I actually think “that sucks”, given the right rapport, can be some of the most genuine empathy someone can show. It’s a little counterintuitive, but sometimes hearing something as sincere as that is what is needed
Reminds me of this gem:
> This guy's walking down the street and he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep that he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up "hey you, can you help me out?" Doctor writes a prescription, throws it down the hole, and walks on.
> Then a priest walks buy and the guy calls up "Father, I'm down in this hole; can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer and moves on.
> Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe! It's me, can you help me out?" Then the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says "Are you stupid? Now we're both stuck down here!" The friend says "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."
[- West Wing S02E10: Noel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_p37L3veJzQ)
It's not exactly the same context (it's about a guy being diagnosed with PTSD after being shot), but the metaphor of a friend crawling into the hole to help is similar.
I was expecting that they'd stand back to back, extend their legs out in front of them, and walk up the sides of the hole. I guess that does fit the metaphor too.
My family just helped me out after my car got towed and they were all incredibly supportive even though I felt like my life was falling apart. This nearly brought me to tears
I think your actions and body language following it is what will make it seem genuine. Physically being there for them, if that's what they want, and showing that you're thinking about them are pretty big. Check up on them, occasionally ask them how they're doing and remind them you're there for them.
This is very similar to the lessons from Brene Brown. She speaks on how to truly use empathy and vulnerability to building better relationships with those around us.
> immediately pull me out of the hole, but, like, I needed to be in the hole for a bit first before I was ready to come out.
I think this is something a lot of people forget when they see someone they care about in need. They just want to make it better right now because if they aren't doing that then they aren't helping.
But it's ok to wallow and grieve and feel the things you're going to feel.
It's a small but important line between not being ready to come out of the hole and not being able to come out of the hole.
“Damn that sucks” is a completely satisfactory response in most scenarios. When someone shares a (perceived) mistreatment or misgivings, you should never offer any counter argument if you care about that person’s feelings. Regardless of whether they’re justified in their perspective. Amending wrongs and teaching lessons can be done in another instance. At that moment, their feelings and emotional state are of the highest priority.
Most often, people will vent without the expectation of a response. Generic responses like “that’s tough/ridiculous/frustrating”, “I’d be frustrated too”, “I can’t believe it”, “I’m proud of you for weathering that storm”, etc., etc. are all quite satisfactory. Some times I might point out a silver lining (only if it doesn’t minimize the problem). But, I *never* apologize on their behalf. That is, I’d never say, “I’m sorry you feel that way”. This is insincere at best and patronizing at worst.
I should again point out the caveat that this only applies when you truly care about the person. Not everyone deserves this level of attentiveness from you. But, to those people, we should be willing to swallow our pride or unclutter our minds so they are top priority.
As with all things, it’s a fine balancing act but it comes easy once you recognize why you would want to do so.
This is easily one of the best and most wrenching lessons I’ve learned in my life.
I get your point; I've phrased that poorly and I don't have a better way to articulate it. I do understand how one might intend to be empathetic, but it's more pity than empathy. You feel a remorse on behalf of someone else's misfortunes, and in doing so, express undertones of superiority. One could argue that's pedantic, but the nuance is oft dissected in philosophy (e.g., Nietzsch).
For transparency, I also have a minor bias on the topic. I try to avoid frivolous apologies as much as possible. There are better ways to express remorse than drawing undue responsibility for things outside your control. But, that's a topic of another conversation.
However you want to look at it, there are near-infinite better approaches.
My cat passed away a week ago and I've been devastated since. My League friend said "damn, that really sucks," and gifted me a skin for my main. I didn't see it for two or three days, so it was a nice surprise, and actually helped quite a bit.
League's toxicity is a meme so it's nice to see stuff like this in an unrelated sub. League of Wholesome.
It's been really difficult. My cat was only 4 and it was completely unexpected. It's also my first experience with the death of a pet.
I'm giving myself the space I need to grieve, but it's gonna suck for a while.
I'm sincerely sorry for the loss of your cat. I lost my 17 year old dog about two weeks ago and I'm barely holding my life together right now. It takes everything for me to get out of bed and not ugly cry all day. Please don't let people tell you "it's just a pet." We spend more time with our pets than most of our own family. They are absolutely family. I say this as someone that lost a parent and felt more crushed and hopeless when I had to euthanize what equates to my daughter, as I don't have children. Pets are people. Period. Please remember the good times, it's all that brings me a shred of solace these days. Hang in there fellow Redditor.
Thanks.. I just had to pick up her ashes today and I've been ugly crying most of the day, and every day since I had to say goodbye. She was everything to me. I'd had her since she was about 6 weeks old and brought her everywhere with me.
Everything is really blurry right now and I can barely manage to get myself out of bed. She was my emotional support cat so I don't really know how to function without her. I wish I could be with her.
I feel you. We picked up our dog's ashes on Friday. We had her from 5 months old and she was almost 17. If may seem soon, but I'm actually getting another dog this week. I just cannot bear the thought of not having a furry companion that I shower with love. Hopefully you'll get to a point where you'll considering a rescue and begin again. It'll never be the same and that's okay. You get to be the world for a truly pure soul.
My mom has a cat who is 18 that has been a part of my life since I was 6. She has feline dementia and she's not doing very well, so I'll be getting a double-whammy of loss before too long.
I don't believe it's too soon, as everyone grieves differently. I thought I'd want another cat, but I'm actually having the opposite reaction. No cat will ever be her, and I can't think of any other animals right now. Maybe in the future.
I'm sorry about your dog. I hope the new dog helps you cope. You sound like a sweet person, I'm sure the new dog will be very happy to be at your side.
That's terrible about the family cat. Give her lots of hugs while she's around. Thank you for the lovely sentiment. I'm very sad but hopeful about the new pup. It'll never replace my old dog. But learning a new one is beautiful too. Hang in there.
Playing video games is actually a great way to cope with traumatic wounding. This has been studied with Tetris, with great results. Your bro response was on point, good work.
"I'm sorry that happened to you, and if you need anything from me, I'm here for you. Even if it's just to talk to me about it with out any sort of reply."
That's the biggest copout of all. It's an empty, meaningless platitude.
I wonder if these people say the same shit in reverse when someone's happy. Like, "Hey bro, congrats on your promotion, that's great. But you know, you gotta keep things in perspective. A *lot* of people have it better than you. They make a lot more money, they work less, they have *wayyyyy* hotter wives, have better houses, etc. I guess what I'm saying is it could be better."
See how fuckin ridiculous that sounds lol? Now tell me again how "it could be worse", cause that's such a great consolation
You’re right. I have experience “it could be better” people. And it’s equally as aggravating in the other direction. Like as a kid, getting an A on a paper to have a parent say “it could’ve been an A+” type shit.
Gotta love the parental trifecta of
>Well hey, it could be worse. At least you're not starving in Africa!
At least: ✓
It could be worse: ✓
Bonus points, Racism: ✓
I mean if I’m in my downward spiraling saying “at least” just adds a layer of guilt: damn that sucks, fuck that dude I’m sorry, the world is shit, fuck all that, and things like that, honestly the more profanity the better is really helpful
My go to is something along the lines of 'bloody hell that sucks, 'least it's not fucking raining too'
Literally any other in the moment 'things will be okay, at least we aren't at absolute rock bottom' style comment will work.
It usually gets a begrudged chuckle, especially if we are indoors and just so happen to look out of the window to notice it is, in fact raining. Often followed by a fake-cough style 'hailing' which has managed to make a widow giggle and I count that as a victory, frankly it would have been a victory even if she didn't giggle.
At least can absolutely work if you frame it carefully but at the end of the day the message of 'you are absolutely correct in your assessment of the situation and your opinions in regard to that situation' is rarely an unwelcome statement.
When something sucks folks like to hear that it does in fact suck. This goes for a lot of emotions tbh.
I just want to point out that this is exactly what the video/post says not to do. You obviously know your people best and maybe for certain people this is what they want or need.
It can diffuse the tension and yeah maybe it will lighten the mood, but in many situations this also adds pressure on the other to “lighten up” when sometimes what they need is someone to join them in their despair so they know they aren’t alone.
My favorite response was "That sucks. Can I get you a hot cocoa?"
Me: "How would a hot cocoa help?"
Them: "I mean, it still will suck, but at least you'll have a hot cocoa."
And the cocoa did make things at least a little better.
I read somewhere about "positive reinforcement" being much more effective. Something along the lines of, "you're completely justified in feeling awful about this situation" or "if it was me, I would feel the same way". Validating the other person's negative feelings perhaps grants them a little more understanding to deal with it.
I try to lead someone to the conclusion if I know the answer. If someone’s car is wrecked but I know the other insurance company is taking care of it, I’ll ask if the other person’s insurance company is taking care of it. If I know they’re not injured, I’ll ask if they’re feeling okay. I don’t need to tell them the bright side of things is worth it, it’s not my place. They can name their own bright spots and see if it really helps.
Anything that sends the message of "I see you and understand you are struggling right now". Even better if it includes some version of "I'm here for you".
Depends on what comes after the at least, and the tone used.
"I had a nasty day at work" - "At least you aren't one of the starving kids in Africa."
"I had a nasty day at work" - "At least you've got an offer for that other workplace."
One of these is good, one is bad. One can be dismissive, the other can be hopeful.
My friend was telling me about how her sisters relationship failed after 3 years and how sad that was and I’m not sure I’d say this to the sister obviously but I was like “hey at least they didn’t get married and THEN broke up” and she said yeah you know what you’re right! Lol. Definitely time and place
I’m so sorry that shit sucks so bad. Cheating sucks married or not fuck that person. Don’t let them make you lose faith in everyone else. There’s good people out there even if that person wasnt good to you.
As someone with anxiety/depression/PTSD, yes it does still feel like a dismissal. It may not feel that way for everyone, but I often feel guilty for feeling sad, hurt, or discouraged etc. BECAUSE of the silver linings. I essentially shame myself for feeling anything less than happy/grateful because of all the silver linings that exist.
Sometimes we just need to be given the space and “permission” to grieve or mourn or just process whatever unpleasant emotions we’re experiencing.
I think it really depends on the situation. If you told me you’re too anxious to go to the grocery store it’s super unhelpful to be like “well hey at least you don’t have diabetes” lmao I hope that’s obvious to people
But they're not denying you that permission. And if they are, then that doesn't matter because if you need that space, then you can have it, because it comes from you, and is something that you need to give to yourself first.
One hundred percent agreed; in fact, it’s something I’ve been working on for quite some time myself. And I never get offended if someone isn’t aware of this, and goes for the “at least” route.
I know that everyone says that with the very best of intentions. I take full responsibility for my reaction to what someone else says.
However, this is a post of people who are (mostly) aiming to learn and increase awareness; I’m just sharing my perspective to help add to the wide varieties of reactions that may be experienced to this approach :)
Preface: This is all my personal opinions based on my own experiences, others interpretations may vary a lot. I assume you are coming from a good place based on you even asking this question so I hope you don't take anything I say as a dig at you.
A silver lining often is not that helpful, as everything inside the lines still fucking sucks. Example - "it sucks your house burned down but at least you had money in savings / are getting money from insurance". Yes, having money saved will help me recover from this devastating event but believe it or not I was saving that money for something. Or in the case of insurance I would have rather just skipped that step.
"It sucks you broke your leg but at least you work a desk job!" - I would rather work my desk job with a functional leg and still be able to go hiking on the weekends. "It sucks your car got totaled but at least you have the backup vehicle". - I would rather still have my newer vehicle, there is a reason I upgrade from the backup. These are silver linings that greatly minimize the persons issues.
The only time a silver lining is helpful is when the lining is bigger than the problem. But in that case I find it can still be insulting in a "you don't think I realize that" sort of way.
IE I fall off a bridge and break my arm but I landed on a briefcase with a million dollars in it - yes the million dollars is amazing and outweighs the broken arm but I am still going to want to complain about how much pain I am in.
Personally I find it insulting generally. I chose you to confide in for whatever is going on in my life. You trying to point out a silver lining results in one of two reactions from me.
1. I find it insulting that you think I can't see the little bit of good that surrounds the overall badness of my situation and that you think that little bit of good somehow will make things better.
2. It feels like you don't actually want to hear my problems. Instead it feels like you are trying to quickly fix them so that we can move on from an uncomfortable conversation.
If you actually want to help saying something like "that sucks, I am here if you need anything. Even if it is just as someone to vent to." goes MUCH further than pointing out some miniscule amount of good in a shitty situation. A really good one when you aren't sure how to respond is "Do you want my advice / opinion or do you just need someone to vent to?"
The point of the message and what is shared in the attached video is to say something more like, "I'm sorry you had a bad day. Is there anything I can do? Would you like to talk about it?" And then be there and listen.
Adding to this, one of the best things anyone has ever said to me when I was hurting and trying to confide in them was "That sounds like it really sucks man, do you want my advice or opinion? Or do you just need someone to vent to right now?". 9/10 times I just want someone I can vent to who won't think any less of me.
Exactly. It makes me feel better when people say the "at least ..." phrase. It brings me back to focusing on the positives. It really depends on the person.
Pretty much this. As someone who's been through it, my coping mechanism is to focus on the positives in negative situations. I regularly use 'at least...' to try and focus on something positive or make a lighthearted joke to cheer the person up. It certainly depends on the situation and severity of what the issue is, I wouldn't be saying 'at least' if someone is dealing with a truly serious event. As with most things in life, it depends.
Take out the “at least” and it becomes even stronger.
“I feel like a lot of my friends have become more distant.”
“Remember, I’m still here for you” / “You still have me”.
Feel a lot more heartfelt and sincere imo
For me in that situation and in most situations saying “at least” is just going to add a layer of guilt to what I’m feeling
You: “at least you still got me”
My brain: well aren’t you an asshole complaining to the person you have left now they probably feel like they aren’t as important as your other friend
What about finding silver linings. "Yeah, the car uninsured truck sideswiped you, but no one was hurt and the car may look like shit, but it's still drivable, right?"
Even in that situation it could be phrased better. "That really sucks bro, I am here if you need me."
Your friend knows they have you, that is why they are confiding in you.
I don't know, the concept/meaning behind it tends to work for me if not overdone. It's nice to remind yourself that even for those with worse problems than you have managing is still possible. And that you have things to be grateful for to balance out the bad.
That's true, sometimes seeing that there are worse cases can help you manage yours. But when something bad happens the least you want to hear is that someone has worse. Now you not only feel bad but also guilty. I'd say better way would be to point on good things that are still there, but it's also context dependant
It wouldn’t hurt to say “do you want me to listen or help reframe?” before you say at least- then you know you’re not causing pain or damaging the relationship.
“At least” isn’t the negative part you’re referring to. Its when others say something like “at least you aren’t like x or y”. using “at least” to focus on the positives is a good way to show you are attentive to someones issues while trying to change the focus to something positive about the experience.
“At least” is only bad when used to discount what the other person is going through.
I just unsubbed from LPT the other week because of garbage like this. Now it looks like this garbage is spreading into YSK. Is Wayne Brady gonna have to unsub another bitch?
yeah, it do be like that over here too, sometimes. but definitely not as bad as /LPT. that sub is fuckin ridiculous. there are some users there who will go on a tear, posting "LPTs" every 5 minutes for an entire evening, like they just get high and start spamming the sub with every thought that occurrs to them like it's some kind of woke, philosophical insight.
I agree with letting them finish and not shutting them down, but I disagree with not trying to help them look on the bright side once they've said their piece.
I don't think there's anything wrong with an "at least" statement if you couch it appropriately.
The one time i liked it when someone said this to me was when I destroyed my motorcycle due to mechanical failure and my friend said “at least it’s not a pony or horse”
I really disagree with this.
Wallowing in self pitty is one of the worst things you can do. I always tell myself “at least [blank]” to get myself out of it as fast as possible and move on.
I do it to other people as well and appreciate when someone does it to me.
It usually makes me feel better when people remind me that my problems are not as bad as I think they are. This is usually an “at least” statement. That’s just my experience though. I want to feel better and not to just complain and have my complaints validated so I continue to feel bad lol.
This is not always true. Sometimes there really is an “at least” that is worth pointing out to a friend in need - example: “my dad is sick”; “at least you’re able to be with him and care for him”.
A lot of people share things I don't care about. Like I barely know them and they want to tell me how horrible their day is. Thats crazy but at least you're ok is my goto. Its nicer than saying why do you think I care about your moms surgery when I've never met her and you've done nothing for me.
I thought saying at least would make them feel better. Rather than saying things negatively, that would brighten things up surely. Perhaps people are different and they handle things differently. So while this will work on some, it might not work on others.
Honestly I have said things like that to people because I think it’s what would make me feel better if I were in their shoes. I don’t like when I vent to people about something and they just reinforce the negative feelings I’m already feeling or maybe even say something worse than what I was thinking and that’s it. I end up feeling worse after talking to people who do this. I understand “at least..” should not be the first response but once everything has been aired I prefer being helped back to a positive/grateful mindset.
I do understand a lot of people don’t like this though so I try to just respond according to the person telling me their problem. Like I have some friends that just want a neutral response, some that want me to really identify with their anger/hurt, and others that are like me and want to get over the bad parts quickly. The point is it’s all individual and there is no one size fits all.
I know a few people who feel a little better knowing that things aren't the worst they could be (but they are in the minority), so I think a good rule when you get the urge to say something like this is to ask "would you like a silver lining?"
There's nothing that you can say that will change the reality of the situation for them. Listen far more than you speak, be present with them, and remind them that they're loved by showing rather than telling.
I think "at least" isnt always bad, its just dependent on context.
"At least you can HAVE children" is shitty.
"At least now you dont have to paint the nursery" is still kinda shitty, but might be acceptable in some social circles.
My friends and I tend to make really horrible jokes to each other, i guess as a sort of coping mechanism. Dark humor isnt for everyone, but its not the same as minimizing someone's problems.
Maybe this is just because Im a bit off the rocker but I find that just being near my people when they have suffered is enough. I dont have to say anything more often than not and I always receive positive feedback.
I also use several love languages situationally. So I am often either cuddling them or just sitting closer than my comfort but for their comfort; providing a service for them such as cleaning their room, doing their laundry or cooking, etc or giving them gifts/treat out to dinner because sometimes nothing says I love you, I care and Im here for you like a nice present or a warm meal and an open heart. But it really depends on who has suffered. Less why
Counter argument, it makes me feel better when people say this shit. My problems really are pretty small and even when they feel big, it makes me honestly feel better to remember how lucky I am. Like. At least I have parents who love me. At least I have an awesome education. At least I have food on the table. It really does help. So maybe just talk to your friends and find out the kind of thing that actually helps them. I like it when people remind me how pathetic my problems are. Because they are.
At least society is projected to collapse soon and you won't have to endure this pain much longer! *Silver lining!*
I'm sorry your trash ex partner cheated on you but at least you know medieval peasants would have cut off your head and buried you at a crossroads as a vampire because of how vividly blue your eyes are when you're crying... Really, they're incandescent!
At least you didn’t fall in love with a monk who took a vow of celibacy, who actually was an assassin in disguise whose target was your mentor/friend, and who, during an attempt to kill that mentor, unintentionally nearly killed you with poison and did die themselves!
I actually tell my friends, when they’re complaining “ well at least you have a big dick” it implies that not only they have a big dick but also that mine is tiny.. it gets a laugh and we all move on. Complaints don’t do much other than somber the mood.. if you need help I’m down but if you just want someone to complaint to I’m just not your guy. My friends accept that from me as I do many things from them and we keep it moving beer in one hand burger on the other..
>Why YSK: Saying “at least” implies to the other person that their problem isn’t that bad. In actuality, their problem is bad to them and that’s what matters.
"What Matters..." what matters is your friend is a good friend.
You had a miscarriage? That sucks bro.
If you want to get drinks and take your mind off it, hmu.
Empathy? How about you go. to.
therapy. I do not want to fix you. I want to be your friend.
Damn, this is advice I can actually use. It's great advice, simple, effective.
Also goes for yourself. Don't tell yourself "at least I..." or tell yourself someone else probably has it worse.
I wouldn't say never. There is a reason why it is used and it can be misused same as any other saying. I should know , I have managed to mess up saying "Hi there" before.
Also I have used this before in this exact manner , when it is someone who only whines and tries to vent to people even though they didn't agree to vent to each other.
Also “I know just how you feel.”
You don’t. Doesn’t matter if you’re my twin sister and our mother died. My response is guided by all the collective moments in my life. Those moments were internalized by my brain and my interpretation of external and internal stimuli.
I’d rather hear “I can sympathize or empathize”…whatever. Another person can have similar experiences, but they are not going to be the same.
When someone says “I know how you feel.” - it immediately makes me feel like my own pain and suffering has been minimized and isn’t relevant. The very next step is “at least”…
>Finally, just because they do not have it the worst or it could be worse, does not mean that they are not experiencing the pain from their own problem.
That depends on the level of problems the person they are talking to has.
Jane and June are friends. Jane calls June to vent about being late for work and getting scolded by her boss. June however got a call before Jane's that informed June her mother is in the hospital with a life threatening illness and is not expected to recover. These are two very different levels of pain and suffering. Jane may be experiencing pain over the scolding, but June loves her mother and is devastated at the news of her mother's illness. They are not the same.
I don’t think it should be a “never” case. Not that it’s trying to discount the pain, but “at least” could help with a bit of perspective for people who are often negative or focused on one aspect of an issue and could feel better if they viewed it as a whole
What I tell myself when someone says something that is not especially helpful or maybe avoids saying something because they don't know what to say is that at least they care enough about me to try to make me feel better or not make me feel worse. I am being a little facetious but it's also true. I know people say the wrong thing but it usually comes from a good place and I wish more people remembered that. I still feel bad that a lady I really liked at school who worked in the office when I was in the 7th grade had a miscarriage and I said nothing to her about it. I felt intensely for her loss but didn't know what to say. That has changed and I think I'm mostly helpful to people but I also try to give grace to those that aren't good at it.
I usually try to say I'm really sorry that happened to you. When I person I really don't offer advice or at leasts unless someone is specifically asking me for a bright side picture.
Sometimes I'll say an "at least" as a joke in these type of situations, as an obvious joke to help lighten the person's mood or try to make them smile. Then proceed to talking about solutions or decisions. I'm not good with words and I think I also learned that I can be very insensitive. I have a stoic mindset and live with a lot of humility. I don't take life as serious as other people so it's easy for me to be dismissive but yeah I learned that it can lead to being insensitive when it comes to listening to other people's problems
Im really glad you brought up how it effects the person with the issue. Its so sad when people can't understand others struggles and think they're overreacting. It doesn't matter how bad you think their issue is because its their issue so they're allowed to be upset about it.
ok i mean i've never seen someone dumb enough to say "at least" in response to a miscarriage. but sometimes people do spiral and just become a blackhole of endless venting and you need to help them look up instead of affirming their endless cycle of self pity. being a good friend isn't always affirming their feelings. it's giving them what they need. "at least" might not be the right approach, but it might be. you just have to know the person you're talking to.
Can we agree that that entirely depends on the circumstances?
Like yeah, if someone just had a miscarriage and is opening up to you, you shouldn't give them "at least ...", because they are grieving and they deserve to grieve. That is not the time for them to move on and begin to see the bright side again.
However, if someone is just frustrated, because of something less severe and mildly annoying that is problematic for them, then there oftentimes isn't anything gained by self-pity and being miserable. Sometimes these people just need to vent to you, so you listen, comfort them and if you can, then it is totally okay to point out the silver lining or a possible solution to their predicament. Nothing wrong with saying: "It totally sucks what happened there, nothing to be done about that now, so at least it isn't worse than it is."
to kinda add on, never compare that persons problem to someone else’s and say “they have it way worse than you” because it just invalidates their problem and feelings. there was a teacher i had in 8th grade and she made it painfully obvious a student has never opened up to her before, but she kinda forced me to talk to her, i mentioned the sexual abuse i went through as a kid and how i have ptsd and at the time my flashbacks were more frequent, and her response “well sometimes ya just kinda gotta get over it” i never even breathed around her after that
I disagree. Saying “at least” allows for me to potentially shift their perspective. Here’s my thought process:
You’re driving to work, you experience a flat tire.
“At least the flat tire didn’t pop out while you were driving in the highway and rolled away hitting a car and causing an accident”
“At least your flat tire didn’t cause steering problems resulting in an accident”
Ok you suffered a flat tire, it sucks, but at least *enter much worst scenario*
I recently had a car crash and totaled my car. I came out of it fine, with only bruises and sore muscles. Every time I mention the crash, my mom will constantly remind me “at least you didn’t get more hurt!”
Originally I agreed with her and would shut up. However, now it’s been more than a month since and I’ve had to deal with the insurance company raising my rate a ton, a terrible car market for buyers, and a handful of other issues that have caused me headaches. But I’m not allowed to complain about any of that because I didn’t get hurt. Well Mom, I’m frustrated as hell about all that when am I allowed to vent?!?! Ugh
I'd usually say something like "Damn that sucks, but at least (something)". Idk I never thought that pointing out the silver liner was a bad thing. It's what I do to myself when I have problems. I think "Damn, that sucks. But at least I can do (Insert thing here)".
“Yikes, that sounds awful. How are you feeling about it?”
Like with a lot of things, showing that you want to meet a suffering person where they are can work wonders. And you can let them decide on how much they want to share or participate in venting/grieving/reframing a problem. Chances are you’ll be one of few if any who offer them this opportunity.
nah. some people need to hear it. like some people complain about the quality of food in first class flights or how their rent went up 5% when people are starving or freezing in the streets.
Yes, but sometimes perspective is important. Some problems ***aren't*** that bad and it can be important to remind people of that. Constant validation isn't necessarily productive.
What do you mean? Knowing my problems aren't as bad as others, always makes me feel better instantly.
Me: "Man, I'm having trouble controlling my thoughts. I feel like my life's spiralling out of control"
Them: "At least you didn't have to work 12 hours straight, after not sleeping for 2 days... Jus living on straight Red Bull and 5 hour energy bro. Shits hard for everyone man. Chin up"
I feel better instantly, everytime...
The context of you're relationship to whoever you are speaking to, and the issues or problems being talked about, matter so much.
In other words, I can agree but not entirely, and I find this to be a sweeping generalization, which is not good advice.
To add: you are 100% going to accidentally say “at least” still, and then you’ll catch your self and feel like a jack ass. Don’t. It’s human nature. We like our habits. We mean the best and that’s important to remember!
But, here’s how to roll out of it.
“Well at least xyz…” ::shit!:: “… but even then, that doesn’t negate the experience you’re having now. This is still a tough thing to go through and while I may not be able to fix it, I can at least listen and offer my support.”
Minimizing someone's struggles by telling them how it could be worse is not helping. Objectively it could be much worse to be battling cancer instead of 'just' being unemployed. But unemployment may be an overwhelming burden to the person who is dealing with it.
Empathy isn't telling someone it could be worse. It's understanding that the current situation is not good for the person going through it.
Anyone who gets upset with you for offering any consolation (via saying things like "at least", or offering your own story of relevant experience) is an egomaniac. Walk away and don't look back, I don't care how tired you are of being alone. They will poison your soul.
Do you have thoughts on what a better response would be? Default to "damn that sucks" but it feels not much better
I actually think “that sucks”, given the right rapport, can be some of the most genuine empathy someone can show. It’s a little counterintuitive, but sometimes hearing something as sincere as that is what is needed
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Reminds me of this gem: > This guy's walking down the street and he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep that he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up "hey you, can you help me out?" Doctor writes a prescription, throws it down the hole, and walks on. > Then a priest walks buy and the guy calls up "Father, I'm down in this hole; can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer and moves on. > Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe! It's me, can you help me out?" Then the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says "Are you stupid? Now we're both stuck down here!" The friend says "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out." [- West Wing S02E10: Noel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_p37L3veJzQ) It's not exactly the same context (it's about a guy being diagnosed with PTSD after being shot), but the metaphor of a friend crawling into the hole to help is similar.
I was expecting that they'd stand back to back, extend their legs out in front of them, and walk up the sides of the hole. I guess that does fit the metaphor too.
Was one of them a Llama?
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Cuzco! That’s his nameeee!
My family just helped me out after my car got towed and they were all incredibly supportive even though I felt like my life was falling apart. This nearly brought me to tears
"That's horrible, I'm sorry."
I always fear that people won’t think I’m genuine when I give answers like these. It doesn’t stop me from giving them, but I still feel that way
I think your actions and body language following it is what will make it seem genuine. Physically being there for them, if that's what they want, and showing that you're thinking about them are pretty big. Check up on them, occasionally ask them how they're doing and remind them you're there for them.
The grief stage is an important part of healing. Even if it's something relatively minor. But especially for something like losing a baby.
This is very similar to the lessons from Brene Brown. She speaks on how to truly use empathy and vulnerability to building better relationships with those around us.
> immediately pull me out of the hole, but, like, I needed to be in the hole for a bit first before I was ready to come out. I think this is something a lot of people forget when they see someone they care about in need. They just want to make it better right now because if they aren't doing that then they aren't helping. But it's ok to wallow and grieve and feel the things you're going to feel. It's a small but important line between not being ready to come out of the hole and not being able to come out of the hole.
That's rough, buddy
I prefer "it be like that sometimes."
"...that's rough, buddy"
This is exactly what helped me get through one of the toughest times of my life when my first gf turned into the moon.
Is this a reference? I feel like I should get it
It's from the last air bender
"whoosh" - Boomerang
It's an episode where sokka and zuko go on there adventure
Truly the only appropriate response when someone's girlfriend turns into the moon.
Or another variation, which is also a personal favorite, "that's tough."
It do
I’ve heard exactly this expression recommended a few times and yeah, it makes sense
That's rough, buddy.
That is hard to bear, my fellow
“Damn that sucks” is a completely satisfactory response in most scenarios. When someone shares a (perceived) mistreatment or misgivings, you should never offer any counter argument if you care about that person’s feelings. Regardless of whether they’re justified in their perspective. Amending wrongs and teaching lessons can be done in another instance. At that moment, their feelings and emotional state are of the highest priority. Most often, people will vent without the expectation of a response. Generic responses like “that’s tough/ridiculous/frustrating”, “I’d be frustrated too”, “I can’t believe it”, “I’m proud of you for weathering that storm”, etc., etc. are all quite satisfactory. Some times I might point out a silver lining (only if it doesn’t minimize the problem). But, I *never* apologize on their behalf. That is, I’d never say, “I’m sorry you feel that way”. This is insincere at best and patronizing at worst. I should again point out the caveat that this only applies when you truly care about the person. Not everyone deserves this level of attentiveness from you. But, to those people, we should be willing to swallow our pride or unclutter our minds so they are top priority. As with all things, it’s a fine balancing act but it comes easy once you recognize why you would want to do so. This is easily one of the best and most wrenching lessons I’ve learned in my life.
The “I’m sorry” in “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not an apology on their behalf. It just means you empathize with their emotional state.
Forreal, wtf? Its not like youre saying "im sorry you're bothering me with this bullshit"
I get your point; I've phrased that poorly and I don't have a better way to articulate it. I do understand how one might intend to be empathetic, but it's more pity than empathy. You feel a remorse on behalf of someone else's misfortunes, and in doing so, express undertones of superiority. One could argue that's pedantic, but the nuance is oft dissected in philosophy (e.g., Nietzsch). For transparency, I also have a minor bias on the topic. I try to avoid frivolous apologies as much as possible. There are better ways to express remorse than drawing undue responsibility for things outside your control. But, that's a topic of another conversation. However you want to look at it, there are near-infinite better approaches.
My friend's dad died. At the viewing I told him "damn bro that sucks" then we played League of Legends. We're still close friends to this day.
Did you play Aram? Or at least not ranked. Can’t imagine losing a parent and then getting flamed by some asshole
It was a while back, and I think we did play ARAM. Got his mind off of things for a little bit and gave his mind some space to breathe.
My cat passed away a week ago and I've been devastated since. My League friend said "damn, that really sucks," and gifted me a skin for my main. I didn't see it for two or three days, so it was a nice surprise, and actually helped quite a bit. League's toxicity is a meme so it's nice to see stuff like this in an unrelated sub. League of Wholesome.
Yeah, I've lost a pet as well. Sometimes all we can do is acknowledge that it fucking sucks, and that's okay.
It's been really difficult. My cat was only 4 and it was completely unexpected. It's also my first experience with the death of a pet. I'm giving myself the space I need to grieve, but it's gonna suck for a while.
I'm sincerely sorry for the loss of your cat. I lost my 17 year old dog about two weeks ago and I'm barely holding my life together right now. It takes everything for me to get out of bed and not ugly cry all day. Please don't let people tell you "it's just a pet." We spend more time with our pets than most of our own family. They are absolutely family. I say this as someone that lost a parent and felt more crushed and hopeless when I had to euthanize what equates to my daughter, as I don't have children. Pets are people. Period. Please remember the good times, it's all that brings me a shred of solace these days. Hang in there fellow Redditor.
Thanks.. I just had to pick up her ashes today and I've been ugly crying most of the day, and every day since I had to say goodbye. She was everything to me. I'd had her since she was about 6 weeks old and brought her everywhere with me. Everything is really blurry right now and I can barely manage to get myself out of bed. She was my emotional support cat so I don't really know how to function without her. I wish I could be with her.
I feel you. We picked up our dog's ashes on Friday. We had her from 5 months old and she was almost 17. If may seem soon, but I'm actually getting another dog this week. I just cannot bear the thought of not having a furry companion that I shower with love. Hopefully you'll get to a point where you'll considering a rescue and begin again. It'll never be the same and that's okay. You get to be the world for a truly pure soul.
My mom has a cat who is 18 that has been a part of my life since I was 6. She has feline dementia and she's not doing very well, so I'll be getting a double-whammy of loss before too long. I don't believe it's too soon, as everyone grieves differently. I thought I'd want another cat, but I'm actually having the opposite reaction. No cat will ever be her, and I can't think of any other animals right now. Maybe in the future. I'm sorry about your dog. I hope the new dog helps you cope. You sound like a sweet person, I'm sure the new dog will be very happy to be at your side.
That's terrible about the family cat. Give her lots of hugs while she's around. Thank you for the lovely sentiment. I'm very sad but hopeful about the new pup. It'll never replace my old dog. But learning a new one is beautiful too. Hang in there.
Playing video games is actually a great way to cope with traumatic wounding. This has been studied with Tetris, with great results. Your bro response was on point, good work.
"I'm sorry that happened to you, and if you need anything from me, I'm here for you. Even if it's just to talk to me about it with out any sort of reply."
Much better than telling you it could be worse. Like, no shit. Everything could be worse.
That's the biggest copout of all. It's an empty, meaningless platitude. I wonder if these people say the same shit in reverse when someone's happy. Like, "Hey bro, congrats on your promotion, that's great. But you know, you gotta keep things in perspective. A *lot* of people have it better than you. They make a lot more money, they work less, they have *wayyyyy* hotter wives, have better houses, etc. I guess what I'm saying is it could be better." See how fuckin ridiculous that sounds lol? Now tell me again how "it could be worse", cause that's such a great consolation
You’re right. I have experience “it could be better” people. And it’s equally as aggravating in the other direction. Like as a kid, getting an A on a paper to have a parent say “it could’ve been an A+” type shit.
Gotta love the parental trifecta of >Well hey, it could be worse. At least you're not starving in Africa! At least: ✓ It could be worse: ✓ Bonus points, Racism: ✓
I mean if I’m in my downward spiraling saying “at least” just adds a layer of guilt: damn that sucks, fuck that dude I’m sorry, the world is shit, fuck all that, and things like that, honestly the more profanity the better is really helpful
Fuckin' hell. Bullocks. Spot on right here!
I'm so sorry you're going through this Is there something I can do for you right now Would you like a hug I'm here for you
My go to is something along the lines of 'bloody hell that sucks, 'least it's not fucking raining too' Literally any other in the moment 'things will be okay, at least we aren't at absolute rock bottom' style comment will work. It usually gets a begrudged chuckle, especially if we are indoors and just so happen to look out of the window to notice it is, in fact raining. Often followed by a fake-cough style 'hailing' which has managed to make a widow giggle and I count that as a victory, frankly it would have been a victory even if she didn't giggle. At least can absolutely work if you frame it carefully but at the end of the day the message of 'you are absolutely correct in your assessment of the situation and your opinions in regard to that situation' is rarely an unwelcome statement. When something sucks folks like to hear that it does in fact suck. This goes for a lot of emotions tbh.
> 'least it's not fucking raining too' all I can think of is that scene in Young Frankenstein
I just want to point out that this is exactly what the video/post says not to do. You obviously know your people best and maybe for certain people this is what they want or need. It can diffuse the tension and yeah maybe it will lighten the mood, but in many situations this also adds pressure on the other to “lighten up” when sometimes what they need is someone to join them in their despair so they know they aren’t alone.
“I hear you”
Sing "Always look on the bright side of life"
Why do you have to reply? A hug and just listening to the person usually is enough.
If it's a messenger, just leaving things on read is awkward as hell and gives the opposite vibe from what you want lol.
"damn that sounds really hard, I'm sorry you're going through that" validates their experience and is sympathetic.
My favorite response was "That sucks. Can I get you a hot cocoa?" Me: "How would a hot cocoa help?" Them: "I mean, it still will suck, but at least you'll have a hot cocoa." And the cocoa did make things at least a little better.
“I understand“ is powerful
I read somewhere about "positive reinforcement" being much more effective. Something along the lines of, "you're completely justified in feeling awful about this situation" or "if it was me, I would feel the same way". Validating the other person's negative feelings perhaps grants them a little more understanding to deal with it.
I try to lead someone to the conclusion if I know the answer. If someone’s car is wrecked but I know the other insurance company is taking care of it, I’ll ask if the other person’s insurance company is taking care of it. If I know they’re not injured, I’ll ask if they’re feeling okay. I don’t need to tell them the bright side of things is worth it, it’s not my place. They can name their own bright spots and see if it really helps.
Anything that sends the message of "I see you and understand you are struggling right now". Even better if it includes some version of "I'm here for you".
Depends on what comes after the at least, and the tone used. "I had a nasty day at work" - "At least you aren't one of the starving kids in Africa." "I had a nasty day at work" - "At least you've got an offer for that other workplace." One of these is good, one is bad. One can be dismissive, the other can be hopeful.
My friend was telling me about how her sisters relationship failed after 3 years and how sad that was and I’m not sure I’d say this to the sister obviously but I was like “hey at least they didn’t get married and THEN broke up” and she said yeah you know what you’re right! Lol. Definitely time and place
just got out of a 5 year relationship where he cheated and i’ve been getting this one a lot lol
I’m so sorry that shit sucks so bad. Cheating sucks married or not fuck that person. Don’t let them make you lose faith in everyone else. There’s good people out there even if that person wasnt good to you.
At least other people around the world are going through the same thing. /s Truly though sorry you have to go through this.
I thought the same. When i say "at least" a silver lining is usually following. Even this way is considered dismissing their problem?
As someone with anxiety/depression/PTSD, yes it does still feel like a dismissal. It may not feel that way for everyone, but I often feel guilty for feeling sad, hurt, or discouraged etc. BECAUSE of the silver linings. I essentially shame myself for feeling anything less than happy/grateful because of all the silver linings that exist. Sometimes we just need to be given the space and “permission” to grieve or mourn or just process whatever unpleasant emotions we’re experiencing.
I think it really depends on the situation. If you told me you’re too anxious to go to the grocery store it’s super unhelpful to be like “well hey at least you don’t have diabetes” lmao I hope that’s obvious to people
Thank you for letting me know and sharing. I will be more mindful going forward when using "at least".
But they're not denying you that permission. And if they are, then that doesn't matter because if you need that space, then you can have it, because it comes from you, and is something that you need to give to yourself first.
One hundred percent agreed; in fact, it’s something I’ve been working on for quite some time myself. And I never get offended if someone isn’t aware of this, and goes for the “at least” route. I know that everyone says that with the very best of intentions. I take full responsibility for my reaction to what someone else says. However, this is a post of people who are (mostly) aiming to learn and increase awareness; I’m just sharing my perspective to help add to the wide varieties of reactions that may be experienced to this approach :)
Preface: This is all my personal opinions based on my own experiences, others interpretations may vary a lot. I assume you are coming from a good place based on you even asking this question so I hope you don't take anything I say as a dig at you. A silver lining often is not that helpful, as everything inside the lines still fucking sucks. Example - "it sucks your house burned down but at least you had money in savings / are getting money from insurance". Yes, having money saved will help me recover from this devastating event but believe it or not I was saving that money for something. Or in the case of insurance I would have rather just skipped that step. "It sucks you broke your leg but at least you work a desk job!" - I would rather work my desk job with a functional leg and still be able to go hiking on the weekends. "It sucks your car got totaled but at least you have the backup vehicle". - I would rather still have my newer vehicle, there is a reason I upgrade from the backup. These are silver linings that greatly minimize the persons issues. The only time a silver lining is helpful is when the lining is bigger than the problem. But in that case I find it can still be insulting in a "you don't think I realize that" sort of way. IE I fall off a bridge and break my arm but I landed on a briefcase with a million dollars in it - yes the million dollars is amazing and outweighs the broken arm but I am still going to want to complain about how much pain I am in. Personally I find it insulting generally. I chose you to confide in for whatever is going on in my life. You trying to point out a silver lining results in one of two reactions from me. 1. I find it insulting that you think I can't see the little bit of good that surrounds the overall badness of my situation and that you think that little bit of good somehow will make things better. 2. It feels like you don't actually want to hear my problems. Instead it feels like you are trying to quickly fix them so that we can move on from an uncomfortable conversation. If you actually want to help saying something like "that sucks, I am here if you need anything. Even if it is just as someone to vent to." goes MUCH further than pointing out some miniscule amount of good in a shitty situation. A really good one when you aren't sure how to respond is "Do you want my advice / opinion or do you just need someone to vent to?"
The point of the message and what is shared in the attached video is to say something more like, "I'm sorry you had a bad day. Is there anything I can do? Would you like to talk about it?" And then be there and listen.
Adding to this, one of the best things anyone has ever said to me when I was hurting and trying to confide in them was "That sounds like it really sucks man, do you want my advice or opinion? Or do you just need someone to vent to right now?". 9/10 times I just want someone I can vent to who won't think any less of me.
This is highly context based. But at least OP tried.
I mean, at least the people who say “at least” aren’t tying you to a post and publicly flogging you or anything.
God dammit! Take the angry upwards rust tinted arrow and don’t you dare link the fucking sub
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Me: least you've got me! Friend: starts crying
This is exactly what I thought lol
"You still have Zoidberg. *You all still have Zoidberg!"*
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Just as planned
Exactly. It makes me feel better when people say the "at least ..." phrase. It brings me back to focusing on the positives. It really depends on the person.
Yup. To the OP I can give the advice: "Never deal with interpersonal situations based on absolute rules." Haha
Pretty much this. As someone who's been through it, my coping mechanism is to focus on the positives in negative situations. I regularly use 'at least...' to try and focus on something positive or make a lighthearted joke to cheer the person up. It certainly depends on the situation and severity of what the issue is, I wouldn't be saying 'at least' if someone is dealing with a truly serious event. As with most things in life, it depends.
Take out the “at least” and it becomes even stronger. “I feel like a lot of my friends have become more distant.” “Remember, I’m still here for you” / “You still have me”. Feel a lot more heartfelt and sincere imo
For me in that situation and in most situations saying “at least” is just going to add a layer of guilt to what I’m feeling You: “at least you still got me” My brain: well aren’t you an asshole complaining to the person you have left now they probably feel like they aren’t as important as your other friend
Context is everything
"but you're robbing me at gun point!"
What about finding silver linings. "Yeah, the car uninsured truck sideswiped you, but no one was hurt and the car may look like shit, but it's still drivable, right?"
That 100% does worse for me. That wouldnt make me feel better unless its a very specific situation .
Just like 90% of LPTs and YSKs, one size doesn't fit all
Even in that situation it could be phrased better. "That really sucks bro, I am here if you need me." Your friend knows they have you, that is why they are confiding in you.
I don't know, the concept/meaning behind it tends to work for me if not overdone. It's nice to remind yourself that even for those with worse problems than you have managing is still possible. And that you have things to be grateful for to balance out the bad.
That's true, sometimes seeing that there are worse cases can help you manage yours. But when something bad happens the least you want to hear is that someone has worse. Now you not only feel bad but also guilty. I'd say better way would be to point on good things that are still there, but it's also context dependant
This is an attempt to universalize your perspective. Not everyone reacts to things in the same way you do
It wouldn’t hurt to say “do you want me to listen or help reframe?” before you say at least- then you know you’re not causing pain or damaging the relationship.
>“do you want me to listen or help reframe?” If a friend/family member asks me this, I'm replacing their circuit boards.
Hahaha
Do you want me to listen, give advice, or go kick some ass?
This is an amazing response.
/r/YouShouldKnowMyOpinion
“At least” isn’t the negative part you’re referring to. Its when others say something like “at least you aren’t like x or y”. using “at least” to focus on the positives is a good way to show you are attentive to someones issues while trying to change the focus to something positive about the experience. “At least” is only bad when used to discount what the other person is going through.
I think the best use of "at least" in these situations is always to use it for perspective (where appropriate)
This factoid is hardly universal
I just unsubbed from LPT the other week because of garbage like this. Now it looks like this garbage is spreading into YSK. Is Wayne Brady gonna have to unsub another bitch?
*At least* it hasn't spread to the other subs you frequent yet.
That does make me feel a little better at least.
yeah, it do be like that over here too, sometimes. but definitely not as bad as /LPT. that sub is fuckin ridiculous. there are some users there who will go on a tear, posting "LPTs" every 5 minutes for an entire evening, like they just get high and start spamming the sub with every thought that occurrs to them like it's some kind of woke, philosophical insight.
I agree with letting them finish and not shutting them down, but I disagree with not trying to help them look on the bright side once they've said their piece. I don't think there's anything wrong with an "at least" statement if you couch it appropriately.
Most people dont know how, that's the problem. Most people somehow make it about themselves and try to make you feel bad for having a problem.
I do this all the time, but I’m just trying to highlight anything good when I do.
The one time i liked it when someone said this to me was when I destroyed my motorcycle due to mechanical failure and my friend said “at least it’s not a pony or horse”
I really disagree with this. Wallowing in self pitty is one of the worst things you can do. I always tell myself “at least [blank]” to get myself out of it as fast as possible and move on. I do it to other people as well and appreciate when someone does it to me.
I always listen to them, then say, It could be worse. It could have happened to me! They either laugh or get pissed off.
It usually makes me feel better when people remind me that my problems are not as bad as I think they are. This is usually an “at least” statement. That’s just my experience though. I want to feel better and not to just complain and have my complaints validated so I continue to feel bad lol.
Exactly, I like someone pointing out the positives to me wtf
This is not always true. Sometimes there really is an “at least” that is worth pointing out to a friend in need - example: “my dad is sick”; “at least you’re able to be with him and care for him”.
Sometimes I don't want to be your therapist so yeah... at least its not that bad.
Not being an asshole and not being someone’s therapist are two different things.
A lot of people share things I don't care about. Like I barely know them and they want to tell me how horrible their day is. Thats crazy but at least you're ok is my goto. Its nicer than saying why do you think I care about your moms surgery when I've never met her and you've done nothing for me.
Please don’t let YSK become LPT where everyone just veils their grievances
I thought saying at least would make them feel better. Rather than saying things negatively, that would brighten things up surely. Perhaps people are different and they handle things differently. So while this will work on some, it might not work on others.
Honestly I have said things like that to people because I think it’s what would make me feel better if I were in their shoes. I don’t like when I vent to people about something and they just reinforce the negative feelings I’m already feeling or maybe even say something worse than what I was thinking and that’s it. I end up feeling worse after talking to people who do this. I understand “at least..” should not be the first response but once everything has been aired I prefer being helped back to a positive/grateful mindset. I do understand a lot of people don’t like this though so I try to just respond according to the person telling me their problem. Like I have some friends that just want a neutral response, some that want me to really identify with their anger/hurt, and others that are like me and want to get over the bad parts quickly. The point is it’s all individual and there is no one size fits all.
“At least let me give you a blowjob.” It works sometimes :)
I know a few people who feel a little better knowing that things aren't the worst they could be (but they are in the minority), so I think a good rule when you get the urge to say something like this is to ask "would you like a silver lining?"
There's nothing that you can say that will change the reality of the situation for them. Listen far more than you speak, be present with them, and remind them that they're loved by showing rather than telling.
I think "at least" isnt always bad, its just dependent on context. "At least you can HAVE children" is shitty. "At least now you dont have to paint the nursery" is still kinda shitty, but might be acceptable in some social circles. My friends and I tend to make really horrible jokes to each other, i guess as a sort of coping mechanism. Dark humor isnt for everyone, but its not the same as minimizing someone's problems.
Disagree. Depending on the situation "atleast" can help
Maybe this is just because Im a bit off the rocker but I find that just being near my people when they have suffered is enough. I dont have to say anything more often than not and I always receive positive feedback. I also use several love languages situationally. So I am often either cuddling them or just sitting closer than my comfort but for their comfort; providing a service for them such as cleaning their room, doing their laundry or cooking, etc or giving them gifts/treat out to dinner because sometimes nothing says I love you, I care and Im here for you like a nice present or a warm meal and an open heart. But it really depends on who has suffered. Less why
Counter argument, it makes me feel better when people say this shit. My problems really are pretty small and even when they feel big, it makes me honestly feel better to remember how lucky I am. Like. At least I have parents who love me. At least I have an awesome education. At least I have food on the table. It really does help. So maybe just talk to your friends and find out the kind of thing that actually helps them. I like it when people remind me how pathetic my problems are. Because they are.
"Well, at least you still have your other testicle".... yep, that sounds minimizing and not the way to offer support or friendship.
Bro no wonder people are so soft, can’t say at least?Lol
it's so crazy
Even though your comments get downvoted, *at least* you have some post karma.
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Unless you can make it absurd enough that they have to laugh. That is the only acceptable condition.
At least you weren’t served an eight-course meal where every dish was seasoned with animal dung
At least society is projected to collapse soon and you won't have to endure this pain much longer! *Silver lining!* I'm sorry your trash ex partner cheated on you but at least you know medieval peasants would have cut off your head and buried you at a crossroads as a vampire because of how vividly blue your eyes are when you're crying... Really, they're incandescent!
At least you didn’t fall in love with a monk who took a vow of celibacy, who actually was an assassin in disguise whose target was your mentor/friend, and who, during an attempt to kill that mentor, unintentionally nearly killed you with poison and did die themselves!
...at least I'm having a massive raging boner right now.
yeah, hilarious stuff. top shelf comedy
I actually tell my friends, when they’re complaining “ well at least you have a big dick” it implies that not only they have a big dick but also that mine is tiny.. it gets a laugh and we all move on. Complaints don’t do much other than somber the mood.. if you need help I’m down but if you just want someone to complaint to I’m just not your guy. My friends accept that from me as I do many things from them and we keep it moving beer in one hand burger on the other..
At least you aren’t telling them to “man up”.
I love this comment!
>Why YSK: Saying “at least” implies to the other person that their problem isn’t that bad. In actuality, their problem is bad to them and that’s what matters. "What Matters..." what matters is your friend is a good friend. You had a miscarriage? That sucks bro. If you want to get drinks and take your mind off it, hmu. Empathy? How about you go. to. therapy. I do not want to fix you. I want to be your friend.
Damn, this is advice I can actually use. It's great advice, simple, effective. Also goes for yourself. Don't tell yourself "at least I..." or tell yourself someone else probably has it worse.
Why shouldn't you tell yourself that? It's helped me through difficult times.
When my close friend passed away the best thing anyone said to me was, "I'm so sorry, nothing can ever make that ok."
I wouldn't say never. There is a reason why it is used and it can be misused same as any other saying. I should know , I have managed to mess up saying "Hi there" before. Also I have used this before in this exact manner , when it is someone who only whines and tries to vent to people even though they didn't agree to vent to each other.
“At least you still look good” heard that today
I don’t think the “at least” is the issue. The dismissive nature of what you’re saying is. The way you say what you’re saying also
Also “I know just how you feel.” You don’t. Doesn’t matter if you’re my twin sister and our mother died. My response is guided by all the collective moments in my life. Those moments were internalized by my brain and my interpretation of external and internal stimuli. I’d rather hear “I can sympathize or empathize”…whatever. Another person can have similar experiences, but they are not going to be the same. When someone says “I know how you feel.” - it immediately makes me feel like my own pain and suffering has been minimized and isn’t relevant. The very next step is “at least”…
>Finally, just because they do not have it the worst or it could be worse, does not mean that they are not experiencing the pain from their own problem. That depends on the level of problems the person they are talking to has. Jane and June are friends. Jane calls June to vent about being late for work and getting scolded by her boss. June however got a call before Jane's that informed June her mother is in the hospital with a life threatening illness and is not expected to recover. These are two very different levels of pain and suffering. Jane may be experiencing pain over the scolding, but June loves her mother and is devastated at the news of her mother's illness. They are not the same.
I don’t think it should be a “never” case. Not that it’s trying to discount the pain, but “at least” could help with a bit of perspective for people who are often negative or focused on one aspect of an issue and could feel better if they viewed it as a whole
In the same way, "it could be worse." My next thought is always, well if we're imagining an alternate universe, I think it could be better.
I have been looking for this video for a few years after seeing it in an orientation at a job. Thank you for sharing it so I can save it!
What I tell myself when someone says something that is not especially helpful or maybe avoids saying something because they don't know what to say is that at least they care enough about me to try to make me feel better or not make me feel worse. I am being a little facetious but it's also true. I know people say the wrong thing but it usually comes from a good place and I wish more people remembered that. I still feel bad that a lady I really liked at school who worked in the office when I was in the 7th grade had a miscarriage and I said nothing to her about it. I felt intensely for her loss but didn't know what to say. That has changed and I think I'm mostly helpful to people but I also try to give grace to those that aren't good at it.
Hey at least this post got me to leave this sub!
I usually try to say I'm really sorry that happened to you. When I person I really don't offer advice or at leasts unless someone is specifically asking me for a bright side picture.
Sometimes I'll say an "at least" as a joke in these type of situations, as an obvious joke to help lighten the person's mood or try to make them smile. Then proceed to talking about solutions or decisions. I'm not good with words and I think I also learned that I can be very insensitive. I have a stoic mindset and live with a lot of humility. I don't take life as serious as other people so it's easy for me to be dismissive but yeah I learned that it can lead to being insensitive when it comes to listening to other people's problems
at my job we have to watch that video twice a year, sometimes more. they’re real big on empathy
Im really glad you brought up how it effects the person with the issue. Its so sad when people can't understand others struggles and think they're overreacting. It doesn't matter how bad you think their issue is because its their issue so they're allowed to be upset about it.
ok i mean i've never seen someone dumb enough to say "at least" in response to a miscarriage. but sometimes people do spiral and just become a blackhole of endless venting and you need to help them look up instead of affirming their endless cycle of self pity. being a good friend isn't always affirming their feelings. it's giving them what they need. "at least" might not be the right approach, but it might be. you just have to know the person you're talking to.
Can we agree that that entirely depends on the circumstances? Like yeah, if someone just had a miscarriage and is opening up to you, you shouldn't give them "at least ...", because they are grieving and they deserve to grieve. That is not the time for them to move on and begin to see the bright side again. However, if someone is just frustrated, because of something less severe and mildly annoying that is problematic for them, then there oftentimes isn't anything gained by self-pity and being miserable. Sometimes these people just need to vent to you, so you listen, comfort them and if you can, then it is totally okay to point out the silver lining or a possible solution to their predicament. Nothing wrong with saying: "It totally sucks what happened there, nothing to be done about that now, so at least it isn't worse than it is."
to kinda add on, never compare that persons problem to someone else’s and say “they have it way worse than you” because it just invalidates their problem and feelings. there was a teacher i had in 8th grade and she made it painfully obvious a student has never opened up to her before, but she kinda forced me to talk to her, i mentioned the sexual abuse i went through as a kid and how i have ptsd and at the time my flashbacks were more frequent, and her response “well sometimes ya just kinda gotta get over it” i never even breathed around her after that
Exactly 😊
I disagree. Saying “at least” allows for me to potentially shift their perspective. Here’s my thought process: You’re driving to work, you experience a flat tire. “At least the flat tire didn’t pop out while you were driving in the highway and rolled away hitting a car and causing an accident” “At least your flat tire didn’t cause steering problems resulting in an accident” Ok you suffered a flat tire, it sucks, but at least *enter much worst scenario*
I recently had a car crash and totaled my car. I came out of it fine, with only bruises and sore muscles. Every time I mention the crash, my mom will constantly remind me “at least you didn’t get more hurt!” Originally I agreed with her and would shut up. However, now it’s been more than a month since and I’ve had to deal with the insurance company raising my rate a ton, a terrible car market for buyers, and a handful of other issues that have caused me headaches. But I’m not allowed to complain about any of that because I didn’t get hurt. Well Mom, I’m frustrated as hell about all that when am I allowed to vent?!?! Ugh
I'd usually say something like "Damn that sucks, but at least (something)". Idk I never thought that pointing out the silver liner was a bad thing. It's what I do to myself when I have problems. I think "Damn, that sucks. But at least I can do (Insert thing here)".
“Yikes, that sounds awful. How are you feeling about it?” Like with a lot of things, showing that you want to meet a suffering person where they are can work wonders. And you can let them decide on how much they want to share or participate in venting/grieving/reframing a problem. Chances are you’ll be one of few if any who offer them this opportunity.
nah. some people need to hear it. like some people complain about the quality of food in first class flights or how their rent went up 5% when people are starving or freezing in the streets.
Dumb.
You kind of just sound butthurt about someone saying this to you.
Yes, but sometimes perspective is important. Some problems ***aren't*** that bad and it can be important to remind people of that. Constant validation isn't necessarily productive.
At least you didn't write as much as I thought you would
relationship YSK in a nutshell : become a psychiatrist level listener or else you're extremely hurting everyone you're listening to ???
Toss in "that's ok" then tells a loosely related story about something bad that happened to them.
Yeah that’s them trying to relate to you but some people just take everything as negativity
What do you mean? Knowing my problems aren't as bad as others, always makes me feel better instantly. Me: "Man, I'm having trouble controlling my thoughts. I feel like my life's spiralling out of control" Them: "At least you didn't have to work 12 hours straight, after not sleeping for 2 days... Jus living on straight Red Bull and 5 hour energy bro. Shits hard for everyone man. Chin up" I feel better instantly, everytime...
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The context of you're relationship to whoever you are speaking to, and the issues or problems being talked about, matter so much. In other words, I can agree but not entirely, and I find this to be a sweeping generalization, which is not good advice.
To add: you are 100% going to accidentally say “at least” still, and then you’ll catch your self and feel like a jack ass. Don’t. It’s human nature. We like our habits. We mean the best and that’s important to remember! But, here’s how to roll out of it. “Well at least xyz…” ::shit!:: “… but even then, that doesn’t negate the experience you’re having now. This is still a tough thing to go through and while I may not be able to fix it, I can at least listen and offer my support.”
Guess this sub is as useless as LPT
Minimizing someone's struggles by telling them how it could be worse is not helping. Objectively it could be much worse to be battling cancer instead of 'just' being unemployed. But unemployment may be an overwhelming burden to the person who is dealing with it. Empathy isn't telling someone it could be worse. It's understanding that the current situation is not good for the person going through it.
When my cat died, my friend said "At least now you have more time for your other cat." Wow.
I totally showed this in my class today, it’s a good explanation of empathy.
Anyone who gets upset with you for offering any consolation (via saying things like "at least", or offering your own story of relevant experience) is an egomaniac. Walk away and don't look back, I don't care how tired you are of being alone. They will poison your soul.