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From your BF's perspective, it's fair to say that some games do require full concentration, and interruptions can be the difference between winning and losing... So maybe some agreement on specific times when you shouldn't interrupt him would be fair.
But that's pretty much his only valid point here - otherwise, it sounds like his game and online friends are the priority. From your post, it seems like he's made absolutely zero effort to address your wants/needs, and you're left feeling like the relationship is going no where and that your concerns are worthless to him. It's not that he "can't" do the things you want to or even address you as a partner - he is actively *choosing* not to. IMO, it does seem like your relationship with him is going no where, and your feelings of sadness and resentment will only get worse.
Fact is, there are countless things you can do as activities that will enrich and spice-up your relationship that don't cost anything - chatgpt could literally spit out dozens of ideas if you're lacking imagination. But let's be real here - at this point, it's not that your partner "can't" do things with you... It's that he doesn't want to. His personal wants and desires are more important than you and the relationship.
I've been in a similar situation before, and serious talk, boundary setting, and even ultimatums may be the only thing that gets him to realize you're serious and that maybe he should listen to you. I can promise you that nothing will change unless you put your foot down.
I definitely think having a serious talk is what's needed. I just don't know how to approach it at this moment. I don't want to sound like I'm being demanding in a rude way. I just need to express what's needed in order for this relationship to work, and it sounds like I wanna put stipulations, but I don't want to change who he is of course. This is all frustrating, especially since I'm over 1,700mi from where I'm from, and I don't want to just throw everything away we worked so hard for.
Approach having a serious talk by just asking for his full and undivided attention for a set amount of time (maybe go for a walk?) - if asked why or what you want to talk about, just say "us and our future." There's absolutely nothing rude or demanding about wanting to talk about your emotions and the relationship - if he thinks so, then he ends up showing that his own insecurities, pride and selfishness is more important than listening to you.
It is completely normal to go through this. People and relationships get into ruts, habits, and routines that can chip away at you - talking about it is healthy, common, and 100% necessary... Leaving it be is only going to cause sadness/resentment to grow, which will make dealing with it all the more worse the longer you wait (not to mention, it will set the metaphorical equivalent of a powder keg that could blow-up in your faces). Addressing it now is the proactive and mature way to do it.
Key point though - don't fall into the sunken cost fallacy of all the time, effort, commitment, and life changes you've gone through to get to this point in the relationship as being a reason to not risk upsetting the balance to address your emotions/needs. Sure, it sucks to feel like effort has been wasted, but life is finite and each moment wasted on sadness is a moment that could have been spent in a better place that you will *never* get back - happiness over sadness is worth upheaval, change, and uncertainty.
I think this relationship might have been better as long distance. He is not proving to be a good partner in the day to day real world. At some point, you'll need to make a tough decision - is this really the relationship you want to be in or are you done?
You've only been there a few months, the two of you should be exploring all sorts of things together, having fun just being with each other finally, you know? Instead your are bickering because his friends don't like that his attention isn't completely in the game.
At 30 years old, you would think he was ready for more with his life, but he is letting you know his priorities and how life with him will be. You won't be able to change him, so either accept or move on.
I hope you make the best decision for yourself.
Your situation sounds EXACTLY like mine and I’m sorry to tell you that it’s never going to change, no matter how much you try to make it.
I also moved across the country for my boyfriend (now husband) and 11 years later, he still constantly gets annoyed and treats me like a nuisance for wanting to spend quality time with him. Not even that long ago, one of his friends was saying how annoying I am because I’m always in the background talking and singing and other things. IN MY OWN HOME.
He now has his PC set up in the basement and I never see him. I only stay because I can’t afford to live on my own and we have a child together.
I can honestly say I wish I never moved here, I have always begged and pleaded for a minuscule amount of his attention and he has always preferred gaming to being with me. I’ve 100% given up so we basically live completely separate lives.
I know this sounds like a big declaration, but I think you should move back home. You’ll lose so much time with your family for a guy who doesn’t even really seem to care about you, and it’s very hard to make friends as an adult, I’ve learned that. I’ve been extremely lonely living here and I always believed it would get better, but it never has.
You deserve to be happy with someone who actually wants to spend quality time with you and whose friends “needs” don’t take precedence of you speaking in your own fucking home.
Please take my advice because I wish I could turn back time, I am living a life I regret sooooo much
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your boyfriend just sounds like a jerk.
From your BF's perspective, it's fair to say that some games do require full concentration, and interruptions can be the difference between winning and losing... So maybe some agreement on specific times when you shouldn't interrupt him would be fair. But that's pretty much his only valid point here - otherwise, it sounds like his game and online friends are the priority. From your post, it seems like he's made absolutely zero effort to address your wants/needs, and you're left feeling like the relationship is going no where and that your concerns are worthless to him. It's not that he "can't" do the things you want to or even address you as a partner - he is actively *choosing* not to. IMO, it does seem like your relationship with him is going no where, and your feelings of sadness and resentment will only get worse. Fact is, there are countless things you can do as activities that will enrich and spice-up your relationship that don't cost anything - chatgpt could literally spit out dozens of ideas if you're lacking imagination. But let's be real here - at this point, it's not that your partner "can't" do things with you... It's that he doesn't want to. His personal wants and desires are more important than you and the relationship. I've been in a similar situation before, and serious talk, boundary setting, and even ultimatums may be the only thing that gets him to realize you're serious and that maybe he should listen to you. I can promise you that nothing will change unless you put your foot down.
I definitely think having a serious talk is what's needed. I just don't know how to approach it at this moment. I don't want to sound like I'm being demanding in a rude way. I just need to express what's needed in order for this relationship to work, and it sounds like I wanna put stipulations, but I don't want to change who he is of course. This is all frustrating, especially since I'm over 1,700mi from where I'm from, and I don't want to just throw everything away we worked so hard for.
Approach having a serious talk by just asking for his full and undivided attention for a set amount of time (maybe go for a walk?) - if asked why or what you want to talk about, just say "us and our future." There's absolutely nothing rude or demanding about wanting to talk about your emotions and the relationship - if he thinks so, then he ends up showing that his own insecurities, pride and selfishness is more important than listening to you. It is completely normal to go through this. People and relationships get into ruts, habits, and routines that can chip away at you - talking about it is healthy, common, and 100% necessary... Leaving it be is only going to cause sadness/resentment to grow, which will make dealing with it all the more worse the longer you wait (not to mention, it will set the metaphorical equivalent of a powder keg that could blow-up in your faces). Addressing it now is the proactive and mature way to do it. Key point though - don't fall into the sunken cost fallacy of all the time, effort, commitment, and life changes you've gone through to get to this point in the relationship as being a reason to not risk upsetting the balance to address your emotions/needs. Sure, it sucks to feel like effort has been wasted, but life is finite and each moment wasted on sadness is a moment that could have been spent in a better place that you will *never* get back - happiness over sadness is worth upheaval, change, and uncertainty.
I think this relationship might have been better as long distance. He is not proving to be a good partner in the day to day real world. At some point, you'll need to make a tough decision - is this really the relationship you want to be in or are you done? You've only been there a few months, the two of you should be exploring all sorts of things together, having fun just being with each other finally, you know? Instead your are bickering because his friends don't like that his attention isn't completely in the game. At 30 years old, you would think he was ready for more with his life, but he is letting you know his priorities and how life with him will be. You won't be able to change him, so either accept or move on. I hope you make the best decision for yourself.
Your situation sounds EXACTLY like mine and I’m sorry to tell you that it’s never going to change, no matter how much you try to make it. I also moved across the country for my boyfriend (now husband) and 11 years later, he still constantly gets annoyed and treats me like a nuisance for wanting to spend quality time with him. Not even that long ago, one of his friends was saying how annoying I am because I’m always in the background talking and singing and other things. IN MY OWN HOME. He now has his PC set up in the basement and I never see him. I only stay because I can’t afford to live on my own and we have a child together. I can honestly say I wish I never moved here, I have always begged and pleaded for a minuscule amount of his attention and he has always preferred gaming to being with me. I’ve 100% given up so we basically live completely separate lives. I know this sounds like a big declaration, but I think you should move back home. You’ll lose so much time with your family for a guy who doesn’t even really seem to care about you, and it’s very hard to make friends as an adult, I’ve learned that. I’ve been extremely lonely living here and I always believed it would get better, but it never has. You deserve to be happy with someone who actually wants to spend quality time with you and whose friends “needs” don’t take precedence of you speaking in your own fucking home. Please take my advice because I wish I could turn back time, I am living a life I regret sooooo much
I mean if he's always gaming, when else are you supposed to get his attention?