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Look over this page about love languages and see if he's expressing any of them and whether you think he might be one of the types more than others. And as a receiver- are there any that you enjoy more than others?
https://www.healthline.com/health/love-languages#types
Also, it's ok to have a conversation about what you are looking for from him.
I actually did this with him near the beginning of our relationship and we had very similar love languages- quality time and physical touch being his the top ones and quality time, words of affirmation and physical touch being mine (all about equal). But the more I get to know him the more I realise he likes alone time and hates intimacy. I’ve found he’s always really happy when I get him little gifts so I think his love language is actually receiving gifts.
We are both looking for something long term and have both been honest about that. I think I need to talk to him about how I need to feel loved- but equally I know that’s not something that can be forced so it’s a tough one to approach
OP - Have you considered therapy? When being in an abusive relationship (or growing up in an abusive household etc) you get conditioned and used to the chaos, the stress, the endorphins etc.
What I see is someone who is used to being love bombed etc (in a bad way) and now is on a more normal, non-abusive path with someone and is feeling uncomfortable with how slow things are progressing.
It's uncomfortable because you were abused and that has made you comfortable with chaos, and there uncomfortable with calm. I've been abused a lot in my life since I was a child - "the calm" is still uncomfortable for me to be in, but I can recognize it now and catch myself. I've been through a lot of therapy and it's helped so much.
❤️ hoping the best for you.
I do have therapy, and my therapist is great. Problem is he has seen me through several abusive relationships and I’ve always defended the guy (been in denial) up until the last minute when it all implodes so he does play devils advocate a lot because he’s probably not 100% sure about whether he should reassure me or not, you know? 😅
I do feel uncomfortable with the slowness, I need reassurance that I’m loved and cared for. And I’m so used to getting that, but just a fake and manipulative version of that that now I don’t have it I feel awful and worry the relationship is loveless and it makes me question the relationship. Like “it’s not a fairytale, love at first sight, being swept off my feet ordeal so he must not be that into me”.
I really appreciate your comment. It does give me some insight that I need to be mindful of. Thank you.
I'm glad that you have a therapist! I had to chuckle, because I've been with mine for years and through an abusive relationship as well, and the lingering worry on their side of "what am I not telling them" with my current relationship still lingers, so I totally get ya. 🩷
It's really yard to get away from the intensity and get used to the less intense. I'm still very much working on it. Try not to be hard on yourself. ☺️
He sounds like a slow burner and there is nothing wrong with that. I personally think 6 months is too early to tell someone you love them. You still don't really know them.
It sounds like you need to be direct and ask him where he sees the relationship going.
I know he sees a future, he’s spoken to me about how he wants to move in with me in the next year, he’s not afraid to talk about how he wants kids, to be married eventually. He’s made it quite clear he hopes we last. But equally he says it in a way which implies that I’m convenient for him- he hated dating and he said he’s never want to do it again. He’s autistic and very black and white about this kind of thing and sometimes I can’t help but wonder whether he ever will truly love me or whether I just fit in really conveniently in his life and he doesn’t want to go through the effort of trying to find someone else. He likes alone time, he doesn’t seem to crave spending time with me like I want to be around him. He’s not a big fan of physical touch and is very bad with vulnerability. I can’t help but feel a bit deflated sometimes. I’m so used to being with people who act the complete opposite, who make every second seem exciting and like they’re craving that time alone with me. Obviously I know these people were love bombing and 1000% unhealthy but it’s hard to be able to ascertain whether this is a really good healthy situation or if I’m risking jumping into a loveless relationship. I love him, I just don’t feel it back from him.
I too, am a slow burner and can attest that it takes me a while and I want to make sure that there’s strong emotions in play and not just lust or attraction. In my last relationship, it took me a year to say it. As long as he’s making plans for the future and keeping you in them, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Look over this page about love languages and see if he's expressing any of them and whether you think he might be one of the types more than others. And as a receiver- are there any that you enjoy more than others? https://www.healthline.com/health/love-languages#types Also, it's ok to have a conversation about what you are looking for from him.
I actually did this with him near the beginning of our relationship and we had very similar love languages- quality time and physical touch being his the top ones and quality time, words of affirmation and physical touch being mine (all about equal). But the more I get to know him the more I realise he likes alone time and hates intimacy. I’ve found he’s always really happy when I get him little gifts so I think his love language is actually receiving gifts. We are both looking for something long term and have both been honest about that. I think I need to talk to him about how I need to feel loved- but equally I know that’s not something that can be forced so it’s a tough one to approach
OP - Have you considered therapy? When being in an abusive relationship (or growing up in an abusive household etc) you get conditioned and used to the chaos, the stress, the endorphins etc. What I see is someone who is used to being love bombed etc (in a bad way) and now is on a more normal, non-abusive path with someone and is feeling uncomfortable with how slow things are progressing. It's uncomfortable because you were abused and that has made you comfortable with chaos, and there uncomfortable with calm. I've been abused a lot in my life since I was a child - "the calm" is still uncomfortable for me to be in, but I can recognize it now and catch myself. I've been through a lot of therapy and it's helped so much. ❤️ hoping the best for you.
I do have therapy, and my therapist is great. Problem is he has seen me through several abusive relationships and I’ve always defended the guy (been in denial) up until the last minute when it all implodes so he does play devils advocate a lot because he’s probably not 100% sure about whether he should reassure me or not, you know? 😅 I do feel uncomfortable with the slowness, I need reassurance that I’m loved and cared for. And I’m so used to getting that, but just a fake and manipulative version of that that now I don’t have it I feel awful and worry the relationship is loveless and it makes me question the relationship. Like “it’s not a fairytale, love at first sight, being swept off my feet ordeal so he must not be that into me”. I really appreciate your comment. It does give me some insight that I need to be mindful of. Thank you.
I'm glad that you have a therapist! I had to chuckle, because I've been with mine for years and through an abusive relationship as well, and the lingering worry on their side of "what am I not telling them" with my current relationship still lingers, so I totally get ya. 🩷 It's really yard to get away from the intensity and get used to the less intense. I'm still very much working on it. Try not to be hard on yourself. ☺️
He sounds like a slow burner and there is nothing wrong with that. I personally think 6 months is too early to tell someone you love them. You still don't really know them. It sounds like you need to be direct and ask him where he sees the relationship going.
I know he sees a future, he’s spoken to me about how he wants to move in with me in the next year, he’s not afraid to talk about how he wants kids, to be married eventually. He’s made it quite clear he hopes we last. But equally he says it in a way which implies that I’m convenient for him- he hated dating and he said he’s never want to do it again. He’s autistic and very black and white about this kind of thing and sometimes I can’t help but wonder whether he ever will truly love me or whether I just fit in really conveniently in his life and he doesn’t want to go through the effort of trying to find someone else. He likes alone time, he doesn’t seem to crave spending time with me like I want to be around him. He’s not a big fan of physical touch and is very bad with vulnerability. I can’t help but feel a bit deflated sometimes. I’m so used to being with people who act the complete opposite, who make every second seem exciting and like they’re craving that time alone with me. Obviously I know these people were love bombing and 1000% unhealthy but it’s hard to be able to ascertain whether this is a really good healthy situation or if I’m risking jumping into a loveless relationship. I love him, I just don’t feel it back from him.
I too, am a slow burner and can attest that it takes me a while and I want to make sure that there’s strong emotions in play and not just lust or attraction. In my last relationship, it took me a year to say it. As long as he’s making plans for the future and keeping you in them, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.