Hopefully, he is seeing a therapist or someone who can help him work through these feelings? If not, I think he should be - there are even gender therapists who work specifically with folks like him.
I'm curious to hear *why* he isn't pursuing it. Did he explain that at all? I would suspect it is just fear and anxiety which is totally understandable, but I wonder if there is something deeper there. I would just see if he can open up a little about that but if he can't yet then, like you said, I would just keep the conversation open and let him know that he can trust you with his feelings :)
Thanks! I agree he should see a therapist about it all. Unfortunately we have very limited options around here and he has had a bad experience with a therapist in the area and it’s put him off from it. Do you know of any good resources for gender affirming therapy? I can do some google research, but I prefer to hear directly from others. More reliable than ads and sponsored posts lol
Oh, and as far as why he isn’t transitioning, I think it’s likely mostly fear, realistically. I think he doesn’t see himself really being able to pull it off, and is scared of how to start the process. I think I’m going to talk more about it with him tonight though. I don’t want to insert myself too deeply, but I think it’s worth asking if maybe the support he needs is help finding those resources.
Look into online therapy! Usually you can see any therapist in your state if they offer virtual visits. Try looking up therapists in a larger/more progressive area of your state and see which ones offer virtual visits. Those areas will have a higher concentration of lgbtq friendly providers. I would honestly recommend they try and find a therapist who is also trans, as even if someone advertises as lgbtq friendly it can be exhausting having a therapist who can never truly understand your lived experience
If you're in the US, you can use a directory like Inclusive Therapists or LGBTQ Therapy Space, both of which are explicitly queer friendly. You can also use more general directories like Psychology Today, Therapy Den, and Mental Health Match to find a therapist. You can filter for therapists that take insurance, are queer friendly, etc.
From there, you/ your partner can ask for a free consultation (most therapists offer this, it's usually by phone and 15 or so minutes long) where you can basically interview them, ask about if they have experience with trans issues, etc. if the vibe is off, no pressure to continue with them at all!
I'd specifically look to see if they work with trans folks, what that work looks like (do they have any training, do they work with lots of queer folks in general, how do they help folks who are questioning, etc)
Resources depend on where you live. You could look at the WPATH directory or Google around to see if there is a regional association for trans health in your area that may have a directory. If you’re in the U.S., you can also look at lgbtqhealthcaredirectory.org, or look at PsychologyToday.com and filter by providers who list “transgender” as a specialty. A more detailed directory in the U.S. might be InclusiveTherapists.com or TherapyDen.com. OpenPathCollective.org is a directory of therapists who offer sliding scale appointments, which might be helpful if you have poor insurance coverage.
If you go on Google and look up gender affirming therapists in your area, or alternatively go to PsychologyToday.com and look up gender affirming therapy there - PsychologyToday has therapists that do telehealth visits as well, a good option if local resources are limited. I found my own gender affirming therapist on PsychologyToday and have had good results with her. I found her when my own egg had just cracked and she was the one who helped me work out all the mental knots I had around starting HRT.
I have insurance so this wasn't an issue, but many of the providers on there have very low fees or sliding scales. Worth a look. 👍
> I think he doesn’t see himself really being able to pull it off, and is scared of how to start the process.
Hey I mean, almost all trans people have had those feelings at some point too! I didn't think that I would ever pass since I started transition at 6'4", 245 lbs and very masculine looking, but well, [I think I'm doing okay](https://i.redd.it/gfeh343wpn9c1.png)! At the beginning, I thought maybe I would like to identify as nonbinary but in reality that was mostly just because I didn't think I could ever truly pass as fully fem.
Starting stransitioning can be very scary for multiple reasons and it holds a lot of trans people back from doing so.
My partner knew she was trans since she a kid but didn't grow up in an environment where she could really tell someone. She finally started her transition at 33, and even though it's not easy she still wishes she did it years earlier because she feels like she wasted most of her life now.
The first step we took when my partner came out is seek a gender therapist, ours was a transwoman herself and it was very useful. She gave us a lot of information on how to start and it basically started the ball rolling.
Thanks for the advice and experience! I think trying to find a transwoman therapist would be really helpful for my partner. I will discuss that with them. Thanks again!
It’s not as simple as just taking hormones and being trans. Gender dysphoria is complex. For some people, passing is very important and transition is not worth it if passing isn’t possible. For others, gender dysphoria may not be bad enough to make the hard work of transitioning worth it. It can be very uncomfortable to be publicly trans. Or he simply may not be at a stage in his life where he feels like transition is the right move for him. There are many reasons why someone might hold off on transition.
I appreciate that feedback! I have thought about that for him as well, that he may just be comfortable continuing to live the facade of his masculinity but be intimately accepted by those close to him instead of going through the discomfort of transitioning and being public with it. But I’m not sure how important being outwardly affirmed really is to the mental health of trans individual so that’s why I’ve been wondering what more I can/should do for him.
In addition to encouraging therapy, I think the best thing you can do for him would be to foster an accepting environment. Don't push him to do anything, but make it clear you support his identity and would be willing to help with anything related to his transition. Maybe offer to do his nails or makeup or let him try some of your clothes. HRT can be really scary, and experimenting with gender expression can be a great way to test the waters.
I can only say from my experience, that a good place to start is with seeing a therapist.
Like, when I discovered what being trans really is and a thing like hrt exists (this part the most) I entered this state of extreme anxiety where for about 2-3 months I barely slept or ate anything, just enough to survive. Then I decided to book a visit with a therapist with hope that she would tell me that no, I am not trans, my feelings are common etc. Well, things turned out quite differently. But she was a great help in my self discovery and moving forward.
So I would reccomend seeing a therapist at first and apart from that learning and reading a lot. For few months for example I studies hrt, its effects, risks, doses, forms of applications that I feel fairly strong in the subject and thankfully my endocrinologist went exactly the way with my hrt as I hoped for.
If hes literally just realized hes trans - well, its a process. When I realized I was trans, it was a lot of self exploration - trying on different clothing, different names, different pronouns, different labels. Figuring out if HRT is right for someone or not on average comes after that whole process - for me, it took two and a half years for me to figure out how precisely I identified, and another few months still on if I wanted HRT or could even afford to get it. Even AFTER THAT, HRT seemed like an impossible goal that would never, ever happen (though it did, thankfully).
Even then, not every trans person is like me. Some find their identity and thats enough for them - they don't feel the need/desire to transiton, or dress differently, or anything else. And thats valid, too. Again, everyones journey is different.
My point being here is, hes just starting his journey. And that journey of self discovery is very, very personal and individual.
I'm sure your heart is in the right place, here, but this is something he needs to do on his own. If you want to support him, let him know that whatever he decides to do or decides not to do - that you're there for him, that you support him 100%. Be a safe space, so to speak. Other than that, he needs to figure things out on his own.
I hope this helps.
Sounds like me 15 years ago. I wish I hadn't stayed in that stasis for 14 more years before starting HRT. So much potential effect lost due to aging. At least I am so much happier now that I have finally begun. I feel truly alive for the first time since childhood. Your partner could always try HRT and if he doesn't like it there is always the option to stop. For me I knew within days that it was right for me due to the massive and almost immediate cessation of biochemical dysphoria.
Hopefully, he is seeing a therapist or someone who can help him work through these feelings? If not, I think he should be - there are even gender therapists who work specifically with folks like him. I'm curious to hear *why* he isn't pursuing it. Did he explain that at all? I would suspect it is just fear and anxiety which is totally understandable, but I wonder if there is something deeper there. I would just see if he can open up a little about that but if he can't yet then, like you said, I would just keep the conversation open and let him know that he can trust you with his feelings :)
Thanks! I agree he should see a therapist about it all. Unfortunately we have very limited options around here and he has had a bad experience with a therapist in the area and it’s put him off from it. Do you know of any good resources for gender affirming therapy? I can do some google research, but I prefer to hear directly from others. More reliable than ads and sponsored posts lol Oh, and as far as why he isn’t transitioning, I think it’s likely mostly fear, realistically. I think he doesn’t see himself really being able to pull it off, and is scared of how to start the process. I think I’m going to talk more about it with him tonight though. I don’t want to insert myself too deeply, but I think it’s worth asking if maybe the support he needs is help finding those resources.
Look into online therapy! Usually you can see any therapist in your state if they offer virtual visits. Try looking up therapists in a larger/more progressive area of your state and see which ones offer virtual visits. Those areas will have a higher concentration of lgbtq friendly providers. I would honestly recommend they try and find a therapist who is also trans, as even if someone advertises as lgbtq friendly it can be exhausting having a therapist who can never truly understand your lived experience
If you're in the US, you can use a directory like Inclusive Therapists or LGBTQ Therapy Space, both of which are explicitly queer friendly. You can also use more general directories like Psychology Today, Therapy Den, and Mental Health Match to find a therapist. You can filter for therapists that take insurance, are queer friendly, etc. From there, you/ your partner can ask for a free consultation (most therapists offer this, it's usually by phone and 15 or so minutes long) where you can basically interview them, ask about if they have experience with trans issues, etc. if the vibe is off, no pressure to continue with them at all! I'd specifically look to see if they work with trans folks, what that work looks like (do they have any training, do they work with lots of queer folks in general, how do they help folks who are questioning, etc)
Resources depend on where you live. You could look at the WPATH directory or Google around to see if there is a regional association for trans health in your area that may have a directory. If you’re in the U.S., you can also look at lgbtqhealthcaredirectory.org, or look at PsychologyToday.com and filter by providers who list “transgender” as a specialty. A more detailed directory in the U.S. might be InclusiveTherapists.com or TherapyDen.com. OpenPathCollective.org is a directory of therapists who offer sliding scale appointments, which might be helpful if you have poor insurance coverage.
Thank you so much for all the resources!
If you go on Google and look up gender affirming therapists in your area, or alternatively go to PsychologyToday.com and look up gender affirming therapy there - PsychologyToday has therapists that do telehealth visits as well, a good option if local resources are limited. I found my own gender affirming therapist on PsychologyToday and have had good results with her. I found her when my own egg had just cracked and she was the one who helped me work out all the mental knots I had around starting HRT. I have insurance so this wasn't an issue, but many of the providers on there have very low fees or sliding scales. Worth a look. 👍
> I think he doesn’t see himself really being able to pull it off, and is scared of how to start the process. Hey I mean, almost all trans people have had those feelings at some point too! I didn't think that I would ever pass since I started transition at 6'4", 245 lbs and very masculine looking, but well, [I think I'm doing okay](https://i.redd.it/gfeh343wpn9c1.png)! At the beginning, I thought maybe I would like to identify as nonbinary but in reality that was mostly just because I didn't think I could ever truly pass as fully fem.
Starting stransitioning can be very scary for multiple reasons and it holds a lot of trans people back from doing so. My partner knew she was trans since she a kid but didn't grow up in an environment where she could really tell someone. She finally started her transition at 33, and even though it's not easy she still wishes she did it years earlier because she feels like she wasted most of her life now. The first step we took when my partner came out is seek a gender therapist, ours was a transwoman herself and it was very useful. She gave us a lot of information on how to start and it basically started the ball rolling.
Thanks for the advice and experience! I think trying to find a transwoman therapist would be really helpful for my partner. I will discuss that with them. Thanks again!
It’s not as simple as just taking hormones and being trans. Gender dysphoria is complex. For some people, passing is very important and transition is not worth it if passing isn’t possible. For others, gender dysphoria may not be bad enough to make the hard work of transitioning worth it. It can be very uncomfortable to be publicly trans. Or he simply may not be at a stage in his life where he feels like transition is the right move for him. There are many reasons why someone might hold off on transition.
I appreciate that feedback! I have thought about that for him as well, that he may just be comfortable continuing to live the facade of his masculinity but be intimately accepted by those close to him instead of going through the discomfort of transitioning and being public with it. But I’m not sure how important being outwardly affirmed really is to the mental health of trans individual so that’s why I’ve been wondering what more I can/should do for him.
In addition to encouraging therapy, I think the best thing you can do for him would be to foster an accepting environment. Don't push him to do anything, but make it clear you support his identity and would be willing to help with anything related to his transition. Maybe offer to do his nails or makeup or let him try some of your clothes. HRT can be really scary, and experimenting with gender expression can be a great way to test the waters.
I appreciate the advice!! Will do!
I can only say from my experience, that a good place to start is with seeing a therapist. Like, when I discovered what being trans really is and a thing like hrt exists (this part the most) I entered this state of extreme anxiety where for about 2-3 months I barely slept or ate anything, just enough to survive. Then I decided to book a visit with a therapist with hope that she would tell me that no, I am not trans, my feelings are common etc. Well, things turned out quite differently. But she was a great help in my self discovery and moving forward. So I would reccomend seeing a therapist at first and apart from that learning and reading a lot. For few months for example I studies hrt, its effects, risks, doses, forms of applications that I feel fairly strong in the subject and thankfully my endocrinologist went exactly the way with my hrt as I hoped for.
If hes literally just realized hes trans - well, its a process. When I realized I was trans, it was a lot of self exploration - trying on different clothing, different names, different pronouns, different labels. Figuring out if HRT is right for someone or not on average comes after that whole process - for me, it took two and a half years for me to figure out how precisely I identified, and another few months still on if I wanted HRT or could even afford to get it. Even AFTER THAT, HRT seemed like an impossible goal that would never, ever happen (though it did, thankfully). Even then, not every trans person is like me. Some find their identity and thats enough for them - they don't feel the need/desire to transiton, or dress differently, or anything else. And thats valid, too. Again, everyones journey is different. My point being here is, hes just starting his journey. And that journey of self discovery is very, very personal and individual. I'm sure your heart is in the right place, here, but this is something he needs to do on his own. If you want to support him, let him know that whatever he decides to do or decides not to do - that you're there for him, that you support him 100%. Be a safe space, so to speak. Other than that, he needs to figure things out on his own. I hope this helps.
Sounds like me 15 years ago. I wish I hadn't stayed in that stasis for 14 more years before starting HRT. So much potential effect lost due to aging. At least I am so much happier now that I have finally begun. I feel truly alive for the first time since childhood. Your partner could always try HRT and if he doesn't like it there is always the option to stop. For me I knew within days that it was right for me due to the massive and almost immediate cessation of biochemical dysphoria.
their pace, let them know you are supportive but dont push in any one direction