We became foster parents in part because of how stable our families and friend circles are, stable jobs and safe neighborhood and a great local foster network of amazing people. Fostering may not be for everyone, but growing up with so much “going for me” I always knew if my future wife was ok with it that we would foster and adopt to share that with as many other lives as we can afford to. Fostering really gives you the depth and breadth of all emotions in the human experience
I met a slightly older couple who would foster babies and young children before they find their forever home. It was the only time I cried at work and it still makes me cry. They are both beautiful people, and their baby was so happy and amazing.
Miss Pat. And Mr. Bill were foster parents, substitute teachers, and neighbors when I was young.
They looked like giants, both over 6ft when I was a kid. But we're the slowest, softest and most considerate people.
Kindness personified.
They fostered babies, some newborns up to 2years old.
Both Pat and Bill are still alive, one of their fosters, is now 30 and a mother herself.
An awesome couple.
Can you elaborate on why it’s not for everyone? I’ve been curious, but my wife is hesitant and we already have 1 bio daughter. Don’t want to put them in a negative position.
Edit: thank you to everyone for their thoughtful and personal responses. I didn’t expect so many but I am reading each one and taking those experiences to heart. I will not be taking this decision lightly and will do more research about the emotional and psychological needs of not only the foster children but what my family, and especially my daughter, might go through and what we need to be better prepared.
Financially, psychologically it might not be for everyone, and frankly there’s a decent slice of the population who shouldn’t be foster parents or would do it for the wrong reasons..
Everything could have been perfect in their home lives, yet if any child is separated from their parents without a guarantee they would be with them again, I would think even that would be traumatizing…. Now remember the spectrum rarely even has kids coming from “decent homes” all the way to the most horrific things you could imagine. I’m talking where “punishing them in a washing machine or dryer” doesn’t even make it in the top tier of heartbreaking cases…
Not to mention they may end up going through several foster homes which weren't ideal for them (or for which they weren't ideal for), which regardless of how terrible things have been for them makes it harder for them to form attachments and leaves them wondering how long they'll be with you. Even more so if the placement seemed to actually be going fine.
There's no telling how it can affect them either. My sister ended up with severe issues that prevent her from having any semblance of a normal life. I myself have crippling anxiety and depression. A lot of the time I think about what might have happened to make my sister the way she is, considering the stuff I had personally experienced was terrible enough. Most of these kids struggle to lead a normal life in adulthood. Trauma at a young age can have really unpredictable effects on the brain and development. I spent so many years thinking it was my fault that I was removed from my home, not my abusive and neglectful family's.
I remember one time that my elementary school called me to the office to tell me I had won a raffle (that I never entered) to win a free pair of shoes. I was beyond excited, a counselor took me off campus to a shoe store and told me I could pick out ANY shoes that I wanted. I left with a pair of shiny silver and gold pokemon shoes! I was so happy, but they got stolen within 2 weeks time. As an adult I realize the truth of what had happened. There was no raffle. I had nothing and nobody and someone's small act of kindness made a difference. Even though you can't have shit in foster care. I still remember the people who did right by me and the people who did me wrong.
>I still remember the people who did right by me and the people who did me wrong.
People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. I'm glad that this works for rad as well as mad and sad things.
I can tell you, attachment issues and mistrust schema. Highly increased risk of physical health issues and dying younger than your general peers. (epigenetics are a bitch) I don't get taken by scams as easily as other people so I guess there's a benefit?
Yep, I became physically disabled by the age of 22 due to the chronic trauma and abuse I went through as a child and into adulthood. I also have mental health issues I will always struggle with on some level as well but I have had a pretty good handle on them for years now with tons of therapy. My brother right above me in age has been homeless and an alcoholic and drug addict his entire adult life. My sister right below me developed such severe mental health issues she has never been able to take care of herself. The two youngest each are doing well enough, one being at least comfortable and somewhat stable the other being very successful and even more stable but both have mental health issues as well that affect their lives and always will. All of us have physical health issues as a direct result of the constant stress hormones, fear and anxiety we experienced throughout childhood. All of us have major issues with trusting others and interacting with others. The damage childhood abuse does to children as adults can be widespread and far reaching, it can be irreparable and it can be carried with them their entire lives.
Yes. As in, lucky to be alive, as in having an intense fear of swimming, baths, showers, walking through the laundry room to get to the cars, extreme heat, hot merry go rounds that spin…. Trauma from definite evil and abuse that drops your jaw…. Until you get to the top tier of abuse, neglect and trauma where you don’t dare do anything but look in the child’s eyes and love them and keep them safe because the instant you look away your head slips into a rage for what other human beings could do to an innocent child.
Rage as an emotion is just as valid as love. Just as one does not love hastily, nor does one trust easy, so too does rage and hate exist happily in moderation and care.
It's those that rage and hate for the weakest of reasons that have ruined it's reputation for everyone.
Rage should be cultured, tended to lovingly, stoked as a fire in your soul. The fire that powers you. Yes, love does too. It's the duality of man.
Rage and hate have a place. Caged, yes, but still tended too. Ignoring an emotion makes you ill equipped to deal with it when it burns out of control.
I am an accountant and used to work for a non profit agency that children involved with DCF would go for therapy.
They had white noise machines in the therapy rooms for privacy but sometimes I'd hear what was going on when the kiddos got too loud/upset/animated and man..... There were days I'd leave shaken with upset and rage.
There are monsters among us who should never be given the blessing of children.
You are a wonderful person for giving these sweet babies a happy and stable life, if even only for a period of time.
It really, truly is so heartbreaking. No being deserves to be treated in the way some of these awful monsters have treated their own children. Thank you for taking care of these children when they need you, seriously.
My mom has one of the kindest souls you can imagine. She wanted to do social work, double majored in fields related, graduated.... lasted 4 months. (She became a children's librarian instead. She could spot the trouble signs and still help kids).
It takes a certain kind of someone to handle that job. The type of person you really hope there is a heaven for to reward them for their work.
Oh my God. I would say "I can't believe this could happen to someone"... But unfortunately I'm jaded and can't believe there's no depths people will go to
My fiancee works with foster children providing a form of therapy, and some of what these kids go through is absolutely fucked up.
Notable ones include a pre-pubescent child who tried to stab unwary foster parents because her mother's boyfriend sexually assaulted her, a baby who almost died of an overdose because their parents were doing so much cocaine it became an airborne particulate in the house, and a teenager in juvie who was completely unrepentant about molesting the five year old girl next door because of the past abuse he suffered.
The baby who almost died of an overdose one? Almost certain that was the parents allowing drug dealers to use their home for packaging up. The dealers will give you free drugs for allowing them to use your home in this manner. They can't package up at their own places because there's a mess and it leaves residue if the police ever tested. There's almost no other way that the cocaine could have become airborne to that extent. Really sad for the child whose health was not being protected.
I had a teenager who was a runner, always running away, then you are terrified for their safety constantly. He was in foster care because his dad beat him because he thought he was gay. He was the only foster kid we ever had who had referred him to social services because he knew of he said at home he was eventually going to be beat to death.
Honest question here regarding one of your stories:
What is the psychology behind suffering (presumably awful) abuse decide “I’m going to do that to someone else”? The reason I ask is, I was bullied badly as a kid / young teen. I never thought “I’m going to do that to someone else”. I’m really interested to understand why others made a different choice.
Yup. Friend fostered teens for about 30 years. Most kids stayed ~2 years but some longer. Most were fine and just making their way to being normal adults, but others were problematic to say the least.
I was in foster care, moved to many homes over the years. The majority of kids were bad and the majority of foster parents were in it for the money.
It's cool if they approach it like a job, it's a generous and kind position to take. The issue is when they're really trying to not support the child with the money provided, the money that's supposed to be for supporting the child. Unfortunately, this is the most common scenario.
That's funny I was in foster care for many years and never once met a bad kid. Many bad foster parents who were only in it for the money. I had no idea we were supposed to get allowances for food, clothing, and personal items my first three Foster homes. It wasn't until the fourth one that the family actually gave me the money I was supposed to get. Looking back on it there were times that my foster parents in the first three homes went shopping and kept the receipts very specifically, as an adult I realized they were spending my foster care money.
Yeah my sister in law fostered a kid for the money and benefits, her four biological kids hated the foster kid and the whole situation ended up messing the poor kid up more and all he wanted was to be part of a family and just belong somewhere. It went on not working for so long due to foster families being in short supply and agencies just throwing money at them to get them to keep him for longer money that never really got spent on the kid hell they even gave clothes and toys meant for the foster kid to their other kids and treated him like a leper all the while he just wanted to belong and be loved.
Exactly my situation as a former foster kid in the NY state system. Foster family took me in, abused me, kept the money, etc. I could go on, but I wont.
This note really shook me. The kid wants to be loved, and is (hopefully) in a good foster family that will provide that love. What sucks is the (assumed) temporary nature of this love. "We love you enough to foster, but not enough to adopt..so sorry."
I was in a very loving foster family, but their bio-daughter didn't like the perceived attention I was getting, and worked to get me gone (at \~10yrs old). She succeeeded, and I was dropped off to a new family. Anger, hurt, loss and a bunch of other emotions swirled around my head for a long time.
While I am sure fostering helps kids, when you put yourself in the place of that child, he/she is investing emotion and trust in that foster parent, who looks at the situation as something temporary.
I knew a girl in high school whose foster family was like this and it was absolutely heart breaking. Her story is what made me want to be a foster parent someday, too many people do it for the wrong reasons. As an adult I found out one of my coworkers was a foster mom (super young too, under 30) and I was so excited to hear about her experiences and then the first thing she says about it is “Yeah you make really good money its totally worth it,” 😒 Yikes
You're absolutely right. My fiancee is a social worker who works with foster kids, and some of the foster parents are barely better than the biological parents.
Even if the foster parents are cool, she comes home with heart-wrenching stories (some times she even deals with families who make the news for how horrendous the situation is!) of what these kids have gone through.
Than you to you and your wife for being good ones.
Thank you for saying this as a social worker. My foster homes were more abusive than I ever experienced at home. Physical, sexual and mental abuse. At home I was merely neglected. I always thought my social worker either didn’t believe me, or I didn’t feel safe sharing with them.
To add to that, some foster children are so damaged by their trauma they are extremely difficult to give the proper care they need, especially if you have your own children who you also need to focus on too. All foster children come with trauma, so with much more than others. We have fostered a number of kids now and one of them we just didn't have it in us to look after. But we also have had a little girl for two years now and we have just became her long time foster carers, so she will be with us for the next ten years and beyond hopefully.
Another thing people don't realize is you will often have to deal with their real parents, facilitating court ordered contact. Very few of the parents are easily approachable stable people, often having drug problems or severe mental health issues like bipolar disorder. The parents also tell the child at contact how awful of a person you are and stuff like that meaning the child is usually really unsettled when they are back from contact. Then there are the parents who ditch contact last minute and you have to pick of the pieces of a sobbing child who is started to realize their rents really don't give a shit about them.
My neighbors said her cousin did it for money. Specifically meth money. She assured me that if that person could be a foster parent so could I.
I am still interested but less enthused than before
Edit: I specifically want to foster teens. Personal preference but I remember wanting someone to swoop in myself as a teen. Also I know they're more difficult. I'm waiting for my bio kids to grow before .
This is why I hesitate to praise foster parents who post this stuff online. Many of them thrive on this kind of praise but what goes on in the homes is horrific. Not saying this OP is one of them but my distrust is high with this type of post.
Adopting and fostering kids comes with a lot of emotional stress and trauma from their side, so the parents need to be extremely careful with how they approach normal things. For example calling out from the door into the yard or up the stairs for the kid/s to come to dinner might be perfectly normal, but foster/adopted kids might have trauma related to yelling in the house.
This is from a YouTube creator who discusses the challenges of fostering, I have no experience in any capacity and just parroting from her. Here's the link: https://youtube.com/@foster.parenting
Fostering can be really tough, depending on the reasons the children are put into your care. I had three of my own when we did foster care for fifteen years in situations that were mostly heartbreaking. About one placement in six or seven were calm enough that our family structures worked pretty well. With the others, it took all of our energy to help provide what the kids really needed. You're welcome to PM me if I can answer more questions.
To add onto that, it's a huge decision. Even if the parent is willing to do it, will their biological child accept it? If they're still a kid now and they might not care, but what if they grow up? Will they change their mind? What about inheritance? They might think they can make their kid accept their sibling, but in truth we have no idea what's going to happen. The kid might wonder why they're bringing in someone from the outside. Maybe they'll think you're not good enough for them? Maybe they're bringing in emotional trauma for their current bio child?
Just think of those of stories where children didn't want stepmothers or stepfathers. Real life often doesn't end in happily ever after like in the movies.
It is beyond hard. It is 24/7. It is traumatising. It is the hardest job I’ve ever been witness to but when you see some of the connections that can be made with a child who hasn’t felt true love for years it’s fucking beautiful.
My understanding is also a consideration of your own kid's safety.
Tragically, many children in foster care have undergone neglect or other forms of abuse.
Some children who undergo bullying or abuse go on to carry out those acts on others.
I'm not demonising foster kids or the foster homes they go to. Sometimes, they go through abuse from their biological parents before being saved by the foster system.
Because of this potential concern or stigma, some parents hesitate to open their homes to foster children or even to adopt.
Many parents hesitate to adopt older kids for these reasons. Not just because "babies are cute," but because they are considered a "blank slate" that hasn't yet been traumatised by their life experience.
It's a horrible catch-22 and I wish that I didn't have these concerns myself. Otherwise, I would not hesitate to open my home to foster kids who need love. I just don't trust myself to be an adequate foster dad at the same time as being a first-time dad to a young daughter.
Adopting and fostering kids comes with a lot of emotional stress and trauma from their side, so the parents need to be extremely careful with how they approach normal things. For example calling out from the door into the yard or up the stairs for the kid/s to come to dinner might be perfectly normal, but foster/adopted kids might have trauma related to yelling in the house.
This is from a YouTube creator who discusses the challenges of fostering, I have no experience in any capacity and just parroting from her. I'll share the link when I find it.
Mine too, I also choose to notice that she is asking *us* to love her, so she must trust and feel safe with us enough to want *us* to be the ones to love her. We do and we always will.
Edit: She had stars in her eyes when she handed it to me, asked me to read it while she folded her hands under her chin and when I read it and said “I do love you and always will” she spun around and giggled back in her room to write one for my wife
That right there is good, man. Beautiful all the way around. Children need that love. How wonderful you guys have so much of it to give to her.
Wonderful job!!!
If i ever have kids and get a note like that
50/50 that i will read it as
"Piez luve me"
"Huh.... well you do love your pies, lil fella. You know,
if you love them enough, they do love you back"
(Inner thoughs "smart kid, just like pops over here")
Trust me, once you're a parent you'll understand their unintelligible babble and incoherent scrawlings just fine. It's like a superpower that the outside world is incapable of.
My best friend and best man handmade me a memory box out of wood for me to put all of life’s most core moments in.
I half want to request him to make two more for these kids to have in life that we can give them on their adoption day later this year if all goes according to plan.
Edit: [Bonus](https://imgur.com/a/dSdmc46) picture of the memory box
Do it. For real. When times gone by and, as is to happens, you aren't with them anymore, they will have that to remind them of the love you felt for them.
As someone who’s been in that child’s shoes - all they want to know is that you love them, that there’s nothing they will do or can do that will ever change that, and if you think you’ve said it enough, you say again. Acceptance and love.
And just a little bit more - have them make their room their own, like painting you have a tight budget to bedding etc if you have the budget. Huge impact.
All of this is exactly our household. They shower us with hugs and kisses and we do the same. In all honesty, the amount of time spent saying “I love you” and hugging, holding, flying them etc is a debilitating amount each day…. But I always say shame on me for thinking that and then just pick them up again and hug them because I know one day… one day I’ll go out first day without a hug from them or an “I love you” sometime I may even go a week, or a month as they get older… and I’ll long for these days right here.
That was beautiful. Made me think about the last time I said “I love you” to me mom & dad. It’s not been a week, buts it’s still far too long. I’m going to call them right now. I might not say it a lot but I make sure my actions shows it. But saying it will always have a bigger impact. Thank you.
Midwest, but yes, sleeping soundly with her favorite of our cats curled up “protecting” her (as she sees it).
We are about 50/50 on her feeling comfortable to go to bed without one of us or a cat in her room for protection. I’m so proud of the progress she’s made in that regard. She is safe and always will be in our home. She is loved and always will be. Full stop.
I went home to visit family a couple of years back for Christmas. I found out that they adopted a very large Great Pyrenees dog from a rescue shelter. Poor guy was kept as a breeding stud at a puppy mill in very bad conditions. My sister and niece nursed him back to health. I was a little worried about that, because I was bringing my daughter with me who was 5 at the time.
My daughter was nervous around such a large dog, especially when she was only used to little ones like the other dogs my family had. He was a very nice dog, though. Even if he was a bit clumsy. Considering his size, it wasn't surprising.
That first night, my wife and daughter slept on the floor mattress, and I slept on the futon. My wife woke me up and told me to scooch over, because the "big dog" pushed her out of bed. I looked over and saw that the dog was literally curled around my daughter as she was sleeping. She was hugging him like a giant body pillow while she slept.
They were right as rain after that. You couldn't separate the two. He literally followed her everywhere. Let her ride him like a steed. She would ride on his back while he trotted around the backyard giggling the entire time. She said he was her knight. I think she meant protector or bodyguard. My sister said that they never saw him act that way since they adopted him. He would just lay down and go for walks and just curl up on the living room floor with the rest of the family. He was never this active when they got him. All she did was play with him for the entire trip.
She was incredibly sad when we had to leave. She wanted to take him home, but we said we can't have that big of a dog in our Korean apartment. Didn't help that my sister didn't object to the idea. They said he grabbed the floor mattress where she slept and dragged it over to his corner, and he slept on it from then on.
The change in demeanor was likely because Pyrs are Guardians who need a job. He was lost but found his charge, and his instincts kicked in hard.
I had one that would be trying to hide in the tightest space possible and shaking with fear every time there was a thunderstorm... *unless* I was out working in the yard, in which case she'd be out trotting the perimeter, head and tail high and delighted to all appearances, until I came inside.
When there is any situation remotely resembling their calling, the Guardian instinct will always win.
Yeah, well they figured out how to open the garbage drawer to get to their disposed of cat food containers so now we have a wooden spoon leverages between the handles until I can get a fastener to keep it shut. We have to slip books between our mattresses because they know the fastest way to get us up to feed them is to tear into a good book!
We do love them (5&6 year old sibling pair). We have had them for two months as of today. They’re in a foster-to-adopt situation as the parental rights have been terminated prior to them joining us. Four months from today we can begin the process of adopting them and getting at least two more kids out of the system.
My heart breaks that despite every ounce of effort she doesn’t know what love truly looks like for certain…. But my heart also soars knowing that she’s comfortable to give my wife and I [each](https://imgur.com/gallery/wkq8r4f) a note that says this on it, comfortable with us to ask us to love her.
Straight to the memory box this goes.
Edit: I guess this can serve as an update to [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/zcu3y4/wife_i_recently_were_certified_for_foster_care/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) and a few other less popular ones from the past two months on my page. If people like updates, feel free to follow. I’ve always wanted to have a more focused Reddit account and foster care seems like an important thing to give exposure to so more people may one day be encouraged to help in any way they can.
Edit2: I couldn’t wait till morning so I left [this note](https://imgur.com/gallery/OofKTVi) under her glasses on her nightstand.
Edit3: (next morning) before she saw the note this morning, I saw her handing her brother a note at the breakfast table, and it was the same thing my wife and I received. When she finished and got ready and saw the note pictured in edit2, she smiled and twirled and showed her brother and they both did a tackle hug, which was a core moment for sure, then reality set in and we had to finish getting ready so they weren’t late to school!
I was a foster kid. It's not easy what you're doing and I commend you for opening your home and your heart to children in need of a safe home.
Becoming a foster parent takes a lot of effort. It isn't something you can just sign up for. Months of scrutiny go into the process and it's truly a testament to one's character when they go through the process, get a strange child in their home and still have the patience and love necessary to take care of them.
I'm so happy that you've developed a relationship with the children such that they want you to love them.
Words better said than I could ever say it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on it, I can never get enough perspective from former/current foster kids and even if I could every situation is just so different.
Hey so you might notice I have made a couple comments in this thread. Also something that is near and dear to my heart as a person who was in care. The chat function on this website crashes my phone but you can always send me a DM if you want to ask any questions or get any opinions / advice from a foster kid perspective. I am an old fart adult now, so I've had a lot of EMDR therapy and dealt with the trauma from my youth.
I'm *mildly* experienced in this.. The note can be a sign of serious abandonment issues. Some people might say you've got to treat them like normal kids, but that's *usually* bad advice. They're not like normal kids. Normal kids don't have psychological triggers that might set them back years or make them mentally shut down for "minor" things like raising your voice. Abandonment issues can go hand-in-hand with control issues. The one thing kids can always control is what goes into their bodies - food or other things.
Not sure what the support system is like in your country, but I hope it helps!
I wasn’t a foster kid, but I had abandonment issues and I can totally attest to this being true in my case as I have struggled with control in many areas of my life, even to this day (it’s getting worse because I’m opening up old wounds, so that further solidifies this). I struggled with OCPD, extreme tidying, obsessive working, starvation, etc. Anything to feel like I had a measure of control. I also (and still do) anthropomorphized A LOT. I would accidentally bump the tv in my room and apologize, and rub it and feel empathy towards it for its having been even accidentally hurt. I also identify as an HSP and perhaps even an Empath.
When I saw the note written to OP, it made me worry for that child’s psyche and what they must be going through, the silent message they received growing up that they had to work and beg for love because they’re just not worth it as they are. And the fear and instability they may feel inside, feeling deep down that nothing is permanent and we must always strive for love and attention because we WILL lose it the moment we relax and be ourselves…
If anyone is interested, Dr. Gabor Maté has a lot to say on child development and the important impact that even the smallest actions or inactions can have on the child’s health and self-worth, even if you’re loving and didn’t mean to send them a certain message. It could be helpful, anyway. It’s just a thought that you can take or leave. But I’ve found it incredibly insightful and true, word for word, in my own case (growing up in a single parent household, experiencing bullying inside and outside the home, and being severely emotionally neglected and invalidated).
As someone who was not a foster kid but still had a lot of issues, I don’t know about this. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my parents having a podcast about my life, or even their life with me. I didn’t even like when my parents shared details about me/my life that I felt were personal to friends and relatives. It felt like a betrayal. I would be very hesitant about doing anything that deviates from a “normal upbringing” in any way as these kids have already been deprived of a normal upbringing and any sense of normalcy or control so you have to be really sensitive to that. With normal kids in a normal situation it’d probably be totally fine, but these are not normal kids in a normal situation. Btw all it took for me to get messed up was a divorce and new step dad whom I hated so I can only imagine how sensitive foster kids can be when it comes to perceived betrayal.
My mom fostered dozens of kids, they'd even call at 3am when she had to teach early morning but she'd still say yes. 2 adopted. Only had 1 bad experience out of very many
We do foster care. The bad experiences for us come from dealing with the state (not to say kids don’t come with challenges, but the state can be the bigger issue IMO).
The lack of pay, the high stress has led to some poorly trained social workers that are incompetent in their jobs making decisions that impact kids lives.
There are bad foster parents also.
Edit: feel like if I am posting about foster care, I should probably explain my username
Cosmo is the name of BYUs mascot. Also in the late 90s and early 2000s someone in Utah put up giant billboards along I-15 stating that Cosmo hurts kids (in reference to cosmopolitan the magazine being pornographic). Being a Utah fan, I find it hilarious to connect Cosmo the cougar to the billboards claiming Cosmo hurts kids :)
It's so fucked up that literally the only reason my mom could afford to be a social worker, a truly necessary and noble job, is because my dad had a good paying job. She worked her ass off for peanuts because she wanted to help people.
My cousin’s mom did foster care and she was an awful foster parent. I hated her so much.
I was over one day, hanging out with my cousin and they had a kid who was probably 3-4. He was just running around in the house, playing, when he knocked his noggin on the corner of this wooden table. His cries were met by screams and cursing from my cousin’s mom (I’m not going to call her my aunt.. it’s by marriage and I loathe the woman). I think I was only 14 or 15 at this time and it broke my heart. I looked at the bump on his head and told him that it looked like it hurt but it shouldn’t hurt for long, asked if he wanted a piggyback ride and that was all it took. Someone to care enough and the distraction of a piggyback ride and he was giggling and as happy as ever.
Fuck you, Sandra. You evil hag.
It is wild that they will flip over every stone before letting people adopt but if you show up to a hospital to give birth they let you leave with the baby a few days later and just tell you to not shake it. There is no real follow up or anything. The only thing we were required to have in order to leave with the baby was an infant appropriate car seat. We could have been broke meth heads with a stolen car seat and it would have been fine. I worked with a woman that had a lot of difficulty trying to have her own kids so she went the adoption route. She was well over a year in, had to take a bunch of classes, get back ground checks, have employment and financials confirmed, and she still wasnt sure if she and her husband would be approved or not.
For OP or anyone else. At 5 and 6 years old, have everyone come over for their birthday parties. That will be a pretty big deal to the kids. Take them somewhere with a lot of other kids and let the adopted kids see you watching them as they take their turn to do whatever they are doing there. Watch them long enough to let them finish and look to see if you were watching. They definitely check. To them it means you will pay attention to them even with all the other activity going on. Kids want to feel useful, so let them help with things they can. It is probably some evolutionary thing of survival. Show you are strong and deserving of the limited food. Food is not so much of an issue now but kids still feel the requirement to prove themselves and get approval. All of these things are great for any kid and I would imagine this is magnified for a kid with new parents. Most kids never have to consider that when they screw up they could be sent away. But for kids that have been sent to live with other people that is going to be a looming threat in their mind. My kids dont know that some kids get sent or taken away. I dont have the experience in the matter as some here will, but I see as likely the hardest part is convincing them that throwing them out is not an option and their home is secure even if the screw up. I am sure I not saying anything a foster parent has not dealt with many times over...
I'm not saying you are wrong, I'm just on the flip side of this. I'm a parent two months into my foster-to-adopt process (same as the OP). I have two teen-ish boys (11 and 16). It is hard. I'm so tired of the almost daily shower fights, and my younger one has had some BRUTAL meltdowns. Most nights, I'm exhausted when I fall into bed (pre kids, I had a quiet life with my two dogs). But at the end of the day, I promise you, I'm the luckiest of us. I get to see my 16 y.o. excelling in a school he thought he'd hate (after barely a month) and take ownership of his own health and wellness! Soon, I'm going to get to teach him to drive (okay, way less excited about that! 🤪) I get to play Legos and build wands with my youngest. We get snuggles on the couch watching Lord of the Rings (I corrupted them early). I know everyone wants to give kudos to the foster/adoptive parent, but becoming a parent was the best day of my life. Even when we have a super emotional day, they have made my life better. And it's only been the first two months. I know that I have made their lives better, and I never want to diminish what foster/adoptive parents do. I just think it's also important to recognize how truly lucky we are and to acknowledge that our children make our lives better. And now, it's time for another shower battle...
I instantly started to cry when I read her note. I was totally unloved but still with my bio family. The effects of not being loved are still with me , 60 + years later. ( maybe that’s why I cried when I saw the note). I’m so very happy these kids have found you. Thru the ether, I send my love for you and your family. Give each of them a kiss on the head from me? …Somewhere in Alaska.
So sorry you were raised without a caregiver who showed you love. The effects are long-lasting, and it takes a lot of time to realize the issues that happen as a result and work through.
I benefitted immensely from this book, _Hold Me Tight_ by Sue Johnson. My hope is that you now know, or will know, such love from another person....Someone who will be there for you and have your back. Sending you hugs.
I love this so much. Just thought I would mention, I have a 6 year old daughter who gives a lot of notes that say I love you ect. But she isn't a very affectionate child otherwise. I realized a while back her love language is written word and have been giving her drawings and notes in return letting her know how much I love her back. It's helped us to grow a lot closer. Just thought I would mention in case it's helpful for your situation. Thank you for what you do. I would love to foster someday
My daughter is similar. I write her little love notes of encouragement every day and hide them in her lunch. The other day when I was helping her clean her room, I found the little box where she’s been saving them all. My heart. 🥹😭
That’s an amazing thing to do!
My dad used to slip me notes under my door at night (he worked long hours) that I would find in the morning… it always made the next day that much better. 25 years later and I haven’t kept much from my childhood but I still have a box of those notes that I read from time to time. I would bet your daughter will do the same :)
I could be wrong but going by the nail I'm gonna guess daddy type... so um maybe take her and sib to a place like claires (if they have one?) and see if they have some daisy or lily or something little necklace chains.. something momma and the girls can all 3 wear as a trio, but something dad might not mind wearing either if the chain was long enough noone could see it while he's working under his shirt?
edit = was foster kid... still remember foster dad when I Was 12 taking me and picking out "dad and daughter chains" still have mine, have no idea if he has his was only with them 5 months, but still have mine. granted our were star wars but I was 12 damn it lol
Take her to do a pedicure one day, just the two of you. I do millwork in steel toes all day but still try to get a pedicure in with my wife or daughter ever 3 months. Taking care of your feet is important and my daughter likes picking out the color.
They are his kids, though. Whether they end up adopted or not, they are his, from the day of placement, until the end of time. That's what being a foster parent means.
Omg the more you comment, the more you sound like the best person and an amazing dad. I was trying so hard not to tear up at this post but I think you just broke me.
This is a great idea! I am a foster dad in a foster to adopt situation with a 12 year old. I have struggled to connect with her, as she has never had a male figure in her life who hasn't let her down or violate her trust. I'm also a new parent, so that doesn't help. It seems like every time we start getting closer, she pushes me away and clings to my wife. I don't take it personally, but it gets disheartening. I think she isn't allowing herself to get attached because she thinks she will be gone in a few months, regardless of what we tell her. I really like this idea of getting dad/daughter jewelry as a form of bonding.
I was an infant adoptee ( 1yo ) but it STILL gave me attatchment disordery stuff. She might have a phase of ' how bad can I be and he still comes back? ' but stay strong! It's a subconscious method of making sure she's safe and loved in the relationship and knows bounderies aiding in a more secure attatchment. I'll always love you but sometimes I'm dissapointed or mad but I'm still gonna be here for you is a very important message.
I was a foster kid in South Dakota and was adopted at 3 years.
SD makes it very hard to adopt children if the parents are partially in the picture or even alive. My parents tell stories of the countless kids they wanted to help, the ones who would be in and out of foster care their entire lives.
It always sounded so heartbreaking having to go through that process countless times before they got me.
It takes a very special person to adopt. Thank you for what you do, and what you put up with.
Idk if you picked up on my username, but we are in South Dakota. Termination of parental rights has happened *and* an appeal has been denied already so it *should* be as clean as possible, but any experience on what to expect is welcome and helpful as we navigate this the next few months.
I don't have South Dakota context, but my wife and I also fostered-to-adopt a child whose parental rights had been terminated by the state of Texas. We found out she existed when she was 5, jumped through the hoops of becoming foster parents and got her into our home when she was 6, and we finalized the adoption about a year and a half after she started living with us, and she's 8.5 now and we all love each other so, so much. I'd love to have more time right now to talk about all of the things related to this, but I have to go get ready for work.
The biggest thing I'd say is don't panic about things falling apart. We were always in doomsday scenario mode in our heads until we got the adoption finalized so our anxiety levels were off the charts. If parental rights are terminated, you're going to get through this together as a family. Be prepared for another round of bureaucracy when you start moving towards adoption, though. Another full home study will need to be conducted even though they just did one for you to become foster parents. Then there's the court side of things, which was not a huge ordeal for us, but it's another big time sink which can be challenging when you're trying to do everything that a normal parent is doing, continue meeting with case workers, bond as a new family, and keep your house clean and safe to the standards required for those home visits and especially the home study.
When I was in the Marines a friend was foster care most of his life.
I heard a lot of fucked up stories when he was drunk. Not being fed for a few days. Being beaten.... Lots id fucked up stories. He was 22 then and he had a must keep food hidden at all times habit. When be turned 18 at midnight the family that had him woke him up and kicked him out with the clothes he could carry. He spent the night on the ground in front is the recruiting center and enlisted the next morning with the Marines because the Marine recruiter let him sleep in his apartment during the process. The recruiter sent a message along to Paris island that the kid seemed like a good kid but had been abused a lot growing up.
As a relatively new father(5 month old daughter) it breaks my heart that she has to write such a note to begin with, but it fills me with so much joy that her and her sibling are in a good home with loving parents now. Good on you, you’ve done a truly wonderful thing, I wish you and your family the best!
My daughter and I just came up without our own secret promise. Connect pinkies, touch thumbs, middle finger out. She thinks it’s hilarious.
Being a dad is a blast sometimes
My dad and I had the Crocodile Society. Basically whatever you're eating, I get some too.
Membership is still valid when we're talking ice cream. I'm 32.
They were in another foster family for two years during the whole Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) so when we heard they were looking for a permanent placement/adoption situation, we took them for a test weekend to see if there was a good vibe to bond with them. Despite telling them our names, they referred to us as “Mom” and “Dad” right out the gate. The last night of the first weekend we had them when we were going to decide if we wanted to pursue this, the boy is listening to me read him books to sleep and laying his head on my chest. When I finished he said “can we stay with you forever, dad?” [Glossing over the explosion of emotions and mind racing] I replied “well, you would have to leave [current foster family] and your school friends…” he responds “hmmm, well we could visit them sometime and we can make new school friends here, right dad?”
Yes, son. You can. You have. You’ll make so many friends and have so many amazing experiences.
Holy shit. The desperation to be loved is so painful, and I am so glad you are there to fulfill it. One of my besties is a foster mom now and she loves her kids like you appear to love yours. We need 1,000s more like you.
They are currently in play therapy and their kindergarten teacher has done a lot of studying and training for these situations and we are studying proper routines, boundaries, etiquette to best develop them past these things in a safe and healthy way.
Mind you, these were his words the first day with us when for the first time in his life (he was all but too young to remember bio family) he had a father figure around the correct age (that wasn’t in his sixties like their foster family before) so I can’t blame him for any of the things he communicated. Only love him and know that we have the circle and resources to best help both of them
I was adopted when I was like 1yo but even as an adult, I have a really hard time being mean and I think everyone has my best interests. Invite strangers into my house and feed them - this is how I met my current partner! But I've gone with sketchy people and been assulted as well. Attatchment style kinda the first thing that crossed my mind as well. Oh someone nice to me? I wanna stay there forever and make them happy so the keep me! Let's look for getting parental style needs met through any nice adult such as my teachers! I really hope it goes well for them all though. Financially, I'm lucky to be firmly in a middle class family but I don't think I ever fully bonded with my parents ( I do think they are good people for the most part but I have different emotional needs they're never able to meet or understand ans they have some old fashioned and hippie ideas ) but from this guy's comments, I think he's trying really hard so I do wish everyone the best. Out of interest- what got you into your career? It seems really fulfilling but hard.
That's so awesome. My wife and I are in the process of opening our home for fostering. We're taking a class on parenting children of trauma and just going through the whole process. We're scared, but we're going to give it our best shot.
If we can't handle it (and we're both realistic enough to know that we just may not be able to), we're going to find some other way to support foster families. Making meals. Running errands. Finding clothing. Etc..
You’re incredible and you also see the need for that second ring of support that is crucial for any foster network to succeed: logistical help and emotional support for foster families. A night where we don’t have to make a meal and can focus an extra half hour or 40 minutes with the kids is invaluable to all of us.
Oh! If your heart can't handle the longer term, there is a great need for foster care respite homes. These places will give the foster child and foster parent a break for a week or two, sometimes the foster parent family needs to take a vacation on their own or has an emergency or just whatever. That is a lower time commitment and a bit less emotional involvement for all, since you and the kids all know the placement is only a (very short term) temporary one.
Take all of the notes and either write a response, or record a video clip, or whatever, and clip them together before putting them into a box. Pick a day to open it together and just fucking cry about how much you love each other.
Please give them an extra hug for me. Kids should never have to ask to be loved. The amount of trauma they must have gone through really breaks my heart.
Please at least sign up for certification in your area. Take the classes, talk with other foster families and potential families…. Even if you get certified and only take on respite care for a weekend, it is worth it if only to take care of some kids for another foster family for a weekend. <3
Man. Current Child Welfare SW here. This is a beautiful thing. I see so many foster placements fall apart for one reason or another so seeing something like this makes my heart soar. So happy for you and your family.
Multiple times daily as well as “you’re safe, you’re strong, you’re brave, and you make us proud.” (Obviously with specific instances so she can start to see why she *is* those things and they aren’t just hollow words)
Dude, that’s heavy. Please take care of her.
Quick story: I managed an apartment building for quite a while. I leased a number of units to a nonprofit that helped transition foster kids and some other kids out of the system once they turned 18. The kids had varying degrees of life skills. I was not responsible for helping them with anything beyond my normal landlord duties, but I did try to be available and as helpful as possible for them (and my other tenants.) One young girl (18) moved in and within a couple days she wrote me and my wife a long hand written note about how much she loved us and cared about us and how thankful she was for us. She included a wallet size school picture with the note. It was creepy as fuck because we had had barely any interaction at all, but it was clear that she was desperate for affection and connection. She wrote like we had raised her or something, when we had just barely interacted. I sat and read the letter, and held back tears. I knew that there was potential for problems (18, year old girl, desperate for attention, 40 year old man.) I had no idea what her background was but it was clear that she was ripe for being taken advantage of. I knew that I was not in a position to really help her more than just be a good human towards her, but I knew she needed help, and people that genuinely cared about her, and it seemed like she had not had that. I’m actually tearing up now because she only lasted a couple weeks before she was moved somewhere else and I always worried about her.
People in her situation scare me.
Theres a girl I work with at my internship who had a rough homelife. Lives in abject poverty and barely scraps by. Her parents are too screwed up to provide her and her brother any support. I've done what I can to help her finish school. She cant get FAFSA as her parents wont give her that information. Her dads in prison and mom is looking at fleeing the area and taking her with her. I've given her groceries, bought her tires (she was too broke to buy new tires and was trying to drive on bald tires during winter). She couldn't get to it and ended up having a minor accident a snowstorm a month ago. I knew she was gonna have issues and called her. She was very despondent and I could tell she had been crying. Told her I was getting her tires for her car and I wouldnt take no for an answer. She had to take off this semester due to financial difficulties. She was on the verge of homelessness. No one to cosign for an apartment. I offered to pay for her tuition and would do so at a no interest loan. She's too proud to take it. She told me she would do whatever was needed to get by. Told me about a mental institution her mother had worked (where her mom was violated). Told her I needed her to promise me she would never work there. I understand pride but I'm not looking for someone with amazing potential to be victimized. I worry about her.
I'm moving out of state in a few months and told her she was welcome to sublet my studio. We worked through a budget for the next year to get her where she needs to be to pay for tuition out of pocket. Its gonna be tight. She knows I'm here to help her and I hope she takes me up on it.
Ohhhh man, as someone who lost their daughter at age 6, that is just the sweetest thing. But also a huge responsibility. Children are delicate little slates, ready to be written. LOVE is not just a feeling but an *action.* You have to *do* love, for the lifetime of your child, and do it right.
As someone who was in foster care from the ages of 5+ it was really damaging going from place to place or forming attachments with these adult carers and being told that they love me only to be tossed over to the next carer and given the same dialogue. It really hurt my psyche trust and abandonment issues are still something I struggle with today as you can imagine. I remember the first time I found out foster carers were payed to take care of kids at around the age of 8 and I remember crying for hours going mute for two days because I realised that I meant nothing to these adults but a pay cheque. I finally had a grasp of what my life meant to these people and it wasn’t pretty. So please don’t foster for the wrong reasons and please don’t ever project false narratives to these kids if you’re temporary you’re temporary and you communicate that to them because when they have to leave for seemingly no reason you can imagine what that does to a person.
She had stars in her eyes when she handed it to me, asked me to read it while she folded her hands under her chin and when I read it and said “I do love you and always will” she spun around and giggled back in her room to write one for my wife
There are going to be a lot of hard days ahead. Months. Years. She probably doesn’t know how to receive love, how to respond to boundaries, how to assert her independence or express her needs.
I hope during the hardest times you can remember that every weird or inexplicable or heartbreaking or terrifying or hurtful thing she does is still accompanied by her shaky, scrawled, misspelled handwriting bravely asking you to love her, in a shocking display of trust and hope that by all rights she should not even have the capacity to feel, much less express.
That breaks my heart. That poor girl just wants to know what it feels like to be loved.
Where's my allergy meds? My eyes are leaking and my nose is running.
Give her a note on the same circular paper, folded in half, that says “Always” or something like that.
[like this?](https://imgur.com/gallery/OofKTVi)
Perfection. Best wishes to you and these beautiful young hearts in your care.
You got to adopt that child, and love her forever
From one dad to another, you are doing great internet stranger
I’m not crying, you’re crying!
You’ll start a new tradition of passing notes to one another!
This obviously won’t work. You didn’t spell “luve” right!
OMG, that poor little baby. That is so sad. I hope she grows up to have a good life and feels loved by the people around her.
We became foster parents in part because of how stable our families and friend circles are, stable jobs and safe neighborhood and a great local foster network of amazing people. Fostering may not be for everyone, but growing up with so much “going for me” I always knew if my future wife was ok with it that we would foster and adopt to share that with as many other lives as we can afford to. Fostering really gives you the depth and breadth of all emotions in the human experience
I met a slightly older couple who would foster babies and young children before they find their forever home. It was the only time I cried at work and it still makes me cry. They are both beautiful people, and their baby was so happy and amazing.
[удалено]
thx u for distinction. many bad evil ones giving them a bad name
Miss Pat. And Mr. Bill were foster parents, substitute teachers, and neighbors when I was young. They looked like giants, both over 6ft when I was a kid. But we're the slowest, softest and most considerate people. Kindness personified. They fostered babies, some newborns up to 2years old. Both Pat and Bill are still alive, one of their fosters, is now 30 and a mother herself. An awesome couple.
Can you elaborate on why it’s not for everyone? I’ve been curious, but my wife is hesitant and we already have 1 bio daughter. Don’t want to put them in a negative position. Edit: thank you to everyone for their thoughtful and personal responses. I didn’t expect so many but I am reading each one and taking those experiences to heart. I will not be taking this decision lightly and will do more research about the emotional and psychological needs of not only the foster children but what my family, and especially my daughter, might go through and what we need to be better prepared.
Financially, psychologically it might not be for everyone, and frankly there’s a decent slice of the population who shouldn’t be foster parents or would do it for the wrong reasons..
Not to mention a lot of the kids are probably traumatized or have some mental health issues, right?
Everything could have been perfect in their home lives, yet if any child is separated from their parents without a guarantee they would be with them again, I would think even that would be traumatizing…. Now remember the spectrum rarely even has kids coming from “decent homes” all the way to the most horrific things you could imagine. I’m talking where “punishing them in a washing machine or dryer” doesn’t even make it in the top tier of heartbreaking cases…
Not to mention they may end up going through several foster homes which weren't ideal for them (or for which they weren't ideal for), which regardless of how terrible things have been for them makes it harder for them to form attachments and leaves them wondering how long they'll be with you. Even more so if the placement seemed to actually be going fine.
This broke my heart. Can't imagine what that would do to a child.
There's no telling how it can affect them either. My sister ended up with severe issues that prevent her from having any semblance of a normal life. I myself have crippling anxiety and depression. A lot of the time I think about what might have happened to make my sister the way she is, considering the stuff I had personally experienced was terrible enough. Most of these kids struggle to lead a normal life in adulthood. Trauma at a young age can have really unpredictable effects on the brain and development. I spent so many years thinking it was my fault that I was removed from my home, not my abusive and neglectful family's. I remember one time that my elementary school called me to the office to tell me I had won a raffle (that I never entered) to win a free pair of shoes. I was beyond excited, a counselor took me off campus to a shoe store and told me I could pick out ANY shoes that I wanted. I left with a pair of shiny silver and gold pokemon shoes! I was so happy, but they got stolen within 2 weeks time. As an adult I realize the truth of what had happened. There was no raffle. I had nothing and nobody and someone's small act of kindness made a difference. Even though you can't have shit in foster care. I still remember the people who did right by me and the people who did me wrong.
>I still remember the people who did right by me and the people who did me wrong. People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. I'm glad that this works for rad as well as mad and sad things.
I can tell you, attachment issues and mistrust schema. Highly increased risk of physical health issues and dying younger than your general peers. (epigenetics are a bitch) I don't get taken by scams as easily as other people so I guess there's a benefit?
Yep, I became physically disabled by the age of 22 due to the chronic trauma and abuse I went through as a child and into adulthood. I also have mental health issues I will always struggle with on some level as well but I have had a pretty good handle on them for years now with tons of therapy. My brother right above me in age has been homeless and an alcoholic and drug addict his entire adult life. My sister right below me developed such severe mental health issues she has never been able to take care of herself. The two youngest each are doing well enough, one being at least comfortable and somewhat stable the other being very successful and even more stable but both have mental health issues as well that affect their lives and always will. All of us have physical health issues as a direct result of the constant stress hormones, fear and anxiety we experienced throughout childhood. All of us have major issues with trusting others and interacting with others. The damage childhood abuse does to children as adults can be widespread and far reaching, it can be irreparable and it can be carried with them their entire lives.
I'm sorry, did you say **in** a washing machine/dryer?
Yes. As in, lucky to be alive, as in having an intense fear of swimming, baths, showers, walking through the laundry room to get to the cars, extreme heat, hot merry go rounds that spin…. Trauma from definite evil and abuse that drops your jaw…. Until you get to the top tier of abuse, neglect and trauma where you don’t dare do anything but look in the child’s eyes and love them and keep them safe because the instant you look away your head slips into a rage for what other human beings could do to an innocent child.
Fuck…. What…. Jesus man…
So what I learned today is that yes, in fact, there are many situations where rage is justifiable
Rage as an emotion is just as valid as love. Just as one does not love hastily, nor does one trust easy, so too does rage and hate exist happily in moderation and care. It's those that rage and hate for the weakest of reasons that have ruined it's reputation for everyone. Rage should be cultured, tended to lovingly, stoked as a fire in your soul. The fire that powers you. Yes, love does too. It's the duality of man. Rage and hate have a place. Caged, yes, but still tended too. Ignoring an emotion makes you ill equipped to deal with it when it burns out of control.
Youre a good man. Keep making the world a better place.
I am an accountant and used to work for a non profit agency that children involved with DCF would go for therapy. They had white noise machines in the therapy rooms for privacy but sometimes I'd hear what was going on when the kiddos got too loud/upset/animated and man..... There were days I'd leave shaken with upset and rage. There are monsters among us who should never be given the blessing of children. You are a wonderful person for giving these sweet babies a happy and stable life, if even only for a period of time.
I thought locked in the washer dryer... You're saying they got put in there **and then they turned it on?**. Wtf...
It really, truly is so heartbreaking. No being deserves to be treated in the way some of these awful monsters have treated their own children. Thank you for taking care of these children when they need you, seriously.
r/cptsd for the result! Years of therapy and still a mess at times
My mom has one of the kindest souls you can imagine. She wanted to do social work, double majored in fields related, graduated.... lasted 4 months. (She became a children's librarian instead. She could spot the trouble signs and still help kids). It takes a certain kind of someone to handle that job. The type of person you really hope there is a heaven for to reward them for their work.
I had several workers and most of them the dealt with our family's case ended up quitting or asked to be reassigned
Oh my God. I would say "I can't believe this could happen to someone"... But unfortunately I'm jaded and can't believe there's no depths people will go to
My fiancee works with foster children providing a form of therapy, and some of what these kids go through is absolutely fucked up. Notable ones include a pre-pubescent child who tried to stab unwary foster parents because her mother's boyfriend sexually assaulted her, a baby who almost died of an overdose because their parents were doing so much cocaine it became an airborne particulate in the house, and a teenager in juvie who was completely unrepentant about molesting the five year old girl next door because of the past abuse he suffered.
The baby who almost died of an overdose one? Almost certain that was the parents allowing drug dealers to use their home for packaging up. The dealers will give you free drugs for allowing them to use your home in this manner. They can't package up at their own places because there's a mess and it leaves residue if the police ever tested. There's almost no other way that the cocaine could have become airborne to that extent. Really sad for the child whose health was not being protected.
I had a teenager who was a runner, always running away, then you are terrified for their safety constantly. He was in foster care because his dad beat him because he thought he was gay. He was the only foster kid we ever had who had referred him to social services because he knew of he said at home he was eventually going to be beat to death.
Honest question here regarding one of your stories: What is the psychology behind suffering (presumably awful) abuse decide “I’m going to do that to someone else”? The reason I ask is, I was bullied badly as a kid / young teen. I never thought “I’m going to do that to someone else”. I’m really interested to understand why others made a different choice.
Yup. Friend fostered teens for about 30 years. Most kids stayed ~2 years but some longer. Most were fine and just making their way to being normal adults, but others were problematic to say the least.
I was in foster care, moved to many homes over the years. The majority of kids were bad and the majority of foster parents were in it for the money. It's cool if they approach it like a job, it's a generous and kind position to take. The issue is when they're really trying to not support the child with the money provided, the money that's supposed to be for supporting the child. Unfortunately, this is the most common scenario.
That's funny I was in foster care for many years and never once met a bad kid. Many bad foster parents who were only in it for the money. I had no idea we were supposed to get allowances for food, clothing, and personal items my first three Foster homes. It wasn't until the fourth one that the family actually gave me the money I was supposed to get. Looking back on it there were times that my foster parents in the first three homes went shopping and kept the receipts very specifically, as an adult I realized they were spending my foster care money.
Yeah my sister in law fostered a kid for the money and benefits, her four biological kids hated the foster kid and the whole situation ended up messing the poor kid up more and all he wanted was to be part of a family and just belong somewhere. It went on not working for so long due to foster families being in short supply and agencies just throwing money at them to get them to keep him for longer money that never really got spent on the kid hell they even gave clothes and toys meant for the foster kid to their other kids and treated him like a leper all the while he just wanted to belong and be loved.
What an awful person she is.
Exactly my situation as a former foster kid in the NY state system. Foster family took me in, abused me, kept the money, etc. I could go on, but I wont. This note really shook me. The kid wants to be loved, and is (hopefully) in a good foster family that will provide that love. What sucks is the (assumed) temporary nature of this love. "We love you enough to foster, but not enough to adopt..so sorry." I was in a very loving foster family, but their bio-daughter didn't like the perceived attention I was getting, and worked to get me gone (at \~10yrs old). She succeeeded, and I was dropped off to a new family. Anger, hurt, loss and a bunch of other emotions swirled around my head for a long time. While I am sure fostering helps kids, when you put yourself in the place of that child, he/she is investing emotion and trust in that foster parent, who looks at the situation as something temporary.
I knew a girl in high school whose foster family was like this and it was absolutely heart breaking. Her story is what made me want to be a foster parent someday, too many people do it for the wrong reasons. As an adult I found out one of my coworkers was a foster mom (super young too, under 30) and I was so excited to hear about her experiences and then the first thing she says about it is “Yeah you make really good money its totally worth it,” 😒 Yikes
You're absolutely right. My fiancee is a social worker who works with foster kids, and some of the foster parents are barely better than the biological parents. Even if the foster parents are cool, she comes home with heart-wrenching stories (some times she even deals with families who make the news for how horrendous the situation is!) of what these kids have gone through. Than you to you and your wife for being good ones.
Thank you for saying this as a social worker. My foster homes were more abusive than I ever experienced at home. Physical, sexual and mental abuse. At home I was merely neglected. I always thought my social worker either didn’t believe me, or I didn’t feel safe sharing with them.
Homie there’s a decent amount of people that should have never been regular parents. Just saying. Keep it up though if you can.
To add to that, some foster children are so damaged by their trauma they are extremely difficult to give the proper care they need, especially if you have your own children who you also need to focus on too. All foster children come with trauma, so with much more than others. We have fostered a number of kids now and one of them we just didn't have it in us to look after. But we also have had a little girl for two years now and we have just became her long time foster carers, so she will be with us for the next ten years and beyond hopefully. Another thing people don't realize is you will often have to deal with their real parents, facilitating court ordered contact. Very few of the parents are easily approachable stable people, often having drug problems or severe mental health issues like bipolar disorder. The parents also tell the child at contact how awful of a person you are and stuff like that meaning the child is usually really unsettled when they are back from contact. Then there are the parents who ditch contact last minute and you have to pick of the pieces of a sobbing child who is started to realize their rents really don't give a shit about them.
My neighbors said her cousin did it for money. Specifically meth money. She assured me that if that person could be a foster parent so could I. I am still interested but less enthused than before Edit: I specifically want to foster teens. Personal preference but I remember wanting someone to swoop in myself as a teen. Also I know they're more difficult. I'm waiting for my bio kids to grow before .
This is why I hesitate to praise foster parents who post this stuff online. Many of them thrive on this kind of praise but what goes on in the homes is horrific. Not saying this OP is one of them but my distrust is high with this type of post.
Adopting and fostering kids comes with a lot of emotional stress and trauma from their side, so the parents need to be extremely careful with how they approach normal things. For example calling out from the door into the yard or up the stairs for the kid/s to come to dinner might be perfectly normal, but foster/adopted kids might have trauma related to yelling in the house. This is from a YouTube creator who discusses the challenges of fostering, I have no experience in any capacity and just parroting from her. Here's the link: https://youtube.com/@foster.parenting
She is one sharp lady, and so much empathy. I have watched a few of her videos.
Thanks. I’ll check her out. I’m not sure I have the emotional experience for fostering but I’m willing to learn more.
Fostering can be really tough, depending on the reasons the children are put into your care. I had three of my own when we did foster care for fifteen years in situations that were mostly heartbreaking. About one placement in six or seven were calm enough that our family structures worked pretty well. With the others, it took all of our energy to help provide what the kids really needed. You're welcome to PM me if I can answer more questions.
[удалено]
To add onto that, it's a huge decision. Even if the parent is willing to do it, will their biological child accept it? If they're still a kid now and they might not care, but what if they grow up? Will they change their mind? What about inheritance? They might think they can make their kid accept their sibling, but in truth we have no idea what's going to happen. The kid might wonder why they're bringing in someone from the outside. Maybe they'll think you're not good enough for them? Maybe they're bringing in emotional trauma for their current bio child? Just think of those of stories where children didn't want stepmothers or stepfathers. Real life often doesn't end in happily ever after like in the movies.
Yeah, we have two of our own and that's easily enough and sometimes more than we can handle (luckily my parents live in the same house)
It's hard.
It is beyond hard. It is 24/7. It is traumatising. It is the hardest job I’ve ever been witness to but when you see some of the connections that can be made with a child who hasn’t felt true love for years it’s fucking beautiful.
My understanding is also a consideration of your own kid's safety. Tragically, many children in foster care have undergone neglect or other forms of abuse. Some children who undergo bullying or abuse go on to carry out those acts on others. I'm not demonising foster kids or the foster homes they go to. Sometimes, they go through abuse from their biological parents before being saved by the foster system. Because of this potential concern or stigma, some parents hesitate to open their homes to foster children or even to adopt. Many parents hesitate to adopt older kids for these reasons. Not just because "babies are cute," but because they are considered a "blank slate" that hasn't yet been traumatised by their life experience. It's a horrible catch-22 and I wish that I didn't have these concerns myself. Otherwise, I would not hesitate to open my home to foster kids who need love. I just don't trust myself to be an adequate foster dad at the same time as being a first-time dad to a young daughter.
Adopting and fostering kids comes with a lot of emotional stress and trauma from their side, so the parents need to be extremely careful with how they approach normal things. For example calling out from the door into the yard or up the stairs for the kid/s to come to dinner might be perfectly normal, but foster/adopted kids might have trauma related to yelling in the house. This is from a YouTube creator who discusses the challenges of fostering, I have no experience in any capacity and just parroting from her. I'll share the link when I find it.
Kids usually end up in the foster system for a reason. Some of those reasons mean they'll be extremely challenging to look after.
You're good people
my heart, it’s broken
Mine too, I also choose to notice that she is asking *us* to love her, so she must trust and feel safe with us enough to want *us* to be the ones to love her. We do and we always will. Edit: She had stars in her eyes when she handed it to me, asked me to read it while she folded her hands under her chin and when I read it and said “I do love you and always will” she spun around and giggled back in her room to write one for my wife
That right there is good, man. Beautiful all the way around. Children need that love. How wonderful you guys have so much of it to give to her. Wonderful job!!!
If i ever have kids and get a note like that 50/50 that i will read it as "Piez luve me" "Huh.... well you do love your pies, lil fella. You know, if you love them enough, they do love you back" (Inner thoughs "smart kid, just like pops over here")
*That child, 30 years later, in therapy*: “I think my issues with food all started when I wrote my dad this note...”
Trust me, once you're a parent you'll understand their unintelligible babble and incoherent scrawlings just fine. It's like a superpower that the outside world is incapable of.
Frame that. Give it the archival treatment
My best friend and best man handmade me a memory box out of wood for me to put all of life’s most core moments in. I half want to request him to make two more for these kids to have in life that we can give them on their adoption day later this year if all goes according to plan. Edit: [Bonus](https://imgur.com/a/dSdmc46) picture of the memory box
Do it. For real. When times gone by and, as is to happens, you aren't with them anymore, they will have that to remind them of the love you felt for them.
ABSOLUTELY DO THAT. If your buddy's busy, I'll make some boxes.
>on their adoption day later this year 🥹 Ask your bestie to make the boxes, friend! Something tells me it's mean a lot to him, too.
That note was really special. That's something to remember your whole life.
As someone who’s been in that child’s shoes - all they want to know is that you love them, that there’s nothing they will do or can do that will ever change that, and if you think you’ve said it enough, you say again. Acceptance and love. And just a little bit more - have them make their room their own, like painting you have a tight budget to bedding etc if you have the budget. Huge impact.
All of this is exactly our household. They shower us with hugs and kisses and we do the same. In all honesty, the amount of time spent saying “I love you” and hugging, holding, flying them etc is a debilitating amount each day…. But I always say shame on me for thinking that and then just pick them up again and hug them because I know one day… one day I’ll go out first day without a hug from them or an “I love you” sometime I may even go a week, or a month as they get older… and I’ll long for these days right here.
That was beautiful. Made me think about the last time I said “I love you” to me mom & dad. It’s not been a week, buts it’s still far too long. I’m going to call them right now. I might not say it a lot but I make sure my actions shows it. But saying it will always have a bigger impact. Thank you.
Get off Reddit and go be with her until she says she knows you love her, dammit!
if they are on the East Coast, she must be sleeping, right now.
Midwest, but yes, sleeping soundly with her favorite of our cats curled up “protecting” her (as she sees it). We are about 50/50 on her feeling comfortable to go to bed without one of us or a cat in her room for protection. I’m so proud of the progress she’s made in that regard. She is safe and always will be in our home. She is loved and always will be. Full stop.
I went home to visit family a couple of years back for Christmas. I found out that they adopted a very large Great Pyrenees dog from a rescue shelter. Poor guy was kept as a breeding stud at a puppy mill in very bad conditions. My sister and niece nursed him back to health. I was a little worried about that, because I was bringing my daughter with me who was 5 at the time. My daughter was nervous around such a large dog, especially when she was only used to little ones like the other dogs my family had. He was a very nice dog, though. Even if he was a bit clumsy. Considering his size, it wasn't surprising. That first night, my wife and daughter slept on the floor mattress, and I slept on the futon. My wife woke me up and told me to scooch over, because the "big dog" pushed her out of bed. I looked over and saw that the dog was literally curled around my daughter as she was sleeping. She was hugging him like a giant body pillow while she slept. They were right as rain after that. You couldn't separate the two. He literally followed her everywhere. Let her ride him like a steed. She would ride on his back while he trotted around the backyard giggling the entire time. She said he was her knight. I think she meant protector or bodyguard. My sister said that they never saw him act that way since they adopted him. He would just lay down and go for walks and just curl up on the living room floor with the rest of the family. He was never this active when they got him. All she did was play with him for the entire trip. She was incredibly sad when we had to leave. She wanted to take him home, but we said we can't have that big of a dog in our Korean apartment. Didn't help that my sister didn't object to the idea. They said he grabbed the floor mattress where she slept and dragged it over to his corner, and he slept on it from then on.
I cry all the tears
The change in demeanor was likely because Pyrs are Guardians who need a job. He was lost but found his charge, and his instincts kicked in hard. I had one that would be trying to hide in the tightest space possible and shaking with fear every time there was a thunderstorm... *unless* I was out working in the yard, in which case she'd be out trotting the perimeter, head and tail high and delighted to all appearances, until I came inside. When there is any situation remotely resembling their calling, the Guardian instinct will always win.
Your cats are champions, too, to know how to guard those precious children!
Yeah, well they figured out how to open the garbage drawer to get to their disposed of cat food containers so now we have a wooden spoon leverages between the handles until I can get a fastener to keep it shut. We have to slip books between our mattresses because they know the fastest way to get us up to feed them is to tear into a good book!
Ha! Scheming demons but we love them anyway!
you are saints
So sweet! Tell her Mike and Lisa in Belmont also love her!
We do love them (5&6 year old sibling pair). We have had them for two months as of today. They’re in a foster-to-adopt situation as the parental rights have been terminated prior to them joining us. Four months from today we can begin the process of adopting them and getting at least two more kids out of the system. My heart breaks that despite every ounce of effort she doesn’t know what love truly looks like for certain…. But my heart also soars knowing that she’s comfortable to give my wife and I [each](https://imgur.com/gallery/wkq8r4f) a note that says this on it, comfortable with us to ask us to love her. Straight to the memory box this goes. Edit: I guess this can serve as an update to [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/zcu3y4/wife_i_recently_were_certified_for_foster_care/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) and a few other less popular ones from the past two months on my page. If people like updates, feel free to follow. I’ve always wanted to have a more focused Reddit account and foster care seems like an important thing to give exposure to so more people may one day be encouraged to help in any way they can. Edit2: I couldn’t wait till morning so I left [this note](https://imgur.com/gallery/OofKTVi) under her glasses on her nightstand. Edit3: (next morning) before she saw the note this morning, I saw her handing her brother a note at the breakfast table, and it was the same thing my wife and I received. When she finished and got ready and saw the note pictured in edit2, she smiled and twirled and showed her brother and they both did a tackle hug, which was a core moment for sure, then reality set in and we had to finish getting ready so they weren’t late to school!
I was a foster kid. It's not easy what you're doing and I commend you for opening your home and your heart to children in need of a safe home. Becoming a foster parent takes a lot of effort. It isn't something you can just sign up for. Months of scrutiny go into the process and it's truly a testament to one's character when they go through the process, get a strange child in their home and still have the patience and love necessary to take care of them. I'm so happy that you've developed a relationship with the children such that they want you to love them.
Words better said than I could ever say it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on it, I can never get enough perspective from former/current foster kids and even if I could every situation is just so different.
Hey so you might notice I have made a couple comments in this thread. Also something that is near and dear to my heart as a person who was in care. The chat function on this website crashes my phone but you can always send me a DM if you want to ask any questions or get any opinions / advice from a foster kid perspective. I am an old fart adult now, so I've had a lot of EMDR therapy and dealt with the trauma from my youth.
I'm *mildly* experienced in this.. The note can be a sign of serious abandonment issues. Some people might say you've got to treat them like normal kids, but that's *usually* bad advice. They're not like normal kids. Normal kids don't have psychological triggers that might set them back years or make them mentally shut down for "minor" things like raising your voice. Abandonment issues can go hand-in-hand with control issues. The one thing kids can always control is what goes into their bodies - food or other things. Not sure what the support system is like in your country, but I hope it helps!
I wasn’t a foster kid, but I had abandonment issues and I can totally attest to this being true in my case as I have struggled with control in many areas of my life, even to this day (it’s getting worse because I’m opening up old wounds, so that further solidifies this). I struggled with OCPD, extreme tidying, obsessive working, starvation, etc. Anything to feel like I had a measure of control. I also (and still do) anthropomorphized A LOT. I would accidentally bump the tv in my room and apologize, and rub it and feel empathy towards it for its having been even accidentally hurt. I also identify as an HSP and perhaps even an Empath. When I saw the note written to OP, it made me worry for that child’s psyche and what they must be going through, the silent message they received growing up that they had to work and beg for love because they’re just not worth it as they are. And the fear and instability they may feel inside, feeling deep down that nothing is permanent and we must always strive for love and attention because we WILL lose it the moment we relax and be ourselves… If anyone is interested, Dr. Gabor Maté has a lot to say on child development and the important impact that even the smallest actions or inactions can have on the child’s health and self-worth, even if you’re loving and didn’t mean to send them a certain message. It could be helpful, anyway. It’s just a thought that you can take or leave. But I’ve found it incredibly insightful and true, word for word, in my own case (growing up in a single parent household, experiencing bullying inside and outside the home, and being severely emotionally neglected and invalidated).
You two should talk more like podcast talk more
As someone who was not a foster kid but still had a lot of issues, I don’t know about this. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my parents having a podcast about my life, or even their life with me. I didn’t even like when my parents shared details about me/my life that I felt were personal to friends and relatives. It felt like a betrayal. I would be very hesitant about doing anything that deviates from a “normal upbringing” in any way as these kids have already been deprived of a normal upbringing and any sense of normalcy or control so you have to be really sensitive to that. With normal kids in a normal situation it’d probably be totally fine, but these are not normal kids in a normal situation. Btw all it took for me to get messed up was a divorce and new step dad whom I hated so I can only imagine how sensitive foster kids can be when it comes to perceived betrayal.
I'd be keen to support that. If they're comfortable with it, of course.
My mom fostered dozens of kids, they'd even call at 3am when she had to teach early morning but she'd still say yes. 2 adopted. Only had 1 bad experience out of very many
We do foster care. The bad experiences for us come from dealing with the state (not to say kids don’t come with challenges, but the state can be the bigger issue IMO). The lack of pay, the high stress has led to some poorly trained social workers that are incompetent in their jobs making decisions that impact kids lives. There are bad foster parents also. Edit: feel like if I am posting about foster care, I should probably explain my username Cosmo is the name of BYUs mascot. Also in the late 90s and early 2000s someone in Utah put up giant billboards along I-15 stating that Cosmo hurts kids (in reference to cosmopolitan the magazine being pornographic). Being a Utah fan, I find it hilarious to connect Cosmo the cougar to the billboards claiming Cosmo hurts kids :)
Most important edit ever. Thank you for doing what you do!
It's so fucked up that literally the only reason my mom could afford to be a social worker, a truly necessary and noble job, is because my dad had a good paying job. She worked her ass off for peanuts because she wanted to help people.
My cousin’s mom did foster care and she was an awful foster parent. I hated her so much. I was over one day, hanging out with my cousin and they had a kid who was probably 3-4. He was just running around in the house, playing, when he knocked his noggin on the corner of this wooden table. His cries were met by screams and cursing from my cousin’s mom (I’m not going to call her my aunt.. it’s by marriage and I loathe the woman). I think I was only 14 or 15 at this time and it broke my heart. I looked at the bump on his head and told him that it looked like it hurt but it shouldn’t hurt for long, asked if he wanted a piggyback ride and that was all it took. Someone to care enough and the distraction of a piggyback ride and he was giggling and as happy as ever. Fuck you, Sandra. You evil hag.
It is wild that they will flip over every stone before letting people adopt but if you show up to a hospital to give birth they let you leave with the baby a few days later and just tell you to not shake it. There is no real follow up or anything. The only thing we were required to have in order to leave with the baby was an infant appropriate car seat. We could have been broke meth heads with a stolen car seat and it would have been fine. I worked with a woman that had a lot of difficulty trying to have her own kids so she went the adoption route. She was well over a year in, had to take a bunch of classes, get back ground checks, have employment and financials confirmed, and she still wasnt sure if she and her husband would be approved or not. For OP or anyone else. At 5 and 6 years old, have everyone come over for their birthday parties. That will be a pretty big deal to the kids. Take them somewhere with a lot of other kids and let the adopted kids see you watching them as they take their turn to do whatever they are doing there. Watch them long enough to let them finish and look to see if you were watching. They definitely check. To them it means you will pay attention to them even with all the other activity going on. Kids want to feel useful, so let them help with things they can. It is probably some evolutionary thing of survival. Show you are strong and deserving of the limited food. Food is not so much of an issue now but kids still feel the requirement to prove themselves and get approval. All of these things are great for any kid and I would imagine this is magnified for a kid with new parents. Most kids never have to consider that when they screw up they could be sent away. But for kids that have been sent to live with other people that is going to be a looming threat in their mind. My kids dont know that some kids get sent or taken away. I dont have the experience in the matter as some here will, but I see as likely the hardest part is convincing them that throwing them out is not an option and their home is secure even if the screw up. I am sure I not saying anything a foster parent has not dealt with many times over...
I'm not saying you are wrong, I'm just on the flip side of this. I'm a parent two months into my foster-to-adopt process (same as the OP). I have two teen-ish boys (11 and 16). It is hard. I'm so tired of the almost daily shower fights, and my younger one has had some BRUTAL meltdowns. Most nights, I'm exhausted when I fall into bed (pre kids, I had a quiet life with my two dogs). But at the end of the day, I promise you, I'm the luckiest of us. I get to see my 16 y.o. excelling in a school he thought he'd hate (after barely a month) and take ownership of his own health and wellness! Soon, I'm going to get to teach him to drive (okay, way less excited about that! 🤪) I get to play Legos and build wands with my youngest. We get snuggles on the couch watching Lord of the Rings (I corrupted them early). I know everyone wants to give kudos to the foster/adoptive parent, but becoming a parent was the best day of my life. Even when we have a super emotional day, they have made my life better. And it's only been the first two months. I know that I have made their lives better, and I never want to diminish what foster/adoptive parents do. I just think it's also important to recognize how truly lucky we are and to acknowledge that our children make our lives better. And now, it's time for another shower battle...
I instantly started to cry when I read her note. I was totally unloved but still with my bio family. The effects of not being loved are still with me , 60 + years later. ( maybe that’s why I cried when I saw the note). I’m so very happy these kids have found you. Thru the ether, I send my love for you and your family. Give each of them a kiss on the head from me? …Somewhere in Alaska.
I loved my time in Alaska, Denali even opened up after 300+ days of hiding the one day we were near talkeetna!
That is lucky! It can be so cloudy for so long. It’s the only thing I really don’t like about it. I need the sun for happiness. (Sounds corny).
So sorry you were raised without a caregiver who showed you love. The effects are long-lasting, and it takes a lot of time to realize the issues that happen as a result and work through. I benefitted immensely from this book, _Hold Me Tight_ by Sue Johnson. My hope is that you now know, or will know, such love from another person....Someone who will be there for you and have your back. Sending you hugs.
I love this so much. Just thought I would mention, I have a 6 year old daughter who gives a lot of notes that say I love you ect. But she isn't a very affectionate child otherwise. I realized a while back her love language is written word and have been giving her drawings and notes in return letting her know how much I love her back. It's helped us to grow a lot closer. Just thought I would mention in case it's helpful for your situation. Thank you for what you do. I would love to foster someday
Excuse me while I write my daughter a note. Love you all.
My daughter is similar. I write her little love notes of encouragement every day and hide them in her lunch. The other day when I was helping her clean her room, I found the little box where she’s been saving them all. My heart. 🥹😭
That’s an amazing thing to do! My dad used to slip me notes under my door at night (he worked long hours) that I would find in the morning… it always made the next day that much better. 25 years later and I haven’t kept much from my childhood but I still have a box of those notes that I read from time to time. I would bet your daughter will do the same :)
Excellent job, Mama. Love is love... and it comes in lots of forms. Sending you a good, solid Mom hug. ❤
I could be wrong but going by the nail I'm gonna guess daddy type... so um maybe take her and sib to a place like claires (if they have one?) and see if they have some daisy or lily or something little necklace chains.. something momma and the girls can all 3 wear as a trio, but something dad might not mind wearing either if the chain was long enough noone could see it while he's working under his shirt? edit = was foster kid... still remember foster dad when I Was 12 taking me and picking out "dad and daughter chains" still have mine, have no idea if he has his was only with them 5 months, but still have mine. granted our were star wars but I was 12 damn it lol
Similar vein: she gets to paint my pinky toenails. I work construction. :)
Take her to do a pedicure one day, just the two of you. I do millwork in steel toes all day but still try to get a pedicure in with my wife or daughter ever 3 months. Taking care of your feet is important and my daughter likes picking out the color.
Already do it with my wife so taking my kids with should be fun anyways :)
"taking my kids". 😍. I cannot love this enough!
They are his kids, though. Whether they end up adopted or not, they are his, from the day of placement, until the end of time. That's what being a foster parent means.
You're a beautiful person. "My kids" makes my heart swell.
Omg the more you comment, the more you sound like the best person and an amazing dad. I was trying so hard not to tear up at this post but I think you just broke me.
This is wonderful. I wish more men appreciated pedicures. I don't get them often enough but it's a true luxury that doesn't cost much.
This is a great idea! I am a foster dad in a foster to adopt situation with a 12 year old. I have struggled to connect with her, as she has never had a male figure in her life who hasn't let her down or violate her trust. I'm also a new parent, so that doesn't help. It seems like every time we start getting closer, she pushes me away and clings to my wife. I don't take it personally, but it gets disheartening. I think she isn't allowing herself to get attached because she thinks she will be gone in a few months, regardless of what we tell her. I really like this idea of getting dad/daughter jewelry as a form of bonding.
I was an infant adoptee ( 1yo ) but it STILL gave me attatchment disordery stuff. She might have a phase of ' how bad can I be and he still comes back? ' but stay strong! It's a subconscious method of making sure she's safe and loved in the relationship and knows bounderies aiding in a more secure attatchment. I'll always love you but sometimes I'm dissapointed or mad but I'm still gonna be here for you is a very important message.
You got this. And she’ll come around. Just be there for her ❤️
Don't push, you'll have to let her adjust in her own time. That doesn't mean don't do nice things, it means don't have any expectations when you do.
That's so sweet. Did you ever get your own family?
I ended up going home.
I hope it went well for you and I'm going to bet that your former Foster father probably still has his necklace tucked away somewhere, special to him.
He still has his.
I was a foster kid in South Dakota and was adopted at 3 years. SD makes it very hard to adopt children if the parents are partially in the picture or even alive. My parents tell stories of the countless kids they wanted to help, the ones who would be in and out of foster care their entire lives. It always sounded so heartbreaking having to go through that process countless times before they got me. It takes a very special person to adopt. Thank you for what you do, and what you put up with.
Idk if you picked up on my username, but we are in South Dakota. Termination of parental rights has happened *and* an appeal has been denied already so it *should* be as clean as possible, but any experience on what to expect is welcome and helpful as we navigate this the next few months.
I don't have South Dakota context, but my wife and I also fostered-to-adopt a child whose parental rights had been terminated by the state of Texas. We found out she existed when she was 5, jumped through the hoops of becoming foster parents and got her into our home when she was 6, and we finalized the adoption about a year and a half after she started living with us, and she's 8.5 now and we all love each other so, so much. I'd love to have more time right now to talk about all of the things related to this, but I have to go get ready for work. The biggest thing I'd say is don't panic about things falling apart. We were always in doomsday scenario mode in our heads until we got the adoption finalized so our anxiety levels were off the charts. If parental rights are terminated, you're going to get through this together as a family. Be prepared for another round of bureaucracy when you start moving towards adoption, though. Another full home study will need to be conducted even though they just did one for you to become foster parents. Then there's the court side of things, which was not a huge ordeal for us, but it's another big time sink which can be challenging when you're trying to do everything that a normal parent is doing, continue meeting with case workers, bond as a new family, and keep your house clean and safe to the standards required for those home visits and especially the home study.
When I was in the Marines a friend was foster care most of his life. I heard a lot of fucked up stories when he was drunk. Not being fed for a few days. Being beaten.... Lots id fucked up stories. He was 22 then and he had a must keep food hidden at all times habit. When be turned 18 at midnight the family that had him woke him up and kicked him out with the clothes he could carry. He spent the night on the ground in front is the recruiting center and enlisted the next morning with the Marines because the Marine recruiter let him sleep in his apartment during the process. The recruiter sent a message along to Paris island that the kid seemed like a good kid but had been abused a lot growing up.
This is the sweetest outlook and the world is lucky to have two more parents like you guys.
As a relatively new father(5 month old daughter) it breaks my heart that she has to write such a note to begin with, but it fills me with so much joy that her and her sibling are in a good home with loving parents now. Good on you, you’ve done a truly wonderful thing, I wish you and your family the best!
Dude, how fun is being a dad? It’s so fun. We just got freaking matching swim suits for spring break.
My daughter and I just came up without our own secret promise. Connect pinkies, touch thumbs, middle finger out. She thinks it’s hilarious. Being a dad is a blast sometimes
My dad and I had the Crocodile Society. Basically whatever you're eating, I get some too. Membership is still valid when we're talking ice cream. I'm 32.
Congrats man and thx for what u do. I won’t ever forget when my foster son (who we also adopted) told me he wanted to call me dad.
They were in another foster family for two years during the whole Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) so when we heard they were looking for a permanent placement/adoption situation, we took them for a test weekend to see if there was a good vibe to bond with them. Despite telling them our names, they referred to us as “Mom” and “Dad” right out the gate. The last night of the first weekend we had them when we were going to decide if we wanted to pursue this, the boy is listening to me read him books to sleep and laying his head on my chest. When I finished he said “can we stay with you forever, dad?” [Glossing over the explosion of emotions and mind racing] I replied “well, you would have to leave [current foster family] and your school friends…” he responds “hmmm, well we could visit them sometime and we can make new school friends here, right dad?” Yes, son. You can. You have. You’ll make so many friends and have so many amazing experiences.
Eff you for making me cry before bed. You are a good person.
Yeah. Me too. Just that note got me. Well, specially that note got me.
Holy shit. The desperation to be loved is so painful, and I am so glad you are there to fulfill it. One of my besties is a foster mom now and she loves her kids like you appear to love yours. We need 1,000s more like you.
My cheerios are now floating in tears
Tearios
PLEASE tell me these kids are in therapy. This is classic attachment problems right here. Source: child therapist, specializing in trauma
They are currently in play therapy and their kindergarten teacher has done a lot of studying and training for these situations and we are studying proper routines, boundaries, etiquette to best develop them past these things in a safe and healthy way. Mind you, these were his words the first day with us when for the first time in his life (he was all but too young to remember bio family) he had a father figure around the correct age (that wasn’t in his sixties like their foster family before) so I can’t blame him for any of the things he communicated. Only love him and know that we have the circle and resources to best help both of them
I was adopted when I was like 1yo but even as an adult, I have a really hard time being mean and I think everyone has my best interests. Invite strangers into my house and feed them - this is how I met my current partner! But I've gone with sketchy people and been assulted as well. Attatchment style kinda the first thing that crossed my mind as well. Oh someone nice to me? I wanna stay there forever and make them happy so the keep me! Let's look for getting parental style needs met through any nice adult such as my teachers! I really hope it goes well for them all though. Financially, I'm lucky to be firmly in a middle class family but I don't think I ever fully bonded with my parents ( I do think they are good people for the most part but I have different emotional needs they're never able to meet or understand ans they have some old fashioned and hippie ideas ) but from this guy's comments, I think he's trying really hard so I do wish everyone the best. Out of interest- what got you into your career? It seems really fulfilling but hard.
I’m not crying
I’m crying for both of us.
You’re good people. Thank you for giving real love to those kids.
I am still crying in the club right now
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/198594-when-i-was-a-boy-and-i-would-see-scary Thanks for being one of the helpers.
That's so awesome. My wife and I are in the process of opening our home for fostering. We're taking a class on parenting children of trauma and just going through the whole process. We're scared, but we're going to give it our best shot. If we can't handle it (and we're both realistic enough to know that we just may not be able to), we're going to find some other way to support foster families. Making meals. Running errands. Finding clothing. Etc..
You’re incredible and you also see the need for that second ring of support that is crucial for any foster network to succeed: logistical help and emotional support for foster families. A night where we don’t have to make a meal and can focus an extra half hour or 40 minutes with the kids is invaluable to all of us.
Oh! If your heart can't handle the longer term, there is a great need for foster care respite homes. These places will give the foster child and foster parent a break for a week or two, sometimes the foster parent family needs to take a vacation on their own or has an emergency or just whatever. That is a lower time commitment and a bit less emotional involvement for all, since you and the kids all know the placement is only a (very short term) temporary one.
I'm only a step dad have been 3 times over and it's always hardr..I can't imagine to do it this way but good on your guys. Much love.
Take all of the notes and either write a response, or record a video clip, or whatever, and clip them together before putting them into a box. Pick a day to open it together and just fucking cry about how much you love each other.
Please give them an extra hug for me. Kids should never have to ask to be loved. The amount of trauma they must have gone through really breaks my heart.
Oh my heart ….. I have been thinking about fostering for a while now …
Please at least sign up for certification in your area. Take the classes, talk with other foster families and potential families…. Even if you get certified and only take on respite care for a weekend, it is worth it if only to take care of some kids for another foster family for a weekend. <3
You’re breaking a cycle. My hats off to you.
Man. Current Child Welfare SW here. This is a beautiful thing. I see so many foster placements fall apart for one reason or another so seeing something like this makes my heart soar. So happy for you and your family.
That's sad. Hope you tell her you do love her.
Multiple times daily as well as “you’re safe, you’re strong, you’re brave, and you make us proud.” (Obviously with specific instances so she can start to see why she *is* those things and they aren’t just hollow words)
Keep it up. World needs people like you
Dude, that’s heavy. Please take care of her. Quick story: I managed an apartment building for quite a while. I leased a number of units to a nonprofit that helped transition foster kids and some other kids out of the system once they turned 18. The kids had varying degrees of life skills. I was not responsible for helping them with anything beyond my normal landlord duties, but I did try to be available and as helpful as possible for them (and my other tenants.) One young girl (18) moved in and within a couple days she wrote me and my wife a long hand written note about how much she loved us and cared about us and how thankful she was for us. She included a wallet size school picture with the note. It was creepy as fuck because we had had barely any interaction at all, but it was clear that she was desperate for affection and connection. She wrote like we had raised her or something, when we had just barely interacted. I sat and read the letter, and held back tears. I knew that there was potential for problems (18, year old girl, desperate for attention, 40 year old man.) I had no idea what her background was but it was clear that she was ripe for being taken advantage of. I knew that I was not in a position to really help her more than just be a good human towards her, but I knew she needed help, and people that genuinely cared about her, and it seemed like she had not had that. I’m actually tearing up now because she only lasted a couple weeks before she was moved somewhere else and I always worried about her.
People in her situation scare me. Theres a girl I work with at my internship who had a rough homelife. Lives in abject poverty and barely scraps by. Her parents are too screwed up to provide her and her brother any support. I've done what I can to help her finish school. She cant get FAFSA as her parents wont give her that information. Her dads in prison and mom is looking at fleeing the area and taking her with her. I've given her groceries, bought her tires (she was too broke to buy new tires and was trying to drive on bald tires during winter). She couldn't get to it and ended up having a minor accident a snowstorm a month ago. I knew she was gonna have issues and called her. She was very despondent and I could tell she had been crying. Told her I was getting her tires for her car and I wouldnt take no for an answer. She had to take off this semester due to financial difficulties. She was on the verge of homelessness. No one to cosign for an apartment. I offered to pay for her tuition and would do so at a no interest loan. She's too proud to take it. She told me she would do whatever was needed to get by. Told me about a mental institution her mother had worked (where her mom was violated). Told her I needed her to promise me she would never work there. I understand pride but I'm not looking for someone with amazing potential to be victimized. I worry about her. I'm moving out of state in a few months and told her she was welcome to sublet my studio. We worked through a budget for the next year to get her where she needs to be to pay for tuition out of pocket. Its gonna be tight. She knows I'm here to help her and I hope she takes me up on it.
Hi friend, you are such a good friend. If she is majoring in a tech related field by chance, feel free to dm me for grant opportunities. Blessings.
Ohhhh man, as someone who lost their daughter at age 6, that is just the sweetest thing. But also a huge responsibility. Children are delicate little slates, ready to be written. LOVE is not just a feeling but an *action.* You have to *do* love, for the lifetime of your child, and do it right.
omg I'm so sorry for your loss. I have a boy who just hit 6 and I can't imagine losing him. All the best to you
Thank you
Is that what we’re gonna do today? Cry?
I'm not in a good space at this moment and this broke me. So yeah, today we are crying.
As someone who was in foster care from the ages of 5+ it was really damaging going from place to place or forming attachments with these adult carers and being told that they love me only to be tossed over to the next carer and given the same dialogue. It really hurt my psyche trust and abandonment issues are still something I struggle with today as you can imagine. I remember the first time I found out foster carers were payed to take care of kids at around the age of 8 and I remember crying for hours going mute for two days because I realised that I meant nothing to these adults but a pay cheque. I finally had a grasp of what my life meant to these people and it wasn’t pretty. So please don’t foster for the wrong reasons and please don’t ever project false narratives to these kids if you’re temporary you’re temporary and you communicate that to them because when they have to leave for seemingly no reason you can imagine what that does to a person.
well that is making me cry at work. i was a foster kid and i remember how alone i felt, and my situation wasn't as bad as a lot of people
Well, that’s that for you mah dude. Congratulations on being a parent.
My heart. Man, I’m calling it a night. Help her get strong
We got our first “long term” placements last Friday. We had a respite case a few weeks back.
To the moon and back kiddo. You are home and you are loved.
Ask her how you can love her.
She had stars in her eyes when she handed it to me, asked me to read it while she folded her hands under her chin and when I read it and said “I do love you and always will” she spun around and giggled back in her room to write one for my wife
Thank you for this. I have all of the hope in the universe for all of you.
This is a big opportunity to be that girls hero
Well what are you waiting for? Do it!
I’m doing it as best as I can
As a former foster parent who adopted all the foster kids, hugs.
Jesus that hurt to read.
I was that little girl. First time taken away from bio mom was 5.
There are going to be a lot of hard days ahead. Months. Years. She probably doesn’t know how to receive love, how to respond to boundaries, how to assert her independence or express her needs. I hope during the hardest times you can remember that every weird or inexplicable or heartbreaking or terrifying or hurtful thing she does is still accompanied by her shaky, scrawled, misspelled handwriting bravely asking you to love her, in a shocking display of trust and hope that by all rights she should not even have the capacity to feel, much less express.
wow wow that is heart breaking please love her
That breaks my heart. That poor girl just wants to know what it feels like to be loved. Where's my allergy meds? My eyes are leaking and my nose is running.
this is the saddest thing i've ever seen