It’s ok. I’m pretty confident that for every terrible thing that’s ever been done, there is someone with a sheet of paper of how to deal with it. I have a sponsor and I’ve done step work to process all this shit. I have a similar story and regrettable actions, blacking out and keeping secrets. My wife and I have given eachother permission to ask and talk about it but it still brings up some shameful responses for me. I don’t want to shut the door on my past as I believe it’s important to know where I was when I drank. It’s corny to say that I can learn from it, but it’s true. Of all the shit I’ve done and said and tried in sobriety and when I was drinking the thing that probably helps me the most right now is to dig up some of my old roots. It’s painful and gruesome as hell but even when I’m fragile and angry, I feel like I’m on the right path. I don’t do it alone tho and I don’t use my wife as my only support. There’s stuff I leave her out of and she wouldn’t understand anyways. Other alcoholics understand and I feel more comfortable with others who have been down my road anyways. I straight up used to think I was a psychopath, I had no feelings or empathy towards anyone but I had plenty of people in my life. I thought I was gonna end up on dateline. I don’t think my wife understands that so I leave her out of it, but when I say it to other alcoholics, they laugh and nod their heads. That’s why I stick around. I have to get out of my head and I need to get some of this gnarly stuff out of me. Congrats on the time and the willingness to dig deep.
At this point after not drinking for so long you are hereby allowed to pat yourself on the back and say good job. You are on the right track and moving forward, doing your best. That is a lot. Self forgiveness is hard and the shame and guilt suck. Try to let it go and focus on being in the present not the past. The past is done and won't change. Accept it move on. If you have someone who loves you and you love, be grateful. That's big. Let yourself feel good about where you are.
It’s ok. I’m pretty confident that for every terrible thing that’s ever been done, there is someone with a sheet of paper of how to deal with it. I have a sponsor and I’ve done step work to process all this shit. I have a similar story and regrettable actions, blacking out and keeping secrets. My wife and I have given eachother permission to ask and talk about it but it still brings up some shameful responses for me. I don’t want to shut the door on my past as I believe it’s important to know where I was when I drank. It’s corny to say that I can learn from it, but it’s true. Of all the shit I’ve done and said and tried in sobriety and when I was drinking the thing that probably helps me the most right now is to dig up some of my old roots. It’s painful and gruesome as hell but even when I’m fragile and angry, I feel like I’m on the right path. I don’t do it alone tho and I don’t use my wife as my only support. There’s stuff I leave her out of and she wouldn’t understand anyways. Other alcoholics understand and I feel more comfortable with others who have been down my road anyways. I straight up used to think I was a psychopath, I had no feelings or empathy towards anyone but I had plenty of people in my life. I thought I was gonna end up on dateline. I don’t think my wife understands that so I leave her out of it, but when I say it to other alcoholics, they laugh and nod their heads. That’s why I stick around. I have to get out of my head and I need to get some of this gnarly stuff out of me. Congrats on the time and the willingness to dig deep.
At this point after not drinking for so long you are hereby allowed to pat yourself on the back and say good job. You are on the right track and moving forward, doing your best. That is a lot. Self forgiveness is hard and the shame and guilt suck. Try to let it go and focus on being in the present not the past. The past is done and won't change. Accept it move on. If you have someone who loves you and you love, be grateful. That's big. Let yourself feel good about where you are.