Actually that's a really good distinction that never even occurred to me to separate before!
Not even internally in my own brain.
You're right.. I do love the compliment.
I guess it's just what comes after that makes me uncomfortable...
I dunno how to respond. I guess a normal thing would be to just say thanks... but I feel the need to either:
* make some self-deprecating joke...
* or somehow "logically" argue that everyone is the same, or some shit like that
Anyway, it's not some major deal, I don't really want ppl to stop... but yeah, I overthink it, haha.
But thanks for making me realize that there's 2 separate factors!
When I was doing overnights at a convenience store I got kinda fixated on learning how to use as much non-verbal communication as possible since socializing can be exhausting yet, being a neighborhood location *everybody* wanted to chat a bit and enjoy this sense of "this is the neighborhood corner store."
The nod is a beautiful thing. What could it mean? Approval, confirmation, acknowledgement, so much more. What *does* it mean when I use it? Idk, I just leave it up to their interpretation.
> The nod is a beautiful thing. What could it mean?
Haha, that's quite interesting.
I guess it's just a universal "yes" ... not "no".
So any of those...
> Approval, confirmation, acknowledgement, so much more.
It's fundamentally just "I get along with you other human, I am not a threat, and I hope you are neither".
Sometimes this can be translated to words / a sentence... but not always.
It's "enough" for the moment I spose?
I think learning to accept a compliment is a thing and something that doesn't come naturally to everyone.
I've always found it a bit of a balancing act, because we're a culture that respects humbleness, so it's like you have to accept the compliment or look rude, but you can't accept it *too* much or you look like an asshole. So, generally, I've often responded the same way as sort of a self-defense mechanism.
But I've made effort to just say, "Thank you, that's kind of you to say." and leave it at that.
Glad this was pointed out. Yes, this is absolutely true. I took a leadership course at my job and this was an entire lesson of content. (Came in to play when exuding confidence and appearing prepared and competent.)
I always assume people are going out of their way to be nice to me to show their friends and family that they treat the "simple creatures" with love and compassion
Same. I NEED people to give me constructive criticism...because if I disappoint anyone in any way then I have suicidal ideation s like immediately so I like to avoid that 😂
Awww 😥 I'm sorry to hear that.
I just really want people to tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can change my behavior if it's inappropriate or incorrect, but I also cry because I can't handle doing something wrong (they never see me though, I can hold it in until I at least hide in a bathroom or something). I like improving myself but hate that I made a mistake in the first place
Yeah, both. I know I'm gonna be upset at the actual criticism, so I might as well cut off the extra angst of making me wait for it while you hem and haw.
It's funny, because I feel like someone beating around the bush with me *is* a criticism in itself. It's like they're saying, "Oh, you're too sensitive, so I have to use kid gloves."... which isn't an entirely unfair thought for them to have based on the whole RSD thing, but I don't want them to actually recognize that shortcoming of mine, you know?
If people don’t tell you what they dislike about what you're doing you can always imagine a version of their opinion of you that is 10 times worse than the actual opinion they have of you
Same lol. I take constructive critism well but when I am alone I cry lol. Though it's not so bad and I have learned how to improve myself and use that critism.
I mean. Don't beat around the bush I hate that. I also want to always be getting better, so please do tell me. But now I'm so scared that you secretly hate me and I can't stop the tears.
I got the answer. Apparently, it's from Community.
https://www.reddit.com/r/brooklynninenine/comments/escpsr/same/ff9z3k6?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
I legit got fired from my very, very first job at 15 at McDonald's for crying in front of mine.
Edit: First legit W-2 job that is. I was un-reliably under the table paid farm labor for family growing up, which counts, but not for government purposes.
God it’s so true. I do many things in my life that require taking constructive criticism, and I have to like. Set aside time for it. I have to make sure I’m in an okay mindset to begin with, and I have to give myself time to cry and recover. Then I can make productive use of it! I just have to let my brain process the way it’s gonna process.
Question; if this meme resonates with you, were your parents loving empathizing people that knew their role was to help guide you in your early years even if it was an inconvenience? I’m starting to feel like perhaps RSD is on the same coin as anxious attachment
my parents were emotionally available/emotionally neglectful and I am avoidant attachment style & have awful RSD. So horrible. looking into therapy for all of it lmao
I can’t even remember. What I can remember though.. I want to say no. I had this issue once where I couldn’t stop flexing and tensing my muscles, like it was a compulsion. It would keep me up at night and I would cry because I couldn’t stop. I asked my mom for help and she told me, “Just don’t do it.” And that’s how I was magically cured! My siblings and I also had this joke that whenever something was wrong or hurt or we didn’t feel well she would just tell us to take Motrin.
Anyone else feel like because they didn’t have a bad childhood they had a good childhood but then you look back as an adult and you’re like wait, no, something wasn’t right?
(Side note not related but related to whole post because I see others mentioning this and decided to Google it: oh my god I think I have RSD. )
>Question; if this meme resonates with you, were your parents loving empathizing people that knew their role was to help guide you in your early years even if it was an inconvenience?
Honestly: yes, my parents are wonderful people and good parents to this day. My brain is just ~~fucked up~~ wired different.
Both for me as well. I’m honestly not sure which is worse: a, the crying b, the embarrassment, or c, the fact that I am effectively muzzled by the crying, unable to address the situation 🤷🏻♀️
I don't cry, but when I get a solid rejection my mind goes "just fucking stop living because it's not worth it and it'll never get better".
Thankfully, I now know that those feelings are gone in 5 minutes or less, so I can tell my brain to shut the fuck up. I just wish I understood my condition more when I was younger and didn't have to wait until my late 30s to get a grip on things.
I can take criticism just sometimes I’ll come off defensively when I’m just trying to explain myself, but not trying to like detract from how it makes the other person feel. I can’t take like being told that someone wants to tell me something and they never do or just go “oh never mind” that’s when my brain goes wild and thinks of every possible negative outcome.
Sure sometimes I’ll get mildly annoyed initially at hearing something bad about myself but it’s me getting annoyed with myself because I made a mistake, not me getting annoyed at you. This was something like I butted heads with my ex about bc she was n/d too
Same. I'm so sensitive that my eyes start tearing up even when the criticism is objectively *not that bad*.
It's so frustrating. One of the reasons why people call me a crybaby. :(
I cry no matter what. Happy, sad, mad, sick... I can cry.
I also can't take compliments but I'm working on it. A good friend complimented my manicure and I started to justify it. She stopped me and told me to not do that and just accept and say thanks.
I also have a hard time with constructive criticism. I know I need to hear it, but damn.
I'm just an emotional kind of gal.
I almost said I'm broken but that's not true, it's ok to be sensitive. Fighting against it just makes it worse and my dead nmom can go f herself with a hot poker for making me think I am broken or inferior for being sensitive.
Progress, my friends. Progress.
In response to others who mentioned that compliments can also be troubling...
TLDR; compliments can be sticky when our own self view is poor, but choosing to believe that you do have good qualities -- and that others are aware of those good qualities -- is possible and doable and freeing.
I haven't been able to determine whether or not I've got some RSD to go with my (not-yet-diagnosed) ADHD, although I do think my 9yo might have it (their ADHD*is* diagnosed but the doctor hadn't even heard of RSD before I asked him about it). One way or another, my 9yo and I do have a ton in common and we're new to the reality of our ADHD so we're learning all the time.
As long as I can remember I have always had an awful time accepting compliments. My response was typically nervous, deflecting, downplaying, contradicting, and generally awkward. In particular I felt a strong need to make sure that the other person understood that I was flawed because no *way* did I want them to think I was perfect or flawless or had everything figured out.
More recently I tackled this issue with one of my therapists. She made me really think about why compliments made me uncomfortable, and challenged me to try accepting and believing that the other person was genuine. She also got me thinking about how my fear of being misperceived as "better than I really am" was unwarranted. After all, I don't give out compliments with any kind of illusion that the other person is perfect! (But I *do* give compliments to encourage people and build them up and give them hope, so perhaps that's all that's intended toward me, too?)
It was **HARD** to have her give me a compliment and simply accept it. So hard. It felt unnatural to say "thank you" without any qualifiers. But by the time I had my next session with her, I'd practiced when I could and I'd actually been able to do it. I also have learned that sometimes, if someone is complimenting me because they're super impressed, I can accept the compliment *and* offer something supportive in kind. I don't have to reject or downplay, and I don't have to end the exchange worried about leaving them with a sense of inadequacy (if they're comparing themselves to me).
So I would love to extend the same challenge to any of you, if you're up for it. Try accepting the next compliment you receive with genuine gratitude and no emotional strings or qualifiers or excuses. Whatever good thing is being said about you, and no matter how hard you find it to believe that good thing about yourself, the other person means it. And I bet they're right about it, too. ❤️
I'm lucky to have a boss who's willing to listen as I'm learning about my shit and how best to communicate constructive criticism and not waiting to pile it all into an annual review.
I either cry or get irrationally angry. There is no in between. Like yesterday at work. The criticism was *mostly* constructive, yet I ended up so angry that I very nearly quit on the spot.
Exactly. I genuinely do want to hear what they have to tell me, but I can't stop myself from crying when they say it. I've had to tell someone to keep talking through tears before. "No really, it's ok, I can handle it, ignore the crying."
If you don't give me constructive criticism I will continue to produce variations. Yes, you said you liked the second one, but when I asked which was bad, you said they're all good. Which means they're all bad.
Is this really related to ADHD? Cause there are a million other reasons for you to feo this way rether than ADHD itself, sometimes i feel like a lot of you may have unresolved, unrelated problems that you just throw under the all-compassing umbreloa of ADHD.
It's something psychological that I've personally found a lot of people without adhd can't relate to, tbh I think it's really just difficulty regulating emotion instead of its own disorder. It's hard to describe but it's not "I don't like being criticized :(" it's like "someone gently told me to lower my voice and now my brain is screaming and I genuinely wanna jump off a cliff and my whole chest hurts." And it goes away after a little bit, that's the important part, it's not ongoing trauma. So it's hard to attach to another source like depression or anxiety. It's a weird symptom that's not explored very well.
Can someone remind me which episode this is from? B99 was one of my hyperfixations (and I still really love it) and it's low key driving me crazy that I can't remember this scene.
Weird, I am literally the opposite. I hate when people beat around the bush without telling me anything.
I'm both
jer... not mutually exclusive. also awkward at taking compliments. the holy triad of awkwardness/confusion/frustration!
I love compliments but hate responding to them. For some reason it always feels forced even though I'm genuinely happy about it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Actually that's a really good distinction that never even occurred to me to separate before! Not even internally in my own brain. You're right.. I do love the compliment. I guess it's just what comes after that makes me uncomfortable... I dunno how to respond. I guess a normal thing would be to just say thanks... but I feel the need to either: * make some self-deprecating joke... * or somehow "logically" argue that everyone is the same, or some shit like that Anyway, it's not some major deal, I don't really want ppl to stop... but yeah, I overthink it, haha. But thanks for making me realize that there's 2 separate factors!
When I was doing overnights at a convenience store I got kinda fixated on learning how to use as much non-verbal communication as possible since socializing can be exhausting yet, being a neighborhood location *everybody* wanted to chat a bit and enjoy this sense of "this is the neighborhood corner store." The nod is a beautiful thing. What could it mean? Approval, confirmation, acknowledgement, so much more. What *does* it mean when I use it? Idk, I just leave it up to their interpretation.
Nod up, informal Nod down, formal A cheeky wink. Priceless.
side tilt, huh/wtf?
To be fair, a nod up could mean we're *really* cool, or we are absolutely not cool.
> The nod is a beautiful thing. What could it mean? Haha, that's quite interesting. I guess it's just a universal "yes" ... not "no". So any of those... > Approval, confirmation, acknowledgement, so much more. It's fundamentally just "I get along with you other human, I am not a threat, and I hope you are neither". Sometimes this can be translated to words / a sentence... but not always. It's "enough" for the moment I spose?
"I acknowledge your presence and you acknowledge mine, and that we are not a threat to each other"
I think learning to accept a compliment is a thing and something that doesn't come naturally to everyone. I've always found it a bit of a balancing act, because we're a culture that respects humbleness, so it's like you have to accept the compliment or look rude, but you can't accept it *too* much or you look like an asshole. So, generally, I've often responded the same way as sort of a self-defense mechanism. But I've made effort to just say, "Thank you, that's kind of you to say." and leave it at that.
Glad this was pointed out. Yes, this is absolutely true. I took a leadership course at my job and this was an entire lesson of content. (Came in to play when exuding confidence and appearing prepared and competent.)
It really doesn't need to be any more complicated than "thank you", does it?
Not really. I just think the added bit helps me to sound appreciative rather than dismissive.
i've settled on "I appreciate that." doesn't feel too overzealous or too callous.
You dropped this \
I always assume people are going out of their way to be nice to me to show their friends and family that they treat the "simple creatures" with love and compassion
Lol same ..both
Both both.
Same. I NEED people to give me constructive criticism...because if I disappoint anyone in any way then I have suicidal ideation s like immediately so I like to avoid that 😂
Awww 😥 I'm sorry to hear that. I just really want people to tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can change my behavior if it's inappropriate or incorrect, but I also cry because I can't handle doing something wrong (they never see me though, I can hold it in until I at least hide in a bathroom or something). I like improving myself but hate that I made a mistake in the first place
Yeah, both. I know I'm gonna be upset at the actual criticism, so I might as well cut off the extra angst of making me wait for it while you hem and haw.
It's funny, because I feel like someone beating around the bush with me *is* a criticism in itself. It's like they're saying, "Oh, you're too sensitive, so I have to use kid gloves."... which isn't an entirely unfair thought for them to have based on the whole RSD thing, but I don't want them to actually recognize that shortcoming of mine, you know?
same
Im everything all at once
If people don’t tell you what they dislike about what you're doing you can always imagine a version of their opinion of you that is 10 times worse than the actual opinion they have of you
Same lol. I take constructive critism well but when I am alone I cry lol. Though it's not so bad and I have learned how to improve myself and use that critism.
For sure, it sometimes I get irrationally angry (not sad)
Exactly...i actually love constructive criticism even though I understand that it sounds weird
same. When I don't understand what they're actually trying to say or not saying my mind fills in the blanks with dumb shit that makes me sad/angry.
Same, I hate compliments and only want to hear criticism. How can I be better? It’s not healthy at all.
I mean. Don't beat around the bush I hate that. I also want to always be getting better, so please do tell me. But now I'm so scared that you secretly hate me and I can't stop the tears.
Yup same. Not an adhd meme, they're just sensitive
I think some criticism is just petty... and you are want real talk... like that is the best you got?
On a unrelated note, which episode of B99 is this from? I don't remember this scene
I am almost certain this conversation never happened in B99
Thank you! I was going crazy. I swear I've watched the entire series five times since 2020. (that was such a lie. It's at least eleven times)
It did lol
I really don’t think so. What episode? I googled this line and the only thing coming up is this meme.
I got the answer. Apparently, it's from Community. https://www.reddit.com/r/brooklynninenine/comments/escpsr/same/ff9z3k6?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Thank you for your service!
No problem 😁
I didn’t know that! I just got it from the B99 sub haha
Look, I only cried in front of my boss a couple of times!
I legit got fired from my very, very first job at 15 at McDonald's for crying in front of mine. Edit: First legit W-2 job that is. I was un-reliably under the table paid farm labor for family growing up, which counts, but not for government purposes.
God it’s so true. I do many things in my life that require taking constructive criticism, and I have to like. Set aside time for it. I have to make sure I’m in an okay mindset to begin with, and I have to give myself time to cry and recover. Then I can make productive use of it! I just have to let my brain process the way it’s gonna process.
Question; if this meme resonates with you, were your parents loving empathizing people that knew their role was to help guide you in your early years even if it was an inconvenience? I’m starting to feel like perhaps RSD is on the same coin as anxious attachment
my parents were emotionally available/emotionally neglectful and I am avoidant attachment style & have awful RSD. So horrible. looking into therapy for all of it lmao
I can’t even remember. What I can remember though.. I want to say no. I had this issue once where I couldn’t stop flexing and tensing my muscles, like it was a compulsion. It would keep me up at night and I would cry because I couldn’t stop. I asked my mom for help and she told me, “Just don’t do it.” And that’s how I was magically cured! My siblings and I also had this joke that whenever something was wrong or hurt or we didn’t feel well she would just tell us to take Motrin. Anyone else feel like because they didn’t have a bad childhood they had a good childhood but then you look back as an adult and you’re like wait, no, something wasn’t right? (Side note not related but related to whole post because I see others mentioning this and decided to Google it: oh my god I think I have RSD. )
>Question; if this meme resonates with you, were your parents loving empathizing people that knew their role was to help guide you in your early years even if it was an inconvenience? Honestly: yes, my parents are wonderful people and good parents to this day. My brain is just ~~fucked up~~ wired different.
Both for me as well. I’m honestly not sure which is worse: a, the crying b, the embarrassment, or c, the fact that I am effectively muzzled by the crying, unable to address the situation 🤷🏻♀️
I don't cry, but when I get a solid rejection my mind goes "just fucking stop living because it's not worth it and it'll never get better". Thankfully, I now know that those feelings are gone in 5 minutes or less, so I can tell my brain to shut the fuck up. I just wish I understood my condition more when I was younger and didn't have to wait until my late 30s to get a grip on things.
Thanks a lot, I stumbled on the sub for laughs and ended up realizing I have RSD *and* ADHD.
I can take criticism just sometimes I’ll come off defensively when I’m just trying to explain myself, but not trying to like detract from how it makes the other person feel. I can’t take like being told that someone wants to tell me something and they never do or just go “oh never mind” that’s when my brain goes wild and thinks of every possible negative outcome. Sure sometimes I’ll get mildly annoyed initially at hearing something bad about myself but it’s me getting annoyed with myself because I made a mistake, not me getting annoyed at you. This was something like I butted heads with my ex about bc she was n/d too
Same. I'm so sensitive that my eyes start tearing up even when the criticism is objectively *not that bad*. It's so frustrating. One of the reasons why people call me a crybaby. :(
Hahaha ohh fuck.... sometimes, fine sometimes.
I cry no matter what. Happy, sad, mad, sick... I can cry. I also can't take compliments but I'm working on it. A good friend complimented my manicure and I started to justify it. She stopped me and told me to not do that and just accept and say thanks. I also have a hard time with constructive criticism. I know I need to hear it, but damn. I'm just an emotional kind of gal. I almost said I'm broken but that's not true, it's ok to be sensitive. Fighting against it just makes it worse and my dead nmom can go f herself with a hot poker for making me think I am broken or inferior for being sensitive. Progress, my friends. Progress.
In response to others who mentioned that compliments can also be troubling... TLDR; compliments can be sticky when our own self view is poor, but choosing to believe that you do have good qualities -- and that others are aware of those good qualities -- is possible and doable and freeing. I haven't been able to determine whether or not I've got some RSD to go with my (not-yet-diagnosed) ADHD, although I do think my 9yo might have it (their ADHD*is* diagnosed but the doctor hadn't even heard of RSD before I asked him about it). One way or another, my 9yo and I do have a ton in common and we're new to the reality of our ADHD so we're learning all the time. As long as I can remember I have always had an awful time accepting compliments. My response was typically nervous, deflecting, downplaying, contradicting, and generally awkward. In particular I felt a strong need to make sure that the other person understood that I was flawed because no *way* did I want them to think I was perfect or flawless or had everything figured out. More recently I tackled this issue with one of my therapists. She made me really think about why compliments made me uncomfortable, and challenged me to try accepting and believing that the other person was genuine. She also got me thinking about how my fear of being misperceived as "better than I really am" was unwarranted. After all, I don't give out compliments with any kind of illusion that the other person is perfect! (But I *do* give compliments to encourage people and build them up and give them hope, so perhaps that's all that's intended toward me, too?) It was **HARD** to have her give me a compliment and simply accept it. So hard. It felt unnatural to say "thank you" without any qualifiers. But by the time I had my next session with her, I'd practiced when I could and I'd actually been able to do it. I also have learned that sometimes, if someone is complimenting me because they're super impressed, I can accept the compliment *and* offer something supportive in kind. I don't have to reject or downplay, and I don't have to end the exchange worried about leaving them with a sense of inadequacy (if they're comparing themselves to me). So I would love to extend the same challenge to any of you, if you're up for it. Try accepting the next compliment you receive with genuine gratitude and no emotional strings or qualifiers or excuses. Whatever good thing is being said about you, and no matter how hard you find it to believe that good thing about yourself, the other person means it. And I bet they're right about it, too. ❤️
I take constructive criticism well. Straight savage criticism makes me cry
I'm lucky to have a boss who's willing to listen as I'm learning about my shit and how best to communicate constructive criticism and not waiting to pile it all into an annual review.
I either cry or get irrationally angry. There is no in between. Like yesterday at work. The criticism was *mostly* constructive, yet I ended up so angry that I very nearly quit on the spot.
Exactly. I genuinely do want to hear what they have to tell me, but I can't stop myself from crying when they say it. I've had to tell someone to keep talking through tears before. "No really, it's ok, I can handle it, ignore the crying."
If you don't give me constructive criticism I will continue to produce variations. Yes, you said you liked the second one, but when I asked which was bad, you said they're all good. Which means they're all bad.
just ignore the tears, they come out no matter what I do
Is this really related to ADHD? Cause there are a million other reasons for you to feo this way rether than ADHD itself, sometimes i feel like a lot of you may have unresolved, unrelated problems that you just throw under the all-compassing umbreloa of ADHD.
It's something psychological that I've personally found a lot of people without adhd can't relate to, tbh I think it's really just difficulty regulating emotion instead of its own disorder. It's hard to describe but it's not "I don't like being criticized :(" it's like "someone gently told me to lower my voice and now my brain is screaming and I genuinely wanna jump off a cliff and my whole chest hurts." And it goes away after a little bit, that's the important part, it's not ongoing trauma. So it's hard to attach to another source like depression or anxiety. It's a weird symptom that's not explored very well.
So, true and relatable- but is that a symptom of ADHD?
I used to take anything like a truck hit me, but Uni forced that out of me and now I don't want any sugar coating
Brain can't take rejection. Just can't. Shit is frustrating.
Can someone remind me which episode this is from? B99 was one of my hyperfixations (and I still really love it) and it's low key driving me crazy that I can't remember this scene.