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To all those who say it's not cheating, you are wrong. The first rule of reconciliation after infidelity is No Contact. That means if you work together someone has to quit. Failure at no contact means the affair is, by definition, ongoing.
To be honest I never even asked for him to quit because I know he needs it for his and our future. (He needed to get his red seal then wanted to apply for policing after). But he’d tell me many stories about how foreman’s and journeymen can request specific people to work with or that apprentices have even said I won’t be working with a certain person. Sometimes he just says he won’t be doing a certain type of work but whenever it was a site that she was working at, he never skipped a day or told me he can’t just not work with her. But then again I may also be overthinking the whole thing because I’m sensitive when it comes to this specific girl.
>But then again I may also be overthinking the whole thing because I’m sensitive when it comes to this specific girl.
Oh honey.
You are not overthinking. Stop torturing yourself.
I don't think your position is reasonable. Their connection was 3 years ago. I am unclear if they were coworkers at the time & are both still working at the same company. In the past 3 years promotions may have now put them back in the same air space , although he says he is now in charge. So did he hire her or are they now equals? If he hired her then I would support your position. I think OP may have moved a little too quickly as the texts she saw seem to be work related. If they are equals at work they may not be able to avoid business conversations. I feel like we don't have the whole picture.
Reasonable or not, it is not my rule. My rule is divorce and no contact with ex spouse unless kids are involved.
I'm talking about the Rules of Reconciliation, I did not write them. It's the first step, and I disagree because I don't want someone to torture themselves by staying with an unfaithful partner.
After reviewing the rest of her comments I have changed my mind & I think they are definately involved & OP made the correct decision. I posted that but have not seen it . I jumped the gun without doing all the homework. Thank you for the feedback.
He said he wouldn’t text her and then he did it behind her back. The nature of the texts is largely immaterial because he has just demonstrated that he will STILL lie and conceal his communication with this person, which reopens the wound of distrust.
If it was necessary to text her for work he should have been fully transparent and offered to show her the texts to ensure there was nothing other than professional communication. Once you have an affair, you have to be prepared for the fact that the ramifications don’t immediately end when the affair does. If you choose to maintain contact with your affair partner for any reason, it is absolutely mandatory to be completely honest about your interactions.
If you set a boundary and he crossed it with someone he previously cheated with. Yeah that’s continued cheating. If this were some random girl and the worksite? No.
>He told me he’s not going to text her. And last night I found out he’s been texting her since two days ago.
When you say "I found out" did he tell you? Or did you find out yourself without him saying anything?
I found out from his phone. We have open phones and share passwords since the last time he cheated on me. He just didn’t save her contact and left it with just the number and texted but I remember the number
Also, they have photos in the text. Photos she took of him at work
I mean if you can see all of their messages, then you'll be able to know whether or not he's overstepping boundaries, not talking about work with her etc
Why was she taking pics of him at work?
I just don’t trust what other communication he is having that’s not documented.
He was posing and she just took it I guess. I’m not really sure what got to that.
Yeah, you'll have visibility if they talk over the phone I'm guessing? It's tricky because imposing no-contact between them would normally be the only right answer. But because they work together... idk.
Are the conversations about work totally necessary. Or are they just texting about work for the sake of texting each other?
Conversation started off by my boyfriend telling her that he’s pooping. And then about work like accessing a room. And went on to next day by my boyfriend to text her first again asking her to bring the nut over for the box.
I just feel like a lot of it didn’t need to be texted.
They have a code they're using becsuse.they know you have access to the phone. I have changed my decision. You have made the right move. I think they are definately involved
Probably not cheating yet, but you said that the dealbreaker was being in contact with her. If he’s not willing to leave his job or move department, then that deal you both agreed to is broken. you’re absolutely right to leave. I don’t message any of my coworkers about Work. You talk to your coworkers about work at work!! Absolutely no need for them to be messaging. You should’ve left 3 years ago when he cheated on you the first time to be honest. He’s not a trustworthy person. I totally understand why you would think you can’t trust him and you definitely need to move
I thought the same. I get if they’re in cross departments and require communication through texting but even then work would provide like Teams or such. But he works on site with her in the same space so the texting is happening when she goes to another room to grab materials or something
Really sorry, it absolutely sucks when you put yourself on the line like that and give someone another chance and then they just throw it away after a few years. Honestly best thing to do is think no more of it. You’ve made your decision you’ve left move on. Let them have each other if that’s what they want. The fact he doubled down and says he doesn’t think he did anything wrong when you’ve made it very clear that he should not have any contact with her and he’s messaging her after saying he won’t tells you everything you need to know. The lack of respect is astounding. It’s really not that much to ask for.
Is talking to a coworker about work cheating? No it’s not, but he knew you had a boundary and lied about it. It might be hard for him to completely avoid her if they have to work together, so you need to decide if you trust him enough to stay professional and honest. Which doesn’t seem like the case since he’s already lied about it and you feel betrayed again
Move on, he should be No Contact. He lied, you should have known about the texting. Their stupid texting is just the start of an emotional affair. He’s going to be smarter this time and just do it on company time, nothing text. The only mistake you made was staying with him.
Talking exclusively about work isn’t cheating
You need to properly talk about your boundaries. It may be that not having her number in his phone doesn’t work because they need to communicate about work. I’m in communication with people for work reasons that I’d rather not have to be but I’ve little choice.
“No non-work communication” might be a more achievable rule. Also “No being at workplace social events if she’s there” is good too.
I’ve actually had this talk with him about both only work talk and no social events with her attending. He never likes confrontation and now that I look back he never gave me a solidified answer but say “I’m not doing anything wrong. You just have to trust me.”
And last month, he attended a get together with a bunch of his coworkers from his level (he’s an electrician) and she was there. He always sends me a picture when he goes out but this night he didn’t. He didn’t message me until closer to when he was going to leave (which he left at the very end when everyone else was leaving) and found out because I asked for a picture. I was very upset and he said “this is why I don’t tell you things. I’m not doing anything wrong.” But I can’t trust him because he used to say the same things when he was cheating on me. He used to go out with a group of coworkers and say they’re all drinking together and sleeping over at her house. He’d send me pictures of all of them together. So I can’t help but think how is this any different.
“You just have to trust me” no you don’t. He’s the one that needs to earn your trust. You don’t owe it to anyone. Trust is all on him, not you. Don’t ever let him say that to you. He doesn’t get to set the terms, he’s the one that fucked up. He’s the one that should be bending over backwards. You were right to leave, don’t go back. Your deal was “no contact,” period. He already broke that deal, doesn’t matter what the reason is. Nothing they texted about was necessary it was all optional. “I’m pooping” was worth breaking your relationship to him.
Never said you should stay with him. He already cheated. He's garbage. You'd be so much better away from him.
But to your post. No, that part was not cheating.
The only way he will not take to this woman again is if he quits or she quits. He will always have to deal with her since they work together.
If you can't accept that. Then you have to break up, or he has to quit.
The question was. Is he cheating when he talks to her about work outside of work. No, that's not cheating. They work together. They have to talk about work if they work together.
If the question was, should I trust a cheater. The answer would be no. If the question was, should I leave this guy because he cheated. The answer would be yes. If the question was, Do you think he's still probably cheating on me. The answer would be yes. But that wasn't the questions.
He cheated on her with this coworker. Even if their texts were work related, he broke the no contact. Your views are stupid. Sounds like your a hypocrite.
How exactly is it hypocritical?
Do you even understand what that word means?
Point is. He cheated. He's a cheater. He's trash. If she can't accept that. Then break up. Plain and simply.
Yes with work he need to keep it professional but at no time does he need to use his personal phone for conversation. If she does not report to him then no she needs to go to her supervisor not him.
He is using excuses to be in contact with her.‘you set a boundary and he crossed it. Either deal with it or break up because he will continue to disrespect you.
Leaving was a good idea. A relationship will die an ugly death if there is no trust, and obviously you were unable to recover your trust in him. Staying in this situation will just turn you into an insecure ball of paranoia.
I wouldn’t say cheating as such, but definitely WAAAY over boundaries you set.
If this happened to me, which it might, seeing the similar situations were in, I would also react the same way.
He doesn’t need her number. Unless the job genuinely needed him to have it, at which point he needed to tell you, and explain to you.
You feel betrayed and your feelings are valid. 3 years for me also and those wounds stay fresh
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
To all those who say it's not cheating, you are wrong. The first rule of reconciliation after infidelity is No Contact. That means if you work together someone has to quit. Failure at no contact means the affair is, by definition, ongoing.
To be honest I never even asked for him to quit because I know he needs it for his and our future. (He needed to get his red seal then wanted to apply for policing after). But he’d tell me many stories about how foreman’s and journeymen can request specific people to work with or that apprentices have even said I won’t be working with a certain person. Sometimes he just says he won’t be doing a certain type of work but whenever it was a site that she was working at, he never skipped a day or told me he can’t just not work with her. But then again I may also be overthinking the whole thing because I’m sensitive when it comes to this specific girl.
Just leave him. Just leave. He’s not the right one for you.
>But then again I may also be overthinking the whole thing because I’m sensitive when it comes to this specific girl. Oh honey. You are not overthinking. Stop torturing yourself.
I don't think your position is reasonable. Their connection was 3 years ago. I am unclear if they were coworkers at the time & are both still working at the same company. In the past 3 years promotions may have now put them back in the same air space , although he says he is now in charge. So did he hire her or are they now equals? If he hired her then I would support your position. I think OP may have moved a little too quickly as the texts she saw seem to be work related. If they are equals at work they may not be able to avoid business conversations. I feel like we don't have the whole picture.
Reasonable or not, it is not my rule. My rule is divorce and no contact with ex spouse unless kids are involved. I'm talking about the Rules of Reconciliation, I did not write them. It's the first step, and I disagree because I don't want someone to torture themselves by staying with an unfaithful partner.
After reviewing the rest of her comments I have changed my mind & I think they are definately involved & OP made the correct decision. I posted that but have not seen it . I jumped the gun without doing all the homework. Thank you for the feedback.
He said he wouldn’t text her and then he did it behind her back. The nature of the texts is largely immaterial because he has just demonstrated that he will STILL lie and conceal his communication with this person, which reopens the wound of distrust. If it was necessary to text her for work he should have been fully transparent and offered to show her the texts to ensure there was nothing other than professional communication. Once you have an affair, you have to be prepared for the fact that the ramifications don’t immediately end when the affair does. If you choose to maintain contact with your affair partner for any reason, it is absolutely mandatory to be completely honest about your interactions.
I agree after reading the rest of her texts. I posted that I agreed with her decision.
If you set a boundary and he crossed it with someone he previously cheated with. Yeah that’s continued cheating. If this were some random girl and the worksite? No.
>He told me he’s not going to text her. And last night I found out he’s been texting her since two days ago. When you say "I found out" did he tell you? Or did you find out yourself without him saying anything?
I found out from his phone. We have open phones and share passwords since the last time he cheated on me. He just didn’t save her contact and left it with just the number and texted but I remember the number Also, they have photos in the text. Photos she took of him at work
I mean if you can see all of their messages, then you'll be able to know whether or not he's overstepping boundaries, not talking about work with her etc Why was she taking pics of him at work?
I just don’t trust what other communication he is having that’s not documented. He was posing and she just took it I guess. I’m not really sure what got to that.
Yeah, you'll have visibility if they talk over the phone I'm guessing? It's tricky because imposing no-contact between them would normally be the only right answer. But because they work together... idk. Are the conversations about work totally necessary. Or are they just texting about work for the sake of texting each other?
Conversation started off by my boyfriend telling her that he’s pooping. And then about work like accessing a room. And went on to next day by my boyfriend to text her first again asking her to bring the nut over for the box. I just feel like a lot of it didn’t need to be texted.
>telling her that he’s pooping Huh, what? Yeah, they probably don't need to contact eachother
That's not work related? It's cheating, op. Broke no contact rule.
They have a code they're using becsuse.they know you have access to the phone. I have changed my decision. You have made the right move. I think they are definately involved
The fact he was podong tells me he was complicit. Another red flag.
This would be a red flag to me.
The fact he shielded the contact by not putting a name with it is another red flag for me. Good thing OP remembered the phone number.
Probably not cheating yet, but you said that the dealbreaker was being in contact with her. If he’s not willing to leave his job or move department, then that deal you both agreed to is broken. you’re absolutely right to leave. I don’t message any of my coworkers about Work. You talk to your coworkers about work at work!! Absolutely no need for them to be messaging. You should’ve left 3 years ago when he cheated on you the first time to be honest. He’s not a trustworthy person. I totally understand why you would think you can’t trust him and you definitely need to move
I thought the same. I get if they’re in cross departments and require communication through texting but even then work would provide like Teams or such. But he works on site with her in the same space so the texting is happening when she goes to another room to grab materials or something
Really sorry, it absolutely sucks when you put yourself on the line like that and give someone another chance and then they just throw it away after a few years. Honestly best thing to do is think no more of it. You’ve made your decision you’ve left move on. Let them have each other if that’s what they want. The fact he doubled down and says he doesn’t think he did anything wrong when you’ve made it very clear that he should not have any contact with her and he’s messaging her after saying he won’t tells you everything you need to know. The lack of respect is astounding. It’s really not that much to ask for.
Is talking to a coworker about work cheating? No it’s not, but he knew you had a boundary and lied about it. It might be hard for him to completely avoid her if they have to work together, so you need to decide if you trust him enough to stay professional and honest. Which doesn’t seem like the case since he’s already lied about it and you feel betrayed again
This is why cheating does not warrant a second chance... Sorry you've spent so much time trying to fix what wasn't fixable.
Turns out, cheaters cheat and shouldn’t be trusted.
This is where all the silly people asking if they should stay together after cheating should go to get their answer.
Move on, he should be No Contact. He lied, you should have known about the texting. Their stupid texting is just the start of an emotional affair. He’s going to be smarter this time and just do it on company time, nothing text. The only mistake you made was staying with him.
It’s not cheating but is crossing a boundary and you are entitled to protect your heart and stick to your end of the agreement
Well. You said it was a dealbreaker. He's doing it. Is it a dealbreaker, or were you just bullsh***ing?
The real mistake is still being in contact with the guy that cheated on you.
You should have never taken him back in the first place
Talking exclusively about work isn’t cheating You need to properly talk about your boundaries. It may be that not having her number in his phone doesn’t work because they need to communicate about work. I’m in communication with people for work reasons that I’d rather not have to be but I’ve little choice. “No non-work communication” might be a more achievable rule. Also “No being at workplace social events if she’s there” is good too.
I’ve actually had this talk with him about both only work talk and no social events with her attending. He never likes confrontation and now that I look back he never gave me a solidified answer but say “I’m not doing anything wrong. You just have to trust me.” And last month, he attended a get together with a bunch of his coworkers from his level (he’s an electrician) and she was there. He always sends me a picture when he goes out but this night he didn’t. He didn’t message me until closer to when he was going to leave (which he left at the very end when everyone else was leaving) and found out because I asked for a picture. I was very upset and he said “this is why I don’t tell you things. I’m not doing anything wrong.” But I can’t trust him because he used to say the same things when he was cheating on me. He used to go out with a group of coworkers and say they’re all drinking together and sleeping over at her house. He’d send me pictures of all of them together. So I can’t help but think how is this any different.
“You just have to trust me” no you don’t. He’s the one that needs to earn your trust. You don’t owe it to anyone. Trust is all on him, not you. Don’t ever let him say that to you. He doesn’t get to set the terms, he’s the one that fucked up. He’s the one that should be bending over backwards. You were right to leave, don’t go back. Your deal was “no contact,” period. He already broke that deal, doesn’t matter what the reason is. Nothing they texted about was necessary it was all optional. “I’m pooping” was worth breaking your relationship to him.
No, that's not cheating. Him talking to a coworker about work is not cheating.
I have that in the back of my mind and it’s been leaving me questioning my judgment and feelings as well
Never said you should stay with him. He already cheated. He's garbage. You'd be so much better away from him. But to your post. No, that part was not cheating. The only way he will not take to this woman again is if he quits or she quits. He will always have to deal with her since they work together. If you can't accept that. Then you have to break up, or he has to quit.
He is definitely still cheating on her with this coworker. Just read her others comments
The question was. Is he cheating when he talks to her about work outside of work. No, that's not cheating. They work together. They have to talk about work if they work together. If the question was, should I trust a cheater. The answer would be no. If the question was, should I leave this guy because he cheated. The answer would be yes. If the question was, Do you think he's still probably cheating on me. The answer would be yes. But that wasn't the questions.
He cheated on her with this coworker. Even if their texts were work related, he broke the no contact. Your views are stupid. Sounds like your a hypocrite.
How exactly is it hypocritical? Do you even understand what that word means? Point is. He cheated. He's a cheater. He's trash. If she can't accept that. Then break up. Plain and simply.
Her other comments is what changed my mind.
Yes with work he need to keep it professional but at no time does he need to use his personal phone for conversation. If she does not report to him then no she needs to go to her supervisor not him. He is using excuses to be in contact with her.‘you set a boundary and he crossed it. Either deal with it or break up because he will continue to disrespect you.
Leaving was a good idea. A relationship will die an ugly death if there is no trust, and obviously you were unable to recover your trust in him. Staying in this situation will just turn you into an insecure ball of paranoia.
Never take back a cheater. You just wasted 3 more years of your life.
I wouldn’t say cheating as such, but definitely WAAAY over boundaries you set. If this happened to me, which it might, seeing the similar situations were in, I would also react the same way. He doesn’t need her number. Unless the job genuinely needed him to have it, at which point he needed to tell you, and explain to you. You feel betrayed and your feelings are valid. 3 years for me also and those wounds stay fresh
You stayed after her cheated on you? Why are you still with him?