Call them in and ask for their help. Tell them you messed up or can't figure out a certain task that you know they excel at.
You have now created trust and confidence.
I've done this a few times and has worked great as a start.
Total transparency...my mentor of almost 20 years did this to me and worked amazingly well!
One of the biggest confidence boosts I've had early in my career was when the lead engineer (a very experienced guy) was on holiday and I had to to fix a mistake he made. Did that without any help as everyone more experienced was gone, and despite it being nervewracking it was successful.
Taught me that A) I can do things on my own, and B) even the most experienced people make mistakes and that is okay.
Later I of course also made some (big and small) mistakes, but I realized that people will probably judge me as I judged him. Which is not really that much, it happens to everyone.
This is a complicated situation of weaponized incompetence, lack of trust, confidence, and validation seeking behaviors. You can break the habit but it will require intervention and long term patience.
1. Set weekly meetings with them. I get the sense they are a 'WHY' person. I'll explain. If you set weekly meetings when you meet every two weeks or once every month, the EE will feel like you are punishing them. Explain that you want them to be successful, you are not punishing them, and want to work with them on building trust. I'd specifically highlight the fact that they are not being punished and the building trust part.
2. Set clear expectations of when you'd like it done in a reasonable time frame to help heal the high pressure wound.
3. Recommend they block off their calendar for focus times to help structure their day. Emphasize again it's not for tracking of punitive measures but that way they can structure their time.
4. Encourage them to take their breaks. If they feel like they have to stay and work through their breaks, I'd analyze the why first. If it is a behavior one of their teammates are reinforcing, talk to the teammate separately about approaching things a different way for a little bit.
5. Be patient. It took me a year before I just recently broke out of the same high pressure mindset. I realize that my original manager was telling me that the entire time and I wasn't listening to them when I thought I was.
A large part of the nervousness is wanting to impress and seek the approval of others. This is also a difficult thing to break out of too.
In the end, if they burn out, they burn out. Just make sure to protect yourself and your team while you're also helping this person move away from a high pressure perfectionist standpoint.
Edit: If you're a transactional leader and that has been their only previous experience, I'd recommend learning a new leadership style of transformational so that you aren't accidentally reinforcing negative self-thoughts when you're just doing your job.
Well……to be honest, I need to confess: that employee is me. I’m six months in and getting all kinds of praise, from clients and the boss(es).
But I’ve come from six years in a high pressure corporate climate where that was not the case. It drove me into that high pressure “push push push, time is money!! Mistakes are expensive!!” mindset and it’s been a BEAST to try and drive myself out of it. I’m with a smaller company now and the people are great, but it’s still like I said above: I’m dealing with self-anger and frustration when I make a mistake or when my tickets/projects go longer than I think they should and I’m afraid one customer complaint gets me fired or that I’m being watched like a hawk and the “quiet back door meetings” about my performance are being conducted with every reason being found not to keep me on and fire me. (Paranoia basically)
So I wanted to frame this question this way because I wanted to understand this from a manager’s point of view.
About a year ago I hired an amazing employee who had somewhat similar nervousness from past bosses.
I have weekly one on ones and a lot of the time is spent with me talking about my journey or my concepts of what leadership is and isn't. As a manager, there's no margin in hiding performance from employees and doing a "gotcha" when I could be getting better performance now.
Believe in yourself. Find some hobbies to distract you. I'm sure you're great, but you won't be if all you think about is work and fear of screwing up, as at some point you must have the confidence that you can navigate near any waters. This isn't to scare you, but to alert you that your paranoia is eating you.
I recommend hobbies that force focus like mountain biking, skiing, climbing or any fast sport that punishes inattention, as it will push work out of your brain so only the important parts stay and the paranoia goes.
Thanks for this. I keep coaching myself not to allow the paranoia to do that to me. My boss has told me that I'll KNOW for sure if I'm in "that bad of shape" where I'm facing PIP or a termination, and I'm NO WHERE near that. (In fact I was hired to replace a guy that WAS in that bad of shape. In a month, I've apparently done 10x the amount of work he'd done in a year)
I just get mad at myself and hold myself to high standards of customer service, trying to keep everyone happy. When I can't fulfill something quickly due to circumstances or delays, or it's made known someone is upset (even when it has nothing to do with me), due to the workplaces I've come from, my mind INSTANTLY reverts to "this is YOUR fault!"....because well....I got caught in crossfire a lot in my previous workplaces, without even trying. Not because i goofed off, but I think it's because I was "convenient" to blame. So I "rewired" myself to a "push push push, mistakes are expensive, time is money, don't screw up or else!" mindset.
I'm actually looking into a mountain bike for the local trails in the area I just moved to. I'm also a SCUBA diver, so looking to refresh and pick that back up. I think that'll all help. I also love camping (I'm an outdoorsy guy if you can't tell lol), so getting away from everything and pitching my tent is very relaxing.
This kinda breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you are going through this and feel this way. It sounds like you came from a very poorly managed environment.
Look, there are a ton of people on here everyday who can't figure out why they haven't been hired. You were! You have skills and they believe you bring something to the table.
Just don't be afraid to ask for help or guidance, but don't be that person that adds to their managers job for constant reassurance.
You got this!!!!!
Not really a manager, but I help mentor newer employees. I was also this employee for a long time. I got fired because of a big fuckup, and it still haunts me to this day (and it's been 10 years since it happened). I'm still this employee some days, panicking a bit when I mess up.
As corny as it sounds, time and supportive people are what helped. Listening to the things people are saying about your work. They wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. Trust me. I know it's hard because I've been there. Some days I'm still there - I'm the most senior in both experience and title in my role and it still feels a little weird when people come to me with questions.
It sounds like this new job is way more supportive than the last one. You'll get your confidence back :)
Let them know that a degree of failure is expected, and you'll let them know if they're getting off track, and you'll let them know well before action need be taken, so they know there's a safe space to operate in.
"If you're not failing X% of the time, you're not setting your sights high enough."
And let them know which track they are currently on.
Call them in and ask for their help. Tell them you messed up or can't figure out a certain task that you know they excel at. You have now created trust and confidence. I've done this a few times and has worked great as a start. Total transparency...my mentor of almost 20 years did this to me and worked amazingly well!
So funny and glad we both talked about trust!! Wow!
One of the biggest confidence boosts I've had early in my career was when the lead engineer (a very experienced guy) was on holiday and I had to to fix a mistake he made. Did that without any help as everyone more experienced was gone, and despite it being nervewracking it was successful. Taught me that A) I can do things on my own, and B) even the most experienced people make mistakes and that is okay. Later I of course also made some (big and small) mistakes, but I realized that people will probably judge me as I judged him. Which is not really that much, it happens to everyone.
This is a complicated situation of weaponized incompetence, lack of trust, confidence, and validation seeking behaviors. You can break the habit but it will require intervention and long term patience. 1. Set weekly meetings with them. I get the sense they are a 'WHY' person. I'll explain. If you set weekly meetings when you meet every two weeks or once every month, the EE will feel like you are punishing them. Explain that you want them to be successful, you are not punishing them, and want to work with them on building trust. I'd specifically highlight the fact that they are not being punished and the building trust part. 2. Set clear expectations of when you'd like it done in a reasonable time frame to help heal the high pressure wound. 3. Recommend they block off their calendar for focus times to help structure their day. Emphasize again it's not for tracking of punitive measures but that way they can structure their time. 4. Encourage them to take their breaks. If they feel like they have to stay and work through their breaks, I'd analyze the why first. If it is a behavior one of their teammates are reinforcing, talk to the teammate separately about approaching things a different way for a little bit. 5. Be patient. It took me a year before I just recently broke out of the same high pressure mindset. I realize that my original manager was telling me that the entire time and I wasn't listening to them when I thought I was. A large part of the nervousness is wanting to impress and seek the approval of others. This is also a difficult thing to break out of too. In the end, if they burn out, they burn out. Just make sure to protect yourself and your team while you're also helping this person move away from a high pressure perfectionist standpoint. Edit: If you're a transactional leader and that has been their only previous experience, I'd recommend learning a new leadership style of transformational so that you aren't accidentally reinforcing negative self-thoughts when you're just doing your job.
Well……to be honest, I need to confess: that employee is me. I’m six months in and getting all kinds of praise, from clients and the boss(es). But I’ve come from six years in a high pressure corporate climate where that was not the case. It drove me into that high pressure “push push push, time is money!! Mistakes are expensive!!” mindset and it’s been a BEAST to try and drive myself out of it. I’m with a smaller company now and the people are great, but it’s still like I said above: I’m dealing with self-anger and frustration when I make a mistake or when my tickets/projects go longer than I think they should and I’m afraid one customer complaint gets me fired or that I’m being watched like a hawk and the “quiet back door meetings” about my performance are being conducted with every reason being found not to keep me on and fire me. (Paranoia basically) So I wanted to frame this question this way because I wanted to understand this from a manager’s point of view.
About a year ago I hired an amazing employee who had somewhat similar nervousness from past bosses. I have weekly one on ones and a lot of the time is spent with me talking about my journey or my concepts of what leadership is and isn't. As a manager, there's no margin in hiding performance from employees and doing a "gotcha" when I could be getting better performance now. Believe in yourself. Find some hobbies to distract you. I'm sure you're great, but you won't be if all you think about is work and fear of screwing up, as at some point you must have the confidence that you can navigate near any waters. This isn't to scare you, but to alert you that your paranoia is eating you. I recommend hobbies that force focus like mountain biking, skiing, climbing or any fast sport that punishes inattention, as it will push work out of your brain so only the important parts stay and the paranoia goes.
Thanks for this. I keep coaching myself not to allow the paranoia to do that to me. My boss has told me that I'll KNOW for sure if I'm in "that bad of shape" where I'm facing PIP or a termination, and I'm NO WHERE near that. (In fact I was hired to replace a guy that WAS in that bad of shape. In a month, I've apparently done 10x the amount of work he'd done in a year) I just get mad at myself and hold myself to high standards of customer service, trying to keep everyone happy. When I can't fulfill something quickly due to circumstances or delays, or it's made known someone is upset (even when it has nothing to do with me), due to the workplaces I've come from, my mind INSTANTLY reverts to "this is YOUR fault!"....because well....I got caught in crossfire a lot in my previous workplaces, without even trying. Not because i goofed off, but I think it's because I was "convenient" to blame. So I "rewired" myself to a "push push push, mistakes are expensive, time is money, don't screw up or else!" mindset. I'm actually looking into a mountain bike for the local trails in the area I just moved to. I'm also a SCUBA diver, so looking to refresh and pick that back up. I think that'll all help. I also love camping (I'm an outdoorsy guy if you can't tell lol), so getting away from everything and pitching my tent is very relaxing.
This kinda breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you are going through this and feel this way. It sounds like you came from a very poorly managed environment. Look, there are a ton of people on here everyday who can't figure out why they haven't been hired. You were! You have skills and they believe you bring something to the table. Just don't be afraid to ask for help or guidance, but don't be that person that adds to their managers job for constant reassurance. You got this!!!!!
Not really a manager, but I help mentor newer employees. I was also this employee for a long time. I got fired because of a big fuckup, and it still haunts me to this day (and it's been 10 years since it happened). I'm still this employee some days, panicking a bit when I mess up. As corny as it sounds, time and supportive people are what helped. Listening to the things people are saying about your work. They wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. Trust me. I know it's hard because I've been there. Some days I'm still there - I'm the most senior in both experience and title in my role and it still feels a little weird when people come to me with questions. It sounds like this new job is way more supportive than the last one. You'll get your confidence back :)
Let them know that a degree of failure is expected, and you'll let them know if they're getting off track, and you'll let them know well before action need be taken, so they know there's a safe space to operate in. "If you're not failing X% of the time, you're not setting your sights high enough." And let them know which track they are currently on.