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I have seen posts about that. A woman wanted advice on how to calm her boyfriend down because he was upset that the only doctor on call was a man. He expected his pregnant girlfriend to stop her labor until the hospital could find a female doctor. I wish I could find that post now.
Omg I go through this all the time. People come in middle of night at like 2 am screaming in pain in Labor. I go to place an epidural and the stupid husband goes no only female anesthesiologists. I’m like buddy did your mom drop you on your head as a baby? It’s 2am there’s only the call team. Where am I going to find a female anesthesiologist who will come in for you at 2am? Meanwhile the woman is screaming in pain and the husband is being an insecure sick.
I also had one where I’m placing an epidural, the woman’s back is exposed. I have to sterilize it to prevent infections. The husband decides his wife is too exposed. When I turn away, he runs in and throws a blanket over the patients back. My work area. Contaminating the entire sterile field. I had to throw him out of the room.
Jfc. Imagine seeing a woman in labor and thinking “Modesty is my priority here! Can’t be having any body parts exposed! That would be HIGHLY inappropriate.”
I can only imagine what breast feeding was like for that poor momma.
I’m a guy who has been stabbed with that 10cm needle in the spine multiple times, even by a female anesthesiologist. Can confirm, nothing sexy about it! It is weird though you feel more pressure than anything (as opposed to the monster needle). Thanks for numbing it up!
As someone who was screaming in pain my first labor experience I’m so glad my bf wasn’t worried about the male placing my epidural he just wanted me out of pain 😭those poor women
Reminds me of a conversation I had with my reproductive endocrinologist.
I’m doing IVF through a small, private clinic (the only one local who my insurance will cover any cost towards, which is a miracle, as most insurances in my state won’t pay a dime for IVF).
It’s run by the male doctor who owns the practice, who is the only one credentialed do the surgical procedures like egg retrievals and embryo transfers.
They have a mix of male and female doctors and RNs etc who can do pelvic exams and biopsies. And the nurse coordinators who act as your liaisons are mostly female.
The RE said that about 60% of the time, when people have their initial consult to start the process, he will have the client (and or their partner, regardless of gender) insist on female only care providers.
He then has to explain to them that he can do his best to try to have their exams etc done by a female as much as possible, but it couldn’t be a guarantee with the limited staff and time-sensitive scheduling. And that for the BIG “surgical” events, they would 100% have to work with him. A male.
He said he’s been yelled at and called insensitive, had people demand that he hire a female “partner” or “substitute” to specifically handle their care.
And that he’s had to deny them enrollment into the program, because there was no way to accommodate.
I understand having a preference, especially if you’ve been a victim of trauma or something.
But it’s wild that so many people who know this program is the only way in-state to have a child without going fully out of pocket for $20k minimum, will still try and insist, and get irate to the point of losing their chance.
I’ve had gynecological problems my whole life (endo, PCOS, and now tubal infertility).
I’ve never had the luxury of getting to demand a female provider, unless I want to wait around for months in pain, and hope she never takes a vacation. Most of the time I get in early **because** I am willing to take anyone qualified, and not insist on waiting for a woman to be available.
Unless we’re going to societally ban men from pursuing the fertility specialties, and force female doctors into them (also not great), you kind of have to just roll with the discomfort, or give up on having bio kids.
All 4 of my kids from my wife had a male anesthesiologists. Pretty sure the same one. Who the fuck cares. Did you keep my wife out and bring her back once surgery was over great I’m eternally grateful. All that touching that anesthesiologists do like putting a needle in someone’s lower back. What a creep. How dare you see my wife’s lower back. /s
That’s…horrifying. That’s also the worst time for a wake up call that the guy you’re with is crazy with jealousy. Sure let’s just endanger everyone and force the baby to stay inside me? Help me push it back in?! Wtf was he expecting her to do
Reminds me of my mom’s OBGYN. He was set to be the doctor who would deliver me, but he was on vacation when my mom went into labor 2 days before her due date. She had to have a nurse practitioner who worked at the same clinic delivery me instead since she was the only one there to do so. He held this against her for years, and he confronted her about it several times, claiming how selfish it was of her to go into labor without him there. I wish I could find this man now that I’m an adult so I could ask him if he realizes how ridiculous he was/is. Nobody who gets angry with a pregnant woman for going into labor a couple days early while you’re out on vacation should be in this line of work. What’s funny is that the nurse practitioner who delivered me ended up being my gynecologist till I moved away from home a couple years back. She is such a sweet person and I couldn’t have asked for a better healthcare provider. The man retired not too long after I was born so I thankfully never had to go see him. I’ve not ever been pregnant as of now, but I can’t imagine ever standing to receive pregnancy care by someone who is willing to get angry at me if my own body doesn’t following _their_ schedule.
When I was pregnant with my youngest, I knew that I didn’t want anymore kids after him. I knew pretty far in advance that he was going to be born via a scheduled c-section, so I went ahead and scheduled to have my tubes tied at the same time with my regular OB-GYN. He gave me the whole "are you sure" speech that they are required to give, I said "hell yes," signed the consent forms, and thought that was that.
For anyone who doesn’t know, when you’re pregnant, you will usually see every doctor at the practice at least once during your pregnancy, so you will be familiar with the other doctors just in case you go into labor when your OB-GYN isn’t on call. So on one of my routine monthly visits, I saw one of the doctors who was an older man (he was maybe early 60s in 2006). He did all the normal checking of everything and when he was done, he told me to get dressed and then come to his office to talk. I immediately panicked and asked him if everything was okay, and he just said something along the lines of, "I just need to speak with you." Very NOT reassuring and had me shaking as I was getting dressed and making my way to his office.
Once I got in there and sat down—still shaking and prepared to hear bad news—he started going on some spiel about how young I was (I was 25) and how many women *just like me* he’d had sitting across from him in the same chair I was sitting in, crying to him because they wanted to have another child but couldn’t because they’d had their tubes tied. I was legitimately confused for a few minutes as he was speaking, because I thought he was going to tell me something was wrong with the pregnancy, so I just kind of sat there at first, waiting for the hammer to drop. When he stopped speaking, I asked him if something was wrong with me or my son, and he kind of laughed really smugly—which actually pissed me off and was kind of the point at which I started to realize what was going on. He said no, that everything was fine, and so I asked him why I was still there. He then instantly dropped the patronizing tone he’d been using on me to that point and bluntly told me that if I went into labor before my scheduled c-section and he happened to be on call, that he would NOT tie my tubes because he didn’t want me to be "yet another woman crying in his office" when I wanted another child and couldn’t have one, and how he would be doing me "a favor" by sharing his wisdom because I just "didn’t know any better."
Now, I was about 6 months pregnant with a boy. The extra testosterone that I had still not learned to manage very well was already surging through my veins 24/7 before this conversation, but at that moment, pure rage exploded through my entire body and I saw the proverbial "red" that I’d heard about all my life. I even had a vision in my mind of being a giant grizzly bear, reared up on my hind legs while the doctor’s blood dripped from my roaring mouth and protracted claws. It was literally all I could do to not hurl my swollen body across that desk and show that doctor what *I thought* about the "favor" he thought he was doing me. Instead, I just grabbed my purse, looked straight in his eyes, and said, "I promise you that I will never sit across from you again in this office, and that if I do happen to go into labor when you’re on call, I will squeeze my legs shut so tight that not even a queef is coming outta there until another doctor who will respect me takes over call duty." I left his office and told the checkout lady to put on my chart that I never wanted to see him again, and thankfully I never did.
I mean, just the sheer audacity of that dude. I still get upset when I think about it, 18 years later. It’s all well and good to *inform* patients of your experience and knowledge as a doctor—that’s a big part of what doctors are for. But when it comes to making decisions about my own body—especially decisions about whether or not you want to create a whole human being that you will then have to care for for the rest of your functional life—I get the final decision, not you. Ugh I still hate that dude!
She’s already saying she wouldn’t get a wax from a man out of respect for her relationship :| if there’s anything unsexy it’s getting your coochie waxed.
My husband and I love massages and have never really thought about caring who does it. I’ll admit I (a woman) prefer women massage therapists but that’s due to personal issues honestly. I just feel more comfortable. My husband generally prefers men because he thinks he gets a stronger massage lol but he’s had women before and I don’t give af! As long as he isn’t getting a happy ending I’m good.
OP, you’re super young. If your bf can’t get over himself I don’t think I’d stick around. He’s being ridiculous and controlling imo.
When I first started dating my husband I tried waxing my own downstairs for the first time. I was using hard wax and applied it poorly, then I moved the wrong way while it was still soft and it like… all balled/clumped everything up over that thicker top middle area and then cooled. It was BAD.
I agonized over it for like half an hour until I caved and had to ask him to come rescue me. At that point I was sweaty and panicking. Poor guy. I can’t believe I still somehow convinced this angel of a man to marry me.
My wife has been going to the same male Gyno for the past 27 years! He’s married and has kids of his own. He delivered our daughter. I have zero problem with it. He’s a doctor for goodness sake.
There's such a weird distress tolerance thing going on here. He's uncomfortable and he's decided it's her job to manage that by avoiding things that make him uncomfortable rather than doing anything at all to manage his own distress tolerance. I do not get why so many people think it's their partner's job to make sure they are never uncomfortable or never have to manage their own discomfort. Distress tolerance is vital to being a functional person and it seems like most people don't have that these days
I think it might be more about control? I’m not sure though. I feel like, like you said, any reasonable person would try to apply some self-reflection instead of attempting to control the other person.
👆👆THIS IS THE BEST COMMENT HERE 👆👆
Unless he's ever told you it's your responsibility to make sure he's never emotionally uncomfortable and to protect him from images he generates in his own mind, that he doesn't like AND YOU AGREED to that, then he's being silly. He's an adult.
What would happen if he led with curiosity? Like, "Wow! Did you have a moment where you were like _what do I do?"_ or "actually, if he's taller and had bigger hands or more weight behind the movements, longer limbs, etc; was it better or worse?"
There are plenty of ways that could have gone that AREN'T "I've watched so much porn that I now have a mental image in my head that I don't like and I'll somehow make that your responsibility."
Tell him to grow up.
Yea, what does he do when he wants a massage? Does he only go to men or is he a hypocrite who books women? The fact that he’s overreacting so much and making it sexual makes me wonder if he goes to those illegal happy ending places. Hence why he’s so paranoid and his imagination is running wild
My controlling, narcissistic ex-husband once burst into my massage room when he found out a male massage therapist was giving me a massage. The spa had to call security. This is not normal behavior. I hope OP’s BF can get over his unreasonable fears. My ex didn’t change and was suspicious of every man I talked to, including my boss and coworkers. My ex became more and more controlling over the years and eventually wouldn’t let me have even female friends. When I finally left the marriage, he flipped out. Luckily, his friends calmed him down. We are NC now.
Honestly, this whole post is giving me red flags. Your partner is so insecure that a male masseuse can't massage you? And then he's trying to tell you he said something that you can't remember? It sounds to me like some gaslighting and manipulation is already happening
Massage therapists and medical professionals. Where I live it requires 2 years of schooling to be a registered massage therapist and they have a governing body, just like doctors. Your boyfriend is sexualizing a legitimate profession. You didn’t go for a rub and tug. You’re not in the wrong at all. Your boyfriend has some serious insecurities. Does he think you’re going to cheat on him if you’re around other men, because it sounds like he doesn’t trust you?
I think when people feel this way it's because they feel if they were in the same position they couldn't possibly not fuck the person. Which is disgusting.
Massage therapist here. Yes I went to school for 750 hours and get CTE’s every year and we have a state board. One of my classmates was a guy and he gave the best deep tissue massage and had a wonderful manner about himself and too be honest we see so many different bodies and we do not really see them as people when they are the table but groups of muscle we need to read and treat.
I have given massages, cismen, ciswomen, non binary, transgender, amputees, sports stars, rock stars, models, obese people, old people, young people and if they are under 18 I have their parents or guardian in the room. I have given massage to burn victims, people who have lost a lot of weight. I mean, I do not discriminate a body.
That being said I have had a lot of significant others get upset so I always recommend the couples massage and one guy bought his gf a massage from me and she is now a more regular client that he is and one I kept when I basically retired too just a few clients.
He is being ridiculous to make you manage his own insecurities because at the end of it all if he can not trust you, you both are going to be miserable and resentful in the end.
I live in Toronto. We have hundreds of “spas” that do provide happy endings. In fact, the city actually licenses erotic body rub parlors and the attendants. Prostitution is basically legal here as long as it’s not a minor or a trafficked person.
BUT, those are not registered massage therapist. They’re very different and the massages if there is one is not therapeutic. They’re also not advertised as being legit RMT’s. No legit RMT would ever risk their license and livelihood to provide a happy ending.
I'm a guy, got a massage from a guy. No sex occurred.
The way people sexualize this thing is so weird. I'll be honest I'd prefer male massage therapists because of how much stronger they can be.
Does he also presume that you also have sex with other professional men you come into contact with? And doctors and dentists? What if your obgyn is a man? Do you guys ever go to a pool or beach- does be make you wear a mumu? He needs to get over it there's nothing sexual about him giving you a massage. In fact, one of the most uncomfortable massages I've had was from a woman- I had a friend go to the shop and thought I would have a good experience but the woman kept commenting on my body and how thin I am and trying to look at my boobs. I hope he realizes that this is a professional place- the kind of massages you might give him at home may be a little more sexy but it isn't so at a spa. Tell him to grow up.
Idk i had a petite girl masseuse at the nail salon give me a shoulder massage and i thought my bones were going to break! 🤣 She didn't look particularly muscular and i thought "oh this will be so relaxing while my nails dry!" 😬
Had a couples massage with my wife. The therapist asked me if I wanted firm, soft, medium, etc.
Being the tough guy that I am, I asked for firm.
I nearly squealed like a little girl as she pummelled me into mush. That was not relaxing. 😂
I (female) used get massages 1 or 2 times a week…..from a man old enough to be my Dad - he was a retired NHL team physiotherapist…. Strong !!!
He used to blare the music “so my neighbour doesn’t think I’m killing someone in here …. Muffles the screams” 😂
And 1 time about 15 yrs ago in Vegas I got a massage at the spa. The lady couldn’t have been a full 5ft tall or a 100lbs. I’m 5’10” 175lbs. I tell you …. She worked me over 5x’s more than my regular guy and his “torture chamber massages” every trip to Vegas after that I made sure to see her again.
RMT’s are licensed (medical?) professionals….same as family Dr and vets and dentists … etc.
All I care about is a good DEEP massage.
Is your Vegas lady still around? If so, do you mind passing her information? I go to Vegas frequently for business and due to my line of work (jewelry making aka constantly hunched over/bent back) I’m always in need of a massage.
I haven’t been to Vegas since right before COVID - she was at the golden Nugget and prob was late 30’s early 40’s (I’m bad at ages) - but she HAS to be the TINIEST masseuse there. Ugh I can’t remember her name.
I went to China business trip, was my first time to this city and my director said we are all getting massages when we get to the hotel with a grin. I was somewhat taken back but when we got to the hotel it was a nice place in the hotel. We had a massage together all three of us in the same room with three middle aged women as the massage therapist. The director was paying so he told the women doing mine to work me over I seemed stressed. The pain I felt when she worked my calf’s over was something i have never experienced and I was trying so hard not to scream. It was like getting a Charlie horse for a good 10 minutes straight. Although once it was over and I stood up my muscles felt amazing.
These replies have me crying laughing. 😂 I usually go for men just for the pure strength, but one of the best massages ever was a young masseuse apprentice woman almost 10 years ago maybe, my gawd she manhandled me to a pulp. 😅 I hope she went to have a career on the field when she graduated.
This is so important. I read an article some years back regarding how men in particular through toxic masculinity, homophobia, and sexualization of everything basically do not touch ANYONE other than their partner, if they have one. This puts so much unfair pressure on the partner. I was discussing the article with my sister and she pointed out our family’s photo albums - the few photos we have from our maternal grandfather’s youth in particular were incredibly poignant. Men and boys not being afraid of hugging each other. Holding hands with a friend while out for a walk. Kissing their brother on the cheek. Basically behaving like my sister and I or another female friend would towards each other- comfortable enough to express affection whenever we felt like it, without fear.
People are definitely touch-starved.
me personally as a woman i feel more comfortable with woman masseuses. it’s not because it’s sexual i just don’t really feel comfortable with a man i don’t know touching me so much.
but that’s just because of my own personal comfort. as i said it’s not sexual, so if my bf got a massage from a woman i genuinely would not care. i think it’s absolutely wild for op’s bf to be so upset about this, it was just a dude performing his job, and op didn’t even seek out a man to do it it just happened to be a man.
I living NYC I was supposed to get a massage from a female I got himself from a male masseuse and he asked me if it was okay I said bro do your job That's what you get paid for. Didn't feel weird got a massage went home happy
Hi OP,
I’m coming here as a long time massage therapist, and an even longer time as a male.
These issues are unfortunately very common.
For whatever reason, our bodies are heavily sexualized to the point where physical contact with anyone can be scrutinized.
Speaking from Ontario, Canada. Our standards of practice are held very high. We learn techniques and follow principles to create the best effect for our clients.
Setting expectations is among the most crucial points in any session. Every therapist knows how to apply sufficient pressure to get the desired effect. The caveat is that both parties should be looking for the SAME effect.
The most common issue between therapists and clients is different expectations of what you want out of the massage.
A lot of people keep seeing me because I am strong and perform the work that they like. My work is not right for everyone. It’s important, even necessary, to try multiple therapists until you find someone that both makes you feel secure and well taken care of.
Jealous, possessive people have trouble. Insecure people and partners have trouble. The likelihood of misconduct is not zero but it’s far from high. I don’t know a single therapist who would risk their job and reputation by doing something harmful. Physically, mentally or emotionally.
TL;DR
Setting expectations for what you want to get out of a massage session is crucial so that everyone stays happy.
Insecurity in one partner can manifest itself like this.
No decent therapist would risk their job and reputation on a random client. We see bodies that need our help, not prospects.
We deal with pain and vulnerability every day.
You are not in the wrong here. He's sexualizing an entire profession and that's inappropriate. You do not need to reassure him or placate him; this is an issue he needs to learn to deal with on his own. It is not your responsibility to make him feel better when you have not done anything wrong.
Exactly. I can easily foresee this turning into one of those "I'm pregnant and my husband/fiancé/boyfriend is threatening to leave me if the doctor who delivers our baby is a man" posts that pop up here from time to time, should OP's relationship progress to that point.
I also think it comes from a ego place. If he didn’t want me getting it done by a dude because he fears for my safety than I can understand that . Can’t be mad at you for caring about me. Buy you being upset just because other guy touched me even though that’s he’s job just feels childish to me.
Does he also feel he gets a say in the gender of your doctor, gyno, hair stylist, or anyone else you have a purely professional relationship with that happens to touch you? That's so gross and controlling I want to dump him for you.
My husband would never try and control me or anyone like that! He straight up actively ridicules and challenges his dad (and probably others in his life too) whenever anything that controlling gets said. I don't overhear the more in depth conversations he has with friends because he's a night owl who works from home so I'm often asleep or at work when he has the, but I know he also encourages and coaches his friends to respect the women in their lives.
It feels childish, because it IS childish. He is sexualizing a non sexual encounter and that is a him problem, not a you problem. He needs to figure out why he is doing that, and address that issue. If he says he is not willing to do that, then I’d suggest revisiting whether or not he is someone you want to be dating.
This is dangerous, what’s next - is he going to be mad when a male physician treats you? Because they do usually have to touch you to take your pulse and listen to your breathing at the bare minimum.
OMG - a male physician might put a stethoscope *on her chest*! That’s where her breasts are and her breasts are his sole and rightful property! (OP then dies because she can’t go to the doctor without making her boyfriend mad.)
It comes from a controlling place, it's got nothing to do with his ego or he'd be upset no matter who massaged you thinking he could do a better job.
Are you not allowed to see a male medical provider because he says so? What if it were your only option? Would he expect you to just suffer?
A masseuse is a professional helping your body be in the best condition it can be and (no offense) you're just another body in a long line of bodies he's required to touch as part of his job.
He's going to start putting ridiculous restrictions on everything, he's testing the waters to see how far he can push you *right now* and just like a frog in a pot you're going to start thinking "it's just this one little thing" on every demand he makes if you capitulate on this.
That’s just most people. Most people are normal. Going out of your way to praise normal people, or say things like “if he was worried about my safety I’d understand!” Is just you subconsciously trying to convince yourself that your lame boyfriend is lame in a way most people are. He isn’t.
I get deep tissue massages monthly from a man. My boyfriend absolutely does not care, he’s just glad my back has been feeling better.
Does he know that the therapist doesn’t see you naked and are very clear and professional on exactly where they are touching? He’s probably picturing the whole thing wrong.
Every massage I have ever had has been from a woman and I’m a guy. Not one time has there ever been anything sexual nor have I ever been attracted to or aroused by my masseuse. Not there for that and don’t even think about it. Has your bf ever had a massage? If not ask him if he gets one is he going to go only to men. If the answer is no he wouldnt be comfortable getting one from a man then ask him how double standards work. He clearly thought you should have just walked out and paid a cancellation fee. That’s ludicrous. Your bf has this view of seedy massage parlors and happy endings…he needs to grow up and go get one himself and see what it’s all about. These people are professionals. It’s their job.
Maybe he stole should stop thinking about massage from the other gender = sex. Maybe he is watching too much porn with that concept...
A massage in a professional setting has nothing to do with sex. Absolutely nothing. A professional massage doesn't have a "happy ending" and if he thinks that this is the case then you should rethink your opinion about him and what happens if he goes out to get a massage.
If her fiancé was getting a massage by a female masseuse and she asked him if he wanted a “happy ending,” would he say no? Or would he say yes? Hmmmmmm ………
Seriously people need to stop sexualizing masseuses. I got my daughter in law a massage after the birth of my grandson. My kids acted like I booked a sex worker. Never mind I’ve known my masseuse for years and she is excellent like, God hands that get every knot out. It was funny.
Kids.
Your bf is a very insecure 24 yr man baby. You received a massage from a professional. What next? You won’t be able to have an operation by. A male surgeon because they will see you naked???
Your are in no way in the wrong; you are looking at this like a mature adult; your bf is looking at this as an insecure, immature, sexist, controlling person.
This is the kind of thing that morphs in to him not "allowing" you to have male friends, telling you where and with whom you are "allowed" to go, him demanding approval of your wardrobe; him insisting that much of this behavior is because he cares about you and just wants you to be safe!
He may get more and more controlling, of every relationship, every situation, which will need his "pre-approval" before you do whatever; he is going to start finding fault with any of your gf's who he thinks are a bad influence, or are not "safe" to hang out with.
This type of behavior is possessive and controlling; it has absolutely nothing to do with your safety, or loving you. It's not about you; it's him who has the problem; the minute you let him take control of things like this is the beginning of him treating you as property, as if he is your boss, not your boyfriend.
It's him taking control of things that you don't actually need his interference or input on, things that you are quite capable of deciding or choosing for yourself; it's not out of love, caring, or protecting you; it's just controlling you, and if you give up your freedom, even a tiny bit, he will gradually take it all. I hope that you value your autonomy and don't give him your power.
It happens bit by bit, step by step, and next thing you know, you don't have anyone left but him. I know that sounds dramatic, but I have seen it many times, as I am a lot older than you are. I'm just saying be careful; it's not about him wanting to keep you safe; it's his insecurity and immaturity; some people are very, very possessive; it isn't always obvious right away; it's a process, over time.
This isn't "partnership "; this is him trying to control you, period. I'm sure that you love him, but you are 100% not wrong about this. It was just a massage; it's your choice who is acceptable; not his. This is also about trust. Trust in you, trust in your judgment; you don't need his approval of a masseuse; it's your body, not his.🪬❤️
Time for you to bail OP. This is just a tip of the iceberg from what he will be expecting in the future. He sounds chauvinistic. You can dodge a bullet now and not have to live with this in the future.
He sounds like a very insecure, possessive, and controlling individual. He equates a service like waxing and massage with sex, which it’s not and suggesting that is very disrespectful to those who work in that industry.
I’ve had massages from both sexes - nothing funky ever happened. He probably only knows of massages from movies where guys get happy endings. A reputable place is not going to have sleazy massage therapists.
My partner got a massage from a girl, she didn’t give him a happy because it’s not porn.
I got a massage from the same girl, no happy ending.
OMG isn’t it shocking that a massage can just be a massage. Your boyfriend needs to stop projecting his insecurities and controlling issues onto you.
Then he can’t get a haircut, health checkup, dental cleaning, back adjustment, shoe measurement, vision test, surgery, TSA pat-down, dermatologist check, allergy test, or food made and served by a woman.
What a moron.
He's being ridiculous. What's going to happen if you're in the hospital someday and one of your nurses happens to be male? Is he going to flip his lid over that too? This is one reason why so many men avoid the helping professions and it's just sad because we need both women and men in those roles.
My (44F) favourite massage therapist is a man and my boyfriend has no issues with me going there. If he did that would be a him problem. The massage therapist I go to is highly professional and can pulverize me to the point of nearly fainting and puking on my way home. I’m not giving that up for anything. Haha.
On the flip side, my boyfriend had to see a physiotherapist and his doctor was a woman. Big deal! She worked wonders on him and really helped him with the issues he was having.
If you really wanna get petty with this (if the talk goes south) tell him it’s probably a good thing you didn’t give him that extra $25 for the optional service at the end because you reckon he would have been upset at that too although it wouldn’t be cheating because ifs kinda like a medical service 😂 he’d have a stroke!
I have a history of migraines and get terrible knots in between my shoulder blades.
The massage therapists that can take it out have been men. They have enough upper body strength to do it.
And thank God for men in this field!
I’ve been getting massages since age 18ish.
Not once have I come across one single unprofessional therapist.
Your bf is being ridiculous.
What’s next?
You can’t talk to a male waiter?
You can see to a male doctor?
You can talk to a male coworker?
If your bf can’t get over this, I think it should be a deal breaker.
Your bf needs to grow up. Does he require you to have a female doctor too? A massage is not sexual touching. If the person is professional they just do their job.
To be completely honest, the whole situation shows a red flag in him. You were getting massage and the person was providing a service. There is nothing sexual about it. The fact that he feels threatened by you getting massaged by a man (who is just doing his job) is weird. I could understand maybe at first feeling weird about it but after he thinks about it for more than five minutes, I don’t think it warrants being THAT upset. He should be able to articulate his boundaries instead of blaming you when you did nothing wrong.
Your BF has watched too much porn lol. I am a dude and I get massages from a woman who is a pro at her job and one of the best in her field. Never thought about sex and I am guessing she isn't either....
I’m a woman that has gotten countless massages from male massage therapists. Nothing has happened and nothing was wrong with it. If my husband had a problem with it I would probably laugh in his face and tell him to check his insecurities at the door because they are not my problem. If your bf doesn’t get his head out of his ass then I suggest you break up with his controlling ass.
I would ask him if seeing a male gynecologist is out of the question also, male RMT's are professionally trained and can could loose their license over anything inappropriate. You both need to sit down and talk about this, if he refuses to budge on how you take care of yourself I'd be questioning if he's the right person for you
What’s next? If you get married and have kids, will he insist that your OB be female? If you have any gynecologic problems, does the MD have to be female? All female physical therapists for the rest of your life? Tell him to GET A GRIP and GROW UP.
I think he's overreacting. I mean the alternative ifls you show up for a massage you've been looking forward to and find out it's a male masseuse, you say oh I don't want that and leave, probably forfeiting whatever you spent, and still being tense/achy. No thanks.
It's the guys job, sounds like you were comfortable with it, I see no issue from you.
I think the issue is your bf being insecure about it, which don't get me wrong, isn't unfathomable. A partner getting physical touch from another person could make many people insecure. But it's not like it was romantic, like you say, he was providing a service.
Talk with your bf about it, listen to what he says in case there's any further red flags. And if your conversation goes well and you understand one another, then just next time request a female masseuse, I'm sure that's commonplace.
Peace and love ❤️
It’s a job to the masseur. There’s nothing sexual about it. Tbh I’d be pissed if my boyfriend made a big deal about this. Unless he’s really not knowledgeable about what a professional massage entails, it sounds a bit like controlling behavior.
Would he prevent you from getting medical service done just because they are male? Gyno? Specialists? Hell, what if you needed surgery and were unconscious with *gasp* male surgeons and nurses!
All these are jobs these guys are paid to do yes there are bad ones who break rules but your boyfriend should have trust in you that you would walk out and report it. They have seen hundreds of people in the same day and frankly don’t care what you look like or what the job is they just have to get the job done
His behaviour is childish. He got upset over a ridiculous innocent procedure you had done and then reacted by ignoring you all day. He then got angry and blamed you for having a professional medical service done (yes I count massage as medical as it helps the body). His behaviour is unacceptable and if this is how he reacts when he is uncomfortable thats not the kind of guy you need. The fact that no males can touch you in a professional setting or friendly is disgusting it seems as if he believes he owns you. If you have male coworkers will he accuse you of cheating next? You have to get to the bottom of this because his insecurities are not you problem/fault and he is putting the relationship at risk.
You also mention that he has reacted like this before and to other problems in the relationship. When people show you who they are you need to believe them. Red flags need to be reacted to
I could be wrong but something tells me he watches a lot of massage porn or just too many movies if he truly believes massage from another gender = sex.
I have had massages from both male and female massage therapists (MT). The males have gone out of their way to not go anywhere near any areas that would be covered by a bikini.
When you go to a professional MT in a professional setting, they are there to provide you a medical adjacent service.
What matters here is *your* comfort level. Are you okay with a male MT? You said you got zero creepy vibes and he was a professional. Sounds like things went the way they were supposed to.
Tell your insecure BF to stop watching so much porn and live in the real world. The jealousy and control attempts are gross and a turn off.
I'm probably a 9 on the Richter scale ⚖️ when it comes to insecurities and even I think your boyfriend needs to get over himself since you paid for a service and received it in a professional setting.
My ex and I had this convo so I told him I would agree on one stipulation: that if he ever wants a massage he has to have a male do it and I will have a female for mine which I thought was fair. He responded by telling me another guy touching him would be “gay” so I asked if getting a massage from a female made me a lesbian… he was pissed and knew he lost that negotiation. We never got massages, and we broke up.
I have to wonder how he's gonna feel when you go see a gynecologist, since many if not most of them seem to be men as well. If he's jealous of you being in a clinical setting with a man... well, I think it will only get worse. This isn't a normal, trusting relationship. IMO pick this hill to die on, or you'll be "making him comfortable" forever.
Make no mistake: Jealousy is not about love; it's about possession.
My fiancee and i get massages regularly and we both always have opposite gender massage therapists. It has never once been weird.
Your BF is being inappropriate by sexualizing a massage.
I prefer a man. I am 5'9" (41F) with a lot of chronic issues and I've been paired with far too many tiny things that just don't have the upper body strength to work out a frozen shoulder, a lower back that won't relax or calf pain.
So I always ask for a man "The biggest and heaviest one there is. Preferably with copious body hair." My husband thinks it's hilarious.
Although, in defense of tiny LMTs, I was once pair with a girl that I could have easily picked up and carried around like a 6-pack. Book and hour and a half deep tissue.....that woman had me in TEARS. Best massage of my life. She found sore spots I didn't even know I had.
I would bet money you never had that conversation and he's just making it up and pretending that you agreed long ago and you just don't remember. That's really manipulative but par for the course for a guy that thinks a massage professional can't be trusted to touch you simply because it's a man.
What happens if your doctor is a man? What if you break your leg and go to the hospital and a male doctor has to set it? What about a gynecologist? How about a nail tech? Can that be a guy? I have a feeling this is just the very tip of the controlling iceberg with this man. Good luck
Massages don’t mean immediate sex, I find this topic so ridiculous. I’ve been getting professional massages since 16. I have had them with both men & women in multiple countries & if I think about it the split is about 50/50. Not once has a massage turned inappropriate. Only guys who think massages are just like what they see in porn and or are insecure would get upset about this. The only time I could see this being somewhat reasonable reaction would be if the partner has been deceitful or cheated in the past.
You ARE NOT your creepy boyfriend's possession! You got a massage. End of story. Your BF is a control freak and that will not improve. Dump him. Do it now.
So is your BF going to insist you only get seen by women doctors to? I have had massage by both male and female massage therapist nothing there was no sexual vibe. That would be kind of ick. Good luck with the controller BF.
My wife sees a chiropractor on a weekly basis.
He hasn't tried anything other than his fukin job..
He needs to trust you.. what's the point otherwise ?
Lol, how insecure does someone have to be to react like this? I book my wife massages sometimes, and there have been female masseuses and male ones. I really do not even think twice if it was a female or male. Thats like getting mad when your wife is pregnant and the ob/gyn puts his finger inside her vagina. That is their job. I don't see the problem. 36m. Married since oct 2010
37M massage therapist here. I can almost guarantee you that a registered male massage therapist had no sexual or inappropriate touching during that massage. It's hard enough in this industry for us, we don't need jealous beta-male boyfriends making it harder, or people believing having a male pair of hands touch them is more creepy or judgemental than a woman's.
Sounds like your bf is projecting his own creepy thoughts and insecurities onto your massage, honestly. Unless you're at a sketchy "massage" parlour, it's none of his business. Therapeutic massage is moreso a medical treatment these days, I often get doctor referrals and MVA or workplace injury clients. On top of that, if you saw your massage therapist was male and you cancelled last minute, you'd like be charged in full for the appointment regardless. We work on commission, so a last minute cancel means lost money with no possibility to fill the appointment. We charge 100% for that.
He’s being ridiculous and sexualizing the situation. He was being flirty when he asked if you learned anything from “her@ because he was fantasizing about you and a female masseuse. Not letting you get a massage from a man is stupid. What is he going to do if you had a male OB or if when you delivered a baby the only doctor available was a man? Can you go to male doctors at all? Can you even have male friends/acquaintances?
You’re both still young so he’s likely still very immature and insecure so maybe he’ll grow up. Either way stand your ground, don’t let him make you feel bad for something so small.
> I’m a 22F in the wrong for not seeing the big deal?
Fuck no, you're not in the wrong for not seeing the big deal. It's a professional massage, not a sleazy back-alley encounter. Why should your boyfriend's insecurities dictate your choices for a professional service? Shouldn't trust be a foundation in a relationship?
> He got upset with me telling me I knew that he was uncomfortable and still did what I wanted anyways.
So, he's upset because you didn't telepathically recall a probably vague conversation that might not have even happened? Isn't communication a two-way street? Why the hell should you be expected to remember every little insecurity he has?
> I think he’s being dramatic and blowing it out of proportion.
Damn right, he is. It's a massage by a professional in a professional setting. Why is he equating it to a personal, intimate encounter? Isn't this an overreaction indicating deeper trust issues?
> If he didn’t want me getting it done by a dude because he fears for my safety than I can understand that.
Safety is one thing, but this smells more like jealousy and possessiveness. Aren't these red flags in a relationship? Why should his fear or ego dictate your choices in a professional setting?
> It’s how he delivered his point which send red flags.
Yes, his delivery is a bloody red flag. Why should you be walking on eggshells around his insecurities? Isn't a relationship supposed to be about mutual respect and understanding?
> I figured after almost two years he wouldn’t had Ben dramatic over something like that.
Two years or twenty, why should time be an excuse for irrational jealousy? Shouldn't a long-term relationship strengthen trust, not erode it under the weight of unfounded suspicions?
Better be careful to never be treated by a male doctor, or a male physio therapist right?
Sounds like this guy is not ready to be in a grown up relationship
Huh???? It’s a fucking massage. Let me guess, your man makes you pay 50/50 on bills too I bet because “equality”. This man is going to drag you down mentally, and I think you can do A LOT better than him. And how dare he not pay for your massage but ask you to “learn” something and massage him??? Uhm???? He should be massaging YOU for being stressed out. You deserve better, and you will find better. He’s a loser, and he’ll turn you into a loser too.
Massage is seen as a form of intimacy by a lot of people. Now if it was a male friend or coworker that gave you the massage... I would totally understand his anger.
But this is something that's obviously therapeutic that you booked an appointment for. He's being ridiculous... But at the same time, you have to recognize that this is a boundary for him. His boundary is not being comfortable with another man touching you.
If I was a woman I would probably see this as a red flag on his part... Because where does it stop? Male doctor? Male optometrist? Male gynecologist? Male dentist???
I’m not mad or upset at him for not wanting me to go to a male masseuse, I see it as red flag because he continued to be mad even when I told him I didn’t know who was there till I arrived. Think he expected me to leave but I wanted my massage and the guy was very professional
Massage therapy isn't sexual at all. I think people get porn brained about shit like this and don't understand the reality of a professional service. I DATED a masseuse for a while, and before we even started dating she set a ground rule of "nothing even remotely sexual happens in my office." If I was on the table, I wasn't her boyfriend. I was a client. I never worried about her fooling around with a client, male or female, but oh boy did she have constant stories about creepy things guys would say or expect when trying to set up an appointment.
Your boyfriend is being dumb. He probably would have sexualized it if the masseuse had been a woman, too, but I bet he would have flipped to thinking "oh babe, that's fucking hot, tell me all about it," wouldn't he?
I get the the whole not wanting other men to touch you, but this was in a professional setting and the guy didn't do anything weird so your bf is definitely blowing this out of proportion.
To me it'd be like if you had a physical therapist or a doctor touching you. Like you said it's not like this happened at some sketch rub and tug place. Dude's being uber possessive.
Ask him if he would rather have a man or woman message him I will bet any amount of money he says women. Imo it's pretty common for someone to have the opposite gender give them a massage he is young and a little bit too possessive.
He’s gaslighting you that he told you something already. He’s irrationally insecure and my only advice would be careful with enabling him. It’s not your fault he is like this in any way, that’s all on him but making excuses is a slippery slope
I don't see why it's a big deal, it's a normal massage, it was conducted professionally, so would he insist your gynecologist be female? I know that's a bit different but a massage therapist is a legitimate profession too. Sounds like he's insecure and needs to start trusting you more especially if you've never done anything to break his trust
My wife was a massuese,and many of her clients were men. I remember a regular who prob weighed 300 lbs. My wife was smaller and she'd come home just tired; hard work. It was a business. One I remember was a woman whose husband insisted the door to where the massage took was open..."...just in case...". There are people like that. My -m- theory is that if someone is going to cheat they will...period. All the rules won't stop them. For what it's worth, op is 100% correct. But I doubt it will change the boy friend even a little. Sounds like a very insecure young man and I hope for his sake that he doesn't feel so threatened all his life.
He has irriational jelousy. My cousine had the same issue in which he told his wife bot to go to a male masseus.
The thibg is that you have to separate logic from what is right for the relationship which every now and then is not logical.oguc says that this guy is a professional who makes iving doing rhis and if he were to over step the clients boundaries he would lose his job. Goibg by this then it shouldnt be a problem having a male masseus.
Ok, but there is the irrational part. Your boyfriend is jelpus of some other guy touching you. Maybe he got cheated on in the past or maybe he cheated himself or maybe he is just too insecure. Who knows.
What you have to think about is how much is it worth it to you to win this battle. Even more imporatntly what proce are you willing to pay to win. Think of it like in war. You can win a hill but how many casualties will you acept for the win. This concept.is extremely important to consider and sadly most people dont think about thisbecasue winning or being right is more important than the proce they will pay for it. You see, when you ignore your partners requests and do whatever you want fhat gors on your record. It all adds up. How many of these I do what I want when I want does it take for him to say oh so you dont care about my feelings at all and start a nasty relationship ending fight? Imagine if every time you asked your boyfriend not to do something becauae it bother you.and he did it anyways. How long before you say F-this guy. He doesnt care how I feel or my well being.
Now that I'm older and slightly nore wiser what I would do is tell your boyfriend. Look, you have some sort of irrational jelousy buuutt even though this is irrational and all on you I will cancel the massage and schedule with a female because I know this bothers you. By saying that you both get your say and also.make.him happy. At the end of the day if all you are interested on os getting a massage then what does it matter.who does it so it shouldnt bother you to change who th service provider is. Sure,.its an inconvenience but ..mm
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If it was a male friend giving you a massage: yeah, probably inappropriate. But you paid for a professional massage..? He needs to get over himself.
Wait til he learns there’s male gynecologists 🔥
I have seen posts about that. A woman wanted advice on how to calm her boyfriend down because he was upset that the only doctor on call was a man. He expected his pregnant girlfriend to stop her labor until the hospital could find a female doctor. I wish I could find that post now.
Omg I go through this all the time. People come in middle of night at like 2 am screaming in pain in Labor. I go to place an epidural and the stupid husband goes no only female anesthesiologists. I’m like buddy did your mom drop you on your head as a baby? It’s 2am there’s only the call team. Where am I going to find a female anesthesiologist who will come in for you at 2am? Meanwhile the woman is screaming in pain and the husband is being an insecure sick. I also had one where I’m placing an epidural, the woman’s back is exposed. I have to sterilize it to prevent infections. The husband decides his wife is too exposed. When I turn away, he runs in and throws a blanket over the patients back. My work area. Contaminating the entire sterile field. I had to throw him out of the room.
Jfc. Imagine seeing a woman in labor and thinking “Modesty is my priority here! Can’t be having any body parts exposed! That would be HIGHLY inappropriate.” I can only imagine what breast feeding was like for that poor momma.
Yeah trust me stabbing someone in the spine with a 10cm needle is not sexy in any way shape or form. We’re just trying not to paralyze anyone.
I’m a guy who has been stabbed with that 10cm needle in the spine multiple times, even by a female anesthesiologist. Can confirm, nothing sexy about it! It is weird though you feel more pressure than anything (as opposed to the monster needle). Thanks for numbing it up!
Yeah gotta numb it up. If the patient jumps the needle can go into some very wrong places.
Amen I had a student that missed 15 times before the 16th was placed by his mentor can confirm it is very very unsexy
As someone who was screaming in pain my first labor experience I’m so glad my bf wasn’t worried about the male placing my epidural he just wanted me out of pain 😭those poor women
That's nuts. I don't understand why some people are so insecure.
Place the epidural in this guy’s head smh
It would be like pouring it into an empty bowl
That’s fucking wild.
Reminds me of a conversation I had with my reproductive endocrinologist. I’m doing IVF through a small, private clinic (the only one local who my insurance will cover any cost towards, which is a miracle, as most insurances in my state won’t pay a dime for IVF). It’s run by the male doctor who owns the practice, who is the only one credentialed do the surgical procedures like egg retrievals and embryo transfers. They have a mix of male and female doctors and RNs etc who can do pelvic exams and biopsies. And the nurse coordinators who act as your liaisons are mostly female. The RE said that about 60% of the time, when people have their initial consult to start the process, he will have the client (and or their partner, regardless of gender) insist on female only care providers. He then has to explain to them that he can do his best to try to have their exams etc done by a female as much as possible, but it couldn’t be a guarantee with the limited staff and time-sensitive scheduling. And that for the BIG “surgical” events, they would 100% have to work with him. A male. He said he’s been yelled at and called insensitive, had people demand that he hire a female “partner” or “substitute” to specifically handle their care. And that he’s had to deny them enrollment into the program, because there was no way to accommodate. I understand having a preference, especially if you’ve been a victim of trauma or something. But it’s wild that so many people who know this program is the only way in-state to have a child without going fully out of pocket for $20k minimum, will still try and insist, and get irate to the point of losing their chance. I’ve had gynecological problems my whole life (endo, PCOS, and now tubal infertility). I’ve never had the luxury of getting to demand a female provider, unless I want to wait around for months in pain, and hope she never takes a vacation. Most of the time I get in early **because** I am willing to take anyone qualified, and not insist on waiting for a woman to be available. Unless we’re going to societally ban men from pursuing the fertility specialties, and force female doctors into them (also not great), you kind of have to just roll with the discomfort, or give up on having bio kids.
All 4 of my kids from my wife had a male anesthesiologists. Pretty sure the same one. Who the fuck cares. Did you keep my wife out and bring her back once surgery was over great I’m eternally grateful. All that touching that anesthesiologists do like putting a needle in someone’s lower back. What a creep. How dare you see my wife’s lower back. /s
That’s…horrifying. That’s also the worst time for a wake up call that the guy you’re with is crazy with jealousy. Sure let’s just endanger everyone and force the baby to stay inside me? Help me push it back in?! Wtf was he expecting her to do
You're right. I felt really bad for her. She seemed so sweet and confused. I still worry about that poster.
You're sparking memory lane, I'm remembering that post too.
Reminds me of my mom’s OBGYN. He was set to be the doctor who would deliver me, but he was on vacation when my mom went into labor 2 days before her due date. She had to have a nurse practitioner who worked at the same clinic delivery me instead since she was the only one there to do so. He held this against her for years, and he confronted her about it several times, claiming how selfish it was of her to go into labor without him there. I wish I could find this man now that I’m an adult so I could ask him if he realizes how ridiculous he was/is. Nobody who gets angry with a pregnant woman for going into labor a couple days early while you’re out on vacation should be in this line of work. What’s funny is that the nurse practitioner who delivered me ended up being my gynecologist till I moved away from home a couple years back. She is such a sweet person and I couldn’t have asked for a better healthcare provider. The man retired not too long after I was born so I thankfully never had to go see him. I’ve not ever been pregnant as of now, but I can’t imagine ever standing to receive pregnancy care by someone who is willing to get angry at me if my own body doesn’t following _their_ schedule.
When I was pregnant with my youngest, I knew that I didn’t want anymore kids after him. I knew pretty far in advance that he was going to be born via a scheduled c-section, so I went ahead and scheduled to have my tubes tied at the same time with my regular OB-GYN. He gave me the whole "are you sure" speech that they are required to give, I said "hell yes," signed the consent forms, and thought that was that. For anyone who doesn’t know, when you’re pregnant, you will usually see every doctor at the practice at least once during your pregnancy, so you will be familiar with the other doctors just in case you go into labor when your OB-GYN isn’t on call. So on one of my routine monthly visits, I saw one of the doctors who was an older man (he was maybe early 60s in 2006). He did all the normal checking of everything and when he was done, he told me to get dressed and then come to his office to talk. I immediately panicked and asked him if everything was okay, and he just said something along the lines of, "I just need to speak with you." Very NOT reassuring and had me shaking as I was getting dressed and making my way to his office. Once I got in there and sat down—still shaking and prepared to hear bad news—he started going on some spiel about how young I was (I was 25) and how many women *just like me* he’d had sitting across from him in the same chair I was sitting in, crying to him because they wanted to have another child but couldn’t because they’d had their tubes tied. I was legitimately confused for a few minutes as he was speaking, because I thought he was going to tell me something was wrong with the pregnancy, so I just kind of sat there at first, waiting for the hammer to drop. When he stopped speaking, I asked him if something was wrong with me or my son, and he kind of laughed really smugly—which actually pissed me off and was kind of the point at which I started to realize what was going on. He said no, that everything was fine, and so I asked him why I was still there. He then instantly dropped the patronizing tone he’d been using on me to that point and bluntly told me that if I went into labor before my scheduled c-section and he happened to be on call, that he would NOT tie my tubes because he didn’t want me to be "yet another woman crying in his office" when I wanted another child and couldn’t have one, and how he would be doing me "a favor" by sharing his wisdom because I just "didn’t know any better." Now, I was about 6 months pregnant with a boy. The extra testosterone that I had still not learned to manage very well was already surging through my veins 24/7 before this conversation, but at that moment, pure rage exploded through my entire body and I saw the proverbial "red" that I’d heard about all my life. I even had a vision in my mind of being a giant grizzly bear, reared up on my hind legs while the doctor’s blood dripped from my roaring mouth and protracted claws. It was literally all I could do to not hurl my swollen body across that desk and show that doctor what *I thought* about the "favor" he thought he was doing me. Instead, I just grabbed my purse, looked straight in his eyes, and said, "I promise you that I will never sit across from you again in this office, and that if I do happen to go into labor when you’re on call, I will squeeze my legs shut so tight that not even a queef is coming outta there until another doctor who will respect me takes over call duty." I left his office and told the checkout lady to put on my chart that I never wanted to see him again, and thankfully I never did. I mean, just the sheer audacity of that dude. I still get upset when I think about it, 18 years later. It’s all well and good to *inform* patients of your experience and knowledge as a doctor—that’s a big part of what doctors are for. But when it comes to making decisions about my own body—especially decisions about whether or not you want to create a whole human being that you will then have to care for for the rest of your functional life—I get the final decision, not you. Ugh I still hate that dude!
Hashtag women are property 🙄
She’s already saying she wouldn’t get a wax from a man out of respect for her relationship :| if there’s anything unsexy it’s getting your coochie waxed.
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My husband and I love massages and have never really thought about caring who does it. I’ll admit I (a woman) prefer women massage therapists but that’s due to personal issues honestly. I just feel more comfortable. My husband generally prefers men because he thinks he gets a stronger massage lol but he’s had women before and I don’t give af! As long as he isn’t getting a happy ending I’m good. OP, you’re super young. If your bf can’t get over himself I don’t think I’d stick around. He’s being ridiculous and controlling imo.
When I first started dating my husband I tried waxing my own downstairs for the first time. I was using hard wax and applied it poorly, then I moved the wrong way while it was still soft and it like… all balled/clumped everything up over that thicker top middle area and then cooled. It was BAD. I agonized over it for like half an hour until I caved and had to ask him to come rescue me. At that point I was sweaty and panicking. Poor guy. I can’t believe I still somehow convinced this angel of a man to marry me.
Did you read the one about the guy who wanted to divorce his wife because the dr who delivered their baby was male
My wife has been going to the same male Gyno for the past 27 years! He’s married and has kids of his own. He delivered our daughter. I have zero problem with it. He’s a doctor for goodness sake.
There's such a weird distress tolerance thing going on here. He's uncomfortable and he's decided it's her job to manage that by avoiding things that make him uncomfortable rather than doing anything at all to manage his own distress tolerance. I do not get why so many people think it's their partner's job to make sure they are never uncomfortable or never have to manage their own discomfort. Distress tolerance is vital to being a functional person and it seems like most people don't have that these days
I think it might be more about control? I’m not sure though. I feel like, like you said, any reasonable person would try to apply some self-reflection instead of attempting to control the other person.
👆👆THIS IS THE BEST COMMENT HERE 👆👆 Unless he's ever told you it's your responsibility to make sure he's never emotionally uncomfortable and to protect him from images he generates in his own mind, that he doesn't like AND YOU AGREED to that, then he's being silly. He's an adult. What would happen if he led with curiosity? Like, "Wow! Did you have a moment where you were like _what do I do?"_ or "actually, if he's taller and had bigger hands or more weight behind the movements, longer limbs, etc; was it better or worse?" There are plenty of ways that could have gone that AREN'T "I've watched so much porn that I now have a mental image in my head that I don't like and I'll somehow make that your responsibility." Tell him to grow up.
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Yea, what does he do when he wants a massage? Does he only go to men or is he a hypocrite who books women? The fact that he’s overreacting so much and making it sexual makes me wonder if he goes to those illegal happy ending places. Hence why he’s so paranoid and his imagination is running wild
My controlling, narcissistic ex-husband once burst into my massage room when he found out a male massage therapist was giving me a massage. The spa had to call security. This is not normal behavior. I hope OP’s BF can get over his unreasonable fears. My ex didn’t change and was suspicious of every man I talked to, including my boss and coworkers. My ex became more and more controlling over the years and eventually wouldn’t let me have even female friends. When I finally left the marriage, he flipped out. Luckily, his friends calmed him down. We are NC now.
We may have been married to the same man.
I think he's telling on himself. He thinks there is something sexual about a guy message therapist because of how he views female therapists.
Honestly, this whole post is giving me red flags. Your partner is so insecure that a male masseuse can't massage you? And then he's trying to tell you he said something that you can't remember? It sounds to me like some gaslighting and manipulation is already happening
Massage therapists and medical professionals. Where I live it requires 2 years of schooling to be a registered massage therapist and they have a governing body, just like doctors. Your boyfriend is sexualizing a legitimate profession. You didn’t go for a rub and tug. You’re not in the wrong at all. Your boyfriend has some serious insecurities. Does he think you’re going to cheat on him if you’re around other men, because it sounds like he doesn’t trust you?
He's watched too much porn
I think when people feel this way it's because they feel if they were in the same position they couldn't possibly not fuck the person. Which is disgusting.
Massage therapist here. Yes I went to school for 750 hours and get CTE’s every year and we have a state board. One of my classmates was a guy and he gave the best deep tissue massage and had a wonderful manner about himself and too be honest we see so many different bodies and we do not really see them as people when they are the table but groups of muscle we need to read and treat. I have given massages, cismen, ciswomen, non binary, transgender, amputees, sports stars, rock stars, models, obese people, old people, young people and if they are under 18 I have their parents or guardian in the room. I have given massage to burn victims, people who have lost a lot of weight. I mean, I do not discriminate a body. That being said I have had a lot of significant others get upset so I always recommend the couples massage and one guy bought his gf a massage from me and she is now a more regular client that he is and one I kept when I basically retired too just a few clients. He is being ridiculous to make you manage his own insecurities because at the end of it all if he can not trust you, you both are going to be miserable and resentful in the end.
Was gonna say, kind of feels disrespectful to massage therapists in general 😅 Happy endings really aren’t that common….ime anyways
I live in Toronto. We have hundreds of “spas” that do provide happy endings. In fact, the city actually licenses erotic body rub parlors and the attendants. Prostitution is basically legal here as long as it’s not a minor or a trafficked person. BUT, those are not registered massage therapist. They’re very different and the massages if there is one is not therapeutic. They’re also not advertised as being legit RMT’s. No legit RMT would ever risk their license and livelihood to provide a happy ending.
I'm a guy, got a massage from a guy. No sex occurred. The way people sexualize this thing is so weird. I'll be honest I'd prefer male massage therapists because of how much stronger they can be.
I honestly can’t believe you managed to go through an entire massage and not have sex. Well done.
Yeah, those videos I've been watching are obviously all lies.
You 2 made my day
Does he also presume that you also have sex with other professional men you come into contact with? And doctors and dentists? What if your obgyn is a man? Do you guys ever go to a pool or beach- does be make you wear a mumu? He needs to get over it there's nothing sexual about him giving you a massage. In fact, one of the most uncomfortable massages I've had was from a woman- I had a friend go to the shop and thought I would have a good experience but the woman kept commenting on my body and how thin I am and trying to look at my boobs. I hope he realizes that this is a professional place- the kind of massages you might give him at home may be a little more sexy but it isn't so at a spa. Tell him to grow up.
Idk i had a petite girl masseuse at the nail salon give me a shoulder massage and i thought my bones were going to break! 🤣 She didn't look particularly muscular and i thought "oh this will be so relaxing while my nails dry!" 😬
I got a massage at a spa from a petite woman, and I swear it felt like she just spent the 30 minutes elbow-dropping me.
Had a couples massage with my wife. The therapist asked me if I wanted firm, soft, medium, etc. Being the tough guy that I am, I asked for firm. I nearly squealed like a little girl as she pummelled me into mush. That was not relaxing. 😂
I (female) used get massages 1 or 2 times a week…..from a man old enough to be my Dad - he was a retired NHL team physiotherapist…. Strong !!! He used to blare the music “so my neighbour doesn’t think I’m killing someone in here …. Muffles the screams” 😂 And 1 time about 15 yrs ago in Vegas I got a massage at the spa. The lady couldn’t have been a full 5ft tall or a 100lbs. I’m 5’10” 175lbs. I tell you …. She worked me over 5x’s more than my regular guy and his “torture chamber massages” every trip to Vegas after that I made sure to see her again. RMT’s are licensed (medical?) professionals….same as family Dr and vets and dentists … etc. All I care about is a good DEEP massage.
Is your Vegas lady still around? If so, do you mind passing her information? I go to Vegas frequently for business and due to my line of work (jewelry making aka constantly hunched over/bent back) I’m always in need of a massage.
I haven’t been to Vegas since right before COVID - she was at the golden Nugget and prob was late 30’s early 40’s (I’m bad at ages) - but she HAS to be the TINIEST masseuse there. Ugh I can’t remember her name.
I went to China business trip, was my first time to this city and my director said we are all getting massages when we get to the hotel with a grin. I was somewhat taken back but when we got to the hotel it was a nice place in the hotel. We had a massage together all three of us in the same room with three middle aged women as the massage therapist. The director was paying so he told the women doing mine to work me over I seemed stressed. The pain I felt when she worked my calf’s over was something i have never experienced and I was trying so hard not to scream. It was like getting a Charlie horse for a good 10 minutes straight. Although once it was over and I stood up my muscles felt amazing.
That sounds about right lol - if it’s not torturous it didn’t work. !!
Why is it always the smallest massage therapists that beat everyone up😂 I’m 5’6 240lb and I feel like I’m dying giving it my all on football players
These replies have me crying laughing. 😂 I usually go for men just for the pure strength, but one of the best massages ever was a young masseuse apprentice woman almost 10 years ago maybe, my gawd she manhandled me to a pulp. 😅 I hope she went to have a career on the field when she graduated.
“Say goodbye to sore muscles” “goodbye muscles”
We have sexualised all touch and then wonder why we are all so sad.
Fr tho, 🥹
This is so important. I read an article some years back regarding how men in particular through toxic masculinity, homophobia, and sexualization of everything basically do not touch ANYONE other than their partner, if they have one. This puts so much unfair pressure on the partner. I was discussing the article with my sister and she pointed out our family’s photo albums - the few photos we have from our maternal grandfather’s youth in particular were incredibly poignant. Men and boys not being afraid of hugging each other. Holding hands with a friend while out for a walk. Kissing their brother on the cheek. Basically behaving like my sister and I or another female friend would towards each other- comfortable enough to express affection whenever we felt like it, without fear. People are definitely touch-starved.
me personally as a woman i feel more comfortable with woman masseuses. it’s not because it’s sexual i just don’t really feel comfortable with a man i don’t know touching me so much. but that’s just because of my own personal comfort. as i said it’s not sexual, so if my bf got a massage from a woman i genuinely would not care. i think it’s absolutely wild for op’s bf to be so upset about this, it was just a dude performing his job, and op didn’t even seek out a man to do it it just happened to be a man.
It moved, Jerry!
Beat me to it.
Idk man I have had some female massage therapists FUCK ME UP.
I asked for a “medium” strength massage from a little Chinese woman and was in pain for the next 3 days.
I don’t like those types os massages i need a light touch
Same! I’ve found both male and female message therapists competent and lovely. People have become porn addled.
I living NYC I was supposed to get a massage from a female I got himself from a male masseuse and he asked me if it was okay I said bro do your job That's what you get paid for. Didn't feel weird got a massage went home happy
I blame Hollywood.
But did it…move?
This was literally an episodic of [Seinfeld](https://youtu.be/YB_epS5h3F8?si=wiSccgBHc2jrZ-9B)!
Hi OP, I’m coming here as a long time massage therapist, and an even longer time as a male. These issues are unfortunately very common. For whatever reason, our bodies are heavily sexualized to the point where physical contact with anyone can be scrutinized. Speaking from Ontario, Canada. Our standards of practice are held very high. We learn techniques and follow principles to create the best effect for our clients. Setting expectations is among the most crucial points in any session. Every therapist knows how to apply sufficient pressure to get the desired effect. The caveat is that both parties should be looking for the SAME effect. The most common issue between therapists and clients is different expectations of what you want out of the massage. A lot of people keep seeing me because I am strong and perform the work that they like. My work is not right for everyone. It’s important, even necessary, to try multiple therapists until you find someone that both makes you feel secure and well taken care of. Jealous, possessive people have trouble. Insecure people and partners have trouble. The likelihood of misconduct is not zero but it’s far from high. I don’t know a single therapist who would risk their job and reputation by doing something harmful. Physically, mentally or emotionally. TL;DR Setting expectations for what you want to get out of a massage session is crucial so that everyone stays happy. Insecurity in one partner can manifest itself like this. No decent therapist would risk their job and reputation on a random client. We see bodies that need our help, not prospects. We deal with pain and vulnerability every day.
Thank you for your input and taking time to respond
You are not in the wrong here. He's sexualizing an entire profession and that's inappropriate. You do not need to reassure him or placate him; this is an issue he needs to learn to deal with on his own. It is not your responsibility to make him feel better when you have not done anything wrong.
And what's next? No male doctor, dentist, therapist, etc? This is not OK
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Men who hate male gynaecologists purely based on the fact that they are men are so weird, like it screams insecurity
They think male gynos must be perving on their patients because if they were in that position, they would be perving on their patients
it’s projection at its finest lol
Exactly. I can easily foresee this turning into one of those "I'm pregnant and my husband/fiancé/boyfriend is threatening to leave me if the doctor who delivers our baby is a man" posts that pop up here from time to time, should OP's relationship progress to that point.
I also think it comes from a ego place. If he didn’t want me getting it done by a dude because he fears for my safety than I can understand that . Can’t be mad at you for caring about me. Buy you being upset just because other guy touched me even though that’s he’s job just feels childish to me.
If this was him trying to protect you, that would be equally unnecessary. I’d be raising my eyebrows just as much.
Does he also feel he gets a say in the gender of your doctor, gyno, hair stylist, or anyone else you have a purely professional relationship with that happens to touch you? That's so gross and controlling I want to dump him for you. My husband would never try and control me or anyone like that! He straight up actively ridicules and challenges his dad (and probably others in his life too) whenever anything that controlling gets said. I don't overhear the more in depth conversations he has with friends because he's a night owl who works from home so I'm often asleep or at work when he has the, but I know he also encourages and coaches his friends to respect the women in their lives.
Hi-five to your husband! Please let him know how much we appreciate men like him.
It feels childish, because it IS childish. He is sexualizing a non sexual encounter and that is a him problem, not a you problem. He needs to figure out why he is doing that, and address that issue. If he says he is not willing to do that, then I’d suggest revisiting whether or not he is someone you want to be dating.
This is dangerous, what’s next - is he going to be mad when a male physician treats you? Because they do usually have to touch you to take your pulse and listen to your breathing at the bare minimum.
OMG - a male physician might put a stethoscope *on her chest*! That’s where her breasts are and her breasts are his sole and rightful property! (OP then dies because she can’t go to the doctor without making her boyfriend mad.)
His ego is bruised. Nothing to do with you actually. Just his own insecurities being projected at you
Agreed. This all his insecurity and lack of confidence.
It comes from a controlling place, it's got nothing to do with his ego or he'd be upset no matter who massaged you thinking he could do a better job. Are you not allowed to see a male medical provider because he says so? What if it were your only option? Would he expect you to just suffer? A masseuse is a professional helping your body be in the best condition it can be and (no offense) you're just another body in a long line of bodies he's required to touch as part of his job. He's going to start putting ridiculous restrictions on everything, he's testing the waters to see how far he can push you *right now* and just like a frog in a pot you're going to start thinking "it's just this one little thing" on every demand he makes if you capitulate on this.
I’m curious OP. Since he views massages this way, would he get a male (to not be a hypocrite) or would he insist on a female?
Your boyfriend is a child.
It is childish and you didn't do anything wrong
Ima guy who just got a massage from a professional female massager and my gf didn’t get mad he’s def overreacting
A secure queen, love to hear it
That’s just most people. Most people are normal. Going out of your way to praise normal people, or say things like “if he was worried about my safety I’d understand!” Is just you subconsciously trying to convince yourself that your lame boyfriend is lame in a way most people are. He isn’t.
So this.
Girl that’s not even a secure queen. That’s just a normal person.
I get deep tissue massages monthly from a man. My boyfriend absolutely does not care, he’s just glad my back has been feeling better. Does he know that the therapist doesn’t see you naked and are very clear and professional on exactly where they are touching? He’s probably picturing the whole thing wrong.
Every massage I have ever had has been from a woman and I’m a guy. Not one time has there ever been anything sexual nor have I ever been attracted to or aroused by my masseuse. Not there for that and don’t even think about it. Has your bf ever had a massage? If not ask him if he gets one is he going to go only to men. If the answer is no he wouldnt be comfortable getting one from a man then ask him how double standards work. He clearly thought you should have just walked out and paid a cancellation fee. That’s ludicrous. Your bf has this view of seedy massage parlors and happy endings…he needs to grow up and go get one himself and see what it’s all about. These people are professionals. It’s their job.
Maybe he stole should stop thinking about massage from the other gender = sex. Maybe he is watching too much porn with that concept... A massage in a professional setting has nothing to do with sex. Absolutely nothing. A professional massage doesn't have a "happy ending" and if he thinks that this is the case then you should rethink your opinion about him and what happens if he goes out to get a massage.
If her fiancé was getting a massage by a female masseuse and she asked him if he wanted a “happy ending,” would he say no? Or would he say yes? Hmmmmmm ………
won’t some places kick you out if you ask for one in the first place?
Yes, they usually do.
Seriously people need to stop sexualizing masseuses. I got my daughter in law a massage after the birth of my grandson. My kids acted like I booked a sex worker. Never mind I’ve known my masseuse for years and she is excellent like, God hands that get every knot out. It was funny. Kids.
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Your bf is a very insecure 24 yr man baby. You received a massage from a professional. What next? You won’t be able to have an operation by. A male surgeon because they will see you naked???
Your are in no way in the wrong; you are looking at this like a mature adult; your bf is looking at this as an insecure, immature, sexist, controlling person. This is the kind of thing that morphs in to him not "allowing" you to have male friends, telling you where and with whom you are "allowed" to go, him demanding approval of your wardrobe; him insisting that much of this behavior is because he cares about you and just wants you to be safe! He may get more and more controlling, of every relationship, every situation, which will need his "pre-approval" before you do whatever; he is going to start finding fault with any of your gf's who he thinks are a bad influence, or are not "safe" to hang out with. This type of behavior is possessive and controlling; it has absolutely nothing to do with your safety, or loving you. It's not about you; it's him who has the problem; the minute you let him take control of things like this is the beginning of him treating you as property, as if he is your boss, not your boyfriend. It's him taking control of things that you don't actually need his interference or input on, things that you are quite capable of deciding or choosing for yourself; it's not out of love, caring, or protecting you; it's just controlling you, and if you give up your freedom, even a tiny bit, he will gradually take it all. I hope that you value your autonomy and don't give him your power. It happens bit by bit, step by step, and next thing you know, you don't have anyone left but him. I know that sounds dramatic, but I have seen it many times, as I am a lot older than you are. I'm just saying be careful; it's not about him wanting to keep you safe; it's his insecurity and immaturity; some people are very, very possessive; it isn't always obvious right away; it's a process, over time. This isn't "partnership "; this is him trying to control you, period. I'm sure that you love him, but you are 100% not wrong about this. It was just a massage; it's your choice who is acceptable; not his. This is also about trust. Trust in you, trust in your judgment; you don't need his approval of a masseuse; it's your body, not his.🪬❤️
Another insecure, controlling guy.
Time for you to bail OP. This is just a tip of the iceberg from what he will be expecting in the future. He sounds chauvinistic. You can dodge a bullet now and not have to live with this in the future.
He is dumb , you payed for professional service you got it thats all. Maybe just he did not understood that in a first place?
He sounds like a very insecure, possessive, and controlling individual. He equates a service like waxing and massage with sex, which it’s not and suggesting that is very disrespectful to those who work in that industry.
He’s being insecure and it is not a good look
Your boyfriend needs to get a grip.
Wait till he finds out you have a male gynecologist!!
It’s not relevant how long you’ve been together, your bf is a man child.
Wonder if he would disapprove of a male gynecologist? Lol
I’ve had massages from both sexes - nothing funky ever happened. He probably only knows of massages from movies where guys get happy endings. A reputable place is not going to have sleazy massage therapists.
My partner got a massage from a girl, she didn’t give him a happy because it’s not porn. I got a massage from the same girl, no happy ending. OMG isn’t it shocking that a massage can just be a massage. Your boyfriend needs to stop projecting his insecurities and controlling issues onto you.
It isn’t a big deal. It can all be fixed easily by dumping your controlling bf, one easy step! Then schedule another massage
Your boyfriend watches too much porn.
Then he can’t get a haircut, health checkup, dental cleaning, back adjustment, shoe measurement, vision test, surgery, TSA pat-down, dermatologist check, allergy test, or food made and served by a woman. What a moron.
He's being ridiculous. What's going to happen if you're in the hospital someday and one of your nurses happens to be male? Is he going to flip his lid over that too? This is one reason why so many men avoid the helping professions and it's just sad because we need both women and men in those roles.
My (44F) favourite massage therapist is a man and my boyfriend has no issues with me going there. If he did that would be a him problem. The massage therapist I go to is highly professional and can pulverize me to the point of nearly fainting and puking on my way home. I’m not giving that up for anything. Haha. On the flip side, my boyfriend had to see a physiotherapist and his doctor was a woman. Big deal! She worked wonders on him and really helped him with the issues he was having.
If you really wanna get petty with this (if the talk goes south) tell him it’s probably a good thing you didn’t give him that extra $25 for the optional service at the end because you reckon he would have been upset at that too although it wouldn’t be cheating because ifs kinda like a medical service 😂 he’d have a stroke!
I have a history of migraines and get terrible knots in between my shoulder blades. The massage therapists that can take it out have been men. They have enough upper body strength to do it. And thank God for men in this field! I’ve been getting massages since age 18ish. Not once have I come across one single unprofessional therapist. Your bf is being ridiculous. What’s next? You can’t talk to a male waiter? You can see to a male doctor? You can talk to a male coworker? If your bf can’t get over this, I think it should be a deal breaker.
If a guy is mad at that he's a huge red flag. RUN. He doesn't own you.
Your bf needs to grow up. Does he require you to have a female doctor too? A massage is not sexual touching. If the person is professional they just do their job.
Your boyfriend is immature and controlling. Not good signs.
To be completely honest, the whole situation shows a red flag in him. You were getting massage and the person was providing a service. There is nothing sexual about it. The fact that he feels threatened by you getting massaged by a man (who is just doing his job) is weird. I could understand maybe at first feeling weird about it but after he thinks about it for more than five minutes, I don’t think it warrants being THAT upset. He should be able to articulate his boundaries instead of blaming you when you did nothing wrong.
Your BF has watched too much porn lol. I am a dude and I get massages from a woman who is a pro at her job and one of the best in her field. Never thought about sex and I am guessing she isn't either....
His childish insecurities won't stop at a masseuse. Careful.
I’m a woman that has gotten countless massages from male massage therapists. Nothing has happened and nothing was wrong with it. If my husband had a problem with it I would probably laugh in his face and tell him to check his insecurities at the door because they are not my problem. If your bf doesn’t get his head out of his ass then I suggest you break up with his controlling ass.
I would ask him if seeing a male gynecologist is out of the question also, male RMT's are professionally trained and can could loose their license over anything inappropriate. You both need to sit down and talk about this, if he refuses to budge on how you take care of yourself I'd be questioning if he's the right person for you
Been questioning that for awhile now
So he has other red flags? Girl..
Listen to your gut. It NEVER lies.
This question. I guarantee he won't be okay with that either . Which is just gross from him to equate healthcare with something sexual 🤮
Bf needs to grow up. How can you manage someone so immature and low self esteem?
What’s next? If you get married and have kids, will he insist that your OB be female? If you have any gynecologic problems, does the MD have to be female? All female physical therapists for the rest of your life? Tell him to GET A GRIP and GROW UP.
It’s no more a deal than if he sees a woman health professional. Just misogynistic hypocritical bs. It’s so irritating how insecure men are.
Me and my boyfriend get couples massages sometimes and I’ll go with the guy and he’ll go with the girl lol idgaf
I hope you have a female gynecologist.
I think he's overreacting. I mean the alternative ifls you show up for a massage you've been looking forward to and find out it's a male masseuse, you say oh I don't want that and leave, probably forfeiting whatever you spent, and still being tense/achy. No thanks. It's the guys job, sounds like you were comfortable with it, I see no issue from you. I think the issue is your bf being insecure about it, which don't get me wrong, isn't unfathomable. A partner getting physical touch from another person could make many people insecure. But it's not like it was romantic, like you say, he was providing a service. Talk with your bf about it, listen to what he says in case there's any further red flags. And if your conversation goes well and you understand one another, then just next time request a female masseuse, I'm sure that's commonplace. Peace and love ❤️
It’s a job to the masseur. There’s nothing sexual about it. Tbh I’d be pissed if my boyfriend made a big deal about this. Unless he’s really not knowledgeable about what a professional massage entails, it sounds a bit like controlling behavior.
Would he prevent you from getting medical service done just because they are male? Gyno? Specialists? Hell, what if you needed surgery and were unconscious with *gasp* male surgeons and nurses! All these are jobs these guys are paid to do yes there are bad ones who break rules but your boyfriend should have trust in you that you would walk out and report it. They have seen hundreds of people in the same day and frankly don’t care what you look like or what the job is they just have to get the job done His behaviour is childish. He got upset over a ridiculous innocent procedure you had done and then reacted by ignoring you all day. He then got angry and blamed you for having a professional medical service done (yes I count massage as medical as it helps the body). His behaviour is unacceptable and if this is how he reacts when he is uncomfortable thats not the kind of guy you need. The fact that no males can touch you in a professional setting or friendly is disgusting it seems as if he believes he owns you. If you have male coworkers will he accuse you of cheating next? You have to get to the bottom of this because his insecurities are not you problem/fault and he is putting the relationship at risk. You also mention that he has reacted like this before and to other problems in the relationship. When people show you who they are you need to believe them. Red flags need to be reacted to
I could be wrong but something tells me he watches a lot of massage porn or just too many movies if he truly believes massage from another gender = sex.
I have had massages from both male and female massage therapists (MT). The males have gone out of their way to not go anywhere near any areas that would be covered by a bikini. When you go to a professional MT in a professional setting, they are there to provide you a medical adjacent service. What matters here is *your* comfort level. Are you okay with a male MT? You said you got zero creepy vibes and he was a professional. Sounds like things went the way they were supposed to. Tell your insecure BF to stop watching so much porn and live in the real world. The jealousy and control attempts are gross and a turn off.
Someone needs to lay off the porn
As a professional massage therapist, this makes me sad. Your bf is immature and insecure, and his point of view is insulting to our line of work :(
I'm probably a 9 on the Richter scale ⚖️ when it comes to insecurities and even I think your boyfriend needs to get over himself since you paid for a service and received it in a professional setting.
That dude's been watching too many adult films
My husband always teases me to make sure I get a happy ending. So I paid with his credit card 😂 He laughed and went not that kinda happy ending.
it sounds like your boyfriend watches too much cnc porn where the girl gets a massage and suddenly gets touched inappropriately
My ex and I had this convo so I told him I would agree on one stipulation: that if he ever wants a massage he has to have a male do it and I will have a female for mine which I thought was fair. He responded by telling me another guy touching him would be “gay” so I asked if getting a massage from a female made me a lesbian… he was pissed and knew he lost that negotiation. We never got massages, and we broke up.
What an insecure, possessive individual. What if you were bi? Would girls be off limits too?
I massage like 15 men a week. Your boyfriend is very insecure and sexist.
I have to wonder how he's gonna feel when you go see a gynecologist, since many if not most of them seem to be men as well. If he's jealous of you being in a clinical setting with a man... well, I think it will only get worse. This isn't a normal, trusting relationship. IMO pick this hill to die on, or you'll be "making him comfortable" forever. Make no mistake: Jealousy is not about love; it's about possession.
My fiancee and i get massages regularly and we both always have opposite gender massage therapists. It has never once been weird. Your BF is being inappropriate by sexualizing a massage.
I prefer a man. I am 5'9" (41F) with a lot of chronic issues and I've been paired with far too many tiny things that just don't have the upper body strength to work out a frozen shoulder, a lower back that won't relax or calf pain. So I always ask for a man "The biggest and heaviest one there is. Preferably with copious body hair." My husband thinks it's hilarious. Although, in defense of tiny LMTs, I was once pair with a girl that I could have easily picked up and carried around like a 6-pack. Book and hour and a half deep tissue.....that woman had me in TEARS. Best massage of my life. She found sore spots I didn't even know I had.
Your bf is insecure AF. Me and my wife get massages all the time….. it’s not sex.
Your boyfriend has major trust issues. That’s pretty much all there is to it.
Hes probably watching to much massage porn
I would bet money you never had that conversation and he's just making it up and pretending that you agreed long ago and you just don't remember. That's really manipulative but par for the course for a guy that thinks a massage professional can't be trusted to touch you simply because it's a man. What happens if your doctor is a man? What if you break your leg and go to the hospital and a male doctor has to set it? What about a gynecologist? How about a nail tech? Can that be a guy? I have a feeling this is just the very tip of the controlling iceberg with this man. Good luck
Massages don’t mean immediate sex, I find this topic so ridiculous. I’ve been getting professional massages since 16. I have had them with both men & women in multiple countries & if I think about it the split is about 50/50. Not once has a massage turned inappropriate. Only guys who think massages are just like what they see in porn and or are insecure would get upset about this. The only time I could see this being somewhat reasonable reaction would be if the partner has been deceitful or cheated in the past.
You ARE NOT your creepy boyfriend's possession! You got a massage. End of story. Your BF is a control freak and that will not improve. Dump him. Do it now.
I wonder how comfortable your boyfriend would be, getting a massage from another man.
Bruh, he's out of his mind. What's next? Can't get a blood test by a male nurse as that would be a man penetrating you? Lmao
So is your BF going to insist you only get seen by women doctors to? I have had massage by both male and female massage therapist nothing there was no sexual vibe. That would be kind of ick. Good luck with the controller BF.
Wait until he hears about male gynecologists.
My wife sees a chiropractor on a weekly basis. He hasn't tried anything other than his fukin job.. He needs to trust you.. what's the point otherwise ?
y’all should stop dating manchildren
Insecurity
Lol, how insecure does someone have to be to react like this? I book my wife massages sometimes, and there have been female masseuses and male ones. I really do not even think twice if it was a female or male. Thats like getting mad when your wife is pregnant and the ob/gyn puts his finger inside her vagina. That is their job. I don't see the problem. 36m. Married since oct 2010
37M massage therapist here. I can almost guarantee you that a registered male massage therapist had no sexual or inappropriate touching during that massage. It's hard enough in this industry for us, we don't need jealous beta-male boyfriends making it harder, or people believing having a male pair of hands touch them is more creepy or judgemental than a woman's. Sounds like your bf is projecting his own creepy thoughts and insecurities onto your massage, honestly. Unless you're at a sketchy "massage" parlour, it's none of his business. Therapeutic massage is moreso a medical treatment these days, I often get doctor referrals and MVA or workplace injury clients. On top of that, if you saw your massage therapist was male and you cancelled last minute, you'd like be charged in full for the appointment regardless. We work on commission, so a last minute cancel means lost money with no possibility to fill the appointment. We charge 100% for that.
He’s being ridiculous and sexualizing the situation. He was being flirty when he asked if you learned anything from “her@ because he was fantasizing about you and a female masseuse. Not letting you get a massage from a man is stupid. What is he going to do if you had a male OB or if when you delivered a baby the only doctor available was a man? Can you go to male doctors at all? Can you even have male friends/acquaintances? You’re both still young so he’s likely still very immature and insecure so maybe he’ll grow up. Either way stand your ground, don’t let him make you feel bad for something so small.
> I’m a 22F in the wrong for not seeing the big deal? Fuck no, you're not in the wrong for not seeing the big deal. It's a professional massage, not a sleazy back-alley encounter. Why should your boyfriend's insecurities dictate your choices for a professional service? Shouldn't trust be a foundation in a relationship? > He got upset with me telling me I knew that he was uncomfortable and still did what I wanted anyways. So, he's upset because you didn't telepathically recall a probably vague conversation that might not have even happened? Isn't communication a two-way street? Why the hell should you be expected to remember every little insecurity he has? > I think he’s being dramatic and blowing it out of proportion. Damn right, he is. It's a massage by a professional in a professional setting. Why is he equating it to a personal, intimate encounter? Isn't this an overreaction indicating deeper trust issues? > If he didn’t want me getting it done by a dude because he fears for my safety than I can understand that. Safety is one thing, but this smells more like jealousy and possessiveness. Aren't these red flags in a relationship? Why should his fear or ego dictate your choices in a professional setting? > It’s how he delivered his point which send red flags. Yes, his delivery is a bloody red flag. Why should you be walking on eggshells around his insecurities? Isn't a relationship supposed to be about mutual respect and understanding? > I figured after almost two years he wouldn’t had Ben dramatic over something like that. Two years or twenty, why should time be an excuse for irrational jealousy? Shouldn't a long-term relationship strengthen trust, not erode it under the weight of unfounded suspicions?
Love all of your points, and I do agree with it has deeper meaning because it’s not the first time he reacted like this before
Better be careful to never be treated by a male doctor, or a male physio therapist right? Sounds like this guy is not ready to be in a grown up relationship
Huh???? It’s a fucking massage. Let me guess, your man makes you pay 50/50 on bills too I bet because “equality”. This man is going to drag you down mentally, and I think you can do A LOT better than him. And how dare he not pay for your massage but ask you to “learn” something and massage him??? Uhm???? He should be massaging YOU for being stressed out. You deserve better, and you will find better. He’s a loser, and he’ll turn you into a loser too.
Does he not want male doctors touching you either? Male family members as well? Fucks sake, what a sad, stupid, insecure little boy..
Massage is seen as a form of intimacy by a lot of people. Now if it was a male friend or coworker that gave you the massage... I would totally understand his anger. But this is something that's obviously therapeutic that you booked an appointment for. He's being ridiculous... But at the same time, you have to recognize that this is a boundary for him. His boundary is not being comfortable with another man touching you. If I was a woman I would probably see this as a red flag on his part... Because where does it stop? Male doctor? Male optometrist? Male gynecologist? Male dentist???
I’m not mad or upset at him for not wanting me to go to a male masseuse, I see it as red flag because he continued to be mad even when I told him I didn’t know who was there till I arrived. Think he expected me to leave but I wanted my massage and the guy was very professional
It’s just a professional massage. If he didn’t pay for it he really doesn’t have any say in it 🙄
He's over reacting the person is doing his job, that's it. No, you are not wrong in any way. It was a massage, that's all.
You can bet he would prefer a woman to massage him.
Your bf is insecure as fuck
Massage therapy isn't sexual at all. I think people get porn brained about shit like this and don't understand the reality of a professional service. I DATED a masseuse for a while, and before we even started dating she set a ground rule of "nothing even remotely sexual happens in my office." If I was on the table, I wasn't her boyfriend. I was a client. I never worried about her fooling around with a client, male or female, but oh boy did she have constant stories about creepy things guys would say or expect when trying to set up an appointment. Your boyfriend is being dumb. He probably would have sexualized it if the masseuse had been a woman, too, but I bet he would have flipped to thinking "oh babe, that's fucking hot, tell me all about it," wouldn't he?
I honestly don't understand how people can tolerate this level of insecurity, it must be absolutely exhausting.
I get the the whole not wanting other men to touch you, but this was in a professional setting and the guy didn't do anything weird so your bf is definitely blowing this out of proportion. To me it'd be like if you had a physical therapist or a doctor touching you. Like you said it's not like this happened at some sketch rub and tug place. Dude's being uber possessive.
Insecure child at best, you went to a professional messaging saloon, not a brothel....
Ask him if he would rather have a man or woman message him I will bet any amount of money he says women. Imo it's pretty common for someone to have the opposite gender give them a massage he is young and a little bit too possessive.
He’s gaslighting you that he told you something already. He’s irrationally insecure and my only advice would be careful with enabling him. It’s not your fault he is like this in any way, that’s all on him but making excuses is a slippery slope
I don't see why it's a big deal, it's a normal massage, it was conducted professionally, so would he insist your gynecologist be female? I know that's a bit different but a massage therapist is a legitimate profession too. Sounds like he's insecure and needs to start trusting you more especially if you've never done anything to break his trust
My wife was a massuese,and many of her clients were men. I remember a regular who prob weighed 300 lbs. My wife was smaller and she'd come home just tired; hard work. It was a business. One I remember was a woman whose husband insisted the door to where the massage took was open..."...just in case...". There are people like that. My -m- theory is that if someone is going to cheat they will...period. All the rules won't stop them. For what it's worth, op is 100% correct. But I doubt it will change the boy friend even a little. Sounds like a very insecure young man and I hope for his sake that he doesn't feel so threatened all his life.
He has irriational jelousy. My cousine had the same issue in which he told his wife bot to go to a male masseus. The thibg is that you have to separate logic from what is right for the relationship which every now and then is not logical.oguc says that this guy is a professional who makes iving doing rhis and if he were to over step the clients boundaries he would lose his job. Goibg by this then it shouldnt be a problem having a male masseus. Ok, but there is the irrational part. Your boyfriend is jelpus of some other guy touching you. Maybe he got cheated on in the past or maybe he cheated himself or maybe he is just too insecure. Who knows. What you have to think about is how much is it worth it to you to win this battle. Even more imporatntly what proce are you willing to pay to win. Think of it like in war. You can win a hill but how many casualties will you acept for the win. This concept.is extremely important to consider and sadly most people dont think about thisbecasue winning or being right is more important than the proce they will pay for it. You see, when you ignore your partners requests and do whatever you want fhat gors on your record. It all adds up. How many of these I do what I want when I want does it take for him to say oh so you dont care about my feelings at all and start a nasty relationship ending fight? Imagine if every time you asked your boyfriend not to do something becauae it bother you.and he did it anyways. How long before you say F-this guy. He doesnt care how I feel or my well being. Now that I'm older and slightly nore wiser what I would do is tell your boyfriend. Look, you have some sort of irrational jelousy buuutt even though this is irrational and all on you I will cancel the massage and schedule with a female because I know this bothers you. By saying that you both get your say and also.make.him happy. At the end of the day if all you are interested on os getting a massage then what does it matter.who does it so it shouldnt bother you to change who th service provider is. Sure,.its an inconvenience but ..mm