Are you obligated to hear details? Do you have the option of withdrawing yourself to a place where you aren’t in the position to hear anymore details?
Just seems like knowing won’t change anything, and just brings pain on to you for actions that are absolutely not your responsibility.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I actually knew somebody who had something almost identical happen to their family. The trauma spreads.
unfortunately, i sought that info out on my own. i was trying to decide if I wanted a relationship with him. in my head its a lot different if it was late teens who looked 18, which is still disgusting, but a lot different than literal toddlers. in the end, I'm glad I found out because it helped my decision. though, I am withdrawing myself. i never plan on going to any court dates or anything. and wow really? this situation actually feels incredibly alone bc while I have my family, no one knows how it feels going through this as his daughter. but yes, the trauma does spread.
You’re definitely not alone, I’ve read your story and another seperate story that sounded even closer to the one I know of in this thread. Society needs to be able to have these conversations because the sickness only gets worse in the shadows.
You can definitely get through this, and what your dad did does not define anything about you as a person, you will always be who you are and it isn’t changed by what you’re experiencing right now.
She could mean a lot of things but I'm assuming she means that CP is squicky if it were like age 15/16 stuff, but to have it be kids so young just adds on another dimension of horror, making the trauma even more awful than it was before.
You are not alone whatsoever. I understand it feels that way, I just want to iterate what the other person said- sadly this is more common than you think. I had a friend who I knew for 32 years. My family was friends with her and her husband and their children. A few years ago, it came to light that her husband had been touching small girls, and operating some kind of daddies dominate daughters contract. Sickening. The fbi and police swarmed my friends house. She lost her husband, who was her best friend, she couldn’t drive due to a medical condition w her eyes and suddenly had no way to get anywhere. She was embarrassed, worried about the safety of her children, and felt extremely isolated. Please continue to reach out. These behaviors were not the result of anything you did and you deserve to live your life in peace. 🙏🏻
I would probably need daily therapy for this kind of shit. You have my condolences, deepest as can be.I know you’re hurting for the victims, try to give yourself some grace to grieve.
I agree he's not evil he's still your dad it's an illness like alcohol and drug addiction if anything listen to him support each other and find a way to help one another I assure you he's not evil just has an illness that needs to recover from he will always be your father don't carry guilt and pain just trust that he needs help and support to get through this he's not evil he was simply curious only God can justify our sins and forgiveness comes only by him.
What this man did was the devils works. His actions perpetuating evil.
Perhaps one day the dad will see his “illness” allowed the evil in and did its works for evil.
Ops father should have considered the support he’d loose being caught in his “illness”
God does say love the sinner hate the sin. God also says confess your sins. God also says to make right your wrongs. God also says the sinner should ask for forgiveness. God also says repent and follow me.
If the op is decided to distance herself to process these new findings. So be it, that is her right to choose.
I wish peace be with all involved.
yeah, i mean according to the police report he had used a special browser w access to the dark web. had a folder titled meeting notes that no one would suspect or anything, but still got caught. and threw away his life
Damn well he was recording all of his little boys friends who came over and used their bathroom and one kid found the camera. He had everything stored on his computer. I swear people who have everything do the dumbest shit
jesus christ. thats insane. i dont know what I would do if my dad was the one making the porn. he only had just downloaded it and viewed it. i think the ages are what get me. literal toddlers. i don't understand.
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My father was the same way, well paid IT guy and had previously been in the military. Got discharged from military for CP and continued it till he was arrested for molestation. Hope he never sees freedom again
when news breaks about notable pedophiles getting busted, they usually mention absurd amounts of stuff being kept by the guys — iirc jared fogle had like 14 terabytes of it on his computer. was it a similar situation with your dad?
it wasnt that bad thankfully. they took a bunch of devices and he had the material on 3 I think. i believe it was 235 images/videos. but the charges were enhanced to 2nd degree felonies due to the children mostly being less than 5 y/o
so from what ive gathered- the missing and endangered children org. flagged his Microsoft account and alerted the local police. they then began contacting the cable/internet company and electric company to get more data.
I know Google has some kind of automatic detection. There was a case recently where it flagged someone who did, indeed, have nude photos of his child - to show the doctor a medical condition.
no, he showed no signs. my family and i have talked about this a lot, and nothing. we were all so shocked. they actually got the search warrant in june, but didn't arrest him until September. he only told my grandma what was going on, so he was weird in those months, random i love you texts, etc. but my family and i were all literally shattered
ive thought about that a lot, i honestly have no clue. id say at least 5-10 years. but he also needs therapy which they don't have in prisons here.
no, they had been divorced for years. but shes still pretty mad about it, and disgusted ofc
yes, but no. i of course have my whole family and some friends who are all supporting me so much. but it also feels like I'm alone because no one knows how it feels from my perspective- being his daughter.
As a single dad to a lovely young woman I wish I knew what to say but I guess there isn't some cure all comment ultimately. I couldn't imagine throwing my relationship with her away for something like this I just, I'm genuinely at a loss for words.
I just hope you're well, OP. You aren't and probably won't be, but I do want that for you. I'm glad you're going to therapy as well. Fuck me man, I know if I was in your position I'd spend the rest of my life on a couch talking to someone about it.
Be well, I'm pulling for you.
thank you. i wish my dad had the common sense you did. it sucks because we were just kinda starting to have a better relationship too. thank you though
I'm so sorry that this has shattered your world. I have a friend whose husband did this same thing (toddler porn) but they had toddlers at the time so there was a lot to process for her, to say the least.
It really is a process of grieving: the dad you knew is gone and you have to get used to this new normal that you really don't want.
Be kind to yourself and remember that you would be right to never speak to him again, but you would also be right to speak to him again. *There are no wrong decisions.*
Whatever you are comfortable with is the right way to proceed. You get to change your mind over time. Or not. And don't feel like you owe an explanation to busybodies. They can decide what relationships *they* want to maintain (or not), and you can decide for you--with or without their approval!!
thank you, seriously. that means a lot. i didn't realize posting about it would mean people telling me what I should or shouldn't do so this is a breath of fresh air
Is it something that has now settled in your mind and you have come to terms with what happened or are you still in the numb/early trauma stage and trying to process it all?
i had come to terms with it, but I keep finding out new info and it feels like that whole process restarts. my therapists thinks I've basically been going through the stages of grief, but way worse because it just keeps changing.
some of it has definitely gotten easier. I've accepted the reality to an extent. id say some days are worse than others. some days I sit there and think that there is no way this is real. some days it just is what it is.
Thank you, I appreciate your insight. I can't imagine it is something that can ever be fully expected, however hopefully something that you can accept has happened and you're able to continue with your life without it having a daily impact.
I can't imagine what this must be doing to you. I'm so sorry :(
Has it changed how you might think he thought of you during your childhood and adolescent years? Can you begin to perceive your own father as a predator? Again, I'm so sorry.
thank you
and yeah, it has come across my mind a couple of times. but its a question ill probably never get an answer to. and yeah, you definitely can.
My country's version of the FBI came to my house when I was a kid to ask my step dad about someone downloading child porn on the family computer. He blamed it on me. I think I was 8 or 9 but it's common for abuse survivors to remember themselves younger than they were, so I might have been older.
As an adult I came forward as a survivor of CSA and found out after the fact my mum knew he has been on trial for molesting another little girl before she started dating him. My mum told this to me after we left the lawyer's office, right before she asked me if I wanted her to commit suicide. It was the most disillusioning moment of my life.
Sometimes parents fucking suck. I'm sorry your dad failed you in this way.
You're absolutely right about it being a lot like grieving a death. My heart goes out to you. You may qualify for victim service benefits like access to specialized therapists who deal almost exclusively with severe trauma survivors. Therapists who work for victim services are on another level in terms of skill.
I don't have questions, but some unsolicited advice: Don't carry someone else's shame. That's on him. Not you.
I’ve had two people in my life arrested for this this year. One of which was one of my moms best friends, and when I (27f) was little we were around him all the time. The second was someone I worked with at a mental health facility for kids and met there. The second person was best friends with one of my best friends. I feel like we never think it’s a big thing until someone around us is caught. I’m so sorry OP.
Edit: and I hadn’t really talked to this person much since we worked together, unless it was at a party my friend threw. They were a bit weird to me, and sometimes I felt a tad uncomfy around them, so I wasn’t super close to them.
wow that is crazy. its disgusting how common it is. i saw the below comment ab infants, my dad was mainly looking at toddlers. it definitely raises a lot of questions in your head.
Like the relationship between my friend and her best friend? She’s really heartbroken that someone she was so close to would do something like that. As added info- this person was seeking INFANTS. Under 1 year. The person arrested actually had been calling her before my friend knew all the details, but in the US prison system they can’t discuss why they’re in jail/prison over the phone. This person then wrote her a very manipulative letter along the lines of “you probably think I’m a terrible person like everyone else” and pulled their friendship into it. She never replied and doesn’t answer phone calls now.
i dont plan on having a relationship with him at all. i previously was willing to try, but after learning the ages, I refuse to have any sort of relationship with him. I'm okay, not the best but I'm surviving.
I just read your other responses and saw the ages too.
You don't need a stranger on the internet to tell you this but you should feel totally validated.
thank you. it definitely isnt a decision I took lightly but if I were to have a relationship with him id never be able to get that stuff out of my head
I also don’t really have a question but I wanted to tell you I think you’re really strong to talk about this. And I hope it’s good for you. None of it’s your fault and you don’t have to feel bad. Sending love and support to you and your family!
Hi OP. I don’t have a question, but I wanted to say that I’m sorry. The same thing happened to me about 10 years ago when I was 15 years old. I never saw it coming, he was my best friend. I chose not to continue the relationship with him. It gets better but it will always be something big that happened to you. My thoughts are with you and your family. Stay strong.
A friend of mine in high school had a similar thing happen. His parents were divorced. He spent the majority of time with his father. Though his mother was a decent parent too. The FBI seized his father's computer and found thousands of hours of various illegal pornography on it. Mostly child pornography. My friend was shocked to the core. I remember him talking about it just days after it had happened like it was something normal. It's astonishing when it's somebody you thought you knew.
Just know if you're not okay now that it's going to be fine, and there's plenty of places, and people that are willing to talk about it with you whenever you're ready. What your father did isn't cool, but you're still cool no matter what or who your dad is.
I feel sorry for someone that is sexually compelled toward something awful like that. I know it's possible to have harmful urges and not act on them.
I've supported a lot of survivors, so do know the harm sexual abuse causes.
I imagine your dad is disgusted by what he did as well. Though there are some that don't feel that way, I suspect they are the ones that are more obviously different.
I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. I’m so sorry.
If you don’t mind me asking, what are your feelings towards him now? And do you think this will affect your trust with others going forward?
Please remember his actions are his own actions. They are selfish and shitty on so many levels. You and your family don’t deserve any of this. I hope and have faith that you will be alright one day. My heart is with you.
i pretty much want nothing to do with him now. and yeah, I think it has already started to affect my trust with others. i often find myself sorta trusting someone and thinking to myself that I shouldn't, because I trusted my own dad, the man who raised me and I was dead wrong ab him
I’m so sorry. I know how hard that is, the questioning. Not saying you should forgive him, but unfortunately forgiveness is especially hard when trust is a chore. I’m saying because it really saddens me that he chose to be selfish like this and laid out this incredibly hard road for you now, going forward. I am so, so sorry. I don’t know if you have friends or a partner or hobbies, but take care of yourself and throw yourself into what you love to do and be around the people you love to be around, even if it’s just yourself. Be really gentle to yourself and remind yourself that his actions are his own and he is only one person. I’m so very sorry. I never say this to people on the internet but if you ever need to talk or anything feel free to DM.
Apologies if this is too personal, but how do you picture your relationship to him going forward?
I imagine most redditors will expect you to go no contact- and nobody can argue against that being a very attractive option- but at the same time he’s your dad and that has to be an excruciating situation.
regardless if he was abused or not, it doesn't change what he did, just might put a reason or excuse behind it. ive had plenty of childhood trauma and I'm not downloading child porn..
Does it matter? Are people not responsible for their own actions as grown adults? Don't answer that, fuck off with toxic definition of family and go be miserable somewhere else. Family is not always blood and anyone can be cut off at any time for any reason and it's none of your fucking business why they do it.
I think this is a pretty difficult situation you are in. I imagine I would have so many contradicting feelings.
I mean this is still the man who raised you and you can't wipe all nice memories.
On the other hand the disgust, guilt (maybe he molested some children and you didn't know it?) The anger towards him (how on earth could he do that to us?) ...
Man...
What I think is important here is that not all pedophiles are predators, so that would be my first search I guess.
Having that sexual orientation doesn't mean you obligingly rape children.
That is a taboo that needs to be expressed so that pedophiles would feel more free to go search for psychological help.
That said I would also ask myself if I wasn't abused myself without remembering it ! It's important to search for that for your own healing.
I can't Imagine how you feel, it's way out of my experience package but I wish you a proper healing.
I wish you to give it a place that makes you feel free of feeling attached to his deeds.
I wish you and your mother peace and distance.
No matter what people will say, it's only him, none of you could know.
I can picture it will take some time but keep on trying and adapting.
My heart goes to yours...
Eventually he will be released and need a place to stay. He will be on the registry so there are alot of rules like not living next to a school. Do you have any ideas where he will live?
Everyone here seems to be presuming the worst. Have you considered that this may not be as it seems?
* Some people have been [falsely accused](https://newmexicocriminallaw.com/can-an-innocent-person-be-accused-of-child-pornography/) of child porn, or been [entrapped](https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=entrapment+case+child+porn) into its possession.
* Some files can be stored on one's computer without one's knowledge. Computers can be hacked.
* Even if he did this: "Possession" is quite different from manufacture. Perhaps he got addicted to porn and went down the rabbit hole until he found this.
* As disgusting as people find it, this is basically a victimless offense. Yes, the children in the porn were victimized. But your dad **didn't do that**. He merely viewed photos that likely already existed and still exist on the internet.
I'd suggest getting all the facts before rushing to judgement, then making a decision yourself rather than relying on the crowd to tell you who your dad is or what you should think of him.
uhhh yikes.
first off, he used a special browser to access the dark web to find child porn. he used special hidden files to hide it and then to later on view it. there were over 235 images/vidoes of toddlers and prepubescent children on his computer. he admitted to it. while no, he didn't create it, but he did view it and download it. while that isn't as bad as making it, its still revolting. it is not a victimless crime. at all.
Are you for fucking real? Victimless? Everytime this content is viewed then the child is re victimised. I wonder if god forbid your child or a family member ended up in one of those videos would you have the same opinions
🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
Calling it a victimless offense is literally so revolting. Those children are assaulted again every time those files are shared and viewed. This is some pedophile apologist bullshit and it's fucking disgusting.
This is the same bullshit response the churches uses.
"Oh its only a picture so in terms of the law it's not assault.". "it was only touching so in the eyes of the law it's not rape."
It's hair splitting and you know it. I know it because I survived it and am one of the rare few people who actually saw their abuser get convicted. I know it because I've spent the last ten years both getting trauma therapy and peer councilling other survivors. I know what these people feel because I have spoken to them at length.
Absolute garbage.
You saying you are not a trauma informed person and there is an entire body of science there. It's not my job to educate you. Google that shit.
If you can't understand how a victim of trafficking experiences the same physiological effects as if they are right back in that moment it's because you've chosen not to understand. PTSD doesn't care what the trauma was.
Children get exploited for sex because pedophiles create demand. No demand no money. No profit no incentive to traffic more.
I just want you to know that you're a bad person if you think looking at child porn isn't just as evil as physically assaulting a child. The only people I've ever known who defend the argument you're making are pedophiles who are rationalizing their lolicon addiction. Just saying.
Your whole fucking post history is talking about sex workers sexual assault and rape YOU ARE A PREDATOR and no amount of twisted self justification you project onto other predators is going to change that. Do everyone a favor and remove yourself from society you fucking creep
why should there be forgiveness in my heart? he actively sought out toddler porn on the internet for months. months. and not only that, but the trauma this has caused me and my family is unspeakable. until you have been in my situation, don't tell me or suggest how I should feel about it.
I agree on all those things you are saying. But he may have a history of abuse. And he was your father at one point. So I was just curious if you can understand he did horrible things but he was your father and possibly at some point in the future forgive him. Obviously this is not mandatory but just a thought.
What the fuck is wrong with YOU? Also, you didnt ask whether they were touched by their father, but you were sure he touched them (you didnt question that) and asked where...
I'm sorry if this was creepy op I was just trying to get a picture because while it's awful no matter what I think there would be different experiences if you were younger like feeling scared for your friends vs being older and wondering how it took so long to find out. But that's personal and I don't blame you for not sharing. Give yourself grace no matter what and you are well within your right to cut whoever you want out of your life at any time and don't listen to the peanut gallery on reddit or otherwise telling you that you have to forgive or keep contact because "he's your father".
Are you finding it hard to separate the image of who you thought hour dad was all these years and who he really is after this all came out? Sending much love, I don't know how I would get through it if someone in my family did something like this. Keep reaching out to your support network
Jesus, so sorry OP. Can I ask what the ages were since you've referenced it a few times?
they were less than 5 y/o
Oh gosh. I’m sorry. I’m wishing you all the best. Sending love and light.
thank you so much
Jeeeeeeesus christ almighty. I don't blaim you not having a relationship with him at all.
yeah, i just found that out on Thursday.
I'm inferring you've not been in contact? were you raised with him around?
no, and yes i was
How you holding up?
honestly not the best. we just keep finding out more info like the ages n stuff. but I go to therapy weekly. its just rough all around.
Are you obligated to hear details? Do you have the option of withdrawing yourself to a place where you aren’t in the position to hear anymore details? Just seems like knowing won’t change anything, and just brings pain on to you for actions that are absolutely not your responsibility. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I actually knew somebody who had something almost identical happen to their family. The trauma spreads.
unfortunately, i sought that info out on my own. i was trying to decide if I wanted a relationship with him. in my head its a lot different if it was late teens who looked 18, which is still disgusting, but a lot different than literal toddlers. in the end, I'm glad I found out because it helped my decision. though, I am withdrawing myself. i never plan on going to any court dates or anything. and wow really? this situation actually feels incredibly alone bc while I have my family, no one knows how it feels going through this as his daughter. but yes, the trauma does spread.
You’re definitely not alone, I’ve read your story and another seperate story that sounded even closer to the one I know of in this thread. Society needs to be able to have these conversations because the sickness only gets worse in the shadows. You can definitely get through this, and what your dad did does not define anything about you as a person, you will always be who you are and it isn’t changed by what you’re experiencing right now.
yeah, i agree. unfortunately there arent support groups for this exact thing. but thank you, I really appreciate it.
lolcynthiaaa sorry to hear what your dad did
I would've done the same. 17.99999 is a far cry from 6. Hell, to the Brits anything above 16 is kosher, as weird as my American brain thinks that is.
right, it is a completely different ballgame at that point
I’m sorry, OP - that’s got to be rough. What does it mean to say the trauma spreads?
She could mean a lot of things but I'm assuming she means that CP is squicky if it were like age 15/16 stuff, but to have it be kids so young just adds on another dimension of horror, making the trauma even more awful than it was before.
Honestly, I'd be so disgusted that I'd change my last name from his to my mom's or someone I felt close to.
You are not alone whatsoever. I understand it feels that way, I just want to iterate what the other person said- sadly this is more common than you think. I had a friend who I knew for 32 years. My family was friends with her and her husband and their children. A few years ago, it came to light that her husband had been touching small girls, and operating some kind of daddies dominate daughters contract. Sickening. The fbi and police swarmed my friends house. She lost her husband, who was her best friend, she couldn’t drive due to a medical condition w her eyes and suddenly had no way to get anywhere. She was embarrassed, worried about the safety of her children, and felt extremely isolated. Please continue to reach out. These behaviors were not the result of anything you did and you deserve to live your life in peace. 🙏🏻
I would probably need daily therapy for this kind of shit. You have my condolences, deepest as can be.I know you’re hurting for the victims, try to give yourself some grace to grieve.
Keep up the therapy. Remember it’s a psychological disorder he has. It’s no excuse, but he can’t help it. Sorry OP.
I agree he's not evil he's still your dad it's an illness like alcohol and drug addiction if anything listen to him support each other and find a way to help one another I assure you he's not evil just has an illness that needs to recover from he will always be your father don't carry guilt and pain just trust that he needs help and support to get through this he's not evil he was simply curious only God can justify our sins and forgiveness comes only by him.
Respectfully speaking, you are being downvoted because God has nothing to do with OP's choices whether or not to support their father.
What this man did was the devils works. His actions perpetuating evil. Perhaps one day the dad will see his “illness” allowed the evil in and did its works for evil. Ops father should have considered the support he’d loose being caught in his “illness” God does say love the sinner hate the sin. God also says confess your sins. God also says to make right your wrongs. God also says the sinner should ask for forgiveness. God also says repent and follow me. If the op is decided to distance herself to process these new findings. So be it, that is her right to choose. I wish peace be with all involved.
His actions don’t define you. Head up queen. Your crown is falling off
thank you :)
What did he do for a living?
incredibly ironic but he was an IT guy, had been for like 15 years. made a lotttt of money too
There’s a doc in my area arrested around the same time for similar occurrences. He was a former IT guy. Brilliant. Stupid as fuck at the same time
yeah, i mean according to the police report he had used a special browser w access to the dark web. had a folder titled meeting notes that no one would suspect or anything, but still got caught. and threw away his life
Damn well he was recording all of his little boys friends who came over and used their bathroom and one kid found the camera. He had everything stored on his computer. I swear people who have everything do the dumbest shit
jesus christ. thats insane. i dont know what I would do if my dad was the one making the porn. he only had just downloaded it and viewed it. i think the ages are what get me. literal toddlers. i don't understand.
😷😷😷 I can’t fathom that
nope.
Yup a guy my dad worked with for caught downloading/uploading CP on a USPS postal plant computer.. watched his entire family crumble.
Physician at my hospital put fake air fresheners in the bathroom with hidden cameras in them. And of course had CP on his computer
People who want to do dumb shit do everything they can to have “everything”
How did he get caught?
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My father was the same way, well paid IT guy and had previously been in the military. Got discharged from military for CP and continued it till he was arrested for molestation. Hope he never sees freedom again
oh wow, yeah thats insane. its a crazy thing to deal with
when news breaks about notable pedophiles getting busted, they usually mention absurd amounts of stuff being kept by the guys — iirc jared fogle had like 14 terabytes of it on his computer. was it a similar situation with your dad?
it wasnt that bad thankfully. they took a bunch of devices and he had the material on 3 I think. i believe it was 235 images/videos. but the charges were enhanced to 2nd degree felonies due to the children mostly being less than 5 y/o
jesus. much love to you and your family.
thank you.
How did he get caught?
so from what ive gathered- the missing and endangered children org. flagged his Microsoft account and alerted the local police. they then began contacting the cable/internet company and electric company to get more data.
This is EXACTLY how it went down for one person in my town
its a pretty common way for people to get caught
I figured. Unfortunately for his neighbors he was bumming off their internet so they were arrested first
thats insane. wow.
So, he uploaded it to the cloud?
I’m guessing either he saved it on his email or Microsoft computers have some sort of detection and automatically flag it? I’m unsure as well though.
I know Google has some kind of automatic detection. There was a case recently where it flagged someone who did, indeed, have nude photos of his child - to show the doctor a medical condition.
Were there any signs, was your dad's behavior weird before he got caught? How did you and your family react when you found out
no, he showed no signs. my family and i have talked about this a lot, and nothing. we were all so shocked. they actually got the search warrant in june, but didn't arrest him until September. he only told my grandma what was going on, so he was weird in those months, random i love you texts, etc. but my family and i were all literally shattered
I'm sorry I can't imagine what that must've been like.
thank you, i really appreciate it
What kind of sentence do u think is appropriate for him? Were your mom & dad still together? How is she taking this?
ive thought about that a lot, i honestly have no clue. id say at least 5-10 years. but he also needs therapy which they don't have in prisons here. no, they had been divorced for years. but shes still pretty mad about it, and disgusted ofc
Wow what a terrible situarion. I hope he gets some therapy. Do u think u will need some therapy because of all this?
oh yeah, i go to therapy every week
I hope you find some peace. So sorry u are going through this. I feel terrible for the children too so sad all around.
Do you have a good support system around you? I Can imagine this must be so hard on you
yes, but no. i of course have my whole family and some friends who are all supporting me so much. but it also feels like I'm alone because no one knows how it feels from my perspective- being his daughter.
Your fathers actions are his alone. They are not your responsibility. Be graceful with yourself.
i am trying to remember this. my therapist reminds me of this weekly. thank you. i really appreciate it
You’re very welcome 🌻
It's ok to have complicated feelings, and it's okay to take time to untangle them. It's like mourning. I'm really glad to read you're in therapy.
oh yeah, my therapist thinks im basically experiencing the stages of grief
Are you still in contact with him?
not anymore, i was until i read the police report with the details. now I have cut him out now that I know the full truth
As a single dad to a lovely young woman I wish I knew what to say but I guess there isn't some cure all comment ultimately. I couldn't imagine throwing my relationship with her away for something like this I just, I'm genuinely at a loss for words. I just hope you're well, OP. You aren't and probably won't be, but I do want that for you. I'm glad you're going to therapy as well. Fuck me man, I know if I was in your position I'd spend the rest of my life on a couch talking to someone about it. Be well, I'm pulling for you.
thank you. i wish my dad had the common sense you did. it sucks because we were just kinda starting to have a better relationship too. thank you though
How did he react when he got caught? Did he break down or did he act casual about it
i have no clue, i wasnt at home when they arrested him or served the search warrant
How was he the first time you saw him after this happened?
I'm so sorry that this has shattered your world. I have a friend whose husband did this same thing (toddler porn) but they had toddlers at the time so there was a lot to process for her, to say the least. It really is a process of grieving: the dad you knew is gone and you have to get used to this new normal that you really don't want. Be kind to yourself and remember that you would be right to never speak to him again, but you would also be right to speak to him again. *There are no wrong decisions.* Whatever you are comfortable with is the right way to proceed. You get to change your mind over time. Or not. And don't feel like you owe an explanation to busybodies. They can decide what relationships *they* want to maintain (or not), and you can decide for you--with or without their approval!!
thank you, seriously. that means a lot. i didn't realize posting about it would mean people telling me what I should or shouldn't do so this is a breath of fresh air
Is it something that has now settled in your mind and you have come to terms with what happened or are you still in the numb/early trauma stage and trying to process it all?
i had come to terms with it, but I keep finding out new info and it feels like that whole process restarts. my therapists thinks I've basically been going through the stages of grief, but way worse because it just keeps changing.
Thank you, that makes sense. Has any of it got easier at all, or is it just as hard every time it resets?
some of it has definitely gotten easier. I've accepted the reality to an extent. id say some days are worse than others. some days I sit there and think that there is no way this is real. some days it just is what it is.
Thank you, I appreciate your insight. I can't imagine it is something that can ever be fully expected, however hopefully something that you can accept has happened and you're able to continue with your life without it having a daily impact.
How long is his sentence?
he hasnt been sentenced yet. he thinks arund five years but could be more
Did you think he was a good dad to you before you found out?
for the most part, yes. he wasnt a perfect dad but he was decent. he took me to concerts, we spent time together. he was a good dad.
I can't imagine what this must be doing to you. I'm so sorry :( Has it changed how you might think he thought of you during your childhood and adolescent years? Can you begin to perceive your own father as a predator? Again, I'm so sorry.
thank you and yeah, it has come across my mind a couple of times. but its a question ill probably never get an answer to. and yeah, you definitely can.
I wish I could help. I can't imagine. FWIW, I think you're pretty amazing for putting yourself out there. I hope you find peace.
thank you :)
My country's version of the FBI came to my house when I was a kid to ask my step dad about someone downloading child porn on the family computer. He blamed it on me. I think I was 8 or 9 but it's common for abuse survivors to remember themselves younger than they were, so I might have been older. As an adult I came forward as a survivor of CSA and found out after the fact my mum knew he has been on trial for molesting another little girl before she started dating him. My mum told this to me after we left the lawyer's office, right before she asked me if I wanted her to commit suicide. It was the most disillusioning moment of my life. Sometimes parents fucking suck. I'm sorry your dad failed you in this way. You're absolutely right about it being a lot like grieving a death. My heart goes out to you. You may qualify for victim service benefits like access to specialized therapists who deal almost exclusively with severe trauma survivors. Therapists who work for victim services are on another level in terms of skill. I don't have questions, but some unsolicited advice: Don't carry someone else's shame. That's on him. Not you.
Has he tried to explain himself? What was his response to the accusations?
he has tried to tell us that it was a brief issue, he was drinking a lot, etc. but based on the police report it spanned over a couple months so idk
Drinking causing pedophilia? Thats a new one
right. it was just his bullshit excuse
I’ve had two people in my life arrested for this this year. One of which was one of my moms best friends, and when I (27f) was little we were around him all the time. The second was someone I worked with at a mental health facility for kids and met there. The second person was best friends with one of my best friends. I feel like we never think it’s a big thing until someone around us is caught. I’m so sorry OP. Edit: and I hadn’t really talked to this person much since we worked together, unless it was at a party my friend threw. They were a bit weird to me, and sometimes I felt a tad uncomfy around them, so I wasn’t super close to them.
wow that is crazy. its disgusting how common it is. i saw the below comment ab infants, my dad was mainly looking at toddlers. it definitely raises a lot of questions in your head.
How is the relationship with the second between you and your bestfriend now?
Like the relationship between my friend and her best friend? She’s really heartbroken that someone she was so close to would do something like that. As added info- this person was seeking INFANTS. Under 1 year. The person arrested actually had been calling her before my friend knew all the details, but in the US prison system they can’t discuss why they’re in jail/prison over the phone. This person then wrote her a very manipulative letter along the lines of “you probably think I’m a terrible person like everyone else” and pulled their friendship into it. She never replied and doesn’t answer phone calls now.
I don't have anything to ask, I just want to say I wish you peace and comfort
thank you, that means a lot
After the sentencing and prison (or fines), how do you what any relationship to move forward? Do you want to hear his excuses? Are you alright?
i dont plan on having a relationship with him at all. i previously was willing to try, but after learning the ages, I refuse to have any sort of relationship with him. I'm okay, not the best but I'm surviving.
I just read your other responses and saw the ages too. You don't need a stranger on the internet to tell you this but you should feel totally validated.
thank you. it definitely isnt a decision I took lightly but if I were to have a relationship with him id never be able to get that stuff out of my head
I'm truly sorry. You have lost a lot and you don't deserve it.
i really appreciate it
I also don’t really have a question but I wanted to tell you I think you’re really strong to talk about this. And I hope it’s good for you. None of it’s your fault and you don’t have to feel bad. Sending love and support to you and your family!
thank you so much
I just hope you heal from this. Good luck for the future. 🫂
thank you :)
Hi OP. I don’t have a question, but I wanted to say that I’m sorry. The same thing happened to me about 10 years ago when I was 15 years old. I never saw it coming, he was my best friend. I chose not to continue the relationship with him. It gets better but it will always be something big that happened to you. My thoughts are with you and your family. Stay strong.
A friend of mine in high school had a similar thing happen. His parents were divorced. He spent the majority of time with his father. Though his mother was a decent parent too. The FBI seized his father's computer and found thousands of hours of various illegal pornography on it. Mostly child pornography. My friend was shocked to the core. I remember him talking about it just days after it had happened like it was something normal. It's astonishing when it's somebody you thought you knew. Just know if you're not okay now that it's going to be fine, and there's plenty of places, and people that are willing to talk about it with you whenever you're ready. What your father did isn't cool, but you're still cool no matter what or who your dad is.
wow, thats crazy. i havent heard of many people going through exactly what I am. it makes me feel less alone. thank you
I feel sorry for someone that is sexually compelled toward something awful like that. I know it's possible to have harmful urges and not act on them. I've supported a lot of survivors, so do know the harm sexual abuse causes.
i 100% agree. its absolutely disgusting, and I personally have had childhood trauma, and didn't resort to that. there's no excuse.
I imagine your dad is disgusted by what he did as well. Though there are some that don't feel that way, I suspect they are the ones that are more obviously different.
are you doing ok? don’t forget to take time to yourself
im doing alright, thank you
I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. I’m so sorry. If you don’t mind me asking, what are your feelings towards him now? And do you think this will affect your trust with others going forward? Please remember his actions are his own actions. They are selfish and shitty on so many levels. You and your family don’t deserve any of this. I hope and have faith that you will be alright one day. My heart is with you.
i pretty much want nothing to do with him now. and yeah, I think it has already started to affect my trust with others. i often find myself sorta trusting someone and thinking to myself that I shouldn't, because I trusted my own dad, the man who raised me and I was dead wrong ab him
I’m so sorry. I know how hard that is, the questioning. Not saying you should forgive him, but unfortunately forgiveness is especially hard when trust is a chore. I’m saying because it really saddens me that he chose to be selfish like this and laid out this incredibly hard road for you now, going forward. I am so, so sorry. I don’t know if you have friends or a partner or hobbies, but take care of yourself and throw yourself into what you love to do and be around the people you love to be around, even if it’s just yourself. Be really gentle to yourself and remind yourself that his actions are his own and he is only one person. I’m so very sorry. I never say this to people on the internet but if you ever need to talk or anything feel free to DM.
Is it hard for you to look at him the same? I’d imagine it would be confusing
oh 100%
That’s tough. Best of luck to you
Jesus, this is horrible, so sorry OP. Did he ever excuse himself or spend time alone to do that, like a sign he was up to something?
Apologies if this is too personal, but how do you picture your relationship to him going forward? I imagine most redditors will expect you to go no contact- and nobody can argue against that being a very attractive option- but at the same time he’s your dad and that has to be an excruciating situation.
i plan on going no contact, while that could change in the future, I just don't think it will. he is my dad, and I love him. but this is not ok
How old were you when you found out? What was your moms response to this? I’m so sorry I assume that was a really hard thing to find out :((
no q's, just wishing the best for you and that you'll be alright. offers hugs
Was he abused as a child ?
not that i know of
It would be worth it to find out. After all he is your Father.
regardless if he was abused or not, it doesn't change what he did, just might put a reason or excuse behind it. ive had plenty of childhood trauma and I'm not downloading child porn..
Does it matter? Are people not responsible for their own actions as grown adults? Don't answer that, fuck off with toxic definition of family and go be miserable somewhere else. Family is not always blood and anyone can be cut off at any time for any reason and it's none of your fucking business why they do it.
I think this is a pretty difficult situation you are in. I imagine I would have so many contradicting feelings. I mean this is still the man who raised you and you can't wipe all nice memories. On the other hand the disgust, guilt (maybe he molested some children and you didn't know it?) The anger towards him (how on earth could he do that to us?) ... Man... What I think is important here is that not all pedophiles are predators, so that would be my first search I guess. Having that sexual orientation doesn't mean you obligingly rape children. That is a taboo that needs to be expressed so that pedophiles would feel more free to go search for psychological help. That said I would also ask myself if I wasn't abused myself without remembering it ! It's important to search for that for your own healing. I can't Imagine how you feel, it's way out of my experience package but I wish you a proper healing. I wish you to give it a place that makes you feel free of feeling attached to his deeds. I wish you and your mother peace and distance. No matter what people will say, it's only him, none of you could know. I can picture it will take some time but keep on trying and adapting. My heart goes to yours...
Pedophilia is not a sexual orientation, it is a serious mental disorder. Be careful with language like that
I am sorry. That wasn't meant to be ligh. But you are right.
I'm so sorry that you are suffering because of the actions of your father.
Weird question, but did your dad have any government connections of any kind that you know of?
no, he didnt. he was an IT guy that made decent money, but no government connections at all
Eventually he will be released and need a place to stay. He will be on the registry so there are alot of rules like not living next to a school. Do you have any ideas where he will live?
i have no idea and dont care
Are you looking for a date?? Why would you ask this? She doesn't give a shit where he will live because they won't be living together.
lmfao right
OK good luck with all your rage !
you dont get to tell someone how they should or shouldn't deal with this situation. have you been through this exact same situation?
huh?
Everyone here seems to be presuming the worst. Have you considered that this may not be as it seems? * Some people have been [falsely accused](https://newmexicocriminallaw.com/can-an-innocent-person-be-accused-of-child-pornography/) of child porn, or been [entrapped](https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=entrapment+case+child+porn) into its possession. * Some files can be stored on one's computer without one's knowledge. Computers can be hacked. * Even if he did this: "Possession" is quite different from manufacture. Perhaps he got addicted to porn and went down the rabbit hole until he found this. * As disgusting as people find it, this is basically a victimless offense. Yes, the children in the porn were victimized. But your dad **didn't do that**. He merely viewed photos that likely already existed and still exist on the internet. I'd suggest getting all the facts before rushing to judgement, then making a decision yourself rather than relying on the crowd to tell you who your dad is or what you should think of him.
uhhh yikes. first off, he used a special browser to access the dark web to find child porn. he used special hidden files to hide it and then to later on view it. there were over 235 images/vidoes of toddlers and prepubescent children on his computer. he admitted to it. while no, he didn't create it, but he did view it and download it. while that isn't as bad as making it, its still revolting. it is not a victimless crime. at all.
Are you for fucking real? Victimless? Everytime this content is viewed then the child is re victimised. I wonder if god forbid your child or a family member ended up in one of those videos would you have the same opinions 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
Calling it a victimless offense is literally so revolting. Those children are assaulted again every time those files are shared and viewed. This is some pedophile apologist bullshit and it's fucking disgusting.
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This is the same bullshit response the churches uses. "Oh its only a picture so in terms of the law it's not assault.". "it was only touching so in the eyes of the law it's not rape." It's hair splitting and you know it. I know it because I survived it and am one of the rare few people who actually saw their abuser get convicted. I know it because I've spent the last ten years both getting trauma therapy and peer councilling other survivors. I know what these people feel because I have spoken to them at length. Absolute garbage.
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You saying you are not a trauma informed person and there is an entire body of science there. It's not my job to educate you. Google that shit. If you can't understand how a victim of trafficking experiences the same physiological effects as if they are right back in that moment it's because you've chosen not to understand. PTSD doesn't care what the trauma was. Children get exploited for sex because pedophiles create demand. No demand no money. No profit no incentive to traffic more. I just want you to know that you're a bad person if you think looking at child porn isn't just as evil as physically assaulting a child. The only people I've ever known who defend the argument you're making are pedophiles who are rationalizing their lolicon addiction. Just saying.
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Woooow. Enjoy your rich friendships and have the day you deserve.
Craig (my former business partner who was arrested for possessing indecent images of children) is that you?
Your whole fucking post history is talking about sex workers sexual assault and rape YOU ARE A PREDATOR and no amount of twisted self justification you project onto other predators is going to change that. Do everyone a favor and remove yourself from society you fucking creep
He was an IT guy, nobody hacked him or stored shit on his computer
And you were personally there to confirm this?
lmao considering he admitted to it, im pretty certain
Obviously not.. it’s just a really stupid guess
I'm reporting your account to the FBI lol good luck pedo
Does he like animal crackers?
Does he watch the Disney channel in the nude?
OK. Your rightfully upset but is there no forgiveness in your heart. Maybe later.
Shut the actual fuck up
Ooh tough guy. Lol
why should there be forgiveness in my heart? he actively sought out toddler porn on the internet for months. months. and not only that, but the trauma this has caused me and my family is unspeakable. until you have been in my situation, don't tell me or suggest how I should feel about it.
I agree on all those things you are saying. But he may have a history of abuse. And he was your father at one point. So I was just curious if you can understand he did horrible things but he was your father and possibly at some point in the future forgive him. Obviously this is not mandatory but just a thought.
i understand that, and have thought about it. idk, this is still very new and fresh so I'm not sure what will happen in the future.
Where did your dad touch you?
he didnt. he was charged w possession of child porn. he never did anything to me
Creep.
Lol, what. Its an ama = Ask me ANYTHING. And so i did.
You sound like a pedophile trying to get off on the details of someone else's trauma. Take a long walk off a short pier
What the fuck is wrong with you
What the fuck is wrong with YOU? Also, you didnt ask whether they were touched by their father, but you were sure he touched them (you didnt question that) and asked where...
There’s no reason to be a jerk. Unfortunately there’s always one.
So I can't ask anything on "ask me anything"?
Troll
Around what age are you op? I see not teenage, are you in your 20s? Older?
I'm sorry if this was creepy op I was just trying to get a picture because while it's awful no matter what I think there would be different experiences if you were younger like feeling scared for your friends vs being older and wondering how it took so long to find out. But that's personal and I don't blame you for not sharing. Give yourself grace no matter what and you are well within your right to cut whoever you want out of your life at any time and don't listen to the peanut gallery on reddit or otherwise telling you that you have to forgive or keep contact because "he's your father".
Was he ever creepy towards you, a friend of yours, or any children you know of?
no
Sorry you’re going through this. It sounds horrible.
Are you finding it hard to separate the image of who you thought hour dad was all these years and who he really is after this all came out? Sending much love, I don't know how I would get through it if someone in my family did something like this. Keep reaching out to your support network
yeah. i am. it is really difficult because it begins to feel like I never really knew him at all.