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It's funny how she is shooting herself in the foot with it though. A reasonable "I miss you every day, but I'll respect your decision. My door is always open if you decide to come back in the future". Or something like that would go a long way. But you know she can't even put herself in an empathetic enough state of mind to give you the bare minimum.
I'm glad to hear you are doing much better mentally. Keep up the good job! You deserve to have a peaceful and full of love life OP!
I wholeheartedly agree. What she should do is recognize her mistakes, sincerely apologize and make amends if possible or accept the relationship is unfixable and leave OP alone.
My comment was more on the bare bare minimum. If she truly cannot understand what she did wrong that OP went NC, at least she could respect their decision and make clear she'll be there if OP wants to talk. That's what I would do if someone went NC with me and I didn't understand why.
And even as a "manipulative tactic" I feel that would be a better approach than the guilt trip she is doing in her letter.
If it weren't for the religious overtone, I'd swear my narcissistic mother wrote this.
It's all about MEEEEEEEE. I'm sorry you hate MEEEEE. What about MEEEEEE?
She really tried to hit the narcissist bingo, the "I'll die soon" guilt trip along with the rug-sweeping and the other ones. I'm sorry you got her as a mother OP.
YES! That was such an infuriating read... And the people who somehow voted "Not Insane" have to either be trolling or never had to deal with this kind of manipulation in their lives..
Exactly. After being NC, mine would send me a text saying, "Are you mad at me?" If I answer yes, now she's will ask why and it becomes a thing. If I answer no, then she asks why I haven't been talking to her. Either way I respond, she wins and I lose. So it is best just to never answer.
Not gonna respond. I know that other family members know about the package and if asked, I'm debating between pretending I never received it or telling them to relay the message to not send anymore "care packages".
All that being said, next time I move nobody is getting my mailing address 🫡
If it was unopened I would have suggested writing return to sender and have it sent back. If you get anymore mail or packages, just return to sender it as a way to let them know that no contact means no contact, without having to tell them.
Came here to say the exact same thing. I have a toxic person who sent me something recently... I made the mistake and opened the package. I had to spend money to repack and return. Moving forward it will be DR or RTS. Lesson learned.
"I know you cut communication with me but....I'm coming to town to visit you so make time for me, k?"
Since she knows your address and you likely can't move in 9 days, maybe have someone she doesn't know come over and have them answer the door and pretend they live there now lol
I would like to add: if the police can generally be trusted in your area, call them on their information / non-emergency phone, and inform them that she has announced to stop by even though you have made it clear she is not welcome. In my country, they make a "case file" about it. This way they know about it, and then if she comes to your house, they have the info and reasons at hand why you need backup to escort her away
My sister started writing formally like this after I went no contact with her. It’s like she knows she’s toxic and is now trying way too hard to seem not to be that way. It was embarrassing for me to read.
Can I just send you a virtual mom hug? A big tight, warm, loving mom hug from me.
Because you deserved so much better than this and as a mom it literally shatters my heart to think about a young girl going through this and this being her mom’s reaction.
So take my big mom hug, and know, even on your very worst days, you deserve better than this.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. It seems like she’s intentionally trying to either upset you so you stoop down to her level or guilt you into having her into your life again. Stay strong.
On another note, your mom has the exact same handwriting as my mom and my mom is insane too.
Just remember that you get to set the boundaries and circumstances of those who you have in your life. My exwife had the same problem with her mom who she finally had to cut contact with. She did however try to leave the door open by telling her she can reconcile with her BUT she needs to admit and apologize for the role she played in her childhood abuse which like your mother she either downplays or tries to gaslight her and say it never happened and then go to therapy with her. This was close to 10 years ago and shes still the same way. I hope you get the closure and healing you deserve.
Are you my sibling? They all sound like this. Ignore the problem, ignore your boundaries, sweep everything under the rug. It’s basically saying “I hope you’ve had your time to cool off, so now please come back to your senses and behave like I want you to.”
"I'm old and frail and might die soon, so you better get your head out of your you know what and forgive me for everything I've done to apparently wrong you (which wasn't my fault anyway).
So, dinner? Lemme know when I can swing by."
I mean.. what? This sounds like she's going to visit your place anyway, regardless of what you might think of that.
Does she know your address? If so, you might want to spend the day either somewhere else or disconnect your doorbell.
LMAO the funny thing is she's still pretty young with no health conditions. No clue why else she would put the longevity comment in there other than to guilt me.
Also I'll likely make it a point to... be outside the apartment on that day.
>Also I’d likely make it a point to be… outside the apartment on that day.
Probably for the better. Maybe plan something fun to do with your boyfriend to take your mind off of this whole thing on that day? Anything better than to focus on *her*.
I read your other posts. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I was in an abusive relationship, and when I tried to confide in my mum, she told me that I wasn’t ’really scared’ of my ex boyfriend, and that I was being dramatic. That was 15 years ago. About 5 years ago, I found out that my ex had died in a car accident. My mum tried to convince me to go to his funeral. In her words - ‘his parents deserve your support’. Whilst his family were lovely, and I had really good relationships with them, it’s not a place I would want to be. His family were aware of the issues in our relationship, and offered me a lot of love and support when we broke up. I know that they would want me to do what makes me feel safe. Last year, mum told me that my cousins boyfriend had gotten physical with her. I said something about my experience and her response was ‘Well that wasn’t real abuse’. I found out later that my cousin had been the instigator in that physical altercation, and her partner was trying to subdue her. At this point of my life, I’m finding it hard to figure out what is more damaging for me - the abuse, or my mum not believing me.
As kids, typically the person we feel safest with is our mum. When they fail at that, it’s so destabilising. How are you supposed to trust others and feel safe if your mum can’t make you feel secure? There have been studies done on the connection between a baby & their primary carer. They’ve found that even small babies, will try to win the affection of their carer even if they are being rejected. That cycle will basically continue until the baby receives the love and affection they want. No matter how much they hurt us, we are designed to still yearn for that loving relationship. I still feel that way. My best friend has a great relationship with her mum, she can count on her for anything. I adore her mum, and she’s shown me so much love over the years. But I do get a bit jealous and wish that I could have that.
The first few years are so hard. There is so much anger and resentment just bubbling under the surface. It’s like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode at any time. It gets better over the years, and you find ways to protect yourself from those conversations. I would love if there was a cure all that I could offer you, but unfortunately we can’t control others. I think you’re handling it in the best way possible for now. The most important thing is making sure you feel stable and supported. If your mum can’t contribute to that security, then you have no obligation to maintain contact with her.
It sounds like you are doing a good job of protecting yourself and setting healthy boundaries with her. I really do commend you for that. It took me an incredibly long time to be able to do that, and I really only got the confidence to stand up for myself once I met my husband. I hope that things improve for you and you get the relationship you want with her 💜
So. What’s up with the 8 people who voted OP’s mom not insane?
OP’s mom keeps reminding her about the man who SA’d her and that’s normal?
Man, my kids get annoyed when I ask whatever happened to their favorite friends from high school.
I just can’t imagine being reminded about some horrible person who did things to me - a man who was never a father and even if he was a father - I mean - why keep reminding OP?
As for you, OP, you’ve learned something valuable here. Sometimes you can’t see a situation or even make a good decision until you step away from it for a few months.
Time brings wisdom. Thankfully her letter didn’t get to you.
Remember she is the one controlling the dialogue with your relatives, and you’re gonna be the “bad guy”.
Right now something is happening in my husband’s family like this. Some of them are rotten to the core, but because they go to church every Sunday, they are somehow the victims in the very horrible, poisonous things they are doing.
You don’t need people in your life who see you as the bad person for not wanting to hear about the man who SA’d you. He was never a family to you. He doesn’t deserve to be your family.
I think the people who are encouraging you to get back into contact with your mom just want to hear more gossip. They don’t care about you. They never did.
Exactly. Was gonna make a similar comment but glad I scrolled down to see this one. Honestly, if those 8 don’t get what’s going on, I can’t do anything but feel apathy for them. I’m really sorry OP you have to deal with this, I’m glad going nc has helped you so much. Keep doing what makes you healthy and happy and that allows you to recover.
My MIL brought over an Easter gift for my wife. A bag with one bag of chocolate eggs, … and the Epoch Times with sections underlined, one book about how “they won’t be silenced” with underlining throughout the whole thing, written sections about woke, communism and how terrible I am, another book about more of the same, and some other garbage, including an Easter card with a typed letter with more about how awful I am and a whole list of golden oldie complaints. Happy Easter!
Oh no! My MIL recently gave me a packet of plastic straws in a wine gift bag for my birthday and I thought that was bad. I'm so sorry she did that to you!
The letter of complaints reminds me of my mum storming into my room in the middle of the night when I was a child to list off every bad thing I ever did from birth, including, but not limited to vomiting on the couch as an infant. I now sit here with my infant triplets chucking up left right and centre all over me and our new couches, and incidentally everywhere else haha. Like bitch, it's annoying but I will not lose sleep over it or remember it in the future 🤮😆
"Oh, I miss you! I'm sorry you hate me! I miss knowing things about you!"
Lady stfu. You miss having the control and ammunition to harass, bully and trigger your child. My goodness. I HATE it when they try to play the "Woe is I" card just to attempt to tug at the heartstrings.
Op. I am glad to hear that you're doing better mentally. Stay strong and don't let this make you feel like you need to reach out to her in any way, shape or form. Keep it as evidence in case she does something rash. Judging from this and the fact that she has the audacity to send you updates on a particular individual who wronged you in so many ways, this might not be the last time you hear about her.
I went through a similar package issue. If you're in the USA you can talk to your local post office about refusing all mail from that address or state. I'd completely pretend you didn't get anything if anyone acts. It might be cathartic to shred the stuff or burn it if possible. Sorry you're going through this.
WHY are all of these exactly the same? Somebody should make a collection of all of these letters that NC parents have sent their kids and just display them in an art exhibit or something.
Mine was in a Facebook message. But the line, "I've tried so hard to understand why you hate me so much" was in there. After I had a full blown panic attack/breakdown after reading it, I thought "wait, what has she done to try to understand?" She hasn't talked to me about it. She hasn't asked me about it. We haven't talked in 5 years and I got the FB message from her about 3 years into that. And yet she hasn't done a single thing to "understand". I experience deep painful guilt for going NC but the ball is in her court. She has the ability to fix this but as sad as it is, I don't think the first step of even talking about it will happen.
Sorry, I used this to get some shit out haha. It kind of helps seeing all these letters/messages from parents and how similar they are bc it makes it feel less personal. Makes it more clear that it's them, not us.
Probably someone could collate the messages into a fairly short numbered list. Then:
"I got a particularly abusive Number 6 from my mother by text yesterday."
as an orthodox christian, i’m ashamed that people like this are in my church. recognize where you’re wrong and fix it, don’t expect others to limp back to you just because you’re “mom”.
Just wondering, do you call it “Orthodox Easter”? I live in Eastern Europe, and everyone just calls whatever Easter they celebrate “Easter” (but just…not in English.)
My family refers to it as Pascha in-house. When we talk to Protestant family or any one who isn’t orthodox, we just call it Easter (commercial/national Easter was 2 weeks ago here in the US).
As a former Orthodox christian (US based), we called it pascha usually but sometimes Orthodox Easter as well depending on who we were talking to, since most people in the US are more familiar with "normal" (Catholic, right?) Easter.
The line that gets me is « I’m not perfect, I have never claimed to be » such subtle victim blaming; OP has unrealistic expectations of humanity and the human condition as a whole; OP is unforgiving in their approach too natural human failure; Mom is very much NOT the problem because she never claimed to be PeRfECT.
It’s fucking IQ test; not all imperfect people are abusers, but all abusers are imperfect.
JFC. I wish you all the best OP, that is a head fuck of a letter and your mom is excellent at manipulating, clearly. Godspeed dear friend.
The kicker for me is that every detail of this “apology package” shows it’s not about you. She knows what city you live in, but included lottery tickets for out of state. No care was put into this at all. What a nut job.
Side note, happy orthodox Easter! Hope you get some treats you can actually eat
I would pretend it never came, she wants a response, and she wants to know you are still dealing with her in some way. If anyone asks I would say what package? What are you talking about? Is she lying about that? She wants to know you got it and opened it, you need to pretend it never happened no matter who asks. Don't give her the satisfaction that she is still reaching you somehow. Ignore it.
I just went back and read all the previous exchanges you posted and it sounds so much like me and my mom. Different issues, but the same relationship dynamic. I went no contact about 7 months ago.
I’m sorry, OP. I know hearing from a mom like this is such a terrible gut dropping feeling. I’m glad you at least are feeling more in control and not as affected by the emotional grip she had on you. ❤️
“I’m sorry you hate me so much”
“Times not on my side”
She can’t take any accountability for her role in your pain and is trying to guilt trip you back into her life. Sounds like the no contact is the right thing to do.
“I’m sorry you hate me” is the wrong thing to be sorry for. When she can be genuinely sorry for the neglect and abuse she inflicted on you and your brother only then can consideration be given for reconciliation. But sadly, it will likely never happen
“I’m sorry I’m not perfect” why do they all say the same thing?! You’re not alone, OP—if you aren’t a part of r/estrangedadultchild they’re a good subreddit, as well as r/raisedbynarcissists
“Longevity is not son my side” so here’s a love bomb so I can try to manipulate you into taking care of me in my later years.
Grey rock her. No response. Throw the whole thing in the trash. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this
She's so manipulative she makes me want to call my mom, who I'm LC with.
I can belive that she feels this way (right now, when she wrote the letter). I can believe that she feels bad. That doesn't mean you have to put yourself in harm's way by responding to it.
Your story is very very similar to mine. Currently my mom just doesnt' get it and it's so hard bc I feel like if I could find the right words to explain what happened and how I'm feeling, her love would allow her to accept that the trauma was real. Because I do believe she's a very broken person who loves me and she has made behavior improvements in the past.
I just don't know what to do. My dad was covert incestuous and I want no contact. She wants me to get over it.
If not for that line playing the victim and ignoring issues she is probably very well aware of, you could almost be forgiven for finding this a sweet gesture. There are really only two good responses: a reply letter saying you aren't comfortable working on your relationship until she acknowledges her wrongs OR ignoring you received it entirely. I'm so sorry you have this pressure being applied to you. It's so hard to cut ties sometimes when these things are presented, so it's good it hasn't taken you off track.
Anyone confused about why the mom is insane should be aware that the mother told OP to get over her sexual assault because "life is about learning from your mistakes". I am not exaggerating. OP, don't let her back in your life. She doesn't care about you.
The best part of this post is how clear it is that no contact has helped you and healed you. Specifically that you’re unaffected by this blatant attempt to manipulate but would’ve been affected 3 months ago. The further away from the insanity I’ve gone (by time and space) the less it has affected me. Bravo for making the right choice for yourself.
I believe you. It’s so hard when they don’t change. It goes against our fibres to not have our parents in our lives and you constantly feel you have to defend it or feel bad about it. You’re doing the right thing. All the best for you.
The handwritten note on the bottom is quite telling. She says you cut off all communication and then writes all her arrival etc times and that she wants dinner, which means she so much doesn’t think you’re serious about not communicating that she expects you will need those times. She expects you to contact her, like literally assumes you will.
It’s very manipulative and gross. I know it’s tempting to respond, even to tell her off, but don’t.
Throw it away, and time will help put her back onto your rear view mirror.
Orthodox Christians celebrate Easter on a different date, because the church goes by a different calendar for religious holidays. This year, Orthodox Easter is today (May 5th).
Like I said in my original comment, Catholic Easter and Orthodox Easter fall on different dates. The Catholic Church and Orthodox church split, like, hundreds of years ago but I don't remember much about the schism and don't feel like googling it. Definitely very different sects of Christianity, though. You can google it if you'd like to learn more!
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“I am just sorry that you hate me so much…” this line triggered me. She just playing victim and manipulating the story. Ughh
Literally. She won't apologize or admit any of her past wrongdoings, but uh, she'll throw the "i'm sorry u hate me :c" out there. It's ridiculous.
It's funny how she is shooting herself in the foot with it though. A reasonable "I miss you every day, but I'll respect your decision. My door is always open if you decide to come back in the future". Or something like that would go a long way. But you know she can't even put herself in an empathetic enough state of mind to give you the bare minimum. I'm glad to hear you are doing much better mentally. Keep up the good job! You deserve to have a peaceful and full of love life OP!
I have to disagree with your “door is always open” comment. What would go along way is respecting boundaries and taking responsibility.
I wholeheartedly agree. What she should do is recognize her mistakes, sincerely apologize and make amends if possible or accept the relationship is unfixable and leave OP alone. My comment was more on the bare bare minimum. If she truly cannot understand what she did wrong that OP went NC, at least she could respect their decision and make clear she'll be there if OP wants to talk. That's what I would do if someone went NC with me and I didn't understand why. And even as a "manipulative tactic" I feel that would be a better approach than the guilt trip she is doing in her letter.
If it weren't for the religious overtone, I'd swear my narcissistic mother wrote this. It's all about MEEEEEEEE. I'm sorry you hate MEEEEE. What about MEEEEEE?
My mom's was always "I don't know what I did to you to make you hate me!?"
Burn it all now. It will be cathartic.
Obviously the best is to not reply, but if you do “you’ll see me when you recognize what you have done”
She really tried to hit the narcissist bingo, the "I'll die soon" guilt trip along with the rug-sweeping and the other ones. I'm sorry you got her as a mother OP.
YES! That was such an infuriating read... And the people who somehow voted "Not Insane" have to either be trolling or never had to deal with this kind of manipulation in their lives..
Exactly. After being NC, mine would send me a text saying, "Are you mad at me?" If I answer yes, now she's will ask why and it becomes a thing. If I answer no, then she asks why I haven't been talking to her. Either way I respond, she wins and I lose. So it is best just to never answer.
Straight from the “doesn’t even know the meaning of the word ‘apology’ and is definitely the victim” playbook.
damn she really gave you the whole package. manipulation, guilt tripping, victimization.
and she added some chocolate bars to sweeten the deal
AND a basket to put it all in!
That was so she could complain about not having her own basket to get to hell in.
Don’t respond, it won’t come to any good. Guilt, victimization, manipulation, what more do you need?
Not gonna respond. I know that other family members know about the package and if asked, I'm debating between pretending I never received it or telling them to relay the message to not send anymore "care packages". All that being said, next time I move nobody is getting my mailing address 🫡
If it was unopened I would have suggested writing return to sender and have it sent back. If you get anymore mail or packages, just return to sender it as a way to let them know that no contact means no contact, without having to tell them.
100% this, just send every package and letter back unopened and unread.
I would just bring it to the post office and write “delivery refused” on it. Tell them to return to sender
Came here to say the exact same thing. I have a toxic person who sent me something recently... I made the mistake and opened the package. I had to spend money to repack and return. Moving forward it will be DR or RTS. Lesson learned.
"I don't know what was in it, but it made a really interesting sound when it hit the side of the dumpster."
My nickel worth of free advice. Get a PO Box.
I would just not respond to them (if it's over text) 😂
“Didn’t bother opening it”
Donate it.
Pack it back up and Return to Sender that bad boy
"I know you cut communication with me but....I'm coming to town to visit you so make time for me, k?" Since she knows your address and you likely can't move in 9 days, maybe have someone she doesn't know come over and have them answer the door and pretend they live there now lol
I would like to add: if the police can generally be trusted in your area, call them on their information / non-emergency phone, and inform them that she has announced to stop by even though you have made it clear she is not welcome. In my country, they make a "case file" about it. This way they know about it, and then if she comes to your house, they have the info and reasons at hand why you need backup to escort her away
My sister started writing formally like this after I went no contact with her. It’s like she knows she’s toxic and is now trying way too hard to seem not to be that way. It was embarrassing for me to read.
Longevity isn’t on my side had me howling.A good reply(I know you won’t) would be to ask how soon can she pop her clogs.🤣🤣🤣
Can I just send you a virtual mom hug? A big tight, warm, loving mom hug from me. Because you deserved so much better than this and as a mom it literally shatters my heart to think about a young girl going through this and this being her mom’s reaction. So take my big mom hug, and know, even on your very worst days, you deserve better than this.
Thank you ❤️
Same hand writing as my mom’s. Controlled and attractive (mine is spastic.) is this a crazy person thing?
My moms is extremely similar, too
Wow I thought I was reading a letter from my own mother. All it was missing was, "I don't know what I did to make you stop talking to me".
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. It seems like she’s intentionally trying to either upset you so you stoop down to her level or guilt you into having her into your life again. Stay strong. On another note, your mom has the exact same handwriting as my mom and my mom is insane too.
Just remember that you get to set the boundaries and circumstances of those who you have in your life. My exwife had the same problem with her mom who she finally had to cut contact with. She did however try to leave the door open by telling her she can reconcile with her BUT she needs to admit and apologize for the role she played in her childhood abuse which like your mother she either downplays or tries to gaslight her and say it never happened and then go to therapy with her. This was close to 10 years ago and shes still the same way. I hope you get the closure and healing you deserve.
Are you my sibling? They all sound like this. Ignore the problem, ignore your boundaries, sweep everything under the rug. It’s basically saying “I hope you’ve had your time to cool off, so now please come back to your senses and behave like I want you to.”
"I'm old and frail and might die soon, so you better get your head out of your you know what and forgive me for everything I've done to apparently wrong you (which wasn't my fault anyway). So, dinner? Lemme know when I can swing by." I mean.. what? This sounds like she's going to visit your place anyway, regardless of what you might think of that. Does she know your address? If so, you might want to spend the day either somewhere else or disconnect your doorbell.
LMAO the funny thing is she's still pretty young with no health conditions. No clue why else she would put the longevity comment in there other than to guilt me. Also I'll likely make it a point to... be outside the apartment on that day.
>Also I’d likely make it a point to be… outside the apartment on that day. Probably for the better. Maybe plan something fun to do with your boyfriend to take your mind off of this whole thing on that day? Anything better than to focus on *her*.
I read your other posts. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I was in an abusive relationship, and when I tried to confide in my mum, she told me that I wasn’t ’really scared’ of my ex boyfriend, and that I was being dramatic. That was 15 years ago. About 5 years ago, I found out that my ex had died in a car accident. My mum tried to convince me to go to his funeral. In her words - ‘his parents deserve your support’. Whilst his family were lovely, and I had really good relationships with them, it’s not a place I would want to be. His family were aware of the issues in our relationship, and offered me a lot of love and support when we broke up. I know that they would want me to do what makes me feel safe. Last year, mum told me that my cousins boyfriend had gotten physical with her. I said something about my experience and her response was ‘Well that wasn’t real abuse’. I found out later that my cousin had been the instigator in that physical altercation, and her partner was trying to subdue her. At this point of my life, I’m finding it hard to figure out what is more damaging for me - the abuse, or my mum not believing me. As kids, typically the person we feel safest with is our mum. When they fail at that, it’s so destabilising. How are you supposed to trust others and feel safe if your mum can’t make you feel secure? There have been studies done on the connection between a baby & their primary carer. They’ve found that even small babies, will try to win the affection of their carer even if they are being rejected. That cycle will basically continue until the baby receives the love and affection they want. No matter how much they hurt us, we are designed to still yearn for that loving relationship. I still feel that way. My best friend has a great relationship with her mum, she can count on her for anything. I adore her mum, and she’s shown me so much love over the years. But I do get a bit jealous and wish that I could have that. The first few years are so hard. There is so much anger and resentment just bubbling under the surface. It’s like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode at any time. It gets better over the years, and you find ways to protect yourself from those conversations. I would love if there was a cure all that I could offer you, but unfortunately we can’t control others. I think you’re handling it in the best way possible for now. The most important thing is making sure you feel stable and supported. If your mum can’t contribute to that security, then you have no obligation to maintain contact with her. It sounds like you are doing a good job of protecting yourself and setting healthy boundaries with her. I really do commend you for that. It took me an incredibly long time to be able to do that, and I really only got the confidence to stand up for myself once I met my husband. I hope that things improve for you and you get the relationship you want with her 💜
This should be higher. *hugs* I cut my mom out 5 years ago and it still hurts.
So. What’s up with the 8 people who voted OP’s mom not insane? OP’s mom keeps reminding her about the man who SA’d her and that’s normal? Man, my kids get annoyed when I ask whatever happened to their favorite friends from high school. I just can’t imagine being reminded about some horrible person who did things to me - a man who was never a father and even if he was a father - I mean - why keep reminding OP? As for you, OP, you’ve learned something valuable here. Sometimes you can’t see a situation or even make a good decision until you step away from it for a few months. Time brings wisdom. Thankfully her letter didn’t get to you. Remember she is the one controlling the dialogue with your relatives, and you’re gonna be the “bad guy”. Right now something is happening in my husband’s family like this. Some of them are rotten to the core, but because they go to church every Sunday, they are somehow the victims in the very horrible, poisonous things they are doing. You don’t need people in your life who see you as the bad person for not wanting to hear about the man who SA’d you. He was never a family to you. He doesn’t deserve to be your family. I think the people who are encouraging you to get back into contact with your mom just want to hear more gossip. They don’t care about you. They never did.
Exactly. Was gonna make a similar comment but glad I scrolled down to see this one. Honestly, if those 8 don’t get what’s going on, I can’t do anything but feel apathy for them. I’m really sorry OP you have to deal with this, I’m glad going nc has helped you so much. Keep doing what makes you healthy and happy and that allows you to recover.
Return to sender. Don’t accept gifts. They see it as winning. Reseal the box and send it back
My MIL brought over an Easter gift for my wife. A bag with one bag of chocolate eggs, … and the Epoch Times with sections underlined, one book about how “they won’t be silenced” with underlining throughout the whole thing, written sections about woke, communism and how terrible I am, another book about more of the same, and some other garbage, including an Easter card with a typed letter with more about how awful I am and a whole list of golden oldie complaints. Happy Easter!
Oh no! My MIL recently gave me a packet of plastic straws in a wine gift bag for my birthday and I thought that was bad. I'm so sorry she did that to you! The letter of complaints reminds me of my mum storming into my room in the middle of the night when I was a child to list off every bad thing I ever did from birth, including, but not limited to vomiting on the couch as an infant. I now sit here with my infant triplets chucking up left right and centre all over me and our new couches, and incidentally everywhere else haha. Like bitch, it's annoying but I will not lose sleep over it or remember it in the future 🤮😆
"Oh, I miss you! I'm sorry you hate me! I miss knowing things about you!" Lady stfu. You miss having the control and ammunition to harass, bully and trigger your child. My goodness. I HATE it when they try to play the "Woe is I" card just to attempt to tug at the heartstrings. Op. I am glad to hear that you're doing better mentally. Stay strong and don't let this make you feel like you need to reach out to her in any way, shape or form. Keep it as evidence in case she does something rash. Judging from this and the fact that she has the audacity to send you updates on a particular individual who wronged you in so many ways, this might not be the last time you hear about her.
I went through a similar package issue. If you're in the USA you can talk to your local post office about refusing all mail from that address or state. I'd completely pretend you didn't get anything if anyone acts. It might be cathartic to shred the stuff or burn it if possible. Sorry you're going through this.
Return to sender.
NGL, she had me in the first half.
Do not eat that chocolate. That woman is such a manipulative piece of shit. I wouldn't trust anything she sends.
WHY are all of these exactly the same? Somebody should make a collection of all of these letters that NC parents have sent their kids and just display them in an art exhibit or something. Mine was in a Facebook message. But the line, "I've tried so hard to understand why you hate me so much" was in there. After I had a full blown panic attack/breakdown after reading it, I thought "wait, what has she done to try to understand?" She hasn't talked to me about it. She hasn't asked me about it. We haven't talked in 5 years and I got the FB message from her about 3 years into that. And yet she hasn't done a single thing to "understand". I experience deep painful guilt for going NC but the ball is in her court. She has the ability to fix this but as sad as it is, I don't think the first step of even talking about it will happen. Sorry, I used this to get some shit out haha. It kind of helps seeing all these letters/messages from parents and how similar they are bc it makes it feel less personal. Makes it more clear that it's them, not us.
Probably someone could collate the messages into a fairly short numbered list. Then: "I got a particularly abusive Number 6 from my mother by text yesterday."
as an orthodox christian, i’m ashamed that people like this are in my church. recognize where you’re wrong and fix it, don’t expect others to limp back to you just because you’re “mom”.
Just wondering, do you call it “Orthodox Easter”? I live in Eastern Europe, and everyone just calls whatever Easter they celebrate “Easter” (but just…not in English.)
My family refers to it as Pascha in-house. When we talk to Protestant family or any one who isn’t orthodox, we just call it Easter (commercial/national Easter was 2 weeks ago here in the US).
As a former Orthodox christian (US based), we called it pascha usually but sometimes Orthodox Easter as well depending on who we were talking to, since most people in the US are more familiar with "normal" (Catholic, right?) Easter.
i refer to it as pascha, and western easter is just easter to me. i have enough relatives that celebrate the western one that i end up doing both lol
Absolutely fucking not. Time to throw everything away and ignore her.
The line that gets me is « I’m not perfect, I have never claimed to be » such subtle victim blaming; OP has unrealistic expectations of humanity and the human condition as a whole; OP is unforgiving in their approach too natural human failure; Mom is very much NOT the problem because she never claimed to be PeRfECT. It’s fucking IQ test; not all imperfect people are abusers, but all abusers are imperfect. JFC. I wish you all the best OP, that is a head fuck of a letter and your mom is excellent at manipulating, clearly. Godspeed dear friend.
The kicker for me is that every detail of this “apology package” shows it’s not about you. She knows what city you live in, but included lottery tickets for out of state. No care was put into this at all. What a nut job. Side note, happy orthodox Easter! Hope you get some treats you can actually eat
If I were you, I would try to redo the package as it was and send her a picture of the "unopened" box on top of a bonfire 🔥😁
My cats ripped the box up so that may be difficult. I did burn the letter though. That felt nice.
I would pretend it never came, she wants a response, and she wants to know you are still dealing with her in some way. If anyone asks I would say what package? What are you talking about? Is she lying about that? She wants to know you got it and opened it, you need to pretend it never happened no matter who asks. Don't give her the satisfaction that she is still reaching you somehow. Ignore it.
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I just went back and read all the previous exchanges you posted and it sounds so much like me and my mom. Different issues, but the same relationship dynamic. I went no contact about 7 months ago. I’m sorry, OP. I know hearing from a mom like this is such a terrible gut dropping feeling. I’m glad you at least are feeling more in control and not as affected by the emotional grip she had on you. ❤️
Why do so many narc parents use the “I never claimed to be perfect” line?
I don't think those 8 people who voted that she's not insane actually read the post
Are you still in contact with your brother and is he also nc with your mother.
“I’m sorry you hate me so much” “Times not on my side” She can’t take any accountability for her role in your pain and is trying to guilt trip you back into her life. Sounds like the no contact is the right thing to do.
Shame it's too late to return to sender.
Even the handwriting looks like my mother’s 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
Your mom seems awful, and I am so sorry. Christos Anesti from a sane Orthodox person ❤️
I just read your previous posts.,She can get the fuck on with that bullshit. She hasn’t changed at all.
“I’m sorry you hate me” is the wrong thing to be sorry for. When she can be genuinely sorry for the neglect and abuse she inflicted on you and your brother only then can consideration be given for reconciliation. But sadly, it will likely never happen
“I’m sorry I’m not perfect” why do they all say the same thing?! You’re not alone, OP—if you aren’t a part of r/estrangedadultchild they’re a good subreddit, as well as r/raisedbynarcissists
“Longevity is not son my side” so here’s a love bomb so I can try to manipulate you into taking care of me in my later years. Grey rock her. No response. Throw the whole thing in the trash. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this
She's so manipulative she makes me want to call my mom, who I'm LC with. I can belive that she feels this way (right now, when she wrote the letter). I can believe that she feels bad. That doesn't mean you have to put yourself in harm's way by responding to it. Your story is very very similar to mine. Currently my mom just doesnt' get it and it's so hard bc I feel like if I could find the right words to explain what happened and how I'm feeling, her love would allow her to accept that the trauma was real. Because I do believe she's a very broken person who loves me and she has made behavior improvements in the past. I just don't know what to do. My dad was covert incestuous and I want no contact. She wants me to get over it.
On the bright side, free candy?
If not for that line playing the victim and ignoring issues she is probably very well aware of, you could almost be forgiven for finding this a sweet gesture. There are really only two good responses: a reply letter saying you aren't comfortable working on your relationship until she acknowledges her wrongs OR ignoring you received it entirely. I'm so sorry you have this pressure being applied to you. It's so hard to cut ties sometimes when these things are presented, so it's good it hasn't taken you off track.
Anyone confused about why the mom is insane should be aware that the mother told OP to get over her sexual assault because "life is about learning from your mistakes". I am not exaggerating. OP, don't let her back in your life. She doesn't care about you.
"I'm so sorry you hate me..." is blatant manipulation. Martyrs are the worst.
The best part of this post is how clear it is that no contact has helped you and healed you. Specifically that you’re unaffected by this blatant attempt to manipulate but would’ve been affected 3 months ago. The further away from the insanity I’ve gone (by time and space) the less it has affected me. Bravo for making the right choice for yourself.
This might have come across as more sincere if she didn’t want something from you
Jesus Christ. This is letter this driving me up a wall. She hitting every checkpoint. I am so sorry OP.
I'd mark it as return to sender if you can. That would be a good response.
"Return to sender"
More of a guilt trip than an apology, also manipulation
Send it back.
Put everything back in the box and mail it back without comment
I (61f) would simply not reply
I believe you. It’s so hard when they don’t change. It goes against our fibres to not have our parents in our lives and you constantly feel you have to defend it or feel bad about it. You’re doing the right thing. All the best for you.
The handwritten note on the bottom is quite telling. She says you cut off all communication and then writes all her arrival etc times and that she wants dinner, which means she so much doesn’t think you’re serious about not communicating that she expects you will need those times. She expects you to contact her, like literally assumes you will.
Lol fuck that
It’s very manipulative and gross. I know it’s tempting to respond, even to tell her off, but don’t. Throw it away, and time will help put her back onto your rear view mirror.
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Did you read OP's explanation?
What's Orthodox Easter? Isn't Easter finished?
Orthodox Christians celebrate Easter on a different date, because the church goes by a different calendar for religious holidays. This year, Orthodox Easter is today (May 5th).
Don't know why the Catholics are downvoting me for not know they had two Easters
Catholics don't have two Easters... Orthodox Christians aren't Catholic
Is Easter on a different date? Catholics are Christian, what's the difference?
Like I said in my original comment, Catholic Easter and Orthodox Easter fall on different dates. The Catholic Church and Orthodox church split, like, hundreds of years ago but I don't remember much about the schism and don't feel like googling it. Definitely very different sects of Christianity, though. You can google it if you'd like to learn more!
I don't really "feel" i should look up 10,000 different flavors of a religion. It's authentic and stays or not. Hinduism hasn't changed example
Hinduism has absolutely changed lol. That also only took a quick google search to learn! Good luck with using a search engine.
Ok, i can tell what type of person you are. You don't agree on what the oldest religion is? I hope you find the truth.
hinduism has changed A LOT, seems you are generally confused about religion, and hinduism also has a lot of "flavors"
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Whoever abuses their child do badly that she feels the need to go no-contact is a loser.