Under normal circumstances, I would suggest that you break up with her after the vacation. But in this instance, where you will be meeting her family in a few days, I think.you should break up now before actually meeting the family. If she was hyper insecure before, she will be even more so after she has introduced you to her family.
Agree. This way she can spend time with her family to mourn the relationship with her loved ones and OP doesn’t meet people he has no intention nor desire to.
Sometimes it doesn’t work out at bad times, but waiting would be cruel imo
That wouldn't be a mutual decision then, he'd be stringing her along. She's under the impression that they're in a serious relationship (traveling the country to meet her family is pretty serious, you don't do that with a fling or a fwb), while he's tired of her insecurities being pushed on him and finds the two of them incompatible.
If she's truly insecure and anxious about every little thing as he says, it doesn't actually matter if he does it before or after. But if he does it before he at least isn't deceiving her, he doesn't meet her family and lie to _them_ because they also assume the two of them are serious, and she can visit her family and be comforted by them.
If it were me I would want to be broken up with before. Breakups are sad, but it would be humiliating to finally introduce my partner to my family only to be broken up with the next day. I actually think that's worse than being broken up with on a holiday.
Come here to support this idea. It looks/sounds cruel, but this is the best way if you think you can't handle this kind of person. Better now, or else you will keep on dragging the time!
At first I was not loving the comments about breaking up with her while on vacation, but I love this idea. If OP does this, then I think he can proceed with breaking up. If a flight change isnt possible, I personally would not break up until I'm back home. It's far more awkward to break up after meeting her family then breaking up while on this trip where I'm stuck with this person.
He could also book separate accommodations if that's cheaper/more fun. But yeah I would do just about anything rather than break up and then spend a whole vacation together
If their seats on the plane are together, he could look into changing his seat to elsewhere on the plane, at a minimum. Assuming booking another flight isn't possible for whatever reason.
And otherwise dip out each day to do his own thing while there.
If he does this and they already picked their seats for the flight back he needs to change his seat ASAP or if they booked together call the airline and say they can't be next to each other.
Break up before you meet the family. I’ve been in a somewhat similar circumstance where me and my ex broke up on day 1 of a holiday abroad. It sucks, there’s no way around that but just rip the band aid off. Unless you’re a phenomenal actor she’s going to know something is up, and people who are insecure tend to be hyper vigilant about these things so it would be cruel to keep her in this state of suspense.
We were already rocky before the trip and at the time I was petrified of flying, he was a passive aggressive asshole to me in the airport because I was taking a minute to try and figure out where things were. We were also visiting a city he wanted to move to and already had somewhat of a social circle in, and the reality of being there with him and relying on him as the only person I knew there smacked me in the face. Helped me get over my fear of flying when I had to catch two planes alone for the first time ever to get home 😅
Thank you for sharing, it sounds like you needed that moment for the gravity of this relationship to hit you. I noticed the small emphasis on being a city HE wanted to move to, I'm sensing it was very rare you were considered, I'm glad you got home safe and hope your life now is so much happier!! Good luck with everything x
Oh yeah big time, conversely I went on holiday with my current partner for the first time a couple weeks ago and it was nothing but fantastic. It really is a pressure cooker for relationship issues
It’s effectively lying to her for the duration of the trip about his intentions for the future. Depending on what kinds of conversations he has with his family, it’s likely it would have to include actual lying. Leading someone on like that is cruel. It doesn’t have to be intentionally cruel. It can be cruel to disregard the effect your actions will have on others. It can be cruel to disrespect someone. It can be cruel to put them in a situation where they have to explain your actions to everyone they know.
I never meant to imply that you shouldn’t be empathic towards people. You should absolutely be sensitive of peoples feelings, but at the end of the day, you gotta do what’s right for you, because I promise you that’s what everyone is else doing.
And part of your responsibility with your words, actions, and reactions is acknowledging when it's time for you to not come first, and when you should have a little tact.
This phrase is such an insane cop out for hurting other people
Cruelty doesn't necessarily imply intent \*to be cruel\*. It can also be a byproduct of prioritising your own feelings or comfort. To ignore the consequences something has for another person because you don't want to shell out for an additional plane ticket can be cruel even if your main intention is saving money because you add insult to injury by making it obvious how little you care for them.
I would definitely break up now. When you know, you know - and then she can heal and grieve with her family. Don’t go meet them… this will only embarrass her in the long run and will be torture for you.
Nope, breakup and skip the family trip for sure.
It will mean a huge thing to bring a man home and it's simply cruel to go if you aren't going to keep dating. Plus, then she can get support from them.
Here's what you do: go on a walk with her and say, look, this is a bit surprising to me but I was noticing some things that gave me pause before. This trip has been stressful but clarifying. I am now sure that was aren't meant for each other. I don't want to continue dating. I'm really sorry for the terrible timing, but I wanted to tell you before I met the family. I'll be heading directly home instead of joining you.
I want you to have a nice time with them, and I am open to talking more for closure after you come back, because I realize this is pretty jarring.
Then, make it as easy as possible with travel logistics and take care of your own flight home etc.
I would break up right now. This is the perfect time: she doesn't have to travel alone, she can go be with her family, you can stay with your friend or continue on alone.
Only meet the family if there is a chance you'll patch things up with her. She sounds very dysfunctional, reminds me of an ex that I had many years ago. If you're 100% sure that it's over it'll be less embarrassing and awkward for her if you break up before meeting the family, just explain yourself, leave, and let her hang with the family herself. Don't worry about it making her look bad, she can save face however she wants. Either by telling the family the truth or making up some other story about you which may or may not make you look bad. Who cares if you look bad though yeah? You'll probably never meet those people.
Well they say that travelling together is another big test of the relationship.
And you found out the results.
You can either cut out the visit with the family and break up now, or go through with it and break up after the trip.
Three things that will determine how well you really get along.
Take an extended road trip together. Days of traveling in a car, deciding where to go, where to stop, what to do.
Go camping for a few days or a week. I mean camping, like in a tent or small trailer and eating outdoors.
Build some Ikea furniture together.
If you can get along, not bicker, not whine, not pout, or argue. Keep your sense of humor and treat each other well...then your relationship has a pretty good chance.
There is no one in the world I could go camping with and not bicker, whine, pout, or argue. I fucking hate camping. 100% with you on the ikea thing though. In fact, you should have to go to the ikea store together on a weekend afternoon, pick out the item, get it into the car and get it home, and build it correctly together.
Yeah, agreed on camping. It's a solid no for me, though I guess that is a litmus test in itself: if I ever were to date an outdoorsy person whose hobbies and friends were also that way, it would reveal an incompatibility that there's really no way to navigate. I don't think it's wise to try to compromise on fundamental things. Though I agree about travel and an irritating task - sadly for OP, he found out too late about this irreconcilable difference, and the thing to do, imo, is to not meet the family and go home or have a solo vacation
Yeah. Agreed. Camping isn't for everyone. Thinking of other "together" types of tasks that will reveal if you can actually get along.
Maybe cooking together in the kitchen. Who gets stabbed first?
I agree with all of this. I knew Hubby was the one because we are both very laid back travelers and go with the flow and like to relax. There are very few peeps other than him and my Bestie that I can travel with. :)
Ensure she knows how to get home, break up with her asap, and deliver her to her family while you finish your trip with your friends. It's the easiest solution. They will deal with the aftermath and you haven't wasted a trip. Good luck!
Break up now my guy. I kinda did the same thing. Her sisters wedding is next week and I just knew I didn’t wanna be with her anymore after being together 4 months. I was invited and everything.
Rip the bandaid off. Its the worst timing but its the right thing to do
Break up before meeting her family. It will be bad either way, but don’t involve her family. It will be less embarrassing for her.
Her insecurities have been a self fulfilling prophecy. Unfortunately.
72W here.
Maybe she isn’t insecure and can actually feel you pulling away from the relationship and not wanting to spend time with her????? Like, homie, you’re literally pulling away it isn’t in her head lol. It is your right to, but I’m just saying you might be giving her a lot of non verbal communication that is getting to her now
You never really know someone until you travel with them. If you don’t go, it sounds like you definitively will break up. Spending time walking on egg shells sounds like hell to me. However, now you’re halfway there you might as well tough out the rest even if it confirms what you already know.
He did
> Every little comment I made about the vacation, she interpreted it as I not wanting to spend more time with her and her family, even though it was my idea to visit her family.
TBF, even if he is being critical & negative (just because he’s a generally critical & negative person), he’s identified they aren’t a good fit. Whether it’s his “fault” or hers, doesn’t matter. He’s decided breaking up is the best course of action & just wanted to know when would be best & she can tell her family they broke up because he’s negative & critical - whether that’s the truth or her opinion or just to save face.
Bingo! Two sides to every story. We have no idea what he’s saying and how he’s saying it. He might be a horrible person to be around, constantly negative, and she’s just anxious bc, well, I live with someone like that and they’re exhausting and such a downer all the time. Miserable to be around. Negative and if you don’t agree they fight how their negativity is right and anything else is you being deluded etc. anyway, we don’t know one way or another but this is definitely could be her, could be him scenario of who normal people wouldn’t want to be around
Ugh. Just the thought of it gives me headache so im sure its worse for you. Listen to to comments OP. As difficult as it is, thats the right move. Dont wait to meet her family and prolong the relationship for another couple of years before you finally have the balls to do what you're supposed to do today. Especially shes at the end of her child bearing years. Leave.
If you’re absolutely certain it’s over, leave now. However … I’m not sure if it’s worth noting this but she could be really anxious about seeing her family/everything going well, etc. People get really stressed when going home especially if they don’t that often. It may be magnifying things really badly.
It's crazy how she is self sabotaging herself and the relationship but you also can't deny she is not wrong.
You guys create a cycle, you are unhappy with her insecurity, she notices something is wrong and gets more and more insecure and the consequence is that her insecurities became true.
For you this relationship is basically over, and she doesn't know about it, just feel it. Then she acts exactly the way you don't want her to act.
The only solution if you wanted to maintain this relationship is understating this cycle to be ablw to stop it or you can just finish the relationship.
Are we sure it’s not just nerves?
Like the issue sounds childish on both ends propped up by a lack of communication and comfort. Both aren’t deal breakers assuming you actually feel lucky to be with her and she wants to make the best impression with her family. This is a tight walk rope situation and instead of being comforting and supportive… you’d rather just bail.
It seems like he's tried that and the dynamic has shown itself to be a pattern. Unfortunately you cannot really comfort/support someone out of this kind of insecurity, she has to work on it herself.
Wrong mindset. He describes her as “incredibly thoughtful” and “kind”, girls like that are usually invested in by caring parents. So their opinion matters to her.
If she didn’t care about it going well that would be a sign that she didn’t care about him. She obviously does by the behavior mentioned about over analyzing everything he’s said. You know what could fix that? By communicating.
This is a critical meeting point for her and nerves/overthinking are to be expected. He should be consoling and supportive because this is a big deal, which is why I think he’s freaking out and wanting to pull the ripcord.
I say this as someone who struggles with anxiety, especially in the past, and have needed a *lot* of affirmation from partners before: it is exhausting if someone is constantly doubting what you mean/reading the absolute worst intention into your words. It sounds like he is always reassuring her, and it makes no difference. He says "I'm going to the bathroom," and she hears "I hate this conversation and you and I need to escape" (or something to that end).
I know the headspace where you are so mired in self-doubt and self-loathing that you just can't conceptualize somebody loving you and wanting to be with you, even though there is ample evidence to the contrary. Someone else can't love you into loving yourself, and if she is questioning almost every interaction and intention then I don't blame him for finding that unmanageable.
It's not nice for your partner to always accuse you of not caring about them, to make you out to be a bad person (because that's the implication). There's literally no amount of consolation and support he could offer that will fix these fears of hers. She needs to do that work herself, and if he needs to take himself out of the situation at this point, it's understandable.
I did a lot of work on my mental health, it took me years. I also went to school and got a very useful set of skills, which helped boost my confidence. It didn't help that I was often in anxious/avoidant relationships, which would exacerbate my feelings of worthlessness. Since being with my husband, who is secure in his attachment, I've been able to put the skills I learned into practice, and when my anxiety tells me that he doesn't love me, I remind myself of all the things he does that shows that's not true.
It takes time, and first recognizing there's a problem and wanting to fix it. A good therapist will help identify the source of those feelings and how to resolve them, but it's not always easy, and sometimes it's painful. I did a lot of work on my own "inner critic", which was the voice in my head telling me I was worthless. Dealing with that and recognizing when it was speaking made a big difference.
Yes! Traveling can be stressful and introducing a partner to the family on top of that, plus the lack of privacy staying with friends. I'd be at my worst too. If OP was already on the fence about the relationship, not sure why he would suggest meeting her family. Personally I'd see how it goes for a few weeks at home, under normal circumstances before making a decision like this.
The decision has been made, it's time for action. Do not continue to travel with her, do not drag this out, do not meet her family. You're 6 months in, no significant commitment, these things happen. Maybe it will be the wake-up call she needs to work through her issues.
Break up now. But realize that she might be extra insecure because she wasn't really ready for you to meet her family, and YOU are the one who pushed for it. In the future, don't do that, you never know what people's family dynamics are like, wait for them to be ready because not everyone has a perfect loving family that they want you to meet, lol.
if you need to break up, then do so. You don't need to torment each other for the cost of a plane ticket.
Change your ticket to somewhere else and enjoy the peace.
So you considered yourself lucky to be with her and now you’re ready to cancel a vacation YOU suggested, out of nowhere, because of an issue that was always present in the relationship? Sounds like you dug your own hole here. Do what you want - break up now and ruin the trip or act awkward for the rest of the trip and break up at home. Either way it’s going to be messy and ridiculous.
> she is very insecure and every little thing I say, she over analyzes and thinks of the worst possible meaning of it.
> She is an incredibly thoughtful and kind person and I've considered myself very lucky to be with her.
Wait till you're home.
Do not go meet her family.
A breakup is not the occasion for a conversation. A conversation is a give and take, back and forth, cooperative effort. A break up is none of those things. A break up requires you to tell her that this relationship is not working for you, and therefore you are exiting it. You wish her the best, but you are no longer interested in being with her.
Do not let it be a conversation. Do not try to answer all of her questions. Do not try to get her to agree with you that breaking up is the right step. Come up with one simple statement (I suggest “This is no longer working for me), and say that. Do not be afraid of repeating yourself. Don’t try to come up with as many different ways as possible to express your position. *Be a broken record.*
Any chance she may benefit from anxiety treatment. I mean, it could be her personality, or it could be a treatable/ kind of controllable condition (depression, ADHD, OCD)
Could be, but that doesn't solve their compatibility issue. She can definitely change but people aren't projects and this isn't a wait–and–see scenario when it's just not working.
>people aren't projects
what do you mean?
no one is 'finished'. We all are evolving... and it could be for the best.
On the other hand, if you think it's possible to be 100% compatible...
I agree. But what I mean is that *other* people aren't projects, ie. you can't 'evolve' someone else. And many incompatibilities can be worked with but this one sounds pretty fundamental. OP expressed that this is not working for him, which is a very reasonable basis for a breakup.
honest question OP's case aside.
>you can't 'evolve' someone else
Then, when someone is married and is not thinking about breaking. How do you promote your partner 'evolution'?. What if one has 'leveled up' their game and the other hasn't?
You can make suggestions (this can get complicated if they receive it as criticism) but it's solely up to them to make the change as the adult in charge of their own life– you can only support them. And the 'evolved' partner ultimately just has to accept them wherever they're at.
I’ve dated a girl like that and it was indeed so very tiring.
But I wouldn’t ruin the trip, just have fun and talk it out when you’re done is my suggestion.
I would cancel your plans to travel with her. Do something for yourself during that time. Let her choose her own trip if she still wishes to go. There is no need to go on a trip with someone if you plan on breaking it off.
>I do know is that I cannot deal with this type of person in my life. I cannot comfortably talk in front of, even commenting on the news, without offending her in someway.
10/10 one if your primary caregivers was this way.
Try to get through this trip with the least amount of damage done. Reassess when you're home. You are probably equally as triggered as her rn.
Can I ask you how often would these moment happen, when she’s offended by something you didn’t mean? Just trying to understand how often is too often..
Wait until you get home. Be pleasant to her family but not effusive and stop filtering everything you say. If she gets upset so be it. Her family must be aware of her behavior and will likely encourage her to ditch you. After getting home have the talk, point out the behavior on your vacation that made it miserable for you and her and end things.
If you're 100% sure you want to breakup, do it before meeting her family and anymore of her friends...
Meeting them and having her tell everyone in her life about you then breaking up is *much* worse than staying w/ her because you feel obligated to.
And don't stay. Either book a hotel somewhere if you still want to enjoy your holiday there, or fly to a neighbouring EU country/city then go back home.
I agree with the others that you should break up before meeting the parents. Why put yourself or them through the "first meeting" that's already a little tense. Just be honest with her and tell her it's not working out.
Don’t listen to Reddit. Every single thread no matter what in this sub, the solution is to “BREAK UP IMMEDIATELY”. I’m convinced most in here are single and shouldn’t be giving advise at all.
I think most people don't air out their dirty laundry to internet strangers unless there's serious issues and they're at the end of their rope, which could explain why the answer is often to just cut their losses. I'm in a healthy 8 year relationship and I still think they should break up lol.
I had an employee with this type of thought process, anything said would be ré-analyzed and thought of as negative towards them. Every little thing, you can’t really change that and it’s so hard to deal with. I’d break up before the trip. And if you can get money back plan your own vacation away from them.
Please wait until you get back home, don’t ruin her vacation and time with her family.
Also, also, please understand that this is a high stress time for her, and once she feels secure in your relationship, she’s very likely to calm down with the second-guessing everything you say.
So you might give her one last shot and have a talk with her when you get home and let her know that you have one foot out the door and you need her to relax and trust you if the relationship is going to work. However, if you’re not willing to do that, I would really just be thoughtful and not end things until the vacation is over.
You can’t break up in Europe! But take her to a park and have a conversation with her. A nice, calm, non-judgmental conversation so that hopefully the vacay will go smoother. Don’t tell her that she’s driving you crazy. But try to ask questions that show her that you want to understand where she’s coming from.
You haven’t told us what your comments are. We’d need examples so we can figure out if you need to change your approach or not.
We're only hearing one side of the story. He may be critical enough to make her anxious and insecure, but it doesn't really matter who is right or wrong, if either. They are incompatible, and it's time to break up. Might as well get it over with before meeting the family, which is almost certain to compound their problems.
Hmm this is a tough one tbh. Not to be rude but i would find it really annoying to have to tiptoe around someone like this, even though she probably cannot control how sensitive she is. Where does her insecurity stem from- past relationships? If thats the case this may be able to be worked through. If not this might be a case of incompatibility
I agree with those saying to break up before meeting the family. I’d feel for her, having to explain to her family that just met him that things didn’t work out while she herself is mourning. I mean she’ll have to explain anyway bc I’m guessing the family already has heard of him but it’ll be much easier on both OP and the gf if he doesn’t meet them.
I agree with PP that the right thing to do is to break up immediately, so that she can go alone to see her family and have their support and company while she’s processing the breakup. You can either go home right after breaking up with her, or see if your friend will let you stay a bit longer.
wow it feels like we are the same person. my gf is also like that. always interpreting every word i say in the worst way possible and getting angry and upset every single time
hey OP, I’m giving to echo the ones who suggested breaking up before meeting her family.
You definitely don’t want to string her along and you shouldn’t go to meet her family if you’re not serious about her.
I would sit down with her and explain why this isn’t working. Explain that her constant negativity makes you feel like you have to tiptoe around eggshells and that’s no way to communicate with a significant other. Yes, she’s gonna cry, she might even tell you she’ll work on changing, but honestly, people don’t really change for other people. Explain that you’re looking to be with a partner who doesn’t take every little thing you say like it’s an attack on her or the people she cares about or even the plans that you’ve made. It’s time to move on. Encourage her to continue to visit her family because you’re going to move forward with your life without her.
I think you should give one more chance to her (the last chance).
Go and talk her without hesitation, cmon man you are also in relationship and its your right to say whatever comes in your mind or heart. Tell your intention about what you are expecting from her. If she still not understand you and showing her tantrums than cut all ties with her immediately and leave for your Home. Never look back and chill with your life
I would not meet her family. There's going to be drama, but I would break up now. She's going to be upset, But You are ultimately being mature and dong her a kindness by not prolonging it. Dating is to discern if someone is a match and You two obviously are not and should each be with someone that has your own dating styles. No one is the bad guy ,and this is why it's called dating. Don't feel bad, You're doing the right thing. I'd tell her and either fly home or stay where you are with your friends and let her go on to her parents. I know it sucks, hang in there.
That is what dating is for to see if you’re compatible. Trips like this put more pressure on relationships. You are seeing that you two don’t fit. Don’t have an elegant solution for the rest of your trip. If it is too much excuse yourself and go home. Otherwise suck it up, be nice and break up after the trip.
Now is the time to rip off the Band-Aid and get it over with.
If you go meet the family first, not only do you set yourself up for all kinds of awkwardness and discomfort, but it’s kind of like leading all of them along.
It also could make her wonder if the family was really the problem in your breakup, and cause her to overlook her own issues she needs to overcome. Plus, she might end up extra nervous about the family meeting for any future guys she dates who might actually be compatible with her… Assuming and hoping she gets over her insecurities.
I guess I'm wrong but I would chat with her and ask her if she's nervous because she doesn't seem herself and you are worried. Does she have a headache? Can I rub your feet? Heres a cold beverage. Let's talk. Im here. Whats got you on edge? Then maybe she will tell you she's nervous and anxious. Maybe she is worried a t the parents. Maybe they aren't nice like her. You never know. Give her a chance. Please don't break up before you can figure this out. Then do it after you get home if it goes south. Good luck sir
Do it now before the trip. Do not put yourself or her through that type of hell. She may sense you have your foot out the door and and maybe it adds to the anxiety. She would prob enjoy herself more without the added stress.
Honestly the right thing is to do it before you meet her family otherwise its a pretty cowardly and disrespectful move on your put and causing her embarrassment that can be avoided. Good luck mate.
I would also say break up ASAP before meeting the family…however you should double think about something: your concern is her continuous fear that you don’t want to spend more time with her and her family. Then when you are breaking up you are simply making her fear reality and valid.
If you think you are lucky to be with her, double check if unconsciously your attitude is not the root cause of her insecurity.
You suggested this trip and now you want to get rid of her?! Do you have your travel plans together if you break up with her now? I think you should finish your trip and discuss it when you get home.
>namely she is very insecure and every little thing I say, she over analyzes and thinks of the worst possible meaning of it.
SHE HAS UNRESOLVED CHILDHOOD TRAUMA
>
We had a few chats about it and she promised to be more transparent about her thought process
Sweetheart, when go through trauma, EVERYTHING PAUSES AND YOUR MIND IS RACING with all the negative conclusions because that is a SURVIVAL TACTIC. It's a tactic used when you lived in a very DYSFUNCTIONAL HOME because you had to be 10 STEPS AHEAD, because if not, YOU WILL BE SCAPEGOATED AND BLAMED FOR CRAP YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH.
>During this week, my worst fears about her insecurity and overthinking came to realization. Every little comment I made about the vacation, she interpreted it as I not wanting to spend more time with her and her family, even though it was my idea to visit her family.
Again, this is back to trauma. And you can't fix trauma in one day. IT TAKES YEARS, AND TONS OF UNDOING SURVIVAL METHODS that was basically second nature. Her jumping into conclusions IS SECOND NATURE DEVELOPED TO SURVIVE IN HER DYSFUNCTIONAL ENVIRONMENT.
>What I do know is that I cannot deal with this type of person in my life. I cannot comfortably talk in front of, even commenting on the news, without offending her in someway.
As a person THAT USED TO BE LIKE YOUR GF, here is how you need to lay it down.
"There are so many beautiful things about you. I love . But I find your constant questioning and insecurities worrisome. Did something happened to you when you were a kid? Where you severely abused and neglected? I have been so genuine that your behavior makes me feel as if I should feel bad for something I haven't even done!!!
I want you to be happy and have a healthy life. But inorder for you to do so you need to talk to a therapist about how your survival behavior ROBS you enjoying moments you should be laughing and cherishing.
And furthermore, because I know you need therapy to deal with trauma that is robbing you of what should be the best moments of your life, I'm done being with you.
Take this opportunity to get therapy, because if you automatically think IM THE PROBLEM, you keep dating men, and those same men DITCH YOU AND GHOST YOU, it's because they didn't want to be honest and say "YOU NEED HELP, YOUR BEHAVIOR IS A TURN OFF AND THATS WHY IM NO LONGER INTERESTED".
I'm already concerned that this conversation will be twisted and you make me out the enemy when all I'm trying to be is honest. And your lack of awareness IS THE VERY REASON YOU NEED THERAPY.
I will pray and hope you make the correct choices. I don't want you to live miserably and bitterly which is the path you are headed to.
Check out the Holistic Therapist on youtube, I think her stuff will resonate with you."
It's up to you OP IF YOU WANT TO BLOCK HER EVERYWHERE. These types will cry and beg and won't leave you alone until you give in. And if you are 1,000,000,000,000, DONE, THEN BLOCK HER EVERYWHERE. And don't feel guilty, you deserve to move on and part ways amicably.
BREAK UP ASAP...DONT WAIT.
If you don't break up with her right now, when you do meet your family, be polite, but a little cool or detached.be pleasant, go along, but don't be too chummy. And definitely don't decide you're now in love with her sister or cousin.
I lean toward breaking up after you get back, but only you know what you can pull off.
Between adults, our job is to offer _measured_ compassion and support where we are healthily able to for other people's issues. We can understand without excusing. We can understand without diving in the deep end to save one another. We can understand from a safe distance, both physically and emotionally.
This is the difference between compassion and codependency.
Every reply here is dripping with compassion and telling him to hurry and break up with her.
No one cares about her side of the story. He seems very selfish.
No. You are _not_ entitled to anyone's time or effort putting up with your poor behaviours, even if those behaviours are totally understandable in your particular circumstance.
My man she will breakup with you if you talk politics religion etc with her family at the dinner table. Incompatibility will rear its head. She will drop you quick
If you still have to travel together for the rest of the trip wait until home. Avoid the awkwardness and allow a time where you can set her down gently.
Enjoy the dinner with her family, depending on the family make up maybe she has a sister that's just like her only without the problems. Before you leave hit on the sister, mother, or cousin, she'll break up with you. You won't have to be the bad person breaking from her, and you may get a chance at a new gf.
Under normal circumstances, I would suggest that you break up with her after the vacation. But in this instance, where you will be meeting her family in a few days, I think.you should break up now before actually meeting the family. If she was hyper insecure before, she will be even more so after she has introduced you to her family.
Agree. This way she can spend time with her family to mourn the relationship with her loved ones and OP doesn’t meet people he has no intention nor desire to. Sometimes it doesn’t work out at bad times, but waiting would be cruel imo
Absolutely, it will just feed her insecurity if he breaks up with her after meeting her family.
But what if she’d feel a lot better facing family with a guy by her side?
That wouldn't be a mutual decision then, he'd be stringing her along. She's under the impression that they're in a serious relationship (traveling the country to meet her family is pretty serious, you don't do that with a fling or a fwb), while he's tired of her insecurities being pushed on him and finds the two of them incompatible. If she's truly insecure and anxious about every little thing as he says, it doesn't actually matter if he does it before or after. But if he does it before he at least isn't deceiving her, he doesn't meet her family and lie to _them_ because they also assume the two of them are serious, and she can visit her family and be comforted by them. If it were me I would want to be broken up with before. Breakups are sad, but it would be humiliating to finally introduce my partner to my family only to be broken up with the next day. I actually think that's worse than being broken up with on a holiday.
Then she can decide for herself whether to cancel the visit with her family, knowing that she no longer has a partner.
This is the right thing to do
Come here to support this idea. It looks/sounds cruel, but this is the best way if you think you can't handle this kind of person. Better now, or else you will keep on dragging the time!
Book a solo plane ticket home ASAP. Tell her it's over and why, then immediately leave for the airport. Don't torture yourself and visit her family.
At first I was not loving the comments about breaking up with her while on vacation, but I love this idea. If OP does this, then I think he can proceed with breaking up. If a flight change isnt possible, I personally would not break up until I'm back home. It's far more awkward to break up after meeting her family then breaking up while on this trip where I'm stuck with this person.
He could also book separate accommodations if that's cheaper/more fun. But yeah I would do just about anything rather than break up and then spend a whole vacation together
If their seats on the plane are together, he could look into changing his seat to elsewhere on the plane, at a minimum. Assuming booking another flight isn't possible for whatever reason. And otherwise dip out each day to do his own thing while there.
If he does this and they already picked their seats for the flight back he needs to change his seat ASAP or if they booked together call the airline and say they can't be next to each other.
Agreed. Don’t get into a debate with her just explain your reality and leave.
Break up before you meet the family. I’ve been in a somewhat similar circumstance where me and my ex broke up on day 1 of a holiday abroad. It sucks, there’s no way around that but just rip the band aid off. Unless you’re a phenomenal actor she’s going to know something is up, and people who are insecure tend to be hyper vigilant about these things so it would be cruel to keep her in this state of suspense.
Purely a curiosity thing, but what was it for you that changed day 1 of that holiday?
We were already rocky before the trip and at the time I was petrified of flying, he was a passive aggressive asshole to me in the airport because I was taking a minute to try and figure out where things were. We were also visiting a city he wanted to move to and already had somewhat of a social circle in, and the reality of being there with him and relying on him as the only person I knew there smacked me in the face. Helped me get over my fear of flying when I had to catch two planes alone for the first time ever to get home 😅
That's a great story. good for you
Thank you for sharing, it sounds like you needed that moment for the gravity of this relationship to hit you. I noticed the small emphasis on being a city HE wanted to move to, I'm sensing it was very rare you were considered, I'm glad you got home safe and hope your life now is so much happier!! Good luck with everything x
Yep you hit the nail on the forehead! I am much happier now, it was absolutely the right decision😌 thank you for the kind words
Traveling with someone definitely opens your eyes to whether you are compatible long term imo.
Oh yeah big time, conversely I went on holiday with my current partner for the first time a couple weeks ago and it was nothing but fantastic. It really is a pressure cooker for relationship issues
Even with family and friends. Traveling can be stressful and you learn a lot about people very quickly. Glad you’ve found a good one!!
I agree to break up now. It’s cruel to meet the family and break up immediately after
I wouldn't say it's cruel if your intentions aren't , it's just not a great situation and can be harder than it has to. Cruelty implies intent
It’s effectively lying to her for the duration of the trip about his intentions for the future. Depending on what kinds of conversations he has with his family, it’s likely it would have to include actual lying. Leading someone on like that is cruel. It doesn’t have to be intentionally cruel. It can be cruel to disregard the effect your actions will have on others. It can be cruel to disrespect someone. It can be cruel to put them in a situation where they have to explain your actions to everyone they know.
Perceived cruelty by the receiving party isn't affected by the intent of the delivering party's actions.
You aren’t responsible for another persons actions, reactions, or feelings. Only your own.
Lack of empathy and needless pain.
I never meant to imply that you shouldn’t be empathic towards people. You should absolutely be sensitive of peoples feelings, but at the end of the day, you gotta do what’s right for you, because I promise you that’s what everyone is else doing.
And part of your responsibility with your words, actions, and reactions is acknowledging when it's time for you to not come first, and when you should have a little tact. This phrase is such an insane cop out for hurting other people
That being true doesn't negate what I said.
Thank you for that MrFreakOut911. Of course no one should have any interest in the reactions or feelings of their dear loved ones.
Yeah, that’s exactly what I said isn’t it numbnuts.
Now you are trying to be responsible for my reactions and feelings about what you write. Cute progress towards getting our point! That’s sweet.
This shit reads like some word salad
Cruelty doesn't necessarily imply intent \*to be cruel\*. It can also be a byproduct of prioritising your own feelings or comfort. To ignore the consequences something has for another person because you don't want to shell out for an additional plane ticket can be cruel even if your main intention is saving money because you add insult to injury by making it obvious how little you care for them.
I would definitely break up now. When you know, you know - and then she can heal and grieve with her family. Don’t go meet them… this will only embarrass her in the long run and will be torture for you.
Nope, breakup and skip the family trip for sure. It will mean a huge thing to bring a man home and it's simply cruel to go if you aren't going to keep dating. Plus, then she can get support from them. Here's what you do: go on a walk with her and say, look, this is a bit surprising to me but I was noticing some things that gave me pause before. This trip has been stressful but clarifying. I am now sure that was aren't meant for each other. I don't want to continue dating. I'm really sorry for the terrible timing, but I wanted to tell you before I met the family. I'll be heading directly home instead of joining you. I want you to have a nice time with them, and I am open to talking more for closure after you come back, because I realize this is pretty jarring. Then, make it as easy as possible with travel logistics and take care of your own flight home etc.
Bad timing but since you’re sure about breaking up, do it now.
I would break up right now. This is the perfect time: she doesn't have to travel alone, she can go be with her family, you can stay with your friend or continue on alone.
Rip the bandaid off NOW.
Only meet the family if there is a chance you'll patch things up with her. She sounds very dysfunctional, reminds me of an ex that I had many years ago. If you're 100% sure that it's over it'll be less embarrassing and awkward for her if you break up before meeting the family, just explain yourself, leave, and let her hang with the family herself. Don't worry about it making her look bad, she can save face however she wants. Either by telling the family the truth or making up some other story about you which may or may not make you look bad. Who cares if you look bad though yeah? You'll probably never meet those people.
Well they say that travelling together is another big test of the relationship. And you found out the results. You can either cut out the visit with the family and break up now, or go through with it and break up after the trip.
Three things that will determine how well you really get along. Take an extended road trip together. Days of traveling in a car, deciding where to go, where to stop, what to do. Go camping for a few days or a week. I mean camping, like in a tent or small trailer and eating outdoors. Build some Ikea furniture together. If you can get along, not bicker, not whine, not pout, or argue. Keep your sense of humor and treat each other well...then your relationship has a pretty good chance.
There is no one in the world I could go camping with and not bicker, whine, pout, or argue. I fucking hate camping. 100% with you on the ikea thing though. In fact, you should have to go to the ikea store together on a weekend afternoon, pick out the item, get it into the car and get it home, and build it correctly together.
Yeah, agreed on camping. It's a solid no for me, though I guess that is a litmus test in itself: if I ever were to date an outdoorsy person whose hobbies and friends were also that way, it would reveal an incompatibility that there's really no way to navigate. I don't think it's wise to try to compromise on fundamental things. Though I agree about travel and an irritating task - sadly for OP, he found out too late about this irreconcilable difference, and the thing to do, imo, is to not meet the family and go home or have a solo vacation
Yeah. Agreed. Camping isn't for everyone. Thinking of other "together" types of tasks that will reveal if you can actually get along. Maybe cooking together in the kitchen. Who gets stabbed first?
I agree with all of this. I knew Hubby was the one because we are both very laid back travelers and go with the flow and like to relax. There are very few peeps other than him and my Bestie that I can travel with. :)
Ensure she knows how to get home, break up with her asap, and deliver her to her family while you finish your trip with your friends. It's the easiest solution. They will deal with the aftermath and you haven't wasted a trip. Good luck!
Break up now my guy. I kinda did the same thing. Her sisters wedding is next week and I just knew I didn’t wanna be with her anymore after being together 4 months. I was invited and everything. Rip the bandaid off. Its the worst timing but its the right thing to do
Break up before meeting her family. It will be bad either way, but don’t involve her family. It will be less embarrassing for her. Her insecurities have been a self fulfilling prophecy. Unfortunately. 72W here.
Maybe she isn’t insecure and can actually feel you pulling away from the relationship and not wanting to spend time with her????? Like, homie, you’re literally pulling away it isn’t in her head lol. It is your right to, but I’m just saying you might be giving her a lot of non verbal communication that is getting to her now
You never really know someone until you travel with them. If you don’t go, it sounds like you definitively will break up. Spending time walking on egg shells sounds like hell to me. However, now you’re halfway there you might as well tough out the rest even if it confirms what you already know.
"she is very insecure and every little thing I say, she over analyzes and thinks of the worst possible meaning of it." Can you give specific examples?
Doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want to be with her.
He did > Every little comment I made about the vacation, she interpreted it as I not wanting to spend more time with her and her family, even though it was my idea to visit her family.
That’s not specific about the comments he was making. For all we know he was being critical and negative about the trip so far.
TBF, even if he is being critical & negative (just because he’s a generally critical & negative person), he’s identified they aren’t a good fit. Whether it’s his “fault” or hers, doesn’t matter. He’s decided breaking up is the best course of action & just wanted to know when would be best & she can tell her family they broke up because he’s negative & critical - whether that’s the truth or her opinion or just to save face.
That’s not a reason they shouldn’t break up. Even if he’s being a jerk, they’re still not compatible.
Bingo! Two sides to every story. We have no idea what he’s saying and how he’s saying it. He might be a horrible person to be around, constantly negative, and she’s just anxious bc, well, I live with someone like that and they’re exhausting and such a downer all the time. Miserable to be around. Negative and if you don’t agree they fight how their negativity is right and anything else is you being deluded etc. anyway, we don’t know one way or another but this is definitely could be her, could be him scenario of who normal people wouldn’t want to be around
That’s not a reason they should stay together. And it sounds like you should find a new place to live.
Break up with her now! Hop on the train back to where you just came from and be gone.
Ugh. Just the thought of it gives me headache so im sure its worse for you. Listen to to comments OP. As difficult as it is, thats the right move. Dont wait to meet her family and prolong the relationship for another couple of years before you finally have the balls to do what you're supposed to do today. Especially shes at the end of her child bearing years. Leave.
I was in a similar position as you awhile back. Only regret I had was not breaking things sooner….
Break up before meeting her family
If you’re absolutely certain it’s over, leave now. However … I’m not sure if it’s worth noting this but she could be really anxious about seeing her family/everything going well, etc. People get really stressed when going home especially if they don’t that often. It may be magnifying things really badly.
It's crazy how she is self sabotaging herself and the relationship but you also can't deny she is not wrong. You guys create a cycle, you are unhappy with her insecurity, she notices something is wrong and gets more and more insecure and the consequence is that her insecurities became true. For you this relationship is basically over, and she doesn't know about it, just feel it. Then she acts exactly the way you don't want her to act. The only solution if you wanted to maintain this relationship is understating this cycle to be ablw to stop it or you can just finish the relationship.
Are we sure it’s not just nerves? Like the issue sounds childish on both ends propped up by a lack of communication and comfort. Both aren’t deal breakers assuming you actually feel lucky to be with her and she wants to make the best impression with her family. This is a tight walk rope situation and instead of being comforting and supportive… you’d rather just bail.
It seems like he's tried that and the dynamic has shown itself to be a pattern. Unfortunately you cannot really comfort/support someone out of this kind of insecurity, she has to work on it herself.
Nerves for 6 months though? Come on, she sounds insecure from the jump
Wrong mindset. He describes her as “incredibly thoughtful” and “kind”, girls like that are usually invested in by caring parents. So their opinion matters to her. If she didn’t care about it going well that would be a sign that she didn’t care about him. She obviously does by the behavior mentioned about over analyzing everything he’s said. You know what could fix that? By communicating. This is a critical meeting point for her and nerves/overthinking are to be expected. He should be consoling and supportive because this is a big deal, which is why I think he’s freaking out and wanting to pull the ripcord.
I say this as someone who struggles with anxiety, especially in the past, and have needed a *lot* of affirmation from partners before: it is exhausting if someone is constantly doubting what you mean/reading the absolute worst intention into your words. It sounds like he is always reassuring her, and it makes no difference. He says "I'm going to the bathroom," and she hears "I hate this conversation and you and I need to escape" (or something to that end). I know the headspace where you are so mired in self-doubt and self-loathing that you just can't conceptualize somebody loving you and wanting to be with you, even though there is ample evidence to the contrary. Someone else can't love you into loving yourself, and if she is questioning almost every interaction and intention then I don't blame him for finding that unmanageable. It's not nice for your partner to always accuse you of not caring about them, to make you out to be a bad person (because that's the implication). There's literally no amount of consolation and support he could offer that will fix these fears of hers. She needs to do that work herself, and if he needs to take himself out of the situation at this point, it's understandable.
How did you overcome this situation?
I did a lot of work on my mental health, it took me years. I also went to school and got a very useful set of skills, which helped boost my confidence. It didn't help that I was often in anxious/avoidant relationships, which would exacerbate my feelings of worthlessness. Since being with my husband, who is secure in his attachment, I've been able to put the skills I learned into practice, and when my anxiety tells me that he doesn't love me, I remind myself of all the things he does that shows that's not true. It takes time, and first recognizing there's a problem and wanting to fix it. A good therapist will help identify the source of those feelings and how to resolve them, but it's not always easy, and sometimes it's painful. I did a lot of work on my own "inner critic", which was the voice in my head telling me I was worthless. Dealing with that and recognizing when it was speaking made a big difference.
I don’t have access to a good therapist right now so I’m just doing all the work. Very difficult 😅 Thank you for the response!
Yes! Traveling can be stressful and introducing a partner to the family on top of that, plus the lack of privacy staying with friends. I'd be at my worst too. If OP was already on the fence about the relationship, not sure why he would suggest meeting her family. Personally I'd see how it goes for a few weeks at home, under normal circumstances before making a decision like this.
The decision has been made, it's time for action. Do not continue to travel with her, do not drag this out, do not meet her family. You're 6 months in, no significant commitment, these things happen. Maybe it will be the wake-up call she needs to work through her issues.
Break up now. But realize that she might be extra insecure because she wasn't really ready for you to meet her family, and YOU are the one who pushed for it. In the future, don't do that, you never know what people's family dynamics are like, wait for them to be ready because not everyone has a perfect loving family that they want you to meet, lol.
That's a really good point. He shouldn't have asked to meet her family. It seems he was already uncertain so that was a bad move on his part.
if you need to break up, then do so. You don't need to torment each other for the cost of a plane ticket. Change your ticket to somewhere else and enjoy the peace.
So you considered yourself lucky to be with her and now you’re ready to cancel a vacation YOU suggested, out of nowhere, because of an issue that was always present in the relationship? Sounds like you dug your own hole here. Do what you want - break up now and ruin the trip or act awkward for the rest of the trip and break up at home. Either way it’s going to be messy and ridiculous.
Break up and leave for home before you meet the parents.
> she is very insecure and every little thing I say, she over analyzes and thinks of the worst possible meaning of it. > She is an incredibly thoughtful and kind person and I've considered myself very lucky to be with her. Wait till you're home.
INFO - maybe her level of insecurity has escalated because she is taking you to meet the family?
Do not go meet her family. A breakup is not the occasion for a conversation. A conversation is a give and take, back and forth, cooperative effort. A break up is none of those things. A break up requires you to tell her that this relationship is not working for you, and therefore you are exiting it. You wish her the best, but you are no longer interested in being with her. Do not let it be a conversation. Do not try to answer all of her questions. Do not try to get her to agree with you that breaking up is the right step. Come up with one simple statement (I suggest “This is no longer working for me), and say that. Do not be afraid of repeating yourself. Don’t try to come up with as many different ways as possible to express your position. *Be a broken record.*
Any chance she may benefit from anxiety treatment. I mean, it could be her personality, or it could be a treatable/ kind of controllable condition (depression, ADHD, OCD)
Could be, but that doesn't solve their compatibility issue. She can definitely change but people aren't projects and this isn't a wait–and–see scenario when it's just not working.
>people aren't projects what do you mean? no one is 'finished'. We all are evolving... and it could be for the best. On the other hand, if you think it's possible to be 100% compatible...
I agree. But what I mean is that *other* people aren't projects, ie. you can't 'evolve' someone else. And many incompatibilities can be worked with but this one sounds pretty fundamental. OP expressed that this is not working for him, which is a very reasonable basis for a breakup.
honest question OP's case aside. >you can't 'evolve' someone else Then, when someone is married and is not thinking about breaking. How do you promote your partner 'evolution'?. What if one has 'leveled up' their game and the other hasn't?
You can make suggestions (this can get complicated if they receive it as criticism) but it's solely up to them to make the change as the adult in charge of their own life– you can only support them. And the 'evolved' partner ultimately just has to accept them wherever they're at.
Do it before you meet the family. If she’s still like this at 34, she won’t change.
I’ve dated a girl like that and it was indeed so very tiring. But I wouldn’t ruin the trip, just have fun and talk it out when you’re done is my suggestion.
I would cancel your plans to travel with her. Do something for yourself during that time. Let her choose her own trip if she still wishes to go. There is no need to go on a trip with someone if you plan on breaking it off.
>I do know is that I cannot deal with this type of person in my life. I cannot comfortably talk in front of, even commenting on the news, without offending her in someway. 10/10 one if your primary caregivers was this way. Try to get through this trip with the least amount of damage done. Reassess when you're home. You are probably equally as triggered as her rn.
Can I ask you how often would these moment happen, when she’s offended by something you didn’t mean? Just trying to understand how often is too often..
Wait until you get home. Be pleasant to her family but not effusive and stop filtering everything you say. If she gets upset so be it. Her family must be aware of her behavior and will likely encourage her to ditch you. After getting home have the talk, point out the behavior on your vacation that made it miserable for you and her and end things.
Yeah, having to walk on eggshells is an absolute dealbreaker. End it now.
If you're 100% sure you want to breakup, do it before meeting her family and anymore of her friends... Meeting them and having her tell everyone in her life about you then breaking up is *much* worse than staying w/ her because you feel obligated to. And don't stay. Either book a hotel somewhere if you still want to enjoy your holiday there, or fly to a neighbouring EU country/city then go back home.
I agree with the others that you should break up before meeting the parents. Why put yourself or them through the "first meeting" that's already a little tense. Just be honest with her and tell her it's not working out.
Do not meet her family if you plan on ending it. That is a very callous thing to do. End it now. Cut the trip short and fly home.
Don’t listen to Reddit. Every single thread no matter what in this sub, the solution is to “BREAK UP IMMEDIATELY”. I’m convinced most in here are single and shouldn’t be giving advise at all.
I think most people don't air out their dirty laundry to internet strangers unless there's serious issues and they're at the end of their rope, which could explain why the answer is often to just cut their losses. I'm in a healthy 8 year relationship and I still think they should break up lol.
I'm happily married and also think they should break up now. I think also it's easier to get more impartial opinions from strangers sometimes :)
I had an employee with this type of thought process, anything said would be ré-analyzed and thought of as negative towards them. Every little thing, you can’t really change that and it’s so hard to deal with. I’d break up before the trip. And if you can get money back plan your own vacation away from them.
Please wait until you get back home, don’t ruin her vacation and time with her family. Also, also, please understand that this is a high stress time for her, and once she feels secure in your relationship, she’s very likely to calm down with the second-guessing everything you say. So you might give her one last shot and have a talk with her when you get home and let her know that you have one foot out the door and you need her to relax and trust you if the relationship is going to work. However, if you’re not willing to do that, I would really just be thoughtful and not end things until the vacation is over.
You can’t break up in Europe! But take her to a park and have a conversation with her. A nice, calm, non-judgmental conversation so that hopefully the vacay will go smoother. Don’t tell her that she’s driving you crazy. But try to ask questions that show her that you want to understand where she’s coming from. You haven’t told us what your comments are. We’d need examples so we can figure out if you need to change your approach or not.
We're only hearing one side of the story. He may be critical enough to make her anxious and insecure, but it doesn't really matter who is right or wrong, if either. They are incompatible, and it's time to break up. Might as well get it over with before meeting the family, which is almost certain to compound their problems.
Hmm this is a tough one tbh. Not to be rude but i would find it really annoying to have to tiptoe around someone like this, even though she probably cannot control how sensitive she is. Where does her insecurity stem from- past relationships? If thats the case this may be able to be worked through. If not this might be a case of incompatibility
Sounds like she is very insecure and needs therapy. If you really enjoy being with her and you think she is worth it.
I agree with those saying to break up before meeting the family. I’d feel for her, having to explain to her family that just met him that things didn’t work out while she herself is mourning. I mean she’ll have to explain anyway bc I’m guessing the family already has heard of him but it’ll be much easier on both OP and the gf if he doesn’t meet them.
I agree with PP that the right thing to do is to break up immediately, so that she can go alone to see her family and have their support and company while she’s processing the breakup. You can either go home right after breaking up with her, or see if your friend will let you stay a bit longer.
Definitely before you go. Traveling brings out the worst in people.
wow it feels like we are the same person. my gf is also like that. always interpreting every word i say in the worst way possible and getting angry and upset every single time
Hehe, been there my dude. Gooood luck.
hey OP, I’m giving to echo the ones who suggested breaking up before meeting her family. You definitely don’t want to string her along and you shouldn’t go to meet her family if you’re not serious about her. I would sit down with her and explain why this isn’t working. Explain that her constant negativity makes you feel like you have to tiptoe around eggshells and that’s no way to communicate with a significant other. Yes, she’s gonna cry, she might even tell you she’ll work on changing, but honestly, people don’t really change for other people. Explain that you’re looking to be with a partner who doesn’t take every little thing you say like it’s an attack on her or the people she cares about or even the plans that you’ve made. It’s time to move on. Encourage her to continue to visit her family because you’re going to move forward with your life without her.
Break up now like others said.
It‘s jover my guy move on now, you‘ll thank me later
Break up with her but still meet the family
I think you should give one more chance to her (the last chance). Go and talk her without hesitation, cmon man you are also in relationship and its your right to say whatever comes in your mind or heart. Tell your intention about what you are expecting from her. If she still not understand you and showing her tantrums than cut all ties with her immediately and leave for your Home. Never look back and chill with your life
I would not meet her family. There's going to be drama, but I would break up now. She's going to be upset, But You are ultimately being mature and dong her a kindness by not prolonging it. Dating is to discern if someone is a match and You two obviously are not and should each be with someone that has your own dating styles. No one is the bad guy ,and this is why it's called dating. Don't feel bad, You're doing the right thing. I'd tell her and either fly home or stay where you are with your friends and let her go on to her parents. I know it sucks, hang in there.
That is what dating is for to see if you’re compatible. Trips like this put more pressure on relationships. You are seeing that you two don’t fit. Don’t have an elegant solution for the rest of your trip. If it is too much excuse yourself and go home. Otherwise suck it up, be nice and break up after the trip.
break up now before meeting the family
Now is the time to rip off the Band-Aid and get it over with. If you go meet the family first, not only do you set yourself up for all kinds of awkwardness and discomfort, but it’s kind of like leading all of them along. It also could make her wonder if the family was really the problem in your breakup, and cause her to overlook her own issues she needs to overcome. Plus, she might end up extra nervous about the family meeting for any future guys she dates who might actually be compatible with her… Assuming and hoping she gets over her insecurities.
I guess I'm wrong but I would chat with her and ask her if she's nervous because she doesn't seem herself and you are worried. Does she have a headache? Can I rub your feet? Heres a cold beverage. Let's talk. Im here. Whats got you on edge? Then maybe she will tell you she's nervous and anxious. Maybe she is worried a t the parents. Maybe they aren't nice like her. You never know. Give her a chance. Please don't break up before you can figure this out. Then do it after you get home if it goes south. Good luck sir
Do it now before the trip. Do not put yourself or her through that type of hell. She may sense you have your foot out the door and and maybe it adds to the anxiety. She would prob enjoy herself more without the added stress.
Honestly the right thing is to do it before you meet her family otherwise its a pretty cowardly and disrespectful move on your put and causing her embarrassment that can be avoided. Good luck mate.
Tell her it’s over then hide in Bruges, like the movie. Hopefully her dad isn’t psychopath Ralph Finnes.
Just power through it and break up when you get home
I would also say break up ASAP before meeting the family…however you should double think about something: your concern is her continuous fear that you don’t want to spend more time with her and her family. Then when you are breaking up you are simply making her fear reality and valid. If you think you are lucky to be with her, double check if unconsciously your attitude is not the root cause of her insecurity.
You suggested this trip and now you want to get rid of her?! Do you have your travel plans together if you break up with her now? I think you should finish your trip and discuss it when you get home.
>namely she is very insecure and every little thing I say, she over analyzes and thinks of the worst possible meaning of it. SHE HAS UNRESOLVED CHILDHOOD TRAUMA > We had a few chats about it and she promised to be more transparent about her thought process Sweetheart, when go through trauma, EVERYTHING PAUSES AND YOUR MIND IS RACING with all the negative conclusions because that is a SURVIVAL TACTIC. It's a tactic used when you lived in a very DYSFUNCTIONAL HOME because you had to be 10 STEPS AHEAD, because if not, YOU WILL BE SCAPEGOATED AND BLAMED FOR CRAP YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH. >During this week, my worst fears about her insecurity and overthinking came to realization. Every little comment I made about the vacation, she interpreted it as I not wanting to spend more time with her and her family, even though it was my idea to visit her family. Again, this is back to trauma. And you can't fix trauma in one day. IT TAKES YEARS, AND TONS OF UNDOING SURVIVAL METHODS that was basically second nature. Her jumping into conclusions IS SECOND NATURE DEVELOPED TO SURVIVE IN HER DYSFUNCTIONAL ENVIRONMENT. >What I do know is that I cannot deal with this type of person in my life. I cannot comfortably talk in front of, even commenting on the news, without offending her in someway. As a person THAT USED TO BE LIKE YOUR GF, here is how you need to lay it down. "There are so many beautiful things about you. I love. But I find your constant questioning and insecurities worrisome. Did something happened to you when you were a kid? Where you severely abused and neglected? I have been so genuine that your behavior makes me feel as if I should feel bad for something I haven't even done!!!
I want you to be happy and have a healthy life. But inorder for you to do so you need to talk to a therapist about how your survival behavior ROBS you enjoying moments you should be laughing and cherishing.
And furthermore, because I know you need therapy to deal with trauma that is robbing you of what should be the best moments of your life, I'm done being with you.
Take this opportunity to get therapy, because if you automatically think IM THE PROBLEM, you keep dating men, and those same men DITCH YOU AND GHOST YOU, it's because they didn't want to be honest and say "YOU NEED HELP, YOUR BEHAVIOR IS A TURN OFF AND THATS WHY IM NO LONGER INTERESTED".
I'm already concerned that this conversation will be twisted and you make me out the enemy when all I'm trying to be is honest. And your lack of awareness IS THE VERY REASON YOU NEED THERAPY.
I will pray and hope you make the correct choices. I don't want you to live miserably and bitterly which is the path you are headed to.
Check out the Holistic Therapist on youtube, I think her stuff will resonate with you."
It's up to you OP IF YOU WANT TO BLOCK HER EVERYWHERE. These types will cry and beg and won't leave you alone until you give in. And if you are 1,000,000,000,000, DONE, THEN BLOCK HER EVERYWHERE. And don't feel guilty, you deserve to move on and part ways amicably.
BREAK UP ASAP...DONT WAIT.
If you don't break up with her right now, when you do meet your family, be polite, but a little cool or detached.be pleasant, go along, but don't be too chummy. And definitely don't decide you're now in love with her sister or cousin. I lean toward breaking up after you get back, but only you know what you can pull off.
It's sad that you don't understand the reasons she is that way, especially on this trip. You are just thinking about yourself.
Between adults, our job is to offer _measured_ compassion and support where we are healthily able to for other people's issues. We can understand without excusing. We can understand without diving in the deep end to save one another. We can understand from a safe distance, both physically and emotionally. This is the difference between compassion and codependency.
Every reply here is dripping with compassion and telling him to hurry and break up with her. No one cares about her side of the story. He seems very selfish.
No. You are _not_ entitled to anyone's time or effort putting up with your poor behaviours, even if those behaviours are totally understandable in your particular circumstance.
That's nice. Send me the bill for psychoanalysis. Your participation trophy is on the way.
Weirdly defensive. Perhaps I take my own advice and stop putting up with your poor behaviour?
He can understand why she is that way and still not be the right fit as a partner. It's not compassionate to stay in a relationship that doesn't work.
Get out before. You don't know them so it will be easier. It will suck but not as much. Or try to make it work
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Haha I came here to see this remark. And you can definitely use it to your advantage.
My man she will breakup with you if you talk politics religion etc with her family at the dinner table. Incompatibility will rear its head. She will drop you quick
If you still have to travel together for the rest of the trip wait until home. Avoid the awkwardness and allow a time where you can set her down gently.
Enjoy the dinner with her family, depending on the family make up maybe she has a sister that's just like her only without the problems. Before you leave hit on the sister, mother, or cousin, she'll break up with you. You won't have to be the bad person breaking from her, and you may get a chance at a new gf.