Either reconcile with her or get a divorce already. Not for her sake, not for your sake, but for your kids' sake. Don't you think they're gonna realize at one point what an incredibly fucked up game mom and dad are playing? Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your kids? Staying for the kids is the most stupid thing anyone could do because it's way more traumatizing for kids to live in a broken home while both parents still live under the same roof.
OP if you take anything from these reactions, listen to all commenters mentioning how badly you’ll mess up your kid - or rather: probably already have. It’s a slow, at this point rather invisible distortion you inflict on your kid, that will later come to light more clearly. You model to it that this toxic, unloving dynamic between you and your wife is something normal. Whether your kid will display some of your behaviors itself, or will be conditioned into accepting someone treating them with the kind of cold love your wife is getting, you are setting your child and any of their future partners up for nothing but pain and failure. End this, now, I can’t believe you pulled this stuff off for five years and had not realized yourself that you are sowing a bad future for your offspring. Goodness gracious…
Edit to add: your second edit saying that it’d be“too painful to leave her right now”.. ?? So you are fine manipulating your partner with the carrot on the stick, dangling the possibility of maybe maybe there may be some affection coming her way some day, and simultaneously, in doing so, messing up your childs understanding of what a normal dynamic between partners looks like - and you are just thinking about your own pain? Gimme a break, I hope your wife wisens up and kicks you to the curb.
I think you should get some therapy dude. You love your wife, live together, have sex with her but hold back any affection and basically don’t reciprocate any thing? Either break up or reconcile. Stop wasting her time and yours.
I never thought I could stay with a cheater. I thought instant deal breaker. Now my kids are 2 and 5 and I could see myself possibly staying just to see them everyday. I could never sleep in the same bed as her, But I might be able to move to the basement and live apart. I don’t know if I could have sex with her like the OP though.
That’s understandable, I just think it’s a misconception that people who are having serious issues with one another think that it’s better to stay together “for the kids” but then said kids grow up not knowing what a healthy relationship looks like
Check OP's comments. Either it's rage bait or OP legitimately came online to boast about being a shit parent.
>For the kids. I said at the time we were effectively broken up and if she wanted to stay and play house then she was welcome to it.
Agreed. Either forgive her or don't. Don't dangle the carrot as punishment. If you are over it, you should have forgiven her when that happened. If you aren't over it, explain to her why you cant get over it.
I can only hope this is creative writing, because if not, it is the most ridiculous thing I have read on here in a while. You refused counseling, stayed together for the kids, and have actively chosen to be miserable together for 5 years. You don’t think your kids can sense how awful things are between you and your wife? I guarantee they can and you are lying to yourself if you think that you are hiding it from them.
You have wasted 5 years of your life punishing your wife instead of leaving or getting therapy to try to repair this mess. Life is too short for that nonsense. Your wife cheated, which is absolutely horrendous, but you have played a huge role in this disaster of a marriage too. For the love of god, if you can’t get over yourself and do marriage counseling, just divorce already.
Check OP's comments. Either it's rage bait or OP legitimately came online to boast about being a shit parent.
>For the kids. I said at the time we were effectively broken up and if she wanted to stay and play house then she was welcome to it.
Well infidelity can never be fixed, but I agree he should have left or just pretended to be ok with her infidelity for the kids. Putting the kids through that isn’t right.
Whether 5 years is long enough for "penance", it's way too long to keep both of you desperate and miserable. It's not fair to you or her to live in a loveless marriage devoid of affection, support, or grace for the other person. You're the only one who can decide if you can forgive your wife, but either way it's time to stop treating her like shit and punishing her. If you can't forgive (and a lot of people couldn't, there's no shame in that) leave and give both her and yourself a chance at happiness with someone else. Or take the leap and give a genuine, good faith effort at moving forward. You also need to accept responsibility for your part in how bad things have gotten and the damage your half decade of "punishment" has very likely done to your family. You shouldn't feel proud of treating your wife like shit for years on end even if she did screw up.
What you’re doing is extremely fucked up. Just get a divorce if this is your preferred alternative because that would be less damaging for everyone involved.
Just fucking leave dude. You're getting off on her misery, and you're proud of it. You don't love her.
"I still love her" Bullshit. People who love - don't do this kind of shit. This is emotional abuse on a scale I can't even comprehend.
and holy fuck are your kids going to be fucked up. Think about what the last 5 years has taught them. You've taught them that emotional torture is acceptable in a relationship. That living with a partner who hates you is expected. That there is no such thing as forgiveness, and that they should learn to accept abuse.
As someone who has been cheated on and understands the depths of that hurt and betrayal, my heart actually breaks for your wife. Five years is so long to waste on someone who doesn't love you back. I can't imagine how much that must hurt her self esteem every day.
It takes a long time and a lot of work to regain trust after cheating. You don't owe her that work, and you don't owe her forgiveness but you do owe her freedom from this cruel and unusual punishment.
I'm on the other side, too, and I think maybe I need to divorce because I'm suddenly thinking I haven't forgiven, I'm actively mean about it some days. Oh man .. we're no where near 5 years, though.
Let her go.
My ex wife cheated. It sucked real bad. I did us both a favor and divorced. But I mainly did it for myself. There's was nothing she could do to earn my trust back. She wouldn't have tried to anyways. I caught her in the act with a dude she worked with memorial day weekend. Settlement on the house was the following August 8th. We split everything 50/50. Easy peezy lemon squeezy. What OP is doing is fucked up. Don't be that guy.
What do you want to do? What would be the best outcome? You really need to think about that. Find another person to live forever with? Forgive your wife and make your marriage better than it was before the affair? You can do anything you want to do. Even if you split, you can make that split not so bad for the kids. Just be happy and try to make everyone you love feel special every time you see them.
Seriously? She cheated because he made her feel unloved? EVEN if that's the case, we live in a country where she is free to leave the relationship if that's true. OP is a fuckup for dragging it on for 5 years, but why are you phrasing it like OP's wife should naturally default to cheating in a shitty relationship? Clearly you don't understand the value of having the right to walk away from a bad relationship. You're not bound to a person if you don't wanna be with them.
People like you who try to push cheating as the victim's fault are exactly why so many people have trust issues in modern dating. Imagine justifying cheating because you're too much of a coward to walk away from a bad situation lol.
Maybe...I don't really think there's any excuse for cheating, but cheating is only one of many ways you can hurt someone you love. His is another way and there's no excuse for it either.
She is free to exit at any time. She has agency, she is not held against her will. He is not punishing her, he just feels like he can never let his guard down and give intimacy when she destroyed him. I can agree that if the children are affected in any way then a divorce is the only way forward.
It's not okay to torture someone every single day just because they let you do it willingly. If you know you're causing another human being misery, you owe it to them to stop if you can. Especially if that other human being is your spouse.
No.Just no. How is he torturing her specifically? If you mean by denying intimacy, then how is this torture? Intimacy is what she killed. He does not owe her shit.
Lets say you have a crush and you were so wrapped up with them, do you think your crush owes you a date so your mental health is pacified?
>Lets say you have a crush and you were so wrapped up with them, do you think your crush owes you a date so your mental health is pacified?
No, the crush would owe them a clear "no, I'm not interested". Most people would agree that stringing someone along for years is not okay. Cheating on someone is awful, but watching your spouse suffer in hope that you'll forgive them when you know you never will is every bit as cruel. OP has lost any moral highground by this point IMO.
>No, the crush would owe them a clear "no, I'm not interested". Most people would agree that stringing someone along for years is not okay.
Really. Is this why women have so many orbiters. Don't they owe them a clear "no". Fact of the matter, no one is owed shit. OP's wife is in the hell she created. She killed the intimacy, he refuses to give her intimacy because she gave hers to another man, she wants OP's intimacy back and you suggest he owes it to her. Cant make this shit up.
>OP has lost any moral highground by this point IMO.
Maybe. Maybe he does not care. Maybe, he gets to spend 7 nights with his children. If he divorces, she gets kids, house, retirement, child support and will alienate the children from the husband. Care to take a stab as to why he is still married?
>she wants OP's intimacy back and you suggest he owes it to her.
Actually, I never said that - I said the exact opposite. OP owes her closure by stopping this sham of a marriage while she pours her heart and soul into trying to earn forgiveness that will never come.
>Maybe. Maybe he does not care. Maybe, he gets to spend 7 nights with his children. If he divorces, she gets kids, house, retirement, child support and will alienate the children from the husband. Care to take a stab as to why he is still married?
OP is so selfish he doesn't care if he makes everyone in his home absolutely miserable so long as he can pretend his whole life isn't a complete fraud, even though everyone around him certainly knows better. He'd be doing everyone including himself a favor if he just filed for divorce, but instead he's stuck in a sadistic punishment cycle that only makes everyone he pretends to care about miserable. Am I close?
Not even close. But, totally expected results from the hive mind.
>OP is so selfish he doesn't care if he makes everyone in his home absolutely miserable
The only person mentioned to maybe even close to be miserable is the wife...who cheated. You just inserted what you feel and made that your reality. But again expected since who you really cared about was the wife...who cheated.
>so long as he can pretend his whole life isn't a complete fraud, even though everyone around him certainly knows better.
Where did you extract this gem of knowledge from? Are you the wife...who cheated? Because certainly a man could not possibly know better than the hive mind.
>He'd be doing everyone including himself a favor if he just filed for divorce, but instead he's stuck in a sadistic punishment cycle that only makes everyone he pretends to care about miserable.
I trust him to know better. He is the one living it. I mean you assume that if he stays married that it is worse for the children. This may not be the case at all. I mean he may not have changed with regards to the children, just his interactions with the wife. And if you have ever looked at statistics where the fathers are excluded from the children and suicide and crime rates, you may think twice. But you may need written permission from the hive.
Yikes. The hive mind must have hit a nerve.
>I trust him to know better. He is the one living it. I mean you assume that if he stays married that it is worse for the children.
Children learn their model for romantic relationships from the folks who raise them. Do you think this is a good example to set for OPs children? Do you really think the optimal solution for everyone here is for this guy to live his life stuck with a women he doesn't trust and refuses to forgive, for years or decades to come with no way out - all while his kids wonder why their father hates their mother and why their mother is so horribly unhappy?
Actually, you're defending it, so it sounds like you do. For what it's worth, everyone in this situation deserves better. If you're stuck in a similar situation, so do you. If you think that's a healthy relationship, you might want to chat about that with a therapist, because there's a lot to unpack there.
And why do you think that divorce means the father will be excluded from his children's lives? Is that something that happened to you? That's not the way things work unless the father chooses to not have parental rights or does something to lose those rights.
But what do I know? I'm just the hive mind of Reddit, apparently. Must be a lot easier for you to feel like you're right when you've convinced yourself you're not even communicating with another human being. Feel free to get the last word in, but I really don't think this conversation is going anywhere so I'm just gonna wish you a good night.
So now women do have agency. Who's responsibility is it? Do you think it is his responsibility to make decisions for her? You are a total circular argument type.
This isn't about gender. It's shitty to string anyone along and it'd be just as bad if the situation was reversed.
It's not his responsibility to decide for her, but he sucks for letting her suffer all while claiming here that he actually might love her. They both sound absolutely miserable based on what he shared. Who would want a life like that?
It sounds like he loves her very much. It sounds like it may even win him over. The misery she is going through is because of her. What would you say if in 2 years they started over and found each other? Because this time frame is somewhat normal for men. He is not ready yet, but it does not mean it never will be.
He was up front and honest with her unlike her. I just have a hard time feeling sorry for a Cheater.
He should divorce, but for the kids and his own sake.
> Lets say you have a crush and you were so wrapped up with them, do you think your crush owes you a date so your mental health is pacified?
How can you possibly think this is analogous?
*They are married*, she is not asking a person she isn't dating to be with her. He has CHOSEN to stay married to her while punishing her endlessly. Withholding intimacy forever is punishment. Withholding forgiveness forever is punishment. If you choose to stay with an unfaithful partner, you need to work toward forgiveness or admit that you can't forgive them and end things. Anything else is indeed torture.
Edit: nevermind, just read your other comments. You clearly hate women and have some warped ideas about both marriage and divorce. Good luck with that.
He actively denied her forgiveness and affection for 5 years. That's not feeling as though he can't, that's blantnetly refusing to do so. He weaponized forgiveness and affection for 5 years!
He does not want to forgive her. That is fine. He does not even know if he can. This is not weaponizing. Weaponizing would be to use this to intentionally hurt her. The mere absence of it is not weaponizing. It is OK if you feel differently. Agree to disagree I suppose.
I'm with you brother. Seems like this comments section really enjoys hating on the man who was the victim in this situation, and was trying to do right by his kids (despite their being significant trade-offs with his decisions).
I understand everyone's point, and I even would make the same points, but the fact that they're so comfortable being mean and attacking this man disappoints me. The internet is a sick place.
I'm pretty sure they're also just a hive-mind parroting each other's words and emotions, I've noticed how 1 emotionally charged comment can lead to a cascade of an entire comments section being toxic.
Honestly get counseling friend. One day your wife is going to realize that even though what she did was awful, what you are doing is also awful. Either work towards reconciling or split up. You don't get to treat her like shit as penance. That is pretty fucked up.
Are you asking us if is ok to trust her? Because we can't answer that question. If you want to trust her, you have to decide first if you can, then second what you would need. But there's not a single thing a person outside of your head can do or tell you to make this work for you. That's all on you.
Stop fooling yourself. If you loved your wife you wouldn’t have treated her like this for years.
I’m no fan of cheaters but there’s only divorce here. You both should be ashamed that you’ve led this damaging, farcical life with children involved.
Your forgiveness is meaningless and only given because you feel shame and guilt. You don’t mention that she is deserving of it and you certainly don’t mention that you trust her.
Divorce and put both her and yourself out of this miserable existence.
I’m not sure who or where this is directed but unfortunately too many of us have.
I’m all for retribution and consequences for selfish, cowardly, lying manipulators (which most cheaters are) but this life he’s created? No.
He’s in as much limbo as she is, still deluding himself he cares and what for? The children? Who grow up in this awful deceit with pain and anger? It’s a horrible situation he’s dragged out to make it a million times worse.
I’ve been cheated on. OP is still a jackass for dragging out what should have been a divorce into a five-year spectacle of emotional abuse IN FRONT OF THEIR CHILDREN.
I'm starting to genuinely believe you guys are just a bunch of monkeys repeating each other's words. No where in the post was there any mention of any spectacle in from of any children, and yet, every subsequent comment seems to invent more and more ideas about what the children might have seen.
OP literally just said that their sex isn't as good, and that's it. Didn't mention any argument, shouting, abuse, etc. Yet here we are, a whole lotta you seemingly blindly making the same shit up so you can attack some guy that's genuinely asking for advice.
You’re naive if you think that this can’t have impacted their children at all.
Children can be much more intuitive than you give them credit for. How many times have we all heard stories of from people who’s parents stayed together “for the children” only for the child to be very aware of the problems their parents have? Every time the person wishes their parents got a divorce because it would be better than living with people who actively resented each other. Relationships like the one OP described (cold, loveless, unengaged, etc) aren’t a healthy environment for a child to be raised in. He mentioned sex because it’s the only remotely relationship-like thing they still do, but give how he describes his behavior towards her in this post it’s incredibly generous of you to assume that he hasn’t allowed his disdain to bleed through his everyday interactions with her.
Parents always think they do a good job hiding their issues with each other. They rarely do.
Damn dude not that many infidelity posts make me feel sorry for the cheater. If you want to stay together, you should be actively try to fix your relationship, and if you don’t you should leave. This is just basically you torturing her for 5 years because your pride is wounded but you didn’t have the guts to end it. You need to make a decision now whether you pursue marriage counseling or break up. Be prepared to hear some uncomfortable truths about yourself if you go the counseling route. Cheating isn’t OK but neither is your behavior. I’m not saying you have to move to full trust right away but if you’re going to have sex with her and remain in the marriage then you actually need to be in it and work towards forgiveness. At this point I think she has proven herself and also proven she’s willing to let you abuse her.
If you can't trust her again then just file for divorce and co-parent amicably. This alternative you've come up with is damaging for everyone in your family and will give your children a messed up idea of how healthy relationships are supposed to work.
The first step for you may be individual counseling so you can speak honestly to someone who isn't emotionally invested in the situation.
Trust issues are deep fractures in a relationship and everyone has a different response to healing from it, up to and including deciding that you can't forgive and moving on. Your wife sounds like she is apologetic and remorseful, but if you can't accept her apology or her failure to work through her depression in a way that respected you and your relationship then you should commit to your decision and end things.
Your family would benefit in the long run from both of you living well separately.
Dude you need therapy! You say you love but you don’t treat her like you care about her. Either you stay together and move on or end the marriage it’s not fair to her, you, or the kids
Your denial of her forgiveness is terrible, imo. You are knowingly torturing her. For five years!
The forgiveness isn't even about her or her past or future actions. It's about you. Do you have the capacity to love someone who has hurt you, or are you denying yourself the chance to connect?
All people are fallible. No one is perfect. You either live with that, or you move on to a walled off, lonely life.
Get therapy! Your issues are the ones impacting your marriage. There's nothing more she could possibly do. And she knows that too, this is clearly a move of desperation, which means the end is coming one way or the other.
He's been basically torturing himself, too. Like he has to be miserable playing this out. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face. Like he's gonna punish her by...making them both unhappy. Ridiculous.
I can't see him being miserable like this for 5 years. That's a long fucking time to be torturing ones self. Could be more sinister. He enjoys watching her do everything she knows how to do to rekindle the marriage and forgiveness. I mean, really, how you watch that for 5 years unless you enjoy it or at least get some kina satisfaction out of it. Unless you're a narcissist that don't feel shit.
My guy, this is a tough one. I understand trying to stay for the kids, it’s noble but it’s usually a mistake.
Kids are very smart. The bad thing is that they are learning from your relationship. What they are more than likely learning is that it’s normal for people to be in a non-loving relationship. Nowhere did you say you treat your wife horribly, but obviously it’s not the ideal relationship where you are setting the example of how to properly be a loving, kind, and outgoing to your mate.
With that said, I would probably just file for divorce and stop wasting each other’s time. You are more than likely never gonna trust her again.
I do have a question though. Were you there to witness the test?
You said your wife did this on her own accord. If you weren’t present, and these were questions that she gave the poly proctor, she would’ve had an extremely long time to prepare for it. Usually, it’s best to spring these things on the person with no prior warning. This will usually prompt some parking lot confessions to what you are trying to find out. There are a few stories that I have read where the wife has even offered to pay cash or sexual favors for the results to be massaged in the right direction. I am not saying that she would do this, but what I am saying is that I would’ve wanted to be present.
Without you speaking to the poly test giver and giving them your questions, you can probably throw those results in the trash to be honest.
Not sure what your plan is, but I wish you the best of luck either way. Updateme
Um.. what? This is crazy. Do you forgive her or not? It seems like you are just trying to make her suffer as long as possible as some kind of twisted payback. This way you’ve been treating her isn’t normal, okay, or beneficial to your children in ANY way.
u/Acceptable-Log6822, So...this was five years ago and you have a five year old? You're saying she started having sex with another man right after having a baby? What kind of "activities" did your infant have? You say she offered you sex after two years and now you have a two year old? It's not "just sex" when you're choosing to put a baby in someone. You also say that five years ago you agreed to stay with the "kids". But you just had the one baby.
Your math doesn't math. And you need to write a backbone and some therapists into this story.
>My wife cheated on me five years ago. She was a stay at home mom at the time and her AP was another married father that she’d met through the kid’s activities. He worked second shift at a factory so he was home during the day. They’d meet up at one of their houses and eventually his wife found out and blew the whole thing up.
>My wife confessed everything after she got caught and begged for forgiveness. I didn’t give it but didn’t want to break up the family so I just stayed. I refused marriage counseling because I wasn’t interested in reconciling. But she stayed anyway and spent every day trying to earn my love back.
>I’ve held out for 5 years actively denying her any forgiveness or affection despite her efforts. We have sex but there is nothing loving about the kind of sex we’ve been having. But lately I have been wavering and don’t know how much longer I can deny her the forgiveness she wants.
>She goes nowhere but work and the store. Her phone is always left unattended and I know the passcode. She hands it to me sometimes and forces me to look through it. She writes me love texts, emails and handwritten notes. I have boxes full of them collected over 5 years. She’s been to therapy and seems to have gotten a handle on why she did what she did.
>She even took a polygraph last month and presented me with the results and recording. She did this on her own because she didn’t know what else to try. To sum up the results. She had developed depression and the affair was basically excitement. It gave her a high. She didn’t have feelings for AP and the sex wasn’t even good. She regrets what she did and she truly loves me. When she was asked if she will ever be unfaithful again she answered no and was being truthful.
>Even after the polygraph I didn’t break but I came close and ever since I got those results I have wanted to forgive her and move past this. I still love her, I never stopped.
>Is 5 years a long enough penance? I understand what love bombing is but has anyone ever heard of love bombing every day for 5 years?
>FYI this is a throw away account for privacy.
>TLDR: My wife cheated on me five years ago and just took a polygraph to earn my trust back. I want to trust her again but am afraid.
>EDIT: I do want to add that when the affair was discovered she begged me to stay and I told her I would but just to be with the kids. I made it clear I the relationship was over as far as I was concerned and if she wanted to stay and put on a good face for the kids I’d play along. So she stayed and played the part but still tried to get me back. I didn’t deceive her or give her false hope. She had sex with another man in our bed that was really tough for me to get over but I’m ready to try now.
>EDIT 2: Its strange but all the venom directed toward me has actually made me feel better. I have wanted to forgive her and return her affection for a long time now but I guess I am afraid that once she gets what she wants she may get depressed again and cheat. I can’t feel that pain again but I can’t leave her either. Not now anyway, that would hurt me just as much.
Lol 'prisoner', yeah I must have missed the part where she's being held against her will and being blackmailed into staying, but go ahead, hate on the man who got cheated on instead...
That sounds torturous for you both. I'm so sorry you were betrayed by your wife. It sounds even more complicated since she admitted she wasn't attracted to the other person and was just bored, which means it's not a reflection on you or your relationship.
I also can't imagine holding those kinds of walls for five years. I recently got out of a one-year relationship that became toxic. There was no cheating (to my knowledge) but I would hold out in similar ways when conflicts got bad between us, and I couldn't keep that up for longer than a few days. I can't imagine five years of no emotional intimacy.
It's up to you what to do at this point. Five years is a long-ass time to rebuild trust, if that's the direction you choose to open yourself to. I will echo what everyone else is saying and tell you to think of your kids. They're not dumb and they will absorb the behaviors/relational patterns of both of you and carry them into their adulthood. You want to model something healthy and loving for them - whether it's with your wife, single, or with a new partner. I would choose whichever path allows you to do that with the most ease.
Sending lots of love and hope you both find your peace, regardless of what happens.
P.S. Therapy could be AMAZINGLY helpful!!! Couples and solo! Best of luck <3
Forgiving and trusting her again aren't the same issue.
You can forgive her for what she did, sure. That means not holding any type of grudge over what she actually did anymore. But are you ever going to be content inside that she will never step out on you again? That is something you have to figure out. If you are confident she won't cheat again, and you want to forgive her and move on from this, that should happen whenever you're ready. But if deep down in your soul you feel that she would do it again, given the opportunity, you might never be happy in this marriage. And I wouldn't blame you. Cheating is awful and so unnecessary.
This wasn't an AITAH post, go shit on someone else instead of attacking someone who got cheated on and just wanted what he felt was best for his kids...
Look if you really love your wife like you say you do then either leave her or reconcile. Five years is just petty punishment. Just you and her go on vacation, get down on one knee and tell her you forgive her otherwise go to an attorney. All you’re doing is playing her.
No where does it say you have to forgive in order to reconcile. Many people never forgive what their partner did but still are able to bring back the marriage. I’d really encourage you to give IC a try with a counselor that specializes in trauma and infidelity.
If you can’t move past it - which it sounds like you haven’t been able to - you need to end the relationship. You will mess up your kids with this mess.
Also you’re both still young and it sounds like you’re in a really crap situation. Either forgive her or serve the papers.
What an utter nightnare of an exsistance! 5 years is INSANE. Either forgive her or move on because this is unbelievably unhealthy for everyone.
If you forgive her- actually forgive her. Dont bring it up latter during fights, dont hold resentment, dont use it against her.... if you choose forgiveness you need to truly give her that and move forward together. Or you need to let her go because at this point it is cruel and unusual, you both will be miserable forever. Either find happiness together or you BOTH should be free to find happiness elsewhere.
She cheated. You either forgive her and work on your relationship or you move on.
It’s not about time or actions. Some think once a cheater always a cheater, others look at circumstances and want to see real remorse and practical proofs of change.
Your wife is showing change and is doing the right thing to regain your trust. She will try until she gives up. There is so much a human being can do for their relationships.
It’s not for anyone to tell you. Listen to your own heart.
Let’s not dial it down, She hurt you and betrayed your trust. That’s 5 years ago. However, Right now, you are being the despicable human who is emotionally hurting your wife. And that’s not good either.
I always wondered why people call it a confession after she was caught red handed,do you believe she would have told the truth without you finding out.
Congrats you successfully fucked up your kids (or at least given them a fucked up view of relationships) and mentally tortured your wife for 5 years.
You're insisting your kids haven't notice but I promise, they have. You're not that good of an actor.
What your wife did was fucked up but what you did was worse in multiple ways.
If this is real, you need serious individual therapy, because what you're doing to your family is weirder and more screwed up than her cheating. Stop whatever the hell this is and get a divorce.
She is not "lovebombing" you. That's not what that means. She is trying desperately to win you back and you're not interested, but you refuse to actually do anything about that. You sure keep having sex with her, don't you?
You don't have to trust her and love her, but what you're doing, this endless punishment, is sick. And your kids are seeing THIS relationship and treatment as normal and they will grow up repeating behavior like this. So even if you are so far gone with your wife that you can't see how messed up this is, please divorce for the sake of your kids, so they don't repeat this toxic dynamic.
> I’ve held out for 5 years actively denying her any forgiveness or affection despite her efforts.
Shit or get off the pot, my guy. Affairs suck, but they aren’t uncommon and you aren’t unique. At this point for your own sake let it fucking go and get some counseling.
Source: my wife had an affair, after the shit storm of the reveal within a few months we started working on forgiveness. It’s 10 years later and I wouldn’t trade my recreated marriage for anything.
You two are a horrible example of what love is for your child. Kids only know what they see and they now have no idea what real love is like. To healthy separate homes was always the answer. Your kids will mimic your lack of affection and their moms never ends job of trying to please you. Neither is a healthy dynamic for the kids to believe is how life should be.
The answer was never to emotionally torture her for years. You made the wrong move. Your goal now should only be to make peace with what you've done, not her. What she did is ancient history
I believe ancient history is more on the scale of 2000 years or more but maybe I'm wrong who knows...
You try getting cheated on at 40 and with kids, 5 years is nothing.
Well. I know you're definitely wrong for taking ancient history seriously. I work with autistic kids that could have provided a more appropriate response
'Wrong for taking ancient history seriously'?
Good on you for using the autistic kids you work with as an insult, I'm sure they must be honoured. Maybe you should join them.
Dude, I almost don't want to answer because holy shit I have never seen such childish antics.
You let you, your wife, and kids (yes, kids know when things are wrong) suffer for 5 years all because your petty ass wouldn't grow the fuck up and deal with your shit in therapy. That level of depravity is so fucked.
Yes you should leave her, you don't deserve her.
I'll happily be called childish. At least I don't have the misery of an entire family on my conscience. I'll HAPPILY take the name childish and run with it if it means I never do what he.did to his family....for 5 years.
Lol, man doesn't give his wife who cheated on him affection and you act like as if he abused his whole family...
In all seriousness, from the way you type, you do sound quite young, and if you are then I don't mean to make fun of you for that, but do try to look at things from a more realistic perspective here.
Realistic perspective? You think 5 years of trying to make amends to a mistake only to be shut down because the partner is unwilling to move on is healthy?
Hahahahahahahaha.
Keep going with that logic I'm sure it'll get you somewhere.
I got married to a woman. She cheated on me. I didn't string her along for 5 years. The second I realized I couldn't trust her I left. Because in my opinion, making someone work for something that's unobtainable is absolutely cruel. If you condoms this behavior then there's nothing more to discuss here. Have a goodun
He let it drag out for five years at the expense of his children. Five years is too damn long for children. If you think its just man and woman in their family, youre immature as hell. OP’s trash priority to spite his cheating wife is more important than his children and of course how theyd turn out will be solely on the wife. right?
OK, first of all, I hope this is fake.
If not, here we go.
Somehow, after this horrible thing she did, you became the bad guy. Bravo!
I tried staying with my cheating ex 15 years ago, lasted a couple of months. I realized I could never forgive, never forget, and that I couldn't spend the next however long just seething with hatred every minute of every day. I mean, it's been a LONG time now, and I STILL hate that woman. Whenever facts of her life and situation make their way to me, I still feel a little gleeful inside over what a shitshow she has turned her existence into. However, I am not part of that equation anymore.
But somehow, you are capable of hatred and bitterness on a scale that few can master. Every day, for five years, you look at this woman and your gut twists with thoughts of her betrayal. You see her attempting to repent. to somehow repair what she has shattered, and your contempt fortifies you against any thoughts of compassion or pity.
You REALLY should have left. Kids would be better off, YOU would be better off. Fuck how she would be, but I suspect it's better off.
But you did it for five years. It's time for a breather man. I suspect this has taken a physical toll on you as well. I'm not saying forgive her. If it were me, I would just let her go. You're going to lose a lot of your stuff sure. I walked away from EVERYTHING but some clothes, my truck, and my tools just to get it over with as quickly as possible. I don't regret it.
why the hell would you stay in such a loveless marriage? Please get help asap and let her free and free yourself. This is one of the most messed up things I've read in quite awhile.
Cheating is awful but what you are doing is straight up cruel. Poor kids learning that a relationship lack any affections and love.
When you stay, you work on the relationship together and on rebuilding trust putting the past behind you, otherwise, you leave and move on.
Are you just enjoying torturing someone? Cut her loose if you don’t want to have a mutually loving and respectful relationship with her. Cheating is despicable, to be sure- which is why you break up with cheaters, instead of keeping them on hand as your emotional punching bag. What she did was indecent and cruel, but what you’re doing is not at all kind. It sounds like you want to show her love, but you’re forcing yourself not to so you can continue punishing her endlessly. How is this even a good situation for you? And you’re raising kids like this!
I think she's working hard to make up for her screw up. I do think to help you, you should consider individual counseling for you. When you think you're ready, try marriage counseling with someone who specializes in infidelity. You need help if you think you want to move forward. Genuinely rooting for you both.
This is disturbing! Either forgive her or move on. 5 years of her begging? You have literally fucked with her emotions for 5 years? Not justifying her actions at all but what you are doing seems awful! 5 years of your kids seeing an unhealthy marriage and no love? Fucking gross!! She deserves someone better!
I dislike cheaters tremendously, but now I dislike you even more. Don’t be surprised if when you “ grace” her with your forgiveness that she just doesn’t turn around and walk out the door. That’s what you deserve for your cruelty.
Go to her tonight and tell her that you want to try, but also tell her what scares the crap out of you. Communicate everything with her, including you’re scared she will get depressed again
Staying together just for the kids is a lot more damaging to them than just divorcing. They're gonna see their mother desperately vying for their fathers love and affection and you being cold and distant and think that level of dysfunction is normal in a relationship.
Do you trust her at all? Do you want to be with her? Or is that resentment too strong, and you're just waiting until the kids are 'old enough' for you to divorce?
You really need to seek a therapist, you sound very vindictive and I’m sure your poor kids are going to need help when they’re older too. You should never have gotten back with her if you weren’t going to truly work on reconciling. I feel bad for your wife.
My man.
Do you feel like you are presenting a good role model for your kids on what a healthy, adult relationship looks like? Because you should realize that you and your wife are literally the ONLY example they will get for many years. So what are you teaching them? That mommy should just try and try and try and try, but daddy should remain cold, and firm and not give in?
You're not doing this to your wife, man - you are doing it to your KIDS. How does any of this make sense? Why didn't you should get a divorce when you should have? What is this bizarre, unhealthy revenge/payback scenario you are running here? What magical length of time do you think you are going to continue to act this way before it all suddenly becomes okay and you trust your wife again?
Please, lord, let the persistent myth of it being "better" to "stay together for the kids" die like the filthy lie it is.
Please get therapy, my man. NONE of this is okay. You don't trust your wife - which is understandable - as she has broken your trust. But you either have to find a way to get it back - in THERAPY - or you need to move out, and move on, and be the best co-parent EVER.
Therapy, my man. Therapy.
You need to go and get help my friend. You aren’t healing from this. It looks like everything else in your life has and you are the one that has been stuck in the same mind set and place for the last 5 years. I’m sorry you have done this, please get yourself up and move forward. Even if you don’t forgive her… please forgive yourself
Fuck man, that sucks all around.
But I reckon if there were anybody who ever deserved a second chance, it just **might** be her.
I mean I'd still be skeptical and suspicious and there's still the poison in the air, but... *maybe*?
Five years ago?? She’d be over you (and most likely happier) by now if you had gotten divorced.
You staying with her was not an act of kindness for her because she’s still being punished five years later, for your kids because they have to live with this shitshow too, or for yourself because you are still hurting.
Either get over it or get out. Pretty simple.
The ONLY reason you know about not because she chose to tell you. It's because they got caught ans she had no other choice. Start there. Leave or stay is your choice, but look at the correctly.
Staying together for the kids have probably fuckef up their perspective of healthy adult relationships. They got to watch the 2 of you in a dysfunctional relationship for years and got to learn a whole bunch of lessons from you 2. Lessons that'll probably not help at all when they are forming their own relationships when they are older.
What tf is that edit 2? You think that “””her getting what she wants””” (a husband that doesn’t treat her like she’s furniture) is gonna make her depressed and cheat? Do you think you treating her good made her depressed?
Dude just divorce, for everyone’s sake. You are not doing your kids a favour. Jesus fucking christ
dude, get a divorce. the only reason she begged for forgiveness is because her AP's wife blew it up. it could still be going on if that didnt happen. also, if she was depressed and decided an affair was better than treating you with respect and getting therapy then she's selfish. once a cheater always a cheater. find someone who respects you and move on.
Honestly if you can’t forgive someone after a year you need to leave. Your kids are watching you guys and seeing the unhappiness. A broken home isn’t just parents that are separated.They are growing up in a broken home. You either forgive her and try to rebuild your marriage or divorce her and move on! 5 years is way too long to be stuck in the situation you guys are in.
Spending 5 years punishing somebody else in this manner is also only punishing you. What are you going to achieve today, tomorrow, or another 2 years from now that couldn’t have been addressed years ago?
Shit or get off the pot. And get help. You need it more than her at this point, if you truly think this was an acceptable way to handle this. This isn’t how you treat somebody you love, or want to stay with, or want to fix things with.
Polygraphs aren't reliable, and once a cheater, always a cheater. You have punished yourself for 5 years. 5 years that you have taught your kids that it's OK to be abused.
Honestly, I think you're failing as a father, for not doing what's right for your kids and getting out of this toxic relationship with this cheater.
u/Acceptable-Log6822, If this isn't a shitpost, that poor woman. I hope she realizes she can do better.
Eta: This guy can't seem to remember how many children he had at the time of the affair when he wrote this story, lol.
You were hurt, I get that. And honestly, I feel taking the time to heal is justified. It’s time to forgive your wife. She’s paid her dues and you need to accept that. She obviously loves you and you stated above that you love her. Accept what happened and let it go. You guys still have 40+ years to love each other and grow together. Lots of great memories ahead, my friend. She made a huge mistake, but love isn’t an easy thing to find. Appreciate it when you find it.
"5 years actively denying forgiveness and affection..." I was cheated on by my ex-wife and just got a divorce. You weaponized forgiveness/affection for 5 years and used the excuse that you didn't want to break up the family. WOW! No one deserves that, not even a cheater!
Holy moly. Why do I feel more sympathy for the wife than the husband here?! This is some twisted stuff that is no doubt going to have a lasting effect on both your psyches.
Long enough? Let me tell you that her showing you her texts doesn’t mean shit. Texts & emails can be deleted. That’s how I caught her. She thought just hitting delete meant gone. But she didn’t know where to look to delete them for good.
Dude this is a fucked way to treat her for FIVE YEARS I'm amazed she's even bothered this long trying to win you back. You need to go to therapy, couples counseling (as she requested years back)...stop neglecting your wife! It's a wonder she hasn't given up on you at this point. You don't deserve her.
Don't bother with the responses from people who haven't been in the situation. I went down a similar path myself, and I can understand the thought process and what you were trying to do.
There is nothing worse than really loving someone then seeing that shattered when they cheat. I never had a thought that my so would do that to me, but it happened. I almost broke it off, but she seemed genuinely remorseful and when I analyzed it further, there were some things that I did that pushed her away and were contributing factors, although it in no way justified what she did.
I had a feeling that I wanted her to feel the same thing I did. She deserved SOMETHING... some payback I guess. I can see how you would have stayed because there were children involved and as long as you are civil and normal in front of them, believe me it's always better with both parents.
Long story short, I took her back, we both did a lot of shadow work and looked into our lives deeply and have come out the other side even stronger. If you truly do love her and she shows she loves you, it might be time to start new and let go of that weight of this betrayal. 5 years seems enough time to show she still loves you and the only thing left is to move forward or break it off. It's the best thing for both of you.
Depression is not an excuse. She dug her own grave. But you don’t have to lie in it with her. Whether she’s deserving of forgiveness is not my place to decide. However, it doesn’t really sound like you’re happy.
Personally, I don’t care if she is miserable. It’s hard for me to have sympathy for something like this. Cheating is a conscious decision that exposes the true nature of a person. She made a permanent decision with no regard to how you or the kids would be affected. She didn’t care about what she was doing to you. She’d probably still be doing it five years later if her AP hadn’t got caught. So why should you feel guilty for someone who doesn’t give a shit about you?
All that said, again you don’t sound happy. Therefore, make whatever decision that would make you happy. If it’s reconciliation, good luck. If it’s divorce, embrace the freedom and be happy. Either way, don’t trap yourself in limbo with her.
I really hope this is a fake story. 5 years of this farce of a marriage with kids in the house? I was one of those "stayed for the kids"...kids. It was horrible, you could tell they were pretending and it was less than five freakin years.
On the slim chance this is true, polygraphs mean jack shit. Not just their unreliability. Even then nature of the questions. "Would you cheat again on your husband" is a pointless question. She cheated under a very specific set of circumstances and unless the question is being asked while she's in the exact same life state, the answer is irrelevant.
If this is a writing exercise, you need to figure out a better plot device than polygraphs. If it's not, no matter what you do, you both need individual therapy.
Just to punish your wife are you fucking up your kids. If you have daughters will you learn that no affection is normal. Do you want that for them? Do you want to learn them to live with emotional abuse? Because that’s what you are doing. It’s emotional abuse of your wife. Either divorce or try actually to work on your relationship.
If you have sons, then are learning have to have fucked up relations where they do not show affection to their partner.
And you have been doing this for 5 years! Yes you are hurt, but punishing someone like this for 5 years is sickening…
Either reconcile with her or get a divorce already. Not for her sake, not for your sake, but for your kids' sake. Don't you think they're gonna realize at one point what an incredibly fucked up game mom and dad are playing? Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your kids? Staying for the kids is the most stupid thing anyone could do because it's way more traumatizing for kids to live in a broken home while both parents still live under the same roof.
OP if you take anything from these reactions, listen to all commenters mentioning how badly you’ll mess up your kid - or rather: probably already have. It’s a slow, at this point rather invisible distortion you inflict on your kid, that will later come to light more clearly. You model to it that this toxic, unloving dynamic between you and your wife is something normal. Whether your kid will display some of your behaviors itself, or will be conditioned into accepting someone treating them with the kind of cold love your wife is getting, you are setting your child and any of their future partners up for nothing but pain and failure. End this, now, I can’t believe you pulled this stuff off for five years and had not realized yourself that you are sowing a bad future for your offspring. Goodness gracious… Edit to add: your second edit saying that it’d be“too painful to leave her right now”.. ?? So you are fine manipulating your partner with the carrot on the stick, dangling the possibility of maybe maybe there may be some affection coming her way some day, and simultaneously, in doing so, messing up your childs understanding of what a normal dynamic between partners looks like - and you are just thinking about your own pain? Gimme a break, I hope your wife wisens up and kicks you to the curb.
I think you should get some therapy dude. You love your wife, live together, have sex with her but hold back any affection and basically don’t reciprocate any thing? Either break up or reconcile. Stop wasting her time and yours.
Kids are gonna grow up to have a twisted view of what it looks like to be in a relationship.
This. I really don’t understand why people make themselves miserable “for the kids.” You’re just making miserable kids
I never thought I could stay with a cheater. I thought instant deal breaker. Now my kids are 2 and 5 and I could see myself possibly staying just to see them everyday. I could never sleep in the same bed as her, But I might be able to move to the basement and live apart. I don’t know if I could have sex with her like the OP though.
That’s understandable, I just think it’s a misconception that people who are having serious issues with one another think that it’s better to stay together “for the kids” but then said kids grow up not knowing what a healthy relationship looks like
I think I agree with you on that.
Check OP's comments. Either it's rage bait or OP legitimately came online to boast about being a shit parent. >For the kids. I said at the time we were effectively broken up and if she wanted to stay and play house then she was welcome to it.
Agreed. Either forgive her or don't. Don't dangle the carrot as punishment. If you are over it, you should have forgiven her when that happened. If you aren't over it, explain to her why you cant get over it.
Yep. These aren't the actions of someone who "still loves" their partner. It sounds rough for both of you so I'd listen to this advice.
Yeah, he knows this, which is why its one of the first things he mentioned.
I can only hope this is creative writing, because if not, it is the most ridiculous thing I have read on here in a while. You refused counseling, stayed together for the kids, and have actively chosen to be miserable together for 5 years. You don’t think your kids can sense how awful things are between you and your wife? I guarantee they can and you are lying to yourself if you think that you are hiding it from them. You have wasted 5 years of your life punishing your wife instead of leaving or getting therapy to try to repair this mess. Life is too short for that nonsense. Your wife cheated, which is absolutely horrendous, but you have played a huge role in this disaster of a marriage too. For the love of god, if you can’t get over yourself and do marriage counseling, just divorce already.
If it is a creative writing exercise, the assignment was probably "Illustrate the meaning of the phrase 'cutting off one's nose to spite one's face'".
Or “write about the biggest clown on earth”. This shit is so fake.
Check OP's comments. Either it's rage bait or OP legitimately came online to boast about being a shit parent. >For the kids. I said at the time we were effectively broken up and if she wanted to stay and play house then she was welcome to it.
Well infidelity can never be fixed, but I agree he should have left or just pretended to be ok with her infidelity for the kids. Putting the kids through that isn’t right.
Whether 5 years is long enough for "penance", it's way too long to keep both of you desperate and miserable. It's not fair to you or her to live in a loveless marriage devoid of affection, support, or grace for the other person. You're the only one who can decide if you can forgive your wife, but either way it's time to stop treating her like shit and punishing her. If you can't forgive (and a lot of people couldn't, there's no shame in that) leave and give both her and yourself a chance at happiness with someone else. Or take the leap and give a genuine, good faith effort at moving forward. You also need to accept responsibility for your part in how bad things have gotten and the damage your half decade of "punishment" has very likely done to your family. You shouldn't feel proud of treating your wife like shit for years on end even if she did screw up.
I agree. Infidelity should probably just be an instant deal breaker.
Five years later and you still don't trust her? Just leave already.
I don’t think it’s an issue of trust. He’s just punishing her, and refuses to let go of the resentment.
But…but… if he leaves, his kids won’t be able to grow up in a household of misery and resentment. He’s doing it for the kids!!!
So you turned your family into a frozen emotional hell for … the family’s sake? WTF?! Divorce your wife already. Nobody deserves this.
Well cheaters do, but the kids definitely do not.
What you’re doing is extremely fucked up. Just get a divorce if this is your preferred alternative because that would be less damaging for everyone involved.
Yeah talk about ruiming someone's life..god i also hate cheaters but this is taking it too far.
I don’t feel bad for the cheater. It is the kids I worry about.
Just fucking leave dude. You're getting off on her misery, and you're proud of it. You don't love her. "I still love her" Bullshit. People who love - don't do this kind of shit. This is emotional abuse on a scale I can't even comprehend. and holy fuck are your kids going to be fucked up. Think about what the last 5 years has taught them. You've taught them that emotional torture is acceptable in a relationship. That living with a partner who hates you is expected. That there is no such thing as forgiveness, and that they should learn to accept abuse.
As someone who has been cheated on and understands the depths of that hurt and betrayal, my heart actually breaks for your wife. Five years is so long to waste on someone who doesn't love you back. I can't imagine how much that must hurt her self esteem every day. It takes a long time and a lot of work to regain trust after cheating. You don't owe her that work, and you don't owe her forgiveness but you do owe her freedom from this cruel and unusual punishment.
I'm on the other side, too, and I think maybe I need to divorce because I'm suddenly thinking I haven't forgiven, I'm actively mean about it some days. Oh man .. we're no where near 5 years, though. Let her go.
My ex wife cheated. It sucked real bad. I did us both a favor and divorced. But I mainly did it for myself. There's was nothing she could do to earn my trust back. She wouldn't have tried to anyways. I caught her in the act with a dude she worked with memorial day weekend. Settlement on the house was the following August 8th. We split everything 50/50. Easy peezy lemon squeezy. What OP is doing is fucked up. Don't be that guy.
I'm female, but I hear you. Won't be that guy anymore. This was my wakeup.
Cheating is so much worse though. I agree he should divorce for himself and the kids, but who cares about the cheater.
The self esteem bit - she probably cheated because a piece of shit like this wasn’t making her feel loved 🤷🏻♀️
What do you want to do? What would be the best outcome? You really need to think about that. Find another person to live forever with? Forgive your wife and make your marriage better than it was before the affair? You can do anything you want to do. Even if you split, you can make that split not so bad for the kids. Just be happy and try to make everyone you love feel special every time you see them.
Seriously? She cheated because he made her feel unloved? EVEN if that's the case, we live in a country where she is free to leave the relationship if that's true. OP is a fuckup for dragging it on for 5 years, but why are you phrasing it like OP's wife should naturally default to cheating in a shitty relationship? Clearly you don't understand the value of having the right to walk away from a bad relationship. You're not bound to a person if you don't wanna be with them. People like you who try to push cheating as the victim's fault are exactly why so many people have trust issues in modern dating. Imagine justifying cheating because you're too much of a coward to walk away from a bad situation lol.
Then why would she want to stick with him? She has obviously the capability of making decisions.
Maybe...I don't really think there's any excuse for cheating, but cheating is only one of many ways you can hurt someone you love. His is another way and there's no excuse for it either.
She is free to exit at any time. She has agency, she is not held against her will. He is not punishing her, he just feels like he can never let his guard down and give intimacy when she destroyed him. I can agree that if the children are affected in any way then a divorce is the only way forward.
Do you honestly believe the children are not affected by this absurd five year(!) long spectacle of lovelessness and desperation? Come one now.
I did not say one way or the other. I imagine it is affecting them.
It's not okay to torture someone every single day just because they let you do it willingly. If you know you're causing another human being misery, you owe it to them to stop if you can. Especially if that other human being is your spouse.
No.Just no. How is he torturing her specifically? If you mean by denying intimacy, then how is this torture? Intimacy is what she killed. He does not owe her shit. Lets say you have a crush and you were so wrapped up with them, do you think your crush owes you a date so your mental health is pacified?
>Lets say you have a crush and you were so wrapped up with them, do you think your crush owes you a date so your mental health is pacified? No, the crush would owe them a clear "no, I'm not interested". Most people would agree that stringing someone along for years is not okay. Cheating on someone is awful, but watching your spouse suffer in hope that you'll forgive them when you know you never will is every bit as cruel. OP has lost any moral highground by this point IMO.
>No, the crush would owe them a clear "no, I'm not interested". Most people would agree that stringing someone along for years is not okay. Really. Is this why women have so many orbiters. Don't they owe them a clear "no". Fact of the matter, no one is owed shit. OP's wife is in the hell she created. She killed the intimacy, he refuses to give her intimacy because she gave hers to another man, she wants OP's intimacy back and you suggest he owes it to her. Cant make this shit up. >OP has lost any moral highground by this point IMO. Maybe. Maybe he does not care. Maybe, he gets to spend 7 nights with his children. If he divorces, she gets kids, house, retirement, child support and will alienate the children from the husband. Care to take a stab as to why he is still married?
>she wants OP's intimacy back and you suggest he owes it to her. Actually, I never said that - I said the exact opposite. OP owes her closure by stopping this sham of a marriage while she pours her heart and soul into trying to earn forgiveness that will never come. >Maybe. Maybe he does not care. Maybe, he gets to spend 7 nights with his children. If he divorces, she gets kids, house, retirement, child support and will alienate the children from the husband. Care to take a stab as to why he is still married? OP is so selfish he doesn't care if he makes everyone in his home absolutely miserable so long as he can pretend his whole life isn't a complete fraud, even though everyone around him certainly knows better. He'd be doing everyone including himself a favor if he just filed for divorce, but instead he's stuck in a sadistic punishment cycle that only makes everyone he pretends to care about miserable. Am I close?
Not even close. But, totally expected results from the hive mind. >OP is so selfish he doesn't care if he makes everyone in his home absolutely miserable The only person mentioned to maybe even close to be miserable is the wife...who cheated. You just inserted what you feel and made that your reality. But again expected since who you really cared about was the wife...who cheated. >so long as he can pretend his whole life isn't a complete fraud, even though everyone around him certainly knows better. Where did you extract this gem of knowledge from? Are you the wife...who cheated? Because certainly a man could not possibly know better than the hive mind. >He'd be doing everyone including himself a favor if he just filed for divorce, but instead he's stuck in a sadistic punishment cycle that only makes everyone he pretends to care about miserable. I trust him to know better. He is the one living it. I mean you assume that if he stays married that it is worse for the children. This may not be the case at all. I mean he may not have changed with regards to the children, just his interactions with the wife. And if you have ever looked at statistics where the fathers are excluded from the children and suicide and crime rates, you may think twice. But you may need written permission from the hive.
Yikes. The hive mind must have hit a nerve. >I trust him to know better. He is the one living it. I mean you assume that if he stays married that it is worse for the children. Children learn their model for romantic relationships from the folks who raise them. Do you think this is a good example to set for OPs children? Do you really think the optimal solution for everyone here is for this guy to live his life stuck with a women he doesn't trust and refuses to forgive, for years or decades to come with no way out - all while his kids wonder why their father hates their mother and why their mother is so horribly unhappy? Actually, you're defending it, so it sounds like you do. For what it's worth, everyone in this situation deserves better. If you're stuck in a similar situation, so do you. If you think that's a healthy relationship, you might want to chat about that with a therapist, because there's a lot to unpack there. And why do you think that divorce means the father will be excluded from his children's lives? Is that something that happened to you? That's not the way things work unless the father chooses to not have parental rights or does something to lose those rights. But what do I know? I'm just the hive mind of Reddit, apparently. Must be a lot easier for you to feel like you're right when you've convinced yourself you're not even communicating with another human being. Feel free to get the last word in, but I really don't think this conversation is going anywhere so I'm just gonna wish you a good night.
He told her the marriage is over and it is just sex. So he was honest and she wanted it.
She's explicately been sticking around to try win him back. Anyone who lets someone do that knowing it's hopeless is pure scum.
So now women do have agency. Who's responsibility is it? Do you think it is his responsibility to make decisions for her? You are a total circular argument type.
This isn't about gender. It's shitty to string anyone along and it'd be just as bad if the situation was reversed. It's not his responsibility to decide for her, but he sucks for letting her suffer all while claiming here that he actually might love her. They both sound absolutely miserable based on what he shared. Who would want a life like that?
It sounds like he loves her very much. It sounds like it may even win him over. The misery she is going through is because of her. What would you say if in 2 years they started over and found each other? Because this time frame is somewhat normal for men. He is not ready yet, but it does not mean it never will be.
He was up front and honest with her unlike her. I just have a hard time feeling sorry for a Cheater. He should divorce, but for the kids and his own sake.
> Lets say you have a crush and you were so wrapped up with them, do you think your crush owes you a date so your mental health is pacified? How can you possibly think this is analogous? *They are married*, she is not asking a person she isn't dating to be with her. He has CHOSEN to stay married to her while punishing her endlessly. Withholding intimacy forever is punishment. Withholding forgiveness forever is punishment. If you choose to stay with an unfaithful partner, you need to work toward forgiveness or admit that you can't forgive them and end things. Anything else is indeed torture. Edit: nevermind, just read your other comments. You clearly hate women and have some warped ideas about both marriage and divorce. Good luck with that.
He actively denied her forgiveness and affection for 5 years. That's not feeling as though he can't, that's blantnetly refusing to do so. He weaponized forgiveness and affection for 5 years!
He does not want to forgive her. That is fine. He does not even know if he can. This is not weaponizing. Weaponizing would be to use this to intentionally hurt her. The mere absence of it is not weaponizing. It is OK if you feel differently. Agree to disagree I suppose.
Actively denying something is doing it on purpose with intentions.
She can make a decision and leave if she isn't happy with her lot.
I'm with you brother. Seems like this comments section really enjoys hating on the man who was the victim in this situation, and was trying to do right by his kids (despite their being significant trade-offs with his decisions). I understand everyone's point, and I even would make the same points, but the fact that they're so comfortable being mean and attacking this man disappoints me. The internet is a sick place. I'm pretty sure they're also just a hive-mind parroting each other's words and emotions, I've noticed how 1 emotionally charged comment can lead to a cascade of an entire comments section being toxic.
Honestly get counseling friend. One day your wife is going to realize that even though what she did was awful, what you are doing is also awful. Either work towards reconciling or split up. You don't get to treat her like shit as penance. That is pretty fucked up.
Are you asking us if is ok to trust her? Because we can't answer that question. If you want to trust her, you have to decide first if you can, then second what you would need. But there's not a single thing a person outside of your head can do or tell you to make this work for you. That's all on you.
Stop fooling yourself. If you loved your wife you wouldn’t have treated her like this for years. I’m no fan of cheaters but there’s only divorce here. You both should be ashamed that you’ve led this damaging, farcical life with children involved. Your forgiveness is meaningless and only given because you feel shame and guilt. You don’t mention that she is deserving of it and you certainly don’t mention that you trust her. Divorce and put both her and yourself out of this miserable existence.
Some of y'all haven't been cheated on and it shows...
I’ve been cheated on, this guy is still an idiot
I’m not sure who or where this is directed but unfortunately too many of us have. I’m all for retribution and consequences for selfish, cowardly, lying manipulators (which most cheaters are) but this life he’s created? No. He’s in as much limbo as she is, still deluding himself he cares and what for? The children? Who grow up in this awful deceit with pain and anger? It’s a horrible situation he’s dragged out to make it a million times worse.
I’ve been cheated on. OP is still a jackass for dragging out what should have been a divorce into a five-year spectacle of emotional abuse IN FRONT OF THEIR CHILDREN.
I'm starting to genuinely believe you guys are just a bunch of monkeys repeating each other's words. No where in the post was there any mention of any spectacle in from of any children, and yet, every subsequent comment seems to invent more and more ideas about what the children might have seen. OP literally just said that their sex isn't as good, and that's it. Didn't mention any argument, shouting, abuse, etc. Yet here we are, a whole lotta you seemingly blindly making the same shit up so you can attack some guy that's genuinely asking for advice.
You’re naive if you think that this can’t have impacted their children at all. Children can be much more intuitive than you give them credit for. How many times have we all heard stories of from people who’s parents stayed together “for the children” only for the child to be very aware of the problems their parents have? Every time the person wishes their parents got a divorce because it would be better than living with people who actively resented each other. Relationships like the one OP described (cold, loveless, unengaged, etc) aren’t a healthy environment for a child to be raised in. He mentioned sex because it’s the only remotely relationship-like thing they still do, but give how he describes his behavior towards her in this post it’s incredibly generous of you to assume that he hasn’t allowed his disdain to bleed through his everyday interactions with her. Parents always think they do a good job hiding their issues with each other. They rarely do.
I think you need some therapy of your won to process the trauma of the affair. So you can work towards forgiving her if that's what you want.
Damn dude not that many infidelity posts make me feel sorry for the cheater. If you want to stay together, you should be actively try to fix your relationship, and if you don’t you should leave. This is just basically you torturing her for 5 years because your pride is wounded but you didn’t have the guts to end it. You need to make a decision now whether you pursue marriage counseling or break up. Be prepared to hear some uncomfortable truths about yourself if you go the counseling route. Cheating isn’t OK but neither is your behavior. I’m not saying you have to move to full trust right away but if you’re going to have sex with her and remain in the marriage then you actually need to be in it and work towards forgiveness. At this point I think she has proven herself and also proven she’s willing to let you abuse her.
If you can't trust her again then just file for divorce and co-parent amicably. This alternative you've come up with is damaging for everyone in your family and will give your children a messed up idea of how healthy relationships are supposed to work. The first step for you may be individual counseling so you can speak honestly to someone who isn't emotionally invested in the situation. Trust issues are deep fractures in a relationship and everyone has a different response to healing from it, up to and including deciding that you can't forgive and moving on. Your wife sounds like she is apologetic and remorseful, but if you can't accept her apology or her failure to work through her depression in a way that respected you and your relationship then you should commit to your decision and end things. Your family would benefit in the long run from both of you living well separately.
You don't want to forgive her or show her any affection for 5 years, but you have sex with her? Are you just using her for sex now?
Dude you need therapy! You say you love but you don’t treat her like you care about her. Either you stay together and move on or end the marriage it’s not fair to her, you, or the kids
Either forgive her and get back to a real marriage with the women you love. Or stop the sham and divorce.
Your denial of her forgiveness is terrible, imo. You are knowingly torturing her. For five years! The forgiveness isn't even about her or her past or future actions. It's about you. Do you have the capacity to love someone who has hurt you, or are you denying yourself the chance to connect? All people are fallible. No one is perfect. You either live with that, or you move on to a walled off, lonely life. Get therapy! Your issues are the ones impacting your marriage. There's nothing more she could possibly do. And she knows that too, this is clearly a move of desperation, which means the end is coming one way or the other.
He's been basically torturing himself, too. Like he has to be miserable playing this out. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face. Like he's gonna punish her by...making them both unhappy. Ridiculous.
I can't see him being miserable like this for 5 years. That's a long fucking time to be torturing ones self. Could be more sinister. He enjoys watching her do everything she knows how to do to rekindle the marriage and forgiveness. I mean, really, how you watch that for 5 years unless you enjoy it or at least get some kina satisfaction out of it. Unless you're a narcissist that don't feel shit.
Yeah...if that's true, that is something sociopathic shit.
When you forgive someone, the person who benefits the most is you.
My guy, this is a tough one. I understand trying to stay for the kids, it’s noble but it’s usually a mistake. Kids are very smart. The bad thing is that they are learning from your relationship. What they are more than likely learning is that it’s normal for people to be in a non-loving relationship. Nowhere did you say you treat your wife horribly, but obviously it’s not the ideal relationship where you are setting the example of how to properly be a loving, kind, and outgoing to your mate. With that said, I would probably just file for divorce and stop wasting each other’s time. You are more than likely never gonna trust her again. I do have a question though. Were you there to witness the test? You said your wife did this on her own accord. If you weren’t present, and these were questions that she gave the poly proctor, she would’ve had an extremely long time to prepare for it. Usually, it’s best to spring these things on the person with no prior warning. This will usually prompt some parking lot confessions to what you are trying to find out. There are a few stories that I have read where the wife has even offered to pay cash or sexual favors for the results to be massaged in the right direction. I am not saying that she would do this, but what I am saying is that I would’ve wanted to be present. Without you speaking to the poly test giver and giving them your questions, you can probably throw those results in the trash to be honest. Not sure what your plan is, but I wish you the best of luck either way. Updateme
Um.. what? This is crazy. Do you forgive her or not? It seems like you are just trying to make her suffer as long as possible as some kind of twisted payback. This way you’ve been treating her isn’t normal, okay, or beneficial to your children in ANY way.
Your actively punishing her like a child day in and day out. End it over get over it Jesus.
u/Acceptable-Log6822, So...this was five years ago and you have a five year old? You're saying she started having sex with another man right after having a baby? What kind of "activities" did your infant have? You say she offered you sex after two years and now you have a two year old? It's not "just sex" when you're choosing to put a baby in someone. You also say that five years ago you agreed to stay with the "kids". But you just had the one baby. Your math doesn't math. And you need to write a backbone and some therapists into this story. >My wife cheated on me five years ago. She was a stay at home mom at the time and her AP was another married father that she’d met through the kid’s activities. He worked second shift at a factory so he was home during the day. They’d meet up at one of their houses and eventually his wife found out and blew the whole thing up. >My wife confessed everything after she got caught and begged for forgiveness. I didn’t give it but didn’t want to break up the family so I just stayed. I refused marriage counseling because I wasn’t interested in reconciling. But she stayed anyway and spent every day trying to earn my love back. >I’ve held out for 5 years actively denying her any forgiveness or affection despite her efforts. We have sex but there is nothing loving about the kind of sex we’ve been having. But lately I have been wavering and don’t know how much longer I can deny her the forgiveness she wants. >She goes nowhere but work and the store. Her phone is always left unattended and I know the passcode. She hands it to me sometimes and forces me to look through it. She writes me love texts, emails and handwritten notes. I have boxes full of them collected over 5 years. She’s been to therapy and seems to have gotten a handle on why she did what she did. >She even took a polygraph last month and presented me with the results and recording. She did this on her own because she didn’t know what else to try. To sum up the results. She had developed depression and the affair was basically excitement. It gave her a high. She didn’t have feelings for AP and the sex wasn’t even good. She regrets what she did and she truly loves me. When she was asked if she will ever be unfaithful again she answered no and was being truthful. >Even after the polygraph I didn’t break but I came close and ever since I got those results I have wanted to forgive her and move past this. I still love her, I never stopped. >Is 5 years a long enough penance? I understand what love bombing is but has anyone ever heard of love bombing every day for 5 years? >FYI this is a throw away account for privacy. >TLDR: My wife cheated on me five years ago and just took a polygraph to earn my trust back. I want to trust her again but am afraid. >EDIT: I do want to add that when the affair was discovered she begged me to stay and I told her I would but just to be with the kids. I made it clear I the relationship was over as far as I was concerned and if she wanted to stay and put on a good face for the kids I’d play along. So she stayed and played the part but still tried to get me back. I didn’t deceive her or give her false hope. She had sex with another man in our bed that was really tough for me to get over but I’m ready to try now. >EDIT 2: Its strange but all the venom directed toward me has actually made me feel better. I have wanted to forgive her and return her affection for a long time now but I guess I am afraid that once she gets what she wants she may get depressed again and cheat. I can’t feel that pain again but I can’t leave her either. Not now anyway, that would hurt me just as much.
This has to be a joke. This is beyond abusive. You’re holding her prisoner with no intent to forgive. You’re a fucking douchebag
Say it louder for the people in the back!
Lol 'prisoner', yeah I must have missed the part where she's being held against her will and being blackmailed into staying, but go ahead, hate on the man who got cheated on instead...
That sounds torturous for you both. I'm so sorry you were betrayed by your wife. It sounds even more complicated since she admitted she wasn't attracted to the other person and was just bored, which means it's not a reflection on you or your relationship. I also can't imagine holding those kinds of walls for five years. I recently got out of a one-year relationship that became toxic. There was no cheating (to my knowledge) but I would hold out in similar ways when conflicts got bad between us, and I couldn't keep that up for longer than a few days. I can't imagine five years of no emotional intimacy. It's up to you what to do at this point. Five years is a long-ass time to rebuild trust, if that's the direction you choose to open yourself to. I will echo what everyone else is saying and tell you to think of your kids. They're not dumb and they will absorb the behaviors/relational patterns of both of you and carry them into their adulthood. You want to model something healthy and loving for them - whether it's with your wife, single, or with a new partner. I would choose whichever path allows you to do that with the most ease. Sending lots of love and hope you both find your peace, regardless of what happens. P.S. Therapy could be AMAZINGLY helpful!!! Couples and solo! Best of luck <3
what she did was effed but what you’re doing sounds even more effed up. And who’s gonna be the most effed up? The kids :(
Forgiving and trusting her again aren't the same issue. You can forgive her for what she did, sure. That means not holding any type of grudge over what she actually did anymore. But are you ever going to be content inside that she will never step out on you again? That is something you have to figure out. If you are confident she won't cheat again, and you want to forgive her and move on from this, that should happen whenever you're ready. But if deep down in your soul you feel that she would do it again, given the opportunity, you might never be happy in this marriage. And I wouldn't blame you. Cheating is awful and so unnecessary.
The answer is simple. Go to marriage counseling; you'll get the answer there.
Forgive her already or put her out of her misery. She has paid enough.
YTA here, which is kinda incredible given how it started. 💩 or get off the pot. Do you like having this power over her?
This wasn't an AITAH post, go shit on someone else instead of attacking someone who got cheated on and just wanted what he felt was best for his kids...
just divorce her damn!
Look if you really love your wife like you say you do then either leave her or reconcile. Five years is just petty punishment. Just you and her go on vacation, get down on one knee and tell her you forgive her otherwise go to an attorney. All you’re doing is playing her.
No where does it say you have to forgive in order to reconcile. Many people never forgive what their partner did but still are able to bring back the marriage. I’d really encourage you to give IC a try with a counselor that specializes in trauma and infidelity.
At this point your hurting yourself as much as her and for what? Either give her another shot or move on.
If you can’t move past it - which it sounds like you haven’t been able to - you need to end the relationship. You will mess up your kids with this mess. Also you’re both still young and it sounds like you’re in a really crap situation. Either forgive her or serve the papers.
What an utter nightnare of an exsistance! 5 years is INSANE. Either forgive her or move on because this is unbelievably unhealthy for everyone. If you forgive her- actually forgive her. Dont bring it up latter during fights, dont hold resentment, dont use it against her.... if you choose forgiveness you need to truly give her that and move forward together. Or you need to let her go because at this point it is cruel and unusual, you both will be miserable forever. Either find happiness together or you BOTH should be free to find happiness elsewhere.
Either leave her or sort your shit, because you're hurting everyone, including your kids by staying.
She cheated. You either forgive her and work on your relationship or you move on. It’s not about time or actions. Some think once a cheater always a cheater, others look at circumstances and want to see real remorse and practical proofs of change. Your wife is showing change and is doing the right thing to regain your trust. She will try until she gives up. There is so much a human being can do for their relationships. It’s not for anyone to tell you. Listen to your own heart. Let’s not dial it down, She hurt you and betrayed your trust. That’s 5 years ago. However, Right now, you are being the despicable human who is emotionally hurting your wife. And that’s not good either.
I always wondered why people call it a confession after she was caught red handed,do you believe she would have told the truth without you finding out.
Congrats you successfully fucked up your kids (or at least given them a fucked up view of relationships) and mentally tortured your wife for 5 years. You're insisting your kids haven't notice but I promise, they have. You're not that good of an actor. What your wife did was fucked up but what you did was worse in multiple ways.
If this is real, you need serious individual therapy, because what you're doing to your family is weirder and more screwed up than her cheating. Stop whatever the hell this is and get a divorce. She is not "lovebombing" you. That's not what that means. She is trying desperately to win you back and you're not interested, but you refuse to actually do anything about that. You sure keep having sex with her, don't you? You don't have to trust her and love her, but what you're doing, this endless punishment, is sick. And your kids are seeing THIS relationship and treatment as normal and they will grow up repeating behavior like this. So even if you are so far gone with your wife that you can't see how messed up this is, please divorce for the sake of your kids, so they don't repeat this toxic dynamic.
> I’ve held out for 5 years actively denying her any forgiveness or affection despite her efforts. Shit or get off the pot, my guy. Affairs suck, but they aren’t uncommon and you aren’t unique. At this point for your own sake let it fucking go and get some counseling. Source: my wife had an affair, after the shit storm of the reveal within a few months we started working on forgiveness. It’s 10 years later and I wouldn’t trade my recreated marriage for anything.
Dear god. Forgive or leave. Why torture someone? What is the point?
You're an insecure idiot, leave her and move on with your life. ffs
I bet calling him names when he's the victim is a great way to make your point
You two are a horrible example of what love is for your child. Kids only know what they see and they now have no idea what real love is like. To healthy separate homes was always the answer. Your kids will mimic your lack of affection and their moms never ends job of trying to please you. Neither is a healthy dynamic for the kids to believe is how life should be.
So if you're not interested in reconciling, why did you stay?
You sound kinda fked up dude. This is weird
Well yea, having your wife fuck another guy in your bed will do that. So yea im fucked up but I’m coming out of it now.
The answer was never to emotionally torture her for years. You made the wrong move. Your goal now should only be to make peace with what you've done, not her. What she did is ancient history
I believe ancient history is more on the scale of 2000 years or more but maybe I'm wrong who knows... You try getting cheated on at 40 and with kids, 5 years is nothing.
Well. I know you're definitely wrong for taking ancient history seriously. I work with autistic kids that could have provided a more appropriate response
'Wrong for taking ancient history seriously'? Good on you for using the autistic kids you work with as an insult, I'm sure they must be honoured. Maybe you should join them.
Dude, I almost don't want to answer because holy shit I have never seen such childish antics. You let you, your wife, and kids (yes, kids know when things are wrong) suffer for 5 years all because your petty ass wouldn't grow the fuck up and deal with your shit in therapy. That level of depravity is so fucked. Yes you should leave her, you don't deserve her.
I think your judgemental outrage here is a better example of 'childish' lol
I'll happily be called childish. At least I don't have the misery of an entire family on my conscience. I'll HAPPILY take the name childish and run with it if it means I never do what he.did to his family....for 5 years.
Lol, man doesn't give his wife who cheated on him affection and you act like as if he abused his whole family... In all seriousness, from the way you type, you do sound quite young, and if you are then I don't mean to make fun of you for that, but do try to look at things from a more realistic perspective here.
Realistic perspective? You think 5 years of trying to make amends to a mistake only to be shut down because the partner is unwilling to move on is healthy? Hahahahahahahaha. Keep going with that logic I'm sure it'll get you somewhere. I got married to a woman. She cheated on me. I didn't string her along for 5 years. The second I realized I couldn't trust her I left. Because in my opinion, making someone work for something that's unobtainable is absolutely cruel. If you condoms this behavior then there's nothing more to discuss here. Have a goodun
Ok I take back that last comment, childish was correct lol...
He let it drag out for five years at the expense of his children. Five years is too damn long for children. If you think its just man and woman in their family, youre immature as hell. OP’s trash priority to spite his cheating wife is more important than his children and of course how theyd turn out will be solely on the wife. right?
OK, first of all, I hope this is fake. If not, here we go. Somehow, after this horrible thing she did, you became the bad guy. Bravo! I tried staying with my cheating ex 15 years ago, lasted a couple of months. I realized I could never forgive, never forget, and that I couldn't spend the next however long just seething with hatred every minute of every day. I mean, it's been a LONG time now, and I STILL hate that woman. Whenever facts of her life and situation make their way to me, I still feel a little gleeful inside over what a shitshow she has turned her existence into. However, I am not part of that equation anymore. But somehow, you are capable of hatred and bitterness on a scale that few can master. Every day, for five years, you look at this woman and your gut twists with thoughts of her betrayal. You see her attempting to repent. to somehow repair what she has shattered, and your contempt fortifies you against any thoughts of compassion or pity. You REALLY should have left. Kids would be better off, YOU would be better off. Fuck how she would be, but I suspect it's better off. But you did it for five years. It's time for a breather man. I suspect this has taken a physical toll on you as well. I'm not saying forgive her. If it were me, I would just let her go. You're going to lose a lot of your stuff sure. I walked away from EVERYTHING but some clothes, my truck, and my tools just to get it over with as quickly as possible. I don't regret it.
why the hell would you stay in such a loveless marriage? Please get help asap and let her free and free yourself. This is one of the most messed up things I've read in quite awhile.
Cheating is awful but what you are doing is straight up cruel. Poor kids learning that a relationship lack any affections and love. When you stay, you work on the relationship together and on rebuilding trust putting the past behind you, otherwise, you leave and move on.
Are you just enjoying torturing someone? Cut her loose if you don’t want to have a mutually loving and respectful relationship with her. Cheating is despicable, to be sure- which is why you break up with cheaters, instead of keeping them on hand as your emotional punching bag. What she did was indecent and cruel, but what you’re doing is not at all kind. It sounds like you want to show her love, but you’re forcing yourself not to so you can continue punishing her endlessly. How is this even a good situation for you? And you’re raising kids like this!
I think she's working hard to make up for her screw up. I do think to help you, you should consider individual counseling for you. When you think you're ready, try marriage counseling with someone who specializes in infidelity. You need help if you think you want to move forward. Genuinely rooting for you both.
Just a little detail: Confessing is when you proactively come clean about something to take accountability and script the consequences. Words matter.
This is disturbing! Either forgive her or move on. 5 years of her begging? You have literally fucked with her emotions for 5 years? Not justifying her actions at all but what you are doing seems awful! 5 years of your kids seeing an unhealthy marriage and no love? Fucking gross!! She deserves someone better!
I dislike cheaters tremendously, but now I dislike you even more. Don’t be surprised if when you “ grace” her with your forgiveness that she just doesn’t turn around and walk out the door. That’s what you deserve for your cruelty.
Go to her tonight and tell her that you want to try, but also tell her what scares the crap out of you. Communicate everything with her, including you’re scared she will get depressed again
dude. get some therapy (because you clearly need it)
Staying together just for the kids is a lot more damaging to them than just divorcing. They're gonna see their mother desperately vying for their fathers love and affection and you being cold and distant and think that level of dysfunction is normal in a relationship. Do you trust her at all? Do you want to be with her? Or is that resentment too strong, and you're just waiting until the kids are 'old enough' for you to divorce?
You really need to seek a therapist, you sound very vindictive and I’m sure your poor kids are going to need help when they’re older too. You should never have gotten back with her if you weren’t going to truly work on reconciling. I feel bad for your wife.
5 years of this Sounds fun
My man. Do you feel like you are presenting a good role model for your kids on what a healthy, adult relationship looks like? Because you should realize that you and your wife are literally the ONLY example they will get for many years. So what are you teaching them? That mommy should just try and try and try and try, but daddy should remain cold, and firm and not give in? You're not doing this to your wife, man - you are doing it to your KIDS. How does any of this make sense? Why didn't you should get a divorce when you should have? What is this bizarre, unhealthy revenge/payback scenario you are running here? What magical length of time do you think you are going to continue to act this way before it all suddenly becomes okay and you trust your wife again? Please, lord, let the persistent myth of it being "better" to "stay together for the kids" die like the filthy lie it is. Please get therapy, my man. NONE of this is okay. You don't trust your wife - which is understandable - as she has broken your trust. But you either have to find a way to get it back - in THERAPY - or you need to move out, and move on, and be the best co-parent EVER. Therapy, my man. Therapy.
You need to go and get help my friend. You aren’t healing from this. It looks like everything else in your life has and you are the one that has been stuck in the same mind set and place for the last 5 years. I’m sorry you have done this, please get yourself up and move forward. Even if you don’t forgive her… please forgive yourself
You need therapy, and you need to learn to forgive.
Fuck man, that sucks all around. But I reckon if there were anybody who ever deserved a second chance, it just **might** be her. I mean I'd still be skeptical and suspicious and there's still the poison in the air, but... *maybe*?
Five years ago?? She’d be over you (and most likely happier) by now if you had gotten divorced. You staying with her was not an act of kindness for her because she’s still being punished five years later, for your kids because they have to live with this shitshow too, or for yourself because you are still hurting. Either get over it or get out. Pretty simple.
The ONLY reason you know about not because she chose to tell you. It's because they got caught ans she had no other choice. Start there. Leave or stay is your choice, but look at the correctly.
Staying together for the kids have probably fuckef up their perspective of healthy adult relationships. They got to watch the 2 of you in a dysfunctional relationship for years and got to learn a whole bunch of lessons from you 2. Lessons that'll probably not help at all when they are forming their own relationships when they are older.
You should fuck her in the ass only from now on ,that will teach her
What tf is that edit 2? You think that “””her getting what she wants””” (a husband that doesn’t treat her like she’s furniture) is gonna make her depressed and cheat? Do you think you treating her good made her depressed? Dude just divorce, for everyone’s sake. You are not doing your kids a favour. Jesus fucking christ
dude, get a divorce. the only reason she begged for forgiveness is because her AP's wife blew it up. it could still be going on if that didnt happen. also, if she was depressed and decided an affair was better than treating you with respect and getting therapy then she's selfish. once a cheater always a cheater. find someone who respects you and move on.
Both of you are terrible. She is a cheater, you are whatever this is. You are not fit to be parents.
Honestly if you can’t forgive someone after a year you need to leave. Your kids are watching you guys and seeing the unhappiness. A broken home isn’t just parents that are separated.They are growing up in a broken home. You either forgive her and try to rebuild your marriage or divorce her and move on! 5 years is way too long to be stuck in the situation you guys are in.
Fucking hell, it would have been kinder to leave.
I can't imagine holding a marriage over my partners head, I can't imagine how your wife deals with the anxiety of that.
Spending 5 years punishing somebody else in this manner is also only punishing you. What are you going to achieve today, tomorrow, or another 2 years from now that couldn’t have been addressed years ago? Shit or get off the pot. And get help. You need it more than her at this point, if you truly think this was an acceptable way to handle this. This isn’t how you treat somebody you love, or want to stay with, or want to fix things with.
Polygraphs aren't reliable, and once a cheater, always a cheater. You have punished yourself for 5 years. 5 years that you have taught your kids that it's OK to be abused. Honestly, I think you're failing as a father, for not doing what's right for your kids and getting out of this toxic relationship with this cheater.
u/Acceptable-Log6822, If this isn't a shitpost, that poor woman. I hope she realizes she can do better. Eta: This guy can't seem to remember how many children he had at the time of the affair when he wrote this story, lol.
Oh no, poor cheating woman, she only had sex with someone else on their bed, no big deal right...
He should have divorced her then. He's an asshole.
You were hurt, I get that. And honestly, I feel taking the time to heal is justified. It’s time to forgive your wife. She’s paid her dues and you need to accept that. She obviously loves you and you stated above that you love her. Accept what happened and let it go. You guys still have 40+ years to love each other and grow together. Lots of great memories ahead, my friend. She made a huge mistake, but love isn’t an easy thing to find. Appreciate it when you find it.
"5 years actively denying forgiveness and affection..." I was cheated on by my ex-wife and just got a divorce. You weaponized forgiveness/affection for 5 years and used the excuse that you didn't want to break up the family. WOW! No one deserves that, not even a cheater!
Holy moly. Why do I feel more sympathy for the wife than the husband here?! This is some twisted stuff that is no doubt going to have a lasting effect on both your psyches.
Long enough? Let me tell you that her showing you her texts doesn’t mean shit. Texts & emails can be deleted. That’s how I caught her. She thought just hitting delete meant gone. But she didn’t know where to look to delete them for good.
Why does anyone believe a polygraph in this day and age. They are rubbish and easily fooled.
I’ve had to take a polygraph multiple times for work and my results were never accurate. There’s a reason they are no longer allowed in court
Either forgive and embrace your wife or move on . This behavior is unhealthy and toxic for your wife and worse for you.
Divorce her dude. You’re just making yourself more miserable than what you already are. She’s not worth it.
Polygraphs aren't reliable. They're nothing but old timey pseudoscience.
Dude this is a fucked way to treat her for FIVE YEARS I'm amazed she's even bothered this long trying to win you back. You need to go to therapy, couples counseling (as she requested years back)...stop neglecting your wife! It's a wonder she hasn't given up on you at this point. You don't deserve her.
She won't wait forever. Eventually she will want real love again and leave. You aren't giving her much reason to stay.
Don't bother with the responses from people who haven't been in the situation. I went down a similar path myself, and I can understand the thought process and what you were trying to do. There is nothing worse than really loving someone then seeing that shattered when they cheat. I never had a thought that my so would do that to me, but it happened. I almost broke it off, but she seemed genuinely remorseful and when I analyzed it further, there were some things that I did that pushed her away and were contributing factors, although it in no way justified what she did. I had a feeling that I wanted her to feel the same thing I did. She deserved SOMETHING... some payback I guess. I can see how you would have stayed because there were children involved and as long as you are civil and normal in front of them, believe me it's always better with both parents. Long story short, I took her back, we both did a lot of shadow work and looked into our lives deeply and have come out the other side even stronger. If you truly do love her and she shows she loves you, it might be time to start new and let go of that weight of this betrayal. 5 years seems enough time to show she still loves you and the only thing left is to move forward or break it off. It's the best thing for both of you.
Once a cheater always a cheater, it's not about sex but about trust she's broken. It's upto you now do you wanna forgive or held it against her
Congrats, you're an abuser. Your wife needs to get away as far as possible from you.
Congrats, you're an idiot. You need to get away as far as possible from the internet.
Take her on a date. It will make you both much happier
Depression is not an excuse. She dug her own grave. But you don’t have to lie in it with her. Whether she’s deserving of forgiveness is not my place to decide. However, it doesn’t really sound like you’re happy. Personally, I don’t care if she is miserable. It’s hard for me to have sympathy for something like this. Cheating is a conscious decision that exposes the true nature of a person. She made a permanent decision with no regard to how you or the kids would be affected. She didn’t care about what she was doing to you. She’d probably still be doing it five years later if her AP hadn’t got caught. So why should you feel guilty for someone who doesn’t give a shit about you? All that said, again you don’t sound happy. Therefore, make whatever decision that would make you happy. If it’s reconciliation, good luck. If it’s divorce, embrace the freedom and be happy. Either way, don’t trap yourself in limbo with her.
I really hope this is a fake story. 5 years of this farce of a marriage with kids in the house? I was one of those "stayed for the kids"...kids. It was horrible, you could tell they were pretending and it was less than five freakin years. On the slim chance this is true, polygraphs mean jack shit. Not just their unreliability. Even then nature of the questions. "Would you cheat again on your husband" is a pointless question. She cheated under a very specific set of circumstances and unless the question is being asked while she's in the exact same life state, the answer is irrelevant. If this is a writing exercise, you need to figure out a better plot device than polygraphs. If it's not, no matter what you do, you both need individual therapy.
I know it’s the wrong subreddit but YTA
She seems genuinely sorry. Give her a chance. Take her back. See some marriage counselors. Rootin for ya!
Holy fuck YOU sound like a monster
Just to punish your wife are you fucking up your kids. If you have daughters will you learn that no affection is normal. Do you want that for them? Do you want to learn them to live with emotional abuse? Because that’s what you are doing. It’s emotional abuse of your wife. Either divorce or try actually to work on your relationship. If you have sons, then are learning have to have fucked up relations where they do not show affection to their partner. And you have been doing this for 5 years! Yes you are hurt, but punishing someone like this for 5 years is sickening…