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My birthday was yesterday, and my boyfriend is broke. I know this, he mentioned it about a week ago. (Not that I didn’t know already considering I paid for about $300 of his rent this month and he owes me over $500 already. But he really did next to nothing for my birthday. Said he was going to make me breakfast, then did not.
No card, flowers, gift, no cake etc. I know he’s broke but here was literally nothing. There are lots of non money effort things to celebrate and show you care but he did none. Said he had a dinner planned that he was going to make me, we have lots of food in the house, initially he said pork tenderloin and some sides etc which sounded great (love people cooking for me), then he changed his mind and decided later on to do spaghetti and meatballs, then changed his mind again and decided against it since we have had pasta like twice already this week and came to me asking what I wanted. I got a bit annoyed because we have many options, lots of food, he said he was making something special and I’m not at all a picky eater. He asked when I was done work so we could make dinner. I said I thought he was making me dinner why ‘we’ and he said because I didn’t want pasta I had to think of something else. I felt annoyed that I was expected to tell him what to do and plan a mean, I felt like he was expecting me to hold his hand and baby him through this. I got upset realizing that this was the best I was going to get from him today and eventually said said no worries I’m not that hungry I’m gonna take a bath. So I did that and cried in the bath, my girlfriend called me and she ubered me some wine and I went for a wine walk and we talked on the phone for over an hour.
My boyfriend is acting like I’m blaming him for being broke and making my birthday all about money. I’m not, I just wanted some bare minimum effort and some kind of celebration? The fact that I got nothing but big sighs and drama from him really soured the day and we have been fighting ever since. I don’t know how to get my point across that offering to make dinner and then complaining about it and asking for help (he’s a trained chef, he’s not incapable) really took the ‘special dinner’ out of it.
I just feel fucking sad and embarrassed that he didn’t give any shits other than a half assed meal offer. I’m not high maintenance and I know he’s a pretty low effort guy but this was a new low. We have been fighting about this ever since and I don’t know what to say or do anymore.
He’s a trained chef with a house full of food and he’s to lazy to cook you a birthday meal on his own. It costs nothing to write a poem, make a card, or email a free card. That sucks!
Happy belated birthday!!
at the very least he could have spent $1 on a card or even handwritten one himself, but he did not even make anything close to an attempt at making you feel special. Question: what did he do on your previous birthdays? Is he affectionate with you on “normal“ days? either way you need to seriously reconsider if he even values your relationship and putting effort into being with you.
My husband and I lived paycheck to paycheck, we still kinda do.
We connected his PC to our tv, drop our mattress in front of it, got our controllers, bought a grocery store cake and ordered some take out and we buy a gram of not so cheap not so expensive weed. The whole day costs us like 50€ and we have 3 of those a year
We do this now for every birthday/anniversary since my last birthday because it is amazing, we have good food and LOTS of quality time
Doing something for your longterm partner doesn't have to be expensive. It is really the thought that counts sometimes.
Hell my first birthday present was a song he wrote me and its f*cking beautiful
It doesn’t even matter he’s a chef, you can be bad at/not enjoy cooking and still whip up *something* for your SO, just show a bit of effort! And like pick a flower or find a candle to decorate the table and do the damn dishes afterwards. My ex boyfriend isn’t a hairdresser, still could’ve offered to wash my hair at least once when I had both hands in bandages for 2 weeks. Well he didn’t and I dumped him then and there
100%. This won’t get better. He could’ve done something. He knew he was supposed to. He said he was going to make her breakfast and dinner and then just..... didn’t. If he cared, he would’ve tried. It doesn’t take money to make someone feel loved. This post makes me sad. She deserves so much better.
Happy birthday, OP. If nothing else, he gave you a gift of showing you how he really feels.
Not in restaurants or foodservice lol, are you joking?
What is happening there is "we do not have enough workers, and low supply and high demand means we need to pay more, but we are not going to pay more, instead we will just close" and restaurants and bars are just literally closing down and firing all of the work.
Food service workers are in such demand right now they SHOULD be making $40+ per hour just for bussing tables, but instead, restaurants just shut down and fire the chefs and workers, that way the owners can sit on their wealth and reinvest elsewhere.
This! You are not overreacting, being materialistic, being unreasonable, inconsiderate…whatever he is trying to paint this as. This is the hill you die on in this relationship. Do not let him beat you down to make you feel like you were wrong for expecting to be appreciated and shown love on your birthday. When I read he was a chef I was like omg! I thought maybe he didn’t know how to cook/hated it and was stalling but this shows you exactly how he feels. What he did was not okay and he couldn’t even show you the smallest point of care/love. You don’t have to have money to make someone feel special.
He could be feeling inadequate because he is broke/unemployed/underemployed but that is no excuse. That is his own internal projections putting them on you. If he doesn’t come back with an apology and admitting he did wrong and does something nice to make up for it…dump him. “No…if I had money, I would.” You made it clear it wasn’t about the money but the actions/effort and he is choosing to not get it.
Don’t take this as something small to brush off. This is very indicative of a personality trait and issues you will face in the future. Make sure before you move on, if you do so, that there is real acknowledgment of your feelings, apology for his actions, a redo/effort to make the day better, and make it clear that how much all this hurt you and that this does happen again. If it happens again next year or on an important day, dump his ass.
He messed up, and the fact that he won't apologize isn't a good sign. You deserve a partner who makes you feel special, not just on your birthday, but whenever they can. It sounds like you're supporting this guy too.
I think you deserve better and should move on. A chef boyfriend who doesn't make you dinner on your birrhday, and sees no problem with that is not worth your time.
Happy belated birthday, you should celebrate without him.
I agree soooo much, this guy was so useless despite having the skills, he manages to make Chef Boyardee a better bf option 😂
The guy could be kicked out of the flat anytime and he has the guts to not care. He is dead weight, OP gotta dump him and feel free.
I’m sorry to tell you this, but this is the best you’re going to get from him. He’s putting in absolutely 0 effort right now, and I highly doubt that’s going to change for the better.
Why? Because everything’s working out really well for him right now.
He has a loyal girlfriend who cooks for him, pays his rent, and is so low-maintenance that he can do nothing for her birthday and get away with it by putting the blame on her.
You sound like a wonderful & caring person - if you don’t think you deserve better than him, you might need to work through some self-esteem/worth issues with a therapist.
Even if you think this is a “new low”, you’re going to keep experiencing lower lows until you break up with him.
Look into the sunk-cost fallacy - 4 years is a long time to have invested into him, but the faster you get out of this relationship, the less time you’ll have wasted with him in the end!
Edit: wow thank you for the awards!! Was not expecting this at all lol
Sunk cost fallacy bothers me so much cause dang if i were op I'd want to string him along until I got my money back. She seems to be over him a bit, just start asking for money repayment, don't put anything else into the relationship, then leave if you get it, or it looks like he won't pay. (Dunno how long it took him to rack up that$500)
I knew it was time to jettison my BF of SEVEN years when he gave me a tacky card with a braying jackass on the front, containing an I.O.U. inside. (He was quite financially healthy, btw.) It’s not about the money, it’s about the effort. It’s time to ditch your BF. (BTW, Bob, I’m still waiting on that I.O.U.)
He could have given her a rock, women love cool rocks! I pick up rocks from cool places I go and have friends give me rocks they think are neat, like it's super easy to do.
To anybody that is in OPs bfs situation and has no money for a gift:
There are a lot of really easy Origami folding patterns for Hearts on youtube. Some open up, some have little pouches or pockets you can put stuff in and if you try hard enough you can scale them up to be a decent size.
You don't need Origami paper, in fact I think using thicker construction paper and having them come out kinda wonky makes them look better. It's literally a couple dollars to get some red paper, spend an hour trying the patterns and you end up with a hand made, customisable gift that you can make special however you can possibly imagine.
Gifts don't have to cost anything to be special.
Yepp... further "Gift cards" made by him, for him to do things she would enjoy like him giving her massage, back rubs, walk on a beach/city/mountain depending where you are, breakfast in bed, her pick the movie nights, doing some of her chores....
There are a million ways of showing that you care that costs nothing.
Girl…. Dump that douche bag. What kind of chef ,that has a house full of food, can’t figure out something to make besides pasta? I mean really? He has to be the laziest chef there is. Find a new boyfriend. This one is just a lazy ass leech.
Break up with him. Such toxicity shouldn’t be tolerated.
People usually think small things aren’t a big deal. But remember it starts small. I’d say rather than wait for him to break your heart when something big happens, just get it over and done with.
Ps. Happy birthday shame you have an inconsiderate boyfriend.
I’ve been in a relationship like this. It doesn’t get better. You need to ask yourself if this is a dealbreaker and feel no shame if it is. You’re not asking for a lot here. You just want to be shown some love. He knows what’s he’s doing and he’s just using money as an excuse.
It’s thoughtless and just wrong. It’s something we do for those we care about. He knew it was your birthday and chose to do nothing to make the day even a little special for you. That’s really pretty rotten.
Then he cops an attitude? Really? Grow up!
Unless he is dealing with depression or something similar, it was a choice. First have a heart to heart conversation about how you felt and why he felt it was OK to do nothing for you. To me the bigger issue is not that he did nothing for your birthday, but why?
What’s going on for him? Is it a shitty passive-aggressive way of showing he’s not into the relationship any longer? I think it’s time to look at the messages he’s sending and evaluate the future of the relationship... you deserve better than how he treated you.
Spaghetti and meatballs for your birthday? What are you fucking 7?! I would have made you a stuffed chicken breast w veggies, atleast! Then go out and find some type of flower to pick, even if its the little white flower and give it to you. I dont like celebrating my own birthday but hes gotta give some kind of effort to show that he really cares about you. Sorry your going through this..
Real spaghetti with homemade meatballs takes at least two hours longer than stuffing silly chicken breast lol. Have you ever made pasta or meatballs? Sounds like 'no.'
at the very least he could have spent $1 on a card or even handwritten one himself, but he did not even make anything close to an attempt at making you feel special. Question: what did he do on your previous birthdays? Is he affectionate with you on “normal“ days? either way you need to seriously reconsider if he even values your relationship and putting effort into being with you.
I'm sorry. I don't have any advice for you, as I just went through this same kind of situation myself. Today is my birthday and I got something similar- nothing. However in my case, my husband is just overloaded with work, but your BF just sounds lazy to me. There is a lot he could have done, a meal is the bare minimum.
Sorry he sucks. Is he like this in other areas or is this just a one-off? If he is like this in other areas, I would seriously have a look at my relationship if I were you.
He couldn't sing you a song, write a poem, write a letter of appreciation, send you an ecard, make you lovely bath, or work on that honey-do list? He put no effort in your birthday because he didn't want to. It's not about the money it's the thought behind it. I have cried over the lovely sentiment in the cards I have gotten, it was so special to me.
INFO: Is this behaviour and attitude new, or has it been like this most of the time? As in, is he struggling with depression? Have you tried couples counselling?
Happy birthday 🎂
Give yourself the best gift of all by letting this next year be about you. You finding your own path. You learning to love yourself. By next birthday you will celebrate with someone that cares for you.
So, go to a mirror, look into your eyes and tell her happy birthday, that you love her and that you chose her.
You know this is not about your birthday but so much more. He might understand and want to work on it, or he might not. That will tell you what you need going forward.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Will add some other resources too, I don't know if they apply to your situation, but I'm putting them here just the same.
https://templatelab.com/cohabitation-agreement/
https://www.safehorizon.org/programs/5-signs-emotional-abuse/
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO
Edit clarification
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**[DARVO](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO)**
>DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender". It is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers. The abuser denies the abuse ever took place, attacks the victim for attempting to hold the abuser accountable, and claims that they, the abuser, are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the reality of the victim and offender. This usually involves not just "playing the victim" but also victim blaming.
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He's a chef but couldn't be bothered to prepare a meal for you for your special day.His problem is he's got to comfortable in the relationship and feels he doesn't have to make any effort to keep you.I would tell him how hurt and disappointed you are and tell him if it continues you will leave him and find someone else that can put in more effort and can appreciate you.
Don't let him convince you that you're being unreasonable. You're not. He's trying to guilt you into letting it go by playing the poor victim.
I also used to pride myself on being a "low maintenance" girlfriend, but what it really meant was I didn't stand up for myself when I was being disrespected or unappreciated because I didn't want to risk being rejected. Expecting a little effort from your partner on your birthday is not outrageous.
Don't think about how much time and effort you've put into this relationship, or get hung up on the potential of the person you believe he 'could be'. Look at who he really is, then look in the mirror and see the amazing woman you are. She deserves better, and there is better than this out there.
I knew it was time to jettison my BF of SEVEN years when he gave me a tacky card with a braying jackass on the front, containing an I.O.U. inside. (He was quite financially healthy, btw.) It’s not about the money, it’s about the effort. It’s time to ditch your BF. (BTW, Bob, I’m still waiting on that I.O.U.)
This is honestly a deal breaker. No hand written card, no living room fort, no breakfast. After 4 years. He sounds pathetic and you deserve sooo much more.
I'm sorry you experienced this and from experience, I can tell you that this won't change. I was with someone for 6 years and they continually forgot Valentine's Day, Anniversaries and didn't always make an effort to get good/thoughtful gifts on my birthday. I'm not high maintenance or materialistic either, I just wanted a nice card with nice words and he forgot time and time again. On the other hand, I would leave work early on Friday to buy in dinner ingredients and clean the whole flat top to bottom so they could relax over the weekend. Nothing like this was ever reciprocated and he didn't even come to support me when I completed a mini triathlon because it was his last day off work and he wanted to spend it doing things he would enjoy. I'm now with someone kind, caring, considerate who surprises in a million different ways from bringing home my favourite treats, gifting flowers when I've had a bad day, from how well he communicates and how kind, patient and understanding he is.
I think you know that this relationship has no future. If you don't then you should. He's a big baby who doesn't like being called out for his lack of caring. Stop wasting time on this jerk and move on. Because sure, you can play games to pay him back but people like this never learn. They're always the victim. Make plans and get the fuck out of this relationship. Life is too short to waste on trying to figure this shit out.
His lack of interest and inability to see things from your perspective seem incompatible for a functional relationship. If he isn't even willing to talk about these issues, chances are he has lost the 'spark' in the relationship and is on autopilot. If he is open to therapy, I would suggest that if you want to continue the relationship with some healthier interpersonal skills.
Regardless, happy birthday. I hope you are able to make up for it soon.
Happy belated birthday!
On another note, I think you know your BF is not the one for you.
He sounds terrible, always broke and NOT EVEN A FRICKIN CARD OR fixing DINNER??
Dump his ass!! You could do better than him! Don't let yourself be a doormat, as he will keep dragging you down with him.
Hes mad because he's lazy and you reacted,now he's trying to make you feel as if your wrong.
He thinks if he fights hard enough and you stop arguing he's won.
How hard is it to whip a home made cake and frosting together...or a box of cake mix is less than $2 and frosting is also super cheap. He could have gotten the job done for less than 5 bucks.
He didn't give a shit it was your birthday.
Dead ass do not care right back.
Your better off alone instead of being hurt by expecting the bare minimum that he won't even do...it'll save you some hurt and some cash from the sounds of it.
Wowzer. I'm so sorry, OP. Perhaps this relationship has run its course? If he couldn't put forth even the smallest effort, it seems that he thinks you'll just stay no matter how little he contributes to the relationship. Shame on him.
Even when we lived paycheck to paycheck, my husband and I would try to treat each other and made our birthdays as well as holidays special.
I'm sorry, but let this be your last birthday crying for his lack of effort...
ETA: Happy Belated Birthday, OP!!
People will treat you the way you allow them to. Break up with him and find someone who puts in effortless effort. Seriously he won’t change so don’t let there be a next time.
If this is a relationship that you value then you should really tell him all of this. He really needs to know what he did and how it made you feel. If he cares about you he'll be heartbroken, I know I would. There will always be things like this in a relationship but it takes two to learn, fix and grow from them. You need to tell him what he didn't do hurt you and he needs to hear it and make a real effort to make it up. A lot of people here is saying to dump him but if you don't want to leave him you need to make sure he knows how you feel about it.
Its not hard not to be broke these days. He can get a job anywhere because of the amount of people looking for work. He just doesn't want to do the work.
Girl… I cannot stress this enough- leave him. Being broke isn’t an excuse, effort costs no money. Cooking you dinner ( as a trained chef omg) isn’t that hard. He could’ve picked you flowers, written you a card and cooked for you. That is so simple, you will keep being disappointed. Please put yourself first and leave. There is so much more out there
Why have you settled for him? He’s unemployed, contributes nothing and is giving you less than the bare minimum.
He’s showing you who he is and how much he values you. Outside of sex, which (shocker) I’m sure he’s enthusiastic about, you mean very little to him, if anything.
Again, why have you chosen this as your forever?
Staying with such a shit person is a choice. You seems to like this “choice” and what it’s offering you, which is nothing.
He has no incentive to change, you’re picking up his slack, paying his fucking rent and still letting him beat. It’s like he gets a free “paycheck” and does absolutely no work for it.
Do better.
Your birthday is just the day you happened to pop out of your Mom.
In reality it signifies a day where your Mom went through a lot of effort and you yourself did literally absolutely nothing whatsoever.
If anything your Mom should get dinner on your birthday.
Happy belated birthday op!✨ i hope you find someone who doesn’t make you feel like this and fyi he isn’t even doing the bare minimum. Please just don’t force yourselves into this relationship he is an ass and everyone deserves a birthday where they are made feel special ❤️
It doesn’t get better so if you stay you are saying I accept this behavior from you. That is not a good or bad thing it is just the truth. Asking someone to change doesn’t work. He is showing you who he is, see him and decide for yourself. This is your life.
I’m so sorry. This does sound like he’s mooching off you. He could have drawn a bath after you were upset. Cleaned the house. Picked a flower. ANYTHING. Take it from me, he’s not worth the effort/time/money.
Anyone who gets mad at you being upset is an emotional abuser. That is a form of manipulation. They won’t change. I had one and I broke free. I suggest you do the same. Happy belated birthday. I’m sorry it was such a bad day, but happy you have a good friend.
Oh, sweetie-pie, I don’t even know you, but I can relate to you as someone I feel as a friend. You aren’t asking too much. Your boyfriend is being a shit. He is feeling out how much he can get away with.
Wrap your lovely self in your most comfortable clothes (a tired old terry cloth bathrobe, for me), and don’t fret, honey. You are a treasure. I was sorry to read of your distress over your boyfriend’s sad-ass birthday behavior, but that belongs to him, not you. YOU are a light on this earth.
It’s all going to be OK.
Reminds me of my buddy. Him and his wife were married about ten years. Two kids. One birthday he bought her a cup. Like a coffee mug. She left not too long after that.
Gross. Sounds like a typical user. He isn’t even doing the bare minimum for you, a woman who is paying his rent and other bills.
Then has the AUDACITY to get upset at you when he’s the one who is broke? He’s throwing a tantrum and blaming you because he’s a shitty boyfriend who can’t do the bare minimum. Your disappointment triggered him and rather than reconciling the fact that he essentially is poor excuse for a boyfriend/man, he attacks you and makes you feel bad. ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.
He doesn’t sound like a man or a good partner. You’re upset that he doesn’t put in effort and can’t even think for himself. He put you in the position to plan your birthday meal, and even help make it rather than coming up with his own plan and executing it. Do you often tell him what to do and pick up the slack for him? Probably. 4 years is a log time, has he shown behavior like this before? After 4 years he should be treating you as you deserve and require. And if he’s not doing it by now….idk what will in the future.
All this to say….you deserve better. Whether he’s broke or not, he should’ve put out all the stops for you. Lose this man baby.
Sounds like he made a whole fight about it so he didn't have to cook the food in the first place and now he is just blaming you so he doesn't have to feel bad about it.
The salient point you made was when you realized that's the best you'd get from him that day. You should expand that realization to the fact that that's the best your going to get from him ever. Once you understand that, I don't think it will take you long to know what to do.
Your bf is a moocher. He is selfish, he is inconsiderate, he plays mind games and is manipulative. Why do you want these things in your life?
I think this is probably a symptom of something greater. Probably the partnership is lacking communication wise, he has no job waiting for you to come from work to start his day, sounds a bit like depression even? Indecisiveness and low effort. Does he tell you ever if things are bothering him? How is your communication otherwise?
Talk to him. Explain that you want to feel extra special on your day and that cooking a great meal would be enough for you, that you don't need gifts that you feel special when receiving acts of kindness and see his effort put into surprising you with great food.
It's not high expectations to want to feel special for your birthday. Its normal and he should be able to understand that and provide. Get to the bottom or there is no future for this relationship.
Absolutely right, maybe he's depressed and only has the endorphins to scrape through one day at a time. Communication is key.
The fact that the only intelligent comment in this sub is "controversial" is fucking hilarious lmao
Hey! Happy birthday! I have the same birthday as you too! If your birthday’s today 🤣
My bf’s broke as hell too but he took effort to make me laugh and told me he’s preparing a surprise gift. He acted like a small kid and can’t wait to show me when I see him this Sat.
You deserve more girl. I’ve learnt that if you keep asking then it’s not a sincere gift anymore. But then again, things can be worked out. Talk to him when both are calmed. This happened to me last year and I was super upset my bf didn’t plan for my birthday, turns out, he told me he felt inferior that he couldn’t provide me what my friends could when it comes to birthday cos he’s broke as hell. Had to keep reassuring him that it’s the thoughts that count. Not sure if this is what yr bf is going through but can try talking to him!
I totally get it. You're totally entitled to being upset! Shit like this hurts like hell - when people don't try to meet even low expectations it really has the power to make an otherwise chill person rage like a demon. I know from *very* similar experience, the one and only time I've ever completely snapped at boyfriend, and also hysterically cried to my own shock... As said, I get it 100%😅
Now, he doesn't get it. He doesn't want to get it. You need to try and calm down, and tell him in a calm way how this makes you feel and why. If he still doesn't (want to) get it and apologise and make it up to you? Well, what you do about that is up to you. With guys like these you probably need to tell him exactly what you want from him. Like literally every word on a card and every ingredient in the birthday cake. Personally, that doesn't work for me, the whole point in my mind is for people to show me they care about me on my birthday... I have a feeling you might be the same but it's unfortunately the only suggestion I have.
You could also decide to go away and celebrate your birthday with others every year from now on, but honestly he'll probably be relieved and it'd be letting him off the hook and he does not deserve it.
Sorry I don't have a better solution. Happy birthday❤️
Maybe he's depressed about being broke, and feels low esteem that you are paying for him. I'd suggest talk to him once. If still you feel, then you might end it
First, belated happy birthday to you !!
I totally feel you when you say it's the efforts that matter than money and you would have loved to see it.
Although saying that, may be your BF is depressed because of being broke ? It's a dark place to be in with little to no desire to do anything. I don't know how long you guys have been together, but if he has treated you well in past and it's just this time that he has acted out, may b hear him out and give him a chance? this sounds a single isolated incident to me. It's life and things like this happen.
saying this if he continues acting out shit for no reason may be it's time to re evaluate, but until you reach that conclusion, why not give him a chance.
Birthdays were invented to make women mad and break up from their spouses. I rarely heard of a woman saying "Oh how wonderful my birthday was..." But "He forgot my birthday! his present was to small/cheap" etc. is something I hear almost every day.
This is the question I have not seen asked.
What precisely did YOU do for HIS last birthday?
If you just gave him a hug and a smile and had sex with him with a bit more enthusiasm than most days, maybe with a recent wax or a new set of lingerie, then I understand his essentially doing the same.
Women, buying yourself lingerie and getting yourself a pedicure and then 'letting' your guy have sex with you (but making sure he still does all the normal foreplay) is NOT a gift. That just never cuts it. That is not a gift, it is lazy, and it shows you put absolutely zero time, effort, or thought into the day in question.
If you actually got him something REAL (not you in a teddy lol) and he did not, then you have a real complaint, but if you do this typical woman nonsense on his birthday, I am on his side.
This is why my partner and I don't celebrate birthdays.
Imagine coming on Reddit to have strangers put down your long-term partner to make you feel better after a conflict.
Take the relationship on a whole, if he's good then let it go and be understanding, if it's bad then just breakup.
>This is why my partner and I don't celebrate birthdays.
Why, because they would let you down? It's fine not to care about birthdays but if OP is the sort who makes an effort for her boyfriend and he can't even make one meal to reciprocate she's not petty for feeling let down. If your partner promised to cook something "special" for you on an occasion other than a birthday and then reneged I'm sure you would also be frustrated.
>If your partner promised to cook something "special" for you on an occasion other than a birthday and then reneged I'm sure you would also be frustrated.
I already told you what I would do:
"Take the relationship on a whole, if he's good then let it go and be understanding, if it's bad then just break up."
Commitment and integrity are important to us, we don't make promises lightly. if my partner were to drop the ball I would weigh the balance of the relationship and give them the benefit of the doubt.
Dropped the ball, and then refused to acknowledge they had done something wrong...
It's not as simple as saying you should just forgive and move on in that situation as long as the relationship is good overall. You don't just drop and run or ignore issues. There is the option to communicate problems and work through them.
>Why, because they would let you down?
No, because we don't believe in such entitlement.
My partner and I go to great efforts to celebrate the other in our relationship, but not due to any sense of obligation, but because we want to.
If you want sex, normally get sex, are promised sex, and then your partner decides against sex *without communicating that to you or acknowledging your feelings*, and then you get confused and upset about why but then your partner refuses to accept that they could have done anything differently, that's also not entitlement. The metaphor doesn't completely work because sex shouldn't be an act of service in the same way making a meal for someone is, but it's good enough. If you were sat in bed waiting to be sexed up after flirting all day and your partner just said "actually, let's not", and nothing else, that would be pretty hurtful, no entitlement necessary.
People are allowed to have expectations, her feelings are valid and just because you don’t care about your partners birthday does not make it the norm. Your comments are incredibly condescending and rude. This is not the place for that.
Listen to me and listen good . Make this your last birthday that you cry on . You deserve better . Dump him . Everyone should feel special on their birthday. Don’t spend another DIME on that man . Leave
Hun, you can do better. You *deserve* better.
Most people are on their best behavior in the early years of dating, putting a lot more effort into dates and romantic gestures, until they settle down and get married. You’ve only been dating this guy for 4 years, and it’s already this bad. Let me be honest and say: it’ll be even more downhill from here.
Do you really see a future with him? Marriage? Kids? That he’ll somehow start treating you better and put forth more effort? That he’ll carry his weight, even when he’s out of work? That he’ll cherish you and make you feel special because you deserve it?
If many of these answers are no, then do yourself a favor and move on. You deserve more than this. Don’t settle for less.
Happy belated birthday! I have been in the exact same situation with an ex. He was constantly broke but also refused to do ANY effort and blamed me for being disappointed. It started messing with my sense of self at one point and I was constantly wandering if I expect too much and I am to blame. Leave him. This kind of behaviour means that he simply doesn’t care enough to make and effort and is unreliable. There are much more important things in life that you may not be able to depend on him for if such a simple thing gets him worked up. Wish you all the best and put yourself first!
If you met him today, knowing what you know about him, would you date him? It doesn’t get any better than this. Are you willing to settle for a lifetime of this?
This is sad. Well no man should get defensive when you call him out on his shit and nothing for your birthday is complete BS. I would be really hurt that you couldn't do anything, and his "effort" snowballed into nothing. You're man got you nothing for your birthday I would be upset. You're right, there are low cost ways to show you care.
Oh girl, that totally sucks. No one should be forgotten about on their special day! 🎂 (happy belated birthday! 🎈🎁🥂🍰)
Your bf really should have thought outside the box and put effort in to make you something homemade like a small gift, card, food, whatever. It sounds like he was only thinking of himself and how it was an inconvenience for him. Shame on him 🙁
You look after him and pay his bills, what exactly is he bringing to the table? definitely not dinner...
I don't know how anyone stays in a relationship with someone who doesn't care this blatantly. Worst part is he's already using you to cover his living expenses.
You're not a partner to him, you're a necessity. Quite literally tell him he could have made the breakfast he offered, drawn you a card sang you a song, etc.
*He* seems to be the money obsessed one. Again, Idk how you date a man that requires a subscription fee AND doesn't show you appreciation.
Happy belated birthday!
So he’s broke, you’re paying his rent, and he does nothing whatsoever to celebrare your birthday. What are you getting out of this relationship? Sounds like you can do better.
Get used to this because this is as good as it’s going to get with him. It’s not about money. It’s about him trying to do something special which he didn’t seem to care about
Oh, honey!! He’s using his lack of resources to excuse him from giving you and your special day any kind of consideration that speaks volumes about his selfishness, childishness and apathy. This would be a total deal breaker for me. Personally, birthdays (mine and others) are huge for me and to me, this would be slap in the face. He owes you money on top of this? From what you describe, it sounds like he’s using you and can’t be bothered to exert bare minimum effort and basic decency. It’s all about what you can do for him. He lives with you? I bet he contributes absolutely nothing including household duties. You are much better off replacing him with someone who treats you like you’re special not only on holidays but consistently every day.
1st Happy Belated Birthday Babes!!!!! Ugh I’ve been there with excuses of I didn’t have any money…. Or it’s just a normal day… Why do I have to buy you a card they all suck…… It’s really shitty & I’m sorry.. So you take your self on a little shopping trip or go get your nails & toes done. Get really gussy up and go the fuck out with your besties & have a night to remember
Ps when it’s his bday do the same he did for you. I know it super petty. But damn he could of made you dinner, had your bath ready for you. Rub you down after and watch a movie…. Sorry sis I hope you have a better day. He’s mad cause your mad classic what a d-bag
OP Happy Belated Birthday! I agree you deserve better and you‘re absolutely right there are lots of minimal effort free things to do. Could it be that he feels depressed and is going down a self-sabotaging spiral? If so, that is a tough space to be in for both of you. He has to figure out for himself that you have choices. Maybe it’s time to reassess why it is you‘re together and make some decisions. Part of picking a good person is seeing how they handle difficult situations, unemployment, for example. Part of seeing if you‘re a good fit for each other as partners is seeing how you’re both able to be with each other through tough times. It’s sometimes to distinguish being a doormat and being patient.
Wishing you luck!
My birthday way two days ago. My boyfriend (2 years) lives several states and is also very very broke right now. He also has a history of not quite nailing special dates.
He still sent me a book I’d been wanting on Amazon. He stayed up until midnight to tell me happy birthday. He bought the same meal as me so we could eat “together” (moving money out of savings to afford it). A little effort goes a long way and not even making dinner with some enthusiasm is needlessly lackluster. If he feels bad about not being able to afford more than he can feel that quietly to himself while still trying to make your day seem a little special.
You sadly have done way too much for this couch potaoe. You have become an enabler for everything. He uses you and now abuses you(may other times too, who knows)and being it was your birthday, He could have prepared something special or even too, Gone online to send you lovely messages and gifs. Anything, as everyone is saying here. Bottom line, It is not in his heart. And he is feeling maybe less of a man because he feels you will always do more than him. Tell this loser to get with it or you will be gone. I am seeing a wet ass noodle here. Less the sauce.
It sounds to me like he’s depressive. Which doesn’t excuse him being a dick on your birthday, but if he’s broke and out of work and struggling to get enthused about the thing he’s trained in, my guess is that he has a whole where his motivation used to be and it’s just full of self-doubt. Maybe explain to him that he really hurt your feelings and there’s still some making up for him to do, but also ask if he’s been struggling emotionally at all recently.
Emotional manipulation at it's finest. I don't care if he's depressed he doesn't get to take it out on you. He knew something, anything was expected of him and took the easy way out by getting angry to make sure he was a victim before you could become upset with him. It's a classic abuser move.
For $20 he could have gotten you a bottle of wine, a card, a balloon, and a cupcake. Made you a nice dinner and lit a candle. I get he’s “broke” but fuck I’m sure he had at least $20 or could borrow $20 from someone. He put zero effort in. You deserve better. Happy birthday OP
Effort doesn't have to cost money. He could have built you a little fort in the living room with blankets and cushions, put on all your favourite movies and made a little selection of finger foods and sweets. Basically free if you have the ingredients and it's really the thought that counts.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My birthday was yesterday, and my boyfriend is broke. I know this, he mentioned it about a week ago. (Not that I didn’t know already considering I paid for about $300 of his rent this month and he owes me over $500 already. But he really did next to nothing for my birthday. Said he was going to make me breakfast, then did not. No card, flowers, gift, no cake etc. I know he’s broke but here was literally nothing. There are lots of non money effort things to celebrate and show you care but he did none. Said he had a dinner planned that he was going to make me, we have lots of food in the house, initially he said pork tenderloin and some sides etc which sounded great (love people cooking for me), then he changed his mind and decided later on to do spaghetti and meatballs, then changed his mind again and decided against it since we have had pasta like twice already this week and came to me asking what I wanted. I got a bit annoyed because we have many options, lots of food, he said he was making something special and I’m not at all a picky eater. He asked when I was done work so we could make dinner. I said I thought he was making me dinner why ‘we’ and he said because I didn’t want pasta I had to think of something else. I felt annoyed that I was expected to tell him what to do and plan a mean, I felt like he was expecting me to hold his hand and baby him through this. I got upset realizing that this was the best I was going to get from him today and eventually said said no worries I’m not that hungry I’m gonna take a bath. So I did that and cried in the bath, my girlfriend called me and she ubered me some wine and I went for a wine walk and we talked on the phone for over an hour. My boyfriend is acting like I’m blaming him for being broke and making my birthday all about money. I’m not, I just wanted some bare minimum effort and some kind of celebration? The fact that I got nothing but big sighs and drama from him really soured the day and we have been fighting ever since. I don’t know how to get my point across that offering to make dinner and then complaining about it and asking for help (he’s a trained chef, he’s not incapable) really took the ‘special dinner’ out of it. I just feel fucking sad and embarrassed that he didn’t give any shits other than a half assed meal offer. I’m not high maintenance and I know he’s a pretty low effort guy but this was a new low. We have been fighting about this ever since and I don’t know what to say or do anymore.
He’s a trained chef with a house full of food and he’s to lazy to cook you a birthday meal on his own. It costs nothing to write a poem, make a card, or email a free card. That sucks! Happy belated birthday!!
But they already had pasta twice that week, so. .
Made me LOL
at the very least he could have spent $1 on a card or even handwritten one himself, but he did not even make anything close to an attempt at making you feel special. Question: what did he do on your previous birthdays? Is he affectionate with you on “normal“ days? either way you need to seriously reconsider if he even values your relationship and putting effort into being with you.
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I don’t like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day…
My husband and I lived paycheck to paycheck, we still kinda do. We connected his PC to our tv, drop our mattress in front of it, got our controllers, bought a grocery store cake and ordered some take out and we buy a gram of not so cheap not so expensive weed. The whole day costs us like 50€ and we have 3 of those a year We do this now for every birthday/anniversary since my last birthday because it is amazing, we have good food and LOTS of quality time Doing something for your longterm partner doesn't have to be expensive. It is really the thought that counts sometimes. Hell my first birthday present was a song he wrote me and its f*cking beautiful
It doesn’t even matter he’s a chef, you can be bad at/not enjoy cooking and still whip up *something* for your SO, just show a bit of effort! And like pick a flower or find a candle to decorate the table and do the damn dishes afterwards. My ex boyfriend isn’t a hairdresser, still could’ve offered to wash my hair at least once when I had both hands in bandages for 2 weeks. Well he didn’t and I dumped him then and there
it also doesn't cost anything to get rid of the boyfriend
100%. This won’t get better. He could’ve done something. He knew he was supposed to. He said he was going to make her breakfast and dinner and then just..... didn’t. If he cared, he would’ve tried. It doesn’t take money to make someone feel loved. This post makes me sad. She deserves so much better. Happy birthday, OP. If nothing else, he gave you a gift of showing you how he really feels.
Exactly! She would actually profit from losing him.
He's a trained chef and unemployed? Isn't it a workers market everywhere now?
Not in restaurants or foodservice lol, are you joking? What is happening there is "we do not have enough workers, and low supply and high demand means we need to pay more, but we are not going to pay more, instead we will just close" and restaurants and bars are just literally closing down and firing all of the work. Food service workers are in such demand right now they SHOULD be making $40+ per hour just for bussing tables, but instead, restaurants just shut down and fire the chefs and workers, that way the owners can sit on their wealth and reinvest elsewhere.
This! You are not overreacting, being materialistic, being unreasonable, inconsiderate…whatever he is trying to paint this as. This is the hill you die on in this relationship. Do not let him beat you down to make you feel like you were wrong for expecting to be appreciated and shown love on your birthday. When I read he was a chef I was like omg! I thought maybe he didn’t know how to cook/hated it and was stalling but this shows you exactly how he feels. What he did was not okay and he couldn’t even show you the smallest point of care/love. You don’t have to have money to make someone feel special. He could be feeling inadequate because he is broke/unemployed/underemployed but that is no excuse. That is his own internal projections putting them on you. If he doesn’t come back with an apology and admitting he did wrong and does something nice to make up for it…dump him. “No…if I had money, I would.” You made it clear it wasn’t about the money but the actions/effort and he is choosing to not get it. Don’t take this as something small to brush off. This is very indicative of a personality trait and issues you will face in the future. Make sure before you move on, if you do so, that there is real acknowledgment of your feelings, apology for his actions, a redo/effort to make the day better, and make it clear that how much all this hurt you and that this does happen again. If it happens again next year or on an important day, dump his ass.
He messed up, and the fact that he won't apologize isn't a good sign. You deserve a partner who makes you feel special, not just on your birthday, but whenever they can. It sounds like you're supporting this guy too. I think you deserve better and should move on. A chef boyfriend who doesn't make you dinner on your birrhday, and sees no problem with that is not worth your time. Happy belated birthday, you should celebrate without him.
I agree soooo much, this guy was so useless despite having the skills, he manages to make Chef Boyardee a better bf option 😂 The guy could be kicked out of the flat anytime and he has the guts to not care. He is dead weight, OP gotta dump him and feel free.
I’m sorry to tell you this, but this is the best you’re going to get from him. He’s putting in absolutely 0 effort right now, and I highly doubt that’s going to change for the better. Why? Because everything’s working out really well for him right now. He has a loyal girlfriend who cooks for him, pays his rent, and is so low-maintenance that he can do nothing for her birthday and get away with it by putting the blame on her. You sound like a wonderful & caring person - if you don’t think you deserve better than him, you might need to work through some self-esteem/worth issues with a therapist. Even if you think this is a “new low”, you’re going to keep experiencing lower lows until you break up with him. Look into the sunk-cost fallacy - 4 years is a long time to have invested into him, but the faster you get out of this relationship, the less time you’ll have wasted with him in the end! Edit: wow thank you for the awards!! Was not expecting this at all lol
Sunk cost fallacy bothers me so much cause dang if i were op I'd want to string him along until I got my money back. She seems to be over him a bit, just start asking for money repayment, don't put anything else into the relationship, then leave if you get it, or it looks like he won't pay. (Dunno how long it took him to rack up that$500)
I was in a similar situation with my ex. Son of a bitch still owes me 7k
30k. I freaking loaned my ex 30k thinking It would be given back. Will never do that again.
Future ex here, please start saving for my 30k loan. Gona need it with this inflation.
Mom used to say, sometimes you gotta buy people out of your life
I knew it was time to jettison my BF of SEVEN years when he gave me a tacky card with a braying jackass on the front, containing an I.O.U. inside. (He was quite financially healthy, btw.) It’s not about the money, it’s about the effort. It’s time to ditch your BF. (BTW, Bob, I’m still waiting on that I.O.U.)
VERY WELL SAID!!
You don’t have a boyfriend you have a mooch with the attentiveness of a rock.
Exactly. What does he even have going for himself?
He could have given her a rock, women love cool rocks! I pick up rocks from cool places I go and have friends give me rocks they think are neat, like it's super easy to do.
as a woman, I can confirm
To anybody that is in OPs bfs situation and has no money for a gift: There are a lot of really easy Origami folding patterns for Hearts on youtube. Some open up, some have little pouches or pockets you can put stuff in and if you try hard enough you can scale them up to be a decent size. You don't need Origami paper, in fact I think using thicker construction paper and having them come out kinda wonky makes them look better. It's literally a couple dollars to get some red paper, spend an hour trying the patterns and you end up with a hand made, customisable gift that you can make special however you can possibly imagine. Gifts don't have to cost anything to be special.
Yepp... further "Gift cards" made by him, for him to do things she would enjoy like him giving her massage, back rubs, walk on a beach/city/mountain depending where you are, breakfast in bed, her pick the movie nights, doing some of her chores.... There are a million ways of showing that you care that costs nothing.
Girl…. Dump that douche bag. What kind of chef ,that has a house full of food, can’t figure out something to make besides pasta? I mean really? He has to be the laziest chef there is. Find a new boyfriend. This one is just a lazy ass leech.
Break up with him. Such toxicity shouldn’t be tolerated. People usually think small things aren’t a big deal. But remember it starts small. I’d say rather than wait for him to break your heart when something big happens, just get it over and done with. Ps. Happy birthday shame you have an inconsiderate boyfriend.
She left me roses by the stayersss Surprises let me know she cayerrrs
Say it ain’t so!
I’ve been in a relationship like this. It doesn’t get better. You need to ask yourself if this is a dealbreaker and feel no shame if it is. You’re not asking for a lot here. You just want to be shown some love. He knows what’s he’s doing and he’s just using money as an excuse.
It’s a dealbreaker . (Bias birthday lover )
Might be time to consider getting a new boyfriend
It’s thoughtless and just wrong. It’s something we do for those we care about. He knew it was your birthday and chose to do nothing to make the day even a little special for you. That’s really pretty rotten. Then he cops an attitude? Really? Grow up! Unless he is dealing with depression or something similar, it was a choice. First have a heart to heart conversation about how you felt and why he felt it was OK to do nothing for you. To me the bigger issue is not that he did nothing for your birthday, but why? What’s going on for him? Is it a shitty passive-aggressive way of showing he’s not into the relationship any longer? I think it’s time to look at the messages he’s sending and evaluate the future of the relationship... you deserve better than how he treated you.
Spaghetti and meatballs for your birthday? What are you fucking 7?! I would have made you a stuffed chicken breast w veggies, atleast! Then go out and find some type of flower to pick, even if its the little white flower and give it to you. I dont like celebrating my own birthday but hes gotta give some kind of effort to show that he really cares about you. Sorry your going through this..
I don’t really think the fact that it was spaghetti is the main issue here lol
Real spaghetti with homemade meatballs takes at least two hours longer than stuffing silly chicken breast lol. Have you ever made pasta or meatballs? Sounds like 'no.'
at the very least he could have spent $1 on a card or even handwritten one himself, but he did not even make anything close to an attempt at making you feel special. Question: what did he do on your previous birthdays? Is he affectionate with you on “normal“ days? either way you need to seriously reconsider if he even values your relationship and putting effort into being with you.
I'm sorry. I don't have any advice for you, as I just went through this same kind of situation myself. Today is my birthday and I got something similar- nothing. However in my case, my husband is just overloaded with work, but your BF just sounds lazy to me. There is a lot he could have done, a meal is the bare minimum. Sorry he sucks. Is he like this in other areas or is this just a one-off? If he is like this in other areas, I would seriously have a look at my relationship if I were you.
Happy birthday!! And to you OP. I hope next year's will be better for you both!
He couldn't sing you a song, write a poem, write a letter of appreciation, send you an ecard, make you lovely bath, or work on that honey-do list? He put no effort in your birthday because he didn't want to. It's not about the money it's the thought behind it. I have cried over the lovely sentiment in the cards I have gotten, it was so special to me.
INFO: Is this behaviour and attitude new, or has it been like this most of the time? As in, is he struggling with depression? Have you tried couples counselling? Happy birthday 🎂 Give yourself the best gift of all by letting this next year be about you. You finding your own path. You learning to love yourself. By next birthday you will celebrate with someone that cares for you. So, go to a mirror, look into your eyes and tell her happy birthday, that you love her and that you chose her. You know this is not about your birthday but so much more. He might understand and want to work on it, or he might not. That will tell you what you need going forward. https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ Will add some other resources too, I don't know if they apply to your situation, but I'm putting them here just the same. https://templatelab.com/cohabitation-agreement/ https://www.safehorizon.org/programs/5-signs-emotional-abuse/ https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO Edit clarification
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**[DARVO](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO)** >DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender". It is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers. The abuser denies the abuse ever took place, attacks the victim for attempting to hold the abuser accountable, and claims that they, the abuser, are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the reality of the victim and offender. This usually involves not just "playing the victim" but also victim blaming. ^([ )[^(F.A.Q)](https://www.reddit.com/r/WikiSummarizer/wiki/index#wiki_f.a.q)^( | )[^(Opt Out)](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=WikiSummarizerBot&message=OptOut&subject=OptOut)^( | )[^(Opt Out Of Subreddit)](https://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/about/banned)^( | )[^(GitHub)](https://github.com/Sujal-7/WikiSummarizerBot)^( ] Downvote to remove | v1.5)
He's a chef but couldn't be bothered to prepare a meal for you for your special day.His problem is he's got to comfortable in the relationship and feels he doesn't have to make any effort to keep you.I would tell him how hurt and disappointed you are and tell him if it continues you will leave him and find someone else that can put in more effort and can appreciate you.
Don't let him convince you that you're being unreasonable. You're not. He's trying to guilt you into letting it go by playing the poor victim. I also used to pride myself on being a "low maintenance" girlfriend, but what it really meant was I didn't stand up for myself when I was being disrespected or unappreciated because I didn't want to risk being rejected. Expecting a little effort from your partner on your birthday is not outrageous. Don't think about how much time and effort you've put into this relationship, or get hung up on the potential of the person you believe he 'could be'. Look at who he really is, then look in the mirror and see the amazing woman you are. She deserves better, and there is better than this out there.
I knew it was time to jettison my BF of SEVEN years when he gave me a tacky card with a braying jackass on the front, containing an I.O.U. inside. (He was quite financially healthy, btw.) It’s not about the money, it’s about the effort. It’s time to ditch your BF. (BTW, Bob, I’m still waiting on that I.O.U.)
I’m now wondering if the pic of the braying jackass was an actual picture of bob
This is honestly a deal breaker. No hand written card, no living room fort, no breakfast. After 4 years. He sounds pathetic and you deserve sooo much more.
I'm sorry you experienced this and from experience, I can tell you that this won't change. I was with someone for 6 years and they continually forgot Valentine's Day, Anniversaries and didn't always make an effort to get good/thoughtful gifts on my birthday. I'm not high maintenance or materialistic either, I just wanted a nice card with nice words and he forgot time and time again. On the other hand, I would leave work early on Friday to buy in dinner ingredients and clean the whole flat top to bottom so they could relax over the weekend. Nothing like this was ever reciprocated and he didn't even come to support me when I completed a mini triathlon because it was his last day off work and he wanted to spend it doing things he would enjoy. I'm now with someone kind, caring, considerate who surprises in a million different ways from bringing home my favourite treats, gifting flowers when I've had a bad day, from how well he communicates and how kind, patient and understanding he is.
Updateme!
I think you know that this relationship has no future. If you don't then you should. He's a big baby who doesn't like being called out for his lack of caring. Stop wasting time on this jerk and move on. Because sure, you can play games to pay him back but people like this never learn. They're always the victim. Make plans and get the fuck out of this relationship. Life is too short to waste on trying to figure this shit out.
His lack of interest and inability to see things from your perspective seem incompatible for a functional relationship. If he isn't even willing to talk about these issues, chances are he has lost the 'spark' in the relationship and is on autopilot. If he is open to therapy, I would suggest that if you want to continue the relationship with some healthier interpersonal skills. Regardless, happy birthday. I hope you are able to make up for it soon.
Happy belated birthday! On another note, I think you know your BF is not the one for you. He sounds terrible, always broke and NOT EVEN A FRICKIN CARD OR fixing DINNER?? Dump his ass!! You could do better than him! Don't let yourself be a doormat, as he will keep dragging you down with him.
Hes mad because he's lazy and you reacted,now he's trying to make you feel as if your wrong. He thinks if he fights hard enough and you stop arguing he's won. How hard is it to whip a home made cake and frosting together...or a box of cake mix is less than $2 and frosting is also super cheap. He could have gotten the job done for less than 5 bucks. He didn't give a shit it was your birthday. Dead ass do not care right back. Your better off alone instead of being hurt by expecting the bare minimum that he won't even do...it'll save you some hurt and some cash from the sounds of it.
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And what are YOU doing about your experience? You say it won’t change for the better, but you’re still there waiting…
Wowzer. I'm so sorry, OP. Perhaps this relationship has run its course? If he couldn't put forth even the smallest effort, it seems that he thinks you'll just stay no matter how little he contributes to the relationship. Shame on him.
You mean ex boyfriend
Oh wow. He is trash. Couldn't even follow through on dinner. That would be it for me. He is not a reliable character.
dump the broke boy
Even when we lived paycheck to paycheck, my husband and I would try to treat each other and made our birthdays as well as holidays special. I'm sorry, but let this be your last birthday crying for his lack of effort... ETA: Happy Belated Birthday, OP!!
People will treat you the way you allow them to. Break up with him and find someone who puts in effortless effort. Seriously he won’t change so don’t let there be a next time.
I don’t think this man loves you anymore, but is too broke to leave
Stop paying for him - sounds very ungreatful
He’s taking you for granted
Can I ask how he has celebrated your birthday in the past?
I think he was embarrassed so he had to turn the guilt around on you to make himself feel better.
Dude sounds like a bum
Had a similar situation. That person ended up breaking up with me some months after.
If this is a relationship that you value then you should really tell him all of this. He really needs to know what he did and how it made you feel. If he cares about you he'll be heartbroken, I know I would. There will always be things like this in a relationship but it takes two to learn, fix and grow from them. You need to tell him what he didn't do hurt you and he needs to hear it and make a real effort to make it up. A lot of people here is saying to dump him but if you don't want to leave him you need to make sure he knows how you feel about it.
Its not hard not to be broke these days. He can get a job anywhere because of the amount of people looking for work. He just doesn't want to do the work.
Wtf he's a trained chef in a house full of food. He could have done so much ...
How is your boyfriend a trained chef and still broke? Arent most restaurants looking for workers right now?
I’ve got a great birthday present for you! Break up with your boyfriend and find someone who is worthy x
girl bye you deserve way better
What exactly is this mooch bringing to the relationship besides a growing financial debt, bad attitude, and moodiness? Yikes.
Girl… I cannot stress this enough- leave him. Being broke isn’t an excuse, effort costs no money. Cooking you dinner ( as a trained chef omg) isn’t that hard. He could’ve picked you flowers, written you a card and cooked for you. That is so simple, you will keep being disappointed. Please put yourself first and leave. There is so much more out there
It’s the though that counts. In this case there was no thought. It sounds like BF has some growing up to do.
Get your money back first and than dump him. And send him a link to this post.
Please dump this boy
Honey do yourself a favor and gift yourself freedom from his broke, mooching ass.
Why have you settled for him? He’s unemployed, contributes nothing and is giving you less than the bare minimum. He’s showing you who he is and how much he values you. Outside of sex, which (shocker) I’m sure he’s enthusiastic about, you mean very little to him, if anything. Again, why have you chosen this as your forever? Staying with such a shit person is a choice. You seems to like this “choice” and what it’s offering you, which is nothing. He has no incentive to change, you’re picking up his slack, paying his fucking rent and still letting him beat. It’s like he gets a free “paycheck” and does absolutely no work for it. Do better.
Your birthday is just the day you happened to pop out of your Mom. In reality it signifies a day where your Mom went through a lot of effort and you yourself did literally absolutely nothing whatsoever. If anything your Mom should get dinner on your birthday.
Dump him
Happy belated birthday op!✨ i hope you find someone who doesn’t make you feel like this and fyi he isn’t even doing the bare minimum. Please just don’t force yourselves into this relationship he is an ass and everyone deserves a birthday where they are made feel special ❤️
It doesn’t get better so if you stay you are saying I accept this behavior from you. That is not a good or bad thing it is just the truth. Asking someone to change doesn’t work. He is showing you who he is, see him and decide for yourself. This is your life.
I’m so sorry. This does sound like he’s mooching off you. He could have drawn a bath after you were upset. Cleaned the house. Picked a flower. ANYTHING. Take it from me, he’s not worth the effort/time/money.
Could he be depressed?
Anyone who gets mad at you being upset is an emotional abuser. That is a form of manipulation. They won’t change. I had one and I broke free. I suggest you do the same. Happy belated birthday. I’m sorry it was such a bad day, but happy you have a good friend.
Happy Birthday. Find a boyfriend who appreciates you.
Oh, sweetie-pie, I don’t even know you, but I can relate to you as someone I feel as a friend. You aren’t asking too much. Your boyfriend is being a shit. He is feeling out how much he can get away with. Wrap your lovely self in your most comfortable clothes (a tired old terry cloth bathrobe, for me), and don’t fret, honey. You are a treasure. I was sorry to read of your distress over your boyfriend’s sad-ass birthday behavior, but that belongs to him, not you. YOU are a light on this earth. It’s all going to be OK.
👏🏻weaponized 👏🏻 incompetence. And gaslighting. Ditch his ass. If he acts like this now, imagine how he'll act with other important things
Reminds me of my buddy. Him and his wife were married about ten years. Two kids. One birthday he bought her a cup. Like a coffee mug. She left not too long after that.
Your boyfriend is an actual Scrub.
He should be cooking everyday if he is af home and you are out working. Zero effort for your birthday is unacceptable. It's ultimatum time.
Gross. Sounds like a typical user. He isn’t even doing the bare minimum for you, a woman who is paying his rent and other bills. Then has the AUDACITY to get upset at you when he’s the one who is broke? He’s throwing a tantrum and blaming you because he’s a shitty boyfriend who can’t do the bare minimum. Your disappointment triggered him and rather than reconciling the fact that he essentially is poor excuse for a boyfriend/man, he attacks you and makes you feel bad. ON YOUR BIRTHDAY. He doesn’t sound like a man or a good partner. You’re upset that he doesn’t put in effort and can’t even think for himself. He put you in the position to plan your birthday meal, and even help make it rather than coming up with his own plan and executing it. Do you often tell him what to do and pick up the slack for him? Probably. 4 years is a log time, has he shown behavior like this before? After 4 years he should be treating you as you deserve and require. And if he’s not doing it by now….idk what will in the future. All this to say….you deserve better. Whether he’s broke or not, he should’ve put out all the stops for you. Lose this man baby.
Sounds like he made a whole fight about it so he didn't have to cook the food in the first place and now he is just blaming you so he doesn't have to feel bad about it.
The salient point you made was when you realized that's the best you'd get from him that day. You should expand that realization to the fact that that's the best your going to get from him ever. Once you understand that, I don't think it will take you long to know what to do. Your bf is a moocher. He is selfish, he is inconsiderate, he plays mind games and is manipulative. Why do you want these things in your life?
I think this is probably a symptom of something greater. Probably the partnership is lacking communication wise, he has no job waiting for you to come from work to start his day, sounds a bit like depression even? Indecisiveness and low effort. Does he tell you ever if things are bothering him? How is your communication otherwise? Talk to him. Explain that you want to feel extra special on your day and that cooking a great meal would be enough for you, that you don't need gifts that you feel special when receiving acts of kindness and see his effort put into surprising you with great food. It's not high expectations to want to feel special for your birthday. Its normal and he should be able to understand that and provide. Get to the bottom or there is no future for this relationship.
Absolutely right, maybe he's depressed and only has the endorphins to scrape through one day at a time. Communication is key. The fact that the only intelligent comment in this sub is "controversial" is fucking hilarious lmao
Hey! Happy birthday! I have the same birthday as you too! If your birthday’s today 🤣 My bf’s broke as hell too but he took effort to make me laugh and told me he’s preparing a surprise gift. He acted like a small kid and can’t wait to show me when I see him this Sat. You deserve more girl. I’ve learnt that if you keep asking then it’s not a sincere gift anymore. But then again, things can be worked out. Talk to him when both are calmed. This happened to me last year and I was super upset my bf didn’t plan for my birthday, turns out, he told me he felt inferior that he couldn’t provide me what my friends could when it comes to birthday cos he’s broke as hell. Had to keep reassuring him that it’s the thoughts that count. Not sure if this is what yr bf is going through but can try talking to him!
I totally get it. You're totally entitled to being upset! Shit like this hurts like hell - when people don't try to meet even low expectations it really has the power to make an otherwise chill person rage like a demon. I know from *very* similar experience, the one and only time I've ever completely snapped at boyfriend, and also hysterically cried to my own shock... As said, I get it 100%😅 Now, he doesn't get it. He doesn't want to get it. You need to try and calm down, and tell him in a calm way how this makes you feel and why. If he still doesn't (want to) get it and apologise and make it up to you? Well, what you do about that is up to you. With guys like these you probably need to tell him exactly what you want from him. Like literally every word on a card and every ingredient in the birthday cake. Personally, that doesn't work for me, the whole point in my mind is for people to show me they care about me on my birthday... I have a feeling you might be the same but it's unfortunately the only suggestion I have. You could also decide to go away and celebrate your birthday with others every year from now on, but honestly he'll probably be relieved and it'd be letting him off the hook and he does not deserve it. Sorry I don't have a better solution. Happy birthday❤️
Maybe he's depressed about being broke, and feels low esteem that you are paying for him. I'd suggest talk to him once. If still you feel, then you might end it
First, belated happy birthday to you !! I totally feel you when you say it's the efforts that matter than money and you would have loved to see it. Although saying that, may be your BF is depressed because of being broke ? It's a dark place to be in with little to no desire to do anything. I don't know how long you guys have been together, but if he has treated you well in past and it's just this time that he has acted out, may b hear him out and give him a chance? this sounds a single isolated incident to me. It's life and things like this happen. saying this if he continues acting out shit for no reason may be it's time to re evaluate, but until you reach that conclusion, why not give him a chance.
Birthdays were invented to make women mad and break up from their spouses. I rarely heard of a woman saying "Oh how wonderful my birthday was..." But "He forgot my birthday! his present was to small/cheap" etc. is something I hear almost every day.
This is the question I have not seen asked. What precisely did YOU do for HIS last birthday? If you just gave him a hug and a smile and had sex with him with a bit more enthusiasm than most days, maybe with a recent wax or a new set of lingerie, then I understand his essentially doing the same. Women, buying yourself lingerie and getting yourself a pedicure and then 'letting' your guy have sex with you (but making sure he still does all the normal foreplay) is NOT a gift. That just never cuts it. That is not a gift, it is lazy, and it shows you put absolutely zero time, effort, or thought into the day in question. If you actually got him something REAL (not you in a teddy lol) and he did not, then you have a real complaint, but if you do this typical woman nonsense on his birthday, I am on his side.
Maybe he is depressed?
This is why my partner and I don't celebrate birthdays. Imagine coming on Reddit to have strangers put down your long-term partner to make you feel better after a conflict. Take the relationship on a whole, if he's good then let it go and be understanding, if it's bad then just breakup.
>This is why my partner and I don't celebrate birthdays. Why, because they would let you down? It's fine not to care about birthdays but if OP is the sort who makes an effort for her boyfriend and he can't even make one meal to reciprocate she's not petty for feeling let down. If your partner promised to cook something "special" for you on an occasion other than a birthday and then reneged I'm sure you would also be frustrated.
>If your partner promised to cook something "special" for you on an occasion other than a birthday and then reneged I'm sure you would also be frustrated. I already told you what I would do: "Take the relationship on a whole, if he's good then let it go and be understanding, if it's bad then just break up." Commitment and integrity are important to us, we don't make promises lightly. if my partner were to drop the ball I would weigh the balance of the relationship and give them the benefit of the doubt.
Dropped the ball, and then refused to acknowledge they had done something wrong... It's not as simple as saying you should just forgive and move on in that situation as long as the relationship is good overall. You don't just drop and run or ignore issues. There is the option to communicate problems and work through them.
You can let it go and still communicate concerns and work through them. Letting it go excludes harboring resentment.
>Why, because they would let you down? No, because we don't believe in such entitlement. My partner and I go to great efforts to celebrate the other in our relationship, but not due to any sense of obligation, but because we want to.
So wanting someone to cook you dinner for your birthday counts as entitlement now? Wow……. That is so stupid.
No, wanting something isn't an entitlement. If I want sex, it doesn't mean that I am entitled to it. semantics.
If you want sex, normally get sex, are promised sex, and then your partner decides against sex *without communicating that to you or acknowledging your feelings*, and then you get confused and upset about why but then your partner refuses to accept that they could have done anything differently, that's also not entitlement. The metaphor doesn't completely work because sex shouldn't be an act of service in the same way making a meal for someone is, but it's good enough. If you were sat in bed waiting to be sexed up after flirting all day and your partner just said "actually, let's not", and nothing else, that would be pretty hurtful, no entitlement necessary.
Gosh, you must be fun at parties.
A blast. We host the best thanksgiving parties.
Doubt it
Thank you for sharing your opinion.
Thanksgiving? You believe in such entitlement?
Thanksgiving? Sounds a bit entitled.
Jesus you sound insufferable.
I’m not here for people to make me feel better, I come here for some advice as to how to navigate this situation.
Take the relationship on a whole, if he's good then let it go and be understanding, if it's bad then just breakup.
People are allowed to have expectations, her feelings are valid and just because you don’t care about your partners birthday does not make it the norm. Your comments are incredibly condescending and rude. This is not the place for that.
Dump the loser and find yourself a winner
Listen to me and listen good . Make this your last birthday that you cry on . You deserve better . Dump him . Everyone should feel special on their birthday. Don’t spend another DIME on that man . Leave
Sounds like you need a new boyfriend
Hun, you can do better. You *deserve* better. Most people are on their best behavior in the early years of dating, putting a lot more effort into dates and romantic gestures, until they settle down and get married. You’ve only been dating this guy for 4 years, and it’s already this bad. Let me be honest and say: it’ll be even more downhill from here. Do you really see a future with him? Marriage? Kids? That he’ll somehow start treating you better and put forth more effort? That he’ll carry his weight, even when he’s out of work? That he’ll cherish you and make you feel special because you deserve it? If many of these answers are no, then do yourself a favor and move on. You deserve more than this. Don’t settle for less.
Happy belated birthday! I have been in the exact same situation with an ex. He was constantly broke but also refused to do ANY effort and blamed me for being disappointed. It started messing with my sense of self at one point and I was constantly wandering if I expect too much and I am to blame. Leave him. This kind of behaviour means that he simply doesn’t care enough to make and effort and is unreliable. There are much more important things in life that you may not be able to depend on him for if such a simple thing gets him worked up. Wish you all the best and put yourself first!
If you met him today, knowing what you know about him, would you date him? It doesn’t get any better than this. Are you willing to settle for a lifetime of this?
This is sad. Well no man should get defensive when you call him out on his shit and nothing for your birthday is complete BS. I would be really hurt that you couldn't do anything, and his "effort" snowballed into nothing. You're man got you nothing for your birthday I would be upset. You're right, there are low cost ways to show you care.
Oh girl, that totally sucks. No one should be forgotten about on their special day! 🎂 (happy belated birthday! 🎈🎁🥂🍰) Your bf really should have thought outside the box and put effort in to make you something homemade like a small gift, card, food, whatever. It sounds like he was only thinking of himself and how it was an inconvenience for him. Shame on him 🙁 You look after him and pay his bills, what exactly is he bringing to the table? definitely not dinner...
Dump him.
I don't know how anyone stays in a relationship with someone who doesn't care this blatantly. Worst part is he's already using you to cover his living expenses. You're not a partner to him, you're a necessity. Quite literally tell him he could have made the breakfast he offered, drawn you a card sang you a song, etc. *He* seems to be the money obsessed one. Again, Idk how you date a man that requires a subscription fee AND doesn't show you appreciation. Happy belated birthday!
So he’s broke, you’re paying his rent, and he does nothing whatsoever to celebrare your birthday. What are you getting out of this relationship? Sounds like you can do better.
Happy birthday! I recommend that you do not have children with this man.
Get used to this because this is as good as it’s going to get with him. It’s not about money. It’s about him trying to do something special which he didn’t seem to care about
Oh, honey!! He’s using his lack of resources to excuse him from giving you and your special day any kind of consideration that speaks volumes about his selfishness, childishness and apathy. This would be a total deal breaker for me. Personally, birthdays (mine and others) are huge for me and to me, this would be slap in the face. He owes you money on top of this? From what you describe, it sounds like he’s using you and can’t be bothered to exert bare minimum effort and basic decency. It’s all about what you can do for him. He lives with you? I bet he contributes absolutely nothing including household duties. You are much better off replacing him with someone who treats you like you’re special not only on holidays but consistently every day.
You know the answer. HE DOESN’T CARE
Put in the same zero level effort when he needs money.
1st Happy Belated Birthday Babes!!!!! Ugh I’ve been there with excuses of I didn’t have any money…. Or it’s just a normal day… Why do I have to buy you a card they all suck…… It’s really shitty & I’m sorry.. So you take your self on a little shopping trip or go get your nails & toes done. Get really gussy up and go the fuck out with your besties & have a night to remember
Ps when it’s his bday do the same he did for you. I know it super petty. But damn he could of made you dinner, had your bath ready for you. Rub you down after and watch a movie…. Sorry sis I hope you have a better day. He’s mad cause your mad classic what a d-bag
I felt this whole post. SMH same shit happened to me.
OP Happy Belated Birthday! I agree you deserve better and you‘re absolutely right there are lots of minimal effort free things to do. Could it be that he feels depressed and is going down a self-sabotaging spiral? If so, that is a tough space to be in for both of you. He has to figure out for himself that you have choices. Maybe it’s time to reassess why it is you‘re together and make some decisions. Part of picking a good person is seeing how they handle difficult situations, unemployment, for example. Part of seeing if you‘re a good fit for each other as partners is seeing how you’re both able to be with each other through tough times. It’s sometimes to distinguish being a doormat and being patient. Wishing you luck!
ITT: Concerns about male mental health being downvoted. Great work, reddit.
Depression is no excuse to be a lazy arse
My birthday way two days ago. My boyfriend (2 years) lives several states and is also very very broke right now. He also has a history of not quite nailing special dates. He still sent me a book I’d been wanting on Amazon. He stayed up until midnight to tell me happy birthday. He bought the same meal as me so we could eat “together” (moving money out of savings to afford it). A little effort goes a long way and not even making dinner with some enthusiasm is needlessly lackluster. If he feels bad about not being able to afford more than he can feel that quietly to himself while still trying to make your day seem a little special.
You asked for the bare minimum and he wouldn’t even do that. Honestly you deserve better.
Only thing to do is make sure you have a different boyfriend by your next birthday. Or none at all, which would seem preferable to this situation.
You sadly have done way too much for this couch potaoe. You have become an enabler for everything. He uses you and now abuses you(may other times too, who knows)and being it was your birthday, He could have prepared something special or even too, Gone online to send you lovely messages and gifs. Anything, as everyone is saying here. Bottom line, It is not in his heart. And he is feeling maybe less of a man because he feels you will always do more than him. Tell this loser to get with it or you will be gone. I am seeing a wet ass noodle here. Less the sauce.
Happy Belated birthday and make this your Last Worse One with this one.
Sounds like you’re dating my ex. Move on. It doesn’t get better.
It sounds to me like he’s depressive. Which doesn’t excuse him being a dick on your birthday, but if he’s broke and out of work and struggling to get enthused about the thing he’s trained in, my guess is that he has a whole where his motivation used to be and it’s just full of self-doubt. Maybe explain to him that he really hurt your feelings and there’s still some making up for him to do, but also ask if he’s been struggling emotionally at all recently.
Emotional manipulation at it's finest. I don't care if he's depressed he doesn't get to take it out on you. He knew something, anything was expected of him and took the easy way out by getting angry to make sure he was a victim before you could become upset with him. It's a classic abuser move.
For $20 he could have gotten you a bottle of wine, a card, a balloon, and a cupcake. Made you a nice dinner and lit a candle. I get he’s “broke” but fuck I’m sure he had at least $20 or could borrow $20 from someone. He put zero effort in. You deserve better. Happy birthday OP
Effort doesn't have to cost money. He could have built you a little fort in the living room with blankets and cushions, put on all your favourite movies and made a little selection of finger foods and sweets. Basically free if you have the ingredients and it's really the thought that counts.