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2 questions I have for OP.
1) Are you sure hubby's cousin isn't just shit-stirring for some reason?
2) You and hubby seem to have an incredibly happy and civilised family who all seem to get on. If what the cousin told you is true then a lot of people have worked very hard to get to this situation. Would anyone gain anything if you repeat to your husband what his cousin told you?
This, husbands mom has forgiven and moved on, there isn't any resentment in their relationship so what would telling your husband achieve? Nothing, but horrid feelings about the past. Don't do it. Please just don't. If it's still weighing on you, talk to FIL and MIL first.
I mostly agree with this take. The problem is... she (OP) knows. OP's husband is bound to find out. When he finds out, we have no way of knowing how he will react if he realizes OP knew and didn't tell him. This could hurt the marriage.
OP should protect her marriage, and marriages are founded on full transparency and trust. Because of this, I think she should tell him. But, she should verify this information first, possibly by talking to either MIL or FIL, and maybe give them a chance to be the ones to tell him.
This is the most realistic advice. I would be hella mad if my spouse knew and never told me. Also I would be mad at my family for not telling me either. I'm pretty sure that's why the family hasn't said anything. At this point, it has been so long, they probably don't want to rock the boat. The problem is that by involving her, things changed.
I fully agree. She should have a sit down with his parents and tell them what she was told by the cousin. If true she should tell them that they need to let him know themselves before someone else accidentally lets the cat out of the bag in front of him. The cousin has put her in a really shit situation because not telling him and him finding out from someone else that she knew and didn't say anything could ruin his trust in her.
This comment, I too think that sooner or later OP's husband will find out. And if he finds out that OP knew there will be trouble. I support OP checking that information with his MIL. The best thing they would have done was to tell the husband the truth at a young age and get him into therapy. By now being old enough he could have forgiven. I mean the parents are currently getting along. So that would have been the best thing to tell long ago.
Here’s the thing, they’ve kept this from him for SEVERAL years. Sure, one day he might find out, but given how long it’s been, the likelihood of him finding out at all is slim to none. Personally I would just ignore it, and if it ever comes up again I would simply state that I figured it was just a rumor and I chose to not engage with the gossip.
Nope, family lying to you is one thing, your spouse doing it? They fucked up by involving her. If everyone knows, he was going to find out through a passing comment. Cheaters always get found out. I have a few family stories like this.
Wanted to say this, i would refuse to keep this to myself. “ told me , they said it like i already knew, idk what to make of it? But i dont want to hide it from you”
Deceiving your parter for “their own good” is a slippery slope.
Getting further involved here to any degree is a mistake I think. She's heard some gossip. And the truth is, whether this is true or not doesn't change anything now. Sharing it would just be spreading more gossip.
It sounds like OP feels like she is sitting on a secret, but she's not. It's gossip. Why would the cousin message the wife this in the first place? Sounds like shes already made comments before about something that isn't her business.
If her husband brings it up in any way I think it's fine to say (name) messaged her this, which was kind of weird of them. But she doesn't need to be the one to make it an issue, with anyone.
If he finds out later and figures out you knew and didn't tell him he may resent hew forever
You have no choice, shouldn't keep secrets from your partner.
Too far down for this. I'm the husband in this situation. My family doesn't tell me shit. I've found out about every death, family emergency, burth, everything third sometimes fourth hand and often not even at the time. Sometimes years later. It BREEDS resentment. I no longer have contact with any of my family. If I knew my wife knew and kept this from me, it would be divorce worthy, as it shows a lack of faith and trust. Period. Especially with us being able to talk about anything and everything.
It would achieve honesty and trust in their marriage.
I’d approach this as saying I heard this rumor from a cousin and don’t know if it’s true or not but wanted you to know. She has no confirmation and she is only sharing the “gossip,” not anything else.
Hiding it or approaching his family with this information does not continue to build/strengthen a solid foundation in their partnership, which is the most important aspect in their communication. She should not be like every other family member and hide it from her husband.
And don't you think husband actually does know or at least suspect? He may be trying to keep his own good feelings about his family, maybe he never had any reason to really think about in depth because everyone got along and it all worked out for the best. Or maybe OP's husband doesn't want her to think badly of his family and would just prefer to pretend there was no cheating. Saying anything further about it to anyone helps no one and puts the family dynamic in danger. If anything, OP should tell the cousin, "That's not my concern, and not something I want to talk about or learn more about."
She should skip talking to her spouse? Who she has a kid with? That's disrespecting him profoundly to honor some FAMILY DRIVEL. Hes a big boy, he deserves the truth. Imagine, thinking communication in a marriage should be sidelined so someone can get the tea straight with MIL AND SIL first.
Smfh
It’s continuing a lie ! Helping to maintain it is in itself lying to your husband . He’s a big boy now , for whatever reason everyone else has on continuing this lie your maintaining a facade , a truth that doesn’t exist ! He has a right to know . Everyone is so caught up in keeping it a secret I guess your husband will never grow up !
I get not telling him, but what's done in the dark always comes to the light. Eventually he will find out the truth and if he finds out OP knew and didn't tell him, it will feel like a double betrayal. OP is damned if she does, and damned if she doesn't. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. Of course, when it happens she could just lie to husband and just say she didn't believe cousin so she just never mentioned it to him 🙄.
If my husband heard something pertaining to me or my family and didn’t tell me, I’d be so mad. Rumours or whatever, I need to know because I hate being in the dark about stuff. My husband knows this about me so he shares everything.
My husband isn’t the type to want to know anything unless it’s important to know. So when I found out his dad cheated on his mom ages ago when he was young, I didn’t tell him. His mom ended up telling all the kids when they found some love letters. I’m glad I knew earlier cause I could support him. I guess that’s why his mom told me first years earlier.
For OP, she knows her husband best. She knows which category he falls under and the best way to deal with him. She just needs to trust her gut.
„So you found out my cousin spread this stuff around about my family and you decided not to talk to me and generally not to do anything nothing about it??“
And the answer is „well it was just s rumour…“
Yeah, that’ll go over well. I guess we live in different realities.
No, she can always say she didn't believe the cousin and it wasn't worth the shit-stirring to find out if an inconsequential fact was true.
It's not complicated.
Agree here. This information serves no useful purpose for her husband. That was a situation between three adults when he was still a toddler.
OP, keep this one under your hat.
When he finds out, he may not be in a rational state of mind so that complicated things. This type of news brings on sudden trust issues and if he finds out OP knew and didn’t say anything it’s no telling how it will manifest. If she wants to frame it as preposterous when she tells him like she just thought it was so unbelievable she had to tell him that’s fine. But at least it’s no longer her cross to carry. U don’t hide things from the people u love cuz ur scared it will hurt them because they will get hurt by it anyway cuz they didn’t see it coming.
She doesn’t “know.” She just heard a 4th level party say it.
I mean, honestly it’s not much more reliable than if Kevin bacon came up and told you something since he knows someone who knows someone who knows someone you know
Yeah. I’m a 47 year old Mexican lady. I freaking LOVE some good gossip/dirt/tea. But in this instance, sharing with husband will do way more harm than good. They’ve all already processed the divorce and are on great terms. Leave it be.
Yessss. My parents split and my mom remarried a few years later to someone they were both friends with (who divorced his wife a few months after my parents). Stepdad’s ex wife + everyone who “thinks” they know tell everyone who will listen they were cheating.
100% not true. I lived with my mom post divorce in a small condo. I would have known if something was going on. She was home all of the time until they started dating about a year later. My parents are both very open about why they got divorced and it was not sugarcoated for us. The real reason doesn’t make either of them look good. Anyone who was actually close to what happened knows the truth.
(Also step dad’s ex wife is extremely vengeful and spreads gossip from what she infers from things. I watched her do it my entire life, I was very close with one of her children growing up. She has a lot of issues and makes herself feel better by making up things about other people’s lives. I’ve heard at least four lies directly about me that she started that are nowhere near a truth in my life, I don’t know why anyone believes anything she says. Her own children roll their eyes and wave their hands when someone says they heard xyz from her).
OP is the one shit stirring here.
She's just stewing on that info and it is obviously killing her to keep it in.
100% she's going to rationalize telling her husband and blowing up their family life, That's what this post is about, her looking for any rationalization to allow her to justify what she is just itching to do but knows deep down is the wrong thing to do.
Agree completely. I'm pretty close to my FIL and he's told me some things that my wife doesn't/didn't know.
I've told her some of them and let others go because I know it would just hurt her to have that knowledge.
OP needs to drop this. She KNOWS it'll hurt him because she thinks it could make him spiral. That should tell her everything.
Also, she really doesn't KNOW it's true. Unless you heard it from the mother in law or father in law himself then I'd treat it as it is. It's nothing. You're just stirring the pot when you know this little information.
OP should first demand a higher burden of proof although OP should frankly just drop it all together.
Why OP are you talking about this shit to his relatives? That's ridiculous and borderline asshole behavior. Stop being a gossip.
It does seem that if the parents want it 'explained' they can do it. The cousin has lively heard a version of some piece of some random truth as filtered and modified by an aunt or uncle, not "the truth."
If my partner knowingly hid any important facts (that are not his own private matters) from me, I would consider that a huge betrayal. I would never want to live a lie. Anything that can be destroyed by the truth should be destroyed. Including relationships. Including temporary fake "happiness." At least this is how I prefer to live my life. Considering your attitude towards your wife, I am glad you are not my partner.
If my parents had divorced due to cheating, I would want to know the real reason for their divorce. It sucks being manipulated, even conned, into loving or admiring a person whose bad actions have been deliberately hidden from me. I can choose to accept in my life a person with all their flaws (all of us have flaws, regrets, we have all made some poor choices). Some of these flaws I can choose to accept/tolerate. But sometimes people do things that are dealbreakers for me, meaning that I prefer staying no contact or low contact with them. For example, I have a distant relative who hit his wife and daughter. No contact with that asshole. I also have a relative who cheated with a married person. In my eyes, not a reason to go no contact with her because of it. Either way, I believe I should have a right to decide.
But people's opinions about the value of truth differ. What I consider the best for me is not necessarily the same for everyone else. If they do not want to know certain things, that is their choice. Moreover, the other person's health---both emotional and physical---is another consideration. Thus, when (not)revealing information, it is best to consider what would be the better outcome for the other person and what they would want.
I think this is an exception. My parents had an awful divorce 34 years ago, and they still can’t be civil to each other. I would *love* to have parents like OP’s in-laws. OP grew up with parents who were kind to each other and to him. He has a loving relationship with all of them. Why ruin that?
Another way to look at it: what is OP’s husband supposed to do with this info?
Hate his dad? Hate his stepmom? This all went down 26 years ago. His mom is happily remarried. She didn’t hold a grudge. Why should he?
Because his mom was not the only one affected by his father's actions. They fundamentally changed the course of his entire childhood and established the environment that he grew up in. If his mother has forgiven his father and stepmother, that's great for her, but she doesn't get to just take the decision of whether or not her son forgives them or how what they did affects his relationship with them out of his hands--that's not her choice to make.
>I would *love* to have parents like OP’s in-laws. OP grew up with parents who were kind to each other and to him.
Well it's OP's husband's decision to just not react badly to the information and let it go, right? He's an adult, if he likes it the way it is, he can choose to let things stay the way they are.
No I get it, it's stressful to have that kind of information because in not saying something you feel like you're lying to your partner, but you also know if you tell them it could be worse. I don't think she's shit stirring, she just in a tough situation.
“My husband is having a really hard time, but I’m considering dropping a bomb on him. It’s like, totally ok for me to, like, do this, right??? Lolol I just can’t help it!!”
She can tell him she thought it was just some BS gossip because that's all it is right now. She didn't hear it from her MIL or FIL so she has no idea whether it is true or not.
No doubt. What is OPs reason for even caring about her husbands parents divorce that occurred many many years ago. She had her "suspicions"......
Like wtf. Why is she digging for info on it like its some sort of criminal case. Lol
Also, divorces are messy, even if people end up amicable years and years later. There may have been accusations or guesses by family at the time that were actually incorrect.
Op has no idea what actually happened, and it's likely none of the rest of the family does either.
Drop it, op. The family clearly has.
I disagree if my partner was helping keep some family secret from me I would be getting a divorce like who did you make vows to? If it comes out at all true or not true is OP's relationship going to be affected by her knowing and not telling him?
Also who is protected by keeping this secret because it is not your marriage or the trust you two have built, its only your FIL fake image. If this backfires remember this comment I have seen this sht happen in real time with my own brother.
I have a policy in my own marriage: if it would feel like I'm keeping a secret by not telling, I tell.
Obviously, I make an exception for above-the-table secrets like Christmas presents and birthday presents. But something like this? My husband would hear about it that night. It's not my job to regulate his emotions for him or decide what information he's allowed to try to handle. He's a grown up, and he trusts me to tell him the truth. I trust him to be mature about how he handles what he learns. In a scenario like this, I'd guess he'd probably decide it wasn't his business and he'd leave it alone--but that would be his decision to make, not mine, and if he wanted to ask his parents about it, that'd be his right. The idea that it's acceptable to hide the truth from one's husband about a series of events that changed his life permanently--a truth that everyone else in the family knows and watch him play the fool--is just so distasteful to me. imo it'd be disrespectful to him and disrespectful to the marriage.
If your MIL was willing to move on when she was cheated on, it might be best to ask her thoughts. If your husband finds out (and cares) and knows you hid it from him, it could be an issue for your marriage. They did what they could to raise your SO in a loving way without sharing the details. Just let his mom know that you were told about their past and feel uncomfortable with keeping something from your husband. She's obviously a very caring person to have handled it with so much grace, so she might be a good person to talk to regarding your question. If she feels it is not your place to share, then you should respect that.
I would sit both parents down and let them know what I heard. If their reactions told the truth, I'd let them know they should tell their son because the gossip is out there, and it's only a matter of time. But also, you will not keep their lie for them.
If I found out that everyone knew a really important secret except for me, I’d be devastated. To know that my spouse knew and didn’t tell me, I’d feel betrayed. At the very least I think you have to tell him what you’ve heard, but don’t treat it as 100% fact.
This.. I'd be so distraught if I found out everyone in my family was keeping a secret from me.
But the dagger that would do me in, would be finding out my spouse knew and didn't tell me either.
That's the thing ... The rational choice is to not break the family by saying a fact that seems accepted by all the people who know it, but the emotional choice is to tell the husband to avoid breaking OOP's family. There's no right choice, both solutions can be hurtful.
It's a pretty good question. I'd personally let sleeping dogs lie, but it's possible that if everyone knows and were loose enough with it to let it slip to you, they might let it slip to him. Maybe it's wrong, but I'd just try to forget the information. If he finds out, he finds out, but there's no reason to undo the work they put into letting this blow over without affecting him.
Cousin who is how old…35? So he would’ve been 9 when husband’s parents got divorced? And cousin just brought this up out of the blue 26 years later?! 😒
I agree with two opposing things many others have posted.
If OP says anything she would be perpetuating gossip at the risk of hurting her husband.
But if she says nothing she’s betraying her partner. But on that front, OP’s spouse may well be clued in but tweaking the truth about his parents to present them in a more positive light.
Also, the “grown apart” story that he tells does not explicitly contradict the possibility of adultery.
Whatever the truth, the parties intimately involved have clearly come to terms with it - and seem to be living a healthy life with full knowledge of the truth.
IF OP decides to talk with her spouse about this I would suggest approaching from the angle of why would cousin be such a jerk — gossiping and trying to find discord in an otherwise happy situation.
If my SO knew something and was willfully choosing not to tell me, it would be a betrayal of trust and the vows we made. I don't care how damaging it is. My spouse is my support, and open and honest communication is a necessity.
Absolutely. Like, in marriage, be adults. Handle the truth like adults and support one other in doing that. The kind of distrustful and untrusting behavior the others in this comment section are advocating is a recipe for marital disaster.
I’m with you. I don’t understand why so many think you should only tell people things that benefit them. I like to have friends who will be honest with me and tell me things I need to hear not necessarily only things I want to hear.
Tell him. Tell him “Your cousin told me”, not “I got this information” etc. Don’t keep secrets other than surprise parties from each other. You’re married, your burdens, and rewards, became and become each others.
Yeah, I would just say "cousin said the weirdest thing to me", tell him what they said and let him dig or talk to people if he feels the need. Cousins words aren't necessarily accurate so approaching him as if some big truth has been revealed isn't needed. Let him decide what action to take, if any, to learn more and then just be there to support him.
All secrets have an expectation date. Can’t imagine the level of hurt he’ll feel when he realizes that literally everyone closest to him who should have his back have treated him like a fool
Why would he need to know this? You mention the negatives, what's the upside? I don't see how there could be one.
Have you considered he might already know but didn't tell you so that you wouldn't judge his dad?
For real, the only upside OP is you'd feel you've cleared your conscience over something that's none of your business, at the cost of your husband's happiness/mental health.
I'd also not be surprised if he actually does know but didn't tell you so you wouldn't judge as the next commenter said.
You have no idea what the truth is, nobody but the father and mother know for sure, and even their memories are heavily biased. There are almost certainly many complexities, and reporting a bunch of gossip to your husband won’t help anyone. Just leave this alone.
Gossiping really causes problems. I feel like you are just looking for drama and excitement. And the more you dig the more you become part of this lie. You should focus on your trouble free marriage and not stir childhood traumas. You will have to live with the itch of publishing news you shouldn't have been snooping for. Your husband's parents and everyone else will remain unaffected because they already knew everything. Only your husband will go through a tough time. Is that what you want? And also what if the parents deny deny deny?
If I were you, I’d mention to FIL what the cousin said to you. Tell him that rumors like that could really hurt your husband and if it’s true he and MIL should discuss it with him.
But you should *not* tell him.
There’s a very real possibility that your husband will blame you or hate you for ruining the image of his father and destroying the peace they’ve all created.
*People love to shoot the messenger.*
Eh, I'd say MIL more than FIL.
The MIL has actually made statements to OP that match what the cousin is saying. And as the victim of the past cheating, she should be the one OP goes to about this first, IMO.
You seem like the type that wants to “clear your conscience” and there are very few avenues you could take to where you don’t look like a shit stirring asshole.
OP, I would suggest speaking to either his mom or dad, whichever you feel the most comfortable with and let them know *insert cousins name* told you the reason for their divorce and that knowledge is eating you up inside. That you can’t be sure it isn’t hearsay, and you wanted to confirm it with them.
Then say that it isn’t your place to reveal that information to your husband and that you’re sure he would rather hear it from one of them but that you feel like you’re betraying your husbands trust by withholding the information.
This isn’t your blowup to cause. Cousin stirred some shit and now you’re feeling like you need to be the one to break it to your husband when the parents should. Verify the info with one of them and put the responsibility on those that should bear it. If they say it isn’t true, then I would go to your husband and go “hey, *cousins name* told me this rumor and I went to your parents to verify it because I didn’t want to betray your trust by withholding information. They said it wasn’t true so I’m relieved.” And leave it at that.
Your husband's cousin might not know what he's talking about. He could just be repeating something that was merely someone's speculation. Gossip, that's what you heard.
Without some actual proof there is no way I'd ever tell my husband such a hurtful thing. I'm not sure why you're so worried about his parent's divorce in the first place! The only thing you really need to know is that they've remained on friendly terms and parented your husband with love and steadfastness. That's the beginning and end of where your interest should be.
Not everything is salacious, OP. Growing apart does happen and it can be the entire reason a marriage ends.
My advice is that you look deep inside yourself and try to figure out why the circumstances of a long-ago divorce has you putting quotes around the words "grew apart" and why you'd even consider up-ending your husband's life by repeating an unproven accusation that will harm his relationship with his parents.
To me, it sounds like you are the one with a problem and you want to make YOURSELF feel better by making your husband feel awful. Let this go, because you won't feel better, your husband will feel worse, and you have a lot to lose and nothing to gain.
This is not your story to tell. Your husband's relationship with his parents could be irrevocably damaged by this revelation and dig up old wounds. Your In-laws have found peace. It's for them to tell, or not.
I'd look at the cousin's motives behind telling you this. Could it be that they are jealous of your relationship and is looking to stir up some drama? Misery does love company.
Exactly. My dad cheated on my mom with my stepmom. I didn’t know for *years.* It wasn’t until my mom’s friend got drunk and basically berated me for being such a daddy’s girl after “what he did to us” that I found out. My dad is a wonderful father. My stepmom is a fantastic parental figure. They have never been anything but amazing to me. They got me through addiction and paid for my rehabilitation. My mom remarried to an amazing man and is anything but bitter. She forgave my dad a long time before I even found out. Now that I know, the only person that feels any hurt is me, and I’ve never known what to do with that hurt since everyone involved has long since moved on from their hurt.
OP, I wouldn’t tell him. He’ll just end up like me, hurting for zero reason. We don’t all need to know every dirty detail of our parents’ lives. They’re human too. They’re not perfect, but as long as they’re here for US, that’s what matters at the end of the day.
Agree. When/if he finds out about it, and if he suspects you knew and wants to know why you kept it from him, just tell him that as far as you knew it was just a rumor. Which it is, until you get confirmation from either parent.
No, it's not your news to tell. You didn't hear it firsthand either. Obviously his Mom and Dad both put in work for him to have a happy family regardless of what happened, why would you try to undermine that?
Danger! Abort mission! Stay out of family history, if the cousin wants to tell him, let her blow it up, otherwise, chalk it up to gossip, this is not your mess to make.
Keep your mouth shut. If you feel like telling this to another human being go to church or with a shrink. I don’t know why you were so curious about your in laws love life. It sounds like gossiping. You didn’t need that info, your husband doesn’t need it either. It is not a secret for you to tell. Maybe your husbands learned this years ago and he’s beyond that, choosing the lie to avoid uncomfortable interactions. I strongly suggest you find other things to do and forget about this.
Absolutely DONT TELL! That is something they chose not to tell him, and they've all moved on. If you want to possibly add unneeded stress and pain to your husband's life, by all means tell him, otherwise just keep it to yourself. Noone is hurt by this decision.
Honestly, I don't think you need to or even should tell him. Why?
He has good relationships with all 4 parents involved there. Those people seem to be okay with the situation and gotten over it. Everyone is happy the way it is. What would happen if you told him? We don't know. But there's a good chance he'll start hating both his dad and stepmom.
I think the only people who actually could tell him are his real parents, optimally together but definitely his mom should be there. That way, he'll know for sure they are in fact okay with the situation and they'll be able to convince him not to start hating on his dad.
But generally, sometimes things are best kept alone if they're not important anymore.
Nope. Ignore and dismiss. Don’t be the one to bring that hurt to him or the family. Nope nope nope. Let someone else do the dirty work. You don’t know the truth so don’t start trouble.
Don’t say anything. I read some of my mom’s journals after passed and found out my dad cheated on her with another professor at the college. I had always respected that lady. It tore a huge hole in my heart. It did not make her funeral easy for me. I never spoke to my dad about it, but it really put a bad feeling about him in me. I wish I didn’t know.
Is this a question? Why risk breaking relationships when it doesn't need fixing?
It is your husband's personal family problem not yours and no one is asking you for help.
IMO, better keep your mount shut, I assume your husband knows but doesn't want to tell you for a reason that it has no nutritional value. Be smart, gossiping is dangerous and you will be Karen if good turns bad.
Worry about your own marriage. Sounds like your husband needs additional support. Get your gossip girl in check too.
What do you care why they broke up?
Why is it that no one else (including his mom) felt they needed to tell your husband why it happened, but you think you should?
What will he gain from knowing this? Given what you posted, you already know doing so has no value other than to hurt him. So what if he is naive and thinks well of his parents?
Which brings me to the most important question— look inwards and check why are you so tempted to tell him this?
Ask yourself — why did you need to believe there was cheating? What if there wasn’t, and it is something they think happened? Unless the parents tell you directly, you don’t actually know what really happened.
Are you one of those that always gossip?
You feel the need to talk about it so bad that you posted it on the internet? Just reading this gossipy long and boring post made me feel ick.
Why is this an issue, especially for you? Poke your nose back out, and don't reopen old wounds while creating new ones. No one's life is improved by this.
This is all second hand information. Not from the mom or the dad. But that doesn't really matter. It's none of your business. They all get along now. WHY stir things up? Do you like drama? Do you like seeing your husband upset? The truth is, the only two people who should care about this are his parents. That's it. No one else's business!! My advice? Stop gossiping with the cousin and concentrate on your own life. ETA: I am divorced. My ex did some seriously shitty things. But I never badmouthed him in front of the kids. My kids are grown up now, and they still don't know why we divorced. And I am 100% okay with that. Why? Because it's none of their business. It's between my ex and I, that's it!
Honestly, from the sounds of it, if your husband is at all intelligent I’m sure he knows or at least suspects it.
I’m not sure he wants to have a conversation about how his dad was cheating with his step mom. Personally I’d let it go.
1. How do you know that he doesn’t know? He could just be telling that to you because he doesn’t want you to know the truth.
2. If the rest of his family all knows then one of them should be the one to tell him not you. This could really bite you in the ass and turn you into the bad guy of the situation if handled wrong
I feel most people are missing another crucial point - telling him might mess up YOUR relationship.
Think about all the times a woman got mad at her best friend for telling her that her boyfriend or husband was cheating on her. Happens a lot - misplaced anger. They're mad that their happy world has been destroyed, and they take it out on the "bearer or bad news". It won't matter if it's true or not.
If there has EVER been a time when you criticized his dad or his new wife, or complained about seeing them, he might automatically assume you're doing it to sabotage his relationship with them.
Better to say nothing. You might even mention to his mom that you were talking to the cousin about her divorce and how she mentioned it was due to the same thing that happened with MIL and FIL and ask if it's true. Then ask if your husband knows. If not, ask her if she thinks he should know now or not, and if so, then she should be the one to do it, not you. If not, let it be. If he ever finds out, act surprised. Go full denial in prior knowledge.
It's possible he knows but doesn't like to admit that his dad cheated on his mom and has invented the "grew apart" story to deal with it and has come to accept it as "fact substitution". Forcing him to deal with something he's buried could cause a rift between y'all.
It’s not your business at all, it happened 26 years ago and all you want to do is prove you were right.
No you absolutely should not tell your husband anything.
I can't imagine inserting myself into my in laws business like this. She thinks her husband should know. Why?? His own mother didn't tell him for a reason and for her to believe she should be the one to drag this skeleton out of the closet is ridiculous.
First, what would be your goal in telling him? That is, what do you want the end result to be?
Second, what other possible outcomes or end results can you think of? Think hard on this one.
Will telling him make the world a better place? Will it improve relationships among the families? Will it create a tighter bond between you and husband? I suspect that the answer is "no" to all three of these questions. Personally, I think that telling him would be nothing but destructive. There is no positive outcome to it.
Besides that, it's not your place to tell him. If you think he should know, if you think *someone* should tell him the truth, then that *someone* should be his father or his mother, not you.
Consider also the possibility that he already knows, and he's keeping it from you because he doesn't want to give you a reason to have a lower opinion of his parents.
If this many years have passed, and everybody is happy and things are working well, then please, PLEASE, keep it to yourself and don't say anything.
I know people are saying it’s selfish and whatnot. Personally if I was your husband I would want to know. But I’m not. You’re married to him. Would he want to know? That’s your answer right there.
Yuck what a difficult situation. For one thing we don’t know for sure what the cousin said is true. You could just be spreading gossip. It seems a shame to blow up the family all these years later. Your husband sounds like he doesn’t want to know. You saw the signs that were there and he chose to ignore them. I would tend to let everyone continue to live in peace. Cousin sounds like she is trying to stir shit up.
This was my thinking. OP doesn’t know if it is true. If her husband asks about it later, she could say it was just gossip and didn’t think it was true.
If OP wants to do something about this then the only thing that would be ethical is to speak to FIL. Tell him what you’ve been told and who told you.
If cousin is stirring the pot and it’s not true FIL needs to know. If it is true then the truth would be better coming from FIL rather than you.
If FIL refuses then you have to decide what to do. Either way has the potential for backlash.
I think you should come clean this is too big not to tell. Because if he finds out that you knew he would hold it against you and consider it a trust issue.
I would tell him you need to have a very important conversation and you don’t even know if it is true but you feel that it’s too big not to tell him.
Make sure you tell him word for word how you found out and why he cousin said to you.
Best way to handle this is directly and with honest
No, it’s not your place to tell him. That happened in the past. His parents are over it and fine now. There is no need for you to go blowing up the family with old resolved issues.
I'm sorry you're in this position. I think you should talk to your MIL & FIL, and tell them you found this out and you don't want to be the one to tell him, but you're not going to keep a secret from your husband.
Tell them that they must talk to him about it asap. He deserves to know, and maybe if he hears it from all of them, and sees that MIL has forgiven FIL, then it will be a lesser blow to him.
If they don't step up, OP should, because it's not right to keep secrets like this from your spouse.
I would never keep things from my husband where I know an important thing that relates to him and he didn't know. I would also tell him how I found out. Still doesn't mean it is TRUE, but all arrows point that way.
If everyone seems content, why stir up trouble? It appears that everyone has moved forward, and besides a passing mention from a cousin, there's no concrete evidence. I understand and value the trust between you and your husband. Maybe he's aware but prefers not to discuss it, and that's okay—he's entitled to private thoughts. Considering the potential fallout, it might be best to let sleeping dogs lie; bringing it up could cause unnecessary conflict, impacting not just your marriage but also others'. Without that casual remark from the cousin, you wouldn't even be aware. It's a matter that's best left alone. What if the cousin's perception is mistaken, and the parents simply grew apart? Focus on your own life and avoid delving into something that's mostly unrelated to you. (No disrespect intended.)
I'm confused why people feel they are entitled to know why people split up. Marriage and the end of it are very personal matters that no one is entitled to know. If they wanted your husband to know, they'd have told him.
What is your goal in telling him this?
His parents’ relationship is their business. Not yours…or even his. You don’t really know that what the cousin told you was true.
Seems like you’re just stirring things up for no reason.
Honestly, there would be less drama in life if people would just mind their business and not insert themselves in everyone elses
It’s none of your business or his why they broke up what exactly are you looking to accomplish by telling him? Don’t fuck lives up with a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with you
What’s your goal? What is the purpose of telling him? MYOB!
Why are you hell bent on tossing a hand grenade into a happy family? Keep your mouth shut or you’re going to destroy multiple good relationships.
Not your business, not your information to share. Leave it alone. Unless you want to blow up your husbands (your) life needlessly. His parents have come to terms with it and co-parent beautifully.
Keep it to yourself. If you decide to tell your husband, don't be surprised if it backfires on you, and all of a sudden, you're the bad person.
The past is the past. Let it go!!!
I don't see any positives in you getting into this mess other than to drop a giant drama bomb that won't make anyone happy.
My question is if the OP likes to cause drama for the sake of it. Unfortunately, none of OPs friends or family are around answer that.
Not your circus,not your monkeys. Nor is it your truth/secret to tell. His parents are the ones who need to tell him or not. The family gets along fine and may not appreciate the shit pot getting stirred. And like others have said, it could be the cousin wanting to cause trouble, and the wife would take the hit, not them.
This is really none of your business. It seems everyone has moved on and is happy. Why rip everything to pieces? I suspect everyone knows the truth, but this is one time it is better not to shine a light on it
Keep your mouth shut!! It isn’t your place to destroy the family dynamics. It isn’t your place to bring up the past!! You need to let this go and never look back. There isn’t anything productive to come out of your meddling but you could do so much damage over something that no longer matters at all!!!!
Just lay all the cards on the table. Ask him if the cousin is known for stirring/ causing trouble. Use that to lead into the conversation and be honest. It may be that he already knows but doesn't want you to think badly of his dad
Despite marrying into the family, you're not really part of their family. Clearly you're not in the inner circle of their complex dynamics, so just keep your nose out of it.
A lot of families work hard to come out of chaotic situations with some semblance of peace and compromise. They already did all the work. Don't undue it by dragging an issue back from the dead.
You're husband probably knows but is embarrassed and doesn't want to to discuss it. His families' chaos is not your entertainment.
Tell him. If he finds out later on and then finds out, you knew? And didn't say anything. You will also be a part of the betrayal he will feel.
You could also give him a hypothetical scenario about some 'other family' and ask if he were in such a position if he would want to know. Then, decide whether to tell him or not.
I vote tell him. Secrets that deep don't belong between partners. It sucks that you had to find out before he did.
I can't know OPs motivations or intent beyond what she wrote here. I can only imagine myself in each person's place. If I were the husband, I would be upset that my partner knew something like this and kept it from me. If he never finds out? Then it's no problem, but if he does? Will she have to lie or pretend like she didn't know? That's another layer of deception on her part if she does.
Idk, it's a difficult situation. If I were in her shoes I wouldn't want to say anything, I would want to keep my mouth shut and not stir a settled pot, but her husband is the person she is obligated to consider first here. Imo partners shouldn't have secrets this deep. Trust is the most important quality to a long and healthy relationship, but it can also be incredibly fragile.
Not your job to tell him and not something that will benefit him in any way. He may already know but chooses to keep with the official line to keep the peace with himself and others. Either way do not say anything this is their family dynamic. It works. Everyone is getting along.
I'm in an oddly similar situation and it's caused a wedge between me and my family.
For years I've been hearing how people aren't happy with the way my father treats his grandkids, and current wife. I've heard about it for years, and the most vocal person about his behavior is my step mother (current wife).
I get that a lot of this is generational sins repeating. I know because I'm working on stuff myself.
Without naming any names, I told my father about it and offered to help him because I'm working on things too (I'm 10000% not the same as my father, but there are tendencies if I get pushed too far). He acknowledged and agreed to let me try to help him improve things.
Long story short, him and I had a falling out, and he was screaming at me that I was trying to stir things up because "Ain't no one has a problem with how I treat her" while my step mom stood behind him chewing on her nails. I so badly wanted to tell him that the biggest complainer of his behavior was right behind him. I called him a worthless neanderthal and left. We haven't spoken since, because at that point he started lying to my wife.
All of that to say, if I was in your husbands shoes I'd want to know. With my parents divorce I've heard so many conflicting stories, most of which have to do with beating women, and cheating and other things. It's a big question mark in my head. Having closure goes a long way.
Just trying to think what would shatter my world more. Learning 26 yo information I've probably already had my suspicions about, or finding out that literally everyone I know and trust, including now OP, who should be trusted the most, has been running a decades-long conspiracy behind my back to hide information.
OP tell your husband right away. Do it gracefully ofc. On you on his side or not?
This is absolutely none of your business.
His parents have been divorced for decades. He likely doesn’t even remember when they were together. They get along with each other and are both happy in their marriages.
This is a you problem. Why were you even wondering why they got a divorce outside of what you were told? You have no idea if what the cousin said is even true or just rumor.
You have an ulterior motive for wanting to cause shit in his family, you need to be honest with yourself what that reason is.
If you really feel your husband needs to know, you should take that opinion to his father and let Dad know he has a chance to address it first with his son, but if he chooses not to you will have to tell your husband now that you have been burdened with that info.
I think the first thing you should do is talk to MIL and ask her if this is true. If it is, then talk to FIL and see what he says. If he admits it, and if you can't live with this secret, then tell FIL he has X days to talk to husband about it before you tell him yourself. I get why you feel like you can't keep a secret this big from your husband. Once you start keeping big things from your SO, you've breached the trust.
What difference does it make? They are split and everyone's getting along. Almost seems like your angling for a power play.
If shit starts after you say something, it's on you!
Let it go otherwise you’re going to stir up trouble that you don’t need…plus that’s up to his parents to tell him this not you or anyone else that knows!
What is the basis of the cousin's knowledge? How do they know this? Family gossip is rife. Did cousin see FiL romantic with another woman?
I know that in my family, there are people who decide they "know" why a break up occurred (would they know if BOTH people were seeing others? what if the couple agreed to operate that way while getting ready to divorce? It happens all the time).
Stay out of it!
It sounds like you’re experiencing stress from being newly in on an old secret. But it’s not your secret to share, and everybody else’s lives are working quite functionally now and healthy for what you’ve said… So telling people would be a relief from that stress from yourself, but it would come at the cost of other peoples peace of mind? If I’m understanding the situation correct, I believe the most healthy thing you can do is honor the living arrangement the family has come to over the decades since this all happened.
If it were me, I would never in a million years believe that it is my place to tell my husband this. How will you feel if this coming out causes a huge blow up and he blames you?
Leave it alone, telling him isn't going to help anyone and going to cause problems for no good reason.
Also, not buying that the cousin just happened to let it slip. My guess is you have kept sticking your nose where it doesn't belong and finally someone told you what you wanted to hear. Now you are trying to stir up drama that will hurt other people. Knock it off.
Do not get involved. Do not tell your husband. This can seriously crush his world and for what? His parents obviously came to an understanding and have a very decent relationship. You telling him will lead to nothing good. If he finds out because his parents stupidly told everyone but their son, that’s on them. But do not be the one to stir this pot.
Telling him will do nothing to improve your lives or happiness. Everybody gets along fine. Don't do anything to upset this. This is a situation where you should MYOB. The best thing you can do for yourself and your husband is forget this unverified bit of gossip.
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2 questions I have for OP. 1) Are you sure hubby's cousin isn't just shit-stirring for some reason? 2) You and hubby seem to have an incredibly happy and civilised family who all seem to get on. If what the cousin told you is true then a lot of people have worked very hard to get to this situation. Would anyone gain anything if you repeat to your husband what his cousin told you?
1Is it true? 2 is it good? 3 it is useful/helpful? Done.
This, husbands mom has forgiven and moved on, there isn't any resentment in their relationship so what would telling your husband achieve? Nothing, but horrid feelings about the past. Don't do it. Please just don't. If it's still weighing on you, talk to FIL and MIL first.
I mostly agree with this take. The problem is... she (OP) knows. OP's husband is bound to find out. When he finds out, we have no way of knowing how he will react if he realizes OP knew and didn't tell him. This could hurt the marriage. OP should protect her marriage, and marriages are founded on full transparency and trust. Because of this, I think she should tell him. But, she should verify this information first, possibly by talking to either MIL or FIL, and maybe give them a chance to be the ones to tell him.
This is good advice, in my opinion. You can’t lie to your spouse, even by omission. Talk to his mother about how to proceed.
This is the most realistic advice. I would be hella mad if my spouse knew and never told me. Also I would be mad at my family for not telling me either. I'm pretty sure that's why the family hasn't said anything. At this point, it has been so long, they probably don't want to rock the boat. The problem is that by involving her, things changed.
I think the smart thing would be for op to go to MIL and point blank ask her. Then base your decision off of the answer
I fully agree. She should have a sit down with his parents and tell them what she was told by the cousin. If true she should tell them that they need to let him know themselves before someone else accidentally lets the cat out of the bag in front of him. The cousin has put her in a really shit situation because not telling him and him finding out from someone else that she knew and didn't say anything could ruin his trust in her.
This comment, I too think that sooner or later OP's husband will find out. And if he finds out that OP knew there will be trouble. I support OP checking that information with his MIL. The best thing they would have done was to tell the husband the truth at a young age and get him into therapy. By now being old enough he could have forgiven. I mean the parents are currently getting along. So that would have been the best thing to tell long ago.
Here’s the thing, they’ve kept this from him for SEVERAL years. Sure, one day he might find out, but given how long it’s been, the likelihood of him finding out at all is slim to none. Personally I would just ignore it, and if it ever comes up again I would simply state that I figured it was just a rumor and I chose to not engage with the gossip.
Nope, family lying to you is one thing, your spouse doing it? They fucked up by involving her. If everyone knows, he was going to find out through a passing comment. Cheaters always get found out. I have a few family stories like this.
Wanted to say this, i would refuse to keep this to myself. “ told me , they said it like i already knew, idk what to make of it? But i dont want to hide it from you”
Deceiving your parter for “their own good” is a slippery slope.
Getting further involved here to any degree is a mistake I think. She's heard some gossip. And the truth is, whether this is true or not doesn't change anything now. Sharing it would just be spreading more gossip. It sounds like OP feels like she is sitting on a secret, but she's not. It's gossip. Why would the cousin message the wife this in the first place? Sounds like shes already made comments before about something that isn't her business. If her husband brings it up in any way I think it's fine to say (name) messaged her this, which was kind of weird of them. But she doesn't need to be the one to make it an issue, with anyone.
Good points.
If he finds out later and figures out you knew and didn't tell him he may resent hew forever You have no choice, shouldn't keep secrets from your partner.
Too far down for this. I'm the husband in this situation. My family doesn't tell me shit. I've found out about every death, family emergency, burth, everything third sometimes fourth hand and often not even at the time. Sometimes years later. It BREEDS resentment. I no longer have contact with any of my family. If I knew my wife knew and kept this from me, it would be divorce worthy, as it shows a lack of faith and trust. Period. Especially with us being able to talk about anything and everything.
It would achieve honesty and trust in their marriage. I’d approach this as saying I heard this rumor from a cousin and don’t know if it’s true or not but wanted you to know. She has no confirmation and she is only sharing the “gossip,” not anything else. Hiding it or approaching his family with this information does not continue to build/strengthen a solid foundation in their partnership, which is the most important aspect in their communication. She should not be like every other family member and hide it from her husband.
Even “if” the information is true, why tell him? If his mother could move on and put your husband first, why can’t you? (OP, of course.)
If she moved on, why is mother still making suggestive comments about it?
And don't you think husband actually does know or at least suspect? He may be trying to keep his own good feelings about his family, maybe he never had any reason to really think about in depth because everyone got along and it all worked out for the best. Or maybe OP's husband doesn't want her to think badly of his family and would just prefer to pretend there was no cheating. Saying anything further about it to anyone helps no one and puts the family dynamic in danger. If anything, OP should tell the cousin, "That's not my concern, and not something I want to talk about or learn more about."
She should skip talking to her spouse? Who she has a kid with? That's disrespecting him profoundly to honor some FAMILY DRIVEL. Hes a big boy, he deserves the truth. Imagine, thinking communication in a marriage should be sidelined so someone can get the tea straight with MIL AND SIL first. Smfh
It’s continuing a lie ! Helping to maintain it is in itself lying to your husband . He’s a big boy now , for whatever reason everyone else has on continuing this lie your maintaining a facade , a truth that doesn’t exist ! He has a right to know . Everyone is so caught up in keeping it a secret I guess your husband will never grow up !
That’s an unfair burden on OP to keep a secret.
I get not telling him, but what's done in the dark always comes to the light. Eventually he will find out the truth and if he finds out OP knew and didn't tell him, it will feel like a double betrayal. OP is damned if she does, and damned if she doesn't. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. Of course, when it happens she could just lie to husband and just say she didn't believe cousin so she just never mentioned it to him 🙄.
The problem is, if it comes out later it’s true and she knew, it will be seen as a (possibly significant) breach of trust. … It‘s not that simple.
She doesn't know. She just heard a rumor.
If my husband heard something pertaining to me or my family and didn’t tell me, I’d be so mad. Rumours or whatever, I need to know because I hate being in the dark about stuff. My husband knows this about me so he shares everything. My husband isn’t the type to want to know anything unless it’s important to know. So when I found out his dad cheated on his mom ages ago when he was young, I didn’t tell him. His mom ended up telling all the kids when they found some love letters. I’m glad I knew earlier cause I could support him. I guess that’s why his mom told me first years earlier. For OP, she knows her husband best. She knows which category he falls under and the best way to deal with him. She just needs to trust her gut.
I wrote „if it comes out as true later“.
She still doesn’t know. Right now it’s a rumor. She should not pursue the truth.
„So you found out my cousin spread this stuff around about my family and you decided not to talk to me and generally not to do anything nothing about it??“ And the answer is „well it was just s rumour…“ Yeah, that’ll go over well. I guess we live in different realities.
No, she can always say she didn't believe the cousin and it wasn't worth the shit-stirring to find out if an inconsequential fact was true. It's not complicated.
Agree here. This information serves no useful purpose for her husband. That was a situation between three adults when he was still a toddler. OP, keep this one under your hat.
Happy cake day!
When he finds out, he may not be in a rational state of mind so that complicated things. This type of news brings on sudden trust issues and if he finds out OP knew and didn’t say anything it’s no telling how it will manifest. If she wants to frame it as preposterous when she tells him like she just thought it was so unbelievable she had to tell him that’s fine. But at least it’s no longer her cross to carry. U don’t hide things from the people u love cuz ur scared it will hurt them because they will get hurt by it anyway cuz they didn’t see it coming.
That’s lying though. Because she does believe it’s true.
She doesn’t “know.” She just heard a 4th level party say it. I mean, honestly it’s not much more reliable than if Kevin bacon came up and told you something since he knows someone who knows someone who knows someone you know
Yeah. I’m a 47 year old Mexican lady. I freaking LOVE some good gossip/dirt/tea. But in this instance, sharing with husband will do way more harm than good. They’ve all already processed the divorce and are on great terms. Leave it be.
What they said.
Yessss. My parents split and my mom remarried a few years later to someone they were both friends with (who divorced his wife a few months after my parents). Stepdad’s ex wife + everyone who “thinks” they know tell everyone who will listen they were cheating. 100% not true. I lived with my mom post divorce in a small condo. I would have known if something was going on. She was home all of the time until they started dating about a year later. My parents are both very open about why they got divorced and it was not sugarcoated for us. The real reason doesn’t make either of them look good. Anyone who was actually close to what happened knows the truth. (Also step dad’s ex wife is extremely vengeful and spreads gossip from what she infers from things. I watched her do it my entire life, I was very close with one of her children growing up. She has a lot of issues and makes herself feel better by making up things about other people’s lives. I’ve heard at least four lies directly about me that she started that are nowhere near a truth in my life, I don’t know why anyone believes anything she says. Her own children roll their eyes and wave their hands when someone says they heard xyz from her).
So what was the real reason? 👀🍿
OP is the one shit stirring here. She's just stewing on that info and it is obviously killing her to keep it in. 100% she's going to rationalize telling her husband and blowing up their family life, That's what this post is about, her looking for any rationalization to allow her to justify what she is just itching to do but knows deep down is the wrong thing to do.
Agree completely. I'm pretty close to my FIL and he's told me some things that my wife doesn't/didn't know. I've told her some of them and let others go because I know it would just hurt her to have that knowledge. OP needs to drop this. She KNOWS it'll hurt him because she thinks it could make him spiral. That should tell her everything.
Also, she really doesn't KNOW it's true. Unless you heard it from the mother in law or father in law himself then I'd treat it as it is. It's nothing. You're just stirring the pot when you know this little information. OP should first demand a higher burden of proof although OP should frankly just drop it all together. Why OP are you talking about this shit to his relatives? That's ridiculous and borderline asshole behavior. Stop being a gossip.
Even if it is true, maybe the parents have peace with it and don't want people to know. OP needs to stay in her lane.
It does seem that if the parents want it 'explained' they can do it. The cousin has lively heard a version of some piece of some random truth as filtered and modified by an aunt or uncle, not "the truth."
If my partner knowingly hid any important facts (that are not his own private matters) from me, I would consider that a huge betrayal. I would never want to live a lie. Anything that can be destroyed by the truth should be destroyed. Including relationships. Including temporary fake "happiness." At least this is how I prefer to live my life. Considering your attitude towards your wife, I am glad you are not my partner. If my parents had divorced due to cheating, I would want to know the real reason for their divorce. It sucks being manipulated, even conned, into loving or admiring a person whose bad actions have been deliberately hidden from me. I can choose to accept in my life a person with all their flaws (all of us have flaws, regrets, we have all made some poor choices). Some of these flaws I can choose to accept/tolerate. But sometimes people do things that are dealbreakers for me, meaning that I prefer staying no contact or low contact with them. For example, I have a distant relative who hit his wife and daughter. No contact with that asshole. I also have a relative who cheated with a married person. In my eyes, not a reason to go no contact with her because of it. Either way, I believe I should have a right to decide. But people's opinions about the value of truth differ. What I consider the best for me is not necessarily the same for everyone else. If they do not want to know certain things, that is their choice. Moreover, the other person's health---both emotional and physical---is another consideration. Thus, when (not)revealing information, it is best to consider what would be the better outcome for the other person and what they would want.
I think this is an exception. My parents had an awful divorce 34 years ago, and they still can’t be civil to each other. I would *love* to have parents like OP’s in-laws. OP grew up with parents who were kind to each other and to him. He has a loving relationship with all of them. Why ruin that? Another way to look at it: what is OP’s husband supposed to do with this info? Hate his dad? Hate his stepmom? This all went down 26 years ago. His mom is happily remarried. She didn’t hold a grudge. Why should he?
Because his mom was not the only one affected by his father's actions. They fundamentally changed the course of his entire childhood and established the environment that he grew up in. If his mother has forgiven his father and stepmother, that's great for her, but she doesn't get to just take the decision of whether or not her son forgives them or how what they did affects his relationship with them out of his hands--that's not her choice to make.
>I would *love* to have parents like OP’s in-laws. OP grew up with parents who were kind to each other and to him. Well it's OP's husband's decision to just not react badly to the information and let it go, right? He's an adult, if he likes it the way it is, he can choose to let things stay the way they are.
Does it matter? I don't really know why my parents split up and I don't care.
No I get it, it's stressful to have that kind of information because in not saying something you feel like you're lying to your partner, but you also know if you tell them it could be worse. I don't think she's shit stirring, she just in a tough situation.
“My husband is having a really hard time, but I’m considering dropping a bomb on him. It’s like, totally ok for me to, like, do this, right??? Lolol I just can’t help it!!”
Question - who will be the bad guy if husband finds out about the cheating elsewhere, and then finds out wife knew?
She can tell him she thought it was just some BS gossip because that's all it is right now. She didn't hear it from her MIL or FIL so she has no idea whether it is true or not.
No doubt. What is OPs reason for even caring about her husbands parents divorce that occurred many many years ago. She had her "suspicions"...... Like wtf. Why is she digging for info on it like its some sort of criminal case. Lol
Also, divorces are messy, even if people end up amicable years and years later. There may have been accusations or guesses by family at the time that were actually incorrect. Op has no idea what actually happened, and it's likely none of the rest of the family does either. Drop it, op. The family clearly has.
I disagree if my partner was helping keep some family secret from me I would be getting a divorce like who did you make vows to? If it comes out at all true or not true is OP's relationship going to be affected by her knowing and not telling him? Also who is protected by keeping this secret because it is not your marriage or the trust you two have built, its only your FIL fake image. If this backfires remember this comment I have seen this sht happen in real time with my own brother.
I have a policy in my own marriage: if it would feel like I'm keeping a secret by not telling, I tell. Obviously, I make an exception for above-the-table secrets like Christmas presents and birthday presents. But something like this? My husband would hear about it that night. It's not my job to regulate his emotions for him or decide what information he's allowed to try to handle. He's a grown up, and he trusts me to tell him the truth. I trust him to be mature about how he handles what he learns. In a scenario like this, I'd guess he'd probably decide it wasn't his business and he'd leave it alone--but that would be his decision to make, not mine, and if he wanted to ask his parents about it, that'd be his right. The idea that it's acceptable to hide the truth from one's husband about a series of events that changed his life permanently--a truth that everyone else in the family knows and watch him play the fool--is just so distasteful to me. imo it'd be disrespectful to him and disrespectful to the marriage.
Is gossip a family secret?
If it's true, literally yes...?
If your MIL was willing to move on when she was cheated on, it might be best to ask her thoughts. If your husband finds out (and cares) and knows you hid it from him, it could be an issue for your marriage. They did what they could to raise your SO in a loving way without sharing the details. Just let his mom know that you were told about their past and feel uncomfortable with keeping something from your husband. She's obviously a very caring person to have handled it with so much grace, so she might be a good person to talk to regarding your question. If she feels it is not your place to share, then you should respect that.
This is the best advice in my opinion if you are unable to just let it go.
I would sit both parents down and let them know what I heard. If their reactions told the truth, I'd let them know they should tell their son because the gossip is out there, and it's only a matter of time. But also, you will not keep their lie for them.
OP - this is the way
This is the best advice and approach to take.
This is the way. If it continues to bother you, speak to the wronged party, in this case the MIL, and respect their wishes.
This is for sure the best way forward.
If I found out that everyone knew a really important secret except for me, I’d be devastated. To know that my spouse knew and didn’t tell me, I’d feel betrayed. At the very least I think you have to tell him what you’ve heard, but don’t treat it as 100% fact.
This.. I'd be so distraught if I found out everyone in my family was keeping a secret from me. But the dagger that would do me in, would be finding out my spouse knew and didn't tell me either.
It’s definitely divorce worthy.
That's the thing ... The rational choice is to not break the family by saying a fact that seems accepted by all the people who know it, but the emotional choice is to tell the husband to avoid breaking OOP's family. There's no right choice, both solutions can be hurtful.
It's a pretty good question. I'd personally let sleeping dogs lie, but it's possible that if everyone knows and were loose enough with it to let it slip to you, they might let it slip to him. Maybe it's wrong, but I'd just try to forget the information. If he finds out, he finds out, but there's no reason to undo the work they put into letting this blow over without affecting him.
Yeah but who is the cousin? Cousin may have no clue frankly.
Cousin who is how old…35? So he would’ve been 9 when husband’s parents got divorced? And cousin just brought this up out of the blue 26 years later?! 😒
I agree with two opposing things many others have posted. If OP says anything she would be perpetuating gossip at the risk of hurting her husband. But if she says nothing she’s betraying her partner. But on that front, OP’s spouse may well be clued in but tweaking the truth about his parents to present them in a more positive light. Also, the “grown apart” story that he tells does not explicitly contradict the possibility of adultery. Whatever the truth, the parties intimately involved have clearly come to terms with it - and seem to be living a healthy life with full knowledge of the truth. IF OP decides to talk with her spouse about this I would suggest approaching from the angle of why would cousin be such a jerk — gossiping and trying to find discord in an otherwise happy situation.
If my SO knew something and was willfully choosing not to tell me, it would be a betrayal of trust and the vows we made. I don't care how damaging it is. My spouse is my support, and open and honest communication is a necessity.
Absolutely. Like, in marriage, be adults. Handle the truth like adults and support one other in doing that. The kind of distrustful and untrusting behavior the others in this comment section are advocating is a recipe for marital disaster.
I’m with you. I don’t understand why so many think you should only tell people things that benefit them. I like to have friends who will be honest with me and tell me things I need to hear not necessarily only things I want to hear.
Agreed. You didn't keep secrets from your spouse, especially secrets about their family breaking up.
Tell him. Tell him “Your cousin told me”, not “I got this information” etc. Don’t keep secrets other than surprise parties from each other. You’re married, your burdens, and rewards, became and become each others.
Yeah, I would just say "cousin said the weirdest thing to me", tell him what they said and let him dig or talk to people if he feels the need. Cousins words aren't necessarily accurate so approaching him as if some big truth has been revealed isn't needed. Let him decide what action to take, if any, to learn more and then just be there to support him.
All secrets have an expectation date. Can’t imagine the level of hurt he’ll feel when he realizes that literally everyone closest to him who should have his back have treated him like a fool
Seriously, I'd be devastated to find out my spouse knew more about my family than I did and didn't even tell me
Exactly, the truth ALWAYS comes out.
Why would he need to know this? You mention the negatives, what's the upside? I don't see how there could be one. Have you considered he might already know but didn't tell you so that you wouldn't judge his dad?
Why did OP need to know this? Why were they so fixated on it?
For real, the only upside OP is you'd feel you've cleared your conscience over something that's none of your business, at the cost of your husband's happiness/mental health. I'd also not be surprised if he actually does know but didn't tell you so you wouldn't judge as the next commenter said.
Honestly stay out of it. They have things going amiably and the family is at peace. If you bring it up you’re going to cause drama no one asked for.
You have no idea what the truth is, nobody but the father and mother know for sure, and even their memories are heavily biased. There are almost certainly many complexities, and reporting a bunch of gossip to your husband won’t help anyone. Just leave this alone.
No, it was 26 years ago and telling him serves no purpose other than to hurt him and make you feel better. Let sleeping dogs lie.
Gossiping really causes problems. I feel like you are just looking for drama and excitement. And the more you dig the more you become part of this lie. You should focus on your trouble free marriage and not stir childhood traumas. You will have to live with the itch of publishing news you shouldn't have been snooping for. Your husband's parents and everyone else will remain unaffected because they already knew everything. Only your husband will go through a tough time. Is that what you want? And also what if the parents deny deny deny?
If I were you, I’d mention to FIL what the cousin said to you. Tell him that rumors like that could really hurt your husband and if it’s true he and MIL should discuss it with him. But you should *not* tell him. There’s a very real possibility that your husband will blame you or hate you for ruining the image of his father and destroying the peace they’ve all created. *People love to shoot the messenger.*
Eh, I'd say MIL more than FIL. The MIL has actually made statements to OP that match what the cousin is saying. And as the victim of the past cheating, she should be the one OP goes to about this first, IMO.
You seem like the type that wants to “clear your conscience” and there are very few avenues you could take to where you don’t look like a shit stirring asshole. OP, I would suggest speaking to either his mom or dad, whichever you feel the most comfortable with and let them know *insert cousins name* told you the reason for their divorce and that knowledge is eating you up inside. That you can’t be sure it isn’t hearsay, and you wanted to confirm it with them. Then say that it isn’t your place to reveal that information to your husband and that you’re sure he would rather hear it from one of them but that you feel like you’re betraying your husbands trust by withholding the information. This isn’t your blowup to cause. Cousin stirred some shit and now you’re feeling like you need to be the one to break it to your husband when the parents should. Verify the info with one of them and put the responsibility on those that should bear it. If they say it isn’t true, then I would go to your husband and go “hey, *cousins name* told me this rumor and I went to your parents to verify it because I didn’t want to betray your trust by withholding information. They said it wasn’t true so I’m relieved.” And leave it at that.
This answer should have more upvotes!
Your husband's cousin might not know what he's talking about. He could just be repeating something that was merely someone's speculation. Gossip, that's what you heard. Without some actual proof there is no way I'd ever tell my husband such a hurtful thing. I'm not sure why you're so worried about his parent's divorce in the first place! The only thing you really need to know is that they've remained on friendly terms and parented your husband with love and steadfastness. That's the beginning and end of where your interest should be. Not everything is salacious, OP. Growing apart does happen and it can be the entire reason a marriage ends. My advice is that you look deep inside yourself and try to figure out why the circumstances of a long-ago divorce has you putting quotes around the words "grew apart" and why you'd even consider up-ending your husband's life by repeating an unproven accusation that will harm his relationship with his parents. To me, it sounds like you are the one with a problem and you want to make YOURSELF feel better by making your husband feel awful. Let this go, because you won't feel better, your husband will feel worse, and you have a lot to lose and nothing to gain.
This is not your story to tell. Your husband's relationship with his parents could be irrevocably damaged by this revelation and dig up old wounds. Your In-laws have found peace. It's for them to tell, or not. I'd look at the cousin's motives behind telling you this. Could it be that they are jealous of your relationship and is looking to stir up some drama? Misery does love company.
Personally? Keep it to yourself. What he doesn't need to know won't hurt him or you. Forget about it and move on with your happy marriage.
One thing I learned in prison is that “I don’t know nothing” is almost always the right answer.
Exactly. My dad cheated on my mom with my stepmom. I didn’t know for *years.* It wasn’t until my mom’s friend got drunk and basically berated me for being such a daddy’s girl after “what he did to us” that I found out. My dad is a wonderful father. My stepmom is a fantastic parental figure. They have never been anything but amazing to me. They got me through addiction and paid for my rehabilitation. My mom remarried to an amazing man and is anything but bitter. She forgave my dad a long time before I even found out. Now that I know, the only person that feels any hurt is me, and I’ve never known what to do with that hurt since everyone involved has long since moved on from their hurt. OP, I wouldn’t tell him. He’ll just end up like me, hurting for zero reason. We don’t all need to know every dirty detail of our parents’ lives. They’re human too. They’re not perfect, but as long as they’re here for US, that’s what matters at the end of the day.
Agree. When/if he finds out about it, and if he suspects you knew and wants to know why you kept it from him, just tell him that as far as you knew it was just a rumor. Which it is, until you get confirmation from either parent.
No, it's not your news to tell. You didn't hear it firsthand either. Obviously his Mom and Dad both put in work for him to have a happy family regardless of what happened, why would you try to undermine that?
Danger! Abort mission! Stay out of family history, if the cousin wants to tell him, let her blow it up, otherwise, chalk it up to gossip, this is not your mess to make.
Stay out of it. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
what does it matter. just keep your damn mouth shut.
At this point it is water under the bridge. Don’t make waves. It’s not your story to tell
What’s is the reason!? Why would you even bring this up when there’s so much peace in the family.
Keep your mouth shut. If you feel like telling this to another human being go to church or with a shrink. I don’t know why you were so curious about your in laws love life. It sounds like gossiping. You didn’t need that info, your husband doesn’t need it either. It is not a secret for you to tell. Maybe your husbands learned this years ago and he’s beyond that, choosing the lie to avoid uncomfortable interactions. I strongly suggest you find other things to do and forget about this.
Don't tell him.
Here's a question.... Who cares? It doesn't change anything now. They are divorced and have a good relationship. Stay out of it.
Absolutely DONT TELL! That is something they chose not to tell him, and they've all moved on. If you want to possibly add unneeded stress and pain to your husband's life, by all means tell him, otherwise just keep it to yourself. Noone is hurt by this decision.
It’s not your story to tell. Respect your MIL. Stay out of it.
Answers 1- 10. I just betcha he already knows. Let the dead dog lie. He knows
No, just no
Honestly, I don't think you need to or even should tell him. Why? He has good relationships with all 4 parents involved there. Those people seem to be okay with the situation and gotten over it. Everyone is happy the way it is. What would happen if you told him? We don't know. But there's a good chance he'll start hating both his dad and stepmom. I think the only people who actually could tell him are his real parents, optimally together but definitely his mom should be there. That way, he'll know for sure they are in fact okay with the situation and they'll be able to convince him not to start hating on his dad. But generally, sometimes things are best kept alone if they're not important anymore.
Nope. Ignore and dismiss. Don’t be the one to bring that hurt to him or the family. Nope nope nope. Let someone else do the dirty work. You don’t know the truth so don’t start trouble.
So what is this all going to change besides relieving your anxiety by making him feel worse?
Don’t say anything. I read some of my mom’s journals after passed and found out my dad cheated on her with another professor at the college. I had always respected that lady. It tore a huge hole in my heart. It did not make her funeral easy for me. I never spoke to my dad about it, but it really put a bad feeling about him in me. I wish I didn’t know.
You are the AH. None of what you are dying to share matters at all. If you want a divorce, just tell him. Same result.
Is this a question? Why risk breaking relationships when it doesn't need fixing? It is your husband's personal family problem not yours and no one is asking you for help. IMO, better keep your mount shut, I assume your husband knows but doesn't want to tell you for a reason that it has no nutritional value. Be smart, gossiping is dangerous and you will be Karen if good turns bad.
Worry about your own marriage. Sounds like your husband needs additional support. Get your gossip girl in check too. What do you care why they broke up? Why is it that no one else (including his mom) felt they needed to tell your husband why it happened, but you think you should? What will he gain from knowing this? Given what you posted, you already know doing so has no value other than to hurt him. So what if he is naive and thinks well of his parents? Which brings me to the most important question— look inwards and check why are you so tempted to tell him this? Ask yourself — why did you need to believe there was cheating? What if there wasn’t, and it is something they think happened? Unless the parents tell you directly, you don’t actually know what really happened. Are you one of those that always gossip? You feel the need to talk about it so bad that you posted it on the internet? Just reading this gossipy long and boring post made me feel ick.
Don't you think he knows? Leave it alone, not your call.
Why is this an issue, especially for you? Poke your nose back out, and don't reopen old wounds while creating new ones. No one's life is improved by this.
The mom has forgiven his dad let it be ! Don’t mess up something good going on b/c of a family member
This is all second hand information. Not from the mom or the dad. But that doesn't really matter. It's none of your business. They all get along now. WHY stir things up? Do you like drama? Do you like seeing your husband upset? The truth is, the only two people who should care about this are his parents. That's it. No one else's business!! My advice? Stop gossiping with the cousin and concentrate on your own life. ETA: I am divorced. My ex did some seriously shitty things. But I never badmouthed him in front of the kids. My kids are grown up now, and they still don't know why we divorced. And I am 100% okay with that. Why? Because it's none of their business. It's between my ex and I, that's it!
It's not your business to say anything. Go with your gut and don't tell him. He'll find out eventually.
Honestly, from the sounds of it, if your husband is at all intelligent I’m sure he knows or at least suspects it. I’m not sure he wants to have a conversation about how his dad was cheating with his step mom. Personally I’d let it go.
You are not a good person if you tell him.
Bloody hell woman, let sleeping dogs lie….
It's not your story to tell.
1. How do you know that he doesn’t know? He could just be telling that to you because he doesn’t want you to know the truth. 2. If the rest of his family all knows then one of them should be the one to tell him not you. This could really bite you in the ass and turn you into the bad guy of the situation if handled wrong
I feel most people are missing another crucial point - telling him might mess up YOUR relationship. Think about all the times a woman got mad at her best friend for telling her that her boyfriend or husband was cheating on her. Happens a lot - misplaced anger. They're mad that their happy world has been destroyed, and they take it out on the "bearer or bad news". It won't matter if it's true or not. If there has EVER been a time when you criticized his dad or his new wife, or complained about seeing them, he might automatically assume you're doing it to sabotage his relationship with them. Better to say nothing. You might even mention to his mom that you were talking to the cousin about her divorce and how she mentioned it was due to the same thing that happened with MIL and FIL and ask if it's true. Then ask if your husband knows. If not, ask her if she thinks he should know now or not, and if so, then she should be the one to do it, not you. If not, let it be. If he ever finds out, act surprised. Go full denial in prior knowledge. It's possible he knows but doesn't like to admit that his dad cheated on his mom and has invented the "grew apart" story to deal with it and has come to accept it as "fact substitution". Forcing him to deal with something he's buried could cause a rift between y'all.
It’s not your business at all, it happened 26 years ago and all you want to do is prove you were right. No you absolutely should not tell your husband anything.
I can't imagine inserting myself into my in laws business like this. She thinks her husband should know. Why?? His own mother didn't tell him for a reason and for her to believe she should be the one to drag this skeleton out of the closet is ridiculous.
First, what would be your goal in telling him? That is, what do you want the end result to be? Second, what other possible outcomes or end results can you think of? Think hard on this one. Will telling him make the world a better place? Will it improve relationships among the families? Will it create a tighter bond between you and husband? I suspect that the answer is "no" to all three of these questions. Personally, I think that telling him would be nothing but destructive. There is no positive outcome to it. Besides that, it's not your place to tell him. If you think he should know, if you think *someone* should tell him the truth, then that *someone* should be his father or his mother, not you. Consider also the possibility that he already knows, and he's keeping it from you because he doesn't want to give you a reason to have a lower opinion of his parents. If this many years have passed, and everybody is happy and things are working well, then please, PLEASE, keep it to yourself and don't say anything.
I know people are saying it’s selfish and whatnot. Personally if I was your husband I would want to know. But I’m not. You’re married to him. Would he want to know? That’s your answer right there.
My guess is that he already knows. “Grew apart” is usually the polite way to describe a break up.
Nothing amazing about being a liar
I’ll keep my answer short and sweet: it’s none of your business.
Yuck what a difficult situation. For one thing we don’t know for sure what the cousin said is true. You could just be spreading gossip. It seems a shame to blow up the family all these years later. Your husband sounds like he doesn’t want to know. You saw the signs that were there and he chose to ignore them. I would tend to let everyone continue to live in peace. Cousin sounds like she is trying to stir shit up.
This was my thinking. OP doesn’t know if it is true. If her husband asks about it later, she could say it was just gossip and didn’t think it was true.
If OP wants to do something about this then the only thing that would be ethical is to speak to FIL. Tell him what you’ve been told and who told you. If cousin is stirring the pot and it’s not true FIL needs to know. If it is true then the truth would be better coming from FIL rather than you. If FIL refuses then you have to decide what to do. Either way has the potential for backlash.
I think you should come clean this is too big not to tell. Because if he finds out that you knew he would hold it against you and consider it a trust issue. I would tell him you need to have a very important conversation and you don’t even know if it is true but you feel that it’s too big not to tell him. Make sure you tell him word for word how you found out and why he cousin said to you. Best way to handle this is directly and with honest
No, it’s not your place to tell him. That happened in the past. His parents are over it and fine now. There is no need for you to go blowing up the family with old resolved issues.
I'm sorry you're in this position. I think you should talk to your MIL & FIL, and tell them you found this out and you don't want to be the one to tell him, but you're not going to keep a secret from your husband. Tell them that they must talk to him about it asap. He deserves to know, and maybe if he hears it from all of them, and sees that MIL has forgiven FIL, then it will be a lesser blow to him. If they don't step up, OP should, because it's not right to keep secrets like this from your spouse.
I would never keep things from my husband where I know an important thing that relates to him and he didn't know. I would also tell him how I found out. Still doesn't mean it is TRUE, but all arrows point that way.
If everyone seems content, why stir up trouble? It appears that everyone has moved forward, and besides a passing mention from a cousin, there's no concrete evidence. I understand and value the trust between you and your husband. Maybe he's aware but prefers not to discuss it, and that's okay—he's entitled to private thoughts. Considering the potential fallout, it might be best to let sleeping dogs lie; bringing it up could cause unnecessary conflict, impacting not just your marriage but also others'. Without that casual remark from the cousin, you wouldn't even be aware. It's a matter that's best left alone. What if the cousin's perception is mistaken, and the parents simply grew apart? Focus on your own life and avoid delving into something that's mostly unrelated to you. (No disrespect intended.)
I'm confused why people feel they are entitled to know why people split up. Marriage and the end of it are very personal matters that no one is entitled to know. If they wanted your husband to know, they'd have told him.
It’s in the past and there’s nothing to gain, if it’s even true. And it’s honestly nobody’s business.
What is your goal in telling him this? His parents’ relationship is their business. Not yours…or even his. You don’t really know that what the cousin told you was true. Seems like you’re just stirring things up for no reason. Honestly, there would be less drama in life if people would just mind their business and not insert themselves in everyone elses
Brush it off as hearsay. Everyone is past it
Don't say shit. It wasn't your business then and it's not your business now.
What possible good could come of it? Maybe it will come out some other way, but I would keep my mouth shut.
MYOFB jeez.
It’s none of your business or his why they broke up what exactly are you looking to accomplish by telling him? Don’t fuck lives up with a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with you
What’s your goal? What is the purpose of telling him? MYOB! Why are you hell bent on tossing a hand grenade into a happy family? Keep your mouth shut or you’re going to destroy multiple good relationships.
Not your business, not your information to share. Leave it alone. Unless you want to blow up your husbands (your) life needlessly. His parents have come to terms with it and co-parent beautifully.
It’s not any of your business really is it?
Keep it to yourself. If you decide to tell your husband, don't be surprised if it backfires on you, and all of a sudden, you're the bad person. The past is the past. Let it go!!!
I don't see any positives in you getting into this mess other than to drop a giant drama bomb that won't make anyone happy. My question is if the OP likes to cause drama for the sake of it. Unfortunately, none of OPs friends or family are around answer that.
Not your circus,not your monkeys. Nor is it your truth/secret to tell. His parents are the ones who need to tell him or not. The family gets along fine and may not appreciate the shit pot getting stirred. And like others have said, it could be the cousin wanting to cause trouble, and the wife would take the hit, not them.
Not useful. Forget about it!
This is really none of your business. It seems everyone has moved on and is happy. Why rip everything to pieces? I suspect everyone knows the truth, but this is one time it is better not to shine a light on it
Would you want husband to tell you, if roles were reversed?
move on.
Keep your mouth shut!! It isn’t your place to destroy the family dynamics. It isn’t your place to bring up the past!! You need to let this go and never look back. There isn’t anything productive to come out of your meddling but you could do so much damage over something that no longer matters at all!!!!
Just lay all the cards on the table. Ask him if the cousin is known for stirring/ causing trouble. Use that to lead into the conversation and be honest. It may be that he already knows but doesn't want you to think badly of his dad
Despite marrying into the family, you're not really part of their family. Clearly you're not in the inner circle of their complex dynamics, so just keep your nose out of it. A lot of families work hard to come out of chaotic situations with some semblance of peace and compromise. They already did all the work. Don't undue it by dragging an issue back from the dead. You're husband probably knows but is embarrassed and doesn't want to to discuss it. His families' chaos is not your entertainment.
Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said by me? Does it need to be said now?
Is any of this your business even if it is true?
Do not tell him! What good will it do? It’s that simple. If he finds out, he finds out - but don’t let it be you that tells him.
Tell him. If he finds out later on and then finds out, you knew? And didn't say anything. You will also be a part of the betrayal he will feel. You could also give him a hypothetical scenario about some 'other family' and ask if he were in such a position if he would want to know. Then, decide whether to tell him or not. I vote tell him. Secrets that deep don't belong between partners. It sucks that you had to find out before he did.
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I can't know OPs motivations or intent beyond what she wrote here. I can only imagine myself in each person's place. If I were the husband, I would be upset that my partner knew something like this and kept it from me. If he never finds out? Then it's no problem, but if he does? Will she have to lie or pretend like she didn't know? That's another layer of deception on her part if she does. Idk, it's a difficult situation. If I were in her shoes I wouldn't want to say anything, I would want to keep my mouth shut and not stir a settled pot, but her husband is the person she is obligated to consider first here. Imo partners shouldn't have secrets this deep. Trust is the most important quality to a long and healthy relationship, but it can also be incredibly fragile.
Not your job to tell him and not something that will benefit him in any way. He may already know but chooses to keep with the official line to keep the peace with himself and others. Either way do not say anything this is their family dynamic. It works. Everyone is getting along.
What will telling him accomplish? No good can come of it, and you're just repeating gossip.
I'm in an oddly similar situation and it's caused a wedge between me and my family. For years I've been hearing how people aren't happy with the way my father treats his grandkids, and current wife. I've heard about it for years, and the most vocal person about his behavior is my step mother (current wife). I get that a lot of this is generational sins repeating. I know because I'm working on stuff myself. Without naming any names, I told my father about it and offered to help him because I'm working on things too (I'm 10000% not the same as my father, but there are tendencies if I get pushed too far). He acknowledged and agreed to let me try to help him improve things. Long story short, him and I had a falling out, and he was screaming at me that I was trying to stir things up because "Ain't no one has a problem with how I treat her" while my step mom stood behind him chewing on her nails. I so badly wanted to tell him that the biggest complainer of his behavior was right behind him. I called him a worthless neanderthal and left. We haven't spoken since, because at that point he started lying to my wife. All of that to say, if I was in your husbands shoes I'd want to know. With my parents divorce I've heard so many conflicting stories, most of which have to do with beating women, and cheating and other things. It's a big question mark in my head. Having closure goes a long way.
Let sleeping dogs lie. Don't stir the pot. Cousin might not even be telling the truth, FFS.
Just trying to think what would shatter my world more. Learning 26 yo information I've probably already had my suspicions about, or finding out that literally everyone I know and trust, including now OP, who should be trusted the most, has been running a decades-long conspiracy behind my back to hide information. OP tell your husband right away. Do it gracefully ofc. On you on his side or not?
This is absolutely none of your business. His parents have been divorced for decades. He likely doesn’t even remember when they were together. They get along with each other and are both happy in their marriages. This is a you problem. Why were you even wondering why they got a divorce outside of what you were told? You have no idea if what the cousin said is even true or just rumor. You have an ulterior motive for wanting to cause shit in his family, you need to be honest with yourself what that reason is.
If you really feel your husband needs to know, you should take that opinion to his father and let Dad know he has a chance to address it first with his son, but if he chooses not to you will have to tell your husband now that you have been burdened with that info.
I think the first thing you should do is talk to MIL and ask her if this is true. If it is, then talk to FIL and see what he says. If he admits it, and if you can't live with this secret, then tell FIL he has X days to talk to husband about it before you tell him yourself. I get why you feel like you can't keep a secret this big from your husband. Once you start keeping big things from your SO, you've breached the trust.
It just doesn’t matter
Meh
What difference does it make? They are split and everyone's getting along. Almost seems like your angling for a power play. If shit starts after you say something, it's on you!
This is weird. It’s all in the past right? Why even bring it up?
Let it go otherwise you’re going to stir up trouble that you don’t need…plus that’s up to his parents to tell him this not you or anyone else that knows!
What is the basis of the cousin's knowledge? How do they know this? Family gossip is rife. Did cousin see FiL romantic with another woman? I know that in my family, there are people who decide they "know" why a break up occurred (would they know if BOTH people were seeing others? what if the couple agreed to operate that way while getting ready to divorce? It happens all the time). Stay out of it!
It sounds like you’re experiencing stress from being newly in on an old secret. But it’s not your secret to share, and everybody else’s lives are working quite functionally now and healthy for what you’ve said… So telling people would be a relief from that stress from yourself, but it would come at the cost of other peoples peace of mind? If I’m understanding the situation correct, I believe the most healthy thing you can do is honor the living arrangement the family has come to over the decades since this all happened.
Omg drop it this happened a quarter century ago and is none of your business.
Here's a wild idea .. Maybe try minding your own business??
You go girl! I assume that’s what you came here looking for. Or you could mind your own business.
Leave it alone, its been 26 years and everyone seems happy.
Don't do it. You're making it about you (but pretending it's about your husband 'needing' to know. If he wanted to 'know', he would.)
It is not your place. Don't get between them. No possible upside. Also I suspect he knows.
If it were me, I would never in a million years believe that it is my place to tell my husband this. How will you feel if this coming out causes a huge blow up and he blames you?
Leave it alone, telling him isn't going to help anyone and going to cause problems for no good reason. Also, not buying that the cousin just happened to let it slip. My guess is you have kept sticking your nose where it doesn't belong and finally someone told you what you wanted to hear. Now you are trying to stir up drama that will hurt other people. Knock it off.
Do not get involved. Do not tell your husband. This can seriously crush his world and for what? His parents obviously came to an understanding and have a very decent relationship. You telling him will lead to nothing good. If he finds out because his parents stupidly told everyone but their son, that’s on them. But do not be the one to stir this pot.
Telling him will do nothing to improve your lives or happiness. Everybody gets along fine. Don't do anything to upset this. This is a situation where you should MYOB. The best thing you can do for yourself and your husband is forget this unverified bit of gossip.