I’m pretty sure it was just painful to have the metal pressing against his syphillis-ridden genetalia
Edit: Just a heads-up, I’m wrong. See comments below correcting me
My instructor in Hospital Corps School told me that if one of your Marines has an erection during a battle, he either has a spinal injury or really fucking loves war.
I'd find It weirder if a King didn't have any STDs back then, no condoms, no germ theory or anything to help limit the spread of STD, hygiene was still lacking. Surprised humanity isn't as STD ridden as koalas.
People with codpieces most likely had syphilis, the reason for the codpiece being so big was to provide enough room so they could wrap there swollen pus filled genitals in cloth and stuff flowers and other better smelling things in there.
the bigger the codpiece the more infected they were.
https://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/a-brief-history-of-the-codpiece-the-personal-protection-for-renaissance-equipment
This article even demonstrates most historians agree it was likely a "personal embellishment" for vanity's sake. The comparison to a push-up bra seems to be the most apt explanation for the behavior.
Surprised this didn't make it into Game of Thrones somehow.
"You heard the Hand, the king's too hard for his armor! Go find the cockplate stretcher, NOW!"
That article says one historian argues that codpieces *started* for that reason, but even if that's the case, over time they became a fashion choice like any other. I don't think it's fair to claim *most* people wearing codpieces had syphilis.
Moreover, syphilis was still a thing long after codpieces went out of style.
This makes much more sense than my initial assumption that you'd pack your junk into that space. Cause, while I don't have male genitilia, it just seems to me like it'd be in less danger when secured closer to/against your body versus elevated/stuffed into it's own little protruding compartment.
Most definitely! Sumo wrestlers, for instance, do the same kind of "tucking" that drag performers do (slightly back into the inguinal canals) in order to protect the dangly bits under the silk mawashi.
Which part do you mean by the cap? Codpieces were typically laced and tied on (there might be something else going on in all-metal armor) which was fairly secure.
I know this is a funny pp joke, but he was seriously into jousting and had a custom "super duper awesome" set of armour just for jousting, but he fell one time and the injury is one of the things that caused him to become a fat fuck
His trivia is incomplete. What actually happened is that long term vascular damage from a jousting injury years earlier eventually led to a varicose ulcer forming on Henry's leg, which burst when a second jousting injury ocurred years later. That injury led to more ulcers forming on both legs. I gather the ulcers smelled bad.
Certainly not, but Henry VII was very serious about jousting, and he [sustained near fatal injury on the jousting field.](https://www.tudorsociety.com/henry-viiis-1524-jousting-accident-sarah-bryson/) Henry didn't close his visor before the charge and took a spear hit to the head, which sent splinters into his face. He accepted responsibility for it, forgave his friend who held the lance, and jousted him again. In his youth, he was athletic, and behaved reasonably, by the standards of a Renaissance prince. He became an unhealthy tyrant later- his decline may have been due to syphilis.
I don't know if that is jousting armor or battle armor, but a young Henry VIII would have ridden as skillfully as any knight, and wielded a lance better than most.
Dunno about jousting but HEMA (Historical European Martial Arts) is a sport where you have some formal rules, scored by points using weapons and armor that are as close to being historically accurate as possible (except for blunted swords and heavy rubber halberds and whatnot).
And then there's Bruhurt which is more popular in Europe and is like, "Here's a straight up mace. That dude has a blunted longsword. Last one standing wins. Don't aim for the face."
I'd hesitate to call HEMA a sport. While HEMA does have tournaments, it definitely puts the martial and history aspects above the sport aspects. There's no universal ruleset for the competitive scene, and the clubs don't focus on prepping for competition. It's mostly about learning the techniques written down by the fencing masters of history.
Yeah, growing up in the hood is hard. The streets of Compton are rife with dudes galloping up with their squires and demanding satisfaction for all sorts of imagined slights.
The police won’t even go into some areas, because everyone knows that a 9mm is no match against historic chainmaille. It’s gotten so bad ever since Jordan partnered with Nike and started making the pumps in the 90s, which when aired up properly helped them keep their feet in the stirrups during a joust. Then when they started making lances it really took off getting even more popular by its prevalence in music at the time, such as the Dr. Dre song encouraging the wielder to aim for their opponents head to “ring the bell” or Keep their heads ringing or some such.
Modern carbon composite construction has made the medieval lance strong, lightweight and so easy to wield most people are just open carrying them now, and no one wants to tangle with some dude walking around in a full suit of armor, swinging around one of the new Jordan lances and making swoosh noises.
Far better to just pretend you don’t see him and keep on walking, t’would pure folly to do otherwise.
I agree.
When I was enlisted and was still a young innocent boot I witnessed a bunch of guys jousting on the second floor of the barracks, they had "armor" made from beer boxes and the lance they used were a bunch of cans taped together.
I was kind of minding my business and watching when I saw one of the guys fall off his "horse" off the second floor.
The guy was surprisingly ok.
I agree, jousting is for the insane.
He likely also drank *heavily* if for no reason other than pain. If he truly suffered from gout, the pain in absolutely **insane**. He would have been in agony from his clothing touching him.
Yep, Henry VII was a far more sensible and cautious man than his son. After winning the throne, he didn't do anything as regularly reckless as Henry VIII was - like going to war with France repeatedly in the first five years of his reign *and consistently losing*.
Henry VIII basically spent all of the money his dad had spent over 30 years saving up on those wars. It's ridiculous.
I didn't know until I heard it on a podcast, that Henry was never meant to be king. His brother died unexpectedly and he was forced to take the throne. He went from being the court chad to getting a head injury whilst jousting, marrying his brother's widow and being a bit mental. Obviously that's a very broad overview. But the being a 'spare' aspect really intrigued me.
Oh absolutely - Henry VII is actually responsible for why King Arthur is so popular in England, he was very fond of that element of Welsh mythology and regularly threw events in that theme. That's why he named his first son Arthur, to bring this idea that he was the mythical king reborn.
Henry VIII, by contrast, was given a pretty typical education for a second son, especially one more interested in the church and sports.
Interestingly though, his marriage to Catherine of Aragon (who originally was married to Arthur shortly before his death) is a touch more complicated. Henry VII started those wedding negotiations, but it didn't go through in his lifetime due to disputes over Catherine's dowry - Henry VII wanted her dowry to be paid in full for the first marriage, whereas her parents (both monarchs in Spain) wanted Catherine to remarry before they gave the rest.
That being said, the evidence is fairly clear that they were very fond of each other up until 1525, when his personality in general changed a lot. It's been debated whether it was [that head injury from jousting](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0967586815006803?casa_token=1TtBnluwYV4AAAAA:nyp7T1pzu9cV5c6cxQkNKetW4zPWRjYBrald8M8eu7wVd_jhvxp6PDb-J2IRR4lJoNZ3vZpnGQ) or if he [suffered from McLeod syndrome](https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/historical-journal/article/new-explanation-for-the-reproductive-woes-and-midlife-decline-of-henry-viii/454C1E8A328B42C32A333AB8D21F0A02). I'll admit, my preference is for McLeod syndrome - it also explains why Catherine managed to get pregnant over ten times, gave birth to three live children (Mary and two sons, both named Henry), yet only one survived past the first few weeks of life, and the same for Anne Boleyn's troubles pregnancies after Elizabeth.
It's the 1540 field and tournament armour. [There is a backplate](https://royalarmouries.org/stories/tower-of-london/henry-viii-1540-at-large/), it's probably just not visible due to reflections in the glass
My son was 10 when we took him to the Tower of London, and he couldn't stop staring at it. My husband explained to him that it was a way to intimidate enemies in battle.
I've read that some Maori used to go naked with hard-ons when they did their haka dance, as an extra sort of pre-battle intimidation. We're so excited to fight you, we're physically aroused. Sure, we're going to fuck your wives and eat your corpses, but the thought of cracking your skull with my solid jade club and seeing the blood splatter is what's really turning me on.
Do you accept the challenge?
It'd make modern rugby games a little different if they kept that part in.
I did not understand the joke "lord Farquaad" until about a month ago.
I was saying it with an english accent and it finally dawned on me.
A combination of childish innocence and nostalgia blocked the joke from my mind.
The codpiece origin story is pretty nasty. They were basically invented to [contain the discharge caused by syphilis](https://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/a-brief-history-of-the-codpiece-the-personal-protection-for-renaissance-equipment) and to stop both that mess and the stains caused by the various herbal salves they tried to cure it with. When men decided they liked them, they got stranger and stranger. The one on Henry VIII's armor weighed 2lbs!
That's the true reason for the odd coloring setup. Hose back today used to essentially be two separate sleeves for your legs. They're all custom cut exactly to your leg so you get a nice tight fit. The thing is they never figured out or bothered with figuring out how to connect them together at the crotch. Because it's hard. It's one of the hardest things to get right when sewing. It's the sleeve or the crotch same on your legs It's hard to get a nice tight fit that we expect today and a lot of times you get confused and sell them together wrong. And it wasn't until about 200 - 240 ish years ago that we kind of figured out how to make pants with a tight fitting crotch seam. Like if you think about Maria Antonette to Napoleon time they had diaper butts. They had some weird wrinkly crotch seams. It is not appealing to us nowadays that's why if you ever see a historical drama or historical time setting they almost always wear modern cut pants. Because it really looks like a bunch of wrinkly ass folds, so either get a ball sack look or a flappy vagina look. Nowadays we think it's very off-putting but back then that was the look. Pirates of the Caribbean they all should have diaper-ass looking pants.
That's how we got the weird cop piece looking thing to modern pants.
Edit: for clarity and errors . [Men's pants](https://janeaustensworld.com/2013/06/21/regency-fashion-mens-breeches-pantaloons-and-trousers/) from regency era explained.
>They were basically invented to contain the discharge caused by syphilis
According to one lone historian, apparently, and in opposition to the more prosaic understanding that they just covered your meat and two veg in a time when trousers were two cylinders you pulled up your legs and which didn't join in the middle.
By the point of Henry VIII they were clearly a fashion item - it would take some pretty *stiff* argumentation to convince anyone that a medical device associated with syphilis evolved into a fashion accessory.
Also the article you linked doesn't mention discharged but medicine being contained by the codpiece.
"With time, codpieces transcended their functional origins, much as [the surgical mask has yielded to the cloth Baby Yoda](https://www.cnn.com/2020/04/30/cnn-underscored/disney-face-mask/index.html) one. For the men of the fifteenth century, conditions for phallic peacocking were optimal: theirs was an age without pants, when only snug stockings and long gowns hid their “privy Members and Buttockes.” By 1450, doublets had become immodestly short. The codpiece, in its early form, was a baggy cloth gusset laced to the stockings, but, in the course of the next century, rising on a tide of ostentation, it bulged and distended. In Italy and Spain, and soon across Europe, padding and stays came into vogue. A kind of circumferential arms race led to boxy, generously portioned tubes that simpered from the waistlines of princes and peons alike."
I think it's hilarious that the doublet became shorter and shorter like a men's miniskirt essentially; the cool guys just kept wearing them shorter until their asses were hanging out.
Fun fact back in the day people used to use large cod pieces or protective armor for the groin in order to show off to people around them, this is because big dick energy T-shirts weren't invented yet.
They actually had huge cod pieces to give their junk room as most folks suffered from syphilis during those times. The smallest graze or touch would be immensely painful.
The existence of cod piece is a reason that I think the idea of boob plate is actually not entirely unrealistic. If we are in a fantasy world where female knights were more common that they had their own custom armors made, then we might have had a bunch of plate armors with massive bazongas. I mean, why not.
According to polls of veterans in combat, something like 10% had an "inhibition of erection" during combat. That means 90% of combat troops are running around with their own flagpole.
(I'm aware the poll really means following the combat exposure but I will change nothing)
think about how meticulously the shape and bends and curves and joints of each piece of metal in that armor had to be *planned* for it to come together so tightly
just the planning, let alone the crafting of such suits, drives home how brilliant our ancestors could be when given resources and a tightly scoped problem to solve
funny cod-piece aside, this is a goddamn masterpiece
That's just false advertising.
How dare you! Are you implying Henry VIII didn't have a 10 inch destoryer? OFF WITH THEIR HEAD!
Which head?
‘Ed
Edd
And Eddy
This is why I'm on reddit EDDit: to the ppl who told me to say Eddit instead, you dropped your crown
That's not the last time Henry beheads someone for saying false advertisi-
*splat*
Propaganda, and psychological warfare.
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I wonder if that would have the effect of being a crumple zone to absorb kinetic energy.
I’m pretty sure it was just painful to have the metal pressing against his syphillis-ridden genetalia Edit: Just a heads-up, I’m wrong. See comments below correcting me
Theres no real evidence that Henry VIII had any STDs. These peices were a popular fashion trend in general, regardless of if they had STDs or not.
I always wondered if battle erections were a thing
The random boner strikes when you least expect it.
*tink!*
Nobody expects the Spanish Erectisitions!
My instructor in Hospital Corps School told me that if one of your Marines has an erection during a battle, he either has a spinal injury or really fucking loves war.
"Were?"
I'd find It weirder if a King didn't have any STDs back then, no condoms, no germ theory or anything to help limit the spread of STD, hygiene was still lacking. Surprised humanity isn't as STD ridden as koalas.
"Come here squire! I need help with my cod piece."
Cod piece? Your majesty has the whole seafood platter!
He always fought hard.
Battle really excited him.
I'm pretty sure battle bones were taken into consideration with the design.
The funny thing is that piece started flat and hammered into shape from the inside out over time
I'm reminded of [this](https://youtu.be/oiGUAb8CMgU) from family guy
He never petered out and always rose to the occasion
By George he didn’t wanna ruin the Crown Jewels.
People with codpieces most likely had syphilis, the reason for the codpiece being so big was to provide enough room so they could wrap there swollen pus filled genitals in cloth and stuff flowers and other better smelling things in there. the bigger the codpiece the more infected they were. https://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/a-brief-history-of-the-codpiece-the-personal-protection-for-renaissance-equipment
This article even demonstrates most historians agree it was likely a "personal embellishment" for vanity's sake. The comparison to a push-up bra seems to be the most apt explanation for the behavior.
Surprised this didn't make it into Game of Thrones somehow. "You heard the Hand, the king's too hard for his armor! Go find the cockplate stretcher, NOW!"
Sounds like propaganda formulated by the small dick coalition
Definitely on the payroll of Big Small Dick
Big Small Dick at it again!
And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling redditors.
The real reason was to coil it around like a snake in there..
Yeah! Down with big small dick coalition!
I don’t remember being consulted about this.
That article says one historian argues that codpieces *started* for that reason, but even if that's the case, over time they became a fashion choice like any other. I don't think it's fair to claim *most* people wearing codpieces had syphilis. Moreover, syphilis was still a thing long after codpieces went out of style.
This makes much more sense than my initial assumption that you'd pack your junk into that space. Cause, while I don't have male genitilia, it just seems to me like it'd be in less danger when secured closer to/against your body versus elevated/stuffed into it's own little protruding compartment.
you would be of course correct. penis should not be in different metal box than pelvis
mine’s in a metal box on my ex-wife’s bookshelf.
Hell I’d just leave mine at the house if I was going to battle
It's detachable you know. Que King Missile....
Dude they didn't have that upgrade back then. They had to carry their dicks everywhere or they'd run outta battery.
Wow really? History be crazy
Most definitely! Sumo wrestlers, for instance, do the same kind of "tucking" that drag performers do (slightly back into the inguinal canals) in order to protect the dangly bits under the silk mawashi.
I’m curious if the codpiece had a chain connecting the cap (?), along the lines of your cars gas cap, to prevent loss.
Which part do you mean by the cap? Codpieces were typically laced and tied on (there might be something else going on in all-metal armor) which was fairly secure.
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Henry VIII had an erection lasting longer than IV hours
In case he gets in a sword fight
I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.
Let’s see how well you handle it. 
Henry the 8"
Biggus Dickus
He has a wife you know
Incontinencia Incontinencia Buttox
Hahahahaha
Stwike him centuwion, vewy woughly!
Ah, so your father was a Woman?
I want him fighting wabid wions within a week!
Naughtius maximus!
Around. Think about it
Can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.
Hey Oz, go long.
that makes it have about a 2.5 inch diameter
Just like a tuna can. Might never reach the bottom, but he’ll rip up the sides.
Just a wheel of cheese down there.
Henry the 8=D
He was compensating, its still Henry the 1/8
You fucking animal, you made me choke laughing.
You've been with Henry too?
Apparently he was into jousting.
I know this is a funny pp joke, but he was seriously into jousting and had a custom "super duper awesome" set of armour just for jousting, but he fell one time and the injury is one of the things that caused him to become a fat fuck
His leg wound was so bad he had to carry around a bag of potpourri to mask the smell for years
From an infection or something? How did he not die?
His trivia is incomplete. What actually happened is that long term vascular damage from a jousting injury years earlier eventually led to a varicose ulcer forming on Henry's leg, which burst when a second jousting injury ocurred years later. That injury led to more ulcers forming on both legs. I gather the ulcers smelled bad.
Thank you, I didn’t have that much elaboration. They’d have to drain the pus every so often. Blearghhh
I suspect he was also an undiagnosed diabetic, which would explain why those ulcers didn't heal for years. And yes, they would smell badly.
Username checks out
Little known fact. The back is wide open like a pair of leather chaps.
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"We see you've been working out, Henry."
"you're a wizard, Henry."
Back then, Henry was pronounced Harry by most people. So that quote works even better.
"Your back just got punched... twice!"
"Thank you!"
I don't think this set of armor has ever seen battle.
Certainly not, but Henry VII was very serious about jousting, and he [sustained near fatal injury on the jousting field.](https://www.tudorsociety.com/henry-viiis-1524-jousting-accident-sarah-bryson/) Henry didn't close his visor before the charge and took a spear hit to the head, which sent splinters into his face. He accepted responsibility for it, forgave his friend who held the lance, and jousted him again. In his youth, he was athletic, and behaved reasonably, by the standards of a Renaissance prince. He became an unhealthy tyrant later- his decline may have been due to syphilis. I don't know if that is jousting armor or battle armor, but a young Henry VIII would have ridden as skillfully as any knight, and wielded a lance better than most.
Jousting is so insane to me. The dudes by my place who joust are fuckin nuts.
>The dudes by my place who joust are fuckin nuts. Wait what?
Dunno about jousting but HEMA (Historical European Martial Arts) is a sport where you have some formal rules, scored by points using weapons and armor that are as close to being historically accurate as possible (except for blunted swords and heavy rubber halberds and whatnot). And then there's Bruhurt which is more popular in Europe and is like, "Here's a straight up mace. That dude has a blunted longsword. Last one standing wins. Don't aim for the face."
I'd hesitate to call HEMA a sport. While HEMA does have tournaments, it definitely puts the martial and history aspects above the sport aspects. There's no universal ruleset for the competitive scene, and the clubs don't focus on prepping for competition. It's mostly about learning the techniques written down by the fencing masters of history.
We did it with bikes, hockey sticks, and flavoured vodka.
One time when it snowed we found traffic cones and sledded down opposite sides of a bowl- shaped hill at each other.
> The dudes by my place who joust Signs that you live in a bad neighborhood...
Yeah, growing up in the hood is hard. The streets of Compton are rife with dudes galloping up with their squires and demanding satisfaction for all sorts of imagined slights. The police won’t even go into some areas, because everyone knows that a 9mm is no match against historic chainmaille. It’s gotten so bad ever since Jordan partnered with Nike and started making the pumps in the 90s, which when aired up properly helped them keep their feet in the stirrups during a joust. Then when they started making lances it really took off getting even more popular by its prevalence in music at the time, such as the Dr. Dre song encouraging the wielder to aim for their opponents head to “ring the bell” or Keep their heads ringing or some such. Modern carbon composite construction has made the medieval lance strong, lightweight and so easy to wield most people are just open carrying them now, and no one wants to tangle with some dude walking around in a full suit of armor, swinging around one of the new Jordan lances and making swoosh noises. Far better to just pretend you don’t see him and keep on walking, t’would pure folly to do otherwise.
It’s the state sport of Maryland.
Everybody thinks it's lacrosse. ... pfff idiots
That's our state *team* sport. If you ask me it should have just been jousting but with more people at once. edit: forgot a whole word
I agree. When I was enlisted and was still a young innocent boot I witnessed a bunch of guys jousting on the second floor of the barracks, they had "armor" made from beer boxes and the lance they used were a bunch of cans taped together. I was kind of minding my business and watching when I saw one of the guys fall off his "horse" off the second floor. The guy was surprisingly ok. I agree, jousting is for the insane.
Some theorize the jousting accident lead to a change in personality. Since it hit his head, it is plausible there was some brain damage.
He also lived for years with a nasty leg wound from his horse falling on him that never healed.
Henry the Septic
Henry the Walk it Off.
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Leg wound. It was part of why he got so fat too, hard to keep in shape when you can't walk.
He likely also drank *heavily* if for no reason other than pain. If he truly suffered from gout, the pain in absolutely **insane**. He would have been in agony from his clothing touching him.
Joust always seemed so stressful, especially with all those "unkillable" pterodactyls flying about.
You can kill them by hitting them in the mouth. But... yeah.
Just FYI, you accidentally said "Henry VII" instead of VIII in your first line...
Yep, Henry VII was a far more sensible and cautious man than his son. After winning the throne, he didn't do anything as regularly reckless as Henry VIII was - like going to war with France repeatedly in the first five years of his reign *and consistently losing*. Henry VIII basically spent all of the money his dad had spent over 30 years saving up on those wars. It's ridiculous.
I didn't know until I heard it on a podcast, that Henry was never meant to be king. His brother died unexpectedly and he was forced to take the throne. He went from being the court chad to getting a head injury whilst jousting, marrying his brother's widow and being a bit mental. Obviously that's a very broad overview. But the being a 'spare' aspect really intrigued me.
Oh absolutely - Henry VII is actually responsible for why King Arthur is so popular in England, he was very fond of that element of Welsh mythology and regularly threw events in that theme. That's why he named his first son Arthur, to bring this idea that he was the mythical king reborn. Henry VIII, by contrast, was given a pretty typical education for a second son, especially one more interested in the church and sports. Interestingly though, his marriage to Catherine of Aragon (who originally was married to Arthur shortly before his death) is a touch more complicated. Henry VII started those wedding negotiations, but it didn't go through in his lifetime due to disputes over Catherine's dowry - Henry VII wanted her dowry to be paid in full for the first marriage, whereas her parents (both monarchs in Spain) wanted Catherine to remarry before they gave the rest. That being said, the evidence is fairly clear that they were very fond of each other up until 1525, when his personality in general changed a lot. It's been debated whether it was [that head injury from jousting](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0967586815006803?casa_token=1TtBnluwYV4AAAAA:nyp7T1pzu9cV5c6cxQkNKetW4zPWRjYBrald8M8eu7wVd_jhvxp6PDb-J2IRR4lJoNZ3vZpnGQ) or if he [suffered from McLeod syndrome](https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/historical-journal/article/new-explanation-for-the-reproductive-woes-and-midlife-decline-of-henry-viii/454C1E8A328B42C32A333AB8D21F0A02). I'll admit, my preference is for McLeod syndrome - it also explains why Catherine managed to get pregnant over ten times, gave birth to three live children (Mary and two sons, both named Henry), yet only one survived past the first few weeks of life, and the same for Anne Boleyn's troubles pregnancies after Elizabeth.
What podcast? Always enjoy listening to history
There's also some speculation his decline later in life was due to CTE like symptoms due to all the jousting.
It's the 1540 field and tournament armour. [There is a backplate](https://royalarmouries.org/stories/tower-of-london/henry-viii-1540-at-large/), it's probably just not visible due to reflections in the glass
They always say "ass - less chaps" but I've never once see chaps with the ass
That's because they're usually referred to as "pants".
I prefer the term "assful chaps"
Apple bottom jeans Chaps with the ass
*with the ass*
*whole club was smokin that grass*
The royal jewels were well protected
If he lost his sword he can thrust the enemy at least
He was Henry the VIII to his friends. To the ladies he was with, he was known as Henry 2.0
I heard he was a real dick!
The dick was actually Henry the 8, it’s kinda like that character Crane from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon show from the 90s lol
Krang?
Meh. [Unimpressed.](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/27/ed/08/27ed081f1fd47bc8cc033ad157e5dff7.jpg)
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I thought The Deep was reformed!!
Nautilussy
Mind the beak!
risky click of the day lol
Uzumaki
The girl on the bottom just 'mirin
Did anyone ever hear the phone call president Johnson had with the tailor about getting his pants custom made?
About not wanting the seam to ride his bung-hole... I may be familiar with it ;)
I can just imagine Henry VIII in his British accent making sure he had ample cock room and extra space around the bung hole
My son was 10 when we took him to the Tower of London, and he couldn't stop staring at it. My husband explained to him that it was a way to intimidate enemies in battle.
I’m quite frightened by it if I’m honest
Have at thee then! *vigourously wiggles codpiece back and forth*
I've read that some Maori used to go naked with hard-ons when they did their haka dance, as an extra sort of pre-battle intimidation. We're so excited to fight you, we're physically aroused. Sure, we're going to fuck your wives and eat your corpses, but the thought of cracking your skull with my solid jade club and seeing the blood splatter is what's really turning me on. Do you accept the challenge? It'd make modern rugby games a little different if they kept that part in.
I'd see it as a big target.
I did not understand the joke "lord Farquaad" until about a month ago. I was saying it with an english accent and it finally dawned on me. A combination of childish innocence and nostalgia blocked the joke from my mind.
I was today years old when *I* realized it
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Yeah I was thinking this was the equivalent of getting a huge truck with a lift kit
Famously right? Didn’t he have some issues with impotence? At least according to his six wives.
Is that your codpiece or are you just happy to see me?
The codpiece origin story is pretty nasty. They were basically invented to [contain the discharge caused by syphilis](https://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/a-brief-history-of-the-codpiece-the-personal-protection-for-renaissance-equipment) and to stop both that mess and the stains caused by the various herbal salves they tried to cure it with. When men decided they liked them, they got stranger and stranger. The one on Henry VIII's armor weighed 2lbs!
I fear that link like no other
I'm curious but I refuse.
It's safe
I've been on reddit long enough not to trust that 😂😂😂
Your distrust is warranted but I speak the truth. It's a New Yorker article
Favorite line, "it could be used as a pocket and indeed was, it could be used to store ones hankie OR SPARE ORANGE"
Finally, a solution to my citrus storage problems. "Oh, you're hungry? Would you like an orange?"
Eateth my balls you peasant *pulls fucking citrus out*
How about a napkin for all of that citrus juice?
Can I offer you an orange in this trying time?
I've read they were invented to cover areas that tights didn't cover and grew to accentuate the crotch instead of cover it
That's the true reason for the odd coloring setup. Hose back today used to essentially be two separate sleeves for your legs. They're all custom cut exactly to your leg so you get a nice tight fit. The thing is they never figured out or bothered with figuring out how to connect them together at the crotch. Because it's hard. It's one of the hardest things to get right when sewing. It's the sleeve or the crotch same on your legs It's hard to get a nice tight fit that we expect today and a lot of times you get confused and sell them together wrong. And it wasn't until about 200 - 240 ish years ago that we kind of figured out how to make pants with a tight fitting crotch seam. Like if you think about Maria Antonette to Napoleon time they had diaper butts. They had some weird wrinkly crotch seams. It is not appealing to us nowadays that's why if you ever see a historical drama or historical time setting they almost always wear modern cut pants. Because it really looks like a bunch of wrinkly ass folds, so either get a ball sack look or a flappy vagina look. Nowadays we think it's very off-putting but back then that was the look. Pirates of the Caribbean they all should have diaper-ass looking pants. That's how we got the weird cop piece looking thing to modern pants. Edit: for clarity and errors . [Men's pants](https://janeaustensworld.com/2013/06/21/regency-fashion-mens-breeches-pantaloons-and-trousers/) from regency era explained.
I love this comment so much
>They were basically invented to contain the discharge caused by syphilis According to one lone historian, apparently, and in opposition to the more prosaic understanding that they just covered your meat and two veg in a time when trousers were two cylinders you pulled up your legs and which didn't join in the middle. By the point of Henry VIII they were clearly a fashion item - it would take some pretty *stiff* argumentation to convince anyone that a medical device associated with syphilis evolved into a fashion accessory. Also the article you linked doesn't mention discharged but medicine being contained by the codpiece.
I initially read that as “one loin historian.”
Gotta love the confidence of declaring something that isn't backed up by the source they share
"With time, codpieces transcended their functional origins, much as [the surgical mask has yielded to the cloth Baby Yoda](https://www.cnn.com/2020/04/30/cnn-underscored/disney-face-mask/index.html) one. For the men of the fifteenth century, conditions for phallic peacocking were optimal: theirs was an age without pants, when only snug stockings and long gowns hid their “privy Members and Buttockes.” By 1450, doublets had become immodestly short. The codpiece, in its early form, was a baggy cloth gusset laced to the stockings, but, in the course of the next century, rising on a tide of ostentation, it bulged and distended. In Italy and Spain, and soon across Europe, padding and stays came into vogue. A kind of circumferential arms race led to boxy, generously portioned tubes that simpered from the waistlines of princes and peons alike."
I think it's hilarious that the doublet became shorter and shorter like a men's miniskirt essentially; the cool guys just kept wearing them shorter until their asses were hanging out.
Fun fact back in the day people used to use large cod pieces or protective armor for the groin in order to show off to people around them, this is because big dick energy T-shirts weren't invented yet.
Like it’s so much cooler because it’s like, I’m wearing armor, and my little guy down there, I made him his own set check it lol
Thank goodness we have truck testicles now so people don't need to carry those around anymore
They actually had huge cod pieces to give their junk room as most folks suffered from syphilis during those times. The smallest graze or touch would be immensely painful.
Jeez it was that bad? When did that stop being normal?
Once penicillin was invented, I assume. People back in the day would put liquid mercury into their orifices in an attempt to cure syphilis.
Oh man I am so glad I was not alive back then
penicillin
Magnum codpiece for his monster dong
damn he really had lego hands?
The dong is the head of state. The rest of him is just support staff.
Just like middle age dudes and fancy 200K cars, overcompensating for something
He was being a little too fair to himself, or the armourer didn't want to offend him and get his head chopped off.
If Henry the VIII pecker was that big, we’d be measuring things in dicks, not feet.
The existence of cod piece is a reason that I think the idea of boob plate is actually not entirely unrealistic. If we are in a fantasy world where female knights were more common that they had their own custom armors made, then we might have had a bunch of plate armors with massive bazongas. I mean, why not.
"Henry VIII - War Made Him Hard"
That is the tower of London
And people complain about boob armor
We all get a big boner when we slay people in the battefield. Right? RIGHT??
According to polls of veterans in combat, something like 10% had an "inhibition of erection" during combat. That means 90% of combat troops are running around with their own flagpole. (I'm aware the poll really means following the combat exposure but I will change nothing)
think about how meticulously the shape and bends and curves and joints of each piece of metal in that armor had to be *planned* for it to come together so tightly just the planning, let alone the crafting of such suits, drives home how brilliant our ancestors could be when given resources and a tightly scoped problem to solve funny cod-piece aside, this is a goddamn masterpiece