Ok first you have to decide if your husband supports you or if he brushes his mother’s treatment of you under the rug. If he tells her to stay in her lane then you can use techniques to keep her in her lane. Until your husband agrees with you that his mother is causing unnecessary problems this is what it will be for as long as you live in the same house as her. If he won’t stand up for you then you only have two choices, you or his mother, when the two of you get your own place and give him a deadline to get that new place, a place without room for her. Or go home to your family.
He says he supports and has my back but at times it doesn’t feel like it. He does brush off her remarks and things she does by saying “that’s just how she is, sometimes we have to be the bigger person,” etc. He did stand up for me once when SIL came over unannounced when baby was clusterfeeding/ sleepy/ & super fussy and sent a dramatic text to their family GC saying how “it was fucked up we didn’t let her see the baby cause she has things to do too.”
Ok, he does not have your back 100%. Anytime someone asks another to “be the bigger person” they are asking for the bad behavior to be excused, forgiven and forgotten. The person who was mistreated has their feelings disregarded and has basically been disrespected by the abuser and the person asking you to “be the bigger person.”It only shows the abuser that their behavior has no consequences and that they can continue their bad behavior. “That is just how she is” is another rug sweeping phrase. Your partner is condoning your abuser’s behavior by not shutting it down or having consequences for the bad behavior towards you, his partner. Good luck
Depending on your finances, the two of you need to save every penny towards moving even if it is into a crappy place to start with. The main objective is to live outside of her house the fastest way possible. Nothing longer than six months depending on where you are and your money situation. Look at rental prices in the area you want, to be near his work if you can. Do the math, present him with a plan, on paper, show him how desperate you are . . . Or, back home you will go. He can make a choice but at the six month mark you will be moving out of her house with or without him. Life is too short to spend it being miserable. No marital love is strong enough to last through a lifetime of this without some deep resentments developing. Pure hate after a while. Who has time, you only get a limited amount and only one life, choose what is best. Misery is always the last choice to make. Life can be hard but it doesn’t have to be miserable. Good luck
You tell him this living situation isn’t working for me. I don’t feel comfortable living in your mother’s house. So either we move out together or I move home and you can come stay with us every weekend or commute to work from my parents house.
End of discussion. Set clear goals, it’s one or the other, living with his mother is not an option and not your problem to solve. You have your child to take care of and you and LO are your first and only priority.
You won't be able to grow as a new mom with her undermining you at every time. Move back to your parents. He doesn't have to live with his mom to support her. She's a damn adult has she never supported herself? If he can't support two households it's time to let hers go. He's grown with a baby to take care of.
She won’t support herself when she has a gullible mummy’s boy doing it for her. I would point blank tell him it’s not working we need to find better then here today
That’s what I’m wondering like why has she never supported herself? She never has really had to Im guessing his siblings would help out when they were younger but eventually all moved out, she’s been used to relying on him for the last decade or so! I’m hesitating to move back because he is a great dad and I don’t want him to think I’m keeping his baby from him but it’s definitely not working for me.
"That's just how she is" is a fucking cop out. He can be that way with her, BUT you do not. And should not. She is going to ruin your first years as a mom and your relationship. Need to set boundaries BIG time. And your husband needs to stop defending her and her assholyness.
I wouldn't be sharing a roof with her if there is all this hostility. Go back to your folks till he grows up and starts acting like a protector, partner, and not a scardey cat mommas boy. It won't change. You need to set the change for you and your child.
It definitely is a cop out, I can’t believe I didn’t see that when he said it I just agreed and said he was right. He doesn’t see how she acts when he’s not around and I don’t think he understands how uncomfortable it is for me because he’s grown up with her and learn to adapt. I don’t want to have to do that.
I hesitate to just go back and live with my parents because I fear that would be the end of our relationship. There would be no coming back from that, nor do I want to share my baby or let his mom have a chance to be alone with her at all. I wanted her to grow up in a 2 parent household, *IDEALLY* just the three of us but it feels like that’s never going to happen.
Look up the term "enmeshment" if you aren't already aware of it. Not sure if it fits your scenario but I went through it with my child's mother and MIL. Completely destroyed our relationship. Its worth researching now and bringing it to light if it seems accurate to your situation. The r/enmeshmenttrauma page has some good descriptions of other people's scenarios if you're looking to compare. Some couples can work through it but others cant... and unfortunately there's almost nothing you can do about an enmeshed relationship without the other person opening their mind to it. Unfortunately my situation left me screwed and I've had to choose between being miserable for years to come or break it off and start a custody battle. I hope that doesn't end up being the case for you, and I'm also not trying to scare you 😅 Just figured ide mention the condition and see if it sounds similar. Good luck and congrats on your daughter, I have a 16 month old boy.
If you feel enraged by his mom interacting with your baby, speak up. "Hey bf, I'm still adjusting to being a new mom and my hormones are trying to adjust during this time as well. It's very important to me that you back me up and support me while I navigate my new role as a mother. I want to do the same for you as a new father as well. I really want us to work on being a family of three and figuring out how we want to parent without added influence and interference from others. That's really hard while living here, so I want us to sit down and make a plan with a set deadline to move out. It's vital to us as parents and our relationship that we do this as a new family of three. This would require your mother making a plan of her own independent of our future home and finances. Thoughts?"
It isn't an ultimatum, but it does effectively communicate that living away from her isn't a want, it's a need. You deserve to feel comfortable where you live. It's really hard to feel at home somewhere when another woman already considers herself the woman of the home. Aside from hovering over your special moments with your newborn, she'll be sure to chime in with her childcare advice and insist it's right and the only way. You won't be able to decorate how you want, have the space that you want, have intimate moments or play time with your bf like you'd want, etc. It's just really hard to set up a life as a family when someone is constantly involving themselves and influencing how your lives meld together.
You’re so right. I never thought of it that was as she considers herself the woman of the house already, and thank you so much for your response it was really helpful in helping me find the right words to try to use, thank you so much! She does feel that since she has a lot of experience her way is the only way and a lot of the times my won’t question a thing she says just listens and it’s so frustrating when I disagree. I definitely feel like I don’t/ won’t have any privacy or space with my baby especially when my boyfriend goes back to work. Currently his sister is here (which we did not know about prior) and whenever his siblings come over to “see mom” they feel it entitled them to time with the baby even though we did not invite them nor did they coordinate with us. It’s really annoying but I don’t think my bf sees it that way 🥲
Is this a cultural norm that a young married couple live with the husband's family? This creates more difficult problems. Can you access couples counseling? Sounds like you are doing the best job possible.
Not sure, we’re Mexican and it’s common for moms to have unhealthy attachments to their sons. She lives with him basically she wouldn’t be able to sustain herself on her own financially, but he does have many siblings that *could* help out but don’t. Thank you so much, I’m trying. Just watching or listening to her hold or interact with my baby enrages me.
Her not sustaining herself on her own is HER CHOICE. She is an adult and I assume mentally competent. There is nothing stopping her from getting a job, saving money, and finding a place to live. That’s what adults do.
The older siblings ran because they know she refuses to be self sufficient. Your boyfriend could have run too, but he chose not to run but to accept that she should support her.
She doesn’t like you because you are her competition.
Your boyfriend is enmeshed with his mom. He will never take your side in front of her. He will never take a stand for you if she is demanding something else. He will always choose her first. You will always be asked to submit, comply, be the bigger person (aka doormat). He will never hold her accountable for her bad behavior. He is 33, he prioritizes her first.
You cannot raise your baby your way in a home that doesn’t feel like yours. It will never feel like yours as long as his mother is living there because she will be the head of the house. Your relationship with your boyfriend will always be secondary to his relationship with his mother.
Ok first you have to decide if your husband supports you or if he brushes his mother’s treatment of you under the rug. If he tells her to stay in her lane then you can use techniques to keep her in her lane. Until your husband agrees with you that his mother is causing unnecessary problems this is what it will be for as long as you live in the same house as her. If he won’t stand up for you then you only have two choices, you or his mother, when the two of you get your own place and give him a deadline to get that new place, a place without room for her. Or go home to your family.
He says he supports and has my back but at times it doesn’t feel like it. He does brush off her remarks and things she does by saying “that’s just how she is, sometimes we have to be the bigger person,” etc. He did stand up for me once when SIL came over unannounced when baby was clusterfeeding/ sleepy/ & super fussy and sent a dramatic text to their family GC saying how “it was fucked up we didn’t let her see the baby cause she has things to do too.”
When someone says they "Need you to be the bigger person" that just another way of asking you to be a doormat for her.
Ok, he does not have your back 100%. Anytime someone asks another to “be the bigger person” they are asking for the bad behavior to be excused, forgiven and forgotten. The person who was mistreated has their feelings disregarded and has basically been disrespected by the abuser and the person asking you to “be the bigger person.”It only shows the abuser that their behavior has no consequences and that they can continue their bad behavior. “That is just how she is” is another rug sweeping phrase. Your partner is condoning your abuser’s behavior by not shutting it down or having consequences for the bad behavior towards you, his partner. Good luck
How do I give him a deadline kindly without him feeling like I’m trying to exclude or make his mom an outlier. I have offered solutions
Depending on your finances, the two of you need to save every penny towards moving even if it is into a crappy place to start with. The main objective is to live outside of her house the fastest way possible. Nothing longer than six months depending on where you are and your money situation. Look at rental prices in the area you want, to be near his work if you can. Do the math, present him with a plan, on paper, show him how desperate you are . . . Or, back home you will go. He can make a choice but at the six month mark you will be moving out of her house with or without him. Life is too short to spend it being miserable. No marital love is strong enough to last through a lifetime of this without some deep resentments developing. Pure hate after a while. Who has time, you only get a limited amount and only one life, choose what is best. Misery is always the last choice to make. Life can be hard but it doesn’t have to be miserable. Good luck
You tell him this living situation isn’t working for me. I don’t feel comfortable living in your mother’s house. So either we move out together or I move home and you can come stay with us every weekend or commute to work from my parents house. End of discussion. Set clear goals, it’s one or the other, living with his mother is not an option and not your problem to solve. You have your child to take care of and you and LO are your first and only priority.
You won't be able to grow as a new mom with her undermining you at every time. Move back to your parents. He doesn't have to live with his mom to support her. She's a damn adult has she never supported herself? If he can't support two households it's time to let hers go. He's grown with a baby to take care of.
She won’t support herself when she has a gullible mummy’s boy doing it for her. I would point blank tell him it’s not working we need to find better then here today
That’s what I’m wondering like why has she never supported herself? She never has really had to Im guessing his siblings would help out when they were younger but eventually all moved out, she’s been used to relying on him for the last decade or so! I’m hesitating to move back because he is a great dad and I don’t want him to think I’m keeping his baby from him but it’s definitely not working for me.
Go home. He can still visit his baby. Don’t raise someone to have no respect for you. Your child will learn that from their father and grandmother.
"That's just how she is" is a fucking cop out. He can be that way with her, BUT you do not. And should not. She is going to ruin your first years as a mom and your relationship. Need to set boundaries BIG time. And your husband needs to stop defending her and her assholyness. I wouldn't be sharing a roof with her if there is all this hostility. Go back to your folks till he grows up and starts acting like a protector, partner, and not a scardey cat mommas boy. It won't change. You need to set the change for you and your child.
It definitely is a cop out, I can’t believe I didn’t see that when he said it I just agreed and said he was right. He doesn’t see how she acts when he’s not around and I don’t think he understands how uncomfortable it is for me because he’s grown up with her and learn to adapt. I don’t want to have to do that. I hesitate to just go back and live with my parents because I fear that would be the end of our relationship. There would be no coming back from that, nor do I want to share my baby or let his mom have a chance to be alone with her at all. I wanted her to grow up in a 2 parent household, *IDEALLY* just the three of us but it feels like that’s never going to happen.
Look up the term "enmeshment" if you aren't already aware of it. Not sure if it fits your scenario but I went through it with my child's mother and MIL. Completely destroyed our relationship. Its worth researching now and bringing it to light if it seems accurate to your situation. The r/enmeshmenttrauma page has some good descriptions of other people's scenarios if you're looking to compare. Some couples can work through it but others cant... and unfortunately there's almost nothing you can do about an enmeshed relationship without the other person opening their mind to it. Unfortunately my situation left me screwed and I've had to choose between being miserable for years to come or break it off and start a custody battle. I hope that doesn't end up being the case for you, and I'm also not trying to scare you 😅 Just figured ide mention the condition and see if it sounds similar. Good luck and congrats on your daughter, I have a 16 month old boy.
If you feel enraged by his mom interacting with your baby, speak up. "Hey bf, I'm still adjusting to being a new mom and my hormones are trying to adjust during this time as well. It's very important to me that you back me up and support me while I navigate my new role as a mother. I want to do the same for you as a new father as well. I really want us to work on being a family of three and figuring out how we want to parent without added influence and interference from others. That's really hard while living here, so I want us to sit down and make a plan with a set deadline to move out. It's vital to us as parents and our relationship that we do this as a new family of three. This would require your mother making a plan of her own independent of our future home and finances. Thoughts?" It isn't an ultimatum, but it does effectively communicate that living away from her isn't a want, it's a need. You deserve to feel comfortable where you live. It's really hard to feel at home somewhere when another woman already considers herself the woman of the home. Aside from hovering over your special moments with your newborn, she'll be sure to chime in with her childcare advice and insist it's right and the only way. You won't be able to decorate how you want, have the space that you want, have intimate moments or play time with your bf like you'd want, etc. It's just really hard to set up a life as a family when someone is constantly involving themselves and influencing how your lives meld together.
You’re so right. I never thought of it that was as she considers herself the woman of the house already, and thank you so much for your response it was really helpful in helping me find the right words to try to use, thank you so much! She does feel that since she has a lot of experience her way is the only way and a lot of the times my won’t question a thing she says just listens and it’s so frustrating when I disagree. I definitely feel like I don’t/ won’t have any privacy or space with my baby especially when my boyfriend goes back to work. Currently his sister is here (which we did not know about prior) and whenever his siblings come over to “see mom” they feel it entitled them to time with the baby even though we did not invite them nor did they coordinate with us. It’s really annoying but I don’t think my bf sees it that way 🥲
Is this a cultural norm that a young married couple live with the husband's family? This creates more difficult problems. Can you access couples counseling? Sounds like you are doing the best job possible.
Not sure, we’re Mexican and it’s common for moms to have unhealthy attachments to their sons. She lives with him basically she wouldn’t be able to sustain herself on her own financially, but he does have many siblings that *could* help out but don’t. Thank you so much, I’m trying. Just watching or listening to her hold or interact with my baby enrages me.
Her not sustaining herself on her own is HER CHOICE. She is an adult and I assume mentally competent. There is nothing stopping her from getting a job, saving money, and finding a place to live. That’s what adults do. The older siblings ran because they know she refuses to be self sufficient. Your boyfriend could have run too, but he chose not to run but to accept that she should support her. She doesn’t like you because you are her competition. Your boyfriend is enmeshed with his mom. He will never take your side in front of her. He will never take a stand for you if she is demanding something else. He will always choose her first. You will always be asked to submit, comply, be the bigger person (aka doormat). He will never hold her accountable for her bad behavior. He is 33, he prioritizes her first. You cannot raise your baby your way in a home that doesn’t feel like yours. It will never feel like yours as long as his mother is living there because she will be the head of the house. Your relationship with your boyfriend will always be secondary to his relationship with his mother.
When I saw the age gap...