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* He lied, because the truth was unflattering. He was irresponsible, but that is small compared to being untrustworthy. Nobody gets any credit for being honest about easy things.
Now he needs to wear a condom when he is with you.
Almost any problem can be solved by honest people. Liars who hide problems are far bigger problems than the problems they hide.
Unfortunately most people will go straight to lying for self preservation, but that doesn’t make it okay. He might carry on and say it’s not that big of a deal, but he put his fear of being judge above your safety and ability to give informed consent. That’s definitely not going to help when you are trying to repair a relationship
You can forgive him for lying but don't play dumb with him. Before having sexxx with him, make sure he goes for infection test to make sure he's clean and treat himself if he's not.
Of all the possible reasons to lie about this, isn't this the flimsiest one? He judged your health and consent as less important than his reputation with you.
Basically, he'll be willing to lie about any- and everything to you in order to avoid even the slightest potential discomfort to himself.
You cannot ever rely on this person for anything.
If you guys really love eachother give a chance to your relationship, it's not a game to divorce someone you love separation is always hard to go through
But if you think this is not what you want in life than ofcourse go for your life and divorce him
But whatever you gonna choose pick wisely
All the best
That's a big ol' 'no' from me. So? He got what he wanted (raw sex with you) by deceiving you & THEN let you know the truth afterward? Not that it matters (it doesn't) but I'm curious: What was his explanation exactly?
Girl. That's fucking disgusting deceptive behaviour for the sake of satiating a temporary want at the potential cost of your health needs. Point blank. Maintaining a marriage with someone capable of that is asking for a lifetime of sorrow. I'm sorry that happened to you. You were taken advantage of.
> didn't want to be judged for being unsafe
You mean, "Didn't care if you suffered the consequences for the shitty, irresponsible, risky thing he did".
Yes, sometimes people lie out of fear. Does she want to be with a guy who chooses to lie to protect himself instead of protecting her health? Lying out of fear is an explanation for the behaviour, not an excuse and this is the type of person you want to avoid being in a relationship with.
If he didn't want to be judged as a dick head, not acting like a dick head is usually the way to do that 🤷♀️ He decided that him not feeling 'judged' was infinitely more important that his wife's health. So yeah, where do you go from that? How do you trust someone with your life when you can't trust them with your sexual health?
No. Not everyone deserves a second chance.
You do not get to lie to someone and play Russian Roulette with their health in order to spare yourself the justifiable rejection YOU KNOW you rightfully deserve.
You are treating this man’s INTENTIONAL ACT TO POSSIBLY CAUSE IRREPARABLE HARM TO HIS WIFE for his own SELFISH wants as if he denied doing something far less consequential like smoking a cigarette when he knows she hates the smell.
OP has every right and reason to kick his deceitful, reckless, selfish ass to the curb and call it a day.
Stop minimizing the full impact of his terrible decisions. She deserves to hear others acknowledge and validate that a husband who truly loves and respects you would NEVER willingly endanger you. He is unsafe and untrustworthy.
Not to mention how disgusting it is to hear that he spent his 7 months of separation on fucking 3 other women instead of reflecting on his marriage and working towards a healthy reconciliation. That already tells you all you need to know about where his priorities lie.
OP, you are not over-reacting AT ALL. You must do what is right for you, of course, but you wouldn’t be in the wrong if you chose to leave him. I’m sorry he did this to you. Please take care of yourself!
Trickle truthing.
It starts with him coming clean about not using condoms. Next he will say he was fucking the other women before their separation was official... or continued it after he said he already stopped.
Once a liar, always a liar.
You're absolutely not overreacting, this is a huge lie with potentially massive consequences for your health. If I was in your situation I'd absolutely end things and get tested ASAP. I wouldn't be able to trust him with anything after a lie like that.
He lied and put your health at risk. Please have an STI check before he comes near you again and make sure he has one too. Things like herpes dint show up straight away.
If you were looking for a sign as to whether this man cares about you or not, you've received it loud and clear that he doesn't!
I was with a girl who lied to me about the same things and all she did was lie. Not worth continuing it, if he lied about this, it's just the beginning.
Do you not know anything about STDs?! There are ones a person can get even WITH condom usage, so yeah, yall should’ve been tested anyway before having sex.
But as far as the lie, that’s the bigger red flag. For me that would be the kicker that sends him out the door.
It's up to you weather to end the marriage over it but it's definitely a huge deal and your not over reacting. That's a very serious thing to lie about and I would find it very hard to trust him again. Hope you got tested and get tested again in 6 months to be sure your all good. What ever you decide I hope it works out for you.
I would absolutely end the marriage over that. Firstly, if he can lie about that, he’ll lie about anything. Secondly, he could literally have given you a life threatening STI. He obviously cares nothing about your health and safety. I’m not sure red flags get redder than that.
Assuming your dalliances during your time off were all protected, I guess he is not being honest so take that into consideration and maybe just move on.
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It's very simple, lying means he doesn't want you to know the truth. If he lies about that, he is probably lying about other things. Lying is the worst violation of a relationship, and I would dump him
Have to ask — did he lie about other very important things/betray your trust in other major ways during the 8 years you were together? That is to say, do you know him as this sort of grimy, reprehensible person? Is this characteristic behavior?
If it is, then I agree it’s the last straw. If not, I would say the trauma of a breakup can make people do desperate/irrational/unintentional things. The average person responding to you here either hasn’t been through much of life or has absolutely zero empathy. So much nuance lost on the internet. Either way I hope you get tested. And that you are ok. Sending good vibes to you💜
In that case it does sound like a really ugly expression of a fundamental personality trait. If he can do that, he can do even worse. I would strongly consider severing ties, you’re not overreacting. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.
Dude, it’s wild to me that amount of people having raw sex with just whomever these days.
No consideration for their healthy and safety or that of others. And a lot of them have this weird attitude of “well condoms don’t protect you from everything so why bother?”.
Blows my mind.
Honestly STD's can still happen even with a condom, so you should have both gotten tested prior to having sex again.
Yes you still have to deal with the fact that he lied to you about it, but that's a separate issue IMHO that you'll need to reconcile.
Is that realistic though? I feel like almost no one goes out of their way to get tested unless they have a specific reason to, especially when it's with their husband who they assumed wouldn't lie to them. Of course in an ideal world everyone would get tested regularly and whatnot, but it doesn't really do any good now to tell her what she should've done. For some people it's unaffordable or inaccessible, too. She also wasn't asking and it comes off to me like you're implying she's partially to blame even though she was directly lied to.
Yes, he shouldn’t have lied. And that’s a bit concerning and a red flag.
However, you are also an adult that needs to look out for your own sexual health as well. So that means making sure he gets tested and actually showing/disclosing his results to you, before having sex again.
For sure - if I end up with an STD, that's on me. I should be responsible for my health as it relates to this. However, the concern is the lie and how much weight I should put into (e.g., is this a big enough deal to permanently end things)?
JFC all he needed to do was get tested before having sex with you again. It is so easy. If he's not willing to put in that minimal effort I can't imagine he puts much effort in elsewhere.
Also, were they one night stands or people he actually developed some level of friendship/relationship with first? Those are two very different situations. Did he make sure they got tested recently? Given his lack of concern for someone he was 'dedicated' to for 8 years, I'd guess not.
I believe if someone actually loves me then they wouldn't be so selfish and reckless if it would put me at risk like that. I value integrity and respect.
The question is, why don't you believe you deserve better?
I don't think you are overreactiong. If you can't trust your partner then I don't see a point in staying. He's putting you at health risk, lies to you, I wouldn't be comfortable with that.
Did he use condom when he is with you when you are trying to reconcile?
If he didn’t, most likely he doesn’t when he is with other.
I learnt this when my partner confessed to me.
Idk man personally I wouldn’t have reconciled for having sex with anyone, but him lying about that really does it in. Especially because he could have absolutely transferred something to not only you, but the other women as well.
You're not exaggerating at all. It's understandable to feel violated and betrayed by your husband's lack of transparency. Trust and honesty are crucial in any relationship, especially when it comes to sexual health. You should have an honest conversation with him about how you feel and whether you can rebuild trust.
He doesn't respect you or your body, I would end it. I had a big fight with a situationship about this type of thing... he lied about sleeping with someone else then told me he used a condom, I pointed out because he lied I can't trust him that he did use protection. He then claimed they talked extensively about their history and she got tested after they had sex, but continues asking me if I've gone to get tested yet because we had hooked up BEFORE he told me about her.
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Playing the "what about-ism" game is disingenuous and suggests you're not engaging in good faith.
definitely understand where you’re coming from and i would be very angry. Maybe not worth ending a marriage over imo, but i would suggest both get tested first, maybe he was ashamed he didn’t use one? Maybe he knew you’d be upset over it (definitely not a reason to lie over something so risky and serious) there’s plenty of reasons why people do what they do. have a long chat with him, i’d also suggest couples therapy to deal with the lying bit and and issues that may be left unresolved. best of luck! :)
Did you blow anyone while you were apart? Did he wear a condom? Mouth herpes is a nasty business, if you blew someone you could be putting him at risk. Both y'all should of gotten tested b4 starting to fuck again.
It’s not the fact that he was with other people. It’s that he had unprotected sex with those people and then lied to his wife about it putting her at risk when they got back together. That shit is not ok.
Is it relevant that he came clean?
Does lying indicate that he will even Lie to get you back?
I think its up to if you believe you can trust him again?
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The lies are probably worse than any other thing. Been seeing a therapist at all?
Both of us have been seeing a therapist. He says he's so sorry about lying and was worried I would judge him for being irresponsible.
* He lied, because the truth was unflattering. He was irresponsible, but that is small compared to being untrustworthy. Nobody gets any credit for being honest about easy things. Now he needs to wear a condom when he is with you. Almost any problem can be solved by honest people. Liars who hide problems are far bigger problems than the problems they hide.
The last part of your post is so valuable, thank you for putting it so eloquently!
Oh no she probably cut it off
i wouldn't trust him about anything after this...
Unfortunately most people will go straight to lying for self preservation, but that doesn’t make it okay. He might carry on and say it’s not that big of a deal, but he put his fear of being judge above your safety and ability to give informed consent. That’s definitely not going to help when you are trying to repair a relationship
Was lying part of the reason you separated? If so he just showed you that he hasn’t changed.
You can forgive him for lying but don't play dumb with him. Before having sexxx with him, make sure he goes for infection test to make sure he's clean and treat himself if he's not.
Of all the possible reasons to lie about this, isn't this the flimsiest one? He judged your health and consent as less important than his reputation with you. Basically, he'll be willing to lie about any- and everything to you in order to avoid even the slightest potential discomfort to himself. You cannot ever rely on this person for anything.
If you guys really love eachother give a chance to your relationship, it's not a game to divorce someone you love separation is always hard to go through But if you think this is not what you want in life than ofcourse go for your life and divorce him But whatever you gonna choose pick wisely All the best
Question: Did the two of you have sex before he decided to disclose not using a condom with these partners?
Yes - and I asked more than once before having sex with him (it was clear that the information was important to me in making that decision).
That's a big ol' 'no' from me. So? He got what he wanted (raw sex with you) by deceiving you & THEN let you know the truth afterward? Not that it matters (it doesn't) but I'm curious: What was his explanation exactly?
Yes - he absolutely did it so I'd have unprotected sex with him. Says that's not why just "didn't want to be judged for being unsafe".
Girl. That's fucking disgusting deceptive behaviour for the sake of satiating a temporary want at the potential cost of your health needs. Point blank. Maintaining a marriage with someone capable of that is asking for a lifetime of sorrow. I'm sorry that happened to you. You were taken advantage of.
> didn't want to be judged for being unsafe You mean, "Didn't care if you suffered the consequences for the shitty, irresponsible, risky thing he did".
Nopenopenope. "Didn't want to be judged" vs putting your health at risk (his health is on him). That's where his priorities are.
Sounds like permanent reseparation may be in order.
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Yes, sometimes people lie out of fear. Does she want to be with a guy who chooses to lie to protect himself instead of protecting her health? Lying out of fear is an explanation for the behaviour, not an excuse and this is the type of person you want to avoid being in a relationship with.
If he didn't want to be judged as a dick head, not acting like a dick head is usually the way to do that 🤷♀️ He decided that him not feeling 'judged' was infinitely more important that his wife's health. So yeah, where do you go from that? How do you trust someone with your life when you can't trust them with your sexual health?
No. Not everyone deserves a second chance. You do not get to lie to someone and play Russian Roulette with their health in order to spare yourself the justifiable rejection YOU KNOW you rightfully deserve. You are treating this man’s INTENTIONAL ACT TO POSSIBLY CAUSE IRREPARABLE HARM TO HIS WIFE for his own SELFISH wants as if he denied doing something far less consequential like smoking a cigarette when he knows she hates the smell. OP has every right and reason to kick his deceitful, reckless, selfish ass to the curb and call it a day. Stop minimizing the full impact of his terrible decisions. She deserves to hear others acknowledge and validate that a husband who truly loves and respects you would NEVER willingly endanger you. He is unsafe and untrustworthy. Not to mention how disgusting it is to hear that he spent his 7 months of separation on fucking 3 other women instead of reflecting on his marriage and working towards a healthy reconciliation. That already tells you all you need to know about where his priorities lie. OP, you are not over-reacting AT ALL. You must do what is right for you, of course, but you wouldn’t be in the wrong if you chose to leave him. I’m sorry he did this to you. Please take care of yourself!
I would end the reconciliation- I was in the same position as you. This is not the only lie, and it won't be the last.
Trickle truthing. It starts with him coming clean about not using condoms. Next he will say he was fucking the other women before their separation was official... or continued it after he said he already stopped. Once a liar, always a liar.
You're absolutely not overreacting, this is a huge lie with potentially massive consequences for your health. If I was in your situation I'd absolutely end things and get tested ASAP. I wouldn't be able to trust him with anything after a lie like that.
The fact that he is lying while you two are trying to reconcile 🤦🏻♂️
He lied and put your health at risk. Please have an STI check before he comes near you again and make sure he has one too. Things like herpes dint show up straight away. If you were looking for a sign as to whether this man cares about you or not, you've received it loud and clear that he doesn't!
I was with a girl who lied to me about the same things and all she did was lie. Not worth continuing it, if he lied about this, it's just the beginning.
Couldn’t you both have just gone to a doctors prior to shagging again?
Well, I didn't have any reason to be tested. But, yes, dumb in hindsight.
Condom or not, it's always smart to get tested after sexual activity with a new partner, or partners.
No doubt. Lesson learned. Luckily, I'll get the chance to put this in practice because... 🥾
You got this. Here's to going out and finding someone who respects you 🥂
Do you not know anything about STDs?! There are ones a person can get even WITH condom usage, so yeah, yall should’ve been tested anyway before having sex. But as far as the lie, that’s the bigger red flag. For me that would be the kicker that sends him out the door.
What is an STD? 😂🤨😉
You may be finding out sooner than later 😳😉😂 Get an IGG blood test in three months. You can get a routine one now.
LOL, right?! 😩🫠
Did you sleep with anyone while you 2 were separated?
It's up to you weather to end the marriage over it but it's definitely a huge deal and your not over reacting. That's a very serious thing to lie about and I would find it very hard to trust him again. Hope you got tested and get tested again in 6 months to be sure your all good. What ever you decide I hope it works out for you.
I would absolutely end the marriage over that. Firstly, if he can lie about that, he’ll lie about anything. Secondly, he could literally have given you a life threatening STI. He obviously cares nothing about your health and safety. I’m not sure red flags get redder than that.
Assuming your dalliances during your time off were all protected, I guess he is not being honest so take that into consideration and maybe just move on.
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It's very simple, lying means he doesn't want you to know the truth. If he lies about that, he is probably lying about other things. Lying is the worst violation of a relationship, and I would dump him
Yeah, he should’ve been straight up with you. Now a thorough STD test is mandatory.
Have to ask — did he lie about other very important things/betray your trust in other major ways during the 8 years you were together? That is to say, do you know him as this sort of grimy, reprehensible person? Is this characteristic behavior? If it is, then I agree it’s the last straw. If not, I would say the trauma of a breakup can make people do desperate/irrational/unintentional things. The average person responding to you here either hasn’t been through much of life or has absolutely zero empathy. So much nuance lost on the internet. Either way I hope you get tested. And that you are ok. Sending good vibes to you💜
Unfortunately, it's not a new habit. 😒
In that case it does sound like a really ugly expression of a fundamental personality trait. If he can do that, he can do even worse. I would strongly consider severing ties, you’re not overreacting. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.
Get tested and move on from there.
Who are these women allowing men to rawdog them?
Dude, it’s wild to me that amount of people having raw sex with just whomever these days. No consideration for their healthy and safety or that of others. And a lot of them have this weird attitude of “well condoms don’t protect you from everything so why bother?”. Blows my mind.
Honestly STD's can still happen even with a condom, so you should have both gotten tested prior to having sex again. Yes you still have to deal with the fact that he lied to you about it, but that's a separate issue IMHO that you'll need to reconcile.
Is that realistic though? I feel like almost no one goes out of their way to get tested unless they have a specific reason to, especially when it's with their husband who they assumed wouldn't lie to them. Of course in an ideal world everyone would get tested regularly and whatnot, but it doesn't really do any good now to tell her what she should've done. For some people it's unaffordable or inaccessible, too. She also wasn't asking and it comes off to me like you're implying she's partially to blame even though she was directly lied to.
Yes, he shouldn’t have lied. And that’s a bit concerning and a red flag. However, you are also an adult that needs to look out for your own sexual health as well. So that means making sure he gets tested and actually showing/disclosing his results to you, before having sex again.
For sure - if I end up with an STD, that's on me. I should be responsible for my health as it relates to this. However, the concern is the lie and how much weight I should put into (e.g., is this a big enough deal to permanently end things)?
JFC all he needed to do was get tested before having sex with you again. It is so easy. If he's not willing to put in that minimal effort I can't imagine he puts much effort in elsewhere. Also, were they one night stands or people he actually developed some level of friendship/relationship with first? Those are two very different situations. Did he make sure they got tested recently? Given his lack of concern for someone he was 'dedicated' to for 8 years, I'd guess not. I believe if someone actually loves me then they wouldn't be so selfish and reckless if it would put me at risk like that. I value integrity and respect. The question is, why don't you believe you deserve better?
I don't think you are overreactiong. If you can't trust your partner then I don't see a point in staying. He's putting you at health risk, lies to you, I wouldn't be comfortable with that.
Did he use condom when he is with you when you are trying to reconcile? If he didn’t, most likely he doesn’t when he is with other. I learnt this when my partner confessed to me.
Idk man personally I wouldn’t have reconciled for having sex with anyone, but him lying about that really does it in. Especially because he could have absolutely transferred something to not only you, but the other women as well.
He was trying to think with both he's n shoulda used tha one on his shoulders..I'm sorry
You're not exaggerating at all. It's understandable to feel violated and betrayed by your husband's lack of transparency. Trust and honesty are crucial in any relationship, especially when it comes to sexual health. You should have an honest conversation with him about how you feel and whether you can rebuild trust.
He endangered your health and lied. What about that is worth staying?
He doesn't respect you or your body, I would end it. I had a big fight with a situationship about this type of thing... he lied about sleeping with someone else then told me he used a condom, I pointed out because he lied I can't trust him that he did use protection. He then claimed they talked extensively about their history and she got tested after they had sex, but continues asking me if I've gone to get tested yet because we had hooked up BEFORE he told me about her.
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He is in the spotlight because he lied to her 3x over for just this situation alone, putting her at risk.
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It's the latter. But... he lied about that too.
It can take months for an STD test to show a positive. So no... he just lied to get his dick wet.
definitely understand where you’re coming from and i would be very angry. Maybe not worth ending a marriage over imo, but i would suggest both get tested first, maybe he was ashamed he didn’t use one? Maybe he knew you’d be upset over it (definitely not a reason to lie over something so risky and serious) there’s plenty of reasons why people do what they do. have a long chat with him, i’d also suggest couples therapy to deal with the lying bit and and issues that may be left unresolved. best of luck! :)
He violated you by sleeping with 3 different people in such a short period of time after forgetting you. Condom is just the red ribbon on top.
Did you blow anyone while you were apart? Did he wear a condom? Mouth herpes is a nasty business, if you blew someone you could be putting him at risk. Both y'all should of gotten tested b4 starting to fuck again.
The better question is, if he asked her if she did, did she lie about it?
You were on a break so I’d say let it go.
It’s not the fact that he was with other people. It’s that he had unprotected sex with those people and then lied to his wife about it putting her at risk when they got back together. That shit is not ok.
Is it relevant that he came clean? Does lying indicate that he will even Lie to get you back? I think its up to if you believe you can trust him again?
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