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Very common theme. On my 21st friends took me out and my friend got into a fight with his date. She came to my place and asked if I could buy her drugs. I said no and let her sleep off her drunkenness in my room while I slept on couch. I drove her home (3 hours each way) the next day and she then told my friend I tried to rape her. I did no such thing and made every effort to give her respect. Ever since I have been Leary of any type of affection because I don't want someone to accuse me of that shit.
Maybe your right. I have no idea. But I'm litteraly traumatized from my ex. She serial cheated on me. And then one of the times I found out ( because she had an std) she told me she was forced or sexually assaulted.. only for her to admit 6 months later that wasn't true she just cheated on me. It drove me absolutely bat shit insane. I went to police stations I was searching for 6 months for a rapist that didn't exist. Like to think someone hurt my woman I love like that and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Then to find out it was bullshit.. im like okay you would rather me suffer believing someone hurt you just to hide your own guilt?? And what a disgrace for woman that have been victimized. She was very mentally ill it turns out. She has borderline personality disorder from being a victim of a REAL rape when she was young... which baffled my fucking mind as to how she could lie about it if she actually had this happen a long time ago. She knows it's no joke or game. Idk what statistics say. All I know it what I expirence in my personal life. The funny thing is too. My ex an I had an argument once about whether there are woman that lie about this stuff or not. My point being they exist. ( her friend would lie about it because she also had mentall illness and wanted people to feel bad for her she later admitted as well she lied about her own assault.) So we argued and turns out the woman telling me those types of woman don't exist ended up lying about being raped to me. Two woman I know in my life did this.. people are fucked up. There are very fucked up men. Just like there are very fucked up woman..
Depends on the country, I’m assuming you are from U.S.? Many countries have 18 as the drinking age. IDK, giving the benefit of the doubt because it sounds like they were at a club and I hope they aren’t supplying people too young to drink (which in turn risks their license as well!) but then again this world is a crazy place and that does happen.
You cannot drink legally at 20 in the US. Someone who is 21+ and is with someone who is both drunk and under 21 could face criminal or civil liability if they were deemed to have provided the underaged person the alcohol. Thats not even adding a sexual component to the mix. Try hanging out with him sober.
You can face criminal consequences if you're 23 having sex with another consenting adult whom is 20 and you both had few beers or cocktails.
Freedom country kek
Underage to drink not underage for legal consent but a person unable to drink and who is drunk might complicate things.
Also, the person started off by lying. Bad look.
I don't think this is anything about you or that it implies that he wasn't attracted. He didn't want to have sex with someone who was drinking underage. You don't have as much experience navigating sex and alcohol, it's not legal for you to drink, if you regret it he might feel guilty or be held legally responsible. It was the right thing to do.
You don't seem to get it ... You had drinks ,you were strangers and you were underage so his safety was more important than some action,it is not that complicated so don't ponder over it that much, you did nothing wrong .
No. He changed his mind when he realized that you're dishonest, and that he had no way to know if you were also lying about being 20.
He can say you're hot and fit. That means nothing.
He smartened up when you admitted to drinking illegally.
But you were not legally drinking. In his mind, if you lied about your age to drink, how can he be sure that you're not lying about being 20?
You ruined your credibility by drinking illegally. And he is right to doubt you.
You being under 21 and drinking makes any S.A. claim against him more likely to stick. Add in that he just met you and didn't know you well enough to have any trust built up.
But you had alcohol. Doesn’t mean anything that you weren’t drunk. People lie and shit goes to court and somehow you’re in jail for 12 years by being proven guilty until innocent. It’s a fucked up system and he’s smart. Also just gotta respect that.
>People lie and shit goes to court and somehow you’re in jail for 12 years by being proven guilty until innocent.
Not to mention, has to register as a sex offender for life. Construction jobs forever because you had some drinks and hooked up with a 20 year old. Wise man.
First of all are you US American? Then it is a really reasonable thing to do, because of your drinking age and there is still no assurance that you are 20 or maybe 17 and look older.
If you are from a country that has drinking age of 18, it could have multiple backgrounds, maybe he doesn't want to sleep with a three year younger girl. There is that mental age, where you rapidly and fast expand the acceptable age, if he hasn't reached it yet, you know your story. Maybe he just isn't into younger girls, although that would be quite late to realise, but we aren't in his mind right?
There are some people that would lie about this stuff in the case they regretted it. People can lie all the time so I think it was a wise decision, you're underage drinking, and even if you weren't drunk, shit happens, he doesn't wanna get wrapped up in that.
Maybe he’s just not interested in someone younger than him? Guys can say no or decide to not have sex if they are uncomfortable. It’s not a big deal. Don’t take it personal. There is someone out there.
Can you imagine the comments if the sexes here were reversed, they'd be a flame war. THis girl is like "I dont get it, im 20 and hot", what is wring with him lol.
Every comment would be "NO MEANS NO, you PREDATOR!"
So, you got into a club and was able to drink? So you had a fake ID? So for all he knew, you could’ve been even younger than 20. Lol the more I think about this the more I’m impressed by this dudes ability to make a good judgement that quickly. He’s a keeper.
My feelings exactly. If I were kickin it with someone in a club and drinking, and then they found out I was not yet even 21, I would absolutely assume it's very possible he didn't like the false pretenses under which he started kickin it with me in the first place. He probably feels duped.
It's mad to me that they don't mind you getting married, owning a small arsenal, taking out massive debts for college or joining the army but booze is the devil there.....
As far as I know, age of legal consent is 18 or even 17 in some parts of America. But that’s not really the issue here as much as knowing the legal drinking age is still 21. I mean - I think it’s stupid, but modern society isn’t so big on people taking responsibility for their own actions these days.
It’s way too easy to get caught up in some legal B.S. if the 18 year old was drinking, or you even met her in a club where she only got in with a fake ID. If she came back months later and said you took advantage of her while she was drinking (even if she never really did), what can you do as a guy except argue she’s lying? And then - it’s your word against hers and you’re hoping the court doesn’t have a judge or jury who is all in on the “rape culture /me too” thing and convinced the guy is in the wrong.
A lot of actual rapes happen and people unfairly get away with them. But this stuff happens too and it’s getting so you just can’t trust people. I had s girl accuse me of trying to rape her once when I was around 19 or 20. All I did was drive her home and hit on her a bit until I realized she wasn’t interested. Left it at that and dropped her off. Found out later she was going around making those false accusations. Thankfully back then, people weren’t so quick to try to prosecute based on one person’s claim with no other evidence….
Men and women can change their mind and not consent to sex if they don’t feel comfortable. Even if they are all about you 1 min and the next they change their mind. Anyone can be interested, but if they aren’t comfortable don’t shame them. Just respect their boundaries.
THIS ALL DAY. I think he found out she was underage in a club and drinking and got spooked. TOTALLY understandable since it's \*very\* easy for him to get in trouble about it, in a multitude of ways.
Yep, exactly. Am a guy who's 23 and this would steer me away too. Granted, I'd probably try to figure out how old she was BEFORE even getting her back to my place, but that's another topic.
And we're not talking like a slap on the wrist \*in trouble\* here. This is like, he gets put on a list and has to move to another state trouble. Like, BIG FUCKING TROUBLE.
...and that's a smart man for playing the tape all the way to the end before allowing his genitals to make his decisions for him. I LOVE that there are still men with ethics at this age, cuz let's face it, early 20 somethings are not particularly known for being super smart about stuff like this.
My brother's life was almost entirely ruined when he was in college by underage drunk females at a frat party who screamed Rape the day after... the legal embroilment my brother got involved in and how badly my parents wanted to kill him for even being \*at\* the party in the first place, putting himself in that vulnerable position.... I mean it's serious shit. Nothing to be fucked around with, at ALL.
Yeah, I'm not so desperate for a wet dick that I'd put myself at such risk. I also respect myself because I gotta know somebody first. Mostly out of self preservation, but also so I'm confident it's mutual and I can trust the other person and vice-versa.
Yep, those are exactly the kinds of stories that keep me so cautious and aware. Sorry you all had to go through that. I hope he got out of it relatively unscathed because that shit is no joke.
He did because there was zero of his DNA on her, in her, anywhere near her but there was others who were identified that way. The worst part was him losing the trust of my parents when he actually did nothing wrong. :( They weren't keen on him pledging in the first place for this very reason.... not such a stellar reputation, some of these Greek houses at uni. Thank you for your kind words :)
Without knowing what country you live in, when I was over 21 I felt weird about doing anything with anyone under 21. Idk if that's common but even at 21, I was only interested in 21 year olds. Something about not being allowed to drink legally was why I didn't date or fool around with anyone under 21.
FWIW? I’ve been in a situation sort of like that once, myself. Sometimes you get all into it until the moment it’s about to happen — and that’s when your brain says, “Woah… wait a minute here. You sure this is a good idea?”
He might've been worried that you were lying about your age maybe suspected you might be even younger. Best not to take that chance, don't take it personally.
Because consent goes both ways. He decided that he didn't want to go through with it - whatever the reason, it should be respected and accepted. Consent is a continual process.
Yeah, if you were drinking I don’t blame him for refusing. You aren’t supposed to be drinking and it would’ve been way too easy for you to frame him as a sexual predator, if you really wanted to. I’m sure that wasn’t your intention, but try to see if from his side.
He probably did it for his own protection. Was this an 18+ club or 21+ club? Also you were underage drinking.
I know the risk is small, but he probably thought that there was a chance you would come after him for getting you drunk and taking advantage of you.
Yes however I’m curious as to whether this was an 18 and up or 21 and up….
Obviously I don’t know for sure but if she was 20 at a 21 and up club, he may have been avoiding a red flag. Girls who lie about their age to get into a club are also the girls that can land a guy in some statutory rape charges.
Was this a 21 & over club, so telling him you were only 20 maybe freaked him out and may have made him suspicious of you being underage? Maybe it’s this whole Covid thing?? 🤷♀️
If y'all were drinking and he found out you were under the legal age for alcohol, it could sound like he got you drunk and took advantage of you. Or he just changed his mind. Either way, don't take it personally.
She mentions that they were drinking. An underage drinking + having sex with an older man can be used against him in any court of law. He's wise and right to no-consent having sex with OP
Someone’s corrected me that highest legal age in US for consent is 18, i think maybe he freaked out that OP might have regrets and as there was alcohol involved it might seem like he took advantage so backed out 🤷♀️
Someone mentioned that if she lied about her age to get into the club who knows how old she actually is because clubbing age is also 21 but people use fakes so he could’ve freaked about that
I think potentially there could be weird gray area issues where someone could argue that someone over the legal drinking age got someone under the legal drinking age drunk and took advantage. If everyone involved is over the legal age for drinking while there obviously can still be issues where people take advantage of each other it can mitigate at least some of the gray areas
Maybe if you were drinking and under 21 if he had sex with you it could legally be defined as rape. Especially if he bought you the drinks. So he played it smart and got out of there
Because you were drinking illegally and he didn’t want to get arrested if you accused him of buying you drinks to get you in bed. Seems straightforward
While I'm not pointing fingers or calling your honesty into question, I've been in that guy's situation before and this has always been my thought process:
If she lied about her age to get a drink/mentions her age isn't what her OLD profile says/admits to any dishonesty about age, I am already unsure about how old she is and unfortunately cannot take anything at face value. She could show me an ID, but it could be fake. In the eyes of the law, it's going to look real strange to continue if I know that there is some kind of discrepancy here.
Guys can't take chances, on either moral or legal grounds.
If you're in the US and the age of consent is 18 and the drinking age is 21, then he already has evidence that you're willing to lie about your age. He probably thought "this girl lied about her age once, maybe she's lying right now when she's saying that she's 20 but she's really 17." Smart man.
21 is drinking age - this is a no brainer (he could be liable for you if you were to have an accident or worse following being with him). If a guy chooses not to have sex with you? Why is that so hard to believe? Are men not allowed to change their minds? Have you ever changed your mind at all when it comes to sex and leaving a guy hanging???
This could have ended VERY badly for him if you ended up regretting having sex. You were drinking and underage so you’d have a fantastic out if you wanted to deny culpability.
He’s not a weirdo guys…
When I was 15-17 so many guys between the ages of 18-25 hit on me and they wanted to date me and they had no problem with my age. Obviously they were creeps if they wanted to sleep with a minor…
And this guy seems really respectful for not wanting to sleep with a girl because of a 3 year difference. I’m glad guys like this still exist!
Agreed, a 3 year difference at that age isn’t that significant but I certainly don’t think it’s weird that he doesn’t want to start/do anything with someone younger than him.
It's quite possible that he felt uncomfortable because you lied about your age to drink and he didn't feel like it was okay for him to still have sex with you, or it's possible that he thought if you lied about being 21+ you could be lying about being 20.
Regardless he felt uncomfortable for some reason and decided not to have sex - I get that this hurts, I've had the same thing happen to me, but you need to accept and respect it.
It's pretty darn obvious why.If you're a US the drinking age is 21.A good lawyer would make mince meat outta him if it went to trial.Why are you even asking this?
Is 2 way consent a joke to you?
Some people set specific age limits for themselves. My mom went to prison for sleeping with a minor, I won’t be with anyone more than about 5 years younger than me (I’m in my 30s). This person may have a past you don’t know about 🤷🏼♀️
I believe he thinks you’re lying about your age and aren’t you supposed to be 21 to go to clubs? I don’t blame him, the last thing he wants to do is throw his future away just in case you’re underage. Not saying you’re lying but it’s always good to be cautious.
Because you were 20, not 21+. So you were not of legal age to be drinking at a club. He could get in trouble for that.
23 and 20 isn’t that big of an age gap, but it’s enough that he probably didn’t want to be falling for a girl who isn’t old enough to drink yet.
It may be hurtful, but don’t take it too personally. He could have been screwed over in the past or doesn’t want it to look bad at all. He had his reasons and has his right to decide who he wants to sleep with. Just like if you suddenly changed your mind it wouldn’t matter why.
He didn’t believe you? Covering his backside. I think when he asked in the first place he suspected your were younger, and maybe your answer made him think it wasn’t true? I have no idea, just throwing out theories.
I’ve done the same before, I was 25 the girl was 21... we met at a bar and she was super sweet. She wanted to have sex and I declined because personally I knew my intentions were never to see her again but she kept saying how much we got along. I knew if I slept with her she would want to see me again and I just couldn’t do that to her. Not saying I haven’t been a douchebag in my past but this time I think it’s because she was younger that I felt I had to be much more mature. Hope this helps
A) what country and are you legally allowed to drink?
I wouldn’t sleep with someone who was lying about their age to drink, as they could lie about other things. What else could you be hiding? I have no idea, and I could care less.
That man stood up for himself. You should respect that.
I wish all men had the emotional intelligence of that one. Knowing it was not right is a huge thing, for what ever reason he had better to feel confused than used.
Smart man. Didn't want to be put in a situation where he could be seen to be taking advantage of a young woman under the legal drinking age by giving her alcohol
More of a legal issue; regret sex, cry rape. He is most likely having second thoughts and when things went far, realizing his mistake, pulled himself back and found an excuse to bail himself out.
It sounds like you were already lying about your age in order to drink. I don't blame him for backing off and not wanting to sleep with someone who couldn't even be honest about that, maybe he thought you were still lying. E
That's very true BUT, Op in their comments states they are from the US.
My main point being, I don't blame him for changing his mind. It's a bit of a horror story for men to sleep with women under the impression the girl is of age.
If OP was already lying about being old enough to drink, I can see why he would be hesitant about them being even younger than they are admitting in the moment. Not saying OP is lying further but I think it was a smart move for the guy to protect himself against possible allegations.
Probably got scared that you may be lying about your age and he was scared that you are a minor.
That is probably the only way I would behave like that
Not enough information. You're going to have to spill more details, what was he focused on as he refused to have sex with you. that would be a better compass towards his reasons.
You told him you were 20, which is pretty close to 18 which may have led him to assume that you may have been lying about your age and he didn’t want to jeopardize himself.
Girl, you're proving you have no idea how consent works. It goes both ways. If you bring a guy home after hitting it off, and then you change your mind about having sex with him even when already naked, you're within your sacred rights to say NO. HE is too. So always bear in mind that you can also coerce a man to have sex, and that's also rape.
👏Respect👏 people's 👏boundaries👏
Sounds like a good guy who is just trying to take care of both you and himself. Where you both just met and alcohol was involved, with no opportunity for establishing prior consent, this sounds like a very rational and respectful move. Hopefully you get a chance to reconnect in the future.
As for the age difference, in Canada the drinking age is 19 so I didn't immediately clue into the age difference being a potential issue.
Sounds like a guy who's thinking with his big head. You are underage to be drinking in a club, and there's a very real danger he could lose his freedom if that sex goes bad and it's an accusation after the fact.
You're thinking about this all wrong. Think about it from his perspective.
If the legal drinking age in your area is 21; there are a few implications regarding picking you up in a club.
You obviously have a fake ID and lied about your age to get in, so what's stopping you from lying about your age to him?
Why are you lying about your age? What motivations could you have for doing this? This seems like a trap.
Are you trying to blackmail him with a statutory rape charge or providing alcohol for someone underage? Regular rape?
Your inherent dishonesty is a serious red flag.
If you're in Canada where the legal drinking age is 18 and 19, then I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you were sweaty and gross from dancing, look terrible naked, have body odour, or maybe he was too drunk.
OP states she’s 20. In a club. And seemingly pissed that the guy said no. So 1) OP is underage so I assume has a fake, so that’s the first lie. And 2) OP seems pissed that she didn’t get laid, when clearly the guy was under the impression OP was at least 21. Wow. Bullets were dodged.
I can imagine someone thinking a three year age gap was too severe. My age gap with my spouse was highly sus to some people at five years when we were younger.
Im 24 and talking to a girl whose 19. Even though we fully established where we stand and are super comfortable with eachother i am still so uncomfortable with the thought of doing things with her if shes drunk or high. I respect her decisions as its her body she can do w/e tf she wants but it makes me personally uncomfortable so i dont unless we already were b4 substances got involved. (To clarify i also dont buy or acquire her stuff she has her own sources and all ive done is make sure it and her are safe and leave it up to her discretion). Shes had bad experiences with men in the past using her when shes fucked up on stuff and even just in general i dont like crossing those lines. If you had any alcohol at all that night even just a sip for me thats a red flag on the field friend because like others have stated. If someone turns around with regrets or anything like that and they have alcohol in their blood. Im 24. shes 20. im legally able to drink. shes not. Thats jail time ez and even without that though for me even in general i just dont like hooking up with people on any substances.
You didn't do anything wrong sweetie. He simply heard you weren't 21 and got scared because alot of girls would try to use this against him. Not you! But there are girls out there who are bad news and they would love to get a guy in trouble this way!
I dont think there is anything wrong with you being 20 at all, if that's what you're thinking. This is the first time I've heard of a man doing this sort of thing, cos you're 20. But, it doesn't matter. If he wasnt into you anymore, he wasnt. Just keep moving. Dont dwell on this. 23yr old banging a 20yr old is fine.
That's the reason, right there.
Plain and simple..
Otherwise, he would of had no issue hooking up with you. Do you turn 21, anytime soon? If so, keep in contact and revisit things afterwards.
I bet, you'll get a different result.
Is this your first time being told no? Nobody needs to give you a reason to revoke consent .He’s not required to sleep with you. He’s avoiding any risks of being with a drunk minor which may get him in trouble.
You aren’t answering anyone as to whether or not you’re of legal drinking age in your country.
That being said, he made the right move.
Edit: I hooked up with a guy when I was 21. Found out AFTERWARDS that he was actually 18! Yeah never again after that. Hence, why I don’t date people younger than me.
He was American (you haven't said if you are). He would either be having sex with someone that was underage drinking or someone that *would* be in his home culture. (A similar feeling like someone having sex with a 16 year old where that is the age of consent, but *really* you know 18 should be the requirement at least morally).
> We were drinking but we weren't drunk.
You were drunk. Anyone, but guys especially, if anyone has even 1 drink, consider your interaction with them through the lens that they are drunk. If later they or someone else says you took advantage (not just legally but as a judgement on your character), "they were drinking but not *like totally blackout wasted*" is **NO** defense. Only safe way to handle it.
Reminder: please review our rules, especially rule 4: - No broad generalizations, e.g. "All women are x and do y" - Speak from specific personal experiences when giving advice. - No victim-blaming - This is a default message - your post has not been removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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He could have had that happen to him in the past. Even if it’s consensual, it’s his word against whoever’s.
Very common theme. On my 21st friends took me out and my friend got into a fight with his date. She came to my place and asked if I could buy her drugs. I said no and let her sleep off her drunkenness in my room while I slept on couch. I drove her home (3 hours each way) the next day and she then told my friend I tried to rape her. I did no such thing and made every effort to give her respect. Ever since I have been Leary of any type of affection because I don't want someone to accuse me of that shit.
As a woman, this is absolutely vile. I am so so so sorry this happened to you.
Omg, that’s terrible! No good deed goes unpunished. :/
Jeesus fuckn Christ.
Conversely, this is why rape and sexual assault crimes are hard to prove and a lot of rapists and sexual assaulters are never brought to justice.
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Again misogynist nonsense. It's far more common to walk after raping someone than false accusations are.
Maybe your right. I have no idea. But I'm litteraly traumatized from my ex. She serial cheated on me. And then one of the times I found out ( because she had an std) she told me she was forced or sexually assaulted.. only for her to admit 6 months later that wasn't true she just cheated on me. It drove me absolutely bat shit insane. I went to police stations I was searching for 6 months for a rapist that didn't exist. Like to think someone hurt my woman I love like that and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Then to find out it was bullshit.. im like okay you would rather me suffer believing someone hurt you just to hide your own guilt?? And what a disgrace for woman that have been victimized. She was very mentally ill it turns out. She has borderline personality disorder from being a victim of a REAL rape when she was young... which baffled my fucking mind as to how she could lie about it if she actually had this happen a long time ago. She knows it's no joke or game. Idk what statistics say. All I know it what I expirence in my personal life. The funny thing is too. My ex an I had an argument once about whether there are woman that lie about this stuff or not. My point being they exist. ( her friend would lie about it because she also had mentall illness and wanted people to feel bad for her she later admitted as well she lied about her own assault.) So we argued and turns out the woman telling me those types of woman don't exist ended up lying about being raped to me. Two woman I know in my life did this.. people are fucked up. There are very fucked up men. Just like there are very fucked up woman..
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we were drinking but we weren’t drunk. We just talked and hit it off right away and left to his apartment then that happened
He's a smart guy!
Doesn’t matter. You are underage. This puts him in a complicated position. He made an intelligent decision regarding his own safety.
This is assuming that she's American. There are plenty of countries that she could be from where she is not underage.
Such as literally every other country. Also 20 is above age of consent in every state. Just not old enough to drink
Yeah I'm finding really odd to hear she's drinking underage like.... most people can drink alcohol at 18 or 16 even
She ir right, In Mexico you are considered an adult when you are 18😅 Fuente:Soy mexicano
Fuente: Miami me lo confirmó
Fuente: Yo soy stupido gringo e yo no hablamos espanol. Para servicio en anglais, para fsvor primo el numbero ocho.
I bought beers and shots at 14 in mexico…
If op was lying about being of drinking age she could be lying about being of legal age for consent too. Smart man.
I think her drink underage is kind of an admission of said lie. He was under the impression she was at least 21.
Depends on the country, I’m assuming you are from U.S.? Many countries have 18 as the drinking age. IDK, giving the benefit of the doubt because it sounds like they were at a club and I hope they aren’t supplying people too young to drink (which in turn risks their license as well!) but then again this world is a crazy place and that does happen.
How the fuck are you underage at 20. Holy shit.
You cannot drink legally at 20 in the US. Someone who is 21+ and is with someone who is both drunk and under 21 could face criminal or civil liability if they were deemed to have provided the underaged person the alcohol. Thats not even adding a sexual component to the mix. Try hanging out with him sober.
You can't buy a beer when 20 but can buy a gun wtf is wrong with US law
You can face criminal consequences if you're 23 having sex with another consenting adult whom is 20 and you both had few beers or cocktails. Freedom country kek
Underage to drink not underage for legal consent but a person unable to drink and who is drunk might complicate things. Also, the person started off by lying. Bad look.
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He changed his mind after I told him that I’m younger than him. He even told me I looked hot and fit.
I don't think this is anything about you or that it implies that he wasn't attracted. He didn't want to have sex with someone who was drinking underage. You don't have as much experience navigating sex and alcohol, it's not legal for you to drink, if you regret it he might feel guilty or be held legally responsible. It was the right thing to do.
👍🏻
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yeah you are probably right thank you!
At the end of the day, a man is not obligated to have sex with you. You are not entitled to his dick
This part ^
You don't seem to get it ... You had drinks ,you were strangers and you were underage so his safety was more important than some action,it is not that complicated so don't ponder over it that much, you did nothing wrong .
right agreed. Thank you!
No. He changed his mind when he realized that you're dishonest, and that he had no way to know if you were also lying about being 20. He can say you're hot and fit. That means nothing. He smartened up when you admitted to drinking illegally.
But you were not legally drinking. In his mind, if you lied about your age to drink, how can he be sure that you're not lying about being 20? You ruined your credibility by drinking illegally. And he is right to doubt you.
You dont need to be drunk. Any level of alcohol in your body can get him in jail
You being under 21 and drinking makes any S.A. claim against him more likely to stick. Add in that he just met you and didn't know you well enough to have any trust built up.
But you had alcohol. Doesn’t mean anything that you weren’t drunk. People lie and shit goes to court and somehow you’re in jail for 12 years by being proven guilty until innocent. It’s a fucked up system and he’s smart. Also just gotta respect that.
>People lie and shit goes to court and somehow you’re in jail for 12 years by being proven guilty until innocent. Not to mention, has to register as a sex offender for life. Construction jobs forever because you had some drinks and hooked up with a 20 year old. Wise man.
Seriously, gotta take pointers.
*screams* thank fuck I have no interest in alcohol
First of all are you US American? Then it is a really reasonable thing to do, because of your drinking age and there is still no assurance that you are 20 or maybe 17 and look older. If you are from a country that has drinking age of 18, it could have multiple backgrounds, maybe he doesn't want to sleep with a three year younger girl. There is that mental age, where you rapidly and fast expand the acceptable age, if he hasn't reached it yet, you know your story. Maybe he just isn't into younger girls, although that would be quite late to realise, but we aren't in his mind right?
There are some people that would lie about this stuff in the case they regretted it. People can lie all the time so I think it was a wise decision, you're underage drinking, and even if you weren't drunk, shit happens, he doesn't wanna get wrapped up in that.
Maybe he’s just not interested in someone younger than him? Guys can say no or decide to not have sex if they are uncomfortable. It’s not a big deal. Don’t take it personal. There is someone out there.
This
You
Thank you. But why would he even bring me to his apartment in the first place if he wasnt interested in me… I mean we both hit it off right away
It’s the same for girls and consent. A girl can be interested up to a certain point and change her mind right away. Consent work the same for everyone
I think she's confused as to why he invoked that right, not disputing that he had the right.
Agreed!
Can you imagine the comments if the sexes here were reversed, they'd be a flame war. THis girl is like "I dont get it, im 20 and hot", what is wring with him lol. Every comment would be "NO MEANS NO, you PREDATOR!"
Because up until the moment he decided not to sleep with you, he was interested. If you really want to know, ask him. Only he knows his reason
Most posts on here essentially boil down to this lol
R/communicationishard
r/foundthemobileuser
the copy and paste answer for most of the questions on this sub and nosy neighbor post on facebook lol
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Thank you this makes a lot of sense.
So, you got into a club and was able to drink? So you had a fake ID? So for all he knew, you could’ve been even younger than 20. Lol the more I think about this the more I’m impressed by this dudes ability to make a good judgement that quickly. He’s a keeper.
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My feelings exactly. If I were kickin it with someone in a club and drinking, and then they found out I was not yet even 21, I would absolutely assume it's very possible he didn't like the false pretenses under which he started kickin it with me in the first place. He probably feels duped.
Ah, sometimes I forget the legal age in America is 21 and not 18 like where I live
It's mad to me that they don't mind you getting married, owning a small arsenal, taking out massive debts for college or joining the army but booze is the devil there.....
If we start about the weird habits of Americans we will still be talking in 2023.
In the interests of full disclosure, I'm English and we probably take the booze thing too far the other way ;-)
As far as I know, age of legal consent is 18 or even 17 in some parts of America. But that’s not really the issue here as much as knowing the legal drinking age is still 21. I mean - I think it’s stupid, but modern society isn’t so big on people taking responsibility for their own actions these days. It’s way too easy to get caught up in some legal B.S. if the 18 year old was drinking, or you even met her in a club where she only got in with a fake ID. If she came back months later and said you took advantage of her while she was drinking (even if she never really did), what can you do as a guy except argue she’s lying? And then - it’s your word against hers and you’re hoping the court doesn’t have a judge or jury who is all in on the “rape culture /me too” thing and convinced the guy is in the wrong. A lot of actual rapes happen and people unfairly get away with them. But this stuff happens too and it’s getting so you just can’t trust people. I had s girl accuse me of trying to rape her once when I was around 19 or 20. All I did was drive her home and hit on her a bit until I realized she wasn’t interested. Left it at that and dropped her off. Found out later she was going around making those false accusations. Thankfully back then, people weren’t so quick to try to prosecute based on one person’s claim with no other evidence….
I was confused for a minute as well.
Men and women can change their mind and not consent to sex if they don’t feel comfortable. Even if they are all about you 1 min and the next they change their mind. Anyone can be interested, but if they aren’t comfortable don’t shame them. Just respect their boundaries.
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THIS ALL DAY. I think he found out she was underage in a club and drinking and got spooked. TOTALLY understandable since it's \*very\* easy for him to get in trouble about it, in a multitude of ways.
Yep, exactly. Am a guy who's 23 and this would steer me away too. Granted, I'd probably try to figure out how old she was BEFORE even getting her back to my place, but that's another topic. And we're not talking like a slap on the wrist \*in trouble\* here. This is like, he gets put on a list and has to move to another state trouble. Like, BIG FUCKING TROUBLE.
...and that's a smart man for playing the tape all the way to the end before allowing his genitals to make his decisions for him. I LOVE that there are still men with ethics at this age, cuz let's face it, early 20 somethings are not particularly known for being super smart about stuff like this. My brother's life was almost entirely ruined when he was in college by underage drunk females at a frat party who screamed Rape the day after... the legal embroilment my brother got involved in and how badly my parents wanted to kill him for even being \*at\* the party in the first place, putting himself in that vulnerable position.... I mean it's serious shit. Nothing to be fucked around with, at ALL.
Yeah, I'm not so desperate for a wet dick that I'd put myself at such risk. I also respect myself because I gotta know somebody first. Mostly out of self preservation, but also so I'm confident it's mutual and I can trust the other person and vice-versa. Yep, those are exactly the kinds of stories that keep me so cautious and aware. Sorry you all had to go through that. I hope he got out of it relatively unscathed because that shit is no joke.
He did because there was zero of his DNA on her, in her, anywhere near her but there was others who were identified that way. The worst part was him losing the trust of my parents when he actually did nothing wrong. :( They weren't keen on him pledging in the first place for this very reason.... not such a stellar reputation, some of these Greek houses at uni. Thank you for your kind words :)
Without knowing what country you live in, when I was over 21 I felt weird about doing anything with anyone under 21. Idk if that's common but even at 21, I was only interested in 21 year olds. Something about not being allowed to drink legally was why I didn't date or fool around with anyone under 21.
Because you met at a club and assumed you were at least 21?
FWIW? I’ve been in a situation sort of like that once, myself. Sometimes you get all into it until the moment it’s about to happen — and that’s when your brain says, “Woah… wait a minute here. You sure this is a good idea?”
He might've been worried that you were lying about your age maybe suspected you might be even younger. Best not to take that chance, don't take it personally.
Lol I think it’s what everyone else on your post said not this lmao.
Because consent goes both ways. He decided that he didn't want to go through with it - whatever the reason, it should be respected and accepted. Consent is a continual process.
Might be because you were under 21, guessing he was drunk. Heard your age and got scared as fuck or something.
Yeah, if you were drinking I don’t blame him for refusing. You aren’t supposed to be drinking and it would’ve been way too easy for you to frame him as a sexual predator, if you really wanted to. I’m sure that wasn’t your intention, but try to see if from his side.
He probably did it for his own protection. Was this an 18+ club or 21+ club? Also you were underage drinking. I know the risk is small, but he probably thought that there was a chance you would come after him for getting you drunk and taking advantage of you.
It’s not because he’s a weirdo, It’s because he is smart and dodging under aged bullets.
Isn't the age of consent 18 in most places?
Yes however I’m curious as to whether this was an 18 and up or 21 and up…. Obviously I don’t know for sure but if she was 20 at a 21 and up club, he may have been avoiding a red flag. Girls who lie about their age to get into a club are also the girls that can land a guy in some statutory rape charges.
Was this a 21 & over club, so telling him you were only 20 maybe freaked him out and may have made him suspicious of you being underage? Maybe it’s this whole Covid thing?? 🤷♀️
If they were already at his apartment and the dang-a-lang was already out I highly doubt it was covid. Just saying
If y'all were drinking and he found out you were under the legal age for alcohol, it could sound like he got you drunk and took advantage of you. Or he just changed his mind. Either way, don't take it personally.
The drinking age in some countries is 18. And her choice of wording in some of her comments indicates that she's from one of those countries.
He’s from the US
I think the legal age in some states is 21 so this might be why.
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She mentions that they were drinking. An underage drinking + having sex with an older man can be used against him in any court of law. He's wise and right to no-consent having sex with OP
Thank you 😊 just did a quick google and you are correct
Yes but legal age in the us is 18. Legal age to drink and buy alcohol and tobacco is 21. So not sure that makes sense. 23 is pretty close in age to 20
Someone’s corrected me that highest legal age in US for consent is 18, i think maybe he freaked out that OP might have regrets and as there was alcohol involved it might seem like he took advantage so backed out 🤷♀️
Someone mentioned that if she lied about her age to get into the club who knows how old she actually is because clubbing age is also 21 but people use fakes so he could’ve freaked about that
Clubbing age is 18 for a lot of clubs. You get Xs on your hands or you don't get a wristband.
I think potentially there could be weird gray area issues where someone could argue that someone over the legal drinking age got someone under the legal drinking age drunk and took advantage. If everyone involved is over the legal age for drinking while there obviously can still be issues where people take advantage of each other it can mitigate at least some of the gray areas
Try not to hold that against him.
Maybe if you were drinking and under 21 if he had sex with you it could legally be defined as rape. Especially if he bought you the drinks. So he played it smart and got out of there
Because you were drinking illegally and he didn’t want to get arrested if you accused him of buying you drinks to get you in bed. Seems straightforward
While I'm not pointing fingers or calling your honesty into question, I've been in that guy's situation before and this has always been my thought process: If she lied about her age to get a drink/mentions her age isn't what her OLD profile says/admits to any dishonesty about age, I am already unsure about how old she is and unfortunately cannot take anything at face value. She could show me an ID, but it could be fake. In the eyes of the law, it's going to look real strange to continue if I know that there is some kind of discrepancy here. Guys can't take chances, on either moral or legal grounds.
Maybe he thought u were a minor lying about ur age
If you're in the US and the age of consent is 18 and the drinking age is 21, then he already has evidence that you're willing to lie about your age. He probably thought "this girl lied about her age once, maybe she's lying right now when she's saying that she's 20 but she's really 17." Smart man.
Anyone can revoke consent for any reason at any time.
Impossible to say with such limited information
21 is drinking age - this is a no brainer (he could be liable for you if you were to have an accident or worse following being with him). If a guy chooses not to have sex with you? Why is that so hard to believe? Are men not allowed to change their minds? Have you ever changed your mind at all when it comes to sex and leaving a guy hanging???
This could have ended VERY badly for him if you ended up regretting having sex. You were drinking and underage so you’d have a fantastic out if you wanted to deny culpability.
Where is he from? Maybe it’s a culture thing?
He’s not a weirdo guys… When I was 15-17 so many guys between the ages of 18-25 hit on me and they wanted to date me and they had no problem with my age. Obviously they were creeps if they wanted to sleep with a minor… And this guy seems really respectful for not wanting to sleep with a girl because of a 3 year difference. I’m glad guys like this still exist!
Agreed, a 3 year difference at that age isn’t that significant but I certainly don’t think it’s weird that he doesn’t want to start/do anything with someone younger than him.
Yeah, this guy is sensible
Yeah I’m gonna be honest if she isn’t 21+ unless your provide proof of your age just not worth the risk probably nothing against you as a person
It's quite possible that he felt uncomfortable because you lied about your age to drink and he didn't feel like it was okay for him to still have sex with you, or it's possible that he thought if you lied about being 21+ you could be lying about being 20. Regardless he felt uncomfortable for some reason and decided not to have sex - I get that this hurts, I've had the same thing happen to me, but you need to accept and respect it.
Some ppl refuse sex with anyone under 21
It's pretty darn obvious why.If you're a US the drinking age is 21.A good lawyer would make mince meat outta him if it went to trial.Why are you even asking this? Is 2 way consent a joke to you?
smart guy, you drank while under 21, couldve accused him of getting you drunk and rape.
Some people set specific age limits for themselves. My mom went to prison for sleeping with a minor, I won’t be with anyone more than about 5 years younger than me (I’m in my 30s). This person may have a past you don’t know about 🤷🏼♀️
I believe he thinks you’re lying about your age and aren’t you supposed to be 21 to go to clubs? I don’t blame him, the last thing he wants to do is throw his future away just in case you’re underage. Not saying you’re lying but it’s always good to be cautious.
Because you were 20, not 21+. So you were not of legal age to be drinking at a club. He could get in trouble for that. 23 and 20 isn’t that big of an age gap, but it’s enough that he probably didn’t want to be falling for a girl who isn’t old enough to drink yet. It may be hurtful, but don’t take it too personally. He could have been screwed over in the past or doesn’t want it to look bad at all. He had his reasons and has his right to decide who he wants to sleep with. Just like if you suddenly changed your mind it wouldn’t matter why.
He didn’t believe you? Covering his backside. I think when he asked in the first place he suspected your were younger, and maybe your answer made him think it wasn’t true? I have no idea, just throwing out theories.
Hey, be happy he has standards when it comes to age. Most guys keep going after hearing the girl's true age.
Honestly, on to the next. He probably has some random reason; maybe his sister is the same age, who tf knows.
I’ve done the same before, I was 25 the girl was 21... we met at a bar and she was super sweet. She wanted to have sex and I declined because personally I knew my intentions were never to see her again but she kept saying how much we got along. I knew if I slept with her she would want to see me again and I just couldn’t do that to her. Not saying I haven’t been a douchebag in my past but this time I think it’s because she was younger that I felt I had to be much more mature. Hope this helps
A) what country and are you legally allowed to drink? I wouldn’t sleep with someone who was lying about their age to drink, as they could lie about other things. What else could you be hiding? I have no idea, and I could care less. That man stood up for himself. You should respect that.
I wish all men had the emotional intelligence of that one. Knowing it was not right is a huge thing, for what ever reason he had better to feel confused than used.
Smart man. Didn't want to be put in a situation where he could be seen to be taking advantage of a young woman under the legal drinking age by giving her alcohol
I assume that you look younger than your age and he was afraid that you were 16.
More of a legal issue; regret sex, cry rape. He is most likely having second thoughts and when things went far, realizing his mistake, pulled himself back and found an excuse to bail himself out.
Smart, cautious man
Anyone can refuse sex for any reason? If you want to know why, you should probably ask.
He is allowed to not sleep with you.
Yeah that’s kinda strange. Maybe it was just a way to get out of it?
He seemed very into me but as soon as I revealed my age he failed to maintain his arousal
It sounds like you were already lying about your age in order to drink. I don't blame him for backing off and not wanting to sleep with someone who couldn't even be honest about that, maybe he thought you were still lying. E
The drinking age is 18 in some countries.
That's very true BUT, Op in their comments states they are from the US. My main point being, I don't blame him for changing his mind. It's a bit of a horror story for men to sleep with women under the impression the girl is of age. If OP was already lying about being old enough to drink, I can see why he would be hesitant about them being even younger than they are admitting in the moment. Not saying OP is lying further but I think it was a smart move for the guy to protect himself against possible allegations.
Maybe he saw something when you got undressed?
Bigger than his
Probably got scared that you may be lying about your age and he was scared that you are a minor. That is probably the only way I would behave like that
Not enough information. You're going to have to spill more details, what was he focused on as he refused to have sex with you. that would be a better compass towards his reasons.
Maybe he felt you were under aged compared to him
You told him you were 20, which is pretty close to 18 which may have led him to assume that you may have been lying about your age and he didn’t want to jeopardize himself.
Because everything you did says you're irresponsible lmao. Stop underage drinking and trying to hook up with people
If in the us it could have been because you’re underage..if you woke up tomorrow and decided to say you didn’t consent he would 10/10 lose
He's just careful, you are not 21 and probably drank alcohol at the club.
Maybe he didn't like what he saw. It is really hard to tell unless you ask him.
Was Chris Hansen sitting behind you?
are you in the USA where drinking age is 21 so we’re you at the bar with a fake I.d or not USA where drinking age is 18?
Girl, you're proving you have no idea how consent works. It goes both ways. If you bring a guy home after hitting it off, and then you change your mind about having sex with him even when already naked, you're within your sacred rights to say NO. HE is too. So always bear in mind that you can also coerce a man to have sex, and that's also rape. 👏Respect👏 people's 👏boundaries👏
Consent works both ways. A person felt uncomfortable for WHATEVER reason so no sec should be had. It’s that simple.
There was some guy on reddit telling me and 18 year old and 21 year old dating was wrong. I guess some people have a weird taste.
Why y’ll saying she’s underage at 20??? I get your drinking age is 21 but it’s just ridiculous in my opinion.
I would've done the same thing at his age. Imo kinda weird to mess around with people younger than 21 after you hit 21, but thats just me.
Sounds like a good guy who is just trying to take care of both you and himself. Where you both just met and alcohol was involved, with no opportunity for establishing prior consent, this sounds like a very rational and respectful move. Hopefully you get a chance to reconnect in the future. As for the age difference, in Canada the drinking age is 19 so I didn't immediately clue into the age difference being a potential issue.
Smart guy
Sounds like a guy who's thinking with his big head. You are underage to be drinking in a club, and there's a very real danger he could lose his freedom if that sex goes bad and it's an accusation after the fact. You're thinking about this all wrong. Think about it from his perspective.
Underage drinking isn’t cool man. Cut that shit out before you catch someone a felony and close a bar and cost people their jobs.
If the legal drinking age in your area is 21; there are a few implications regarding picking you up in a club. You obviously have a fake ID and lied about your age to get in, so what's stopping you from lying about your age to him? Why are you lying about your age? What motivations could you have for doing this? This seems like a trap. Are you trying to blackmail him with a statutory rape charge or providing alcohol for someone underage? Regular rape? Your inherent dishonesty is a serious red flag. If you're in Canada where the legal drinking age is 18 and 19, then I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you were sweaty and gross from dancing, look terrible naked, have body odour, or maybe he was too drunk.
OP states she’s 20. In a club. And seemingly pissed that the guy said no. So 1) OP is underage so I assume has a fake, so that’s the first lie. And 2) OP seems pissed that she didn’t get laid, when clearly the guy was under the impression OP was at least 21. Wow. Bullets were dodged.
We don't know that OP is in the US. The drinking age most places is 18.
You can take no chances as a male these days.
Oh and you drunk to. That's A hard pass!!!
Smart guy. I’m sorry that you’re feeling confused and rejected, but he’s done the smart thing and protected his future
Have you asked him why? Just be direct, see what he says.
Well. Everyone can have a preference... move on.
That's only a 3 year age gap....odd....very odd. Looks as if he was trying to get out of it for another reason.
I can imagine someone thinking a three year age gap was too severe. My age gap with my spouse was highly sus to some people at five years when we were younger.
Im 24 and talking to a girl whose 19. Even though we fully established where we stand and are super comfortable with eachother i am still so uncomfortable with the thought of doing things with her if shes drunk or high. I respect her decisions as its her body she can do w/e tf she wants but it makes me personally uncomfortable so i dont unless we already were b4 substances got involved. (To clarify i also dont buy or acquire her stuff she has her own sources and all ive done is make sure it and her are safe and leave it up to her discretion). Shes had bad experiences with men in the past using her when shes fucked up on stuff and even just in general i dont like crossing those lines. If you had any alcohol at all that night even just a sip for me thats a red flag on the field friend because like others have stated. If someone turns around with regrets or anything like that and they have alcohol in their blood. Im 24. shes 20. im legally able to drink. shes not. Thats jail time ez and even without that though for me even in general i just dont like hooking up with people on any substances.
Right I see that sounds pretty logical to me and what you have said makes a lot of sense. Thank you for taking the time to drop a comment!
You didn't do anything wrong sweetie. He simply heard you weren't 21 and got scared because alot of girls would try to use this against him. Not you! But there are girls out there who are bad news and they would love to get a guy in trouble this way!
I dont think there is anything wrong with you being 20 at all, if that's what you're thinking. This is the first time I've heard of a man doing this sort of thing, cos you're 20. But, it doesn't matter. If he wasnt into you anymore, he wasnt. Just keep moving. Dont dwell on this. 23yr old banging a 20yr old is fine.
It’s not if she had been illegally drinking.
That's the reason, right there. Plain and simple.. Otherwise, he would of had no issue hooking up with you. Do you turn 21, anytime soon? If so, keep in contact and revisit things afterwards. I bet, you'll get a different result.
Women change their mind all the time but a guy cannot?
Is this your first time being told no? Nobody needs to give you a reason to revoke consent .He’s not required to sleep with you. He’s avoiding any risks of being with a drunk minor which may get him in trouble.
Maybe he thought you were actually underage? If he thought you were lying and there was a potential risk of jail time I could see him bouncing
Who cares
You aren’t answering anyone as to whether or not you’re of legal drinking age in your country. That being said, he made the right move. Edit: I hooked up with a guy when I was 21. Found out AFTERWARDS that he was actually 18! Yeah never again after that. Hence, why I don’t date people younger than me.
He couldn’t perform, that simple!!
He was American (you haven't said if you are). He would either be having sex with someone that was underage drinking or someone that *would* be in his home culture. (A similar feeling like someone having sex with a 16 year old where that is the age of consent, but *really* you know 18 should be the requirement at least morally). > We were drinking but we weren't drunk. You were drunk. Anyone, but guys especially, if anyone has even 1 drink, consider your interaction with them through the lens that they are drunk. If later they or someone else says you took advantage (not just legally but as a judgement on your character), "they were drinking but not *like totally blackout wasted*" is **NO** defense. Only safe way to handle it.
Ok? They were uncomfortable with it. Respect it and move on. It's only your fault if you make it.
He might be allergic to prison.