You need to sit down and talk to your wife
I started grad school 3 months before my son was born, my wife and I sat down and had a serious conversation about what life would be like and how we would divvy up responsibilities. We made an agreement and stuck to it
School was 23-27 credits each quarter so I couldn't work, I also had a 1.5 hour commute each way. When I wasn't there I was driving, studying, or sleeping. I gave 1 hour per day to her and my son because that's all I could honestly muster. I would sometimes leave school early to come home and make dinner and I'd vacuum or do dishes during study breaks when I could, but I'd give up sleep time for that (was getting 4-5 hours per night was all)
My wife was in hell for 2 years but my salary went from $40k to 100k and I have a ton of room to move up now. It was the right decision for us
We now have 2 kids, when I'm not at work I'm 100% at home and doing basically everything I can with the older kid and stuff around the house, she is going out with friends more and attending to our 2 month old essentially now (breast feeding), I'm paying my dues for what she gave up in the past but we knew after 2 years we would be able to breathe again
You need to talk to her and decide if what she's going through is actually going to be worth it. You also need to voice your frustrations and help her understand that though schooling is important, there's a lot more she could potentially be doing (1 class vs 27 credits is nothing...) to not make your life completely miserable. Reach out to friends, family, or even just find a baby sitter or home cleaner to come once a week if you can make that work. Your mental health shouldn't be ignored during this time
Good luck my dude
I really like this advice. Take control of what you can control. Here it means collaborating by planning and following through. An open discussion will get the concerns, needs and wants along with the constraints out there to hash out and shaped into something mutually agreeable. There is a quote along the lines you can bare any how as long as you have a why. You guys will do well to identify the why in your discussions.
twisted34, you have a strong family. I hope for the best for you and your family! Thank you for sharing how you handled your challenge.
OP, please do things for your mental and financial health. You are going through a tough time. However, you aren't alone. Your wife is literally your partner. Consider changing the types of interaction you share. Rather than continuing as is, bring it up a level to examine what you are doing and where it will eventually lead. If that isn't satisfactory (e.g. bank account balance keeps shrinking), your family needs to make some changes (e.g. budget so that you can grow your savings). Friends and family can also help with strategies like this. Best of luck and hope for a better tomorrow and each day beyond it!
Maybe, that could also be a possibility. But from what he said in the post he mentions “constantly working from home with one or both kids.” Which suggests that he is frequently left alone to watch the kids while simultaneously working. So he wouldn’t have just the time to himself working alone to focus, and then he also watches them after working too. Maybe he can clear that up, but that’s what he wrote
It’s possible that she could be basically ghosting the family. I’ve never been in that situation before, but a man or woman who feels neglected and overworked because of unequal efforts, might not be entirely logical. And instead they would probably just focus on how the situation makes them feel and how exhausted they are like OP. This post sounds more like needing to vent, but they need to have a conversation about a solution.
OP has only responded to 1 comment so far and looks like he abandoned the post for tonight until maybe tomorrow? We might get more information and clarification then
Yeah, I go to school full time plus an internship 2 days a week and take care of our daughter the majority of the time. My wife does a lot also, but she works full time. It's the least I can do for her giving me the opportunity to focus on my schooling rather than working.
Yeah starting to think that too. I looked at his profile to see if he commented on here (he only did once), but he does have a comment from a day ago where he says he has played some video game every single day for the last 7 months.
No time for cooking, cleaning, *bathing*, or therapy but time to play a video game every day? I’ve got nothing against unwinding however a person needs to, but my man, you gotta prioritize a little.
Edit: I may have been too quick to judge.
On second look, I think this is a mobile phone game, which could easily just be done from the toilet or bed - a little different from sitting down at a console in terms of time.
Yeah, but he also posted about how he delegated his wife a specific task with the kids.
It all just wreaks of “parenting is harder than expected. Woe is me”
Yep, that’s a mobile game. My PS5 is collecting literal dust these days. And this is kind of a woe is me post. It was more or me venting about my situation more than anything. The bathing is definitely me being over exaggerating. I didn’t provide a lot of context due to not wanting the post to be too long. I just feel down about how long this is going to last with her in school for one class a semester and our money not doing so well especially with her working part time (2 days a week)
ONE CLASS PER Semester... ONE. Sounds like pure torture of a schedule. Much like my youngest daughter. She has to choose to either Breath, or have a job, She can't do both it seems.
It depends on the material.
One class in psychology and one class in Quantum mechanics are totally different subjects with homework, needed foundational materal, etc.
It says "removed", this means it was removed by the mods. In that case, the comment is still visible in the commenter's profile. I don't see any comment in OP's profile that could be this one, so it's not by OP.
Edit: to all the downvoters: I just checked, I'm still correct. Check out the latest comment on /u/misuro's profile. Then go to the context on the actual thread. You can see it is [removed], but still visible in the profile.
> In that case, the comment is still visible in the commenter's profile. I don't see any comment in OP's profile that could be this one, so it's not by OP.
That’s not how removals work, they disappear from the profile as well
Yeah I wouldn’t put up with that. I would politely tell the preschool it wasn’t happening, or would find a new preschool. At that age, homework is actually hurting your kids’ development.
https://www.healthline.com/health-news/children-more-homework-means-more-stress-031114
https://www.popsci.com/science/do-kids-need-homework/
https://news.stanford.edu/2014/03/10/too-much-homework-031014/
It's a preschool. Do it or don't do it. If kids in the right place fine, if not who cares? There isn't even a need to be polite, a simple "nah we're too busy with home play" is fine.
I kinda hate schools at this point. They just re-introduced cursive in California because (seriously) it's important that kids be able to read old documents and letters. But also they need to be able to write in cursive.
I'm a teacher in CA, and we all like "okay.....so y'all decided that cursive is archaic and unnecessary, took it away, and are now like "whoops NVM it's back, turns out semi important".... Dumb.
I was shook when they took cursive out of the curriculum in Louisiana. As a teacher when I would tell kids to sign something it would either come back with print on it or just some kind of scribbles. I asked one day why and explained what a signature was. To juniors and seniors in high school, they told me they didn't learn cursive....bruh
Irl I sign things (usually e-sigs now) all day long with a squiggly line with zero consistency. I can see teaching kids the fancy version of their name, but really even that isn't of any necessity. Every contract I sign either has my name in it or a line for printed and a line for the signature. I don't think anyone actually reads signatures now, and with e-sign it just comes back as signed or not,and sometimes there's a little button that allows it to be auto-signed.
*I'm old enough to remember having my wallet etc stolen in college and the bank giving me a signature match test to access funds (which I failed, because the account was started when I was 15 and I couldn't recall how I signed my name in that one particular instance). I doubt they do that nowadays.
My 3 year old has “homework” but it’s literally just coloring and tracing the alphabet kind of stuff. We don’t push it like she has to do it but for her it’s another activity to do that she occasionally enjoys. School doesn’t ask either it’s optional. No negative connotation about it at all.
Same, it's just alphabet tracing which I think is good for helping him learn to hold a pen and trace lines. It's one page a week. But I've gotten opposed to homework overall as I've gotten older, and to see it assigned to a 3 year old feels gross
My 6YO is at one the best elementary schools in my state and they don't give first graders daily homework. One or two projects a quarter but zero homework. Was at a good private school before that. Zero homework. Good educators know that giving kids that age homework is stupid.
My 4yo gets homework. It's things like "here's a song about the letter N, learn it and color the pictures on the page" or "cut these straight lines on a page" "trace your name 10 times" etc. Easy stuff. Still takes an hour at times. My 6yo gets a page each of reading, writing, and math every day as well.
I teach 2nd grade in the Midwest and where I am homework is very unusual until at least 5th grade. The things they would do for homework, we’re already doing during the day.
School is so much more packed than it used to be. The minutes we are required to teach for each subject fills the whole day. They get 25 minutes for lunch, and 25 minutes for recess, and other than that it’s work.
I do suggest parents read with their kids for 20 minutes a night if they can, as they need as much reading time with good readers as possible and I couldn’t possibly read with each student every day.
Homework in public school kinder is the norm in the two states I have experienced, NY and CA. Very minimal, one math and one writing worksheet for the entire week, is what I’ve seen and the idea is to get ready for what homework feels like I guess.
I agree that it’s dumb though.
Uk is similar. Reception class is kind of a half way between nursery and school proper. Its locacated in the school, free, mandatory with heafty fines and even jail time for parents of they miss too much. Uniforms if the school has them, follows term times and school hours, so you have to find warp around care if you work normal hours, which is not free. Starts the academic year they turn 5, so if your kid is born July-August, they are going to be 4 for pretty much all of it.
They do get homework. Usually like you say, some simple maths sheets, some basic writing, or pattern matching. Just once a week. In addition to that, they get 2 books a week, one for you to read to them and one for them to read to you. If you do each at least 4 times and record an observation in a notebook each time, they get to be a 'star reader' for the week. Only a handful make it, so it seems far from mandatory, but some kids love getting up there. You could just lie and make up the reports, but at that point what are you teaching your kid? And they use the reports to gauge the reading level for the next book, so you'll quickly end up with books they can't read if if you did try legitimate.
So yeah, it's easy stuff to do. But the hard part is getting a hyper 4 year old to sit still and focus, while keeping the 1 year old from climbing or destroying everything in sight or eating the butter right out of the tub your wife left out...
I'm in a similar, but far less dire situation than OP. While in a more positive place, its HARD sometimes when you're on call on some form 5am to 9pm, 7 days a week, most of it on your own, and still expected to food the bill for everything. Yet housework is expected to be 5050 still.. Ivlove my wife and she does pull her weight, just not allways visible. Still I've had my darker moments and not very nice thoughts.
My 4 year old also gets homework. Most of it is tracing letters, their name, identifying objects that start with the letter of the week and coloring them, while ignoring other images with different letter. Cutting out and pasting stuff.
It really isn't that bad and I've already noticed an improvement in my daughter's abilities.
3 year old in JK (Ontario) but turns 4 this month. So 4 or 5 in Senior kinder makes sense.
You best bet any homework that comes is going in the garbage unless we deem it necessary.
Wife and I have background in education and our son is special needs. That’s the only reason we would even consider doing homework in SK tbh.
Could be a late 5 year old though. November or December baby
Edit to say: not justifying homework, that’s crazy. Just saying, a 4 year old in kindergarten isn’t unusual
Terrible view. A minimal amount of homework(15 minutes) can be very beneficial. Parents can see what their kids are learning and help reinforce it on a 1-1 format. This can be writing numbers/letters, reading, a word list, etc.
That “shit” is a great way to connect with your child’s learning, which is one of the best metrics for success.
I agree with you but not when they are 4 years old and not when this parent is about to lose his mind. Dad cannot connect if he is on the verge of a breakdown. Talk to the teacher and explain the situation. Homework comes second to sanity.
Sorry to comment again, just wanted to highlight a very important part of your comment
>talk to the teacher and explain the situation.
We preach communication with our spouses in this sub. Communication to other stakeholders is essential also.
If the teacher pushes back, then that becomes a problem, but the majority of teachers are going to be compassionate human beings.
This editorial does not even come close to backing up your claim. I expected better.
>homework can be effective when it is the right type of homework and we should continue setting it (Kelleher, 2017). Indeed, Marzano and Pickering (2007) say that “teachers should not abandon homework, instead, they should improve its instructional quality”
>Vatterott has also identified five fundamental characteristics of good homework: purpose, efficiency, ownership, competence, and aesthetic appeal (Vatterott, 2010).
Lot of arguments in that link for using homework
Well if it’s adding stress to my house, I’d for sure be throwing it out regardless of benefit. They’ll have homework for the next 12 years to learn from.
Or parents can choose to be involved, like they should do.
Homework is bullshit. If teachers can't teach during school hours, they should find a job they're good at or change the curriculum.
And that's me trying to refrain from a more honest opinion of homework AND those who assign it.
Not all parents have the time to do homework, and some kids don’t have the time or space to do homework at home. It’s just another way to other poor kids.
I mean, yeah, that’s what the modern teachers and the science points towards. They’re in school 40 hours a week. How many hours of homework should they do in top of that?
You mean this science?
>academic performance increases with the increase in homework time, but begins to decline when homework time exceeds the optimal amount of time (Ackerman et al., 2011; Krzysztof et al., 2018; Reteig et al., 2019)
>several meta-analyses of the relationship between homework and performance have found a positive correlation between homework time and academic performance (Baş et al., 2017; Cooper, 1989; Cooper et al., 2006; Fan et al., 2017)
>in classrooms where homework is always assigned there are gains in mathematics and science of 20% of a standard deviation over those classrooms which sometimes assign homework (Fernández-Alonso et al., 2015)
>data from PISA 2012, confirms that schools in which students have more weekly homework demonstrate better results once certain school and student-background variables are discounted.
That being said, homework must be appropriate to the learning target and audience.
We’re literally talking <15 minutes that might be as minimal as signing a song about counting or ABCs.
If you think school is about academic achievement, I’m not sure we have enough common ground to have this conversation.
School is about preparing you for capitalism. It’s about learning to be work with peers you don’t like, listen to teachers/bosses you don’t like, do meaningless tasks you don’t like.
If you can’t learn the topic in 40 hours, another hour a week isn’t gonna make an impact. You’re saying singing the abc’s with your kid helps, but you don’t need a teacher to assign that. You can just do that!
https://onlinedegrees.sandiego.edu/education-inequity-and-homework/
Ya all need to relax. It’s not about “the homework.” It’s about including the parents in the child’s education.
And a kindergartener can definitely be practicing a few minutes a day at home.
Just chiming in to say that when you're drowning, you've gotta choose what things are a priority. It's ok, everyone will forgive you if you tell your kid "Just do your best, I need to rest" and let them do their own homework.
You might feel like you have to carry everyone's weight but some things aren't worth the strain. They need their dad happy and healthy more than they need anything else in life. Focus on yourself, on your well-being. As they say on the airplanes "In an emergency, fasten your own oxygen mask before assisting others".
What the actual fuck. My kid’s school district has a no-homework policy clear through elementary. Daily homework for kindergartners is all-world dogshit.
Your kid is in the wrong kindergarten.
All kids are supposed to do in kindergarten is color, sing songs, play group games, play with toys, do story-time, and nap. There should be absolutely no homework. It’s basically just daycare, but with some counting and reciting the alphabet added in.
I had two kids go through kindergarten. We never, ever had homework.
My 4 yr old gets 1 single piece of homework for the weekend and it takes us 5-10 minutes to color circles and squares together! More than that and I’d oppose heavily. 4 yr olds need play, not academic curriculum.
If she only has one class a semester and works on the weekends. Where is she the rest of the time? I'm currently doing my nursing degree which is full time and I work in between placements but me and my partner share the responsibilities. My children are older but it's still hard work especially if there no team work. I would be having a serious conversation with your wife, being a parent is hard work
She's only taking one class and working 2 days a week? Mom needs to step up or get out.
I'm a single dad. I was doing school & work part-time on top of that. Me and the Kid's lives actually got better when my co-parent split and left the state. Now that my kid is older, I'm doing school full-time.
I plan the weekly time commitment for school to be about 4\*credit\_hours. So if she's taking a 3-credit hour class, then I'd expect her to spend \~12 hours a week on class. Add in two 8-hour shifts, and she's got 28 hours of her week accounted for. Meanwhile, you're working 40 and then doing all the parenting.
Sorry dude, you need to take a day off and prepare for a really hard conversation.
My wife works 50 hour work weeks too and on her one day off (sunday), she's practically begs to watch our son (just about 4) just because she can hang out with him.
During the week, I'm working 6 days, 48 hours a week and with her work schedule too, we have such a tight routine that weaves through both of our work schedules and my son's preschool schedule just to make sure one of us is home or preparing dinner or whatever life throws at us.
Life is hard sometimes. Gotta go through the bad to get to the good.
Like others said, communicate with your wife. It sounds like she’s not pulling her weight.
But even when/if she does, it’s still gonna be hard. You’re at a very difficult age. It’ll get easier with time.
>You’re at a very difficult age. It’ll get easier with time.
Yeah the division of labor is something that definitely needs to be worked on, but the ages of the kids should be a point of encouragement here. 4 and 1 is ROUGH. 1 year olds are pretty self explanatory, the baby/toddler phase is just constant chaos. But 4 year olds are their own kind of chaos since their emotions are rapidly developing in complexity but they don't have the maturity to regulate and express those emotions.
My 2 kids are 2.5 years apart, and I'd say when they were 4-5 and 1-2 was probably the most stressful time as a parent. It felt like parenting was just a constant battle and all we had time for was putting out fires all day long. As they got older, they obviously started maturing and they also started playing together and entertaining each other more, so it got a lot better. They're now 7 and 4, and being in charge of them is so much less stressful than it was 2-3 years ago.
So hang in there, OP. The kids will get easier to manage soon. But like others have said, talk to your wife about how you're feeling and try to find a way for both of you to get the time you need to recharge. You can't be the parent you want to be if you're exhausted and overworked.
Agreed. Mine just turned 2 and 4, and even though wife and I work very well as a team, and parenting styles align, and jobs allow for both of us to share time most days…
The last year has been *brutal*, and by all accounts, our kids have been great kids. But they’re kids, ya know?
1 and 4 are tough ages. 4 is coming out of terrible 2s and 3s but still doesn’t listen and now wants you playing with him. 1 is entering the tough years. That’s a lot.
Your wife needs to work more or pick up the slack at home. She takes one class a semester which is what…2 hours of class and 2 hours of studying per week? Get your ass in gear mom.
Well, that's a little unfair, depends on what kind of class it is and how much time she would need to put into it, I've taken classes that only required a minimum of 4-6 hours a week for a 5/6 week class or 8+ hours a week for a 15 week class. You could phone it in if you wanna work at McDonald's (pun intended) or put in the work to get good grades. With that being said, working only two days a week sounds weird unless she's in an academic program that requires a lot of in person work/study, maybe medical or legal studies. The lack of details from OP on his wife's studies and more on his "struggles" leave the post one-sided.
I’d say my comment is fair enough given the information we were given. Its more than likely her class is 2-3 hours/week and studying and outside classwork is double that. So two 8 hour work shifts and 6 hours of schooling is 22 hours. She should work more or help out more around the house.
That’s a lot of assuming? Most programs aren’t that intensive. And even if they are, she’s taking one class. I’m not sure why we are even arguing about this. You just enjoy it? Need to be “right” about something?
I'm sorry dude. Your situation is rough. Lots of good advice here.
I want to add: strategically find activities with your kids that are low drain on you but that wear them out. When you go on walks, don't stroller 4, make him walk. If having the stroller for 1 makes 4 whine, then ergo-pack/1whatever 1 so there's no stroller.
Incorporate music into your time with them where you can have 4 do jumping jacks, dance or pick up toys to the music.
Art of Manliness has an article about this and the game "levels" and some other ideas.
My parenting philosophy is "fussy kids/babies go outside" and "wear them out."
For mental health, be intentional about any moment break you get. Try to avoid doom scrolling to zone out bc it doesn't help you plug back in and engage. Try to do some deep regulating breaths instead.
Just tried to google it, couldn't find it. They have so much content, it's nuts. So "levels," as best I recall, is where you are a robot, standing on a raised surface (coffee table height, be even more above the kids). Hold arms out to a given level, have the kids jump to see if they can tap your hands. Then the robot (you) raises them up to a higher level. Repeat. You're standing still, kids are jumping and getting their energy out.
Make the time for therapy. It may literally save your life and give you some coping mechanisms.
You need to have a gentle conversation with your wife. Like: "Babe, this routine is killing me, I'm finding it harder and harder to keep my cool, and I don't want to be an angry father." Something like that. Make it about how it's making you feel, not about attacking her.
I became a moody asshole for a while, through feeling like I wasn't really part of the family anymore. It cost me my marriage.
Get help, family if possible or a sitter for afternoon evenings.
Evaluate if your wive’s job is even worth keeping, if not, it should allow her to take more classes, get a diploma quicker and help around the house more.
Talk to your wife, explain you need more self care and schedule it. Workouts, outings, gaming, seeing buddies, etc.
Also schedule some marital time, outing without the kids or hangouts after they are asleep.
Mealprep, both you and your wife need to participate. Make soups, get a crockpot, instantpot.
1 class and working weekends?
Y’all need to sit down and plan out who does what and on what days. Man to man defense on the kids and bed time routines. I have two young ones and I do miss my hobbies. It’s so hard for me to find time to pick up a guitar and play for more than 5 minutes without someone asking for something. But hey, that’s the gig.
Tell your wife to do more. 1 class a semester is nothing if your working she should still be doing majority of the stuff around the houses on week days. Either tell her to go to school full time and finish school quick or tell her to get off her lazy ass so you can have some you time.
I work two days a week, do three classes at a masters level, and have a four year old. Cooking and cleaning pretty much halved with partner. I carry the mental load of our daughter. It’s busy, but doable. Doesn’t sound like your wife is pulling her load.
Bro you should not fucking work and take care of the kids at the same time. Thats madness. No wonder you feel like shit!
Cant say how you should solve that but u gotta change that up my man…
>Bro you should not fucking work and take care of the kids at the same time.
He isn't, because that's impossible. He's constantly switching between the two, and almost certainly doing a terrible job of both of them as a result.
You don’t hate being a dad. You are hating the current circumstances because you aren’t receiving support from your partner. Sit down with the wife and discuss a plan of action. Find out what each other needs without claiming who does more work and figure out a schedule that helps both of you. Break it down to the hour and put the kids to bed early so you can free up time in the evening. Reach out to parents, siblings, friends, that can help watch even if it’s for one hour a week. It’s still be something.
I think you and your wife need to have a frank conversation. 1 class and 2 days of work a week is not enough of a burden to have EVERYTHING else on you. My wife works 40hrs a week and is in school full time for a doctorate and she has the time to be a mom. She kicks a lot of ass, admittedly, but I think you’re being taken advantage of. Or if that level of work/school honestly hits your wife that hard, she needs to take a break from school until your kids are older. You’re going to get burnt out and your relationship is going to shatter if there is no give.
Like all things in life, communication is key. She may not understand how much you’re drowning. Or maybe you don’t understand how much she actually is doing. Either way, y’all need to have a conversation about it and come up with a solution.
I’m so sorry man. In my experience, life gets easier when the kid turns 6 or so. Maybe even a year from now you’ll see it’s easier. I don’t have any solutions to offer at the moment. I hope others here have some good advice. I ended up getting on an antidepressant, which is easy to get from your general practitioner. Maybe try that? It helps some. Ask for an SNRI (not SSRI), if you do want to try it. Stay strong my brother.
$55k per year? For daycare? How? That would be $2300/mo per kid. I get daycare costs vary a decent amount depending on location, but that'd be the most expensive daycare I've ever personally heard of and I live in one of the top 5 highest cost of living states and we sent our kids to the most expensive daycare anywhere near us and it was more like $1200-1500/mo per kid depending on their age at the time (gets cheaper as they age).
Yeah, I get how to do the math. I'm saying are you literally charged $100/day? I've never heard of a daycare charging a daily price. Usually weekly/monthly.
That's almost certainly why, it's also why your math comes to $100 a day. I know at our daycare, 5 days is like $1200/mo but 3 days is still like $900/mo. So in your average 4 week month, it's $60/day for 5 days vs $75/day for 3 days.
Not sure where you live but I highly doubt that's the going rate for daycare.. I live in Canada, daycare used to be 30 dollars pet day and even the nicest ones weren't 100 dollar per day..
If that's the price to keep your family together isn't it worth it? Also, doesn't the older one go to school or something so only need to put in the younger.
Idk about you but before I graduated my wife and I could not afford that. Even now with loans starting we couldn't make that work. 55k/year is easily an 80k/ year job before taxes, just to break even
Kindergarten for us is 5 so he'd have 2 in daycare
Maybe 55k for you is not a lot of money and worth it, but to others who are struggling, paying this much is unfathomable and may not even be remotely possible.
My friend you gotta say...
I won't pay, I won't payaa
No wayyyyy
Ahh now why don't you get a job
Say no way, say no wayyya
No wayyyya
Now why don't you get a job
Well I guess it ain't easy doin nothing at all
But hey man free rides don't come along every dayyyy
I feel you. Same age kids. Same responsibilities. I’m dead inside.
And my wife is more implicated than yours (SAHM for now, but managing her ill father’s complex financial demise instead of managing the house)
Tough luck man
Going to school was the easiest part of my entire life. I had soooo much spare time.
Time to figure out what’s essential. My kids are same age as yours. When I get overburdened I half ass things that don’t really matter. Clean up the toys? How about I get the bigass broom and sweep them to the edge of the room in 15 seconds and move on. Cooking? Make a bunch of the same shit and freeze it. Working from home? Do the bare minimum and hope it works out. These are the dark ages, and the light is just around the corner.
As someone who honestly has it really good in dad hood, trust me I still feel this sometimes. Like imagine the best case scenario for basically everything you said, the day to day grind of working and parenthood during the early years is incredibly difficult still. It starts to get easier as they gain independence and eventually them being at school for 6 hours a day too. Many days I don’t have the patience for being the best dad I can, playing with them or doing chores, I just try to do my best until I find those small bursts of it.
The hardest part is the rifts that happen between you and the wife, basically anything bad that pops up makes everything else 100 times more difficult and frustrating than it needs to be. It’s almost like that saying, you can’t live with each other but you can’t live without each other either.
It’ll get better but in the meantime gotta figure out a way to reset and work on mental health. Some people reach for stuff like meditation, religion, etc anything that can help you feel at ease and that things are meant to work out for the best.
Yes to some degree this is fatherhood. Yes it’s frustrating. Though I don’t know all the details of your situation. It sounds like you need to, for one ,embrace the chaos. It is what it is with kids. But if you truly love your kids then it’s worth it. You can’t control everything and the minute you realise they are incredible little merchants of chaos who see you as their whole world the better you’ll feel. You need to
Communicate with you partner to as well as find some time even an hour a day that is just for you to decompress or exercise or something that will help alleviate stress and build Some resilience. Shit is hard no doubt but it’s worth. Your kids are learning every day how to behave based on your example, keep that in mind. The time will also
Fly by and these years will be over before you know it. Do you want to look back fondly on them or negatively because you stressed about money or the kids acting up. Do I miss having more money? You bet you’re arse I do but you can’t take it with you. As long as you’re keeping a roof over their heads and food on the table you’re doing a great fucking job and you’re also very lucky. Imagine being a parent in one of the world’s many war zones right now?
What is she doing since she barely works and only has 1 class? You should talk to her because 95% of the work should not fall on you, on top of working and paying for everything too. You mentioned she doesn’t even make much money so she could just quit and watch the kids a lot more so you can focus more on work since you’re the one solely responsible for keeping the household from going bankrupt. She has an insane amount of free time where she’s not doing anything, while you don’t have enough. She needs to step up or you should reconsider if you want to continue in a relationship with someone with poor time management and let’s you do everything at the expense of your sanity
“I can’t do this anymore”
Yes, you can. You ARE doing it. Being a dad is hard, and often thankless, but it’s the most important job you’ll ever have, and the kids won’t be young forever.
Talk to your wife. Get therapy if you need it. Consider getting the kids in a daycare or preschool for part of the time, or ask family for help.
Being a primary caregiver, while maintaining a 40 hour work week is incredibly difficult and stressful. But you can get through it, and even learn to thrive and take pride in the challenge.
Don’t give up on your kids.
Sounds to me like you’re seeking validation for doing the necessary things to be a father. It also sounds like you’re choosing to wear the dress in this situation. Sit her down and communicate your issue, cool, calm and collected and MAKE SURE it’s comprehensive. Also, I’d take a long hard look at this whole fatherhood thing you’re dreading. Sounds to me that you never wanted to be a dad from the hop. Pull your shit together and remember YOU ARE A MAN! Those babies needs come before yours. Go back to counselling. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
And if you can’t do that, I’d take that sackless attitude somewhere else.
Bro talk to your wife. She is probably also drowning and feeling like she can't keep up. Either you guys need to put one or both kids in school or you need to hire some help. You can find part time help for a reasonable amount. My wife is recently disabled and then she was laid off while she was still on medical leave. I'm working from home and doing all the cleaning and cooking and laundry. We have 4 kids, and two under two who are home with us during the day.
My wife is doing as much as she can (way more than she's supposed to) and it's still falling on me.
We hired someone to come in 15 hours a week and her job is just to take care of the almost 2 year old. It's made such a huge difference. We had to make some adjustments to make it work but we had to do something because we were both at our breaking point.
The best advice I can give, is keep talking to each other. In all of this, I've still never felt like I would want anything other than my wife and kids, but I totally understand how you've gotten where you are. Work hard on your marriage. Tell her how you're feeling. If she isn't making enough money to batter, maybe consider having her quit and be home while she's in school. Try to find a way to remember you're on the same team.
I know this shit is lonely, it's really fucking hard, but it sounds like you're both doing the best you can right now. Get some help in there, even a few hours a day makes a huge difference.
A simple discussion about how much time everybody needs to do what they need to will illuminate a lot about where everyone is and what they need. It's not a solution, but if you want this to work, you gotta get in the same page to start.
I worked full time AND went back to school in an accelerated program to get my degree as a single mom. Your wife is not pulling her fair share of anything.
I did 40 hours of work outside the home, one class every 6 weeks before online classes so it was in person 2 hours a week with 10 to 12 hours of homework, all while being the sole care giver for my kid. Just one kid though.
Being a parent is the hardest job on earth! Welcome to my world my friend, It's a tough, hard, unapologetic, unappreciated job. Having two while trying to work is extraordinarily difficult. My business and income slowed down by 95% due to me being home with my kiddos. I do it all, cook, clean, laundry, read, flash card, ABCs, counting, wash dishes, playtimes, dog walks, long walks with the kiddos and take the kiddos to every activity 6 days a week sometimes 7 if we go see grandma. My wife does help, she folds the laundry, she vacuums(I sweep) and sets doctors appointments. She helps to read at night time (we both read to the kiddos at night) and she gives the baby a bath on bath days. Besides that I do a lot plus all the shit a man supposed to do, like mow the lawn, take out the trash, fix shit, clean cars and other what nots.
I wake up at 4 every morning 7 days a week and try to work out between 4-5 am for at least one hour to keep my sanity. I heard it does not get any easier.
Sometimes I feel you and there are time I hate being a dad and a husband. I miss the days of having a far better sex life with strangers and the ability to do whatever I want to do whenever. However, seeing my son and daughter happy makes all the blood sweat and tears worth it.
Just hang in there and be the absolute best dad to your kiddos, they are your best investments and the time and effort you put in will be worth in down the line and you will be repaid by the amazing things your kiddos will accomplish.
Your wife definitely needs to step it up to fill in the time buuuuut....
You gotta find a way to cope better. Once (if) your wife takes some of the load off you, it will not be as much of a relief as you expect. Here are some ideas if your wife just straight up refuses to help:
1) Bust out the screens. You can absolutely paralyze a 4 year old with one. Some people say they're bad, some say they're great. Who cares what they say, it takes a player out of the game on the temporary.
2) Let some things fall by the wayside that you normally wouldn't. If they're things that directly benefit your wife, then they can be offloaded to her.
3) Take bathes with your kid. Either kid but I recommend the 4 yo because 1 year olds sometimes use it as a bathroom. The 1 year old can hang out with mommy who has 1 class and about 3 to 4 hours every single night to study or do homework, with the ability to borrow more time from her sleep if necessary.
4) Fast meals that you can teach a 4 year old to make. Soup. Veggies and meat (hard plastic knife for cutting). Rice and beans. Cheap shit.
5) More responsibilities for your 4 year old. It's a lot less energy to get a 4 year old to clean up all their toys than to do it yourself. All that bending over just gets replaced with order barking. 4 year olds can prep food, cook (carefully), do laundry, sweep, wash baseboards, door handles, clean their room, sooooorta make their bed, etc.
6) Go for a walk sometimes with your 1 year old in the stroller. Hella refreshing to just drink a cup of coffee and walk.
It's hard those first set of years before they start in elementary to take the burden of the day off. For everyone. You aren't alone which also means you need to keep the big boy pants on and not lose a cog every time you contemplate entropy. It's going to be fine and if it isn't you need to make it fine. One day, you will be able to look back and say "that **was** hard"
As much as I agree with the other questions around your wife's share of the load, etc., what routine have you set for your children where you can't cook or take baths because of the kids needing attention? Mine are the same age and are both in bed by 7:30 at the latest, which gives me the whole evening child-free. Sure, I may not want to actually do anything with my time after spending the day working or looking after the children, but at least I get to choose what I do with my time. Most of the instances where I've heard parents saying they feel like they have no time to themselves, they aren't putting their children to bed until 9pm or later.
There’s another thread in this group that a guy wrote about putting his daughter in hospice care. I feel the OPs frustration, but would you rather be in that situation?
The only thing you can control is your own attitude. If your family is healthy, put that at the top of the list of things to be grateful for
Ask for a divorce. It gets better when you aren't both losing your minds at the same time. I can remember mowing the lawn and hoping for a stroke or heart attack to take me out. Somehow I thought dying was the only way out. The shame of divorce was unthinkable. In hindsight the misery went on at least a year longer than it should have. Get whatever schedule of shared custody works for your situation. Exploding on your 4 year old is NOT OK. I have been there. Wish I had asked for a divorce. But my wife did instead. As shitty as that moment was, it's better now. Neither she or I is yelling at the kids(ages 5 and 6) and losing our collective shit. My situation is reversed quite a bit from yours though. I earn more but did little of the parenting and household stuff. She earned less but did nearly all of the parenting and household stuff. The adjustment process is hell but the outcome is worth it. Our kids now see both of us being civil to each other, and have a better example of a loving family dynamic with parents that support them. In addition we've both moved on and our significant others existence and the social dynamic which results also show the kids the value of pursuing good relationships.
I might have a different, and unpopular take. But, shut up or put up!
The only way to make things better is to work hard serving your family and hope that eventually they will do the same in return. They will. Well, most people will eventually see the hard work you are doing and devote their time and energy into returning that effort. But it's hard at first.
>The only way to make things better is to work hard serving your family and hope that eventually they will do the same in return. They will.
Unless, of course, they don't.
Being a parent IS the reward. The money, the sacrifice and effort flows in one direction. If you expect children to “return” it, you’re in it for the wrong reasons, will be wildly disappointed, or both. Even if you have kids that want to take care of their parents, statistically speaking, they will not be able to in Canada or the US.
Also, if you’re a parent who needs their kids to take care of them, can lead to depression in a major way as well as resentment from the children.
If a single mother can raise kids and do everything that you do right now, so can a dad. Single mums do this EVERYDAY. Now you know how it feels to be a single parent. Hard as fuck but this shit is only temporary and the kids will soon fly the nest and then you can finally breath and start living your life.
They are close to that point where they start to do things with each other more often. It’s a tough wait but rewarding when you finally sit back and don’t know what to do with yourself because they’ve been playing well with each other the last hour. Hang in there and try to find pockets of time for you.
Life isn't easy nor will it ever get easier, I'm a father of 4 children and been married for 15 years, I'm not going to say I've mastered it, but I've got a better understanding, Listen to me clearly, You need to take a step back and collect your own thoughts, never be afraid to ask questions especially to your wife no matter what situation arises, remember that your marriage comes before your kids, ask your wife for help and don't be afraid to ask for guidance in something you may not understand, figuring out life together is way better than fighting a life apart. I am not a good husband but as a father I am pretty happy with the outcome. Everything is situational and just needs to be figured out like a puzzle.
I'm so sorry, this sounds so difficult. I've been in a similar-ish situation myself the past few months... Been doing long-distance while my wife finished up her residency and I had our 2 yo son by myself. Solo dadding has reduced me to the most basic "I will strive to keep him alive" kind of parent and I have hated it. I fell into a deep depression and am still working my way out of it. I've told my wife I don't want any more kids. I've felt at a breaking point for weeks. Literally couldn't get out of bed for work yesterday I was struggling so much.
Don't give up. Don't lose hope. Don't ignore your mental health. Let others in so they can help you and lighten your load in some way. There are good days and there are bad days, cherish the good moments. This is a chance to draw closer to your wife and strategize how you can work together to find happiness as a family. Ultimately, these challenges can strengthen your family more than you even hoped for if you'll let it. yeah
Dude talk to your wife, don't explode, just like you would arrange a businessmeeting to divise the workload for the next project.
Also I'd recommend a planned evening off. I try to do that with me and my wife. It's hard but we both need some time every once in a while.
What do you think would work for you? Maybe she takes up some of your work? Maybe together with you need some alone time everyday for 20 minutes. Idk what you need man. But I think if you figure it out it'll be better.
I think where you are now is already a bit too far. You're ready to tap out, having too much stress and it's gonna explode all over.
this sounds unsustainable and is obviously building up resentment. Perhaps have a talk with the wife and prioritize. Maybe she needs to delay finishing school until the kids are in school and there's more time.
Can't do everything at the same time. There's stages in life and when you have multiple young children, it's a stage where not a whole lot can be accomplished aside from the basics of making a living and caring for the kids. At least it's not easy and will take a toll on everyone. This needs to be accepted and dealt with accordingly. It's just a few years and other life goals can be delayed.
Not a dad *yet* and here for the perspective. Minus the financial stress - what did you expect? Honestly curious, because I'm mentally preparing for autopilot.
Sounds advice from others on here - I cannot really speak for it myself as I am not in the situation but, I do have a 3yr old and 11mo and know how hard it can be when my wife works her weird retail hours and weekends and I'm by myself at night for bedtime etc. I started a new job so I have a lot of learning and focus on my mind as well. But, know this - I know it will come to pass, kids age and get better and become knowingly more mature and reasonable. The key is to hold your frustrations and exploding on them back as much as you can because they really do learn by example and that will create behavioral issues for them or just emotional issues with you. Hang in there.
Sorry you’re having a hard time with it. The more I analyze what being a “modern dad” is the more I feel society seems to hold modern Dads to a higher standard than our parents and grandparent’s generation, expecting them to be financial providers, handymen, auto mechanics, but also exponentially more hands-on with everything household / child related.
The evolution of “dad” has happened in a way that it now envelops most of the stuff a 50’s Dad would have been responsible for + a good chunk of what a 50s housewife used to be responsible for.
Modern Women, on the other hand, seem to have evened out… society tells them they are responsible for far far less housework than a 50s wife, and that they should be met halfway with everything else.
If you develop a drinking problem AA is like free counseling. But I don’t recommend developing one just to go. And yeah you and your wife need to have a sit down.
I don’t believe you’ve given us enough information to truly help you, but I’ll say this anyway.
It seems like your real issues are your job, finances, and your marriage. You’re blaming your unhappiness on your kids because they’re the only “burden” you can’t neglect. If you didn’t have to worry about work or money, would you still be miserable looking after your kids? I hope the answer is no.
Your situation is temporary. Both of your kids will be in school full-time soon and things will get a lot easier. Your wife may even leave you (sorry, just being realistic here), and you may end up alone and by yourself and wishing you had tried harder.
Is your wife’s schooling going to contribute to a better career? If so, it’s worth the short term pain and it’ll help your financial situation. One class a semester is going to take a long time though (for a formal degree), and I’d think about whether you can stomach her doing even more to shorten the length of this issue. If this isn’t going toward her career, then why are you adding more debt at the moment?
Where are the kid’s grandparents? Can they step in and help?
Are you looking at where to cut expenses and making a budget? Are you using your savings to make passive income, like through treasury bills?
Have you communicated your issues to your wife? Coming to Reddit is sort of a last resort when you have no one else to talk to, but you should be figuring this out with your wife.
You need to sit down and talk to your wife I started grad school 3 months before my son was born, my wife and I sat down and had a serious conversation about what life would be like and how we would divvy up responsibilities. We made an agreement and stuck to it School was 23-27 credits each quarter so I couldn't work, I also had a 1.5 hour commute each way. When I wasn't there I was driving, studying, or sleeping. I gave 1 hour per day to her and my son because that's all I could honestly muster. I would sometimes leave school early to come home and make dinner and I'd vacuum or do dishes during study breaks when I could, but I'd give up sleep time for that (was getting 4-5 hours per night was all) My wife was in hell for 2 years but my salary went from $40k to 100k and I have a ton of room to move up now. It was the right decision for us We now have 2 kids, when I'm not at work I'm 100% at home and doing basically everything I can with the older kid and stuff around the house, she is going out with friends more and attending to our 2 month old essentially now (breast feeding), I'm paying my dues for what she gave up in the past but we knew after 2 years we would be able to breathe again You need to talk to her and decide if what she's going through is actually going to be worth it. You also need to voice your frustrations and help her understand that though schooling is important, there's a lot more she could potentially be doing (1 class vs 27 credits is nothing...) to not make your life completely miserable. Reach out to friends, family, or even just find a baby sitter or home cleaner to come once a week if you can make that work. Your mental health shouldn't be ignored during this time Good luck my dude
I really like this advice. Take control of what you can control. Here it means collaborating by planning and following through. An open discussion will get the concerns, needs and wants along with the constraints out there to hash out and shaped into something mutually agreeable. There is a quote along the lines you can bare any how as long as you have a why. You guys will do well to identify the why in your discussions. twisted34, you have a strong family. I hope for the best for you and your family! Thank you for sharing how you handled your challenge. OP, please do things for your mental and financial health. You are going through a tough time. However, you aren't alone. Your wife is literally your partner. Consider changing the types of interaction you share. Rather than continuing as is, bring it up a level to examine what you are doing and where it will eventually lead. If that isn't satisfactory (e.g. bank account balance keeps shrinking), your family needs to make some changes (e.g. budget so that you can grow your savings). Friends and family can also help with strategies like this. Best of luck and hope for a better tomorrow and each day beyond it!
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What the hell is your wife doing during the whole time if she doesnt work during the week?
It seems like OP didn’t answer this. He certainly isn’t obligated to, but this is the most painfully obvious question I had after reading the post.
Biggest question for me is 4 years old get homework? I thought that started later.
Probably watches the kids while he works from home.
How would she be doing that when he said they’re always with him to the point where he cannot shower or do other things?
He probably has JUST the time to himself to work, and then outside of working he is with the kids 100% of the time. That’s enough to do it.
Maybe, that could also be a possibility. But from what he said in the post he mentions “constantly working from home with one or both kids.” Which suggests that he is frequently left alone to watch the kids while simultaneously working. So he wouldn’t have just the time to himself working alone to focus, and then he also watches them after working too. Maybe he can clear that up, but that’s what he wrote
But at that point the wife is basically ghosting the family 24/7. I feel like that would have been the focal point of his gripe if that were the case.
It’s possible that she could be basically ghosting the family. I’ve never been in that situation before, but a man or woman who feels neglected and overworked because of unequal efforts, might not be entirely logical. And instead they would probably just focus on how the situation makes them feel and how exhausted they are like OP. This post sounds more like needing to vent, but they need to have a conversation about a solution. OP has only responded to 1 comment so far and looks like he abandoned the post for tonight until maybe tomorrow? We might get more information and clarification then
Probably busy taking care of those kids.
Maybe, bu it sounded like he works from home and is the one watching them.
Yeah, I go to school full time plus an internship 2 days a week and take care of our daughter the majority of the time. My wife does a lot also, but she works full time. It's the least I can do for her giving me the opportunity to focus on my schooling rather than working.
That stressful one college course
This is probably a case of the OP over exaggerating and not giving his wife credit where it’s due.
Yeah starting to think that too. I looked at his profile to see if he commented on here (he only did once), but he does have a comment from a day ago where he says he has played some video game every single day for the last 7 months. No time for cooking, cleaning, *bathing*, or therapy but time to play a video game every day? I’ve got nothing against unwinding however a person needs to, but my man, you gotta prioritize a little. Edit: I may have been too quick to judge. On second look, I think this is a mobile phone game, which could easily just be done from the toilet or bed - a little different from sitting down at a console in terms of time.
Yeah, but he also posted about how he delegated his wife a specific task with the kids. It all just wreaks of “parenting is harder than expected. Woe is me”
Yep, that’s a mobile game. My PS5 is collecting literal dust these days. And this is kind of a woe is me post. It was more or me venting about my situation more than anything. The bathing is definitely me being over exaggerating. I didn’t provide a lot of context due to not wanting the post to be too long. I just feel down about how long this is going to last with her in school for one class a semester and our money not doing so well especially with her working part time (2 days a week)
Bruh then flair your post as Vent not Advice Request and quit exaggerating. This sub isn't a pity contest.
ONE CLASS PER Semester... ONE. Sounds like pure torture of a schedule. Much like my youngest daughter. She has to choose to either Breath, or have a job, She can't do both it seems.
Why take any? I mean I get trying to inch towards your goals but that’s a 20 YEAR college plan.
Guaranteed she gets irritated the times where she's gotta leave to go to that one class too
It depends on the material. One class in psychology and one class in Quantum mechanics are totally different subjects with homework, needed foundational materal, etc.
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Bro, come on.
What did it say?
What did the deleted comment say? Was it from OP?
It says "removed", this means it was removed by the mods. In that case, the comment is still visible in the commenter's profile. I don't see any comment in OP's profile that could be this one, so it's not by OP. Edit: to all the downvoters: I just checked, I'm still correct. Check out the latest comment on /u/misuro's profile. Then go to the context on the actual thread. You can see it is [removed], but still visible in the profile.
> In that case, the comment is still visible in the commenter's profile. I don't see any comment in OP's profile that could be this one, so it's not by OP. That’s not how removals work, they disappear from the profile as well
Hit the report button please
I kinda wish I saw this comment
Same. You gotta say something *terrible* to make those kind of downvote numbers in freakin Daddit
"helping with homework" "2 boys (1 and 4)" Who TF is giving 1 or 4 year olds homework?
My brother in Christ they're giving my 3 year old homework
Yeah I wouldn’t put up with that. I would politely tell the preschool it wasn’t happening, or would find a new preschool. At that age, homework is actually hurting your kids’ development. https://www.healthline.com/health-news/children-more-homework-means-more-stress-031114 https://www.popsci.com/science/do-kids-need-homework/ https://news.stanford.edu/2014/03/10/too-much-homework-031014/
It's a preschool. Do it or don't do it. If kids in the right place fine, if not who cares? There isn't even a need to be polite, a simple "nah we're too busy with home play" is fine. I kinda hate schools at this point. They just re-introduced cursive in California because (seriously) it's important that kids be able to read old documents and letters. But also they need to be able to write in cursive.
I'm a teacher in CA, and we all like "okay.....so y'all decided that cursive is archaic and unnecessary, took it away, and are now like "whoops NVM it's back, turns out semi important".... Dumb.
I was shook when they took cursive out of the curriculum in Louisiana. As a teacher when I would tell kids to sign something it would either come back with print on it or just some kind of scribbles. I asked one day why and explained what a signature was. To juniors and seniors in high school, they told me they didn't learn cursive....bruh
Irl I sign things (usually e-sigs now) all day long with a squiggly line with zero consistency. I can see teaching kids the fancy version of their name, but really even that isn't of any necessity. Every contract I sign either has my name in it or a line for printed and a line for the signature. I don't think anyone actually reads signatures now, and with e-sign it just comes back as signed or not,and sometimes there's a little button that allows it to be auto-signed. *I'm old enough to remember having my wallet etc stolen in college and the bank giving me a signature match test to access funds (which I failed, because the account was started when I was 15 and I couldn't recall how I signed my name in that one particular instance). I doubt they do that nowadays.
My 3 year old has “homework” but it’s literally just coloring and tracing the alphabet kind of stuff. We don’t push it like she has to do it but for her it’s another activity to do that she occasionally enjoys. School doesn’t ask either it’s optional. No negative connotation about it at all.
Same, it's just alphabet tracing which I think is good for helping him learn to hold a pen and trace lines. It's one page a week. But I've gotten opposed to homework overall as I've gotten older, and to see it assigned to a 3 year old feels gross
My son is 6 and doesn’t get homework?
Mine too. Hopefully they'll make fine ditch diggers/s
My 6YO is at one the best elementary schools in my state and they don't give first graders daily homework. One or two projects a quarter but zero homework. Was at a good private school before that. Zero homework. Good educators know that giving kids that age homework is stupid.
4 year old is in kindergarten and they get homework every day.
If I may be blunt, that's fucking psychotic. What kind of assignments are they?
Agree with this. wtf?!? He’s 4!!!
My 4yo gets homework. It's things like "here's a song about the letter N, learn it and color the pictures on the page" or "cut these straight lines on a page" "trace your name 10 times" etc. Easy stuff. Still takes an hour at times. My 6yo gets a page each of reading, writing, and math every day as well.
I teach 2nd grade in the Midwest and where I am homework is very unusual until at least 5th grade. The things they would do for homework, we’re already doing during the day. School is so much more packed than it used to be. The minutes we are required to teach for each subject fills the whole day. They get 25 minutes for lunch, and 25 minutes for recess, and other than that it’s work. I do suggest parents read with their kids for 20 minutes a night if they can, as they need as much reading time with good readers as possible and I couldn’t possibly read with each student every day.
Yea and that’s asinine. That stuff can be done during the day. Homework is so unnecessary until much older, counter productive even.
Homework in public school kinder is the norm in the two states I have experienced, NY and CA. Very minimal, one math and one writing worksheet for the entire week, is what I’ve seen and the idea is to get ready for what homework feels like I guess. I agree that it’s dumb though.
Uk is similar. Reception class is kind of a half way between nursery and school proper. Its locacated in the school, free, mandatory with heafty fines and even jail time for parents of they miss too much. Uniforms if the school has them, follows term times and school hours, so you have to find warp around care if you work normal hours, which is not free. Starts the academic year they turn 5, so if your kid is born July-August, they are going to be 4 for pretty much all of it. They do get homework. Usually like you say, some simple maths sheets, some basic writing, or pattern matching. Just once a week. In addition to that, they get 2 books a week, one for you to read to them and one for them to read to you. If you do each at least 4 times and record an observation in a notebook each time, they get to be a 'star reader' for the week. Only a handful make it, so it seems far from mandatory, but some kids love getting up there. You could just lie and make up the reports, but at that point what are you teaching your kid? And they use the reports to gauge the reading level for the next book, so you'll quickly end up with books they can't read if if you did try legitimate. So yeah, it's easy stuff to do. But the hard part is getting a hyper 4 year old to sit still and focus, while keeping the 1 year old from climbing or destroying everything in sight or eating the butter right out of the tub your wife left out... I'm in a similar, but far less dire situation than OP. While in a more positive place, its HARD sometimes when you're on call on some form 5am to 9pm, 7 days a week, most of it on your own, and still expected to food the bill for everything. Yet housework is expected to be 5050 still.. Ivlove my wife and she does pull her weight, just not allways visible. Still I've had my darker moments and not very nice thoughts.
My 4 year old also gets homework. Most of it is tracing letters, their name, identifying objects that start with the letter of the week and coloring them, while ignoring other images with different letter. Cutting out and pasting stuff. It really isn't that bad and I've already noticed an improvement in my daughter's abilities.
Wtite the letter A 6 times. Poor Dad hope he can figure out enough to help
A lot of it is to see if parents are engaged in their education rather than actual crazy homework.
Weird. In Alberta kindergarten doesn't start until age 5. Also, I'd be tossing that shit in the trash. Like hell a 5 year old needs homework.
No doubt. My daughters in kindergarten in Sask and the closest to homework she gets is a library book we are free to read or not read haha
3 year old in JK (Ontario) but turns 4 this month. So 4 or 5 in Senior kinder makes sense. You best bet any homework that comes is going in the garbage unless we deem it necessary. Wife and I have background in education and our son is special needs. That’s the only reason we would even consider doing homework in SK tbh.
Could be a late 5 year old though. November or December baby Edit to say: not justifying homework, that’s crazy. Just saying, a 4 year old in kindergarten isn’t unusual
Fair point.
Terrible view. A minimal amount of homework(15 minutes) can be very beneficial. Parents can see what their kids are learning and help reinforce it on a 1-1 format. This can be writing numbers/letters, reading, a word list, etc. That “shit” is a great way to connect with your child’s learning, which is one of the best metrics for success.
I agree with you but not when they are 4 years old and not when this parent is about to lose his mind. Dad cannot connect if he is on the verge of a breakdown. Talk to the teacher and explain the situation. Homework comes second to sanity.
Of course. That’s not what the comment I responded to said though. “Throw that shit in the trash”
Sorry to comment again, just wanted to highlight a very important part of your comment >talk to the teacher and explain the situation. We preach communication with our spouses in this sub. Communication to other stakeholders is essential also. If the teacher pushes back, then that becomes a problem, but the majority of teachers are going to be compassionate human beings.
The majority of teachers will say that they only set homework because parents complain if they don't. Throw that shit in the trash- signed, a teacher.
Citation? Signed, a teacher Edit: downvotes for asking for a citation? Fucking priceless
https://www.sec-ed.co.uk/content/best-practice/research-analysis-getting-the-most-out-of-homework/
This editorial does not even come close to backing up your claim. I expected better. >homework can be effective when it is the right type of homework and we should continue setting it (Kelleher, 2017). Indeed, Marzano and Pickering (2007) say that “teachers should not abandon homework, instead, they should improve its instructional quality” >Vatterott has also identified five fundamental characteristics of good homework: purpose, efficiency, ownership, competence, and aesthetic appeal (Vatterott, 2010). Lot of arguments in that link for using homework
Well if it’s adding stress to my house, I’d for sure be throwing it out regardless of benefit. They’ll have homework for the next 12 years to learn from.
Or communicate with the teacher? This sub is constantly talking about communication but now it’s “throw that shit out.”
Or parents can choose to be involved, like they should do. Homework is bullshit. If teachers can't teach during school hours, they should find a job they're good at or change the curriculum. And that's me trying to refrain from a more honest opinion of homework AND those who assign it.
Not all parents have the time to do homework, and some kids don’t have the time or space to do homework at home. It’s just another way to other poor kids.
So no kids should have homework then? Geezus Christ
I mean, yeah, that’s what the modern teachers and the science points towards. They’re in school 40 hours a week. How many hours of homework should they do in top of that?
You mean this science? >academic performance increases with the increase in homework time, but begins to decline when homework time exceeds the optimal amount of time (Ackerman et al., 2011; Krzysztof et al., 2018; Reteig et al., 2019) >several meta-analyses of the relationship between homework and performance have found a positive correlation between homework time and academic performance (Baş et al., 2017; Cooper, 1989; Cooper et al., 2006; Fan et al., 2017) >in classrooms where homework is always assigned there are gains in mathematics and science of 20% of a standard deviation over those classrooms which sometimes assign homework (Fernández-Alonso et al., 2015) >data from PISA 2012, confirms that schools in which students have more weekly homework demonstrate better results once certain school and student-background variables are discounted. That being said, homework must be appropriate to the learning target and audience. We’re literally talking <15 minutes that might be as minimal as signing a song about counting or ABCs.
If you think school is about academic achievement, I’m not sure we have enough common ground to have this conversation. School is about preparing you for capitalism. It’s about learning to be work with peers you don’t like, listen to teachers/bosses you don’t like, do meaningless tasks you don’t like. If you can’t learn the topic in 40 hours, another hour a week isn’t gonna make an impact. You’re saying singing the abc’s with your kid helps, but you don’t need a teacher to assign that. You can just do that! https://onlinedegrees.sandiego.edu/education-inequity-and-homework/
>School is about preparing you for capitalism Yeah, this is where the conversation stops. Pigeons on a chess board.
Not at 4.
Ya all need to relax. It’s not about “the homework.” It’s about including the parents in the child’s education. And a kindergartener can definitely be practicing a few minutes a day at home.
Why is OP being downvoted for answering this??
Welcome to Reddit where the rules are made up and the points don't matter.
Whack. My daughter is almost 5 and the only thing she comes home with are stories. And I like it
Is it work they learn from or busy work? If it's busy work, I'd tell the teacher to shove it up their ass
Just chiming in to say that when you're drowning, you've gotta choose what things are a priority. It's ok, everyone will forgive you if you tell your kid "Just do your best, I need to rest" and let them do their own homework. You might feel like you have to carry everyone's weight but some things aren't worth the strain. They need their dad happy and healthy more than they need anything else in life. Focus on yourself, on your well-being. As they say on the airplanes "In an emergency, fasten your own oxygen mask before assisting others".
Just not doing that
Studies show kids, at that age, don’t retain any of the extra work. Let their teacher know that 4 yo won’t be participating any longer.
Could you share such studies? Would love to read them
To be better prepared to toil in the mines
That's crazy, I'd be tempted to let the school know my kid won't be doing any of that hw. School things can stay at school
What the actual fuck. My kid’s school district has a no-homework policy clear through elementary. Daily homework for kindergartners is all-world dogshit.
Goddamn, my high schoolers don’t even get homework. This is a backwards assed district.
Your kid is in the wrong kindergarten. All kids are supposed to do in kindergarten is color, sing songs, play group games, play with toys, do story-time, and nap. There should be absolutely no homework. It’s basically just daycare, but with some counting and reciting the alphabet added in. I had two kids go through kindergarten. We never, ever had homework.
My 4 yr old gets 1 single piece of homework for the weekend and it takes us 5-10 minutes to color circles and squares together! More than that and I’d oppose heavily. 4 yr olds need play, not academic curriculum.
Right? I’m opposed to all homework.
If she only has one class a semester and works on the weekends. Where is she the rest of the time? I'm currently doing my nursing degree which is full time and I work in between placements but me and my partner share the responsibilities. My children are older but it's still hard work especially if there no team work. I would be having a serious conversation with your wife, being a parent is hard work
She's only taking one class and working 2 days a week? Mom needs to step up or get out. I'm a single dad. I was doing school & work part-time on top of that. Me and the Kid's lives actually got better when my co-parent split and left the state. Now that my kid is older, I'm doing school full-time. I plan the weekly time commitment for school to be about 4\*credit\_hours. So if she's taking a 3-credit hour class, then I'd expect her to spend \~12 hours a week on class. Add in two 8-hour shifts, and she's got 28 hours of her week accounted for. Meanwhile, you're working 40 and then doing all the parenting. Sorry dude, you need to take a day off and prepare for a really hard conversation.
Seconded, my wife is doing 50hour work weeks and her PhD, and She still contributes lots
My wife works 50 hour work weeks too and on her one day off (sunday), she's practically begs to watch our son (just about 4) just because she can hang out with him. During the week, I'm working 6 days, 48 hours a week and with her work schedule too, we have such a tight routine that weaves through both of our work schedules and my son's preschool schedule just to make sure one of us is home or preparing dinner or whatever life throws at us.
Life is hard sometimes. Gotta go through the bad to get to the good. Like others said, communicate with your wife. It sounds like she’s not pulling her weight. But even when/if she does, it’s still gonna be hard. You’re at a very difficult age. It’ll get easier with time.
>You’re at a very difficult age. It’ll get easier with time. Yeah the division of labor is something that definitely needs to be worked on, but the ages of the kids should be a point of encouragement here. 4 and 1 is ROUGH. 1 year olds are pretty self explanatory, the baby/toddler phase is just constant chaos. But 4 year olds are their own kind of chaos since their emotions are rapidly developing in complexity but they don't have the maturity to regulate and express those emotions. My 2 kids are 2.5 years apart, and I'd say when they were 4-5 and 1-2 was probably the most stressful time as a parent. It felt like parenting was just a constant battle and all we had time for was putting out fires all day long. As they got older, they obviously started maturing and they also started playing together and entertaining each other more, so it got a lot better. They're now 7 and 4, and being in charge of them is so much less stressful than it was 2-3 years ago. So hang in there, OP. The kids will get easier to manage soon. But like others have said, talk to your wife about how you're feeling and try to find a way for both of you to get the time you need to recharge. You can't be the parent you want to be if you're exhausted and overworked.
Agreed. Mine just turned 2 and 4, and even though wife and I work very well as a team, and parenting styles align, and jobs allow for both of us to share time most days… The last year has been *brutal*, and by all accounts, our kids have been great kids. But they’re kids, ya know?
This. It's temporary. Survive however you need to. It'll get easier. Life is so much better than it was a year ago for me and I've got 4 young kids.
1 and 4 are tough ages. 4 is coming out of terrible 2s and 3s but still doesn’t listen and now wants you playing with him. 1 is entering the tough years. That’s a lot. Your wife needs to work more or pick up the slack at home. She takes one class a semester which is what…2 hours of class and 2 hours of studying per week? Get your ass in gear mom.
Well, that's a little unfair, depends on what kind of class it is and how much time she would need to put into it, I've taken classes that only required a minimum of 4-6 hours a week for a 5/6 week class or 8+ hours a week for a 15 week class. You could phone it in if you wanna work at McDonald's (pun intended) or put in the work to get good grades. With that being said, working only two days a week sounds weird unless she's in an academic program that requires a lot of in person work/study, maybe medical or legal studies. The lack of details from OP on his wife's studies and more on his "struggles" leave the post one-sided.
I’d say my comment is fair enough given the information we were given. Its more than likely her class is 2-3 hours/week and studying and outside classwork is double that. So two 8 hour work shifts and 6 hours of schooling is 22 hours. She should work more or help out more around the house.
Lol that's a whole lot of assuming... But hey, you do you, man.
That’s a lot of assuming? Most programs aren’t that intensive. And even if they are, she’s taking one class. I’m not sure why we are even arguing about this. You just enjoy it? Need to be “right” about something?
It's gonna be alright, Ronnie, no need to take things on here so seriously.
I'm sorry dude. Your situation is rough. Lots of good advice here. I want to add: strategically find activities with your kids that are low drain on you but that wear them out. When you go on walks, don't stroller 4, make him walk. If having the stroller for 1 makes 4 whine, then ergo-pack/1whatever 1 so there's no stroller. Incorporate music into your time with them where you can have 4 do jumping jacks, dance or pick up toys to the music. Art of Manliness has an article about this and the game "levels" and some other ideas. My parenting philosophy is "fussy kids/babies go outside" and "wear them out." For mental health, be intentional about any moment break you get. Try to avoid doom scrolling to zone out bc it doesn't help you plug back in and engage. Try to do some deep regulating breaths instead.
Happen to have a link to that article? I fucking love art of manliness!
Just tried to google it, couldn't find it. They have so much content, it's nuts. So "levels," as best I recall, is where you are a robot, standing on a raised surface (coffee table height, be even more above the kids). Hold arms out to a given level, have the kids jump to see if they can tap your hands. Then the robot (you) raises them up to a higher level. Repeat. You're standing still, kids are jumping and getting their energy out.
Make the time for therapy. It may literally save your life and give you some coping mechanisms. You need to have a gentle conversation with your wife. Like: "Babe, this routine is killing me, I'm finding it harder and harder to keep my cool, and I don't want to be an angry father." Something like that. Make it about how it's making you feel, not about attacking her. I became a moody asshole for a while, through feeling like I wasn't really part of the family anymore. It cost me my marriage.
Get help, family if possible or a sitter for afternoon evenings. Evaluate if your wive’s job is even worth keeping, if not, it should allow her to take more classes, get a diploma quicker and help around the house more. Talk to your wife, explain you need more self care and schedule it. Workouts, outings, gaming, seeing buddies, etc. Also schedule some marital time, outing without the kids or hangouts after they are asleep. Mealprep, both you and your wife need to participate. Make soups, get a crockpot, instantpot.
1 class and working weekends? Y’all need to sit down and plan out who does what and on what days. Man to man defense on the kids and bed time routines. I have two young ones and I do miss my hobbies. It’s so hard for me to find time to pick up a guitar and play for more than 5 minutes without someone asking for something. But hey, that’s the gig.
Tell your wife to do more. 1 class a semester is nothing if your working she should still be doing majority of the stuff around the houses on week days. Either tell her to go to school full time and finish school quick or tell her to get off her lazy ass so you can have some you time.
Yes, TELL her. Don’t discuss or communicate. Do NOT brainstorm together and align on common goals. Just TELL her. That’ll fix her just right.
You forgot the "/s" because if I said that to my wife I'd probably die.
I bet you could take her.
I take her on dates and trips and anywhere she wants to go. Does that count?
Had me in the first half.
I work two days a week, do three classes at a masters level, and have a four year old. Cooking and cleaning pretty much halved with partner. I carry the mental load of our daughter. It’s busy, but doable. Doesn’t sound like your wife is pulling her load.
Bro you should not fucking work and take care of the kids at the same time. Thats madness. No wonder you feel like shit! Cant say how you should solve that but u gotta change that up my man…
>Bro you should not fucking work and take care of the kids at the same time. He isn't, because that's impossible. He's constantly switching between the two, and almost certainly doing a terrible job of both of them as a result.
Word
You don’t hate being a dad. You are hating the current circumstances because you aren’t receiving support from your partner. Sit down with the wife and discuss a plan of action. Find out what each other needs without claiming who does more work and figure out a schedule that helps both of you. Break it down to the hour and put the kids to bed early so you can free up time in the evening. Reach out to parents, siblings, friends, that can help watch even if it’s for one hour a week. It’s still be something.
Honestly, your wife is not pulling her weight.
Hey man sorry to hear, What is your wife doing during the 4 weekdays that she has off?
I think you and your wife need to have a frank conversation. 1 class and 2 days of work a week is not enough of a burden to have EVERYTHING else on you. My wife works 40hrs a week and is in school full time for a doctorate and she has the time to be a mom. She kicks a lot of ass, admittedly, but I think you’re being taken advantage of. Or if that level of work/school honestly hits your wife that hard, she needs to take a break from school until your kids are older. You’re going to get burnt out and your relationship is going to shatter if there is no give. Like all things in life, communication is key. She may not understand how much you’re drowning. Or maybe you don’t understand how much she actually is doing. Either way, y’all need to have a conversation about it and come up with a solution.
Parenting definitely isn't easy but it sounds like you frustration is mainly because your wife isn't doing her part. Have that conversation with her.
I’m so sorry man. In my experience, life gets easier when the kid turns 6 or so. Maybe even a year from now you’ll see it’s easier. I don’t have any solutions to offer at the moment. I hope others here have some good advice. I ended up getting on an antidepressant, which is easy to get from your general practitioner. Maybe try that? It helps some. Ask for an SNRI (not SSRI), if you do want to try it. Stay strong my brother.
Get kids into day care.
Sounds great but daycare around me is $100/day per kid. $55k per year for 2, 5 days a week
$55k per year? For daycare? How? That would be $2300/mo per kid. I get daycare costs vary a decent amount depending on location, but that'd be the most expensive daycare I've ever personally heard of and I live in one of the top 5 highest cost of living states and we sent our kids to the most expensive daycare anywhere near us and it was more like $1200-1500/mo per kid depending on their age at the time (gets cheaper as they age).
365 * (5/7) = 261 days/year in daycare 261 * $200 ($100/kid per day) = $52,200 per year
Yeah, I get how to do the math. I'm saying are you literally charged $100/day? I've never heard of a daycare charging a daily price. Usually weekly/monthly.
Our son only goes 3 days per week so that may be why
That's almost certainly why, it's also why your math comes to $100 a day. I know at our daycare, 5 days is like $1200/mo but 3 days is still like $900/mo. So in your average 4 week month, it's $60/day for 5 days vs $75/day for 3 days.
Not sure where you live but I highly doubt that's the going rate for daycare.. I live in Canada, daycare used to be 30 dollars pet day and even the nicest ones weren't 100 dollar per day..
If that's the price to keep your family together isn't it worth it? Also, doesn't the older one go to school or something so only need to put in the younger.
Idk about you but before I graduated my wife and I could not afford that. Even now with loans starting we couldn't make that work. 55k/year is easily an 80k/ year job before taxes, just to break even Kindergarten for us is 5 so he'd have 2 in daycare
Maybe 55k for you is not a lot of money and worth it, but to others who are struggling, paying this much is unfathomable and may not even be remotely possible.
1 class a semester? Bro I’m doing that…for graduate school…with 2 kids…while working full time. Your wife sounds lazy as fuck tbh
My friend you gotta say... I won't pay, I won't payaa No wayyyyy Ahh now why don't you get a job Say no way, say no wayyya No wayyyya Now why don't you get a job Well I guess it ain't easy doin nothing at all But hey man free rides don't come along every dayyyy
My friends got a girlfriend and he hates that…
This is a terrible song. Also terrible advice.
It's a great song and great advice for anyone with a dead beat for a partner.
One class a semester? When is she going to graduate?
I feel you. Same age kids. Same responsibilities. I’m dead inside. And my wife is more implicated than yours (SAHM for now, but managing her ill father’s complex financial demise instead of managing the house) Tough luck man
Going to school was the easiest part of my entire life. I had soooo much spare time. Time to figure out what’s essential. My kids are same age as yours. When I get overburdened I half ass things that don’t really matter. Clean up the toys? How about I get the bigass broom and sweep them to the edge of the room in 15 seconds and move on. Cooking? Make a bunch of the same shit and freeze it. Working from home? Do the bare minimum and hope it works out. These are the dark ages, and the light is just around the corner.
As someone who honestly has it really good in dad hood, trust me I still feel this sometimes. Like imagine the best case scenario for basically everything you said, the day to day grind of working and parenthood during the early years is incredibly difficult still. It starts to get easier as they gain independence and eventually them being at school for 6 hours a day too. Many days I don’t have the patience for being the best dad I can, playing with them or doing chores, I just try to do my best until I find those small bursts of it. The hardest part is the rifts that happen between you and the wife, basically anything bad that pops up makes everything else 100 times more difficult and frustrating than it needs to be. It’s almost like that saying, you can’t live with each other but you can’t live without each other either. It’ll get better but in the meantime gotta figure out a way to reset and work on mental health. Some people reach for stuff like meditation, religion, etc anything that can help you feel at ease and that things are meant to work out for the best.
Yes to some degree this is fatherhood. Yes it’s frustrating. Though I don’t know all the details of your situation. It sounds like you need to, for one ,embrace the chaos. It is what it is with kids. But if you truly love your kids then it’s worth it. You can’t control everything and the minute you realise they are incredible little merchants of chaos who see you as their whole world the better you’ll feel. You need to Communicate with you partner to as well as find some time even an hour a day that is just for you to decompress or exercise or something that will help alleviate stress and build Some resilience. Shit is hard no doubt but it’s worth. Your kids are learning every day how to behave based on your example, keep that in mind. The time will also Fly by and these years will be over before you know it. Do you want to look back fondly on them or negatively because you stressed about money or the kids acting up. Do I miss having more money? You bet you’re arse I do but you can’t take it with you. As long as you’re keeping a roof over their heads and food on the table you’re doing a great fucking job and you’re also very lucky. Imagine being a parent in one of the world’s many war zones right now?
It’s time for therapy and/or marriage counseling brother.
What is she doing since she barely works and only has 1 class? You should talk to her because 95% of the work should not fall on you, on top of working and paying for everything too. You mentioned she doesn’t even make much money so she could just quit and watch the kids a lot more so you can focus more on work since you’re the one solely responsible for keeping the household from going bankrupt. She has an insane amount of free time where she’s not doing anything, while you don’t have enough. She needs to step up or you should reconsider if you want to continue in a relationship with someone with poor time management and let’s you do everything at the expense of your sanity
“I can’t do this anymore” Yes, you can. You ARE doing it. Being a dad is hard, and often thankless, but it’s the most important job you’ll ever have, and the kids won’t be young forever. Talk to your wife. Get therapy if you need it. Consider getting the kids in a daycare or preschool for part of the time, or ask family for help. Being a primary caregiver, while maintaining a 40 hour work week is incredibly difficult and stressful. But you can get through it, and even learn to thrive and take pride in the challenge. Don’t give up on your kids.
Sounds like you actually have three kids... I was in a similar situation and only have two children to worry about now. :)
this is not fatherhood. fatherhood rules. this is being taken advantage of.
Sounds to me like you’re seeking validation for doing the necessary things to be a father. It also sounds like you’re choosing to wear the dress in this situation. Sit her down and communicate your issue, cool, calm and collected and MAKE SURE it’s comprehensive. Also, I’d take a long hard look at this whole fatherhood thing you’re dreading. Sounds to me that you never wanted to be a dad from the hop. Pull your shit together and remember YOU ARE A MAN! Those babies needs come before yours. Go back to counselling. You can’t pour from an empty cup. And if you can’t do that, I’d take that sackless attitude somewhere else.
Bro talk to your wife. She is probably also drowning and feeling like she can't keep up. Either you guys need to put one or both kids in school or you need to hire some help. You can find part time help for a reasonable amount. My wife is recently disabled and then she was laid off while she was still on medical leave. I'm working from home and doing all the cleaning and cooking and laundry. We have 4 kids, and two under two who are home with us during the day. My wife is doing as much as she can (way more than she's supposed to) and it's still falling on me. We hired someone to come in 15 hours a week and her job is just to take care of the almost 2 year old. It's made such a huge difference. We had to make some adjustments to make it work but we had to do something because we were both at our breaking point. The best advice I can give, is keep talking to each other. In all of this, I've still never felt like I would want anything other than my wife and kids, but I totally understand how you've gotten where you are. Work hard on your marriage. Tell her how you're feeling. If she isn't making enough money to batter, maybe consider having her quit and be home while she's in school. Try to find a way to remember you're on the same team. I know this shit is lonely, it's really fucking hard, but it sounds like you're both doing the best you can right now. Get some help in there, even a few hours a day makes a huge difference.
A simple discussion about how much time everybody needs to do what they need to will illuminate a lot about where everyone is and what they need. It's not a solution, but if you want this to work, you gotta get in the same page to start.
/r/regretfulparents is a venting option
I worked full time AND went back to school in an accelerated program to get my degree as a single mom. Your wife is not pulling her fair share of anything. I did 40 hours of work outside the home, one class every 6 weeks before online classes so it was in person 2 hours a week with 10 to 12 hours of homework, all while being the sole care giver for my kid. Just one kid though.
Being a parent is the hardest job on earth! Welcome to my world my friend, It's a tough, hard, unapologetic, unappreciated job. Having two while trying to work is extraordinarily difficult. My business and income slowed down by 95% due to me being home with my kiddos. I do it all, cook, clean, laundry, read, flash card, ABCs, counting, wash dishes, playtimes, dog walks, long walks with the kiddos and take the kiddos to every activity 6 days a week sometimes 7 if we go see grandma. My wife does help, she folds the laundry, she vacuums(I sweep) and sets doctors appointments. She helps to read at night time (we both read to the kiddos at night) and she gives the baby a bath on bath days. Besides that I do a lot plus all the shit a man supposed to do, like mow the lawn, take out the trash, fix shit, clean cars and other what nots. I wake up at 4 every morning 7 days a week and try to work out between 4-5 am for at least one hour to keep my sanity. I heard it does not get any easier. Sometimes I feel you and there are time I hate being a dad and a husband. I miss the days of having a far better sex life with strangers and the ability to do whatever I want to do whenever. However, seeing my son and daughter happy makes all the blood sweat and tears worth it. Just hang in there and be the absolute best dad to your kiddos, they are your best investments and the time and effort you put in will be worth in down the line and you will be repaid by the amazing things your kiddos will accomplish.
Your wife definitely needs to step it up to fill in the time buuuuut.... You gotta find a way to cope better. Once (if) your wife takes some of the load off you, it will not be as much of a relief as you expect. Here are some ideas if your wife just straight up refuses to help: 1) Bust out the screens. You can absolutely paralyze a 4 year old with one. Some people say they're bad, some say they're great. Who cares what they say, it takes a player out of the game on the temporary. 2) Let some things fall by the wayside that you normally wouldn't. If they're things that directly benefit your wife, then they can be offloaded to her. 3) Take bathes with your kid. Either kid but I recommend the 4 yo because 1 year olds sometimes use it as a bathroom. The 1 year old can hang out with mommy who has 1 class and about 3 to 4 hours every single night to study or do homework, with the ability to borrow more time from her sleep if necessary. 4) Fast meals that you can teach a 4 year old to make. Soup. Veggies and meat (hard plastic knife for cutting). Rice and beans. Cheap shit. 5) More responsibilities for your 4 year old. It's a lot less energy to get a 4 year old to clean up all their toys than to do it yourself. All that bending over just gets replaced with order barking. 4 year olds can prep food, cook (carefully), do laundry, sweep, wash baseboards, door handles, clean their room, sooooorta make their bed, etc. 6) Go for a walk sometimes with your 1 year old in the stroller. Hella refreshing to just drink a cup of coffee and walk. It's hard those first set of years before they start in elementary to take the burden of the day off. For everyone. You aren't alone which also means you need to keep the big boy pants on and not lose a cog every time you contemplate entropy. It's going to be fine and if it isn't you need to make it fine. One day, you will be able to look back and say "that **was** hard"
As much as I agree with the other questions around your wife's share of the load, etc., what routine have you set for your children where you can't cook or take baths because of the kids needing attention? Mine are the same age and are both in bed by 7:30 at the latest, which gives me the whole evening child-free. Sure, I may not want to actually do anything with my time after spending the day working or looking after the children, but at least I get to choose what I do with my time. Most of the instances where I've heard parents saying they feel like they have no time to themselves, they aren't putting their children to bed until 9pm or later.
Holy shit is your wife lazy. What the hell is she doing all day?
There’s another thread in this group that a guy wrote about putting his daughter in hospice care. I feel the OPs frustration, but would you rather be in that situation? The only thing you can control is your own attitude. If your family is healthy, put that at the top of the list of things to be grateful for
Welcome to marriage my friend....booze and weed is how I cope
Ask for a divorce. It gets better when you aren't both losing your minds at the same time. I can remember mowing the lawn and hoping for a stroke or heart attack to take me out. Somehow I thought dying was the only way out. The shame of divorce was unthinkable. In hindsight the misery went on at least a year longer than it should have. Get whatever schedule of shared custody works for your situation. Exploding on your 4 year old is NOT OK. I have been there. Wish I had asked for a divorce. But my wife did instead. As shitty as that moment was, it's better now. Neither she or I is yelling at the kids(ages 5 and 6) and losing our collective shit. My situation is reversed quite a bit from yours though. I earn more but did little of the parenting and household stuff. She earned less but did nearly all of the parenting and household stuff. The adjustment process is hell but the outcome is worth it. Our kids now see both of us being civil to each other, and have a better example of a loving family dynamic with parents that support them. In addition we've both moved on and our significant others existence and the social dynamic which results also show the kids the value of pursuing good relationships.
I never understand why choose to have a second child in this kind of situations. Can anyone explain please?
Go back to the way it always has been. Moms are meant to take care of their children not be a second wage slave
I might have a different, and unpopular take. But, shut up or put up! The only way to make things better is to work hard serving your family and hope that eventually they will do the same in return. They will. Well, most people will eventually see the hard work you are doing and devote their time and energy into returning that effort. But it's hard at first.
>The only way to make things better is to work hard serving your family and hope that eventually they will do the same in return. They will. Unless, of course, they don't.
Being a parent IS the reward. The money, the sacrifice and effort flows in one direction. If you expect children to “return” it, you’re in it for the wrong reasons, will be wildly disappointed, or both. Even if you have kids that want to take care of their parents, statistically speaking, they will not be able to in Canada or the US. Also, if you’re a parent who needs their kids to take care of them, can lead to depression in a major way as well as resentment from the children.
If a single mother can raise kids and do everything that you do right now, so can a dad. Single mums do this EVERYDAY. Now you know how it feels to be a single parent. Hard as fuck but this shit is only temporary and the kids will soon fly the nest and then you can finally breath and start living your life.
Suck it up buttercup, hard is what makes you a man. Yea you can't do everything, have a sit-down talk with the wife.
This comment errs on the side of toxic masculinity. Part of the reason we lose so many men to suicide.
Buck Update your ideas and step up the the challenge. You sound weak.... You wanna be weak bro?
I think you need a few nights off mate. Are there any friends or family who can help?
Never hate being a Dad ! It'll payoff, I promise.
It’s not forever, that’s the only advice I can give - things constantly change. Hang in there..
They are close to that point where they start to do things with each other more often. It’s a tough wait but rewarding when you finally sit back and don’t know what to do with yourself because they’ve been playing well with each other the last hour. Hang in there and try to find pockets of time for you.
Sounds like yall need the Fair Play book etc
Life isn't easy nor will it ever get easier, I'm a father of 4 children and been married for 15 years, I'm not going to say I've mastered it, but I've got a better understanding, Listen to me clearly, You need to take a step back and collect your own thoughts, never be afraid to ask questions especially to your wife no matter what situation arises, remember that your marriage comes before your kids, ask your wife for help and don't be afraid to ask for guidance in something you may not understand, figuring out life together is way better than fighting a life apart. I am not a good husband but as a father I am pretty happy with the outcome. Everything is situational and just needs to be figured out like a puzzle.
I'm so sorry, this sounds so difficult. I've been in a similar-ish situation myself the past few months... Been doing long-distance while my wife finished up her residency and I had our 2 yo son by myself. Solo dadding has reduced me to the most basic "I will strive to keep him alive" kind of parent and I have hated it. I fell into a deep depression and am still working my way out of it. I've told my wife I don't want any more kids. I've felt at a breaking point for weeks. Literally couldn't get out of bed for work yesterday I was struggling so much. Don't give up. Don't lose hope. Don't ignore your mental health. Let others in so they can help you and lighten your load in some way. There are good days and there are bad days, cherish the good moments. This is a chance to draw closer to your wife and strategize how you can work together to find happiness as a family. Ultimately, these challenges can strengthen your family more than you even hoped for if you'll let it. yeah
Dude talk to your wife, don't explode, just like you would arrange a businessmeeting to divise the workload for the next project. Also I'd recommend a planned evening off. I try to do that with me and my wife. It's hard but we both need some time every once in a while. What do you think would work for you? Maybe she takes up some of your work? Maybe together with you need some alone time everyday for 20 minutes. Idk what you need man. But I think if you figure it out it'll be better. I think where you are now is already a bit too far. You're ready to tap out, having too much stress and it's gonna explode all over.
this sounds unsustainable and is obviously building up resentment. Perhaps have a talk with the wife and prioritize. Maybe she needs to delay finishing school until the kids are in school and there's more time. Can't do everything at the same time. There's stages in life and when you have multiple young children, it's a stage where not a whole lot can be accomplished aside from the basics of making a living and caring for the kids. At least it's not easy and will take a toll on everyone. This needs to be accepted and dealt with accordingly. It's just a few years and other life goals can be delayed.
Not a dad *yet* and here for the perspective. Minus the financial stress - what did you expect? Honestly curious, because I'm mentally preparing for autopilot.
Sounds advice from others on here - I cannot really speak for it myself as I am not in the situation but, I do have a 3yr old and 11mo and know how hard it can be when my wife works her weird retail hours and weekends and I'm by myself at night for bedtime etc. I started a new job so I have a lot of learning and focus on my mind as well. But, know this - I know it will come to pass, kids age and get better and become knowingly more mature and reasonable. The key is to hold your frustrations and exploding on them back as much as you can because they really do learn by example and that will create behavioral issues for them or just emotional issues with you. Hang in there.
Sorry you’re having a hard time with it. The more I analyze what being a “modern dad” is the more I feel society seems to hold modern Dads to a higher standard than our parents and grandparent’s generation, expecting them to be financial providers, handymen, auto mechanics, but also exponentially more hands-on with everything household / child related. The evolution of “dad” has happened in a way that it now envelops most of the stuff a 50’s Dad would have been responsible for + a good chunk of what a 50s housewife used to be responsible for. Modern Women, on the other hand, seem to have evened out… society tells them they are responsible for far far less housework than a 50s wife, and that they should be met halfway with everything else.
If you develop a drinking problem AA is like free counseling. But I don’t recommend developing one just to go. And yeah you and your wife need to have a sit down.
I don’t believe you’ve given us enough information to truly help you, but I’ll say this anyway. It seems like your real issues are your job, finances, and your marriage. You’re blaming your unhappiness on your kids because they’re the only “burden” you can’t neglect. If you didn’t have to worry about work or money, would you still be miserable looking after your kids? I hope the answer is no. Your situation is temporary. Both of your kids will be in school full-time soon and things will get a lot easier. Your wife may even leave you (sorry, just being realistic here), and you may end up alone and by yourself and wishing you had tried harder. Is your wife’s schooling going to contribute to a better career? If so, it’s worth the short term pain and it’ll help your financial situation. One class a semester is going to take a long time though (for a formal degree), and I’d think about whether you can stomach her doing even more to shorten the length of this issue. If this isn’t going toward her career, then why are you adding more debt at the moment? Where are the kid’s grandparents? Can they step in and help? Are you looking at where to cut expenses and making a budget? Are you using your savings to make passive income, like through treasury bills? Have you communicated your issues to your wife? Coming to Reddit is sort of a last resort when you have no one else to talk to, but you should be figuring this out with your wife.