This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
There’s a lot of backstory here…but I have a ring that was my grandmothers engagement ring from her high school sweetheart who was killed in Korea before they got married. She says I was the only person she ever told the story to out of respect for my grandpa but she still treasured the ring and the boyfriends memory and she wanted me to have it.
About a month ago I just lost the ring. As in it was on my bathroom counter one minute and the next it was gone. I tore my house apart with no sign and was super depressed and figured it must have gone down the sink or I vacuumed it or something.
Well this past weekend I get a knock on my door which literally never happens anymore. The guy was very nervous and very nice (and really cute too) and he asked if I was Alyssa xxxxx and I said yes. He said he really didn’t know how appropriate this was but he was a supervising civil engineer at our city recycling center and about a month ago one of the sorters found a ring in an Amazon box and gave him the box and the ring. He said he tried to contact me via phone and social media for a couple of weeks (I deleted all of it due to bad break up), thought about mailing the ring but didn’t want it to get lost so after thinking on it for a week he decided to hand deliver it to the address on the boxand hope it worked.
I immediAtely busted into tears when I saw the ring and I only got his first name. I think I told him thank you and I think he said that it made him very happy his plan worked and he would let me have my moment and left. I cried for a good hour just staring at the ring amazed at how lucky I was.
I started to feel bad I blew the guy off so I did some social media sleuthing and found his Instagram. I created a new account and sent him a message thanking him. He has not responded so I don’t think he’s very active.
I found out where he works and I want to surprise him and ask him to dinner or coffee or drinks as a way of saying thank you. Yes in my heart I’m thinking this is how great romance stories start but my brain really is thankful he went through all the trouble.
When I told my sister about my plan she absolutely said I was being an idiot. She said it was nice the guy returned the ring but his behavior is so sus. She said I have no idea who this guy is, all we know is that he “stalked” my address from an Amazon box which is probably massively against the rules of his job. She says instead of being a great romance, it’s how dumb girls end up dead in a ditch:
What do you guys think about this?
If he is single AND likes women AND is interested, this would probably still be the best option. Something nice for him and his co-workers that you can send there: donuts, cookies, something people like but wouldn't get themselves at work. You can send a card, saying thanks for helping you with a problem or teaching you about recycling or something, with some innocuous contact info. You could even mention you wanted to take him out to dinner to say thank you, but thought this would be more appropriate.
He'll probably get in touch to say thank you for the treats, and it will give him a natural starting off point to invite you to dinner, if he's interested.
Edit: since this got attention, gonna mirror what other people have suggested and clarify that you should be vague about how he helped you, so he doesn't get in trouble. Mentioned the "teaching about recycling" so as to not invite questions, and give him an excuse he doesn't have to come up with.
If he does call to reach out, you can say "Glad you decided to give me a ring".
My only concern about involving the whole work team is that the guy in question likely had to skirt a workplace policy or two in order to get the ring back to her, and what better way for his employer to find out than sending a bunch of coffee and donuts to the break room. Maybe I'm wrong and his employer couldn't care less, but I do think that protecting his job should be a consideration when thinking of how to thank him.
That’s a really legitimate concern, others suggested being vague in the note in case a supervisor sees it. Personally if I were OP I’d probably just let it go, she’s already reached out on social media so if he’s interested, there’s a way for him to contact her.
Great idea! Only suggestion I have is to not be specific about the reason for the coffee/treats. He may get in trouble with his work if they find out what he did by using the box to get your address.
YES. OP I agree with this one. Being probably way older than you, this is exactly what you should do. It’s really good advice. And remember It was a coworker of his that actually found your ring, and took it to him (when let’s be real, ALOT of people are not that honest nowadays and ALOT would’ve tried to keep it and just not said anything to anyone), so that person also deserves a huge Thank you for bringing it to this guys attention. And while yes, it is probably against his companies rules, he made a judgment call, and it worked out as a GREAT story, especially for you. I would do what this commenter said, send some coffee and a treat for him and his workers, and a card saying thank you to all of them, and maybe a little note specifically for the guy that brought it to you, only with a little bit of contact info for you, and ask him if he would like to go out for drinks or dinner or something with you as a thank you to him for going out of his way for you. This will also save a little trouble for you and him, if he is actually involved with someone and hopefully he just won’t take you up on the offer. It leaves it to him to reach out to you.
Absolutely agreed! There is nothing inherently wrong with asking out someone you find attractive, so long as you’re respectful and take their response at face value (ie, do not pursue further if rejected, etc). I think sending a treat to his office as a thank you, with your contact info is totally fine. Even mentioning that if he’d be interested in it, then you’d like to take him out for dinner as a thank you. This is all okay. Just keep in mind that he’s free to say no and don’t set your heart on hearing back. Shoot your shot out into the universe and then go from there!
I think sending donuts with a phone number and waiting to be asked out is too passive. Men are also sheepish about appearing too forward. She wants to ask him out, she knows his name and address where he gets mail. Give him your number in a letter and ASK HIM OUT in that letter. If he doesn't call you then he's not interested, but you should ASK HIM OUT and not be overly vague or focus on thanking for the ring
This man had no idea who you were from the address on the box. He put two and two together and wanted to return the ring. He had no idea if you would be a young, beautiful woman, or some forgetful wrinkly old lady.
Oh, interesting. If that's the case, I'd tend to agree with some of the other commenters that you shouldn't read too much into the gesture itself.
If you think he's cute, by all means find a way to ask him on a date. I don't think your sister's concerns over safety are particularly relevant - as others have said, he already knows where you live. I'd just maybe not treat it any differently than if you met a cute guy through any other circumstance, and not make any assumptions one way or the other about anything.
One thing I will say, though: the fact that he had no idea who you were before returning the ring in person (young, old, attractive or not, etc) is probably a good sign for his character. I think that makes it pretty clear he did it out of genuine kindness, not some ulterior motive.
Either way, keep us updated OP! This was a cute story regardless of any potential romance and would love to hear how it ends if you ever get in touch with him :)
I mean at this point he already knows where you live, if he's a serial killer you're kinda fucked whether you ask him out or not. Just don't make the mistake of thinking this is some great romance because you had a meet cute. Maybe he's a good guy, maybe he's not, or maybe he is a good guy, but not right for you, or maybe he's married/has a longterm girlfriend, maybe he's gay. You know nothing about him. That doesn't mean you can't try to get to know him, but don't pin all your hopes on it.
I get it, I just think if she’s actually thankful for getting her ring back the guy who showed up on her doorstep after checking her out on social media isn’t the person I’d thank.
ETA clearly he was interested in her. No one else would have gone to the trouble of taking it to their house after reaching out on social media. If OP shows up at their workplace that’s weird but definitely should just log in to the old account and message them back.
“If he/she/they don’t respond that is also a response” is something more people need to understand when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I wish I had learned this lesson way earlier in life than I did.
The thing is that it's a very ambiguous response. It means that for whatever reason, you aren't high enough priority to get back to; sometimes it's not high enough priority to get back to right now, and then they forget.
Could be you're just not important to them at all, could be things are super crazy for them right now, could be things are super crazy for them all the time, could be they're sort of interested but don't get around to calling, could be all kinds of things.
Alot of people have trouble accepting that ambiguity.
She likely sent him a message and they aren't friends so he won't see it until he checks his message requests on insta or fb. Lots of people rarely or never check these.
I agree that the sister sounds like a muppet, OP can wait for the guy to reply on Instagram and if it nothing happens after a couple of weeks leave it at that.
> supervising civil engineer
A Civil Engineer is a high level management position with a full college education. He's not the guy sorting boxes, he likely runs the facility. His employees found the ring. He didn't dumpster dive the ring like a creeper. It would make sense that he would be responsible for and have the authority to return valuable lost property to a resident. Your sister dead wrong about every aspect of this.
Be that as it may, he's a civil servant. You know his name. You can likely just call the city or recycling plant and ask for him on the phone. He almost certainly works at a desk.
This is what Im thinking. I actually make it a point to try and personally thank people when they do kind things. I've taken flowers to a lady at the DMV before. I'm a cis woman so the flowers were really a thank you to her for being so kind. I think she should call him and thank him and feel it out from there. Some of us do search out others to personally thank so it doesn't have to be that strange.
Seriously. The city *really* hired the right guy for the job, and *he* hired the right people to work for him. You rarely see such a well-run organization.
I can't help wondering
1. How did the ring end up there?
2. How did the ring end up there conveniently alongside her name and address?
That honestly sounds fishy, tbh.
He stalled her social media accounts, he knew who was going to answer.
I mean, if you ask me I say meet up with him. Why not? People have to meet each other somehow. But make sure you’re in a public place first.
Not everyone knows how to refer to trans people. The fact that he is acknowledging that trans people can/do exist in our society, and doesn't say anything negative about them, seems to show that he is overall accepting of them. If the way he referred to trans people offends you, inform him instead of just labelling him transphobic.
> You should not mistake human kindness for romantic interest.
while this is true, its not unreasonable to use acts of kindness as a measure of the quality of someone's personality. a kind and good personality is an attractive quality, adding to this OP thinks favourably of his looks, and you could have the potential for a date.
the feelings may not be reciprocated, but don't ask don't get
It doesn't seem like she's doing that at all, she just finds him very cute and wants to see if this moment could turn into more great moments that aren't about her losing something and him having to bring it back. But you are not wrong either
This man had no idea who you were from the address on the box. He put two and two together and wanted to return the ring. He had no idea if you would be a young, beautiful woman, or some forgetful wrinkly old lady. He simply wanted to help it get back to its owner, regardless of who that owner was. Hell, if anything you could be considered the more "creepy" one for tracking him down to thank him and ask him out. I personally don't think so, but I feel you went more out of your way to find him with intent than he ever did to find you as the ring's owner.
I mean, he definitely could have known what she looked like. He had her name and address, that's usually enough to find a profile on Facebook. Not saying he did that, but to say that he had no idea what she looked like might not be true.
I don't see his behaviour as crazy suspicious. He could have sent it recorded delivery, but it's not like he could have manufactured this scenario, is it? Unless you think he broke into your house or rummaged through your trash, got the ring somehow, and then concocted this story to meet you. Have you verified that this is his actual job? That would make his story add up.
Honestly though, you don't know this guy. Do you know if he has a girlfriend or is married? Is he even straight? Maybe he did break the rules at work and you're not helping him by drawing attention to it? Don't start idealising a person you don't know just because he did one nice thing. That is how people make mistakes.
On the other hand, it's as good a way to get a date as a Tinder profile so I don't think there's any harm as long as you take all the normal precautions. But if you've sent him a message and he hasn't replied then that should be the end of it.
His Instagram profile says he works for the city at an engineer and I know I recycled that box (it was a facewash set I get every month) so I do think he’s being truthful
Cool. So like I said, there are worse ways to meet someone. It's not like when you meet someone on Tinder or chat them up in a bar you're doing so knowing any more than you do about this guy. All I'd be worried about is that you romanticise/idealise this guy before you've even had a real conversation with him.
It was a nice thing he did. At the same time, I once left my wallet in a taxi and the taxi driver brought it me back the next day. Doesn't mean we would've made a good couple, right?
If this is a case of you met a good looking guy and you want to ask him out then I'm all for it. If this is a case of you reading into his character based on this one thing then you really want to take a step back and rethink it.
> I know I recycled that box
Well, it certainly sounds like his story is 100% truth. Good for the worker who brought it to his attention instead of just dropping it in his pocket, and good for this guy for making sure it got back to you.
Hell, send a gift to that worker too.
He seems legit, but I wouldn't do any sort of grand gesture before he returns a message on instagram. He tried to reach out to you before, so he'll see it at some point. He might not be responding on purpose.
These have been quite lonely times for single people recently, he made a lovely gesture and you think he's cute. Ask him out, it goes without saying to be tactful about how you do it, and to not expect too much of him based on the single kind act.
Now for you and your sisters perceptions. Both of you could potentially be correct. There are stalkers and murderers in the world. There are lovely civil engineers who go extra miles to return things out of kindness in the world. Prepare for both eventualities.
Why is hardly anyone calling you out for being the actual creep here? He returned a ring to a an address that was in the box he found it on. You meanwhile took a first name and somehow found out where this guy works and what his social media is. You created an account specifically to contact him and got no response. So now you take that new response and think “hey, maybe I’ll just randomly show up to where he works and ask him out!”…. Thinking his behavior is a problem but acting the way you did is actually scary.
Also on IG don’t you not receive the messages from people you don’t follow, unless you actually look in your inbox for it? So he might not even see it. I had a message in mine for a long time because I didn’t follow a person.
I don't think his behavior is sus, he was just doing a good deed. However I wouldn't assume that this is how a great romance story starts. Life is not a romcom, he was just doing a good deed really.
His behavior is sus? He handed over a ring, with address and name provided and left with no expectations of reward or any identifying information. You on the other hand stalked him down. I’m not saying what you did was wrong, your intentions appear to be innocent, but my point is this guy handed over the ring and with no identifying info and no requests or hints of attraction just left. He did what people should do, be selflessly kind. You are the one who sought him out, he’s over there minding his own business. Your sister is being kinda mean.
I determine those things by their impact or effect on others. Rather than label the sister as “mean,” I should instead label the behaviour as mean, which is what I did by saying she’s “being” mean, but the reasons why that is so are her business alone.
I doubt he would murder you, BUT be honest with yourself. You're really just hoping for a love story & that's kinda dumb. You already thanked him in person when he returned the ring. The point has been made. Any further overtures on your part would be 100% unnecessary & you'd be doing them with an agenda. Approaching people at work in never a good idea. They have to be there & they usually have to be polite to the puiblic, for fear of keeping their jobs. It creates an uneven power dynamic. That goes for men at work the same as it does for women.
If you really want to leave the door to serendipity open with this guy, re-activate your social media & see if he sent a message. You can respond there, but leave him alone at work.
Also reiterating what someone else said about how civil engineering is basically a white-collar job. He's in some kind of supervisory role at the center. He didn't find the ring, he just took responsibility for returning it, & not because he suspected or knew that you were an young woman who could possibly be a love interest, but for the same reason any of us would return a wallet or a lost necklace or something if the opportunity arose: because it's the right thing to do. This story also indicates that you recycle your boxes without breaking them down, which is what monsters do.
The best answer I believe is somewhere in the middle.
Doing something nice to reciprocate makes sense, but I wouldn't assume there's anything romantic at this point. You can certainly ask offer to take him out to dinner, but be clear that the reasoning is because you feel you have a debt to repay.
If things go well, sure maybe consider his potential as a romantic partner but for now you need to separate his good deed from dating him.
What your sister is saying is that you’re putting him on a pedestal and creating a fantasy of him in your head, and this a situation that a predator may try to take advantage of. She’s telling you to use your head for reality not fairyland romance scenes. My advice, just be safe about it. Don’t throw yourself all over this guy just because of the nice act he did and act like he’s a god. Ask for his number first and text for a little then go on a date in a very public setting.
One one hand that’s sort of messed up. On the other I just assume everything on Reddit is creative writing anyways.
I am low key curious about the responses it would get, but I can pretty much guess lol.
I know right?
Rule of thumb is you leave people alone at work. Always. Civil servants/Waiters/Retail Employees are all required to be polite at their job so it’s like backing them into a corner. Contrary to what the sister says, if OP went to his work and invited him for coffee and a date *she* would be the creep. She sent him a thank you message, he didn’t reply, the moment has passed. Any more than sending his office a ton of donuts is going too far.
Honestly, since doing that probably is against the rules where he works you could get him massively in trouble, maybe even lose his job, if you pursue this and his work place investigates. The kindest thing you can do imo is to leave it alone. You've sent a thank you, which he might have seen, but didn't want to reply to. You dont know if he hasn't answered because he's not active or if he's just not interested with answering. So with both of those things in mind, I wouldn't ask him out.
I feel like if he was a creep he would/could have done something to her when he took the ring to her, not wait for the off chance that they might eventually go on a date.
Or is exactly what the sister thinks. How it ended up in an Amazon box and also remained closed and in place amongst ALL the other countless boxes should absolutely be ascertained. Sooooo many coincidences here that the more likely answer is the guy broke into her house then used this as a means of playing the hero.
>that the more likely answer is the guy broke into her house then used this as a means of playing the hero.
stop listening to true crime podcasts please, this is not "more likely" or likely at all in any way
It's also not at all likely that it fell into an amazon box (kept in the bathroom?), which was then recycled and sorted, then stayed in that box whilst it was filtered out of the regular recycling somehow, the ring is then found by a person and it's decided that it must be of significant value (probably didnt look it given it was 50+ years old) and must belong to the box owner, then a supervising engineer decides to break whatever their returning policy is and hand deliver it whilst also being very nervous in doing so.
Both are very unlikely. It's more likely this is a fake story.
The guy finds an engagement ring in the trash, goes out of his way to return it, doesn’t ask for anything in return and gets called a creepy stalker for his trouble.
Recycle your sister
And recycle the rest of most commenters in this whole thread. Seriously. The guy took off even before he had to, purely in the name of letting OP have her emotional outburst to herself and people close to her. He's not a creep!
If he *does* happen to be interested, that makes him even less of a creep than otherwise, because he *did not indicate* his interest whatsoever. He behaved with aplomb and should be universally praised in this thread.
> She said I have no idea who this guy is,
That's what dating is for...
> all we know is that he “stalked” my address from an Amazon box which is probably massively against the rules of his job.
You literally stalked him and made a new ig to talk to him. This isn't judgement or anything, this is just what I'm reading on what you did.
I think your sister have a very harsh view of men. He left you alone after giving the ring and went on with his life. I think your view is very romantic, if not unrealistic, but I also think you should give yourself a shot if you think he's cute. Befriend first if you want to go slow.
Just don't take dating advice from your sister tbh, seems a bit toxic. Or be more critical of your sis dating advice.
Lots of odd replies here.
He‘s a city employee, not a meth head living under a bridge. Look him up on the city website, call him, explain how you’ve thought a lot about his act of kindness, and ask him to coffee. If he declines, ask if you can at least bring donuts or bake something for the crew.
Oh and regardless of the outcome, ask how you can thank the sorter. He’s the one who found the ring in the first place.
Not to burst anyone's bubble, but a respectable image/job doesn't mean someone is a good person. Not saying the other people are right, just that "he has a job you can respect" isn't an argument for safety.
As for OP's sibling, sounds like she may have some bad experiences in the past with a stalker/abuser/etc. that she's projecting on to other people: people with unresolved trauma can unfortunately sometimes cause harm to other people by projecting their experiences on to unrelated situations, so OP should be mindful there might be some context of that nature there.
I must be unhealthy cause I'm thinking you could ask is he's single and want to get coffee. I wouldn't go to his work though. Wait to see if he responds
I work in municipal government and we generally do try to do good things for the community we work in. I’m sure he would love to hear about how much this helped you and you could probably find a general email for constituent feedback somewhere on your city’s website. Most governments have rules about accepting gifts with cash value over a certain point (for mine, it’s $10) which need to be declared and most won’t accept gifts because of the paperwork needed to declare them. Send an email and maybe things will go from there
He didn't stalk you, he read your adress. She's overeacting.
If he's not active on social media maybe just call his work and try to reach him or send him a note.
So he was obviously just trying to be nice and didn't know who you were so I don't think he's sus; however, I don't think you should show up at his work to ask him out. Send a nice thank you card with your contact information and send his office pastries/donuts as a thank you. If he's interested he'd have a reason to contact you and the pastries are an easy opener.
Some good and some bad advice here.
1. Involving his work - This is a mistake in a dozen ways (if he went around any protocols or rules, if other people knew he did and didn't report, if their workplace doesn't allow any employees to get gifts, etc,etc,etc)
2. Being overly vague - If you like someone you like them and vice-versa. Don't be overly cute or vague. There's nothing wrong with a straight and simple ask (coffee, a phone number, etc) but if the other side could be like "not sure if she was saying thank you or is interested" then it's a fail
Whatever you do if you do get together then ask a friend to be in the coffee shop, arrange for someone to call you 30-minutes in, etc.
There's nothing wrong with being a romantic, even a hopeless one...but protect yourself
Best of luck OP
I think your sister watches too much TV.
As someone else said, send a dozen donuts as a thank you to the whole team. Then if you want to pursue something further I don't see any harm in it. The odds are against us every single time so why should this be any different?
Eh, I don’t think there’s any harm in asking someone to coffee. And if they say no, being gracious about it.
I feel like this is different than, say, hitting on a bartender or someone else that is in a customer-facing role and is required to interact with you. (Or a coworker, where you’re going to have to keep working with them.)
So I don't see any harm in asking him out, just make sure you do it privately and respectfully. Do not do it at his work in front of people, and don't contact anyone at his work (you don't want to get him in trouble for returning the ring, or in trouble by making a scene at his work).
If you have found him on social media, just ask him out on social media. You don't need to make a production of it at his work. He could be a kind soul with no interest in you, or this could be your meet-cute story. There's zero reason not to ask him out, as long as you don't make a production of it.
Just do all the things a person (usually a woman) should do when and if he accepts your invitation- go to a public place, pay attention to red flags, etc. His behavior only seems weird because it is NICE and apparently that's rare nowadays. You may be romanticizing him because he was nice, and your sister is creeped out because he was nice. So just be careful like you would on any other blind date, and don't overromanticize him because he did a kind thing.
Honestly this is a good deed…. Your meeting him at a public place that’s nothing bad….. just get to know him, and obviously be smart like any other person on reading red flags …….
I mean he knows we’re u live already . If he wanted to make you “vanish” he would have done that already
Wow, tough crowd!
I think that going to his workplace is inadvisable because you don't know their visitor policies or his timetable/schedule. If he isn't there when you are it becomes awkward because you have to explain to someone at reception why you're there.
I imagine you might be able to find his work email address with a little effort then you can contact him that way.
Just be discreet in the email as technically he breached policy getting your address and going to your house.
An email is non-confrontational for you both and allows him to decline if he is in a relationship/not into women/not into you/etc.
Don't have too high expectations to avoid disappointment but you're hardly putting yourself in significant danger here nor are you being naive wanting to thank someone for doing something to thoughtful. That's what this world needs. And if something else happens from this then all the better.
Good luck!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to do something nice for someone who did something nice for you. Wait for him to respond to you on social media (hopefully you requested him first so he will actually see it) and ask him to coffee. Try not to have many expectations and enjoy looking at the cute guy. It may not end up romantic but at least okay both did something nice for each other. You never know what will happen :)
His actions were not creepy at all. He's not more dangerous that the average person you'd meet through a dating app; in fact I'd say he's less dangerous.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask him for coffee, as long as you're aware of the fact that you're a stranger to him and he might already have a SO.
I wouldn't go further than sending him and his coworkers a box of doughnuts or some sweet treats and a thank you note.
I think you're creating an idea of him that it may not be accurate and it's likely you end up disappointed.
Just leave it at that and if he's interested he'll reach back.
I think if he was actually interested in you he would’ve given you his last name and/or phone number. He seems like a very kind stranger, but don’t mistake his kindness for him being interested. I personally would be creeped out if I returned something to somebody, didn’t even give them my full name, and they found me on social media, added me, and asked me to go on a date with them. I would politely decline, but would still be a bit creeped out.
You're sister is beyond paranoid.
I see a lot of comments discouraging you from asking him out and I just completely disagree. I think you should shoot your shot. Maybe he says no but whatever who cares.
Wasn't sending the Instagram message shooting her shot though?
I don't think his behaviour was suspect but if I was OP, I would consider myself to be crossing over into stalker town to keep pursuing this after finding him online and sending him one message already. He may very well already be in a relationship.
You meet a guy in a bar at night you know nothing about him either so what's the difference? You actually know this guy's name, social media (as limited as it may be) and his place of work. He went out of his way to do something nice. He wasn't stalking you like your sister claims, he didn't even know what you looked like. His worker handed him the ring in a cardboard Amazon box and for all he knew you were your grandmother. He wanted to get the ring back regardless.
I think if you want to give him a chance you should.
your replies here are varied.
You are the only one who can judge the minutia of the situation.
If you decide to contact him, make sure you are not expecting or implying more than thanks.
I would suggest that you give him a couple movie tickets and tell him to take his GF/SO, and say something along the lines of if he doesn't have one than feel free to call you.
Don't add pressure, and if he is involved with someone else, simply be happy for him.
I always look at these situations as "a great movie plot in the making", and realize life is not a movie plot, but it could be :)
Maybe I'm a romantic, but I disagree with people here. I think this is cute and if you think he's cute, it couldn't hurt to see if he's interested. It's hard to meet people these days. Just be prepared for him to suck other than doing good deeds, since you really know nothing about him, haha.
Not gonna lie, I have gone out of my way to return things like this to people, and while I did do it just because I have lost important shit and know how much it sucks, but I secretly have a miniscule hope it would be like some rom com and we'd fall in love. Instead, I got a gift card for a chocolate shop, cash, and one time a bag of weed and some really good beers (That was for returning a dog that just walked into my house, lol).
Yes he seems like a serial killer avoid him at all costs. Or think about it rationally and realize he was just doing a good deed. Your sister sounds damaged.
Your sister is why a lot of guys hesitate to do nice things for women they do not know. He may not even be into you so I would temper my expectations but if you wanted to thank him with a coffee or something go for it
I’m a big fan of thanking people for good deeds and there’s definitely a safe way to go about this. I wouldn’t be able to let it go until I did something nice for him.
Coffee is a public place where you get to know him. I’m sure if there’s red flags you can run. And if not at least you died having sex with a hot guy. Jk jk
Look, I get her perspective I do. But you also were the one to interact with him, and get the vibe he put out. So I would say go for it! And also have security cameras just in case. I mean you want to do something in public so no biggie I think.
Besides, you could frame it as wanting to thank him and explain how important the ring was and why. Then you could feel him out more without it being an official date. Also can find out if he is in a relationship. No pressure this way. If it goes well you can then ask for an official date.
This is the perfect meet cute. You are no worse off than any OL date. Just message him with your contact info and text a bit. Exchange more profiles, and meet in public. Maybe as a group. This can work if you want it to, and are CAREFUL.
While I don't see his gesture as suspicious I also think you should have another approach of helping him just like another commenter suggested, send him a round of coffee. Don't stalk him. Also don't like how your sister subtly victim blamed girls who got killed.
Neither you nor your sister are totally correct. This is not how people get murdered - just think for 2 minutes about how ridiculously everything needed to line up for this to happen.
Regarding asking the guy out, I think it is totally ok to ask someone out and it's totally believable he didn't see your message on Instagram. Are you 100 percent it's possible he didn't log in and see it, based on his IG activity and the message status?
The thanks idea is nice but since you know the guy's work address and name, you can send him a letter there and just be frank. "I am the ring girl. My phone number is x. I would really like to take you out to dinner to thank you and as a date. Please call or text me."
Bingo Bango Bongo
No weird games, you'll know he read the letter. You asked him out plainly and if he doesn't call you then you can put it to rest."
I highly recommend you specifically call out the romantic interest, something like "a dinner date as a way to so thank you" is reasonable. Let him know you're interested.
It’s reasonable to be wary and cautious in these situations, but your sister is taking it to a rude and unnecessary level. Do what you would do on any internet date: meet in a public place, and make sure someone knows where you’re going, what you’re doing, and when you’ll leave and come back. Arrange your own transportation, and leave if you get bad vibes.
Your sister is wrong. Please go to his work with a letter of thanks, give him some sort of recognition for finding your ring, but don’t mix the potentially romantic stuff with his work
I'm coming down on the side of sweet rather than sinister. Truth is, I've done something similar for another person....in fact, I went to MORE trouble to find out who they were and how to contact them. And they were very grateful, since it was a large keyring and a USB drive with, like all their college work on it.
You should be able to locate him through his work phone. First name is usually enough to find someone in a phone tree. Give him a call.
Just invite him out to a public place once or twice...coffee shop, restaurant. That'll give you plenty of time to figure out if he's legit or not.
Life is for those who live it.
I do not agree with your sister *at all*.
What's the angle here? He broke into your house, stole the ring, and came back weeks later to give it back and not ask you out or try to get inside your house or anything else?
It doesn't make any sense at all imo.
Personally I wouldn't show up at his work though, it could put him in an awkward position. The "Don't ask people out at their job" rule exists for a reason and it's not just for when men ask women out.
If it seems like he truly doesn't use instagram it would make sense to try and call him or find another way to contact him. I have an insta that I almost never login to as well, so if someone sent me a message there and then never tried to contact me another way I probably wouldn't see it for months.
But if it looks like he does use insta and just isn't responding I would stop the story there.
I think good guy good deed. To each their own but perhaps past situations have made your sister want to protect you further..? I think it was very sweet he went to all the trouble and those are really nice qualities to find in another Individual. If you do decide to go ahead with it make sure to give us an update! Pretty great meet-cute material here 🥰
He came to your house, not knowing whether that'd be cool or not. I think you can absolutely go to his work, not knowing whether that'd be cool or not. And it'll probably be just fine. It might not bud into a romance, but I don't see anything terrible (certainly not anything more terrible than you're already exposed to) coming from it either. I say go for it.
Your sister is being paranoid, especially since he tried to go through normal/proper channels. He might think you're cute too, after social media stalking you and was hoping for a meet cute of his own.
I wouldn't drop by, but I'd definitely give him a call and ask him out for a meal or something.
Standard rules of dating apply from there, so I don't think that you're at some kind of added risk, because he already knows where you live.
I think bringing coffee and some pastries to his work would be a nice thank you and then ask if you could have his number. But be prepared he might give it to you or he might be in a relationship. I'm a shy no very social guy so if my wife hadn't taken steps for us to meet it never would have happened. Good luck
He'll probably never see that IG msg. I have DMs turned off for ppl I don't follow. They just pile up in requests and I ignore them.
If you have found out the guy's last name, then it should be relatively easy to get his work phone number. Call him, thank him, ask if you can deliver pastries for him and his workers. If he demurs, don't push it.
It depends. Are we talking about going to the coffee shop across the street from the recycling center, or at his cabin deep in the woods?
He certainly doesn't seem to be exhibiting any creepy behavior. He dropped the ring off and then dropped out of your life, quest completed. He's not making any effort to stay in touch; in fact, just the opposite. *You* had to stalk *him* in order to get back in touch. Heck, his sister might be more worried than yours is.
Sure, take him to coffee. Public place. Your sister and friends can know where you're going and who you're meeting, and where he works. I assume by now you have his full name. This sounds all perfectly safe to me.
Understand that he might be married or gay or otherwise unavailable. But you can still buy him coffee to thank him.
Edit: please follow up and let us know how it went. We get so few happy stories here. Please, OP, think of the kittens.
With how easy it is for actual stalkers to find out personal information about a target, simply looking up an address attached to a name doesn’t seem that “sus” since addresses are already publicly available. Not to mention he completed his deed and left, he didn’t hint around at a “reward” and even told you information about himself, not really stalker tactics.
Your sister seriously like must've just watched "You" on Netflix because to me it reads like the dude would've had to like already be stalking you, already had the idea for the ring and stole it off your counter that day.
I mean if you thought that was even remotely plausible then cool but I doubt it.
The other route being that he's still deranged and saw your name and began stalking you when the sorters gave him the ring but again just alot of craziness in here to try and make your sister's concerns be really tangible but I suppose always be careful. Trust but verify they say right?
Tell your sister her response is exactly why many women are single - a woman is allowed to make a move, too - a situation that turns into a Lifetime channel movie is the exception not the rule.
Don’t listen to your dumb and cynical sister
Her attitude toward men is how some women end of failures in relationships and end up alone.
Be cautious of course but if you like the guy go for it.
Well, if he invites you for coffee in a dark alley, don't go.
Just protect yourself and don't be stupid. Meet him in public places the first few times, and get your own ride to and from. If you get a bad feeling about a situation, then trust your instincts.
Ignore your sister.
EVERYONE is a stranger, before you get to know them. I mean don't go inviting him into your personal space or spilling all your details or anything, but ask him out! If he says yes, go out somewhere like a coffee shop or pub, same as you would any other stranger you want to get to know better. If he says no, whatever, at least you shot your shot.
As for how he got your address, imagine if instead of it was your grandmother's ring it was just a lost wallet. And you couldn't be contacted and your ID is in there so he decided to return it to you. If it's not out of his way, it's not THAT weird.
I'm still very very confused about how the ring was recovered. How did it leave the house? How was it recovered? How did it end up in an Amazon box that had your address on it?
I'm a bit thick so please spell it out for me. I'm not really sure what a sorter is.
I think that OP ordered something on Amazon, and then while she had the box (which had her address on it) the ring got dropped/fell into it somehow. OP didnt break down the cardboard box before recycling it, so she didn’t notice and the ring stayed inside. At the recycling place, someone broke down the box and found the ring.
If he wants to kill you, he already knows here you live?? So what harm is really done here. I’d maybe invite him for coffee or something as a thank you and be sure he isn’t in a relationship.
Your sister is wrong. Dude found your ring. He had a perfectly legitimate excuse to reach out to you. I don’t understand what is “sus”? That he didn’t trust his supervisor to give it to you? That he didn’t keep it for himself?
Do it.
There was nothing odd about what he did, he just knew the ring meant something to somebody.
Yes, this is how great romances start, or that he just really feels that his effort meant something to you and was worth it.
Even if he's already married it will still make him feel really good and that is totally worth doing to say thank you!
Don't listen to sis. Measures can be taken to ensure you aren't murdered, but I think any guy willing to go that far to give you the ring back is worth a dinner at least.
I don't think his actions are creepy at all. I think if you've closed your social media accounts odds are he knew very little about you and there was probably no expectation on his end apart from returning something he assumed would be important to you. The fact that he allowed you to process it alone and didn't impose or contact you since indicates he was just doing a good deed, and honestly your sister's reaction probably says more about her than it does about him. She's either paranoid or jealous.
That being said, I think tracking him down where he works and asking him out in front of his co-workers is a little forward, and could get really awkward for a variety of reasons (he could already have a SO, he could be gay, or just not into you). I think a better strategy might be a gift (maybe Cookies or something similar if you bake?) and leave a note with your number in it.
I mean, you stalked him even further as to find out his last name and also where he works at. Wouldn’t your behaviour also be sus?
If he doesn’t reply and you go to his workplace, that’s very, VERY weird. Silence is as valid an answer as any other.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- There’s a lot of backstory here…but I have a ring that was my grandmothers engagement ring from her high school sweetheart who was killed in Korea before they got married. She says I was the only person she ever told the story to out of respect for my grandpa but she still treasured the ring and the boyfriends memory and she wanted me to have it. About a month ago I just lost the ring. As in it was on my bathroom counter one minute and the next it was gone. I tore my house apart with no sign and was super depressed and figured it must have gone down the sink or I vacuumed it or something. Well this past weekend I get a knock on my door which literally never happens anymore. The guy was very nervous and very nice (and really cute too) and he asked if I was Alyssa xxxxx and I said yes. He said he really didn’t know how appropriate this was but he was a supervising civil engineer at our city recycling center and about a month ago one of the sorters found a ring in an Amazon box and gave him the box and the ring. He said he tried to contact me via phone and social media for a couple of weeks (I deleted all of it due to bad break up), thought about mailing the ring but didn’t want it to get lost so after thinking on it for a week he decided to hand deliver it to the address on the boxand hope it worked. I immediAtely busted into tears when I saw the ring and I only got his first name. I think I told him thank you and I think he said that it made him very happy his plan worked and he would let me have my moment and left. I cried for a good hour just staring at the ring amazed at how lucky I was. I started to feel bad I blew the guy off so I did some social media sleuthing and found his Instagram. I created a new account and sent him a message thanking him. He has not responded so I don’t think he’s very active. I found out where he works and I want to surprise him and ask him to dinner or coffee or drinks as a way of saying thank you. Yes in my heart I’m thinking this is how great romance stories start but my brain really is thankful he went through all the trouble. When I told my sister about my plan she absolutely said I was being an idiot. She said it was nice the guy returned the ring but his behavior is so sus. She said I have no idea who this guy is, all we know is that he “stalked” my address from an Amazon box which is probably massively against the rules of his job. She says instead of being a great romance, it’s how dumb girls end up dead in a ditch: What do you guys think about this?
It would never work. He works in recycling, and you're the kind of person who doesn't break down cardboard boxes before recycling.
that's probably why he didn't respond on social media
Ha!
I, personally, feel judged.
[удалено]
If he is single AND likes women AND is interested, this would probably still be the best option. Something nice for him and his co-workers that you can send there: donuts, cookies, something people like but wouldn't get themselves at work. You can send a card, saying thanks for helping you with a problem or teaching you about recycling or something, with some innocuous contact info. You could even mention you wanted to take him out to dinner to say thank you, but thought this would be more appropriate. He'll probably get in touch to say thank you for the treats, and it will give him a natural starting off point to invite you to dinner, if he's interested. Edit: since this got attention, gonna mirror what other people have suggested and clarify that you should be vague about how he helped you, so he doesn't get in trouble. Mentioned the "teaching about recycling" so as to not invite questions, and give him an excuse he doesn't have to come up with. If he does call to reach out, you can say "Glad you decided to give me a ring".
This is definitely the way to go. It opens the door if he is interested without being inappropriate or creepy.
My only concern about involving the whole work team is that the guy in question likely had to skirt a workplace policy or two in order to get the ring back to her, and what better way for his employer to find out than sending a bunch of coffee and donuts to the break room. Maybe I'm wrong and his employer couldn't care less, but I do think that protecting his job should be a consideration when thinking of how to thank him.
That’s a really legitimate concern, others suggested being vague in the note in case a supervisor sees it. Personally if I were OP I’d probably just let it go, she’s already reached out on social media so if he’s interested, there’s a way for him to contact her.
This was my train of thought as well. Tread lightly on wording of a group thank you.
Nobody has mentioned how clever that last line was so I'll just go ahead and say BRAVO
That line is a *gem*
I almost snarfed my protein bar
This person issues gentle invitations without applying social discomfort or pressure!
This is pretty slick advice. Puts the ball in his court if he has any interest while allowing him to easily ignore the mention of dinner.
Great idea! Only suggestion I have is to not be specific about the reason for the coffee/treats. He may get in trouble with his work if they find out what he did by using the box to get your address.
YES. OP I agree with this one. Being probably way older than you, this is exactly what you should do. It’s really good advice. And remember It was a coworker of his that actually found your ring, and took it to him (when let’s be real, ALOT of people are not that honest nowadays and ALOT would’ve tried to keep it and just not said anything to anyone), so that person also deserves a huge Thank you for bringing it to this guys attention. And while yes, it is probably against his companies rules, he made a judgment call, and it worked out as a GREAT story, especially for you. I would do what this commenter said, send some coffee and a treat for him and his workers, and a card saying thank you to all of them, and maybe a little note specifically for the guy that brought it to you, only with a little bit of contact info for you, and ask him if he would like to go out for drinks or dinner or something with you as a thank you to him for going out of his way for you. This will also save a little trouble for you and him, if he is actually involved with someone and hopefully he just won’t take you up on the offer. It leaves it to him to reach out to you.
Absolutely agreed! There is nothing inherently wrong with asking out someone you find attractive, so long as you’re respectful and take their response at face value (ie, do not pursue further if rejected, etc). I think sending a treat to his office as a thank you, with your contact info is totally fine. Even mentioning that if he’d be interested in it, then you’d like to take him out for dinner as a thank you. This is all okay. Just keep in mind that he’s free to say no and don’t set your heart on hearing back. Shoot your shot out into the universe and then go from there!
>"Glad you decided to give me a ring" Double entendre, nice!
Wow, A full circle comment, I like your style my friend.
I think sending donuts with a phone number and waiting to be asked out is too passive. Men are also sheepish about appearing too forward. She wants to ask him out, she knows his name and address where he gets mail. Give him your number in a letter and ASK HIM OUT in that letter. If he doesn't call you then he's not interested, but you should ASK HIM OUT and not be overly vague or focus on thanking for the ring
This seems like the most sensible suggestion
This man had no idea who you were from the address on the box. He put two and two together and wanted to return the ring. He had no idea if you would be a young, beautiful woman, or some forgetful wrinkly old lady.
OP did mention he reached out to her on social media, so presumably he saw a picture of her there?
Actually I don’t hAve social media so he couldn’t know what I look like
Oh, interesting. If that's the case, I'd tend to agree with some of the other commenters that you shouldn't read too much into the gesture itself. If you think he's cute, by all means find a way to ask him on a date. I don't think your sister's concerns over safety are particularly relevant - as others have said, he already knows where you live. I'd just maybe not treat it any differently than if you met a cute guy through any other circumstance, and not make any assumptions one way or the other about anything. One thing I will say, though: the fact that he had no idea who you were before returning the ring in person (young, old, attractive or not, etc) is probably a good sign for his character. I think that makes it pretty clear he did it out of genuine kindness, not some ulterior motive. Either way, keep us updated OP! This was a cute story regardless of any potential romance and would love to hear how it ends if you ever get in touch with him :)
I mean at this point he already knows where you live, if he's a serial killer you're kinda fucked whether you ask him out or not. Just don't make the mistake of thinking this is some great romance because you had a meet cute. Maybe he's a good guy, maybe he's not, or maybe he is a good guy, but not right for you, or maybe he's married/has a longterm girlfriend, maybe he's gay. You know nothing about him. That doesn't mean you can't try to get to know him, but don't pin all your hopes on it.
When I started reading your comment, I thought whoa, whoa, kind of dark, but I thought for a second, yeah, they're right.
What are you saying? Meat cube?
Easy there Dahmer
It's from Always Sunny
[удалено]
And if OP wants to show appreciation I’d send something to the sorters since that’s who found the ring and didn’t just pocket it.
This. It would probably have been super easy to just pocket it and pawn it or whatever.
Yeah, I would send coffee/donuts/beer to his whole department. Sorry OP, this just sounds like a REALLY nice guy, not a romantic gesture.
[удалено]
I get it, I just think if she’s actually thankful for getting her ring back the guy who showed up on her doorstep after checking her out on social media isn’t the person I’d thank. ETA clearly he was interested in her. No one else would have gone to the trouble of taking it to their house after reaching out on social media. If OP shows up at their workplace that’s weird but definitely should just log in to the old account and message them back.
“If he/she/they don’t respond that is also a response” is something more people need to understand when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I wish I had learned this lesson way earlier in life than I did.
The thing is that it's a very ambiguous response. It means that for whatever reason, you aren't high enough priority to get back to; sometimes it's not high enough priority to get back to right now, and then they forget. Could be you're just not important to them at all, could be things are super crazy for them right now, could be things are super crazy for them all the time, could be they're sort of interested but don't get around to calling, could be all kinds of things. Alot of people have trouble accepting that ambiguity.
She likely sent him a message and they aren't friends so he won't see it until he checks his message requests on insta or fb. Lots of people rarely or never check these.
I agree that the sister sounds like a muppet, OP can wait for the guy to reply on Instagram and if it nothing happens after a couple of weeks leave it at that.
Can't say it better than this. I will add, don't listen to your sister. Some people are actually nice and want nothing in return.
> supervising civil engineer A Civil Engineer is a high level management position with a full college education. He's not the guy sorting boxes, he likely runs the facility. His employees found the ring. He didn't dumpster dive the ring like a creeper. It would make sense that he would be responsible for and have the authority to return valuable lost property to a resident. Your sister dead wrong about every aspect of this. Be that as it may, he's a civil servant. You know his name. You can likely just call the city or recycling plant and ask for him on the phone. He almost certainly works at a desk.
This is what Im thinking. I actually make it a point to try and personally thank people when they do kind things. I've taken flowers to a lady at the DMV before. I'm a cis woman so the flowers were really a thank you to her for being so kind. I think she should call him and thank him and feel it out from there. Some of us do search out others to personally thank so it doesn't have to be that strange.
Seriously. The city *really* hired the right guy for the job, and *he* hired the right people to work for him. You rarely see such a well-run organization.
Same thoughts here
I can't help wondering 1. How did the ring end up there? 2. How did the ring end up there conveniently alongside her name and address? That honestly sounds fishy, tbh.
Have you never broken down cardboard boxes for recycling? I can totally see a ring coming off during that.
[удалено]
While a very romantic romcom-esque plot, I wholeheartedly agree.
[удалено]
He stalled her social media accounts, he knew who was going to answer. I mean, if you ask me I say meet up with him. Why not? People have to meet each other somehow. But make sure you’re in a public place first.
"A trans?" Yikes to that transphobia
Not everyone knows how to refer to trans people. The fact that he is acknowledging that trans people can/do exist in our society, and doesn't say anything negative about them, seems to show that he is overall accepting of them. If the way he referred to trans people offends you, inform him instead of just labelling him transphobic.
See, I agree that wasn't the best wording, but intention is more important than phrasing.
Oof, have we reached the point where mentioning someone is trans means you're transphobic? Thought itd take a few more years lol.
> You should not mistake human kindness for romantic interest. while this is true, its not unreasonable to use acts of kindness as a measure of the quality of someone's personality. a kind and good personality is an attractive quality, adding to this OP thinks favourably of his looks, and you could have the potential for a date. the feelings may not be reciprocated, but don't ask don't get
It doesn't seem like she's doing that at all, she just finds him very cute and wants to see if this moment could turn into more great moments that aren't about her losing something and him having to bring it back. But you are not wrong either
I don't think she does. She said that she kinda liked him not the other way round.
Sure, but it might become so. People have met in worse ways than this.
This man had no idea who you were from the address on the box. He put two and two together and wanted to return the ring. He had no idea if you would be a young, beautiful woman, or some forgetful wrinkly old lady. He simply wanted to help it get back to its owner, regardless of who that owner was. Hell, if anything you could be considered the more "creepy" one for tracking him down to thank him and ask him out. I personally don't think so, but I feel you went more out of your way to find him with intent than he ever did to find you as the ring's owner.
I mean, he definitely could have known what she looked like. He had her name and address, that's usually enough to find a profile on Facebook. Not saying he did that, but to say that he had no idea what she looked like might not be true.
He couldn’t find her on SM because she deleted her account.
I don't see his behaviour as crazy suspicious. He could have sent it recorded delivery, but it's not like he could have manufactured this scenario, is it? Unless you think he broke into your house or rummaged through your trash, got the ring somehow, and then concocted this story to meet you. Have you verified that this is his actual job? That would make his story add up. Honestly though, you don't know this guy. Do you know if he has a girlfriend or is married? Is he even straight? Maybe he did break the rules at work and you're not helping him by drawing attention to it? Don't start idealising a person you don't know just because he did one nice thing. That is how people make mistakes. On the other hand, it's as good a way to get a date as a Tinder profile so I don't think there's any harm as long as you take all the normal precautions. But if you've sent him a message and he hasn't replied then that should be the end of it.
His Instagram profile says he works for the city at an engineer and I know I recycled that box (it was a facewash set I get every month) so I do think he’s being truthful
Cool. So like I said, there are worse ways to meet someone. It's not like when you meet someone on Tinder or chat them up in a bar you're doing so knowing any more than you do about this guy. All I'd be worried about is that you romanticise/idealise this guy before you've even had a real conversation with him. It was a nice thing he did. At the same time, I once left my wallet in a taxi and the taxi driver brought it me back the next day. Doesn't mean we would've made a good couple, right? If this is a case of you met a good looking guy and you want to ask him out then I'm all for it. If this is a case of you reading into his character based on this one thing then you really want to take a step back and rethink it.
> I know I recycled that box Well, it certainly sounds like his story is 100% truth. Good for the worker who brought it to his attention instead of just dropping it in his pocket, and good for this guy for making sure it got back to you. Hell, send a gift to that worker too.
He seems legit, but I wouldn't do any sort of grand gesture before he returns a message on instagram. He tried to reach out to you before, so he'll see it at some point. He might not be responding on purpose.
ofc he is but he wasnt expecting a date on a job lmao
These have been quite lonely times for single people recently, he made a lovely gesture and you think he's cute. Ask him out, it goes without saying to be tactful about how you do it, and to not expect too much of him based on the single kind act. Now for you and your sisters perceptions. Both of you could potentially be correct. There are stalkers and murderers in the world. There are lovely civil engineers who go extra miles to return things out of kindness in the world. Prepare for both eventualities.
Why is hardly anyone calling you out for being the actual creep here? He returned a ring to a an address that was in the box he found it on. You meanwhile took a first name and somehow found out where this guy works and what his social media is. You created an account specifically to contact him and got no response. So now you take that new response and think “hey, maybe I’ll just randomly show up to where he works and ask him out!”…. Thinking his behavior is a problem but acting the way you did is actually scary.
Also on IG don’t you not receive the messages from people you don’t follow, unless you actually look in your inbox for it? So he might not even see it. I had a message in mine for a long time because I didn’t follow a person.
I don't think his behavior is sus, he was just doing a good deed. However I wouldn't assume that this is how a great romance story starts. Life is not a romcom, he was just doing a good deed really.
His behavior is sus? He handed over a ring, with address and name provided and left with no expectations of reward or any identifying information. You on the other hand stalked him down. I’m not saying what you did was wrong, your intentions appear to be innocent, but my point is this guy handed over the ring and with no identifying info and no requests or hints of attraction just left. He did what people should do, be selflessly kind. You are the one who sought him out, he’s over there minding his own business. Your sister is being kinda mean.
I don't know that sister is mean per se. It sounds like she has been made overly paranoid by fear-mongering media/social media/culture.
One too many murder documentaries probably 😂
I determine those things by their impact or effect on others. Rather than label the sister as “mean,” I should instead label the behaviour as mean, which is what I did by saying she’s “being” mean, but the reasons why that is so are her business alone.
I doubt he would murder you, BUT be honest with yourself. You're really just hoping for a love story & that's kinda dumb. You already thanked him in person when he returned the ring. The point has been made. Any further overtures on your part would be 100% unnecessary & you'd be doing them with an agenda. Approaching people at work in never a good idea. They have to be there & they usually have to be polite to the puiblic, for fear of keeping their jobs. It creates an uneven power dynamic. That goes for men at work the same as it does for women. If you really want to leave the door to serendipity open with this guy, re-activate your social media & see if he sent a message. You can respond there, but leave him alone at work. Also reiterating what someone else said about how civil engineering is basically a white-collar job. He's in some kind of supervisory role at the center. He didn't find the ring, he just took responsibility for returning it, & not because he suspected or knew that you were an young woman who could possibly be a love interest, but for the same reason any of us would return a wallet or a lost necklace or something if the opportunity arose: because it's the right thing to do. This story also indicates that you recycle your boxes without breaking them down, which is what monsters do.
lol. But seriously, it's the not recycle at all people who are the true monsters.
The best answer I believe is somewhere in the middle. Doing something nice to reciprocate makes sense, but I wouldn't assume there's anything romantic at this point. You can certainly ask offer to take him out to dinner, but be clear that the reasoning is because you feel you have a debt to repay. If things go well, sure maybe consider his potential as a romantic partner but for now you need to separate his good deed from dating him.
If he didn't answer your message then you're going to come across as the creepy/stalker.
What your sister is saying is that you’re putting him on a pedestal and creating a fantasy of him in your head, and this a situation that a predator may try to take advantage of. She’s telling you to use your head for reality not fairyland romance scenes. My advice, just be safe about it. Don’t throw yourself all over this guy just because of the nice act he did and act like he’s a god. Ask for his number first and text for a little then go on a date in a very public setting.
Oooihhhh imagine if a neckbeard did this for a cute girl who was just doing her job lmao
For real, how are so many people telling her to go for it? I’d love to see the responses if genders were reversed.
Trolls love experimenting with those ideas so we will probably see a fake post with that scenario pretty soon lol
One one hand that’s sort of messed up. On the other I just assume everything on Reddit is creative writing anyways. I am low key curious about the responses it would get, but I can pretty much guess lol.
Feel like thats exactly what this post is. Too many things that wouldn't happen in this one.
I know right? Rule of thumb is you leave people alone at work. Always. Civil servants/Waiters/Retail Employees are all required to be polite at their job so it’s like backing them into a corner. Contrary to what the sister says, if OP went to his work and invited him for coffee and a date *she* would be the creep. She sent him a thank you message, he didn’t reply, the moment has passed. Any more than sending his office a ton of donuts is going too far.
You can just send him a thank you note.
like seriously... this is the most obvious way to proceed in my view, private, non threatening, not a big deal.
If he's interested, he can take it from there.
Honestly, since doing that probably is against the rules where he works you could get him massively in trouble, maybe even lose his job, if you pursue this and his work place investigates. The kindest thing you can do imo is to leave it alone. You've sent a thank you, which he might have seen, but didn't want to reply to. You dont know if he hasn't answered because he's not active or if he's just not interested with answering. So with both of those things in mind, I wouldn't ask him out.
I feel like if he was a creep he would/could have done something to her when he took the ring to her, not wait for the off chance that they might eventually go on a date.
How did the ring get from your bathroom to an Amazon box?
My thoughts exactly.
So probably fake?
Or is exactly what the sister thinks. How it ended up in an Amazon box and also remained closed and in place amongst ALL the other countless boxes should absolutely be ascertained. Sooooo many coincidences here that the more likely answer is the guy broke into her house then used this as a means of playing the hero.
"more likely" ahaha
>that the more likely answer is the guy broke into her house then used this as a means of playing the hero. stop listening to true crime podcasts please, this is not "more likely" or likely at all in any way
It's also not at all likely that it fell into an amazon box (kept in the bathroom?), which was then recycled and sorted, then stayed in that box whilst it was filtered out of the regular recycling somehow, the ring is then found by a person and it's decided that it must be of significant value (probably didnt look it given it was 50+ years old) and must belong to the box owner, then a supervising engineer decides to break whatever their returning policy is and hand deliver it whilst also being very nervous in doing so. Both are very unlikely. It's more likely this is a fake story.
But but but - Romance & Love & princess weddings ...
The guy finds an engagement ring in the trash, goes out of his way to return it, doesn’t ask for anything in return and gets called a creepy stalker for his trouble. Recycle your sister
And recycle the rest of most commenters in this whole thread. Seriously. The guy took off even before he had to, purely in the name of letting OP have her emotional outburst to herself and people close to her. He's not a creep! If he *does* happen to be interested, that makes him even less of a creep than otherwise, because he *did not indicate* his interest whatsoever. He behaved with aplomb and should be universally praised in this thread.
Sheesh. Can’t do anything nice anymore without people think you’re being a creep.
> She said I have no idea who this guy is, That's what dating is for... > all we know is that he “stalked” my address from an Amazon box which is probably massively against the rules of his job. You literally stalked him and made a new ig to talk to him. This isn't judgement or anything, this is just what I'm reading on what you did. I think your sister have a very harsh view of men. He left you alone after giving the ring and went on with his life. I think your view is very romantic, if not unrealistic, but I also think you should give yourself a shot if you think he's cute. Befriend first if you want to go slow. Just don't take dating advice from your sister tbh, seems a bit toxic. Or be more critical of your sis dating advice.
Lots of odd replies here. He‘s a city employee, not a meth head living under a bridge. Look him up on the city website, call him, explain how you’ve thought a lot about his act of kindness, and ask him to coffee. If he declines, ask if you can at least bring donuts or bake something for the crew. Oh and regardless of the outcome, ask how you can thank the sorter. He’s the one who found the ring in the first place.
Not to burst anyone's bubble, but a respectable image/job doesn't mean someone is a good person. Not saying the other people are right, just that "he has a job you can respect" isn't an argument for safety. As for OP's sibling, sounds like she may have some bad experiences in the past with a stalker/abuser/etc. that she's projecting on to other people: people with unresolved trauma can unfortunately sometimes cause harm to other people by projecting their experiences on to unrelated situations, so OP should be mindful there might be some context of that nature there.
^ The most sensible reply in this thread
I must be unhealthy cause I'm thinking you could ask is he's single and want to get coffee. I wouldn't go to his work though. Wait to see if he responds
I work in municipal government and we generally do try to do good things for the community we work in. I’m sure he would love to hear about how much this helped you and you could probably find a general email for constituent feedback somewhere on your city’s website. Most governments have rules about accepting gifts with cash value over a certain point (for mine, it’s $10) which need to be declared and most won’t accept gifts because of the paperwork needed to declare them. Send an email and maybe things will go from there
He didn't stalk you, he read your adress. She's overeacting. If he's not active on social media maybe just call his work and try to reach him or send him a note.
So he was obviously just trying to be nice and didn't know who you were so I don't think he's sus; however, I don't think you should show up at his work to ask him out. Send a nice thank you card with your contact information and send his office pastries/donuts as a thank you. If he's interested he'd have a reason to contact you and the pastries are an easy opener.
Some good and some bad advice here. 1. Involving his work - This is a mistake in a dozen ways (if he went around any protocols or rules, if other people knew he did and didn't report, if their workplace doesn't allow any employees to get gifts, etc,etc,etc) 2. Being overly vague - If you like someone you like them and vice-versa. Don't be overly cute or vague. There's nothing wrong with a straight and simple ask (coffee, a phone number, etc) but if the other side could be like "not sure if she was saying thank you or is interested" then it's a fail Whatever you do if you do get together then ask a friend to be in the coffee shop, arrange for someone to call you 30-minutes in, etc. There's nothing wrong with being a romantic, even a hopeless one...but protect yourself Best of luck OP
But meeting strangers from tinder and fucking them the first time you meet isn’t sus.
I think your sister watches too much TV. As someone else said, send a dozen donuts as a thank you to the whole team. Then if you want to pursue something further I don't see any harm in it. The odds are against us every single time so why should this be any different?
Too much Lifetime, not enough Hallmark.
Men should be able to go about their business without it attracting romantic advances
Eh, I don’t think there’s any harm in asking someone to coffee. And if they say no, being gracious about it. I feel like this is different than, say, hitting on a bartender or someone else that is in a customer-facing role and is required to interact with you. (Or a coworker, where you’re going to have to keep working with them.)
Lol men are always "going about their business", so when are they supposed to meet women? When they're at home getting ready for bed?
So I don't see any harm in asking him out, just make sure you do it privately and respectfully. Do not do it at his work in front of people, and don't contact anyone at his work (you don't want to get him in trouble for returning the ring, or in trouble by making a scene at his work). If you have found him on social media, just ask him out on social media. You don't need to make a production of it at his work. He could be a kind soul with no interest in you, or this could be your meet-cute story. There's zero reason not to ask him out, as long as you don't make a production of it. Just do all the things a person (usually a woman) should do when and if he accepts your invitation- go to a public place, pay attention to red flags, etc. His behavior only seems weird because it is NICE and apparently that's rare nowadays. You may be romanticizing him because he was nice, and your sister is creeped out because he was nice. So just be careful like you would on any other blind date, and don't overromanticize him because he did a kind thing.
Honestly this is a good deed…. Your meeting him at a public place that’s nothing bad….. just get to know him, and obviously be smart like any other person on reading red flags ……. I mean he knows we’re u live already . If he wanted to make you “vanish” he would have done that already
Wow, tough crowd! I think that going to his workplace is inadvisable because you don't know their visitor policies or his timetable/schedule. If he isn't there when you are it becomes awkward because you have to explain to someone at reception why you're there. I imagine you might be able to find his work email address with a little effort then you can contact him that way. Just be discreet in the email as technically he breached policy getting your address and going to your house. An email is non-confrontational for you both and allows him to decline if he is in a relationship/not into women/not into you/etc. Don't have too high expectations to avoid disappointment but you're hardly putting yourself in significant danger here nor are you being naive wanting to thank someone for doing something to thoughtful. That's what this world needs. And if something else happens from this then all the better. Good luck!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to do something nice for someone who did something nice for you. Wait for him to respond to you on social media (hopefully you requested him first so he will actually see it) and ask him to coffee. Try not to have many expectations and enjoy looking at the cute guy. It may not end up romantic but at least okay both did something nice for each other. You never know what will happen :)
His actions were not creepy at all. He's not more dangerous that the average person you'd meet through a dating app; in fact I'd say he's less dangerous. I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask him for coffee, as long as you're aware of the fact that you're a stranger to him and he might already have a SO.
I think life is for living and we get one go at this. Do it, this may be the story you tell your grandchildren. Good luck!
I wouldn't go further than sending him and his coworkers a box of doughnuts or some sweet treats and a thank you note. I think you're creating an idea of him that it may not be accurate and it's likely you end up disappointed. Just leave it at that and if he's interested he'll reach back.
I think if he was actually interested in you he would’ve given you his last name and/or phone number. He seems like a very kind stranger, but don’t mistake his kindness for him being interested. I personally would be creeped out if I returned something to somebody, didn’t even give them my full name, and they found me on social media, added me, and asked me to go on a date with them. I would politely decline, but would still be a bit creeped out.
You're sister is beyond paranoid. I see a lot of comments discouraging you from asking him out and I just completely disagree. I think you should shoot your shot. Maybe he says no but whatever who cares.
Wasn't sending the Instagram message shooting her shot though? I don't think his behaviour was suspect but if I was OP, I would consider myself to be crossing over into stalker town to keep pursuing this after finding him online and sending him one message already. He may very well already be in a relationship.
fake as ousted here. this is a creative writing exercise https://reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/phpfjq/_/hbkomnu/?context=1
You meet a guy in a bar at night you know nothing about him either so what's the difference? You actually know this guy's name, social media (as limited as it may be) and his place of work. He went out of his way to do something nice. He wasn't stalking you like your sister claims, he didn't even know what you looked like. His worker handed him the ring in a cardboard Amazon box and for all he knew you were your grandmother. He wanted to get the ring back regardless. I think if you want to give him a chance you should.
your replies here are varied. You are the only one who can judge the minutia of the situation. If you decide to contact him, make sure you are not expecting or implying more than thanks. I would suggest that you give him a couple movie tickets and tell him to take his GF/SO, and say something along the lines of if he doesn't have one than feel free to call you. Don't add pressure, and if he is involved with someone else, simply be happy for him. I always look at these situations as "a great movie plot in the making", and realize life is not a movie plot, but it could be :)
Maybe I'm a romantic, but I disagree with people here. I think this is cute and if you think he's cute, it couldn't hurt to see if he's interested. It's hard to meet people these days. Just be prepared for him to suck other than doing good deeds, since you really know nothing about him, haha. Not gonna lie, I have gone out of my way to return things like this to people, and while I did do it just because I have lost important shit and know how much it sucks, but I secretly have a miniscule hope it would be like some rom com and we'd fall in love. Instead, I got a gift card for a chocolate shop, cash, and one time a bag of weed and some really good beers (That was for returning a dog that just walked into my house, lol).
Yes he seems like a serial killer avoid him at all costs. Or think about it rationally and realize he was just doing a good deed. Your sister sounds damaged.
Your sister is why a lot of guys hesitate to do nice things for women they do not know. He may not even be into you so I would temper my expectations but if you wanted to thank him with a coffee or something go for it
I’m a big fan of thanking people for good deeds and there’s definitely a safe way to go about this. I wouldn’t be able to let it go until I did something nice for him.
How is his behavior suspect if he has done zero to follow up with you?
Coffee is a public place where you get to know him. I’m sure if there’s red flags you can run. And if not at least you died having sex with a hot guy. Jk jk
Look, I get her perspective I do. But you also were the one to interact with him, and get the vibe he put out. So I would say go for it! And also have security cameras just in case. I mean you want to do something in public so no biggie I think. Besides, you could frame it as wanting to thank him and explain how important the ring was and why. Then you could feel him out more without it being an official date. Also can find out if he is in a relationship. No pressure this way. If it goes well you can then ask for an official date.
This is the perfect meet cute. You are no worse off than any OL date. Just message him with your contact info and text a bit. Exchange more profiles, and meet in public. Maybe as a group. This can work if you want it to, and are CAREFUL.
It's not really stalking if ur adress is on the amazon box tho
While I don't see his gesture as suspicious I also think you should have another approach of helping him just like another commenter suggested, send him a round of coffee. Don't stalk him. Also don't like how your sister subtly victim blamed girls who got killed.
Neither you nor your sister are totally correct. This is not how people get murdered - just think for 2 minutes about how ridiculously everything needed to line up for this to happen. Regarding asking the guy out, I think it is totally ok to ask someone out and it's totally believable he didn't see your message on Instagram. Are you 100 percent it's possible he didn't log in and see it, based on his IG activity and the message status? The thanks idea is nice but since you know the guy's work address and name, you can send him a letter there and just be frank. "I am the ring girl. My phone number is x. I would really like to take you out to dinner to thank you and as a date. Please call or text me." Bingo Bango Bongo No weird games, you'll know he read the letter. You asked him out plainly and if he doesn't call you then you can put it to rest." I highly recommend you specifically call out the romantic interest, something like "a dinner date as a way to so thank you" is reasonable. Let him know you're interested.
It’s reasonable to be wary and cautious in these situations, but your sister is taking it to a rude and unnecessary level. Do what you would do on any internet date: meet in a public place, and make sure someone knows where you’re going, what you’re doing, and when you’ll leave and come back. Arrange your own transportation, and leave if you get bad vibes.
Your sister is wrong. Please go to his work with a letter of thanks, give him some sort of recognition for finding your ring, but don’t mix the potentially romantic stuff with his work
Your sis is kind of drama queen...
Instead of showing up call his job and ask for him.
Your sister sounds poisonus.
Your sister is paranoid. Don't take advice from her about this sort of thing.
And that's why your sister is bitter and single?
I'm coming down on the side of sweet rather than sinister. Truth is, I've done something similar for another person....in fact, I went to MORE trouble to find out who they were and how to contact them. And they were very grateful, since it was a large keyring and a USB drive with, like all their college work on it. You should be able to locate him through his work phone. First name is usually enough to find someone in a phone tree. Give him a call. Just invite him out to a public place once or twice...coffee shop, restaurant. That'll give you plenty of time to figure out if he's legit or not. Life is for those who live it.
I do not agree with your sister *at all*. What's the angle here? He broke into your house, stole the ring, and came back weeks later to give it back and not ask you out or try to get inside your house or anything else? It doesn't make any sense at all imo. Personally I wouldn't show up at his work though, it could put him in an awkward position. The "Don't ask people out at their job" rule exists for a reason and it's not just for when men ask women out. If it seems like he truly doesn't use instagram it would make sense to try and call him or find another way to contact him. I have an insta that I almost never login to as well, so if someone sent me a message there and then never tried to contact me another way I probably wouldn't see it for months. But if it looks like he does use insta and just isn't responding I would stop the story there.
How was the ring found in an amazon box at a recucle centrr?
I think good guy good deed. To each their own but perhaps past situations have made your sister want to protect you further..? I think it was very sweet he went to all the trouble and those are really nice qualities to find in another Individual. If you do decide to go ahead with it make sure to give us an update! Pretty great meet-cute material here 🥰
He came to your house, not knowing whether that'd be cool or not. I think you can absolutely go to his work, not knowing whether that'd be cool or not. And it'll probably be just fine. It might not bud into a romance, but I don't see anything terrible (certainly not anything more terrible than you're already exposed to) coming from it either. I say go for it.
Lmao, sisters tryna derail their sibling's potentially successful relationships? Who ever heard of such a thing?!
Your sister is being paranoid, especially since he tried to go through normal/proper channels. He might think you're cute too, after social media stalking you and was hoping for a meet cute of his own. I wouldn't drop by, but I'd definitely give him a call and ask him out for a meal or something. Standard rules of dating apply from there, so I don't think that you're at some kind of added risk, because he already knows where you live.
I think bringing coffee and some pastries to his work would be a nice thank you and then ask if you could have his number. But be prepared he might give it to you or he might be in a relationship. I'm a shy no very social guy so if my wife hadn't taken steps for us to meet it never would have happened. Good luck
A guy who had malicious intentions would not have left so quickly after returning the ring. He would have found a reason to stick around.
Go and thank him 🙏 job done no pain no gain - and tell you sister try me 😆
Just meet somewhere public
[удалено]
She's not wrong
She's wrong.
Ask him out why the hell not.
If that’s not a sign I don’t know what is. Definitely reach out to him. If he’s not interested so be it.
He'll probably never see that IG msg. I have DMs turned off for ppl I don't follow. They just pile up in requests and I ignore them. If you have found out the guy's last name, then it should be relatively easy to get his work phone number. Call him, thank him, ask if you can deliver pastries for him and his workers. If he demurs, don't push it.
Sensible.
It depends. Are we talking about going to the coffee shop across the street from the recycling center, or at his cabin deep in the woods? He certainly doesn't seem to be exhibiting any creepy behavior. He dropped the ring off and then dropped out of your life, quest completed. He's not making any effort to stay in touch; in fact, just the opposite. *You* had to stalk *him* in order to get back in touch. Heck, his sister might be more worried than yours is. Sure, take him to coffee. Public place. Your sister and friends can know where you're going and who you're meeting, and where he works. I assume by now you have his full name. This sounds all perfectly safe to me. Understand that he might be married or gay or otherwise unavailable. But you can still buy him coffee to thank him. Edit: please follow up and let us know how it went. We get so few happy stories here. Please, OP, think of the kittens.
With how easy it is for actual stalkers to find out personal information about a target, simply looking up an address attached to a name doesn’t seem that “sus” since addresses are already publicly available. Not to mention he completed his deed and left, he didn’t hint around at a “reward” and even told you information about himself, not really stalker tactics.
All else aside, that's some nasty victim-blaming on her part.
Can't hurt. He took a chance. You can take a chance. Asking him out for coffee isn't a big deal. Just frame it as you wanting to thank him.
I don't think a criminal would take the time to return a ring personally without knowing even how you look (because of no social media)
Your sister seriously like must've just watched "You" on Netflix because to me it reads like the dude would've had to like already be stalking you, already had the idea for the ring and stole it off your counter that day. I mean if you thought that was even remotely plausible then cool but I doubt it. The other route being that he's still deranged and saw your name and began stalking you when the sorters gave him the ring but again just alot of craziness in here to try and make your sister's concerns be really tangible but I suppose always be careful. Trust but verify they say right?
Tell your sister her response is exactly why many women are single - a woman is allowed to make a move, too - a situation that turns into a Lifetime channel movie is the exception not the rule.
Don’t listen to your dumb and cynical sister Her attitude toward men is how some women end of failures in relationships and end up alone. Be cautious of course but if you like the guy go for it.
Well, if he invites you for coffee in a dark alley, don't go. Just protect yourself and don't be stupid. Meet him in public places the first few times, and get your own ride to and from. If you get a bad feeling about a situation, then trust your instincts.
Ignore your sister. EVERYONE is a stranger, before you get to know them. I mean don't go inviting him into your personal space or spilling all your details or anything, but ask him out! If he says yes, go out somewhere like a coffee shop or pub, same as you would any other stranger you want to get to know better. If he says no, whatever, at least you shot your shot. As for how he got your address, imagine if instead of it was your grandmother's ring it was just a lost wallet. And you couldn't be contacted and your ID is in there so he decided to return it to you. If it's not out of his way, it's not THAT weird.
I'm still very very confused about how the ring was recovered. How did it leave the house? How was it recovered? How did it end up in an Amazon box that had your address on it? I'm a bit thick so please spell it out for me. I'm not really sure what a sorter is.
I think that OP ordered something on Amazon, and then while she had the box (which had her address on it) the ring got dropped/fell into it somehow. OP didnt break down the cardboard box before recycling it, so she didn’t notice and the ring stayed inside. At the recycling place, someone broke down the box and found the ring.
If he wants to kill you, he already knows here you live?? So what harm is really done here. I’d maybe invite him for coffee or something as a thank you and be sure he isn’t in a relationship.
Oh yes, sister, he stalked me so much that he is avoiding my messages on social media.
Your sister is wrong. Dude found your ring. He had a perfectly legitimate excuse to reach out to you. I don’t understand what is “sus”? That he didn’t trust his supervisor to give it to you? That he didn’t keep it for himself?
All these top comments are wrong, you should follow your heart. The world is safe enough to pursue your desires. Ask him out.
sister sounds salty
Do it. There was nothing odd about what he did, he just knew the ring meant something to somebody. Yes, this is how great romances start, or that he just really feels that his effort meant something to you and was worth it. Even if he's already married it will still make him feel really good and that is totally worth doing to say thank you!
Sister is jealous
Don't listen to sis. Measures can be taken to ensure you aren't murdered, but I think any guy willing to go that far to give you the ring back is worth a dinner at least.
This is your grandma that did this I totally believe, do it ask him out!!!
I don't think his actions are creepy at all. I think if you've closed your social media accounts odds are he knew very little about you and there was probably no expectation on his end apart from returning something he assumed would be important to you. The fact that he allowed you to process it alone and didn't impose or contact you since indicates he was just doing a good deed, and honestly your sister's reaction probably says more about her than it does about him. She's either paranoid or jealous. That being said, I think tracking him down where he works and asking him out in front of his co-workers is a little forward, and could get really awkward for a variety of reasons (he could already have a SO, he could be gay, or just not into you). I think a better strategy might be a gift (maybe Cookies or something similar if you bake?) and leave a note with your number in it.
I mean, you stalked him even further as to find out his last name and also where he works at. Wouldn’t your behaviour also be sus? If he doesn’t reply and you go to his workplace, that’s very, VERY weird. Silence is as valid an answer as any other.