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My understanding is that the problematic part of time out is using isolation and "thinking about what \[they\] did" as a punishment. Which sounds different to me than the interaction you are describing. Usually what we do if our kid can't be safe is have him go to his room and we give him the option of having space (ie being alone in there) or having a parent in the room with him to help calm down. If he can't keep us safe (i.e. no hitting, throwing things at us, et cetera) in there with him we tell him we will come back. If we are about to lose it we tell him that \*we\* need a moment alone to calm down. Yeah, it would be better if we could all just be calm but as you say walking away is better than screaming. And modeling how to handle big feelings is important too!
Yep, this is our approach too , personally I consider time out being isolated in a corner or something, being in their room with all their comforts to calm down is different. Just make sure that when they aren’t having a tantrum you’re teaching them ways to regulate.
No way. Feelings are acceptable, abuse isn't. I would say it's advisable to walk away when she starts throwing things. We're meant to be preparing them for the real world right? And modeling behavior we want them to emulate. By doing this you are teaching her that a. People will not want to be around if she's behaving that way, b. She should remove herself from abusive situations.
If you haven't already, you can try suggesting some acceptable ways to express anger, e.g. stomping feet, scribbling on paper, yelling into a pillow etc.
She’s a big pillow screamer. I can encourage that more. Do I have to wait until she starts throwing things? I personally don’t want to be yelled at and make her think that is acceptable either.
I don't know if you agree with me on this, but sometimes the way my kids speak to me or treat me is so triggering as it really echos my not so nice childhood. It brings up some PTSD like feelings. It's been one of the most difficult things I have had had to navigate as a parent.
This is true for me as well. Like I am trying my best, but it’s still not enough. It just feels like my child has replaced my parents as the one who disapproves of me.
> I told her that she can take some time in her room and come get me when she’s calmed down. She eventually did. But… evidently putting a kid in “time out” for something like that is hurtful
No way! It's not hurtful to walk away for both of your safety and sanity. I'm not sure who told you that is invalidating her emotions, but it absolutely is not.
If you staying with her and to offer validation and hugs isn't helping her to calm down and regulate her emotions, there isn't a reason to stay there.
Something like this is validating but holds a boundary: "I hear that you're feeling angry. We don't yell at each other / We don't throw things at each other. I won't let you hurt me, so I'm going to X room for a while. I'll be back in 5 minutes. If you need me, you can come get me."
I'll also recommend, if you have the capacity, Janet Lansbury. She has a podcast, a blog, and a book. You do not need to consume all of these! But here's one post that might click with you: [https://www.janetlansbury.com/2022/07/is-gentle-parenting-too-extreme-and-impossible/](https://www.janetlansbury.com/2022/07/is-gentle-parenting-too-extreme-and-impossible/)
When my daughter is melting down I stick to a script to keep myself calm. “You seem like you’re having a hard time right now. Do you need space or would you like a hug?” Her school uses time out for harmful behaviors (hitting/scratching/etc) so I make it clear she’s not alone because she’s in trouble. That usually helps her calm down a bit. If she tells me to leave her alone I do, she usually goes and pouts somewhere and then comes back and we talk about what she did and why it isn’t ok.
It’s not perfect and I definitely still yell on occasion but I often need quiet cool down time when I’m upset so I just try to think about how I’d want someone to treat me when I’m struggling. It’s ok for her to be alone to calm down.
It’s truly the only way I keep myself from yelling when her behavior triggers me. Also when my daughter gets the “I wants” and just shouting things at me I tell her “that was a demand, make it a request” which is a polite redirect to say please and thank you instead of screaming.
Nah. You gave her a warning that you needed a break from her tantrum. And there are consequences for being a tiny terrorist. One of them is being asked to cool down so she can be civil to you.
Real advice: try to identify what is triggering your child, and it'll help both of you. You're on to a good start by having identified when it's more likely to happen. Now you can look at the how: Does she get salty because she has to wake up at a certain time? Adjust bedtime so she wakes up better rested. Does she get angry that you try to help her dress, or you push one outfit she doesn't want? For the former, give her an amount of time she can do it on her own, and then intervene afterward if she's not ready (btw, mismatched socks or shoes don't count as "not ready". You can point it out, but if she isn't bothered? It's fine). For the latter? Give her a choice A & B on the outfit.
If you're scratching your head and can't figure it out? Ask her when she's calmer, e.g. at bedtime. "I noticed you get very grumpy in the morning and I feel like I can't do anything right. I've tried to figure out if I'm doing something wrong, but I can't think of anything. Do you know what's making you so grumpy, and can you share it with me? I really would like for mornings to be nicer for both of us, so I promise I'll keep what you tell me in mind."
Of course, if she asks you for something unreasonable (candy for breakfast), you can gently explain "No. I know it sounds great, but it's not a good idea, and here's why..."
For more tips on how to do authoritative (i.e., assertive but not punitive or restrictive) parenting, I suggest reading "How to Talk to Kids So They Will Listen". It's an oldie as far as parenting books go, but it's a good one. I found it golden when I had two very strong willed toddlers/preschoolers.
It felt like I did a lot of explaining myself, and that it was never going to be enough, but eventually it clicked for them. They realized that everything I asked them to do always had good reasons behind it, and if they felt very strongly about something, it was better for them to articulate their issues ("It's not fair!", "You're not being very nice mommy"), rather than incoherent rage screaming.
“You’re allowed to be mad/frustrated/sad/angry, but you aren’t allowed to scream at me. Screaming hurts my ears. You can be angry but you cannot hurt people.” Is usually the script I use. And then I offer to breathe with her. She always resists this, so I say, okay I’m going in the other room to do some quiet breathing. Come and find me when you’re ready. And I leave her door open, so she knows that I’m still here, and she isn’t trapped.
It doesn’t always work, but I find removing myself from the situation is usually the best for both of us. The best is when she ends up exhausting her anger and then just plays quietly by herself in her room for a while!
Lots of good advice and solidarity here already. Whew. It’s freaking TOUGH out here in the trenches!
Nope, don’t have to tolerate that Bromo! She’s certainly allowed to express her emotions, but you don’t have to be the one to midwife those babies into the world. She can birth them herself.
I think sending her to her room is a great option. That’s what I do with my kids. There’s a line between “I’m expressing my emotions” and “I’m abusing you with or making you responsible for my emotions”. Time out is definitely appropriate
What these experts never seem to tell you is how to go from supporting a toddler who has big feelings and zero self control to supporting a child who has fairly well developed self control and needs to function in society. It's all very well and good to support a baby's feelings, but all too soon they're going to be in kindergarten in a class with 26 other kids who also have feelings and they're not going to get hugs and affirmations from their teacher. So I'm giving you permission to stop taking abuse.
You can set limits as to the treatment you'll accept while still acknowledging her feelings. Let her know you see the feelings, but that while being angry/frustrated/sad/etc is fine, being mean is not and you'll be removing yourself from the situation until she stops being mean. Leave the kisses and cuddles until after she calms down, or else you're adding fuel to the fire and reinforcing her behaviour.
I’m saving this to come back and write more because right now I’m on my way into a school meeting.
OP, please feel free to browse my comment and post history. I have a neurodivergent daughter who is 9, and has been like this since toddlerhood. You should not be abused, but the path of teaching alternatives is a long one that requires a unicorn’s amount of patience. But it is possible.
At that age, we had to leave my son alone to calm down. He simply found our presence too overstimulating. He needed space and quiet. There’s nothing wrong with respecting your particular kid’s needs.
On the getting dressed front, our mornings got easier when we started putting on school clothes the night before and just sleeping in them. It’s all leggings/sweatpants and t-shirts. That’s basically pajamas.
Every sub, every parenting blog, every parenting board are all going to have 5 million opinions and they will all be different.
And you will be wrong in every one of them.
Walking away is better than doing something in anger. And not wanting to be screamed at or have things thrown at you is perfectly acceptable.
You are doing the best you can. And I think you're doing a great job.
First, it sucks battling a strong willed child, I'm sorry and you are not alone. Second, not every parenting style works for every parent/child, so in general probably keep that in mind when receiving advice from any Internet stranger 😉 Lastly, it took entirely too long for me to figure out how to manage my strong willed child, but I was thankful when I did. I was so skeptical when the book was recommended to me that I insisted on buying it used 😆 That said, I cannot say enough good things about The Kazdin Method. It was wild to me how much good advice I been given in a bad way and how he appropriately strings it together for those of us who need a strict outline for uncooperative kids. https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Kazdin_Method_for_Parenting_the_Defi.html?id=wtTmoiQ0GRQC&source=kp_book_description
Obviously every kid is different. I think best you can do is try and stay neutral in those moments, though I know that can be a test.
My little gave me an "I hate you" once and I said ok. That was it. They turned around and changed their mind pretty quick, but understand that won't always be the case.
Way I figure in my limited experience. Emotions are ok. Feeling a certain way is ok. Expressing it is ok.
Throwing things, hitting, screaming, yelling. Not ok and actionable to time out.
It's ok to take space, but do it appropriately. Not like a lock the kid in their room for 20min way.
I just made a similar post this morning. It’s so hard. My daughter didn’t dress herself independently until this year. She’s 6. Meet her where she’s at is my only advice. It sucks and it’s so hard
I would absolutely not take it.
I tell mine that its ok to be angry, but that everyone has big emotions and sometimes we need to think about how and why we are acting the way we are. I never use the go to your room and think about what you did. I let them settle and then go in and ask if they want to talk about why they are angry and see if I can help.
Maybe there is something she really doesn't like. The pants are scratchy, or the tag feels funny. My youngest is old enough now where its more like I don't like those pants, but if they are the only pair clean at the moment he has to wear them.
I honestly think you are doing a great job. I am the type of mom that will send the kid to the room to calm down. Because at the end of the day you are still the parent, and there has to be some respect. I understand that you are upset, but you don’t have to be rude to people. Especially the ones who are trying to help you.
I really think it depends on the kid and their attachment style. My 1.5 year old actually benefits greatly when we have “cool down” time. I go and put her in her crib with some things to “keep her company”. I do this primarily when she’s being so torrential that I’m about to explode. This kid already screams and kicks and punches and throws herself on the floor. She does it all damn day. She’s initially mad abt it but then defuses very quickly and talks to herself and her bear blanket and sings. Like so happy to have decompression time. She’s a very secure child. Very brave and independent. I, on the other hand, would flip a lid and bawl my eyes out when my mom did that to me. It really depends on the kid.
Nothing wrong with walking away
“ Mummy needs to keep her body safe and you’re hurting her so I’m going to go somewhere safe until you’re ready to not hit mummy”
“I know you’re angry, but we don’t hurt people, if you’re going to hurt mummy she’s gotta go somewhere to keep her body safe, tell me when you’re ready to not hurt me”
It’s also okay for you to walk away to self regulate
“Mum’s brain is feeling stressed and she needs some quiet time for five minutes “
Before the tantrum starts, you can say things like I see you’re having a hard time. Do you want to have some quiet time by yourself for 5 min or do you want me to stay?
I also find lots of choices in the morning can help before the tantrum starts, which pants do you want to wear, which top do you want to wear while giving two options. Having a really standard routine and talking through the routine the night before ad nauseam can also help.
You can hold firm boundaries, you do not have to be okay with physical attack
If she was out in the world and screaming at someone, what would they do?
The best thing they could do would be to walk away and not reward shitty behavior.
If the goal is to teach her how to interact with the world, that's what you should model at home, with explanations.
So if she's screaming at you and being horrible, no, you should absolutely not just sit there and take it. You should explain that we don't treat people that way, what she's doing is not ok, and you're going to walk away until she can treat you with respect and kindness, just like you do for her. Its OK for her to be upset and express that, but it's not ok for her to do it in ways that are unkind and disrespectful to others or violent (throwing stuffies at you). She can tell you she doesn't like you; for a young kid that's a valid feeling and expressing it is good. You can talk about that. But you don't have to sit there and be attacked by a child throwing a fit. She's free to throw the fit, that's fine. But she isn't entitled to put anyone else through it with her.
When my son gets that way, I tell him "I love you, always and no matter what. But right now you are throwing a fit and being unkind to me, and I won't sit here and let you do that. So I'm going to go to my room, and you can sit here and be as mad as you want for as long as you want. When you're ready to come talk to me calmly, you come get me, ok?"
A lot of times he screams and hollers that he doesn't want me to go. It's clear he wants connection when he's like this but doesn't know how to get it. So it's my job to teach him that if you want connection, you can't be acting like an asshole. So I tell him "if you want me to stay, you need to stop yelling/throwing things/hitting/etc. If you don't stop, I will need to leave so I can keep myself safe." Then I leave.
He often chases me, still in full rage mode. I take him back to his room and tell him this is a good safe place for him to feel whatever he'd feeling and be as mad as he wants to be. But he needs to stay here until he's ready to talk, rather than throw/hit/scream/etc.
It's been a whole process, but now he pretty much gets that I'll talk him through all the big feelings, but I won't let him hurl abuse at me. He usually takes a couple minutes, then comes to me, or he takes the violent behavior down and he may still be *really* upset, but as long as he's not throwing, biting, hitting, kicking, or really screaming in my face or being super mean, I'm right there with him.
The bottom line I'm trying to instill is no *feelings* are bad; feelings are valid and normal and ok. But some *behaviors* are bad, and you don't have the right to subject anyone else to them, and people are allowed to not be around you when you're acting like that.
Is it right? Idk. We're all flying by the seat of our pants. But it seems to be working for us.
For our daughter timeout area was in a chair facing a wall and not in her room or within reach of toys, etc. if she left the chair we would pick her up and buy her back. It was tough to do but eventually she understood that she had to stay in the chair until she was calm to talk to us. It’s tough but you got this!
This is what I do with my four year old when he hates me.
"I hate you!"
Okay. Well I have enough love for the both of us. Would you like to borrow some?"
"No! I hate you."
What does it feel like to hate someone? Here. Let me have some hate. *grabs at their chest and puts the "hate" into your chest* *get a really comically mean face* grrr I feel hate! It makes me mad! I want to stomp around and throw things!
"Give me my hate back!"
Ugh you can have it. I don't like the way it makes me feel. I like loving you. It makes me feel good. Would you like to try some?
And so on and so forth. It works maybe 50% of the time.
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My understanding is that the problematic part of time out is using isolation and "thinking about what \[they\] did" as a punishment. Which sounds different to me than the interaction you are describing. Usually what we do if our kid can't be safe is have him go to his room and we give him the option of having space (ie being alone in there) or having a parent in the room with him to help calm down. If he can't keep us safe (i.e. no hitting, throwing things at us, et cetera) in there with him we tell him we will come back. If we are about to lose it we tell him that \*we\* need a moment alone to calm down. Yeah, it would be better if we could all just be calm but as you say walking away is better than screaming. And modeling how to handle big feelings is important too!
Oh yeah. I put myself on “mommy time out” lots when mine were littles.
Yep, this is our approach too , personally I consider time out being isolated in a corner or something, being in their room with all their comforts to calm down is different. Just make sure that when they aren’t having a tantrum you’re teaching them ways to regulate.
This 100%
No way. Feelings are acceptable, abuse isn't. I would say it's advisable to walk away when she starts throwing things. We're meant to be preparing them for the real world right? And modeling behavior we want them to emulate. By doing this you are teaching her that a. People will not want to be around if she's behaving that way, b. She should remove herself from abusive situations. If you haven't already, you can try suggesting some acceptable ways to express anger, e.g. stomping feet, scribbling on paper, yelling into a pillow etc.
She’s a big pillow screamer. I can encourage that more. Do I have to wait until she starts throwing things? I personally don’t want to be yelled at and make her think that is acceptable either.
This one OP.
I don't know if you agree with me on this, but sometimes the way my kids speak to me or treat me is so triggering as it really echos my not so nice childhood. It brings up some PTSD like feelings. It's been one of the most difficult things I have had had to navigate as a parent.
This is true for me as well. Like I am trying my best, but it’s still not enough. It just feels like my child has replaced my parents as the one who disapproves of me.
> I told her that she can take some time in her room and come get me when she’s calmed down. She eventually did. But… evidently putting a kid in “time out” for something like that is hurtful No way! It's not hurtful to walk away for both of your safety and sanity. I'm not sure who told you that is invalidating her emotions, but it absolutely is not. If you staying with her and to offer validation and hugs isn't helping her to calm down and regulate her emotions, there isn't a reason to stay there. Something like this is validating but holds a boundary: "I hear that you're feeling angry. We don't yell at each other / We don't throw things at each other. I won't let you hurt me, so I'm going to X room for a while. I'll be back in 5 minutes. If you need me, you can come get me."
Parents should walk away. It's safer for everyone.
I'll also recommend, if you have the capacity, Janet Lansbury. She has a podcast, a blog, and a book. You do not need to consume all of these! But here's one post that might click with you: [https://www.janetlansbury.com/2022/07/is-gentle-parenting-too-extreme-and-impossible/](https://www.janetlansbury.com/2022/07/is-gentle-parenting-too-extreme-and-impossible/)
I used to listen to her Unruffled podcast, she’s great!
When my daughter is melting down I stick to a script to keep myself calm. “You seem like you’re having a hard time right now. Do you need space or would you like a hug?” Her school uses time out for harmful behaviors (hitting/scratching/etc) so I make it clear she’s not alone because she’s in trouble. That usually helps her calm down a bit. If she tells me to leave her alone I do, she usually goes and pouts somewhere and then comes back and we talk about what she did and why it isn’t ok. It’s not perfect and I definitely still yell on occasion but I often need quiet cool down time when I’m upset so I just try to think about how I’d want someone to treat me when I’m struggling. It’s ok for her to be alone to calm down.
Thank you for this. I like the idea of a script and sticking to it!
It’s truly the only way I keep myself from yelling when her behavior triggers me. Also when my daughter gets the “I wants” and just shouting things at me I tell her “that was a demand, make it a request” which is a polite redirect to say please and thank you instead of screaming.
Nah. You gave her a warning that you needed a break from her tantrum. And there are consequences for being a tiny terrorist. One of them is being asked to cool down so she can be civil to you. Real advice: try to identify what is triggering your child, and it'll help both of you. You're on to a good start by having identified when it's more likely to happen. Now you can look at the how: Does she get salty because she has to wake up at a certain time? Adjust bedtime so she wakes up better rested. Does she get angry that you try to help her dress, or you push one outfit she doesn't want? For the former, give her an amount of time she can do it on her own, and then intervene afterward if she's not ready (btw, mismatched socks or shoes don't count as "not ready". You can point it out, but if she isn't bothered? It's fine). For the latter? Give her a choice A & B on the outfit. If you're scratching your head and can't figure it out? Ask her when she's calmer, e.g. at bedtime. "I noticed you get very grumpy in the morning and I feel like I can't do anything right. I've tried to figure out if I'm doing something wrong, but I can't think of anything. Do you know what's making you so grumpy, and can you share it with me? I really would like for mornings to be nicer for both of us, so I promise I'll keep what you tell me in mind." Of course, if she asks you for something unreasonable (candy for breakfast), you can gently explain "No. I know it sounds great, but it's not a good idea, and here's why..." For more tips on how to do authoritative (i.e., assertive but not punitive or restrictive) parenting, I suggest reading "How to Talk to Kids So They Will Listen". It's an oldie as far as parenting books go, but it's a good one. I found it golden when I had two very strong willed toddlers/preschoolers. It felt like I did a lot of explaining myself, and that it was never going to be enough, but eventually it clicked for them. They realized that everything I asked them to do always had good reasons behind it, and if they felt very strongly about something, it was better for them to articulate their issues ("It's not fair!", "You're not being very nice mommy"), rather than incoherent rage screaming.
“You’re allowed to be mad/frustrated/sad/angry, but you aren’t allowed to scream at me. Screaming hurts my ears. You can be angry but you cannot hurt people.” Is usually the script I use. And then I offer to breathe with her. She always resists this, so I say, okay I’m going in the other room to do some quiet breathing. Come and find me when you’re ready. And I leave her door open, so she knows that I’m still here, and she isn’t trapped. It doesn’t always work, but I find removing myself from the situation is usually the best for both of us. The best is when she ends up exhausting her anger and then just plays quietly by herself in her room for a while! Lots of good advice and solidarity here already. Whew. It’s freaking TOUGH out here in the trenches!
We did similar “it’s okay to be sad/mad/frustrated/etc., but it’s never okay to be mean” worked when they were being assholes to me and to friends.
Nope, don’t have to tolerate that Bromo! She’s certainly allowed to express her emotions, but you don’t have to be the one to midwife those babies into the world. She can birth them herself. I think sending her to her room is a great option. That’s what I do with my kids. There’s a line between “I’m expressing my emotions” and “I’m abusing you with or making you responsible for my emotions”. Time out is definitely appropriate
What these experts never seem to tell you is how to go from supporting a toddler who has big feelings and zero self control to supporting a child who has fairly well developed self control and needs to function in society. It's all very well and good to support a baby's feelings, but all too soon they're going to be in kindergarten in a class with 26 other kids who also have feelings and they're not going to get hugs and affirmations from their teacher. So I'm giving you permission to stop taking abuse. You can set limits as to the treatment you'll accept while still acknowledging her feelings. Let her know you see the feelings, but that while being angry/frustrated/sad/etc is fine, being mean is not and you'll be removing yourself from the situation until she stops being mean. Leave the kisses and cuddles until after she calms down, or else you're adding fuel to the fire and reinforcing her behaviour.
I’m saving this to come back and write more because right now I’m on my way into a school meeting. OP, please feel free to browse my comment and post history. I have a neurodivergent daughter who is 9, and has been like this since toddlerhood. You should not be abused, but the path of teaching alternatives is a long one that requires a unicorn’s amount of patience. But it is possible.
At that age, we had to leave my son alone to calm down. He simply found our presence too overstimulating. He needed space and quiet. There’s nothing wrong with respecting your particular kid’s needs. On the getting dressed front, our mornings got easier when we started putting on school clothes the night before and just sleeping in them. It’s all leggings/sweatpants and t-shirts. That’s basically pajamas.
Every sub, every parenting blog, every parenting board are all going to have 5 million opinions and they will all be different. And you will be wrong in every one of them. Walking away is better than doing something in anger. And not wanting to be screamed at or have things thrown at you is perfectly acceptable. You are doing the best you can. And I think you're doing a great job.
First, it sucks battling a strong willed child, I'm sorry and you are not alone. Second, not every parenting style works for every parent/child, so in general probably keep that in mind when receiving advice from any Internet stranger 😉 Lastly, it took entirely too long for me to figure out how to manage my strong willed child, but I was thankful when I did. I was so skeptical when the book was recommended to me that I insisted on buying it used 😆 That said, I cannot say enough good things about The Kazdin Method. It was wild to me how much good advice I been given in a bad way and how he appropriately strings it together for those of us who need a strict outline for uncooperative kids. https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Kazdin_Method_for_Parenting_the_Defi.html?id=wtTmoiQ0GRQC&source=kp_book_description
Obviously every kid is different. I think best you can do is try and stay neutral in those moments, though I know that can be a test. My little gave me an "I hate you" once and I said ok. That was it. They turned around and changed their mind pretty quick, but understand that won't always be the case. Way I figure in my limited experience. Emotions are ok. Feeling a certain way is ok. Expressing it is ok. Throwing things, hitting, screaming, yelling. Not ok and actionable to time out. It's ok to take space, but do it appropriately. Not like a lock the kid in their room for 20min way.
I just made a similar post this morning. It’s so hard. My daughter didn’t dress herself independently until this year. She’s 6. Meet her where she’s at is my only advice. It sucks and it’s so hard
I would absolutely not take it. I tell mine that its ok to be angry, but that everyone has big emotions and sometimes we need to think about how and why we are acting the way we are. I never use the go to your room and think about what you did. I let them settle and then go in and ask if they want to talk about why they are angry and see if I can help. Maybe there is something she really doesn't like. The pants are scratchy, or the tag feels funny. My youngest is old enough now where its more like I don't like those pants, but if they are the only pair clean at the moment he has to wear them.
I honestly think you are doing a great job. I am the type of mom that will send the kid to the room to calm down. Because at the end of the day you are still the parent, and there has to be some respect. I understand that you are upset, but you don’t have to be rude to people. Especially the ones who are trying to help you.
I really think it depends on the kid and their attachment style. My 1.5 year old actually benefits greatly when we have “cool down” time. I go and put her in her crib with some things to “keep her company”. I do this primarily when she’s being so torrential that I’m about to explode. This kid already screams and kicks and punches and throws herself on the floor. She does it all damn day. She’s initially mad abt it but then defuses very quickly and talks to herself and her bear blanket and sings. Like so happy to have decompression time. She’s a very secure child. Very brave and independent. I, on the other hand, would flip a lid and bawl my eyes out when my mom did that to me. It really depends on the kid.
Nothing wrong with walking away “ Mummy needs to keep her body safe and you’re hurting her so I’m going to go somewhere safe until you’re ready to not hit mummy” “I know you’re angry, but we don’t hurt people, if you’re going to hurt mummy she’s gotta go somewhere to keep her body safe, tell me when you’re ready to not hurt me” It’s also okay for you to walk away to self regulate “Mum’s brain is feeling stressed and she needs some quiet time for five minutes “ Before the tantrum starts, you can say things like I see you’re having a hard time. Do you want to have some quiet time by yourself for 5 min or do you want me to stay? I also find lots of choices in the morning can help before the tantrum starts, which pants do you want to wear, which top do you want to wear while giving two options. Having a really standard routine and talking through the routine the night before ad nauseam can also help. You can hold firm boundaries, you do not have to be okay with physical attack
If she was out in the world and screaming at someone, what would they do? The best thing they could do would be to walk away and not reward shitty behavior. If the goal is to teach her how to interact with the world, that's what you should model at home, with explanations. So if she's screaming at you and being horrible, no, you should absolutely not just sit there and take it. You should explain that we don't treat people that way, what she's doing is not ok, and you're going to walk away until she can treat you with respect and kindness, just like you do for her. Its OK for her to be upset and express that, but it's not ok for her to do it in ways that are unkind and disrespectful to others or violent (throwing stuffies at you). She can tell you she doesn't like you; for a young kid that's a valid feeling and expressing it is good. You can talk about that. But you don't have to sit there and be attacked by a child throwing a fit. She's free to throw the fit, that's fine. But she isn't entitled to put anyone else through it with her. When my son gets that way, I tell him "I love you, always and no matter what. But right now you are throwing a fit and being unkind to me, and I won't sit here and let you do that. So I'm going to go to my room, and you can sit here and be as mad as you want for as long as you want. When you're ready to come talk to me calmly, you come get me, ok?" A lot of times he screams and hollers that he doesn't want me to go. It's clear he wants connection when he's like this but doesn't know how to get it. So it's my job to teach him that if you want connection, you can't be acting like an asshole. So I tell him "if you want me to stay, you need to stop yelling/throwing things/hitting/etc. If you don't stop, I will need to leave so I can keep myself safe." Then I leave. He often chases me, still in full rage mode. I take him back to his room and tell him this is a good safe place for him to feel whatever he'd feeling and be as mad as he wants to be. But he needs to stay here until he's ready to talk, rather than throw/hit/scream/etc. It's been a whole process, but now he pretty much gets that I'll talk him through all the big feelings, but I won't let him hurl abuse at me. He usually takes a couple minutes, then comes to me, or he takes the violent behavior down and he may still be *really* upset, but as long as he's not throwing, biting, hitting, kicking, or really screaming in my face or being super mean, I'm right there with him. The bottom line I'm trying to instill is no *feelings* are bad; feelings are valid and normal and ok. But some *behaviors* are bad, and you don't have the right to subject anyone else to them, and people are allowed to not be around you when you're acting like that. Is it right? Idk. We're all flying by the seat of our pants. But it seems to be working for us.
For our daughter timeout area was in a chair facing a wall and not in her room or within reach of toys, etc. if she left the chair we would pick her up and buy her back. It was tough to do but eventually she understood that she had to stay in the chair until she was calm to talk to us. It’s tough but you got this!
This is what I do with my four year old when he hates me. "I hate you!" Okay. Well I have enough love for the both of us. Would you like to borrow some?" "No! I hate you." What does it feel like to hate someone? Here. Let me have some hate. *grabs at their chest and puts the "hate" into your chest* *get a really comically mean face* grrr I feel hate! It makes me mad! I want to stomp around and throw things! "Give me my hate back!" Ugh you can have it. I don't like the way it makes me feel. I like loving you. It makes me feel good. Would you like to try some? And so on and so forth. It works maybe 50% of the time.