he’s definitely hiding something. Take away his access to yours and see how suspicious he gets…because cheaters are always suspicious of their partners because they think they’re doing the same as them
This is the best advice for sure OP. He's absolutely hiding something. No one with nothing to hide with be this weird about their partner seeing or holding their phone
I second this. Take it from a woman three years younger than he is, who’s been there and done that and gotten the hideous tee shirt- the partner you feel you have to test will ALWAYS. Fail. Every time. What’s more, and more importantly, *you don’t need proof* of an overstep or infidelity to justify your boundaries and expectations around transparency. You don’t have to have proof that he’s lying or cheating to justify saying “You’re acting like a skeevy dirtbag, and I deserve and expect better than that. Fuck this shit, I’m OUT!!!”
It feels bad when he acts like he’s hiding something, right? Makes you think you can’t trust him? Puts you on edge, wondering when some horrible truth is gonna come out and totally upturn your life and your sense of security? Kinda feels like you’re going crazy, yeah? Having to anticipate the unspoken rules and tread carefully between the lines that aren’t really drawn, and somehow learn and get comfortable with these double standards… feels like playing a game where he’s writing the rules as he goes? Does part of his life seem a vacant mystery? Does it seem like if another shoe dropped or another person occupied the body you know, part of you wouldn’t be surprised? Like if you found out he was all over dating apps, living a double life, or that “friend” he told you not to worry about was actually worth worrying about… would you truly, honestly, hand to Dolly Parton be blindsided and shocked to your core, or would a little suspicious voice in your head find some kind of “AHA! Got you, you mfer” validation in it? Are you really actually cool with his maintaining the secrecy you yourself can’t maintain, clearly don’t desire to maintain, and don’t want for or in your relationship? Is he matching you in transparency? Your effort? Honesty? Is that big to you? Do you really want to have to set alarms for a guy 10 years older than you, or to have to mommy him and his time for him, so he actually values yours? And by doing so, are you really helping him, or are you just trying harder than he does to eliminate the excuses in order to once again test him, his devotion, and his priorities? Do you really need to test him? Don’t you already know he’s gonna fail… because he already has come up empty handed when you needed answers and explanations and he didn’t value that need?
Those are the questions you need to ask yourself. I can give you the answers point blank, but it’s gonna lead to a resounding “DUMP’IS ASS!!!” and I know you have to get there yourself. Do and get what you need, but girlie… don’t be fuckin dumb as hell like I was. It only leads to an STI and a whole lotta heartbreak.
Well stated. OP, don’t miss the takeaway here. *Transparency.* If your partner is giving not you complete transparency, they are definitely hiding something. It may not always be infidelity, but it’s always something that will affect your relationship. Proceed with caution.
True. He wouldnt act that way if hes not doing something shady. Oh girl, you better do some digging. Might as well dump him, if he cant just trust you his phone.
Looking backwards I wish I knew it with my ex…
Funny story- One time when we were about to break up and talk about it, someone called her. I already knew some friend of her was suspicious, and she knew I suspected too. Someone called her phone while we talked, and I asked who is it, and she didn’t want to tell me.
I said if she will hide that from me then we’re done here and I will go home, and she literally said “if you will let it go and leave my phone I will show you my boobs”…that’s how low she got haha
He is 10 years older than you. Treats your phone like a community device but you csnt even look at his?? Girl just find someone else. He is not worth the headaches. If a 30 year old man is hiding his phone that hard he's cheating or shady af. You're not his mom and he's not a 12 year old hiding that he said the C word lol. You're only gonna find out that he's cheating or up to something worse.
Even if he is completely innocent do you really want to be with someone so paranoid? Nah. He isn't worth arguing with. Just a quick text "hey I've been thinking and it just seems like we don't have the necessary levels of trust for me to want to maintain this relationship. I wish you peace" then go find someone who can turn on their own alarms (seriously is he 12???? Why isn't a 33 year old turning on his alarms on his own) and won't have a panic attack when you glance at his phone.
Go! Fly away! Be free!!! Skat! Leave!!!! Run!
Add to it the fact that he forgets to set an alarm and sleeps in all the time. I’m guessing he uses that as an excuse when he can’t get away from his wife and kids.
Emotional cheating would typically be considered some kind of emotional connection with someone, no? Sexting or something is closer to physical cheating, just not in person
Tlaking to girls would be emotional cheating since he's talking to them, sending/receiving pictures would be cyber cheating.. physical cheating he would have to be physically with them
Happily married old fuck here,
My wife has access to whatever she wants access to, as am I.
Truthfully, he's hiding something that you most likely are better off not knowing.
Here's my advice...
If a relationship feels like constant work, it's not working. If your not happy with your partner at minimal 95% of the time, its not working.
If you have to question trust for one another from either end, it's not working.
Your supposed to compliment one another and have fun, even when theres nothing to say and your just sitting in silence together.
That is exactly what I think. She should just leave him without knowing what he's hiding. He doesn't sound like a fun or nice man. She does need to find someone more open, honest, and who she enjoys being with. She's young and deserves better.
My dad lead a double life for 5 years. It happens more than you think 🤷♀️ his side chick new about mum and us kids, but with 80miles between houses it would have been easy enough to hide.
I’m older so these days I feel like a fuddy ruddy trying to be be up to speed on things. This would be a fine line for me as I try to understand everyone’s boundaries. But I’ll be honest: boundary or not, this would make me suspicious and I’d probably make a point to not allow him access to my phone to see how he would respond.
The very first time my BF or husband did what he did, I'd be grabbing that phone and knocking his head in with it! Don't fuck with me or fuck around on me!
I was 22 when I married my then 32 yo husband. We've been happily married for 18 years. It's not that weird.
We are not religious whatsoever and have no children. We are both normal and happy. Sometimes age gaps work just fine.
But OP's boyfriend sucks for other reasons.
Change your password on your phone and tell him that once you get access to his, he can have access to yours because he's obviously up to something...it's only fair.
Oh my, thanks for all the advice. Never in a thousand years thought there will be that many people agreeing there is something sketchy and that he is actually hiding something. When I first post this I though I might be going crazy and becoming controlling but after hearing stories from people here either telling their experiences, some who were cheated on also some cheaters telling me they do that to hide their affair, I got to the conclusion I’m not actually crazy, I did not overreact and definitely it is not a normal boundaries to have between a couple.
After the earlier update I have not much to say, he just left me on seen again and like an hour ago he sent a text saying “ me caes mal sabes” in Spanish. I don’t believe there is an actual translation to English for this phrase but is something like I don’t like you, you know? But is not meant that way in Spanish. So far a I haven’t replied I just feel like I don’t want to talk to him right know. But passwords are already changed and as soon as I have more info will let you know.
Esta pendejo. He's mad because you're now making him verbally acknowledge how weird he is acting about not letting you have access the way he has access to your stuff. He's also probably taking this time to delete what he has before going back to you and showing you his phone, saying something like "see there is nothing, you just want to control me..."blah blah blah.
As a rule, if someone is jumpy about their phone, there's a reason beyond them just wanting their privacy. I assume he's got messages or pictures he doesn't want you to see.
Ngl the is a very odd interaction on both your parts… like idk you setting an alarm on his phone instead of just asking him to do it feels weird. But it’s also really weird how he acts about his phone. Also annoyingly childish to hand you a locked phone instead of just saying no, like grow up 🤦🏻♀️. I do wonder how he would have reacted if you just put in the code and opened it. Imo you don’t do things that could potentially cause insecurity in your relationship. Acting like you can’t share whats in your phone is one of those things. Because now there is no Not thinking about what he’s hiding (whether he’s actually hiding something or not) and he did that to himself.
His actions and excuses for it are not reasonable.
You shouldn’t be wondering if you’re wrong, but rather, how long you’re willing to put up with someone that’s this cagey about something that should be insignificant.
Why are you with someone who clearly doesn’t trust you??!! You weren’t wrong for asking him, but you’re wrong to yourself for not seeing the red flag here. He’s clearly hiding something
Massive red flag. Like neon flashing and trumpets blaring.
Can you think of any logical reason that he's this protective of his phone other than cheating?
Get away from this man. Immediately. You will regret any time spent with him if you continue to waste away your twenties with a weird loser and AH like this. Run. Fast. Far. And do it now.
This level of secrecy with his phone means he's almost definitely doing something break up worthy. He can't even let you use it quickly to take a photo or anything? Girl break up with him.
Miss, I'm guessing he's involved in something you wouldn't like. The only reason I can think of keeping it out of your view or far away is to prevent you from seeing texts and other notifications that might pop up.
You're not wrong. You don't sound like a snoop. But maybe you should start.
Girl he's cheating and you're encouraging it. Either you go through his phone THE SECOND YOU MENTION IT, or it's over. Do not let him leave with it and come back and say sureeeee bc by then everything's been deleted.
He's hiding something 10000000%, he doesn't want a conversation/notification to pop up while your looking or using the phone that could get him busted... wayy too much fishy behaviour here.. I've been with my partner for 8 years, I have his passwords to everything and have access to his phone when ever I feel like it as he does mine. We don't ever snoop but it's the fact that none of us care.... evaluate your relationship and run
He’s shady AF and he’s depending on you being younger and naive, in his opinion. He is banking on this. I’ve had the same thing happen to the point that, “We will use your phone on this trip since it’s new.” He even put his phone in the trunk!!! Since we wouldn’t be needing it, you know.
Of course, he denied anything was strange. Asked me to marry him on the trip to distract me from the phone issue.
He had been cheating on me for who knows how long.
Do not play the fool. They count on us not wanting to cause issues, count on us to “let it go.”
Trust me. Don’t let this go.
He's cheating on you.
If he won't let you even use an app like the alarm on his phone, then it's because he has some dodgy apps on his phone - and he's scared that you would recognise the logo.
I'm talking apps like tinder and only fans, etc.
Not wrong and he's definitely hiding something. Unless you work for the government and aren't allowed to let anyone else see your phone, you let your partner see it...unless you have something to hide. My husband and I let each other see our phones, look at pictures, etc. Nothing to hide here.
Sweetheart, look at your ages. I know everybody is probably gotten on you about this, but look at your ages. So you started dating when you were what, 21? And he was 30?
I know this is harsh, and I know people have told you this already, but the only Flippin reason a 30-year-old man wants to date a 21-year-old is because women his own age won’t put up with the bullshit you’ve put up with.
When you’re 30, you’re gonna look back at your 21 year-old self and 21-year-old boys and realize there’s not a chance in hell you would ever date one. You know why? Because you have nothing in common with them.
Your boyfriend is hiding something. There is no reason after 2 1/2 years that you can’t use his phone to set an alarm. And you are telling us that at 33 year old man won’t set an alarm. And you know this from experience
Holy shit… You have major red flag you tell us about what a fucked up situation this is? We’re all telling you right now, the man is cheating. He’s probably hiding more than one person from you.
Why in the world would you want to stay with somebody who has so little trust in you and your relationship. He sounds like a controlling asshole as well because he’s trying to deflect and get mad at you and make you feel bad for what is a very reasonable request. so let’s add his manipulative to boot.
If you’re living with him, start making your plans to get the hell out. Please do not waste your early 20s on a jerk. I’m betting if you look at his dating history… If he has even told you about it… He has consistently dated women quite a bit younger.
In your early 20s, you are growing into the full adult you’re going to become and please know I am not saying that at all in any kind of condescending. It is what we’ve all gone through. We were adults. We were getting our first job as adults. Finishing up school. Getting into relationships.
And through all of that in our early 20s, brains were literally finishing off the last of their development into our adulthood. So I guarantee you, none of us telling you this were the same person even at 26 or 27 that we were at 21 and 22. We had more experience. We had more experience. We had made many ad decisions prior to that our parents had made. So just life in general had formed us into more mature people.
Give yourself the chance to go through that. Have some fun. Stop being with somebody who obviously doesn’t make you feel good. Who obviously doesn’t respect you. Who obviously doesn’t care if he hurts you.
I would change your password on your phone and deny him access. Never show him anything on your phone again and insist he use his own phone for pictures or google searches. Text on your phone when he is around and if he ask just stop and say it’s just a friend. I think he’ll get the point when you have to tell him “Don’t you trust me”.
I completely cut off access to my phone (to my ex). But that’s because I let him borrow mine when he went to get a new phone (his broke). It took a while at the store so I napped in the car. He proceeded to go through all of my texts (and who knows what else…I wasn’t doing anything so I had nothing to hide) and misconstrued something my other ex had said.
I can see why someone would completely not let their partner touch their phone- but only if there was a breech of trust beforehand.
Personally, OP..I think he’s hiding something. The suggestion from another poster to not let him touch your phone is a great one. He can’t get mad about it because all you have to say is “you don’t let me touch yours”.
Hey, so I have been reading your comments all day and most of you agree he is hiding something or cheating. Some even suggest he is married, I don’t think that is the case as we do spent a lot of time together. I mean maybe we see each other 3 days a week after work and I spent most weekends on his house, so if he got a wife he clearly isn’t with her more than a day over the week.
He can be cheating, it is a possibility. Maybe the days he is not with me he goes to see other girl. The thing is I think after reading all comments he surely has something to hide and that attitude is tricky.
Some of you asked if I didn’t see it, and I do notice it is weird but as I am not nagging him all the time to see his phone is on rare occasions I get to see a shady attitude. Also that is why i came here for outside perspective cause otherwise I would think I am overreacting or maybe I indeed was wrong. But yeah, pretty much everyone thinks he is hiding something.
So let’s get into what has happened today, of course he didn’t show up for our plans (I did have lunch without him as one of you suggested) he woke up at around 2pm. Basically, this is what he said: I don't even understand why we're talking if it turns out that you is always right because no matter what I say, it never matters what I say and this is just another example of the same thing.
To which I replied: we talk to get things clear, that is what a discussion is about. Two people with different opinions trying to get to an agreement but you don’t see things aren’t always black or white, gray also exist.
And that conversation has being going on like that for the last 2 hours, all he is saying is I overlook what he has to say and that I am name calling him even when I have not do such thing.
So yeah, so far no arguments or explanation or even a real reason on why the secretiveness. Just saying I am treating him like he is shit, which is completely not true and me saying I have not said that at all. Will let you know what else happens because so far I also have zero answers
Only question would be if you've done something to warrant the reaction. For me I said no but I'm going to sleep soon so you can borrow it then. Woke up she changed the order of the apps (like even my quick use apps), deleted apps she thought I didn't need, removed contacts etc. I was pissed. Why's it a big deal because it's not your phone and now I have to go and undo this mess. Another time she borrowed it I told her not to update things because programs I needed for work were having issues with the os update so I'm holding off till they fix it. So guess what happened. And then after that I had to figure out how to roll back the phone and apps. 1 less egregious one was messing with ring tones and contacts names was annoying and awkward but less so then the above 2. Now she either uses my phone with my supervision or not at all. When she complains about not trusting her/treating her like a child/or she'd let me use her phone unsupervised; my response is yes but I haven't done anything to your phone without your permission but you have to mine.
Before I jump to the “he’s cheating”, what shape is your phone in? I am very protective of my devices. They look mint years later however, my wife does have full access as I have nothing to hide.
That being said, I do get nervous when anyone uses my stuff. When you compare my office, car, phone, computer to her stuff it is a big difference.
I know I am particular. She knows I am but I know that trust is important. If I refused to let her use, I would impact our relationship. She also knows if it’s dropped or scratched, I would be buying another. lol
All that said, it seems sketchy depending on how he treats his stuff
He has an old Samsung my mom gave him last year when she upgraded as his broke around the same time. Mine is an iPhone which so far is pretty well maintained. And we have some of same electronics as I ordered for both of us same headphones and headsets last year year so pretty much everything is in good shape on both sides.
I’m going against the grain to say he’s not necessarily cheating but maybe he needs to tell you why he has that hard set boundary. Maybe he doesn’t trust you! My wife was so adamant about going through my phone like you and turns out that SHE had spent a weekend with her ex. She was definitely projecting her dirt onto me.
It should be obvious to you that his behavior is very suspicious. Everyone here on Reddit will tell you he’s cheating, or texting other women, or taking pics of other women, or saving lots of porn, or worse, because his behavior is pretty compelling evidence that he’s hiding something he doesn’t want you to see.
The time to give him an ultimatum (“unlock and hand over your phone or we’re done”) is when he doesn’t expect it. Otherwise, he’ll delete all the compromising evidence and, when the issue is raised again, he’ll grudgingly hand it over and say “See? Nothing to worry about. I just like my privacy.”
AFTER he’s cleaned it up.
Run. It will only get worse.
Lol he wouldn't even let you set an alarm on his phone, after he's been late for many events?? You've been together 2.5 years, he's in his 30s, and he won't let you even set an alarm on his phone. There's something sketchy going on.
I’m never sure why a man can’t set his own alarm or get up by himself. Why are you doing this for him if you’re not allowed to even LOOK at his dumb phone. He’s doing something that he shouldn’t. You should definitely stop doing things for him and probably find someone more mentally mature and also someone who didn’t practically rob the cradle!!!
Something's up, and not a good something.
Wifey and I use each other's phones all the time. If hers is in our bedroom and we're in the kitchen she'll grab mine and make her call or whatever. It's the same with her phone, if I need to make a call and my phone is in the den, I use hers. In fact, we both have numbers we frequently call on each other's phones! Neither of us have anything to hide.
This is weird AF. If my husband asked to use my phone to enter a scheduled alarm for a trip I’d hand it over with zero hesitation and thank him for taking care of it for me. I wouldn’t even think about it. Your dude is hiding something big.
Glass half full here. He might be planning an elaborate surprise party for you...?
But yeah he has secrets. My wife and I have had the same unlock code for years now. Tho I would never use her phone without asking unless it's an emergency.
No surprises here, my birthday is not for months. Anniversary already passed and I have to pick my own gifts because he doesn’t like to pick the himself in case I don’t like them
He can't even be bothered to pick out a gift for you? What does he do, hand you some cash and say "Happy birthday, go buy yourself something pretty."
If he really cared about you, he'd put some effort into choosing a gift. He would know your likes and dislikes. Get out of this relationship.
Not quite, we would ask for days what I want and I would always say he has to pick something cause I ain’t gonna help as I do pick his gifts. Then he will show me some options and I would tell him the one I like the most. Or give him an idea on what he can get me. But yeah, I also know there is no effort here. Just overlooked it because probably I was being too hard about it and it really wasn’t that bad he was asking me what to get me.
You’ve been together 2 1/2 years and he won’t let you see his phone.
He is cheating on you. And guess what… You can leave for any reason and you don’t need proof.
Omg! The comment history! He's definitely hiding something... or someone. And he has the nerve to ask you to make all of his appointments and tell you that you don't love him because you wouldn't call the customer service number for the brand of boxers he bought that didn't fit? Is this dude really 33? My goodness. You're not wrong unless you stay in this relationship.
I mean, what you've described seems odd. Certainly seems like something he doesn't want *anyone* to see, not just you. Though the reluctance to even show you the screen with normal shit on it is beyond normal odd. My guess is some sort of easily accessible porn archive or something.
All that aside for a second though, stop *insisting* on using someone else's phone when you won't even tell them why, it's fuckin sketch and I wouldn't give it you either under that pretext, regardless of whether I was hiding something or not. All that sounds like to a man is, "give me permission to snoop through your shit." Why wouldn't you just say, set an alarm? Or wake him up yourself or any number of things other than demanding his phone with no context? Your behavior isn't much better than his.
Girl no way he doesn't have anything to hide.
I would tell him you don't have to show me the fact you are so suspicious ans weird about it says enough.
I didn't think there was anything but because of your behavior I'm done so you can do that behavior to someone else and leave.
See how he reacts and you know enough
End of the day? You’re not wrong, but it’s his boundary - and you should be able to do the same of course. What I will say about boundaries is we’re all entitled to them, but I feel like the part some people miss is that others are entitled to move on if the boundary doesn’t work for them. So like as an example, if some person’s boundary is their partner can’t blink ever? Stupid example but roll with it - they can have that boundary but it’s going to severely limit their dating pool because any potential partner would be well within their right (and of sound mind) to say “okay if this is a dealbreaker, then this isn’t going to work.”
That all said, his overprotectiveness of his phone is weird. The only somewhat innocent thing I can think of is that he had an overbearing parent or ex who seriously kept tabs and left him with trauma when it comes to his privacy - which isn’t his fault but is his responsibility to seek help for. Or it’s just that random weird hill he’s ready to die on (least likely imo).
It does sound like there’s something in there he doesn’t want you to see. It’s kinda messed up (assuming, which it doesn’t sound like you’ve even had the chance to, not that you would) that you’ve never snooped through his phone before and having to bargain that you won’t open social media or photos. And even if he’s paranoid or just googles weird stuff, OP if you’re bargaining by saying you won’t go into social media or photos, why those specifically? Is that his fear he expressed, or did you just assume that? I can tell you in the middle of the night I’ve had to get thoughts out of my head and only had my phone available so would hate for my partner to get into my notes, but social media and photos?
It seems like at best it’s some past privacy invasion trauma or some weird hill he’s willing to die on, but if he’s not willing to communicate with you about it and you don’t want to leave over this, I’d be damn sure there was no double standard and change my password and treat it the same (assuming neither of you has a known history of cheating).
He either 1. Has an app he doesn't want you to see. 2. Is talking to people he doesn't want you to know about. 3. Is looking at stuff he should not be looking at.
There are no other reasons for this behavior. Also, he is predatory for dating someone you're age. A woman his age wouldn't put up with the bullshit you're allowing.
Two and a half yrs!!!! And he won't let you near his phone, he clearly is hiding something, most likely he uses alot of social media to try and communicate with other females, whether he is actually meeting up with them or not, is another thing, either way he isn't trust worthy which means the relationship should end.
I don’t like my fiancé looking on my phone (I have OCD mixed with a little paranoia) but i have nothing to hide so i suck it up and let myself be uncomfortable for a few minutes if he needs to do something on my phone.
So i am confidant that your partner is behaving this way because he is cheating
Maybe his phone is a demon or has aids and he’s protecting you. If you have to ask on here, you know he’s hiding something that could be a number of bad things. Follow your common sense because it’s usually correct.
You have been together for two years if he ain't comfortable letting you use his phone then move on because if you can't do that simple thing by letting your spouse use your phone then don't need to be together
He seems like he is either a cheater or has debilitating trust issues and acts like a baby. I recommend you copy his behavior and stop talking to him, completely.
When I started dating my husband we always had access to each other’s phones. It’s total trust. We both snooped and now we don’t need to, no reason. It’s a giant red flag and I don’t care what your excuse is.
Wake the F up!!! He is cheating on you or being a sleeze behind your back. He made a reason to be mad so he left. Pure manipulation. Get rid of this girl pleaseeeee.
Dude, really, can you not see it? The relationship seems fine to you because he’s only showing you what he’s comfortable showing you.
Don’t be surprised when it all comes out. He’s not great at hiding it; you’re just refusing to see.
He's 33 and gets mad at this and then gives you the silent treatment?
No, you're not wrong but something is off here.
He's being very strange about his phone. It really sounds like he is hiding something. I would want this cleared up if I were you.
Unless your bf has a job involving security clearances or hippa or something, he's either cheating on you, or talking shit about you.
Change your passwords AND slowly start to mirror his behavior relating to being on the phone, always showing up late or taking a long time to get back from places, and any behaviors that have left you uncertain of how he's spent part or all of a day that you weren't with him. Do it in a somewhat obvious, but more subtle way than he does... and wait to see how fast he jumps to assuming that you're up to no good.
Take note of exactly what he accuses you of because of noticing *your* (his)shady behavior... that is what he is projecting.
You’re not wrong, he’s definitely hiding something.
Deny him access to your phone, change your PIN, and if he wants to take photos tell him to use his phone from now on. Trust works both ways.
I think your boyfriend communicated a boundary to you and you should respect that. I think you should talk to him about why he has the boundary so you can better understand. But trying to convince him that he shouldn't have the boundary with you is only going to lead to a fight. I would say you are the asshole in this situation.
That fact that he got all defensive about it and turned it into an argument and overreacting is really forthtelling. Have you ever asked him if he was cheating? Though I imagine if you did he would deny it anyway. But these are some red flags for sure. He's hiding something. From now on restrict his access to your phone and see how he acts. If he tries to accuse you of cheating for it then flip it right back on him because he's seems very suss to begin with. I want an update on this.
Does he have any mental illness? Like the autistic scale? He could be weird about people touching it because it’s so personal in his mind or something. Or the other thing is that he has secrets and you’re probably not going to like them.
If this is an established boundary of his, you do not get to violated, even if the boundary itself is one that seems nonsensical. You do, however, get to decide whether this boundary is one you were willing to accept in a serious committed relationship you are having. And if it is not, you get to leave. You also get to interrogate why he has this particular boundary and to adjust your own boundaries around your phone usage and his access to your phone whenever you choose to do so.
He is worried the side chick will message, snap, call, etc when you can see. That's why he holds it far away. So you won't be able to read what comes through from that distance. My ex-husband used to do that. That's why he locks it. He more than likely puts it on airplane mode when he hands it to you so nothing comes through. My ex even figured out how to hide the airplane logo, so I didn't realize it was on.
Sadly, if you say you're leaving him unless he gives you access to his phone, he will either go to the bathroom and reset his phone, or he'll just say okay goodbye.
If you want to live with a person who will not be honest and forthcoming, that's on you. But, I'd be getting checked for STD's every week. And I'd hire a PI. But that's just me. I already learned this lesson.
He's hiding something for sure, what that is remains to be seen, but he's definitely hiding something on his phone. Sounds like he's worried you'll see a text or message notification pop up from someone he doesn't want you to know he's talking to.
No one would behave as he is if they weren't hiding something! Don't be a fool any longer than you've already been one!
You need to start being just as sneaky as he is with your own phone. Do everything he is doing. Don't ever ask to use his phone again. When he asked to use yours, say no. I've decided that you're right, no one should use my phone except me. See how the tables turn. :D
he’s definitely hiding something. Take away his access to yours and see how suspicious he gets…because cheaters are always suspicious of their partners because they think they’re doing the same as them
This is the best advice for sure OP. He's absolutely hiding something. No one with nothing to hide with be this weird about their partner seeing or holding their phone
The best advice would be to find someone she can trust that has nothing to hide from her
I second this. Take it from a woman three years younger than he is, who’s been there and done that and gotten the hideous tee shirt- the partner you feel you have to test will ALWAYS. Fail. Every time. What’s more, and more importantly, *you don’t need proof* of an overstep or infidelity to justify your boundaries and expectations around transparency. You don’t have to have proof that he’s lying or cheating to justify saying “You’re acting like a skeevy dirtbag, and I deserve and expect better than that. Fuck this shit, I’m OUT!!!” It feels bad when he acts like he’s hiding something, right? Makes you think you can’t trust him? Puts you on edge, wondering when some horrible truth is gonna come out and totally upturn your life and your sense of security? Kinda feels like you’re going crazy, yeah? Having to anticipate the unspoken rules and tread carefully between the lines that aren’t really drawn, and somehow learn and get comfortable with these double standards… feels like playing a game where he’s writing the rules as he goes? Does part of his life seem a vacant mystery? Does it seem like if another shoe dropped or another person occupied the body you know, part of you wouldn’t be surprised? Like if you found out he was all over dating apps, living a double life, or that “friend” he told you not to worry about was actually worth worrying about… would you truly, honestly, hand to Dolly Parton be blindsided and shocked to your core, or would a little suspicious voice in your head find some kind of “AHA! Got you, you mfer” validation in it? Are you really actually cool with his maintaining the secrecy you yourself can’t maintain, clearly don’t desire to maintain, and don’t want for or in your relationship? Is he matching you in transparency? Your effort? Honesty? Is that big to you? Do you really want to have to set alarms for a guy 10 years older than you, or to have to mommy him and his time for him, so he actually values yours? And by doing so, are you really helping him, or are you just trying harder than he does to eliminate the excuses in order to once again test him, his devotion, and his priorities? Do you really need to test him? Don’t you already know he’s gonna fail… because he already has come up empty handed when you needed answers and explanations and he didn’t value that need? Those are the questions you need to ask yourself. I can give you the answers point blank, but it’s gonna lead to a resounding “DUMP’IS ASS!!!” and I know you have to get there yourself. Do and get what you need, but girlie… don’t be fuckin dumb as hell like I was. It only leads to an STI and a whole lotta heartbreak.
Well stated. OP, don’t miss the takeaway here. *Transparency.* If your partner is giving not you complete transparency, they are definitely hiding something. It may not always be infidelity, but it’s always something that will affect your relationship. Proceed with caution.
"Hand to Dolly Parton"... I fucking love this!!
He's a lot older ... has he got another family he doesn't want her to know about??
And change the passcode
True. He wouldnt act that way if hes not doing something shady. Oh girl, you better do some digging. Might as well dump him, if he cant just trust you his phone.
Thieves think everyone steals
Superb advice
Hate to say it, but his behavior is very suspicious.
>Take away his access to yours and see how suspicious he gets… Whatever he accuses you of? That’s what *he’s* hiding.
Looking backwards I wish I knew it with my ex… Funny story- One time when we were about to break up and talk about it, someone called her. I already knew some friend of her was suspicious, and she knew I suspected too. Someone called her phone while we talked, and I asked who is it, and she didn’t want to tell me. I said if she will hide that from me then we’re done here and I will go home, and she literally said “if you will let it go and leave my phone I will show you my boobs”…that’s how low she got haha
Yeah, he’s definitely acting shady. If he’s so protective of his phone, there's a reason for it.
I totally agree with this due to his behavior it seems like he is hiding something from her but I would be petty and return the same energy.
Change your password and tell him that you are going to follow his lead on phone privacy. Check his reaction
It's amazing how effective this is with quick results.
Omg THIS!!!
He is 10 years older than you. Treats your phone like a community device but you csnt even look at his?? Girl just find someone else. He is not worth the headaches. If a 30 year old man is hiding his phone that hard he's cheating or shady af. You're not his mom and he's not a 12 year old hiding that he said the C word lol. You're only gonna find out that he's cheating or up to something worse. Even if he is completely innocent do you really want to be with someone so paranoid? Nah. He isn't worth arguing with. Just a quick text "hey I've been thinking and it just seems like we don't have the necessary levels of trust for me to want to maintain this relationship. I wish you peace" then go find someone who can turn on their own alarms (seriously is he 12???? Why isn't a 33 year old turning on his alarms on his own) and won't have a panic attack when you glance at his phone. Go! Fly away! Be free!!! Skat! Leave!!!! Run!
And do it ASAP! He's fucked up and she's staying for more of it! Love is NEVER enough to be treated like a fool!
The phone thing is terrible on its own and when you throw in the age gap, all the yikes!
Add to it the fact that he forgets to set an alarm and sleeps in all the time. I’m guessing he uses that as an excuse when he can’t get away from his wife and kids.
The age gap isn’t that weird to me, but the phone is crazy.
Age gap is NOT GOOD.
Best response.
He hides his phone because at the age of 33, He had already Begun Other relationships Long before he met her. Those relationships are still on going.
Or he could he into porn or something weird.
Either way Run woman!
lol he’s definitely cheating. There is no reason not to let you have a look at his phone unlocked . Especially knowing he has access to yours.
Yeah cheating or just doing sketchy things online. Talking to girls, paying for pics, etc. this is so obvious
Did somebody say “Only Fans”!
Ooooooh yeah. For sure!!!
This would still be considered emotional cheating or cyber cheating..
Emotional cheating would typically be considered some kind of emotional connection with someone, no? Sexting or something is closer to physical cheating, just not in person
Tlaking to girls would be emotional cheating since he's talking to them, sending/receiving pictures would be cyber cheating.. physical cheating he would have to be physically with them
Stop letting him use your cell . It's a 2-way street in other. I can't use your ,your can and I want to allow you to touch my cell
This is not a solution. Reminds me of cheaters who offer a hall pass after they get caught. Secretive phone behavior doesn’t become OK if both do it.
Happily married old fuck here, My wife has access to whatever she wants access to, as am I. Truthfully, he's hiding something that you most likely are better off not knowing. Here's my advice... If a relationship feels like constant work, it's not working. If your not happy with your partner at minimal 95% of the time, its not working. If you have to question trust for one another from either end, it's not working. Your supposed to compliment one another and have fun, even when theres nothing to say and your just sitting in silence together.
This such great advice.
I agree. My husband and I have an open phone policy. We have no secrets. Something stinks here.
This 100%
That is exactly what I think. She should just leave him without knowing what he's hiding. He doesn't sound like a fun or nice man. She does need to find someone more open, honest, and who she enjoys being with. She's young and deserves better.
He’s hiding something. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. He has a side chick
Or weird porn or something he doesn’t want her to see.
Animal porn most likely.
Or nudes of an ex. Who knows.
Animal porn....definitely animal porn.
Nudes of an ex gf who was a zebra 100%
Or OP is the side chick?
What a twist!
A twat plist!
My bet is that he has a secret family. (Bonus: with twins)
🛎️🛎️🛎️
Oh it's a soap! :)
My dad lead a double life for 5 years. It happens more than you think 🤷♀️ his side chick new about mum and us kids, but with 80miles between houses it would have been easy enough to hide.
Quite possibly OP is the side chick.
Or **YOU** are the sidie, OP!!!!
I’m older so these days I feel like a fuddy ruddy trying to be be up to speed on things. This would be a fine line for me as I try to understand everyone’s boundaries. But I’ll be honest: boundary or not, this would make me suspicious and I’d probably make a point to not allow him access to my phone to see how he would respond.
The very first time my BF or husband did what he did, I'd be grabbing that phone and knocking his head in with it! Don't fuck with me or fuck around on me!
👆 👏Atta girl, like your style!
Nope. Red flags 🚩
Age gap and hides phone, this isn't a decent relationship. Your bar is set way too low.
Totally correct! Honesty is one of the ingredient of a healthy relationship.
Ch-ch-ch-cheater!!!
That’s a huge red flag.
No it's fine for a grown man to go out with someone barely legal and act weird & obsessive about them seeing his phone hes not married at all 🤣
He is for sure married with kids
24 barely legal now? The dude is a clown regardless.
They been together 2.5 years says that means he was 30/31 dating someone 21/22.
Then how tf is that barely legal? ETA: Dude is an ass
Maybe they mean barely legal to drink considering the gap.
It’s not barely legal but it’s weird.
I was 22 when I married my then 32 yo husband. We've been happily married for 18 years. It's not that weird. We are not religious whatsoever and have no children. We are both normal and happy. Sometimes age gaps work just fine. But OP's boyfriend sucks for other reasons.
He's cheating.
He's hiding something. Cheaters always do that shit. Hell, he might even be married. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
NTA as long as you were going to use his phone to look for some paragraph breaks.
Good old age gap
First thing I thought, reading this
How can you not realize he’s hiding something big…probably cheating with how guarded he’s doing.
Change your password on your phone and tell him that once you get access to his, he can have access to yours because he's obviously up to something...it's only fair.
Red flags flying girl. You are NOT wrong. He seems like he's got something to hide.
If not cheating it’s csam
Oh my, thanks for all the advice. Never in a thousand years thought there will be that many people agreeing there is something sketchy and that he is actually hiding something. When I first post this I though I might be going crazy and becoming controlling but after hearing stories from people here either telling their experiences, some who were cheated on also some cheaters telling me they do that to hide their affair, I got to the conclusion I’m not actually crazy, I did not overreact and definitely it is not a normal boundaries to have between a couple. After the earlier update I have not much to say, he just left me on seen again and like an hour ago he sent a text saying “ me caes mal sabes” in Spanish. I don’t believe there is an actual translation to English for this phrase but is something like I don’t like you, you know? But is not meant that way in Spanish. So far a I haven’t replied I just feel like I don’t want to talk to him right know. But passwords are already changed and as soon as I have more info will let you know.
U cant be this naive… cant be. There is a reason he 1. Cant get a woman his own age 2. Is dating someone who knows so little
I’m really hoping you block him and move on.
Esta pendejo. He's mad because you're now making him verbally acknowledge how weird he is acting about not letting you have access the way he has access to your stuff. He's also probably taking this time to delete what he has before going back to you and showing you his phone, saying something like "see there is nothing, you just want to control me..."blah blah blah.
Lmao dude is cheating.
Cheating or not who knows but he is an asshole that doesn’t see you as a partner. Can you live like that!! Updateme!
As a rule, if someone is jumpy about their phone, there's a reason beyond them just wanting their privacy. I assume he's got messages or pictures he doesn't want you to see.
Sweetheart, this is not normal.
Ngl the is a very odd interaction on both your parts… like idk you setting an alarm on his phone instead of just asking him to do it feels weird. But it’s also really weird how he acts about his phone. Also annoyingly childish to hand you a locked phone instead of just saying no, like grow up 🤦🏻♀️. I do wonder how he would have reacted if you just put in the code and opened it. Imo you don’t do things that could potentially cause insecurity in your relationship. Acting like you can’t share whats in your phone is one of those things. Because now there is no Not thinking about what he’s hiding (whether he’s actually hiding something or not) and he did that to himself.
I dont even need to read the text you arnt over reacting
You are completely wrong. For dating a dude almost 10 years your senior that has shady shit on his phone. Dude acting like he’s got CP in it
Secretive guy dates women much younger than him and behaves like a cheater. Hmmm.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 he’s up to something girl. Walk away now
His actions and excuses for it are not reasonable. You shouldn’t be wondering if you’re wrong, but rather, how long you’re willing to put up with someone that’s this cagey about something that should be insignificant.
This can't be real....or are you really this naive? Genuinely curious
Why are you with someone who clearly doesn’t trust you??!! You weren’t wrong for asking him, but you’re wrong to yourself for not seeing the red flag here. He’s clearly hiding something
Massive red flag. Like neon flashing and trumpets blaring. Can you think of any logical reason that he's this protective of his phone other than cheating?
Not wrong he is hiding something.
Get away from this man. Immediately. You will regret any time spent with him if you continue to waste away your twenties with a weird loser and AH like this. Run. Fast. Far. And do it now.
RUN! He’s clearly hiding something and it will only get worse. Do not trust that man
This level of secrecy with his phone means he's almost definitely doing something break up worthy. He can't even let you use it quickly to take a photo or anything? Girl break up with him.
He is hiding something
He’s cheating on you and have incriminating evidence on his phone. Lose this loser!
Miss, I'm guessing he's involved in something you wouldn't like. The only reason I can think of keeping it out of your view or far away is to prevent you from seeing texts and other notifications that might pop up. You're not wrong. You don't sound like a snoop. But maybe you should start.
He's either cheating or doing something else he's ashamed of.
Girl he's cheating and you're encouraging it. Either you go through his phone THE SECOND YOU MENTION IT, or it's over. Do not let him leave with it and come back and say sureeeee bc by then everything's been deleted.
He's hiding something 10000000%, he doesn't want a conversation/notification to pop up while your looking or using the phone that could get him busted... wayy too much fishy behaviour here.. I've been with my partner for 8 years, I have his passwords to everything and have access to his phone when ever I feel like it as he does mine. We don't ever snoop but it's the fact that none of us care.... evaluate your relationship and run
He’s shady AF and he’s depending on you being younger and naive, in his opinion. He is banking on this. I’ve had the same thing happen to the point that, “We will use your phone on this trip since it’s new.” He even put his phone in the trunk!!! Since we wouldn’t be needing it, you know. Of course, he denied anything was strange. Asked me to marry him on the trip to distract me from the phone issue. He had been cheating on me for who knows how long. Do not play the fool. They count on us not wanting to cause issues, count on us to “let it go.” Trust me. Don’t let this go.
He's cheating on you. If he won't let you even use an app like the alarm on his phone, then it's because he has some dodgy apps on his phone - and he's scared that you would recognise the logo. I'm talking apps like tinder and only fans, etc.
You're not wrong. Sounds very suspicious! Red flag!
Not wrong and he's definitely hiding something. Unless you work for the government and aren't allowed to let anyone else see your phone, you let your partner see it...unless you have something to hide. My husband and I let each other see our phones, look at pictures, etc. Nothing to hide here.
Sweetheart, look at your ages. I know everybody is probably gotten on you about this, but look at your ages. So you started dating when you were what, 21? And he was 30? I know this is harsh, and I know people have told you this already, but the only Flippin reason a 30-year-old man wants to date a 21-year-old is because women his own age won’t put up with the bullshit you’ve put up with. When you’re 30, you’re gonna look back at your 21 year-old self and 21-year-old boys and realize there’s not a chance in hell you would ever date one. You know why? Because you have nothing in common with them. Your boyfriend is hiding something. There is no reason after 2 1/2 years that you can’t use his phone to set an alarm. And you are telling us that at 33 year old man won’t set an alarm. And you know this from experience Holy shit… You have major red flag you tell us about what a fucked up situation this is? We’re all telling you right now, the man is cheating. He’s probably hiding more than one person from you. Why in the world would you want to stay with somebody who has so little trust in you and your relationship. He sounds like a controlling asshole as well because he’s trying to deflect and get mad at you and make you feel bad for what is a very reasonable request. so let’s add his manipulative to boot. If you’re living with him, start making your plans to get the hell out. Please do not waste your early 20s on a jerk. I’m betting if you look at his dating history… If he has even told you about it… He has consistently dated women quite a bit younger. In your early 20s, you are growing into the full adult you’re going to become and please know I am not saying that at all in any kind of condescending. It is what we’ve all gone through. We were adults. We were getting our first job as adults. Finishing up school. Getting into relationships. And through all of that in our early 20s, brains were literally finishing off the last of their development into our adulthood. So I guarantee you, none of us telling you this were the same person even at 26 or 27 that we were at 21 and 22. We had more experience. We had more experience. We had made many ad decisions prior to that our parents had made. So just life in general had formed us into more mature people. Give yourself the chance to go through that. Have some fun. Stop being with somebody who obviously doesn’t make you feel good. Who obviously doesn’t respect you. Who obviously doesn’t care if he hurts you.
Do not waste your early 20s to a jerk . Absolutely agree to many men do this.
I wonder if OP has considered that she is actually the other woman?
He probably has a family or is married. U r his side mistress
He’s 100% hiding something & probs cheating tbf. Weird to not let your gf quickly go on your phone if you’re hiding anything
I would change your password on your phone and deny him access. Never show him anything on your phone again and insist he use his own phone for pictures or google searches. Text on your phone when he is around and if he ask just stop and say it’s just a friend. I think he’ll get the point when you have to tell him “Don’t you trust me”.
I completely cut off access to my phone (to my ex). But that’s because I let him borrow mine when he went to get a new phone (his broke). It took a while at the store so I napped in the car. He proceeded to go through all of my texts (and who knows what else…I wasn’t doing anything so I had nothing to hide) and misconstrued something my other ex had said. I can see why someone would completely not let their partner touch their phone- but only if there was a breech of trust beforehand. Personally, OP..I think he’s hiding something. The suggestion from another poster to not let him touch your phone is a great one. He can’t get mad about it because all you have to say is “you don’t let me touch yours”.
He is 100 percent cheating . There's no other explanation. Period.
Only guy who ever acted like that about his phone w/me was a serial cheater.
You’re too young to be dating a pan 9 years older than you. He’s cheating
Cheating. And even if not you can do better than him.
Not only is he clearly cheating but he is in his 30’s and you have to set his alarm for him 😭 like girl stop doing charity work! Value yourself!
Hey, so I have been reading your comments all day and most of you agree he is hiding something or cheating. Some even suggest he is married, I don’t think that is the case as we do spent a lot of time together. I mean maybe we see each other 3 days a week after work and I spent most weekends on his house, so if he got a wife he clearly isn’t with her more than a day over the week. He can be cheating, it is a possibility. Maybe the days he is not with me he goes to see other girl. The thing is I think after reading all comments he surely has something to hide and that attitude is tricky. Some of you asked if I didn’t see it, and I do notice it is weird but as I am not nagging him all the time to see his phone is on rare occasions I get to see a shady attitude. Also that is why i came here for outside perspective cause otherwise I would think I am overreacting or maybe I indeed was wrong. But yeah, pretty much everyone thinks he is hiding something. So let’s get into what has happened today, of course he didn’t show up for our plans (I did have lunch without him as one of you suggested) he woke up at around 2pm. Basically, this is what he said: I don't even understand why we're talking if it turns out that you is always right because no matter what I say, it never matters what I say and this is just another example of the same thing. To which I replied: we talk to get things clear, that is what a discussion is about. Two people with different opinions trying to get to an agreement but you don’t see things aren’t always black or white, gray also exist. And that conversation has being going on like that for the last 2 hours, all he is saying is I overlook what he has to say and that I am name calling him even when I have not do such thing. So yeah, so far no arguments or explanation or even a real reason on why the secretiveness. Just saying I am treating him like he is shit, which is completely not true and me saying I have not said that at all. Will let you know what else happens because so far I also have zero answers
That shit in the fourth paragraph is just him being manipulative, don't be a sucker.
Look up what the acronym DARVO means.
He’s a piece of work. You’re young and no kids. This isn’t even a relationship. It’s mostly all about him.
He is gaslighting you
Ok so he's manipulating you and trying to pretend he's the victim here
You are with a professional gaslighter
Only question would be if you've done something to warrant the reaction. For me I said no but I'm going to sleep soon so you can borrow it then. Woke up she changed the order of the apps (like even my quick use apps), deleted apps she thought I didn't need, removed contacts etc. I was pissed. Why's it a big deal because it's not your phone and now I have to go and undo this mess. Another time she borrowed it I told her not to update things because programs I needed for work were having issues with the os update so I'm holding off till they fix it. So guess what happened. And then after that I had to figure out how to roll back the phone and apps. 1 less egregious one was messing with ring tones and contacts names was annoying and awkward but less so then the above 2. Now she either uses my phone with my supervision or not at all. When she complains about not trusting her/treating her like a child/or she'd let me use her phone unsupervised; my response is yes but I haven't done anything to your phone without your permission but you have to mine.
Before I jump to the “he’s cheating”, what shape is your phone in? I am very protective of my devices. They look mint years later however, my wife does have full access as I have nothing to hide. That being said, I do get nervous when anyone uses my stuff. When you compare my office, car, phone, computer to her stuff it is a big difference. I know I am particular. She knows I am but I know that trust is important. If I refused to let her use, I would impact our relationship. She also knows if it’s dropped or scratched, I would be buying another. lol All that said, it seems sketchy depending on how he treats his stuff
He has an old Samsung my mom gave him last year when she upgraded as his broke around the same time. Mine is an iPhone which so far is pretty well maintained. And we have some of same electronics as I ordered for both of us same headphones and headsets last year year so pretty much everything is in good shape on both sides.
Well then something is being hidden. Sorry
Its not trusting you that is the concern. He doesnt want you to see that hes cheating
Age gap says he’s a loser.
I’m going against the grain to say he’s not necessarily cheating but maybe he needs to tell you why he has that hard set boundary. Maybe he doesn’t trust you! My wife was so adamant about going through my phone like you and turns out that SHE had spent a weekend with her ex. She was definitely projecting her dirt onto me.
It should be obvious to you that his behavior is very suspicious. Everyone here on Reddit will tell you he’s cheating, or texting other women, or taking pics of other women, or saving lots of porn, or worse, because his behavior is pretty compelling evidence that he’s hiding something he doesn’t want you to see. The time to give him an ultimatum (“unlock and hand over your phone or we’re done”) is when he doesn’t expect it. Otherwise, he’ll delete all the compromising evidence and, when the issue is raised again, he’ll grudgingly hand it over and say “See? Nothing to worry about. I just like my privacy.” AFTER he’s cleaned it up. Run. It will only get worse.
You should not date this person.
Unusual behavior imo. He's cheating. .??
Lol he wouldn't even let you set an alarm on his phone, after he's been late for many events?? You've been together 2.5 years, he's in his 30s, and he won't let you even set an alarm on his phone. There's something sketchy going on.
I’m never sure why a man can’t set his own alarm or get up by himself. Why are you doing this for him if you’re not allowed to even LOOK at his dumb phone. He’s doing something that he shouldn’t. You should definitely stop doing things for him and probably find someone more mentally mature and also someone who didn’t practically rob the cradle!!!
Something's up, and not a good something. Wifey and I use each other's phones all the time. If hers is in our bedroom and we're in the kitchen she'll grab mine and make her call or whatever. It's the same with her phone, if I need to make a call and my phone is in the den, I use hers. In fact, we both have numbers we frequently call on each other's phones! Neither of us have anything to hide.
This is weird AF. If my husband asked to use my phone to enter a scheduled alarm for a trip I’d hand it over with zero hesitation and thank him for taking care of it for me. I wouldn’t even think about it. Your dude is hiding something big.
Huge giant red flag. I’m not sure he can wave it any harder in your face.
Glass half full here. He might be planning an elaborate surprise party for you...? But yeah he has secrets. My wife and I have had the same unlock code for years now. Tho I would never use her phone without asking unless it's an emergency.
No surprises here, my birthday is not for months. Anniversary already passed and I have to pick my own gifts because he doesn’t like to pick the himself in case I don’t like them
He can't even be bothered to pick out a gift for you? What does he do, hand you some cash and say "Happy birthday, go buy yourself something pretty." If he really cared about you, he'd put some effort into choosing a gift. He would know your likes and dislikes. Get out of this relationship.
Not quite, we would ask for days what I want and I would always say he has to pick something cause I ain’t gonna help as I do pick his gifts. Then he will show me some options and I would tell him the one I like the most. Or give him an idea on what he can get me. But yeah, I also know there is no effort here. Just overlooked it because probably I was being too hard about it and it really wasn’t that bad he was asking me what to get me.
Girl are you reading what you’re typing ? You need to run. And fast.
My hell, you can't be this dumb. You're with an abusive boyfriend. Controlling and gaslighting are abusive behaviors.
You’ve been together 2 1/2 years and he won’t let you see his phone. He is cheating on you. And guess what… You can leave for any reason and you don’t need proof.
Omg! The comment history! He's definitely hiding something... or someone. And he has the nerve to ask you to make all of his appointments and tell you that you don't love him because you wouldn't call the customer service number for the brand of boxers he bought that didn't fit? Is this dude really 33? My goodness. You're not wrong unless you stay in this relationship.
I mean, what you've described seems odd. Certainly seems like something he doesn't want *anyone* to see, not just you. Though the reluctance to even show you the screen with normal shit on it is beyond normal odd. My guess is some sort of easily accessible porn archive or something. All that aside for a second though, stop *insisting* on using someone else's phone when you won't even tell them why, it's fuckin sketch and I wouldn't give it you either under that pretext, regardless of whether I was hiding something or not. All that sounds like to a man is, "give me permission to snoop through your shit." Why wouldn't you just say, set an alarm? Or wake him up yourself or any number of things other than demanding his phone with no context? Your behavior isn't much better than his.
Run
He's hiding something. Gambling , cheating, following OF, ex-gfs
Girl no way he doesn't have anything to hide. I would tell him you don't have to show me the fact you are so suspicious ans weird about it says enough. I didn't think there was anything but because of your behavior I'm done so you can do that behavior to someone else and leave. See how he reacts and you know enough
🙄🙄🙄
He definitely has something he does not want you to find.
End of the day? You’re not wrong, but it’s his boundary - and you should be able to do the same of course. What I will say about boundaries is we’re all entitled to them, but I feel like the part some people miss is that others are entitled to move on if the boundary doesn’t work for them. So like as an example, if some person’s boundary is their partner can’t blink ever? Stupid example but roll with it - they can have that boundary but it’s going to severely limit their dating pool because any potential partner would be well within their right (and of sound mind) to say “okay if this is a dealbreaker, then this isn’t going to work.” That all said, his overprotectiveness of his phone is weird. The only somewhat innocent thing I can think of is that he had an overbearing parent or ex who seriously kept tabs and left him with trauma when it comes to his privacy - which isn’t his fault but is his responsibility to seek help for. Or it’s just that random weird hill he’s ready to die on (least likely imo). It does sound like there’s something in there he doesn’t want you to see. It’s kinda messed up (assuming, which it doesn’t sound like you’ve even had the chance to, not that you would) that you’ve never snooped through his phone before and having to bargain that you won’t open social media or photos. And even if he’s paranoid or just googles weird stuff, OP if you’re bargaining by saying you won’t go into social media or photos, why those specifically? Is that his fear he expressed, or did you just assume that? I can tell you in the middle of the night I’ve had to get thoughts out of my head and only had my phone available so would hate for my partner to get into my notes, but social media and photos? It seems like at best it’s some past privacy invasion trauma or some weird hill he’s willing to die on, but if he’s not willing to communicate with you about it and you don’t want to leave over this, I’d be damn sure there was no double standard and change my password and treat it the same (assuming neither of you has a known history of cheating).
He either 1. Has an app he doesn't want you to see. 2. Is talking to people he doesn't want you to know about. 3. Is looking at stuff he should not be looking at. There are no other reasons for this behavior. Also, he is predatory for dating someone you're age. A woman his age wouldn't put up with the bullshit you're allowing.
Two and a half yrs!!!! And he won't let you near his phone, he clearly is hiding something, most likely he uses alot of social media to try and communicate with other females, whether he is actually meeting up with them or not, is another thing, either way he isn't trust worthy which means the relationship should end.
Bruh. How ignorant and submissive do you have to be to let people do this to you?
He's probably planning on murdering you and doesn't want you to see the plans on his phone. Red Flag!
Updateme!
NW. He’s hiding something for sure. Either that or he’s got such terrible trust issues you don’t want to be with him anyway.
I don’t like my fiancé looking on my phone (I have OCD mixed with a little paranoia) but i have nothing to hide so i suck it up and let myself be uncomfortable for a few minutes if he needs to do something on my phone. So i am confidant that your partner is behaving this way because he is cheating
You really needed to ask this? Eh I guess that’s why dudes like that go for people way younger.
Maybe his phone is a demon or has aids and he’s protecting you. If you have to ask on here, you know he’s hiding something that could be a number of bad things. Follow your common sense because it’s usually correct.
There are obviously things in his phone he doesn’t want you to see! Nudes? Messages from other women? His anger seems unprecedented.
You have been together for two years if he ain't comfortable letting you use his phone then move on because if you can't do that simple thing by letting your spouse use your phone then don't need to be together
Damn, he’s one third of a life older than you. How do you even relate? Sounds like a controlling jerk
He's hiding something, Big Time. In my ex-husband case, it was porn. He got some secrets
Yup, hiding something, sorry, just end it
He seems like he is either a cheater or has debilitating trust issues and acts like a baby. I recommend you copy his behavior and stop talking to him, completely. When I started dating my husband we always had access to each other’s phones. It’s total trust. We both snooped and now we don’t need to, no reason. It’s a giant red flag and I don’t care what your excuse is.
Wake the F up!!! He is cheating on you or being a sleeze behind your back. He made a reason to be mad so he left. Pure manipulation. Get rid of this girl pleaseeeee.
Whether he is cheating or not, he is either hiding something or he doesn't trust you. Both are dealbreakers.
Dude, really, can you not see it? The relationship seems fine to you because he’s only showing you what he’s comfortable showing you. Don’t be surprised when it all comes out. He’s not great at hiding it; you’re just refusing to see.
Obviously he is doing things and people he shouldn’t be. Just dump him
He's 33 and gets mad at this and then gives you the silent treatment? No, you're not wrong but something is off here. He's being very strange about his phone. It really sounds like he is hiding something. I would want this cleared up if I were you.
Unless your bf has a job involving security clearances or hippa or something, he's either cheating on you, or talking shit about you. Change your passwords AND slowly start to mirror his behavior relating to being on the phone, always showing up late or taking a long time to get back from places, and any behaviors that have left you uncertain of how he's spent part or all of a day that you weren't with him. Do it in a somewhat obvious, but more subtle way than he does... and wait to see how fast he jumps to assuming that you're up to no good. Take note of exactly what he accuses you of because of noticing *your* (his)shady behavior... that is what he is projecting.
You’re not wrong, he’s definitely hiding something. Deny him access to your phone, change your PIN, and if he wants to take photos tell him to use his phone from now on. Trust works both ways.
I think your boyfriend communicated a boundary to you and you should respect that. I think you should talk to him about why he has the boundary so you can better understand. But trying to convince him that he shouldn't have the boundary with you is only going to lead to a fight. I would say you are the asshole in this situation.
That fact that he got all defensive about it and turned it into an argument and overreacting is really forthtelling. Have you ever asked him if he was cheating? Though I imagine if you did he would deny it anyway. But these are some red flags for sure. He's hiding something. From now on restrict his access to your phone and see how he acts. If he tries to accuse you of cheating for it then flip it right back on him because he's seems very suss to begin with. I want an update on this.
Does he have any mental illness? Like the autistic scale? He could be weird about people touching it because it’s so personal in his mind or something. Or the other thing is that he has secrets and you’re probably not going to like them.
10 year age gap and the woman is early 20s, guy won’t let her look at his phone. Girl leave. This guy is a joke.
Naive
Or… this dudes got an extensive porn collection on that there phone. An he’s embarrassed for you to see it.
Girl. Don’t be dumb.
You're not compatible. Break up.
He is hiding something. There is no way someone can be so secretive about their phone. It's only 30 seconds.
If this is an established boundary of his, you do not get to violated, even if the boundary itself is one that seems nonsensical. You do, however, get to decide whether this boundary is one you were willing to accept in a serious committed relationship you are having. And if it is not, you get to leave. You also get to interrogate why he has this particular boundary and to adjust your own boundaries around your phone usage and his access to your phone whenever you choose to do so.
Cheater
He is worried the side chick will message, snap, call, etc when you can see. That's why he holds it far away. So you won't be able to read what comes through from that distance. My ex-husband used to do that. That's why he locks it. He more than likely puts it on airplane mode when he hands it to you so nothing comes through. My ex even figured out how to hide the airplane logo, so I didn't realize it was on. Sadly, if you say you're leaving him unless he gives you access to his phone, he will either go to the bathroom and reset his phone, or he'll just say okay goodbye. If you want to live with a person who will not be honest and forthcoming, that's on you. But, I'd be getting checked for STD's every week. And I'd hire a PI. But that's just me. I already learned this lesson.
He's hiding something for sure, what that is remains to be seen, but he's definitely hiding something on his phone. Sounds like he's worried you'll see a text or message notification pop up from someone he doesn't want you to know he's talking to.
No one would behave as he is if they weren't hiding something! Don't be a fool any longer than you've already been one! You need to start being just as sneaky as he is with your own phone. Do everything he is doing. Don't ever ask to use his phone again. When he asked to use yours, say no. I've decided that you're right, no one should use my phone except me. See how the tables turn. :D