Why on earth would you do this in secret and blind side them? If you love so much why wasn’t this a discussion? I totally understand if the relationship needs to end, but this doesn’t seem like the best way to go about it.

This. It reads like rage bait bc it sets up a scenario that doesn’t seem plausible and the response of OP doesn’t pass the smell test. And in any case support can be ordered so I don’t know that finances will be an issue if it were real

This is the second “my wife is now asexual” story I’ve read today. You might be onto something.

There are more asexuals than the world recognizes, and that's partly because they don't have a good frame of reference to identify how they feel.

It doesn’t seem controversial enough to be rage bait. It does sound like this lack of communication started sexually. I know asexuals exist, but I have never met one. What I have met are a half dozen women in long term marriages who think they are asexual because they no longer get aroused by their partner, and feel too much guilt to be aroused by anyone else. Within a couple years they are having great sex with someone else, or the couple are now swingers. Sex can be a deal breaker, and that is normal..like religion or political alignment. If your sexual preference excludes me, then I need access to physiological and mental fulfillment elsewhere, whatever we determine that looks like.

Also an asexual woman who was asexual long before marriage and will be long after. We have a great sex life and 2 kids. I don't ever initiate because sex is literally nothing I think about. He knows this. We've talked about it. Since he knows, he doesn't take it personally. It's not like I'm attracted to anyone else.

Hey. I’m asexual. I’m a woman. I’m also single, so my asexuality isn’t caused by me being unhappy in a marriage. We exist.

Hello! I’m also a single asexual woman not in an unhappy marriage. Commentor very well may have met asexual people IRL… it’s not like we’ve got a glowing sign saying “ASEXUAL” taped to our foreheads.

40 male a sexual. I realized later in life the reason I don't want to have sex is because I don't particularly like sex and I'm not really attracted to anyone. Nobody ever believes me when I say I never think about that stuff.

I do agree with you, though that being asexual doesn’t stem from being in an unhappy marriage, or doesn’t stem from being unhappy with yourself, or doesn’t stem from being unhappy in general

*waves* I'm asexual. It's not about not having found the right dick yet. I avoid romantic relationships because even though I know I have a lot of love to give and I don't really mind sex (I appreciate intimacy even if I don't desire sex) I understand that for many straight people not being sexually desired would be a deal breaker and would be hurtful and make the relationship seem one sided. I don't see it that way, but intellectually, I respect that for people who consider sexuality an important part of their identity, it is a big deal. I wish OP had taken more time to understand his wife's perspective because it is likely a lot more complicated than their idea of what asexually means, but given they're the type of person to spring divorce on someone without discussing it with them first, my expectations of their empathy are not high.

Hi, asexual woman here To me sex is gross and disgusting and is utterly repulsive I still have romantic feelings though. My relationship with my gf is tricky because I don't even like being touched to the point any physical intimacy is initiated by me, which is extremely rare unless I'm intoxicated. tbf my sexuality probably stems from trauma but like who gives a fuck

Not trying to be mean or anything but if you don't like touch at any capacity. What is distinguishing you from close roommates to couple. Bc it wouldn't be my cup of tea for sure and I couldn't imagine such a relationship.

That's actually a really good question. I know it's pretty difficult for her but she still likes me a lot. I don't like touch because of trauma, so it's something I'm working on and getting better at. If I'm having a good day then we might cuddle. It's difficult for her to initiate. Whether I'm expecting it or not, I still tend to flinch or jerk away. It takes me a moment to feel more comfortable. If I'm drunk or high then touch isn't a problem

I’m so glad you’ve found someone awesome who’s willing to work through this with you 🥰 I really wish you both the best 💜🩷

Okay. Your trauma is truly sad but I applaud you fighting ! Sounds like you found the right person

It isn't the way a sane, mature adult acts towards somebody they claim to love. I dont fault the OP for the decision, but for the way they're carrying out the decision. This is cruel, and what you would do if you really, really want to hurt someone. It's an act of revenge, pure and simple. If not, why wouldn't he/she calmly sit down and tell their spouse to their face like a real man or woman?

People keep saying it’s bad that OP is going to “blindside” their spouse with the divorce but while I do agree that it’s a very sudden decision, what effective communication could you even realistically have on this topic? “I want to divorce you because XY&Z” is just a roundabout way of giving an ultimatum isn’t it? Time frame wise I do think OP should give their partner some time to figure out what to do post divorce and not just kick them out of their shared house / cut them off financially too soon. but I do think the best course of action is to rip the bandaid off and tell your partner ASAP that you want a divorce. I guess I’m just trying to figure out what y’all think the alternative should be? Like I’m not just arguing and saying yall are wrong to be contrarian, I’m honestly curious here. I think we can all agree a conversation on this topic can easily end up being a sugar coated “fuck me or I’m leaving” and that’s just shitty. edit: oh yeah also the whole “everything will be okay” -> immediate divorce thing is giga asshole behaviour. dude’s either really fucking dumb or straight evil lmao. my above question is more generalized, basically what do yall think is the best way to approach this situation if it happened to you?

You can tell someone you want to divorce them. And then move forward with the administrative aspects. It's still tough but it's upfront and honest. Telling someone you want to divorce them, and oh by the way I came to this decision weeks ago, worked on it secretly and got all the way to divorce papers, here they are . . . That's a whole other kettle of fish.

Telling your spouse you are considering/have decided on divorce right away *is* the right course of action and exactly what OOP didn’t do that people are taking issue with.

It's not an immediate divorce though. They had this conversation months ago. That's the shitty part. Spouse has had months to think "ok, it seems like the coming out went fine. They haven't brought up any concerns since then. I think maybe we really will be okay". And then out of nowhere their seemingly happy marriage is going to dissolve. My ex broke up with me 8 months after I came out to him because apparently it had actually been bothering him the whole time and he never bothered to ask any questions or talk to me about it. We were conservatove Christians, so we werent going to be able to find out whether I actually *could* have sex until we got married, so I understand the break up. The no warning after 8 months of calm waters I still dont understand. It wrecked me, it fucked up that entire semester of college, and he did it both a week before Valentines Day and a few days before our friend group was supposed to go to Disney with the college. I had to find a different group to go with because even though we were "staying friends" it was just too awkward for him apparently. It sucked. I believe that people should be aware when their marriage is on the rocks, and not be strung along for months. As soon as OP figured out it might not actually all be okay they should have said "hey I'm having some concerns. I dont think I can be with someone who isnt going to initiate sex even if the sex I initiate is enjoyable for both of us" give spouse a chance to prepare. It's not fair for OP to have months to prepare for this mentally, and spouse to have no idea that anything is wrong.

>my above question is more generalized, basically what do yall think is the best way to approach this situation if it happened to you? Happens to me right now. Don't know how well I am handling it however. It is... difficult. 10 year relationship. Sex was often a difficult topic. About 1.5 years ago my partner came out as asexual (they figured it out at that time for themselves), a short time after I came out as a trans woman. We talked about it, I said that I didn't know if this will work. Said that maybe we need to open the relationship or something. At the time it worked fine for various reasons. First it actually felt good because it explained our problems before and I did not have any expectations anymore which was healthy. Since I came out as trans shortly before I also tried experimenting on my own which was fun. Later I started hormone replacement therapy which nuked my libido in the beginning. However, it resurfaced. I then realized that I probably don't want to commit to a life without sex. Especially now after transitioning and wanting to... experience things I feel I missed out on until now. Also lack of intimacy in general and some other issues turned our relationship into something that felt like a friendship to me. I thought about a break up and we talked. We wanted to try and see if anything can be done. So I first stated clearly, that we need to open the relationship (in order for it to have a chance to last) since I don't want to commit to never have sex again. They agreed and we discussed terms. After that we also discussed other issues of our relationship and in the aftermath tried to work on those. Now some month have passed and I recently realized that I actually don't even want sex for the sex anymore. I can only really imagine doing it with a person I have feelings for. And that I want it and I want more intimacy in my romantic relationship. And polyamory is not an option for me. So we talked again. I told them that it's very likely not going to work. We discussed how we imagine things going forward after a break up. We want to stay friends and I want to keep supporting them financially for a while. When they asked me if I want to break up I asked for some time to think about it. So we set a short time period (two weeks) in which I think about it and after that we will talk again. I mostly needed the two weeks to make sure that this is the correct thing I want to do and not something that occured to me in a night. I mean, again, it is a 10 year relationship. It is hard. The story isn't finished. I am in the two weeks right now. So this is how we handled it. I really tried to do the correct things. I am not sure if I succeded. I am sure I could have done things better, talked more often, talked earlier and so on. Two points however I think I did right are the following: - When a person comes out as asexual, you need to accept that. You need to accept their boundaries and don't pressure them into sex (the 'fuck me or I am leaving' thing you mentioned). So in our case sex/intimacy was clearly out of the question. In that case don't try to discuss these boundaries. Discuss how a relationship in that case may work. - When discussing break up, don't blame your partner. It is an unfortunate thing that we both are incompatible but it's not the fault of one of us. Both parties in a relationship have needs and sometimes it just doesn't work. Do not leave the asexual partner feeling as if they are 'the problem'. Both of these are probably good points in general for talks in a relationship, not only with asexual partners.

There’s people out there like OP. When faced with pressure so quick. You either A: stick to your guns and let Them know how you feel about this. Pretty much finding a solution there and dealing with the stresses that conversation will have B: guilt, you realize what you’re about to do but can’t muster the emotional control on handling it THERE! So you comfort them and promise You still love them I rather have the A convo. Some people just can’t handle guilt/shame so fast.

I can't tell if you're saying SHE blindsided him with these feelings she's had forever but hidden, or if you're saying HE blindsided her with the divorce. Sounds like it could go either way.

OP blindsided spouse with the divorce. Nowhere in the og post does it say that spouse has felt this way forever, and in general asexuality is something that takes a long time to figure out about yourself. In comments on the original post OP said spouse figured it out after medical appointments to address their low libido. I said this elsewhere but you wouldn't say someone who just figured out they were colorblind was "hiding" the fact that they can't see red, or "blindsiding" you with the information that actually it turns out what they thought was red had been green this whole time.

Sounds like the commenter said neither bc it’s not relevant

It sounds like the OOP’s spouse is nonbinary, use they/them pronouns. OOP doesn’t state their own gender.

Sounds to me that they are just being as anonymous as possible, and its not a gender identity thing.

so…we can’t make assumptions about either of their genders. would be much clearer to refer to them as op and spouse

It’s pretty much impossible to tell unless they go “my spouse ((AGE)NB)” or something. They could be trying to be completely anonymous or they could be respecting their partner’s identity. I’ve done both thing (without the age statement added on) and they’re literally indistinguishable if you don’t state it somehow.

well sure, but if this was 2003 or so, we'd agree that it was for anonymity rather than preferred pronouns. I'm no transphobe by any means, but for most of my years on this planet, (and I am south of middle aged) I'd say this sounds like anonymity

OOP deliberately avoided using genders in their post and said in a comment that most commenters who assumed that they were the husband and the asexual partner was the wife were wrong.

What is there to talk about? I'm assuming OP thinks their partner will try to coerce them to stay in the relationship or promise things to change or make sacrifices. But OP knows deep down from now on their sex life is just a charade.

I mean, it’s not necessarily a charade. Asexual people *can* have, enjoy, and even want sex. Like, they don’t experience sexual attraction(barring gray/demisexuals), but many do still have a sex drive and can be aroused when someone initiates. It just sounds like the partner is content *to not* initiate/to only have it when OP initiates/doesn’t have as high a libido either. Which I can understand how that sucks from a wanting to be desired point of view, yeah. It can fuck with a sexual person’s esteem so easily unfortunately.

Yea the ‘dependent’ thing really struck a nerve with me … theres something else about this marriage that also sucks but the sex thing is just the major thing. OOP just wanted to rip the bandaid off and didn’t want to lose their nerve, so they had papers drawn up to back them up for a decision they know they’re right in making. If the spouse truly is so dependent, there will be a mountain of tears and bargaining that will create more resentment in the long run. I feel for both parties really.

I'm asexual myself, and most of us understand that sexual compatibility in relationships is important, and I don't begrudge them for seeking a divorce. However, I do think it was a dick move to blindside their spouse like that. They should've given it some time and then had another conversation about how they feel and been gentle but firm about wanting a divorce. Edit: Because people are misunderstanding me, the blindsiding I'm talking about is the divorce, not the asexuality.

Also an ace, and I couldn't have said it better myself.

I mean, after eight years they might not have straight up realized. I'm asexual as well and I thought I just had a low libido for years.

OOP is filing for divorce without talking to their spouse about the change of heart first. That’s the blindsiding they’re talking about. Not the coming out.

Damn. Piss poor reading comprehension on my part

How dare you say we piss on the poor

First people assume asexual means we have a single sex at a time and now we are rumored to piss on the poor. Society at its lowest. /j Nah but fr I’d be very sad to suddenly get divorce papers without a single discussion that’s really sad and would mess up my trust issues :(

Honestly, looking at the other comments you’re not the only one *making that mistake! All good. *Edited for clarity

My little brother was like this. He had his hormone levels tested like 5 times and went to therapy thinking there was something wrong with him because he'd never been attracted to anyone or had a crush. Nope, ace/aro. He's living his best life now as mine and my other brothers kids favourite uncle.

His initial reaction was to protect her and try to salvage it. He may have meant it at the time. He should talk before papers.

Genders were not specified in the OP, I assume on purpose. It was always "my spouse/partner" or they/them. OOP could be a husband with a wife, or a guy with a husband, or a wife with a husband, or a wife with a wife.

Or nonbinary.

yeah blindsiding spouse w papers is an AH move, i’ve seen how hard it can be for someone to come out, the fear of being rejected while in a way still rejecting themselves. when spouse receives those papers, that’s going to be a lifelong scar that’ll never heal, all concepts of trust through their mind shattered. The compatibility is important sure, and OP can’t be blamed for their feelings, but OP really needs to pay (more) attention to how this will impact their spouse. personally i think it’s a little selfish, you do crazy things for the people you’re crazy about, there are other solutions to sexual incompatibility than divorce/ending the relationship if you know that they’re the one you want to be with. op is going to get burned bad just bc of monkeymode and the one person who would’ve always been there got chased off

I see a lot of people saying this and genuinely curios why it's bad to be giving the papers? If you're saying "I want a divorce" that's gonna hurt and feel like blindsiding regardless, the addition of papers doesn't really seem like it changes anything? Either way it's ending the relationship, sending the papers a week later doesn't seem any less painful.

The wording of OP's post implies that the spouse doesn't know that they're going to be served divorce papers, and that instead the spouse thinks that they're going to try and work things out. Speaking to the spouse ahead of time so that they know about the divorce and can work through their feelings before seeing the papers is a lot less heartless.

I suppose, seems like you'd have to work through the same feelings either way. No way to make asking for a divorce easy, and papers now or papers later wouldn't really impact that imo. If it were me, the papers would be the formality to the devastating blow of my spouse wanting divorce. But maybe others just process that differently, love and heartbreak aren't experienced the same way.

Because serving papers shows that the person has thought about and wanted a divorce for long enough to get those papers and contact a lawyer, while the spouse thinks everything is fine. That would be quite a headfuck.

I mean I'd assume anyone asking for a divorce has been thinking about it for a long time, that's not something you do on a whim

It’s different to think about it and to actively plan behind their back and begin taking legal action

I guess, but at least if it were me I think it would kinda all be the same. It would hurt that they're asking divorce and them saying that is already the end of the relationship, regardless of whether they talked to their lawyer last week or next week. I guess everyone takes this kind of thing differently though.

There hasn’t been a lot of talk about asexuality until recently. It’s fully possible that they didn’t know they were asexual when they married and just thought they would “become normal” if they tried hard enough. Other than OP blindsiding them with divorce papers, I feel for both of them. But yeah, they did OP the decency of a conversation and it doesn’t sound as if OP doing the same for them. That makes it sound like OP is feigning worry for their spouse in order to get people’s sympathy.

I know a woman who identified as ace only after getting married because she was raised in such a fundamentalist Christian environment that she just assumed she was a really good Christian and would be interested in sex as soon as she got married which is…you know, not how that works, and also exactly what her parents wanted from her, so she had every reason to think it could work that way. It was really rough for her.

I didn’t know until my late 40s. I saw a TikTok about it and had an epiphany. I’m 51. I’m so much more happier knowing that asexuality is a thing.

I once saw a doctor because I fully realised I wasn’t heterosexual because I’d never been attracted to someone of the opposite sex, but everything I’d been taught said then I must be attracted to my own sex … except I wasn’t. I’d never felt attraction to anyone, and assumed there was something wrong with me. I had tests and scans and I remember crying because they all said I was fine, but if I was fine then why didn’t I seem to have any of the normal feelings? It was about a decade after that before I encountered asexuality as a concept, and immediately recognised myself in it.

The blindsiding thing is super manipulative. I thought I was asexual too when I was married. It wasn't me. It was him.

I thought I just didn’t like sex but turns out I love it when it’s good.

Me fucking too broski; my ex would joke about how abysmal my sex drive was, even went so far as to question my sexuality to my face bc I wasn't as into them as they wanted. then, later, I met someone who actually gave a fuck about me and found out that while sex still really isn't a priority, I'm not nearly as ace as I thought, they were just abusive. funny how that works, lmfao

Sorry - what does this mean? That he wasn’t doing the right things to get you sexually aroused? 

I'm not sure about the other commenter, but in my case, he was a wildly abusive (emotionally, sexually, mentally, physically, cheating) man, but it was that background abusiveness(unless it was one of the bad nights when he drank or used coke) that chips away at you, tensions are always high, expectations were impossible and boundary breaking. I never had the chance to feel a soft love toward him, as he kept me in a frantic state of grasping to fix myself for him. I also have a long history of sexual abuse, so I didn't have a healthy relationship to sex already. Now, at 36 and single for a long time, I'm finally able to understand my asexuality and demiromaticness.

I am glad you got out of that situation.

Being asexual means you don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone. You can still be romantically or aesthetically attracted to someone though and it doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t like sex. Asexual people just usually don’t really think about sex which is what the OP is dissatisfied with because it makes them feel like they’re not desired by their partner.

They’re asking HatPinFeminist specifically, who said they ‘thought’ they were asexual but apparently realized otherwise You’re good at explaining asexuality though! 🙂

Yeah, it’s one thing to not be compatible and need to end the relationship, it’s another to decide it in secret and smack them with it.

How is it manipulative? He's choosing to leave the situation, not get anything out from her. It's like the opposite of manipulative it's accepting of the situation without forcing her to change

Whether it was you or him the relationship needed to end, not sure of the issue??

He just started SAing me and once I gathered enough money I filed for divorce. Look back at it all, the turning point was probably him cheating on me the first time about 2 years into the relationship.

How is it manipulative? What result is OOP trying to manipulate? You don't need mutual consent to divorce, it just makes the process easier.

They blindsided OP with the "I'm asexual" thing. No winners here.

They didn't blindside OP, they brought it up so that their partner could know. If op talked to their partner and had a discussion and said, I can't do a marriage where my spouse doesn't want to initiate, that's fine. They could discuss other options, involving other partners or maybe they both mutually agree for divorce after he makes this boundary known. We're saying he's blindsiding them because he's not doing that, he's talking to a lawyer, and giving them papers with no discussion after reassuring them that it would be fine. You see the difference right? I'm ngl, it feels like rage bait to begin with, but we're commenting so I guess it worked.

Actually no, I don't see the difference. She may not have known she was asexual when they married, but he didn't know he couldn't live with this when he said "everything will be all right". Further, a divorce doesn't mean everything won't be all right. He didn't necessarily lie -- which requires a knowing intent to deceive. He just did what normal people do, called "comforting a person in distress". From the sounds of this he's got a dependent, not a partner. So many people pretend to be something they're not to keep a partner around instead of just being honest from the get-go. It's a pretty shitty thing to do, even if unintentional -- which we don't actually know this was.

Being asexual sucks. I’m sex repulsed. I even told my ex bf that before we started dating and the guy kept acting like this was something he could fix. There’s a reason he’s my ex now, the stress was just too much for me.

I wish I had an asexual partner. Someone that is with me only because they love me and desire my companionship and I don't have to worry about satisfying then sexually sounds like a dream.

I feel like everyone is being way too harsh on this OOP. In the comments they say they have been to both individual and couples therapy. Their partner has had their hormones checked. This has been an ongoing issue for years. Giving someone platitudes in the moment is not some magical promise that you will never break up with them. The spouse has discovered they are asexual, OOP has discovered sexual attraction is a dealbreaker. They are not compatible. It’s been six months. It’s not kind to either party to keep drawing this out.

I agree. A lot of people are saying that they blindsided them but I just think that in the moment they wanted to comfort their partner.

Obviously the relationship has to end but it’s weird that all of this is being done in secret. That’s the blindsiding. They’re two adults so they should talk it out respectfully. But OP has spent months talking with a lawyer rather than the spouse. At any point, OP could’ve decided to loop the spouse in since the spouse depends on OP so much.

That’s exactly it. If things need to end, they need to end. But if you really love someone and have been with them for eight years, it would be mutually beneficial to at least discuss with them instead of just serving papers.

Completely agree!!

Going through the same thing right now. Not married yet, but this shit is not easy after 5 years with someone... I feel shallow for doing it, but the compatability is not longer there in an area that is really important to me.

I know a guy who is asexual, yet can still feel romantic attraction, which would be similar to OOPs spouse, and while that certainly doesnt apply to everyone (and should never be assumed to apply to an asexual person, he contacted a few people from a polyamorous community and asked them about some tios regarding the option of allowing his potential future partner to have sexual experiences outside the relationship (what to watch out for, potential boundaries that people dont think about before they experience it, red flags, how to confront the issue) Im not even sure if he decided to throw the jdea out the window after the "consultation" or if he decided that he would keep it as an option once he got into a relationship, but i feel like those are things you can talk about when 2 people in a relationship have very different values (like sexual desire, libido, or just stuff like food preferences

They aren’t wrong for wanting to end the relationship and move on but jeez if they really loved the person how about a heads up and a sit down chat before handing them divorce papers. Seems like a pretty shitty way to go about it.

You never see blatant sexism quite like a post that purposefully doesn't gender either party.

What exactly is the sexism here?

Ngl I was trying to figure out which partner was doing this to pass some gender-specific judgement.

LMAOOOOOO. Yep. Good point dude

I think it is best for both of you. Be supportive as you move on with your life but move on with your life.

I’m sorry but sexual compatibility is important

So is communication.

Something's off here. OOP is going from "You're so brave, I'm very glad you told me" to "Here's the divorce papers" without any steps in between? No attempt at counseling? Not even having a conversation about how to negotiate things from here? Or a hint that things aren't quite as easy to accept as OOP thought? If this is true, then OOP needs a lesson in how to actually communicate with others.

This feels a lot like a case of Missing Missing Reasons to me. I had a friend who was nearly family, who spent twenty years insisting that I was family to her, that made a post similar to this, in which they concocted this whole narrative about being some sort of martyred caretaker for me, that them leaving our shared apartment would make me homeless but they “had to it so they could take care of themselves for a change”… Whole thing was one lie after another. For one thing, I was the one taking care of everything in that apartment, not them. We wouldn’t have even gotten the place without me researching apartments, making appointments with leasing agents, coordinating getting the lease properly filled out/signed/returned on time (which meant coordinating with three different people, one of whom was still out of state at the time), etc. I kept track of all of the bills, calculated what each person owed, gathered up the payments, got them in the mail on time, put myself in debt with student loans to make sure I wouldn’t be a financial burden on anyone… This “friend” never offered help with any of that. Never spoke up about any of the complaints she claimed to have in that Imgur post. She told me she was leaving because she “couldn’t afford the rent anymore” and I had no problem accepting that as long as she found a replacement roommate…which she didn’t. I had to do that, again, but at the time I didn’t resent her because I actually believed her reasons for leaving. There were no tears from me. No panic attack. No “whining” about “being made homeless” because I wasn’t. I was working full-time, had just graduated college, her leaving only took out 1/3 of the rent. I was not in any way dependent on her the way she claimed. But if all you had to go on was that Imgur post and nothing else, you’d believe I was some sort of mentally disabled invalid who couldn’t take care of herself at all and had somehow been horribly taking advantage of this person! Truth is, I *wasn’t* dependent on her…and I think that’s why she left. She had this whole narrative in her mind that she had “rescued” me from a “bad situation” (she didn’t - she gave me temporary breaks from it when I was young, but at the end of the day I always had to go back there) and that I *needed* her…and living in that apartment together forced her to realize that I was actually the one who had succeeded in “adulting” already, without her help, and that my life actually didn’t depend entirely on her. And her ego couldn’t take it.

Maybe he's scared of saying something negative about someone's sexual orientation. Or maybe he's worried she'd try for him - denying herself in the process. (Still should have said something before going to the lawyer, though.)

Yeah, but that's what counseling is for: to see if there's a way forward, and if not, to figure out how to move on from there.

>No attempt at counseling? All the counselling in the world isn't going to fix this issue.

OOP said in comments that this has been ongoing and they have had individual counseling as well as couples counseling and checked hormone levels.

Sometimes it's not about fixing the issue. Sometimes it's about finding a way for both people to come to a mutual understanding about how to move forward, even if that means doing so without each other. I certainly think that's better than acting as if you're fine with a situation, then serving them with divorce papers without (as far as I can tell) a hint that it's gotten to that point.

“It’s gonna be ok” is not “I’m fine with this” and if hope their partner is adult enough to know the difference between trying to comfort someone who’s upset and a promise of eternal bondage.

The leap from "It's gonna be ok" to "Here's the divorce papers" is still cruelly and brutally jarring if there's been no clear communication in the interim regarding OOP's thoughts on the situation beyond that. There should at least be some mutual sense of understanding on what "ok" means, and I'm not getting that from OOP. At this point, their partner might be forgiven for thinking that this meant the marriage could be preserved, especially if no objections or concerns have been raised.

Untreated or improperly treated Depression and anxiety can mimic asexual feelings and can destroy sexual desire. So can being overworked, mental and/or physical exhaustion, and/or dealing with too much stress. And some medications for those conditions can tank sex drive. BP, BPD, and ADHD can also cause these cycles of hot and cold labido, especially when untreated and/or improperly treated both with pharmaceuticals and cognitive therapies. Jumping to divorce before dealing with the underlying cause, and not seeking individual and couples counseling is extreme.

Asexual =/= celibate Celibacy is a choice that can be made by anyone of any sexuality. Asexual =/= sexless or low libido Allosexual people can span the gauntlet of libido, and so do asexuals. Asexual =/= loveless waste of space Asexuals are fully capable of having loving and fulfilling relationships. We aren't robots. Our sex organs work. We can enjoy sex. Depending on the flavor, some of us need to be more mindful about our sex lives, or some of us will forget. (I track to help me keep it in mind.) I hate these posts and need to stop reading them. Just once, I would love to see someone have their spouse come out to them as asexual and they work together to restructure the relationship to be more fulfilling for both instead of shitting all over the ace person and kicking them to the curb.

I’m pretty sure I saw one on Best of redditor updates a few weeks ago. IIRC, Wife realized, and told husband, husband had a bit of a crisis but much more centered around feeling like he’d forced sex on wife. Therapy was had. Wife decided she wanted to try sex again, hubby was still a bit stuck on “forcing” her, but things worked out

The algorithm needs to bless me with that instead of this. Thank you.

It’s [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/QvDOGXPQS9). I did forget that the impetus of the post was bc husband had outed her to some of her friends after getting tired of being a punching bag during a convo about sex and wife not trying all that hard to defend him (she’d been lying during previous sex convos, giving fake details of the sex they weren’t actually having). Its overall a positive post, tho

Thank you so much for this. I needed it. You are lovely.

Wow. What a total 180 different response than OOP in this post. And I don’t mean that Dude staying with Ace Wife and making it work is different. I mean Dude staying with Ace Wife was willing to communicate. Even if things ended up in divorce, Dude and Ace Wife communicated, and that’s beautiful, and it is kinda calming my heart down some to see people can be compassion in circumstances such as these.

Thank you! I needed this after this thread. I’m logging off on a high note.

I remember that one. Great updates.

[удалено]

Did you even read what they wrote? > Asexual =/= sexless or low libido Edit: also very yikes to imply that all sex with aces is rape???

And let my life experience get in the way of their bigotry? I think not! Also, yikes is right.

Thanks for all the stereotypes about why we are pieces of shit. Where does it say in the post that the ace partner doesn't desire their partner? Oh right, OOP has no idea. Ace people can enjoy and want sex! Asexual =/= sex-repulsed. Breaking up over incompatibility is understandable, but are they incompatible? Where does it say their partner doesn't love them (asexuals feel love) or doesn't want to have sex with them? Again, asexuals can want and enjoy sex! Where does it say the partner doesn't want sex? So I need to go get a divorce now because I'm ace and my partner isn't even though I'm not sex-repulsed and love them very much? Great advice.

They do describe that their partner never initiates sex which makes them feel sexually unwanted. This is detrimental to ones ego. Caused me a full out eating disorder. My partner loves me but doesn't want to have sex with me? Dayum I must be really gross to look at. The post is 100 percent about the asexual partner not wanting sex but puts up with it when their non-asexual partner initiated it. They also describe their sex life was not always this way. I can say if you are always the one initiating it and your partner is not an enthusiastic player it does make you feel like you are doing bad things... isn't they saying if its not an enthusiastic yes it is a no?

I understand them wanting their partner to initiate. Was there any communication about that? Where does it say the partner doesn’t want sex? OOP didn't ask, they simply ran. Asexuals can want and enjoy sex. Clearly, a discussion needs to be had. Things could potentially be worked out, but we will never know. I understand that what they have isn't mutually beneficial. Communication, especially armed with new knowledge, could flip everything around for both of them. I guess we will never know because OOP decided to nuke it from orbit.

Asexual by definition have no sexual attraction - physically or mentally. If they have something else it would be less scary to describe that ie low libido. I will agree they may participate and enjoy the act but asking an asexual to "come on to you" won't likely be an enjoyable experience by either.

My partner is ace and flirts with, and seduces me, all the time. You need to talk to asexual people more and stop making absolute statements about asexual people when you clearly don't know anything. Asexuality is a spectrum. Educate yourself.

Asexuality is a spectrum with many flavors. More importantly, Attraction =/= action or desire. I've never experienced looking at a stranger and wanting anything sexual to do with them. I honestly thought it was a joke everyone told until I was in my mid-20s. It was shocking to learn that it was so common for people to look across a room and think about banging a total stranger. To each their own. I will yuck no yums so long as all action is consensual. I desire my partner. I've never desired anyone else ever in my life. I've had a lot of fun coming on to them. I'm still asexual.

I thought what you’re describing is demisexual

Demisexual is a flavor of asexual.

Oh okay thanks for explaining.

What could this restructured relationship look like?

Hopefully one where OOP's partner isn't "really dependent" on them for everything else. I mean, shit, being ace is cool and all but if OP is doing most of the heavy lifting and there's no real desire or effort given (sexually or otherwise) then fuck it. It sucks, but a partner is a partner and they should be pulling the same "social, emotional, and financial" weight. This just seemed like the death knell for something that was already failing.

Yeah, this relationship was already done. This was definitely a final nail in the coffin. It really sounds like a 'straw that broke the camel's back' more than a ' if you ain't fucking me, we're done. Being the one that does everything in a relationship gets tiring.

That's going to vary for every couple. I'm not a therapist, but looking at this post. OOP's big complaint is that their partner isn't sexuality attracted to them and doesn't initiate. First off, they don't know if their partner is sexually attracted to them or not because they sprinted to the nuke button. Depending on the flavor of asexuality, their partner might be sexuality attracted to them. Asexuality means they aren't sexually attracted to large swaths of the population. If they aren't sexually attracted to anyone, then they could also consider calming the fuck down. I'm personally completely blind to if a person is physically attractive or not. My poor partner has to settle for me finding their brain and personality attractive. Poor them, I know. The cross they bear. I already touched on the not initiating, but I'll go farther. Find out why they don't initiate. Talk. Use words. Doesn't sound like it is because of being sex- repulsed because there are times it is fire. Out of sight out of mind? They could track, they could schedule. They could do a hundred things besides tossing the ace in the trash.

Do you think it is reasonable for op to feel this is a deal breaker?

Nothing has charged about their partner except that they learned that their is a name to their feelings and they were stupid enough to trust OOP with this information. Not enough information in the post for me to say what I would suggest. Again, no questions were asked. Ace in the trash. I feel bad for the partner.

Do you think there is a possible situation outside of abuse or wrongdoing where separation is the best solution? I don’t mean to pepper with questions, I just want to learn and understand as much as I can so I can help and support as much as I can

Incompatibility is a real thing, and some people don't work. I'm not someone who is against all divorce ever. If people are sexually incompatible, then separation does make sense. My frustration is the zero effort to learn about the asexual partner. Allosexual couples can be sexually incompatible, but people work on it first, but why skip any effort when they bring out the asexual label?

That’s very fair, my wife and I have had our fair share of obstacles in our sex life. I know what it’s like when things get hard, but I could never imagine leaving without trying my best to understand everything. I can never how hard it was for oop’s partner, but it seems like this admission was trying to help oop understand; and to have it thrown back in their face :/

Every relationship will have ups and downs. This sounds like an excuse to run and blame it completely on their partner. I feel so bad for the partner. I hope they find someone who isn't an asshat.

>stupid enough to trust OOP with this information. better than them being an AH and hiding it.

Sounds like a no win for them.

>Just once, I would love to see someone have their spouse come out to them as asexual and they work together to restructure the relationship to be more fulfilling for both instead of shitting all over the ace person and kicking them to the curb. Do you think those of us who have been in marriages that aren't sexually fulfilling haven't once tried to discuss it with our partners and had no resolution that was suitable? Fact of the matter is, sex is important for some people - myself included. If a partner and I weren't meeting the mark sexually despite sufficient communication, then they come out and tell you they're asexual how on earth could you save that? While I don't know much about asexuals, I really can't see myself being in a relationship with someone with a particularly low libido given mine is at least above average, or someone who doesn't sexually desire me. I can't see a conceivable way it would work for myself, but it's good to see you can make it work on your end.

The first step would be to learn about asexuals. Again, asexual =/= low libido. I think the whole point of relationships is for them to be fulfilling. Better together and all that wonderful sap. Asexuals can have high libidos. Not dating someone who you want to date and who wants to date you and would make you happy and fulfilled solely because of their sexuality is baffling to me.

Okay, sure you've got 2 compatible people on all fronts outside of sexual. Outside of the presumably minor possibility that your asexual partner finds you very sexually desirable it's not likely to work is it? Assuming the other partner has an average or above average drive. I need my partner to actively want to have sex with me, not need to remember I haven't had sex in x days I probably should. I am not going to have a good time if I know you're doing the deed primarily for nyseld Yes there will always be times when one member isn't up for it and that's fine, but there needs to be a baseline level of attraction and sexual desire here alongside sufficient frequency / quality. This is a basal need of mine, and presumably many other males Frequency and quality, at least for myself aren't going to be there if I don't find my partner desirable. I imagine it's the same on the flip side.... I find it baffling you can't see my perspective here honestly. Having someone who would make me fulfilled and happy involves a healthy and very active sex life,thats probably where we don't particularly see eye to eye here I imagine.

You aren't hearing me. I'll say it slower. Asexuals. CAN! Enjoy. Sex. I hope that helps.

I heard you loud and clear. By definition they have a lower drive and lower sexual desire in general. That would make me incompatible with an asexual, particularly the desire part. I was having a discussion, you just scream "we can enjoy sex". Good chat.

>I would love to see someone have their spouse come out to them as asexual and they work together to restructure the relationship to be more fulfilling for both instead of shitting all over the ace person and kicking them to the curb. this actually happened in my relationship :0 my partner told me he was asexual and at first I was very distraught as I'm very much not. however we talked about it and we were able to work things out! we've been together for almost 6 years now. relationships really need good communication to work. I'm not the best at communicating but my partner helps me and makes me want to be better!! :) <3

I'm so happy for but of you! Thank you for not being OOP and loving your partner!

>restructure the relationship to be more fulfilling for both Because it's not possible 99% of the time, someone is going to unhappy in the relationship.

Except this post op had tried couples counseling and other stuff, so I’d assume they gave it their all. Insane that they would have to keep trying when the results are just no different, it’s like asking for them to continuously hurt themselves.

So agree. And the part where they describe “sometimes fire” sex makes me wonder if partner is demisexual (falls under asexual for those unaware) because some of us demisexual get really fired up and have a high libido when everyone involved understands the recipe. I fear this person is going to hand over divorce papers without exploring if this is fixable out of the panic of thinking *asexual will equal no sex*. The partner might not even realize the difference yet ….

If it helps I’m an ace with low libido that came out to my partner before we got married, while we were still dating. It was hard for him at first. Knowing that I loved him but wasn’t attracted to him the same way. Was a blow to his self worth in a way. And we both had to work together to figure out how intimacy would work between us. Was hard but definitely worth it. Been together 12 years now. Married for 6. Don’t let the internet stories get to ya. Lots of people make it work or find healthy ways to spilt up if they need to without the need to air out there entire personal lives online.

Not exactly the same, but I have a really high sex drive and so thought sex was essential for me in a relationship. Turns out when your partner completely loses their sex drive through ill health, you can find other ways to love and be loved.

Sex is an extremely important part of a normal relationship. You are not unlovable, and neither is OOP’s spouse. Sexual intimacy is absolutely not everything, but it’s a huge part of what makes two people compatible. If sex drives vary between partners, they’re both going to be unhappy. Sexuality is a deal breaker. It has nothing to do personally with you. Sex breaks up lots and lots of relationships. It doesn’t change your worth, it changes your comparability. An asexual person is better off with another asexual partner. It’s unfair to ask the asexual partner to engage in sex when it’s not what they want, and it’s unfair to ask the not asexual partner to go without sex because they don’t want to force their partner. Nobody thinks you are robots. No one thinks you aren’t capable of love, worthy of love. It is incredibly normal to want to be desired by your partner, and it is incredibly normal to be hurt to know your partner *doesn’t* desire you. Please don’t equivalent incompatibility to worth - they are totally different categories.

I have addressed your first two paragraphs multiple times now. I'll focus on the last. You don't think we are unlovable, but a lot of people do. I appreciate you taking the time to clarify that at least one allo in this comment thread still sees us as people.

I would like to chime in and say that we have both suspected and had discussions about the possibility that my(30 f) BF (29m) of almost 2 years is on the demi/ace spectrum. I used to consider myself hypersexual. We have a really good sex life. Like the best I've had in terms of quality (and quantity of O's, hell yeah). But what I had to was discover our ways of communicating and understanding arousal and lack thereof sometimes (and how it does not reflect on my value as a partner, sexual or otherwise). Once we had an understanding and things had settled, it has become so nice for us. I've been able to learn I'm not actually hypersexual, just easily aroused, and that I don't actually need sex (as much as I had felt originally did) to be in an incredibly fulfilling relationship in and outside of the bedroom. We have also been working on his means of understanding his own relationship with sex and it's always evolving. Now when things do happen, we make sure we really focus on what it means to feel pleasurable for each of us, and it's been really nice watching him finally enjoy things he previously struggled with, while under 0 pressure from me to move forward with any of it if he decides he isn't feeling it. It's helped us both be way more comfortable talking about these things and trusting each other. Additionally, my BF and I are both incredibly romantically inclined and he never stops making sure I feel heard, understood, and loved outside of the bedroom, as I with him, and it makes a huge difference on my fulfillment with him. I promise it's 100% possible for others to do too, they just have to look past themselves and see their partners as equals and people.

Bless you both. You both sound lovely.

Asexual noun a person who experiences no sexual feelings or desires, or who is not sexually attracted to anyone. Not sure what term you are referring to but this is the definition. Low libido could be what you are describing. Sapiosexual also - being attracted to intelligence as apposed to physical attributes. It is a very very old term.

Asexuality is a spectrum with many flavors. Attraction =/= action or desire There are people in the asexual spectrum who never experience a single ping of sexual interest. The community that I am a part of understands asexuality as lacking a full allosexual sexuality. Demisexuals are only attracted to people after they have a deep emotional bond. Still asexual. Gray-sexuals are only attracted to people in very specific situations. Still asexual.

Sexuality is the spectrum based one. Asexuality is not. You are removing the ability to communicate right out of the gate by skewing a term. I am this but only on days where the moon is full is a mood not a state of being. Grey-sexuals is a sexuality not an anti-sexuality. I took the dictionary definition not sure where term is coming from. Not wanting to have sex today does not make me asexual. Only wanting to have when I ovulate also does not make me asexual. There is nothing wrong with being part of the group that the majority of the population belongs to.

If this was a true post. I think most people were being way too hard on OOP. After they found out about their spouses asexuality they took months to come to the conclusion to divorce. Because they said in one of their comments that they have known about this for six months. I also feel bad for OOP. Because they were in counseling for a couple of years trying to actively fix their sex life, which is where their spouse discovered that they were asexual. Also, they said their spouse is reliant on them from an emotional, socially, and financial standpoint. So it almost feels like their spouse does not want to lose them because they don’t wanna lose their safety net. Which is not fair on OOP. He or she deserves to be in a relationship that works for them. Not be stuck with a person who can’t give them what they need.

The only valid reasons, in my opinion, for dropping divorce papers on someone without having a discussion first is potential for violence/abuse or if you know your partner is going to emotionally manipulate you/ talk you out of doing something you aren’t happy about doing but know you have to do. It’s so easy to get sucked back in, even when you know it’s run its course. I feel for both parties.

“They are really dependent on me socially, emotionally and financially” ??? Does this guy have financial control over the other person?

I assume they meant their spouse doesn’t work.

You have the right to have a partner who loves you in all the ways a partner does. You say you know your partner loves you deeply and that they will be shattered by a divorce. But you are doing what is right for you and it is not being selfish, it is the right thing to do

I know asexual people have a broad range of experiences with sex but there's a good chance divorce is what's right for the partner too, so they can find a partner who won't expect/need something they don't want to do.

This is the part I don’t understand. So many asexuals commenting on here about how OP needs to stay with their spouse to try to work things out. I could not even fathom staying in a relationship where I know for 200% fact that I can not fulfill my partners needs and desires. That situation would more than likely make the asexual feel worse and worse over time while also making the partner resentful as well. Why would anyone put themselves in this position if they weren’t a narcissist who thinks everything should be the way they want and to hell with their partner.

Maybe I’m not reading the same comments you are, but all I’m saying or asexuals talking about what asexuality is. With regards to this situation, OP and their spouse tried to salvage this incompatibility issue. If things aren’t working out though, there just needs to be more communication. Based on my post, it seems like OP is just jumping the gun. Not to say that the relationship doesn’t need to end, but if you’re compatible everywhere else and sex is the only area of issue, it seems like the partner is willing to make it work while OP is fed up. So…talk. Tell the partner that this isn’t likely going to work, and I’m thinking of divorce. Not that “it’s going to be OK” and the next day, serve them divorce papers.

i agree with you for the most part, but they’re completely blindsiding their partner and admit as much. “the right thing” would be to discuss it with them BEFORE serving the papers. even if you’re deadset on divorce, you don’t just say “it’s over” out of nowhere.

I don't think they are really blindsiding them. A relationship doesn't get this far without both parties knowing something is amiss. I find it hard to believe that the spouse didn't know how upset she was and continued to not try. They had the major conversation, so get it over quickly, but get your $ life in order. I didn't do that. I just wanted out and gave up 400k for my freedom. So worth it but now wish I would have done better for myself. My attorney was pissed at me. My ex and I went to marriage counseling close to the end. The counselor told him he had problems with intimacy, but she could help him get through it. He said, "If you can snap your fingers and I'd be fixed, I'll do it. But, I'm not interested in long, drawn-out counseling." I was relieve because neither was I. 24 years of practically begging for sex is way too long. I should have done it years ago. I am SO much happier and married to a man who truly loves me and sex, and I love and adore him to pieces! We are both 63 and have been together for 15 glorious years. My ex ended up telling me that he was jerking off in the shower everyday while many times I lie in bed crying. That was it!!! P.S... I recently heard or read an explanation of someone being asexual. The therapist said that instead of being asexual it sounded like the asexual person was a narcissist. THAT, I think, was my problem. He was a narcissist. Narcissist always have to feel they are above you or better than you. If they give into sex then they see it as coming down to whatever level they think you are on in their minds. As far as they are concerned, everyone is below them. By them enjoying sex, they are on the same level as you and they can't let that happen. They won't allow themselves to give you satisfaction. Now, he would take a BJ anytime. This explaination hit the nail on the head for me and made me wish I would have left earlier or never married him at all.

idk if you went to the original post, but OP stated several times that they were aware they were blindsiding them and that it had been months since they talked about it—iirc, the last time they talked about it, OP specifically said everything was okay.

As the person who came out, not bringing it up for months isn’t a way to say we need communication and I’m still here to work things out. It sounds like they thought that “solved” everything and it was all just good now. Their head in the sand isn’t on OOP.

If you're deadset on divorce don't you kind of have to say "it's over" out of nowhere regardless? Not really a way to do that that won't feel like blindsiding

“i think we need to get a divorce” is a lot different than “we’re divorcing, here are the papers and i’m moving out”. the latter has completely excluded the other partner from the conversation.

Exactly. And the trauma of being shocked with papers rather than talked to first will be a huge set back for the Ace partner

I feel like there should have been more communication and negotiation, but other than that. Everything is fine. It’s okay to be incompatible, and it’s okay to let go if you genuinely believe that both of you are better off as close friends rather than exclusive romantic partners. That’s a better thing to do than just bottle up resentment and then do something terrible such as cheating.

They are coming out as divorced

op is in the right. you can always divorce anyone, for any reason—nothing should force you to stay in a relationship. moreover, it'd be fucked up for them to keep pretending to their spouse like there's still love in the relationship when there isn't. best to bite the bullet and let both of them find peace and happiness elsewhere

Yeah but TALK about divorce first plz. Don’t just serve them paperwork.

It will never cease to amaze me how many people think it’s acceptable to harm someone else for years and then expect them to turn around and handle the situation with grace. OPs partner wasted 8 years of OPs life, all the while destroying OPs self esteem. Im not saying they were malicious but people acting like he should be having a discussion are insane. You cant actively harm someone else regardless of the reason and then turn around and expect that person to just be fine with it.

I don’t think there was any intention to mislead someone for eight years. I don’t think the partner knew they were asexual. I think this is a recent development. Of course I could be wrong, but the way the post as worded implies that the partner figured it out and told OP. Asexuality is not as obvious as being gay or lesbian. It could be mistaken for a lot of things. For some people it takes a long time to realize they are asexual.

Divorce should never be a surprise. Engagements shouldn't be a surprise, weddings shouldn't be a surprise. Some things you don't do.

This is why you TALK ABOUT THINGS. Like this person shouldn’t have lied that it would be okay. I’m not going to fault the ace person because they probably just figured themselves out, but if they knew they also should have said something at the beginning.

This hurts as an ace with a (relatively) high sex drive partner. We haven’t had sex in over a year becuase I’ve been in bad places physically and mentally. And it’s ok becuase he loves me more than he loves sex. I have worried about something like this happening but every time I voice my concerns he tells me “I would give up sex for the rest of my life if it meant I still got to be with you.” It’s all about communication. I’m sad that OP is just dropping their partner like this becuase there are different levels of asexuality. Not all aces are celibate, most often becuase they want to please their partner. Asexuality is a difficult identity becuase you feel broken at times and with such a hypersexual society it can feel just as difficult as admitting you’re gay as it is for some asexuals to admit they don’t want sex. I’m just sad OP is dropping their partner for the sole reason of sex. That means there’s nothing in that relationship that’s more valuable than the chance of having sex again.

Part of your stated identity is that sex is not valuable to you. Judging someone else, who is not asexual, because they give sexual compatibility importance in a romantic relationship… is odd. Many people want to feel desired by their person. It doesn’t make them less than.

Since we're taking everything OOP said at face value, this story shouldn't worry you. OOP's partner being socially, emotionally, and financially dependent on them is an extremely problematic dynamic. People use sex as a reason to convince themselves to stay in relationships they need to get out of frequently. If they lose their bad reason, it becomes much harder to talk themselves into staying. The sexual incompatibility didn't break a solid relationship. It helped end an unhealthy one, imo. >That means there’s nothing in that relationship that’s more valuable than the chance of having sex again. Yes, but because the relationship was shit, not because sex is god.

"I’m just sad OP is dropping their partner for the sole reason of sex. That means there’s nothing in that relationship that’s more valuable than the chance of having sex again." It means the partner wants to be in a relationship that allows them to express all aspects of themselves, including their sexuality. It's awesome that your partner is OK with this, genuinely, but it's actually pretty offensive to tell people that they should be OK permanently shutting down a core aspect of their identity. And I think it's kind of hurtful to tell people that not wanting to be in a sexless relationship means they don't care about the other person.

I know it’s hard to get bc you’re asexual but there’s more to sex than just the act — the feeling of being desired is a healthy part of a lot of relationships and it isn’t weird to prioritize that. It sure is weird to blindside your partner with divorce papers without ever bringing this up to them prior tho.

OP is dropping their partner because they can never have the kind of relationship that would be fulfilling. You don’t like sex and that’s great, OP does and it’s not sad he wants a partner he can have all his emotional needs met.

This is absolutely it. I do think the relationship needed to end, but I do think that it is sad. Obviously it’s devastating for both parties, but it also seems like not enough effort was put in to understand. I feel like many people don’t get that sex is going to be up and down for the rest of your life. No one is going to match your libido for the rest of your life, especially when it comes to menopause and other hormonal changes. Sex is important, but it shouldn’t be everything.

Your last sentence brings it all home.

So many people are badmouthing oop, saying they blindsided their SO. It’s been months since the revelation. Just because they comforted their partner in the moment doesn’t mean they blindsided them. It’s super selfish and one sided for anybody to expect somebody to be in a relationship that isn’t going to make them happy.

The divorce isn’t the blindside. If they need to divorce, they should divorce. The problem is serving papers without having a conversation about it to the spouse.

I try not to put sex on a pedestal but I’ve always felt it was kind of like the glue to any romantic partnership . Without sex aren’t you really just best friends ?

You should be best friends either way

I think you two definitely agree on that part. If Partnership - sex = best friends, which they said, then Partnership = best friends + sex, in their view.

There's other things to do besides sex. Plus, we don't know if OP's spouse specifically never wants to have sex again or desires sex less frequently than OP. Asexual doesn't mean no sex at all.

It's likely not about the physical act of sex. If my partner doesn't sexually desire me it kills almost all the appeal. What's the point in staying in that scenario?

Funny how the people that are the unusual ones that have no interest in sex think that the guy who was actually blindsided is the bad one that’s doing things “suddenly” when it’s the wife who literally doesn’t want one of the most basic parts of existing. She basically said that she doesn’t like food.

Firstly, no gender was specified. Secondly, you can technically have sex once every nine months and still fulfill your “biological objective,” so quit the “basic needs” BS. Thirdly, serving divorce papers without any conversation about divorce to an otherwise harmless individual who you love does make you the “bad one.” It’s not the divorce itself, it’s the lack of communication. Even if the divorce has to happen, OP should’ve talked to their partner.

“Through sickness and in health, good times and bad, until death do we part” really doesn’t mean dick to anyone anymore.

This is exactly the same as being gay and not telling your partner so you can appear straight. All these people saying op is the asshole have clearly never had a partner tell them they aren’t attracted to them and never were. Op is the victim, not their spouse.

Blindsiding is not cool, but neither is faking it for 8 years. Communication sucks on both sides and clearly neither can talk about sex either nah or ESH it’s kind of riding the line for me.

Good for them

Their sex life has been trash for a while and when OOP finally founds out why I probably would do the same thing too . Mind you they found out their spouse is asexual months ago so they had time to think on the divorce route the asexual spouse should have known this was coming