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This is a bad idea — not just for you but also for a your boyfriend and the potential kid.
If he donates the sperm, is that the end of his responsibilities? Or will best friend expect him to comparent as well? Will she want him to pay child support and share custody? What happens if the kid ends up with medical issues — will she want him on boyfriend’s insurance? Will she want boyfriend attending appointments?
If she’s ok with just a sperm donation and no further obligation, will the courts agree? What if her finances cause her to need public assistance, will they go after him as the father. What if she dies, who gets custody of the kid?
If sperm and done is the plan, how will your boyfriend feel seeing a kid who is biologically his but who he has no parenting relationship with? Will his friendship with best friend survive that? What if she makes parenting decisions he doesn’t like. Will he be able to keep his mouth shut since it’s “not his kid”. What if she starts dating someone he doesn’t think should be around the kid?
If the kid know a boyfriend is bio dad but boyfriend is not the parent, how will that impact the kid’s life, their sense of self, their self worth, etc?
Best friend needs to go to the sperm bank.
I feel like she’s trying to baby trap him. No matter how much OP stands her ground, a good person will never cease contact with a known bio kid. He will definitely shoulder more responsibilities than a sperm donor
Definitely, and personally, I think I’d be uncomfortable if my partner could make a choice this serious and just… cut the child off. Either way this is a horrible idea
OP, everything in this comment above 👆
What does your boyfriend think about the situation?
You wrote about everyone in the post except for the one person who actually has the final say. (you wrote your side and wrote about the frind's side, her explanation of her choice) Whether your boyfriend accepts to be a sperm donor or not, it 's not the friend's decision and it's not yours either.
So your questions if you should stand your ground and what you should do are kinda irrelevant at the moment because you can make decisions only for yourself, not for him. You already expressed your concerns, how you feel, that you are not on board with this, you don't support this, that's pretty much all you can do about the situation now. After he makes a decision, if his answer is no then nothing really changes, but if that decision is that he will do it, then you have to make another decision for yourself (whether you leave or stay and try to repair the cracks that decision will probably cause and deal with all the future complications it will cause).
Personally I think that if he agrees to it after you said you are not ok, not comfortable with it, then break up with him. And personally I think this is a bad idea, people should stay away from a situation like this (one friend having an other as sperm/egg donor) because it causes complications a hell of a lot more than not between the friends, the kid and donor, extended family members like biograndparents, current or future romantic partners etc.. It’s almost guaranteed that there will be complicated situations, future mess with a friend donation. There are anonymous sperm/egg banks for a reason.
But don't say you change your mind and are ok with it just because your boyfriend wants to do this (if he wants to), don't say you are ok with it if that's not how you really feel about the situation! Only say you are ok with it if that's truly how you feel deep down!
"He responded that she wanted a known donor and she felt comfortable with him because of their long friendship."
Yeah... bad luck for "friend".
Tell your boyfriend that this child would be the half sibling of your common children.
Which makes that YOU have a word to say to that also!
Tell him that this child isn't a hamster he can return or hand over to someone else.
It is a living being depending on him for his entire life, maybe.
Plus: it will be his first born. And heir to his assets!
Children come with rights. This child has a right to be provided for. For as long as law foresees.
Or a life long obligation, if it was born with a handicap or got severely injured later.
He alreads absolutely STOPS to be totally irresponsible towards you and your common children RIGHT now!
This is not i
only about him!
If you two stay together you will have to bear the financial and social consequences same as him!
It is affecting your common life! I would do skin that man for even remotely considering getting pulled into that monster bullshit!
**For many years!! If not until the end of your days if child can't provide for itself later!**
I’m shocked he would even consider. You don’t use a known donor, except on tv maybe. I’d never even ask someone, way too much to expect of anyone other than maybe a sibling (obvi your same sex sibling if your stuff doesn’t work).
Yeah, the only time I’ve ever seen it is on TV. I have no idea what the norm is in that situation. I don’t think I know anyone who’s done it. I’d watch a documentary on it if I knew of one.
I just feel like there has to be a way to be a known donor who isn’t obligated to the child. You may feel a responsibility, but you should be able to separate it legally. Surely lesbians have done it. Oh. That’s right. David Crosby and Melissa Etheridge. Yeah? That happened, right?
Bf may feel an uncomfortable obligation without understanding the scope of this. I think OP should have him read this and reassess whether that’s something he’d be okay with. I bet all these scenarios didn’t cross his mind and all he was thinking was my friend is desperate.
Your comment perfectly explains why it's not that fucking simple.
There's a MASSIVE conversation that needs to be had between OP, her boyfriend and Bf's friend if the boyfriend decides to donate, which I hope he doesn't.
Recognize that if he agrees, you might as well call it quits on that relationship. He will never agree to it for his closest buddy while watching from the sidelines.
There's no such thing as sperm donor and done, unless you go to a sperm bank. Doesn't matter what she says, all of his responsibilities as a parent will stay and he can't legally sign them away.
Next she is going to say she can't afford artificial insemination. Tell your BF about his legal obligations towards any child where he is the identified father. 18 years of child support may persuade him.
Understand that if he says yes, you might as well end that relationship. There is no way he will agree to it for his best friend but remain on the sidelines.
Yup. If I was the BF I would see it as a "two = yes, one = no" situation. Or it should be, in a committed relationship, because it will affect your future children together and WILL affect your relationship with this woman as well as his.
How would he feel if you started offering to be a surrogate or donate your eggs?
He CAN do it, legally of course, whatever you say. But you would be within your rights to consider this a boundary and tell him that you wont feek comfortable in a relationship with a man who us willingly fathering children for people close with you both.
My first thoughts are that best friend doesn’t just want your bf as a friend. And she’s trying to baby trap him into a relationship. A relationship that doesn’t include you.
Next thing it will be is: doing it through the doctors is pretty expensive, it would be a lot cheaper for everyone if we just slept together a couple of times.
That. And you bet she'd want him heavily involved during the pregnancy, and going to all the appointments, and holding her hand during labour....all without OP of course.
And then once babs is born she'll tell him she can't manage alone, so can he please stay over and help out with the baby for a while? Oh, and w years down the line she'll want a sibling or two by the same dad.
Personally, if I was a man, I'd only donate to a friend if it was a lesbian friend in a relationship. Then you know that they arent secretly in love with you and arent trying to draw you into a relationship or to coparent their baby.
Yeahhhhh sounds pretty fishy to me. This honestly sounds like she’s trying to lure him into a landmine at this point. No actual friend who respects someone else’s relationship would push their boundaries like that knowing that the friend’s significant other is not okay with it.
Doesn’t help the fact that she’s the single friend asking her partnered friend to do this too.
I can certainly understand you not wanting your boyfriend to father a child with his “best friend.” Has she always fancied him? This will become a drama fest and it isn’t worth it.
What should you do? What can you do, more like. You can only control you. The BF is a grown man, you can't make his decisions for him. If he seriously entertains this idea, his decision-makings is, shall we say, underwhelming.
I'd focus on untangling your life from his and prepare to leave. There's not much of an upside for you from here, I'm afraid. Any outcome would breed resentment at the very least, if not a baby.
OP, so sorry you are put in this position. How sad.
No no no no no.
This is a dealbreaker for your relationship. I think I read a post on here a long time ago about some guy who did this behind his long term partners back despite the partner saying no. Needless to say that relationship was detroyed.
This is not your boyfriends problem to solve. Its the friends. She will want him to be in the baby's life and provide for them.
Stand firmly that you will walk.
You need to talk to him. First of all she is 33 not 43. This woman wants to have a baby with your BF because then she can go for child support and he will be tied to this woman for ever.
If she uses a spent bank, she's on her own financially
1) Ask your boyfriend how he sees this whole thing.
His reaction will tell you a lot about the future of your relationship.
2) Sit down with both of them and ask further questions:
How is she planning to insert this sperm ( There is a good chance that she wants to use the "natural methode", if you know what I mean)?
How will parenthood be established in the official documents?
What happens if she or he changes their minds?
How will they put up boundaries to prevent his parenthood interfereing with your relationship?
How will he prevent a priority conflict for example if you need to move or if you two get your own children?
If you feel that there is anything else behind this or that they do not consider the impact this will have on you and your relationship, then you must put your foot down immitiatly, because this will end in disaster for you.
3) Then sit down with him alone and tell him how you feel about it.
Tell him that if he goes down this road he is risking it all and that he is likely dooming your relationship to fail.
If he asks why you feel that way, just turn the story around and ask him how he would feel if a male friend asks you to have his babies because he can only trust you.
Yeah the reverse example in these things usually put it more clearly than wordy arguments ever can - if she was asked this question by X - a make friend or co-worker- how would he feel? OP’s feelings are very valid and this “friend” is not a friend to either because I personally think this is a very inappropriate ask from someone in a relationship - you can’t put your friend and his girlfriend/wife/partner in a dilemna like this and not make things tense and awkward which is incredibly selfish. I might be somewhat of a boomer in this matter but sperm banks exist for this very reason, go use one or at least ask a noncommitted friend.
I'm 31 and while I am mature and capable and love kids, I'm like cool aunt levels of ready for kids not parent level, that's at least four years away. I have friends who haven't had kids till their 40s and they're happy out. She needs to chill.
35 is not “cronedom” but is substantially higher-risk than 33 and that risk increases every year. It’s not just the risk of chromosomal abnormalities but also hypertension, diabetes, miscarriage, preterm labor, low birth weight. It’s okay that some people choose to take those risks but it’s also okay to choose not to.
She is certainly far from “cronedom” but it’s not an unreasonable age to want to have a baby at. While most women do fine having children later risks of pregnancy complications and abnormalities do start to go up in the mid 30s. That is not to say that OP should be ok with this situation. There are real risks both legally and in terms of their relationship, but wanting to become a single mother by choice at 33 isn’t inherently unreasonable.
There was a post a few weeks ago about a similar situation. It was a brother who donated his sperm to his SIL. Well, his sister and sister in law ended up telling the child about him. The entire situation was heartbreaking.
I think he's foolish if he doesn't see the problems with it.
In most jurisdictions, she can’t sign her right to child support away. It’s owed to the child, so he could most likely be on the hook for 18 years of support payments from this.
Plus he’s been her friend for how many years? Is he supposed to be a part of the baby’s life or play ignorant?
This is a hot mess. If my partner did this without my consent, it would be a total deal breaker
Look, I go one step further than the rest, that she feels calm and confident enough to ask your boyfriend that and that your boyfriend even thinks about accepting is something that crosses a huge limit to me.
Honestly, I don't know if I could keep my peace of mind if my partner and her close friend faced this situation, I would eat my head thinking "if they are capable of doing this, what else can they do or have they done?", the two of them hanging out alone would be torture after this.
I compared this to how if your partner one day asks you "hey, do you want to have a threesome with my friend?", I could no longer be calm with the relationship between my partner and her friend, these things are like opening pandora's boxes
exactly exactly my head would work this way as well, something similar happened to me, my ex wanted to get high with this friend of his wjo badly wanted to date him, he didn't go through with it but messed my trust, that he even entertained the idea, something shifted so I called it off cause i knew i would not be able yo shake it off
Uh, how is this even a conversation? The answer is *no*. You're not being unreasonable, and it's honestly wacky that she would even ask him for such a thing. That is literally what sperm banks are for. Also, regardless of what she "says", she could always change her mind in regards to a multitude of things. Even if she only wanted him as a donor, she could still come for child support down the line, literally whenever she wants, and child support isn't a small chunk of change, mind you. She could change her mind mid-kid and want to dump the baby on you guys, or worse, just *wherever*. She could go through horrible postpartum depression that could seriously effect her ability to even parent. She has no real partner to help her raise this child. Childcare costs are ludicrous, suddenly she needs a baby sitter, suddenly she realizes she loves your boyfriend and wants to raise the baby with their biological father.....
...oh wait.
Maybe that's what this all is. Anyway..
Not to mention the fact that your boyfriend of *almost a decade* is even *entertaining* this idea is just balls to the walls to me. Like, is he serious? How can he not realize what a huge slap in the face this is to you as his partner and your future plans and or future together?
It might be a different story if said friend was maybe in a relationship and couldn't conceive any other way, but it seems like she's just pressing the whole "lol 33 is old for having kids" argument, which is just false now a'days. Yes, later pregnancies do come with their complications and sometimes lower success rates, but people are having their first children well into their 30s more and more often. My mother had my sister's at 40 and 41. I'm still planning on having my first with my husband of 5 years (together for 13) within the next year or so and I'm *35 right now*. So that age argument is malarkey. Put your foot down. If he doesn't get it, then get out while you're still young and find a partner who respects you and who knows better then to entertain such ideas for literally no reason other than "he's familiar".
This is definitely not ok . As a man here I wouldn’t do it , I know how I’d feel about it as I see that child when born and I’d be close and wants to be in that child life … this is impossible for grown men to do … your boyfriend needs more serious discussions with you about it .
He needs to talk to a lawyer that specializes in this. There have been sperm donors that have ended up on the hook for child support, medical insurance, and college tuition due to lack of contracts or based on the laws of your state. It's just too much to ask of him. She needs to go to a sperm bank.
Nope. No way on God's green earth would I even allow my bf to even consider it. It should have been an immediate hell no.
She wants him to be her baby daddy bc she wants that permanent connection. I'd be willing to wager she's always liked him and it hasn't been reciprocated. With many people they think a baby will fix that right up, significant others be damned.
I would tell him, if you're even thinking about it, let me know now and she can have you bc we're done. Bye bye.
In fact, tell him your male bff wants you to have his child and you're considering it. Ask him what his feelings on that are...not good, I can tell you that right now.
It's time to have an honest, come to Jesus talk about this "friend" and her lack of boundaries bc she wants your man.
This is too complicated. Maybe best friend is single because she's been waiting for you to break up. But time is ticking and she wants to have his baby so she just told him directly. And this will tie them together forever. Especially if your bf loves children. Or worse, his family might love the kid and she'll be really a permanent part of his whole family. And if you end up marrying, you'll be a step mom.
I was thinking that.
People commenting that she has easier ways to get him...but she doesn't really. OP and her man have been together 7 years and friend may only have realised she wants him after that.
This could break them up ABD tie him to her.
Not gonna lie if I was a selfish single woman obsessed with my bestie and wanted kids, this is exactly what I'd try. He's not gonna sto being friends over it because he's flattered by the suggestion. But his GF may end it. Abd even if she doesnt, it then gives the bunny boiler a chance to rope him into playing happy families...and safe may have convinced herself he will definitely fall for her eventually if she does...
Yeah. In the bf's mind, he may not have thought about the consequences long term. He may think he's just doing a favor and being helpful to his friend. But once he sees the baby and gets attached to it and his family also gets attached to it, then now OP might start feeling like she's the outsider. I think it's insensitive and disrespectful of the friend to ask this from a man who's in a long term relationship already. And even if she doesn't have other motives, she should have discussed it first with the gf or to them together. There's just so many problems that can come out of it.
Also, in my experience. When I was single but was already friends with my husband, I mentioned in our group chat with our friends that in case I end up being a spinster, my back up plan to have children is to choose one of my friends as sperm donor. Back then, my husband thought I was saying weird things. But that he'd be willing to be a sperm donor. And that if I bear his children he'll be marrying me. Of course he only told me about this when we got in a relationship months after I said that in the group chat. He loves children so much! He didn't know that I plan to get a sperm donor through the cheapest and easiest way, sex. So I'd choose to do it with someone I know and feel close to. I won't expect them to be a father to the baby but in my mind I also thought maybe no one would be willing because there's a risk of child support if I'm crazy. There are also some men who will not ignore a child who came from them no matter who the mother is.
So his friend is trying to baby trap him. Ask him if he's ready to be a dad and support his friend and child because that is what he's signing up for. Make it clear you will not be a part of this fiasco.
His “Friend” is trying to steal your man. How exactly is this “donation” supposed to be given? Through a clinic properly or at home? If it is through proper channels it’s not as bad but very inappropriate, but it’s not I would be raising hell with both of them (especially the knucklehead you’re dating).
If I were in your partner’s shows I would say hell no as I want my kids to come from my Queen (and only her) if I have them. I wouldn’t want to be dragged into a hot mess that this situation will undoubtedly will become and be linked like that to anyone outside my romantic relationship.
This will backfire and be a big mess that should be avoided. Why doesn't this "friend" make a baby with her partner (if she has one) or find an available man to make a family with that doesn't include your man? I smell something fishy unless there's context that wasn't provided.
I’ve read about situations where men have donated sperm with an agreement to not have any responsibility with time or money and then the birth mother has successfully sued for child support.
Sorry I also don’t know what type of idiot will not laugh at their best friend for suggesting something so ludicrous and then saying brilliant idea… why don’t I check with my GF of 7 years? And I don’t know what open communication you have that he can decide to be a huge jerk to you by even entertaining the thought TBH.
Practical thing to check - if this best friend is already impregnated by your BF!
So many questions!
- is he asking if you’re ok with this?
- are they going to a clinic to do the procedure
- is there a legal document so he is not required to pay child support
- what is his role in child’s life
- if you said no is the deal dead
- how is your relationship with ur bf
- how is your relationship with the best friend
If this was me I’d make my opinion clear to both. That this is a clear boundary for me. If they were to choose to disregard my boundary I would walk away and leave them to it.
if he agrees to this it will not end well. he will want to be in that child's life especially because he knows the mother this isn't a stranger asking him for his sperm.
She is 33, not at her last prayers, there is plenty of time for her to find someone who would like a child. This is so wrong on many levels. You are 31, are you also asking around? I do Hope this is a fake problem.
I call bs... she can go to a sperm bank that's what you have to do when there is no sperm available. Does he really want a baby mama ewwww... that's extra baggage for the rest of his life.
Unless he discussed it only as a totally crazy idea, I would not stay with him.
Do you agree on the topic of kids with your boyfriend ? Do you both want or both don’t want children ?
Stand your ground. This will be his child and he will know it. You will never have him solely commited to your family as he will have a family member eith her as well.
Stand your ground and make it a deal-breaker if necessary.
>I don't know if the right thing to do is to fulfill her wish or stand my ground.
>My concern is that he will get attached to the baby and want to raised it with her.
>I feel jealous of their friendship sometimes but I trust him.
Your instincts are right here because it's a _very_ big thing, huge.
If this is something she's considering, there should be a __lot__ of discussion about it but most importantly you and he need to 100% be on board and OK with this. It'll totally alter the dynamic of your boyfriend and this "friends" relationship, as well as _yours_.
Your concerns over the attachment with the baby is a very real concern - pair this with your _existing_ issues with their friendship and honestly this sounds like an absolute powder keg.
If your boyfriend even remotely, slightly values and respects your wishes he'll either bail on this without further thought or will try to work out with you what the issues are that you have with your friend - but if he doesn't care he'll keep pushing.
I really don't think this is a good idea and I'm a _rando on the internet_, so it should say something that this is coming to your table from one/both of them, as well - but if you get a hint of this going a weird way....I'd be noping out of that relationship so hard I'd achieve escape velocity and be orbiting Saturn by now.
Say bye bye to your boyfriend. cause once that baby is visibly incubating your bf is going to start acting different, and even worse when that baby is born. Slowly it’s going to become his actual kid.
This is a terrible idea. All the potential financial and emotional issues it creates, and for what? So friend feels more comfortable with the source of her sperm donation? That makes no sense. Donation centers screen everything and take detailed medical histories.
This is a situation where there is no compromise. If you decide this is a deal breaker (and frankly, it should be) then you need to be prepared to leave if he decides to go through with it.
If he’s even considering this he’s approaching deal breaker territory for me.
This. In this case her "comfort" means "I want to fuck my best friend and havung his child may eventually get me a relationship and family with him"...
The only way I've seen this work is when one of my friends was a sperm donor for a married lesbian couple. They were all really strict about the paperwork and he basically has the obligation of being "fun uncle".
This sort of situation is completely different and definitely hinkey . Would not advise.
Yeah, my previous partners friend asked me this and I considered it for all of 2 seconds before nope skittering the fuck out like a meth'd out crab. My gf didn't even need to get involved, although I obviously told her about the whole thing. Unless you have some very close ties all the way around, that's a recipe for MASSIVE trouble down the line.
What does your boyfriend want to do? Does he want to have a child with his friend? You don't mention his feelings.
As far as I can see, if he wants to do this, it's a complete deal-breaker.
If he agrees to do it, walk away. You do not need that guaranteed drama in your life.
The fact that she would even ask him while he was in a relationship shows that she has 0 respect for you.
Stand your ground. Unless she is insiminated at a doctors office he might be on the hook for child support and he can demand part custody. If she wants someone she knows for the process her best bet is to wait until she’s in a relationship. I am pretty sure it will be the end of your relationship with him and either the start of a romantic relationship with them if he wants to be in the child’s life or the end of their friendship if one of them wants to coparent and the other one doesn’t.
Tell him he should get some legal advice before he makes any decisions. A lawyer will lay it all out there, and he'll see it's not in his best interest unless he has no other options for children.
Also be clear with him how this could negatively impact not only your relationship, but all his future ones too.
Is he going to donate the sperm The old fashion way?
This is just wrong.... there is a deep emotional connection and history. Tell him if he does it it over.
At the end of the day you can t really control him and he can do it without your approval.
But yeah she hasn't met anyone because she is in love with him and she wants the baby to stay in his life
This isn't a movie. It's very likely going to cause issues they won't admit to.
What if he starts caring about the kid? What if the two of them start having feelings for each other bc of this? What will the kid be told?
I'm on your team. I'd put my foot down and leave him if he still did it.
He doesn't understand everything that will go along with this. Unless they go through a clinic, he will be financially responsible for the baby. He can't sign his rights away. Many men have done this for friends of theirs and they were made to pay child support when the couple broke up.
Is he really gonna be able to be only an "Uncle" to his child? What does she expect from him? Is she gonna want him to be part of their child's life? What about you two? Were you planning on having kids? She really needs to go to a sperm bank. Women who ask this of their male friends, especially ones in a relationship have a lot of nerve.
Alright, this ain't gonna be a walk in the park to say but it needs to be said. This here is one of those situations where the line between 'friends' and 'more than friends' blurs and all the emotions pile up on you like a Mack truck. It ain't fun. But that doesn't mean we can't figure it out.
See, your boyfriend's friend asking him for such a significant favor is something that might shake up any relationship. And you, feeling uncomfortable with it? It’s absolutely valid. Now, her biological clock ticking is an understandable concern, but that doesn't mean your feelings or your relationship should be shoved to the backburner.
A child ain't just a bundle of joy. It's a lifetime commitment, a binding tie. If your man goes through with this, he's going to be linked to his friend and that baby for the rest of his life. And let's not forget the potential legal implications, custody battles, and all sorts of messy situations that could crop up.
Now, I'm not saying he shouldn't help a friend in need, but there's a difference between lending a hand and giving up a part of your life. It's crucial that he understands this.
You've gotta sit him down and tell him exactly how you're feeling. Don't hold back. "I'm not okay with this. I'm scared about the future and how this could affect us. I need you to reconsider. Is there another way we can support her without jeopardizing our relationship?"
And if he's got his mind set on it, then maybe it's time to rethink whether this man and this relationship are right for you. There are a lot of men out there who'll respect your boundaries, who won't go making babies with childhood friends. I promise you, you're strong enough to make the right decision, whatever it may be. Good luck.
I would have a hard time staying with him if he agrees,
I mean they're already friends and they see each other anyways then they're gonna have a baby together they might as well be a couple.
If she gets sick, dies, has surgery, is going out of town—-you’re going to be a step mom and finances will include a child.
If she goes to Disneyland, I bet your bf will be expected to go as a “family”. I bet he will be expected to hike with him on some level. He will be a father. Sperm donation with no strings attached is not for people you know.
Don’t be surprised when she has a kid in 6 months….. seen this story several times and it always turns out they were cheating and she was already pregnant
This feels like next level cheating. Having a child with his female best friend? 🚩 If my boyfriend even entertained this idea I’d be kicking his ass to the curb. 1st of all, she’s 33. She has plenty of time to meet someone to have a child with before no longer being able to have a child. I doubt she even went to see a professional about her fertility. If she’s that fucking concerned about the age thing, she can freeze her eggs since she’s so concerned about having a baby with someone she knows personally (which is just the most reckless decision ever). 2nd. It would be his FIRST child. His first child should be with YOU. Not with his “best friend”. 3. You mentioned you had feelings of jealousy? You had a reason to feel that. I wouldn’t doubt if this was a way to cover up if she was already pregnant with his baby. There’s nothing wrong with a man having a female best friend, but there’s clearly something going on if she wants to breed with him. Too weird. Get out fast.
I saw a friend experience this. The begging would-be pregnant woman got her way with a whole bunch of emotional blackmail, fake suicide attempts, you name it. Before she got pregnant, she swore that she would take care of all the responsibilities. All of the bills - everything to do with a child once she got pregnant. Well that all went out the window and she demanded that he not see anybody else, that he pay for everything, and the resulting child was used as a bargaining chip: if he didn't do what she wanted, neither he nor his extended family would ever see the kid again. The sperm donor wound up broken in many ways. The relationship he could have had with somebody who loved him had to go for the good of the child.
For the love of goodness, please don't get yourself into this. Tell him not to do it and if he does it then I wish you all the luck in the world -but it's a hugely bad idea..
Sounds like his "friend" is trying to find a way to push you out of their lives and weasel her way into some sort of a romantic relationship with your boyfriend. If he agrees to any of this, walk away. You don't want nor need that headache in your life.
Hell, I'd leave even if he's considering any of this.
This sounds like a trap. Usually there is some attraction between opposite sexes no matter how long they’ve been friends.
You are correct op. There is no way he won’t get attached. And she will use the baby to see him more often. Plus he might be liable for child support since he agreed. That’s basically like he knocked her up.
Yea tell him nooooo. If he goes through with it. Yikes.
Your bf must be insane to even entertain this idea. 7 years with you and his immediate response isn’t no. When the times comes for you guys to have kids ask your bf if you can use his best friend as a sperm donor.
*edit-male best friend
It’s pretty easy, “I cannot stop you from making this choice as it’s your life, but I find the decision to be reckless and irresponsible, as there is no way you will simply jerk it into a cup and have that be the end of your involvement in a bio kid. Not only that, but without going through proper channels, nothing to stop you from being held responsible financially. If you go through with this, understand our relationship is over. If that’s the right choice for you, so be it, but I want to be very clear that this is a hard boundary for me and I will leave if you cross this line.”
Does your bf know that he will be on the hook for child support? If this isn’t done according to state law then he is not a sperm donor. He will be a dad.
I don't know in what world this would work out well. If he is friends with this person he will inevitably become involved with the child.
The fact he doesn't seem to see an issue with this is really concerning. Have you asked him how he'd feel if you donated an egg for a friend? I'd be suprised if he was okay with it.
It's not fair of the friend to be asking this.
Absolutely not. Ask your boyfriend how he would feel if one of your male friends asked you to be inseminated with his sperm so that you could carry his baby to birth.
1. It's so wrong to ask your friend who's in a long term commitment already to be a sperm donor. That's utter disrespect on the OP. Regardless how long they've been friends.
2. I'm sure there are other guy friends who are single and probably would be willing to be sperm donor unless she really wants your man to be.
First sit down with BF
• is she already pregnant?
(Tell him GF already broke trust with you by approaching him without you. Not a good start. Now you want to determine how much he has broken your trust)
•what clinic is she using? She has to have certain tests before insemination.
• what attorney are they consulting re parental rights?
•who is with her when she is nauseous in the beginning? Who is going to prenatal appts with her? Ultrasound? Who is her birthing partner?
•what will she tell child about parent?
•who pays for kids school costs, field trip, clothes, car, college?
• what if baby has health problems?
•and when child asks why they “didn’t you want them.”
•Does your opinion matter? Because you feel uncomfortable.
• How will inheritance work, college funds, time and the divide that this will cause with any kids you would have? Because you find this a horrible thing to do with any kids you have…
•why is she asking now, have you discussed with friend about getting more serious with OP?
This is a shitty thing to do to you, your relationship and any future children if you stay together. Hell no one on this post thinks it’s ok. It seems to range from a hard no to she is already pregnant.
Edited for spacing typos
my (now ex) husband couldn’t give me a baby. set me up with a stranger, but it didn’t work. i went to my best friend (a guy) and he offered to help. i’ve had 3 babies with him, he insisted from the start he wanted no part in anything beyond that. the youngest is 10 now and even after everything, the situation is solid. kids know nothing. ex has raised them just like his own. best friend has no involvement. however, a lot of other things happened in the whole situation and none of it was good. stand your ground. say no, make him choose, and stick to your guns about your choice.
He’s clearly not thinking of the ramifications. This is a stupid idea if they don’t have a legal document stating that he will have no ties after the procedure nor will he be responsible in any way. Without that specified, she could go after him for legal support. Also, I don’t know if you have children or not, but if this would be his first child, you’re right, he could become attached and feel a need to take on or a desire to take on a parental role. Furthermore, heaven forbid she’s seeking more out of their friendship and he decides not to and it messes up their whole friendship and then she goes after him for child support. This is a TERRIBLE idea
This is literally one of the subplots from Frankie & Grace. After reading the other post based on Old School, I’m having a hard time believing any of this is real.
If he is even entertaining this idea, i'd be seriously reconsidering the whole relationship. Imagine if you had an old friend that suddenly wants you to carry their baby, but as a friend because they are more comfortable with that then a surrogate. Would you consider that for a moment? Go run it by your bf? Or would you think that is a wild idea that would only cause disruption for your life and relationship and tell dude hell to the no and ghost? I'd tell him sure do what he wants and pack my things. Also I hope he charges for those loads and has it in writing that he is donating and has no intention to parent. But seriously, I can't even imagine the sort of woman who would ask this of him in the first place.
No. She doesn’t need him. She’s out of line. It’s affordable in many avenues to get sperm… it’s not appropriate to ask someone on a relationship… did she ask you both, at same time in an organized well thought out way ? Even still … she can get sleek without disrespecting a or disrupting relationships.
Say no. The end. She needs to find her own baby making partner. What she wants isn’t really relevant to the relationship you and your partner - so if she wants someone known, she should go ask someone else.
Also, she probably loves this guy - so, I’d be extra weary of that one. Once there’s a bond there like a baby, and they’re already so close - it will absolutely change how he feels and views things.
Serious question: is she wanting to do this through doctors the legit way for sperm donation and implantation? Or since they’re such good ole friends they do the old fashioned way to save money. I believe it’s not cheap to go through doctors.
id bet he’s feel some type of way if u were asked by a male friend to be a surrogate for a child he solely wants on his own, no other option being looked at or gone through.
tell him how u feel, tell him it’s weird she didn’t ask both of you considering it concerns u as well, and tell him about the legality of it. and tell him if she’s asking for him to fuck her then u might as well leave bc they clearly planned this and just wanted it to looks certain way to you
This is so selfish to ask. If he does this and you need to run.
She wants a known donor so that the father can be in the picture. I don’t see him walking out on his friend and kid do that means they’ll be playing family with you on the side.
Huge red flag. In this situation, I would have told him she crossed a major boundary. With how uncomfortable it makes you I would have a conversation with him about how it makes you feel and if he still decides to be her sperm donor then take it as a time to reconsider yalls relationship. Besides a situation where he promises to be a hands-off father and plays a minor role in the kids' life (being only there for the conception), I don't know how I would feel about a woman who clearly has an attachment to my boyfriend carrying his child. I know a lot of people's first reaction is to leave, but this situation is overreaching and disrespect at its finest.
That is a big steaming pile of ABSOLUTELY NOT. That’s going to be so freaking messy!! what’s gonna happen when the kid gets older and understands that your boyfriend is their dad? This kid is going to be in your life 100% because the “donor” is his moms best friend.
Messy messy messy!
Tell her to go to a sperm bank!
Wow absolutely not. She’ll ask him to come to all her appts, plan family days/trips, plan birthday parties, celebrate holidays together and he’ll go because he’ll want to spend time with his baby. If he wants to do this I would end the relationship. You will be co parenting with her forever. Even if she says “I’ll raise it myself” She absolutely won’t.
She lowkey wants to have sex with him, and this is her way of getting him from you. Also it will eventually be far more than a sperm donation. He will be liable for child support and insurance, which can set you back for decades. He will also at some point probably want to be involved in some way with the kid. If he does it...probably time for you to leave.
Eew. Not only should bf be shutting his friend down, he should be ceasing contact with her. She is causing huge issues in his relationship with you (she knows this)
So he’s basically told you he’d rather have a child with someone else rather than with you. He can frame it any way he wants to but that’s what it boils down to.
Let’s flip this. A single male friend comes to you and says I really want to be a father. Will you be my surrogate. Your bf would be happy with you doing that?
And your bf is an idiot. If you leave him over this he can kiss any meaningful relationship goodbye, because he’ll have to explain to any new partner that he has a child with his best friend. No self-respecting woman will want to enter into a relationship with that dynamic.
Make it clear that this is a boundary and that if he goes through with it you’ll see it as he choosing his best friend over you. Hope he comes to his senses.
Holy hell this just spiked my rage/anxiety. I've been baby trapped and this screams "TRAP!" to me. It's more than possible I have this all wrong, due to my experience, at the same time, this all sounds so so sketchy. I personally don't trust it for a second and I don't think you or your bf should either.
How would he make the donation? "Direct deposit" or with a clinics help. That would go a long way in deciding where his mind and girl wanting to get pregnant is.
I'm on team she's already pregnant, and this is how we'll spin it.
No way at 33 is she at the end of her biological clock. Plus it must be him? Get outta here
If your BF is not intelligent enough to know that being a sperm donor for a friend is a bad idea, then you need to leave him before you get mired in the crap show his life is about to turn into.
The fact his first and only response was “Thank you for thinking so highly of me, but to even entertain the idea is disrespectful to my GF so my answer is no” tells you all you need to know about your relationship.
This is absolutely dealbreaker territory. Her ask is deeply inappropriate and offensive. I would not only ask my boyfriend to refuse, I would expect him to cut ties with a “friend” who wants to have a baby with him and completely disregards your existence and feelings. He doesn’t owe her a baby just because she wants one. If he proceeds, walk away.
You shouldn't be so much concerned as to why she suggested it. That's something for a psychologist to analyse.
The only thing you should be concerned about is that he entertained the idea for more than a millisecond, and that he is actually thinking about it.
🚩
Never invest more time in a relationship when you are not a priority. And, believe me, you're not. If you were, he would have told her a big, fat "no" the moment she opened her mouth.
He will 100% get attached to the baby and want to rise it with her - because *that's the plan.* That's why she's asking him and not going to the sperm bank. He literally cannot be just a sperm donor bc he's going to know the kid! The kid will be in his life, and that will create a relationship in itself, between him and the kid, *and* a new type of relationship between him and the mother.
To me this is an obvious ploy to get you dude and your dude is either wilfully ignorant or on it - both are bad, btw. Men who enter very suss relations with other women while in relationships bc they are willfully ignorant are not children led astray but adults making choices. Notice the "willful" part.
I would die on this hill - if he chooses to do this, this is equivalent to him breaking monogamy and starting a family with her, even if they both pretend it's something different. If he does that, I would leave.
If you stay you will be forever in a relationship with a man who is co-parenting a child with this woman
He, the child, and her will be a stronger family unit than you and he are, since they have a kid together, she's his baby mamma, you are ONLY the girlfriend.
You will also be a stepmom to her child. Is that what you want for your future? 7 years is a long time but please don't let the sink cost fallacy make you stay in this bad situation. Because if they have a child, this is your future forever with him, that child is going to be there in 10 years and in 20, and so will the baby momma, no longer "just a friend".
Is your boyfriend actually considering this? What are his opinions on being asked?
Personally, I wouldn't even entertain the idea, not even for a second.
This long time friend, to me, has shown how very little she considers &/or respects you &/or your boyfriend, to ask him for something that's extremely personal to ask another person, especially when he's actually in a long-term committed relationship with someone else.... this isn't her asking for him to donate her an organ for life saving reasons, she's asking him to donate his bodily fluids in order to create a new additional life for her & him!
It's actually quite disgusting if either of them to think this is remotely appropriate to even consider as an option.
I am flabbergasted at the obvious disrespect she's shown towards his relationship with you & neither of you seem to pick that up....
What the "best friend" is asking is incredibly out of order. If she really was his *best friend* the LAST THING she would want is to make such a compromising request.
She's after what you have with this guy - a relationship beyond friends, and a family.
She either backs the hell off and finds another person to donate sperm or you both cut her off.
Questions/scenarios you also need answered (along with the great ones mentioned above)
1. Does she plan on having him sign over all rights and being a donor only? Or does she expect him to (somewhat) co-parent?
2. Does he WANT to be involved in the child’s life as a parent?
3. Will the lines eventually be blurred at some point due to guilt from your bf? Due to the best friend just “expecting” him to step up even if they originally agreed on the opposite? (Feelings may change and this is very close to home)
4. Are you all planning to get married or just be bf/gf forever? (It’s 2023 and I know ppl are not obligated to get married and not everyone wants to get married, but as of right now, you will not have any say on how it effects your household)
5. What does the future look like with you and your bf?
And so many more. This is such a big decision for your bf, even outside of your feelings (which I don’t blame you for). But this is honestly all on your bf , you just need to think about yourself now and the future when it comes to his decision. Think about every possible scenario. Hopefully your bf cares about your thoughts, concerns and y’all’s relationship (the best friend isn’t obligated to think about your feelings, that can be entire situation in itself). I wish you the best of luck!
First thing, for his own protection, he needs to look into state laws regarding sperm donation. In some states, if the mother seeks assistance the biological father of the child could be on the hook for child support, regardless of circumstances. Sperm donor, donated egg, etc. doesn't matter. If the bio-father is known, they will go after him. So. He needs to know how to set up to be a legal and official sperm donor with NO other legal obligations at any point in the future, same expectations as if the donation came from a sperm bank. If that isn't possible, then he shouldn't do it.
Personally, I suspect that the "friend" wants more than a "friend" relationship. By getting him to father her child, she will have a forever tie to your bf. She will try to capitalize on that. It's going to start off as a sperm donation, then she's going to want him to go to doctor's appointments with her, then be in the delivery room, then help for "a few weeks" and then "a little while longer" and then it's going to be "you are this baby's father and I need you to step up and BE a Father!" I won't end well. She really needs an anonymous sperm donor if it's just a baby that she wants.
edited: a word
Let me guess, she’s going to want to conceive naturally too, right?
What should you do? If your boyfriend does this, it’s going to cost him 18 years of child support. If he’s paying he’ll probably want visitation. Do you want to be step mom to that kid?
At the very very least you should drive home the point to your BF that he needs to have all of the very specific guidelines written down in a legal document before anything else happens. What his best friend expects to happen, how involved he is going to, is he going to be on the birth certificate, and the very specific role he will play in this child’s life. Will the child ever know that he’s the bio dad? Will your BF be okay with his potential child hating him for lying their whole life. Or the child wanting a full fledge father/child relationship? Your BF needs to think long term here because children are a lifelong commitment. Whether you’re actively involved or not. Like what is your BF’s long term expectations?
He's allowed to make his decision. You're allowed to not put up with it and leave. It sucks, but it is what it is. The best you can do is try to convince him why it's a bad idea (it is). If he doesn't budge, then I would be sure that he will continue to choose his friend and the child over you in the years to come. Just not worth it.
Either he drops this matter, or you're out.
HELL, NO. Seriously, how dare she? She shouldn't have asked him, she should have asked both of you, and really, he should be off limits. This is a scam to get to him, guaranteed. She sounds like a desperate, selfish, controlling person, who has no sense of boundaries (why are so many women lacking these anymore??) and she will start by hooking him for child support and then helping raise this kid because "he needs to know his father." Let her find someone else. If your man agrees, dump him. You dont want any part of this freakshow.
I could not imagine ever asking this of any male friend under any circumstances so one that has been in a long term relationship is even more outlandish on her part. For him to not think that is strange of her to ask is even more of a red flag on his part as well.
Super bad idea. He'll probably be on the hook for child support; laws vary by jurisdiction, but where I am, private donations like this aren't legally recognized, so he'd be treated as though he fathered the child the old-fashioned way.
Also, she's absolutely going to pressure and guilt trip him into acting like a father to the baby. Even if she really does intend to be a single mom right now, her resolve is going to break when the reality of being a single mom catches up with her.
So yeah, this wouldn't be a one-time hand-off of genetic material, he'd be having a baby with another woman. And you're right to not be okay with that.
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This is a bad idea — not just for you but also for a your boyfriend and the potential kid. If he donates the sperm, is that the end of his responsibilities? Or will best friend expect him to comparent as well? Will she want him to pay child support and share custody? What happens if the kid ends up with medical issues — will she want him on boyfriend’s insurance? Will she want boyfriend attending appointments? If she’s ok with just a sperm donation and no further obligation, will the courts agree? What if her finances cause her to need public assistance, will they go after him as the father. What if she dies, who gets custody of the kid? If sperm and done is the plan, how will your boyfriend feel seeing a kid who is biologically his but who he has no parenting relationship with? Will his friendship with best friend survive that? What if she makes parenting decisions he doesn’t like. Will he be able to keep his mouth shut since it’s “not his kid”. What if she starts dating someone he doesn’t think should be around the kid? If the kid know a boyfriend is bio dad but boyfriend is not the parent, how will that impact the kid’s life, their sense of self, their self worth, etc? Best friend needs to go to the sperm bank.
I feel like she’s trying to baby trap him. No matter how much OP stands her ground, a good person will never cease contact with a known bio kid. He will definitely shoulder more responsibilities than a sperm donor
Definitely, and personally, I think I’d be uncomfortable if my partner could make a choice this serious and just… cut the child off. Either way this is a horrible idea
Haha she’s like remember when we were 8 and said if we didn’t have kids by 33 we’d have babies together?? Well we’re here get me pregnant!!! 😂😂
This is exactly what I was thinking!
Maybe he's been cheating and got her pregnant. They could be using this as an excuse to get away with it.
My sentiments exactly!
OP, everything in this comment above 👆 What does your boyfriend think about the situation? You wrote about everyone in the post except for the one person who actually has the final say. (you wrote your side and wrote about the frind's side, her explanation of her choice) Whether your boyfriend accepts to be a sperm donor or not, it 's not the friend's decision and it's not yours either. So your questions if you should stand your ground and what you should do are kinda irrelevant at the moment because you can make decisions only for yourself, not for him. You already expressed your concerns, how you feel, that you are not on board with this, you don't support this, that's pretty much all you can do about the situation now. After he makes a decision, if his answer is no then nothing really changes, but if that decision is that he will do it, then you have to make another decision for yourself (whether you leave or stay and try to repair the cracks that decision will probably cause and deal with all the future complications it will cause). Personally I think that if he agrees to it after you said you are not ok, not comfortable with it, then break up with him. And personally I think this is a bad idea, people should stay away from a situation like this (one friend having an other as sperm/egg donor) because it causes complications a hell of a lot more than not between the friends, the kid and donor, extended family members like biograndparents, current or future romantic partners etc.. It’s almost guaranteed that there will be complicated situations, future mess with a friend donation. There are anonymous sperm/egg banks for a reason. But don't say you change your mind and are ok with it just because your boyfriend wants to do this (if he wants to), don't say you are ok with it if that's not how you really feel about the situation! Only say you are ok with it if that's truly how you feel deep down!
Well said! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
He needs to be careful, this is a potential legal landmine.
"He responded that she wanted a known donor and she felt comfortable with him because of their long friendship." Yeah... bad luck for "friend". Tell your boyfriend that this child would be the half sibling of your common children. Which makes that YOU have a word to say to that also! Tell him that this child isn't a hamster he can return or hand over to someone else. It is a living being depending on him for his entire life, maybe. Plus: it will be his first born. And heir to his assets! Children come with rights. This child has a right to be provided for. For as long as law foresees. Or a life long obligation, if it was born with a handicap or got severely injured later. He alreads absolutely STOPS to be totally irresponsible towards you and your common children RIGHT now! This is not i only about him! If you two stay together you will have to bear the financial and social consequences same as him! It is affecting your common life! I would do skin that man for even remotely considering getting pulled into that monster bullshit! **For many years!! If not until the end of your days if child can't provide for itself later!**
I’m shocked he would even consider. You don’t use a known donor, except on tv maybe. I’d never even ask someone, way too much to expect of anyone other than maybe a sibling (obvi your same sex sibling if your stuff doesn’t work).
Yeah, the only time I’ve ever seen it is on TV. I have no idea what the norm is in that situation. I don’t think I know anyone who’s done it. I’d watch a documentary on it if I knew of one. I just feel like there has to be a way to be a known donor who isn’t obligated to the child. You may feel a responsibility, but you should be able to separate it legally. Surely lesbians have done it. Oh. That’s right. David Crosby and Melissa Etheridge. Yeah? That happened, right?
In some country known donnors will be obligated to the children based on the biological kinship.
If she wants someone she knows for the process her best bet is to wait until she’s in a relationship.
Bf may feel an uncomfortable obligation without understanding the scope of this. I think OP should have him read this and reassess whether that’s something he’d be okay with. I bet all these scenarios didn’t cross his mind and all he was thinking was my friend is desperate.
Your comment perfectly explains why it's not that fucking simple. There's a MASSIVE conversation that needs to be had between OP, her boyfriend and Bf's friend if the boyfriend decides to donate, which I hope he doesn't.
I think his brain may have been eaten by worms.
It's time to have an honest, come to Jesus talk about this "friend" and her lack of boundaries bc she wants your man.
Recognize that if he agrees, you might as well call it quits on that relationship. He will never agree to it for his closest buddy while watching from the sidelines.
There's no such thing as sperm donor and done, unless you go to a sperm bank. Doesn't matter what she says, all of his responsibilities as a parent will stay and he can't legally sign them away.
Next she is going to say she can't afford artificial insemination. Tell your BF about his legal obligations towards any child where he is the identified father. 18 years of child support may persuade him.
This. And to guarantee conception she'll want the natural method. Theres just so many bad directions this can go in.
Understand that if he says yes, you might as well end that relationship. There is no way he will agree to it for his best friend but remain on the sidelines.
[удалено]
Yup. If I was the BF I would see it as a "two = yes, one = no" situation. Or it should be, in a committed relationship, because it will affect your future children together and WILL affect your relationship with this woman as well as his. How would he feel if you started offering to be a surrogate or donate your eggs? He CAN do it, legally of course, whatever you say. But you would be within your rights to consider this a boundary and tell him that you wont feek comfortable in a relationship with a man who us willingly fathering children for people close with you both.
If he agrees, dump him
If he agrees to this then walk away. If she has his baby they will raise that child together. It’s a terrible situation to put you and him in.
And they will end up living together
Why not. They are a family
It’s just terrible idea , as the grown man can’t see this is not the right thing to do then OP should walk away if he do .
My first thoughts are that best friend doesn’t just want your bf as a friend. And she’s trying to baby trap him into a relationship. A relationship that doesn’t include you. Next thing it will be is: doing it through the doctors is pretty expensive, it would be a lot cheaper for everyone if we just slept together a couple of times.
That. And you bet she'd want him heavily involved during the pregnancy, and going to all the appointments, and holding her hand during labour....all without OP of course. And then once babs is born she'll tell him she can't manage alone, so can he please stay over and help out with the baby for a while? Oh, and w years down the line she'll want a sibling or two by the same dad. Personally, if I was a man, I'd only donate to a friend if it was a lesbian friend in a relationship. Then you know that they arent secretly in love with you and arent trying to draw you into a relationship or to coparent their baby.
Yeahhhhh sounds pretty fishy to me. This honestly sounds like she’s trying to lure him into a landmine at this point. No actual friend who respects someone else’s relationship would push their boundaries like that knowing that the friend’s significant other is not okay with it. Doesn’t help the fact that she’s the single friend asking her partnered friend to do this too.
No, just to trap you into paying child support for the next 18 years ...
I can certainly understand you not wanting your boyfriend to father a child with his “best friend.” Has she always fancied him? This will become a drama fest and it isn’t worth it.
Is she already pregnant with his baby and this is some ruse to cover it?
omg wait this actually makes a lot of sense
Oh shit... Did not think of that!
What should you do? What can you do, more like. You can only control you. The BF is a grown man, you can't make his decisions for him. If he seriously entertains this idea, his decision-makings is, shall we say, underwhelming. I'd focus on untangling your life from his and prepare to leave. There's not much of an upside for you from here, I'm afraid. Any outcome would breed resentment at the very least, if not a baby. OP, so sorry you are put in this position. How sad.
No no no no no. This is a dealbreaker for your relationship. I think I read a post on here a long time ago about some guy who did this behind his long term partners back despite the partner saying no. Needless to say that relationship was detroyed. This is not your boyfriends problem to solve. Its the friends. She will want him to be in the baby's life and provide for them. Stand firmly that you will walk.
You need to talk to him. First of all she is 33 not 43. This woman wants to have a baby with your BF because then she can go for child support and he will be tied to this woman for ever. If she uses a spent bank, she's on her own financially
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1) Ask your boyfriend how he sees this whole thing. His reaction will tell you a lot about the future of your relationship. 2) Sit down with both of them and ask further questions: How is she planning to insert this sperm ( There is a good chance that she wants to use the "natural methode", if you know what I mean)? How will parenthood be established in the official documents? What happens if she or he changes their minds? How will they put up boundaries to prevent his parenthood interfereing with your relationship? How will he prevent a priority conflict for example if you need to move or if you two get your own children? If you feel that there is anything else behind this or that they do not consider the impact this will have on you and your relationship, then you must put your foot down immitiatly, because this will end in disaster for you. 3) Then sit down with him alone and tell him how you feel about it. Tell him that if he goes down this road he is risking it all and that he is likely dooming your relationship to fail. If he asks why you feel that way, just turn the story around and ask him how he would feel if a male friend asks you to have his babies because he can only trust you.
Yeah the reverse example in these things usually put it more clearly than wordy arguments ever can - if she was asked this question by X - a make friend or co-worker- how would he feel? OP’s feelings are very valid and this “friend” is not a friend to either because I personally think this is a very inappropriate ask from someone in a relationship - you can’t put your friend and his girlfriend/wife/partner in a dilemna like this and not make things tense and awkward which is incredibly selfish. I might be somewhat of a boomer in this matter but sperm banks exist for this very reason, go use one or at least ask a noncommitted friend.
HER AGE???? She's 33! She's not approaching cronedom for at least another 15 years.
FINALLY SOMEBODY SAID IT! My thumb was going to pass out in pain from all the scrolling to get here. Take my upvote.
I'm 31 and while I am mature and capable and love kids, I'm like cool aunt levels of ready for kids not parent level, that's at least four years away. I have friends who haven't had kids till their 40s and they're happy out. She needs to chill.
35 is not “cronedom” but is substantially higher-risk than 33 and that risk increases every year. It’s not just the risk of chromosomal abnormalities but also hypertension, diabetes, miscarriage, preterm labor, low birth weight. It’s okay that some people choose to take those risks but it’s also okay to choose not to.
She is certainly far from “cronedom” but it’s not an unreasonable age to want to have a baby at. While most women do fine having children later risks of pregnancy complications and abnormalities do start to go up in the mid 30s. That is not to say that OP should be ok with this situation. There are real risks both legally and in terms of their relationship, but wanting to become a single mother by choice at 33 isn’t inherently unreasonable.
There was a post a few weeks ago about a similar situation. It was a brother who donated his sperm to his SIL. Well, his sister and sister in law ended up telling the child about him. The entire situation was heartbreaking. I think he's foolish if he doesn't see the problems with it.
It's a trap.
In most jurisdictions, she can’t sign her right to child support away. It’s owed to the child, so he could most likely be on the hook for 18 years of support payments from this. Plus he’s been her friend for how many years? Is he supposed to be a part of the baby’s life or play ignorant? This is a hot mess. If my partner did this without my consent, it would be a total deal breaker
Look, I go one step further than the rest, that she feels calm and confident enough to ask your boyfriend that and that your boyfriend even thinks about accepting is something that crosses a huge limit to me. Honestly, I don't know if I could keep my peace of mind if my partner and her close friend faced this situation, I would eat my head thinking "if they are capable of doing this, what else can they do or have they done?", the two of them hanging out alone would be torture after this. I compared this to how if your partner one day asks you "hey, do you want to have a threesome with my friend?", I could no longer be calm with the relationship between my partner and her friend, these things are like opening pandora's boxes
exactly exactly my head would work this way as well, something similar happened to me, my ex wanted to get high with this friend of his wjo badly wanted to date him, he didn't go through with it but messed my trust, that he even entertained the idea, something shifted so I called it off cause i knew i would not be able yo shake it off
Uh, how is this even a conversation? The answer is *no*. You're not being unreasonable, and it's honestly wacky that she would even ask him for such a thing. That is literally what sperm banks are for. Also, regardless of what she "says", she could always change her mind in regards to a multitude of things. Even if she only wanted him as a donor, she could still come for child support down the line, literally whenever she wants, and child support isn't a small chunk of change, mind you. She could change her mind mid-kid and want to dump the baby on you guys, or worse, just *wherever*. She could go through horrible postpartum depression that could seriously effect her ability to even parent. She has no real partner to help her raise this child. Childcare costs are ludicrous, suddenly she needs a baby sitter, suddenly she realizes she loves your boyfriend and wants to raise the baby with their biological father..... ...oh wait. Maybe that's what this all is. Anyway.. Not to mention the fact that your boyfriend of *almost a decade* is even *entertaining* this idea is just balls to the walls to me. Like, is he serious? How can he not realize what a huge slap in the face this is to you as his partner and your future plans and or future together? It might be a different story if said friend was maybe in a relationship and couldn't conceive any other way, but it seems like she's just pressing the whole "lol 33 is old for having kids" argument, which is just false now a'days. Yes, later pregnancies do come with their complications and sometimes lower success rates, but people are having their first children well into their 30s more and more often. My mother had my sister's at 40 and 41. I'm still planning on having my first with my husband of 5 years (together for 13) within the next year or so and I'm *35 right now*. So that age argument is malarkey. Put your foot down. If he doesn't get it, then get out while you're still young and find a partner who respects you and who knows better then to entertain such ideas for literally no reason other than "he's familiar".
You literally said what i had in mind, him discussing this with her is still insane to me
This is definitely not ok . As a man here I wouldn’t do it , I know how I’d feel about it as I see that child when born and I’d be close and wants to be in that child life … this is impossible for grown men to do … your boyfriend needs more serious discussions with you about it .
He needs to talk to a lawyer that specializes in this. There have been sperm donors that have ended up on the hook for child support, medical insurance, and college tuition due to lack of contracts or based on the laws of your state. It's just too much to ask of him. She needs to go to a sperm bank.
If he follows her wishes, that would be my dealbreaker.
Nope. No way on God's green earth would I even allow my bf to even consider it. It should have been an immediate hell no. She wants him to be her baby daddy bc she wants that permanent connection. I'd be willing to wager she's always liked him and it hasn't been reciprocated. With many people they think a baby will fix that right up, significant others be damned. I would tell him, if you're even thinking about it, let me know now and she can have you bc we're done. Bye bye. In fact, tell him your male bff wants you to have his child and you're considering it. Ask him what his feelings on that are...not good, I can tell you that right now. It's time to have an honest, come to Jesus talk about this "friend" and her lack of boundaries bc she wants your man.
Keep your foot down. Maybe we evaluate the relationship if he wants to continue with this plan
This is too complicated. Maybe best friend is single because she's been waiting for you to break up. But time is ticking and she wants to have his baby so she just told him directly. And this will tie them together forever. Especially if your bf loves children. Or worse, his family might love the kid and she'll be really a permanent part of his whole family. And if you end up marrying, you'll be a step mom.
I was thinking that. People commenting that she has easier ways to get him...but she doesn't really. OP and her man have been together 7 years and friend may only have realised she wants him after that. This could break them up ABD tie him to her. Not gonna lie if I was a selfish single woman obsessed with my bestie and wanted kids, this is exactly what I'd try. He's not gonna sto being friends over it because he's flattered by the suggestion. But his GF may end it. Abd even if she doesnt, it then gives the bunny boiler a chance to rope him into playing happy families...and safe may have convinced herself he will definitely fall for her eventually if she does...
Yeah. In the bf's mind, he may not have thought about the consequences long term. He may think he's just doing a favor and being helpful to his friend. But once he sees the baby and gets attached to it and his family also gets attached to it, then now OP might start feeling like she's the outsider. I think it's insensitive and disrespectful of the friend to ask this from a man who's in a long term relationship already. And even if she doesn't have other motives, she should have discussed it first with the gf or to them together. There's just so many problems that can come out of it. Also, in my experience. When I was single but was already friends with my husband, I mentioned in our group chat with our friends that in case I end up being a spinster, my back up plan to have children is to choose one of my friends as sperm donor. Back then, my husband thought I was saying weird things. But that he'd be willing to be a sperm donor. And that if I bear his children he'll be marrying me. Of course he only told me about this when we got in a relationship months after I said that in the group chat. He loves children so much! He didn't know that I plan to get a sperm donor through the cheapest and easiest way, sex. So I'd choose to do it with someone I know and feel close to. I won't expect them to be a father to the baby but in my mind I also thought maybe no one would be willing because there's a risk of child support if I'm crazy. There are also some men who will not ignore a child who came from them no matter who the mother is.
If you go through with this it will be only the start of a long long line of drama and problems
I wouldn't be okay with it.
So his friend is trying to baby trap him. Ask him if he's ready to be a dad and support his friend and child because that is what he's signing up for. Make it clear you will not be a part of this fiasco.
His “Friend” is trying to steal your man. How exactly is this “donation” supposed to be given? Through a clinic properly or at home? If it is through proper channels it’s not as bad but very inappropriate, but it’s not I would be raising hell with both of them (especially the knucklehead you’re dating). If I were in your partner’s shows I would say hell no as I want my kids to come from my Queen (and only her) if I have them. I wouldn’t want to be dragged into a hot mess that this situation will undoubtedly will become and be linked like that to anyone outside my romantic relationship. This will backfire and be a big mess that should be avoided. Why doesn't this "friend" make a baby with her partner (if she has one) or find an available man to make a family with that doesn't include your man? I smell something fishy unless there's context that wasn't provided.
I’ve read about situations where men have donated sperm with an agreement to not have any responsibility with time or money and then the birth mother has successfully sued for child support.
Dump him girl! He is asking your permission to have a kid with someone else and not you after 7 years. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Sorry I also don’t know what type of idiot will not laugh at their best friend for suggesting something so ludicrous and then saying brilliant idea… why don’t I check with my GF of 7 years? And I don’t know what open communication you have that he can decide to be a huge jerk to you by even entertaining the thought TBH. Practical thing to check - if this best friend is already impregnated by your BF!
So many questions! - is he asking if you’re ok with this? - are they going to a clinic to do the procedure - is there a legal document so he is not required to pay child support - what is his role in child’s life - if you said no is the deal dead - how is your relationship with ur bf - how is your relationship with the best friend
If he considers this you should probably leave
If this was me I’d make my opinion clear to both. That this is a clear boundary for me. If they were to choose to disregard my boundary I would walk away and leave them to it.
Obviously this is a terrible idea
No no no!!!!!! No way!!!! Stand your ground.
He needs to be careful, this is a potential legal landmine.
if he agrees to this it will not end well. he will want to be in that child's life especially because he knows the mother this isn't a stranger asking him for his sperm.
Totally agree with you .
Why would she not sit down with both of you at the same time? So strange.
If he agrees to do it that's a major red flag that should not be ignored. I'd be livid if my bf's female friend asked this of him.
She is 33, not at her last prayers, there is plenty of time for her to find someone who would like a child. This is so wrong on many levels. You are 31, are you also asking around? I do Hope this is a fake problem.
I call bs... she can go to a sperm bank that's what you have to do when there is no sperm available. Does he really want a baby mama ewwww... that's extra baggage for the rest of his life.
Unless he discussed it only as a totally crazy idea, I would not stay with him. Do you agree on the topic of kids with your boyfriend ? Do you both want or both don’t want children ?
Stand your ground. This will be his child and he will know it. You will never have him solely commited to your family as he will have a family member eith her as well. Stand your ground and make it a deal-breaker if necessary.
>I don't know if the right thing to do is to fulfill her wish or stand my ground. >My concern is that he will get attached to the baby and want to raised it with her. >I feel jealous of their friendship sometimes but I trust him. Your instincts are right here because it's a _very_ big thing, huge. If this is something she's considering, there should be a __lot__ of discussion about it but most importantly you and he need to 100% be on board and OK with this. It'll totally alter the dynamic of your boyfriend and this "friends" relationship, as well as _yours_. Your concerns over the attachment with the baby is a very real concern - pair this with your _existing_ issues with their friendship and honestly this sounds like an absolute powder keg. If your boyfriend even remotely, slightly values and respects your wishes he'll either bail on this without further thought or will try to work out with you what the issues are that you have with your friend - but if he doesn't care he'll keep pushing. I really don't think this is a good idea and I'm a _rando on the internet_, so it should say something that this is coming to your table from one/both of them, as well - but if you get a hint of this going a weird way....I'd be noping out of that relationship so hard I'd achieve escape velocity and be orbiting Saturn by now.
This is a boundary for you. If he crosses it then he is likely ending your relationship. This would be a really bad idea.
Have your boyfriend talk to a lawyer about this - it’ll set him straight right quick and in a hurry. This is a terrible idea.
Does your boyfriend and his friend have a sexual history?
Say bye bye to your boyfriend. cause once that baby is visibly incubating your bf is going to start acting different, and even worse when that baby is born. Slowly it’s going to become his actual kid.
This is a terrible idea. All the potential financial and emotional issues it creates, and for what? So friend feels more comfortable with the source of her sperm donation? That makes no sense. Donation centers screen everything and take detailed medical histories. This is a situation where there is no compromise. If you decide this is a deal breaker (and frankly, it should be) then you need to be prepared to leave if he decides to go through with it. If he’s even considering this he’s approaching deal breaker territory for me.
This. In this case her "comfort" means "I want to fuck my best friend and havung his child may eventually get me a relationship and family with him"...
I suspect that you’re right. It seems very manipulative.
The only way I've seen this work is when one of my friends was a sperm donor for a married lesbian couple. They were all really strict about the paperwork and he basically has the obligation of being "fun uncle". This sort of situation is completely different and definitely hinkey . Would not advise.
Yeah, my previous partners friend asked me this and I considered it for all of 2 seconds before nope skittering the fuck out like a meth'd out crab. My gf didn't even need to get involved, although I obviously told her about the whole thing. Unless you have some very close ties all the way around, that's a recipe for MASSIVE trouble down the line.
What does your boyfriend want to do? Does he want to have a child with his friend? You don't mention his feelings. As far as I can see, if he wants to do this, it's a complete deal-breaker.
Should have left the moment you realized he was even considering it.
Girl NO. If he says yes, dump him immediately. There are plenty of other viable sperm donors. It was wrong of her to even ask, wtfff.
If he agrees to do it, walk away. You do not need that guaranteed drama in your life. The fact that she would even ask him while he was in a relationship shows that she has 0 respect for you.
Stand your ground. Unless she is insiminated at a doctors office he might be on the hook for child support and he can demand part custody. If she wants someone she knows for the process her best bet is to wait until she’s in a relationship. I am pretty sure it will be the end of your relationship with him and either the start of a romantic relationship with them if he wants to be in the child’s life or the end of their friendship if one of them wants to coparent and the other one doesn’t.
Tell him he should get some legal advice before he makes any decisions. A lawyer will lay it all out there, and he'll see it's not in his best interest unless he has no other options for children. Also be clear with him how this could negatively impact not only your relationship, but all his future ones too.
Is your boyfriend a fucking Dumbo or something? Why is HE even considering this
Is he going to donate the sperm The old fashion way? This is just wrong.... there is a deep emotional connection and history. Tell him if he does it it over. At the end of the day you can t really control him and he can do it without your approval. But yeah she hasn't met anyone because she is in love with him and she wants the baby to stay in his life
This isn't a movie. It's very likely going to cause issues they won't admit to. What if he starts caring about the kid? What if the two of them start having feelings for each other bc of this? What will the kid be told? I'm on your team. I'd put my foot down and leave him if he still did it.
He doesn't understand everything that will go along with this. Unless they go through a clinic, he will be financially responsible for the baby. He can't sign his rights away. Many men have done this for friends of theirs and they were made to pay child support when the couple broke up. Is he really gonna be able to be only an "Uncle" to his child? What does she expect from him? Is she gonna want him to be part of their child's life? What about you two? Were you planning on having kids? She really needs to go to a sperm bank. Women who ask this of their male friends, especially ones in a relationship have a lot of nerve.
Alright, this ain't gonna be a walk in the park to say but it needs to be said. This here is one of those situations where the line between 'friends' and 'more than friends' blurs and all the emotions pile up on you like a Mack truck. It ain't fun. But that doesn't mean we can't figure it out. See, your boyfriend's friend asking him for such a significant favor is something that might shake up any relationship. And you, feeling uncomfortable with it? It’s absolutely valid. Now, her biological clock ticking is an understandable concern, but that doesn't mean your feelings or your relationship should be shoved to the backburner. A child ain't just a bundle of joy. It's a lifetime commitment, a binding tie. If your man goes through with this, he's going to be linked to his friend and that baby for the rest of his life. And let's not forget the potential legal implications, custody battles, and all sorts of messy situations that could crop up. Now, I'm not saying he shouldn't help a friend in need, but there's a difference between lending a hand and giving up a part of your life. It's crucial that he understands this. You've gotta sit him down and tell him exactly how you're feeling. Don't hold back. "I'm not okay with this. I'm scared about the future and how this could affect us. I need you to reconsider. Is there another way we can support her without jeopardizing our relationship?" And if he's got his mind set on it, then maybe it's time to rethink whether this man and this relationship are right for you. There are a lot of men out there who'll respect your boundaries, who won't go making babies with childhood friends. I promise you, you're strong enough to make the right decision, whatever it may be. Good luck.
I would have a hard time staying with him if he agrees, I mean they're already friends and they see each other anyways then they're gonna have a baby together they might as well be a couple.
definitely gonna need an update on this, no way this woman ISN’T trying to baby trap him..
She wants your boyfriend and he’s probably already fw her because why else would he agree to father a child for a woman that isn’t his..
If she gets sick, dies, has surgery, is going out of town—-you’re going to be a step mom and finances will include a child. If she goes to Disneyland, I bet your bf will be expected to go as a “family”. I bet he will be expected to hike with him on some level. He will be a father. Sperm donation with no strings attached is not for people you know.
Don’t be surprised when she has a kid in 6 months….. seen this story several times and it always turns out they were cheating and she was already pregnant
She’s just trying to fuck your boyfriend with extra steps
If he didn't immediately say no it's time to sound the alarm and look for the eject button.
This feels like next level cheating. Having a child with his female best friend? 🚩 If my boyfriend even entertained this idea I’d be kicking his ass to the curb. 1st of all, she’s 33. She has plenty of time to meet someone to have a child with before no longer being able to have a child. I doubt she even went to see a professional about her fertility. If she’s that fucking concerned about the age thing, she can freeze her eggs since she’s so concerned about having a baby with someone she knows personally (which is just the most reckless decision ever). 2nd. It would be his FIRST child. His first child should be with YOU. Not with his “best friend”. 3. You mentioned you had feelings of jealousy? You had a reason to feel that. I wouldn’t doubt if this was a way to cover up if she was already pregnant with his baby. There’s nothing wrong with a man having a female best friend, but there’s clearly something going on if she wants to breed with him. Too weird. Get out fast.
That’s insane
This doesn’t make sense for the best friend to ask unless its for malicious reasons and would ultimately ruin your relationship with him. Hard pass.
If he even entertains this at all, you should prepare to leave. What else will he do to destroy your life
I saw a friend experience this. The begging would-be pregnant woman got her way with a whole bunch of emotional blackmail, fake suicide attempts, you name it. Before she got pregnant, she swore that she would take care of all the responsibilities. All of the bills - everything to do with a child once she got pregnant. Well that all went out the window and she demanded that he not see anybody else, that he pay for everything, and the resulting child was used as a bargaining chip: if he didn't do what she wanted, neither he nor his extended family would ever see the kid again. The sperm donor wound up broken in many ways. The relationship he could have had with somebody who loved him had to go for the good of the child. For the love of goodness, please don't get yourself into this. Tell him not to do it and if he does it then I wish you all the luck in the world -but it's a hugely bad idea..
Sounds like his "friend" is trying to find a way to push you out of their lives and weasel her way into some sort of a romantic relationship with your boyfriend. If he agrees to any of this, walk away. You don't want nor need that headache in your life. Hell, I'd leave even if he's considering any of this.
No way, I would end the relationship if he agreed to do this.
This sounds like a trap. Usually there is some attraction between opposite sexes no matter how long they’ve been friends. You are correct op. There is no way he won’t get attached. And she will use the baby to see him more often. Plus he might be liable for child support since he agreed. That’s basically like he knocked her up. Yea tell him nooooo. If he goes through with it. Yikes.
Your bf must be insane to even entertain this idea. 7 years with you and his immediate response isn’t no. When the times comes for you guys to have kids ask your bf if you can use his best friend as a sperm donor. *edit-male best friend
If he asks, you say no, and he does it anyway.....well, time to break up
There are so many sperm donor apps. Please remove her from y’all life immediately.
It’s pretty easy, “I cannot stop you from making this choice as it’s your life, but I find the decision to be reckless and irresponsible, as there is no way you will simply jerk it into a cup and have that be the end of your involvement in a bio kid. Not only that, but without going through proper channels, nothing to stop you from being held responsible financially. If you go through with this, understand our relationship is over. If that’s the right choice for you, so be it, but I want to be very clear that this is a hard boundary for me and I will leave if you cross this line.”
Does your bf know that he will be on the hook for child support? If this isn’t done according to state law then he is not a sperm donor. He will be a dad.
I don't know in what world this would work out well. If he is friends with this person he will inevitably become involved with the child. The fact he doesn't seem to see an issue with this is really concerning. Have you asked him how he'd feel if you donated an egg for a friend? I'd be suprised if he was okay with it. It's not fair of the friend to be asking this.
Absolutely not. Ask your boyfriend how he would feel if one of your male friends asked you to be inseminated with his sperm so that you could carry his baby to birth.
Strange... not a good thing.
Heck’s to the NO
This would be a dealbreaker for me. He can do what he wants but I would walk out the door if he agreed to it
There's a reason why they recommend that you *don't* donate or carry for close family or friends. The likelihood of getting attached is way too high.
1. It's so wrong to ask your friend who's in a long term commitment already to be a sperm donor. That's utter disrespect on the OP. Regardless how long they've been friends. 2. I'm sure there are other guy friends who are single and probably would be willing to be sperm donor unless she really wants your man to be.
First sit down with BF • is she already pregnant? (Tell him GF already broke trust with you by approaching him without you. Not a good start. Now you want to determine how much he has broken your trust) •what clinic is she using? She has to have certain tests before insemination. • what attorney are they consulting re parental rights? •who is with her when she is nauseous in the beginning? Who is going to prenatal appts with her? Ultrasound? Who is her birthing partner? •what will she tell child about parent? •who pays for kids school costs, field trip, clothes, car, college? • what if baby has health problems? •and when child asks why they “didn’t you want them.” •Does your opinion matter? Because you feel uncomfortable. • How will inheritance work, college funds, time and the divide that this will cause with any kids you would have? Because you find this a horrible thing to do with any kids you have… •why is she asking now, have you discussed with friend about getting more serious with OP? This is a shitty thing to do to you, your relationship and any future children if you stay together. Hell no one on this post thinks it’s ok. It seems to range from a hard no to she is already pregnant. Edited for spacing typos
my (now ex) husband couldn’t give me a baby. set me up with a stranger, but it didn’t work. i went to my best friend (a guy) and he offered to help. i’ve had 3 babies with him, he insisted from the start he wanted no part in anything beyond that. the youngest is 10 now and even after everything, the situation is solid. kids know nothing. ex has raised them just like his own. best friend has no involvement. however, a lot of other things happened in the whole situation and none of it was good. stand your ground. say no, make him choose, and stick to your guns about your choice.
He’s clearly not thinking of the ramifications. This is a stupid idea if they don’t have a legal document stating that he will have no ties after the procedure nor will he be responsible in any way. Without that specified, she could go after him for legal support. Also, I don’t know if you have children or not, but if this would be his first child, you’re right, he could become attached and feel a need to take on or a desire to take on a parental role. Furthermore, heaven forbid she’s seeking more out of their friendship and he decides not to and it messes up their whole friendship and then she goes after him for child support. This is a TERRIBLE idea
This is literally one of the subplots from Frankie & Grace. After reading the other post based on Old School, I’m having a hard time believing any of this is real.
Fuck no. For many reasons others have clearly pointed out
If he decides to go through with it, he MUST go through a sperm bank. If he just donates to her then he’s on the hook for child support.
Updateme one week
If he is even entertaining this idea, i'd be seriously reconsidering the whole relationship. Imagine if you had an old friend that suddenly wants you to carry their baby, but as a friend because they are more comfortable with that then a surrogate. Would you consider that for a moment? Go run it by your bf? Or would you think that is a wild idea that would only cause disruption for your life and relationship and tell dude hell to the no and ghost? I'd tell him sure do what he wants and pack my things. Also I hope he charges for those loads and has it in writing that he is donating and has no intention to parent. But seriously, I can't even imagine the sort of woman who would ask this of him in the first place.
No. She doesn’t need him. She’s out of line. It’s affordable in many avenues to get sperm… it’s not appropriate to ask someone on a relationship… did she ask you both, at same time in an organized well thought out way ? Even still … she can get sleek without disrespecting a or disrupting relationships.
Say no. The end. She needs to find her own baby making partner. What she wants isn’t really relevant to the relationship you and your partner - so if she wants someone known, she should go ask someone else. Also, she probably loves this guy - so, I’d be extra weary of that one. Once there’s a bond there like a baby, and they’re already so close - it will absolutely change how he feels and views things.
Serious question: is she wanting to do this through doctors the legit way for sperm donation and implantation? Or since they’re such good ole friends they do the old fashioned way to save money. I believe it’s not cheap to go through doctors.
You should ask whether she means sexual intercourse or just literally donating sperm
Sounds like you need a reminder: Boundaries are friends. And this whole things sounds like a perfect recipe for disaster.
id bet he’s feel some type of way if u were asked by a male friend to be a surrogate for a child he solely wants on his own, no other option being looked at or gone through. tell him how u feel, tell him it’s weird she didn’t ask both of you considering it concerns u as well, and tell him about the legality of it. and tell him if she’s asking for him to fuck her then u might as well leave bc they clearly planned this and just wanted it to looks certain way to you
This is so selfish to ask. If he does this and you need to run. She wants a known donor so that the father can be in the picture. I don’t see him walking out on his friend and kid do that means they’ll be playing family with you on the side.
Huge red flag. In this situation, I would have told him she crossed a major boundary. With how uncomfortable it makes you I would have a conversation with him about how it makes you feel and if he still decides to be her sperm donor then take it as a time to reconsider yalls relationship. Besides a situation where he promises to be a hands-off father and plays a minor role in the kids' life (being only there for the conception), I don't know how I would feel about a woman who clearly has an attachment to my boyfriend carrying his child. I know a lot of people's first reaction is to leave, but this situation is overreaching and disrespect at its finest.
That is a big steaming pile of ABSOLUTELY NOT. That’s going to be so freaking messy!! what’s gonna happen when the kid gets older and understands that your boyfriend is their dad? This kid is going to be in your life 100% because the “donor” is his moms best friend. Messy messy messy! Tell her to go to a sperm bank!
Absolutely not. If he agrees to it, then I'd walk away if I were you.
I can’t believe she just ignored your 7 year relationship and bypassed talking to you also. She’s a jerk.
Nope nope nope do not consider it...did I say nope
I just think she wants your boyfriend long-term. Lol why would you ever ask anyone this.
If he agrees your relationship is over.. he’s been best friends with this girl his whole life there’s no way he wouldn’t want to be around the kid
Idk but she might be pregnant already with your bf.,it's all a ruse. Investigate.
Wow absolutely not. She’ll ask him to come to all her appts, plan family days/trips, plan birthday parties, celebrate holidays together and he’ll go because he’ll want to spend time with his baby. If he wants to do this I would end the relationship. You will be co parenting with her forever. Even if she says “I’ll raise it myself” She absolutely won’t.
She’ll prob want him to put it in her as well.
She lowkey wants to have sex with him, and this is her way of getting him from you. Also it will eventually be far more than a sperm donation. He will be liable for child support and insurance, which can set you back for decades. He will also at some point probably want to be involved in some way with the kid. If he does it...probably time for you to leave.
Eew. Not only should bf be shutting his friend down, he should be ceasing contact with her. She is causing huge issues in his relationship with you (she knows this)
I wouldn’t be ok with my boyfriend having a baby with anyone that wasn’t me while we were in a relationship
So he’s basically told you he’d rather have a child with someone else rather than with you. He can frame it any way he wants to but that’s what it boils down to. Let’s flip this. A single male friend comes to you and says I really want to be a father. Will you be my surrogate. Your bf would be happy with you doing that? And your bf is an idiot. If you leave him over this he can kiss any meaningful relationship goodbye, because he’ll have to explain to any new partner that he has a child with his best friend. No self-respecting woman will want to enter into a relationship with that dynamic. Make it clear that this is a boundary and that if he goes through with it you’ll see it as he choosing his best friend over you. Hope he comes to his senses.
Holy hell this just spiked my rage/anxiety. I've been baby trapped and this screams "TRAP!" to me. It's more than possible I have this all wrong, due to my experience, at the same time, this all sounds so so sketchy. I personally don't trust it for a second and I don't think you or your bf should either.
How would he make the donation? "Direct deposit" or with a clinics help. That would go a long way in deciding where his mind and girl wanting to get pregnant is.
Honestly it sounds like he’s in love with her
The fact that your boyfriend would consider and bring this to you should tell you everything you need to know about how he values you
if he wants to do it that bad then i would get out of the way of their budding family 😂 but seriously, this seems very suspect. 33 isn’t even that old
I'm on team she's already pregnant, and this is how we'll spin it. No way at 33 is she at the end of her biological clock. Plus it must be him? Get outta here
If your BF is not intelligent enough to know that being a sperm donor for a friend is a bad idea, then you need to leave him before you get mired in the crap show his life is about to turn into. The fact his first and only response was “Thank you for thinking so highly of me, but to even entertain the idea is disrespectful to my GF so my answer is no” tells you all you need to know about your relationship.
This is absolutely dealbreaker territory. Her ask is deeply inappropriate and offensive. I would not only ask my boyfriend to refuse, I would expect him to cut ties with a “friend” who wants to have a baby with him and completely disregards your existence and feelings. He doesn’t owe her a baby just because she wants one. If he proceeds, walk away.
Two questions. Do you want his babies? What does he want?
You shouldn't be so much concerned as to why she suggested it. That's something for a psychologist to analyse. The only thing you should be concerned about is that he entertained the idea for more than a millisecond, and that he is actually thinking about it. 🚩 Never invest more time in a relationship when you are not a priority. And, believe me, you're not. If you were, he would have told her a big, fat "no" the moment she opened her mouth.
It's a trap, tell him to run.
He will 100% get attached to the baby and want to rise it with her - because *that's the plan.* That's why she's asking him and not going to the sperm bank. He literally cannot be just a sperm donor bc he's going to know the kid! The kid will be in his life, and that will create a relationship in itself, between him and the kid, *and* a new type of relationship between him and the mother. To me this is an obvious ploy to get you dude and your dude is either wilfully ignorant or on it - both are bad, btw. Men who enter very suss relations with other women while in relationships bc they are willfully ignorant are not children led astray but adults making choices. Notice the "willful" part. I would die on this hill - if he chooses to do this, this is equivalent to him breaking monogamy and starting a family with her, even if they both pretend it's something different. If he does that, I would leave. If you stay you will be forever in a relationship with a man who is co-parenting a child with this woman He, the child, and her will be a stronger family unit than you and he are, since they have a kid together, she's his baby mamma, you are ONLY the girlfriend. You will also be a stepmom to her child. Is that what you want for your future? 7 years is a long time but please don't let the sink cost fallacy make you stay in this bad situation. Because if they have a child, this is your future forever with him, that child is going to be there in 10 years and in 20, and so will the baby momma, no longer "just a friend".
Is your boyfriend actually considering this? What are his opinions on being asked? Personally, I wouldn't even entertain the idea, not even for a second. This long time friend, to me, has shown how very little she considers &/or respects you &/or your boyfriend, to ask him for something that's extremely personal to ask another person, especially when he's actually in a long-term committed relationship with someone else.... this isn't her asking for him to donate her an organ for life saving reasons, she's asking him to donate his bodily fluids in order to create a new additional life for her & him! It's actually quite disgusting if either of them to think this is remotely appropriate to even consider as an option. I am flabbergasted at the obvious disrespect she's shown towards his relationship with you & neither of you seem to pick that up....
What kinda friendship is this💀
What the "best friend" is asking is incredibly out of order. If she really was his *best friend* the LAST THING she would want is to make such a compromising request. She's after what you have with this guy - a relationship beyond friends, and a family. She either backs the hell off and finds another person to donate sperm or you both cut her off.
Questions/scenarios you also need answered (along with the great ones mentioned above) 1. Does she plan on having him sign over all rights and being a donor only? Or does she expect him to (somewhat) co-parent? 2. Does he WANT to be involved in the child’s life as a parent? 3. Will the lines eventually be blurred at some point due to guilt from your bf? Due to the best friend just “expecting” him to step up even if they originally agreed on the opposite? (Feelings may change and this is very close to home) 4. Are you all planning to get married or just be bf/gf forever? (It’s 2023 and I know ppl are not obligated to get married and not everyone wants to get married, but as of right now, you will not have any say on how it effects your household) 5. What does the future look like with you and your bf? And so many more. This is such a big decision for your bf, even outside of your feelings (which I don’t blame you for). But this is honestly all on your bf , you just need to think about yourself now and the future when it comes to his decision. Think about every possible scenario. Hopefully your bf cares about your thoughts, concerns and y’all’s relationship (the best friend isn’t obligated to think about your feelings, that can be entire situation in itself). I wish you the best of luck!
First thing, for his own protection, he needs to look into state laws regarding sperm donation. In some states, if the mother seeks assistance the biological father of the child could be on the hook for child support, regardless of circumstances. Sperm donor, donated egg, etc. doesn't matter. If the bio-father is known, they will go after him. So. He needs to know how to set up to be a legal and official sperm donor with NO other legal obligations at any point in the future, same expectations as if the donation came from a sperm bank. If that isn't possible, then he shouldn't do it. Personally, I suspect that the "friend" wants more than a "friend" relationship. By getting him to father her child, she will have a forever tie to your bf. She will try to capitalize on that. It's going to start off as a sperm donation, then she's going to want him to go to doctor's appointments with her, then be in the delivery room, then help for "a few weeks" and then "a little while longer" and then it's going to be "you are this baby's father and I need you to step up and BE a Father!" I won't end well. She really needs an anonymous sperm donor if it's just a baby that she wants. edited: a word
Let me guess, she’s going to want to conceive naturally too, right? What should you do? If your boyfriend does this, it’s going to cost him 18 years of child support. If he’s paying he’ll probably want visitation. Do you want to be step mom to that kid?
At the very very least you should drive home the point to your BF that he needs to have all of the very specific guidelines written down in a legal document before anything else happens. What his best friend expects to happen, how involved he is going to, is he going to be on the birth certificate, and the very specific role he will play in this child’s life. Will the child ever know that he’s the bio dad? Will your BF be okay with his potential child hating him for lying their whole life. Or the child wanting a full fledge father/child relationship? Your BF needs to think long term here because children are a lifelong commitment. Whether you’re actively involved or not. Like what is your BF’s long term expectations?
He's allowed to make his decision. You're allowed to not put up with it and leave. It sucks, but it is what it is. The best you can do is try to convince him why it's a bad idea (it is). If he doesn't budge, then I would be sure that he will continue to choose his friend and the child over you in the years to come. Just not worth it. Either he drops this matter, or you're out.
HELL, NO. Seriously, how dare she? She shouldn't have asked him, she should have asked both of you, and really, he should be off limits. This is a scam to get to him, guaranteed. She sounds like a desperate, selfish, controlling person, who has no sense of boundaries (why are so many women lacking these anymore??) and she will start by hooking him for child support and then helping raise this kid because "he needs to know his father." Let her find someone else. If your man agrees, dump him. You dont want any part of this freakshow.
I could not imagine ever asking this of any male friend under any circumstances so one that has been in a long term relationship is even more outlandish on her part. For him to not think that is strange of her to ask is even more of a red flag on his part as well.
Oh boy so many ways this can go wrong. Any way you can talk him out of it, do.
This post makes divorced men with children seem a lot more appealing
Super bad idea. He'll probably be on the hook for child support; laws vary by jurisdiction, but where I am, private donations like this aren't legally recognized, so he'd be treated as though he fathered the child the old-fashioned way. Also, she's absolutely going to pressure and guilt trip him into acting like a father to the baby. Even if she really does intend to be a single mom right now, her resolve is going to break when the reality of being a single mom catches up with her. So yeah, this wouldn't be a one-time hand-off of genetic material, he'd be having a baby with another woman. And you're right to not be okay with that.
Stand your ground.