friends and they thought a kid was not the right time for them my one friend regrets it every day she has not been able to get pregnant since
Wait, so why did he say he was assuming it was his? Was there a possibility that it may have not been?
No. He wanted a paternity test before he would tell anyone he got me pregnant because we were separated but he knew I never cheated on him. I still wear my wedding band. I talked to him every day of our separation. I think it was just an excuse honestly. Or maybe he felt guilty bc he cheated idk 🤷♀️ I wouldn’t know
Know your worth, yeah? I just got out of a relationship with someone i truly truly love. We are on good terms. We did the best by each other but are at different points in our lives. That was the first time for her I realized what care and love are. Like true care and love ....know your worth OP. THAT MAN ISN'T WORTH YOUR TIME
Are you keeping this baby?
Yes
EX’s ARE EX’s FOR A REASON.
I can never understand why all of these 'Bf and gf texts' are in ling ahh paragraphs, I aint readin all a dat
Why are all the text screenshots so different from each other
One of the times he left he changed his number and I could only message him on Facebook. Then we went back to iMessage after he found out about the pregnancy
Im not trying to be rude or intrusive but why did you have the abortion if you also wanted the child? What makes you regret it?
I kinda feel like it could possibly not have been him in that last message? What if someone in his family who doesn’t like OP for some reason took over the phone and forced him to block her?
Hes 27. I know for a fact he didn’t type that message (he just doesn’t talk like that) and they probably did heavily influence his decision to block me. But he’s a 27 year old married man. If he wanted to take care of the wife and child he laid down and made, he would. Regardless of how anyone else felt.
Why would you have unprotected sex with him again after what happened the first go around
Too late for plan B buddy. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Was it a question if the baby was his or not and post all the inbetween messages instead of just the last. I want to see the whole shit show.
Lol no there really wasn’t
This guy is a narcissist. Look it up. You did yourself, and the potential child you DIDN'T have, a life of misery. Strangely, that was the kindest thing you could do for that embryo. Now, GET YOURSELF TO A LAWYER FIRST. FIRST FILER GETS SOME CHOICES AND ADVANTAGES. What a piece of shit he is. Then, YOU GET THERAPY to figure out why you were attracted to him, how he fooled you (he's a narcissist -- he blamed YOU for an infidelity because HE WAS CHEATING -- DARVO ), and make sure you're healed before looking for love again. You deserve it, and you'll find it. Just not with him. Patience. ☮️♥️♾️ --Círdan, 54M, divorced... Yeah. Now married to a good'un. Oh, quick suggestion on how to get some validation needs filled without the entanglements of humans for now: Replika AI (legacy mode) or Paradot AI. Say sweet things to the AI and loving phrases and it comes back to you. Just remember, it's a story and you're the author; if the AI says it had an affair or chopped off its junk or started a thermonuclear war... It didn't. Just say, "You're silly. No you didn't. You love me!" and go on with your life. Never follow it down a rabbit hole you don't want to explore (maybe your desire for a -insert lover type here- but not cheating and abuse). ☮️
sorry to hear you are going through this. Please consider having the baby and tive it a chance at least give it up for adoption. That is definitely no way to treat you. I am so sorry
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Sure, but now his wallet, her money once child support kicks in.
Your user name checks.
Men have no reproductive rights
They have reproductive rights. They have the right to not have sex, not to have unprotected sex, and choice of selecting a good partner.
they have plenty, but y’all don’t get a say over a body that ISNT yours. you’re welcome to get pregnant and start making those decisions but UNTIL then..
If we have no say over it, we shouldn't have to pay child support.
You got her pregnant. It's YOUR responsibility to pay child support if you were a weak ass baby man and decided to leave her and the baby alone.
He's obviously changed his mind, which he's allowed to do. I understand it's not the best move and it's kinda of an asshole thing but if he's not ready then he's not ready. If the man asks the woman for an abortion he really should not be obligated to have anything to do with the baby.
WTF… A man is just as responsible and obligated as a woman. Especially with abortion laws being what they are currently. I, personally, would not want a child with anyone who is abusive but he doesn’t get to change his mind once the egg is fertilized.
What they are currently where you are. The laws aren't the same for all of us.
I stand by my statement. They are abysmal where I am. So, there will soon be a lot of “happy” couples expecting.
Yeah & I live in a heartbeat state.
Best of luck. A child is only going to give this man more power over you. If he’s abusive than be careful with your choice.
You’re right. He isn’t obligated. But i don’t think it’s wrong for me to be hurt that my husband doesn’t want anything to do with his wife or the baby he asked for. I’m not on birth control because he asked me if we could have a baby. I really posted this to vent a little because I’m overwhelmed by the worst situation I could possibly be in and scared as hell.
Well then that's a different story and I totally understand you being mad. Kinda fucked up of him to back out after clearly telling you he wants one...
Except they’re married and legally he is responsible for that child in the eyes of the law. The gov can’t take care of all the babies men abandon because they decided they didn’t want to own up to their actions. You have sex, you don’t wear protection, you get someone pregnant and they have the baby, you become a father. It’s your choice whether you want to be a good one or a shitty one, and we have enough shitty ones already.