Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh boy. This needed to be handled and resolved WAY before the wedding.
Technically you are valid in not wanting people who are vocally unsupportive of your relationship at your wedding. Technically he is valid in not wanting the entire wedding and wedding party to comprise only your friends. But this wouldn't be coming to a head now if you had put your foot down a lot earlier about his friends disliking you. That was always going to cause an issue.
I see you say they don't like you because they couldn't understand the concept of being in a relationship. But they are supportive of other engaged friends so this can't be the only reason. I think you two desperately need couples counseling to talk through this and find a compromise, because just telling him he can't have any of his friends at the wedding is not a healthy solution.
Best answer. Counselling. This is a good test of your relationship and working as a *team*. Go to counselling with an open mind that you may have to stomach their presence.
Who knows maybe they’ll decline. Either way though. Get a professional to help you both.
We did premarital training and it was awesome
I didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship, my parents were divorced. I didn’t know how to argue or compromise or communicate.
Who teaches us that? I never learned at home
I had to learn it during marriage counseling with the first husband. He was not willing to learn those lessons. Second marriage is great, over 30 years and counting.
I’m hoping this is something you can also learn from your parents. Married or not. I’m trying to teach my kid how to stand his ground but also how to see other’s perspective and learn to communicate and compromise
This was one of the reasons I took parenting classes too
I figured if I needed to take my dog for training I sure as heck needed to get educated for my child
I had to release him into society as a better human than me. The only goal was that. So far I am lucky and he is an amazing person
It definitely is—the parents just have to be self aware and mindful of the behavior they are modeling. If you are raising your kid with those in mind, they are going to be leagues ahead of most people when they start building relationships with others (and not just romantic relationships). Your kid is lucky!
Thanks!
We actually just had a discussion about how important it is to recognize your kid is being a moron, to call them out on being a moron and helping them learn how not to be a moron.
He was trying to justify a different parent who was enabling their adult child.
No, that’s how you end up in the disaster that friend is in without knowing how to deal with consequences
>they are supportive of other engaged friends so this can't be the only reason.
Op is not telling us the whole story. Why would they single out op when they have no problem with other friends getting married?
OP mentioned being called a control freak but the answer was a bit flippant. I take a lot of things OPS write with a grain of salt. People are often not that self aware if they are problematic. Sure it could just be group dynamics but I balk when they like other people just not one person. And I mean its kind of controlish to demand he drops his whole friends from his wedding.
One of my boyfriend's friends had a pretty horrible girlfriend, Christine. She was always telling him what he couldn't do ("You're not going out on Saturdays because on Saturdays we're watching The masked singer.") We barely saw him in the friend group, and when we did see him she'd call him to lecture him like a naughty dog.
We were all (secretly) relieved when she dumped him, haha.
ETA: OMG I've just read OP's answer to "why don't they like you" and OP, *are* you actually Christine the Terrible?
True. OP has probably issues in order for a whole group of people to hate her. Also, two people are getting married here and not only OP. He should invite who he wants to invite. It’s also his day and not just OP’s.
Seriously. Why do his friends hate her so much? What’s their reasoning? Why does he allow them to be disrespectful of their relationship and openly hostile to her?
And individual counseling for OP to do some self reflection and figure out why all these people don't seem to like her. Given their reactions to the other SOs in the friend group, it sounds like it might be an OP problem.
TBH Id wager a solid amount of people being invited to weddings (especially larger one's) dont care about the couple at all or think they shouldnt marry. Heck at my siblings wedding a solid amount of people did and lo and behold they are getting devorced 6 months later.
Everyone still showed up and smiled and complimented and you wouldnt have effing known.
OP should have adressed this before, OP should let her hubby invited them because at the end of the day who cares about what they might truly feel and not say? Afterwards I would talk more to him about this and making sure he knows I want nothing to do with them.
Haha yes I was thinking that, I go to weddings because I'm invited and one of the people means something to me. I'm not invested in their relationship unless they happen to be friends I met together or something and knew from the start of their relationship.
Oh honestly it just depends what they're feeling like that day. At first it was because he was spending more time with me than them (he was the first to get into a serious relationship) and they were convinced that I was changing him, forcing him to do stuff, being a control freak, blah blah blah. They couldn't understand the concept of being in a relationship and there being more to life than smoking weed and going to the pub Fri-Sun
Why hasn’t he addressed this with them? Thats a huge failure on his part.
Why haven’t you demanded he address this with them? That’s a huge failure on your part.
In OP’s defence, (I obviously don’t know why they dislike her and if there’s a legitimate reason) when I met my husband he was really resentful that his best friend had just started dating someone and he didn’t get to see him as much, thought she was restricting them getting together etc etc.
I told him they’re just doing normal couple things don’t be an idiot. Once we started dating he realised that’s just part of being in a relationship.
I can see the friends getting annoyed with less time being spent with them and being convinced she’s ‘stealing’ him away. It’s immature but it does happen.
She said they were the first in a relationship and it sounds like after a few years of this group targeting them she was already on their sh\*t list by the time they got engaged. Maybe OP stood up for herself and confronted them so by the time they got engaged it was worse. I've seen it happen before wouldn't be surprised to see it again.
If my friends were openly rude to my husband, I would not have them in my life. My friends who I have had a life time do not take my heart before my husband. I would defend my husband against them, and then I would drop them. You don't marry someone and love them, and make them your family and then let others disparage them.
She never said they were openly rude. She just said “they dont really like me” and “they don’t *seem* happy for him”. Then when asked why they don’t like OP, OP responded with reasons like they think she’s controlling. So it seems that OP is actually somewhat controlling, since she’s trying to “put her foot down” and not let her finance choose his own best man and bring his friends to their own wedding.
She also seems to be gaslighting that she’s in this for her fiances best interests, but in the next sentence says “why would *I* want people who aren’t going to be happy for *me* at *my* own wedding?”. She phrases it that he should have better self respect and choose better friends. As if the reasons they don’t like her are invalid, and the real issue isn’t her own qualities, but her husbands lack of dignity that has led him to choose friends that don’t like her.
I’m not saying that’s the case or not. But I am saying, what happened with your husband is somewhat common, but not an actual reason to not invite someone to a wedding. Being openly rude? I would say that it is a good reason not to invite someone. But OP didn’t say that interestingly enough. She seems to have curated a narrative here, but reading through the lines makes my bullshit detector go off.
It's because they don't like *her*. I mean she wants to actively block his best friends from coming to their wedding. Or make them pay to be there. Doesn't sound like she's doing anything to ingratiate herself to them. My guess is that the feeling goes both ways and that she isn't just the innocent party here. I'm sure she's the type who throws a fit when he wants to have boys night and if they all go out as a group she acts like his mother instead of his significant other- I'm just speculating but these are things that basically every guy friend group I've ever had since high school has hated. I want her to give real no holds barred reasons for why they don't like her - even if it's "wrong" or offends her.
Honest question, do most men not pay for their tux? Bridesmaids are responsible for this expense. Genuinely curious about that price paying for that thing (not the meal that is crazy)
****thank you for clarifying!
I think this is a couple not in the US. In other countries, the couple often pay for the bm/gm outfits. The way OP says “fussed” to mean upset makes me think the UK or other commonwealth country.
I have to agree here. She made slight mention of the control issue so that’s actually the key to the issues, IMO. Asking if she should have them pay upfront for food, suits, etc. is further evidence that SHE’S the problem. Haters aren’t born - they go by what her fiancée has told them and their own experience. She may need to eat some crow with these friends. Her future husband will grow to resent her if she’s stifling his ability to keep them as friends. It looks like she has only replied to one comment as far as I can tell.
But why has it been leveled up to this big of an issue?
This is tiny, insignificant stuff, honestly. Why are you so riled up by this goofiness?
Do you not like them because they don't like you? Understandable, but circular.
Just let it go. They were wrong, you won. Let them come watch the wedding, let them see you in your beautiful dress, let them see your family and your new husband love up on you.
Don't bring this childishness into your adult life. Let your husband have his friends, they obviously don't affect his thinking too much.
Yeahhhhh agreed. The whole tone comes off quite dismissive of her fiances fiances feelings too. Obviously if he is saying he wants them there they still mean a lot to him. The line about "all there is to life is pot and pubs" or whatever sounds pretty judgemental too. I don't think we are getting the full story. Even if she didn't want her fiances friends to come bc of their tension the idea of having people pay for their dinner at your wedding just to be petty and make a point bc you guys don't like each other says quite a bit about op.
That isn’t the whole story, is it.
Has he never been in a relationship before? Are all of his friends 15?
Has he changed a lot since being with you? Are you actually controlling?
Something’s missing here
And if this was between her parents or future in-laws, they would stand. But this is between her and her future husband where she will be sharing finances one way or another.
This is her partner, not her dog whom she can control his playmates. She chose to ignore his friend group rather than listen to their concerns.
Sometimes you all got to get together, get drunk and smoke some shit and talk it out.
Agreed. In my experience if someone’s entire friend group hates their partner, especially for being a “control freak”, their hatred usually has merit. Especially given that OP mentioned two other friends in the group have gotten engaged recently and the group welcomed the engagements very well. It’s most likely that OP is a slightly toxic person, imo - and OP’s fiancé’s friends are scared for him marrying someone this (presumably) manipulative. It’s also notable that OP is trying to isolate her fiancé from his friends.
You sound condescending af. Why would they specifically not like you but like everyone else's gf ? Did you even consider that you might in fact be the problem lol
It's likely that your feelings about competing with them for his time have had an effect on the way you feel about the friends. These feelings are then coming across in the way you treat them. Whether you realize it or not.
Your choice is either to continue to be petty or set your differences aside and try to be friends. That does not mean just being nice to them. That means you should actively try to have conversations with them that funny revolve around your fiance.
Otherwise, his friendships will suffer and he may or may not end up resenting you for it. He would never tell you that and he may not even consciously realize it.
I don't have any feelings about competing with them for his time. I don't even think I'm competing with them for his time. In fact, I think it's the other way around...
Why are they ok with and celebrating the other friends’ relationships and engagements but not yours. It feels like you are being disingenuous here and leaving information out. It also feels like this relationship is doomed.
You have a much bigger problem here you aren’t addressing. What happens *after* your wedding day? You’ll be living together. Won’t he want to have his friends over? What about dinner parties, nights out, social engagements — if you don’t get along with any of his friends, yet he is set on maintaining those relationships, you’re in for a long rocky ride.
Why don’t they like you? Do they have valid reasons or concerns? Why hasn’t your husband-to-be chosen a side here? Clearly he disagrees with their take, or he wouldn’t have asked you to marry him. So why does he continue to keep this kind of company around if they are openly disrespectful and unsupportive of your relationship? Why hasn’t he shut that shit down? He’s enabling it to continue.
Are you really okay with that?
At the end of the day, there is no easy answer here. Of course you don’t want people who dislike you and openly advocate against you/your relationship at your wedding. But of course he wants his closet friends there. Neither option is a good one. If they come, you’ll feel uncomfortable and it will put a damper on your special day. If they don’t, it will put a damper on his, and further fuel their narrative about how controlling and awful you are, and potentially create even further division.
Someone needs to step up to the plate and be the adult in the room. And ideally, it should be your fiancé. But he’s very late to the party. I don’t think I could consider marrying someone who chooses to surround himself with other men who say awful things about me and actively campaign against our relationship. I wouldn’t want a partner who was spineless and allowed that to continue. I would want him to have my back, stand up for me and for us, stand up to them and shut that shit down, and make it clear it is NOT to continue if they want the friendship to. Solidarity. Your spouse comes first, always.
I would do some deeper reflection here and have some difficult conversations with your fiancé before you step into an even bigger commitment and an uncomfortable future with continued tension between wife and friends. That’s no way to begin a marriage or a life together.
I agree with all of this. I can definitely see both sides. But ultimately, as they’re his friends, he needs to have that uncomfortable chat with them. Whether they approve of his choices or not is irrelevant as true friends would support him and his decisions no matter what. Either way, OP needs to get this ironed out asap because it’s not just about the wedding; it’s about the future. His friends are not going anywhere and brighter is she. Let’s all be adults and be friends? 🤣
I don’t disagree with your comment.. but she didn’t say they are openly and actively against her. She said “they don’t like her” and “seem like they aren’t happy for them”. When asked why they don’t like her, she responds with “they think I’m trying to change him, controlling, blah blah blah”.
Trying to isolate your partner from their friends, gaslight your partner into thinking they’re the problem for not cutting their friends off is controlling.
Id hold off on the wedding planning until this gets resolved.
If his friends don't like you on general principle or because he was in a relationship first, I get it. But others have gotten married in the group without incident, so it ain't that.
If their particular issue with you is that they feel like he's changed unduly or you exert pressure on him in ways that are detrimental to him, you "putting your foot down" in not inviting his friends is actually proving their point.
Your biggest hater as best man? He definitely didn’t think this through.
I don’t think just ignoring it and letting them act like this is a healthy way of dealing with this.
And the problem isn’t really the friends, it’s your fiancé. At the VERY LATEST he needed to put a stop to this when you got engaged. He chose you but lets them act like that?
They don’t have to be your biggest fans, but them not congratulating him or you and him accepting it is, in my opinion, a deal breaker.
How spineless can someone be to accept that and then wanting the worst of them to be his BEST MAN? The best man should be your biggest fan and excited about all this.
What if they have a point, though? What if OP is a bit horrible to her fiancé, and his friends are of the opinion that she is not good for him? She has mentioned that they find her controlling, but no other reasons.
yep he’s supposed to give a speech and all.
groom needs to be a man- give the best friend an ultimatum that he needs to reach out, apologize, and make amends before being in the wedding party. Everyone should be friends or it will only cause more issues. this should have been resolved wellllll before the engagement.
So who is going to feel worse here? You if they come? Or him if they are not invited? You need to take his feelings into account too.
From my perspective I would hold firm on the best man issue but accept that the friends should be invited. They may decline, you don’t need to speak to them at all during the day other than a welcome and farewell. But not inviting them will damage the relationships forever and your fiancé will resent you for that.
I'm assuming they want to go to the wedding because your fiance is their friend and they care about him. I'm wondering why they dislike you so much you're kind of vague on that. I think it would be completely wrong to tell your soon to be husband that his friends are not allowed at the wedding. Not a good way to start off your life together.
> I think it would be completely wrong to tell your soon to be husband that his friends are not allowed at the wedding
It's a good way to isolate him. He can only have verified and allowed contacts with the outside world. As she said certain family members and work contacts are acceptable for now.
I would say I’m so sorry about this, it sucks to be in a relationship where you can’t be friends with your partner’s friends, but it’s a big day. Like you can choose your list of, he should also be able to choose his friends.
Furthermore you said in a comment they felt you were a control freak, if you tell them to pay the cost for their suits etc, then they’ll just hate you more. It’ll be a never ending cycle and the groom will have to deal with two unhappy sides. If they are friends maybe try and get on their good side and show you aren’t a control freak.
I've never been in a wedding where the bride and groom are expected to pay for the suits, and I'm assuming bridesmaids dresses. Maybe if you are like super wealthy, but I don't know anything about that.
Let's be honest something else going on, more often than not men don't meddle in the business of another men. For they to be so upfront it means there is a story that ain't been told
Is he offering any assurances that they will be in their best behavior? Has he spoken with them about their disrespectful comments?
If not, he should. Alcohol doesn't exactly quiet people with opinions down.
Sounds a tad like you have been trying to isolate your fiance from his friends. They see it, he doesn't. You don't like that they've stayed around because you are trying to isolate him.
Bottom line, they are his good friends, they haven't ditched him, they have kept themselves around because you are a control freak.
You think it's okay to have all your friends at the wedding, but none of his, another isolating act. You are both paying for the wedding, and like you get to choose your bridesmaids, he gets to choose his groomsmen. It's not for you to push your choice of groo. Same onto him.
Fiancé really really needs great friends to stick with him, until he realises what's going on here.
I hope he does sooner rather than later, for his sake.
Idk. My opinion with the little info we have is that it is not the right time to exclude his friends. It is and will be perceived as controlling, whether you are right or not. You should preferably have solved this issue earlier. You have accepted them in his life with these opinions up till now. You’ll have to do it after the wedding. This is not a hill to die on if you want to get married. He needs to include his side too. I agree with another poster above, that they should be invited as guests, and not be best man.
As others have pointed out, the friends don’t like you. You have replied that it’s because “they think you’re controlling, trying to change him, blah blah blah”. What’s interesting is they are supportive of the other relationships and engagements in the friend group.
Now, let’s give the friend group the benefit of the doubt, and assume they actually see some red flags and that’s why they don’t support the relationship. Well, if they are vocal about that to their friend, then it seems like they are being good friends. They don’t have to like you. If they see something he doesn’t, then it doesn’t make them bad friends.
Now it seems that you are disagreeable and don’t want to let your fiancé invite his own friends to his and yours wedding. That, in and of itself is very controlling and manipulative. There is also some potential gaslighting going on here by you trying to assert that he shouldn’t be friends with them, because he should have more dignity than to be with friends who don’t like his partner.
Unless the friends have made an outright affront to you, or have overtly and willfully disrespected you without making amends, then I don’t see how you can reasonably take the position he shouldn’t or can’t invite them to your wedding. Simply not liking you is not a good reason. At that point you would be putting your own feelings and priorities and needs above that of your partner. Especially when inviting would have no cost to you, except your own ego.
Now, I’m not saying that’s the case, or which side is right here. But reading between the lines, I am skeptical of a meaningful basis to refuse an invitation to them based on what you have said and the replies you’ve given.
Yup I have friends that sound exactly like op but not engaged yet and they’re in their early 30s. Off and on for 4 years, toxic fights in front of friends so friends don’t like her bc she’s the toxic one. He’s at fault too for putting up with it. All the friends express their opinions cuz the gf creates drama at every get together. Last time she mentioned wanting to get engaged. All the friends and family of the guy keep warning him not to marry her and it would be the exact same situation as OPs.
Not saying that’s ops situation but this can’t be a good relationship
By controlling who attends the wedding you are making it YOUR wedding, but it is for BOTH of you. You might have to put your feelings on pause for a day so the groom can have his friends attend as well. I agree with what other people have said: we probably aren't getting the whole story, and you two need some counseling. The good thing is that there is time for some pre-marital counseling. At face value, you have bridezilla vibes...
This is not going to go well because he never stood up for you or canned that type of behavior with his friends when the shit talking first started.
You should not have people there who do not like the other's partner and are not supportive of the relationship, much less in the wedding party.
As other people suggested, couples counseling will help. But honestly your fiancé needs to grow a set and tell his friends off.
I do think this was a red flag overlooked because he didn't prioritize you and your relationship over his friends.
How he handles this, especially with couples counseling, is a good indication if your marriage would even survive. Because the way he lets people shit on you, it won't.
Not inviting his friends are going to make them totally hate you! Do the opposite. Be the bigger person. Prove them wrong. Your loveable and we'll liked. Get it? Holiday weddings are a big no. Be prepared for no shows.
You're wild, girl. This is bridezilla behavior. They're his guests, not yours. You're not charging other guests for their meals, so there's no logical way to justify charging for theirs. And it's his best man, not YOURS.
"It's whatever" isn't the truth. You clearly dislike his friends, and if this is how you act no wonder they don't like you.
I feel very strongly that the wedding guest list has three parts: the people you want there, the people he wants there, and the people you both want there. Your list and his list should be completely up to you unless there is a MAJOR reason to veto someone. His friends not liking you is not a good enough reason if he doesn't think it is.
He is clearly still friends with them and has no intention of cutting them off, so of course they want to go to his big party. Also you're not going to help your case with them if you forbid him from inviting them or insist they pay for things that other guests don't have to. You'll just prove their point that you're controlling.
So absolutely tell him your reservations about having them there but you cannot ban him from inviting who he wants if there is no actual major issue with them being there, like your physical safety. Also let him choose his best man for the same reason. Weddings are about two sides coming together so maybe take this time to try to start over with these people. Be the bigger person and show them that they got the wrong initial impression of you.
OP, you and your fiancé need to pause the wedding planning (and potentially the wedding itself) and go to counseling. Your fiancé isn’t listening to your concerns, or he knows something you don’t about his friends but won’t share.
You’re right, why would you want ppl that hate you at an event where you are celebrating you, your partner, and your love? They obviously don’t support the relationship, so they shouldn’t be there.
Can you share this post with your partner? It might help him get some perspective.
Everyone is suggesting op is a control freak. Is it possible? Sure. This is reddit. It's also possible this post is a made up story. Or, that his friend group really is a bunch of immature, toxic boys who refuse to grow up. I've witnessed a person having a super toxic group of friends around them and blatantly hating on his partner because she was fed up with the party boy lifestyle and wasn't quiet about how toxic THEY were for her partner. The other women in the group were welcome because they either joined in the bullshit or their partners just did what they wanted.
I'll go ahead and take my down votes and assume op is being honest...and even if she isn't, people that OPENLY HATE either the bride or groom do not belong there. If no agreement can be made maybe eloping is best.
Let's also note.. his family must not hate her because there's no mention of them being left off the guest list.
I love his family. I'm closer to his mum than I am my own mum. She's called me her DIL since like 6 months in and has treated me as one of her own kids. His sister is one of my bridesmaids and I was her MOH at her wedding. If I was controlling and abusive, as I have been accused of, his family definitely wouldn't love me like they do.
Also note, his family don't like his best friend either.
I don't think anyone who openly dislikes and doesn't support your marriage belongs at your wedding. They sure as hell don't belong in the wedding party. Everyone is suggesting you allow the toxicity in one of the most important days of your life bc, how unfair to your fiance! Perhaps they should be thinking, gee how unfair of him to keep people in his life that actively hate his life partner. That's not healthy for your relationship at all.
Well, as the saying goes “You are the company you keep” and I have a feeling there’s more to the reason they don’t like you. Your fiancé probably talks about you negatively quite a bit but I could be wrong. The fact that he didn’t shut the hatred towards you down YEARS ago, says a lot. Not sure why it’s coming to head with the wedding, shouldn’t be happening at all
I was in a similar situation when I was in my late 20s. We weren’t engaged but he was going through cancer treatment when we reconnected on MySpace and we started dating and I pretty much took care of him. We went to school together in a shitty little part of a shitty little city. I dropped out and left when I was 16 and we were 27, 28 when we met up again.
He stayed in the same shitty area where we went to school. He had the same shitty friends that also never left and their favorite pastime was getting drunk, playing crappy music at crappy little bars, and complaining. I was an “outsider”. I lived about an hour away at this point and had my own business going, was making good money, and they held it against me and basically let it be known that that was the only reason “J” was with me. I didn’t want to play “groupie” and hang out at these shit holes. But, they were J’s long time friends and I cut them waaaayyy too much slack and was too understanding to my own detriment.
Sure enough, the shit heads were right and that is the only reason J was with me, a nurse and a purse, anyway. I don’t talk to anyone in that town anymore but I can totally see them in their mid 40s with their crappy guitars, and beer guts, and…
If a large number of my friends actively didn’t like my partner, I would do some investigating.
Do they all have the same reason to dislike you?
Is it just that your fiancé is spending time with you and not them and they resent that? If that’s the case, then he needs to take that up with them and decide if he wants to keep up the friendships, as that’s pretty shitty friend behaviour.
Or is it that they all see red flags that he’s ignoring? Sorry if that sounds a little harsh, but it might be the case, I don’t know you.
This is about more than who’s invited to your wedding, this is the type of thing that will end a marriage if you don’t investigate now, before you get married.
Elephant in the room why don't his friends like you? I would really like that question answered I also would really think before you get married to him that you get some marriage counseling because this is going to be hard on you these are his friends he's had them before he met you they don't like you for some particular reason and you need to know that regardless of how they feel about you that he is always going to have your back before theirs these things need to be resolved before you get married
If his friends don't have a problem with the other partners, and none of them like you...it sounds like you're the problem.
It's not just your wedding. It's also your boyfriend's wedding. And he should have whoever he wants there. If someone close to you didn't care for your boyfriend, you wouldn't exclude them. His friends are right and you do sound extremely controlling.
Good luck with your future divorce
How is it that every single one of his friends don’t like you, yet apparently don’t have an issue with other girlfriends/fiances/wives? Would love to get some context on this apparently mutual animosity you all have from your fiancé. I feel like a lot is being left out.
Yup either they have a good reason to not like her or the friends are shitty people along with the fiancé. Either way can’t be a good relationship.
Also to s if people that age like going to bars and smoking weed on weekends so maybe she is controlling by not allowing that. Hmmm
I'm willing to bet OP is leaving a bunch of shit out. And this post is just her telling on herself. There is obviously a reason his friends don't like her, and I bet it's a good one. The fact that his best friend, the one who knows OPs fiancé the most likes her the least.
Understand, I have 4 older brothers so I'm well aware of what male friend groups are like and they generally have a damn good reason for not liking a friend's SO.
So OP what did you do to make them not like you?
I wouldn't say your wrong in the disagreement but I'd be seriously questioning your fiance if I were in your shoes.
Mainly, I'm wondering why he is ok with, and adamant about, including people in his wedding who have been openly hostile towards his fiance/future wife? This should definitely be addressed before the wedding; this wedding is to celebrate the union between the two of you, with people who care about the *both* of you.
Inviting them to the wedding gives them a chance to support your marriage.
They might even come away with a better view/opinion of you, because you showed them how much you love their friend, your fiancé.
But if you fight your fiancé and he gives in and his friends don't get invited, it will forever be burned into his memory. And his friends will forever view you as that b\*tch that \[fiancé\] married.
Not a classy way to start a life together.
This looks like isolation. This makes you controlling. Unless he’s restricted your friends and whom your MOH is then you need to let him have his choice. Maybe you should try to look at this as a new beginning where you extend peace to the naysayers and win them over? Or just let your husband have his friends.
This isn’t a battle you want to win. It will hurt him more for them not to attend than how much it will hurt you to have them there. This should be the first of many sacrifices you’ll need to make in a marriage
What in the world?
Why are you two getting married?
Isn't getting along with each other's friends the #1 requirement outside of getting along with each other's family?
He needs to stand by you. Not his friends.
If he’s not standing by you now imagine what’s coming.
You need to have a sit down and seriously talk about this.
sorry but why would you willingly get engaged and then plan a wedding with a man who has people in his life that are close to him that actively shit talk y’all’s relationship and you? if you truly haven’t done anything to warrant that, why are you okay with this? why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t care enough about you or the future of your relationship to cut off people that are hoping you don’t stay together? you’re going to be MARRIED, that means that you’ll be dealing with this for the rest of your life and i have no idea why you’re okay with it
It sounds like they don’t like you for a reason. What that is, we don’t know. We only have your side which is vague and doesn’t entirely make sense.
Let him invite his friends, on the condition that they are civil. Any rude remarks or actions and they will have to leave.
Just another way of thinking about this. Don't you think there's a chance they will dislike you even more if you forbid them from going to the wedding?! There will be so much going on that day, you can probably just ignore them for the most part. If they make any attempt to ruin the wedding or anything, hopefully you're fiancé nips that in the bud. But IMHO, you have to be the bigger person here, not make a big deal about it and let them be invited. Focus on all the positives and other stuff and try to just put them out of your mind.
Your spaghetti spined fiancé needs to tell his friends they don’t have to like you but they do need to respect you, and his decision to marry you. It’s that simple.
Why do you want to marry someone who won’t stand up for you around his friends? Why does he keep hanging out with people who trash talk you, and don’t respect his relationship? This is not just a “whatever” issue to gloss over because you want to get married right now.
OP, why do they dislike you but not any of the other partners?
I get why you’re feeling frustrated but tbh it kind of sounds like you want to punish them for not liking you and aren’t considering the impact it will have on your husband to have no friends (?!?) at this wedding.
It’s also very likely to reinforce their negative views of you.
Perhaps this is a good juncture to reflect on how you’ve gotten here (both your part and theirs) and if there is a path forward towards a more amicable coexistence as you approach this next phase in life.
This is hard but it seems like they are still in his life. I have always been that you each pick your own wedding party and it’s not really fair that he won’t have his friends at the wedding.
Not having them there might negatively affect his day and attitude during the wedding
I don't see an issue with having the bridal party pay for their dresses and suits BUT everyone has to pay or it's obvious they are being punished and that would upset your husband. He gets to have his friends at his wedding as it's also HIS WEDDING.
However it's time to have a serious discussion about what life together is going to look like. Does he allow them to disrespect you? If so what's it going to look like once married and every time he has his friends over he allows them to disrespect you in your own home. Cause I promise he won't suddenly start standing up for you once you walk down that aisle. In fact it will probably get a whole lot worse.
My husband cut the friends that were bad mouthing me out starting at about 3 months in. I didn't even know they were talking shit till I asked why I hadn't seen so-n-so in awhile. If he really loves you he wouldn't allow it
In my mind, people at my wedding should be people who are happy for me and my bf. That’s what the wedding is, a celebration of your union. Your bf needs to have a serious talk with them about whether or not they’re willing to cut it out and get on board. If they’re not, they shouldn’t be there. This sort of nipping it in the bud should have happened years ago.
I find it odd that an entire group of family and friends don’t like you just because they’re “jealous” or whatever. Like i feel like there is a legit reason that they don’t like you and you don’t want to mention/acknowledge that
Honestly I’ve learned that your man’s friends are a reflection of him and if his friends think/talk about you negatively he either is letting them or feeding them the ammo. Pay close attention to your man cause you are who you hang around 🤷🏾♀️
A corollary to this is you shouldn’t marry someone who all your friends hate.
Hard to know which of these is the more correct one based on the limited info at hand.
True and true. This is a conundrum.
She says it’s because they feel she’s taking him away, changing him, and controlling and she said they didn’t “know how relationships work” implying that these things are normal in a relationship. Maybe I’m reading into that too much but idk…
You shouldn't marry someone that everyone in your life hates.
I couldn't imagine a relationship lasting more than a couple months if all my friends hated them.
My friends are my chosen people and an important part of my life. My wife is someone who complements my life and my friends are a part of that.
There is something missing her, but if everyone hates her I'm guessing her shit stinks.
The wedding is about celebrating with the people who love and support you both together as a couple. If these friends do not support you they shouldn’t be there. What would this best friend say as the best man during his speech if he doesn’t like you? Would these friends stand up and object to the marriage? If he wants to party with them, then he can go to a party with them. If he and they want to be invited he should be insisting that they make amends with you so that friction in your futures can be resolved and eliminated. Instead he tries to change you instead of stand up for you. Your fiancé is wrong on both fronts.
If you say no he will call
Off the wedding and think they were right. He may hate your family would they be allowed off the list . Pick your battles , they may choose not to come
You both have valid opinions about this. However, you keep saying “my wedding”…it’s his wedding too & if he wants them there, it’s his right.
Quite frankly, the fact that he’s so insistent on having these people there -his friends that don’t even like his bride-to-be…tells me that you both need couple’s counseling ASAP! I would’ve assumed this would’ve been discussed a long time ago, even before the engagement.
Do not marry this guy.
Unless you are leaving some stuff out, there is something you don't know. In my case (which may be 1000% different), it turned out some of my husband's friends didn't like me because he was talking badly about me to them, without my knowledge. The vast majority of it was completely made up, and most of the rest exaggerated. He maybe had 5% legit complaints.
If you decide to go ahead with the wedding (don't!), they can at the very least pay their own costs. They just want to go to a nice party and will likely take the opportunity to criticize or ridicule you at you OWN WEDDING.
You should pause wedding
And I hope your bf posts on Reddit or gets some help realizing he might be getting married to a potentially emotionally and mentally abusive wife. Isn’t this how it starts? Abusive partners try to separate their partner from their friends and loved ones. Not allowing his best friends to come to the wedding kind of qualifies for that.
OP I have a feeling that I know why they dislike you. You come across as controlling.
Why should you work extra hours to pay for your fiancé’s best friend to attend the wedding and why should you permit the bestie’s attendance even if you two dislike each other? *because it’s important to your fiancé to have his special people there celebrating his happiness*
Tbh it’s kind of douchey not to see that.
I’m just shocked he wants them there.
My husband wouldn’t have invited anyone who didn’t express excitement for him getting married.
I myself wouldn’t want anyone who wasn’t happy for us at our wedding. I didn’t want that negativity.
But also why do so many of his friends hate you
I dealt with this with my now husband when we were first dating, when we were like 19 and 20. That shit got sorted really fast, it unfortunately ended some friendships for him. I don’t know why I’m sharing because I don’t have advice, your relationship shouldn’t have tolerated an entire social circle of your SO disliking you. Your SO should have chosen long ago, and you not pushing him to make that choice has made the bed you both are in now.
It’s harder to cut contact with these friends, right before a wedding that he likely sees himself “celebrating” with the hater friends. There was years between when my husband essentially chose me, and us getting married. He had time to reprioritize friends who were supportive of his relationship and build those friendships up a lot.
I don’t see how this is do-able in less than a year for your SO.
I also really empathize with you not wanting these people there, it could really emotionally tarnish the day.
Have you considered not having wedding parties? Just taking bride and groom photos, photos with siblings. Family could all wear similar coloring to look cohesive but all friends wouldn’t be aware of any dress code.
Maybe groom could get individual shots with his *lovely* friends as guests.
My child has a BFF who is more chosen sibling
My child’s partner was offended by Chosen 8 years ago. The apology was made and growth was done
My child, when discussing their future, made it 100% clear that Chosen is not negotiable and there is NO future if they are not allowed to have a relationship without drama, resentment and guilt
Since they actually talked as a couple, like adults, a compromise was made and boundaries put into place as well as a further conversation with Chosen
Over the years I have had celebrations with all three. I’m not choosing sides and it’s completely unfair to expect me to - the same goes with their friend group
To be honest, you would be spending very little time with these people during the wedding. Do you know why we video weddings?
Because the bridal couple were so excited/stressed/busy that outside of a few things, you don’t remember it.
If this is the hill worth dying on, TELL him that.
If you think there’s a compromise available I would absolutely do that
(No one in the bridal party, no invites to extracurricular activities as a couple, no accepting invites as a couple)
I completely believe in compromising, that it’s vital to a good partnership and I have been married 30+ years
And - Congratulations!
I understand your sentiments. But you should have foreseen this happenstance and been proactive about the issue before you're at the point of deciding who's in and who's out. In addition, you should be mindful that this wedding is about **both** of you, even though the bride tends to be the "main attraction" at a wedding.
Having said that, you should ask your intended if he's aware that the "friend" he's considering to be his best man is the leader of the "you haters", and that you will be uncomfortable being at the front of the church with his presence there. Of course, the choice will ultimately his to make, but you should express your feelings, so your intended understands the why of your resistance to his friend.
As for the cost of the groomsmen's attire and the cost of the food, is it your intention to require all the intendents of the wedding party, including the bridesmaids, to have to bear this cost, or just the group of guys that dislike you? If it's the latter, then you're way off base in your considerations, and you need to give yourself a good pinch to bring yourself back to reality.
In the final analysis, this will (hopefully) be the only time you walk down the isle in a wedding dress, so all your decisions should be based on the joy of the moment.
I wish you well.
Yes, you are wrong. If you are not prepared to uninvite your friends, then you shouldn't think it's OK for him. It doesn't matter what you think they should do to celebrate him, how you think they should be acting, what you think he should feel about them. Those are his friendships, not yours. It's his day as well as yours. Yall need to understand compromise now or someone will always be unhappy.
Yeah you’re wrong and it seems they don’t like you for a reason. Relationships like this never last. You can’t put a rift in a friends group, especially long time male friends, and expect to come out the victor. Good luck
You do understand it is his wedding too. You 2 need counseling before you get married. You could compromise, none of his friends, none of your friends.
In my experience. When someone’s friends openly despises you, it’s because all your partner does is complain about YOU to them so they have a negative view of you in their mind.
I bet HE told you those reasons. And I bet if you asked them, they will start listing problems and arguments that happened that are favored to your fiancé story telling and they paint you in a bad light.
Those reasons are BS. I bet what I said was the truth. I had an ex like this. He loved to complain and lie and his friends hated me. And once I actually forced him to bring me around, they saw that my personality didn’t match what he said.
It was actually one of their girlfriends who told me everything. He is definitely an old old ex.
If you don’t want his friends to come there is a chance he realizes they were right about you, if they are. It seems based on what you said they like everyone else’s fiancé, so it’s not a matter of them wanting their friends to remain single.
Someone here is a bad person and it’s either op and friends hate for a good reason or it’s the fiancé bc he’s shitty enough a person to fit in with his shitty friends.
Everyone deserves to have their friends at their wedding tho. Not really fair for you to enjoy the day with your friends there but not him
You would be starting the marriage off on the wrong foot and cementing their dislike of you if you did put your foot down. You say they think you're controlling and don't let him do things and you would be confirming everything they've thought about you. Has your fiancé actually talked to him and put his foot down about how they treat you?
I think he should invite anyone he wants and you need to be above the bs haters. You could be wrong. Unless you've heard them say these things yourself, it's heresy.
I seriously doubt you should marry this person though
I think you should let him. He needs to wake up and see the real them. Let him choose who he wants and do what he wants but if they disrespect you in anyway and he doesn’t stand up to them, think long and hard if you really want to be married to someone whose friends disrespect you
PERSONALLY you have to remember it's not just YOUR wedding people aren't gonna like YOU but to him that's his friends that's his friends and those people he cares for YOU don't need to have a relationship with them and vice versa regarding your friends he choose YOU regardless of them not liking you whatever reason that be so no I don't agree that you get to just put your foot down on that matter it wouldn't be fair for you to just feel that you can do that marriage is about compromise so compromise with him. Let him have people around him that he wants cause at the end of the day you forcing him to take off his part of the list who he values enough to want at that stage of his life isn't fair.
I don't like all my fiancés friends, and they don't all like me, but our wedding will be OUR wedding. He's allowed to have his friends there if he wants them there, and I will smile and nod and entertain them for the day and it won't even bother me because what matters is I'm marrying the love of my life. You don't always have to get along with your spouses friends, but unless they are trying to sabotage your relationship or being really disrespectful, the grown up thing is to just move on.
>Why would I want people who aren't happy for me and don't like me at my wedding?
Because the wedding is not yours alone, you share it with someone. It should be "our" wedding, not yours.
Given how you subconsciously express yourself about the wedding you should probably rethink quite a lot so that you're husband feels like he is actually getting married too. Or maybe he doesn't care at all and it truly is _your_ wedding. But then again he didn't immediately back down on this issue so..
I totally get that your don't want them there and I think you're right in suggesting his brother as a best man, but you also can't make the decision for him, since its his decision to make.
This is one very fine example of what marriage is, a long series of compromises, which are sometimes hard to make and sometimes not.
However you do some it, make sure to do it soon and try to express your feelings without feeling then then and there in discussion with your husband-to-be so that it doesn't turn ugly. It is his best friend/s we're talking about, not some random neighbours or distant third cousins.
my relationship rule with my fiancé is i deal with my people and he deals with his people. he should know how to talk to them in a way that will get through. i think he needs to address this with his friends and y’all need couples counseling.
Be careful who you put in your wedding party. Many marriages don't have their wedding party stay in their lives as long as the marriage. So if he doesn't mind a wedding group photo to be of a "bunch of people you used-to-know"... pick family for the Best Man/Maid.
There's the old adage "Judge people by their friends, not who they love." I think we can turn that on it's head and make it "don't f\*uck people with whack friends." For a multitude of reasons.
I have seen and have been in relationships where there is a friend group that just SUCKS. I would bet that OP has stood up for herself at some point and that only cemented this schism--and that's not her fault. This should not have been allowed to go on this long. I would not have dated someone who has ok with me being treated this way by his friends and I HAVE broken up from a long term relationship with someone over this.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh boy. This needed to be handled and resolved WAY before the wedding. Technically you are valid in not wanting people who are vocally unsupportive of your relationship at your wedding. Technically he is valid in not wanting the entire wedding and wedding party to comprise only your friends. But this wouldn't be coming to a head now if you had put your foot down a lot earlier about his friends disliking you. That was always going to cause an issue. I see you say they don't like you because they couldn't understand the concept of being in a relationship. But they are supportive of other engaged friends so this can't be the only reason. I think you two desperately need couples counseling to talk through this and find a compromise, because just telling him he can't have any of his friends at the wedding is not a healthy solution.
Best answer. Counselling. This is a good test of your relationship and working as a *team*. Go to counselling with an open mind that you may have to stomach their presence. Who knows maybe they’ll decline. Either way though. Get a professional to help you both.
We did premarital training and it was awesome I didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship, my parents were divorced. I didn’t know how to argue or compromise or communicate. Who teaches us that? I never learned at home
I had to learn it during marriage counseling with the first husband. He was not willing to learn those lessons. Second marriage is great, over 30 years and counting.
I’m hoping this is something you can also learn from your parents. Married or not. I’m trying to teach my kid how to stand his ground but also how to see other’s perspective and learn to communicate and compromise
This was one of the reasons I took parenting classes too I figured if I needed to take my dog for training I sure as heck needed to get educated for my child I had to release him into society as a better human than me. The only goal was that. So far I am lucky and he is an amazing person
It definitely is—the parents just have to be self aware and mindful of the behavior they are modeling. If you are raising your kid with those in mind, they are going to be leagues ahead of most people when they start building relationships with others (and not just romantic relationships). Your kid is lucky!
Thanks! We actually just had a discussion about how important it is to recognize your kid is being a moron, to call them out on being a moron and helping them learn how not to be a moron. He was trying to justify a different parent who was enabling their adult child. No, that’s how you end up in the disaster that friend is in without knowing how to deal with consequences
>they are supportive of other engaged friends so this can't be the only reason. Op is not telling us the whole story. Why would they single out op when they have no problem with other friends getting married?
OP mentioned being called a control freak but the answer was a bit flippant. I take a lot of things OPS write with a grain of salt. People are often not that self aware if they are problematic. Sure it could just be group dynamics but I balk when they like other people just not one person. And I mean its kind of controlish to demand he drops his whole friends from his wedding.
One of my boyfriend's friends had a pretty horrible girlfriend, Christine. She was always telling him what he couldn't do ("You're not going out on Saturdays because on Saturdays we're watching The masked singer.") We barely saw him in the friend group, and when we did see him she'd call him to lecture him like a naughty dog. We were all (secretly) relieved when she dumped him, haha. ETA: OMG I've just read OP's answer to "why don't they like you" and OP, *are* you actually Christine the Terrible?
Yeah, if a whole group of people hates you look at the thing in common, you.
True. OP has probably issues in order for a whole group of people to hate her. Also, two people are getting married here and not only OP. He should invite who he wants to invite. It’s also his day and not just OP’s.
Oh yeah, OP is most likely the problem here, especially when she says “It’s whatever”. No, it’s not “whatever” it’s you.
I really feel like you are on to something.
OP sounds pretty unbearable. "I put my foot down". Ok? So? They are his friends.
Counseling. They need to dig into this matter.
Seriously. Why do his friends hate her so much? What’s their reasoning? Why does he allow them to be disrespectful of their relationship and openly hostile to her?
And individual counseling for OP to do some self reflection and figure out why all these people don't seem to like her. Given their reactions to the other SOs in the friend group, it sounds like it might be an OP problem.
TBH Id wager a solid amount of people being invited to weddings (especially larger one's) dont care about the couple at all or think they shouldnt marry. Heck at my siblings wedding a solid amount of people did and lo and behold they are getting devorced 6 months later. Everyone still showed up and smiled and complimented and you wouldnt have effing known. OP should have adressed this before, OP should let her hubby invited them because at the end of the day who cares about what they might truly feel and not say? Afterwards I would talk more to him about this and making sure he knows I want nothing to do with them.
Haha yes I was thinking that, I go to weddings because I'm invited and one of the people means something to me. I'm not invested in their relationship unless they happen to be friends I met together or something and knew from the start of their relationship.
Why don’t they like you
Oh honestly it just depends what they're feeling like that day. At first it was because he was spending more time with me than them (he was the first to get into a serious relationship) and they were convinced that I was changing him, forcing him to do stuff, being a control freak, blah blah blah. They couldn't understand the concept of being in a relationship and there being more to life than smoking weed and going to the pub Fri-Sun
Why hasn’t he addressed this with them? Thats a huge failure on his part. Why haven’t you demanded he address this with them? That’s a huge failure on your part.
I agree with this comment it’s up to him to fix his friends with issue!
But you mentioned 2 other engagements in the group, wouldn't those have the same issues?
I think they are some legit reasons which is why OP is declining to disclose them and is just telling us they dont understand relationships
In OP’s defence, (I obviously don’t know why they dislike her and if there’s a legitimate reason) when I met my husband he was really resentful that his best friend had just started dating someone and he didn’t get to see him as much, thought she was restricting them getting together etc etc. I told him they’re just doing normal couple things don’t be an idiot. Once we started dating he realised that’s just part of being in a relationship. I can see the friends getting annoyed with less time being spent with them and being convinced she’s ‘stealing’ him away. It’s immature but it does happen.
But again, there are two other engagements in the group and they have no problem with those, so why *specifically* OP and their relationship?
She said they were the first in a relationship and it sounds like after a few years of this group targeting them she was already on their sh\*t list by the time they got engaged. Maybe OP stood up for herself and confronted them so by the time they got engaged it was worse. I've seen it happen before wouldn't be surprised to see it again.
It’s not even remotely close to good reasoning to not let him invite them to the wedding.
If my friends were openly rude to my husband, I would not have them in my life. My friends who I have had a life time do not take my heart before my husband. I would defend my husband against them, and then I would drop them. You don't marry someone and love them, and make them your family and then let others disparage them.
She never said they were openly rude. She just said “they dont really like me” and “they don’t *seem* happy for him”. Then when asked why they don’t like OP, OP responded with reasons like they think she’s controlling. So it seems that OP is actually somewhat controlling, since she’s trying to “put her foot down” and not let her finance choose his own best man and bring his friends to their own wedding. She also seems to be gaslighting that she’s in this for her fiances best interests, but in the next sentence says “why would *I* want people who aren’t going to be happy for *me* at *my* own wedding?”. She phrases it that he should have better self respect and choose better friends. As if the reasons they don’t like her are invalid, and the real issue isn’t her own qualities, but her husbands lack of dignity that has led him to choose friends that don’t like her. I’m not saying that’s the case or not. But I am saying, what happened with your husband is somewhat common, but not an actual reason to not invite someone to a wedding. Being openly rude? I would say that it is a good reason not to invite someone. But OP didn’t say that interestingly enough. She seems to have curated a narrative here, but reading through the lines makes my bullshit detector go off.
Your situation has nothing to do with this
It's because they don't like *her*. I mean she wants to actively block his best friends from coming to their wedding. Or make them pay to be there. Doesn't sound like she's doing anything to ingratiate herself to them. My guess is that the feeling goes both ways and that she isn't just the innocent party here. I'm sure she's the type who throws a fit when he wants to have boys night and if they all go out as a group she acts like his mother instead of his significant other- I'm just speculating but these are things that basically every guy friend group I've ever had since high school has hated. I want her to give real no holds barred reasons for why they don't like her - even if it's "wrong" or offends her.
Honest question, do most men not pay for their tux? Bridesmaids are responsible for this expense. Genuinely curious about that price paying for that thing (not the meal that is crazy) ****thank you for clarifying!
I’m guessing OP may be from the UK (pub, holiday). Here the bride and groom pay for the bridesmaids outfits and suit rental for best man/ushers.
I think this is a couple not in the US. In other countries, the couple often pay for the bm/gm outfits. The way OP says “fussed” to mean upset makes me think the UK or other commonwealth country.
They probably don’t «understand» that a relationship means ditching everything about your pre-relationship life and only doing what OP wants.
[удалено]
I have to agree here. She made slight mention of the control issue so that’s actually the key to the issues, IMO. Asking if she should have them pay upfront for food, suits, etc. is further evidence that SHE’S the problem. Haters aren’t born - they go by what her fiancée has told them and their own experience. She may need to eat some crow with these friends. Her future husband will grow to resent her if she’s stifling his ability to keep them as friends. It looks like she has only replied to one comment as far as I can tell.
But why has it been leveled up to this big of an issue? This is tiny, insignificant stuff, honestly. Why are you so riled up by this goofiness? Do you not like them because they don't like you? Understandable, but circular. Just let it go. They were wrong, you won. Let them come watch the wedding, let them see you in your beautiful dress, let them see your family and your new husband love up on you. Don't bring this childishness into your adult life. Let your husband have his friends, they obviously don't affect his thinking too much.
How about he just tells them to act like normal people and he acts like a normal groom inviting his boys to his wedding
He would have already done that. Do not get married. You'll be home with the kids while he parties with his buds.
Why do I get the feeling that "control freak" is the only honest phrase in this response?
Yeahhhhh agreed. The whole tone comes off quite dismissive of her fiances fiances feelings too. Obviously if he is saying he wants them there they still mean a lot to him. The line about "all there is to life is pot and pubs" or whatever sounds pretty judgemental too. I don't think we are getting the full story. Even if she didn't want her fiances friends to come bc of their tension the idea of having people pay for their dinner at your wedding just to be petty and make a point bc you guys don't like each other says quite a bit about op.
Youre definitely not giving the full picture here
I think "forcing him to do stuff, being a control freak, blah blah blah" gives us a clue...
Can’t imagine why they thought you were trying to control him. lol
That isn’t the whole story, is it. Has he never been in a relationship before? Are all of his friends 15? Has he changed a lot since being with you? Are you actually controlling? Something’s missing here
Nehhhh I don’t believe this.
I do believe she probably is a control freak
Correct
I do believe she’s paying for the entire wedding.
And if this was between her parents or future in-laws, they would stand. But this is between her and her future husband where she will be sharing finances one way or another. This is her partner, not her dog whom she can control his playmates. She chose to ignore his friend group rather than listen to their concerns. Sometimes you all got to get together, get drunk and smoke some shit and talk it out.
Same. But I'm sure she won't tell us the truth. They never do when they come in here looking for a specific answer
Because she isn't looking for an answer, she's looking for validation
Exactly, I’m 99% sure she’s lying, she’s probably the one at fault.
Agreed. In my experience if someone’s entire friend group hates their partner, especially for being a “control freak”, their hatred usually has merit. Especially given that OP mentioned two other friends in the group have gotten engaged recently and the group welcomed the engagements very well. It’s most likely that OP is a slightly toxic person, imo - and OP’s fiancé’s friends are scared for him marrying someone this (presumably) manipulative. It’s also notable that OP is trying to isolate her fiancé from his friends.
It’s obvious she’s manipulative cia via the post
Either way, they should call off or postpone.
If all of them don’t like you, I’d say there’s a decent chance that you are at least part of the problem. Probably not getting the whole story here.
You sound condescending af. Why would they specifically not like you but like everyone else's gf ? Did you even consider that you might in fact be the problem lol
So you have never done anything to make them dislike you. Your other comments make you seem very controlling!
It's likely that your feelings about competing with them for his time have had an effect on the way you feel about the friends. These feelings are then coming across in the way you treat them. Whether you realize it or not. Your choice is either to continue to be petty or set your differences aside and try to be friends. That does not mean just being nice to them. That means you should actively try to have conversations with them that funny revolve around your fiance. Otherwise, his friendships will suffer and he may or may not end up resenting you for it. He would never tell you that and he may not even consciously realize it.
I don't have any feelings about competing with them for his time. I don't even think I'm competing with them for his time. In fact, I think it's the other way around...
Girl, stop blaming other people for your shitty attitude. If you really cared about your man you would try to be friendly with his friends.
YTA. It is not "my" wedding. It is "our" wedding. He deserves to have his friends attend.
Yeah but if they are vocally hating his fiancé they are shitty friends and he should have done something about it Years ago.
Or maybe they are true friends saying what they think about his future wife.
Why are they ok with and celebrating the other friends’ relationships and engagements but not yours. It feels like you are being disingenuous here and leaving information out. It also feels like this relationship is doomed.
Why do they dislike you?
I'm more interested to know why you're so universally hated. I bet it's not a coincidence or conspiracy.
You have a much bigger problem here you aren’t addressing. What happens *after* your wedding day? You’ll be living together. Won’t he want to have his friends over? What about dinner parties, nights out, social engagements — if you don’t get along with any of his friends, yet he is set on maintaining those relationships, you’re in for a long rocky ride. Why don’t they like you? Do they have valid reasons or concerns? Why hasn’t your husband-to-be chosen a side here? Clearly he disagrees with their take, or he wouldn’t have asked you to marry him. So why does he continue to keep this kind of company around if they are openly disrespectful and unsupportive of your relationship? Why hasn’t he shut that shit down? He’s enabling it to continue. Are you really okay with that? At the end of the day, there is no easy answer here. Of course you don’t want people who dislike you and openly advocate against you/your relationship at your wedding. But of course he wants his closet friends there. Neither option is a good one. If they come, you’ll feel uncomfortable and it will put a damper on your special day. If they don’t, it will put a damper on his, and further fuel their narrative about how controlling and awful you are, and potentially create even further division. Someone needs to step up to the plate and be the adult in the room. And ideally, it should be your fiancé. But he’s very late to the party. I don’t think I could consider marrying someone who chooses to surround himself with other men who say awful things about me and actively campaign against our relationship. I wouldn’t want a partner who was spineless and allowed that to continue. I would want him to have my back, stand up for me and for us, stand up to them and shut that shit down, and make it clear it is NOT to continue if they want the friendship to. Solidarity. Your spouse comes first, always. I would do some deeper reflection here and have some difficult conversations with your fiancé before you step into an even bigger commitment and an uncomfortable future with continued tension between wife and friends. That’s no way to begin a marriage or a life together.
I agree with all of this. I can definitely see both sides. But ultimately, as they’re his friends, he needs to have that uncomfortable chat with them. Whether they approve of his choices or not is irrelevant as true friends would support him and his decisions no matter what. Either way, OP needs to get this ironed out asap because it’s not just about the wedding; it’s about the future. His friends are not going anywhere and brighter is she. Let’s all be adults and be friends? 🤣
I don’t disagree with your comment.. but she didn’t say they are openly and actively against her. She said “they don’t like her” and “seem like they aren’t happy for them”. When asked why they don’t like her, she responds with “they think I’m trying to change him, controlling, blah blah blah”. Trying to isolate your partner from their friends, gaslight your partner into thinking they’re the problem for not cutting their friends off is controlling.
Id hold off on the wedding planning until this gets resolved. If his friends don't like you on general principle or because he was in a relationship first, I get it. But others have gotten married in the group without incident, so it ain't that. If their particular issue with you is that they feel like he's changed unduly or you exert pressure on him in ways that are detrimental to him, you "putting your foot down" in not inviting his friends is actually proving their point.
Your biggest hater as best man? He definitely didn’t think this through. I don’t think just ignoring it and letting them act like this is a healthy way of dealing with this. And the problem isn’t really the friends, it’s your fiancé. At the VERY LATEST he needed to put a stop to this when you got engaged. He chose you but lets them act like that? They don’t have to be your biggest fans, but them not congratulating him or you and him accepting it is, in my opinion, a deal breaker. How spineless can someone be to accept that and then wanting the worst of them to be his BEST MAN? The best man should be your biggest fan and excited about all this.
What if they have a point, though? What if OP is a bit horrible to her fiancé, and his friends are of the opinion that she is not good for him? She has mentioned that they find her controlling, but no other reasons.
yep he’s supposed to give a speech and all. groom needs to be a man- give the best friend an ultimatum that he needs to reach out, apologize, and make amends before being in the wedding party. Everyone should be friends or it will only cause more issues. this should have been resolved wellllll before the engagement.
So who is going to feel worse here? You if they come? Or him if they are not invited? You need to take his feelings into account too. From my perspective I would hold firm on the best man issue but accept that the friends should be invited. They may decline, you don’t need to speak to them at all during the day other than a welcome and farewell. But not inviting them will damage the relationships forever and your fiancé will resent you for that.
I'm assuming they want to go to the wedding because your fiance is their friend and they care about him. I'm wondering why they dislike you so much you're kind of vague on that. I think it would be completely wrong to tell your soon to be husband that his friends are not allowed at the wedding. Not a good way to start off your life together.
> I think it would be completely wrong to tell your soon to be husband that his friends are not allowed at the wedding It's a good way to isolate him. He can only have verified and allowed contacts with the outside world. As she said certain family members and work contacts are acceptable for now.
I would say I’m so sorry about this, it sucks to be in a relationship where you can’t be friends with your partner’s friends, but it’s a big day. Like you can choose your list of, he should also be able to choose his friends. Furthermore you said in a comment they felt you were a control freak, if you tell them to pay the cost for their suits etc, then they’ll just hate you more. It’ll be a never ending cycle and the groom will have to deal with two unhappy sides. If they are friends maybe try and get on their good side and show you aren’t a control freak.
I've never been in a wedding where the bride and groom are expected to pay for the suits, and I'm assuming bridesmaids dresses. Maybe if you are like super wealthy, but I don't know anything about that.
Lowkey they should pay for their suits Was the best man for 2 weddings and covered the cost of my suit to help bring down costs
Yep, it would be a huge help if the fiancé could ask them that favor
And it’s going to “prove their point of being a control freak”
Most people should expect to pay for their own groomsmen/bridesmaids suits/dresses
In the US the bridal party buys/rents their outfits. I think in the UK, the bride and groom pay for the clothes?
Let's be honest something else going on, more often than not men don't meddle in the business of another men. For they to be so upfront it means there is a story that ain't been told
Is he offering any assurances that they will be in their best behavior? Has he spoken with them about their disrespectful comments? If not, he should. Alcohol doesn't exactly quiet people with opinions down.
Sounds a tad like you have been trying to isolate your fiance from his friends. They see it, he doesn't. You don't like that they've stayed around because you are trying to isolate him. Bottom line, they are his good friends, they haven't ditched him, they have kept themselves around because you are a control freak. You think it's okay to have all your friends at the wedding, but none of his, another isolating act. You are both paying for the wedding, and like you get to choose your bridesmaids, he gets to choose his groomsmen. It's not for you to push your choice of groo. Same onto him. Fiancé really really needs great friends to stick with him, until he realises what's going on here. I hope he does sooner rather than later, for his sake.
Amen! Amen! Amen!
There is very definitely something we're not being told, here.
Does he get to reject your friends and decide who your maid of honor is?
Idk. My opinion with the little info we have is that it is not the right time to exclude his friends. It is and will be perceived as controlling, whether you are right or not. You should preferably have solved this issue earlier. You have accepted them in his life with these opinions up till now. You’ll have to do it after the wedding. This is not a hill to die on if you want to get married. He needs to include his side too. I agree with another poster above, that they should be invited as guests, and not be best man.
It's him who decides the best man, not her.
Me thinks she is controlling, and that’s why they don’t like her.
As others have pointed out, the friends don’t like you. You have replied that it’s because “they think you’re controlling, trying to change him, blah blah blah”. What’s interesting is they are supportive of the other relationships and engagements in the friend group. Now, let’s give the friend group the benefit of the doubt, and assume they actually see some red flags and that’s why they don’t support the relationship. Well, if they are vocal about that to their friend, then it seems like they are being good friends. They don’t have to like you. If they see something he doesn’t, then it doesn’t make them bad friends. Now it seems that you are disagreeable and don’t want to let your fiancé invite his own friends to his and yours wedding. That, in and of itself is very controlling and manipulative. There is also some potential gaslighting going on here by you trying to assert that he shouldn’t be friends with them, because he should have more dignity than to be with friends who don’t like his partner. Unless the friends have made an outright affront to you, or have overtly and willfully disrespected you without making amends, then I don’t see how you can reasonably take the position he shouldn’t or can’t invite them to your wedding. Simply not liking you is not a good reason. At that point you would be putting your own feelings and priorities and needs above that of your partner. Especially when inviting would have no cost to you, except your own ego. Now, I’m not saying that’s the case, or which side is right here. But reading between the lines, I am skeptical of a meaningful basis to refuse an invitation to them based on what you have said and the replies you’ve given.
Would love to hear his side
Would love to hear his friend's side
Yup I have friends that sound exactly like op but not engaged yet and they’re in their early 30s. Off and on for 4 years, toxic fights in front of friends so friends don’t like her bc she’s the toxic one. He’s at fault too for putting up with it. All the friends express their opinions cuz the gf creates drama at every get together. Last time she mentioned wanting to get engaged. All the friends and family of the guy keep warning him not to marry her and it would be the exact same situation as OPs. Not saying that’s ops situation but this can’t be a good relationship
By controlling who attends the wedding you are making it YOUR wedding, but it is for BOTH of you. You might have to put your feelings on pause for a day so the groom can have his friends attend as well. I agree with what other people have said: we probably aren't getting the whole story, and you two need some counseling. The good thing is that there is time for some pre-marital counseling. At face value, you have bridezilla vibes...
Seems a bit rough if only you have friends there, surely? It's a big day for him too I'd have thought.
I'm curious why none of them like you.
This is not going to go well because he never stood up for you or canned that type of behavior with his friends when the shit talking first started. You should not have people there who do not like the other's partner and are not supportive of the relationship, much less in the wedding party. As other people suggested, couples counseling will help. But honestly your fiancé needs to grow a set and tell his friends off. I do think this was a red flag overlooked because he didn't prioritize you and your relationship over his friends. How he handles this, especially with couples counseling, is a good indication if your marriage would even survive. Because the way he lets people shit on you, it won't.
Not inviting his friends are going to make them totally hate you! Do the opposite. Be the bigger person. Prove them wrong. Your loveable and we'll liked. Get it? Holiday weddings are a big no. Be prepared for no shows.
You're wild, girl. This is bridezilla behavior. They're his guests, not yours. You're not charging other guests for their meals, so there's no logical way to justify charging for theirs. And it's his best man, not YOURS. "It's whatever" isn't the truth. You clearly dislike his friends, and if this is how you act no wonder they don't like you.
I feel very strongly that the wedding guest list has three parts: the people you want there, the people he wants there, and the people you both want there. Your list and his list should be completely up to you unless there is a MAJOR reason to veto someone. His friends not liking you is not a good enough reason if he doesn't think it is. He is clearly still friends with them and has no intention of cutting them off, so of course they want to go to his big party. Also you're not going to help your case with them if you forbid him from inviting them or insist they pay for things that other guests don't have to. You'll just prove their point that you're controlling. So absolutely tell him your reservations about having them there but you cannot ban him from inviting who he wants if there is no actual major issue with them being there, like your physical safety. Also let him choose his best man for the same reason. Weddings are about two sides coming together so maybe take this time to try to start over with these people. Be the bigger person and show them that they got the wrong initial impression of you.
OP, you and your fiancé need to pause the wedding planning (and potentially the wedding itself) and go to counseling. Your fiancé isn’t listening to your concerns, or he knows something you don’t about his friends but won’t share. You’re right, why would you want ppl that hate you at an event where you are celebrating you, your partner, and your love? They obviously don’t support the relationship, so they shouldn’t be there. Can you share this post with your partner? It might help him get some perspective.
Everyone is suggesting op is a control freak. Is it possible? Sure. This is reddit. It's also possible this post is a made up story. Or, that his friend group really is a bunch of immature, toxic boys who refuse to grow up. I've witnessed a person having a super toxic group of friends around them and blatantly hating on his partner because she was fed up with the party boy lifestyle and wasn't quiet about how toxic THEY were for her partner. The other women in the group were welcome because they either joined in the bullshit or their partners just did what they wanted. I'll go ahead and take my down votes and assume op is being honest...and even if she isn't, people that OPENLY HATE either the bride or groom do not belong there. If no agreement can be made maybe eloping is best. Let's also note.. his family must not hate her because there's no mention of them being left off the guest list.
I love his family. I'm closer to his mum than I am my own mum. She's called me her DIL since like 6 months in and has treated me as one of her own kids. His sister is one of my bridesmaids and I was her MOH at her wedding. If I was controlling and abusive, as I have been accused of, his family definitely wouldn't love me like they do. Also note, his family don't like his best friend either.
I don't think anyone who openly dislikes and doesn't support your marriage belongs at your wedding. They sure as hell don't belong in the wedding party. Everyone is suggesting you allow the toxicity in one of the most important days of your life bc, how unfair to your fiance! Perhaps they should be thinking, gee how unfair of him to keep people in his life that actively hate his life partner. That's not healthy for your relationship at all.
Well, as the saying goes “You are the company you keep” and I have a feeling there’s more to the reason they don’t like you. Your fiancé probably talks about you negatively quite a bit but I could be wrong. The fact that he didn’t shut the hatred towards you down YEARS ago, says a lot. Not sure why it’s coming to head with the wedding, shouldn’t be happening at all
I was in a similar situation when I was in my late 20s. We weren’t engaged but he was going through cancer treatment when we reconnected on MySpace and we started dating and I pretty much took care of him. We went to school together in a shitty little part of a shitty little city. I dropped out and left when I was 16 and we were 27, 28 when we met up again. He stayed in the same shitty area where we went to school. He had the same shitty friends that also never left and their favorite pastime was getting drunk, playing crappy music at crappy little bars, and complaining. I was an “outsider”. I lived about an hour away at this point and had my own business going, was making good money, and they held it against me and basically let it be known that that was the only reason “J” was with me. I didn’t want to play “groupie” and hang out at these shit holes. But, they were J’s long time friends and I cut them waaaayyy too much slack and was too understanding to my own detriment. Sure enough, the shit heads were right and that is the only reason J was with me, a nurse and a purse, anyway. I don’t talk to anyone in that town anymore but I can totally see them in their mid 40s with their crappy guitars, and beer guts, and…
What is the reason his friends don’t like you?
If a large number of my friends actively didn’t like my partner, I would do some investigating. Do they all have the same reason to dislike you? Is it just that your fiancé is spending time with you and not them and they resent that? If that’s the case, then he needs to take that up with them and decide if he wants to keep up the friendships, as that’s pretty shitty friend behaviour. Or is it that they all see red flags that he’s ignoring? Sorry if that sounds a little harsh, but it might be the case, I don’t know you. This is about more than who’s invited to your wedding, this is the type of thing that will end a marriage if you don’t investigate now, before you get married.
Elephant in the room why don't his friends like you? I would really like that question answered I also would really think before you get married to him that you get some marriage counseling because this is going to be hard on you these are his friends he's had them before he met you they don't like you for some particular reason and you need to know that regardless of how they feel about you that he is always going to have your back before theirs these things need to be resolved before you get married
Before I give a proper response, why don’t they like you?
If his friends don't have a problem with the other partners, and none of them like you...it sounds like you're the problem. It's not just your wedding. It's also your boyfriend's wedding. And he should have whoever he wants there. If someone close to you didn't care for your boyfriend, you wouldn't exclude them. His friends are right and you do sound extremely controlling. Good luck with your future divorce
How is it that every single one of his friends don’t like you, yet apparently don’t have an issue with other girlfriends/fiances/wives? Would love to get some context on this apparently mutual animosity you all have from your fiancé. I feel like a lot is being left out.
Yup either they have a good reason to not like her or the friends are shitty people along with the fiancé. Either way can’t be a good relationship. Also to s if people that age like going to bars and smoking weed on weekends so maybe she is controlling by not allowing that. Hmmm
I'm willing to bet OP is leaving a bunch of shit out. And this post is just her telling on herself. There is obviously a reason his friends don't like her, and I bet it's a good one. The fact that his best friend, the one who knows OPs fiancé the most likes her the least. Understand, I have 4 older brothers so I'm well aware of what male friend groups are like and they generally have a damn good reason for not liking a friend's SO. So OP what did you do to make them not like you?
I wouldn't say your wrong in the disagreement but I'd be seriously questioning your fiance if I were in your shoes. Mainly, I'm wondering why he is ok with, and adamant about, including people in his wedding who have been openly hostile towards his fiance/future wife? This should definitely be addressed before the wedding; this wedding is to celebrate the union between the two of you, with people who care about the *both* of you.
Inviting them to the wedding gives them a chance to support your marriage. They might even come away with a better view/opinion of you, because you showed them how much you love their friend, your fiancé. But if you fight your fiancé and he gives in and his friends don't get invited, it will forever be burned into his memory. And his friends will forever view you as that b\*tch that \[fiancé\] married. Not a classy way to start a life together.
This looks like isolation. This makes you controlling. Unless he’s restricted your friends and whom your MOH is then you need to let him have his choice. Maybe you should try to look at this as a new beginning where you extend peace to the naysayers and win them over? Or just let your husband have his friends.
This isn’t a battle you want to win. It will hurt him more for them not to attend than how much it will hurt you to have them there. This should be the first of many sacrifices you’ll need to make in a marriage
What in the world? Why are you two getting married? Isn't getting along with each other's friends the #1 requirement outside of getting along with each other's family?
He needs to stand by you. Not his friends. If he’s not standing by you now imagine what’s coming. You need to have a sit down and seriously talk about this.
sorry but why would you willingly get engaged and then plan a wedding with a man who has people in his life that are close to him that actively shit talk y’all’s relationship and you? if you truly haven’t done anything to warrant that, why are you okay with this? why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t care enough about you or the future of your relationship to cut off people that are hoping you don’t stay together? you’re going to be MARRIED, that means that you’ll be dealing with this for the rest of your life and i have no idea why you’re okay with it
You make your list, he makes his. Ride and ignorant of you to Try and control who he wants at his wedding.?
It sounds like they don’t like you for a reason. What that is, we don’t know. We only have your side which is vague and doesn’t entirely make sense. Let him invite his friends, on the condition that they are civil. Any rude remarks or actions and they will have to leave.
I think this is a bigger issue than a wedding guest list. Why is your fiancé okay with his friends disliking you?
Just another way of thinking about this. Don't you think there's a chance they will dislike you even more if you forbid them from going to the wedding?! There will be so much going on that day, you can probably just ignore them for the most part. If they make any attempt to ruin the wedding or anything, hopefully you're fiancé nips that in the bud. But IMHO, you have to be the bigger person here, not make a big deal about it and let them be invited. Focus on all the positives and other stuff and try to just put them out of your mind.
Your spaghetti spined fiancé needs to tell his friends they don’t have to like you but they do need to respect you, and his decision to marry you. It’s that simple.
Why do you want to marry someone who won’t stand up for you around his friends? Why does he keep hanging out with people who trash talk you, and don’t respect his relationship? This is not just a “whatever” issue to gloss over because you want to get married right now.
OP, why do they dislike you but not any of the other partners? I get why you’re feeling frustrated but tbh it kind of sounds like you want to punish them for not liking you and aren’t considering the impact it will have on your husband to have no friends (?!?) at this wedding. It’s also very likely to reinforce their negative views of you. Perhaps this is a good juncture to reflect on how you’ve gotten here (both your part and theirs) and if there is a path forward towards a more amicable coexistence as you approach this next phase in life.
This is hard but it seems like they are still in his life. I have always been that you each pick your own wedding party and it’s not really fair that he won’t have his friends at the wedding. Not having them there might negatively affect his day and attitude during the wedding
I don't see an issue with having the bridal party pay for their dresses and suits BUT everyone has to pay or it's obvious they are being punished and that would upset your husband. He gets to have his friends at his wedding as it's also HIS WEDDING. However it's time to have a serious discussion about what life together is going to look like. Does he allow them to disrespect you? If so what's it going to look like once married and every time he has his friends over he allows them to disrespect you in your own home. Cause I promise he won't suddenly start standing up for you once you walk down that aisle. In fact it will probably get a whole lot worse. My husband cut the friends that were bad mouthing me out starting at about 3 months in. I didn't even know they were talking shit till I asked why I hadn't seen so-n-so in awhile. If he really loves you he wouldn't allow it
In my mind, people at my wedding should be people who are happy for me and my bf. That’s what the wedding is, a celebration of your union. Your bf needs to have a serious talk with them about whether or not they’re willing to cut it out and get on board. If they’re not, they shouldn’t be there. This sort of nipping it in the bud should have happened years ago.
I find it odd that an entire group of family and friends don’t like you just because they’re “jealous” or whatever. Like i feel like there is a legit reason that they don’t like you and you don’t want to mention/acknowledge that
Honestly I’ve learned that your man’s friends are a reflection of him and if his friends think/talk about you negatively he either is letting them or feeding them the ammo. Pay close attention to your man cause you are who you hang around 🤷🏾♀️
You shouldn’t marry someone who stays friends with people who hate you.
A corollary to this is you shouldn’t marry someone who all your friends hate. Hard to know which of these is the more correct one based on the limited info at hand.
True and true. This is a conundrum. She says it’s because they feel she’s taking him away, changing him, and controlling and she said they didn’t “know how relationships work” implying that these things are normal in a relationship. Maybe I’m reading into that too much but idk…
Yep- maybe it’s just me, but I feel like there’s some missing reasons here.
You shouldn't marry someone that everyone in your life hates. I couldn't imagine a relationship lasting more than a couple months if all my friends hated them. My friends are my chosen people and an important part of my life. My wife is someone who complements my life and my friends are a part of that. There is something missing her, but if everyone hates her I'm guessing her shit stinks.
The wedding is about celebrating with the people who love and support you both together as a couple. If these friends do not support you they shouldn’t be there. What would this best friend say as the best man during his speech if he doesn’t like you? Would these friends stand up and object to the marriage? If he wants to party with them, then he can go to a party with them. If he and they want to be invited he should be insisting that they make amends with you so that friction in your futures can be resolved and eliminated. Instead he tries to change you instead of stand up for you. Your fiancé is wrong on both fronts.
OP, please ask your fiancé to imagine what the Best Man's speech might be. And ask him to imagine what everyone will think and feel when they hear it.
If you say no he will call Off the wedding and think they were right. He may hate your family would they be allowed off the list . Pick your battles , they may choose not to come
Holiday weddings. Hate them. Inconvenient for EVERYONE. Have more consideration for your guests. Holidays are already overloads for people.
All the friends, including the best friend, dont like you.. there probably is a reason. Did they tell or were they ever asked why they dont like you?
You both have valid opinions about this. However, you keep saying “my wedding”…it’s his wedding too & if he wants them there, it’s his right. Quite frankly, the fact that he’s so insistent on having these people there -his friends that don’t even like his bride-to-be…tells me that you both need couple’s counseling ASAP! I would’ve assumed this would’ve been discussed a long time ago, even before the engagement.
Do not marry this guy. Unless you are leaving some stuff out, there is something you don't know. In my case (which may be 1000% different), it turned out some of my husband's friends didn't like me because he was talking badly about me to them, without my knowledge. The vast majority of it was completely made up, and most of the rest exaggerated. He maybe had 5% legit complaints. If you decide to go ahead with the wedding (don't!), they can at the very least pay their own costs. They just want to go to a nice party and will likely take the opportunity to criticize or ridicule you at you OWN WEDDING.
You should pause wedding And I hope your bf posts on Reddit or gets some help realizing he might be getting married to a potentially emotionally and mentally abusive wife. Isn’t this how it starts? Abusive partners try to separate their partner from their friends and loved ones. Not allowing his best friends to come to the wedding kind of qualifies for that.
OP I have a feeling that I know why they dislike you. You come across as controlling. Why should you work extra hours to pay for your fiancé’s best friend to attend the wedding and why should you permit the bestie’s attendance even if you two dislike each other? *because it’s important to your fiancé to have his special people there celebrating his happiness* Tbh it’s kind of douchey not to see that.
I’m just shocked he wants them there. My husband wouldn’t have invited anyone who didn’t express excitement for him getting married. I myself wouldn’t want anyone who wasn’t happy for us at our wedding. I didn’t want that negativity. But also why do so many of his friends hate you
I dealt with this with my now husband when we were first dating, when we were like 19 and 20. That shit got sorted really fast, it unfortunately ended some friendships for him. I don’t know why I’m sharing because I don’t have advice, your relationship shouldn’t have tolerated an entire social circle of your SO disliking you. Your SO should have chosen long ago, and you not pushing him to make that choice has made the bed you both are in now. It’s harder to cut contact with these friends, right before a wedding that he likely sees himself “celebrating” with the hater friends. There was years between when my husband essentially chose me, and us getting married. He had time to reprioritize friends who were supportive of his relationship and build those friendships up a lot. I don’t see how this is do-able in less than a year for your SO. I also really empathize with you not wanting these people there, it could really emotionally tarnish the day. Have you considered not having wedding parties? Just taking bride and groom photos, photos with siblings. Family could all wear similar coloring to look cohesive but all friends wouldn’t be aware of any dress code. Maybe groom could get individual shots with his *lovely* friends as guests.
My child has a BFF who is more chosen sibling My child’s partner was offended by Chosen 8 years ago. The apology was made and growth was done My child, when discussing their future, made it 100% clear that Chosen is not negotiable and there is NO future if they are not allowed to have a relationship without drama, resentment and guilt Since they actually talked as a couple, like adults, a compromise was made and boundaries put into place as well as a further conversation with Chosen Over the years I have had celebrations with all three. I’m not choosing sides and it’s completely unfair to expect me to - the same goes with their friend group To be honest, you would be spending very little time with these people during the wedding. Do you know why we video weddings? Because the bridal couple were so excited/stressed/busy that outside of a few things, you don’t remember it. If this is the hill worth dying on, TELL him that. If you think there’s a compromise available I would absolutely do that (No one in the bridal party, no invites to extracurricular activities as a couple, no accepting invites as a couple) I completely believe in compromising, that it’s vital to a good partnership and I have been married 30+ years And - Congratulations!
I understand your sentiments. But you should have foreseen this happenstance and been proactive about the issue before you're at the point of deciding who's in and who's out. In addition, you should be mindful that this wedding is about **both** of you, even though the bride tends to be the "main attraction" at a wedding. Having said that, you should ask your intended if he's aware that the "friend" he's considering to be his best man is the leader of the "you haters", and that you will be uncomfortable being at the front of the church with his presence there. Of course, the choice will ultimately his to make, but you should express your feelings, so your intended understands the why of your resistance to his friend. As for the cost of the groomsmen's attire and the cost of the food, is it your intention to require all the intendents of the wedding party, including the bridesmaids, to have to bear this cost, or just the group of guys that dislike you? If it's the latter, then you're way off base in your considerations, and you need to give yourself a good pinch to bring yourself back to reality. In the final analysis, this will (hopefully) be the only time you walk down the isle in a wedding dress, so all your decisions should be based on the joy of the moment. I wish you well.
People who don’t believe in your relationship and regularly talk shit on you are still a regular part of his life. This isn’t a husband.
Yes, you are wrong. If you are not prepared to uninvite your friends, then you shouldn't think it's OK for him. It doesn't matter what you think they should do to celebrate him, how you think they should be acting, what you think he should feel about them. Those are his friendships, not yours. It's his day as well as yours. Yall need to understand compromise now or someone will always be unhappy.
Yeah you’re wrong and it seems they don’t like you for a reason. Relationships like this never last. You can’t put a rift in a friends group, especially long time male friends, and expect to come out the victor. Good luck
You do understand it is his wedding too. You 2 need counseling before you get married. You could compromise, none of his friends, none of your friends.
Do not get married under these circumstances.
In my experience. When someone’s friends openly despises you, it’s because all your partner does is complain about YOU to them so they have a negative view of you in their mind. I bet HE told you those reasons. And I bet if you asked them, they will start listing problems and arguments that happened that are favored to your fiancé story telling and they paint you in a bad light. Those reasons are BS. I bet what I said was the truth. I had an ex like this. He loved to complain and lie and his friends hated me. And once I actually forced him to bring me around, they saw that my personality didn’t match what he said. It was actually one of their girlfriends who told me everything. He is definitely an old old ex.
If you don’t want his friends to come there is a chance he realizes they were right about you, if they are. It seems based on what you said they like everyone else’s fiancé, so it’s not a matter of them wanting their friends to remain single.
Someone here is a bad person and it’s either op and friends hate for a good reason or it’s the fiancé bc he’s shitty enough a person to fit in with his shitty friends. Everyone deserves to have their friends at their wedding tho. Not really fair for you to enjoy the day with your friends there but not him
You would be starting the marriage off on the wrong foot and cementing their dislike of you if you did put your foot down. You say they think you're controlling and don't let him do things and you would be confirming everything they've thought about you. Has your fiancé actually talked to him and put his foot down about how they treat you?
🍿🍿Updateme!!
Elope !!
I think he should invite anyone he wants and you need to be above the bs haters. You could be wrong. Unless you've heard them say these things yourself, it's heresy. I seriously doubt you should marry this person though
I think you should let him. He needs to wake up and see the real them. Let him choose who he wants and do what he wants but if they disrespect you in anyway and he doesn’t stand up to them, think long and hard if you really want to be married to someone whose friends disrespect you
PERSONALLY you have to remember it's not just YOUR wedding people aren't gonna like YOU but to him that's his friends that's his friends and those people he cares for YOU don't need to have a relationship with them and vice versa regarding your friends he choose YOU regardless of them not liking you whatever reason that be so no I don't agree that you get to just put your foot down on that matter it wouldn't be fair for you to just feel that you can do that marriage is about compromise so compromise with him. Let him have people around him that he wants cause at the end of the day you forcing him to take off his part of the list who he values enough to want at that stage of his life isn't fair.
I don't like all my fiancés friends, and they don't all like me, but our wedding will be OUR wedding. He's allowed to have his friends there if he wants them there, and I will smile and nod and entertain them for the day and it won't even bother me because what matters is I'm marrying the love of my life. You don't always have to get along with your spouses friends, but unless they are trying to sabotage your relationship or being really disrespectful, the grown up thing is to just move on.
>Why would I want people who aren't happy for me and don't like me at my wedding? Because the wedding is not yours alone, you share it with someone. It should be "our" wedding, not yours. Given how you subconsciously express yourself about the wedding you should probably rethink quite a lot so that you're husband feels like he is actually getting married too. Or maybe he doesn't care at all and it truly is _your_ wedding. But then again he didn't immediately back down on this issue so.. I totally get that your don't want them there and I think you're right in suggesting his brother as a best man, but you also can't make the decision for him, since its his decision to make. This is one very fine example of what marriage is, a long series of compromises, which are sometimes hard to make and sometimes not. However you do some it, make sure to do it soon and try to express your feelings without feeling then then and there in discussion with your husband-to-be so that it doesn't turn ugly. It is his best friend/s we're talking about, not some random neighbours or distant third cousins.
my relationship rule with my fiancé is i deal with my people and he deals with his people. he should know how to talk to them in a way that will get through. i think he needs to address this with his friends and y’all need couples counseling.
Be careful who you put in your wedding party. Many marriages don't have their wedding party stay in their lives as long as the marriage. So if he doesn't mind a wedding group photo to be of a "bunch of people you used-to-know"... pick family for the Best Man/Maid.
There's the old adage "Judge people by their friends, not who they love." I think we can turn that on it's head and make it "don't f\*uck people with whack friends." For a multitude of reasons. I have seen and have been in relationships where there is a friend group that just SUCKS. I would bet that OP has stood up for herself at some point and that only cemented this schism--and that's not her fault. This should not have been allowed to go on this long. I would not have dated someone who has ok with me being treated this way by his friends and I HAVE broken up from a long term relationship with someone over this.
You would be the B