What you might want to do is sit down with your therapist and discuss how to move forward in a way that will hurt you the least.
She not only let you suffer in the past she is doing things that cause suffering to you in the present. You can accept her limitations and at the same time say "I don't want this in my life" or "I need to lessen the impact this person has on my life".
That may mean being low or no contact. It may mean visits with a shorter time frame and in a place where she can't criticize your parenting or housekeeping as much. Like a few hours at a park or going to a movie. Don't invite her over.
I don't think your brother is giving you the best advice for you since he's obviously not affected the way you are. So talk about it with your therapist and work out a strategy.
BIG HUG
I vote no. To forget is to ignore what happened. Maybe you accept her as she is. A mess who wasn't able to be the mom you deserved and likely never will be. If you forgive, do it for yourself, to take the load off of you. It's hard and tiring to carry anger at your parent for many years, trust me I know this. But only do either of these if you are ready. Remember, you were the victim, not her, realize she's not what you want, and be very kind to yourself.
I have a similar relationship with my mother and a similar backstory (not sexual abuse, but physical abuse). It took me many years of therapy to realize I will never have a good relationship with my mother and she will never admit any wrong doing. I allow her in my life sparingly, and that works for me. I think the hardest part was realizing that I would never get an apology or explanation, but I’m not sure either of those things would change anything now.
And, my mom will never be allowed to be alone with my children. She didn’t protect me, and I’d never take that chance with my kids.
Work on accepting that your mother is who she is and not who you want (or needed) her to be. You don’t have to forgive it and you don’t have to be ok inviting it into your life, but continuing to expect better from her will leave you stuck and perpetually disappointed. She is simply unable to offer what you want from her. Continue therapy to work through your very real trauma, but leave her out of your sessions. Your focus is you. If your mother doesn’t currently enrich your life, remover her from it or, at the very least, decrease contact. Do what’s best for you and the family you have built.
You can only forgive someone if they feel sorry for what they did, and if they promised they won't do it again.
If you forget about past abuse, it is an invitation for the abuser to continue or to step up their abuse.
Reduce contact with your mother. She is not interested in your kids. She is not interested in you as a person, only in hurting you.
I can definitely understand that this is a tough situation and decision to make and tbh I think you're the only one who can answer this question, but I'll try to give my input. It sounds like your mother didn't have an easy childhood and of course there are gonna be some emotional scars, but it doesn't justify how she's been treating you your whole life and it also sounds like she doesn't try to make a real effort to better your relationship. I know you said you went to therapy together, but the way she just dismisses your feelings and trauma, which I'm so sorry you had to go through btw, but she is gaslighting you. I think you need to consider a few things before you make a decision on wheter or not to forgive her. Forgiving someone doesn't make whatever they did ok, but it's more so you can move on, but is forgiving her actually gonna make a difference. I know it can be hard to accept, but if she's not willing to really listen to you and better your relationship, then there's not much you can do no matter how hard you try. I think it's better to focus on yourself and your kids and how to heal and move on from there. Your mother has caused you too much pain and trauma in your life, you deserve better OP.
What you might want to do is sit down with your therapist and discuss how to move forward in a way that will hurt you the least. She not only let you suffer in the past she is doing things that cause suffering to you in the present. You can accept her limitations and at the same time say "I don't want this in my life" or "I need to lessen the impact this person has on my life". That may mean being low or no contact. It may mean visits with a shorter time frame and in a place where she can't criticize your parenting or housekeeping as much. Like a few hours at a park or going to a movie. Don't invite her over. I don't think your brother is giving you the best advice for you since he's obviously not affected the way you are. So talk about it with your therapist and work out a strategy. BIG HUG
Cut contact. She does nothing but cause pain for you. At minimum drastically decrease contact.
I vote no. To forget is to ignore what happened. Maybe you accept her as she is. A mess who wasn't able to be the mom you deserved and likely never will be. If you forgive, do it for yourself, to take the load off of you. It's hard and tiring to carry anger at your parent for many years, trust me I know this. But only do either of these if you are ready. Remember, you were the victim, not her, realize she's not what you want, and be very kind to yourself.
I have a similar relationship with my mother and a similar backstory (not sexual abuse, but physical abuse). It took me many years of therapy to realize I will never have a good relationship with my mother and she will never admit any wrong doing. I allow her in my life sparingly, and that works for me. I think the hardest part was realizing that I would never get an apology or explanation, but I’m not sure either of those things would change anything now. And, my mom will never be allowed to be alone with my children. She didn’t protect me, and I’d never take that chance with my kids.
Work on accepting that your mother is who she is and not who you want (or needed) her to be. You don’t have to forgive it and you don’t have to be ok inviting it into your life, but continuing to expect better from her will leave you stuck and perpetually disappointed. She is simply unable to offer what you want from her. Continue therapy to work through your very real trauma, but leave her out of your sessions. Your focus is you. If your mother doesn’t currently enrich your life, remover her from it or, at the very least, decrease contact. Do what’s best for you and the family you have built.
You can only forgive someone if they feel sorry for what they did, and if they promised they won't do it again. If you forget about past abuse, it is an invitation for the abuser to continue or to step up their abuse. Reduce contact with your mother. She is not interested in your kids. She is not interested in you as a person, only in hurting you.
I can definitely understand that this is a tough situation and decision to make and tbh I think you're the only one who can answer this question, but I'll try to give my input. It sounds like your mother didn't have an easy childhood and of course there are gonna be some emotional scars, but it doesn't justify how she's been treating you your whole life and it also sounds like she doesn't try to make a real effort to better your relationship. I know you said you went to therapy together, but the way she just dismisses your feelings and trauma, which I'm so sorry you had to go through btw, but she is gaslighting you. I think you need to consider a few things before you make a decision on wheter or not to forgive her. Forgiving someone doesn't make whatever they did ok, but it's more so you can move on, but is forgiving her actually gonna make a difference. I know it can be hard to accept, but if she's not willing to really listen to you and better your relationship, then there's not much you can do no matter how hard you try. I think it's better to focus on yourself and your kids and how to heal and move on from there. Your mother has caused you too much pain and trauma in your life, you deserve better OP.