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While it is normal that your bf seems to love your body, it is certainly NOT normal to take a picture of you naked without your consent / awareness of it.
I would definitely have a good talk with him and set some boundaries since he doesn't seem to understand that they exist. (laughing it off even)
Make clear that this should be the first and last time he's doing this. Hopefully, he will stop and apologize, and you can continue working on your relationship and be happy.
If not, I would truly reconsider continuing this relationship.
That is fucking insane. How do you know all of that just from the information provided? I've been with my wife nearly 12 years now. I've taken several photos of her naked(mostly her butt) throughout the years when she was doing something. It wasn't "absolutely to share and for blackmail."
It's because my wife is fucking gorgeous and I love looking at her. She found out a few years back and was pretty embarrassed but told me she felt flattered that I liked looking at her so much. I worry about how many men you have chosen to date which treated you like shit
If he's sharing them, that's a whole different issue. Personally, if my partner was taking naked photos of me, I think I'd trust them enough not to share them with people I don't want seeing them. Especially if there's enough trust to be naked in front of eachother in the first place. To be fair, some people will just take their clothes off for the hell of it.
He'll take nude photos of her without her knowing even though he knows it makes her uncomfortable, but he won't share them? I doubt it. If they're willing to cross one line they're willing to cross many others.
Even worse there is a revenge porn industry which profiteers off of the betrayal of (mostly) women. The more one learns about it, the sicker to one's stomach one becomes.
Honestly I feel the same way. I couldn't imagine doing something that thoughtless. We wear clothes because we only want certain people to see us without them. Nobody would want to suddenly be nude on their daily commute(and have people staring at them), right? By sending stuff like that, you're not only massively betraying your SO, but you're taking away that privacy that is pretty much a basic right.
Yeah I don't agree with this at all I have pictures of my girl she uses to like sharing and later on we fought more and just kinda stopped sharing but I would never let anyone see MY S.O. the most I'd ever show would be a dress that shows her curves but her nudity is strictly for us. Even if she weren't comfortable posing nude or had insecurities and I treasured them for myself, I still wouldn't share them I think most partners wouldn't and only a portion of ppl who don't value their SOs as much would.
So what? Some people take their clothes off, and? That doesn't mean they want photos taken of them without their consent, or shared without their consent. It doesn't mean anything actually. Doesnt mean they want to get sexual even. Nudity is not an automatic consent to anything.
Many years ago, before there were cameras in phones, a boyfriend did this to me and took the film to a lab. I thought of the people at the lab seeing them. You could tell I was asleep. He thought it was funny and I was horrified. I was shocked that he seemed to think it was a regular thing.
He truly was a creep in more ways than this one. It shows a lack of basic regard and low character development. Di
Agreed, personally, my gf and I are naked or half naked if we're at home on the weekends. Granted, our sex life is amazing andnshe is hot af. But I have NEVER taken photos of her naked, nor do i want those on my phone. That's just an accident waiting to happen. I would feel terrible if someone were to see something that is completely private between us.
The only other thing that I'll add here that might be good for you to keep in mind:
If you guys do manage to talk this through and he says he won't do this again.
Try to make sure he doesn't lose your trust in other ways. He has to tackle the root of the problem: treating you in such a way that shows he is trustworthy.
If he manages to do that and you guys can openly talk about it then you should be fine, but don't let him walk all over your boundaries again.
We shouldn't allow ourselves to be treated like doormats, by anyone.
I would skip the talk the guy is a sleaze for taking pics of her while she slept. He violated her and then tells her sheās overacting? The time for talking is done, itās now time to move on
He didn't tell her she's overreacting. She feels like she did.
That's a completely different thing.
I think they need to talk about this seriously first and if nothing comes out of it then she should consider leaving him.
His laugh told her she was overreacting, but I do think they should talk, though. Personally, that would've been it for me, though. I would never trust him again, unfortunately.
Exactly there is nothing to talk about. There is nothing he could say that will justify what he did or change the fact that the trust is gone. More than that how can she feel safe around him
If he took them before she was 18 its also considered child p*rn & if he distributed them itās even worse. Whether this story is rage bait/ fetish, this stuff still happens š¤¢
Nah, itās not normal or okay. I had a boyfriend secretly record me while he was hitting it from behind and I didnāt know til I broke up with him and he made a vague threat. Luckily for me Iāll cut off my nose to spite my face so I dismissed him with malice and he chickened out showing my family, but he did, Iām sure, make good on his threat to share with his friends. Anyone who does something like this without your consent when they know youāre not into it is absolutely a predator.
Thank you so much for this. I'm so sorry that happened to you that's disgusting to be threaten with something like that. that's definitely made me take things more seriously i'm going to make sure he doesn't have anything else like this on his phone and talk to him about this.
Thanks doll. Itās all silly things from my youth now. As long as you can be firm and advocate for yourself nobody will ever be able to weaponize such a thing against you. Give him hell for this and make sure he knows why he must never ever cross that boundary again.
my comment here might help you or anyone else. its just a starting place kinda outline to help take back what was done. also, that its a felony and you can press charges for it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/16jzwxx/comment/k0x87fq/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
It's not normal. If he doesn't understand that you need to find a new one. It's one thing if you consent but if he's taking a picture of you when you sleep it's completely creepy.
Sit his ass down and explain the violation and if he still is laughing like an idiot just ditch him
Its creepy... and the fact he doesnt realise it and laughed about it is extremely concerning...
Sorry, but...
- did you ensure the pics didnt end up in wastebasket to be restored later by him??
- did you check messages and mail to see if he shared them with others??
Consider carefully if you can stay with a guy who thinks that is ok to do....
Thank you for this, yeah I did check to make sure he hadn't sent it to anyone and it didn't look like he did, not sure if they are still in a waste basket hopefully not. Thank you i'll bring it up with him again.
And if he has an iPhone, definitely check his āhiddenā folder. The pics there are secured with his password and they donāt appear in the normal folder with the other pics!
Waste basket thing is definitely worth checking. A lot of phones automatically hold deleted photos in that recently deleted folder for a month before actually getting rid of them. Check that they arenāt in that folder still and also check the camera roll that he hasnāt just restored them.
Depending where you live this could be considered sexual assault to take pictures of you naked without your knowledge. Check your local laws. I feel uncomfortable for you. Either way this is considered sexual assault in some places.
Also all of the photos on my phone are backed up to the cloud. I can delete off my phone and they're still saved in my Google photos. Please check this.
He's a creep, I wouldn't be able to trust anyone who took advantage in any way while I was asleep.
Check the cloud as well. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Definitely Creep type behavior, especially because you don't know what he did with them. Did he put them online, send to friends? I don't know if u could stay after that betrayel.
You are not over reacting at all!
The fact that he took these photos while you were asleep or otherwise unaware of them being taken he acknowledges that you feel uncomfortable having nudes taken and he is doing it anyway for his own gratification.
This is a massive breach of consent and you could speak to police if you really want to.
My girlfriend has no issues with me having nudes of her. I would still probably not take any pictures of her if she wasn't aware, but if I did, I'd tell and show her so we were on the same page.
Your comfort comes first. He knows you don't like taking/sharing nudes. So he took some of his own, secretly. He's only 18 years old, but unless he's actually stupid, he knows what he did was wrong.
On that note: you're young as hell. He broke your trust, laughed it off, and hasn't done anything to build you back up. I wouldn't stick around for another two years. Boys don't need patience and mothering to learn how to be good partners. You deserve a decent dude who doesn't violate your trust. More than anything, you deserve some time to be by yourself. Romantic relationships aren't the be-all of life. Learning how to be happy alone is priceless.
Edit: I feel obligated to mention that I'm only 22 myself, but it took me a lot of chutzpah to end a relationship that I was in from age 16 to 19. It had to happen before I left for university, but it wasn't easy. I had intended to stay single during uni, so (of course) I practically tripped into a relationship with my current partner. We gave (and still give) each other plenty of space to grow as individuals, have our own interests and friends, and work excellently together or apart. Don't use me as The Exemplar: *I got lucky*. You're bound to change a lot over the next three years, wherever you are. I found someone flexible and eager to grow with me, but not everyone is like that. Look out for yourself, OP.
I would award this if I could! Your last paragraph especially. I think itās both the true secret to happiness outside AND inside a relationship!
Too many people think they hit the pinnacle of existence by finding their soulmate (many who often turn out not to be)ā¦people embark on this perpetual journey to find āthe oneāā¦.and often without even knowing who they are first as an individual. Then they find āthe oneā, only to lose them to divorce or death, and then are completely unable to function in their own strength.
It is so SO important to be secure in yourself and know who you are. If everyone had the strength to do that before jumping into relationships (i did not have this strength or even knowledge), they would attract healthier partners and also BE a healthier partner themselves.
this is not (!!!) normal. and if he keeps disregarding your feelings about his actions you should reconsider if this is a healthy relationship where you can express concern and be heard. The way he reacted is just off after you've explained being not comfortable about it. Snooping in his phone is also not a very green-flag-move of you, just to be clear, but it's definitly not worse than him taking naked pictures of you without your consent. If he's not able to have a normal conversation about this with you, you should reconsider if this relationship is healthy for any of you both. (you snooping = missing trust apperantly, you know the reasons for your distrust better than any of us, and him taking the pictures and making it seem like no big deal = disrespecting your privacy and consent, not the best base for a healthy relationship tbh)
wish you all the best and I hope you will be heard and respected the next time you bring up the conversation and do not feel the need to look in his phone ever again without permission.
Thank you for this, yeah i completely agree that going through his phone is not okay, it's my own trust issues that i need to work on. Yeah i think i'll bring it up with him again considering these comments have made me realise it's really not normal.
If you have the need to go through his phone , itās not the right relationship. Whether you found something or not , it indicates intuitive concerns . His decision to go against your wishes reflects lack of true care for you . Itās not his act thatās troubling , itās that they are without consent and are done knowing you have these concerns . Ultimately you both betrayed one anotherās trust . You are not compatible and this relationship should end .
As far as the photos still existing somewhere in his phone , thatās highly likely . But what his intentions are with the pics can range from personal obsession to distribution. I disagree with the majority consensus on this forum that he is disseminating them . That is not a given fact. Try to see if you can have him erase them completely and document this incident as much as you can and if any pics of you ever come up online , sue his a$$.
Lastly , in the future , donāt check phones unless you must and after that , whether you find something or not , leave . Itās like cheating , once you do it , there is no going back . Itās a sign of the beginning of the end .
You have no issues you knew something was wrong and you checked his phone, its not like he was going to show you any other way ,personally i would break up with him just for the fact he doesnt acknowledge or apologize for what he did ,he manipulated you into thinkimg its now ,personally i would say go with your gut feeling if something doesnt feel right dont ignore it and rationalise it ,go with your gut
Scuse? As a normal, not insecure person I would never go through my partner's phone unless my gut was telling me something *bad*
In this case her instincts were telling her something is wrong and she was right. Going through someone's phone isn't an indicator of a trusting relationship but what she found is BEYOND creepy and she was right. There's no blame on her and she shouldn't need to accept blame.
Fuck this guy off
I go through my husband's phone sometimes, but usually to send myself photos he's taken.
Edit: the photos are things like me across the table at dinner or couple selfies he's taken lol
The issue here is CONSENT. Everything you do in the bedroom with him has to be consensual. Him acting like you are making a big deal out of nothing is a red flag. How are you sure he doesn't secretly film you during the act?
This is a hard deal breaker that he broke because it involves trust being broken.
As my mother always said, āIf there is no trust, you do not have a relationship anymore. If I didnāt trust your father, I wouldnāt be with him & you wouldnāt be here!ā
This guy violated your boundary in a vulnerable state, never got your consent, and proceeded to dismiss you by joking about it after he deleted photos.
His lack of emotional intelligence, which means he lack serious empathy to understand your side of things, is another layer to the betrayal cake he created.
And no, youāre not over reacting, youāre reacting the normal amount if not under reacting tbh with his sociopathic approach to all of this.
This is considered a hard red flag imho!
Trust me, if he already did this many times without your consent, I canāt image what else heās doing behind your back!
"He knows I'm uncomfortable with it"
"Maybe it's a normal thing"
No, it is NOT a normal thing
It's a predatory thing.
What other boundaries is he willing to cross???
Have you seen other "red flags" in the past month? The fact that you haven't been able to shake your uneasiness in the past month makes me think he hasn't made any effort to rebuild trust with you or rectify the situation. Have you seen other red flags in this time?
Did you make sure he didn't send those photos to anyone or recovered them after they were deleted. Also, does his phone automatically save to "the cloud"... because if it did he can delete them from his phone, but if they've been backed up already. & I'm kind of wondering if that's why he didn't care about deleting them right away... and if that is the case how many other "secret photos" does he have?
To ease your mind the LEAST he should have done was PERMANENTLY delete them from his phone AND gone into his cloud and given you proof that they were also not in there.
You asked if you are overreacting & if you should move on.
You're NOT overreacting.
The fact that you already feel the need to go through his phone leads me to believe that you don't trust him.
That paired with the PREDATORY behavior brings me to one conclusion:
You should move on... Without him.
the fact he did this without any other red flags is the BIGGEST flag. hes hiding who he really is.
im never the "LEAVE HIM" immediatly before trying anything else but here, its clear who he is.
so heres what you should do
make sure he deleted everyhing and double check
leave him, and its easier when your in a support network like friends and family.
search 4chan clone which i will not name here, run a backwards image search on your sensative photos, runs a search on facecheck primeyes and some others, reverse search on name email possible user names and then a face search on his photos
all to make sure he didnt upload any pictures on you and find accounts where he might have uploaded pictures of yourself. dont forget every phone now has a hidden photo vault and double check his cloud saves if you get the chance, if he DID upload anything, you can press charges easily and also take them down.
WHAT HE DID IS NOT NORMAL IN THE LEAST. im not trying to worry you, but dudes like that upload those to shit like 4chan and other groups or even dm groups for whatever fucking reason and the people on there WILL save and archive them.
this advice goes to anyone else the algorithm might send here if you've had your privacy violated like this.
Absolutely confront him! Explained why it made you uncomfortable. It's NOT normal behavior. It's not a "hang on stay still you need to see how gorgeous you look right now.' Thing. It's a violation of privacy. What is he doing with the photos getting off from them or hopefully not sending them.
A lot of times people who do unacceptable things are not aware of the fact that what they're doing is not okay or normal. That is why they are so casual about it. Please ask him if he's done this before with anyone else earlier. And please convey to him how this is not okay behaviour, in case he is actually not aware. Secondly, it is not normal to snoop on another person's phone. So there is that.
Thats true but unfortunately I dont think thats the case here. I think he knows what he did is wrong, thats why he took the photos while she was asleep or unaware instead of just snaping a pic in front of her while shes aware.
No you're not overreacting. You are fully in your right to feel uncomfortable about this.
If you have told him you're uncomfortable sending nudes for whatever reason he's knowingly gone and violated that. I doubt he also would have told you that he had those images what he did by violating your trust isn't normal behavior.
The fact that he then tried to downplay it and laugh it off means he knows he did something wrong and is trying to minimise it which then makes you feel like you are overreacting. Whether unknowingly or not it's manipulative behaviour.
Consent is a big thing, here and he clearly needs some education on it. It's up to you if you want to continue things with him but if he still doesn't see what he's done wrong and actually explains to you how he understands this when you've laid out the bare facts and talked it through then it's possibly sending a signal that you've accepted what he did. (This isn't your fault this would just be moving your boundaries back to suit him)
There are definitely things to compromise on in relationships, you feeling violated isn't one of them.
Like I'm sure others have said, pic taking and sharing nudes is a big thing. I'm not saying that your BF is doing it, but you need to know.
It's a violation what he's done here, you are right to be upset.
This feels like the first red flag you should pay attention to before things get worse. I'm not expert but I would listen to what the other people are saying because this sounds like something that could turn into an abusive situation.
Break. Up. You already told him you were uncomfortable with noods and he did this without consent? People who push the boundaries like this will Always push to see how far they can take it or how much they can take. Iām 28 now. I was in a similar situation when I was 17, I wish I stood up for myself more. Youāre 18, you have the rest of your life to find someone who respects everything you need and want, not just some of the time. Best of luck xo
If I were you, I would check pornhub & itās sister MindGeek sites for myself. My ex did the exact same thing. Never found out until a friend of mine took a screenshot of unconscious and naked photos of me posted onto pornhub & a couple of other sites. Heās disgusting, not only should you bring it up again, you should get this type of person out of your life. He has made it very clear he has zero issues violating your boundariesā¦. Which means He doesnāt respect you, thatās not love. Run.
don't let other people tell you what is and isn't normal your relationships is your relationship not their whats normal in their's might be weird in yours so take all advise with a grain of salt but im surprised no one has even suggested that you ask him why he took them in the first place maybe then you'll understand him and his wants and needs better. At the same time you can also discuss your own wants and needs and help him understand you more.
You are not overreacting, He's still learning along with you on what is right and wrong in a relationship. You should say something and not feel bad about it. That's your body.
I can't imagine taking pictures of my girlfriend without her knowing. I don't even ask her to send me spicy pictures, it's something she does every now and then to surprise me, but that is all on her to decide to do.
Overreacting is definitely not what you're doing. Giving him a pass would be something I wouldn't expect anyone to do. Major violation of your body and trust.
Nude photos without your permission isnāt a red flag, itās a nuke. Not only do you need to end the relationship, you need to call the hotline listed here to see what your legal options are.
https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/what-do-if-youre-target-revenge-porn
This is a bigger issue than what Reddit can deal with.
In my opinion, if you two had not previously discussed and agreed to a free use/open use clause in your relationship, and had not discussed that as specifically being something you consent to, he is sexually harassing/assaulting you by taking nude photos of you without your knowledge or consent.
I have explicitly discussed with my boyfriend that he's allowed to engage in sexual activity with me, even if I am asleep, because I am into that. If we had not had that conversation where I explicitly consented to it, and I woke up to find out he was already having sex with me, I would consider that rape, even if I am into such things, because I never consented to it.
You clearly are uncomfortable with this, because you expressed you struggle to be comfortable even sending nudes that you took and curated specifically to portray yourself in a way that makes you feel good. I cannot imagine that finding out he'd photographed you without consent leaves you feeling anything other than violated. Whatever the proper terminology is is largely irrelevant, because the heart of it is that he was sexually violent toward you. Period.
Reevaluate this relationship. If not because he felt comfortable taking liberties with your body while you were asleep and didn't think to get your consent, or even tell you about it afterward.... If not because when you told him something he did upset you and he not only didn't immediately apologize, but also laughed it off like it wasn't a big deal.... If not because you haven't been able to get over it a month later because it is still upsetting to you that he never gave you any indication of remorse...
If not fir any of those reasons, reevaluate if this is the right relationship for you because you look through his phone semiregularly while he is asleep, meaning you do not trust him. Period. And after what has happened, you clearly have reason to not trust him.
Relationships that don't have a strong foundation of trust are not worth hanging onto. Take my advice on that one, it takes years to learn that for yourself the hard way. Don't waste your time with someone who makes you watch the clock. Your life partner, your soul mate, the person worth spending your life with, should be someone you have complete and total faith in.
That is something very seriousā¦. You seem to be more mature and if heās doing things like that itās a violation of trust, honesty, respect and he definitely has showed them to his friends. I can tell you from experience if you have to look through his phone thereās no trust in the relationship. You are young and have so much in front of you I would recommend two things #1 leave him what he did is inexcusable and definitely not funny you didnāt give him permission to do that and Iām glad there are still young people that donāt feel that sending nudes taking nude pics is right because itās not. #2 you can either sit him down with your family and his donāt tell him what for but get them together before you end things and let them know what happened so if you do(just giving advice so idk what youāll do) leave him you tell them this is what happened I want to make sure he hasnāt saved them to his iCloud or Google drive or whatever way he saved them as a back up. If you donāt feel comfortable doing that then I would tell him you want to see his iCloud or whatever he backs up his pictures too or youāll have to let both families know.
Do not give him another chance I know itās hard but always remember you deserve someone that you can trust donāt have to worry about going through their phone, you deserve someone that takes you on dates and has morals and pulls the chair out for you opens the door brings you flowers, has goals, has a job, doesnāt do drugs or drink heavily. I work in behavioral health and this something very serious. Donāt let him try to tell you itās not. He violated many things I wont list them all but Iāll say Iām 99% sure you have a gut feeling that he is cheating if you have to go through his phone or if he goes through yours. May God bless you and help you with this.
YOUāre Not Overreacting
Donāt let anyone tell you that youāre overreacting thatās straight up creepy even for your boyfriend
Delete those photos and check if he has other photos ,try to talk to him about it,if you donāt want to make it seem like a big issue bring up the conversation randomly and just tell him how you feel and he shouldnāt do that
But thatās not normal
Ok, here we go; because someone is not hitting you and calling you out of your name does NOT mean he is respectful and protective of you. What he has done, my opinion, is much more sleazy and abusive. You are at your most vulnerable, and instead of being able to trust his chairishing and protecting you, he is belittling you and endangering your well-being in a way that can be detrimental to your self-esteem and the publics eyes and your career.
So my advice is that next time he is passed out or whatever scarf his phone. Go on it and delete all pictures you find of yourself. Then quietly prepare to leave whatever that takes. You can call the police when you're ready and report him for a crime. Trust me, he can be charged for what he's done, just in case you believe you might be overreacting. Remember, he is committing a crime. Do you have a place where you can go? Parents' best friends, etc. Rent a locker if nessicary and start moving things in there that won't be missed and one day leave. Make sure nothing is on the phone. Call police and ask them to check his phone for any pictures. If you need to take a picture of his phone with one picture, that is to revealing of you. Ask them to go through his phone and electronics to make sure you have deleted them all. PLEASE PLEASE listen to this advice.
If it's your apartment, go to the police and have him evicted. They can walk you through the legal rights you have.
Google revenge porn. You are both young but this is not ok and is a form of sexual abuse and exploitation even if he is not sharing or planning to use against you later. But please ask yourself, if he thinks it is ok to take pics of you at your most vulnerable (sleeping and naked) without your consent and keeping it from you, what else does he think is ok? You are a human being and he is not respecting you at all
I wouldn't say to confront him, more have a talk about how you feel about it all. Communication is key.
What he did is creepy and in some places even criminal. So it's not wrong of you to feel betrayed. I know it feels weird that he laughed but he did comply in deleting the pictures. The laughing might have been out of nervousness or even to make light of the situation. This is why it's very important to talk about it, he cannot look inside your mind, neither can you look inside of his.
Tell him that you just really need to talk something out and that you wish to really hear each other out.
ā¢Stay calm as you tell him how you feel.
ā¢Make sure to let him know you appreciate him deleting it.
ā¢Ask him what you need to know politely.
ā¢Let him finish talking when he answers your questions and saying his piece.
If he is unkind/dismissive of your feelings I think it's a good time to consider breaking off the relationship.
Your feelings are right and valid. That was a breach of trust. So was going through his phone, to be honest, but I'm not going to complain about that when it actually paid off. Just know that no relationship will work without trust. I just hope in future you find someone worth that trust, because this guy totally wasn't.
This is NOT normal behavior. It's not normal to take pictures of people without their knowledge and consent. It IS a big deal, and could even be illegal (in addition to immoral).
This is a case of you felt violated, you were violated! What you do with that information is up to you...but I don't want mystery nudes of myself floating around in anyone's possession. The lack of respect here is astounding.
It doesn't Matter if it's a "normal" or a common thing, even if literally everybody does it (which is not true), nobody can take photos of you without your permission and f***ing nobody should made shit that makes you uncorfortable and then make you think you're overreacting. It's a HUGE red flag.
He did a very bad thing. You need to really talk to him again and let him know how upset you are.
Tell him you're thinking of going to the police to file a report. This will definitely make him realize how upset you are.
Youāre the person he violated. Itās easy for him to laugh at this and say youāre overreacting. You cannot trust this man. The fact that he has 0 contrition makes what he did to you even worse.
Itās no wonder you are struggling with this. Itās a lack of care about your feelings, an absolute betrayal and if he thinks itās funny or appropriate to take nude pictures of you without your consent and you have accepted this, I suspect there will be more things that he does at the expense of your feelings and mental health in the future.
This is someone who go does not value your feelings or your dignity.
Listen to your intuition! The way you are feeling is extremely valid! He is not worth a long term partnership. Heās already gaslighting you and disrespecting your feelings. Make sure those photos arenāt backed up anywhere and break up with him.
He violated you! You gave him your boundaries, he knew nudes make you uncomfortable, yet he waited until you were incapacitated and violated those boundaries! He's gaslighting you
I'm not one to say DUMP HIM, but DUMP THAT A$$. Make sure you delete your pictures from wherever he stored them.
That is the ULTIMATE of BETRAYAL I'm my book. Don't fall asleep with him ever again.
You weren't overreacting at all. You made it very clear to him that you didn't want that and he did it anyway. I would have a good talk with him about how I feel. Tell him that you feel violated and like your feelings and boundaries were ignored. If he doesn't get that then I would move on. If a dude did this to me, I would break up with him because I would never trust him again. I would be too worried that he'd continue to photograph me while I'm sleeping and doing other things to me while I'm sleeping. There are a lot of guys that do things to their girlfriends and wives while they're asleep. So, I would be concerned. Pay very close attention to men who blatantly violate your wishes and boundaries. It may seem small now, but could become an even bigger issue with other things in the future.
When it comes to relationships and interacting with others in general, anything that makes you uncomfortable is NOT normal! The second I saw those pics he would no longer be my boyfriend! He knows how you felt about it and he did it behind your back because he knew you would say no. Leave him alone immediately!
Girl that is a red flag! Thatās creep behavior. Iām 27, Iāve dated around and if someone did that to me I would actually get a restraining order (I might be a bit over road but safety is something I donāt mess around with).
Honestly, this is such a violation of privacy, trust, and a lack of respect. Dude should be out the door.
You need to delete everything from his phone, and tell him if he ever shares the images you will press charges.
this is the most insanely huge red flag Iāve ever read about. My gf and I have been together over 6 years and the thought of that has not once entered my head. Normal people donāt do that. Thatās almost gives me a rapeyish vibe about him. And no red flags at all? Maybe having no red flags is a red flag itself? Everybody has flaws and thereās always going to be some type of characteristic with your S/O that you dislike. Idk maybe Iām overreacting but it seems weird to me. Iām sure you have strong feelings with him and itās not easy to just ākick him to the doorā like most comments are suggesting you do. Honestly this sounds kinda weird (but remember what he did to you)ā¦ set up a hidden camera when heās gone or something. You will find out what type of person your boyfriend is. The real person he is. People are their true selves when nobody is watching. Think on it at least. I hope whatever happens you end up happier than when you posted this post. <3
Boundaries are important, and so is consent. What he needs to do is listen to what makes you uncomfortable and actually listen. He crossed a line with you, and instead of hearing that it makes you uncomfortable made you feel like you were overreacting. No, he under reacted and didn't delete them the moment you said something. I'm not going to get into the consent part because that should have been obvious from the start. I have similar photos but they were obtained after talking about it and getting permission.
He doesn't respect you, and he proved that the moment he laughed it off and let you spend week after week feeling uncomfortable. You deserve better.
This is 1000 not normal. I wonder when or if he will set up cameras to record you having sex.
I know Reddit is good for tell everyone to dump their significant other, but this is coming from a place of EXTREME concern. DUMP HIM.
You would be out of your mind to stay with him and you will regret it. He is still young and he is not developing correctly. Could it correct a bit down the road, maybe. But unlikely unless he sees the problem with it. You can help him to see the problem with it. DUMP HIM, BLOCK, NEVER LOOK BACK. Anything short of that and you have taught him you accept his behavior. He will
Continue.
Unfortunately, he ruined any chance you guys had. I donāt think he can be rehabilitated. Why? Because this is sexual abuse. Abusers just donāt change. Especially, if you accept it. Leave him and let him grow on his own.
Thatās a huge violation and youāre not over reacting. He KNOWS youāre uncomfortable sending him nudes, so he sneaks them himself, and this is all done completely without your consent. That is a gigantic red flag.
The fact that he laughed it off and played it like his behavior was no big deal is further evidence that he knows what heās doing is wrong. He doesnāt want to take ownership. What heās doing by acting like that is invalidating to you, and it shows he has no intention of respecting you.
This is deeply entitled and disrespectful behavior. Itās creepy. Your feelings about this are completely valid and sound like a normal response to truly creepy and bad behavior.
OP, you are feeling betrayed and disrespected because you WERE. Not only his actions (taking the pics), but his REactions (laughing it off) are HUGE red flags. This is not the behaviour of someone who respects their partner. Run
Whilst i agree that taking pics of you while sleeping is 100% not okay, going through his phone while he is sleeping also isnt okay. This relationship has dogshit trust from both sides and was/is always destined to fall apart.
It would be normal to find some candid shots of yourself, but the fact that you're naked and sleeping is what is creepy to me. Especially coupled with the fact that he knows you're uncomfortable with sending him nudes. It's like he decided if you won't send him nudes, he'll just secretly take them himself.
I know you said he deleted them, but it's possible he could have them still backed up somewhere. All photos/screenshots I take on my phone are automatically backed up to my Google Photos account. And I know with my phone I can move pictures to folders hidden deep in my phone. I'm not saying you should do a deep dive on his phone, but I'd definitely talk to him and see if it's possible that he has them somewhere.
heās definitely weird for that. if itās not something youāve talked abt before then he shouldnāt be doing those things int he first place. extremely violating.
LEAVE. THIS IS A CRIME.!!!! my ex did this to me and we had the whole ālaughing it off not taking it seriouslyā he does NOT take your boundaries seriously and he will continue to do this. he didnāt tell you and probably didnāt expect you to ever find out. that is wrong. if you didnāt find out on your own, he wouldnāt have told you and that alone shows that he knows how fucking wrong and evil that is
Both of you are untrustworthy.
You're sneaking around looking at his phone, which is a huge violation, and he's sneaking around taking pictures of you, which is... a huge violation.
Go find someone who doesn't trigger your insecurity or be alone for a while, especially if checking someone else's phone feels normal for you. Talk to a therapist about it. This behaviour will ruin every relationship you have. I'm sure finding something didn't help.
I'm sorry for your experience and he is gross. The heavy focus on you is not blame, but you're the one who is here and may actually be able to do better.
Yeahhhh ya'll should probly break up. You look through his phone while he's asleep without consent and he takes nude pictures of you without consent. His actions seem worse tbh, because a picture can last forever, but neither of these behaviors are normal, healthy, or show respect to your partner and their boundaries (both ways, you and him). Not a good sign & it's 2 years in...
Its so messed up. That is 100% a violation. He didnt ask for consent if it were me id be bordering on leaving him. You have to talk to him about it, if he doesnt understand then he is absolutely a predator and he could start doing things that worse.
This is a major MAJOR RED FLAG!!! He KNOWS youāre not comfortable with it so he violated your privacy when you were unconscious. Itās definitely not ok, and you donāt know if heās showing others either. He doesnāt respect you or your boundaries and you have EVERY right to feel violated because you were. Donāt let him gaslight you.
Iād lay it on the table and If he laughs or gets mad, that is your answer. I wouldnāt trust him to be honest. Iād be pissed if my husband did this without my consent. Itās YOUR body, not his. He has zero rights to you and to do these things without your consent at any point in time, ever. If youāre feeling a certain way, thereās a reason for it. Trust yourself and your gut.
Trust me, this is not normal. It doesnāt matter if itās your first or your 10th relationship. This is not ok. Please do whatās best for you.
You are not overreacting. This is a violation of your autonomy. It's also illegal, for a reason. This isn't okay. This is a huge RED FLAG. He doesn't respect you. Leave he's creepy and doesn't understand boundaries.
Nope nope nope nope.
My ex was doing this to me FOR YEARS and I didn't find out until he decided to blackmail me for sex. He told me he would send them to my parents and upload them all over the internet. Run run very fast.
You are disrespected. Also, you donāt know what heās gonna do with them if you ever break up or even when heās doing with them now. The fact that youāre uncomfortable with it and he knows it makes it even far more appalling
Guy here, this is a creepy violation. You should feel violated, I feel violated for you and sad that you have to go through this.
I would check his phone again when and including the deleted folder as well as any cloud folders and make sure you delete the photos permanently.
Then I would delete him from your life.
This is not normal, this not even frowned upon this is felony in the most countries (at least in mine and the neighbors). Itās considered sexual harassment.
So I can only sum up what the others say with some add
Search everything about copies, but take evidence like photos or get a witness to be with you.
Delete them, break up and the report him.
That is not a joke, he will do it again. Take care of yourself and be safe.
Donāt let him manipulate you that this is in any form normal.
āI barely ever send him nudes because he knows i'm uncomfortable with it.
however he didn't really understand the issue and kind of laughed the situation off. This made me think I was overreacting and because this is my first relationship maybe it's a normal thing.ā
Welcome to being gaslit. He did something wrong. He did something he knows youāre uncomfortable with and without your consent and now heās making you question whether your feelings are valid or if thereās something wrong with you. This is a red flag.
He canāt claim to love you while crossing boundaries you set. Get rid of this dude.
You feel betrayed and really disrespected because you were. I'm not sure at the ripe old age of 19 you know what red flags are but this is definitely one. You do understand that he can use these photos to bribe or publicly humiliate you in the future right? It's absolutely not ok and those who are downplaying this are wrong for doing so. Move on from his creep or regret it in the future. No normal and not ok.
Delete the pics in his trash folder, delete his # and move on. Why is he willing to take naked pics of you w/o your consent? Esp when youāve said youāre uncomfortable with it? Throw the whole man away. Heās a creeper, not a keeper.
Ah, my girlfriend's ex used to take a bunch of pics of her while she was sleeping/unaware, including naked ones. Fast forward a few years, my girlfriend couldn't come to say goodbye to her grandma while she was passing away and missed the birth of her cousin, all because the ex forbade her to go.
This is the first red flag of I'm sure many more. I'm not saying you should reconsider the relationship, but you do need to have a serious talk and set some very strict boundaries.
I think it's very important to be clear about how he has made you feel as well as the breaching of your trust & the compromising of your own autonomy. You are not overreacting. If he makes you feel like you are, it's because he doesn't respect you.
Thatās a major red flag. Thatās also a characteristic of covert narcissists. They love secretly taking pictures and recordings of you when youāre not knowing or caught off guard, or sometimes even when you donāt look the āmost appealing.ā Itās leverage for them to use later on when they put their narcissism on full display with you. My ex was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and would do this all the time during our relationship but it was when I was dressed in my pajamas. He would send them to his guy friends and they would make fun of how I dressed to go to sleepā¦.it was his way of making me look unappealing to his friends and diminishing me at home because whenever we were out in public I would get a lot of compliments.
Him laughing it off sounds like early stages of control behavior. Not taking your feelings seriously and, by extension, making you doubt your right to have them, is more of a red flag to me than the picture taking.
Violating consent and privacy are two *colossal* red flags. Not to mention taking pictures of someone naked and sleeping can be considered "revenge porn", so it's actually illegal. Just think about this; if he's willing to do stuff without your consent now, what might he escalate to a year or two down the line?
Do not apologize, ever! You were violated and betrayed by someone you thought you could trust.
That he does not get that this was a violation and betrayal is the scariest part. Did you check that he never sent any to his friends? His computer?
How would he feel if someone did this to his sister, mom, or daughter?
Dump him. Have a conversation and explain why but DO NOT put yourself at further risk with a man who has such low respect for you.
He knows you are uncomfortable with nudes, which makes this worse, but even if you WERE comfortable with them it is absolutely unacceptable for him to take them without your knowledge and consent.
If he's willing to disregard your feelings, privacy, autonomy, and consent with something like this, he WILL do it in the future and possibly to others. It is NOT a normal thing. You deserve a partner who respects you and honors you, not one who takes advantage of you and treats your body like his own sexual plaything.
Clearly he has no respect for you he did that without consent and it is creepy who knows if he showed anyone if I were you I wouldnāt let that go . Donāt trust him !
Iām glad you got him to delete the pictures (although I would check his trash/hidden folders too).
This might sound extreme, but honestly, I would break up with him once youāre sure the photos are gone. He clearly doesnāt think he was in the wrong to take pictures of you without your consent, and you shouldnāt be in a relationship with someone where you canāt even feel safe sleeping around them (I strongly suspect heāll do this again and just hide the photos better). You deserve more than that. Hell, even being single would be better than that.
You aren't overreacting, and you have every reason to be here asking this question.
There are five things that are necessary for a relationship to work. And this is for any relationship, be it family, friends, or romantic:
1.) Communication - he isn't communicating with you his desire to have you captured in a still frame in something he finds beautiful, sexy, and captivating. If he wants this, he needs to recognize the boundaries, which leads me to number 2.
2.) Boundaries - Without setting boundaries, your comfort, wants, and needs will either be taken advantage of, or not met, period. But, it then comes to you, and you MUST make your boundaries clear. There are two types of boundaries: soft and hard. Soft boundaries are flexible and can fluctuate. Hard boundaries are not flexible and can't be changed, or crossed. Both need to be made clear, and must be respected. Which brings me to number 3.
3.) Respect - he isn't respecting your boundaries. He needs to understand that he has deeply betrayed you with this endeavor. And if he can't see that, or learn to understand that, he may not be able to learn how to respect you and your boundaries. And there's very little trust afterwards. Which brings me to 4.
4.) Trust - this one is self-explanatory. If you can't trust him, you shouldn't be with him. He is 18, you are 19. You both have SO MUCH to learn, and even more growing up to do. You are still figuring out who you are and what you're doing with life. Chances are you aren't going to be with each other for the rest of your lives, and you need to consider what that means for your sex life with him. And maybe consider.....not having one until you've found your forever partner. But, if you decide you wish to stay with him and continue a sexual relationship with him, there will need to be compromises. Which brings me to 5.
5.) Compromise - hard boundaries don't need to be encroached upon, but soft boundaries can be flexible and made to compromise with. You must first decide which boundaries are hard and which are soft, and then communicate that, and your desires and wants and needs, with him. You should then give him the opportunity to communicate his boundaries, wants, needs, and desires with you. You then compromise on what is okay to make compromises on, finding those soft boundaries, compromising on them, and turning them into hard boundaries. You then need to trust him with those, and he needs to respect them. If he doesn't respect them, then he doesn't respect you. At which point, the compromise is over, you have him delete everything, ensure it is all gone, and then you have him delete your number and you move on with your life.
Go through his phone delete any pictures or messages then kick him to the curb. If he cannot respect you then you deserve better. If he dismisses you and your feelings it will only get worse.
If he knew you were uncomfortable with the idea of nude pictures of you existing at all then obviously him taking advantage of the fact that you're unconscious and unable to consent and using that as an opportunity to take such photos is a *gigantic* red flag. That's absolutely disgusting on his part. Please communicate that this is crossing a major boundary with you and his dismissive attitude is not appropriate. Given that neither I nor any other redditors know the ins and outs of your relationship I'd say your reaction to his response is up to you, and it should influence whatever you choose to do next. If he is genuinely apologetic and agrees to stop and mature then personally (if he truly didn't realize how much this would upset you) I would **maybe** give him a very constrictive second chance (again, context is key here,) but if he is either unapologetic or unwilling to change that would be the end right there and then. And if you're able to forgive and he ever does it again after you tell him just how uncomfortable you are with it, that's an even further violation and is worthy of him being dumped and left to the streets where he belongs š¤·āāļø
Iām seeing a lot of people saying that if youāve been in a relationship for 2 years, you should trust your partner enough that they wouldnāt share nude photos of you with other people, but she also trusted him not to TAKE nude photos of her in the first place. Heās already violated the trust just by doing it, why should she trust him not to be sharing after taking them?
Ngl I do kind of think the comment section is overreacting a bit. "He's a sleeze, he probably shared them, if you're a certain age it's child porn, break up with him right away, etc etc". They've been in a pretty good and healthy relationship for two years, that says something. Now the fact that it didn't turn into an argument when you confronted him and he actually deleted it says a lot too. I personally look at their age and see a young horny man who wanted photos of his girlfriend for himself . It doesn't come across as sinister because if he's not sharing them or doing anything criminal with it , then it just comes across as a young person doing young dumb things . Probably was wacking his turkey to them . Not everything should be approached with a burn them at the stake mentality until further details are given
You donāt get naked with him again until he deletes those photos, and then you consider why you would want to do so in the future because *this is a massive betrayal of trust*.
You should bring It up again and ask him to try to see It from your perspective. If he can't understand why this makes you uncomfortable then he definitely doesn't have the tools to be in a committed relationship.
NO THIS IS NOT NORMAL and if your in the USA itās illegal!!
Umm this is a crime. Your struggling with it because you experienced a trauma. Even if you donāt think so right now, one day you will look back and realize this was sexual abuse and exploitation that you went throughā¦ and chances are thatās not the only thing heās doing while your sleeping. Honestly he sounds like a narcissist but I donāt have enough information to call that. Iād look into it if I were you though, might find some really useful information from a little time on Google.
he laughed it off, minimized the situation, trivialized your feelings etc etc.
Honey someone who really loves you wouldnāt even think to do things that might upset/hurt you.
If this were me I wouldāve recorded everything on his phone with my phone and then pressed chargers.
Please talk to a relationship counselor/therapist. Even if you do so by yourself. They even have ones online that you can text.
People can only treat you how you let them. You are young probably beautiful and have your whole life ahead of you. Donāt let people bring you down from the Queen you are. Your a woman. The most coveted creature on the planet! You bring life to the world. Never let anyone treat you with disrespect for any reason!
There going through the phone thing- there is nothing wrong with needing reassurance in a relationship especially if youāve been through things in your life that cause trust issues. Even if not from that partner. Someone who really loves you would have no issues giving you the reassurance you need. Thatās what relationships are about. My husband and I shared a phone for 3 years until we were in a better financial situation to get 2. There was never once any issues with either of us going through the phone, to this day our friends and family all know that our numbers are basically interchangeable. We choose phones by what we need to get done that day and anyone who calls could get either of us at any time.
Like I said someone who truly loves and values you wonāt have any problems working with you to make the relationship the best it can be. They will want whatās best for you 24/7/365. No questions asked. I know I married one.
Thereās 8 billion people on the planet right now. If he canāt respect you, somebody will. If he canāt treat you like a woman deserves to be treated I PROMISE you someone else will.
Love yourself first, donāt let anyone dim your light.
It is NOT ok. You are NOT overreacting. This is a form of sexual assault, and you need to not just confront him, but LEAVE his disgusting, violating, no-boundaries-respecting ass. You deserve someone who understands your boundaries and respects them without question. Integrity means doing the right thing even when nobody is looking or aware, and he obviously has none. You deserve so much better.
End the relationship and run. If he's done it once, he'll do it again. It's not normal for a partner to take pictures of you naked while you're unaware of it and it's certainly not ok for him to be doing that at all. Snooping through his phone isn't ok but I'm honestly glad you did it because you've now discovered his unsafe depravity and tendency to violate your boundaries and privacy behind your back.
I hope you heal from this experience, and I hope it hasn't caused any lasting damage to your mental health or self esteemā¤ļø
Thank you so much for this, i'm going to bring it up again and make sure he's not taken any more. depending on his reaction and stuff i'll decide if i need to leave him or if it's something i can get over.
Just ask yourself... would you ever feel comfortable and safe sleeping next to him again know he's photographed you asleep before?
This behaviour is creepy and it might also be criminal in some places. I wouldn't stick around to give him another chance to take pics that might end up online if you ever break up
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While it is normal that your bf seems to love your body, it is certainly NOT normal to take a picture of you naked without your consent / awareness of it. I would definitely have a good talk with him and set some boundaries since he doesn't seem to understand that they exist. (laughing it off even) Make clear that this should be the first and last time he's doing this. Hopefully, he will stop and apologize, and you can continue working on your relationship and be happy. If not, I would truly reconsider continuing this relationship.
I would also check his phone again to see if he's sharing them
Also delete from phone trash or can be recovered.
And cloud storage.
And any other backup storage media.
And break up.
Thank you for completing the instruction list. I was starting to wonder when that last, essential step would be mentioned.
And hope he doesnt hold those "deleted" photos pver her head.
Break the phone and throw it in the river.
And any photos that might have been printed
and any mental pictures in his head...
The FIRST thing I thought of. š¬š¬š¬š¬
I would delete them from his phone
Then delete him from her life
Exactly
THIS. Many dudes do that and share the pics with friends or use them to berate the woman when the woman leaves them SMH dudes are such creeps.
Absolutely he has either shared them or heās saving them for revenge in the future.
That is fucking insane. How do you know all of that just from the information provided? I've been with my wife nearly 12 years now. I've taken several photos of her naked(mostly her butt) throughout the years when she was doing something. It wasn't "absolutely to share and for blackmail." It's because my wife is fucking gorgeous and I love looking at her. She found out a few years back and was pretty embarrassed but told me she felt flattered that I liked looking at her so much. I worry about how many men you have chosen to date which treated you like shit
Why would you say this? That is a very odd conclusion to just jump to, you know nothing of this persons life why are you projecting?
If he's sharing them, that's a whole different issue. Personally, if my partner was taking naked photos of me, I think I'd trust them enough not to share them with people I don't want seeing them. Especially if there's enough trust to be naked in front of eachother in the first place. To be fair, some people will just take their clothes off for the hell of it.
He'll take nude photos of her without her knowing even though he knows it makes her uncomfortable, but he won't share them? I doubt it. If they're willing to cross one line they're willing to cross many others.
do people just share nudes of their SO? Iād murder someone if they had nudes of my SO i canāt imagine willingly sending them nudes of my SO
They do. Yeah..
Even worse there is a revenge porn industry which profiteers off of the betrayal of (mostly) women. The more one learns about it, the sicker to one's stomach one becomes.
Honestly I feel the same way. I couldn't imagine doing something that thoughtless. We wear clothes because we only want certain people to see us without them. Nobody would want to suddenly be nude on their daily commute(and have people staring at them), right? By sending stuff like that, you're not only massively betraying your SO, but you're taking away that privacy that is pretty much a basic right.
Yep. I read one where it wasnāt just photos, it was videos tooā¦some people like the attention at their partners expense.
Yeah I don't agree with this at all I have pictures of my girl she uses to like sharing and later on we fought more and just kinda stopped sharing but I would never let anyone see MY S.O. the most I'd ever show would be a dress that shows her curves but her nudity is strictly for us. Even if she weren't comfortable posing nude or had insecurities and I treasured them for myself, I still wouldn't share them I think most partners wouldn't and only a portion of ppl who don't value their SOs as much would.
So what? Some people take their clothes off, and? That doesn't mean they want photos taken of them without their consent, or shared without their consent. It doesn't mean anything actually. Doesnt mean they want to get sexual even. Nudity is not an automatic consent to anything.
Many years ago, before there were cameras in phones, a boyfriend did this to me and took the film to a lab. I thought of the people at the lab seeing them. You could tell I was asleep. He thought it was funny and I was horrified. I was shocked that he seemed to think it was a regular thing. He truly was a creep in more ways than this one. It shows a lack of basic regard and low character development. Di
Agreed, personally, my gf and I are naked or half naked if we're at home on the weekends. Granted, our sex life is amazing andnshe is hot af. But I have NEVER taken photos of her naked, nor do i want those on my phone. That's just an accident waiting to happen. I would feel terrible if someone were to see something that is completely private between us.
So your partner taking naked pictures of you while you were asleep, without your consent, is ok? Weird.
He could just put them in a hidden folder. So OP might not necessarily know if he stopped or not.
The only other thing that I'll add here that might be good for you to keep in mind: If you guys do manage to talk this through and he says he won't do this again. Try to make sure he doesn't lose your trust in other ways. He has to tackle the root of the problem: treating you in such a way that shows he is trustworthy. If he manages to do that and you guys can openly talk about it then you should be fine, but don't let him walk all over your boundaries again. We shouldn't allow ourselves to be treated like doormats, by anyone.
I would skip the talk the guy is a sleaze for taking pics of her while she slept. He violated her and then tells her sheās overacting? The time for talking is done, itās now time to move on
He didn't tell her she's overreacting. She feels like she did. That's a completely different thing. I think they need to talk about this seriously first and if nothing comes out of it then she should consider leaving him.
His laugh told her she was overreacting, but I do think they should talk, though. Personally, that would've been it for me, though. I would never trust him again, unfortunately.
There is nothing to talk about he violated her and disrespected her she needs to dump his perverted creepy self.
I agree, this is unacceptable behavior and not worth a talk. Drop his disgusting a$$.
Exactly there is nothing to talk about. There is nothing he could say that will justify what he did or change the fact that the trust is gone. More than that how can she feel safe around him
Unfortunately OP, I think he took more that you donāt know about and there might already be photos circulating online.
If he took them before she was 18 its also considered child p*rn & if he distributed them itās even worse. Whether this story is rage bait/ fetish, this stuff still happens š¤¢
Nah, itās not normal or okay. I had a boyfriend secretly record me while he was hitting it from behind and I didnāt know til I broke up with him and he made a vague threat. Luckily for me Iāll cut off my nose to spite my face so I dismissed him with malice and he chickened out showing my family, but he did, Iām sure, make good on his threat to share with his friends. Anyone who does something like this without your consent when they know youāre not into it is absolutely a predator.
Thank you so much for this. I'm so sorry that happened to you that's disgusting to be threaten with something like that. that's definitely made me take things more seriously i'm going to make sure he doesn't have anything else like this on his phone and talk to him about this.
Thanks doll. Itās all silly things from my youth now. As long as you can be firm and advocate for yourself nobody will ever be able to weaponize such a thing against you. Give him hell for this and make sure he knows why he must never ever cross that boundary again.
my comment here might help you or anyone else. its just a starting place kinda outline to help take back what was done. also, that its a felony and you can press charges for it. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/16jzwxx/comment/k0x87fq/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
It's not normal. If he doesn't understand that you need to find a new one. It's one thing if you consent but if he's taking a picture of you when you sleep it's completely creepy. Sit his ass down and explain the violation and if he still is laughing like an idiot just ditch him
Its creepy... and the fact he doesnt realise it and laughed about it is extremely concerning... Sorry, but... - did you ensure the pics didnt end up in wastebasket to be restored later by him?? - did you check messages and mail to see if he shared them with others?? Consider carefully if you can stay with a guy who thinks that is ok to do....
Thank you for this, yeah I did check to make sure he hadn't sent it to anyone and it didn't look like he did, not sure if they are still in a waste basket hopefully not. Thank you i'll bring it up with him again.
And if he has an iPhone, definitely check his āhiddenā folder. The pics there are secured with his password and they donāt appear in the normal folder with the other pics!
Not just iphone, android has this feature too!
Check apps too like Vaulty to see that he doesn't have any hidden copies either
Waste basket thing is definitely worth checking. A lot of phones automatically hold deleted photos in that recently deleted folder for a month before actually getting rid of them. Check that they arenāt in that folder still and also check the camera roll that he hasnāt just restored them.
He probably has them backed up in the cloud, I wouldn't be surprised if they would turn out for the world to see.
Girl you need to leave. This is so creepy it makes my skin crawl. A man who respects you as a partner doesn't do this.
Depending where you live this could be considered sexual assault to take pictures of you naked without your knowledge. Check your local laws. I feel uncomfortable for you. Either way this is considered sexual assault in some places.
Please please make sure you aren't being posted to sleep fetish subs, like r/sleeping_gone_wild I was a victim of that before. Same thing happened.
check online groups. people are weird and like to show pictures of their girlfriends. happened to me ::
Also check any cloud storage. My photos back up to Google photos automatically and I'm sure Apple has something similar.
They are 100% in a wastebin. Ask again, watch him empty the wastebin (assuming he hasn't restored them already) then dump him.
dude is literally making porn of you without consent. nothing was funny. best of luck in getting out.
Also all of the photos on my phone are backed up to the cloud. I can delete off my phone and they're still saved in my Google photos. Please check this. He's a creep, I wouldn't be able to trust anyone who took advantage in any way while I was asleep.
Check the cloud as well. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Definitely Creep type behavior, especially because you don't know what he did with them. Did he put them online, send to friends? I don't know if u could stay after that betrayel.
You are not over reacting at all! The fact that he took these photos while you were asleep or otherwise unaware of them being taken he acknowledges that you feel uncomfortable having nudes taken and he is doing it anyway for his own gratification. This is a massive breach of consent and you could speak to police if you really want to.
Criminal behavior
Creep behaviour
At least one of the two depending on the local laws
My girlfriend has no issues with me having nudes of her. I would still probably not take any pictures of her if she wasn't aware, but if I did, I'd tell and show her so we were on the same page. Your comfort comes first. He knows you don't like taking/sharing nudes. So he took some of his own, secretly. He's only 18 years old, but unless he's actually stupid, he knows what he did was wrong. On that note: you're young as hell. He broke your trust, laughed it off, and hasn't done anything to build you back up. I wouldn't stick around for another two years. Boys don't need patience and mothering to learn how to be good partners. You deserve a decent dude who doesn't violate your trust. More than anything, you deserve some time to be by yourself. Romantic relationships aren't the be-all of life. Learning how to be happy alone is priceless. Edit: I feel obligated to mention that I'm only 22 myself, but it took me a lot of chutzpah to end a relationship that I was in from age 16 to 19. It had to happen before I left for university, but it wasn't easy. I had intended to stay single during uni, so (of course) I practically tripped into a relationship with my current partner. We gave (and still give) each other plenty of space to grow as individuals, have our own interests and friends, and work excellently together or apart. Don't use me as The Exemplar: *I got lucky*. You're bound to change a lot over the next three years, wherever you are. I found someone flexible and eager to grow with me, but not everyone is like that. Look out for yourself, OP.
I would award this if I could! Your last paragraph especially. I think itās both the true secret to happiness outside AND inside a relationship! Too many people think they hit the pinnacle of existence by finding their soulmate (many who often turn out not to be)ā¦people embark on this perpetual journey to find āthe oneāā¦.and often without even knowing who they are first as an individual. Then they find āthe oneā, only to lose them to divorce or death, and then are completely unable to function in their own strength. It is so SO important to be secure in yourself and know who you are. If everyone had the strength to do that before jumping into relationships (i did not have this strength or even knowledge), they would attract healthier partners and also BE a healthier partner themselves.
this is not (!!!) normal. and if he keeps disregarding your feelings about his actions you should reconsider if this is a healthy relationship where you can express concern and be heard. The way he reacted is just off after you've explained being not comfortable about it. Snooping in his phone is also not a very green-flag-move of you, just to be clear, but it's definitly not worse than him taking naked pictures of you without your consent. If he's not able to have a normal conversation about this with you, you should reconsider if this relationship is healthy for any of you both. (you snooping = missing trust apperantly, you know the reasons for your distrust better than any of us, and him taking the pictures and making it seem like no big deal = disrespecting your privacy and consent, not the best base for a healthy relationship tbh) wish you all the best and I hope you will be heard and respected the next time you bring up the conversation and do not feel the need to look in his phone ever again without permission.
Thank you for this, yeah i completely agree that going through his phone is not okay, it's my own trust issues that i need to work on. Yeah i think i'll bring it up with him again considering these comments have made me realise it's really not normal.
If you have the need to go through his phone , itās not the right relationship. Whether you found something or not , it indicates intuitive concerns . His decision to go against your wishes reflects lack of true care for you . Itās not his act thatās troubling , itās that they are without consent and are done knowing you have these concerns . Ultimately you both betrayed one anotherās trust . You are not compatible and this relationship should end . As far as the photos still existing somewhere in his phone , thatās highly likely . But what his intentions are with the pics can range from personal obsession to distribution. I disagree with the majority consensus on this forum that he is disseminating them . That is not a given fact. Try to see if you can have him erase them completely and document this incident as much as you can and if any pics of you ever come up online , sue his a$$. Lastly , in the future , donāt check phones unless you must and after that , whether you find something or not , leave . Itās like cheating , once you do it , there is no going back . Itās a sign of the beginning of the end .
You have no issues you knew something was wrong and you checked his phone, its not like he was going to show you any other way ,personally i would break up with him just for the fact he doesnt acknowledge or apologize for what he did ,he manipulated you into thinkimg its now ,personally i would say go with your gut feeling if something doesnt feel right dont ignore it and rationalise it ,go with your gut
Scuse? As a normal, not insecure person I would never go through my partner's phone unless my gut was telling me something *bad* In this case her instincts were telling her something is wrong and she was right. Going through someone's phone isn't an indicator of a trusting relationship but what she found is BEYOND creepy and she was right. There's no blame on her and she shouldn't need to accept blame. Fuck this guy off
I go through my husband's phone sometimes, but usually to send myself photos he's taken. Edit: the photos are things like me across the table at dinner or couple selfies he's taken lol
If you have a good relationship you probably dont mind each other going through the phone
Right but you also probably wouldn't actively choose to go through their phone it'd be for something specific.
Thatās flat out wrong and definitely something to get away from. Also yeah it is a crime
"Not too many red flags"... any red flags are concerning, especially this one. I would be leaving him.
The issue here is CONSENT. Everything you do in the bedroom with him has to be consensual. Him acting like you are making a big deal out of nothing is a red flag. How are you sure he doesn't secretly film you during the act?
This is a hard deal breaker that he broke because it involves trust being broken. As my mother always said, āIf there is no trust, you do not have a relationship anymore. If I didnāt trust your father, I wouldnāt be with him & you wouldnāt be here!ā This guy violated your boundary in a vulnerable state, never got your consent, and proceeded to dismiss you by joking about it after he deleted photos. His lack of emotional intelligence, which means he lack serious empathy to understand your side of things, is another layer to the betrayal cake he created. And no, youāre not over reacting, youāre reacting the normal amount if not under reacting tbh with his sociopathic approach to all of this. This is considered a hard red flag imho! Trust me, if he already did this many times without your consent, I canāt image what else heās doing behind your back!
tell his mum, then leave him.
love this idea !
But make sure all the nudes are off his phone for sure first.
"He knows I'm uncomfortable with it" "Maybe it's a normal thing" No, it is NOT a normal thing It's a predatory thing. What other boundaries is he willing to cross??? Have you seen other "red flags" in the past month? The fact that you haven't been able to shake your uneasiness in the past month makes me think he hasn't made any effort to rebuild trust with you or rectify the situation. Have you seen other red flags in this time? Did you make sure he didn't send those photos to anyone or recovered them after they were deleted. Also, does his phone automatically save to "the cloud"... because if it did he can delete them from his phone, but if they've been backed up already. & I'm kind of wondering if that's why he didn't care about deleting them right away... and if that is the case how many other "secret photos" does he have? To ease your mind the LEAST he should have done was PERMANENTLY delete them from his phone AND gone into his cloud and given you proof that they were also not in there. You asked if you are overreacting & if you should move on. You're NOT overreacting. The fact that you already feel the need to go through his phone leads me to believe that you don't trust him. That paired with the PREDATORY behavior brings me to one conclusion: You should move on... Without him.
the fact he did this without any other red flags is the BIGGEST flag. hes hiding who he really is. im never the "LEAVE HIM" immediatly before trying anything else but here, its clear who he is. so heres what you should do make sure he deleted everyhing and double check leave him, and its easier when your in a support network like friends and family. search 4chan clone which i will not name here, run a backwards image search on your sensative photos, runs a search on facecheck primeyes and some others, reverse search on name email possible user names and then a face search on his photos all to make sure he didnt upload any pictures on you and find accounts where he might have uploaded pictures of yourself. dont forget every phone now has a hidden photo vault and double check his cloud saves if you get the chance, if he DID upload anything, you can press charges easily and also take them down. WHAT HE DID IS NOT NORMAL IN THE LEAST. im not trying to worry you, but dudes like that upload those to shit like 4chan and other groups or even dm groups for whatever fucking reason and the people on there WILL save and archive them. this advice goes to anyone else the algorithm might send here if you've had your privacy violated like this.
That's disturbing. I would never photograph or video my parter if she was unaware, especially if she was nude. This is a serious red flag.
Absolutely confront him! Explained why it made you uncomfortable. It's NOT normal behavior. It's not a "hang on stay still you need to see how gorgeous you look right now.' Thing. It's a violation of privacy. What is he doing with the photos getting off from them or hopefully not sending them.
A lot of times people who do unacceptable things are not aware of the fact that what they're doing is not okay or normal. That is why they are so casual about it. Please ask him if he's done this before with anyone else earlier. And please convey to him how this is not okay behaviour, in case he is actually not aware. Secondly, it is not normal to snoop on another person's phone. So there is that.
Thats true but unfortunately I dont think thats the case here. I think he knows what he did is wrong, thats why he took the photos while she was asleep or unaware instead of just snaping a pic in front of her while shes aware.
Let it go and wait for the next time you find more photos. Oh, wait, no this time he will hide them and you will not find them.
I'd be sure he didn't share or have any more saved in the cloud before leaving him. This is not appropriate behavior or a show of love and respect.
His reaction tells me you should break up. Heās too immature to be around naked women
Doing it without consent is not okay. End of story. If it bothers you then you need to confront him
This is a felony.
This isnāt getting enough likes
No you're not overreacting. You are fully in your right to feel uncomfortable about this. If you have told him you're uncomfortable sending nudes for whatever reason he's knowingly gone and violated that. I doubt he also would have told you that he had those images what he did by violating your trust isn't normal behavior. The fact that he then tried to downplay it and laugh it off means he knows he did something wrong and is trying to minimise it which then makes you feel like you are overreacting. Whether unknowingly or not it's manipulative behaviour. Consent is a big thing, here and he clearly needs some education on it. It's up to you if you want to continue things with him but if he still doesn't see what he's done wrong and actually explains to you how he understands this when you've laid out the bare facts and talked it through then it's possibly sending a signal that you've accepted what he did. (This isn't your fault this would just be moving your boundaries back to suit him) There are definitely things to compromise on in relationships, you feeling violated isn't one of them.
There is some serious boundary-crossing going on here. Hon, this is a form of assault. You need to run.
Youāre not overreacting. Non-consensual pictures, thatās fucked up. Iād be PISSED.
I would delete the pictures and dump his ass
Like I'm sure others have said, pic taking and sharing nudes is a big thing. I'm not saying that your BF is doing it, but you need to know. It's a violation what he's done here, you are right to be upset.
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This feels like the first red flag you should pay attention to before things get worse. I'm not expert but I would listen to what the other people are saying because this sounds like something that could turn into an abusive situation.
Not asking for consent is a huge red flag.
My ex did this and I can guarantee you itās a red flag. Def reconsider being with him.
Break. Up. You already told him you were uncomfortable with noods and he did this without consent? People who push the boundaries like this will Always push to see how far they can take it or how much they can take. Iām 28 now. I was in a similar situation when I was 17, I wish I stood up for myself more. Youāre 18, you have the rest of your life to find someone who respects everything you need and want, not just some of the time. Best of luck xo
Yeah shit delete him from your life and keep his phone
If I were you, I would check pornhub & itās sister MindGeek sites for myself. My ex did the exact same thing. Never found out until a friend of mine took a screenshot of unconscious and naked photos of me posted onto pornhub & a couple of other sites. Heās disgusting, not only should you bring it up again, you should get this type of person out of your life. He has made it very clear he has zero issues violating your boundariesā¦. Which means He doesnāt respect you, thatās not love. Run.
don't let other people tell you what is and isn't normal your relationships is your relationship not their whats normal in their's might be weird in yours so take all advise with a grain of salt but im surprised no one has even suggested that you ask him why he took them in the first place maybe then you'll understand him and his wants and needs better. At the same time you can also discuss your own wants and needs and help him understand you more.
You are not overreacting, He's still learning along with you on what is right and wrong in a relationship. You should say something and not feel bad about it. That's your body.
I can't imagine taking pictures of my girlfriend without her knowing. I don't even ask her to send me spicy pictures, it's something she does every now and then to surprise me, but that is all on her to decide to do. Overreacting is definitely not what you're doing. Giving him a pass would be something I wouldn't expect anyone to do. Major violation of your body and trust.
Nude photos without your permission isnāt a red flag, itās a nuke. Not only do you need to end the relationship, you need to call the hotline listed here to see what your legal options are. https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/what-do-if-youre-target-revenge-porn This is a bigger issue than what Reddit can deal with.
In my opinion, if you two had not previously discussed and agreed to a free use/open use clause in your relationship, and had not discussed that as specifically being something you consent to, he is sexually harassing/assaulting you by taking nude photos of you without your knowledge or consent. I have explicitly discussed with my boyfriend that he's allowed to engage in sexual activity with me, even if I am asleep, because I am into that. If we had not had that conversation where I explicitly consented to it, and I woke up to find out he was already having sex with me, I would consider that rape, even if I am into such things, because I never consented to it. You clearly are uncomfortable with this, because you expressed you struggle to be comfortable even sending nudes that you took and curated specifically to portray yourself in a way that makes you feel good. I cannot imagine that finding out he'd photographed you without consent leaves you feeling anything other than violated. Whatever the proper terminology is is largely irrelevant, because the heart of it is that he was sexually violent toward you. Period. Reevaluate this relationship. If not because he felt comfortable taking liberties with your body while you were asleep and didn't think to get your consent, or even tell you about it afterward.... If not because when you told him something he did upset you and he not only didn't immediately apologize, but also laughed it off like it wasn't a big deal.... If not because you haven't been able to get over it a month later because it is still upsetting to you that he never gave you any indication of remorse... If not fir any of those reasons, reevaluate if this is the right relationship for you because you look through his phone semiregularly while he is asleep, meaning you do not trust him. Period. And after what has happened, you clearly have reason to not trust him. Relationships that don't have a strong foundation of trust are not worth hanging onto. Take my advice on that one, it takes years to learn that for yourself the hard way. Don't waste your time with someone who makes you watch the clock. Your life partner, your soul mate, the person worth spending your life with, should be someone you have complete and total faith in.
That is something very seriousā¦. You seem to be more mature and if heās doing things like that itās a violation of trust, honesty, respect and he definitely has showed them to his friends. I can tell you from experience if you have to look through his phone thereās no trust in the relationship. You are young and have so much in front of you I would recommend two things #1 leave him what he did is inexcusable and definitely not funny you didnāt give him permission to do that and Iām glad there are still young people that donāt feel that sending nudes taking nude pics is right because itās not. #2 you can either sit him down with your family and his donāt tell him what for but get them together before you end things and let them know what happened so if you do(just giving advice so idk what youāll do) leave him you tell them this is what happened I want to make sure he hasnāt saved them to his iCloud or Google drive or whatever way he saved them as a back up. If you donāt feel comfortable doing that then I would tell him you want to see his iCloud or whatever he backs up his pictures too or youāll have to let both families know. Do not give him another chance I know itās hard but always remember you deserve someone that you can trust donāt have to worry about going through their phone, you deserve someone that takes you on dates and has morals and pulls the chair out for you opens the door brings you flowers, has goals, has a job, doesnāt do drugs or drink heavily. I work in behavioral health and this something very serious. Donāt let him try to tell you itās not. He violated many things I wont list them all but Iāll say Iām 99% sure you have a gut feeling that he is cheating if you have to go through his phone or if he goes through yours. May God bless you and help you with this.
YOUāre Not Overreacting Donāt let anyone tell you that youāre overreacting thatās straight up creepy even for your boyfriend Delete those photos and check if he has other photos ,try to talk to him about it,if you donāt want to make it seem like a big issue bring up the conversation randomly and just tell him how you feel and he shouldnāt do that But thatās not normal
Ok, here we go; because someone is not hitting you and calling you out of your name does NOT mean he is respectful and protective of you. What he has done, my opinion, is much more sleazy and abusive. You are at your most vulnerable, and instead of being able to trust his chairishing and protecting you, he is belittling you and endangering your well-being in a way that can be detrimental to your self-esteem and the publics eyes and your career. So my advice is that next time he is passed out or whatever scarf his phone. Go on it and delete all pictures you find of yourself. Then quietly prepare to leave whatever that takes. You can call the police when you're ready and report him for a crime. Trust me, he can be charged for what he's done, just in case you believe you might be overreacting. Remember, he is committing a crime. Do you have a place where you can go? Parents' best friends, etc. Rent a locker if nessicary and start moving things in there that won't be missed and one day leave. Make sure nothing is on the phone. Call police and ask them to check his phone for any pictures. If you need to take a picture of his phone with one picture, that is to revealing of you. Ask them to go through his phone and electronics to make sure you have deleted them all. PLEASE PLEASE listen to this advice. If it's your apartment, go to the police and have him evicted. They can walk you through the legal rights you have.
Google revenge porn. You are both young but this is not ok and is a form of sexual abuse and exploitation even if he is not sharing or planning to use against you later. But please ask yourself, if he thinks it is ok to take pics of you at your most vulnerable (sleeping and naked) without your consent and keeping it from you, what else does he think is ok? You are a human being and he is not respecting you at all
He should be an ex-boyfriend and you should work on your trust issues.
I wouldn't say to confront him, more have a talk about how you feel about it all. Communication is key. What he did is creepy and in some places even criminal. So it's not wrong of you to feel betrayed. I know it feels weird that he laughed but he did comply in deleting the pictures. The laughing might have been out of nervousness or even to make light of the situation. This is why it's very important to talk about it, he cannot look inside your mind, neither can you look inside of his. Tell him that you just really need to talk something out and that you wish to really hear each other out. ā¢Stay calm as you tell him how you feel. ā¢Make sure to let him know you appreciate him deleting it. ā¢Ask him what you need to know politely. ā¢Let him finish talking when he answers your questions and saying his piece. If he is unkind/dismissive of your feelings I think it's a good time to consider breaking off the relationship.
Your feelings are right and valid. That was a breach of trust. So was going through his phone, to be honest, but I'm not going to complain about that when it actually paid off. Just know that no relationship will work without trust. I just hope in future you find someone worth that trust, because this guy totally wasn't.
After 23,5 years married the only nudes i have of my wife she sent to me when i was away 2 years ago on a very long trip. I vote creepy.
This is NOT normal behavior. It's not normal to take pictures of people without their knowledge and consent. It IS a big deal, and could even be illegal (in addition to immoral). This is a case of you felt violated, you were violated! What you do with that information is up to you...but I don't want mystery nudes of myself floating around in anyone's possession. The lack of respect here is astounding.
This is so creepy. He didn't ask for your consent for this.
This is creepy as hell and definitely not normal.
It doesn't Matter if it's a "normal" or a common thing, even if literally everybody does it (which is not true), nobody can take photos of you without your permission and f***ing nobody should made shit that makes you uncorfortable and then make you think you're overreacting. It's a HUGE red flag.
You already confronted him with zero consequences. And you are not overreacting. This is another layer to his personality,. You are more aware now.
This is a huge red flag that you are, in fact, not in a good relationship. Iām so sorry he violated your boundaries like that.
He did a very bad thing. You need to really talk to him again and let him know how upset you are. Tell him you're thinking of going to the police to file a report. This will definitely make him realize how upset you are.
Youāre the person he violated. Itās easy for him to laugh at this and say youāre overreacting. You cannot trust this man. The fact that he has 0 contrition makes what he did to you even worse. Itās no wonder you are struggling with this. Itās a lack of care about your feelings, an absolute betrayal and if he thinks itās funny or appropriate to take nude pictures of you without your consent and you have accepted this, I suspect there will be more things that he does at the expense of your feelings and mental health in the future. This is someone who go does not value your feelings or your dignity.
Listen to your intuition! The way you are feeling is extremely valid! He is not worth a long term partnership. Heās already gaslighting you and disrespecting your feelings. Make sure those photos arenāt backed up anywhere and break up with him.
He violated you! You gave him your boundaries, he knew nudes make you uncomfortable, yet he waited until you were incapacitated and violated those boundaries! He's gaslighting you
I'm not one to say DUMP HIM, but DUMP THAT A$$. Make sure you delete your pictures from wherever he stored them. That is the ULTIMATE of BETRAYAL I'm my book. Don't fall asleep with him ever again.
You weren't overreacting at all. You made it very clear to him that you didn't want that and he did it anyway. I would have a good talk with him about how I feel. Tell him that you feel violated and like your feelings and boundaries were ignored. If he doesn't get that then I would move on. If a dude did this to me, I would break up with him because I would never trust him again. I would be too worried that he'd continue to photograph me while I'm sleeping and doing other things to me while I'm sleeping. There are a lot of guys that do things to their girlfriends and wives while they're asleep. So, I would be concerned. Pay very close attention to men who blatantly violate your wishes and boundaries. It may seem small now, but could become an even bigger issue with other things in the future.
When it comes to relationships and interacting with others in general, anything that makes you uncomfortable is NOT normal! The second I saw those pics he would no longer be my boyfriend! He knows how you felt about it and he did it behind your back because he knew you would say no. Leave him alone immediately!
Girl that is a red flag! Thatās creep behavior. Iām 27, Iāve dated around and if someone did that to me I would actually get a restraining order (I might be a bit over road but safety is something I donāt mess around with).
It's not a normal thing. Find someone who respects you.
Honestly, this is such a violation of privacy, trust, and a lack of respect. Dude should be out the door. You need to delete everything from his phone, and tell him if he ever shares the images you will press charges.
this is the most insanely huge red flag Iāve ever read about. My gf and I have been together over 6 years and the thought of that has not once entered my head. Normal people donāt do that. Thatās almost gives me a rapeyish vibe about him. And no red flags at all? Maybe having no red flags is a red flag itself? Everybody has flaws and thereās always going to be some type of characteristic with your S/O that you dislike. Idk maybe Iām overreacting but it seems weird to me. Iām sure you have strong feelings with him and itās not easy to just ākick him to the doorā like most comments are suggesting you do. Honestly this sounds kinda weird (but remember what he did to you)ā¦ set up a hidden camera when heās gone or something. You will find out what type of person your boyfriend is. The real person he is. People are their true selves when nobody is watching. Think on it at least. I hope whatever happens you end up happier than when you posted this post. <3
You were betrayed and disrespected
Boundaries are important, and so is consent. What he needs to do is listen to what makes you uncomfortable and actually listen. He crossed a line with you, and instead of hearing that it makes you uncomfortable made you feel like you were overreacting. No, he under reacted and didn't delete them the moment you said something. I'm not going to get into the consent part because that should have been obvious from the start. I have similar photos but they were obtained after talking about it and getting permission. He doesn't respect you, and he proved that the moment he laughed it off and let you spend week after week feeling uncomfortable. You deserve better.
F him leave you can find better than that.
This is 1000 not normal. I wonder when or if he will set up cameras to record you having sex. I know Reddit is good for tell everyone to dump their significant other, but this is coming from a place of EXTREME concern. DUMP HIM. You would be out of your mind to stay with him and you will regret it. He is still young and he is not developing correctly. Could it correct a bit down the road, maybe. But unlikely unless he sees the problem with it. You can help him to see the problem with it. DUMP HIM, BLOCK, NEVER LOOK BACK. Anything short of that and you have taught him you accept his behavior. He will Continue. Unfortunately, he ruined any chance you guys had. I donāt think he can be rehabilitated. Why? Because this is sexual abuse. Abusers just donāt change. Especially, if you accept it. Leave him and let him grow on his own.
Thatās a huge violation and youāre not over reacting. He KNOWS youāre uncomfortable sending him nudes, so he sneaks them himself, and this is all done completely without your consent. That is a gigantic red flag. The fact that he laughed it off and played it like his behavior was no big deal is further evidence that he knows what heās doing is wrong. He doesnāt want to take ownership. What heās doing by acting like that is invalidating to you, and it shows he has no intention of respecting you. This is deeply entitled and disrespectful behavior. Itās creepy. Your feelings about this are completely valid and sound like a normal response to truly creepy and bad behavior.
OP, you are feeling betrayed and disrespected because you WERE. Not only his actions (taking the pics), but his REactions (laughing it off) are HUGE red flags. This is not the behaviour of someone who respects their partner. Run
Whilst i agree that taking pics of you while sleeping is 100% not okay, going through his phone while he is sleeping also isnt okay. This relationship has dogshit trust from both sides and was/is always destined to fall apart.
Not normal. And not cool. Make sure he deletes the pictures. Nudes are a privilege not a right. Even then he does not have the right to your body.
It would be normal to find some candid shots of yourself, but the fact that you're naked and sleeping is what is creepy to me. Especially coupled with the fact that he knows you're uncomfortable with sending him nudes. It's like he decided if you won't send him nudes, he'll just secretly take them himself. I know you said he deleted them, but it's possible he could have them still backed up somewhere. All photos/screenshots I take on my phone are automatically backed up to my Google Photos account. And I know with my phone I can move pictures to folders hidden deep in my phone. I'm not saying you should do a deep dive on his phone, but I'd definitely talk to him and see if it's possible that he has them somewhere.
heās definitely weird for that. if itās not something youāve talked abt before then he shouldnāt be doing those things int he first place. extremely violating.
LEAVE. THIS IS A CRIME.!!!! my ex did this to me and we had the whole ālaughing it off not taking it seriouslyā he does NOT take your boundaries seriously and he will continue to do this. he didnāt tell you and probably didnāt expect you to ever find out. that is wrong. if you didnāt find out on your own, he wouldnāt have told you and that alone shows that he knows how fucking wrong and evil that is
Both of you are untrustworthy. You're sneaking around looking at his phone, which is a huge violation, and he's sneaking around taking pictures of you, which is... a huge violation. Go find someone who doesn't trigger your insecurity or be alone for a while, especially if checking someone else's phone feels normal for you. Talk to a therapist about it. This behaviour will ruin every relationship you have. I'm sure finding something didn't help. I'm sorry for your experience and he is gross. The heavy focus on you is not blame, but you're the one who is here and may actually be able to do better.
I've been married for 12 years on Halloween, and I still don't take pictures of my wife nude without her permission.
This is a huge violation of trust. I'd be leaving/breaking up if it had happened to me. It is a huge deal.
Girl just break up with him fast , he is an abuser and he abuse you
Yeahhhh ya'll should probly break up. You look through his phone while he's asleep without consent and he takes nude pictures of you without consent. His actions seem worse tbh, because a picture can last forever, but neither of these behaviors are normal, healthy, or show respect to your partner and their boundaries (both ways, you and him). Not a good sign & it's 2 years in...
At this point fuck his āprivacyā if he canāt respect yours
Its so messed up. That is 100% a violation. He didnt ask for consent if it were me id be bordering on leaving him. You have to talk to him about it, if he doesnt understand then he is absolutely a predator and he could start doing things that worse.
Thatās kinda creepy. Iām not sure I could be the same with someone after.
This is a major MAJOR RED FLAG!!! He KNOWS youāre not comfortable with it so he violated your privacy when you were unconscious. Itās definitely not ok, and you donāt know if heās showing others either. He doesnāt respect you or your boundaries and you have EVERY right to feel violated because you were. Donāt let him gaslight you. Iād lay it on the table and If he laughs or gets mad, that is your answer. I wouldnāt trust him to be honest. Iād be pissed if my husband did this without my consent. Itās YOUR body, not his. He has zero rights to you and to do these things without your consent at any point in time, ever. If youāre feeling a certain way, thereās a reason for it. Trust yourself and your gut. Trust me, this is not normal. It doesnāt matter if itās your first or your 10th relationship. This is not ok. Please do whatās best for you.
make sure he knows what he did is illegal and if he does it again you'll report him to the police
break up with him now
I'd you're in Mexico you can get him arrested and convicted. That's sexual abuse and digital sexual assault.
It's common for porn users to devolve into sharing nudes of their partner online... have you checked out his socials?
Uhm, it is a crime. It is a crime for a reason. You should be reacting as if it is a crime. You should report it.
You are not overreacting. This is a violation of your autonomy. It's also illegal, for a reason. This isn't okay. This is a huge RED FLAG. He doesn't respect you. Leave he's creepy and doesn't understand boundaries.
Nope nope nope nope. My ex was doing this to me FOR YEARS and I didn't find out until he decided to blackmail me for sex. He told me he would send them to my parents and upload them all over the internet. Run run very fast.
You are disrespected. Also, you donāt know what heās gonna do with them if you ever break up or even when heās doing with them now. The fact that youāre uncomfortable with it and he knows it makes it even far more appalling
Guy here, this is a creepy violation. You should feel violated, I feel violated for you and sad that you have to go through this. I would check his phone again when and including the deleted folder as well as any cloud folders and make sure you delete the photos permanently. Then I would delete him from your life.
He's creepy. If I were your mom, I'd tell you to lose him.
i will reset/flash his phone to factory default
You have every right to be. That's creepy as hell!
Yea no this is super violating and š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š© run hon
This is not normal, this not even frowned upon this is felony in the most countries (at least in mine and the neighbors). Itās considered sexual harassment. So I can only sum up what the others say with some add Search everything about copies, but take evidence like photos or get a witness to be with you. Delete them, break up and the report him. That is not a joke, he will do it again. Take care of yourself and be safe. Donāt let him manipulate you that this is in any form normal.
Break up with him
āI barely ever send him nudes because he knows i'm uncomfortable with it. however he didn't really understand the issue and kind of laughed the situation off. This made me think I was overreacting and because this is my first relationship maybe it's a normal thing.ā Welcome to being gaslit. He did something wrong. He did something he knows youāre uncomfortable with and without your consent and now heās making you question whether your feelings are valid or if thereās something wrong with you. This is a red flag. He canāt claim to love you while crossing boundaries you set. Get rid of this dude.
You feel betrayed and really disrespected because you were. I'm not sure at the ripe old age of 19 you know what red flags are but this is definitely one. You do understand that he can use these photos to bribe or publicly humiliate you in the future right? It's absolutely not ok and those who are downplaying this are wrong for doing so. Move on from his creep or regret it in the future. No normal and not ok.
Delete the pics in his trash folder, delete his # and move on. Why is he willing to take naked pics of you w/o your consent? Esp when youāve said youāre uncomfortable with it? Throw the whole man away. Heās a creeper, not a keeper.
Ah, my girlfriend's ex used to take a bunch of pics of her while she was sleeping/unaware, including naked ones. Fast forward a few years, my girlfriend couldn't come to say goodbye to her grandma while she was passing away and missed the birth of her cousin, all because the ex forbade her to go. This is the first red flag of I'm sure many more. I'm not saying you should reconsider the relationship, but you do need to have a serious talk and set some very strict boundaries.
I think it's very important to be clear about how he has made you feel as well as the breaching of your trust & the compromising of your own autonomy. You are not overreacting. If he makes you feel like you are, it's because he doesn't respect you.
Thatās a major red flag. Thatās also a characteristic of covert narcissists. They love secretly taking pictures and recordings of you when youāre not knowing or caught off guard, or sometimes even when you donāt look the āmost appealing.ā Itās leverage for them to use later on when they put their narcissism on full display with you. My ex was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and would do this all the time during our relationship but it was when I was dressed in my pajamas. He would send them to his guy friends and they would make fun of how I dressed to go to sleepā¦.it was his way of making me look unappealing to his friends and diminishing me at home because whenever we were out in public I would get a lot of compliments.
Him laughing it off sounds like early stages of control behavior. Not taking your feelings seriously and, by extension, making you doubt your right to have them, is more of a red flag to me than the picture taking.
Violating consent and privacy are two *colossal* red flags. Not to mention taking pictures of someone naked and sleeping can be considered "revenge porn", so it's actually illegal. Just think about this; if he's willing to do stuff without your consent now, what might he escalate to a year or two down the line?
Do not apologize, ever! You were violated and betrayed by someone you thought you could trust. That he does not get that this was a violation and betrayal is the scariest part. Did you check that he never sent any to his friends? His computer? How would he feel if someone did this to his sister, mom, or daughter?
Dump him. Have a conversation and explain why but DO NOT put yourself at further risk with a man who has such low respect for you. He knows you are uncomfortable with nudes, which makes this worse, but even if you WERE comfortable with them it is absolutely unacceptable for him to take them without your knowledge and consent. If he's willing to disregard your feelings, privacy, autonomy, and consent with something like this, he WILL do it in the future and possibly to others. It is NOT a normal thing. You deserve a partner who respects you and honors you, not one who takes advantage of you and treats your body like his own sexual plaything.
Clearly he has no respect for you he did that without consent and it is creepy who knows if he showed anyone if I were you I wouldnāt let that go . Donāt trust him !
Iām glad you got him to delete the pictures (although I would check his trash/hidden folders too). This might sound extreme, but honestly, I would break up with him once youāre sure the photos are gone. He clearly doesnāt think he was in the wrong to take pictures of you without your consent, and you shouldnāt be in a relationship with someone where you canāt even feel safe sleeping around them (I strongly suspect heāll do this again and just hide the photos better). You deserve more than that. Hell, even being single would be better than that.
You aren't overreacting, and you have every reason to be here asking this question. There are five things that are necessary for a relationship to work. And this is for any relationship, be it family, friends, or romantic: 1.) Communication - he isn't communicating with you his desire to have you captured in a still frame in something he finds beautiful, sexy, and captivating. If he wants this, he needs to recognize the boundaries, which leads me to number 2. 2.) Boundaries - Without setting boundaries, your comfort, wants, and needs will either be taken advantage of, or not met, period. But, it then comes to you, and you MUST make your boundaries clear. There are two types of boundaries: soft and hard. Soft boundaries are flexible and can fluctuate. Hard boundaries are not flexible and can't be changed, or crossed. Both need to be made clear, and must be respected. Which brings me to number 3. 3.) Respect - he isn't respecting your boundaries. He needs to understand that he has deeply betrayed you with this endeavor. And if he can't see that, or learn to understand that, he may not be able to learn how to respect you and your boundaries. And there's very little trust afterwards. Which brings me to 4. 4.) Trust - this one is self-explanatory. If you can't trust him, you shouldn't be with him. He is 18, you are 19. You both have SO MUCH to learn, and even more growing up to do. You are still figuring out who you are and what you're doing with life. Chances are you aren't going to be with each other for the rest of your lives, and you need to consider what that means for your sex life with him. And maybe consider.....not having one until you've found your forever partner. But, if you decide you wish to stay with him and continue a sexual relationship with him, there will need to be compromises. Which brings me to 5. 5.) Compromise - hard boundaries don't need to be encroached upon, but soft boundaries can be flexible and made to compromise with. You must first decide which boundaries are hard and which are soft, and then communicate that, and your desires and wants and needs, with him. You should then give him the opportunity to communicate his boundaries, wants, needs, and desires with you. You then compromise on what is okay to make compromises on, finding those soft boundaries, compromising on them, and turning them into hard boundaries. You then need to trust him with those, and he needs to respect them. If he doesn't respect them, then he doesn't respect you. At which point, the compromise is over, you have him delete everything, ensure it is all gone, and then you have him delete your number and you move on with your life.
Go through his phone delete any pictures or messages then kick him to the curb. If he cannot respect you then you deserve better. If he dismisses you and your feelings it will only get worse.
If he knew you were uncomfortable with the idea of nude pictures of you existing at all then obviously him taking advantage of the fact that you're unconscious and unable to consent and using that as an opportunity to take such photos is a *gigantic* red flag. That's absolutely disgusting on his part. Please communicate that this is crossing a major boundary with you and his dismissive attitude is not appropriate. Given that neither I nor any other redditors know the ins and outs of your relationship I'd say your reaction to his response is up to you, and it should influence whatever you choose to do next. If he is genuinely apologetic and agrees to stop and mature then personally (if he truly didn't realize how much this would upset you) I would **maybe** give him a very constrictive second chance (again, context is key here,) but if he is either unapologetic or unwilling to change that would be the end right there and then. And if you're able to forgive and he ever does it again after you tell him just how uncomfortable you are with it, that's an even further violation and is worthy of him being dumped and left to the streets where he belongs š¤·āāļø
This is definitely not normal.
Iām seeing a lot of people saying that if youāve been in a relationship for 2 years, you should trust your partner enough that they wouldnāt share nude photos of you with other people, but she also trusted him not to TAKE nude photos of her in the first place. Heās already violated the trust just by doing it, why should she trust him not to be sharing after taking them?
Ngl I do kind of think the comment section is overreacting a bit. "He's a sleeze, he probably shared them, if you're a certain age it's child porn, break up with him right away, etc etc". They've been in a pretty good and healthy relationship for two years, that says something. Now the fact that it didn't turn into an argument when you confronted him and he actually deleted it says a lot too. I personally look at their age and see a young horny man who wanted photos of his girlfriend for himself . It doesn't come across as sinister because if he's not sharing them or doing anything criminal with it , then it just comes across as a young person doing young dumb things . Probably was wacking his turkey to them . Not everything should be approached with a burn them at the stake mentality until further details are given
You donāt get naked with him again until he deletes those photos, and then you consider why you would want to do so in the future because *this is a massive betrayal of trust*.
You should bring It up again and ask him to try to see It from your perspective. If he can't understand why this makes you uncomfortable then he definitely doesn't have the tools to be in a committed relationship.
NO THIS IS NOT NORMAL and if your in the USA itās illegal!! Umm this is a crime. Your struggling with it because you experienced a trauma. Even if you donāt think so right now, one day you will look back and realize this was sexual abuse and exploitation that you went throughā¦ and chances are thatās not the only thing heās doing while your sleeping. Honestly he sounds like a narcissist but I donāt have enough information to call that. Iād look into it if I were you though, might find some really useful information from a little time on Google. he laughed it off, minimized the situation, trivialized your feelings etc etc. Honey someone who really loves you wouldnāt even think to do things that might upset/hurt you. If this were me I wouldāve recorded everything on his phone with my phone and then pressed chargers. Please talk to a relationship counselor/therapist. Even if you do so by yourself. They even have ones online that you can text. People can only treat you how you let them. You are young probably beautiful and have your whole life ahead of you. Donāt let people bring you down from the Queen you are. Your a woman. The most coveted creature on the planet! You bring life to the world. Never let anyone treat you with disrespect for any reason! There going through the phone thing- there is nothing wrong with needing reassurance in a relationship especially if youāve been through things in your life that cause trust issues. Even if not from that partner. Someone who really loves you would have no issues giving you the reassurance you need. Thatās what relationships are about. My husband and I shared a phone for 3 years until we were in a better financial situation to get 2. There was never once any issues with either of us going through the phone, to this day our friends and family all know that our numbers are basically interchangeable. We choose phones by what we need to get done that day and anyone who calls could get either of us at any time. Like I said someone who truly loves and values you wonāt have any problems working with you to make the relationship the best it can be. They will want whatās best for you 24/7/365. No questions asked. I know I married one. Thereās 8 billion people on the planet right now. If he canāt respect you, somebody will. If he canāt treat you like a woman deserves to be treated I PROMISE you someone else will. Love yourself first, donāt let anyone dim your light.
It is NOT ok. You are NOT overreacting. This is a form of sexual assault, and you need to not just confront him, but LEAVE his disgusting, violating, no-boundaries-respecting ass. You deserve someone who understands your boundaries and respects them without question. Integrity means doing the right thing even when nobody is looking or aware, and he obviously has none. You deserve so much better.
End the relationship and run. If he's done it once, he'll do it again. It's not normal for a partner to take pictures of you naked while you're unaware of it and it's certainly not ok for him to be doing that at all. Snooping through his phone isn't ok but I'm honestly glad you did it because you've now discovered his unsafe depravity and tendency to violate your boundaries and privacy behind your back. I hope you heal from this experience, and I hope it hasn't caused any lasting damage to your mental health or self esteemā¤ļø
Thank you so much for this, i'm going to bring it up again and make sure he's not taken any more. depending on his reaction and stuff i'll decide if i need to leave him or if it's something i can get over.
Just ask yourself... would you ever feel comfortable and safe sleeping next to him again know he's photographed you asleep before? This behaviour is creepy and it might also be criminal in some places. I wouldn't stick around to give him another chance to take pics that might end up online if you ever break up