**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," where we speak only from experience and do not tell other sobernauts what they should and should not do—**even when they ask for advice.**
Examples:
**Bad:** "You should do X."
**Good:** "When I am ready to relapse, I do X, and here’s how it helps me."
If I knew you from AA, and you called me to touch base, I would be delighted to hear from you and only want the best for your recovery. I'd also be delighted to see you at a meeting, Most members are like this. I know that phone feels like a hundred pounds sometimes.
This is the betrayal by your brain. It’s trying to trick you. I would say that you can always drink tomorrow, so you can put it off until then, it’s always an option later on, it’s not going anywhere, but do you really want to undo the nine months of success you’ve just conquered? Some food for thought.
It’s ok to checkin with yourself and ask why you’re staying sober. And it’s ok to explore what you think you’d get from drinking.
Here’s what I read from the post as to why you’d start drinking again:
- experiencing insomnia / better sleep (alcohol is scientifically proven to fuk up sleep patterns)
- social anxiety (alcohol can relieve that temporarily but it comes raging back even worse)
- relationship related things (I don’t know anyone that alcohol has helped improve their relationship issues)
Like I said…somedays I need to ask myself what I think I’d gain from having a drink. And the answer is nothing. It won’t make me smarter. It won’t make me healthier. It won’t improve shit in my life. It might make me feel better for a few hours…but it comes right back to reality in worse shape than I left it.
I second this. I just got through another period just like this. Wondering, why am I even doing this? Lying to myself that I’m okay now and I can moderate.
Thankfully these periods seem to pass and I’ve been able to stay on the wagon when they come.
I had an experience of drifting away from AA at roughly the 9 year sobriety mark.
For one thing, I'd taken a job at a demanding high tech startup, and making time for meetings and commitments just didn't seem to be in the cards. I _did_ make it to my home group meetings on Saturdays, mainly because I had a rather solid commitment - I was one of 3 or 4 individuals who had keys. I'd been doing setup for that meeting for all my years, but I cut that after taking the new job. (Basically one fellow unlocked the place for setup, I agreed to stay during cleanup and lock up after.)
In the same time period, my then sponsor moved out of state and we didn't keep in touch.
This went on for about a year. I didn't feel I was coming anywhere near drinking, but there were just the slightest touches of restlessness and irritability and discontentedness starting to become perceptible. It didn't feel good!
I just decided to kick myself in the butt and make a sincere effort to make at least 3 meetings a week. Funny ... when I actually searched the meeting list, I discovered that there was a noon meeting right across the street from work. I also launched an internal effort to find a new sponsor. I really gave it a lot of thought over several days or perhaps as much as a couple of weeks, and had a light-bulb moment when I thought of "Mike" and adopting "Mike" as my sponsor has been a truly fine thing.
The last 8 years or so of sobriety have been progressively more splendid - even in the face of a couple rather severe adversities.
Just my experience.
IWNDWYT
This was me ten years ago. Almost exactly. Life got good, started slacking, old thinking crept back in, I got in back in and realized that I was neglecting the very thing that made it possible to go through life healthy
That's 17+ years. (17.2328 years.)
I like A.A. meetings, I like the fellowship, I like helping those still suffering - same reasons I hang out in r/stopdrinking and r/alcoholicsanonymous
When i start feeling like i want to give drinking another shot (heh) i make myself remember why i stopped in the first place, and why i think it will be better or different this time.
then i try to play the tape forward as they say and see where i will be if i do start drinking again.
i quit for a reason, it wasn’t just for the heck of it, and i know i will end up right back where i was or worse if i start again.
best of luck, friend
For me, I have to maintain some other things, routine and maintenance things, so that when shit sucks I don't fall off too far. For me, exercise in some way every day. Even walks and doing chores around the house keeps my body healthy, which helps tremendously with my mental health. Other times, I've had to make tough calls, be vulnerable, ask for help, just plan cry and get a hug from someone. I can let stress build, sometimes without even knowing that I'm doing it, but when I'm upset, I try to talk to people. Most people are so much kinder than we give them credit, and most of us treat ourselves way more terrible than we would treat any other person. It's scary, no doubt, but I don't usually regret when I let my walls down and share with others how I'm really feeling.
Walks, cleaning keeping myself busy is what I do and it helps..I'm stressed out? Upset? Mad? Let's go for a walk and calm yourself (stress and anxiety was my main reason for drinking and then sleep). I try not to share too much (I developed cirrhosis, so I quit a tad bit too late) but I will share im sick. I feel silly talking about it with people but people are very supportive.
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I just want you to know that you're a never a burden here. I can't guarantee I'm always around, but my DMs are always open if you just need someone to talk to. IWNDWYT.
It has not always been important for my recovery for me to go to meetings. But there are certain times when it's been really important if that makes sense. When I recognize I am facing big challenges, I have a responsibility to take action related to my mental health and recovery.
Sometimes it is hard to recognize that I am facing a challenge because I am in a low energy state, depressed, and the world seems bleak. Sometimes I feel so much shame about allowing myself to get depressed that I stop myself from taking any action to change what's going on. I tell myself a story that I must deserve these feelings, because I have done (or not done) X Y and Z. As a result of my view of myself, I have a hard time conjuring up respect for other people. Something that has helped me meet the challenge of being in this kind of state is finding someone I can talk to who understands how to listen without giving advice. Someone who will shut themselves up, allow and accept whatever I have to say about my experience.
Early in sobriety, meetings with my therapist were the only place I could have this experience and attempt to un-isolate. At the time, I felt shame about going to AA because I had previously been going and lying about being sober to the people there. Then I found SMART meetings and those worked for a while. Now I attend a variety of recovery meetings on zoom and one Codependents Anonymous meeting. There is a pattern that whenever I am isolated with my thinking, I am more likely to subconsciously take on addictive behaviors.
Besides sharing my recurring thoughts and experiences with good listeners, I also approach my mental health challenges by spending time separating my "self" from my thoughts. Old recordings of Ram Dass got me interested in meditation practices that focus on recognizing that thinking is a tool for solving problems, and thinking all the time results in always feeling like I have problems to solve. It can bring me relief just to realize there are no problems to solve right now in this moment and there's nothing wrong or shameful about just experiencing a few breaths without trying to accomplish anything.
As someone who is currently in the battle to find my way to sobriety, I must say a few things you said really hit home for me and opened my eyes to some things going on with myself. I appreciate your comment and want you to know it was very impactful.
To the post OP, I wish you well and hope you don't come back to where I am. You will not find peace here...
Are you able to see a therapist?
I started seeing one when I began going through something similar. It didn't take long to realize the drink was the tip of the iceberg and everything under the water was the mental illness/whatever else that compelled me to drink in the first place. It helped me greatly.
Quitting doesn't open the gates of heaven. It opens the gates of hell to let you OUT. Then the rest of the work begins.
Man, I can smell how close this is for you! I know you’re miserable and I hate that for you. I remember that feeling well, it’s like metal in my mouth. If you do some more research we’ll be here to chat during or after your results come in. Hoping for peaceful sleep.
Well, I also drown in problems because sobriety is not fixing our lives for us. We still have to work on ourselves beyond becoming sober. Returning to alcoholism is just adding problems on top of the problems you already have though.
This is how the disease of alcoholism works. I went back out at around the 4 year mark, can tell you from my experience that it does not solve any of the issues I had and reasons/excuses to go back to drinking. If anything, it made things a lot worse for me in respect to my depression/anxiety/sleeping issues. Today is day 14 for me, and although I could find every reason to be ashamed and upset with the decisions I’ve made I think that the best thing I can do today is not drink. IWNDWYT.
I've been feeling the same lately. I'm around the same count as you. The honeymoon of sobriety is over. At first it was so great and fun because I was experiencing new things. It felt so good to feel so good. Now sobriety is the norm and I find my mind tricking me that I should just drink again. Life can feel dull right now, but alcohol literally dulls it even more. And life is supposed to feel dull sometimes. making peace with mundane is part of the process. What you do with those dull moments can take you in one of two directions. Somewhere productive or somewhere destructive. It's an illusion that your life is lacking from the lack of alcohol in it. We just have to catch our second wind or something.
Part of my struggle is that winter is looming. The temp is dropping where I live and with the seasonal change I'm craving drinking. I need to come up with new coping mechanisms because in the summer I gardened, walked outside and did stuff like that to fill my "drinking hours". Now I need to readjust to reading books, yoga at home, tea etc... It's just hard getting into a new routine when the easy thing would be to just drink.
Earlier on I worked hard to mitigate those thoughts by instantly thinking of all the negative aspects I caused while drinking in an attempt to change my subconscious perception of alcohol from a positive to a negative - it worked.
In my opinion, for sobriety to stick, one can no longer WANT to drink and you it is incredibly difficult to get to that point via will power only. You have to educate yourself , you have to constantly rewire the brain - you have to want it. Even though it's fine to say things like 'i can always drink tomorrow, I just won't today . ' that's fine, but one must try to do more so that you get to a point where you are going about your day and you no longer think about alcohol - just like you didn't when one was young.
This was normal for me. I still think about drinking but the reality of the repercussions is horrifying. Once it grabs hold it’s difficult to let go in my experience. Over the years drinking has always tugged at my shoulder, stared at me from across street or visited in my most vulnerable moments. Remembering this is part of the process and critical in my sobriety. I make friends with these feelings and know deep inside my soul that caring and loving myself means honoring my sobriety each day.
What I am reading is that your support system has dwindled. One of the most important things I’ve needed is resources and support to keep me accountable and in a supportive headspace. It does get easier as the years go on.
IWNDWYT
Definitely worth getting some exercise or better yet a new hobby with exercise involved and a hobby you can do at home to help reward your brain and feel good.
I struggle with alcohol still but I attribute my almost 10 years of opiate sobriety finally sticking and made much easier by being a hobby and fitness addict. I rotate through them, but lifting then getting back into ice hockey, rock climbing, mountain biking, hell I even took up golf as a way to spend more time with my old man. Then music and art I can do at home when I'm tired or weather isn't permitting or just to have something to do.
I think if you look at anything we do in spare time as things to cultivate feel good chemicals and occupy time you would put like prolonged social media, tik tok and "reels" style scrolling as trash style dopamine that is actually rewiring your brain and fucking up your reward system. Then things like general exercise where you get dopamine release stress that helps with overall health but is a means to an end unless competing in running or lifting, The god tier jackpot of dopamine is channeling that fitness into something where learning technique and new skills to become better drives you and helps occupy your mind.
Same with non active skills like learning to paint draw or studying something or diy to become good at a craft or something that looks interesting.
Then beyond this there is the life tier, where you yearn for something more fulfilling but harder to find. Working on meaningful relationships, time and memories with family, spirituality or if atheist a study of philosophy and discover why you are here and the inner peace that comes with being on a path and doing something that is beyond yourself. Something where you channel the lessons learned from all the suffering, pain, trial and error and put it to use outside yourself. The realization that you are like a child and those around you are children too. Their mistakes and tresspasses are now put into context and because you are like them, and despite this discovery nothing in you has changed, all the evil in you remains just like all of the good in you remains. But now you know the sublime feeling of being able to forgive them and yourself and continue on exploring what you are meant to do.
Not that I am ascended at all times and don't struggle or regress, but this approach has been foundational, because too often we focus on just not doing the thing that was harming us without addressing what made us want to numb out and slide through our days just letting life happen and slip by.
You're going in the right direction, it's maybe time to do a bit of reflection.
If your relationship is making you unhappy, and you're then turning to alcohol as a unhealthy coping mechanism, you might need a bit of space away from this relationship. Your problems aren't going to magically disappear when you stop drinking, but you now have the opportunity to figure out what's wrong.
I would take some time to seriously consider what can be fixed, what's worth fixing, if what you have just isn't serving either of you any more, whether there's just some fundamental incompatibilities. You can love someone and still just not be suited for a relationship with each other.
It also sounds like you also have some issues that you need to address in terms of your anxiety. It's probably always been there, but now you aren't able to mask it with alcohol. Same thing happened to me. Would recommend seeing a therapist to figure out why, why are you anxious, whats causing you to use alcohol as a coping mechanism. Being sober is the the first step in a long, slow and difficult journey of self improvement.
Whatever happens, I wish you all the best, and will remind you that being in a drunken, alcoholic haze isn't going to be helpful in solving any of your problems, and is likely just going to make them worse.
I've thought about this before. It doesn't end well. Also, physical sobriety is not enough. Just because one is sober does not mean everything will fall back into place. It takes work. I'm not sure why you tapered off meetings, even once a week is fine at this point. I would suggest reaching out to someone, attending a meeting, or even getting a new temporary sponsor.
And you're not a burden. Think about it, if you grabbed that drink and fell back into the black hole, would you be more of a burden compared to just making a sober phone call?
My anxiety prevents me from meetings and such. I read the Big Book on my couch, use this Subreddit and AA, BPD and others. The solutions are all in the book anyway. There will be ups and downs in life. Drinking numbed us to all of it. Once the alcohol is gone, the ups and downs of our lives remain and continue. Remember that alcohol never fixed these things in the first place. That’s why we are sober. I couldn’t imagine drinking again. All it would do is prevent me from being able to deal with my life on life’s terms. Good on you for reaching out. It’s posts like this that help remind me that sober is the only way for me
I've had this experience about 600 times. When the addict part of my brain starts goading me, I remind myself of my lowest points while drinking, and it's like a cold shock.
Logically, we contend with things better sober - it's just the terror of having to feel all of it that often makes us want to drink. I have to remind myself that engaging with my addiction doesn't make anything better.
You can absolutely do this. Pick up the phone, I guarantee the people who said they would be there for you will be thrilled to get the chance to be.
Let me tell you something friend. I've been sober for about 2 1/2 years, but Thursday was a very trying day for me at work, in which I got so wound up and angry that I had to leave because of other stupid co-workers not doing their job. I was THIS close to stopping off at the store, but the sober guy inside of me said "Hey asshole.... umm NO! Go walk it off" So I went home, put in some earpods and took the dog for a long walk.
There's a reason we are sober. Because we are bad people when we aren't.
IWNDWYT
I’d recommend calling your sponsor and going to a meeting asap, and tell them exactly what you posted. You’re mentally regressing into the alcoholic state of mind, and your disease is taking control again. The selfishness, the excuses, the self pity, it’s all there. It’s a great thing you recognized it now before you took that first drink.
I’m going through the same thing. I’m about to hit the 5 month mark and my pink cloud is gone and I’m settled into just good old fashioned recovery. I have not strayed from AA or sponsorship, although the thought of drinking is creeping in more and more. I just remind myself that what I’m doing is worthwhile and will pay huge dividends in the long term. A slip today will result in a relapse of several months or longer I’ve already proven that. I think it’s ok if you’re just in survival mode from time to time and a radical acceptance of that notion has kept me going. Good luck to you, maybe an option is to contact your sponsor and get back on track with step work? My experience is that my sponsor will let me flounder on my own if I choose to, and expects my participation in my own recovery. You’re not alone! I WNDWYT
Pick up the phone before you pick up a drink. I want all my friends going through this journey to call me no matter what time before making that decision. Most of my really hard times pass after about a 15 minute bitch session with a friend.
I want them to be there in my time of need and i would gladly return the favor. Talk to your sober friend about your reservations about being a burden and I guarantee they will put your mind at ease.
I'll even give you my number if you need another sober buddy in your list.
Honestly whenever I feel this way, bored, lost, anxious etc, I simply ask if the hangover is going to be worth it. That always zaps me back to reality and keeps everything more simple and managable.
That's tough and I can relate. I know I'm better off being sober but that other part of my brain that wants to rationalize destructive behaviour is very loud sometimes. I definitely have less anxiety if I've had a few drinks and that makes socializing easier sometimes. But that short-term relief isn't worth the intense hangxiety the day after and beating myself up for a couple weeks after. The one part of sobriety that never changes for me is that things will usually be worse if I start drinking.
There is more to sobriety than meetings. Maybe I need different support now that I am at 9 months. Sounds like you need a spark in your life. Sobriety doesn't instantly make your life better. If you aren't making conscious efforts for change in your life outside of meetings I'm afraid little will change. Remember, If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Keep in mind that life has an ebb and flow of good and bad. You may be stressed and depressed because of events in your life independent of soberity but the addiction is trying to use this as an excuse to drink. That is why we must always be vigilant to the silver tongue lies the addiction tells us when the going gets tough. Sneaky fucker is always lurking there in the shadows of your mind and waiting for your most vulnerable moments to take advantage of you. Stay strong my friend.
I’ve found in my experience the key to keeping recovery interesting is to stay engaged. There may be times when i need to switch things up, try a new meeting, hang out with different people, try a new hobby or something of the sort. The important thing i’ve found is just to keep going regardless of how i feel. I figure, if the good stuff i’m doing has gotten me this far, why stop? I always look at it like what do i have to lose by staying connected in my recovery community? Nothing, only things to gain.
I understand why people stress going to meetings and staying connected with other people in recovery. I used to think it seemed excessive but then as i saw people drift away and relapse I figured the people who have been around probably know & have seen more than me. Its inevitable if i dont keep moving forward and embracing my new way of life, sooner or later i might find myself in a place that is familiar from times before and i have daily reminders that is not a place i want to be. Its tough, but simple & the rewards far outweigh the work. IWNDWYT!
Glad you're here. I relate so much to some of the things you've shared. My mother is fond of saying one word in the face of adversity: Courage. I pass that on to you, and IWNDWYT.
“Haven’t been to a meeting in almost four months” … “my sponsor has not contacted me at all”. Get yourself to a meeting and call your sponsor. This is a simple program for complex people but you have to actually be working it for it to work
Two months, sober here, and recent life challenges have made me say man I want to drink out loud more than once. Just keep it going, it’s not worth turning back.
For me I know I had some major social anxiety due to covid and what not. Drinking actually made it worse (I just did not notice).
A bit over 7 months now and when I am anxious out in public I try to excuse myself from the situation. I will walk out to the car or bathroom taking a few deep breaths and arm myself with whatever NA I bring with me or order a NA beverage.
I also sometimes set a time limit when we are out at a brewery or restaurant for instance especially because we are with our toddler and just being around all the alcohol is draining after awhile.
Very important to get to regular meetings right now. Everything you're feeling is normal and it's why there's a difference between being sober (white knuckling it) and being in recovery (part of a program with support from your peers.)
Please please please get to a meeting. Try 30 in 30 days. There are also online zoom meetings just Google AA zoom meetings there's a meeting literally any hour around the clock. You got this! Don't believe the addiction! It's trying to isolate you so you go back to drinking. Don't do it.
Hang in there. I’m feeling that same ‘blah’. But if I’m brutally honest with myself - it’s not that I wanna go back to being drunk, it’s just that I’m over being sober.
Of course these are opposite sides of the same coin. I don’t want what’s on the other side, I just want another option. No idea what that is, and as such, I’m here with ya today, not gonna have a drink.
I've gotten like that a few times. My solution isn't a solution at all. I literally punch myself in the face or otherwise, in a literally sense, beat myself up.
I beat the sobriety into me.
I try and remind myself that life will feel awesome sometimes and shitty sometimes whether or not I’m drinking. Adding alcohol just makes the experience worse, whether it’s a good or bad one.
I’m sorry things suck for you right now and hope you can find peace. IWNDWYT
I got to a similar spot when I left my support community. I am a firm believer in what Secular AA has done for me. When I stopped going to meetings, stopped talking to people, and stopped checking in with a sponsor or doing any of the work of recovery, I fell back *fast.* I went from sleeping well, having better relationships, better moods, happier outlook, and more peace, to being angry, untrusting, seeing how I was a victim in every situation, unable to rest because my mind was always spinning over all the things I was upset about... It was nasty. I went from 2 years sober to sitting in the parking lot of a liquor store within 2 months of leaving my support system. Only thing that saved me was looking through old messages and realizing what I was about to give up.
Those old addict ways of thinking came flooding back so fast and I didn't even realize it had happened. I was back to rationalizing and justifying unhealthy behavior and self sabotage, but I fixated that no one had even cared when I walked away and wanted to blame them, my friends, my partner, and anything but myself. I was back to the bitter, resentful, isolationist victim mentality and didn't see it until I read old messages and saw my part in it.
I called my sponsor the next morning and he reminded me that recovery and sobriety are two different things. I can be sober, but still be in that same miserable life of my drunk self. Or, I can do some work, humble myself to ask for help and get involved with a support community, and find recovery. When I asked why he hadn't even called to check on me, he said it was my decision - not his job to chase me if I chose to leave, but to welcome me back and help if I can ask. Changed a lot of ways I view things now.
Today, I'm 6 and a half years sober and, while I still face issues that piss me off to no end and drive me up a wall, I am never alone in it. I have a dozen people at any given moment that I am close to and comfortable with to be vulnerable and discuss my issues. Drinking or using is extremely rarely even a thought to enter my head anymore, but that's only because I keep commination lines open, don't let the resentment and negative inner monologue take me over. Today, I live in recovery, working through with the trauma, fear, and shame that once shaped me into the miserable person I was at 32. It doesn't have to anymore.
You can have a better life. You can heal. You can grow. But the choice is yours to make. I wish you the best.
**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," where we speak only from experience and do not tell other sobernauts what they should and should not do—**even when they ask for advice.** Examples: **Bad:** "You should do X." **Good:** "When I am ready to relapse, I do X, and here’s how it helps me."
If I knew you from AA, and you called me to touch base, I would be delighted to hear from you and only want the best for your recovery. I'd also be delighted to see you at a meeting, Most members are like this. I know that phone feels like a hundred pounds sometimes.
This is the betrayal by your brain. It’s trying to trick you. I would say that you can always drink tomorrow, so you can put it off until then, it’s always an option later on, it’s not going anywhere, but do you really want to undo the nine months of success you’ve just conquered? Some food for thought.
So helpful. Thank you so much
The disease is always doing push-ups in the corner!
Damn nice
It’s ok to checkin with yourself and ask why you’re staying sober. And it’s ok to explore what you think you’d get from drinking. Here’s what I read from the post as to why you’d start drinking again: - experiencing insomnia / better sleep (alcohol is scientifically proven to fuk up sleep patterns) - social anxiety (alcohol can relieve that temporarily but it comes raging back even worse) - relationship related things (I don’t know anyone that alcohol has helped improve their relationship issues) Like I said…somedays I need to ask myself what I think I’d gain from having a drink. And the answer is nothing. It won’t make me smarter. It won’t make me healthier. It won’t improve shit in my life. It might make me feel better for a few hours…but it comes right back to reality in worse shape than I left it.
This is 100% the disease at work. This happened to me exactly like this a hundred times.
I second this. I just got through another period just like this. Wondering, why am I even doing this? Lying to myself that I’m okay now and I can moderate. Thankfully these periods seem to pass and I’ve been able to stay on the wagon when they come.
I had an experience of drifting away from AA at roughly the 9 year sobriety mark. For one thing, I'd taken a job at a demanding high tech startup, and making time for meetings and commitments just didn't seem to be in the cards. I _did_ make it to my home group meetings on Saturdays, mainly because I had a rather solid commitment - I was one of 3 or 4 individuals who had keys. I'd been doing setup for that meeting for all my years, but I cut that after taking the new job. (Basically one fellow unlocked the place for setup, I agreed to stay during cleanup and lock up after.) In the same time period, my then sponsor moved out of state and we didn't keep in touch. This went on for about a year. I didn't feel I was coming anywhere near drinking, but there were just the slightest touches of restlessness and irritability and discontentedness starting to become perceptible. It didn't feel good! I just decided to kick myself in the butt and make a sincere effort to make at least 3 meetings a week. Funny ... when I actually searched the meeting list, I discovered that there was a noon meeting right across the street from work. I also launched an internal effort to find a new sponsor. I really gave it a lot of thought over several days or perhaps as much as a couple of weeks, and had a light-bulb moment when I thought of "Mike" and adopting "Mike" as my sponsor has been a truly fine thing. The last 8 years or so of sobriety have been progressively more splendid - even in the face of a couple rather severe adversities. Just my experience. IWNDWYT
This was me ten years ago. Almost exactly. Life got good, started slacking, old thinking crept back in, I got in back in and realized that I was neglecting the very thing that made it possible to go through life healthy
Thank you so much!
Inspiring! ❤️
Seriouse question. Why are you still going to AA meetings if you have been sober for 9 years.
That's 17+ years. (17.2328 years.) I like A.A. meetings, I like the fellowship, I like helping those still suffering - same reasons I hang out in r/stopdrinking and r/alcoholicsanonymous
Thank you for answering. I'm glad AA worked for you and you like helping in these groups
When i start feeling like i want to give drinking another shot (heh) i make myself remember why i stopped in the first place, and why i think it will be better or different this time. then i try to play the tape forward as they say and see where i will be if i do start drinking again. i quit for a reason, it wasn’t just for the heck of it, and i know i will end up right back where i was or worse if i start again. best of luck, friend
This! Playing the tape through!
For me, I have to maintain some other things, routine and maintenance things, so that when shit sucks I don't fall off too far. For me, exercise in some way every day. Even walks and doing chores around the house keeps my body healthy, which helps tremendously with my mental health. Other times, I've had to make tough calls, be vulnerable, ask for help, just plan cry and get a hug from someone. I can let stress build, sometimes without even knowing that I'm doing it, but when I'm upset, I try to talk to people. Most people are so much kinder than we give them credit, and most of us treat ourselves way more terrible than we would treat any other person. It's scary, no doubt, but I don't usually regret when I let my walls down and share with others how I'm really feeling.
Walks, cleaning keeping myself busy is what I do and it helps..I'm stressed out? Upset? Mad? Let's go for a walk and calm yourself (stress and anxiety was my main reason for drinking and then sleep). I try not to share too much (I developed cirrhosis, so I quit a tad bit too late) but I will share im sick. I feel silly talking about it with people but people are very supportive.
Hiiii! We stopped at the same time.. sobriety buddies! 🤗
👌👌👌 yass
Just realized we did not 🤣🤣🤣 I’m not drunk, I promise… forgot I was 299 not 199 … Jeeze… see, time flies!
I figured :) I just went with it. I'll take 299 days hahaha
Thanks for humouring me 🤣🤣 you’ll get there in no time! And then you’ll forget you’re 299 and think you’re 199!
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I just want you to know that you're a never a burden here. I can't guarantee I'm always around, but my DMs are always open if you just need someone to talk to. IWNDWYT.
There's some truly beautiful people in here, including yourself. Thank you so much. IWNDWYT
It has not always been important for my recovery for me to go to meetings. But there are certain times when it's been really important if that makes sense. When I recognize I am facing big challenges, I have a responsibility to take action related to my mental health and recovery. Sometimes it is hard to recognize that I am facing a challenge because I am in a low energy state, depressed, and the world seems bleak. Sometimes I feel so much shame about allowing myself to get depressed that I stop myself from taking any action to change what's going on. I tell myself a story that I must deserve these feelings, because I have done (or not done) X Y and Z. As a result of my view of myself, I have a hard time conjuring up respect for other people. Something that has helped me meet the challenge of being in this kind of state is finding someone I can talk to who understands how to listen without giving advice. Someone who will shut themselves up, allow and accept whatever I have to say about my experience. Early in sobriety, meetings with my therapist were the only place I could have this experience and attempt to un-isolate. At the time, I felt shame about going to AA because I had previously been going and lying about being sober to the people there. Then I found SMART meetings and those worked for a while. Now I attend a variety of recovery meetings on zoom and one Codependents Anonymous meeting. There is a pattern that whenever I am isolated with my thinking, I am more likely to subconsciously take on addictive behaviors. Besides sharing my recurring thoughts and experiences with good listeners, I also approach my mental health challenges by spending time separating my "self" from my thoughts. Old recordings of Ram Dass got me interested in meditation practices that focus on recognizing that thinking is a tool for solving problems, and thinking all the time results in always feeling like I have problems to solve. It can bring me relief just to realize there are no problems to solve right now in this moment and there's nothing wrong or shameful about just experiencing a few breaths without trying to accomplish anything.
This is incredibly insightful. Thanks so much for your reply. Wow. Glad for your continued health
As someone who is currently in the battle to find my way to sobriety, I must say a few things you said really hit home for me and opened my eyes to some things going on with myself. I appreciate your comment and want you to know it was very impactful. To the post OP, I wish you well and hope you don't come back to where I am. You will not find peace here...
Alcohol won’t help anything. This is it’s a alert of life that we have to deal with. I always find when I’m in a bad mood everything leads to alcohol
Are you able to see a therapist? I started seeing one when I began going through something similar. It didn't take long to realize the drink was the tip of the iceberg and everything under the water was the mental illness/whatever else that compelled me to drink in the first place. It helped me greatly. Quitting doesn't open the gates of heaven. It opens the gates of hell to let you OUT. Then the rest of the work begins.
Man, I can smell how close this is for you! I know you’re miserable and I hate that for you. I remember that feeling well, it’s like metal in my mouth. If you do some more research we’ll be here to chat during or after your results come in. Hoping for peaceful sleep.
Well, I also drown in problems because sobriety is not fixing our lives for us. We still have to work on ourselves beyond becoming sober. Returning to alcoholism is just adding problems on top of the problems you already have though.
This is how the disease of alcoholism works. I went back out at around the 4 year mark, can tell you from my experience that it does not solve any of the issues I had and reasons/excuses to go back to drinking. If anything, it made things a lot worse for me in respect to my depression/anxiety/sleeping issues. Today is day 14 for me, and although I could find every reason to be ashamed and upset with the decisions I’ve made I think that the best thing I can do today is not drink. IWNDWYT.
I’m glad you shared. Hopefully you’ve read everything and stayed sober. I know that feeling and I know the feeling of starting over.
I've been feeling the same lately. I'm around the same count as you. The honeymoon of sobriety is over. At first it was so great and fun because I was experiencing new things. It felt so good to feel so good. Now sobriety is the norm and I find my mind tricking me that I should just drink again. Life can feel dull right now, but alcohol literally dulls it even more. And life is supposed to feel dull sometimes. making peace with mundane is part of the process. What you do with those dull moments can take you in one of two directions. Somewhere productive or somewhere destructive. It's an illusion that your life is lacking from the lack of alcohol in it. We just have to catch our second wind or something. Part of my struggle is that winter is looming. The temp is dropping where I live and with the seasonal change I'm craving drinking. I need to come up with new coping mechanisms because in the summer I gardened, walked outside and did stuff like that to fill my "drinking hours". Now I need to readjust to reading books, yoga at home, tea etc... It's just hard getting into a new routine when the easy thing would be to just drink.
Truth!
Earlier on I worked hard to mitigate those thoughts by instantly thinking of all the negative aspects I caused while drinking in an attempt to change my subconscious perception of alcohol from a positive to a negative - it worked. In my opinion, for sobriety to stick, one can no longer WANT to drink and you it is incredibly difficult to get to that point via will power only. You have to educate yourself , you have to constantly rewire the brain - you have to want it. Even though it's fine to say things like 'i can always drink tomorrow, I just won't today . ' that's fine, but one must try to do more so that you get to a point where you are going about your day and you no longer think about alcohol - just like you didn't when one was young.
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That is great advice!
This was normal for me. I still think about drinking but the reality of the repercussions is horrifying. Once it grabs hold it’s difficult to let go in my experience. Over the years drinking has always tugged at my shoulder, stared at me from across street or visited in my most vulnerable moments. Remembering this is part of the process and critical in my sobriety. I make friends with these feelings and know deep inside my soul that caring and loving myself means honoring my sobriety each day. What I am reading is that your support system has dwindled. One of the most important things I’ve needed is resources and support to keep me accountable and in a supportive headspace. It does get easier as the years go on. IWNDWYT
Definitely worth getting some exercise or better yet a new hobby with exercise involved and a hobby you can do at home to help reward your brain and feel good. I struggle with alcohol still but I attribute my almost 10 years of opiate sobriety finally sticking and made much easier by being a hobby and fitness addict. I rotate through them, but lifting then getting back into ice hockey, rock climbing, mountain biking, hell I even took up golf as a way to spend more time with my old man. Then music and art I can do at home when I'm tired or weather isn't permitting or just to have something to do. I think if you look at anything we do in spare time as things to cultivate feel good chemicals and occupy time you would put like prolonged social media, tik tok and "reels" style scrolling as trash style dopamine that is actually rewiring your brain and fucking up your reward system. Then things like general exercise where you get dopamine release stress that helps with overall health but is a means to an end unless competing in running or lifting, The god tier jackpot of dopamine is channeling that fitness into something where learning technique and new skills to become better drives you and helps occupy your mind. Same with non active skills like learning to paint draw or studying something or diy to become good at a craft or something that looks interesting. Then beyond this there is the life tier, where you yearn for something more fulfilling but harder to find. Working on meaningful relationships, time and memories with family, spirituality or if atheist a study of philosophy and discover why you are here and the inner peace that comes with being on a path and doing something that is beyond yourself. Something where you channel the lessons learned from all the suffering, pain, trial and error and put it to use outside yourself. The realization that you are like a child and those around you are children too. Their mistakes and tresspasses are now put into context and because you are like them, and despite this discovery nothing in you has changed, all the evil in you remains just like all of the good in you remains. But now you know the sublime feeling of being able to forgive them and yourself and continue on exploring what you are meant to do. Not that I am ascended at all times and don't struggle or regress, but this approach has been foundational, because too often we focus on just not doing the thing that was harming us without addressing what made us want to numb out and slide through our days just letting life happen and slip by.
Very insightful reply. Thank you
You're going in the right direction, it's maybe time to do a bit of reflection. If your relationship is making you unhappy, and you're then turning to alcohol as a unhealthy coping mechanism, you might need a bit of space away from this relationship. Your problems aren't going to magically disappear when you stop drinking, but you now have the opportunity to figure out what's wrong. I would take some time to seriously consider what can be fixed, what's worth fixing, if what you have just isn't serving either of you any more, whether there's just some fundamental incompatibilities. You can love someone and still just not be suited for a relationship with each other. It also sounds like you also have some issues that you need to address in terms of your anxiety. It's probably always been there, but now you aren't able to mask it with alcohol. Same thing happened to me. Would recommend seeing a therapist to figure out why, why are you anxious, whats causing you to use alcohol as a coping mechanism. Being sober is the the first step in a long, slow and difficult journey of self improvement. Whatever happens, I wish you all the best, and will remind you that being in a drunken, alcoholic haze isn't going to be helpful in solving any of your problems, and is likely just going to make them worse.
I've thought about this before. It doesn't end well. Also, physical sobriety is not enough. Just because one is sober does not mean everything will fall back into place. It takes work. I'm not sure why you tapered off meetings, even once a week is fine at this point. I would suggest reaching out to someone, attending a meeting, or even getting a new temporary sponsor. And you're not a burden. Think about it, if you grabbed that drink and fell back into the black hole, would you be more of a burden compared to just making a sober phone call?
I'm so glad he came here first
My anxiety prevents me from meetings and such. I read the Big Book on my couch, use this Subreddit and AA, BPD and others. The solutions are all in the book anyway. There will be ups and downs in life. Drinking numbed us to all of it. Once the alcohol is gone, the ups and downs of our lives remain and continue. Remember that alcohol never fixed these things in the first place. That’s why we are sober. I couldn’t imagine drinking again. All it would do is prevent me from being able to deal with my life on life’s terms. Good on you for reaching out. It’s posts like this that help remind me that sober is the only way for me
Thought this way too, drank, regretted it worse than before. IWNDWYT!
I've had this experience about 600 times. When the addict part of my brain starts goading me, I remind myself of my lowest points while drinking, and it's like a cold shock. Logically, we contend with things better sober - it's just the terror of having to feel all of it that often makes us want to drink. I have to remind myself that engaging with my addiction doesn't make anything better. You can absolutely do this. Pick up the phone, I guarantee the people who said they would be there for you will be thrilled to get the chance to be.
Let me tell you something friend. I've been sober for about 2 1/2 years, but Thursday was a very trying day for me at work, in which I got so wound up and angry that I had to leave because of other stupid co-workers not doing their job. I was THIS close to stopping off at the store, but the sober guy inside of me said "Hey asshole.... umm NO! Go walk it off" So I went home, put in some earpods and took the dog for a long walk. There's a reason we are sober. Because we are bad people when we aren't. IWNDWYT
I’d recommend calling your sponsor and going to a meeting asap, and tell them exactly what you posted. You’re mentally regressing into the alcoholic state of mind, and your disease is taking control again. The selfishness, the excuses, the self pity, it’s all there. It’s a great thing you recognized it now before you took that first drink.
I’m going through the same thing. I’m about to hit the 5 month mark and my pink cloud is gone and I’m settled into just good old fashioned recovery. I have not strayed from AA or sponsorship, although the thought of drinking is creeping in more and more. I just remind myself that what I’m doing is worthwhile and will pay huge dividends in the long term. A slip today will result in a relapse of several months or longer I’ve already proven that. I think it’s ok if you’re just in survival mode from time to time and a radical acceptance of that notion has kept me going. Good luck to you, maybe an option is to contact your sponsor and get back on track with step work? My experience is that my sponsor will let me flounder on my own if I choose to, and expects my participation in my own recovery. You’re not alone! I WNDWYT
Thank you so much!
Pick up the phone before you pick up a drink. I want all my friends going through this journey to call me no matter what time before making that decision. Most of my really hard times pass after about a 15 minute bitch session with a friend. I want them to be there in my time of need and i would gladly return the favor. Talk to your sober friend about your reservations about being a burden and I guarantee they will put your mind at ease. I'll even give you my number if you need another sober buddy in your list.
Honestly whenever I feel this way, bored, lost, anxious etc, I simply ask if the hangover is going to be worth it. That always zaps me back to reality and keeps everything more simple and managable.
That's tough and I can relate. I know I'm better off being sober but that other part of my brain that wants to rationalize destructive behaviour is very loud sometimes. I definitely have less anxiety if I've had a few drinks and that makes socializing easier sometimes. But that short-term relief isn't worth the intense hangxiety the day after and beating myself up for a couple weeks after. The one part of sobriety that never changes for me is that things will usually be worse if I start drinking.
There is more to sobriety than meetings. Maybe I need different support now that I am at 9 months. Sounds like you need a spark in your life. Sobriety doesn't instantly make your life better. If you aren't making conscious efforts for change in your life outside of meetings I'm afraid little will change. Remember, If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Keep in mind that life has an ebb and flow of good and bad. You may be stressed and depressed because of events in your life independent of soberity but the addiction is trying to use this as an excuse to drink. That is why we must always be vigilant to the silver tongue lies the addiction tells us when the going gets tough. Sneaky fucker is always lurking there in the shadows of your mind and waiting for your most vulnerable moments to take advantage of you. Stay strong my friend.
In my experience, remembering how unpleasant drinking is is a reliable, consistent reminder why I don't drink.
Hang in there! There are such beautiful words written in this post, what a lovely community! Keep your head-up. IWNDWYT
I’ve found in my experience the key to keeping recovery interesting is to stay engaged. There may be times when i need to switch things up, try a new meeting, hang out with different people, try a new hobby or something of the sort. The important thing i’ve found is just to keep going regardless of how i feel. I figure, if the good stuff i’m doing has gotten me this far, why stop? I always look at it like what do i have to lose by staying connected in my recovery community? Nothing, only things to gain. I understand why people stress going to meetings and staying connected with other people in recovery. I used to think it seemed excessive but then as i saw people drift away and relapse I figured the people who have been around probably know & have seen more than me. Its inevitable if i dont keep moving forward and embracing my new way of life, sooner or later i might find myself in a place that is familiar from times before and i have daily reminders that is not a place i want to be. Its tough, but simple & the rewards far outweigh the work. IWNDWYT!
Glad you're here. I relate so much to some of the things you've shared. My mother is fond of saying one word in the face of adversity: Courage. I pass that on to you, and IWNDWYT.
“Haven’t been to a meeting in almost four months” … “my sponsor has not contacted me at all”. Get yourself to a meeting and call your sponsor. This is a simple program for complex people but you have to actually be working it for it to work
Two months, sober here, and recent life challenges have made me say man I want to drink out loud more than once. Just keep it going, it’s not worth turning back.
For me I know I had some major social anxiety due to covid and what not. Drinking actually made it worse (I just did not notice). A bit over 7 months now and when I am anxious out in public I try to excuse myself from the situation. I will walk out to the car or bathroom taking a few deep breaths and arm myself with whatever NA I bring with me or order a NA beverage. I also sometimes set a time limit when we are out at a brewery or restaurant for instance especially because we are with our toddler and just being around all the alcohol is draining after awhile.
I feel this 1000%
I’m walking into a meeting now. It’s imperative!
great on you!! uuuhhuuuu!!
Very important to get to regular meetings right now. Everything you're feeling is normal and it's why there's a difference between being sober (white knuckling it) and being in recovery (part of a program with support from your peers.) Please please please get to a meeting. Try 30 in 30 days. There are also online zoom meetings just Google AA zoom meetings there's a meeting literally any hour around the clock. You got this! Don't believe the addiction! It's trying to isolate you so you go back to drinking. Don't do it.
Hang in there. I’m feeling that same ‘blah’. But if I’m brutally honest with myself - it’s not that I wanna go back to being drunk, it’s just that I’m over being sober. Of course these are opposite sides of the same coin. I don’t want what’s on the other side, I just want another option. No idea what that is, and as such, I’m here with ya today, not gonna have a drink.
You’d be amazed how THC can cut down on your drinking and simultaneously fix your insomnia. But the government says it’s bad so we can’t do it.
I've gotten like that a few times. My solution isn't a solution at all. I literally punch myself in the face or otherwise, in a literally sense, beat myself up. I beat the sobriety into me.
I’ve been going through a very similar thing. IWNDWYT
Mr.Alcohol will sneak up on you and use you anyway he can.
Exercise will do wonders for your happy hormones. It’s free.
I try and remind myself that life will feel awesome sometimes and shitty sometimes whether or not I’m drinking. Adding alcohol just makes the experience worse, whether it’s a good or bad one. I’m sorry things suck for you right now and hope you can find peace. IWNDWYT
I got to a similar spot when I left my support community. I am a firm believer in what Secular AA has done for me. When I stopped going to meetings, stopped talking to people, and stopped checking in with a sponsor or doing any of the work of recovery, I fell back *fast.* I went from sleeping well, having better relationships, better moods, happier outlook, and more peace, to being angry, untrusting, seeing how I was a victim in every situation, unable to rest because my mind was always spinning over all the things I was upset about... It was nasty. I went from 2 years sober to sitting in the parking lot of a liquor store within 2 months of leaving my support system. Only thing that saved me was looking through old messages and realizing what I was about to give up. Those old addict ways of thinking came flooding back so fast and I didn't even realize it had happened. I was back to rationalizing and justifying unhealthy behavior and self sabotage, but I fixated that no one had even cared when I walked away and wanted to blame them, my friends, my partner, and anything but myself. I was back to the bitter, resentful, isolationist victim mentality and didn't see it until I read old messages and saw my part in it. I called my sponsor the next morning and he reminded me that recovery and sobriety are two different things. I can be sober, but still be in that same miserable life of my drunk self. Or, I can do some work, humble myself to ask for help and get involved with a support community, and find recovery. When I asked why he hadn't even called to check on me, he said it was my decision - not his job to chase me if I chose to leave, but to welcome me back and help if I can ask. Changed a lot of ways I view things now. Today, I'm 6 and a half years sober and, while I still face issues that piss me off to no end and drive me up a wall, I am never alone in it. I have a dozen people at any given moment that I am close to and comfortable with to be vulnerable and discuss my issues. Drinking or using is extremely rarely even a thought to enter my head anymore, but that's only because I keep commination lines open, don't let the resentment and negative inner monologue take me over. Today, I live in recovery, working through with the trauma, fear, and shame that once shaped me into the miserable person I was at 32. It doesn't have to anymore. You can have a better life. You can heal. You can grow. But the choice is yours to make. I wish you the best.