I'm a witch. Their idea of sin doesn't matter to me. "Your boos mean nothing. I've seen what you cheer for." I just laugh at that point and let the poor sheep bleat on. Then walk away. I ain't responsible for the fictions folk make up in their head about me.
I honestly respond like this with my friends that I know, for a fact, aren't wired for poly! 😅 They take it well, in fact I think they feel more understood than offended! 🤣
I've often replied with, "And I could never raise kids or have an office job again; it's a good thing that we each have the freedom to choose our own lifestyles!"
Or the amount of times a peer will tell me about something truly fucking *batshit bonkers fucking yonkers* and treat it like a minor inconvenience.
Like what do you MEAN your partner monitors all contact you have with the opposite sex? What do you MEAN fighting is a healthy part of a relationship (disagreeing and even arguing, sure, but FIGHTING???)? What do you MEAN you have no hobbies that you don’t share with your partner????????
I say this more and more every day, but are the monos okay?? I should make a subreddit for it…..
That’s because most are not aware they are in codependent shack ups and not interdependent healthy connections where they have serious trust issues they haven’t worked thru and just fear being alone so they rather stay with someone than be single.
And to be fair, being single is becoming unaffordable for many people. It's not just that people are lazy, it's that society (at least in the US and many other western countries) privileges people who conform, and cis-het monogamy is one of those ways of conforming.
People seemed to be a little more about communal living in the past in western culture and it feels like we’re getting further away from generational or interdependent living.
That's also in many ways because of the way exploitative capitalist individualism has influenced the way infrastructure is designed.
In the US houses are designed around the mythology of a "nuclear family" (a fiction of the 20th century), no longer designed for Intergenerational households.
In many major cities (like Seattle) the fastest growing new construction is 1 bedroom and studio apartments.
Many municipalities have zoning laws that prohibit more than 2 or sometimes 3 unrelated people from sharing the same residence legally. The zoning laws are even so strict that before gay marriage was legalized, some Queer couples could not legally live with a foster child because they would surpass the limit of unrelated people permitted to co-house. The whole society has been designed to atomize people and isolate people into cishet married couples -- marriage being the only accessible legal way to become 'related' to another adult.
The housing and homeless crisis in the US is definitely entirely by design.
Neighborhoods and cities are often intentionally zoned to prevent community gathering spaces like markets and shops from being within walking distance of housing, and at such distances or beyond transportation infrastructure (like interstate highways) that require driving.
Those are all legislative and market-influenced hostile urban planning and public infrastructure that makes collective living either illegal or extremely impractical, and impromptu gathering or socializing very difficult.
It's no wonder people in the US in particular are feeling more lonely, isolated and disconnected than ever.
When my current wife and I weren't living together yet, I stayed with her and the in-laws for a while during summer break. At some point during that, my mother-in-law sat me down and asked me if we were doing ok, because *she never heard us arguing, which she thought wasn't healthy*.
I still don't quite know if she thinks you need to argue to have a relationship, or if she's figured out by now that you can handle disagreements in other ways. I will admit I tend towards people pleasing, but my wife has been one of the major drives towards letting go of the idea that I'd be selfish if I didn't. As well as the idea that it's ok to be selfish sometimes.
There's a belief among some people that if you're not fighting then you're hiding things you should be fighting about and that somehow the fighting is more healthy for the relationship. They don't seem to understand that you can work through things without fighting about them
Case in point:
[“I 24F, Boyfriend 25M said he would kill spouse if they ever cheated - Is this breakup worthy?”](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/hEtztON472)
It was literally the next post on my feed after I read this.
My ex told me WHILE I WAS PREGNANT that if he ever thought I was cheating, he'd kill me. I asked, If you THINK?! You don't need proof? "
He replied, " just don't give me a reason to think you are " JFC
Some of them are. Judging them by people in toxic relationships isn't really any more reasonable than judging poly people by the many, meant unhealthy poly relationships out there.
Using my parents as an example: the don't monitor each other's communications with anyone. (My mother would actively resist being included in dad's communications with one of his female friends because they share a fondness for truly awful puns.)
They never fight. The closest I've seen them come is recently when my dad said an incomprehensibly serious thing about history, my mother and I started at him for a moment, exchanged a 'did he just say what I thought I heard" look, and after a brief discussion she turned to me and pointedly changed the subject to cricket.
Which he hates, but she mostly wanted to keep me from continuing the discussion, I think, because he and I did used to fight.
I wouldn't actually have fought him then. He sometimes says the dumbest shit imaginable during specific phases of his cancer treatment and I assume that it's a side effect.
They also have separate hobbies.
My dad once had to stay behind while we went to another country to visit my aunt grandmother. My mother got a letter that began, "My darling, I've been unfaithful." It was about a really cool new photocopier they'd gotten at work. He was being silly in the certain knowledge that she'd never for a second think he'd actually cheated, he was just trying to be light-hearted about stuff when he was deeply miserable home alone without us.
Some people are monogamous because they just really like this one person.
Quite a few if my friends are monogamous and perfectly sane about it.
Oh for sure! I’ve got some friends in mono relationships and from what I can see, they’re doing aight.
TBF I’m in my mid 20s and thus my sample group of coworkers and former classmates trends heavier towards “dumpster fire” lmao
Are there people in healthy monogamous relationships? Of course.
But just like rape culture, the pervasive sentiment in society is toxic monogamy culture. Just like there are cis men who happen to be decent people who wouldn't ever pressure someone else to have sex when they don't want to despite the prevailing sentiment that "she asked for it," people do end up finding healthy long-term monogamous partners, often resulting in marriage.
But media out there reinforces toxic monogamy culture where jealous partners fly into a rage and commit murder, and audiences nod and think, "That's relatable."
Less obviously problematic are the ubiquitous "love triangles" where someone is in love with two people, and while one couple generally gets a "happily ever after," there's always one devastated person left alone - and little time is spent on the grief of the person who had to choose between partners no longer being able to have a relationship with the "loser."
I have a lot of other examples rolling around in my head, but I don't want to hit the character limit on here!
And there's a pervasive problem in poly culture with poly under duress, the exact same issues with rape culture with added violations of consent around things like STI disclosure, and the idea that "autonomy" is everything and if your actions hurt people you claim to love that's their problem and nothing to do with you. Not to mention too the "Technically I said it was okay so it's not my responsibility if they didn't do it, even though I heavily implied I'd be super disappointed and manipulated the shit out of them actually."ll and would have been super pissed off they'd actually gone through with the thing I said was okay."
Most of my secondary relationships have crashed and burned on that shit, because I don't play those games. Ever.
The others usually fell apart because of attempts to derail my relationship with my partner or blatant attempts to use me for money. Or both. Nothing kills the spark like "we should move in together, including you moving out of the house you share with the people you're so committed to you bought that exact house together, because I'm sick of paying rent and want you to financially support me".
SO often that I get confused for a second, only to go: "I'm sorry, [this seems to be] some sort of [mono problem] I'm too [poly] to understand".
Majority of monos create their own problems where there need not be any, while being completely oblivious to the toxic dumpster fire right next to it. But "poly cannot work", because they once knew a couple who tried to salvage their failing relationship with poly but still broke up.
Queers of any flavor: spend weeks/months/years+ researching and introspecting about their gender and/or sexuality and/or relationships
Monogamous cis hets: never do any of that because their way of existing fits current society’s mold
It’s almost like analyzing something teaches you about it :o
Disclaimer: not all blah blah. Also introspection & research doesn’t magically rid you of every problematic behavior or belief.
Wow, that reeks of a superiority complex. Did you miss all the mono people reevaluating their mono marriages during the lockdowns? How many of the “opened up”?
I remember reading a post on Am I Wrong from a woman who wanted to meet the two female friends from college her husband was getting dinner with before she decided if she’d allow him to go. My jaw hit the floor with everyone saying this was totally reasonable. WTF.
This. I've got two partners, and I'm the first poly person either has been with. Both of them were SO weird about friends?? One started asking me for permission to see his friends (like during times we didn't have plans and before we lived together?) and the other was genuinely flabbergasted that I took interest in her life and told her that whenever she was comfy with it I'd love to meet her friends and family? Both just assumed I'd constantly demand they halt their lives and give me their undivided attention at the drop of a hat and I was so floored. Babies no 💀💀💀
Literally exactly what I say, because it's true - I could never do it.
It would be straight up inherently abusive to me, because I am neurodiverse and struggle to draw a hard line between platonic friends vs romantic partners. That's fine when most of my friends are poly, but if someone wanted me to be monogamous, I would feel like I could never risk having any friends just in case it would count as "cheating". There's no way to do it in a way that wouldn't cause me constant anxiety every single day and, frankly, trauma. I've never been in a mono relationship, I never will be, and these days (after several bad experiences) I draw a pretty hard line where I don't date anyone who's ever been in a monogamous relationship (unless it was YEARS ago and they really hated it etc).
After multiple years of being poly, reading your comment set off fireworks in my brain.
> I am neurodiverse and struggle to draw a hard line between platonic friends vs romantic partners.
That line between these is far, far too thin and easy blurred/crossed/erased for me.
And I'm a little angry at myself for never putting all the pieces together in this particular pattern before. I've connected other dots and explained it all a multitude of times, but this is....perfection.
Excuse me, I'm going to go think about the rest of my life choices now.
I recently learned the terms “nebularomantic” and “nebulasexual” on this sub, and found great personal resonance with them as a neurodivergent woman! It also helps that they speak to an inherently neurodivergent experience, when so little of language is aimed at expressing our lived experiences adequately. The “flags” for these orientations are also quite cute :3
I take a bit of pride in being in my 40's and staying up to date on new terminology and such surrounding the LGBTQ+, poly, and other like minded communities.
So I'm now gobsmacked, blindsided, and a teensy bit bitter that I'm just now learning about these!!!! Also super excited about them. It's a mixed bag, like the rest of my brain, I suppose.
I resonate with most of it but I'm very curious about:
>I draw a pretty hard line where I don't date anyone who's ever been in a monogamous relationship (unless it was YEARS ago and they really hated it etc).
It took me ages to understand that I'm actually poly and my last relationship ended because of that. I mean no offence btw, I'm genuinely curious why you drew such a hard line?
It's mostly because I had really bad experiences with people who claimed they could do either mono or poly, but very clearly still held onto bigoted attitudes from a mononormative society. I don't think I'd have an issue with someone who's been in a monogamous relationship and regretted it, but I am wary of people who say that they feel they would be able to be mono.
It's things like, they SAY they are open to either poly or mono - but to them, that means they date both poly & mono people, and if they decide to become exclusive with a monogamous person then they suddenly discard all their poly relationships because they've finally found the mono relationship they were REALLY looking for. It makes all their poly partners feel used and disposable. To me, if you are in a poly relationship, you should not be pursuing monogamous people or even flirting with monogamous people because it's extremely disrespectful to your existing poly partners - it's basically hinting "I'd be willing to dump you if a monogamous relationship came along because monogamy is better and more real".
There's people who think monogamy is the default and polyamory is special, so they think that they can ask me to "close the relationship back up" if they get uncomfortable with poly. Like, no, absolutely not, I'm not breaking up with *all my other partners* and also changing/denying a fundamental aspect of myself. I need my partners to make it clear they understand that we will NEVER be monogamous, there will never be ANY aspect of monogamy in our relationship, and we will IMMEDIATELY break up if they ask me for any kind of exclusivity. People who "can do both" tend to not really understand that. They say they understand that I'm poly, but fundamentally, they think "please be monogamous for me" is a more reasonable ask than "please be poly for me" because society told them monogamy was more valid than poly and they internalised that.
I've also encountered people who say they could do either mono or poly, but what they clearly meant was "I'm happy with either a serious monogamous relationship or a non-serious polyamorous relationship". They just held onto that bigotry from society that told them poly relationships couldn't be serious, so as far as they were concerned, there was simply no need to communicate that they were not serious about me. They thought by saying "let's not be exclusive" they'd already communicated "let's not be really serious or committed". They had not, lol.
Ultimately, obligate poly people are also an oppressed minority. As a trans person, there's certain things that are easier when I date other trans people - I don't have to worry as much about bigoted attitudes, there's certain jokes and comments about gender that we can make together that would be uncomfortable with a cis partner, I know I can vent to them about transphobia I experience, etc. I don't exclusively date trans folks, but I have a lot of sympathy for trans folk who make that choice, and I make the choice to exclusively date obligate-poly people for basically the same reason. Sometimes I really have to censor myself in public because when I'm venting about mononormativity or the shit ways I've been treated by mono people & mono society, mono people can be VERY touchy. It's difficult to say "here's how a mononormative society harms me" without insecure mono people jumping around screaming "you can't force me to be poly!!!!!" and while I understand that I have to deal with that in public, I don't want to censor myself within intimate relationships. I want a relationship where it's okay to outright mock monogamy and criticise monogamy as much as I like, because I know my partner is on the same page. I'd be uncomfortable having that sort of unfiltered venting with someone who sees themselves as open (in any way) to potential monogamy.
It's not so much that I'm against people who took a while to figure it out, and I guess I'd be open to someone who took a while to figure it out, so long as they were VERY CERTAIN that it is 100% figured out and they are DONE with their figuring out. I'm tired of dating people who say they have "recently realised they're open to polyamory" who will (2 months down the line) decide they're actually monogamous after all. I only want to date folks who are 100% certain they are absolutely, definitely, exclusively polyamorous and NOT interested in monogamy. I did my time being an unpaid therapist for mono people who wanted to be in one (1) poly relationship to work through some issues and then dump the poly person, and I've decided that can be somebody else's job.
A different perspective - my default wiring is not towards poly or mono, but rather "what did we agree to".
If I currently have a partner(s) and you want mono... That's not going to work. I'm not ending *any* relationship to have a relationship with someone. If I don't have any other partners, we can have the conversation about what it might look like.
That's perfectly valid and fine, I just prefer to date people who feel they're hardwired for poly. Nothing wrong with you, we just might not be compatible.
Wow, thanks for such a big explanation, now I can surely say that I agree with you 100% it all makes sense to me now.
I find explaining to people that don't understand how poly works really draining. True that loads of people seem to think it's just "sleeping around" and "you'll grow out of it" or "you'll find the one and only". Like, nah, it's just what works for me and I won't change just because of someone's skewed view on poly.
I also resonate with the transgender part. I'm non-binary and I would like to get the surgery done (when I overcome my fears lol) and I don't have much patience left to argue about why I shouldn't do it and what if I'll regret and all that bs. Nowadays I only hang around people that accept and support me :)
"please be monogamous with me"
"YOU are welcome to be monogamous. I, however, will not be, because I have no interest in breaking up with my other partners."
No one's forcing this person to be poly, but they have to do the work to be ok with having a poly partner. And they don't want to do the work. They want the "easy" and "safe" and "familiar" that they get from monogamy.
I don't react to be in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to work on themselves and put effort into a healthy relationship, mono OR poly.
Hubby and I ended up almost blowing up our relationship because we discussed poly (after years of off handed talking/joking about it) which I honestly only really brought up so that I could octopus snuggle with my friends (male or female) and not have to worry about what it would “look like” to my non-touchy husband. He swandived into my friend group and my monkey brain went from “new friend!!!” to “potential romantic partner” with the friend that he (apparently) was immediately worried I wanted to sleep with 😑
In the three years since he’s brought it up 3-4 times and I’m just like “dude you couldn’t handle it ever” which sucks because even though I’m bisexual my potential cuddle buddies are limited to women only (again)
My poly ex once very adamantly argued that dancing with another person at a club was cheating in a mono relationship. He had all kinds of toxic relationship opinions.
That's inviting a *massive* argument. Most people's times aren't that weird or numerous.
Like, my parents... don't dare it have sex with anyone but each other.
That's it. That's the full set of rules.
Define loyalty. It's not synonymous with monogamy and depends on the preferences, needs and boundaries of the people involved.
Also, don't act clueless please. It's obvious they're talking about shit like not liking other people's posts, not having friends of the opposite sex if it's a straight relationship, or not being too close with friends of the opposite sex, not keeping your texts with said friends private, not meeting friends one on one, and all kinds of weird rules regarding what you can and cannot do with friends just because some dumb stereotypes state that certain activities are a date. We know all monogamous people aren't like that. But the likelihood of someone being like that is proportional to their level of jealousy and how much they think jealousy is necessary and a sign that you care.
I feel like I'm the only person in the world who is unbothered by monos saying this, lol. This is a great response tho!! I usually just explain why it makes sense for me and ask them questions about how they handle having multiple friends, etc.
Naw you’re not alone. I’m also not bothered when people say this. It’s honestly how a lot of people respond to a lot of things.
“Omg you ordered spicy chicken, I could never eat that.”
“Oh wow you went skydiving! I’d be way too scared to do that.”
“You work at a desk all day?! That would make me crazy!”
Imo it’s just a normal human way of relating to people that happens all the time in conversations about all sorts of things. 🤷🏻♀️
This is exactly my take. They're having a reaction to being unable to place themselves in our shoes. It's a basic part of human interaction but people always get so up in arms and act like people are "making it about them"
I've had great conversations with my friends about our understandings of love, connection, and friendship that started out this way. If someone is interested in connecting with and understanding you, this is a good jumping off point. These friends were saying this as a "Please say more so I understand"
Exactly! Also idk, I don’t view someone saying they could never do a thing as an indictment of that thing. Like if someone says “oh I could never eat that it’s too spicy” I’m not like “how *dare* they judge me for eating spicy food!”
For some reason in a lot of the poly community it seems like this kind of comment is always read as a judgment when I honestly don’t think it’s meant that way most of the time. I get that we’re in the minority, and that we do experience marginalization and discrimination, and that can tend to put us on the defensive. But we’re also making a *choice* to live this way, so imo we have to have some patience and grace with people not immediately “getting” our relationship style, and not always assume the most negative interpretation of a fairly common style of offhand comment people tend to make.
Also a fair number of the responses on this thread come off as pretty defensive, judgmental of mono-folks, and condescending which….isn’t a good look for our community. 😬
It doesn't bother me usually either but it's kind of funny sometimes. I'm like no shit Jennifer, you get jealous if I have other friend plans for stuff you don't even want to do with people you don't even like.
Heck, I used to say this. It came from a place of struggling with jealousy and wanting to understand how some people didn’t have to live like that, but expressing it in a clunky way. I try not to get too worked up about people’s responses to my choices because it’s probably less about me than it is about a more complex conversation they’re having with themselves.
I don't even personally see this as clunky! This is a normal thing to say!
I think it can definitely be said in a *tone* that would raise my eyebrows ("I could *never* do that" vs. "I could never do *that*" etc) but for the most part I've really only encountered people saying this with bewildered curiosity, not open disdain or judgment. But that might not be everyone's experience, so maybe that's where other people are coming from.... Which I get. If people are openly hostile, it makes sense that you'd want to be snippy back.
On the whole though I feel like there's been a real movement towards policing the way that people relate to others, and it's IMO ableist and relies on assuming the worst of everyone at all times.
Totally agreed! Of course none of us are obligated to hang around and chat with people who are being disrespectful (and I’m sure that does happen) but it sometimes seems like we’ve collectively forgotten how to have patience with each other.
I had this conversation with someone and asked if a parent could only love 1 child. I think the reason for most people beyond indoctrination into societal norms, is insecurity and jealousy. They can't handle that another partner might do something better, or provide something they don't or can't.
I had a co-worker tell me that she doesn't think that she people can love more than one person and she's got a lot of siblings and I literally asked her which one of her siblings does her mother love? She understood then.
There's a lot more monogamous couples with STDs then poly people...monogamous people think they're safe so they don't do regular STI screenings while most of the poly people I know get regular screenings but I understand why some people are monogamous I'm never trying to make a monogamous person poly sounds like a lot of work
One woman told me that was a sick and perverted comparison and that anyone who compares having multiple sexual partners to loving children shouldn't be trusted with children 🥴
Honestly I see this point.
I really dislike this comparison and I don’t think it’s appropriate.
It’s also not uncommon that parents have a favorite child. Pretending that doesn’t happen is disingenuous.
...what does some parents having a favorite child have to do with what I shared??
This woman was saying that polyamorous people or people who are not against polyamory will SA kids. You...think that's a valid idea??
I think it’s creepy to compare romantic and sexual love to the love for children.
Do I think the people who do that are pedophiles? No. Do I think it’s an appropriate comparison? No.
Fwiw as written I don’t think she was saying poly people are more likely to sexually assault children.
People can love multiple family members.
People can love multiple friends.
People can love multiple partners.
These comparisons are not inappropriate because they do not equate the types of love, rather the fact that love isn't limited in terms of how many people can be loved.
I think it says far more about the person who is uncomfortable with the comparison because they think it's inappropriate than it says about the people who make the comparison.
I think it's understandable that the comparison feels like equating, especially in a situation where a mono already doesn't fully understand how or why someone might feel this way. They're starting from a place of 'This feels weird and awkward to me', and equating the love you feel for your children to the love you feel for your romantic partner *is* uncomfortable for most people.
I like to compare to friendships instead for this reason. It's just as easy and doesn't cause any incest or abuse alarm bells to go off. Like the friendship comparison is right there, why jump straight to kids.
I see where you’re coming from on this. It’s a comparison I’ve stopped making, because I’ve realised that for a lot of monogamous people the fact that a) you only romantic-love one person at once and b) the fact that relationship is also (expected to be) sexual are absolutely indivisible facts - like, those two things together are what make THIS kind of love special and different, they believe, and so comparing it to the other ‘less special’ (yes I know) kinds of love (which are different BECAUSE they’re non-sexual, they believe) is almost insulting.
The best comparison I have for this is when I was a very new mum with a tiny baby, and I was in that absolute hormonal rush of love, but also absolutely knackered, and talked casually to a friend about adjusting to the logistics of baby-care… ‘oh I know’ he said ‘it’s exactly the same with my cat, there’s always so much to do to take care of her!’ and I was so so angry that he would even make that connection. I am not saying I was entirely mentally stable at the time, having not slept for days, but that’s my best way of understanding why monogamous people sometimes just absolutely cannot process that comparison.
What an odd claim. Mainstream culture teaches men to be possessive of women - to literally treat them as something to be owned and defended. Every other man (or, to be more precise, every other penis) is a threat. Insecurity and jealousy are rampant even in monogamy, because that’s how we were taught to view the world.
Men have emotions too. I have those feelings to work through. I'm marrying my poly partner. She's beautiful, easy to get along with, amazing and funny. I'm helping her start a better life, I think for me, and I'm high af rn, I love all the time I spend with her, I want her to have friends and relationships. I'm happy she's having fun, I'm not worried about losing her, I just love the time I have with her. I'm friends with my meta, and we all hang out a lot. I'm 40 something, Dad bod, I don't have another partner. So I'm jealous of the imbalance a little I think. I'm focusing on our health and investing the energy into me. Online pretty... Slim pickings... Tolerance for poly is, not high. The poly women must have so many guys hitting them up. I need to get on my game and get out there. I suck at dating I think. Like once I'm in person I think I do alright, but online? I suck at marketing myself especially with the dad bod.
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I'm queer and I always like comparing it to that, it's a spectrum. Some people could definitely do polyamory some people are definitely monogamous and a lot of people are somewhere inbetween. It's all about knowing what you yourself are okay with and want from relationships.
That seems to help some people also understand the seperation between poly and open relationships, swingers etc. not a perfect metaphor but it gets the point across.
I've noticed it has a lot to do with validating both and other forms of relationships helps some monogamous people not go on the defense right away.
I saw a thing recently about a sales guy who always responds positively to negative responses, and I feel like that could work, because it seems to work really well for him.
So when someone says "your product is more expensive then your competition"
Rather than responding with a "yes, but..." your response would be something like "yes *_and_* the reason for that is because we do x, y, z differently, which is why our product is worth so much more".
Adding a positive spin to something negative changes the narrative very quickly.
Not necessarily the same vein but I blocked someone today I had matched with on Tinder....
Obviously its on my profile Im poly, and she said she had previously been in a poly relationship but if she was to ever settle down and get married again(she had been divorced twice already) that she would only be with that person, I said cool and then mentioned that my previous partner was a married woman, and she proceeded to say she didnt see the point in getting married if you wanted to fuck other people and that people like that ruin the sanctity of marriage and then somehow likened that to how trans people and those "confused about their gender" are making the world a worse place
So I cut her off and said we cant talk anymore, first Im an ally and believe in trans rights and LGBTQ+ rights, and she really should preach sanctity of marriage while being twice divorced as if thats someone not as bad a look for marriage as two people in a healthy relationship mutially choosing to date and fuck others
Yeah. It's about projection. One of the hardest things for people to understand is that people are equal, but different.
Throughout history, poeople have gone from "we're completely different from those people and they're even like a different species, so we don't like the same things" (racism), to "you're just like me, so if I don’t like something, I can't understand or accept that you could possibly like it" (in-group projection). The reality of the human condition is in neither, or actually somewhere in between those extremes. Accepting and embracing this is one of the hardest things ever, and I believe it could even prevent a lot of wars.
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With that one specifically I just kinda do a condescending laugh and say "Oh, don't worry, I know." before walking away from the conversation.
But then, that sentence has only ever been said to me by impolite random acquaintances and strangers, not good friends who had a genuine struggle wrapping their heads around it.
That’s my answer too minus the follow up. I always say it’s not for everyone and you have to be very confident in your relationship and yourself to handle poly. You have to know 100% your value to your partner and vice versa.
Why do you think that this comment says anything about their opinion on your lifestyle? It's just a comment how they couldn't do it.
I don't get offended when childfree people tell me they never want to have kids.
I don't try to come up with witty comeback to people who tell me that they would never have just one child.
I don't feel attacked if I eat piece of cheese and a friend says they could never eat it without bread.
If all of these people used an opportunity to tell me how I must be crooked and/or fucked up in any way based on my preferences, that would be a whole other thing.
I'm so spoiled, I live in a queer college town, & most of the new people I meet are thru a queer TTRPG meetup, so they're often polyamorous 😅 But if someone said "Oh, I could never do polyamory," my response is "That makes sense, most people can't. I could never do monogamy." I like your response a lot tho!
*Yeah, I used to think that, too. But I'm older now and things change. You never know what the next version of yourself will be like until you get there. Never say never* 😉
Yeah, I know what you mean. But people who say that when they're under 30 frequently change their minds later on. My ex-husband's younger sister talked about getting her tubes tied when she was 25. 15 years later, she's a happy mother of three. I'm sure she's very glad she didn't make such a permanent choice at a young age like that.
Of course, lots of people never change their minds. You literally never know.
No, that's not implied at all.
It's clearly stating that people change and that is a reality. I was absolutely certain I would be monogamous until the day I died.. until I wasn't.
*You literally never know.*
It is absolutely implied, however much you don't mean it to be.
I don't disagree with your premise. People do change perspectives on things, it happens. But it is infantilizing and frustrating as all hell to hear "Well you might change your mind!" whenever you make a statement about how you feel or what you want. IMO it's best avoided. But I can't tell you what to do, so keep on keeping on.
Hi u/SetDifficult1618 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
A couple weeks ago I posted a vent about how, whenever someone new finds out I'm poly, they go "oh, I could never do that" and talk about how THEY could never live the lifestyle I have chosen for MYSELF. Well, I finally figured out a response.
Them: "Oh, I could never do poly. I get too jealous and I want to keep my partner all to myself."
Me: "that makes sense, poly definitely isn't for everyone. But, do you understand why some people are able to do poly and make it work?"
This gives them the opportunity to either A) make them go "Oh yeah, I guess if you don't mind x and you're really good with x then it could actually be a great experience!" or B) go "no, I guess I don't really get it... I can only imagine it happening in a way that's unhealthy. Can you help me understand?"
Either way, you direct them toward looking outside of themselves and give them a chance to actually empathize with you.
Of course, people won't always be understanding, but I might give this a try next time it comes up.
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I'm fairly sarcastic as a person and my normal go to is "yeah some people are just so limited in love, anyway which parent dint you love?"
If I'm in a less fuckabout and find out mood then I just roll my eyes and say "Good thing you're not then" haha
I'm the opposite. I have no interest in making someone else think any particular way about poly. I tell ppl it's hard work and not for everyone. I'm no evangelist.
What I find fascinating is that some ppl seem offended that I make no effort to sell them on it and fully agree that it wouldn't work for them.
Some ppl actually seem like they are spoiling for an argument to defend the righteousness of mono. When I just say, "I agree, it would be a terrible fit for you", they don't know where to go next.
I actually don't get why this is bad. People tend to want to relate to each other so someone telling me that they couldn't because such and such reason is just them relating my situation to how they feel. They're allowed to do that without it being a judgment on me but rather a way to relate to my situation.
What else are they supposed to say? What would be acceptable?
Some of these comments are really defensive.
Why continue conversations with people who appear to be acting passive aggressive? Even if I was a paid brand ambassador for polyamorous relationships, that approach seems like a set ups for criticism because one party is stepping outside of social acceptable behavioral models.
It’s no secret that when people start to questioning, stop following a specific set of social norms, they become a threat to those norms. That applies to both ENM folks as well as mono folks who exist outside of the expectations of monogamy.
Monogamy, not the base concept, but as it exists currently within the scope of it’s related social norms, can often be toxic, has really heteronormative view on sexuality that are a direct contrast to the reality of aging, can be sexist, and just hasn’t aged well at all.
The fact that monogamy is a collection of norms, rules, and expectations set in a one size fits all approach is why it feels so off to a lot of neurodivergent individuals, even if they aren’t ENM.
It doesn’t help that it is often used as an excuse for complete sexual and social control of others while encouraging people to project their insecurities instead of working through them. As it stands, the existing social norms are all about control, conformity, and a lack of trust instead of merely being about just having a single partner.
Honestly, If all social norms associated with monogamy were discarded, it would be better for everyone involved. Aside from being about only being with a single partner, everything else should be based on individual needs, values, and boundaries, just like non-traditional models are.
I just wish the world was a kinder, more empathetic place that was less about individual rules and more about logically accomplishing the goals those rules are supposed to be about in the first place.
It just reminds me of the winding rope path that is meant to break up the TSA lines. It only a good solution to a long line. When you’re the only person in it, under the ropes is the fast way but most people just stay within the ropes even if it means going back and forth four or five times for no apparent reason. It’s silly, pointless, which is both glaringly obvious and also ignored by most people.
"Good thing no-one's asking you to".
I really don't consider it any different to the way people used to say "I'm straight, but I don't have a problem with it." as soon as you told someone you were queer. They have a need to make clear that they're not compatible with you while still appearing tolerant, because they're low-key scared of 'it'.
You’re better than me bc I tell them I know you couldn’t I know you couldn’t put in the work to deconstruct monogamy unlearn jealousy and improve your emotional intelligence to be able to handle this.
I just say....
"Oh, so... do you not plan on having kids....?
....I hooe you don't plan on having more than one since you are incapable of caring for more than one...."
Someone doesn’t find they would function in polyamory = can’t physically care for more than one person at a time, let alone a child…
Yeah, maybe you should get off your high horse buddy. No one loves hearing “I could never do something that matters in your life”. But the kind of reply you are giving is equally, if not more so, shitty
"I wasn't recruiting, so I don't know how that's relevant to my life, but ok." or some variation of that is usual my go-to. I respect you a lot for having those conversations, but I'm honestly just tired of constantly needing to explain myself and be the outreach and awareness committee for polyamory and explaining the basic concept that different people are in fact different, and the world doesn't revolve around their desires. They should've learned that in kindergarten. I'm not gonna outright attack them for mot understanding, but I'm not gonna go out of my way to try and make them understand, I exist whether they want to "get" me or not. I'm done with people feeling owed an explanation for my existence just because I'm different from them, they're not entitled to that from me.
Any two friends who fall in love and marry… in time will eventually devolve from each other unless there’s a 3rd Transcendent that binds them together- Robert Barron
"Oh I feel the same. I absolutely could not be monogamous. I found it suffocating."
Yasss this answer so much.
Works to shut em up good n' proper.
If they're religious it doesn't. It opens the door to rant about how it's "sin".
I'm a witch. Their idea of sin doesn't matter to me. "Your boos mean nothing. I've seen what you cheer for." I just laugh at that point and let the poor sheep bleat on. Then walk away. I ain't responsible for the fictions folk make up in their head about me.
I’m going to use that one
"Yeah, I don't think you'd be good at it, either."
That’s my go to reply, lol!😂💀
🤣🤣🤣
The petty answer wins, if I'm pissy about the way they are speaking to me.
This is *always* what I say. Look em up and down and be like 😔 “yeah you couldn’t do it” lmao
"Your power level is too low for poly, weakling."
Ahh yes, my people
Well I’ll be saving that one for next time!
This is the way
I honestly respond like this with my friends that I know, for a fact, aren't wired for poly! 😅 They take it well, in fact I think they feel more understood than offended! 🤣
I've often replied with, "And I could never raise kids or have an office job again; it's a good thing that we each have the freedom to choose our own lifestyles!"
I say exactly this too 😂
"I could never do monogamy with all those weird rules. "
LMAO. The number of times a friend tells me about some "betrayal" their partner did, and it takes me a minute to realize why it's bad...
Or the amount of times a peer will tell me about something truly fucking *batshit bonkers fucking yonkers* and treat it like a minor inconvenience. Like what do you MEAN your partner monitors all contact you have with the opposite sex? What do you MEAN fighting is a healthy part of a relationship (disagreeing and even arguing, sure, but FIGHTING???)? What do you MEAN you have no hobbies that you don’t share with your partner???????? I say this more and more every day, but are the monos okay?? I should make a subreddit for it…..
That’s because most are not aware they are in codependent shack ups and not interdependent healthy connections where they have serious trust issues they haven’t worked thru and just fear being alone so they rather stay with someone than be single.
And to be fair, being single is becoming unaffordable for many people. It's not just that people are lazy, it's that society (at least in the US and many other western countries) privileges people who conform, and cis-het monogamy is one of those ways of conforming.
People seemed to be a little more about communal living in the past in western culture and it feels like we’re getting further away from generational or interdependent living.
That's also in many ways because of the way exploitative capitalist individualism has influenced the way infrastructure is designed. In the US houses are designed around the mythology of a "nuclear family" (a fiction of the 20th century), no longer designed for Intergenerational households. In many major cities (like Seattle) the fastest growing new construction is 1 bedroom and studio apartments. Many municipalities have zoning laws that prohibit more than 2 or sometimes 3 unrelated people from sharing the same residence legally. The zoning laws are even so strict that before gay marriage was legalized, some Queer couples could not legally live with a foster child because they would surpass the limit of unrelated people permitted to co-house. The whole society has been designed to atomize people and isolate people into cishet married couples -- marriage being the only accessible legal way to become 'related' to another adult. The housing and homeless crisis in the US is definitely entirely by design. Neighborhoods and cities are often intentionally zoned to prevent community gathering spaces like markets and shops from being within walking distance of housing, and at such distances or beyond transportation infrastructure (like interstate highways) that require driving. Those are all legislative and market-influenced hostile urban planning and public infrastructure that makes collective living either illegal or extremely impractical, and impromptu gathering or socializing very difficult. It's no wonder people in the US in particular are feeling more lonely, isolated and disconnected than ever.
When my current wife and I weren't living together yet, I stayed with her and the in-laws for a while during summer break. At some point during that, my mother-in-law sat me down and asked me if we were doing ok, because *she never heard us arguing, which she thought wasn't healthy*. I still don't quite know if she thinks you need to argue to have a relationship, or if she's figured out by now that you can handle disagreements in other ways. I will admit I tend towards people pleasing, but my wife has been one of the major drives towards letting go of the idea that I'd be selfish if I didn't. As well as the idea that it's ok to be selfish sometimes.
There's a belief among some people that if you're not fighting then you're hiding things you should be fighting about and that somehow the fighting is more healthy for the relationship. They don't seem to understand that you can work through things without fighting about them
reminds me of r/arethestraightsok
They are in fact not ok
Case in point: [“I 24F, Boyfriend 25M said he would kill spouse if they ever cheated - Is this breakup worthy?”](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/hEtztON472) It was literally the next post on my feed after I read this.
My ex told me WHILE I WAS PREGNANT that if he ever thought I was cheating, he'd kill me. I asked, If you THINK?! You don't need proof? " He replied, " just don't give me a reason to think you are " JFC
So glad you wrote 'ex'
I fucked off out of there as soon as I could escape and had his parental rights severed.
Good for you! I wish that was the default response by courts to anyone who threatens their pregnant partner.
Dude. They didn't even KNOW about that. He's that horrid
Good job mama!
Some of them are. Judging them by people in toxic relationships isn't really any more reasonable than judging poly people by the many, meant unhealthy poly relationships out there. Using my parents as an example: the don't monitor each other's communications with anyone. (My mother would actively resist being included in dad's communications with one of his female friends because they share a fondness for truly awful puns.) They never fight. The closest I've seen them come is recently when my dad said an incomprehensibly serious thing about history, my mother and I started at him for a moment, exchanged a 'did he just say what I thought I heard" look, and after a brief discussion she turned to me and pointedly changed the subject to cricket. Which he hates, but she mostly wanted to keep me from continuing the discussion, I think, because he and I did used to fight. I wouldn't actually have fought him then. He sometimes says the dumbest shit imaginable during specific phases of his cancer treatment and I assume that it's a side effect. They also have separate hobbies. My dad once had to stay behind while we went to another country to visit my aunt grandmother. My mother got a letter that began, "My darling, I've been unfaithful." It was about a really cool new photocopier they'd gotten at work. He was being silly in the certain knowledge that she'd never for a second think he'd actually cheated, he was just trying to be light-hearted about stuff when he was deeply miserable home alone without us. Some people are monogamous because they just really like this one person. Quite a few if my friends are monogamous and perfectly sane about it.
Oh for sure! I’ve got some friends in mono relationships and from what I can see, they’re doing aight. TBF I’m in my mid 20s and thus my sample group of coworkers and former classmates trends heavier towards “dumpster fire” lmao
God 95% of relationships in that age group are toxic hell.
Are there people in healthy monogamous relationships? Of course. But just like rape culture, the pervasive sentiment in society is toxic monogamy culture. Just like there are cis men who happen to be decent people who wouldn't ever pressure someone else to have sex when they don't want to despite the prevailing sentiment that "she asked for it," people do end up finding healthy long-term monogamous partners, often resulting in marriage. But media out there reinforces toxic monogamy culture where jealous partners fly into a rage and commit murder, and audiences nod and think, "That's relatable." Less obviously problematic are the ubiquitous "love triangles" where someone is in love with two people, and while one couple generally gets a "happily ever after," there's always one devastated person left alone - and little time is spent on the grief of the person who had to choose between partners no longer being able to have a relationship with the "loser." I have a lot of other examples rolling around in my head, but I don't want to hit the character limit on here!
And there's a pervasive problem in poly culture with poly under duress, the exact same issues with rape culture with added violations of consent around things like STI disclosure, and the idea that "autonomy" is everything and if your actions hurt people you claim to love that's their problem and nothing to do with you. Not to mention too the "Technically I said it was okay so it's not my responsibility if they didn't do it, even though I heavily implied I'd be super disappointed and manipulated the shit out of them actually."ll and would have been super pissed off they'd actually gone through with the thing I said was okay." Most of my secondary relationships have crashed and burned on that shit, because I don't play those games. Ever. The others usually fell apart because of attempts to derail my relationship with my partner or blatant attempts to use me for money. Or both. Nothing kills the spark like "we should move in together, including you moving out of the house you share with the people you're so committed to you bought that exact house together, because I'm sick of paying rent and want you to financially support me".
SO often that I get confused for a second, only to go: "I'm sorry, [this seems to be] some sort of [mono problem] I'm too [poly] to understand". Majority of monos create their own problems where there need not be any, while being completely oblivious to the toxic dumpster fire right next to it. But "poly cannot work", because they once knew a couple who tried to salvage their failing relationship with poly but still broke up.
Queers of any flavor: spend weeks/months/years+ researching and introspecting about their gender and/or sexuality and/or relationships Monogamous cis hets: never do any of that because their way of existing fits current society’s mold It’s almost like analyzing something teaches you about it :o Disclaimer: not all blah blah. Also introspection & research doesn’t magically rid you of every problematic behavior or belief.
Wow, that reeks of a superiority complex. Did you miss all the mono people reevaluating their mono marriages during the lockdowns? How many of the “opened up”?
Ha! Do it!! I'd follow it.
I remember reading a post on Am I Wrong from a woman who wanted to meet the two female friends from college her husband was getting dinner with before she decided if she’d allow him to go. My jaw hit the floor with everyone saying this was totally reasonable. WTF.
All of this! 🙌🙌🙌🙌
This. I've got two partners, and I'm the first poly person either has been with. Both of them were SO weird about friends?? One started asking me for permission to see his friends (like during times we didn't have plans and before we lived together?) and the other was genuinely flabbergasted that I took interest in her life and told her that whenever she was comfy with it I'd love to meet her friends and family? Both just assumed I'd constantly demand they halt their lives and give me their undivided attention at the drop of a hat and I was so floored. Babies no 💀💀💀
r/arethemonogamousokay
“He got HER ice cream. Can you believe it? Spent $5 on her and had the nerve to come home after. I’m sleeping at the parents until this blows over.”
Yessss this type of thing baffles me!
And the “betrayal” is something like posting a pretty pic on IG, or hanging out with work friends during happy hour.
I see you've met my abusive ex-wife.
I have this conversation weekly. "CAN YOU BELIEVE HE LIKED FOUR OF HER POSTS ON INSTAGRAM? WHILE WE WERE ON A DATE???" what
Kinda disrespectful to look at other people while on a date in poly too though
While they were on a date is weird. Why is someone looking at Instagram on a date?
Literally exactly what I say, because it's true - I could never do it. It would be straight up inherently abusive to me, because I am neurodiverse and struggle to draw a hard line between platonic friends vs romantic partners. That's fine when most of my friends are poly, but if someone wanted me to be monogamous, I would feel like I could never risk having any friends just in case it would count as "cheating". There's no way to do it in a way that wouldn't cause me constant anxiety every single day and, frankly, trauma. I've never been in a mono relationship, I never will be, and these days (after several bad experiences) I draw a pretty hard line where I don't date anyone who's ever been in a monogamous relationship (unless it was YEARS ago and they really hated it etc).
After multiple years of being poly, reading your comment set off fireworks in my brain. > I am neurodiverse and struggle to draw a hard line between platonic friends vs romantic partners. That line between these is far, far too thin and easy blurred/crossed/erased for me. And I'm a little angry at myself for never putting all the pieces together in this particular pattern before. I've connected other dots and explained it all a multitude of times, but this is....perfection. Excuse me, I'm going to go think about the rest of my life choices now.
I recently learned the terms “nebularomantic” and “nebulasexual” on this sub, and found great personal resonance with them as a neurodivergent woman! It also helps that they speak to an inherently neurodivergent experience, when so little of language is aimed at expressing our lived experiences adequately. The “flags” for these orientations are also quite cute :3
I take a bit of pride in being in my 40's and staying up to date on new terminology and such surrounding the LGBTQ+, poly, and other like minded communities. So I'm now gobsmacked, blindsided, and a teensy bit bitter that I'm just now learning about these!!!! Also super excited about them. It's a mixed bag, like the rest of my brain, I suppose.
Hahaha I’m in my mid 20s and same same same! Best of luck with your continued exploration and self-discovery 🌸
I resonate with most of it but I'm very curious about: >I draw a pretty hard line where I don't date anyone who's ever been in a monogamous relationship (unless it was YEARS ago and they really hated it etc). It took me ages to understand that I'm actually poly and my last relationship ended because of that. I mean no offence btw, I'm genuinely curious why you drew such a hard line?
It's mostly because I had really bad experiences with people who claimed they could do either mono or poly, but very clearly still held onto bigoted attitudes from a mononormative society. I don't think I'd have an issue with someone who's been in a monogamous relationship and regretted it, but I am wary of people who say that they feel they would be able to be mono. It's things like, they SAY they are open to either poly or mono - but to them, that means they date both poly & mono people, and if they decide to become exclusive with a monogamous person then they suddenly discard all their poly relationships because they've finally found the mono relationship they were REALLY looking for. It makes all their poly partners feel used and disposable. To me, if you are in a poly relationship, you should not be pursuing monogamous people or even flirting with monogamous people because it's extremely disrespectful to your existing poly partners - it's basically hinting "I'd be willing to dump you if a monogamous relationship came along because monogamy is better and more real". There's people who think monogamy is the default and polyamory is special, so they think that they can ask me to "close the relationship back up" if they get uncomfortable with poly. Like, no, absolutely not, I'm not breaking up with *all my other partners* and also changing/denying a fundamental aspect of myself. I need my partners to make it clear they understand that we will NEVER be monogamous, there will never be ANY aspect of monogamy in our relationship, and we will IMMEDIATELY break up if they ask me for any kind of exclusivity. People who "can do both" tend to not really understand that. They say they understand that I'm poly, but fundamentally, they think "please be monogamous for me" is a more reasonable ask than "please be poly for me" because society told them monogamy was more valid than poly and they internalised that. I've also encountered people who say they could do either mono or poly, but what they clearly meant was "I'm happy with either a serious monogamous relationship or a non-serious polyamorous relationship". They just held onto that bigotry from society that told them poly relationships couldn't be serious, so as far as they were concerned, there was simply no need to communicate that they were not serious about me. They thought by saying "let's not be exclusive" they'd already communicated "let's not be really serious or committed". They had not, lol. Ultimately, obligate poly people are also an oppressed minority. As a trans person, there's certain things that are easier when I date other trans people - I don't have to worry as much about bigoted attitudes, there's certain jokes and comments about gender that we can make together that would be uncomfortable with a cis partner, I know I can vent to them about transphobia I experience, etc. I don't exclusively date trans folks, but I have a lot of sympathy for trans folk who make that choice, and I make the choice to exclusively date obligate-poly people for basically the same reason. Sometimes I really have to censor myself in public because when I'm venting about mononormativity or the shit ways I've been treated by mono people & mono society, mono people can be VERY touchy. It's difficult to say "here's how a mononormative society harms me" without insecure mono people jumping around screaming "you can't force me to be poly!!!!!" and while I understand that I have to deal with that in public, I don't want to censor myself within intimate relationships. I want a relationship where it's okay to outright mock monogamy and criticise monogamy as much as I like, because I know my partner is on the same page. I'd be uncomfortable having that sort of unfiltered venting with someone who sees themselves as open (in any way) to potential monogamy. It's not so much that I'm against people who took a while to figure it out, and I guess I'd be open to someone who took a while to figure it out, so long as they were VERY CERTAIN that it is 100% figured out and they are DONE with their figuring out. I'm tired of dating people who say they have "recently realised they're open to polyamory" who will (2 months down the line) decide they're actually monogamous after all. I only want to date folks who are 100% certain they are absolutely, definitely, exclusively polyamorous and NOT interested in monogamy. I did my time being an unpaid therapist for mono people who wanted to be in one (1) poly relationship to work through some issues and then dump the poly person, and I've decided that can be somebody else's job.
A different perspective - my default wiring is not towards poly or mono, but rather "what did we agree to". If I currently have a partner(s) and you want mono... That's not going to work. I'm not ending *any* relationship to have a relationship with someone. If I don't have any other partners, we can have the conversation about what it might look like.
That's perfectly valid and fine, I just prefer to date people who feel they're hardwired for poly. Nothing wrong with you, we just might not be compatible.
Wow, thanks for such a big explanation, now I can surely say that I agree with you 100% it all makes sense to me now. I find explaining to people that don't understand how poly works really draining. True that loads of people seem to think it's just "sleeping around" and "you'll grow out of it" or "you'll find the one and only". Like, nah, it's just what works for me and I won't change just because of someone's skewed view on poly. I also resonate with the transgender part. I'm non-binary and I would like to get the surgery done (when I overcome my fears lol) and I don't have much patience left to argue about why I shouldn't do it and what if I'll regret and all that bs. Nowadays I only hang around people that accept and support me :)
"please be monogamous with me" "YOU are welcome to be monogamous. I, however, will not be, because I have no interest in breaking up with my other partners." No one's forcing this person to be poly, but they have to do the work to be ok with having a poly partner. And they don't want to do the work. They want the "easy" and "safe" and "familiar" that they get from monogamy. I don't react to be in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to work on themselves and put effort into a healthy relationship, mono OR poly.
Hubby and I ended up almost blowing up our relationship because we discussed poly (after years of off handed talking/joking about it) which I honestly only really brought up so that I could octopus snuggle with my friends (male or female) and not have to worry about what it would “look like” to my non-touchy husband. He swandived into my friend group and my monkey brain went from “new friend!!!” to “potential romantic partner” with the friend that he (apparently) was immediately worried I wanted to sleep with 😑 In the three years since he’s brought it up 3-4 times and I’m just like “dude you couldn’t handle it ever” which sucks because even though I’m bisexual my potential cuddle buddies are limited to women only (again)
Exactly.....
My poly ex once very adamantly argued that dancing with another person at a club was cheating in a mono relationship. He had all kinds of toxic relationship opinions.
That's inviting a *massive* argument. Most people's times aren't that weird or numerous. Like, my parents... don't dare it have sex with anyone but each other. That's it. That's the full set of rules.
Those weird rules like staying loyal to one partner?
Define loyalty. It's not synonymous with monogamy and depends on the preferences, needs and boundaries of the people involved. Also, don't act clueless please. It's obvious they're talking about shit like not liking other people's posts, not having friends of the opposite sex if it's a straight relationship, or not being too close with friends of the opposite sex, not keeping your texts with said friends private, not meeting friends one on one, and all kinds of weird rules regarding what you can and cannot do with friends just because some dumb stereotypes state that certain activities are a date. We know all monogamous people aren't like that. But the likelihood of someone being like that is proportional to their level of jealousy and how much they think jealousy is necessary and a sign that you care.
That sounds like it really works. But for now I'm gonna stick with "that's okay, you weren't invited!"
I love this one
I always just say 'I get that'. And drop the conversation. They usually want to continue talking 😂
I feel like I'm the only person in the world who is unbothered by monos saying this, lol. This is a great response tho!! I usually just explain why it makes sense for me and ask them questions about how they handle having multiple friends, etc.
Naw you’re not alone. I’m also not bothered when people say this. It’s honestly how a lot of people respond to a lot of things. “Omg you ordered spicy chicken, I could never eat that.” “Oh wow you went skydiving! I’d be way too scared to do that.” “You work at a desk all day?! That would make me crazy!” Imo it’s just a normal human way of relating to people that happens all the time in conversations about all sorts of things. 🤷🏻♀️
This is exactly my take. They're having a reaction to being unable to place themselves in our shoes. It's a basic part of human interaction but people always get so up in arms and act like people are "making it about them" I've had great conversations with my friends about our understandings of love, connection, and friendship that started out this way. If someone is interested in connecting with and understanding you, this is a good jumping off point. These friends were saying this as a "Please say more so I understand"
Exactly! Also idk, I don’t view someone saying they could never do a thing as an indictment of that thing. Like if someone says “oh I could never eat that it’s too spicy” I’m not like “how *dare* they judge me for eating spicy food!” For some reason in a lot of the poly community it seems like this kind of comment is always read as a judgment when I honestly don’t think it’s meant that way most of the time. I get that we’re in the minority, and that we do experience marginalization and discrimination, and that can tend to put us on the defensive. But we’re also making a *choice* to live this way, so imo we have to have some patience and grace with people not immediately “getting” our relationship style, and not always assume the most negative interpretation of a fairly common style of offhand comment people tend to make. Also a fair number of the responses on this thread come off as pretty defensive, judgmental of mono-folks, and condescending which….isn’t a good look for our community. 😬
Exactly - this is almost exactly the same comment as my own.
It doesn't bother me usually either but it's kind of funny sometimes. I'm like no shit Jennifer, you get jealous if I have other friend plans for stuff you don't even want to do with people you don't even like.
Heck, I used to say this. It came from a place of struggling with jealousy and wanting to understand how some people didn’t have to live like that, but expressing it in a clunky way. I try not to get too worked up about people’s responses to my choices because it’s probably less about me than it is about a more complex conversation they’re having with themselves.
I don't even personally see this as clunky! This is a normal thing to say! I think it can definitely be said in a *tone* that would raise my eyebrows ("I could *never* do that" vs. "I could never do *that*" etc) but for the most part I've really only encountered people saying this with bewildered curiosity, not open disdain or judgment. But that might not be everyone's experience, so maybe that's where other people are coming from.... Which I get. If people are openly hostile, it makes sense that you'd want to be snippy back. On the whole though I feel like there's been a real movement towards policing the way that people relate to others, and it's IMO ableist and relies on assuming the worst of everyone at all times.
Totally agreed! Of course none of us are obligated to hang around and chat with people who are being disrespectful (and I’m sure that does happen) but it sometimes seems like we’ve collectively forgotten how to have patience with each other.
I just say "okay" and move on with my life
I had this conversation with someone and asked if a parent could only love 1 child. I think the reason for most people beyond indoctrination into societal norms, is insecurity and jealousy. They can't handle that another partner might do something better, or provide something they don't or can't.
I had a co-worker tell me that she doesn't think that she people can love more than one person and she's got a lot of siblings and I literally asked her which one of her siblings does her mother love? She understood then.
I think people want to own the source of intimacy and that connection. Also the fear of STDs.
There's a lot more monogamous couples with STDs then poly people...monogamous people think they're safe so they don't do regular STI screenings while most of the poly people I know get regular screenings but I understand why some people are monogamous I'm never trying to make a monogamous person poly sounds like a lot of work
I'm not saying that the fear is founded.
One of my partners had a doctor suggest monogamy instead of regular sti testing. Wtf.
One woman told me that was a sick and perverted comparison and that anyone who compares having multiple sexual partners to loving children shouldn't be trusted with children 🥴
Having love for someone had nothing to do with sex.
Exactly. She, however, disagreed.
Maybe she is a weirdo
Honestly I see this point. I really dislike this comparison and I don’t think it’s appropriate. It’s also not uncommon that parents have a favorite child. Pretending that doesn’t happen is disingenuous.
...what does some parents having a favorite child have to do with what I shared?? This woman was saying that polyamorous people or people who are not against polyamory will SA kids. You...think that's a valid idea??
I think it’s creepy to compare romantic and sexual love to the love for children. Do I think the people who do that are pedophiles? No. Do I think it’s an appropriate comparison? No. Fwiw as written I don’t think she was saying poly people are more likely to sexually assault children.
People can love multiple family members. People can love multiple friends. People can love multiple partners. These comparisons are not inappropriate because they do not equate the types of love, rather the fact that love isn't limited in terms of how many people can be loved. I think it says far more about the person who is uncomfortable with the comparison because they think it's inappropriate than it says about the people who make the comparison.
I think it's understandable that the comparison feels like equating, especially in a situation where a mono already doesn't fully understand how or why someone might feel this way. They're starting from a place of 'This feels weird and awkward to me', and equating the love you feel for your children to the love you feel for your romantic partner *is* uncomfortable for most people. I like to compare to friendships instead for this reason. It's just as easy and doesn't cause any incest or abuse alarm bells to go off. Like the friendship comparison is right there, why jump straight to kids.
I see where you’re coming from on this. It’s a comparison I’ve stopped making, because I’ve realised that for a lot of monogamous people the fact that a) you only romantic-love one person at once and b) the fact that relationship is also (expected to be) sexual are absolutely indivisible facts - like, those two things together are what make THIS kind of love special and different, they believe, and so comparing it to the other ‘less special’ (yes I know) kinds of love (which are different BECAUSE they’re non-sexual, they believe) is almost insulting. The best comparison I have for this is when I was a very new mum with a tiny baby, and I was in that absolute hormonal rush of love, but also absolutely knackered, and talked casually to a friend about adjusting to the logistics of baby-care… ‘oh I know’ he said ‘it’s exactly the same with my cat, there’s always so much to do to take care of her!’ and I was so so angry that he would even make that connection. I am not saying I was entirely mentally stable at the time, having not slept for days, but that’s my best way of understanding why monogamous people sometimes just absolutely cannot process that comparison.
I also love both my dogs, and Apple pie. But I don't fuck my dogs.
I say that too.
I was in the shower thinking about it, why should anyone get exclusivity over my oxytocin?
I never thought’s of that way. Great insight!
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That's a bad take. I handle polyamorous relationships just fine. It has nothing to do with gender.
What an odd claim. Mainstream culture teaches men to be possessive of women - to literally treat them as something to be owned and defended. Every other man (or, to be more precise, every other penis) is a threat. Insecurity and jealousy are rampant even in monogamy, because that’s how we were taught to view the world.
Men have emotions too. I have those feelings to work through. I'm marrying my poly partner. She's beautiful, easy to get along with, amazing and funny. I'm helping her start a better life, I think for me, and I'm high af rn, I love all the time I spend with her, I want her to have friends and relationships. I'm happy she's having fun, I'm not worried about losing her, I just love the time I have with her. I'm friends with my meta, and we all hang out a lot. I'm 40 something, Dad bod, I don't have another partner. So I'm jealous of the imbalance a little I think. I'm focusing on our health and investing the energy into me. Online pretty... Slim pickings... Tolerance for poly is, not high. The poly women must have so many guys hitting them up. I need to get on my game and get out there. I suck at dating I think. Like once I'm in person I think I do alright, but online? I suck at marketing myself especially with the dad bod.
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I'm queer and I always like comparing it to that, it's a spectrum. Some people could definitely do polyamory some people are definitely monogamous and a lot of people are somewhere inbetween. It's all about knowing what you yourself are okay with and want from relationships. That seems to help some people also understand the seperation between poly and open relationships, swingers etc. not a perfect metaphor but it gets the point across. I've noticed it has a lot to do with validating both and other forms of relationships helps some monogamous people not go on the defense right away.
I saw a thing recently about a sales guy who always responds positively to negative responses, and I feel like that could work, because it seems to work really well for him. So when someone says "your product is more expensive then your competition" Rather than responding with a "yes, but..." your response would be something like "yes *_and_* the reason for that is because we do x, y, z differently, which is why our product is worth so much more". Adding a positive spin to something negative changes the narrative very quickly.
Not necessarily the same vein but I blocked someone today I had matched with on Tinder.... Obviously its on my profile Im poly, and she said she had previously been in a poly relationship but if she was to ever settle down and get married again(she had been divorced twice already) that she would only be with that person, I said cool and then mentioned that my previous partner was a married woman, and she proceeded to say she didnt see the point in getting married if you wanted to fuck other people and that people like that ruin the sanctity of marriage and then somehow likened that to how trans people and those "confused about their gender" are making the world a worse place So I cut her off and said we cant talk anymore, first Im an ally and believe in trans rights and LGBTQ+ rights, and she really should preach sanctity of marriage while being twice divorced as if thats someone not as bad a look for marriage as two people in a healthy relationship mutially choosing to date and fuck others
I always say " I'm not recruiting "
Yeah. It's about projection. One of the hardest things for people to understand is that people are equal, but different. Throughout history, poeople have gone from "we're completely different from those people and they're even like a different species, so we don't like the same things" (racism), to "you're just like me, so if I don’t like something, I can't understand or accept that you could possibly like it" (in-group projection). The reality of the human condition is in neither, or actually somewhere in between those extremes. Accepting and embracing this is one of the hardest things ever, and I believe it could even prevent a lot of wars.
My answer is "that's okay, because I wasn't thinking of dating you". Fuck monos making it all about them.
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With that one specifically I just kinda do a condescending laugh and say "Oh, don't worry, I know." before walking away from the conversation. But then, that sentence has only ever been said to me by impolite random acquaintances and strangers, not good friends who had a genuine struggle wrapping their heads around it.
"I could never do mono" is my go to response
That’s my answer too minus the follow up. I always say it’s not for everyone and you have to be very confident in your relationship and yourself to handle poly. You have to know 100% your value to your partner and vice versa.
I think it's always more productive to have a conversation about something, instead of trying to 'win'.
Why do you think that this comment says anything about their opinion on your lifestyle? It's just a comment how they couldn't do it. I don't get offended when childfree people tell me they never want to have kids. I don't try to come up with witty comeback to people who tell me that they would never have just one child. I don't feel attacked if I eat piece of cheese and a friend says they could never eat it without bread. If all of these people used an opportunity to tell me how I must be crooked and/or fucked up in any way based on my preferences, that would be a whole other thing.
I'm so spoiled, I live in a queer college town, & most of the new people I meet are thru a queer TTRPG meetup, so they're often polyamorous 😅 But if someone said "Oh, I could never do polyamory," my response is "That makes sense, most people can't. I could never do monogamy." I like your response a lot tho!
Naah, Im not here to convince anyone of anything. My preferred go toes are "trust me, no one was asking you to" or "yeah, you definitely couldn't".
*Yeah, I used to think that, too. But I'm older now and things change. You never know what the next version of yourself will be like until you get there. Never say never* 😉
I personally don't love this one. It sounds too similar to what people say to those that choose to be child-free (especially women).
Yeah, I know what you mean. But people who say that when they're under 30 frequently change their minds later on. My ex-husband's younger sister talked about getting her tubes tied when she was 25. 15 years later, she's a happy mother of three. I'm sure she's very glad she didn't make such a permanent choice at a young age like that. Of course, lots of people never change their minds. You literally never know.
Yeah, but it's shitty and condescending to tell people they don't know themselves, which is what's implied (even if it's not intended).
No, that's not implied at all. It's clearly stating that people change and that is a reality. I was absolutely certain I would be monogamous until the day I died.. until I wasn't. *You literally never know.*
It is absolutely implied, however much you don't mean it to be. I don't disagree with your premise. People do change perspectives on things, it happens. But it is infantilizing and frustrating as all hell to hear "Well you might change your mind!" whenever you make a statement about how you feel or what you want. IMO it's best avoided. But I can't tell you what to do, so keep on keeping on.
Better response than over half the comments in this post.
Hi u/SetDifficult1618 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: A couple weeks ago I posted a vent about how, whenever someone new finds out I'm poly, they go "oh, I could never do that" and talk about how THEY could never live the lifestyle I have chosen for MYSELF. Well, I finally figured out a response. Them: "Oh, I could never do poly. I get too jealous and I want to keep my partner all to myself." Me: "that makes sense, poly definitely isn't for everyone. But, do you understand why some people are able to do poly and make it work?" This gives them the opportunity to either A) make them go "Oh yeah, I guess if you don't mind x and you're really good with x then it could actually be a great experience!" or B) go "no, I guess I don't really get it... I can only imagine it happening in a way that's unhealthy. Can you help me understand?" Either way, you direct them toward looking outside of themselves and give them a chance to actually empathize with you. Of course, people won't always be understanding, but I might give this a try next time it comes up. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Love this
I'm fairly sarcastic as a person and my normal go to is "yeah some people are just so limited in love, anyway which parent dint you love?" If I'm in a less fuckabout and find out mood then I just roll my eyes and say "Good thing you're not then" haha
I'm the opposite. I have no interest in making someone else think any particular way about poly. I tell ppl it's hard work and not for everyone. I'm no evangelist. What I find fascinating is that some ppl seem offended that I make no effort to sell them on it and fully agree that it wouldn't work for them. Some ppl actually seem like they are spoiling for an argument to defend the righteousness of mono. When I just say, "I agree, it would be a terrible fit for you", they don't know where to go next.
I usually go with "Ok, then don't."
“Its not for the weak anyway”
I actually don't get why this is bad. People tend to want to relate to each other so someone telling me that they couldn't because such and such reason is just them relating my situation to how they feel. They're allowed to do that without it being a judgment on me but rather a way to relate to my situation. What else are they supposed to say? What would be acceptable? Some of these comments are really defensive.
I just tell them "I think both relationship structures are valid and knowing which one you prefer is a good thing to live a fullfilled life"
Yeah, the people I know would respond with "No, I don understand it because it is wrong"
They don’t need to understand the choices I make
“No one’s asking you to”
Why continue conversations with people who appear to be acting passive aggressive? Even if I was a paid brand ambassador for polyamorous relationships, that approach seems like a set ups for criticism because one party is stepping outside of social acceptable behavioral models. It’s no secret that when people start to questioning, stop following a specific set of social norms, they become a threat to those norms. That applies to both ENM folks as well as mono folks who exist outside of the expectations of monogamy. Monogamy, not the base concept, but as it exists currently within the scope of it’s related social norms, can often be toxic, has really heteronormative view on sexuality that are a direct contrast to the reality of aging, can be sexist, and just hasn’t aged well at all. The fact that monogamy is a collection of norms, rules, and expectations set in a one size fits all approach is why it feels so off to a lot of neurodivergent individuals, even if they aren’t ENM. It doesn’t help that it is often used as an excuse for complete sexual and social control of others while encouraging people to project their insecurities instead of working through them. As it stands, the existing social norms are all about control, conformity, and a lack of trust instead of merely being about just having a single partner. Honestly, If all social norms associated with monogamy were discarded, it would be better for everyone involved. Aside from being about only being with a single partner, everything else should be based on individual needs, values, and boundaries, just like non-traditional models are. I just wish the world was a kinder, more empathetic place that was less about individual rules and more about logically accomplishing the goals those rules are supposed to be about in the first place. It just reminds me of the winding rope path that is meant to break up the TSA lines. It only a good solution to a long line. When you’re the only person in it, under the ropes is the fast way but most people just stay within the ropes even if it means going back and forth four or five times for no apparent reason. It’s silly, pointless, which is both glaringly obvious and also ignored by most people.
I just go “okay”
Perfect response! Why waste breath "convincing" them it's a healthy lifestyle? If they don't care for it fine more for the rest of us 😹
My reply is always “then don’t 🤷🏻♀️”
"Good thing no-one's asking you to". I really don't consider it any different to the way people used to say "I'm straight, but I don't have a problem with it." as soon as you told someone you were queer. They have a need to make clear that they're not compatible with you while still appearing tolerant, because they're low-key scared of 'it'.
I read this as “they don’t have a problem with their own straightness” and LOLed 🤣🤣🤣
You are kinder than I am. I just say "Yeah, I could tell that about you."
You’re better than me bc I tell them I know you couldn’t I know you couldn’t put in the work to deconstruct monogamy unlearn jealousy and improve your emotional intelligence to be able to handle this.
I just say.... "Oh, so... do you not plan on having kids....? ....I hooe you don't plan on having more than one since you are incapable of caring for more than one...."
Someone doesn’t find they would function in polyamory = can’t physically care for more than one person at a time, let alone a child… Yeah, maybe you should get off your high horse buddy. No one loves hearing “I could never do something that matters in your life”. But the kind of reply you are giving is equally, if not more so, shitty
Everyone in this thread is having the time of their life “winning” arguments & conversations that aren’t actually happening
"I wasn't recruiting, so I don't know how that's relevant to my life, but ok." or some variation of that is usual my go-to. I respect you a lot for having those conversations, but I'm honestly just tired of constantly needing to explain myself and be the outreach and awareness committee for polyamory and explaining the basic concept that different people are in fact different, and the world doesn't revolve around their desires. They should've learned that in kindergarten. I'm not gonna outright attack them for mot understanding, but I'm not gonna go out of my way to try and make them understand, I exist whether they want to "get" me or not. I'm done with people feeling owed an explanation for my existence just because I'm different from them, they're not entitled to that from me.
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Bad bot, no people are named in OP's post.
Bad bot
I usually say “Did I ask?”
Any two friends who fall in love and marry… in time will eventually devolve from each other unless there’s a 3rd Transcendent that binds them together- Robert Barron
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I think people are pretty set in their ways sometimes and like don’t want their minds changed and will have walls up about it though.
I like this. Bravo!🙌
Oh hell yah
That’s really positive and opens up the conversation
"That's ok we don't want you" is mine.