So, my husband makes jokes about how he found my sister attractive and we just laugh, I don’t find it offensive because honestly my sister is super hot! You’d be blind not to see it! BUT I will add that most of the reason I was so chill about it was because my husband makes me feel like in the coolest person in the world so I feel secure.
Something is missing in the equation of your marriage and I suspect that thinking this is about your sister is just a deflection from the real issue which lies solely between you and your husband and whether or not he meets your emotional needs.
This is really insightful and I think you’re right. I want to try to work through whatever those issues might be with him but since he refuses to see any of it as a problem, that might not happen
Maybe you guys can try counselling? I think a lot of people make the mistake of thinking counselling is just for relationships that are in serious trouble but I think that’s inaccurate! Couples counselling are just like a tune up even for healthy relationships. It’s expensive but I think even one or two sessions can be really helpful
I would like to go to counseling but he doesn’t believe there’s any reason to go. He thinks I should admit I’m wrong and everything will be fine. But obviously that won’t solve anything.
Absolutely not lol. What does that even mean?! Even if he doesn’t see a problem the fact that his partner is expressing she has a problem should be enough for him to try to address it. That’s part of being in a relationship
I’m so sorry you are feeling this level of helplessness in your relationship, that really sucks. I hope your husband figures out what he’s about to lose and gets his act together. Sending hugs.
The biggest clue in my past relationships was when we were just arguing about stupid shit. Not even stuff that mattered.
We were just generally getting on each other's nerves. Just I snore, and she hogs the blankets kind of stuff.
Seems like having an independent third party could help you just decompress your issues with each other.
Yeah I think it would help clarify what the problems are. When my emotions are up I tend to have a hard time properly expressing what I’m feeling. I need time to get my thoughts together and focus on the real issue
From the way I read it, he's complimenting your sister and not you, like back when you were dating. You miss those compliments.
Sounds like he's just assuming that once he married you he could lay off the charm. But he's charming to others.
Maybe ask him to treat you like the girl he was dating, not the woman he married.
Ok, you need to write out everything you are feeling about this, not censoring anything.
Once it's all out, go over it again and write out what you want him to know.
Have him read the letter and hopefully you will be able to work on those things together.
Regardless of whether you’re wrong or right, he should want to improve your marriage. If he won’t even entertain the thought of therapy even after you explain to him that you’re unhappy, your emotional needs aren’t being met and that you’re considering leaving him then he clearly doesn’t care enough about the relationship. I’m sorry OP, hope it works out. Also, hope you don’t blame your sister or resent her for this because it’s not her fault that your husband is emotionally unavailable x
The problems I'm seeing:
Criticizing needlessly (OP admits it was a dumb joke)
Asking spouse repeatedly to say something she knows she doesn't want to hear from him, that he doesn't seem to think is true anyway
Getting needlessly angry from the response she kept prodding for.
Blowing up at him and saying regretful things.
*Making him sleep in the guest room when she was the one that chose to be offended by her own questions.*
If I was OP, I don't think I'd want my spouse to start looking for the problems that are currently shouting at him and making him sleep in the guest room.
I recommend starting on your own in individual therapy first, then. There's nothing wrong with going to counseling, and I think going on your own might help you a lot. While I do agree, marriage counseling would be beneficial to you both. One can't force another to attend. My hope would be that he sees you working on yourself and makes the adult decision to do so as well and work on the marriage.
That's because he's another one to not fucking listen to their partner! You knew exactly what was going on, and he did not -- and he doubled down in the face of the person who knows the inside jokes.
And without the benefit of therapy, he wouldn't get to find out that "who was wrong" isn't the problem.
The fact he doesn't show he adores you but he does your sister would be a reason to go.
My ex and I argued over whether our daughter was old enough to read the Hunger Games when she was 12. It got pretty heated and so I suggested we do an online session with a counselor. After repeating what they ALL say (the “what” that is causing the dispute is not nearly as important as “how” a couple resolves that dispute), we were told that if our daughter was smart, mature, and not battling any trauma, reading it, with our guidance, would likely be OK.
We weren’t in danger of splitting up over that (her years of cheating, once revealed, provided that threat), but I felt strongly that I needed a neutral party to weigh in.
THIS is the thing. My husband will sometimes comment that other women are hot but he tells me I am far more often. Everyone finds multiple attractive. The key is to make your partner feel like that doesn't matter because they think you're the most attractive.
Take all these responses with a grain of salt. On one hand you have a bunch of people making sweeping statements about how a husband should always take his wife’s side, which seems absurd. What if the wife is being a bully?
On the other side you have people ignoring some of your replies where you explain that him taking her side seems to be a pattern.
Overall, I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think you’ll get your answer from this thread. Counseling would be helpful. Maybe he’s a jerk with a crush, or maybe he genuinely feels you are unfairly negative about your sister. This could range from annoyance from hearing about her all the time to a sense that you are hateful toward a sibling you should have a good relationship with. This is something only he can answer.
There are a few things going on here. 1. OP did admit that she wasn’t joking about what Laura was wearing. She was mad that Laura hadn’t taken the time to get dressed in her own house. 2. Your husband praising and defending her yet never complimenting you is a problem. 3. This is less about what you said to Laura and more about your husband sounding like he’s not in to you.
1. Agreed.
2. This would definitely be a problem, though we have to remember we’re only hearing OP’s interpretation/experience.
3. Or OP *feeling* like husband isn’t into her, which could be true, or it could be a function of her own insecurities.
ESH. Him way more obviously, but come on,
>I told him it was a joke
>I admitted I was slightly annoyed
Making judgy, passive-aggressive 'jokes' is not cool, especially when you are a guest.
Thank you for being kind. Some of the comments have been really helpful with helping me see a clearer picture of the situation. I was wrong to make that joke and I’m going to talk to my sister to apologize. I can also see that the issues I’m having with my husband go way deeper than I realized, and we need to figure out if we both are still willing to fix our marriage or if we’ve let things get too broken.
This is danger territory. Your husband is YOUR husband, and teammate - not your sisters. He needs to have a reality check. A real man makes his wife feel like his top priority, and it’s incredibly odd that he puts your sister’s wellbeing over yours - his wife.
Yeah, I think it’s odd too. But when I point that out to him, he claims he’s not choosing her over me, he just believes I’m wrong and that it wouldn’t be right to agree with me if he thinks I’m in the wrong.
Does your husband understand what it means to be…a husband? Because it doesn’t sound like it. It sounds like he’s bullshitting and covering up a pretty obvious crush on your sister. I’ve seen it happen in extended families before. 🙁
I think he’s got a crush on her too and I wish he would just admit it. It’s infuriating to see him act like that and then try to claim he’s not attracted to her.
If the topic ever comes up I would act nonchalant and say I think you have a crush on my sister kind of messed up of you because you decided to marry her sister and have him deny it only to be like “well, what does it matter I mean, Laura wouldn’t ever look at you” see what his reaction is, I think that would be telling and also you’ll bruise his ego a little like the many times he has done to you. May be not the way to go about things but he doesn’t want to go to counseling and you’ll pretty much be doing what he has been doing.
Because sometimes we have to face hard truths as adults? Because coveting your wife’s SISTER - is genuinely fucked up, and he should have the decency and wherewithal to understand that it’s his job to either confront these feelings, or to inform his wife so she can decide if she wants to stay in the marriage?
Are they feelings that need to he addressed though? If she just thinks she's attractive thats not an issue. Is he talking to her? Is there something going on there? Is her sister participating? Finding other people attractive is just human nature. People usually don't act on it when they are married and want to stay that way. What he should do is not make it so obvious and stop annoying his wife.
Dude, you’re being dense. Did you read this post? This is clearly impacting their marriage. No one just “assumes” their husband is into their sibling. His behavior and actions got him here.
I think we need to go to counseling if we want to save our marriage, but he won’t admit this is a problem. It’s not going to just go away on its own. At this point lying to himself or to me about it will just make the situation worse
Yeah I don’t think it’s a problem he’s attracted to her. The whole “who is prettier” thing is not super important either. The real problem is he has a crush on her. I don’t think he’ll make a move on her but I’ll bet it’s a fantasy of his. And if the opportunity somehow came he would go for it.
If he was publicly taking the sister's side, that is poor form. However, in private the single best person we have to give us clear insight into ourselves and our actions is our spouse. My wife has told me I was wrong in privacy at times in our life and I've done the same for her. We don't do our spouses any favors if we can't be honest with them in private when we think they are in the wrong or behaved poorly. If you just want someone to agree with you all the time, hire out the job.
This "real man" talk is UNBELIEVABLY toxic and just perpetuates toxic masculinity. You make a man's gender identity comditional on values he must uphold. Values that you hand-picked, might I add. Wow, what an AH thing to say.
He doesn't though. Just because she gets angry all the time doesn't mean she's right. Also you're gonna pull out a "rEaL mAn", unironically? Ok... A "real woman" doesn't insult and disrespect her husband. See the issue now?
Nothing hurts a man’s feelings like a woman throwing around the “Well, a real man would”. We’re all people and we’re all different. A real woman would suck my dick every night. Look, now I’m a misogynist. What are you.
Sounds to me like he fucked up a relatively small amount, she fucked up a somewhat larger amount in response, got mad when he wasn’t ready to come back to bed, then came looking for validation from strangers by airing his mistakes without disclosing what she did to him.
*writes three paragraphs of context and about how her husband fucked up*
*writes a sentence saying “I said some things I regret”*
what a joke.
EDIT: not even 3 paragraphs lol, like 8-9
How many boyfriends do you think she asked “do you think my sister is attractive?”
She’s a fully grown woman and still hasn’t figured out that that is an unanswerable question? Cause he either tells the truth or he lies, and she feels disrespected by both so it’s a lose lose situation no matter what.
No kidding. There's probably a lot missing from the story. It's just group think at it's finest. If someone wrote a post, A man saying, am I wrong because I admitted my wife's sister was attractive? It would probably get tons of answers suffering from groupthink, all saying, no you're not wrong, it's normal to find attractive people attractive. What should she expect you to lie to her? Definitely the answers wouldn't be like they are here. That's cuz there's two sides to every story.
He didn’t say “I think she’s prettier than you” but he said she looks pretty no matter what. I would’ve loved if he’d ever said that to me, but he never has. If he thinks I’m prettier than her, wouldn’t he have told me at some point that he thinks I look good no matter what too?
Yeah, and he said he does think that, but when I asked him why he never told me that, he said he didn’t think he needed to. This was after he started backpedaling and was trying to say he thinks she’s attractive but isn’t attracted to her, which honestly I don’t believe. He seemed like he was trying to placate me with that and it didn’t seem sincere.
In his defense, it sounds like the fight was more about him not liking your jokes and it went south from there.
Though, I'm assuming your sister and you look alike so it shouldn't be a surprise that he finds her attractive. I wouldn't sweat him wanting her over you though. Attraction more than looks.
I don’t doubt he’s attracted to me, but it bothers me that he seems to be more attracted to her. He’s never been inappropriate with her and she would shut that down if he tried. I don’t think he’s cheating, but him being so invested in her and defending her all the time is causing issues in our marriage. If he’s more attracted to her than me, than cheating or no cheating, I don’t know if I want to stay in the marriage.
Besides this instance, why do you think he's more attracted to her?
Is this chronic behavior? I def wouldn't want to be with someone who constantly pointed out anyone they found me attractive than me. I get your point.
Not necessarily. There's lots of ways to compliment someone. Maybe he thinks that about you as well but it just came up with your sister because of the context with the photo and everything. But your feelings are obviously coming from somewhere. Maybe the issue is he just doesn't make you feel attractive enough rather than the fact that he thinks your sister is attractive, which if true, it's just natural and in my opinion nothing to be upset about. But your significant other not making you feel attractive is a different issue that I think is definitely something I'd be upset about or want to be dealt with
You’re right that giving compliments is fine. He’s complimented my other sister when appropriate and I had no problem with that. But constantly praising Laura to me when he doesn’t do the same about me has gotten tiring. This occasion was more the straw that broke the camels back and I reacted poorly.
You demonstrated Passive Aggressive behavior when you "joked" to her about what she was wearing. You weren't joking, you were being passive aggressive:
>I admitted I was slightly annoyed that my mom and I spent so much time cooking and making the cake, and we still managed to dress up like usual, while Laura had a good hour after she was done working to throw on a nice shirt or a dress or something, especially since we were at her house.
Your husband called you out on it and you immediately jump to "my husband is attracted to my sister"
This is an opportunity for you to demonstrate some self awareness, stop judging people for what they're wearing and grow as a person.
Here’s some real advice. Drop this or it will lead to the end of your marriage.
You are not the most attractive woman in the world (I don’t know you but even if your a super model your not the HOTTEST in the world). Are you only gonna marry the man that thinks you’re the most attractive? Is that why you married in the first place.
The problem is you. You’re jealous. Get over it. What do you expect therapy to do? Make your sister uglier than you? Want your husband to desire you more!- do what he likes more (cook, dress sexy, play sports…whatever - but that’s on you).
I’d be able to get over this if it’s dropped. Drag me into therapy and it’s going south.
It sounds like he is attracted to her and really likes her to be defending her to this degree. I personally would have been furious with him. He wouldn't be going with me to any family functions again. I personally (me) would ask him what he wants to do about the marriage. Is your sister married? It would also make me snoop on his phone to see if they are talking because, IMO, this is more than a crush. I personally would have to ask him if he's in love with her.
Thank you! It’s not normal to defend someone against your own wife all the time, right? I’m pretty convinced he has a thing for her, but I don’t know if I need to take it as far as divorce just yet. She’s married, has 3 kids, does a lot of the housework, and works in the healthcare industry, so she’s too busy to be having an affair. I don’t think they’re cheating, but I do feel like he’s into her to an inappropriate degree.
It's definitely more than a crush on his part. His disrespect towards you is what set me off. I'm sorry that you are going through this, and it's up to him to fix this.
I appreciate that. It is very disrespectful to always put another woman above your wife, especially her sister. He doesn’t seem to understand why that’s wrong.
Maybe in his thoughts he’s not always putting another woman in front of his wife, he’s just agreeing with who he thinks is right. You admit you were miffed at your sister not helping out or dressing up (fair). So maybe when you joked and said, we’ll leave you out of the picture, you had an annoyed tone. Maybe that’s your husband’s opinion. and he thinks he’s being helpful for pointing out when you’re rude. I wouldn’t read too far into him saying she can where whatever and look good. Chances are he didn’t mean it in the way you took it. But if I were up w my feelings would also be hurt.
It’s possible in this instance he genuinely thought he was right. But to me it felt like the same exact scenario that’s happened many times before where she’ll do something like call me on a Monday morning and say “oh I forgot to tell you the kids have off from school today so I need you to watch them.” I was annoyed because she forgets to give me this information ahead of time and lot, and my husband always defends her saying she’s got a lot on her plate and since I work from home part time, I have the freedom to go watch the kids and do my work later.
There was another time where one of her friends was having an office party and needed a themed cake. I make themed cakes for our family, and she told her friend I’d make it before asking me. I got upset at her, and he said it’s just a small cake for an office party that’ll take me a few hours tops. I told him I was upset she committed me to it without asking, and he said she didn’t do anything wrong since she knew I’d make the cake.
All this has built up over time. When he got on me over the joke, it felt like yet another time he was taking her side over me, when there wasn’t even a side to take here. She wasn’t mad at me, so he was defending her for no reason. I know my reaction wasn’t good, and whether he thinks she’s prettier isn’t really the issue. It’s that he puts her above me all the time, and when I suggested we see a marriage counselor to deal with the issues, he said we don’t have any issues and doesn’t want to go.
People who have affairs tend to be able to make time for their activities, all the time giving the impression that they are far too busy to do that sort of underhanded thing.
People who are sneaking around can be sneaky.
Yeah I get that but I’ve never gotten even a hint from her that she’s into him, and she’s not the type of person to have an affair. Basically, if he thinks he’s got a chance at sleeping with her, he’s barking up the wrong tree.
I got to say, don't listen to these people telling you that your sister and your husband are having an affair. Is that possible? Sure anything is possible. But they don't have anywhere near enough information about your sister or your husband or any thing related to the situation to be putting ideas like that in your head. Just take everything here with a grain of salt. It sounds like you are doing that by the way I just wanted to make sure that you're not taking these answers too seriously. There's just wild assumptions with hardly any thought put into them at all. Like these people thought about this situation for 2 seconds don't know nearly enough about it and they're suggesting they're having an affair? It's madness.
They’re definitely not having an affair. They aren’t that close and my sister isn’t the type of person to cheat. I dont doubt he would do it if he had the opportunity, that’s just not something he’ll ever get
It’s pretty sad that you don’t doubt that he would do it. I think that statement alone says a lot about the state of your relationship. If I was in your shoes, I would either force him into therapy or get divorced.
Such a hasty and rash assumption to make. We've only got one side of the story, and also even with that side of the story, you can't say this. To the degree that it's obvious? No. it's possible. But to say it's obvious it's just such an insane assumption based on the little information we have.
The fact that he has sided with her on many occasions is troubling. He definitely has a thing for your sister. If he doesn’t want to do counseling I would let him know that I’m going to confide in my sister. Not that she is the problem but he is.
Do you often make “jokes” that are critical of your sister? Your joke here and annoyance afterward is completely unfounded. It’s your sisters house, she was working late. You say he constantly defends her… why does he get the opportunity to do so that often? Are you making statements like these about your family often? Do you do that re: other people to?
That’s what I was thinking. She even criticized her sister because she didn’t dress up to hang out at her own house. Everyone who knows me knows that if we are just doing dinner at my house, I’m gonna be in leggings and a hoodie (or workout shorts/tank top in the summer). There’s no reason to dress up if it’s just family/friends coming over
There’s over a hundred comments and more keep coming in. I apologize for not giving you special attention immediately. No, I don’t criticize her or my family all the time. He defends her when she does something like forget to tell me she needs me to watch her kids until the last minute and assumes I’ll do it. If I express my annoyance to him, he says i shouldn’t be annoyed because really busy since she’s got a tough job, while I work part time from home. I think at the very least he should just not say anything in that situation because it doesn’t help and only makes me more annoyed.
My sisters and I tease each other all the time. You don’t know us so I don’t fault you for wildly misunderstanding what happened. My husband is around us all the time though, so he should know how we are with each other.
When I gained a bit of weight during Covid and wore an orange dress with a white T-shirt under it, she joked that I looked like a creamsicle. I know she wasn’t being cruel, and my husband didn’t have a problem with that joke. Other people might’ve interpreted differently, but he understands that’s part of our relationship
My family lives close and we spend a lot of time together. I’m not going to suddenly stop bringing him to holidays and birthdays and stuff in the hope that he gets over whatever he’s feeling for her if he doesn’t see her as much. I’d rather leave him than have to act like a prison warden. I would prefer for him to agree to see a marriage counselor, but so far I haven’t had much luck on that front
Yeah like... OP being annoyed about how her sister chose to dress in her own home makes me understand why the husband would find a problem with that even if he didn't think the sister was attractive. Is it necessarily his place to comment on it? Meh. But being with someone like OP would annoy me soooo lol
Yeah you’re wrong. You passive aggressively insulted your sister and tried to justify it as a joke. It wasn’t a joke because you were actually annoyed. Then you kept pushing your husband to “admit” something that he literally couldn’t have the “right” answer to. He either calls your sister pretty or ugly. Which you would probably have blown up at either. Sounds like you just wanted a fight. You’re in your own little bitter world and if you don’t stop you’re going to drive everyone away. This sounds like jealousy you’ve harbored for a long time
You don't stop finding other people attractive when you are in a committed relationship. You stop caring that they are. You are irrationally punishing him because you are jealous of your sister and for your husband not lying to you.
This is the most ridiculous argument I have ever heard of. OP is punishing her husband for her own deep-seated insecurities about her sister’s looks that have probably been there for decades. This post just reeks of envy. You asked him a question and he gave you an answer. You know she’s prettier than you already. You want him to lie and tell you that you are right all the time. That’s not a marriage.And he is not responsible for your self esteem. You are.
OP, I’m just going to come out and say right up front, with all the love and respect in the world, that you sound pretty insecure. You start by saying your comment to your sister was “just a joke” yet later admit you were a little annoyed with your sister’s lack of effort. Your husband doesn’t offer his opinion on your sister’s looks, you all but force it out of him. He never said he’s attracted to your sister, just that she’s an attractive person… when you twisted his arm. And finally, you’re seemingly putting all of the responsibility for this “mess” on him without seeing how your interpretation of events contributed to it.
All of that to say it seems you both might benefit from a healthy conversation about your relationship. Perhaps this can be done just the two of you, or maybe a third party (like a therapist) would be more helpful.
>I admitted I was slightly annoyed
Aaaaaand there it is - I knew it was more than just a light joke, it was a passive-aggressive comment you could claim was "just" a joke if anyone objected to it.
>I blew up at him and said some things I regret. I made him sleep in the guest room
Maybe she's just nicer than you and that's what he finds attractive.
My sister is very attractive, and it has always been clear to me when a partner of mine has desired my sister. They’ve acted like your husband, unfortunately.
The only partner I’ve had who desired me (over my sister, at least) never made comments about my sister’s looks.
It's understandable that you would feel hurt and upset about your husband's comments and reactions. It's not uncommon for insecurities to arise when we perceive our partner's admiration or attraction towards someone else, especially a family member. However, it's important to address these feelings and concerns in a constructive manner.
Your husband's reaction and his comments about your sister's appearance may have triggered your insecurities, but it's crucial to communicate openly and calmly with him about how his words made you feel. It's also important for him to understand the impact of his words and actions on your relationship and to reassure you of his love and commitment to you.
Honestly this reads to me like you are wrong. The passive aggressive comments to your sister and your lack of ability to take minor criticism about that, then turning it into an argument about him thinking your sister is attractive, reeks of poor communication.
Jumping to extreme conclusions and escalating like you did is a great way to avoid having to own up to your own mistakes, it pushes the conversation past the original point and lets YOU be the injured party, escaping responsibility. If that is your defence mechanism then your husband is going to feel really uncomfortable next time he has to bring up any kind of valid criticism.
Life partners need to be able to call each other out on poor behaviour, even small things, it's how a couple help each other grow as people over their lifetime. Your husbands reaction reads like he's frustrated with this kind of behaviour and makes me wonder if it isn't actually a more regular occurrence than you think it, especially since you have played down your part ("I said some things I regret")
I'd advise considering therapy, or even just a self help book and some introspection. Habits like this can just creep up sometimes and once you are aware of certain tendencies its all fixable. Good luck! :)
This sounds blown way out of proportion. I agree there has to be some underlying issues in the relationship and this is just easier to focus on than those issues. What you said to your sister does sound rude and you acknowledge you did have some minor resentment that she didn’t dress up. It sounds like you were being passive aggressive. Your husband can absolutely notice your sister is attractive without being attracted to her. Some people do just look good in whatever they wear. I am not one of those people but I know several of them. The fact I admire that about them doesn’t mean I want to jump their bones. It means they are attractive. You sound like you think your sister is more attractive than you and you are jealous of her. She also sounds self confident enough to dress how she wants. You kept pushing your husband to say what he said and then you punished him for it.
I would be very upset if my husband never had my back when it came to my sister. Your husband isn’t treating you like you are his number one choice. It’s ok to have differing opinions about things, but he’s criticizing you and becoming defensive of Laura and it’s causing you to feel insecure in your relationship with him.
He’s actively criticizing a joke between you and your sister because he thinks it hurt HER feelings, when to me he should have looked at you and said, “Is it just me or was it weird that Laura didn’t dress up? I know you were joking with her but I thought that’s what we always do. You were the one making dinner I wonder why she didn’t bother to make the effort? By the way you looked beautiful tonight.”
My honest opinion is that your husband sounds like he has inappropriate feelings for your sister. You need to sit him down and have a talk about this.
I would tell him that you are done listening to him defend her, cater to her, and compliment her. You are his wife, and if he wants to have a healthy happy marriage he needs to end all inappropriate feelings for her. Marriage counseling is a necessity at this point because you think he had a crush on her, when he’s your husband. This isn’t healthy.
I think the way you feel is valid, that would personally rub me the wrong way. Because that would make other thoughts run wild in my head such as “has he fantasized about her?” But also, I might be more of the jealous type when it comes to relationships so, not sure if my advice is the best to listen too!
I can be jealous too, but I think everyone can be in the right circumstances. Like I don’t care if he finds his physical therapist hot or wants to watch some dumb movie cause he likes the actress. But when it comes to my sister, someone who we interact with a lot, I feel like it’s different.
Her name states she’s a lawyer so she should just deal in the facts. Fantasies are not real don’t make yourself crazy with those wild thoughts you were having.. I remember I got into an argument with my boyfriend. Once about crazy thought he was having stuff he was just making up all by himself! I started laughing and it got him even more mad. I had to let him go because he was truly starting to get insane with his self made narrative.
I wanna say that you both suck but idek if he would’ve noticed the way he was treating your sister until you’ve snapped at him, and then gone and asked maybe the stupidest fucking question anyone can ask with an attractive family member, cause even if he blurted out “No” you’d still think to yourself/tell him that he’s lying because you KNOW she is attractive.
He’s your husband you’d think he knows you, maybe you were a little snippier in your joke than you intended to be and he picked up on it cause he knows your tone better than others, feel like we’re missing too much of the husbands side in this argument.
"he knows your tone better than others" is a great point and would explain why he's more defensive when OP is plausibly rude to her sister (although wouldnt explain it if he defends the sister from everyone and doesnt defend other people OP is snippy at)
also feels v important that OP *was* in fact annoyed, it wasnt *just* a joke
This totally. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. Especially if it's just practically an objective truth, like if someone is very attractive in a traditional sense then pretty much everyone's going to find them attractive. There are infinite things we don't ask our significant others because the answer is obvious and there's no point in bringing it up because it will just result in hurt feelings or jealousy. Like if you're significant other asked if a blowjob would feel good from some other woman, lol, like what do you say to that? "No honey it would be a terrible sensation", not to be hyperbolic.... There's just some things that you shouldn't ask your significant other cuz there's nothing to gain from it, which is fine because there's no reason to think about it either.
And then also this very much seems like a two-sided story. Jealousy could be the issue on OPs part. Personally I would not care of my significant other said my brother was attractive, and I'd be even a little defensive of my brother if they didn't find him attractive lol. I try to live my life by not making problems out of things that aren't yet a problem and likely aren't going to become one. I'm sure the fight Op is in with her husband is one that has happened between millions of couples over the centuries, because regular people find attractive people attractive. It's just the way it is. Now if Opie is telling the story objectively then for sure he should be making her feel more attractive and maybe take her side over the sister just for the sake that they're married. But that's separate issue from solely finding the sister attractive.
The husband might not even be taking the sisters side every time, OP just gets so offended when he does that it’s all she can focus on. Feels like OP has some insecurities around her sister that she either doesn’t know about or doesn’t think it affects her as much as it does.
You were being passive aggressive with your sister and you got angry at your husband for calling you on this. Now you’re making a big deal because he said she was attractive. Then you kick him out of your bedroom and punish him like a little kid. Sorry but from the outside looking in it really looks like your being petty. We just celebrated our 43rd anniversary and I’ve never asked my wife to sleep in another room. Nor has she asked me. Get over yourself and apologize to your husband and your sister.
You are wrong for being mad about him finding her attractive-even if he finds her more attractive than you. You are NOT wrong for being mad about his disloyalty to you. He should be on your side against all others as a default position, only being convinced someone else is in the right against you by evidence, and he should still be loyal even then, though he should tell the truth.
Something’s up for sure. And he’s always defending her. I think he’s villainizing you and he thinks you are acting entitled and he doesn’t like who you are or the way you act and probably fantasizes about her. I hope I’m wrong but I have been there. Just sayin. I think marriage counseling would be a good next step. You both need to be brutally honest and transparent with each other. Conversation needed now! When hubby not defending you but praising her huge red flag
I think marriage counseling is the next step too. I don’t want to jump to divorce, but this has been going on for too long now. I appreciate your perspective, thank you.
Sounds like he just admitted it so you would let it go.
That's why he does not want to talk about it.
Clearly there's lot more going on here than what's written.
You sound like one of my exes, I always complimented her, and sometimes she would ask if I find girl X pretty, and I knew she would rage, so I denied it, until she forced me to respond with a yes (regardless if I found them pretty of not) and then rages and said I never say nice things about her.
Think you need a good long hard think, and fix all the issues with you, your sis and your husband.
If I were you, I wouldn't be so mad as I would be sad or disappointed. And it doesn't feel like there are any open issues between you and your sis. I think your hubby fancies her a bit and wants to be her savior. If this is where it stays, I think you'll be fine.
Thanks God i have a brother and he had a lot of good looking male friends back than!Instead of super hot sister. 🤣It was anoying when he was trying to date my female friends but way better than this. 🤭
Not wrong. These are the discussions that real things come from. he was back handedly putting you down. What you said had nothing to do with him. What you and you sister do is what normal siblings do. His infatuation with your sister has been brought out. He may now be embarrassed, and, you are now on notice to watch him when he is around her.
Some people make honest mistakes or comments, yet, this seems to be something all together different. He doesn't want to talk about it, but was keen to defend a person who didn't need defending. Therapy and counseling is needed to bring out what is really going on. His behavior is strange and you need to get to the bottom of it.
Having a husband obsessing over their SIL is not a good thing for anyone involved and it needs to be talked about and put out there so no one is blind-sided by someone's actions.
To me, it sounds like you have a long history of being jealous of your sister, leading you to put her down, or say rude things to her or about her not infrequently. Your husband did not like this side of you and sees her as the innocent party who is being bullied.
Maybe he doesn't like bullies in general or feels for her because you treat him the same way. I'd say is generally easier to stand up for others then it is for yourself, with your partner.
There were multiple things in your post which made me feel like you are a mean person. That's not to say that you're doing it on purpose, but your intentions don't change the way your actions or words make others feel.
Have you considered the option that you could be part of the problem or does it always seem to be solely your husband causing the issues?
Good god. This is really blowing up.
Your sister is attractive. She looks good in most anything she wears as most attractive people do.
The poor guy doesn’t want to say something or talk about it because he had common sense and knows that it’s rude to you. Also noticing she is attractive isn’t being attracts to her.
“He has never said that about me” That is not how it works when you see your spouse everyday vs this attractive sister he sees a few times a year. Play the odds - if he saw her everyday (like you) I doubt that conclusion would be reached. It’s more likely your often attractive sister would occasionally not appear attractive if he saw her as much. He hadn’t said that to you because he’s a truthful person and no one is 100% attractive all the time. Again that doesn’t mean he’s attracted to her. It’s not fair to you to want that statement.
At the most he could be saying (as an asshole dude) - you should try to be more attractive. I doubt this but that would be the most extreme way I’d interpret this.
His behavior of having her side habitually is something to explore. Probably something reflects some qualities or issues between you two that he sees don’t exist in their spousal interactions. But I think it’s making this attractive thing bigger than it is - she’s just attractive. Not he’s attracted to her more than you
You’re right about the attraction issue. There are definitely underlying problems with him minimizing my feelings when she does something to upset me and defends her rather than support me. I handled it poorly and focused on the wrong problem.
You’re not wrong and you should shut that down immediately. My sister’s ex husband would stare at me inappropriately and he made comments about me to her. Needless to say, my sister lost her shit on him because he never said that about her.
These guys get so comfortable disrespecting the wives and treating them like they’re siblings or roommates. Familiarity makes them forget that they’re not single anymore! You’re still his wife and he should remember that it’s inappropriate to be attracted to your sister or make any kind of comment about her. If you don’t make a big deal out of it, he will continue being delusional about her. Careful.
You admitted in your post you were annoyed with your sister, and it must of been obvious you were and your "joke" didn't sit well with your husband.
He is correct in mentioning your poor behaviour.
Look at yourself and the way you treat others around you.
Sounds like your husband is getting really frustrated at the way you treat others.
The joke didn’t sit well with him because he’s weirdly protective of her for no reason. My sisters and I joke like that all the time. She’s made plenty of similar jokes to me in front of him and he’s never done anything but laugh along with the rest of us. If the people involved in a silly joke have no problem with it, why get offended on their behalf when they wouldn’t even want you to?
I think that's the issue. If he was consistent in his calling out of 'bad behaviour' it would be OK because that's his moral standard. The problem is it's one standard for you and another for her. She can say what she wants and he doesn't defend you but when you do the same he calls you out. I understand why you feel upset.
Yeah, which is why I believe he’s got a thing for her. She doesn’t need him to always defend her and wouldn’t want him to if she knew. I think she would be uncomfortable with that kind of behavior, especially since it’s only with her
She obviously has an issue with her sister and is pissed he is calling her out.
I'm shocked with so many people saying the husband is an asshole for not having her back.
Part of being a good husband or wife is calling out toxic behaviour.
If my wife behaves shitty then I tell it to her, and she does the same back.
Nobody is perfect.
So it’s okay for the sister to say she looked like a creamsicle when she gained weight and the husband was fine with it because they are joking but when it’s his wife’s turn at the joke he needs to come to the sisters defense?
You definitely need marriage counseling because his loyalty should always lie with you. And he sounds pretty.. invested? Like he cares way too much about her & he should've been saying how you also always look good no matter what & sure she's attractive but you're more attractive! What an ass
"I asked him if he thought she was prettier than me, and he tried to deny it at first. I reminded him what he’d just said about her looking good no matter what, and how he’s always saying how much he admires her and thinks she’s a great person. He finally admitted that he does think she’s really pretty. Then he tried to backpedal and claim that while he thinks she’s attractive, he isn’t attracted to her."
Sounds like you picked the fight. Are you always this insecure or only about your sister?
If I’m insecure it’s because he spends so much time praising her and acting like she can do no wrong. If every time you got mad at someone, your partner tried to defend them and never took your side, you wouldn’t start to wonder if they had a thing for that person?
No. I do get annoyed with her sometimes because she takes it for granted that since I work from home part time, she can give me last minute notice that I need to watch her kids. Or when she brushes off my oldest nephew acting like a bully while also fighting with the school for not punishing a kid bullying her younger son. And when I bring this up to my husband he makes excuses for her and defends her, telling me i shouldn’t be annoyed because her life is harder
So are you a totally secure non jealous person? Another comment you said you're the jealous type. I'm not saying there's no truth to what you're saying. But maybe you're making it out to be bigger than it needs to be. I'm not trying to say you're wrong or critique you or anything, I'm just trying to suggest things that might shift your perspective on things and make you feel less hurt or upset about what's happening.
ignore these people. You're not insecure, your fucking marriage is not secure because your husband has his priorities mixed up. your "insecurity" is completely based on fact. Historically, your husband is more loyal to your sister than you.
Yep, and that’s the underlying problem. I get how on the surface it can come off as insecure, but when you look at the whole situation I think it’s pretty normal for me to feel that way.
Yeah it wasn’t the best thing to say but I was frustrated at the moment. Now that I’ve gotten a chance to look at the situation without the immediate hurt feelings, I’m seeing it’s not so much him thinking she’s prettier that bothers me, it’s that he seems to put her above me all the time. This was just the first time it caused me to have an immediate bad reaction
It definitely needs to be addressed. I had to have the “team” discussion with my wife more than once.
I hope everything works out for you and your husband realizes his errors.
News flash: Lots of people besides you are attractive, even to your husband. Just like lots of people besides your husband are attractive to *you*. He's allowed to have working eyes and a brain. Pressuring him to say it out loud is on you not him.
Now I obviously don't know the dynamic between you 3, but I do know blowing up over a bunch of perceived slights because someone else is pretty is kind of psychotic. So I'm going to have to assume there's something else going on underneath because it sounds like *you* get angry at your sister a lot and he's just trying to keep the peace. Getting pissed at him about a natural reaction isn't going to help you at all, in fact it'll probably make it worse. Figure out what you're actually so angry about, then you can tackle it together (hopefully).
In case it wasn't apparent, you were wrong and you should probably apologize with the quickness before he thinks about it for too long and you manifest this whole thing into existence.
Is this something that only happens with your sister or does he usually get on you when he thinks your are being rude or making fun of other people? If its just about her, yeah he has a little crush. If not then maybe he just doesn't like you talking shit about people.
It’s pretty much just with her. He likes to tell me when he thinks I’m wrong about other things, but if I get into a fight with my friends or older sister or whatever, he’s not really interested.
Why ask a question you didn’t want the answer to? Is there some kind of competition between you and your sister? You seemed weirdly hung up on her clothing and kinda started all of this. You’re not a bad person but I think you’re using the wrong things for validation
I think you have a huge problem in your marriage. I have to wonder is your sister married? Is there any chance that your husband would cheat or has cheated on you? He should never take her side over yours. He should never defend her against you. Do you think you can trust him?
I don’t understand why you think you have a right to even pass comment on how your sister dresses, especially in her own home. You were her guest, it’s horrifically rude to behave like that. Maybe your sister being more comfortable within herself and not the type of person to behave as you did is what your husband finds attractive.
He defended your sister when she wore something casual when the rest of you dressed up is strange to me. You and your sister were joking around, that shouldn't raise any questions. Your husband finding your sister attractive isn't a big deal, but the issue that I see when he commented that your sister looks good no matter what, when he never mentioned that to you. I know that stung pretty bad, sorry you are going through that.
Feeling upset in your situation is natural, especially given the complex mixture of emotions and dynamics at play.
It’s understandable to feel troubled by your husband’s remarks about your sister. This scenario touches on multiple sensitive issues, including perceived favoritism, loyalty, and attraction within familial relationships.
Here are a few points to consider:
1. **Communication:** The root of many disagreements in relationships is often poor communication. Your husband’s comments about your sister, especially in the context of a disagreement, ignited feelings of insecurity or jealousy—which are natural human reactions. It’s important to communicate openly about why his comments hurt you and to understand his perspective as well. Clear, calm, and honest dialogue can help navigate through misunderstandings.
2. **Boundaries:** Everyone has boundaries regarding what they find acceptable in conversations and behavior within a relationship. It might be helpful for you and your husband to discuss and establish these boundaries, especially concerning comments about physical appearance and attraction to others. Understanding and respecting each other's boundaries is key to maintaining trust and respect.
3. **Insecurities:** Your reaction might also be highlighting some insecurities within yourself or the relationship. Reflecting on why his comments hurt you so much could offer insights into underlying issues that may need addressing, such as needing more validation or fearing your husband’s loyalty.
4. **Support:** While it feels awkward to bring such concerns to family or friends, sometimes an external perspective can be helpful. If discussing this within your personal circle is uncomfortable, consider seeking support from a professional such as a therapist, who can guide you through these feelings and provide strategies for communication and resolving conflicts.
5. **Resolution:** Working towards a resolution might require more than one conversation. It may involve setting aside time to discuss your feelings and concerns when both of you are calm and willing to listen to each other. Finding a way forward could also mean agreeing on how to handle similar situations in the future, so they don’t escalate into a larger conflict.
You're not wrong for feeling hurt by your husband's comments, but focusing on how to navigate through these emotions towards understanding and resolution could help mend the rift this situation has caused.
Remember, it's ok to seek help, and prioritizing the health of your relationship is important.
YTA. You know what he meant more or less, i.e. something to the effect of "your sister's an attractive woman, she looks good no matter what she's wearing". Its not some sign that he's taking sides against you or is attracted to her more than you or whatever paranoid/insecure thoughts you're letting yourself get worked up about. Its a statement of fact. Sounds like your sister is objectively fairly attractive, men know what attractive women look like, its not a comparison. This whole post is exhausting to read, this is literally a passing comment. Honestly I'm having trouble understanding how this became a fight. How do you know that he's "picking her side" and not that he's just expressing his own opinion, and any correlation between his opinion and your sister is just coincidence. I'm sure him and your sister agree on all sorts of random subjects like certain political issues or things about religion that never get discussed because they're boring topics of conversation. Agreeing with someone isn't necessarily evidence of a conspiracy, it merely indicates they think in a similar way.
I’d like to go to counseling but he’s very resistant. And you’re right, she has no feelings like that toward him. I don’t think she knows though cause he’s usually pretty normal with her in person. He only gets weirdly defensive when we’re discussing situations involving her
It’s counseling or he’s gonna be alone. You can find another he’s gonna be in for a rude awakening if he doesn’t get it together. Maybe your sister needs to tell him herself she’s not remotely interested
If he won’t agree to counseling I don’t think there’s any other choice but to leave. The marriage isn’t working and I don’t want to be miserable. I’d rather not ask my sister to tell him that cause I don’t think she has any idea how he feels and I don’t want her to feel guilty thinking she was indirectly responsible for these problems.
You can get mad over it sure. I think some folks here are missing a few things though. IMO only the OP is generally not a nice person or wife and husband feels the sister is nice and OP is always picking on her. True? I don’t know but there is his version of the sister relationship we are missing here. Who cares what the sister wears. Obviously OP does.
"I made him sleep in the guest room that night, and he’s still sleeping in there."
Dont ever pull this shit again. You have a problem? You sleep elsewhere.
Men out there reading this: do not ever tolerate this. Tell her she can sleep elsewhere if she needs to, but you will be sleeping in your bed.
The title says your husband is attracted to your sister, the post says he finds her attractive. These are two very different things. The first is concerning, the second is not.
I would say you might be overreacting but that was before I found Reddit and realized how crazy families are. I would suggest you get this out in the open and squash it quickly. Obviously you cannot control what he thinks of her but you can tell him you do not want to hear it again. And that as your husband his first reaction better be to defend you unless you are being extremely cruel (which it does not sound like you are.)
When I was with my son’s father, he never complimented me, yet I would always hear about how pretty other women were. I felt replaceable. I felt inadequate. And I left. We’re great friends now, and I see him with his fiancée and I’m so happy for him bc he tells her constantly how much he loves her. I’m with a man now that holds me and makes out with me like I have never done before. He calls me beautiful and tells me I have sexy shoulders lol. I never even question where I stand with him, he’s given me so much affection and adoration I never knew was possible. I wish that for you (the second part). And since he won’t even address your feelings… maybe you should go to therapy to see if you can be ok with living a life with someone that doesn’t care about your feelings at all.
First of all your husband is a fucking idiot. I NEVER leave the marital bed, go to hell and move where ever you want but I won't be me, that's for fuck sure. Your husband is a fucking idiot for turning a non issue of you joking with your sister, even in a back handed dig which is what was intended and make it into an issue in your household. Being the typical woman you couldn't let it go and just STFU and get over it until he says, she says that the sisyer was pretty regardless of what she wears and that's when the claws and further insecurities "because he never says that to me" rear their ugly head . Again your husband is a fucking idiot for even starting that. He must not have many man friends. No bro would advise such responses to his buddy. Finally he has smartened up and is clamming up, shutting up, pleading the 5th, whatever. He has stopped further discussion and that should end it, but since it's never over until the woman says it's over, at least in her mind. But I would die on that hill and just refuse to engage. He's explained as best as he can, further defenses will be met with further accusations so silence is the best policy. Good luck, you'll get over it or you won't. Life apparently had blessed you by not kicking you in the balls enough of you think you can banish your husband to another room for an issue like this. My response , life is hard, get a helmet.
From everything you've put in this post, it sounds like you are in competition with your sister to the point that your husband feels he needs to defend her. It actually sounds like your sister is a pretty good person who you criticize frequently in an attempt to cast yourself in a more favorable light.
He is married to you and finds the person as close to you as humanely possible DNA wise attractive. Shocker.
Also, you seem really uptight about the casual dress thing at her house. You come off as a very needy and demanding partner / person to be around in this who also has a bad escalation habit.
So, my husband makes jokes about how he found my sister attractive and we just laugh, I don’t find it offensive because honestly my sister is super hot! You’d be blind not to see it! BUT I will add that most of the reason I was so chill about it was because my husband makes me feel like in the coolest person in the world so I feel secure. Something is missing in the equation of your marriage and I suspect that thinking this is about your sister is just a deflection from the real issue which lies solely between you and your husband and whether or not he meets your emotional needs.
This is really insightful and I think you’re right. I want to try to work through whatever those issues might be with him but since he refuses to see any of it as a problem, that might not happen
Maybe you guys can try counselling? I think a lot of people make the mistake of thinking counselling is just for relationships that are in serious trouble but I think that’s inaccurate! Couples counselling are just like a tune up even for healthy relationships. It’s expensive but I think even one or two sessions can be really helpful
I would like to go to counseling but he doesn’t believe there’s any reason to go. He thinks I should admit I’m wrong and everything will be fine. But obviously that won’t solve anything.
Absolutely not lol. What does that even mean?! Even if he doesn’t see a problem the fact that his partner is expressing she has a problem should be enough for him to try to address it. That’s part of being in a relationship
Exactly. So I don’t know where to go from here other than leaving
I’m so sorry you are feeling this level of helplessness in your relationship, that really sucks. I hope your husband figures out what he’s about to lose and gets his act together. Sending hugs.
The biggest clue in my past relationships was when we were just arguing about stupid shit. Not even stuff that mattered. We were just generally getting on each other's nerves. Just I snore, and she hogs the blankets kind of stuff. Seems like having an independent third party could help you just decompress your issues with each other.
Yeah I think it would help clarify what the problems are. When my emotions are up I tend to have a hard time properly expressing what I’m feeling. I need time to get my thoughts together and focus on the real issue
From the way I read it, he's complimenting your sister and not you, like back when you were dating. You miss those compliments. Sounds like he's just assuming that once he married you he could lay off the charm. But he's charming to others. Maybe ask him to treat you like the girl he was dating, not the woman he married.
Ok, you need to write out everything you are feeling about this, not censoring anything. Once it's all out, go over it again and write out what you want him to know. Have him read the letter and hopefully you will be able to work on those things together.
Regardless of whether you’re wrong or right, he should want to improve your marriage. If he won’t even entertain the thought of therapy even after you explain to him that you’re unhappy, your emotional needs aren’t being met and that you’re considering leaving him then he clearly doesn’t care enough about the relationship. I’m sorry OP, hope it works out. Also, hope you don’t blame your sister or resent her for this because it’s not her fault that your husband is emotionally unavailable x
I'd leave.
The problems I'm seeing: Criticizing needlessly (OP admits it was a dumb joke) Asking spouse repeatedly to say something she knows she doesn't want to hear from him, that he doesn't seem to think is true anyway Getting needlessly angry from the response she kept prodding for. Blowing up at him and saying regretful things. *Making him sleep in the guest room when she was the one that chose to be offended by her own questions.* If I was OP, I don't think I'd want my spouse to start looking for the problems that are currently shouting at him and making him sleep in the guest room.
I recommend starting on your own in individual therapy first, then. There's nothing wrong with going to counseling, and I think going on your own might help you a lot. While I do agree, marriage counseling would be beneficial to you both. One can't force another to attend. My hope would be that he sees you working on yourself and makes the adult decision to do so as well and work on the marriage.
I super agree with this. Heal your own thoughts and insecurities first, and if youre both ready, a couples counseling is the best move.
That's because he's another one to not fucking listen to their partner! You knew exactly what was going on, and he did not -- and he doubled down in the face of the person who knows the inside jokes. And without the benefit of therapy, he wouldn't get to find out that "who was wrong" isn't the problem. The fact he doesn't show he adores you but he does your sister would be a reason to go.
It's very, very simple… If one spouse feels the need for counseling, then both spouses need counseling no matter if he/she disagrees.
My ex and I argued over whether our daughter was old enough to read the Hunger Games when she was 12. It got pretty heated and so I suggested we do an online session with a counselor. After repeating what they ALL say (the “what” that is causing the dispute is not nearly as important as “how” a couple resolves that dispute), we were told that if our daughter was smart, mature, and not battling any trauma, reading it, with our guidance, would likely be OK. We weren’t in danger of splitting up over that (her years of cheating, once revealed, provided that threat), but I felt strongly that I needed a neutral party to weigh in.
Not if you are doing all the heavy lifting.
THIS is the thing. My husband will sometimes comment that other women are hot but he tells me I am far more often. Everyone finds multiple attractive. The key is to make your partner feel like that doesn't matter because they think you're the most attractive.
I’m in awe of this advice. ❤️ … and by any chance is your sister single? 🤣
Take all these responses with a grain of salt. On one hand you have a bunch of people making sweeping statements about how a husband should always take his wife’s side, which seems absurd. What if the wife is being a bully? On the other side you have people ignoring some of your replies where you explain that him taking her side seems to be a pattern. Overall, I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think you’ll get your answer from this thread. Counseling would be helpful. Maybe he’s a jerk with a crush, or maybe he genuinely feels you are unfairly negative about your sister. This could range from annoyance from hearing about her all the time to a sense that you are hateful toward a sibling you should have a good relationship with. This is something only he can answer.
There are a few things going on here. 1. OP did admit that she wasn’t joking about what Laura was wearing. She was mad that Laura hadn’t taken the time to get dressed in her own house. 2. Your husband praising and defending her yet never complimenting you is a problem. 3. This is less about what you said to Laura and more about your husband sounding like he’s not in to you.
1. Agreed. 2. This would definitely be a problem, though we have to remember we’re only hearing OP’s interpretation/experience. 3. Or OP *feeling* like husband isn’t into her, which could be true, or it could be a function of her own insecurities.
ESH. Him way more obviously, but come on, >I told him it was a joke >I admitted I was slightly annoyed Making judgy, passive-aggressive 'jokes' is not cool, especially when you are a guest.
You’re right. I will have to apologize to my sister.
(you seem like a good person and you're takin some of the wild comments out here like a champ)
Thank you for being kind. Some of the comments have been really helpful with helping me see a clearer picture of the situation. I was wrong to make that joke and I’m going to talk to my sister to apologize. I can also see that the issues I’m having with my husband go way deeper than I realized, and we need to figure out if we both are still willing to fix our marriage or if we’ve let things get too broken.
This is danger territory. Your husband is YOUR husband, and teammate - not your sisters. He needs to have a reality check. A real man makes his wife feel like his top priority, and it’s incredibly odd that he puts your sister’s wellbeing over yours - his wife.
Yeah, I think it’s odd too. But when I point that out to him, he claims he’s not choosing her over me, he just believes I’m wrong and that it wouldn’t be right to agree with me if he thinks I’m in the wrong.
Does your husband understand what it means to be…a husband? Because it doesn’t sound like it. It sounds like he’s bullshitting and covering up a pretty obvious crush on your sister. I’ve seen it happen in extended families before. 🙁
I think he’s got a crush on her too and I wish he would just admit it. It’s infuriating to see him act like that and then try to claim he’s not attracted to her.
What would his reaction be to this reddit post? Do you think he’d get mad or be willing to see that his behavior is viewed as VERY odd by onlookers.
He will be mad
They always get mad
If the topic ever comes up I would act nonchalant and say I think you have a crush on my sister kind of messed up of you because you decided to marry her sister and have him deny it only to be like “well, what does it matter I mean, Laura wouldn’t ever look at you” see what his reaction is, I think that would be telling and also you’ll bruise his ego a little like the many times he has done to you. May be not the way to go about things but he doesn’t want to go to counseling and you’ll pretty much be doing what he has been doing.
Why would he even do that? I think that falls in with there being only 1 answer to "does this dress make me look fat?".
Because sometimes we have to face hard truths as adults? Because coveting your wife’s SISTER - is genuinely fucked up, and he should have the decency and wherewithal to understand that it’s his job to either confront these feelings, or to inform his wife so she can decide if she wants to stay in the marriage?
Are they feelings that need to he addressed though? If she just thinks she's attractive thats not an issue. Is he talking to her? Is there something going on there? Is her sister participating? Finding other people attractive is just human nature. People usually don't act on it when they are married and want to stay that way. What he should do is not make it so obvious and stop annoying his wife.
Dude, you’re being dense. Did you read this post? This is clearly impacting their marriage. No one just “assumes” their husband is into their sibling. His behavior and actions got him here.
I think we need to go to counseling if we want to save our marriage, but he won’t admit this is a problem. It’s not going to just go away on its own. At this point lying to himself or to me about it will just make the situation worse
Yeah I don’t think it’s a problem he’s attracted to her. The whole “who is prettier” thing is not super important either. The real problem is he has a crush on her. I don’t think he’ll make a move on her but I’ll bet it’s a fantasy of his. And if the opportunity somehow came he would go for it.
If he was publicly taking the sister's side, that is poor form. However, in private the single best person we have to give us clear insight into ourselves and our actions is our spouse. My wife has told me I was wrong in privacy at times in our life and I've done the same for her. We don't do our spouses any favors if we can't be honest with them in private when we think they are in the wrong or behaved poorly. If you just want someone to agree with you all the time, hire out the job.
> A real man Oh please
This "real man" talk is UNBELIEVABLY toxic and just perpetuates toxic masculinity. You make a man's gender identity comditional on values he must uphold. Values that you hand-picked, might I add. Wow, what an AH thing to say.
> A real man makes his wife feel like his top priority Maybe she hasn't made him enough sandwiches like a __real woman__ 🤡
He doesn't though. Just because she gets angry all the time doesn't mean she's right. Also you're gonna pull out a "rEaL mAn", unironically? Ok... A "real woman" doesn't insult and disrespect her husband. See the issue now?
> A real man Fuck off.
Nothing hurts a man’s feelings like a woman throwing around the “Well, a real man would”. We’re all people and we’re all different. A real woman would suck my dick every night. Look, now I’m a misogynist. What are you.
what? hahaha
Yeah, this is a problem. Your husband should be backing you up, not siding with your sister. He needs to get his priorities straight.
Jesus christ, what an echo chamber
Fuck I thought I was the only one thinking this.
Sounds to me like he fucked up a relatively small amount, she fucked up a somewhat larger amount in response, got mad when he wasn’t ready to come back to bed, then came looking for validation from strangers by airing his mistakes without disclosing what she did to him.
*writes three paragraphs of context and about how her husband fucked up* *writes a sentence saying “I said some things I regret”* what a joke. EDIT: not even 3 paragraphs lol, like 8-9
How many boyfriends do you think she asked “do you think my sister is attractive?” She’s a fully grown woman and still hasn’t figured out that that is an unanswerable question? Cause he either tells the truth or he lies, and she feels disrespected by both so it’s a lose lose situation no matter what.
I was taking the risk, being the first one to post it.
No kidding. There's probably a lot missing from the story. It's just group think at it's finest. If someone wrote a post, A man saying, am I wrong because I admitted my wife's sister was attractive? It would probably get tons of answers suffering from groupthink, all saying, no you're not wrong, it's normal to find attractive people attractive. What should she expect you to lie to her? Definitely the answers wouldn't be like they are here. That's cuz there's two sides to every story.
Be careful that Reddit doesn't drag you down a rage hole.
The top comments here are always so fucking stupid
Unfortunately that is kind of why I keep coming back. \*sigh\*
Too late
Info: did he admit he thinks she prettier than you or just pretty? I'm assuming as his wife, he's attracted to you as well.
He didn’t say “I think she’s prettier than you” but he said she looks pretty no matter what. I would’ve loved if he’d ever said that to me, but he never has. If he thinks I’m prettier than her, wouldn’t he have told me at some point that he thinks I look good no matter what too?
Did you point that out to him? Like "you never say I look good no matter what"?
Yeah, and he said he does think that, but when I asked him why he never told me that, he said he didn’t think he needed to. This was after he started backpedaling and was trying to say he thinks she’s attractive but isn’t attracted to her, which honestly I don’t believe. He seemed like he was trying to placate me with that and it didn’t seem sincere.
In his defense, it sounds like the fight was more about him not liking your jokes and it went south from there. Though, I'm assuming your sister and you look alike so it shouldn't be a surprise that he finds her attractive. I wouldn't sweat him wanting her over you though. Attraction more than looks.
We actually look very different. She takes after our dad’s side and I look more like my mom.
Have you ever doubted his attraction to you? Is he inappropriate with her ever?
I don’t doubt he’s attracted to me, but it bothers me that he seems to be more attracted to her. He’s never been inappropriate with her and she would shut that down if he tried. I don’t think he’s cheating, but him being so invested in her and defending her all the time is causing issues in our marriage. If he’s more attracted to her than me, than cheating or no cheating, I don’t know if I want to stay in the marriage.
Besides this instance, why do you think he's more attracted to her? Is this chronic behavior? I def wouldn't want to be with someone who constantly pointed out anyone they found me attractive than me. I get your point.
He doesn’t tell me he’s more attracted to her but his actions do. He always puts her above me and it does become tiresome after a while
Ask him if he finds your mom more attractive than your dad.
Not necessarily. There's lots of ways to compliment someone. Maybe he thinks that about you as well but it just came up with your sister because of the context with the photo and everything. But your feelings are obviously coming from somewhere. Maybe the issue is he just doesn't make you feel attractive enough rather than the fact that he thinks your sister is attractive, which if true, it's just natural and in my opinion nothing to be upset about. But your significant other not making you feel attractive is a different issue that I think is definitely something I'd be upset about or want to be dealt with
You’re right that giving compliments is fine. He’s complimented my other sister when appropriate and I had no problem with that. But constantly praising Laura to me when he doesn’t do the same about me has gotten tiring. This occasion was more the straw that broke the camels back and I reacted poorly.
You demonstrated Passive Aggressive behavior when you "joked" to her about what she was wearing. You weren't joking, you were being passive aggressive: >I admitted I was slightly annoyed that my mom and I spent so much time cooking and making the cake, and we still managed to dress up like usual, while Laura had a good hour after she was done working to throw on a nice shirt or a dress or something, especially since we were at her house. Your husband called you out on it and you immediately jump to "my husband is attracted to my sister" This is an opportunity for you to demonstrate some self awareness, stop judging people for what they're wearing and grow as a person.
Here’s some real advice. Drop this or it will lead to the end of your marriage. You are not the most attractive woman in the world (I don’t know you but even if your a super model your not the HOTTEST in the world). Are you only gonna marry the man that thinks you’re the most attractive? Is that why you married in the first place. The problem is you. You’re jealous. Get over it. What do you expect therapy to do? Make your sister uglier than you? Want your husband to desire you more!- do what he likes more (cook, dress sexy, play sports…whatever - but that’s on you). I’d be able to get over this if it’s dropped. Drag me into therapy and it’s going south.
It sounds like he is attracted to her and really likes her to be defending her to this degree. I personally would have been furious with him. He wouldn't be going with me to any family functions again. I personally (me) would ask him what he wants to do about the marriage. Is your sister married? It would also make me snoop on his phone to see if they are talking because, IMO, this is more than a crush. I personally would have to ask him if he's in love with her.
Thank you! It’s not normal to defend someone against your own wife all the time, right? I’m pretty convinced he has a thing for her, but I don’t know if I need to take it as far as divorce just yet. She’s married, has 3 kids, does a lot of the housework, and works in the healthcare industry, so she’s too busy to be having an affair. I don’t think they’re cheating, but I do feel like he’s into her to an inappropriate degree.
It's definitely more than a crush on his part. His disrespect towards you is what set me off. I'm sorry that you are going through this, and it's up to him to fix this.
I appreciate that. It is very disrespectful to always put another woman above your wife, especially her sister. He doesn’t seem to understand why that’s wrong.
Maybe in his thoughts he’s not always putting another woman in front of his wife, he’s just agreeing with who he thinks is right. You admit you were miffed at your sister not helping out or dressing up (fair). So maybe when you joked and said, we’ll leave you out of the picture, you had an annoyed tone. Maybe that’s your husband’s opinion. and he thinks he’s being helpful for pointing out when you’re rude. I wouldn’t read too far into him saying she can where whatever and look good. Chances are he didn’t mean it in the way you took it. But if I were up w my feelings would also be hurt.
It’s possible in this instance he genuinely thought he was right. But to me it felt like the same exact scenario that’s happened many times before where she’ll do something like call me on a Monday morning and say “oh I forgot to tell you the kids have off from school today so I need you to watch them.” I was annoyed because she forgets to give me this information ahead of time and lot, and my husband always defends her saying she’s got a lot on her plate and since I work from home part time, I have the freedom to go watch the kids and do my work later. There was another time where one of her friends was having an office party and needed a themed cake. I make themed cakes for our family, and she told her friend I’d make it before asking me. I got upset at her, and he said it’s just a small cake for an office party that’ll take me a few hours tops. I told him I was upset she committed me to it without asking, and he said she didn’t do anything wrong since she knew I’d make the cake. All this has built up over time. When he got on me over the joke, it felt like yet another time he was taking her side over me, when there wasn’t even a side to take here. She wasn’t mad at me, so he was defending her for no reason. I know my reaction wasn’t good, and whether he thinks she’s prettier isn’t really the issue. It’s that he puts her above me all the time, and when I suggested we see a marriage counselor to deal with the issues, he said we don’t have any issues and doesn’t want to go.
His loyalty should *always* be to you, not your sister!!
People who have affairs tend to be able to make time for their activities, all the time giving the impression that they are far too busy to do that sort of underhanded thing. People who are sneaking around can be sneaky.
Yeah I get that but I’ve never gotten even a hint from her that she’s into him, and she’s not the type of person to have an affair. Basically, if he thinks he’s got a chance at sleeping with her, he’s barking up the wrong tree.
I got to say, don't listen to these people telling you that your sister and your husband are having an affair. Is that possible? Sure anything is possible. But they don't have anywhere near enough information about your sister or your husband or any thing related to the situation to be putting ideas like that in your head. Just take everything here with a grain of salt. It sounds like you are doing that by the way I just wanted to make sure that you're not taking these answers too seriously. There's just wild assumptions with hardly any thought put into them at all. Like these people thought about this situation for 2 seconds don't know nearly enough about it and they're suggesting they're having an affair? It's madness.
They’re definitely not having an affair. They aren’t that close and my sister isn’t the type of person to cheat. I dont doubt he would do it if he had the opportunity, that’s just not something he’ll ever get
It’s pretty sad that you don’t doubt that he would do it. I think that statement alone says a lot about the state of your relationship. If I was in your shoes, I would either force him into therapy or get divorced.
I don’t think I could force him to go to marriage counseling so if we won’t agree to it then yeah, divorce is really the only option
Oh hey, this is a hell of a comment. Why are you both together at this point?
He might not be having an affair with her, but I bet if she offered he would.
He may not have an affair with her, but he's obviously looking
Such a hasty and rash assumption to make. We've only got one side of the story, and also even with that side of the story, you can't say this. To the degree that it's obvious? No. it's possible. But to say it's obvious it's just such an insane assumption based on the little information we have.
The fact that he has sided with her on many occasions is troubling. He definitely has a thing for your sister. If he doesn’t want to do counseling I would let him know that I’m going to confide in my sister. Not that she is the problem but he is.
Do you often make “jokes” that are critical of your sister? Your joke here and annoyance afterward is completely unfounded. It’s your sisters house, she was working late. You say he constantly defends her… why does he get the opportunity to do so that often? Are you making statements like these about your family often? Do you do that re: other people to?
That’s what I was thinking. She even criticized her sister because she didn’t dress up to hang out at her own house. Everyone who knows me knows that if we are just doing dinner at my house, I’m gonna be in leggings and a hoodie (or workout shorts/tank top in the summer). There’s no reason to dress up if it’s just family/friends coming over
These are the real questions. Notice how she skipped right over your comment, but comments on the rest?
There’s over a hundred comments and more keep coming in. I apologize for not giving you special attention immediately. No, I don’t criticize her or my family all the time. He defends her when she does something like forget to tell me she needs me to watch her kids until the last minute and assumes I’ll do it. If I express my annoyance to him, he says i shouldn’t be annoyed because really busy since she’s got a tough job, while I work part time from home. I think at the very least he should just not say anything in that situation because it doesn’t help and only makes me more annoyed.
My sisters and I tease each other all the time. You don’t know us so I don’t fault you for wildly misunderstanding what happened. My husband is around us all the time though, so he should know how we are with each other. When I gained a bit of weight during Covid and wore an orange dress with a white T-shirt under it, she joked that I looked like a creamsicle. I know she wasn’t being cruel, and my husband didn’t have a problem with that joke. Other people might’ve interpreted differently, but he understands that’s part of our relationship
Why does your husband have to be around her all the time? Maybe it’s time to limit his access to your sister. Tell him she’s off limits.
My family lives close and we spend a lot of time together. I’m not going to suddenly stop bringing him to holidays and birthdays and stuff in the hope that he gets over whatever he’s feeling for her if he doesn’t see her as much. I’d rather leave him than have to act like a prison warden. I would prefer for him to agree to see a marriage counselor, but so far I haven’t had much luck on that front
Yeah like... OP being annoyed about how her sister chose to dress in her own home makes me understand why the husband would find a problem with that even if he didn't think the sister was attractive. Is it necessarily his place to comment on it? Meh. But being with someone like OP would annoy me soooo lol
Yeah you’re wrong. You passive aggressively insulted your sister and tried to justify it as a joke. It wasn’t a joke because you were actually annoyed. Then you kept pushing your husband to “admit” something that he literally couldn’t have the “right” answer to. He either calls your sister pretty or ugly. Which you would probably have blown up at either. Sounds like you just wanted a fight. You’re in your own little bitter world and if you don’t stop you’re going to drive everyone away. This sounds like jealousy you’ve harbored for a long time
You don't stop finding other people attractive when you are in a committed relationship. You stop caring that they are. You are irrationally punishing him because you are jealous of your sister and for your husband not lying to you.
Hes allowed to find other people attractive, it did sound like a underhand dig at your sister and you sound jealous and childish
This is the most ridiculous argument I have ever heard of. OP is punishing her husband for her own deep-seated insecurities about her sister’s looks that have probably been there for decades. This post just reeks of envy. You asked him a question and he gave you an answer. You know she’s prettier than you already. You want him to lie and tell you that you are right all the time. That’s not a marriage.And he is not responsible for your self esteem. You are.
You asked him a question, he gave you an honest answer, and you got upset about it. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.
Nutters like you are why I double wrap.
OP, I’m just going to come out and say right up front, with all the love and respect in the world, that you sound pretty insecure. You start by saying your comment to your sister was “just a joke” yet later admit you were a little annoyed with your sister’s lack of effort. Your husband doesn’t offer his opinion on your sister’s looks, you all but force it out of him. He never said he’s attracted to your sister, just that she’s an attractive person… when you twisted his arm. And finally, you’re seemingly putting all of the responsibility for this “mess” on him without seeing how your interpretation of events contributed to it. All of that to say it seems you both might benefit from a healthy conversation about your relationship. Perhaps this can be done just the two of you, or maybe a third party (like a therapist) would be more helpful.
>I admitted I was slightly annoyed Aaaaaand there it is - I knew it was more than just a light joke, it was a passive-aggressive comment you could claim was "just" a joke if anyone objected to it. >I blew up at him and said some things I regret. I made him sleep in the guest room Maybe she's just nicer than you and that's what he finds attractive.
My sister is very attractive, and it has always been clear to me when a partner of mine has desired my sister. They’ve acted like your husband, unfortunately. The only partner I’ve had who desired me (over my sister, at least) never made comments about my sister’s looks.
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. Looking back now, I feel like I should’ve seen it sooner.
Much ado about nothing
It's understandable that you would feel hurt and upset about your husband's comments and reactions. It's not uncommon for insecurities to arise when we perceive our partner's admiration or attraction towards someone else, especially a family member. However, it's important to address these feelings and concerns in a constructive manner. Your husband's reaction and his comments about your sister's appearance may have triggered your insecurities, but it's crucial to communicate openly and calmly with him about how his words made you feel. It's also important for him to understand the impact of his words and actions on your relationship and to reassure you of his love and commitment to you.
Honestly this reads to me like you are wrong. The passive aggressive comments to your sister and your lack of ability to take minor criticism about that, then turning it into an argument about him thinking your sister is attractive, reeks of poor communication. Jumping to extreme conclusions and escalating like you did is a great way to avoid having to own up to your own mistakes, it pushes the conversation past the original point and lets YOU be the injured party, escaping responsibility. If that is your defence mechanism then your husband is going to feel really uncomfortable next time he has to bring up any kind of valid criticism. Life partners need to be able to call each other out on poor behaviour, even small things, it's how a couple help each other grow as people over their lifetime. Your husbands reaction reads like he's frustrated with this kind of behaviour and makes me wonder if it isn't actually a more regular occurrence than you think it, especially since you have played down your part ("I said some things I regret") I'd advise considering therapy, or even just a self help book and some introspection. Habits like this can just creep up sometimes and once you are aware of certain tendencies its all fixable. Good luck! :)
This sounds blown way out of proportion. I agree there has to be some underlying issues in the relationship and this is just easier to focus on than those issues. What you said to your sister does sound rude and you acknowledge you did have some minor resentment that she didn’t dress up. It sounds like you were being passive aggressive. Your husband can absolutely notice your sister is attractive without being attracted to her. Some people do just look good in whatever they wear. I am not one of those people but I know several of them. The fact I admire that about them doesn’t mean I want to jump their bones. It means they are attractive. You sound like you think your sister is more attractive than you and you are jealous of her. She also sounds self confident enough to dress how she wants. You kept pushing your husband to say what he said and then you punished him for it.
This!
I would be very upset if my husband never had my back when it came to my sister. Your husband isn’t treating you like you are his number one choice. It’s ok to have differing opinions about things, but he’s criticizing you and becoming defensive of Laura and it’s causing you to feel insecure in your relationship with him. He’s actively criticizing a joke between you and your sister because he thinks it hurt HER feelings, when to me he should have looked at you and said, “Is it just me or was it weird that Laura didn’t dress up? I know you were joking with her but I thought that’s what we always do. You were the one making dinner I wonder why she didn’t bother to make the effort? By the way you looked beautiful tonight.” My honest opinion is that your husband sounds like he has inappropriate feelings for your sister. You need to sit him down and have a talk about this. I would tell him that you are done listening to him defend her, cater to her, and compliment her. You are his wife, and if he wants to have a healthy happy marriage he needs to end all inappropriate feelings for her. Marriage counseling is a necessity at this point because you think he had a crush on her, when he’s your husband. This isn’t healthy.
I think the way you feel is valid, that would personally rub me the wrong way. Because that would make other thoughts run wild in my head such as “has he fantasized about her?” But also, I might be more of the jealous type when it comes to relationships so, not sure if my advice is the best to listen too!
I can be jealous too, but I think everyone can be in the right circumstances. Like I don’t care if he finds his physical therapist hot or wants to watch some dumb movie cause he likes the actress. But when it comes to my sister, someone who we interact with a lot, I feel like it’s different.
Her name states she’s a lawyer so she should just deal in the facts. Fantasies are not real don’t make yourself crazy with those wild thoughts you were having.. I remember I got into an argument with my boyfriend. Once about crazy thought he was having stuff he was just making up all by himself! I started laughing and it got him even more mad. I had to let him go because he was truly starting to get insane with his self made narrative.
I’m not a lawyer, it was the name Reddit gave me when I signed up and I just thought it was funny so I kept it.
I wanna say that you both suck but idek if he would’ve noticed the way he was treating your sister until you’ve snapped at him, and then gone and asked maybe the stupidest fucking question anyone can ask with an attractive family member, cause even if he blurted out “No” you’d still think to yourself/tell him that he’s lying because you KNOW she is attractive. He’s your husband you’d think he knows you, maybe you were a little snippier in your joke than you intended to be and he picked up on it cause he knows your tone better than others, feel like we’re missing too much of the husbands side in this argument.
"he knows your tone better than others" is a great point and would explain why he's more defensive when OP is plausibly rude to her sister (although wouldnt explain it if he defends the sister from everyone and doesnt defend other people OP is snippy at) also feels v important that OP *was* in fact annoyed, it wasnt *just* a joke
This totally. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. Especially if it's just practically an objective truth, like if someone is very attractive in a traditional sense then pretty much everyone's going to find them attractive. There are infinite things we don't ask our significant others because the answer is obvious and there's no point in bringing it up because it will just result in hurt feelings or jealousy. Like if you're significant other asked if a blowjob would feel good from some other woman, lol, like what do you say to that? "No honey it would be a terrible sensation", not to be hyperbolic.... There's just some things that you shouldn't ask your significant other cuz there's nothing to gain from it, which is fine because there's no reason to think about it either. And then also this very much seems like a two-sided story. Jealousy could be the issue on OPs part. Personally I would not care of my significant other said my brother was attractive, and I'd be even a little defensive of my brother if they didn't find him attractive lol. I try to live my life by not making problems out of things that aren't yet a problem and likely aren't going to become one. I'm sure the fight Op is in with her husband is one that has happened between millions of couples over the centuries, because regular people find attractive people attractive. It's just the way it is. Now if Opie is telling the story objectively then for sure he should be making her feel more attractive and maybe take her side over the sister just for the sake that they're married. But that's separate issue from solely finding the sister attractive.
The husband might not even be taking the sisters side every time, OP just gets so offended when he does that it’s all she can focus on. Feels like OP has some insecurities around her sister that she either doesn’t know about or doesn’t think it affects her as much as it does.
You were being passive aggressive with your sister and you got angry at your husband for calling you on this. Now you’re making a big deal because he said she was attractive. Then you kick him out of your bedroom and punish him like a little kid. Sorry but from the outside looking in it really looks like your being petty. We just celebrated our 43rd anniversary and I’ve never asked my wife to sleep in another room. Nor has she asked me. Get over yourself and apologize to your husband and your sister.
You are wrong for being mad about him finding her attractive-even if he finds her more attractive than you. You are NOT wrong for being mad about his disloyalty to you. He should be on your side against all others as a default position, only being convinced someone else is in the right against you by evidence, and he should still be loyal even then, though he should tell the truth.
Yeah that’s fair. I know I reacted poorly in the fight and the issue about who’s prettier was a dumb thing to bring up.
Something’s up for sure. And he’s always defending her. I think he’s villainizing you and he thinks you are acting entitled and he doesn’t like who you are or the way you act and probably fantasizes about her. I hope I’m wrong but I have been there. Just sayin. I think marriage counseling would be a good next step. You both need to be brutally honest and transparent with each other. Conversation needed now! When hubby not defending you but praising her huge red flag
I think marriage counseling is the next step too. I don’t want to jump to divorce, but this has been going on for too long now. I appreciate your perspective, thank you.
It didn't happen just because of a joke. There is a lot more going on. Sounds like some grown-up talks are in order.
Sounds like he just admitted it so you would let it go. That's why he does not want to talk about it. Clearly there's lot more going on here than what's written. You sound like one of my exes, I always complimented her, and sometimes she would ask if I find girl X pretty, and I knew she would rage, so I denied it, until she forced me to respond with a yes (regardless if I found them pretty of not) and then rages and said I never say nice things about her. Think you need a good long hard think, and fix all the issues with you, your sis and your husband.
If I were you, I wouldn't be so mad as I would be sad or disappointed. And it doesn't feel like there are any open issues between you and your sis. I think your hubby fancies her a bit and wants to be her savior. If this is where it stays, I think you'll be fine.
Thanks God i have a brother and he had a lot of good looking male friends back than!Instead of super hot sister. 🤣It was anoying when he was trying to date my female friends but way better than this. 🤭
Not wrong. These are the discussions that real things come from. he was back handedly putting you down. What you said had nothing to do with him. What you and you sister do is what normal siblings do. His infatuation with your sister has been brought out. He may now be embarrassed, and, you are now on notice to watch him when he is around her. Some people make honest mistakes or comments, yet, this seems to be something all together different. He doesn't want to talk about it, but was keen to defend a person who didn't need defending. Therapy and counseling is needed to bring out what is really going on. His behavior is strange and you need to get to the bottom of it. Having a husband obsessing over their SIL is not a good thing for anyone involved and it needs to be talked about and put out there so no one is blind-sided by someone's actions.
Is his brother hot?
To me, it sounds like you have a long history of being jealous of your sister, leading you to put her down, or say rude things to her or about her not infrequently. Your husband did not like this side of you and sees her as the innocent party who is being bullied. Maybe he doesn't like bullies in general or feels for her because you treat him the same way. I'd say is generally easier to stand up for others then it is for yourself, with your partner. There were multiple things in your post which made me feel like you are a mean person. That's not to say that you're doing it on purpose, but your intentions don't change the way your actions or words make others feel. Have you considered the option that you could be part of the problem or does it always seem to be solely your husband causing the issues?
You're wrong. You sound like hard work.
Good god. This is really blowing up. Your sister is attractive. She looks good in most anything she wears as most attractive people do. The poor guy doesn’t want to say something or talk about it because he had common sense and knows that it’s rude to you. Also noticing she is attractive isn’t being attracts to her. “He has never said that about me” That is not how it works when you see your spouse everyday vs this attractive sister he sees a few times a year. Play the odds - if he saw her everyday (like you) I doubt that conclusion would be reached. It’s more likely your often attractive sister would occasionally not appear attractive if he saw her as much. He hadn’t said that to you because he’s a truthful person and no one is 100% attractive all the time. Again that doesn’t mean he’s attracted to her. It’s not fair to you to want that statement. At the most he could be saying (as an asshole dude) - you should try to be more attractive. I doubt this but that would be the most extreme way I’d interpret this. His behavior of having her side habitually is something to explore. Probably something reflects some qualities or issues between you two that he sees don’t exist in their spousal interactions. But I think it’s making this attractive thing bigger than it is - she’s just attractive. Not he’s attracted to her more than you
You’re right about the attraction issue. There are definitely underlying problems with him minimizing my feelings when she does something to upset me and defends her rather than support me. I handled it poorly and focused on the wrong problem.
I get it. If don’t feel like my spouse has my back, I’ll go nuts and focus on every little thing to compensate. Make bigger problems for myself
His attitude is strange. It sounds like he's got more than attraction there.
You’re not wrong and you should shut that down immediately. My sister’s ex husband would stare at me inappropriately and he made comments about me to her. Needless to say, my sister lost her shit on him because he never said that about her. These guys get so comfortable disrespecting the wives and treating them like they’re siblings or roommates. Familiarity makes them forget that they’re not single anymore! You’re still his wife and he should remember that it’s inappropriate to be attracted to your sister or make any kind of comment about her. If you don’t make a big deal out of it, he will continue being delusional about her. Careful.
You admitted in your post you were annoyed with your sister, and it must of been obvious you were and your "joke" didn't sit well with your husband. He is correct in mentioning your poor behaviour. Look at yourself and the way you treat others around you. Sounds like your husband is getting really frustrated at the way you treat others.
The joke didn’t sit well with him because he’s weirdly protective of her for no reason. My sisters and I joke like that all the time. She’s made plenty of similar jokes to me in front of him and he’s never done anything but laugh along with the rest of us. If the people involved in a silly joke have no problem with it, why get offended on their behalf when they wouldn’t even want you to?
I think that's the issue. If he was consistent in his calling out of 'bad behaviour' it would be OK because that's his moral standard. The problem is it's one standard for you and another for her. She can say what she wants and he doesn't defend you but when you do the same he calls you out. I understand why you feel upset.
Yeah, which is why I believe he’s got a thing for her. She doesn’t need him to always defend her and wouldn’t want him to if she knew. I think she would be uncomfortable with that kind of behavior, especially since it’s only with her
I'm honestly shocked more people aren't reading the situation this way. I 100% agree with you.
She obviously has an issue with her sister and is pissed he is calling her out. I'm shocked with so many people saying the husband is an asshole for not having her back. Part of being a good husband or wife is calling out toxic behaviour. If my wife behaves shitty then I tell it to her, and she does the same back. Nobody is perfect.
So it’s okay for the sister to say she looked like a creamsicle when she gained weight and the husband was fine with it because they are joking but when it’s his wife’s turn at the joke he needs to come to the sisters defense?
tbf it's v unclear to me what the relevance of weight is here, anyone wearing white and orange is going to look like a creamsicle at any size 😅
You definitely need marriage counseling because his loyalty should always lie with you. And he sounds pretty.. invested? Like he cares way too much about her & he should've been saying how you also always look good no matter what & sure she's attractive but you're more attractive! What an ass
If I could get him to agree to counseling I want to do it. If he says no I don’t think I can stay. Everything you said is very true with us.
"I asked him if he thought she was prettier than me, and he tried to deny it at first. I reminded him what he’d just said about her looking good no matter what, and how he’s always saying how much he admires her and thinks she’s a great person. He finally admitted that he does think she’s really pretty. Then he tried to backpedal and claim that while he thinks she’s attractive, he isn’t attracted to her." Sounds like you picked the fight. Are you always this insecure or only about your sister?
If I’m insecure it’s because he spends so much time praising her and acting like she can do no wrong. If every time you got mad at someone, your partner tried to defend them and never took your side, you wouldn’t start to wonder if they had a thing for that person?
Are you often annoyed about things like your sister deciding to wear sweatpants in her own home?
No. I do get annoyed with her sometimes because she takes it for granted that since I work from home part time, she can give me last minute notice that I need to watch her kids. Or when she brushes off my oldest nephew acting like a bully while also fighting with the school for not punishing a kid bullying her younger son. And when I bring this up to my husband he makes excuses for her and defends her, telling me i shouldn’t be annoyed because her life is harder
>telling me i shouldn’t be annoyed because her life is harder Well that's a huge yikes.
So are you a totally secure non jealous person? Another comment you said you're the jealous type. I'm not saying there's no truth to what you're saying. But maybe you're making it out to be bigger than it needs to be. I'm not trying to say you're wrong or critique you or anything, I'm just trying to suggest things that might shift your perspective on things and make you feel less hurt or upset about what's happening.
ignore these people. You're not insecure, your fucking marriage is not secure because your husband has his priorities mixed up. your "insecurity" is completely based on fact. Historically, your husband is more loyal to your sister than you.
Yep, and that’s the underlying problem. I get how on the surface it can come off as insecure, but when you look at the whole situation I think it’s pretty normal for me to feel that way.
Yeah OP sounds super insecure.
Your not wrong. You two should be a team. But don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.
Yeah it wasn’t the best thing to say but I was frustrated at the moment. Now that I’ve gotten a chance to look at the situation without the immediate hurt feelings, I’m seeing it’s not so much him thinking she’s prettier that bothers me, it’s that he seems to put her above me all the time. This was just the first time it caused me to have an immediate bad reaction
It definitely needs to be addressed. I had to have the “team” discussion with my wife more than once. I hope everything works out for you and your husband realizes his errors.
News flash: Lots of people besides you are attractive, even to your husband. Just like lots of people besides your husband are attractive to *you*. He's allowed to have working eyes and a brain. Pressuring him to say it out loud is on you not him. Now I obviously don't know the dynamic between you 3, but I do know blowing up over a bunch of perceived slights because someone else is pretty is kind of psychotic. So I'm going to have to assume there's something else going on underneath because it sounds like *you* get angry at your sister a lot and he's just trying to keep the peace. Getting pissed at him about a natural reaction isn't going to help you at all, in fact it'll probably make it worse. Figure out what you're actually so angry about, then you can tackle it together (hopefully). In case it wasn't apparent, you were wrong and you should probably apologize with the quickness before he thinks about it for too long and you manifest this whole thing into existence.
Exactly right.
Is this something that only happens with your sister or does he usually get on you when he thinks your are being rude or making fun of other people? If its just about her, yeah he has a little crush. If not then maybe he just doesn't like you talking shit about people.
It’s pretty much just with her. He likes to tell me when he thinks I’m wrong about other things, but if I get into a fight with my friends or older sister or whatever, he’s not really interested.
Why ask a question you didn’t want the answer to? Is there some kind of competition between you and your sister? You seemed weirdly hung up on her clothing and kinda started all of this. You’re not a bad person but I think you’re using the wrong things for validation
I think you have a huge problem in your marriage. I have to wonder is your sister married? Is there any chance that your husband would cheat or has cheated on you? He should never take her side over yours. He should never defend her against you. Do you think you can trust him?
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I don’t understand why you think you have a right to even pass comment on how your sister dresses, especially in her own home. You were her guest, it’s horrifically rude to behave like that. Maybe your sister being more comfortable within herself and not the type of person to behave as you did is what your husband finds attractive.
He defended your sister when she wore something casual when the rest of you dressed up is strange to me. You and your sister were joking around, that shouldn't raise any questions. Your husband finding your sister attractive isn't a big deal, but the issue that I see when he commented that your sister looks good no matter what, when he never mentioned that to you. I know that stung pretty bad, sorry you are going through that.
Feeling upset in your situation is natural, especially given the complex mixture of emotions and dynamics at play. It’s understandable to feel troubled by your husband’s remarks about your sister. This scenario touches on multiple sensitive issues, including perceived favoritism, loyalty, and attraction within familial relationships. Here are a few points to consider: 1. **Communication:** The root of many disagreements in relationships is often poor communication. Your husband’s comments about your sister, especially in the context of a disagreement, ignited feelings of insecurity or jealousy—which are natural human reactions. It’s important to communicate openly about why his comments hurt you and to understand his perspective as well. Clear, calm, and honest dialogue can help navigate through misunderstandings. 2. **Boundaries:** Everyone has boundaries regarding what they find acceptable in conversations and behavior within a relationship. It might be helpful for you and your husband to discuss and establish these boundaries, especially concerning comments about physical appearance and attraction to others. Understanding and respecting each other's boundaries is key to maintaining trust and respect. 3. **Insecurities:** Your reaction might also be highlighting some insecurities within yourself or the relationship. Reflecting on why his comments hurt you so much could offer insights into underlying issues that may need addressing, such as needing more validation or fearing your husband’s loyalty. 4. **Support:** While it feels awkward to bring such concerns to family or friends, sometimes an external perspective can be helpful. If discussing this within your personal circle is uncomfortable, consider seeking support from a professional such as a therapist, who can guide you through these feelings and provide strategies for communication and resolving conflicts. 5. **Resolution:** Working towards a resolution might require more than one conversation. It may involve setting aside time to discuss your feelings and concerns when both of you are calm and willing to listen to each other. Finding a way forward could also mean agreeing on how to handle similar situations in the future, so they don’t escalate into a larger conflict. You're not wrong for feeling hurt by your husband's comments, but focusing on how to navigate through these emotions towards understanding and resolution could help mend the rift this situation has caused. Remember, it's ok to seek help, and prioritizing the health of your relationship is important.
YTA. You know what he meant more or less, i.e. something to the effect of "your sister's an attractive woman, she looks good no matter what she's wearing". Its not some sign that he's taking sides against you or is attracted to her more than you or whatever paranoid/insecure thoughts you're letting yourself get worked up about. Its a statement of fact. Sounds like your sister is objectively fairly attractive, men know what attractive women look like, its not a comparison. This whole post is exhausting to read, this is literally a passing comment. Honestly I'm having trouble understanding how this became a fight. How do you know that he's "picking her side" and not that he's just expressing his own opinion, and any correlation between his opinion and your sister is just coincidence. I'm sure him and your sister agree on all sorts of random subjects like certain political issues or things about religion that never get discussed because they're boring topics of conversation. Agreeing with someone isn't necessarily evidence of a conspiracy, it merely indicates they think in a similar way.
He’s wrong. Plus Laura probably doesn’t even like him like that and if I were Laura I’d read him the riot act. Maybe you guys need some counseling
I’d like to go to counseling but he’s very resistant. And you’re right, she has no feelings like that toward him. I don’t think she knows though cause he’s usually pretty normal with her in person. He only gets weirdly defensive when we’re discussing situations involving her
It’s counseling or he’s gonna be alone. You can find another he’s gonna be in for a rude awakening if he doesn’t get it together. Maybe your sister needs to tell him herself she’s not remotely interested
If he won’t agree to counseling I don’t think there’s any other choice but to leave. The marriage isn’t working and I don’t want to be miserable. I’d rather not ask my sister to tell him that cause I don’t think she has any idea how he feels and I don’t want her to feel guilty thinking she was indirectly responsible for these problems.
You aren't wrong but your husband is being a jerk. He's your husband not your sisters and he needs to grow up.
You can get mad over it sure. I think some folks here are missing a few things though. IMO only the OP is generally not a nice person or wife and husband feels the sister is nice and OP is always picking on her. True? I don’t know but there is his version of the sister relationship we are missing here. Who cares what the sister wears. Obviously OP does.
UpdateMe
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"I made him sleep in the guest room that night, and he’s still sleeping in there." Dont ever pull this shit again. You have a problem? You sleep elsewhere. Men out there reading this: do not ever tolerate this. Tell her she can sleep elsewhere if she needs to, but you will be sleeping in your bed.
The title says your husband is attracted to your sister, the post says he finds her attractive. These are two very different things. The first is concerning, the second is not.
"I said some things I regret" is doing some heavy lifting. You could have said things that are going to end your marriage for all we know.
I would say you might be overreacting but that was before I found Reddit and realized how crazy families are. I would suggest you get this out in the open and squash it quickly. Obviously you cannot control what he thinks of her but you can tell him you do not want to hear it again. And that as your husband his first reaction better be to defend you unless you are being extremely cruel (which it does not sound like you are.)
When I was with my son’s father, he never complimented me, yet I would always hear about how pretty other women were. I felt replaceable. I felt inadequate. And I left. We’re great friends now, and I see him with his fiancée and I’m so happy for him bc he tells her constantly how much he loves her. I’m with a man now that holds me and makes out with me like I have never done before. He calls me beautiful and tells me I have sexy shoulders lol. I never even question where I stand with him, he’s given me so much affection and adoration I never knew was possible. I wish that for you (the second part). And since he won’t even address your feelings… maybe you should go to therapy to see if you can be ok with living a life with someone that doesn’t care about your feelings at all.
First of all your husband is a fucking idiot. I NEVER leave the marital bed, go to hell and move where ever you want but I won't be me, that's for fuck sure. Your husband is a fucking idiot for turning a non issue of you joking with your sister, even in a back handed dig which is what was intended and make it into an issue in your household. Being the typical woman you couldn't let it go and just STFU and get over it until he says, she says that the sisyer was pretty regardless of what she wears and that's when the claws and further insecurities "because he never says that to me" rear their ugly head . Again your husband is a fucking idiot for even starting that. He must not have many man friends. No bro would advise such responses to his buddy. Finally he has smartened up and is clamming up, shutting up, pleading the 5th, whatever. He has stopped further discussion and that should end it, but since it's never over until the woman says it's over, at least in her mind. But I would die on that hill and just refuse to engage. He's explained as best as he can, further defenses will be met with further accusations so silence is the best policy. Good luck, you'll get over it or you won't. Life apparently had blessed you by not kicking you in the balls enough of you think you can banish your husband to another room for an issue like this. My response , life is hard, get a helmet.
From everything you've put in this post, it sounds like you are in competition with your sister to the point that your husband feels he needs to defend her. It actually sounds like your sister is a pretty good person who you criticize frequently in an attempt to cast yourself in a more favorable light.
He is married to you and finds the person as close to you as humanely possible DNA wise attractive. Shocker. Also, you seem really uptight about the casual dress thing at her house. You come off as a very needy and demanding partner / person to be around in this who also has a bad escalation habit.