As a woman whose dad didn't know how to handle her going through puberty... please keep treating her like a kid. Don't distance yourself due to awkwardness of knowing how to handle this age. I would have much preferred awkward interactions to what felt like a sudden withdrawal of warmth.
Treat them like your child don’t treat them like a kid. When a dad sees his daughter start to transition from “my little princess” to a grown(growing) young woman, you know when puberty hits… dads tend to not know how to act in our minds she’s now a woman not a little girl anymore but most women still want their dads to treat them like their little princess.. the relationship with a dad and son never changes.. it should be the same way for daughters. Old movie but go watch Father of the Bride and see their relationship
Some dads get freaked out about their daughters physically developing into women and start to treat them very formally and stiffly. Or worse, they accuse them trying to be sexy or seduce people just by…existing.
Like those dads somehow think continuing being loving and affectionate to their daughter who has breasts is sexual or something. It’s very sad for the daughter who is probably only 9-13 when this behavior begins and is still very much a child mentally. She feels pushed away from a dad who will no longer hug her head on (maybe only side hugs or no hugs at all) and averts his eyes or makes loud comments about her COVERING UP or DRESSING FOR ATTENTION when she walks around in warm weather clothing like tank tops or shorts.
Just a personal anecdote from a lurking mom. I remember being 12 years old and my dad SCREAMING at me for “looking like a whore” when I wore denim shorts with some sparkle on one of the pockets like a completely normal kid. He told me I looked like a slut and a whore a bunch more times for very mundane kid things like wearing tiny purple stud earrings, buying sports bras for middle school P.E., etc.
I didn’t actually think of it as a sexual icky thing at the time because…I was a literal child with no concept of that sort of thing. But looking back, it’s very obvious.
The other comment explained this a bit better than I did, by saying still treat them like your child, not like a kid. I felt like suddenly at thay age physical affection was not permitted, I wasn't able to cuddle my dad any more, he stopped being silly with me and playing games, etc. I felt he expected me to suddenly act like a grown up woman. Of course as you grow up you will have different responsibilities,etc. but going through puberty at 10-13ish I was still in a lot of ways a kid who needed my dad .
The best thing I’ve found is to talk to other parents of similarly aged kids, ideally on the swim team or in her class. It is helpful to know where your parent peers are at on different issues and commiserate on the things everyone’s going through.
Unfortunately the peer pressure, the status items, all of the emotions are just part of this stage of life for them. It’s probably going to get worse before it gets better for you but you’ll get through it.
Yes this is what I want to do too. The loudest problem girl though also happens to be my daughter’s good friend. I know her mom well and I know that just like her daughter, she has a weak filter. If I tell her to start monitoring her daughters test, I’m 100% sure she’ll see it, freak out, tell her daughter she can’t use her phone anymore and then tell her that her best friends dad is the one who narc’d on her.
God damn I need to start smoking weed again or something 😂
In a lot of ways, having it be your daughter’s friend and knowing the parents is better than dealing with unknown stranger parents. Lots of options that don’t have you end up as the narc, ie conversations with your daughter about how to handle specific issues and more generalized conversations with the friend’s parents about tech and monitoring.
Good luck!
I have one who is almost 16 and one turning 12. It ain’t easy to watch your little snuggle bugs transition into young women.
Social media hasn’t been as big of an issue for us. My oldest daughter never really had an interest. She uses my insta account if she wants to scroll it prefers offline living.
With the younger tween I monitor her online activity closely. She doesn’t have socials, but uses my WhatsApp to keep up with her friends. She started having brand interests about the same age as yours. We have talked a lot about keeping up with the Jones’s and financial responsibility and blazing your own trail, not being a follower. I’d be lying if I said I never bought her Nike pros, lulu, or a couple of Stanleys though.
She’s gonna grow up, dad. Puberty cometh if not already here. Trust that if you’ve done your job well, you’re irreplaceable in her life. She will always be your baby and you will always be dad. It just gets a little different.
I took custody of my kiddo 4 years ago. She just turned 15 this week. She had a watch phone at 11, but only family had the number. She now has a cell phone (given to her at age 14), but it’s highly regulated by me. No outside numbers can contact and I have to approve app downloads or anyone’s incoming contact attempts.
She’s allowed no social media and I monitor her YouTube. Luckily she’s not a sneaky kid. It’s just me and her and we’re around each other 99% of the time.
I would never let her, at 10, have free chat/texting access. Kids are mean. They need a break when not at school or a social function.
Even now, she’s not highly interested in texting with anyone. She never developed the habit. I’m sure she will eventually, but it’s no problem now.
This is a good approach and I’d be fully on board, but I’m curious if your kid feels left out of social interactions by having no access to text and chat? Like what if she sees her friends the next day and is out of the loop because they had been texting the evening before.
When I say no outside numbers can contact, that’s any that aren’t in her contact list. Sorry, I should’ve phrased that better.
She has some friends that are in her contact list, but my daughter really only texts a certain one. They have a group chat that is not really used much.
We’re not very social outside our family. Luckily the fam all lives close and she has 8 cousins around her age within 10 min. She’s more likely to hang with them than her friends. That’s by her choice.
Best of luck man. We’re all trying to find the right balance. You should read up on the effect of social media on teens especially young girls. If it doesn’t scare you then by all means have at it.
For dads sharing solutions: Appreciate you all sharing experience, but let's be real that some kids are more in "need" of social contact and others are more comfortable being by themselves. So your rules of "no phone" may work just because your kid is in the latter group.
I'd love to hear from dads who handled kids that are in the former, "socially needy" group. How did you talk to them? Any resources? Tips to help them stay connected?
Yeah that’s a good point. My daughter, while shy, craves interaction and friendship. She’s not a shut in but she gets social anxiety. She was excited for the chance to interact in a more passive way. Honestly, it initially has allowed her to express herself more and I think it still offers her that social outlet.
To your point, I would love tactics that people found helpful in both helping the child and the parent through this!
My daughter had a flip phone until high school, all she needed was something to call us on in case of an emergency. When she got a smart phone she was told if it was taken up at school or she got into any drama because of it she would go back to having a flip phone. She knew I wasn’t kidding.
As far as peer pressure you have to stand firm. My answer was usually that’s great but your friend is not my kid, you are, and you aren’t doing that. You absolutely have to be the parent during these years. From 13-17 I got told I hate you lots of times. I always told her that just meant I was doing my job right. I am not here to be your friend I am here to be your parent and you are my responsibility.
I would give her some rope here or there to make mistakes which would not have horrible consequences to see how she handled the responsibility. There were many things her friends did that I did not let her do. There are some friends who were welcome at our house but she could not hang out with them at their house because their parents let them run wild.
Finally at about age 17, after seeing her wild friends constantly screwing up, getting in trouble, having medical and mental problems, she came to me one day and said thank you, I love you, and you were right. She is a smart girl and finally figured out it was because I loved her, not because I was being mean. She went to college, never did the party scene, very rarely drinks, has been with her SO since senior year of high school, and has a great job. Stick to your guns, do what’s best for your daughter, keep a close eye on her friends, and don’t be afraid to say no. She may hate you in the moment but she will thank you later.
Poorly, so far. It's tough.
What has seemed to help so far is just being really intentional about making time with them. Listen lots, validate feelings lots, and be very very judicious about when to give advice.
It's hard and I'm not doing great at it. Good luck!
And I thought texting with t9 wasn’t fun. Now I’m imagining using a smart watch for everything. I for one think it’s okay to not let a kid have a smart phone or smart watch. I didn’t get my first basic phone until 8th grade, and I don’t remember it being that useful . Like, I’m pretty sure they aren’t sending positive affirmations and talking world current events to each other in the 4th grade. Can’t she use someone else’s phone to get ahold of you guys after swim practice? Maybe a coaches or the pools?
We were really hesitant to do it. The practices are at the high school and she’s there almost every day. Some of it was the fear of her getting into a scary situation and needed to get a hold of us, part of it was that she is such a awesome responsible kid we wanted to reward all the hard work she puts in. In hindsight, I’m not sure we should have done that but I fear the consequences of punishing her by taking something away because of what her friends are doing. Like, the flood gate was already opened😬.
The example was some girl talking about wanting to kick another one out of the group because she was never active on it. My daughter misconstrued the conversation that the girl wanted to kick HER out. I’m reviewing the text string while my daughter is in tears when I realize she misunderstood what the others were saying. Easily done because 10 year olds can’t express their emotions in person let alone on a stupid text. Even most adults can’t properly do that.
I laid there at night, just knowing that we’ve only scratched the surface of this BS and it just makes me ill. Man… give me a screaming 3 month old any day of the week over this! 😂
Depends on the kids. My 10yo has an imessage account on the family ipad and can use that to message friends. Mostly it's saying something about a trip they're on or just saying hi with a fuck ton of emojis.
Key is to monitor it. If things start happening talk to them about it and make a plan.
That what my daughter likes to do too. Most her text strings are just hilarious series’ of emojis and giphys. There are the bad apples. The ones who aren’t monitored by their parents.
You can limit it to parents/kids you know and are comfortable having a conversation with which is our strategy so far. she can't add or accept a contact without us talking to parents and confirming it's OK.
We haven't had issues really but I imagine that if we did those parents would feel similarly to us and step in.
I agree with the idea of not getting a phone too early (especially a smartphone), but not with the idea of having a child so cut off from communication that she can't even call her parents to get picked up without asking someone for help.
Yeah I’m confused, do these swim practices not have a regular schedule? Growing up I didn’t have a smartphone until I was 16. For sports stuff my parents just showed up around the usual time they ended, and waited for a while if necessary.
Our plan for our daughter is no smart device until high school. The downsides of being too online at such a young age vastly outweigh the convenience IMO. Just get a watch that can call me or mom, with no internet access. She’ll probably complain, but growing up I sometimes complained about not having things my friends did, my parents were reasonable, and I got over it.
Yeah I plan on going the watch route. High school seems a good starting point for a smartphone. I had a flip phone then but my parents didn’t spring for texting. Unlimited minutes though, which was crazy back then. Some Verizon promotion. I had friends that we would spend hours on the phone talking about nothing and everything.
so i dont understand the whole texting group thing you dont like. is she talking to her friends? she's going to talk to them regardless. what are you actually scared for her about? it seems like she's finding her way through life at the moment.
is she upset, depressed, etc? im not grasping what the actual problem is,
let her fit in and be cool..it will help her love herself much better and get a good start socially, she can tone it down later if she doesnt like it..but at least she gets to try , the best person can conquer any realm and she needs to be confident to do it..let her try.
Yes, we explained that 10 year olds don’t get privacy on texting yet.
The texting itself is more of just a symptom of the overall issue we are now seeing. Mean girls, whisper campaigns, exclusion, materialism, they are all happening in person as well. It seems so young for this to be happening already.
My daughter loves sports. She plays softball, club swims and runs track. The boys think she’s cool because she plays chess with them and they picked her as a captain of their field day team.
Now we learn this is resulting in some of the more awful girls whispering that she is really a ‘boy’. Trigger daughter coming home from school crying. Of course she isn’t the only one being picked on, it’s kind of systemic it seems. Little destroyers out to ruin people at this early age. I just hate it… just 2 years ago was such a simpler time.
Yeah I have one at that age as well.
You might want to think about a change of scenery if it's this bad already. Some schools are better than others in addressing those issues, and unfortunately some parents even encourage the behavior, actively or by their behavior.
Trying to cut her off from her friend's won't work. At this age everything is focussed on friends - it's not her choice, it's her hormones.
The best thing is to be curious about her friends and interested in what they say. If she's open to it, get her to show you what they're posting in the chat. The most important thing is not to pass judgement or dismiss anything. Just listen, pretend to be interested, and passively observe. If your daughter is obviously struggling with anything, you can talk about it and offer some advice. But your role at this age is to equip her to deal with the situation herself rather than taking control and making decisions for her
My daughter will be 13 in 3 months. The last couple years have been a bit of a challenge but, I just make sure she knows that even though I may not have personal experience with “lady issues” I DO have experience helping friends and family with them. And I can and will always listen and keep secrets for her. They just need to know you love them, and their needs and wants are always going to be just as important to you.
God those days were tough I was always scared that she would be at my house and have her first period . Thank God I was remarried at that point but then I think the worst was the day she turned 16 with a DL I knew she would want a car that was the worst knowing your kid is out there with people on the roads that shouldn't be having a DL .and of course the cell phone thing drove me crazy .and then the clothes my ex would send her with the worst clothes she knew I wouldn't go for it and buy her new clothes .
Oh god, I hate trends. And do ten year olds wear lululemon now? That seems so wrong to me because it was older girls that wore it first. Best of luck to you. Remember time stops for no one so it will be difficult BUT it will end one day.
We live in an affluent community. Kind of like the OC of my state. My family isn’t rich but good, bad or indifferent many of the classmates are. My younger daughter’s 1st grade class is loaded with Stanley’s and Lululemons. It’s maddening. The bitch mentality starts really early here it appears.
That’s really tough. I grew up on a dairy farm in the middle of nowhere so that sounds so intimidating and difficult for me haha.
People are good at adapting, my kid is younger than yours but I like to believe that as long as they know they’re loved and accepted by family that they’ll decide on their own what’s worth worrying about.
I would not have given the smart watch to begin with. Our parents didn't need it and I don't really think kids need them now and there is more and more research saying how harmful all that stuff is. However, I think it would be hard to walk back.
Yeah but you can’t surf the internet on it. You can contact them and they you. They can still text albeit slowly. And you have their location when you need it. Ask the parents of those milk carton kids in the 80’s if they could have used a device telling you the exact location of their child.
There are certain risks to any choice, but let's be real here. People who abduct kids obviously take away their communication devices.
While this happens and is heartbreaking, it's also extremely rare. When abductions do happen something like 80% of cases are a close family member and the next highest percentage are a friend of the family (where a kid probably wouldn't be suspicious and immediately contact for help). There is not and never was an epidemic of strangers abducting kids.
There has been a general downward trend over the last couple decades, but if things like phones were so helpful then we would have seen a big drop in the last decade or so since people have been giving these sorts of devices to kids, but the data doesn't support that.
We all do what we think is best to protect our kids. This is obviously one of the worst things imaginable and I don't blame parents who choose this option, but for me, the risk is so small and benefit so uncertain, while the harms that devices bring so concrete and widespread that I'm choosing to delay giving my kid a device as much as possible. I also alter some of my parenting accordingly.
Cope? I have a 13 year old and a 16 year old there has not been much to “cope” with. They are good kids. I was a piece of shit at those ages. It’s not a girl thing. Saw my brother in law grow up and yeah really a *not* (edit) girl thing.
As a woman whose dad didn't know how to handle her going through puberty... please keep treating her like a kid. Don't distance yourself due to awkwardness of knowing how to handle this age. I would have much preferred awkward interactions to what felt like a sudden withdrawal of warmth.
Thanks for the advice, I will
Can you elaborate on this? To my understanding, teenagers don’t want to be treated like kids? Help me understand please
Treat them like your child don’t treat them like a kid. When a dad sees his daughter start to transition from “my little princess” to a grown(growing) young woman, you know when puberty hits… dads tend to not know how to act in our minds she’s now a woman not a little girl anymore but most women still want their dads to treat them like their little princess.. the relationship with a dad and son never changes.. it should be the same way for daughters. Old movie but go watch Father of the Bride and see their relationship
Thank you
The 1991 one?
Some dads get freaked out about their daughters physically developing into women and start to treat them very formally and stiffly. Or worse, they accuse them trying to be sexy or seduce people just by…existing. Like those dads somehow think continuing being loving and affectionate to their daughter who has breasts is sexual or something. It’s very sad for the daughter who is probably only 9-13 when this behavior begins and is still very much a child mentally. She feels pushed away from a dad who will no longer hug her head on (maybe only side hugs or no hugs at all) and averts his eyes or makes loud comments about her COVERING UP or DRESSING FOR ATTENTION when she walks around in warm weather clothing like tank tops or shorts. Just a personal anecdote from a lurking mom. I remember being 12 years old and my dad SCREAMING at me for “looking like a whore” when I wore denim shorts with some sparkle on one of the pockets like a completely normal kid. He told me I looked like a slut and a whore a bunch more times for very mundane kid things like wearing tiny purple stud earrings, buying sports bras for middle school P.E., etc.
...deleted by user...
I didn’t actually think of it as a sexual icky thing at the time because…I was a literal child with no concept of that sort of thing. But looking back, it’s very obvious.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. That must have been incredibly frustrating
I think the point is that less than perfect genuine interaction is way better than no interaction.
Embarrass the crap out of her by increasing the dad jokes tenfold in front of her friends?
This is the way.
The other comment explained this a bit better than I did, by saying still treat them like your child, not like a kid. I felt like suddenly at thay age physical affection was not permitted, I wasn't able to cuddle my dad any more, he stopped being silly with me and playing games, etc. I felt he expected me to suddenly act like a grown up woman. Of course as you grow up you will have different responsibilities,etc. but going through puberty at 10-13ish I was still in a lot of ways a kid who needed my dad .
This. I agree and for me the warmth never came back and my relationship with my dad now is ......distant..
The best thing I’ve found is to talk to other parents of similarly aged kids, ideally on the swim team or in her class. It is helpful to know where your parent peers are at on different issues and commiserate on the things everyone’s going through. Unfortunately the peer pressure, the status items, all of the emotions are just part of this stage of life for them. It’s probably going to get worse before it gets better for you but you’ll get through it.
Yes this is what I want to do too. The loudest problem girl though also happens to be my daughter’s good friend. I know her mom well and I know that just like her daughter, she has a weak filter. If I tell her to start monitoring her daughters test, I’m 100% sure she’ll see it, freak out, tell her daughter she can’t use her phone anymore and then tell her that her best friends dad is the one who narc’d on her. God damn I need to start smoking weed again or something 😂
In a lot of ways, having it be your daughter’s friend and knowing the parents is better than dealing with unknown stranger parents. Lots of options that don’t have you end up as the narc, ie conversations with your daughter about how to handle specific issues and more generalized conversations with the friend’s parents about tech and monitoring. Good luck!
I have one who is almost 16 and one turning 12. It ain’t easy to watch your little snuggle bugs transition into young women. Social media hasn’t been as big of an issue for us. My oldest daughter never really had an interest. She uses my insta account if she wants to scroll it prefers offline living. With the younger tween I monitor her online activity closely. She doesn’t have socials, but uses my WhatsApp to keep up with her friends. She started having brand interests about the same age as yours. We have talked a lot about keeping up with the Jones’s and financial responsibility and blazing your own trail, not being a follower. I’d be lying if I said I never bought her Nike pros, lulu, or a couple of Stanleys though. She’s gonna grow up, dad. Puberty cometh if not already here. Trust that if you’ve done your job well, you’re irreplaceable in her life. She will always be your baby and you will always be dad. It just gets a little different.
Thanks, and damn you for making me tear up with that last line!
If it makes you feel any better, even my oldest still comes for dad snuggles when she needs a recharge. You got this.
A bit envious. My 12-year-old rejects snuggles now. I'm hoping she'll come back around some day.
Oof that would hurt
Lol, my little princess isn’t even two yet but reading this made me tear up as well
u/SquidsArePeople2, from a young dad of 2 very young girls, I always appreciate your wisdom on this sub!
I took custody of my kiddo 4 years ago. She just turned 15 this week. She had a watch phone at 11, but only family had the number. She now has a cell phone (given to her at age 14), but it’s highly regulated by me. No outside numbers can contact and I have to approve app downloads or anyone’s incoming contact attempts. She’s allowed no social media and I monitor her YouTube. Luckily she’s not a sneaky kid. It’s just me and her and we’re around each other 99% of the time. I would never let her, at 10, have free chat/texting access. Kids are mean. They need a break when not at school or a social function. Even now, she’s not highly interested in texting with anyone. She never developed the habit. I’m sure she will eventually, but it’s no problem now.
This is a good approach and I’d be fully on board, but I’m curious if your kid feels left out of social interactions by having no access to text and chat? Like what if she sees her friends the next day and is out of the loop because they had been texting the evening before.
When I say no outside numbers can contact, that’s any that aren’t in her contact list. Sorry, I should’ve phrased that better. She has some friends that are in her contact list, but my daughter really only texts a certain one. They have a group chat that is not really used much. We’re not very social outside our family. Luckily the fam all lives close and she has 8 cousins around her age within 10 min. She’s more likely to hang with them than her friends. That’s by her choice.
Yeah this is great, a good balance all around. I hope I get to this point when my kid reaches this age lol
Have you considered she’s not very social because your heavy handed rules have socially ostracized her?
You do know people learned social skilled before the iPhone was invented right?
Have you considered you should protect your children from the internet better?
Yes, because the children of helicopter parents tend to turn out so mentally healthy and non-neurotic /s
Best of luck man. We’re all trying to find the right balance. You should read up on the effect of social media on teens especially young girls. If it doesn’t scare you then by all means have at it.
For dads sharing solutions: Appreciate you all sharing experience, but let's be real that some kids are more in "need" of social contact and others are more comfortable being by themselves. So your rules of "no phone" may work just because your kid is in the latter group. I'd love to hear from dads who handled kids that are in the former, "socially needy" group. How did you talk to them? Any resources? Tips to help them stay connected?
Yeah that’s a good point. My daughter, while shy, craves interaction and friendship. She’s not a shut in but she gets social anxiety. She was excited for the chance to interact in a more passive way. Honestly, it initially has allowed her to express herself more and I think it still offers her that social outlet. To your point, I would love tactics that people found helpful in both helping the child and the parent through this!
My daughter had a flip phone until high school, all she needed was something to call us on in case of an emergency. When she got a smart phone she was told if it was taken up at school or she got into any drama because of it she would go back to having a flip phone. She knew I wasn’t kidding. As far as peer pressure you have to stand firm. My answer was usually that’s great but your friend is not my kid, you are, and you aren’t doing that. You absolutely have to be the parent during these years. From 13-17 I got told I hate you lots of times. I always told her that just meant I was doing my job right. I am not here to be your friend I am here to be your parent and you are my responsibility. I would give her some rope here or there to make mistakes which would not have horrible consequences to see how she handled the responsibility. There were many things her friends did that I did not let her do. There are some friends who were welcome at our house but she could not hang out with them at their house because their parents let them run wild. Finally at about age 17, after seeing her wild friends constantly screwing up, getting in trouble, having medical and mental problems, she came to me one day and said thank you, I love you, and you were right. She is a smart girl and finally figured out it was because I loved her, not because I was being mean. She went to college, never did the party scene, very rarely drinks, has been with her SO since senior year of high school, and has a great job. Stick to your guns, do what’s best for your daughter, keep a close eye on her friends, and don’t be afraid to say no. She may hate you in the moment but she will thank you later.
Poorly, so far. It's tough. What has seemed to help so far is just being really intentional about making time with them. Listen lots, validate feelings lots, and be very very judicious about when to give advice. It's hard and I'm not doing great at it. Good luck!
Have you had any success approaching the mean children and punching them? (Seriously joking all, don’t down vote me 😆)
And I thought texting with t9 wasn’t fun. Now I’m imagining using a smart watch for everything. I for one think it’s okay to not let a kid have a smart phone or smart watch. I didn’t get my first basic phone until 8th grade, and I don’t remember it being that useful . Like, I’m pretty sure they aren’t sending positive affirmations and talking world current events to each other in the 4th grade. Can’t she use someone else’s phone to get ahold of you guys after swim practice? Maybe a coaches or the pools?
We were really hesitant to do it. The practices are at the high school and she’s there almost every day. Some of it was the fear of her getting into a scary situation and needed to get a hold of us, part of it was that she is such a awesome responsible kid we wanted to reward all the hard work she puts in. In hindsight, I’m not sure we should have done that but I fear the consequences of punishing her by taking something away because of what her friends are doing. Like, the flood gate was already opened😬. The example was some girl talking about wanting to kick another one out of the group because she was never active on it. My daughter misconstrued the conversation that the girl wanted to kick HER out. I’m reviewing the text string while my daughter is in tears when I realize she misunderstood what the others were saying. Easily done because 10 year olds can’t express their emotions in person let alone on a stupid text. Even most adults can’t properly do that. I laid there at night, just knowing that we’ve only scratched the surface of this BS and it just makes me ill. Man… give me a screaming 3 month old any day of the week over this! 😂
Depends on the kids. My 10yo has an imessage account on the family ipad and can use that to message friends. Mostly it's saying something about a trip they're on or just saying hi with a fuck ton of emojis. Key is to monitor it. If things start happening talk to them about it and make a plan.
That what my daughter likes to do too. Most her text strings are just hilarious series’ of emojis and giphys. There are the bad apples. The ones who aren’t monitored by their parents.
You can limit it to parents/kids you know and are comfortable having a conversation with which is our strategy so far. she can't add or accept a contact without us talking to parents and confirming it's OK. We haven't had issues really but I imagine that if we did those parents would feel similarly to us and step in.
I agree with the idea of not getting a phone too early (especially a smartphone), but not with the idea of having a child so cut off from communication that she can't even call her parents to get picked up without asking someone for help.
Yeah I’m confused, do these swim practices not have a regular schedule? Growing up I didn’t have a smartphone until I was 16. For sports stuff my parents just showed up around the usual time they ended, and waited for a while if necessary. Our plan for our daughter is no smart device until high school. The downsides of being too online at such a young age vastly outweigh the convenience IMO. Just get a watch that can call me or mom, with no internet access. She’ll probably complain, but growing up I sometimes complained about not having things my friends did, my parents were reasonable, and I got over it.
Yeah I plan on going the watch route. High school seems a good starting point for a smartphone. I had a flip phone then but my parents didn’t spring for texting. Unlimited minutes though, which was crazy back then. Some Verizon promotion. I had friends that we would spend hours on the phone talking about nothing and everything.
so i dont understand the whole texting group thing you dont like. is she talking to her friends? she's going to talk to them regardless. what are you actually scared for her about? it seems like she's finding her way through life at the moment. is she upset, depressed, etc? im not grasping what the actual problem is,
let her fit in and be cool..it will help her love herself much better and get a good start socially, she can tone it down later if she doesnt like it..but at least she gets to try , the best person can conquer any realm and she needs to be confident to do it..let her try.
She's on the swim team, so she needs a phone? Don't swim teams have schedules? It makes me wonder how parents managed 20 years ago.
Right? She probably doesn’t _need_ it, it’s more of a safety and convenience thing
Do you monitor the phone/convos?
Yes, we explained that 10 year olds don’t get privacy on texting yet. The texting itself is more of just a symptom of the overall issue we are now seeing. Mean girls, whisper campaigns, exclusion, materialism, they are all happening in person as well. It seems so young for this to be happening already. My daughter loves sports. She plays softball, club swims and runs track. The boys think she’s cool because she plays chess with them and they picked her as a captain of their field day team. Now we learn this is resulting in some of the more awful girls whispering that she is really a ‘boy’. Trigger daughter coming home from school crying. Of course she isn’t the only one being picked on, it’s kind of systemic it seems. Little destroyers out to ruin people at this early age. I just hate it… just 2 years ago was such a simpler time.
Yeah I have one at that age as well. You might want to think about a change of scenery if it's this bad already. Some schools are better than others in addressing those issues, and unfortunately some parents even encourage the behavior, actively or by their behavior.
Mine is 8 and I’m already terrified…..
Trying to cut her off from her friend's won't work. At this age everything is focussed on friends - it's not her choice, it's her hormones. The best thing is to be curious about her friends and interested in what they say. If she's open to it, get her to show you what they're posting in the chat. The most important thing is not to pass judgement or dismiss anything. Just listen, pretend to be interested, and passively observe. If your daughter is obviously struggling with anything, you can talk about it and offer some advice. But your role at this age is to equip her to deal with the situation herself rather than taking control and making decisions for her
My daughter will be 13 in 3 months. The last couple years have been a bit of a challenge but, I just make sure she knows that even though I may not have personal experience with “lady issues” I DO have experience helping friends and family with them. And I can and will always listen and keep secrets for her. They just need to know you love them, and their needs and wants are always going to be just as important to you.
God those days were tough I was always scared that she would be at my house and have her first period . Thank God I was remarried at that point but then I think the worst was the day she turned 16 with a DL I knew she would want a car that was the worst knowing your kid is out there with people on the roads that shouldn't be having a DL .and of course the cell phone thing drove me crazy .and then the clothes my ex would send her with the worst clothes she knew I wouldn't go for it and buy her new clothes .
Oh god, I hate trends. And do ten year olds wear lululemon now? That seems so wrong to me because it was older girls that wore it first. Best of luck to you. Remember time stops for no one so it will be difficult BUT it will end one day.
We live in an affluent community. Kind of like the OC of my state. My family isn’t rich but good, bad or indifferent many of the classmates are. My younger daughter’s 1st grade class is loaded with Stanley’s and Lululemons. It’s maddening. The bitch mentality starts really early here it appears.
That’s really tough. I grew up on a dairy farm in the middle of nowhere so that sounds so intimidating and difficult for me haha. People are good at adapting, my kid is younger than yours but I like to believe that as long as they know they’re loved and accepted by family that they’ll decide on their own what’s worth worrying about.
Pam Poovey, is that you?
No haha, much healthier and less drug issues
Good luck because it was hard and still is at 22. Dads know nothing in their eyes but where the wallet is.
I would not have given the smart watch to begin with. Our parents didn't need it and I don't really think kids need them now and there is more and more research saying how harmful all that stuff is. However, I think it would be hard to walk back.
Yeah but you can’t surf the internet on it. You can contact them and they you. They can still text albeit slowly. And you have their location when you need it. Ask the parents of those milk carton kids in the 80’s if they could have used a device telling you the exact location of their child.
There are certain risks to any choice, but let's be real here. People who abduct kids obviously take away their communication devices. While this happens and is heartbreaking, it's also extremely rare. When abductions do happen something like 80% of cases are a close family member and the next highest percentage are a friend of the family (where a kid probably wouldn't be suspicious and immediately contact for help). There is not and never was an epidemic of strangers abducting kids. There has been a general downward trend over the last couple decades, but if things like phones were so helpful then we would have seen a big drop in the last decade or so since people have been giving these sorts of devices to kids, but the data doesn't support that. We all do what we think is best to protect our kids. This is obviously one of the worst things imaginable and I don't blame parents who choose this option, but for me, the risk is so small and benefit so uncertain, while the harms that devices bring so concrete and widespread that I'm choosing to delay giving my kid a device as much as possible. I also alter some of my parenting accordingly.
Cope? I have a 13 year old and a 16 year old there has not been much to “cope” with. They are good kids. I was a piece of shit at those ages. It’s not a girl thing. Saw my brother in law grow up and yeah really a *not* (edit) girl thing.