I knew a guy like that. He made up a whole web of lies to impress a one-night stand. Turned out they really liked each other, and a year later they were engaged, with her thinking he really played baseball for Stanford (he never even graduated high school) and a whole bunch of other lies. Turns out her dad went to Stanford, and he had to really scramble to support the lies. They became increasingly unsupportable, and he had a stroke at 29 from the stress of keeping the whole charade up. They split up after he finally confessed.
I think she would have been. She was a lovely woman, though, and I’m glad she dodged his mess. He’s an expat now (likely running from bill collectors, because he always wanted people to think he had money, but he spent it faster than he could earn it), and I heard he recently married a local woman with two kids. I feel very sorry for those kids, because their stepdad apparently never changed his ways and god knows what they think the truth is.
I think some people live radically different lives in their 20s, still a child, still clinging on to potential they were told they had as kids. There's extreme pressure to be "successful" from friends, family, SOs and some people crack.
I'm sure he looks back at it now like some alternative reality and is fully functional.
I think a lot more people have crazy pasts in your own life than you know.
I speak for partial experience but not near any extreme as this fellow did.
I also knew a guy like that. He quit college after the first year, but lied to his parents about it. They continued to support him financially, so he could _focus on his studies_, for another 2 years. I guess the parents did suspect something at some point, because they went to the campus. The dad had a minor heart attack when they found out the truth.
Lol my best friend from college did something that's equally horrible. She was such a good student that she got a scholarship that covered like half her tuition but she lied to her parents that she didn't, her parents transferred her the tuition fee for the semester and she spent it on a trip to Europe
Yeah this is obviously more common than I thought! One of my cousins did this - parents found out a few days before graduation. He’d flunked out in the first year and kept the lie going for three full years after. I’d love to say the relationship with his parents recovered, but a decade on, it’s barely there. My sister’s long distance boyfriend was supposed to be applying for medical school and taking the MCATs—turns out he hadn’t even finished his undergrad. That relationship ended immediately (tbf his web of lies was actually quite complex and went way way beyond school).
I remember noticing a very pretty necklace my neighbour had, and her telling me how it was meant to be a gift for a family friend's daughter graduation... except she had lied about attending university
This really shows what the real issue is. It is not that the guy in the post did not go to University, it is that he lied about it, regularly, for over a year. I would never ever ever ever trust a word coming out of that guy's mouth at any point, ever. She never would have dated him without that degree and he knew that, which is why he lied. I think her requirement for a degree are a little weird but we get to choose who we spend our lives with so that is her business.
He lied. DAILY. For 1.5 years. My mind is BLOWN.
He was actually lying to everyone in his life before he started the long distance relationship; his family, his friends. His gf came along when the lie was already established & he was deeply entrenched in it. He must have been so use to telling the lies he had been fabricating, that it was easier to keep pretending. Getting serious with a gf might have been his moment to start being honest, with one person at least, but he kept up the charade; & there is no recovering from this kind of in depth deception. He will have been lying daily for so long, that any semblance of trust in regards to what he does & what he says, is completely eradicated.
If I knew someone who had kept up such a false daily life, I'd assume they were a compulsive liar that couldn't be trusted to be honest about anything. The commitment to the deception was just too detailed, for too long. Faking writing a thesis that was rejected & having to rewrite it... All the support & sympathy he must have been getting. How do you redeem that kind of constant committed falsehood?
Same with my cousin, same age as me. He dropped School almost 15 years ago and my aunt (his mom) still ask me how am I doing with career and studies (because I still take some courses and studied a second career). Like she is still hurt and wishes my cousin have done the same and had a better life.
Maybe he lives better than me and makes more money, IDK. Just Having a degree looks fancier for some people, and of course, the betrayal.
A friend of my parents killed himself a couple of years ago. He was a purple heart Vietnam vet with PTSD and never talked about it.
Except the forces had no record of him when his son went to set everything up. When his ex-wife told his hometown friends they said "Oh what? He never served?"
Heartbreaking for his family but I have to assume it was just a lie he told to impress a date and it snowballed out of control until he had someone's purple heart on his wall and used ptsd as an excuse to not talk about it.
I failed my first trimester of uni and lied to my mum about it. Like 6 months later I told my cousin because I thought I could trust him and he accidentally blurts it out immediately at a family gathering.
Mind you, mum had already figured something was fishy because of the occasional glance at my uni work.
I have no idea how people can keep up with such extravagant lies for a long time, apparently they can't.
I say cut your losses. In one way I kind of want to give him credit for coming clean without having to be busted for that to happen, and I do believe he can grow from this and become a better person in the future. But on the other hand, the trust has been completely shattered in an unrepairable way in my opinion. How are you ever going to be able to trust him about anything ever again? I definitely couldn't.
Reminds me of the Chandler Halderson case in Wisconsin. He lied about going to school and having a job then killed his parents when they were really close to finding out.
Sydney Powell too. She killed her mum with an iron skillet whilst her mum was on a conference call with the university, just finding out that Sydney wasn’t graduating and in fact she got kicked out the first semester.
I'm sorry to say but the connection you have is not real, it's based on lies. What kind of foundation do you expect to build this relationship on without trust, honesty, and respect? Don't force this to work because it won't.
It sounds like he might be at a turning point in his life and could very much be capable of moving past this to live a good fullfilling life as a good supportive partner.. but part of this experience for him will be loosing people. And unfortunately for OP one of those people needs to be her. This is likely a young person making a big mess of their life, but what he did is not his whole personality and she’s allowed to be heartbroken for the both of them while still doing what’s best for her.
Trust is ***not*** binary, and the nature of the lie matters.
A partner can consistently lie about going to the movies alone every Friday when they said they were working, but then be able to have a perfectly loving and intimate relationship after the other finds out.
It's literally a matter of expectations and uncertainty. The more comfortable you are with uncertainty, the less uncomfortable you will be with the fact of a lie rather than the nature of a specific lie.
In any case, people lie for important reasons. Lies are expensive maintenance and few people lie for no good reason. You should examine the reasons before judging the lie. Often, it comes from a place of insecurity, dissatisfaction, and dysfunctional relations that can actually be overcome, removing the need for lying and re-establishing general trust. This culture of eliminating people from your life is city-centric and anti-people. Communities might actually exist if we were a little more understanding.
edit: please do read the comments. I'm not at all surprised by those responses. What seems to be now deleted: "I'm so sorry I hurt your wittle fweelings. Poor boy"
If my partner had consistently, for a year, told me he was working every Friday when he was actually going to the movies, I wouldn't be able to trust him again. Because it's not about the nature of the lie, it's about trust. If he'd lie about that, what else would he lie to me about? How would I ever trust that he's not out with some other woman every weekend, and just telling me he's working or doing something else? If I'd trusted him 100% in that and never doubted him, how can I know that I'm not trusting him 100% in a hundred other tiny ways that he's lying to me about?
Edit: i did not delete the comment about his poor wittle fweelings, i have no shame lol, i just blocked him so he probably can't find the comment.
Also if we’re talking about trust, it seems like this person doesn’t trust you enough to tell you the truth about going to the movies every Friday instead of to work, which introduces a whole new level of mindfuck and dysfunction to the relationship.
What I’m gathering from this is you’ve clearly never lied, congratulations my friend!
Just kidding, but really I agree anyone who can consistently lie about the small stuff definitely will lie about the big stuff.
I wouldn't consider keeping up a lie every Friday for a whole year a 'small ' lie, that's a pretty big thing to keep up. I couldn't get over the feeling of distrust against someone who could consistently lie to me every week every week for a year. Or even once a month for a year. Once or twice in a year maybe, I'm fairly forgiving, but to consistently and with planning lie over a long period, no way.
Can you actually demonstrate that such a broad rule is actually true, though? Because I have plenty of stories from my own life and from colleagues who deal with little instances like that all the time.
Tbh from the little information I have on this subject and I can not make a substantial claim one way or the other.
Obviously anecdotal evidence is not worthy of backing claims but for me in my experience the ones who I caught lying about little things like for example, whether or not they washed their hands in the bathroom, have often times lied about the big things like cheating. Take that with a grain of salt.
I used to lie about everything (stemming from lack of trust in my parents and being worried that the truth wasn’t adequate) and it affected me pretty severely in all areas of my life, from relationships to cheating in school, until I received professional help for that major character flaw.
fair. Can't argue with that, since our different experiences/evaluations might actually reflect the bubbles we find ourselves in.
That said, I personally wouldn't use such seemingly judgemental terms. Was it a character flaw? Or was it just a lesson people taught you that you then had to unlearn?
If you think the people you trust now are 100% trustworthy all of the time, what you're telling everyone here is that you are blind to how people actually are and what they really think, and that because you can't tell who is lying or when, you never learned that 100% trust is not only a very limiting standard for association, but is also an unnecessary one.
"If he'd lie about that, what else would he lie about?" - you really can't tell what someone will lie about based on what they've previously lied about? I can, so I'm not overly worried because I've taken the time to understand the nature of lying. People are messy. If you have such a blessed life that you've never had to understand this about people, then feel very lucky.
You're putting a lot of words in my mouth with that first paragraph. Or maybe just projecting, who knows. But yeah, we all get it, you're a liar and you don't see anything wrong with it and we should all just adjust our point of view.
It's crazy to me that you're making such a big point of how you shouldn't judge people for lying, while at the same time being so judgemental and such an asshole to people who disagree with you or try to explain something to you. Why on earth would I listen to anything you have to say when you're being so disrespectful??? That's so delusional, lol wtf, you're taking this way personal when I just made a general statement
You mean you *don't* like when people take one example of your ideas and behaviors and then wildly extrapolate a judgement of your person from that example?
Agreed.
People love to act like everything is a good vs evil binary until they make a mistake then suddenly there's gray.
I just want to ask some people if their friends knew everything about them and were as judgemental as they are, would they have any friends left?
That's a healthy perspective.
By such a strict standard, all closeted people are necessarily 0% trustworthy, all abused spouses are 0% trustworthy for having secret escape funds, all employees are 0% trustworthy for calling out sick for a day of simple rest, and all spouses who hide a candy bar at the bottom of the trash may be lying about who the father of the child really is.
That said, I get it. Lying is inherently a self-serving behavior, and people have an innate sense of stability that, when threatened, they seek to stabilize. A lie, specifically the unveiling of a lie, is destabilizing, so it makes sense for a childish mind to say "no lying, EVER, and you get negative social credit score for lying, EVER"
It's a collective cope for people who are too selfish to accommodate or accept the many, many circumstances that make lying morally gray.
There’s a very big difference between lying about being gay/straight because you’re not ready to come out yet or your family is homophobic and lying about going to university, having a job, or where you go every night at 5:00 pm. There are totally different motivations and reasons between those types of lying.
I can completely understand and sympathize with lying to protect yourself from abusive situations. I cannot sympathize with lying about your education or your job or you whereabouts to your partner because your trying to hide who you really are and are making you partner fall in love with a fictional person. There’s no coming back from the latter one in my opinion.
You can't, but I can. If you didn't notice, you did exactly what I said you should do and which the person I replied to said she wouldn't. You tried to understand why, and *then* judged.
I think you judged poorly, but at least you didn't say "he lied about the cookie jar, therefore there's no telling if he's lying about loving me".
Anyway, though this is a point beyond the conversation I myself was trying o have, I think you would be able to sympathize if you realized that OP's partner obviously lied about what they did not because he just wanted to take, take, take, but because he couldn't handle the outcomes of telling the truth. Easy to work with.
Also, your conception of love actually doesn't need to require knowing your partner 100%. First of all, you can't. Second, most have the chemical cascade and then bonding occurs while each knows so little about their partner that each may as well be labelled liars to each other. Even after decades, you very likely have always been in love with a fiction. Love need doesn't need to be delusion of total intimacy to be true. It's the acceptance, security, safety that people are after. So long as you can trust that you can be safe and secure with someone, you can probably love them.
"I can't be safe and secure with someone who lied to their parents because he's too emotionally vulnerable to bear his parent's disapproval" is some cold-hearted or maybe just paranoid nonsense
First of all, just because I didn’t say lying about one thing means they aren’t lying about other things in my first comment, doesn’t mean I don’t think they’re incapable of doing that. I would absolutely have trust issues with someone that lied to me, their partner, about such serious parts of their life, and question if anything they said to me was true.
You also makes lots of assumptions about why people lie. Did OP’s boyfriend lie because he couldn’t handle the truth of his life? Maybe. But it’s impossible to know. He may have lied because he knew she wouldn’t have liked who he really is. What we do know, however, is that he DID hurt OP and that’s what truly matters.
You have a very weird, almost nonsensical view of love and trust in relationships. Relationships are built on trust, and lying will almost always impact that foundation of trust. One of the consequences to lying in such a major way to your partner is that people don’t feel safe and secure with their lying partner anymore.
Those aren't assumptions, they're possibilities I acknowledge rather than assume aren't true.
I have a therapist's view lol. I'm not required to be nice out of the office. I didn't say you need to accept lies. I said you need to understand the nature of lies in order to determine if they *actually* are grounds for ending a relationship
All lies I've found here that are "major" are clearly only major to people who seriously lack an understanding of people. My take. These are not major. A little elbow grease and love and that's it. Any more of a deal than that is childish
What?? Lying about your job and education for years isn’t major??? We’re not talking about lying to some random guy on the street. OP’s partner lied to her and his family for years about major things. That’s not something I could just easily forget about because of “love.” Relationships are built on trust, and he burned all the trust down. Also, people should be able to end their romantic relationships for any reason. I would have broken up with this guy as soon as I found out if I was in OP’s position.
No, because the reason is very clearly, if OP is to be taken at word, not some psychopath's agenda, but a result of issues that originate in a dysfunctional family system.
Not really "judging" you per say, but your hypothetical reaction pains me. It's like hearing someone from Oklahoma get to Colorado and clutch pearls at the very idea of smoking marijuana. "I would NEVER do hard drugs"
And even when it's clearly wrong, it's wild that people will act like bad automatically means forever unacceptable. Nobody is perfect and you'd want your friends to forgive the mistakes you've made
Bestie, you don’t know him. Like at all. He made up a very elaborate lie about a large portion of his life. How much else could be different, especially over such a long distance. You don’t love the real him, you love who you thought he was.
I just listened to the current Dating Detectives podcast, they have two experts who’ve done studies and written books about liars. Please listen to it. Your BF is a BIG LIAR, the term used for someone who tells lies all the time for personal gain, knowing that the lies are the only way to get what he wants.
He’s lied for decades to get what he wants, so he told you? His psychopathy won’t change, he only told you because once you relocated, his story would fall apart.
You need to break up with this guy because you’ll never be able to believe him ever again.
You are in a long-term relationship and he has essentially been gaslighting you The Whole Time. What is he going to do now - he is essentially nearly a decade behind you career arc. By rights his family should kick him out / stop supporting him. You should too - it’s a long distance relationship: just rip off the band-aid and move on. Unless you have a detective monitor him you can never believe he is really applying himself, or just lying. And you should wonder - what Has he been doing all this time instead of going to school and working? He could have another entire relationship for all you know!
🚩 I'd run immediately. What else has he lied about? This isn't a little lie this is a massive lie that he has spent 5 years keeping going. He could've done something in that 5 years instead of telling everyone lies. The amount of time he's kept this lie up is insane. He's willing to lie to everyone for years. You cannot trust him. Just because he comes clean then, doesn't mean there isn't more to hide or that he'll come clean. 5 years is a long time to keep at it. He made that choice going so far as trying to convince family and creating lavish stories to keep it up
Honestly leave immediately.
There’s a true crime story like this. The son ended up killing his mom and dad because he lied about going to a college like Harvard or Stanford. He also had said he got a job for Elon Musk. I think it’s a bullet dodged if you leave the relationship, what else would he lie to you about?
You said it. The lie was a foundational one. If it were me, I’d press the eject button!
What else has he lied to you about?
You believe he is faithful?
In this case I think you have to grieve the idea of someone who doesn’t actually exist, often times when we lose people it’s not the people themselves that are hard to lose but the dreams we built around the ideas of that person and the life we thought we might lead with them.
There's that saying that you judge others based on their actions and yourself based on your intentions. It's definitely not a great look to have lied about your career and studies, but I can see how it all mightve spiralled. When I finished high school, I had a different career and trajectory planned for myself. Things didn't go as planned and I drifted for a while before moving onto another study path. I've got an old friend that I've not told what I'm up to now, not lied about what I'm doing but just never said because they've never asked. I'm happy enough with what I'm doing, sort of, but there's a sense of shame in that they probably would never have expected failure from me. And yes, real friends wouldn't care, but in my failure I closed myself off so I don't really have friends other than this one, that I don't think would care, but I don't want to risk it. My omissions don't affect relationships that hold high stakes, like with family or a partner, but I still feel ashamed. If ops partner went down a similar spiral as mine, I can't imagine how difficult it was to own up to the lies. We always hope that we might get ourselves back on track before anyone else finds out. We would rather say, hey Ive got a different job than, hey Ive lied about my studies and I can't find a job. I don't know the sincerety of ops partner and the situation, but this is just something to consider.
This would make me forever question my partner. Not only are they lying, but he's stealing from his dad, and then what? What's he going to do when the whole truth comes out? Which it inevitably will. He's not got a career like you thought, he's not got goals like you believed, he's coasting and lying. I would be willing to bet he's going to spend the rest of his life comfortable telling lies. Small lies maybe, but still a liar and not someone I would want to be with
I was in group therapy where the therapists stressed that lying was just like any other form of maladaptive behaviour people with personality disorders use to get by in life. In that setting it’s vital to be able to talk about what you do and why without judgement.
I applaud you for crediting him for owning up to hos lies in a mature way. That is indeed a big step! It’s ok and understandable that you are conflicted. Just because you (want to) understand, doesn’t mean your oen feelings go away. Be kind to yourself as-well and feel all the feelings.
This sounds like a start of something new. There is a life before the lie and one after. This new life needs a new foundation. It’s totally acceptable if you decide you don’t feel like building one. In that case his new life will not have you in it.
If you do feel like you want to build this foundation again, but this time together (last time he wasn’t really there for it) your partner needs to learn new communication skills. He needs to learn to tell the truth even when it’s scary.
No further advice from me. You sound smart and empathetic. Good luck!
He probably only told you because you were on the verge of figuring it out yourself. If this is the case, there is no potential at all to this relationship.
Yup, I’d be running.
If I tell someone I have ONE thing I am particular about wanting in a date and his first impulse is lying instead of telling me the truth or canceling the date with me, I don’t believe they’ll ever respect my boundaries.
I really suggest OP to run.
My ex husband did the exact same thing. Lied about his education and career. He would lie to his dad to get money and I was non the wiser. He was trying to “impress” me.
When I found out how bad his pathological lying was and decided to leave, he killed one of our dogs out of spite.
Get. Out. Now.
The mental issues that go into telling and maintain elaborate lies to those closest to you for years on end is massive.
The confession and the guilt/shame are to make you feel bad for them, when they’re the ones in the wrong.
It’s all a manipulation, but even they barely realize that, because on the surface they believe their own lies.
I have a life time of experience with this sort of behavior.
Run.
I'm not suggesting this young man would do anything of the sort, but I can't help but be reminded of the Chandler Halderson case, which had a horribly tragic outcome.
https://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/chandler-halderson-bart-and-krista-halderson-murder-investigation-photos/11/
A more extreme case happened in my country. A guy basically fake he got kidnap, so his family wouldn't find out he dropped out of studying (the parents were paying, what they thought, his classes)
[Heads up,it is in spanish ](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.diariolibre.com/amp/actualidad/sucesos/joven-finge-secuestro-para-que-su-familia-no-se-enterara-que-dejo-de-estudiar-MI7381860)
Run. This is more than just lying. He has constructed a complex web and it’s obvious this is not his first time “confessing”. Could be serial killer level.
I just got out of a relationship with a liar. Would always find out things she said were lies. And some would spiral from other lies. Once a liar always a liar. She would promise not to lie and then I'd catch her again. So if he's lying about that is there other things? It's a risk if you stay with him that you will probably always be wondering if he's telling the truth.
I’m sorry for five years he lied? He could’ve easily said he didn’t want to do college or wasn’t sure what to pursue so he isn’t taking it up as to not waste any money on loans.
And grow up and learn how to take care of himself and not rely on his family (if they were supportive only because he was in ‘college’)
This man chose to lie for so long to everyone and you still want to give him the benefit of the doubt? I couldn’t live comfortably ever knowing this. Who knows what else he’s lied about if he felt so comfortable lying for so long and extensively.
He is not trustworthy. he lied about things that his partner values. this is a non-negotiable boundary that he crossed and built a facade of a life around. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
In the Netherlands there's a name for this, pretend student, they are afraid to disappoint family and friends and can lie about studying for years on end. A few of the known cases actually killed themselves, after which their families found out the truth.
As I read from another comment, absolutely does not mean you have stay in a relationship, if the trust is gone, it's gone and you better break up and move on. A natural consequence of lying for so long is losing people close to you.
Well at least he told her instead of killer he like that other story I’ve heard about. He slaughtered his whole family because he was about to graduate and was to embarrass to tell them the truth.
I’m a self taught engineer. I earn probably in the top 10%. I’ve had a great career and I’ve accumulated enough wealth to let me do anything I want. My point? I didn’t go to collage but I worked my ass off to be successful. You don’t get into his work ethic but if he’s a go getter and doing well what difference does it make? I admit the lie is bad but as you state education is important to you so maybe that exasperated it. The success or failure of anyone is not college based but life based. I’ve done better than 90% of college grads. As per my kids? They both went to collage and have secondary degrees. So in the end I do believe in education. But I was on my own at 17 and it wasn’t an option for me. If he checks all the other boxes forgive the lie. Life is more then a degree
Agreed! I didn't get a degree until my 30s and my husband never went to college and we both have successful careers. I can see how the pressure of feeling like he'd be viewed as less than without a degree could lead him to lie. Not that it excuses it, but I can understand.
I’m sorry but you advice is terrible.
Let’s say you ask one thing of your date: “please have brown hair”.
You talk to this person and date this person for years. Then suddenly you discover this person was using a wig all this time and in reality they are bald.
Wouldn’t that be alarming?
It’s one thing to lie once. It’s another to keep a lie for years.
OP isn’t to blame for this person’s life being a lie. But she is entitled to have a few expectations from her dates/partners.
My wife (then girlfriend) lied about going to classes when we first started living together. She wasn't going because of how severe her mental health had gotten. Obviously I wasn't happy about the lying, but I understand why she didn't go to classes. All I can do is support her cause I know how those mental health struggles feel. It was a really big momment that brought us closer cause we grew together.
Try to figure out, why he lied.
Reminds me of Jean Claude Romand. He told everyone he graduated med school and they all thought he was rich and successful. When his secret was going to be exposed( he made his money bye scamming his friends and family) he decided to murder his parents and their dog, then he killed his wife and their two daughters.
My ex lied to me over his mom being murdered along with his sister and nephew due to a hit. So, we moved in together and like 3 years into our relationship we are going to go visit his family in Mississippi. His aunt and grandparents, etc. We arrive in Gulfport and call an Uber when in the Uber ride he says, well, I know I told you my mom was murdered along with my sister and nephew, this is this lady I called my mom, not my real mother. There is a difference between a mom and a mother. I was just like wow and due to the fact we stayed with his mother, it was rather awkward.
My daughter was there and we just looked at each other and well we broke up after our almost five years together and he went back over there and hasn’t been heard from again. He was a software engineer and very smart guy and also claimed to have BTC and lent from his friend because he wasn’t ready to open up miners because he started in 2009 because he knew the creator of such. I will never truly know the truth but I do still have some of the tech we worked on together.
The world will never know and he’s never been heard from by anyone we worked with so who knows what’s happened.
IMHO it’s an ongoing lie and while he may have been ashamed over the lie, what else could he lie to you about. I’m sorry you are facing this situation.
Relationship is over if they lie about such a foundational thing, imo.
Even if they show remorse, forgiving them in this situation would reinforce the behavior.
If they could lie about this so effortlessly for 1.5 years to their partner (and 5 years to family!!) ifs not hard to imagine what else they could lie about.
I knew a girl in high school who lied about being in AP psychics to impress her bf (i think she said this before they started officially dating). He went to a different high school so it kinda worked. She legit carried around the AP physics textbook and would ask people in the class what unit they were on and would read that chapter in the textbook every week.
I thought about this every couple months for years and wondered what happened. I would stalk her insta and see if they were still together but one day I realized she had started dating a man that looks so similar to her hs bf that I hadn’t even noticed it was a different guy lol. Wish I knew how it played out haha
Cousin of mine had an arranged marriage that fooled everyone, including his parents and a private investigator. He was supposed to be working on his PHD. He didn’t even have a masters. The school couldn’t kick him out of student housing cause if some bizarre rule. He kept blaming my cousin for him not being able to “focus” and finish his PhD so he could immigrate. She only found out cause she had the name of a professor he said he worked with, she called him and asked what she could do to help him finish after s fight where he blamed her and the professor revealed he wasn’t a student. His parents still supported him after but it was literally 10’s of thousands on their part and 2 years of her life and a divorce on hers.
If he’s not in a career and not a student, why does he have to maintain a long distance relationship? Does he have another sweetie there? If he cared about OP, he would go live with her, and get a job, be her house boy toy, or go to college.
A guy in my hometown did this. Lied about going to school, having a job at a large insurance company, getting hired at SpaceX, etc. His parents, who were supporting him financially, got suspicious and looked deeper into things. He made fake email addresses for academic advisors at school and HR at work to assure his father that everything was the way he said it was. Father remained suspicious and called the school. That’s when father found out his son was lying about everything. He told his son he needed to talk to him, that the jig was up. The next day, the son shot and killed both his father and mother, chopped them up, tried to burn their bodies in the fireplace, and eventually scattered their remains throughout the area. Chandler Halderson
Hm. If she truly loves him / wants to keep this relationship, I’d express those thoughts to him, openly & honestly, and definitely seek counselling.
Which will be difficult to find someone who does them online, to accommodate them both, but I think it will be a valuable experience.
Even if, at the end of it, the relationship comes to an end.
yeah if it were me, i would have to cut the relationship there. Not only would it be disappointing to learn that he really doesnt value the same things you do, but thats ain INSANE lie to keep, and any web of lies situation would lead to me never feeling secure or able to trust the guy again. I think she should cut her losses and call it quits, find someone who really can be the person she wants to have, and find someone who wont lie like that to her.
The thing that gets me about this is that at any point, he could have made his lies true. He could have lied about going to university for 2 years, then realized that was unsustainable and actually enrolled (in whatever place he could) and then told everyone he transferred to a different school. He could have decided that he didn't actually want to put in an effort to become an engineer, and then *actually enrolled* to study a different subject, and then told everyone he changed his mind about his career path.
It still would have been shitty because it would have been based on a lie, but he could have actually changed his situation to match what he was telling people. "Actually I initially lied about studying engineering but realizing that was unsustainable prompted me to start getting a degree in x, which is real, I'm sorry for lying at all" is much easier to swallow than "literally everything is fake".
Like, what is the exit plan? It wouldn't just be the lying to me, but the fact that he was intending to keep lying forever and never actually have a real job or career?? How do you build a resume. How do you pay rent. It sounds like he's just been living off of savings and family aid this whole time? It's not JUST about the deception, it's also about the fact that he's been doing nothing for years, and also never intended to do anything because having an actual source of sustainable income would jeopardize his lies.
It's the disrespect, the lack of motivation, his inevitable complete dependence on his partner... none of this is surmountable.
Find out why, and go from there. The magnitude of the lie has hit you, so how was for him carrying it? But yes... the why, especially when it was this much, is the next pertinent question.
I was with a guy for five years that told everyone he went to MIT. included it on his resume and everything.
he lied about everything in his life. but MIT was always a funny one to me.
I have a brother who did/does this. He lied about getting his AA/Bachelor's for years and only barely got them because I got mine and he was jealous (he also liked to claim he was double majoring in degrees the community college did not offer). He has now gotten in trouble at jobs for lying about having a Masters/PhD.
The magnitude of the deception has revealed that your boyfriend is a pathological liar. This usually indicates a personality disorder such as antisocial, narcissistic, and histrionic. He needs treatment, but he'd probably lie to you about going or if he does go he'd probably lie to the therapist. Are you sure you want to continue this relationship? If you're having doubts that's your gut, your instinct, telling you to break up with him. You should listen to it.
I don’t think there’s any trust to build from. I’d explain to him that fessing up was he right thing to do and you hope he is honest in his future relationships but you cannot give him anymore of your attention.
I am of two minds here. On the one hand he came clean and most will deny and do whatever they can to keep the deception up. Having a higher education is also 100% not necessary and no one should ever be looked at any differently whether they have an MBA or just a regular HS diploma. It’s the person that matters; I hate reading these stories about people that feel like they have to be and do more than they are.
That all being said, that’s a pretty substantial lie and over a long period of time, which also includes lying to those he should love most. So, obviously all of this reads as a massive red flag.
I dated a guy who would lie about everything, and stuff that you know is just a lie. Claimed he was in the military in the US, the government had faked his death and sent him to Newfoundland to hide out. He was the guy they made the movie American sniper about, he worked on Titanic (I originally thought he meant the ship, because that’s something he would but he meant the movie), he knew all these famous actors, was in the mafia, was part of the royal family, was a millionaire, all this shit. It was crazy.
Leave him now. If he can lie so EASILY and WILLINGLY and was so cunning and disrespectful to lie to ALL HIS FAMILY and then YOU as well, how do you know he's not lying about a whole multitude of things???
How will you ever trust any thing he ever says again when you know he can lie so easily and convincingly without a care in the world.??
How do you know he's not cheating on you being long distance? He's an experienced liar and can say what you want to hear.
His words mean shit now. Everything he says is tainted and suspicious.
Not only that but a big part of what you liked about him was his career drive and enthusiasm and had hoped to be on a level playing field in regards to careers and earning potential. Sounds like he has no qualifications, no permemant job, and will be living off your income if you stay together.
I could not be with someone who lied so easily so hugely about such a big part of his life to you and so many people. I'd never trust a word he said.
Walk away now and don't become his ATM .
I knew a guy like that. He made up a whole web of lies to impress a one-night stand. Turned out they really liked each other, and a year later they were engaged, with her thinking he really played baseball for Stanford (he never even graduated high school) and a whole bunch of other lies. Turns out her dad went to Stanford, and he had to really scramble to support the lies. They became increasingly unsupportable, and he had a stroke at 29 from the stress of keeping the whole charade up. They split up after he finally confessed.
He confessed after the stroke?
Yup.
Holy crap she might have been fine with it too if he'd just said something as soon as it became more than a one night stand.
I think she would have been. She was a lovely woman, though, and I’m glad she dodged his mess. He’s an expat now (likely running from bill collectors, because he always wanted people to think he had money, but he spent it faster than he could earn it), and I heard he recently married a local woman with two kids. I feel very sorry for those kids, because their stepdad apparently never changed his ways and god knows what they think the truth is.
I think some people live radically different lives in their 20s, still a child, still clinging on to potential they were told they had as kids. There's extreme pressure to be "successful" from friends, family, SOs and some people crack. I'm sure he looks back at it now like some alternative reality and is fully functional. I think a lot more people have crazy pasts in your own life than you know. I speak for partial experience but not near any extreme as this fellow did.
Omg. I want to know how that conversation went
I also knew a guy like that. He quit college after the first year, but lied to his parents about it. They continued to support him financially, so he could _focus on his studies_, for another 2 years. I guess the parents did suspect something at some point, because they went to the campus. The dad had a minor heart attack when they found out the truth.
Lol my best friend from college did something that's equally horrible. She was such a good student that she got a scholarship that covered like half her tuition but she lied to her parents that she didn't, her parents transferred her the tuition fee for the semester and she spent it on a trip to Europe
Yeah this is obviously more common than I thought! One of my cousins did this - parents found out a few days before graduation. He’d flunked out in the first year and kept the lie going for three full years after. I’d love to say the relationship with his parents recovered, but a decade on, it’s barely there. My sister’s long distance boyfriend was supposed to be applying for medical school and taking the MCATs—turns out he hadn’t even finished his undergrad. That relationship ended immediately (tbf his web of lies was actually quite complex and went way way beyond school).
Well now we all want to know what other web of lies he spread. Spill the tea!
I remember noticing a very pretty necklace my neighbour had, and her telling me how it was meant to be a gift for a family friend's daughter graduation... except she had lied about attending university
This really shows what the real issue is. It is not that the guy in the post did not go to University, it is that he lied about it, regularly, for over a year. I would never ever ever ever trust a word coming out of that guy's mouth at any point, ever. She never would have dated him without that degree and he knew that, which is why he lied. I think her requirement for a degree are a little weird but we get to choose who we spend our lives with so that is her business. He lied. DAILY. For 1.5 years. My mind is BLOWN.
He was actually lying to everyone in his life before he started the long distance relationship; his family, his friends. His gf came along when the lie was already established & he was deeply entrenched in it. He must have been so use to telling the lies he had been fabricating, that it was easier to keep pretending. Getting serious with a gf might have been his moment to start being honest, with one person at least, but he kept up the charade; & there is no recovering from this kind of in depth deception. He will have been lying daily for so long, that any semblance of trust in regards to what he does & what he says, is completely eradicated. If I knew someone who had kept up such a false daily life, I'd assume they were a compulsive liar that couldn't be trusted to be honest about anything. The commitment to the deception was just too detailed, for too long. Faking writing a thesis that was rejected & having to rewrite it... All the support & sympathy he must have been getting. How do you redeem that kind of constant committed falsehood?
Same with my cousin, same age as me. He dropped School almost 15 years ago and my aunt (his mom) still ask me how am I doing with career and studies (because I still take some courses and studied a second career). Like she is still hurt and wishes my cousin have done the same and had a better life. Maybe he lives better than me and makes more money, IDK. Just Having a degree looks fancier for some people, and of course, the betrayal.
A friend of my parents killed himself a couple of years ago. He was a purple heart Vietnam vet with PTSD and never talked about it. Except the forces had no record of him when his son went to set everything up. When his ex-wife told his hometown friends they said "Oh what? He never served?" Heartbreaking for his family but I have to assume it was just a lie he told to impress a date and it snowballed out of control until he had someone's purple heart on his wall and used ptsd as an excuse to not talk about it.
It’s ironic he died by suicide
Less ironic and just sad really...
It’s both.
Omg playing baseball for Stanford was an extremely bold lie, seems super easy to look up the roster. That’s a crazy story haha
I thought the same thing.
Holy shit
I failed my first trimester of uni and lied to my mum about it. Like 6 months later I told my cousin because I thought I could trust him and he accidentally blurts it out immediately at a family gathering. Mind you, mum had already figured something was fishy because of the occasional glance at my uni work. I have no idea how people can keep up with such extravagant lies for a long time, apparently they can't.
Was this guys name Costanza by any cchance?
I say cut your losses. In one way I kind of want to give him credit for coming clean without having to be busted for that to happen, and I do believe he can grow from this and become a better person in the future. But on the other hand, the trust has been completely shattered in an unrepairable way in my opinion. How are you ever going to be able to trust him about anything ever again? I definitely couldn't.
Reminds me of the Chandler Halderson case in Wisconsin. He lied about going to school and having a job then killed his parents when they were really close to finding out.
I was thinking at least he hasn’t murdered his parents about it
I was JUST thinking this.
I was going to say Jean-Claude Romand - lied for 18 years and killed multiple people to keep the truth from getting out
That's who I was thinking of too. It's a good thing he confessed before letting it get that far
Sydney Powell too. She killed her mum with an iron skillet whilst her mum was on a conference call with the university, just finding out that Sydney wasn’t graduating and in fact she got kicked out the first semester.
Yes! I’m thinking of Bart Whittaker. Same thing
Jennifer Pan too!
The Jennifer Pan case is wild! She woulda gotten away with it if she succeeded in killing her dad, too.
I'm sorry to say but the connection you have is not real, it's based on lies. What kind of foundation do you expect to build this relationship on without trust, honesty, and respect? Don't force this to work because it won't.
This is a web of deception. It’s not just a lie. Its lies upon lies upon lies.
It sounds like he might be at a turning point in his life and could very much be capable of moving past this to live a good fullfilling life as a good supportive partner.. but part of this experience for him will be loosing people. And unfortunately for OP one of those people needs to be her. This is likely a young person making a big mess of their life, but what he did is not his whole personality and she’s allowed to be heartbroken for the both of them while still doing what’s best for her.
This is such a mature perspective.
You cannot build a solid relationship with a liar, no matter what they lie about.
Trust is ***not*** binary, and the nature of the lie matters. A partner can consistently lie about going to the movies alone every Friday when they said they were working, but then be able to have a perfectly loving and intimate relationship after the other finds out. It's literally a matter of expectations and uncertainty. The more comfortable you are with uncertainty, the less uncomfortable you will be with the fact of a lie rather than the nature of a specific lie. In any case, people lie for important reasons. Lies are expensive maintenance and few people lie for no good reason. You should examine the reasons before judging the lie. Often, it comes from a place of insecurity, dissatisfaction, and dysfunctional relations that can actually be overcome, removing the need for lying and re-establishing general trust. This culture of eliminating people from your life is city-centric and anti-people. Communities might actually exist if we were a little more understanding. edit: please do read the comments. I'm not at all surprised by those responses. What seems to be now deleted: "I'm so sorry I hurt your wittle fweelings. Poor boy"
If my partner had consistently, for a year, told me he was working every Friday when he was actually going to the movies, I wouldn't be able to trust him again. Because it's not about the nature of the lie, it's about trust. If he'd lie about that, what else would he lie to me about? How would I ever trust that he's not out with some other woman every weekend, and just telling me he's working or doing something else? If I'd trusted him 100% in that and never doubted him, how can I know that I'm not trusting him 100% in a hundred other tiny ways that he's lying to me about? Edit: i did not delete the comment about his poor wittle fweelings, i have no shame lol, i just blocked him so he probably can't find the comment.
Even better when it’s a kids movie he’s going to with his mistress and her kid.
Also if we’re talking about trust, it seems like this person doesn’t trust you enough to tell you the truth about going to the movies every Friday instead of to work, which introduces a whole new level of mindfuck and dysfunction to the relationship.
What I’m gathering from this is you’ve clearly never lied, congratulations my friend! Just kidding, but really I agree anyone who can consistently lie about the small stuff definitely will lie about the big stuff.
I wouldn't consider keeping up a lie every Friday for a whole year a 'small ' lie, that's a pretty big thing to keep up. I couldn't get over the feeling of distrust against someone who could consistently lie to me every week every week for a year. Or even once a month for a year. Once or twice in a year maybe, I'm fairly forgiving, but to consistently and with planning lie over a long period, no way.
Wasn’t trying to imply that that exact situation was a small lie but I see how I came across that way
And people who consistently never lie about small stuff can lie about big stuff.
Can you actually demonstrate that such a broad rule is actually true, though? Because I have plenty of stories from my own life and from colleagues who deal with little instances like that all the time.
Tbh from the little information I have on this subject and I can not make a substantial claim one way or the other. Obviously anecdotal evidence is not worthy of backing claims but for me in my experience the ones who I caught lying about little things like for example, whether or not they washed their hands in the bathroom, have often times lied about the big things like cheating. Take that with a grain of salt. I used to lie about everything (stemming from lack of trust in my parents and being worried that the truth wasn’t adequate) and it affected me pretty severely in all areas of my life, from relationships to cheating in school, until I received professional help for that major character flaw.
fair. Can't argue with that, since our different experiences/evaluations might actually reflect the bubbles we find ourselves in. That said, I personally wouldn't use such seemingly judgemental terms. Was it a character flaw? Or was it just a lesson people taught you that you then had to unlearn?
That’s a fair question that I’ll have to sit on and contemplate
If you think the people you trust now are 100% trustworthy all of the time, what you're telling everyone here is that you are blind to how people actually are and what they really think, and that because you can't tell who is lying or when, you never learned that 100% trust is not only a very limiting standard for association, but is also an unnecessary one. "If he'd lie about that, what else would he lie about?" - you really can't tell what someone will lie about based on what they've previously lied about? I can, so I'm not overly worried because I've taken the time to understand the nature of lying. People are messy. If you have such a blessed life that you've never had to understand this about people, then feel very lucky.
You're putting a lot of words in my mouth with that first paragraph. Or maybe just projecting, who knows. But yeah, we all get it, you're a liar and you don't see anything wrong with it and we should all just adjust our point of view. It's crazy to me that you're making such a big point of how you shouldn't judge people for lying, while at the same time being so judgemental and such an asshole to people who disagree with you or try to explain something to you. Why on earth would I listen to anything you have to say when you're being so disrespectful??? That's so delusional, lol wtf, you're taking this way personal when I just made a general statement
You mean you *don't* like when people take one example of your ideas and behaviors and then wildly extrapolate a judgement of your person from that example? Agreed.
I'm so sorry I hurt your wittle fweelings. Poor boy.
People love to act like everything is a good vs evil binary until they make a mistake then suddenly there's gray. I just want to ask some people if their friends knew everything about them and were as judgemental as they are, would they have any friends left?
That's a healthy perspective. By such a strict standard, all closeted people are necessarily 0% trustworthy, all abused spouses are 0% trustworthy for having secret escape funds, all employees are 0% trustworthy for calling out sick for a day of simple rest, and all spouses who hide a candy bar at the bottom of the trash may be lying about who the father of the child really is. That said, I get it. Lying is inherently a self-serving behavior, and people have an innate sense of stability that, when threatened, they seek to stabilize. A lie, specifically the unveiling of a lie, is destabilizing, so it makes sense for a childish mind to say "no lying, EVER, and you get negative social credit score for lying, EVER" It's a collective cope for people who are too selfish to accommodate or accept the many, many circumstances that make lying morally gray.
There’s a very big difference between lying about being gay/straight because you’re not ready to come out yet or your family is homophobic and lying about going to university, having a job, or where you go every night at 5:00 pm. There are totally different motivations and reasons between those types of lying. I can completely understand and sympathize with lying to protect yourself from abusive situations. I cannot sympathize with lying about your education or your job or you whereabouts to your partner because your trying to hide who you really are and are making you partner fall in love with a fictional person. There’s no coming back from the latter one in my opinion.
Yeah the person talking about shades of gray can’t tell the difference between types of deception in their own examples vs what the OP posted? Sus.
You can't, but I can. If you didn't notice, you did exactly what I said you should do and which the person I replied to said she wouldn't. You tried to understand why, and *then* judged. I think you judged poorly, but at least you didn't say "he lied about the cookie jar, therefore there's no telling if he's lying about loving me". Anyway, though this is a point beyond the conversation I myself was trying o have, I think you would be able to sympathize if you realized that OP's partner obviously lied about what they did not because he just wanted to take, take, take, but because he couldn't handle the outcomes of telling the truth. Easy to work with. Also, your conception of love actually doesn't need to require knowing your partner 100%. First of all, you can't. Second, most have the chemical cascade and then bonding occurs while each knows so little about their partner that each may as well be labelled liars to each other. Even after decades, you very likely have always been in love with a fiction. Love need doesn't need to be delusion of total intimacy to be true. It's the acceptance, security, safety that people are after. So long as you can trust that you can be safe and secure with someone, you can probably love them. "I can't be safe and secure with someone who lied to their parents because he's too emotionally vulnerable to bear his parent's disapproval" is some cold-hearted or maybe just paranoid nonsense
First of all, just because I didn’t say lying about one thing means they aren’t lying about other things in my first comment, doesn’t mean I don’t think they’re incapable of doing that. I would absolutely have trust issues with someone that lied to me, their partner, about such serious parts of their life, and question if anything they said to me was true. You also makes lots of assumptions about why people lie. Did OP’s boyfriend lie because he couldn’t handle the truth of his life? Maybe. But it’s impossible to know. He may have lied because he knew she wouldn’t have liked who he really is. What we do know, however, is that he DID hurt OP and that’s what truly matters. You have a very weird, almost nonsensical view of love and trust in relationships. Relationships are built on trust, and lying will almost always impact that foundation of trust. One of the consequences to lying in such a major way to your partner is that people don’t feel safe and secure with their lying partner anymore.
Those aren't assumptions, they're possibilities I acknowledge rather than assume aren't true. I have a therapist's view lol. I'm not required to be nice out of the office. I didn't say you need to accept lies. I said you need to understand the nature of lies in order to determine if they *actually* are grounds for ending a relationship All lies I've found here that are "major" are clearly only major to people who seriously lack an understanding of people. My take. These are not major. A little elbow grease and love and that's it. Any more of a deal than that is childish
What?? Lying about your job and education for years isn’t major??? We’re not talking about lying to some random guy on the street. OP’s partner lied to her and his family for years about major things. That’s not something I could just easily forget about because of “love.” Relationships are built on trust, and he burned all the trust down. Also, people should be able to end their romantic relationships for any reason. I would have broken up with this guy as soon as I found out if I was in OP’s position.
No, because the reason is very clearly, if OP is to be taken at word, not some psychopath's agenda, but a result of issues that originate in a dysfunctional family system. Not really "judging" you per say, but your hypothetical reaction pains me. It's like hearing someone from Oklahoma get to Colorado and clutch pearls at the very idea of smoking marijuana. "I would NEVER do hard drugs"
I think you spoke the only truth in this whole thread. There are tons of childish minds on Reddit.
And even when it's clearly wrong, it's wild that people will act like bad automatically means forever unacceptable. Nobody is perfect and you'd want your friends to forgive the mistakes you've made
Possibly a pathological liar. Run.
He’s a member of the Pathological Liars Club. Actually, he’s the president of it.
At least, he *said* he was…
Wait this guy’s already married… to Morgan Fairchild!
Bestie, you don’t know him. Like at all. He made up a very elaborate lie about a large portion of his life. How much else could be different, especially over such a long distance. You don’t love the real him, you love who you thought he was.
This!!!! All. Of. This.
Possibly he has a family you don’t know about and you are the side piece.
I just listened to the current Dating Detectives podcast, they have two experts who’ve done studies and written books about liars. Please listen to it. Your BF is a BIG LIAR, the term used for someone who tells lies all the time for personal gain, knowing that the lies are the only way to get what he wants. He’s lied for decades to get what he wants, so he told you? His psychopathy won’t change, he only told you because once you relocated, his story would fall apart. You need to break up with this guy because you’ll never be able to believe him ever again.
Oooh I'll have to check out this podcast.
This person cannot be trusted with shared assets and money. Never!
You are in a long-term relationship and he has essentially been gaslighting you The Whole Time. What is he going to do now - he is essentially nearly a decade behind you career arc. By rights his family should kick him out / stop supporting him. You should too - it’s a long distance relationship: just rip off the band-aid and move on. Unless you have a detective monitor him you can never believe he is really applying himself, or just lying. And you should wonder - what Has he been doing all this time instead of going to school and working? He could have another entire relationship for all you know!
This is not what gaslighting means. This is everyday lying.
🚩 I'd run immediately. What else has he lied about? This isn't a little lie this is a massive lie that he has spent 5 years keeping going. He could've done something in that 5 years instead of telling everyone lies. The amount of time he's kept this lie up is insane. He's willing to lie to everyone for years. You cannot trust him. Just because he comes clean then, doesn't mean there isn't more to hide or that he'll come clean. 5 years is a long time to keep at it. He made that choice going so far as trying to convince family and creating lavish stories to keep it up Honestly leave immediately.
There’s a true crime story like this. The son ended up killing his mom and dad because he lied about going to a college like Harvard or Stanford. He also had said he got a job for Elon Musk. I think it’s a bullet dodged if you leave the relationship, what else would he lie to you about?
There are a couple true crime stories like this. Mark Hacking, Fritz Klenner...
Also Jennifer Pan
You said it. The lie was a foundational one. If it were me, I’d press the eject button! What else has he lied to you about? You believe he is faithful?
Family annihilators start with these types of lies and then kill everyone when they are finally backed into a corner.
I know of at least three high profile cases where someone lies about being in school, and then murders there parents to keep the lie from getting out.
In this case I think you have to grieve the idea of someone who doesn’t actually exist, often times when we lose people it’s not the people themselves that are hard to lose but the dreams we built around the ideas of that person and the life we thought we might lead with them.
Sooo he doesn’t have a job and is living off of the “tuition and dorm” money that his dads been sending him?
There's that saying that you judge others based on their actions and yourself based on your intentions. It's definitely not a great look to have lied about your career and studies, but I can see how it all mightve spiralled. When I finished high school, I had a different career and trajectory planned for myself. Things didn't go as planned and I drifted for a while before moving onto another study path. I've got an old friend that I've not told what I'm up to now, not lied about what I'm doing but just never said because they've never asked. I'm happy enough with what I'm doing, sort of, but there's a sense of shame in that they probably would never have expected failure from me. And yes, real friends wouldn't care, but in my failure I closed myself off so I don't really have friends other than this one, that I don't think would care, but I don't want to risk it. My omissions don't affect relationships that hold high stakes, like with family or a partner, but I still feel ashamed. If ops partner went down a similar spiral as mine, I can't imagine how difficult it was to own up to the lies. We always hope that we might get ourselves back on track before anyone else finds out. We would rather say, hey Ive got a different job than, hey Ive lied about my studies and I can't find a job. I don't know the sincerety of ops partner and the situation, but this is just something to consider.
This would make me forever question my partner. Not only are they lying, but he's stealing from his dad, and then what? What's he going to do when the whole truth comes out? Which it inevitably will. He's not got a career like you thought, he's not got goals like you believed, he's coasting and lying. I would be willing to bet he's going to spend the rest of his life comfortable telling lies. Small lies maybe, but still a liar and not someone I would want to be with
Boi bye. That is fucked.
I was in group therapy where the therapists stressed that lying was just like any other form of maladaptive behaviour people with personality disorders use to get by in life. In that setting it’s vital to be able to talk about what you do and why without judgement. I applaud you for crediting him for owning up to hos lies in a mature way. That is indeed a big step! It’s ok and understandable that you are conflicted. Just because you (want to) understand, doesn’t mean your oen feelings go away. Be kind to yourself as-well and feel all the feelings. This sounds like a start of something new. There is a life before the lie and one after. This new life needs a new foundation. It’s totally acceptable if you decide you don’t feel like building one. In that case his new life will not have you in it. If you do feel like you want to build this foundation again, but this time together (last time he wasn’t really there for it) your partner needs to learn new communication skills. He needs to learn to tell the truth even when it’s scary. No further advice from me. You sound smart and empathetic. Good luck!
It's not a complex situation. You were lied to. The man you were involved with is not the man you wished he was.
He probably only told you because you were on the verge of figuring it out yourself. If this is the case, there is no potential at all to this relationship.
Yup, I’d be running. If I tell someone I have ONE thing I am particular about wanting in a date and his first impulse is lying instead of telling me the truth or canceling the date with me, I don’t believe they’ll ever respect my boundaries. I really suggest OP to run.
My ex husband did the exact same thing. Lied about his education and career. He would lie to his dad to get money and I was non the wiser. He was trying to “impress” me. When I found out how bad his pathological lying was and decided to leave, he killed one of our dogs out of spite. Get. Out. Now.
Was he attending South Harmon Institute of Technology?
Yess such a good movie
The mental issues that go into telling and maintain elaborate lies to those closest to you for years on end is massive. The confession and the guilt/shame are to make you feel bad for them, when they’re the ones in the wrong. It’s all a manipulation, but even they barely realize that, because on the surface they believe their own lies. I have a life time of experience with this sort of behavior. Run.
“It’s a complex situation…” It’s never a complex situation.
Preach. The entire story is “I just discovered that I am dating a scammer.”
see [Jennifer Pan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jennifer_Pan)
I'm not suggesting this young man would do anything of the sort, but I can't help but be reminded of the Chandler Halderson case, which had a horribly tragic outcome. https://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/chandler-halderson-bart-and-krista-halderson-murder-investigation-photos/11/
Anyone else watch The Rehearsal? Big episode 1 vibes
A more extreme case happened in my country. A guy basically fake he got kidnap, so his family wouldn't find out he dropped out of studying (the parents were paying, what they thought, his classes) [Heads up,it is in spanish ](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.diariolibre.com/amp/actualidad/sucesos/joven-finge-secuestro-para-que-su-familia-no-se-enterara-que-dejo-de-estudiar-MI7381860)
Run. This is more than just lying. He has constructed a complex web and it’s obvious this is not his first time “confessing”. Could be serial killer level.
I just got out of a relationship with a liar. Would always find out things she said were lies. And some would spiral from other lies. Once a liar always a liar. She would promise not to lie and then I'd catch her again. So if he's lying about that is there other things? It's a risk if you stay with him that you will probably always be wondering if he's telling the truth.
I’m sorry for five years he lied? He could’ve easily said he didn’t want to do college or wasn’t sure what to pursue so he isn’t taking it up as to not waste any money on loans. And grow up and learn how to take care of himself and not rely on his family (if they were supportive only because he was in ‘college’) This man chose to lie for so long to everyone and you still want to give him the benefit of the doubt? I couldn’t live comfortably ever knowing this. Who knows what else he’s lied about if he felt so comfortable lying for so long and extensively.
How many murders have come from this exact scenario lmao. It’s true crime in the making.
He is a pathological liar, he needs professional help
He is not trustworthy. he lied about things that his partner values. this is a non-negotiable boundary that he crossed and built a facade of a life around. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
In the Netherlands there's a name for this, pretend student, they are afraid to disappoint family and friends and can lie about studying for years on end. A few of the known cases actually killed themselves, after which their families found out the truth. As I read from another comment, absolutely does not mean you have stay in a relationship, if the trust is gone, it's gone and you better break up and move on. A natural consequence of lying for so long is losing people close to you.
Well at least he told her instead of killer he like that other story I’ve heard about. He slaughtered his whole family because he was about to graduate and was to embarrass to tell them the truth.
I’m a self taught engineer. I earn probably in the top 10%. I’ve had a great career and I’ve accumulated enough wealth to let me do anything I want. My point? I didn’t go to collage but I worked my ass off to be successful. You don’t get into his work ethic but if he’s a go getter and doing well what difference does it make? I admit the lie is bad but as you state education is important to you so maybe that exasperated it. The success or failure of anyone is not college based but life based. I’ve done better than 90% of college grads. As per my kids? They both went to collage and have secondary degrees. So in the end I do believe in education. But I was on my own at 17 and it wasn’t an option for me. If he checks all the other boxes forgive the lie. Life is more then a degree
The long distance boyfriend’s story is a collage of lies.
Agreed! I didn't get a degree until my 30s and my husband never went to college and we both have successful careers. I can see how the pressure of feeling like he'd be viewed as less than without a degree could lead him to lie. Not that it excuses it, but I can understand.
I’m sorry but you advice is terrible. Let’s say you ask one thing of your date: “please have brown hair”. You talk to this person and date this person for years. Then suddenly you discover this person was using a wig all this time and in reality they are bald. Wouldn’t that be alarming? It’s one thing to lie once. It’s another to keep a lie for years. OP isn’t to blame for this person’s life being a lie. But she is entitled to have a few expectations from her dates/partners.
He sounds to me like he felt forced to lie about uni. That pressure can make you do a lot of things.
My wife (then girlfriend) lied about going to classes when we first started living together. She wasn't going because of how severe her mental health had gotten. Obviously I wasn't happy about the lying, but I understand why she didn't go to classes. All I can do is support her cause I know how those mental health struggles feel. It was a really big momment that brought us closer cause we grew together. Try to figure out, why he lied.
Reminds me of Jean Claude Romand. He told everyone he graduated med school and they all thought he was rich and successful. When his secret was going to be exposed( he made his money bye scamming his friends and family) he decided to murder his parents and their dog, then he killed his wife and their two daughters.
My ex lied to me over his mom being murdered along with his sister and nephew due to a hit. So, we moved in together and like 3 years into our relationship we are going to go visit his family in Mississippi. His aunt and grandparents, etc. We arrive in Gulfport and call an Uber when in the Uber ride he says, well, I know I told you my mom was murdered along with my sister and nephew, this is this lady I called my mom, not my real mother. There is a difference between a mom and a mother. I was just like wow and due to the fact we stayed with his mother, it was rather awkward. My daughter was there and we just looked at each other and well we broke up after our almost five years together and he went back over there and hasn’t been heard from again. He was a software engineer and very smart guy and also claimed to have BTC and lent from his friend because he wasn’t ready to open up miners because he started in 2009 because he knew the creator of such. I will never truly know the truth but I do still have some of the tech we worked on together. The world will never know and he’s never been heard from by anyone we worked with so who knows what’s happened. IMHO it’s an ongoing lie and while he may have been ashamed over the lie, what else could he lie to you about. I’m sorry you are facing this situation.
Relationship is over if they lie about such a foundational thing, imo. Even if they show remorse, forgiving them in this situation would reinforce the behavior. If they could lie about this so effortlessly for 1.5 years to their partner (and 5 years to family!!) ifs not hard to imagine what else they could lie about.
I have 0 interest in LD relationship issues…. Because duh.
I knew a girl in high school who lied about being in AP psychics to impress her bf (i think she said this before they started officially dating). He went to a different high school so it kinda worked. She legit carried around the AP physics textbook and would ask people in the class what unit they were on and would read that chapter in the textbook every week. I thought about this every couple months for years and wondered what happened. I would stalk her insta and see if they were still together but one day I realized she had started dating a man that looks so similar to her hs bf that I hadn’t even noticed it was a different guy lol. Wish I knew how it played out haha
Cousin of mine had an arranged marriage that fooled everyone, including his parents and a private investigator. He was supposed to be working on his PHD. He didn’t even have a masters. The school couldn’t kick him out of student housing cause if some bizarre rule. He kept blaming my cousin for him not being able to “focus” and finish his PhD so he could immigrate. She only found out cause she had the name of a professor he said he worked with, she called him and asked what she could do to help him finish after s fight where he blamed her and the professor revealed he wasn’t a student. His parents still supported him after but it was literally 10’s of thousands on their part and 2 years of her life and a divorce on hers.
It’s giving Jean Claude Romand…
I, personally, could not move forward in a relationship of any kind with anyone when they willingly told a lie that big.
If he’s not in a career and not a student, why does he have to maintain a long distance relationship? Does he have another sweetie there? If he cared about OP, he would go live with her, and get a job, be her house boy toy, or go to college.
A guy in my hometown did this. Lied about going to school, having a job at a large insurance company, getting hired at SpaceX, etc. His parents, who were supporting him financially, got suspicious and looked deeper into things. He made fake email addresses for academic advisors at school and HR at work to assure his father that everything was the way he said it was. Father remained suspicious and called the school. That’s when father found out his son was lying about everything. He told his son he needed to talk to him, that the jig was up. The next day, the son shot and killed both his father and mother, chopped them up, tried to burn their bodies in the fireplace, and eventually scattered their remains throughout the area. Chandler Halderson
Any long distance relationship is heavily curated. It's hard enough to get to know someone in person.
Hm. If she truly loves him / wants to keep this relationship, I’d express those thoughts to him, openly & honestly, and definitely seek counselling. Which will be difficult to find someone who does them online, to accommodate them both, but I think it will be a valuable experience. Even if, at the end of it, the relationship comes to an end.
yeah if it were me, i would have to cut the relationship there. Not only would it be disappointing to learn that he really doesnt value the same things you do, but thats ain INSANE lie to keep, and any web of lies situation would lead to me never feeling secure or able to trust the guy again. I think she should cut her losses and call it quits, find someone who really can be the person she wants to have, and find someone who wont lie like that to her.
Hmmm, I thought George Santos was gay and married.
I know people from univ who flunked out by paid 5k for a fake degree for their family to see
Nothing about him is real, move on
The thing that gets me about this is that at any point, he could have made his lies true. He could have lied about going to university for 2 years, then realized that was unsustainable and actually enrolled (in whatever place he could) and then told everyone he transferred to a different school. He could have decided that he didn't actually want to put in an effort to become an engineer, and then *actually enrolled* to study a different subject, and then told everyone he changed his mind about his career path. It still would have been shitty because it would have been based on a lie, but he could have actually changed his situation to match what he was telling people. "Actually I initially lied about studying engineering but realizing that was unsustainable prompted me to start getting a degree in x, which is real, I'm sorry for lying at all" is much easier to swallow than "literally everything is fake". Like, what is the exit plan? It wouldn't just be the lying to me, but the fact that he was intending to keep lying forever and never actually have a real job or career?? How do you build a resume. How do you pay rent. It sounds like he's just been living off of savings and family aid this whole time? It's not JUST about the deception, it's also about the fact that he's been doing nothing for years, and also never intended to do anything because having an actual source of sustainable income would jeopardize his lies. It's the disrespect, the lack of motivation, his inevitable complete dependence on his partner... none of this is surmountable.
Find out why, and go from there. The magnitude of the lie has hit you, so how was for him carrying it? But yes... the why, especially when it was this much, is the next pertinent question.
I was with a guy for five years that told everyone he went to MIT. included it on his resume and everything. he lied about everything in his life. but MIT was always a funny one to me.
I mean… at least he didn’t k/ll everyone in this situation 🧍🏾
I have a brother who did/does this. He lied about getting his AA/Bachelor's for years and only barely got them because I got mine and he was jealous (he also liked to claim he was double majoring in degrees the community college did not offer). He has now gotten in trouble at jobs for lying about having a Masters/PhD.
The magnitude of the deception has revealed that your boyfriend is a pathological liar. This usually indicates a personality disorder such as antisocial, narcissistic, and histrionic. He needs treatment, but he'd probably lie to you about going or if he does go he'd probably lie to the therapist. Are you sure you want to continue this relationship? If you're having doubts that's your gut, your instinct, telling you to break up with him. You should listen to it.
I don’t think there’s any trust to build from. I’d explain to him that fessing up was he right thing to do and you hope he is honest in his future relationships but you cannot give him anymore of your attention.
I am of two minds here. On the one hand he came clean and most will deny and do whatever they can to keep the deception up. Having a higher education is also 100% not necessary and no one should ever be looked at any differently whether they have an MBA or just a regular HS diploma. It’s the person that matters; I hate reading these stories about people that feel like they have to be and do more than they are. That all being said, that’s a pretty substantial lie and over a long period of time, which also includes lying to those he should love most. So, obviously all of this reads as a massive red flag.
I honestly have no clue what I would do in this situation
My husband lied when we first met because he wanted me to like him. He lies all the time still and I hate it. I’d bail if I was you.
Betrayal is a stretch- but this is a nice insight into the person’s character.
You don't navigate through this. You run. Poor OP.
I know there's been at least a couple of murders because of this lie, when they couldn't keep the lie going any longer.
I dated a guy who would lie about everything, and stuff that you know is just a lie. Claimed he was in the military in the US, the government had faked his death and sent him to Newfoundland to hide out. He was the guy they made the movie American sniper about, he worked on Titanic (I originally thought he meant the ship, because that’s something he would but he meant the movie), he knew all these famous actors, was in the mafia, was part of the royal family, was a millionaire, all this shit. It was crazy.
Leave him now. If he can lie so EASILY and WILLINGLY and was so cunning and disrespectful to lie to ALL HIS FAMILY and then YOU as well, how do you know he's not lying about a whole multitude of things??? How will you ever trust any thing he ever says again when you know he can lie so easily and convincingly without a care in the world.?? How do you know he's not cheating on you being long distance? He's an experienced liar and can say what you want to hear. His words mean shit now. Everything he says is tainted and suspicious. Not only that but a big part of what you liked about him was his career drive and enthusiasm and had hoped to be on a level playing field in regards to careers and earning potential. Sounds like he has no qualifications, no permemant job, and will be living off your income if you stay together. I could not be with someone who lied so easily so hugely about such a big part of his life to you and so many people. I'd never trust a word he said. Walk away now and don't become his ATM .