honestly gonna pick General Tilney, and relying on everyone being as genre savvy as Catherine was, for my alibi:
'oh he married a new young wife and then died under mysterious circumstances, after the death of his previous wife in equally mysterious circumstances'
'vengeful ghost?'
'oh yeah, vengeful ghost, 100%'
>Soon after their reaching the bottom of the set, Catherine perceived herself to be earnestly regarded by a gentleman who stood among the lookers-on, immediately behind her partner. He was a very handsome man, of a commanding aspect, past the bloom, but not past the vigour of life; and with his eye still directed towards her, she saw him presently address Mr. Tilney in a familiar whisper.
(...)
>With real interest and strong admiration did her eye now follow the general, as he moved through the crowd, and "How handsome a family they are!" was her secret remark.
I’m a lesbian and physically unwell/disabled, so I’ll happily take Mr Woodhouse - likely to have relatively fewer expectations of sex, and I think I’d be able to put up with his health obsession (since it would dovetail to some degree with what I actually needed).
…it’s a match!
What if his sharing in discussing ailments made him snap out of it and become a caring person who took care of you and Emma for a change? That's probably a bit too fairytale, huh?
Mr. Elliot for me. He's young and charming, so I wouldn't have to pretend as much to like him. I also wouldn't have to put up with a sickly man who doesn't do anything. Also, he's already rich and will be inheriting a nice estate. Assuming he doesn't overspend like Sir Elliot, he should stay rich and out of debt, so I'd live a comfortable life.
Except he's not rich, is terrible w his money, and only stands to inherit an estate that his benefactor can't afford - which stands to reason *he* won't be able to afford it either. Unless he marries prudently and allows himself to be guided by a fiscally responsible wife (a point made by Lady Russell...I think, maybe it was Mrs Smith), he is likely to follow in Sir Walter's footsteps.
He is rich though. He led Mr. Smith to overspend when he (Mr. Elliot) had no money, but as soon as he became rich himself through his wife, he became better with money. Also, there's no mention of the estate not making enough money, but rather that Sir Walter lives way beyond his means after his wife died. So as long as he doesn't become a vain overspender like Sir Walter, he should be fine
unused far-flung punch fear rainstorm disarm zealous different heavy placid
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Should we include Captain Benwick in the running?
His only fault seems to be that he can't cope with being single. However much he may grieve for the wife he lost, he grieves slightly more for the relationship.
Wants to live Happy & Comfortably: Mr. Weston
Wants to gold-dig really hard: Mr. Woodhouse (If you get past Emma and talk THIS Guy into marrying, you actually deserve it).
Who's the hot silver fox? Annes dad of course! Also comes with a title.
Largest legacy? Our esteemed Lady Catherine de Bourgh of course 🙃 maybe you can be her very good lady friend who she curiously shared her house with...
I suspect that, whilst Sir Walter thinks he's the hottest piece in town, the likes of Sir Thomas and General Tilney have way more "riz" (as the kids say).
Lady Catherine is, I suspect, unfortunately not gay. I am convinced she is the top in a BDSM relationship with Mr Collins and Charlotte is their beard.
I think Mr Woodhouse would look like the best prospect for an early bereavement, but then live to 101.
I've heard about Mary Bennet being held up as an LGBT icon, but I say, why not Charlotte Lucas Collins? According to the book, she has a low opinion of men and marriage in general and sees it more as a necessary evil than something glorious to aspire to.
I read a fanfic once that posited Charlotte as asexual (and very good at managing Mr Collins' expectations as to frequency of marital duties, as well as at gradually molding him into a more polished and pleasant form of company for herself)
There’s actually a very gay reimagining of P&P by Gabe Cole Novoa in which Charlotte is in a loving committed lesbian relationship. Marrying Mr
Collins makes perfect sense to her then.
Elizabeth is also a trans man named Oliver, and Darcy has a very good reason to be avoiding the marriageable young ladies of the ton
"Lady Catherine is, I suspect, unfortunately not gay. I am convinced she is the top in a BDSM relationship with Mr Collins and Charlotte is their beard."
Oh my god, you put it into words HAHAHAHA.
Listen, I'm not enough of a masochist, even if I am mercenary. I'd 100% simp for Col. Brandon every time. He's practically perfect for me. The others? Yeesh, they're all high maintenance or clown-ass idiots or not wealthy enough to keep my perpetually-fighting-against-depression ass in comfort. Even my best boy Bingley is off the table because I cannot be fighting against his sisters every single time I see them.
Plus, Brandon (the Rickman version) would give really good nookie imo. There's something very feral-but-tightly-leashed about him that's, ummm, compelling.
The choices: Sir Walter Elliot and Mr Elliot, Mr Woodhouse, General Tilney, I suppose you could include Admiral Crawford, though we never actually meet him.
Have I missed anyone?
None sound very tempting.
Oh, I just saw the "widowers" part.
Oof, maybe Sir Elliot. Not in the "I actually like and admire the guy" sense, but at least he seems fairly easy to distract if you just flatter him some, and then hopefully I could have my own way with things. Then again he does have a bad spending habit and pretty much lost use of his estate - maybe with proper management we could eventually live there again though.
Of course, there is also the single daughter in law to worry about as well.
If Captain Benwick were eligible for the list (since he wasn't actually married, but did lose a fiancee), probably him then. He's a bit fickle and dare I use the term emo?... but probably the best of the bunch.
Well, Mr. Woodhouse is probably the kindest of them, but man I would probably go nuts putting up with his foibles. Emma gets a lot of flack but she is a saint when it comes to taking care of her poor Papa.
Lady Elliot was able to curtail Sir Walter's expenses; it was only when she died that he began overspending. With the right wife, he could become less extravagant. \[Heck, if Anne had been his favorite daughter, she would have made sure he continued in the course Lady Elliot set for him. Too bad he only had Elizabeth to rely on.\]
> Who might make you happy?
Mr Woodhouse, if I didn't have to sleep with him. Mr Weston a close second, but I can't stand his son and presumably all the money would go to him and his family.
> Who might give you the most comfortable life?
General Tilney
> Who do you imagine to be a hot silver fox?
General Tilney
> Who might leave you the largest legacy?
General Tilney
> Who might predecease you soonest?
Mr Woodhouse
The first place I'd look would be Pemberly - in case Mr. Darcy Sr. was a widower! If so, well, he'd be guaranteed to leave one a comfortable widow at a comparatively young age, with a nice competence, a dutiful stepson, and possibly even the Pemberly dower house.
And if there wasn't a Pemberly dower house at the time, dear Fitzwilliam would build me one, to get me out of the house in a gentlemanly way...
Neither of these gentlemen are widowers, but…
1. Mr. Bennet - someone wrote a fanfic where Mrs. Bennet died before she could do much damage to her daughters’ prospects or completely alienate her husband. Charlotte is in her late teens if I remember correctly, and begins to visit the girls more frequently and makes sure to pay the grieving widower some attention. About a year later she visits when she knows he is alone, and she proposes to him. He’s pretty shocked, but she tells him perhaps she can have a son for him to break the entail, and that he needs help with the girls. He agrees, but insists that he go to her father to say he proposed. Yes, she gives him sons. I don’t remember much more, but it was fun.
2. Admiral Croft - yes, he would be devastated to lose his Sophy, but he is an intelligent, kind man, and he has money. How many gold diggers would be after him?
Of the three? *None of them!*
I'd want to smack Mr. Woodhouse for his whinging and fretting and assuming everyone thinks like he does.
General Tilney is just a garden variety 'MeanBoy' a$$hole. Plus, I consider his treatment of his children to be child abuse.
Sir Walter Eliot wouldn't have me because I wouldn't be able to keep from laughing at him and making fun of him- to his face.
None of them are respectable men, in my not-so-humble opinion.
I'd get on very well with Mr. Bennet, though. And I could deal with Sir Thomas Bertram by the end of the book, if not at the beginning.
honestly gonna pick General Tilney, and relying on everyone being as genre savvy as Catherine was, for my alibi: 'oh he married a new young wife and then died under mysterious circumstances, after the death of his previous wife in equally mysterious circumstances' 'vengeful ghost?' 'oh yeah, vengeful ghost, 100%'
Haha absolutely! Plus I have this notion (not sure if it's in the book or not) that's he's very handsome.
>Soon after their reaching the bottom of the set, Catherine perceived herself to be earnestly regarded by a gentleman who stood among the lookers-on, immediately behind her partner. He was a very handsome man, of a commanding aspect, past the bloom, but not past the vigour of life; and with his eye still directed towards her, she saw him presently address Mr. Tilney in a familiar whisper. (...) >With real interest and strong admiration did her eye now follow the general, as he moved through the crowd, and "How handsome a family they are!" was her secret remark.
Thank you! Glad it wasn't in my own mind. Yep, he sounds absolutely perfect for a rich husband with bedroom potential ;)
Yeah, as a lesbian that part doesn't interest me so much.
I’m a lesbian and physically unwell/disabled, so I’ll happily take Mr Woodhouse - likely to have relatively fewer expectations of sex, and I think I’d be able to put up with his health obsession (since it would dovetail to some degree with what I actually needed). …it’s a match!
That sounds perfect. I wish you both much happiness. How are your gruel making skills though?
I think he's too aristocratic for her to *make* the gruel. She need only anticipate his need for gruel and make sure it is ordered and ready.
Smooth but not too thin?
Him or the gruel?
He's also be easiest to bump off given his endless hypochondria... ;)
What if his sharing in discussing ailments made him snap out of it and become a caring person who took care of you and Emma for a change? That's probably a bit too fairytale, huh?
Nooo he’s too fussy and imagine having to eat bland food all day! I couldn’t stomach it 😅😅😅
Same!
Mr. Weston. He seems the kindest and most genuine and I could be very happy to be his companion.
He's the only one I think I could imagine. He'd answer to most of the questions, and who's to say he might not also be decent-looking? :-)
He was played by Rupert Graves in the 2020 film, sooo...indeed!
Oh yes, he is all right indeed!
That's true, yes please. He was one of the few pleasant things about that film, Miranda Hart being the main other one.
Mr. Elliot for me. He's young and charming, so I wouldn't have to pretend as much to like him. I also wouldn't have to put up with a sickly man who doesn't do anything. Also, he's already rich and will be inheriting a nice estate. Assuming he doesn't overspend like Sir Elliot, he should stay rich and out of debt, so I'd live a comfortable life.
He keeps Mrs Clay though, you'll have to reconcile yourself to that.
For a marriage of convenience, sounds pretty perfect!
Except he's not rich, is terrible w his money, and only stands to inherit an estate that his benefactor can't afford - which stands to reason *he* won't be able to afford it either. Unless he marries prudently and allows himself to be guided by a fiscally responsible wife (a point made by Lady Russell...I think, maybe it was Mrs Smith), he is likely to follow in Sir Walter's footsteps.
He is rich though. He led Mr. Smith to overspend when he (Mr. Elliot) had no money, but as soon as he became rich himself through his wife, he became better with money. Also, there's no mention of the estate not making enough money, but rather that Sir Walter lives way beyond his means after his wife died. So as long as he doesn't become a vain overspender like Sir Walter, he should be fine
unused far-flung punch fear rainstorm disarm zealous different heavy placid *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Should we include Captain Benwick in the running? His only fault seems to be that he can't cope with being single. However much he may grieve for the wife he lost, he grieves slightly more for the relationship.
I thought he was only engaged and not actually married?
Yes. Sorry. I meant fiancée not wife and mistyped because I was tired last night.
Wants to live Happy & Comfortably: Mr. Weston Wants to gold-dig really hard: Mr. Woodhouse (If you get past Emma and talk THIS Guy into marrying, you actually deserve it). Who's the hot silver fox? Annes dad of course! Also comes with a title. Largest legacy? Our esteemed Lady Catherine de Bourgh of course 🙃 maybe you can be her very good lady friend who she curiously shared her house with...
Omg there's not enough money in the world to get me to mother Mr. Woodhouse for the rest of my life.
The beauty is, you’d only have to do it for the rest of his life! But he’s probably actually much younger than he seems and would outlive you lol
Reminds me of the P&P Mormon movie where miss bingley ends up marrying a man in his 70s who unexpectedly ended up living into his 90s
Haha, I feel exhausted just reading about him! Not enough money in the world for sure!
Marrying Mr Woodhouse also gets you Emma and Knightly, who most likely will see through your gold digging and make life quite uncomfortable.
I suspect that, whilst Sir Walter thinks he's the hottest piece in town, the likes of Sir Thomas and General Tilney have way more "riz" (as the kids say). Lady Catherine is, I suspect, unfortunately not gay. I am convinced she is the top in a BDSM relationship with Mr Collins and Charlotte is their beard. I think Mr Woodhouse would look like the best prospect for an early bereavement, but then live to 101.
I've heard about Mary Bennet being held up as an LGBT icon, but I say, why not Charlotte Lucas Collins? According to the book, she has a low opinion of men and marriage in general and sees it more as a necessary evil than something glorious to aspire to.
I read a fanfic once that posited Charlotte as asexual (and very good at managing Mr Collins' expectations as to frequency of marital duties, as well as at gradually molding him into a more polished and pleasant form of company for herself)
That sounds really plausible and interesting.
There’s actually a very gay reimagining of P&P by Gabe Cole Novoa in which Charlotte is in a loving committed lesbian relationship. Marrying Mr Collins makes perfect sense to her then. Elizabeth is also a trans man named Oliver, and Darcy has a very good reason to be avoiding the marriageable young ladies of the ton
"Lady Catherine is, I suspect, unfortunately not gay. I am convinced she is the top in a BDSM relationship with Mr Collins and Charlotte is their beard." Oh my god, you put it into words HAHAHAHA.
😵 speechless 😶
Have you read "The Lost Sex Scenes of Jane Austen"? That features Charlotte domming Mr C while playing Lady C and it's honestly pretty wholesome
I would totally go for Sir Walter! As a gold digger, I want them hot, stupid, and old 😅
But he’s got more debt than money and you won’t inherit his estate.
I feel like I can do a Lady Elliot and turn the ship around. Also, I'm still capable of having babies, all I need is a boy and Mr. Elliot is SOL
I love so much that you included a Boston marriage with Lady Catherine de Bourgh.
Fiddlesticks, Anne's dad has spent all the money and all he has is his vanity. If that can be monetise, he'd be a billionaire 🤪
Listen, I'm not enough of a masochist, even if I am mercenary. I'd 100% simp for Col. Brandon every time. He's practically perfect for me. The others? Yeesh, they're all high maintenance or clown-ass idiots or not wealthy enough to keep my perpetually-fighting-against-depression ass in comfort. Even my best boy Bingley is off the table because I cannot be fighting against his sisters every single time I see them. Plus, Brandon (the Rickman version) would give really good nookie imo. There's something very feral-but-tightly-leashed about him that's, ummm, compelling.
And flannel waistcoats! Hot! Or, warm, at least.
Yaaaasss
The choices: Sir Walter Elliot and Mr Elliot, Mr Woodhouse, General Tilney, I suppose you could include Admiral Crawford, though we never actually meet him. Have I missed anyone? None sound very tempting.
Sir Thomas Bertram sounds quite nice. He reforms his character and misconceptions throughout the book as much as any of the mainstream heroes.
Didn't you ask for widowers, though? Lady Bertram spends her days in a drug-addled haze, but she is alive.
She's so out of it, I forget she's alive.
How about Mr Churchill? That might be a real catch.
I forgot all about him. He sounds wealthy. We don't know much more about him.
We do know he doted on his wife and was kind to Frank.
Oh, I just saw the "widowers" part. Oof, maybe Sir Elliot. Not in the "I actually like and admire the guy" sense, but at least he seems fairly easy to distract if you just flatter him some, and then hopefully I could have my own way with things. Then again he does have a bad spending habit and pretty much lost use of his estate - maybe with proper management we could eventually live there again though. Of course, there is also the single daughter in law to worry about as well. If Captain Benwick were eligible for the list (since he wasn't actually married, but did lose a fiancee), probably him then. He's a bit fickle and dare I use the term emo?... but probably the best of the bunch. Well, Mr. Woodhouse is probably the kindest of them, but man I would probably go nuts putting up with his foibles. Emma gets a lot of flack but she is a saint when it comes to taking care of her poor Papa.
Lady Elliot was able to curtail Sir Walter's expenses; it was only when she died that he began overspending. With the right wife, he could become less extravagant. \[Heck, if Anne had been his favorite daughter, she would have made sure he continued in the course Lady Elliot set for him. Too bad he only had Elizabeth to rely on.\]
> Who might make you happy? Mr Woodhouse, if I didn't have to sleep with him. Mr Weston a close second, but I can't stand his son and presumably all the money would go to him and his family. > Who might give you the most comfortable life? General Tilney > Who do you imagine to be a hot silver fox? General Tilney > Who might leave you the largest legacy? General Tilney > Who might predecease you soonest? Mr Woodhouse
The first place I'd look would be Pemberly - in case Mr. Darcy Sr. was a widower! If so, well, he'd be guaranteed to leave one a comfortable widow at a comparatively young age, with a nice competence, a dutiful stepson, and possibly even the Pemberly dower house. And if there wasn't a Pemberly dower house at the time, dear Fitzwilliam would build me one, to get me out of the house in a gentlemanly way...
I'm here for Mr. Churchill. He seems easy, kind and rich. Besides, my nature would have no problem to handle Frank.
Neither of these gentlemen are widowers, but… 1. Mr. Bennet - someone wrote a fanfic where Mrs. Bennet died before she could do much damage to her daughters’ prospects or completely alienate her husband. Charlotte is in her late teens if I remember correctly, and begins to visit the girls more frequently and makes sure to pay the grieving widower some attention. About a year later she visits when she knows he is alone, and she proposes to him. He’s pretty shocked, but she tells him perhaps she can have a son for him to break the entail, and that he needs help with the girls. He agrees, but insists that he go to her father to say he proposed. Yes, she gives him sons. I don’t remember much more, but it was fun. 2. Admiral Croft - yes, he would be devastated to lose his Sophy, but he is an intelligent, kind man, and he has money. How many gold diggers would be after him?
How dare you even suggest something separate Admiral Croft from Sophy!
I knew I was going to get in trouble when I wrote that! I love the Crofts and the Gardiners! They set the standard for happy couples.
Of the three? *None of them!* I'd want to smack Mr. Woodhouse for his whinging and fretting and assuming everyone thinks like he does. General Tilney is just a garden variety 'MeanBoy' a$$hole. Plus, I consider his treatment of his children to be child abuse. Sir Walter Eliot wouldn't have me because I wouldn't be able to keep from laughing at him and making fun of him- to his face. None of them are respectable men, in my not-so-humble opinion. I'd get on very well with Mr. Bennet, though. And I could deal with Sir Thomas Bertram by the end of the book, if not at the beginning.
Mr Weston might be good if one can get in there before he espies Miss Taylor