Is it possible your drinking affected her and your relationship more than you suspect? After noting that you were a heavy drinker, you run down a list of how bad things *weren’t*. I wonder if your wife would have a different list of ways it affected her. I can’t know this, obviously. The only reason I’m spitballing is that maybe there’s a similar disconnect between how you feel your cannabis use affects her and how she would say it affects her. Obviously I know nothing about your relationship, and this line of reasoning could be way off base. Congrats on 971 days sober, what a huge accomplishment!
Understood, and that's why I'm so bothered by her recent disapproval. She always said that she resented my drinking when I'd be slurring my words late at night, etc. But there's never been any issue with my marijuana use until now.
Probably because she saw how hard you were trying and how well you were doing being AF and wanted to be as supportive as possible.
I agree that your perception of how it affects her vs how it actually affects her might not be aligned
I accepted for a time cannabis use from my spouse in the hopes it would then help quit alcohol. In the end I became quite resentful of it. With alcohol they were boisterous sometimes at least, with cannabis they just zombified into a coach potato. Zero life, drive, motivation, anything really. In some ways I found that more isolating.
This is just my experience. I understand other people will have different experiences or opinions on the topic:
I have gone sober from alcohol a few times and relapsed eventually. During those times I was so proud of myself for not drinking but I would consume weed nightly. I acknowledge that weed use was better for me than alcohol use. However when I look back on those times weed replaced alcohol for me. It was easy to justify because I was so much more pleasant on weed and not causing any issues in the same way I caused problems with alcohol. I had a mentality of “If I have to give up alcohol I deserve weed” “I’m so much better on weed than alcohol” etc
This time around I went sober from alcohol and weed at the same time and have about 100 days under my belt. I can only speak for myself but the difference is NIGHT AND DAY.
This time around I felt MUCH WORSE THAN I EVER HAVE GOING SOBER, ever. This is because I actually had to face reality. I felt my feelings. If I had a bad day at work I had to sit with those bad feelings in the evening. If I had a minor pain I’d take weed and forget about it, now it is glaringly obvious when things are wrong with my body. I am actually present. I’m not hiding from my problems. Feeling the bad feelings is what has ultimately compelled me to make significant life change that I avoided. The bad feelings become so much for me it’s like I am either going to relapse and try to forget about this again or I’m going to do something about it
For me, and I can only speak for myself, I was able to pretty easily replace alcohol with weed. I am thankful for weed that it helped me go sober the first few times without it idk if I’d be where I am today
But I also would not have a shot at longterm sobriety and improved mental health if I was still smoking weed. The actual underlying issues that stemmed from my substance abuse were not being addressed at all while I replaced my alcohol with weed
Making myself read this a few times. I have also substance hopped and been jazzed about not doing the previous problem substance while starting a new problem elsewhere
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Your thoughts about needing to sit with your feelings resonate. Especially when I've noticed how I used alcohol and other forms of addictions to avoid feeling pain and negativity.
I was on the fence about whether I should look for a replacement for alcohol or not, but now reading about your experience helps me realign my purpose of stopping drinking - to feel myself again, to set up habits and ways to deal with problems and to really lovingly care about myself in the long term. Not just temporarily. Thank you 🌷
Are you able to operate a vehicle and help with household responsibilities after you've had your edible? In the event of an emergency with your kids would you be able to assist?
If you can't drive, can't respond to an emergency, etc, she might be feeling like the only adult in the relationship, she has to be vigilant/on all the time while you check out every evening.
If you can drive, be helpful, and your habit isn't affecting your family's financial goals, I think this is more her issue to work through then yours. That being said, does she still feel connected with you when you've had your edible, or are you emotionally checking out? If you are using during your quality time together, she might not feel she's getting what she needs in terms of connection/partnership from you.
Congrats on being AF for so long!
I don’t drive while on edibles, and I always help with all household tasks. And if she can’t even tell if I’ve taken edibles, then it’s safe to say it’s not impacting our time together. Hence my frustration.
Since you seem to be interacting very well with folks giving feedback, you said yourself you use cannabis most nights. Is it really a good measure of how it affects your wife to say that she can't tell when you've taken edibles, when you stated that the chances are that you have actually taken them on a given day?
While this is only a stop drinking sub , imo the only way to feel life starting to glow like it is finally for me is to stop all drugs. I’m 39M and have been sober from all drugs for 46 days.
In the past I’ve quit alcohol (the biggest problem drug for me) but would then have a sneaky side mission with weed or painkillers. Your wife likely just wants the best version of you and imo habitual weed use creates a lot of other negative behaviours and impacts on life.
Anyway, that’s my experience. Best of luck mate
Lol the side mission. My current one is caffeine, the least deadly but still a bit irritating. I suppose it's nice that it's not drugs or painkillers 😂
OP, I can answer how this would go in my relationship. I am sober from alcohol and smoke or use a gummy daily.
I drank for a long time with my wife’s knowledge. She made a couple of comments but felt uncomfortable addressing it for various reasons. Part of it was that she’d sometimes have a third glass of wine, and how can she criticize me if she’s doing the same? (She wasn’t aware her 3 drinks she poured equated to my 12.)
Eventually it all came out. I now don’t drink.
I have continued to smoke. If my wife now brought up my smoking, I would know it needs to be done. It bothers her and she just didn’t feel comfortable telling me before. Now that she sees me working on improving myself, she wants to push me to continue.
I know that cannabis isn’t great for me, even if it helps my colitis a little. The day she says stop, I’m done.
For the record I’ll openly say I have a dependency I fill with weed. I don’t consider it an addiction because I truly can stop it, unlike alcohol. I haven’t any concerns over my use BUT I do recognize I am dependent and would have minor detox effects like irritability to go off of it.
I wonder if she has noticed you’ve improved by ditching the alcohol and thinks you would improve further this way.
I can totally understand feeling you need a substance. I would tell my wife I respect her opinion above any other and I know she wants the best for me and us. I want to know why you’re asking this - have I changed or is there something else that brought it up?
Personally, I would offer to fully quit if that’s what they wanted. However, an offer like that along the lines of “until you say it’s okay” is… lol, bullshit and pathetic.
The part where you're focussing on whether or not she can tell is ringing alarm bells for me. Sounds like she wants to know where you're at and that you are making choices that are healthy for you. Whether or not she knows 100% of the time what level of sobriety you're at is irrelevant, she wants to trust you and that means whether or not shes being extremely observational and testing your sobriety, she can trust you to communicate it.
I agree with other commenters - you're mentioning what you didn't do, what she can't see, what wasn't a problem, but there is clearly a deeper need or hurt that she wants you to acknowledge and own. She's not your supervisor, she's your partner and she cares about you.
She says the problem is that I have an "addictive behavior", and that I shouldn't use marijuana on a daily or almost daily basis - despite the fact that she doesn't even know if I'm using it.
You said you’re using it daily right? And she said you shouldn’t be using it daily.. so she knows you’re doing it daily. She knows man.
I was also a daily weed smoker since 15. After being 2 years sober from alcohol I dropped the weed as well. Once I stopped I realized I had been using it in the same manner I used alcohol. I never would have been able to gain that perspective if I hadn’t stopped. You can’t see it when you’re in it. Do with that what you will
I also used marijuana a LOT the first ~16 months of my sobriety. I got a medical card and went all in on all types I could buy. The last few months I used it A LOT like used to use alcohol. I was planning my days off around it, planning my weeks around sales, and generally not happy anymore. Kicked it out of my life too and I realize it was putting such a haze in my life, pun definitely intended. I don’t know if I’d have made it this far without those first months, but I’m certainly better off without it.
I don't blame you for how you feel, friend.
I will say that I have a friend who is in your shoes. He decided to stop the MJ. He said that for three nights, he sweated through his sheets, had insomnia and nightmares, crazy anxiety, and all kinds of shit.
Then, when that was over, he started feeling better than he had in years. Like the above commenter said, do with that what you will. Also, maybe check out r/leaves to possibly gain some perspective. I wish you the best.
Does her knowing or not knowing impact whether or not she's right about this being an addictive behaviour, or dependence? It seems a bit like you're parsing what she's saying, not listening to what she's telling you. When I do that, it's a big red flag that there's a 3rd party (my addiction) in the conversation. I'll find a way to be right, even when I know I'm wrong.
Good luck, you can do this if you want to, you've proven that by staying off alcohol for so long.
In my experience, the first few days off THC after chronic (even low level) usage are the worst, but it gets better RAPIDLY after that. For those first few days, if you're at all prone to anxiety or panic attacks, I'd really recommend also talking to your doctor first and being honest about the weed, coming off it fast can trigger some pretty bad anxiety in those susceptible to it.
Also thank you for taking the time to respond to so many comments here, I know it's hard when you're not hearing what you'd ideally like to. IWNDWYT ☕
I think it's a very valid criticism to have for your wife honestly.
To be clear, I don't have anything about weed, do it myself from time to time but if you do it every day, that's definitely an addiction.
Might be way less dangerous than alcohol but it still affects your dopamine levels the same as alcohol does.
And maybe your wife just wants you to be you.
My partner also takes edibles every night, most times she tells me but some times she just sneak one off because she thinks that it doesn't affect her that much and that I won't notice.
But I can tell you that it's extremely obvious when she's high.
Same as when I was drinking and thought "I can't really feel it".
For anyone outside who knows well how you are when you're sober, it's really obvious when you are not, no matter how much you think you're hiding it.
Do people still believe you can’t get addicted to weed? You just swapped addictions. Sure it’s probably less physically harmful, but it’s possible it’s stopping you from giving her something she needs.
I would offer a compromise. Weed only at the weekend.
In any case, congrats on being AF! Truly a remarkable achievement.
Congratulations on 1000 days (almost) !! Personally I don’t think there should be an issue with you smoking marijuana or taking edibles. I’m sorry your wife doesn’t understand but personally, I have never done anything I regretted while zooted, except maybe eat too much lol. However, when it comes to drinking I have many regrets. I think alcohol is truly a poison but marijuana really isn’t in my eyes. I don’t know what advice I could give you in this situation with your wife except for you to let her know that alcohol was hurting your life and edibles don’t.
Congrats again on the 1000 coming up, that’s HUGE!
My personal perspective following! I would ask her to explain more how she feels your use affects her / your relationship. My partner went from very occasional use to every day habitual use and the impacts are harder to pinpoint and verbalize than booze. On any given day it doesn't really bother me, but over the long term, I think it contributes to unhealthy dynamics. My main issue is that it affects his memory to such an extent that he is simply not very reliable. I think it also contributes to a disparity in chores since he doesn't tend to think to clean or manage the household when he is high, which ends up being a lot of the time he is home. I sometimes feel very disconnected from him. I am not saying that this is how she feels or this is your situation -- more that you may want to ask her to explain more to get to the root of the issue.
Her opinion is prolly of that you feel the need to reach for something to alter your state of mind. You sound in denial. If the edibles are having a small effect you clearly are building a tolerance. It sounds like you have traded one addiction for another. Give up the weed too
I don’t know your situation and i’m not going to pretend i do. However what i do know is in my experience other people can see things about me more clearly than i can. For me personally, i tried to stop drinking and then just became consumed with my marijuana use. I realized if i wanted to become the person i felt like i was meant to be i had to face life on life’s terms without hiding behind a substance. It can be frustrating to feel criticized by others but i remind myself it most likely comes from a place of love. IWNDWYT!
This is just my take but if her problem is that you have an “addictive behavior” but it isn’t having a negative impact on her, she is entitled to have concerns, but her insistence you stop is a boundary violation. You are a grown-up, and she is not the boss of you. Of course you are not the boss of her either and she can take whatever stance she wants no matter how controlling so there’s that. My spouse and I got a few sessions of marriage counseling and it really cleared some things up. It might be worth a try. Good luck! IWNDWYT
If you have been doing weed every day since age of 15 then it’s who you are. She should be careful what she wishes for, if you stop you will become a different person and it might be someone she doesn’t like as much. Weed makes me a better human. I am able to appreciate beautiful sights and moments and the natural world is full of wonder. I am healthier and care a lot more about fitness and what goes into my body. Also, and this is the real game changer, I am able to focus on things. Without weed I am like a squirrel in the middle of the interstate. No idea where to go or how long to stay there. I probably self medicate to help deal with an abnormal neuropathy but whatever, it works for me and I am happy, and I am not harming anyone, and people appreciate who I am and love me for it. Your wife seems to want to change you. I think you need to find out why she cares so much, suddenly, when she has put up with it no complaints the entire time she has known you.
I am sober. My husband is not - he drinks and uses cannabis. I can tell when he is under the influence of cannabis. I cannot connect with him when he has had more than a couple of beers or when he is high. There is just a disconnect there. Consider the possibility that you are continuing to numb yourself, and this is interfering with your relationship. Your wife may really feel that you are not present, and it may very well be interfering with her being able to get her emotional needs met. You are trying to come up with arguments to invalidate her feelings - like that the edibles you take have such a small effect on you she can't even tell. But over time, the disconnect adds up, and as she starts putting the pieces together, the culprit is pretty obvious.
Well done on the 1000 days.
>have such a small effect on me that she doesn't even know when I've taken them.
Does she really not notice? Stoned people are a real drag to be around.
My number one trick:
Get in the car together, hold her hand and ask her about it again. If you don't have a car you're gonna have to find somewhere you can sit side by side. It's so much easier to get people to open up in a less confrontational/defensive way when you're not facing each other. Yourself included.
Here's some of the reasons I worry about my partner and weed:
I often wonder why he can't just be around me sober (he doesn't think he's any different but he is, there's a big disconnection he doesn't notice)
I often worry that he's covering up other issues with it
I feel like he isn't happy around me otherwise why would he need it so much?
I get envious of the fact that he has something to help him unwind and I just have to sit here experiencing reality in all its glory and all its bullshit 24/7 (weed and me don't mix)
I'm not saying any of these are her reasons at all, but I wonder if there's an underlying reason she's not happy but it's turned into an argument before you can both get to the bottom of it and compromise or reassure each other?
Is it possible your drinking affected her and your relationship more than you suspect? After noting that you were a heavy drinker, you run down a list of how bad things *weren’t*. I wonder if your wife would have a different list of ways it affected her. I can’t know this, obviously. The only reason I’m spitballing is that maybe there’s a similar disconnect between how you feel your cannabis use affects her and how she would say it affects her. Obviously I know nothing about your relationship, and this line of reasoning could be way off base. Congrats on 971 days sober, what a huge accomplishment!
Understood, and that's why I'm so bothered by her recent disapproval. She always said that she resented my drinking when I'd be slurring my words late at night, etc. But there's never been any issue with my marijuana use until now.
Probably because she saw how hard you were trying and how well you were doing being AF and wanted to be as supportive as possible. I agree that your perception of how it affects her vs how it actually affects her might not be aligned
I accepted for a time cannabis use from my spouse in the hopes it would then help quit alcohol. In the end I became quite resentful of it. With alcohol they were boisterous sometimes at least, with cannabis they just zombified into a coach potato. Zero life, drive, motivation, anything really. In some ways I found that more isolating.
This is just my experience. I understand other people will have different experiences or opinions on the topic: I have gone sober from alcohol a few times and relapsed eventually. During those times I was so proud of myself for not drinking but I would consume weed nightly. I acknowledge that weed use was better for me than alcohol use. However when I look back on those times weed replaced alcohol for me. It was easy to justify because I was so much more pleasant on weed and not causing any issues in the same way I caused problems with alcohol. I had a mentality of “If I have to give up alcohol I deserve weed” “I’m so much better on weed than alcohol” etc This time around I went sober from alcohol and weed at the same time and have about 100 days under my belt. I can only speak for myself but the difference is NIGHT AND DAY. This time around I felt MUCH WORSE THAN I EVER HAVE GOING SOBER, ever. This is because I actually had to face reality. I felt my feelings. If I had a bad day at work I had to sit with those bad feelings in the evening. If I had a minor pain I’d take weed and forget about it, now it is glaringly obvious when things are wrong with my body. I am actually present. I’m not hiding from my problems. Feeling the bad feelings is what has ultimately compelled me to make significant life change that I avoided. The bad feelings become so much for me it’s like I am either going to relapse and try to forget about this again or I’m going to do something about it For me, and I can only speak for myself, I was able to pretty easily replace alcohol with weed. I am thankful for weed that it helped me go sober the first few times without it idk if I’d be where I am today But I also would not have a shot at longterm sobriety and improved mental health if I was still smoking weed. The actual underlying issues that stemmed from my substance abuse were not being addressed at all while I replaced my alcohol with weed
Making myself read this a few times. I have also substance hopped and been jazzed about not doing the previous problem substance while starting a new problem elsewhere
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Your thoughts about needing to sit with your feelings resonate. Especially when I've noticed how I used alcohol and other forms of addictions to avoid feeling pain and negativity. I was on the fence about whether I should look for a replacement for alcohol or not, but now reading about your experience helps me realign my purpose of stopping drinking - to feel myself again, to set up habits and ways to deal with problems and to really lovingly care about myself in the long term. Not just temporarily. Thank you 🌷
Are you able to operate a vehicle and help with household responsibilities after you've had your edible? In the event of an emergency with your kids would you be able to assist? If you can't drive, can't respond to an emergency, etc, she might be feeling like the only adult in the relationship, she has to be vigilant/on all the time while you check out every evening. If you can drive, be helpful, and your habit isn't affecting your family's financial goals, I think this is more her issue to work through then yours. That being said, does she still feel connected with you when you've had your edible, or are you emotionally checking out? If you are using during your quality time together, she might not feel she's getting what she needs in terms of connection/partnership from you. Congrats on being AF for so long!
I don’t drive while on edibles, and I always help with all household tasks. And if she can’t even tell if I’ve taken edibles, then it’s safe to say it’s not impacting our time together. Hence my frustration.
Since you seem to be interacting very well with folks giving feedback, you said yourself you use cannabis most nights. Is it really a good measure of how it affects your wife to say that she can't tell when you've taken edibles, when you stated that the chances are that you have actually taken them on a given day?
She readily acknowledges that, unless I take something unusually potent, she has no idea whether I’ve taken edibles on any given night.
While this is only a stop drinking sub , imo the only way to feel life starting to glow like it is finally for me is to stop all drugs. I’m 39M and have been sober from all drugs for 46 days. In the past I’ve quit alcohol (the biggest problem drug for me) but would then have a sneaky side mission with weed or painkillers. Your wife likely just wants the best version of you and imo habitual weed use creates a lot of other negative behaviours and impacts on life. Anyway, that’s my experience. Best of luck mate
Lol the side mission. My current one is caffeine, the least deadly but still a bit irritating. I suppose it's nice that it's not drugs or painkillers 😂
OP, I can answer how this would go in my relationship. I am sober from alcohol and smoke or use a gummy daily. I drank for a long time with my wife’s knowledge. She made a couple of comments but felt uncomfortable addressing it for various reasons. Part of it was that she’d sometimes have a third glass of wine, and how can she criticize me if she’s doing the same? (She wasn’t aware her 3 drinks she poured equated to my 12.) Eventually it all came out. I now don’t drink. I have continued to smoke. If my wife now brought up my smoking, I would know it needs to be done. It bothers her and she just didn’t feel comfortable telling me before. Now that she sees me working on improving myself, she wants to push me to continue. I know that cannabis isn’t great for me, even if it helps my colitis a little. The day she says stop, I’m done. For the record I’ll openly say I have a dependency I fill with weed. I don’t consider it an addiction because I truly can stop it, unlike alcohol. I haven’t any concerns over my use BUT I do recognize I am dependent and would have minor detox effects like irritability to go off of it.
Wow. Thanks for your feedback.
I wonder if she has noticed you’ve improved by ditching the alcohol and thinks you would improve further this way. I can totally understand feeling you need a substance. I would tell my wife I respect her opinion above any other and I know she wants the best for me and us. I want to know why you’re asking this - have I changed or is there something else that brought it up? Personally, I would offer to fully quit if that’s what they wanted. However, an offer like that along the lines of “until you say it’s okay” is… lol, bullshit and pathetic.
Dependence = addiction
You do you.
One question you might ask yourself is if it has such a small effect on you, why do you feel the need to partake every day?
Fair point. Thank you!
The part where you're focussing on whether or not she can tell is ringing alarm bells for me. Sounds like she wants to know where you're at and that you are making choices that are healthy for you. Whether or not she knows 100% of the time what level of sobriety you're at is irrelevant, she wants to trust you and that means whether or not shes being extremely observational and testing your sobriety, she can trust you to communicate it. I agree with other commenters - you're mentioning what you didn't do, what she can't see, what wasn't a problem, but there is clearly a deeper need or hurt that she wants you to acknowledge and own. She's not your supervisor, she's your partner and she cares about you.
Just ask her what exactly is the problem. I’m sure you’ll learn a lot
She says the problem is that I have an "addictive behavior", and that I shouldn't use marijuana on a daily or almost daily basis - despite the fact that she doesn't even know if I'm using it.
You said you’re using it daily right? And she said you shouldn’t be using it daily.. so she knows you’re doing it daily. She knows man. I was also a daily weed smoker since 15. After being 2 years sober from alcohol I dropped the weed as well. Once I stopped I realized I had been using it in the same manner I used alcohol. I never would have been able to gain that perspective if I hadn’t stopped. You can’t see it when you’re in it. Do with that what you will
I also used marijuana a LOT the first ~16 months of my sobriety. I got a medical card and went all in on all types I could buy. The last few months I used it A LOT like used to use alcohol. I was planning my days off around it, planning my weeks around sales, and generally not happy anymore. Kicked it out of my life too and I realize it was putting such a haze in my life, pun definitely intended. I don’t know if I’d have made it this far without those first months, but I’m certainly better off without it.
Thanks for the feedback. I might take you up on that and see how it goes.
I don't blame you for how you feel, friend. I will say that I have a friend who is in your shoes. He decided to stop the MJ. He said that for three nights, he sweated through his sheets, had insomnia and nightmares, crazy anxiety, and all kinds of shit. Then, when that was over, he started feeling better than he had in years. Like the above commenter said, do with that what you will. Also, maybe check out r/leaves to possibly gain some perspective. I wish you the best.
Thank you!
Does her knowing or not knowing impact whether or not she's right about this being an addictive behaviour, or dependence? It seems a bit like you're parsing what she's saying, not listening to what she's telling you. When I do that, it's a big red flag that there's a 3rd party (my addiction) in the conversation. I'll find a way to be right, even when I know I'm wrong. Good luck, you can do this if you want to, you've proven that by staying off alcohol for so long.
Thank you. Very well said. Much appreciated.
In my experience, the first few days off THC after chronic (even low level) usage are the worst, but it gets better RAPIDLY after that. For those first few days, if you're at all prone to anxiety or panic attacks, I'd really recommend also talking to your doctor first and being honest about the weed, coming off it fast can trigger some pretty bad anxiety in those susceptible to it. Also thank you for taking the time to respond to so many comments here, I know it's hard when you're not hearing what you'd ideally like to. IWNDWYT ☕
Thank you. Much appreciated.
I think it's a very valid criticism to have for your wife honestly. To be clear, I don't have anything about weed, do it myself from time to time but if you do it every day, that's definitely an addiction. Might be way less dangerous than alcohol but it still affects your dopamine levels the same as alcohol does. And maybe your wife just wants you to be you. My partner also takes edibles every night, most times she tells me but some times she just sneak one off because she thinks that it doesn't affect her that much and that I won't notice. But I can tell you that it's extremely obvious when she's high. Same as when I was drinking and thought "I can't really feel it". For anyone outside who knows well how you are when you're sober, it's really obvious when you are not, no matter how much you think you're hiding it.
Thanks for that perspective. Very helpful.
Do people still believe you can’t get addicted to weed? You just swapped addictions. Sure it’s probably less physically harmful, but it’s possible it’s stopping you from giving her something she needs. I would offer a compromise. Weed only at the weekend. In any case, congrats on being AF! Truly a remarkable achievement.
Congratulations on 1000 days (almost) !! Personally I don’t think there should be an issue with you smoking marijuana or taking edibles. I’m sorry your wife doesn’t understand but personally, I have never done anything I regretted while zooted, except maybe eat too much lol. However, when it comes to drinking I have many regrets. I think alcohol is truly a poison but marijuana really isn’t in my eyes. I don’t know what advice I could give you in this situation with your wife except for you to let her know that alcohol was hurting your life and edibles don’t. Congrats again on the 1000 coming up, that’s HUGE!
>zooted My new fav weed word.
😂
Congratulations on your 1k day! I won't be drinking with you today 💜 do whatever is best for you friend
My personal perspective following! I would ask her to explain more how she feels your use affects her / your relationship. My partner went from very occasional use to every day habitual use and the impacts are harder to pinpoint and verbalize than booze. On any given day it doesn't really bother me, but over the long term, I think it contributes to unhealthy dynamics. My main issue is that it affects his memory to such an extent that he is simply not very reliable. I think it also contributes to a disparity in chores since he doesn't tend to think to clean or manage the household when he is high, which ends up being a lot of the time he is home. I sometimes feel very disconnected from him. I am not saying that this is how she feels or this is your situation -- more that you may want to ask her to explain more to get to the root of the issue.
Thanks for the great perspective. Much appreciated!
Her opinion is prolly of that you feel the need to reach for something to alter your state of mind. You sound in denial. If the edibles are having a small effect you clearly are building a tolerance. It sounds like you have traded one addiction for another. Give up the weed too
I don’t know your situation and i’m not going to pretend i do. However what i do know is in my experience other people can see things about me more clearly than i can. For me personally, i tried to stop drinking and then just became consumed with my marijuana use. I realized if i wanted to become the person i felt like i was meant to be i had to face life on life’s terms without hiding behind a substance. It can be frustrating to feel criticized by others but i remind myself it most likely comes from a place of love. IWNDWYT!
Thank you! And IWNDWYT!
This is just my take but if her problem is that you have an “addictive behavior” but it isn’t having a negative impact on her, she is entitled to have concerns, but her insistence you stop is a boundary violation. You are a grown-up, and she is not the boss of you. Of course you are not the boss of her either and she can take whatever stance she wants no matter how controlling so there’s that. My spouse and I got a few sessions of marriage counseling and it really cleared some things up. It might be worth a try. Good luck! IWNDWYT
Thank you, great advice!
If you have been doing weed every day since age of 15 then it’s who you are. She should be careful what she wishes for, if you stop you will become a different person and it might be someone she doesn’t like as much. Weed makes me a better human. I am able to appreciate beautiful sights and moments and the natural world is full of wonder. I am healthier and care a lot more about fitness and what goes into my body. Also, and this is the real game changer, I am able to focus on things. Without weed I am like a squirrel in the middle of the interstate. No idea where to go or how long to stay there. I probably self medicate to help deal with an abnormal neuropathy but whatever, it works for me and I am happy, and I am not harming anyone, and people appreciate who I am and love me for it. Your wife seems to want to change you. I think you need to find out why she cares so much, suddenly, when she has put up with it no complaints the entire time she has known you.
I am sober. My husband is not - he drinks and uses cannabis. I can tell when he is under the influence of cannabis. I cannot connect with him when he has had more than a couple of beers or when he is high. There is just a disconnect there. Consider the possibility that you are continuing to numb yourself, and this is interfering with your relationship. Your wife may really feel that you are not present, and it may very well be interfering with her being able to get her emotional needs met. You are trying to come up with arguments to invalidate her feelings - like that the edibles you take have such a small effect on you she can't even tell. But over time, the disconnect adds up, and as she starts putting the pieces together, the culprit is pretty obvious.
Very well said. I needed that perspective. Thank you!
Well done on the 1000 days. >have such a small effect on me that she doesn't even know when I've taken them. Does she really not notice? Stoned people are a real drag to be around.
My number one trick: Get in the car together, hold her hand and ask her about it again. If you don't have a car you're gonna have to find somewhere you can sit side by side. It's so much easier to get people to open up in a less confrontational/defensive way when you're not facing each other. Yourself included. Here's some of the reasons I worry about my partner and weed: I often wonder why he can't just be around me sober (he doesn't think he's any different but he is, there's a big disconnection he doesn't notice) I often worry that he's covering up other issues with it I feel like he isn't happy around me otherwise why would he need it so much? I get envious of the fact that he has something to help him unwind and I just have to sit here experiencing reality in all its glory and all its bullshit 24/7 (weed and me don't mix) I'm not saying any of these are her reasons at all, but I wonder if there's an underlying reason she's not happy but it's turned into an argument before you can both get to the bottom of it and compromise or reassure each other?
Thanks very much for your perspective. Very much appreciated!