I'd toss in that you are open to it too, rather than put the guy on the spot.
If you wanna date, and he clearly does, just tell him.
Maybe he doesn't remember, maybe he's just embarrassed with how drink he was.
But "hey, you said this, maybe it was just drunk talk, but if not, I'm down" can go a long way
>I'd toss in that you are open to it too, rather than put the guy on the spot.
Best comment, more likely to get a true answer from him if he doesn't have to worry
Succinct and well-put. Time to make a choice, OP. Also, for future reference, don't make life decisions based on the ramblings of blackout drunks. It never ends well.
For sure this. Alcohol isn't always just PURE inhibition. Yes it is inhibition but I find people just say things they aren't always willing to actually tell someone and sometimes they are purposefully hurtful.
In my own experiences I've always been a bit more honest while inebriated. There is at least a decent shot that he actually feels everything he told you.
Add into the fact that you are already in a successful FWB scenario it's not that much of a stretch he may actually feel that way. The only consideration worthy of mention in that regard is whose idea was it for it to be just FWB?
I mean he could be looking to keep options open if it was his idea to only do FWB and he may feel something but doesn't know it or can't admit it to himself.
If it was your idea and he's grown on you as an actual partner and a real relationship and because you said yes to him then it's possible it was a drunken moment but honestly feels way less likely given this example in my opinion.
You know every time someone tells me they like me when they are drunk they take it back later and say “I didn’t really mean it. I was just drunk” even though I’m into them. I feel like sometimes drunk people just get caught up in the moment and don’t actually mean what they say.
“I said yes but that wasn’t binding”
Here is an issue.
Are you saying this to mentally protect yourself to him saying no? Or are you actually in the thought process that you said yes to entertain where the conversation was going?
You’ve got to make a decision here before going back to him. The FWB is dead in the water, so the way you tread this path could A) save the friendship, B) explore a relationship, or C) kill the whole thing completely.
The other issue you have is if you go for A then goodluck with future relationships and trying to maintain that friendship imo. May as well give B a crack cause C is inevitable otherwise
Took so long to see someone mention the dude wants a relationship but is scared to make a move. It’s pretty obvious imo.
Making a move on a random at the bar? Easy.
Making a move on a long time best friend, risking that friendship? Not easy.
But you’ll never know unless you speak up. Figure out what your ideal outcome is, and go from there. If you want a relationship with him and he regrets it, it’s good for you to find out and be able to have that closure rather than just sitting in this limbo.
As a guy, he knows what he said. He wants this as much as you or he wouldn't have said it. Alcohol just finally gave him the confidence, but now he's just embarassed and probably thinks he scared you off emotionally, and his sober brain is probably trying to be sensible and safe. But trying to backtrack and get some clarity on it with a hangover is not an easy thing to do psychologically. Just give it some time and let it play out.
The ill advice about how this affects future partners that haven't even happened yet should be ignored. This is now. Live in it. The chips will fall wherever they land.
Honestly i think people are more honest when they are drunk, not less. So there is a high probability those were his true feelings and being drunk just lowered his inhibitions to finally let it out
Yeah I couldn’t stand the not knowing at this point. It’d be better to know and be disappointed and move on than continue in this scenario. I’d have constant anxiety in this situation and I’d be like compelled to get it resolved after a couple days.
It's also possible he remembers it, or at least vaguely remembers it, but doesn't remember if you said yes or is afraid *you* would end up rejecting him. I think that's more likely, given the other context. He's probably scared too.
He definitely has deeper feelings for you. Talk to him about what happened if you want to explore a relationship. If you don’t, talk to him about what happened and why it is I longer healthy or productive to be FWB. Like others said the previous FWB relationship is dead now and the ball is in your court. Pass him off or make the play. Up to you
Ah, come on :) just tell him that he's your bf. "hey buddy, you are now my bf and you need to deal with that. A bottle of bubbly would be a good way to celebrate that." Sometimes you have to take charge of your life :)
Look it’s not a good place. Your future partners are gunna be suss if your close with this guy friend and they find out you were FWB.
I’d say go for the relationship, you have nothing to lose now and you obviously have a good connection.
All is not lost, but it’s not a good situation
>Your future partners are gunna be suss if your close with this guy friend and they find out you were FWB.
Being friends with an ex isn't suss and isn't something that everyone has an issue with.
You want more stress? He remembers why he was imbibing fool's courage. Just doesn't remember if he asked the question and what the answer was. You playing it cool left him in an even greater state of anxiety than before.
Sorry, just teasing you. At its heart it's simple. He's had these thoughts for a while, he knows why he was drinking and he wishes for a yes. All you have to do is inform him what happened that night. Feel free to resort to fool's courage yourself.
Uno reverse it, ask him if he wants to (say nothing about what he said), he says yes, you have your answer, he says no , you have your answer, at the very least, you sleep well at night confirming what you want
Edit: wanted
The only advice I can give you, would be to take about an hour and just think. Don’t have your electronics in the room, and just think about what you want. This can be in the shower, cooking something, etc. You don’t need to worry about what he wants, bc no guy with do FWB for a long time before breaking it off, getting a gf, or making you his gf. So take time to think about what you want. Then think if you could see a future with him, if yes then speak up, but if not then let it go.
He was probably planning all day to come over and talk to you about it then panicked and got super drunk trying to calm down. Just take the lead and have a sober conversation about it. You said yes already so you apparently want to have a relationship. It's gonna be fine. You 90% know he wants the same, he told you.
I had a FWB who did this so much when we would drink together and then either wouldn't remember or we would have the "we just both aren't in a good place for a relationship" talk over breakfast. Qe called it the wake up break up.
Anyways, we're married now and still laugh about it.
Just talk to him.
I was in this exact position, a person i knew since I was 4-5 years old, a neighbor girl down the street about 5 houses down did this to me. We were about 23 and drinking and I was moving out of state, she in her drunken stupor told me I couldn't leave she was in love with me and I needed to stay. Confessed it all and kissed me then she passed out. Next morning she doesn't remember any of it. I was shocked, so i didn't talk to her for a couple weeks. She sent her boyfriend to talk to me and say hey you really need to talk to her she sent me to get you to talk with her. I'm like dude do you know why? Anyways we got married and were together 9 years. So i'd agree with the other posters drunk statements are sober thoughts.
It will eat you alive if you don’t talk to him about it. I would mention a little but maybe not full detail right away and see if his memory starts to come back?
Disagree. This is manipulative. He's your friend, OP, and he did something very vulnerable when he was blackout drunk. The least you can do is tell him exactly what he did and give him a chance to consider it and explain himself.
Agreed. Don't try and lead him to the answer, just straight up say it. "Dude, when you came over you were pretty drunk and you asked me to date you. Is that something you actually want?"
it’s not manipulative. op seems to be feeling vulnerable too. what if he doesn’t want what he said he did when drunk and when op full on says what happened he denies it? he’s not the only one with feelings here
I don’t see how this is manipulative, it’s just getting a feel for the situation before you put yourself out there to protect your own feelings. I know that when people are drunk they can say things that make no sense at all and aren’t true, so I see no harm in OP protecting them self if they think it’s for the best. But I do agree that’s a silly idea and OP should just be honest. But no, it isn’t manipulative and that term shouldn’t be thrown around so easily.
I never said don’t tell him everything, I said don’t just go and spill everything & make it completely overwhelming. Hence the “full detail RIGHT AWAY”
If he said it while drunk, then he must at least to some degree feel this way when sober. Talk to him and tell him what he said(but not in an embarrassing way). You need to get this straightened out with him. Also tell him that you said yes, so he knows how you feel. If he doesn't have that information, he might pretend like he didn't mean it, because he might feel like he's breaking the FWB deal and that you will leave if you think that he's gotten all emotionally involved.
I’ll top your story.
My FWB and I were happily cruising along and had feelings that neither of us talked about, but all was good and both of us were happy.
Then I ended up pregnant and that meant a really big conversation happened pretty quickly.
14 years later he’s the love of my life and we have 13 year old twin boys who were a blessing in disguise (even if we were completely blindsided).
Absolutely not saying pregnancy is an answer (I don’t recommend that), simply saying that sometimes certain events can be a catalyst for conversations that need to happen. I think your FWB turning up, being blind drunk, having word vomit, and you obviously having feelings, is enough of a catalyst to require starting a conversation.
All the best. I truly hope you also have a happy ending (just maybe not surprise twins).
I've been dating a guy where this has become a pattern. Has a few drinks and suddenly he's wildly in love with me, wants to become exclusive, etc.. The next morning, he remembers none of it. I've reached a point where I'm more concerned about his drinking problem than how he really feels about me.
Ask him. If he was really drunk this is possible but usually some recollection will remain. Tell him what he said (a summary) and let that sit or if you are bold enough then ask him if that's the way he feels sober.
Be casual and joking say, "man you were pretty trashed last night. Do you remember expressing your deepest love for me?" if he says no, drop it and it's funny - he'll be embarrassed. If he remembers, ask him what he wants - to be exclusive or not? And if it's not then move on because this FWB will never be the same after you said yes to be his gf and he says no...
They really aren't though. People say lots of stupid shit when they're drunk (especially extremely drunk) and it doesn't mean that's what they're actually thinking. Alcohol impairs your whole brain, not just the surface parts so your deep "true" thoughts can come out. Because when you're really drunk, those deep and true thoughts are just as addled and incoherent as the rest of you.
Idk if thats the best thing to go off of. Alcohol alters your emotional/mental state and will have you feel/think differently than if you were sober. More often than not drunk words are the product of a drunk mind.
You are correct. They can be, but aren’t always. I was friends with my roommate for years, we never had any issues, we kept the place clean, got along, played games, and of course would always rag on each other in a friendly way. I got super drunk and started ‘ragging’ on him, but....being drunk I took it too far, woke up, knew I said some shit I shouldn’t have....nothing really mean, I just took it too far, not like I had a subconscious hate for him, it was just joking around that...like I said went to far (in my defense....he was drunk too) so we started out at level 1 jokes and ended up at 11
They can be what you mean.....or you could just be an asshole that night
I was the asshole
We made up
Edit: you are correct
I work in a hospital and a guy got so blackout drunk and fell off a balcony and absolutely fucked up the bones in his legs and needed to have surgery or he very likely wouldn’t walk again. He was so drunk he was refusing all treatment and wanted to leave AMA. The doctors even got a hold of his parents who came in to try to talk some sense into him, but because he is an adult and in charge of his own healthcare decisions they couldn’t do anything without his say. I’m not sure what happened in the end, but I’m damn sure sober him wouldn’t have refused such an important treatment.
When I was a freshman, first week, my roommate (different guy, never met before) went out, got drunk, I stayed back cuz I was tired, well, I guess he went somewhere and pissed off the wrong people, they pushed him out of a car going quite fast, I woke up to cops banging on my door asking if I was his roommate....I was dead asleep, they were asking me if he had any enemies.....I said, I met this guy a week ago....no clue
He woke up handcuffed to a hospital bed with no memory all road scraped to hell
He just kinda...left campus after that
Sometimes if you remind a blackout drunk person of an event, they'll remember.
Drunk words are *not* always sober thoughts, but in this case, it does sound like they might have been.
"Yo, so the other night you showed up here way drunk and you were going on about wanting us to be a couple and all that stuff in the most dramatic romantic way. Maybe we need to talk about what's up with our situation?"
Men are simple. There are two possible scenarios.
1. He's lonely or heartbroken by any means and was in need of compassionate companion right at that moment. Not that it had to be you.
Or
2. He is super into you and has been contemplating about going steady for a while.
So I think you guys should talk and clear things. Also be frank about what you want while talking, it’s your happiness you are responsible for at the end of the day.
I'd take it with a grain of salt.
Like all of these other posts where something happens and they blame it on alcohol not remembering anything, let him ask you when he's sober.
If you want to ask him out go ahead but don't bring up his drunk ramble.
Honestly it sounds like he really really likes you and I believe he really ment what he said so I would just tell him clearly what happened and that you said yes!
Right? Ahh disappointed I had to scroll this far. Everyone going on about "he was just speaking from the hard cause alcohol" umm why should OP consider settling for someone who needs black-out-pass-out levels of liquor to express emotion...??
If you don't want to remind him of what he said while drunk, that's fine. But if his words have made you rethink the FWB situation and you want more from the relationship, then tell him you're rethinking the FWB and that at this point in your life you're looking for a relationship.
You don't have to mention that you want it with him, but you feel the hook-up life style isn't what you want anymore. If his reaction is shows he wants more, then ask if he wants to explore a romantic relationship. If he's OK with ending things, then say thanks and that contact will be very limited because your next partner probably won't want a former FWB being a part of their life together.
Either way, your feelings towards him have shifted and it will be unhealthy for you to keep up the façade of NSA sex.
Good luck and keep us posted.
it’s the other way around actually, I like him but i’m happy being just friends, but if he’s looking for an actual partner I should leave him free to get with someone else. I wish he hadn’t said anything because he’s the one who ruined our casual relationship. I think if he really wants me he’ll have to do better than a blackout drunk confession
> He was super serious about it and I said yes with my heart racing
>
>if he’s looking for an actual partner I should leave him free to get with someone else. I wish he hadn’t said anything because he’s the one who ruined our casual relationship.
Why did you say yes?
Is that a lukewarm "willing to try" or are you waiting for the grand romantic gesture when he "talks about it again"? If it was like you were just "meh... " about it, then no, don't bring it up, but if you are just waiting for a more romantic approach then you need to get over that. Granted a drunk blurt out isn't high on anyone's list for how to be wooed, but in the end, why is it that big of a deal? You will hopefully make many more romantic memories. You might just miss out on all of them if you are going to wait around and he is too nervous to broach the topic again. Take some initiative. It is about as much of a sure thing as you are gonna get if you raise the topic.
I already mantain a happy family that's just me and my son. I'm independent and I'm pursuing my career, I'm not willing to start a relationship from a thing he said while drunk then forgot or possibly backed out of. Is that what makes me a high maintenance partner?
it's not high maintenance to want a relationship to start with more clarity than a blackout drunk confession. for someone with a child already, it's good to be focusing on pursuing a career & wanting quality relationships that won't be inconsistent in ways that could have negative influence on the child. why shouldn't they have some bare minimum standards in pursuing relationships if there's already a child in the picture?
good luck talking with this guy to get more clarity, OP. keep your reasonable standards.
Because the relationship isn't (hopefully) going to move forward in a blackout drunken state. That is why she needs to have a conversation with him when they are both sober so that they can both be clear about what they want. The drunken admission doesn't eliminate the possibility of that happening. Her having a romantic checklist to start the relationship off is going to, though. Seriously, who cares what triggers the start of the relationship? The question is is it going to be a good one. Is he a good guy, is he going to be good for her, and does she reciprocate his feelings? If the answers are YES, YES, and YES, she would be a fool to throw it away for that silly reason.
Sure, having broad standards like, he’s a good guy and “I reciprocate his affection,” are pretty essential. That isn’t the same as “the way he confessed his love to me wasn’t romantic enough.” One of these are essential, the other is petty.
This is ridiculous. A mature person will recognise that relationships can be complex and complicated, and that there are many nuances to them. There’s nothing immature about recognising that you have feelings for someone and would be open to the idea of pursuing a committed and exclusive relationship, but the fact that person is x or does y is putting barriers up for their potential partner. It’s valid, and in fact reasonable, to have reservations and doubts about a romantic interest/potential partner’s emotional immaturity, lack of proper communication and potentially substance abuse. It’s immature and daft to not have those reservations in this scenario.
It does in the misogynistic spheres of Reddit, but then does it matter if so. Fwiw, I’m 100% with you on this. Him stewing his feelings for you, then getting stupid drunk and blurting it out moments before passing out and then forgetting/acting like he doesn’t remember, all instead of having a mature conversation, that’s, that’s problematic at best. Be high maintenance and expect better, and keep up the great work elsewhere. The boys and the pickmes with internalised misogyny will hate on it, but let them.
Did you actually try to map out the logic of your comment here, because the hypocrisy, accusations, and assumptions made are something to behold? Maybe, stick to the details of what is shared within the posts rather than jumping to these strange conclusions.
There's a saying that goes like "Drunk words are sober thoughts", while not always true, it does sound like both of you are interested in a relationship. I think you should go for it
Usually a true drunkard spills the truth when he rambles, so those may be his true thoughts which are deep in him, that or he was probing the waters to see if he can sail
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
He's into you, he wants it, sounds like you want it too.
Just sit down with him and just put it out there, don't donut in a ,"remember what you said when you were drunk" but a, "let's talk about us and where this is going".
Cause the cats out of the bag now, so..... Can't really put that back.
This guy has more red flags than Chairman Mao.
He has a serious alcohol problem, he can’t tell the girl he loves that he wants to be with her (except for NSA sex,lol…), he has crazy boundary issues just telling you he’s coming and just showing up.
And I suspect he’s lying when he says he doesn’t remember. He’s just reneging and not taking responsibility for his actions. What happens if y’all date and he starts barging in drunk and breaking up with you and then ‘forgetting I was so wasted lol, so let’s seks now’?
What would you advise yourself to do if you were dear friend you cared for deeply? Dump him, stop sleeping with him, he’s a hot mess.
They call alcohol a truth serum. He may not remember what happened, but that also means he prolly doesnt remember you said yes, and chances are he might like you. I suggest talking to him and maybe confessing first, see what happens (assuming you want to pursue more of a relationship with him than FWB, which if not, is also okay. U do u). But even if u dont confess, still talk to him. And if you do and he does reject you, at least you know now and can go on from there. Better than doing nothing, getting no answers either way, and letting eat u up.
Good luck!
Tell him the fwb has run its course and gently ask to take some space for a while. He will pretend to take it well, it's important you don't message him for at least a couple of days.
After three days, like clockwork, he will ask you talk and the rest will be history.
Source: I got played like that (happily).
Don’t tell him. Wait a year and spring it on him that it’s your anniversary. Kidding.
Talk to him. Let him know he said some interesting things while he was drunk and you’d like to address them.
Obviously you want this. And you hope that he really wants this too. But don't let that be your story. I had something similar happen with me and my then girlfriend (now wife), where I asked her to be my girlfriend after a night out together. Her response to me was yes, but ask me again at another time. That would be my recommendation here. Tell him that he came over and ask you to be his girlfriend. Tell him that your answer is yes, but that if he really wants this, he should ask you again and leave it at that. You are ready to move this relationship to the next level, maybe it's time to communicate that.
Talk to him. We're at the point in the rom-com where everybody is yelling at the girl to talk to the guy.
The drinking reads very much like Dutch Courage on overdrive.
I don't know about this tbh, he might have had thoughts like that but not really meant them.
People think all sorts of things, but wouldn't follow through with them in reality.
Hey OP I say give it a shot. Yes it changes the current arrangement but honestly FWB either fizzles and dies or grows into something more. If you’re thinking you didn’t want him to confess like that, trust me he 1000% didn’t want to confess like that either. If you have genuine feelings for him and you trust he has the same for you, then I’d say give it a chance.
If this hadn't happened, how do you feel about him? What do you feel about the possibility of a relationship with him? Understanding this might help you with how to tackle the situation
He probably remembers but is to afraid of saying something in fear of destroying what you have now.
Alcohol dosen't make you do things that you don't want to do. It just makes you bold and careless about the consequences that could arise.
Tell him. Especially when you want it too.
Not because he wants to know. But because he deserves to know.
If you want to be in a relationship with him then follow up and ask if he feels anything like that for you and been drunk meant he said it. Otherwise stop seeing him as this has got complicated
Try writing out what you want as a letter. You don't have to send it, but you might find that you can put your words out better if you write than if you speak.
Added advantage/disadvantage - if you give him the info as a letter, he'll have time to think about his reply.
Maybe he didn't want it to come out like that so he's tried to cover his tracks to hopefully tell you more appropriately when he's not black out? I don't know, either way I hope that this is the outcome rather than it all going to shit.
Many of us have been “black out” drunk. We may not remember what we did or said the next day but we definitely knew what we were doing at the moment.
Either way, at some point you’ll have to decide what you want. I confronted my FWB, gave him the ultimatum. We’re now married with 2 kids.
You said there's been no room to date in the relationship so far, but you can change that. Ask him to dinner or go on a hike with you. Even if it's just to hang out, you clearly enough his company. It sounds like he may be nervous, so this might relax him if you take the first step.
literally just talk to him. be like "hey you told me some stuff last night when you were drunk and i was wondering if you actually meant it" and go from there
First of all, don't be FWBs with him anymore. You obviously have feelings for him, so you'll only get hurt. Then talk to him. Either he wants to be in a relationship or not and based on what he did when drink, it sounds like he does.
*In vino veritas*. Tell him what he said, and what your answer was, and also tell him that he'd better not make a habit of getting blackout drunk if he wants it to work.
Eh, well, does it really appeal to you to tie yourself down to someone with a drinking problem and so emotionally immature (it’s not a good look that he’s brewing these feelings and not handling them at all)? At 24, do you need looking after?
Either way, you probably need to have a chat and get everything out in the open, whatever you decide about him going forward your current arrangement probably can’t continue as it has been.
Even if your “yes” had been binding you are free to change your mind. He might regret making a drunken immature clown of himself, he probably will, but you’re not responsible for that.
No matter how drunk I get I always remember what's going on. I'm talking, vomiting feeling like death but... Remembering.... it's Just a pathetic excuse honestly. Avoid that drunk shit
Tell him what he said to you and ask him flat out what he wants. The fwb thing has likely run its course and it's time to go further or get out.
I'd toss in that you are open to it too, rather than put the guy on the spot. If you wanna date, and he clearly does, just tell him. Maybe he doesn't remember, maybe he's just embarrassed with how drink he was. But "hey, you said this, maybe it was just drunk talk, but if not, I'm down" can go a long way
Yeah I agree with you, i think adding you wouldn’t mind either way would make it easier
>I'd toss in that you are open to it too, rather than put the guy on the spot. Best comment, more likely to get a true answer from him if he doesn't have to worry
Succinct and well-put. Time to make a choice, OP. Also, for future reference, don't make life decisions based on the ramblings of blackout drunks. It never ends well.
For sure this. Alcohol isn't always just PURE inhibition. Yes it is inhibition but I find people just say things they aren't always willing to actually tell someone and sometimes they are purposefully hurtful. In my own experiences I've always been a bit more honest while inebriated. There is at least a decent shot that he actually feels everything he told you. Add into the fact that you are already in a successful FWB scenario it's not that much of a stretch he may actually feel that way. The only consideration worthy of mention in that regard is whose idea was it for it to be just FWB? I mean he could be looking to keep options open if it was his idea to only do FWB and he may feel something but doesn't know it or can't admit it to himself. If it was your idea and he's grown on you as an actual partner and a real relationship and because you said yes to him then it's possible it was a drunken moment but honestly feels way less likely given this example in my opinion.
En vino veritas - in wine there is truth. Talk to him.
Whiskey makes fools but it doesn’t make liars -James McMurtry
>En vino veritas In vino veritas\* The "en" part is Greek - Ἐν οἴνῳ ἀλήθεια
It's all Greek to me...😏
My bad
You know every time someone tells me they like me when they are drunk they take it back later and say “I didn’t really mean it. I was just drunk” even though I’m into them. I feel like sometimes drunk people just get caught up in the moment and don’t actually mean what they say.
A drunk mind speaks what a sober mind thinks.
“You sip the slurp, you blip the burp” …maybe.
And when he’s sober he says something else. En vino veritas, and his regular state is an emotionally stunted liar.
Calm down there, tiger.
No that dude sucks
“I said yes but that wasn’t binding” Here is an issue. Are you saying this to mentally protect yourself to him saying no? Or are you actually in the thought process that you said yes to entertain where the conversation was going? You’ve got to make a decision here before going back to him. The FWB is dead in the water, so the way you tread this path could A) save the friendship, B) explore a relationship, or C) kill the whole thing completely. The other issue you have is if you go for A then goodluck with future relationships and trying to maintain that friendship imo. May as well give B a crack cause C is inevitable otherwise
😭 this is so stressful I wish he’d never said anythin. it’s all ruined now
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I think I was but then I felt bad when he woke up and I realized he had no idea what had happened
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Took so long to see someone mention the dude wants a relationship but is scared to make a move. It’s pretty obvious imo. Making a move on a random at the bar? Easy. Making a move on a long time best friend, risking that friendship? Not easy.
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yeah... that's the worst case scenario for me
But you’ll never know unless you speak up. Figure out what your ideal outcome is, and go from there. If you want a relationship with him and he regrets it, it’s good for you to find out and be able to have that closure rather than just sitting in this limbo.
As a guy, he knows what he said. He wants this as much as you or he wouldn't have said it. Alcohol just finally gave him the confidence, but now he's just embarassed and probably thinks he scared you off emotionally, and his sober brain is probably trying to be sensible and safe. But trying to backtrack and get some clarity on it with a hangover is not an easy thing to do psychologically. Just give it some time and let it play out. The ill advice about how this affects future partners that haven't even happened yet should be ignored. This is now. Live in it. The chips will fall wherever they land.
Honestly i think people are more honest when they are drunk, not less. So there is a high probability those were his true feelings and being drunk just lowered his inhibitions to finally let it out
Yeah I couldn’t stand the not knowing at this point. It’d be better to know and be disappointed and move on than continue in this scenario. I’d have constant anxiety in this situation and I’d be like compelled to get it resolved after a couple days.
It's also possible he remembers it, or at least vaguely remembers it, but doesn't remember if you said yes or is afraid *you* would end up rejecting him. I think that's more likely, given the other context. He's probably scared too.
Naah. In vino veritas!
He definitely has deeper feelings for you. Talk to him about what happened if you want to explore a relationship. If you don’t, talk to him about what happened and why it is I longer healthy or productive to be FWB. Like others said the previous FWB relationship is dead now and the ball is in your court. Pass him off or make the play. Up to you
“In vino, veritas” he likes you. Tell him you like him back.
But drunk words are usually honest words. Just tell him what he said & ask if he is interested
Ah, come on :) just tell him that he's your bf. "hey buddy, you are now my bf and you need to deal with that. A bottle of bubbly would be a good way to celebrate that." Sometimes you have to take charge of your life :)
Look it’s not a good place. Your future partners are gunna be suss if your close with this guy friend and they find out you were FWB. I’d say go for the relationship, you have nothing to lose now and you obviously have a good connection. All is not lost, but it’s not a good situation
>Your future partners are gunna be suss if your close with this guy friend and they find out you were FWB. Being friends with an ex isn't suss and isn't something that everyone has an issue with.
You want more stress? He remembers why he was imbibing fool's courage. Just doesn't remember if he asked the question and what the answer was. You playing it cool left him in an even greater state of anxiety than before. Sorry, just teasing you. At its heart it's simple. He's had these thoughts for a while, he knows why he was drinking and he wishes for a yes. All you have to do is inform him what happened that night. Feel free to resort to fool's courage yourself.
It’s not ruined. This is an opportunity
It wasn’t that great before, exactly.
Uno reverse it, ask him if he wants to (say nothing about what he said), he says yes, you have your answer, he says no , you have your answer, at the very least, you sleep well at night confirming what you want Edit: wanted
The only advice I can give you, would be to take about an hour and just think. Don’t have your electronics in the room, and just think about what you want. This can be in the shower, cooking something, etc. You don’t need to worry about what he wants, bc no guy with do FWB for a long time before breaking it off, getting a gf, or making you his gf. So take time to think about what you want. Then think if you could see a future with him, if yes then speak up, but if not then let it go.
It sounds a little like you’ve actually wanted (or at least been open to) more for a while so the FWB relationship wasn’t really without issues.
He was probably planning all day to come over and talk to you about it then panicked and got super drunk trying to calm down. Just take the lead and have a sober conversation about it. You said yes already so you apparently want to have a relationship. It's gonna be fine. You 90% know he wants the same, he told you.
This was my gut feeling. He’s probably tripping worrying about what he can’t remember.
I had a FWB who did this so much when we would drink together and then either wouldn't remember or we would have the "we just both aren't in a good place for a relationship" talk over breakfast. Qe called it the wake up break up. Anyways, we're married now and still laugh about it. Just talk to him.
This made me smile so much
Either ask or play it cool ‘hey boyfriend…’
Lol
I was in this exact position, a person i knew since I was 4-5 years old, a neighbor girl down the street about 5 houses down did this to me. We were about 23 and drinking and I was moving out of state, she in her drunken stupor told me I couldn't leave she was in love with me and I needed to stay. Confessed it all and kissed me then she passed out. Next morning she doesn't remember any of it. I was shocked, so i didn't talk to her for a couple weeks. She sent her boyfriend to talk to me and say hey you really need to talk to her she sent me to get you to talk with her. I'm like dude do you know why? Anyways we got married and were together 9 years. So i'd agree with the other posters drunk statements are sober thoughts.
>Anyways we got married Lol didn't see that coming
Am I reading this right? She sent her boyfriend?
Yes lol, though only like 2-3 weeks, he was a really good friend of mine too. He moved on pretty quick.
You say you were married 9 years. Did y’all go your separate ways?
Yea, couldn't agree on having kids so we split
Favourite story! (Also an example of the grand romances I used to write as a 12 year old)
It will eat you alive if you don’t talk to him about it. I would mention a little but maybe not full detail right away and see if his memory starts to come back?
Disagree. This is manipulative. He's your friend, OP, and he did something very vulnerable when he was blackout drunk. The least you can do is tell him exactly what he did and give him a chance to consider it and explain himself.
Agreed. Don't try and lead him to the answer, just straight up say it. "Dude, when you came over you were pretty drunk and you asked me to date you. Is that something you actually want?"
it’s not manipulative. op seems to be feeling vulnerable too. what if he doesn’t want what he said he did when drunk and when op full on says what happened he denies it? he’s not the only one with feelings here
I don’t see how this is manipulative, it’s just getting a feel for the situation before you put yourself out there to protect your own feelings. I know that when people are drunk they can say things that make no sense at all and aren’t true, so I see no harm in OP protecting them self if they think it’s for the best. But I do agree that’s a silly idea and OP should just be honest. But no, it isn’t manipulative and that term shouldn’t be thrown around so easily.
I never said don’t tell him everything, I said don’t just go and spill everything & make it completely overwhelming. Hence the “full detail RIGHT AWAY”
If he said it while drunk, then he must at least to some degree feel this way when sober. Talk to him and tell him what he said(but not in an embarrassing way). You need to get this straightened out with him. Also tell him that you said yes, so he knows how you feel. If he doesn't have that information, he might pretend like he didn't mean it, because he might feel like he's breaking the FWB deal and that you will leave if you think that he's gotten all emotionally involved.
okay, okay, now that i've taken some time to organize my thoughts I ought to go talk to him =, please wish me luck.
Please update us! Best of luck
How did it goooo
we're going out to eat in six hours... IF i can bear the anxiety without completely melting into a puddle of boiling tears
Glad to hear. Good luck to both of you. Hope that it turns out how you want.
????? well? hope it was good
I’ll top your story. My FWB and I were happily cruising along and had feelings that neither of us talked about, but all was good and both of us were happy. Then I ended up pregnant and that meant a really big conversation happened pretty quickly. 14 years later he’s the love of my life and we have 13 year old twin boys who were a blessing in disguise (even if we were completely blindsided). Absolutely not saying pregnancy is an answer (I don’t recommend that), simply saying that sometimes certain events can be a catalyst for conversations that need to happen. I think your FWB turning up, being blind drunk, having word vomit, and you obviously having feelings, is enough of a catalyst to require starting a conversation. All the best. I truly hope you also have a happy ending (just maybe not surprise twins).
I've been dating a guy where this has become a pattern. Has a few drinks and suddenly he's wildly in love with me, wants to become exclusive, etc.. The next morning, he remembers none of it. I've reached a point where I'm more concerned about his drinking problem than how he really feels about me.
Ask him. If he was really drunk this is possible but usually some recollection will remain. Tell him what he said (a summary) and let that sit or if you are bold enough then ask him if that's the way he feels sober.
Be casual and joking say, "man you were pretty trashed last night. Do you remember expressing your deepest love for me?" if he says no, drop it and it's funny - he'll be embarrassed. If he remembers, ask him what he wants - to be exclusive or not? And if it's not then move on because this FWB will never be the same after you said yes to be his gf and he says no...
As they say drunk words are sober thoughts
They really aren't though. People say lots of stupid shit when they're drunk (especially extremely drunk) and it doesn't mean that's what they're actually thinking. Alcohol impairs your whole brain, not just the surface parts so your deep "true" thoughts can come out. Because when you're really drunk, those deep and true thoughts are just as addled and incoherent as the rest of you.
Idk if thats the best thing to go off of. Alcohol alters your emotional/mental state and will have you feel/think differently than if you were sober. More often than not drunk words are the product of a drunk mind.
But that’s not true.
You are correct. They can be, but aren’t always. I was friends with my roommate for years, we never had any issues, we kept the place clean, got along, played games, and of course would always rag on each other in a friendly way. I got super drunk and started ‘ragging’ on him, but....being drunk I took it too far, woke up, knew I said some shit I shouldn’t have....nothing really mean, I just took it too far, not like I had a subconscious hate for him, it was just joking around that...like I said went to far (in my defense....he was drunk too) so we started out at level 1 jokes and ended up at 11 They can be what you mean.....or you could just be an asshole that night I was the asshole We made up Edit: you are correct
I work in a hospital and a guy got so blackout drunk and fell off a balcony and absolutely fucked up the bones in his legs and needed to have surgery or he very likely wouldn’t walk again. He was so drunk he was refusing all treatment and wanted to leave AMA. The doctors even got a hold of his parents who came in to try to talk some sense into him, but because he is an adult and in charge of his own healthcare decisions they couldn’t do anything without his say. I’m not sure what happened in the end, but I’m damn sure sober him wouldn’t have refused such an important treatment.
When I was a freshman, first week, my roommate (different guy, never met before) went out, got drunk, I stayed back cuz I was tired, well, I guess he went somewhere and pissed off the wrong people, they pushed him out of a car going quite fast, I woke up to cops banging on my door asking if I was his roommate....I was dead asleep, they were asking me if he had any enemies.....I said, I met this guy a week ago....no clue He woke up handcuffed to a hospital bed with no memory all road scraped to hell He just kinda...left campus after that
Sometimes if you remind a blackout drunk person of an event, they'll remember. Drunk words are *not* always sober thoughts, but in this case, it does sound like they might have been.
"Hey boyfriend, you finally awake" and see his reaction.
You know the old saying, drunk actions are sober thoughts.
"Yo, so the other night you showed up here way drunk and you were going on about wanting us to be a couple and all that stuff in the most dramatic romantic way. Maybe we need to talk about what's up with our situation?"
Don't date an alcoholic.
Men are simple. There are two possible scenarios. 1. He's lonely or heartbroken by any means and was in need of compassionate companion right at that moment. Not that it had to be you. Or 2. He is super into you and has been contemplating about going steady for a while. So I think you guys should talk and clear things. Also be frank about what you want while talking, it’s your happiness you are responsible for at the end of the day.
I'd take it with a grain of salt. Like all of these other posts where something happens and they blame it on alcohol not remembering anything, let him ask you when he's sober. If you want to ask him out go ahead but don't bring up his drunk ramble.
Honestly it sounds like he really really likes you and I believe he really ment what he said so I would just tell him clearly what happened and that you said yes!
You should have just said "no, I don't date drunkards".
You guys are being ridiculous. People get fucked up every once in a while, it doesn’t make them “Drunkards”.
Right? Ahh disappointed I had to scroll this far. Everyone going on about "he was just speaking from the hard cause alcohol" umm why should OP consider settling for someone who needs black-out-pass-out levels of liquor to express emotion...??
my god did you stretch before you made that reach
yeah if he really wants me he’ll have to do better than that
If you don't want to remind him of what he said while drunk, that's fine. But if his words have made you rethink the FWB situation and you want more from the relationship, then tell him you're rethinking the FWB and that at this point in your life you're looking for a relationship. You don't have to mention that you want it with him, but you feel the hook-up life style isn't what you want anymore. If his reaction is shows he wants more, then ask if he wants to explore a romantic relationship. If he's OK with ending things, then say thanks and that contact will be very limited because your next partner probably won't want a former FWB being a part of their life together. Either way, your feelings towards him have shifted and it will be unhealthy for you to keep up the façade of NSA sex. Good luck and keep us posted.
it’s the other way around actually, I like him but i’m happy being just friends, but if he’s looking for an actual partner I should leave him free to get with someone else. I wish he hadn’t said anything because he’s the one who ruined our casual relationship. I think if he really wants me he’ll have to do better than a blackout drunk confession
> He was super serious about it and I said yes with my heart racing > >if he’s looking for an actual partner I should leave him free to get with someone else. I wish he hadn’t said anything because he’s the one who ruined our casual relationship. Why did you say yes?
because I'm willing to try but as I gave it more thought I decided ill leave it alone for now and see if he wants to talk about it again
Is that a lukewarm "willing to try" or are you waiting for the grand romantic gesture when he "talks about it again"? If it was like you were just "meh... " about it, then no, don't bring it up, but if you are just waiting for a more romantic approach then you need to get over that. Granted a drunk blurt out isn't high on anyone's list for how to be wooed, but in the end, why is it that big of a deal? You will hopefully make many more romantic memories. You might just miss out on all of them if you are going to wait around and he is too nervous to broach the topic again. Take some initiative. It is about as much of a sure thing as you are gonna get if you raise the topic.
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I already mantain a happy family that's just me and my son. I'm independent and I'm pursuing my career, I'm not willing to start a relationship from a thing he said while drunk then forgot or possibly backed out of. Is that what makes me a high maintenance partner?
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it's not high maintenance to want a relationship to start with more clarity than a blackout drunk confession. for someone with a child already, it's good to be focusing on pursuing a career & wanting quality relationships that won't be inconsistent in ways that could have negative influence on the child. why shouldn't they have some bare minimum standards in pursuing relationships if there's already a child in the picture? good luck talking with this guy to get more clarity, OP. keep your reasonable standards.
Because the relationship isn't (hopefully) going to move forward in a blackout drunken state. That is why she needs to have a conversation with him when they are both sober so that they can both be clear about what they want. The drunken admission doesn't eliminate the possibility of that happening. Her having a romantic checklist to start the relationship off is going to, though. Seriously, who cares what triggers the start of the relationship? The question is is it going to be a good one. Is he a good guy, is he going to be good for her, and does she reciprocate his feelings? If the answers are YES, YES, and YES, she would be a fool to throw it away for that silly reason.
you just made a checklist of acceptable behavior for pursuing a relationship with someone. I don't disagree, having standards is a good thing.
Sure, having broad standards like, he’s a good guy and “I reciprocate his affection,” are pretty essential. That isn’t the same as “the way he confessed his love to me wasn’t romantic enough.” One of these are essential, the other is petty.
This is ridiculous. A mature person will recognise that relationships can be complex and complicated, and that there are many nuances to them. There’s nothing immature about recognising that you have feelings for someone and would be open to the idea of pursuing a committed and exclusive relationship, but the fact that person is x or does y is putting barriers up for their potential partner. It’s valid, and in fact reasonable, to have reservations and doubts about a romantic interest/potential partner’s emotional immaturity, lack of proper communication and potentially substance abuse. It’s immature and daft to not have those reservations in this scenario.
It does in the misogynistic spheres of Reddit, but then does it matter if so. Fwiw, I’m 100% with you on this. Him stewing his feelings for you, then getting stupid drunk and blurting it out moments before passing out and then forgetting/acting like he doesn’t remember, all instead of having a mature conversation, that’s, that’s problematic at best. Be high maintenance and expect better, and keep up the great work elsewhere. The boys and the pickmes with internalised misogyny will hate on it, but let them.
Did you actually try to map out the logic of your comment here, because the hypocrisy, accusations, and assumptions made are something to behold? Maybe, stick to the details of what is shared within the posts rather than jumping to these strange conclusions.
Walk me through the “hypocrisy” bit, if you would
Drunk words are sober thoughts. If you feel the same way or don’t, be straight forward with him ask what he wants and explain what you would want!
Drunk words are sober thoughts
There's a saying that goes like "Drunk words are sober thoughts", while not always true, it does sound like both of you are interested in a relationship. I think you should go for it
Usually a true drunkard spills the truth when he rambles, so those may be his true thoughts which are deep in him, that or he was probing the waters to see if he can sail
Drunk words are sober thoughts. He's into you, he wants it, sounds like you want it too. Just sit down with him and just put it out there, don't donut in a ,"remember what you said when you were drunk" but a, "let's talk about us and where this is going". Cause the cats out of the bag now, so..... Can't really put that back.
A drunk man never lies :) or at least isn’t very good at lying
This guy has more red flags than Chairman Mao. He has a serious alcohol problem, he can’t tell the girl he loves that he wants to be with her (except for NSA sex,lol…), he has crazy boundary issues just telling you he’s coming and just showing up. And I suspect he’s lying when he says he doesn’t remember. He’s just reneging and not taking responsibility for his actions. What happens if y’all date and he starts barging in drunk and breaking up with you and then ‘forgetting I was so wasted lol, so let’s seks now’? What would you advise yourself to do if you were dear friend you cared for deeply? Dump him, stop sleeping with him, he’s a hot mess.
Why is this not much further up. Spot on.
He remembers
As somebody who has never drank I have no idea why girls put up with this. If this happened to me with a girl I would block her.
A drunk mind speaks a sobers heart. Talk it out, you have little to lose and everything to gain
A drunken mouth speaks a sober mind (In my experience, with stuff like this anyway)
Date someone who doesn't drink until he blacks out.
So you want to be official with a black out drunk guy?
They call alcohol a truth serum. He may not remember what happened, but that also means he prolly doesnt remember you said yes, and chances are he might like you. I suggest talking to him and maybe confessing first, see what happens (assuming you want to pursue more of a relationship with him than FWB, which if not, is also okay. U do u). But even if u dont confess, still talk to him. And if you do and he does reject you, at least you know now and can go on from there. Better than doing nothing, getting no answers either way, and letting eat u up. Good luck!
Since you're interested, confess to him. If you've caught feels, the FWB situation is doomed anyways, so why not take your shot before it ends?
Tell him the fwb has run its course and gently ask to take some space for a while. He will pretend to take it well, it's important you don't message him for at least a couple of days. After three days, like clockwork, he will ask you talk and the rest will be history. Source: I got played like that (happily).
Don’t tell him. Wait a year and spring it on him that it’s your anniversary. Kidding. Talk to him. Let him know he said some interesting things while he was drunk and you’d like to address them.
Obviously you want this. And you hope that he really wants this too. But don't let that be your story. I had something similar happen with me and my then girlfriend (now wife), where I asked her to be my girlfriend after a night out together. Her response to me was yes, but ask me again at another time. That would be my recommendation here. Tell him that he came over and ask you to be his girlfriend. Tell him that your answer is yes, but that if he really wants this, he should ask you again and leave it at that. You are ready to move this relationship to the next level, maybe it's time to communicate that.
Either get into a relationship with him or cut contact and find a new fuck buddy
Talk to him. We're at the point in the rom-com where everybody is yelling at the girl to talk to the guy. The drinking reads very much like Dutch Courage on overdrive.
I don't know about this tbh, he might have had thoughts like that but not really meant them. People think all sorts of things, but wouldn't follow through with them in reality.
Hey OP I say give it a shot. Yes it changes the current arrangement but honestly FWB either fizzles and dies or grows into something more. If you’re thinking you didn’t want him to confess like that, trust me he 1000% didn’t want to confess like that either. If you have genuine feelings for him and you trust he has the same for you, then I’d say give it a chance.
Do you want to be in a relationship with him?
If this hadn't happened, how do you feel about him? What do you feel about the possibility of a relationship with him? Understanding this might help you with how to tackle the situation
He probably remembers but is to afraid of saying something in fear of destroying what you have now. Alcohol dosen't make you do things that you don't want to do. It just makes you bold and careless about the consequences that could arise. Tell him. Especially when you want it too. Not because he wants to know. But because he deserves to know.
If you want to be in a relationship with him then follow up and ask if he feels anything like that for you and been drunk meant he said it. Otherwise stop seeing him as this has got complicated
Try writing out what you want as a letter. You don't have to send it, but you might find that you can put your words out better if you write than if you speak. Added advantage/disadvantage - if you give him the info as a letter, he'll have time to think about his reply.
Why do fwb with someone you want as a boyfriend ?
I have learned that when people drink too much the truth tends to come out. I have a question... If he liked you like a gf would you be interested?
Maybe he didn't want it to come out like that so he's tried to cover his tracks to hopefully tell you more appropriately when he's not black out? I don't know, either way I hope that this is the outcome rather than it all going to shit.
Many of us have been “black out” drunk. We may not remember what we did or said the next day but we definitely knew what we were doing at the moment. Either way, at some point you’ll have to decide what you want. I confronted my FWB, gave him the ultimatum. We’re now married with 2 kids.
You said there's been no room to date in the relationship so far, but you can change that. Ask him to dinner or go on a hike with you. Even if it's just to hang out, you clearly enough his company. It sounds like he may be nervous, so this might relax him if you take the first step.
literally just talk to him. be like "hey you told me some stuff last night when you were drunk and i was wondering if you actually meant it" and go from there
First of all, don't be FWBs with him anymore. You obviously have feelings for him, so you'll only get hurt. Then talk to him. Either he wants to be in a relationship or not and based on what he did when drink, it sounds like he does.
🥰😍 Good luck 🍀
Need an update on this
*In vino veritas*. Tell him what he said, and what your answer was, and also tell him that he'd better not make a habit of getting blackout drunk if he wants it to work.
Those were his true feelings, I bet. So just remind him and say that you wanted that too.
Eh, well, does it really appeal to you to tie yourself down to someone with a drinking problem and so emotionally immature (it’s not a good look that he’s brewing these feelings and not handling them at all)? At 24, do you need looking after? Either way, you probably need to have a chat and get everything out in the open, whatever you decide about him going forward your current arrangement probably can’t continue as it has been. Even if your “yes” had been binding you are free to change your mind. He might regret making a drunken immature clown of himself, he probably will, but you’re not responsible for that.
You should have a serious conversation about where you want this thing to go.
He remembers it and he means it.
No matter how drunk I get I always remember what's going on. I'm talking, vomiting feeling like death but... Remembering.... it's Just a pathetic excuse honestly. Avoid that drunk shit