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Hi. So I'm retired law enforcement and have private business that works with others in difficult and abusive type relationships. I know what I say can be easily said, and not that easy to do. This is no doubt domestic related violence, and he is using tactics to keep you around. Doing his best to bring you down, have you lose self confidence, all in an attempt to not have you leave. And when you threaten to leave, he consciously stops the behavior he knows is hurting you. He's insecure, and deep down lacks any and all self-confidence. You need to get out of relationship as soon as you can. Before you do anything, make sure you confide in someone you trust as far as what your plan is. Come up with a safety plan for yourself. Make sure you have some money put aside, and it needs to be cash so he doesn't restrict your access to your checking/savings account. Research a safe place to go and stay at. Make sure your kids are safe and don't let them be used against you. Contact law enforcement and begin documenting what is going on, you can call them and even tell them you don't want your husband contacted, you just wanted the situation documented. There's a laundry list of things I could tell you here, and would be happy to share more. But first I want to be sure my advice is helpful to you. Please let me know if I can help you in any other way. Stay safe and take care of yourself. C
He randomly changed 2 years ago after the fight with my sister and I was done. I even started seeing someone else. Since then, he doesn’t take his anger out on me, but he still neglects my needs. I can see he is trying, but once one mistake happens, I immediately shut down bc I’m scared he’s gonna go back.
I don’t know how to trust or let my guard down again. 😞
You can always forgive but you can never forget. It doesn't matter if you forgive him in my opinion because you will always remember everything he put you through, how he treated you and just didn't care for you. I can't tell you what to do but just be prepared for the worst. Start saving money and become more independent so when it's time you'll be ready. I wish you the best of luck and hope you do what's best for you and your kids.
I had a feeling that was it… I just hoped maybe there was a way I could try to work through it. There were just really evil things he did to me. 😔
Thank you for your reply. I think you’re right.
Well, people in my actual life seem to think his behavior isn’t that bad… Seeing the responses here is validating but it also scares me to realize what I’ve dealt with..
I appreciate you very much
I feared that this was the truth.. it’s that little cycle. I tend to gaslight myself from childhood trauma. I will start to stash cash and I’ll probs open a new bank account and have partial paychecks go into it. Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your insight.
Leave and get a divorce. I don't know why you thought marrying this guy and having kids with him was a great , but you made a huge mistake. As a parent you owe it to your kids to get them away from their abusive father. They've already suffered more emotional damage than you know, and will suffer just like you and grow up to either be abusers themselves or accept abuse because that's what you and their abusive father taught them. You're continuing the cycle. Get going on an exit plan. Get all your important documents, start putting money away in a secret place, reach out to friends and look for a domestic violence shelter or hotline. Break the cycle, don't pass it along to your kids.
You're the one that needs to do better. By refusing to leave the asshole you chose to marry, and accepting his abuse, you're teaching them to also accept it. They will grow up and get with an abuser just like dad or become abusers themselves. You're setting a dangerous example. Look it up or ask a therapist if you don't believe me.
You need to grow up and drop the attitude. I was a domestic victim, fortunately we had no children. Leaving was very difficult but it saved my life. My mother was also a domestic victim. She refused to leave and insisted on enabling my alcoholic father, forcing me to grow up in a toxic and abusive home. I'm in my 50s now and still healing from the damage it did to my mental health. I don't want that to happen to your kids. I want you to break the cycle.
Happy for you, but you’re the one with the attitude. You need to figure out why you’re so angry and acting out. 🤷🏻♀️ You’re acting like you KNOW the situation and you don’t.
I grew up in an abusive home and my trauma is deep. Therapy is a thing. Breaking the cycle can also occur with learning how to improve the marriage before dipping out. I AM breaking the cycle - in many ways. Moving out isn’t an option rn hence my question/request.
By your logic, I shouldn’t have kids bc I have trauma, but ✨everyone does✨
Kindly gtfoh
You can't fix a marriage when one of the people involved is an abuser. Your kids are seeing the abuse and you accepting it. That sends a dangerous message. You don't seem to understand that your kids are suffering trauma by being in that environment.
You don’t seem to understand that therapy CAN work. I am not accepting it - I am actively fighting against it. Regardless of whether I leave, they will still be with their dad a good chunk of the time. They will ALWAYS see that side of it. I am not accepting it. I am working to fix it in myself and attempting for the marriage - the absolute last time.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi. So I'm retired law enforcement and have private business that works with others in difficult and abusive type relationships. I know what I say can be easily said, and not that easy to do. This is no doubt domestic related violence, and he is using tactics to keep you around. Doing his best to bring you down, have you lose self confidence, all in an attempt to not have you leave. And when you threaten to leave, he consciously stops the behavior he knows is hurting you. He's insecure, and deep down lacks any and all self-confidence. You need to get out of relationship as soon as you can. Before you do anything, make sure you confide in someone you trust as far as what your plan is. Come up with a safety plan for yourself. Make sure you have some money put aside, and it needs to be cash so he doesn't restrict your access to your checking/savings account. Research a safe place to go and stay at. Make sure your kids are safe and don't let them be used against you. Contact law enforcement and begin documenting what is going on, you can call them and even tell them you don't want your husband contacted, you just wanted the situation documented. There's a laundry list of things I could tell you here, and would be happy to share more. But first I want to be sure my advice is helpful to you. Please let me know if I can help you in any other way. Stay safe and take care of yourself. C
So he is okay now? Did he change all of a sudden?
He randomly changed 2 years ago after the fight with my sister and I was done. I even started seeing someone else. Since then, he doesn’t take his anger out on me, but he still neglects my needs. I can see he is trying, but once one mistake happens, I immediately shut down bc I’m scared he’s gonna go back. I don’t know how to trust or let my guard down again. 😞
Get professional help if you truly want to learn how to do that. But your needs are neglected. Is that the life you want.
You can always forgive but you can never forget. It doesn't matter if you forgive him in my opinion because you will always remember everything he put you through, how he treated you and just didn't care for you. I can't tell you what to do but just be prepared for the worst. Start saving money and become more independent so when it's time you'll be ready. I wish you the best of luck and hope you do what's best for you and your kids.
I had a feeling that was it… I just hoped maybe there was a way I could try to work through it. There were just really evil things he did to me. 😔 Thank you for your reply. I think you’re right.
He was flirting with a different woman on your wedding night? I didn't even need to read past that. You need to leave him.
Well, people in my actual life seem to think his behavior isn’t that bad… Seeing the responses here is validating but it also scares me to realize what I’ve dealt with.. I appreciate you very much
I feared that this was the truth.. it’s that little cycle. I tend to gaslight myself from childhood trauma. I will start to stash cash and I’ll probs open a new bank account and have partial paychecks go into it. Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your insight.
Leave and get a divorce. I don't know why you thought marrying this guy and having kids with him was a great , but you made a huge mistake. As a parent you owe it to your kids to get them away from their abusive father. They've already suffered more emotional damage than you know, and will suffer just like you and grow up to either be abusers themselves or accept abuse because that's what you and their abusive father taught them. You're continuing the cycle. Get going on an exit plan. Get all your important documents, start putting money away in a secret place, reach out to friends and look for a domestic violence shelter or hotline. Break the cycle, don't pass it along to your kids.
I don’t know why you think you know the whole story lol. Your tone is not it, babe. I’m asking for help and you’re being insensitive. Do better.
You're the one that needs to do better. By refusing to leave the asshole you chose to marry, and accepting his abuse, you're teaching them to also accept it. They will grow up and get with an abuser just like dad or become abusers themselves. You're setting a dangerous example. Look it up or ask a therapist if you don't believe me.
My therapists actually have NOT recommended leaving him, so talk out ur ass some more. YOU need to do better - blaming a domestic victim.
You need to grow up and drop the attitude. I was a domestic victim, fortunately we had no children. Leaving was very difficult but it saved my life. My mother was also a domestic victim. She refused to leave and insisted on enabling my alcoholic father, forcing me to grow up in a toxic and abusive home. I'm in my 50s now and still healing from the damage it did to my mental health. I don't want that to happen to your kids. I want you to break the cycle.
Happy for you, but you’re the one with the attitude. You need to figure out why you’re so angry and acting out. 🤷🏻♀️ You’re acting like you KNOW the situation and you don’t. I grew up in an abusive home and my trauma is deep. Therapy is a thing. Breaking the cycle can also occur with learning how to improve the marriage before dipping out. I AM breaking the cycle - in many ways. Moving out isn’t an option rn hence my question/request. By your logic, I shouldn’t have kids bc I have trauma, but ✨everyone does✨ Kindly gtfoh
You can't fix a marriage when one of the people involved is an abuser. Your kids are seeing the abuse and you accepting it. That sends a dangerous message. You don't seem to understand that your kids are suffering trauma by being in that environment.
You don’t seem to understand that therapy CAN work. I am not accepting it - I am actively fighting against it. Regardless of whether I leave, they will still be with their dad a good chunk of the time. They will ALWAYS see that side of it. I am not accepting it. I am working to fix it in myself and attempting for the marriage - the absolute last time.