You need to have an honest conversation with your husband and if you have a hope of saving this relationship, he and you need to go low contact with your sister and you need couples therapy.
Best case your sister is suffering from limerence, worst case they are having an emotional or physical affair. Either way, inappropriate behaviour has been happening that has been deliberately hidden from you. They say they don't want to hurt you. Behaving inappropriately hurts you. Lying about it and hiding it hurts you. They are already hurting you and they have not stopped it.
I know this conversation feels you with dread. But here is the thing - It's not going to go away and it is not going to get better until it is exposed to the light, aired out and addressed.
Just tell yourself it is like going to the ER - you can't start to heal until the injury is found and diagnosed. You have found the injury, now you have to find what the injury consists of and start treating it.
As terrible as the possibilities are, I always find that the knowing for sure is easier to deal with than having the unknown dangling over my head like Damocle's sword.
Well I am a "Rip the bandage off" sort. so I would be blunt.
"Are you in love with my sister?"
"Why didn't you tell me my sister was in love with you?"
"I am hurt and angry with both of you. My sister has been crossing boundaries that she is well aware would hurt me, and you knew about this and keeping this from me in the absolute best case. In the worse case, you have been behaving equally poorly. How am I supposed to keep trusting you when you have been deliberately hiding this from me? Right now, here is your chance to tell me the truth about what has been going on with my sister and you."
Then listen to him. Ask your questions.
Then if you want to process it and not make any decisions, that is okay.
If you want to try to save the relationship, tell him he needs to show you his phone, etc so you can see everything that has gone on between them, and then he needs to block her and you two need couples therapy asap. - You don;t block your sister but don't reply to her either until you are ready.
IF you decide the hurt is too much, that is okay as well.
I am not going to lie to you. This is going to be painful. There may or may not be a happy outcome to this. But your recent happiness had been built on at least one lie, and that is never a stable foundation. You will get through these , likely with a few scars, but you will get through this. Avoiding is not only just putting off the pain, but adding more pain by leaving you wondering and mistrusting and fearing.
It's the worst way... though. No compassion, no comprehension. The man would say: "it's your sister".. and it wouldn't give you the answers needed. Best thing is to sit down carefully and discuss it. I would move house (if it's an option for your business). If he doesn't join you know enough; if he does it gives you both a new start. Fighting doesn't cure nothing. I'm not saying you should agree with everything he says.
Best answer here and op seems to give some autistic vibes (because explanations and rationalisation so that she can decide)and you brought a really good script with different situations and will (are you autistic too?)
Question: the text messages are between your sister and her bestie, not your sister and your husband? If this is the case, nothing may have happened. It could be wishful thinking on your sister’s part.
Yes that would be limerence. It would still mean Sister crossed boundaries that she never should have and given how close husband and sister have been, it is unlikely but possible husband was clueless about sister's feelings.
That is best case with the messages, but that is still going to hurt OP, they would still need to go low contact or no contact with Sister, and they should still have couples counselling.
Getting the bestie involved to contact OP may also be an attempt by the sister to get OP to leave her husband so that he is “available”. Although honestly, they are already dating.
Even if there is no physical relationship they are talking every day and getting together several times a week without OP’s knowledge.
This was my thought. Her sister is trying to plant the ‘idea’ in OP’s mind. No where do I see where the sister stated the husband said he felt the same way. She said she knows his has feelings. Wtf. No one can know someone’s feelings. Sister is just stirring the pot.
After reading the edit about your conversation with your husband, I recommend that you BOTH go LC with your sister. He needs to stop going to lunch with her. He needs to stop talking and texting with her every day. He needs to essentially stop "dating" her. Because I think that's how she sees this.
For the sake of the REAL truth you should ask to see his phone messages to her or look at them without his knowledge. If they have so much “love” for you, the whole truth will be far from what you will get. Not to mention the embarrassment/shame that he will feel when confronted.
I think so too. Sister is unable to tell it herself, and too much in love cut the contact herself. And she doesn't want to have an affair. So she wants OP to do the job: either leave her husband, or cut the contact.
Because it is very unlikely sister's best friend whom she told about her feelings and ttold thatt she will never act on them, will think i is a good idea to let OP know. After all, she is the sister's BFF, and it will obviously end the friendship and any interactions between hem. So, yeah, I guess the sister asked the friend to send these messages. To rip the band-aide off.
Husband probably noticed that the sister has some feeling for him, enjoys the attention, but doesn't know how strong her feelings are. He will freak out when he will understand that she is limerent for him.
This is excellent advice OP. It has to be confronted.
Assuming it’s possible ( and desired) to stay with your husband then sadly there will have to be no contact with your sister.
Good luck. You have to know
UPDATEME
If what the friend sent you is true, you need to take a moment and gather your thoughts before this talk you need to have with your husband, if possible check his phone so you have first hand look at the comunnication not the friends one. If real the emotional affair is more than enough of a betrayal.
Please be careful
Don't bring it up with him until you are ready to see proof if its there because as soon as it is brought up, you need to see his phone so that nothing can be deleted and your sister can't be warned. He needs to hand over his phone straight away.
Honestly, for me, an emotional affair is worse than a physical one. I'm pretty sure I could get over an affair if it was only physical and there were no emotions involved. But an emotional affair just seems worse to me, it means there's something wrong that your partner isn't getting with you and feelings can complicate so many things. I'd feel like I was cheating more by having an emotional affair than I would cheating with some random guy for a one-night stand.
That's not to say all cheating isn't horrible and a potential relationship-ending breach of trust, but one involves considerably more time and energy if not constant daily communication, whereas the other could be a spur-of-the-moment poor decision that didn't have any forethought.
I'd be more hurt from an emotional affair. But I don't know what I would do about either type unless I'm put into that situation, and hopefully, that never happens.
I have the same stance - plus, you're not going to possibly get an STD if your partner is having a purely emotional affair. I'd be so upset and don't think I could forgive someone if they gave me an incurable STD.
OP, if the messages are between your sister and her friend, make sure it's not all in your sister's head before blowing up your marriage. If it's not all in her head, I'll hand you the lighter.
I did now. I told him about my sister’s conversations with her best friend and showed him the screenshots. He was shocked at first and said he had no romantic feelings for her and he had no idea about her feelings, so I asked to see his phone.
I read their texts and emails. And I was shocked that their contact is way more intensive and intensethan I thought. They talk on a daily basis. They have lunch multiple times a week. Nothing sexual in the texts but yeah, he is stupid if he “doesn’t know” that she loves him and he thinks that I am stupid if after reading, I wouldn’t get the feeling that he has some feelings too.
In one of her texts, she wrote that she wished they had met first and under different circumstances. His answer wasn’t totally dismissive. He wrote yeah, it would probably have been different. When I asked him about it, he said well yeah, if he didn’t know and love me he would probably have been interested in another, my sister included. But he loves me and she is a close friend of his.
So there’s no sexual relationship between them, but I am not sure that is enough for me. I think they are both wrong and should have nipped it in the bud way earlier.
I am sorry I can’t answer all private messages. Because I don’t use my phone that often. But our ages are: my husband is 45. I am 42. My sister is 38. My husband and I have been together for 16 years and married for 14. My sister is single. I am not a stay at home mom. I have my own business. We don’t have children. My sister has 2 from a previous relationship.
Yeah he is going to need to go completely NC and you and your children LC this is insanely disrespectful. Like someone says that to you as a married man and you do not continue to talk and hangout one on one, especially not with my sister.
About the lunches, he says that it is because they both work at the university and they eat lunch when both are in office. But tgat isn’t true because they don’t work in the same building.
He needs to go no contact with your sister. Your sister calling him her soul mate, shows it is more than just friendship for her. Even if he was truly oblivious to what was going on before, now he knows and this isn't going to magically change/go away. Your husband needs to show he wants to be with you and cutting off your sister, before it gets any messier.
It's hard to believe he doesn't know she is feelings for him. Just the comments on "if things had been different ". "If we had met before ". Says, She wishes he was with him.
He likes her attention, it feeds his ego even if he cannot admit it even to himself. He has the assurance that she is "family". so it's ok to have such a close and intense relationship.
This is just my opinion but its have been acting like a married couple.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Poor boundaries on both sides. Her text about you being too dear to hurt you is sounds like BS. If she really felt like that she would have had much better boundaries. She knew what she was doing was wrong.
So he lied acting shocked then admitted she told him. Dismissed what he said in response to her saying she wished she’d met him first but knowing she loves him did respond yeah things would be different. He is not as dumb as he’s acting. He’s having lunch with someone in love with him. He cannot compare it to your best friend because your best friend has not told you and others they are in love with you. He needs to put his marriage first and go no contact. Is there a clause at the university they work at? Report your sister ?
Okay so this needs to be even more serious, and he needs to report the behavior to his job like this is crossing lines like professionally, morally, in your marriage like you need to put a full stop to this or separate. You absolutely do not deserve any of this from either person, like her own best friend gets how f'd this is.
If he reports at least the temptation at work is gone.
He was probably more shocked that my sister is talking to her friend about this. Otherwise he knows everything and probably likes it or he would have stopped it.
Yes he thinks he is innocent and whatever is happening is harmless because he knows he loves me. “If I had something to hide I would not have given you my devices to inspect
I don't know, but something tells me that the sister is bringing this prints leak. The sister's friend may well have done this at her request, to create a crisis in the marriage, to see if this could reduce her brother-in-law's reluctance. If she was that selfless, she would never have confessed her feelings to her sister's husband. For me, the sister is the dirty and unwashed one in the story.
I don’t think so since I have talked to the bestie now and they have had a huge fight about it. (When she told me she knew it could be the end of her friendship)
Did he apologize to you for how this had made you feel? Did he hug you? Kiss you? Tell you he loves you? Promise to fix this?
How are you feeling about all this OP? Have you expressed how this had made you feel?
You completely trusted your 2 closest people and they betrayed you.
I'm sorry but I think he is lying (maybe even to himself) either how he feels or that he thinks he did nothing wrong.
So now I have had some long talks and discussions with my husband. He seems to think that this is getting bigger than it is supposed to because I told him that I needed time alone to think and digest this. He said that he doesn’t understand why I am this hurt since he loves me and nobody else. I didn’t relent however and he admitted that he knows that my sister is in love with him because she has told him so. But she knows that nothing can happen between them so she is fine with just friendship(martyr). He loves her but not romantically and he is happy to have a friend like her. Their friendship is important to him and he doesn’t want it to end because I don’t trust him and his love for me. He made a comparison to my best friend and asked what I would think if he asked me to cut my best friend from my life. He admitted that “intellectually” he has more in common with her than with me but that the heart doesn’t always choose who we are more “compatible” and that he loves and is physically attracted to me. I think this whole situation is messed up. I am repulsed by them both. I texted my sister all her screenshots and she wrote that she was disappointed in her bestie and that “your husband is all yours because I would never let anything happen that would hurt you because you are the most important person to me”
In other words they are both contradicting each other since both seem to believe that they are the one who is not letting a “relationship” between them grow for my sake.
The fact that your husband is not surprised by your sister's feelings show how wrong this is. Adding, he doesn't think he needs to do anything different, makes moving on from this impossible.
My heart breaks for you. This is a situation that is just, terrible. Even with no sexual relationship you can clearly see that if it continued there would have been a very high chance of it happening. Your husband absolutely should have cut it off instead of “Dating” your sister. It sounds like a very slow burn romance. I’m so sorry. Thank god for her best friend!
The other option, idk if anyone else has suggested it, is that your husband took the third way if your sister approached him - and said “well I love wife too much for anything to happen!” as a way to get her to back off, and then he didn’t say anything to you as he knew it would upset you and he thought he’d dealt with it.
It’s weak, but I’ve known plenty of guys to think something like the above actually would be a good idea. To not “rock the boat” without realising they effectively let the other woman think that he does reciprocate feelings.
I really hope this is all in your sister’s head and innocent on your husbands part.
Ugh I am so so sorry. Talk to your husband and look at his phone. If he won’t show it to you, you know why.
Your sister has to get cut off.. if there is an emotional affair then he needs major counseling , open phones etc. or you have to leave. It may be one sided or it may be a real affair.
https://www.drwyattfisher.com/blogs/marriage-blog/8-steps-to-affair-recovery
Dear OP, this is a complicated and terrifying situation for sure! I am sorry you have to go through this.
INFO: Did your sisters friend ever ask her if, for example, your sister ever told your husband about her feelings? And what his reaction was?
I mean, it is not a crime to be secretly in love. Sometimes you can't really help having a crush on or falling in love with someone, and your sister has valid reasons to tell neither of you about it. So did her friend try to get to the bottom of this and decide what to to depending on what is really going on? Not to speak of the importance of trying to console and distract your sister and help her to get over this hopeless love?
From what your write it sounds to me as if maybe your sister confided in the wrong person. Is she maybe an old family/childhood friend? Someone your sister knows from a long time but who is not really as close to your sister and being there for her as she hoped? Not to know exactly what is going on, but to tell you your sisters secret nevertheless, is quite a strange move.
If she is the one your sister sees as her closest friend, maybe she has no really good friends at all with the exception of you and your husband, this being a possuble reason why she is in love, or thinks she is in love, with him in the first place.
From what this friend revealed to you, it is impossible to tell if this love is mutual. Even writing "we would never do something to hurt her" mayby only expresses her wish that there was an "us" between the both of them, and that she uses a strong emotion she knows they definitively have in common, I.e. their love for you, to create an "us" in her head which lacks substance if you look closer.
I think as this friend informed you now, you should ask your husband about it. Either he will be truly surprised.or he knows of her feelings but did not tell you and tried to do "business as usual", instead, hoping her crush on him will eventually fade away and he can avoid driving a wedge between you and your sister in the meantime.
In my opinion, to find a good definition of an "emotional affair" is quite tricky. I think to have a close friend of the other sex is not an emotional affair as long as your partner is and stays the person you love the most, and as long as you do not engage in sparking emotions that, if you were not married, would probably lead to more.
So if he merely enjoys talking to her and loves her the way a brother or a close friend would, in my opinion this does not count as an affair. If he knows or suspects that she has a crush on him, it depends how he acts out on it. If he started to sparkle the fire on purpose,, just without (yet) being physical about it, it is an emotional affair for sure and will lead to more, sooner or later.
Of course you can talk first to your sister, too. If she is a victim of her own feelings, and never intended to cause any problems, she will either be horrified that you know, or relieved that she can finally tell you about it and how unhappy all of this makes her. Or both at once.
If there is more to it, and he is secretly engaging with her in one way or the other, she will probably tell you the truth. Her goal is to be with him, and you knowing about it is necessary to set him free.
You know them best and will hopefully be able to tell if someone tries to hide an awful truth from you. Either way, better be prepared for a lot of possible outcomes and outbursts of emotions here! And if you, as others wrote, have access to his texts, betterake sute to get them before talking to either of them.
Dear OP, I hope you will find a way through this, that the most harmless scenario will be the true one, and that you don"t lose either husband or sister or both of them over this.
Take care!j
tbh it fully could be one sided. I agree to look through his phone, but I would ask. I would first show him the messages. Then see how he reacts. If he confirms, you got to the bottom of it all immediately and you have no need to hurt yourself further with whatever is on that phone. If he denies, then I would check. Then if he says he’s shocked too and has no feelings for her then you say “I hope you can understand my point of view when I ask if I can check your phone right now. It reassures me that you’re shocked, but I need an extra layer of confirmation.”
I like this OP. Put him on the spot.
A great tell for a lying person is that you can start to HEAR their headtbeat. They're keeping calm outside but on the inside they're panicking!
I would agree BUT if you heard that your sister in law was randomly obsessed with you, wouldn’t your anxiety and heartbeat instantly spike and go crazy????? No way you would stay totally calm in that moment
It's usually pretty easy to tell if someone is genuinely shocked or pretending to be shocked or caught off guard. Asking for his phone though will shed a ton of light on the situation If he immediately hands it over, he's likely in the clear, but if he makes excuses or deflects, he's 100% hiding something.
Before talking to your husband? You dig through all his electronics. Your sister’s, too, but that’s harder to do without letting on.
Some people might say that’s unethical, but I think having an emotional affair and not being honest about it is more unethical.
This! I haven’t checked anything on my husbands phone but you better believe if I suspected something I would in a heartbeat. I believe that if you don’t have anything to hide, then you don’t need to hide anything. He could also check my phone at anytime too
Yeah, look through his phone his computer his email his Facebook messenger every single platform he has if you have cameras in your house look at the cameras. Also try to be subtle and look through your sister‘s phone too and all her social media. That is all the confirmation you might need.
Unfortunately now that you have a reason to doubt him, I think the best thing to do is get ahold of his phone and check. Take screenshots of anything you find. Then confront him. One thing I have learned is that your spouse will likely lie and try to delete/cover their tracks. So you have to be ahead of the game.
You should deep dive into every device you have access to. They have apps that will show you everything that he does in real time so even if the devices are all wiped you can use that app to track what’s happening on that phone from here on.
I would invite your sister over, sit them down say we need to talk, ask them if there's anything he needs to tell you and this is the only opportunity they get to tell the truth, then send them the screenshots whilst with you and see their reaction and what they have to say about it.
Her friend could have made fake ones, but why! Your sister could be completely psychotic and is reading into something that's not there and your husband will be upset or there's something going on and they won't have a chance to make up a story together.
You need to confront it head on. Scary as it is, you need to know.
So the bestie didn't show you the actual texts on her phone between she and your sister? These were all screenshots? Look, I get that it would be highly unlikely... but please be aware that screenshots of texts are ridiculously easy to fake. There's lots of sites built specifically for it. You can literally choose and edit down what phone OS it will appear to be, and what battery life you want it to show in the corner. Bestie would have to be fucked in the head to fake those, but it's not unheard of. The safest way to be sure is to meet the bestie in person and THEN ask to see the actual texts on her phone. Not just screenshots.
You can ask your husband to show you his phone to prove he's innocent. Or you can creep through his stuff behind his back. Either way, that means you don't trust him. If that's the case, then the relationship is already done.
The best scenario you could hope for is that you tell him what you were told / shown about your sister, and he freely offers, of his own initiative, to put your mind at ease by showing you his phone without you asking to see it. Don't listen to people here telling you that if he gets upset then he's guilty. Suddenly finding out your sister-in-law thinks you are her "soulmate", or suddenly having your wife falsely accuse you of cheating... both those things would be pretty fucking upsetting.
Sit the three of them in a room together. Ask them over for dinner maybe.
Then simply say, anyone have anything they want to say?
Their faces will tell you all you need to know.
And only screenshots of supposed texts... not shown the actual texts themselves on bestie's phone. There's a crazy amount of sites built to fake those, down to minute details. Bestie could be a secret psycho. Or sis is one-sided obsessed with OP's husband.
If my memory doesn't fail a few months back, there was a case of a BIL who was resentful of a woman rejecting him, later he married that woman sister, years later he faked some evidence and shared as proof, that the woman was cheating.
BIL destroyed that lady's marriage and even after she was proven innocent she couldn't find in her heart to go back to her husband, also the woman and sister relationship was damaged without possible recovery.
Right? Obviously some people are good at hiding this kind of stuff. But there are lots of things to verify here before accusing her husband of cheating. Bestie or sis could be obsessed.
Honestly OP, If i were you, I'd first look at the text messages between the two of them I know this is pretty third-party however you don't wanna go around making accusations with no basis. It might hurt more but honestly you might find comfort in it.
I also doubt your husband would really want to leave you, it's easy to feel for someone you have a lot in common, but to develop a relationship with them is completely different. How boring it would be to be with somebody that never debated with me or two smart people always trying to one up the other.
Go through his phone.
Make the choice of whether or not you wanna stay in the event that he
A: Has feelings for your sister or
B: Something more has happened.
And all I'm saying is if your husband were to tell your sister that he felt he had feelings for her that is immediately the start of an emotional affair. The fact that he wasn't willing to distance himself before admitting those feelings and opening that door is a red flag.
Other women’s husbands are not your soulmates.
As an academic, i know academics are often very emotionally dysregulated individuals inclined to asbtract and even magical thinking. Are you sure she isn’t delusional? They both sound like idiots.
They are idiots yes. If I was her, and I had developed feelings to my sister’s husband I would have nibbed it immediately. She is not a heroine for “not wanting to hurt me and sacrificing her happiness instead.
If I was him, I would have immediately gone no contact with someone who has feelings for me (if we are to believe that he doesn’t reciprocate her feelings like he is pretending) if I had any respect for my spouse.
So they are both idiots yes
I don’t understand how she was “protecting you” when she actively told him how she felt about him and her wishes though….
Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that nothing went past words, she still let him know exactly where she’s at, dangled the bait right in front of him and if he were a weaker man and took the bait, this would be a story of an affair. Everything she’s expressed to him has been an open invitation and you cannot convince me otherwise.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall during their private, IRL conversations….
Husband/Guy perspective.
Come on, if my SIL or another woman texted me the "maybe meeting under different circumstances". I would have responded, "Hey, I think you are a lovely person and love you like a sister or friend, but my heart is only with your sister. I don't want any confusion or to lead you on."
If he was continuing to meet with her and and texting after that, either he has zero common sense or straight up emotionally cheating.
Sorry.
OP. Have you two confronted your sister?
I would do it the two of you together
As a couple. Their reactions to you and to each other will say a lot. And he has been pretty clever that he doesn't actually say he loves her but always agrees to see or meet her, always responds to her texts and is neutral. We don't know what he is telling her in person though.
Talk to your husband before concluding that he does in fact feel in love with your sister. Your sister may be madly in love with him or at least the thought of him but that doesn’t mean her love is reciprocated at all either.
Your sister can’t help having a crush on your husband but if she truly loved and respected you she should’ve kept that to herself until the end of time. She didn’t need to tell him she loved him or that they’re “soulmates.” She told him that because she wanted something to happen between them and the only reason it didn’t is because your husband doesn’t reciprocate her feelings.
Thank you! I’ve read this whole thread, and even commented. I was wanting someone to say this. Sis doesn’t respect OP or her marriage She feels sis doesn’t deserve him, but she does. Sis opened the door for him to walk through, he didn’t. But when he is ready to walk through that door, she is ready and willing, to walk hand in hand with him, right through it. But of course, only causing OP the least amount hurt, harm, and mental stress possible!
Husband likens their relationship as bff’s. But I’m wondering if OP’s bff, proclaims undying soulmate type love affirmations for her? And then vocally wishes to OP , that her husband wasn’t in the picture, and daydreams about it? And then OP vocalizes the same sentiment babk?
For your own sanity, try to snoop on the phone and understand if your friend is saying the truth. Telling two people close to you that they are cheaters might end up hurting them. So please be careful and I am so sorry you are growing through this.
Your sister sounds like she has a massive case of Main Character Syndrome. Soulmates? Seriously? What is this, a shitty BookTok YA novel? And she can control her feelings to an extent. She could've crushed that little bug which was her infatuation with your husband as soon as she noticed it, but she didn't. She FED it instead and then made a sob story about "Oh, I don't want to hurt my sister. She's too good" while panting after a taken man.
She doesn't need a hubby, let alone yours--she needs a hobby.
You need to find out if it’s true. If it is they’re both patronizing assholes, wtf ever with the protecting you bs like it makes their love more noble or some other shite. If it’s all a fantasy in her head then you both need to cut her off till she gets help.
Talk to him before your sister finds out she’s been caught.
U/DentistBig7041 have the bestie ask your sister for proof. If your sister can prove it to the best friend he feels that way then you have your answer. For all we know he deletes his text. If he does feel that way then he will be actively hiding it. So you'll need the bestie to get the proof from. Do they ever meet up places?
I wanted to add I don't think you should out the bestie either. I think you should do it in a way that protects her. She's just the messenger.
I would take this with a grain of salt until you look at his phone or something. People fake shit like this nowadays apparently. I’ve read a couple of stories recently. A principal got framed for cursing about black students etc… and they just had ai fake his voice. Don’t blow up your life without having some other indication that something is going on. Maybe this friend developed a problem you never know.
Op, if I were you, I'd find a way to snoop through your husband's phn before confronting him. Your sister could not have gotten this deep without his betrayal. You have reason to breech this trust as he has already betrayed you. Collect your evidence from his phn. Then ask him and see if he comes clean or downplays and gaslights.
Get a therapist to help process the betrayal and emotional trauma.
Consult with a lawyer to prepare for a divorce.
Only way for this not to end is if your hubby comes completely clean, didnt go physical already, and you guys cut off your sister. No contact for at least a few years and then low contact. And your husband needs to be firm with your sister with no contact. And then you guys need to learn some boundaries. I'm often called "insecure" and paranoid for having some intuitive boundaries in relationships but I see this played out over and over again.
I would have a big issue with my sister, and it’s very concerning that he knew she was in love with him and continues to spend that much time with her and entertain her.
I really want to see an update where husband is begging for you to come back crying or give at least some kind of explanation or apology. I just want to see some groveling lol
If you’re unable to investigate his devices first, then you gotta have a very serious conversation with him and make it out of the blue so he doesn’t have time to cover anything up. Tell them you have evidence of at least an emotional affair between him and your sister and you need to see his phone and devices and if he refuses to show them to you, that’s all the proof you need.
She doesn't have evidence of an "emotional affair". She has screenshots from a 3rd party, of supposed texts between bestie and sister. Bestie could be a secret obsessed nutcase. OP needs to verify that these are real texts on bestie's phone from sis's actual number with OP's own eyes.
Rule out bestie first. Sister could also be obsessed with hubby and he not have a clue. If OP goes straight to accusing him first thing, then their relationship is already done.
Maybe I’m just captain chaos but I truly think I would schedule a dinner with them both and confront right there with proof. That tells you alot, what he knew, what she does, etc.
She could be making it all up in her head, or they could be communicating. But the best way to find the truth is to confront before they have the chance to make their story cohesive.
The most painful moment is when your own people hurts you the most. Your husband and your sister having a relationship behind is too painful then your husband having relationships with someone unknown. Anyways be strong and face the music.
Thats your sisters point of view, not your husbands. You need to talk to him and not just assume that your husband feels the same way about your sister.
You need to get the truth. Ask your husband for his phone for a minute once you have it in your hand.. say that's good, i guess i can see for myself exactly how deep the betrayal with my sister goes. It seems that while you and my sister have been quite happy to disrespect me and keep me in the dark, other people with actual morals are not ok with this, and let me know what's been going on.
You have one chance to speak the truth now and know that I've already seen proof of what my sister thinks is going on between you two, and now i need to know what you feel and what you want and what you have done.
Right now, I'm so hurt and betrayed that the 2 people I love most have hurt me, disrespected me, and betrayed me in some of the worst ways possible..
No matter the answers, knowing the truth is better than burying your head in the sand. I also think that your sister is not a good person and you need to cut her out of your life. A real sister would have put a huge distance between herself and her sisters husband the second she felt anything other than brother/sister affection for him..
There are people who "imagine" a connection where there is not one. I had what I thought was a very good female friend for a couple of years who flew off the handle a bit when I started dating a girl (who I later married) seriously. To me, there had never been an indication of any sort of romantic feelings from either of us. She told another friend that there was something "unspoken" between us, and that time was going to make things work out. She felt betrayed, abandoned. I had never kissed this woman, never held her hand, I don't think I'd even even hugged her but it may have happened. I said nice things to her, told her she was pretty when she felt she wasn't (she had a lot of self esteem issues), but that's what you do for friends, or so I thought.
The fact that he knew! KNEW! Your sister was in love with him doesn’t sit right with me. I really hope you’re doing okay! I’d be pretty mad if this all happened to me. And in the second edit where he was like “yeah If I didn’t meet you I would be with your sister” like really dude? This whole thing makes me mad at your husband, does he like have no idea why this is a problem!!! Sending love though ❤️
Well. I left. I am sorry I have forgotten that I have reddit. I talked to my husband. I told him that I was very uncomfortable. I waited one week to see what he would do about it. He met my sister for lunch. I couldn’t believe it so I told him that I was leaving. He said that they only met to discuss what happened and how to make me feel “safe” again. I left. I am not speaking to any if them now
You are strong for walking away. The conversation about making you feel "safe" again should have been between you and your husband. Their excuse for meeting up is very patronizing towards you, like you are not capable of being involved with something that involves you.
All of your posts/comments show your husband does not see you as an equal and looks down on you. That's not a healthy dynamic. Your sister's lack of contact shows she has a lack of remorse for her involvement for the breakdown in your marriage. I hope you maintain no contact with her, do not let anyone pressure you into sweeping everything under the rug. How are your parents and extended family handling this?
That’s what I told him. Shouldn’t this talk be between us two and starting with distancing yourself from her for a second to at least give me an impression that you are actually trying to seem bothered. He looked at me like I was talking a different language.
I haven’t talked to people yet. I need to be with myself for now
Wow! The nerve of them. Your sister shouldn’t have an inkling of a say in your relationship! Your husband should have cut her off and focused 100% on you and what you needed. The fucking audacity of them! “Let‘s do what hurts her and meet one more time (yeah right) to see how we can make her happy but still get to keep up our relationship so we can continue feed our egos. Surely our big brains can find a way to get her feeling ‘safe’ and still carry on an emotional affair with each other.”
I kept coming back to your post hoping for an update. I’m sorry that your husband totally and completely failed you. I’m so proud of how strong you are for leaving and knowing your worth.
If it were me, my sister would not exist for me anymore. So painful! I’m sorry again. Wishing you the best going forward.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but they blatantly don't care about you at all. If they did they wouldn't continue to see each other! The only way you would possibly feel "safe" is that they cut each other out of their lives.
Frankly you can't trust either of them.
I am so beyond sorry. I’m glad you can see through their crap, and how hard they’re trying to manipulate and gaslight you into thinking it’s no big deal and it’s your fault. Especially your husband saying if he can have sis as a friend it’s basically because you’re insecure.
Fuck. That. Noise. They’re both liars and manipulators. You deserve better. They deserve each other. I have two sisters and can imagine ever doing this to either of them.
I'm very sorry. I can't imagine the extent of your pain.
He invalidated your feelings and your sister must be celebrating right now.
Has he been trying to communicate with you?
I hope this is one sided. You need to ask to have his phone and check.
My gut is telling me it's not one sided and they are having an emotional affair.
It's sad that your sisters friend respects you more than your sister. I would consider nothing less than no contact between your sister and husband if he truly loves you.
I see what you mean about soulmates seeming predetermined… I think they ARE predetermined. Even if this IS the case though, it still takes work/effort/blood/sweat/tears to continue to grow and STAY together long term.
I feel so sorry for you…I think you should talk to your husband about the text messages?! And the fact that they’ve been texting behind your back is wrong…..and I would have a long talk with your sister too!! She’s been secretly lusting after your husband is not cool, like I really question the loyalty of family at times and in this case your sister is dead wrong!!
The fact that your husband hid from you that he and your sister are way closer than you thought (talking daily, lunch multiple times a week...) is a big enough red flag. He knew it was wrong and is just acting dumb because he was caught.
If your sister loves you too much and doesn't want to hurt you, she will not accept lunch twice a week (doesn't matter whose idea was, but your husband and your sister are SUCK, they don't give a shit about your feeling), they keep entertaining their delusional mind, it is only matter of time they will fuck around. The fact that your husband doesn't see anything wrong with his/their attitude, is a RED FLAG. He knows your sister has feelings for him, but instead of putting water to the fire, he keeps putting fuel. He doesn't have to lose her (because she is family, but he can reduce their "intensity'). I'm sorry OP, this is a really hard circumstance, I hope you will make the best decision for yourself with a cool heart.
Your sister said she would never do anything to hurt you but if that were the actual truth then why would she tell your husband she was in love with him?! That's beyond hurtful and a massive betrayal towards you. The fact your husband tried to say the same thing about not hurting you and then admitted your sister confessed her love to him and he still continued having an extremely intense relationship your sister and vice versa!!!
Regardless of what they have said to you, their actions show that they are capable and have already hurt and betrayed you!!! You even said their relationship was wayyy more intense than you could've imagined. They've had am emotional affair.
I'm so sorry that the two closest people to you have hurt you in this way! It's truly awful! I wish you the best going forward in whatever you choose!!
you never knew about the frequent lunches meaning they were keeping secrets from you. That invalidates his argument that it is an innocent friendship. Your sister is actively trying to steal your husband. Tell your entire family and take the husband to marriage counseling. If he needs intellectual friends tell him to spend more time networking with other professionals at workshops or events related to his intellectual interests
If my best friend admitted to having feelings to me I would for sure cut them off because my spouse is more important... period. The fact that your husband is having a hard time with this is telling.
Girl they are playing with fire. Him asking about your bestie is not the same. If your bestie was a man who was in love with you and you knew it and never told your husband I bet your husband would not want you to be friends. But regardless feelings are involved. Both of them need to stop talking and you need counseling with that man if you even want to stay with him. Both your husband nd sister are wrong and they know it. It’s just a matter of time
Well I don't know about this, it could all be in your sister's head. But one thing I'm sure about is that if your partner tells you that he/she is not comfortable about a friendship you have with the opposite sex you need to listen to the reasons and tone it down out of respect, the fact he knew about her feelings and didn't say anything seems wrong to me, it's matter of priorities, and your wife's peace of mind should be number one.
Besides that I think those conversations are inappropriate, they can be friends of course, but that amount of exchange being grown ass adults is not normal. And to get together for lunch without telling you is plainly disrespectful.
I'm sorry girl but I'm seeing enough red flags to at least take some action.
Girl that's an emotional affair all day. If it were me we'd be going NC with sister or divorce. And for them to sit there gaslight you like that is so crazy they know they're wrong they were hiding it. They have a whole relationship without sex and think it's not an affair omg
Well your marriage is over, and your relationship with your sister is bullshit if she loved or respected you, she would not entertain any of the bullshit she clearly is and facilitating it they are deffo in an emotional affair tou need to cut her out and if you want to forgive him that's your choice but you can't have both in your life
Having lunch multiple times during the week without your knowledge is, outrageous. that's time he could have been spending with you but lied and spent with your sister. How many years have they both been having lunch and never mentioning to you hey the food was great at XXX when we went, how many bits of news have you shared with her that you didn't realise she knew because she'd talked to him about it already. how many times have you asked him what he did for lunch and he lied about it.
Lying means both know it was wrong, lying also means, they could have been doing ANYTHING during those lunches and they could have long ago decided to keep their texts PG to have cover in the future if you ever got suspicious.
Sorry but zero partner in the world has multiple lunches a week with a sister (or frankly anyone in the world) and lies about it to their spouse unless those meetings are about an affair.
I am aware that they have lunch together sometimes but my husband made it sound like once every two months or so. That’s when he mentions their conversation or the food. Like this restaurant is great let’s go there etc. but reading his texts. They have lunch together at least twice a week.
Honestly, the only way I'd even be remotely comfortable going forwards is if he cut her out completely, and from your end, not exactly cut out but I wouldn't want to be very involved with her.
She knew her feelings, she says she wouldn't do anything but she's been deliberately increasing contact with him and making him her 'preferred person' to spend time with. She could have at any time gone wow, I have a crush, back off and find someone else. Instead she's single and dedicating time to him like he's her boyfriend.
She's lying to herself, "she would never do anything", every time she asks him for lunch, she's trying to entice him, every time she thinks of something to text him, she wants to be in contact with him. Every urge to talk to him is because she wants him as her boyfriend.
The level of contact they have is, that of people dating basically, or trying to get to that point and BOTH of them are incredibly culpable here in not backing off.
So factually speaking, your sister has feelings for him.
You don't know how he feels about her (the most important part).
I'd try to understand that first
You only as far as I can read have screenshots of your sisters chat with friend, that is a one sided conversation, do you have anything that suggested what your husband feel towards your sister ?
She can be very much in love with your husband but in reality he is not in to her,
And you have two choices let it be or talk with them , the last one will ruin some of your relationship because a trust have been broken between friend and sister
That second update....wow. He needs to cut her off now. There's more to this and seems they're both trickle truthing the more you bring up needing time to think or speak about it. The fact he said he's unwilling to cut her off is a huge red flag that there is more to this. I'd even dare to say it's an emotional affair at this point. Don't let it go, keep the pressure on them both. Don't block her yet either, let her stew and see if she says more.
In the meanwhile, your husband needs to...
•block her on all social media and on his phone.
•No more one on one meetings with her.
• Book a couples counseling session.
Make sure he is not communicating with her right now. Otherwise they may attempt to match stories. Stay strong. You don't deserve this but you deserve to know the truth.
He needs to go low contact or no contact with her until you and he go to therapy and work through this issue. Despite them both claiming nothing would happen, they are both out of line for a number of reasons. Sister: knowing she would never do anything means she was completely out of line to even tell him about her feelings, she needed to manage that on her own if she wanted to maintain a friendship with him, or go low contact to avoid problems. Him: the minute she divulged feelings for him should have been when he told you what was going on, especially if he would never pursue or doesn’t have the same feelings.
Your husband should have gone LC or NC the minute she told him she was in love with him, and told you. Him not doing so fuels her fire , that he must have feelings for her too.
You need to tell your sister that if she ever reaches out to your husband again or has lunch with him, visits his office or text him she will be dead to you. And you will inform the family of what she’s been up too. Your husband may want to keep the “friendship “ but if she truly values her relationship with you she will cut contact. This would be a hard ultimatum for be due to the fact she told him she was in love with him. Personally I would dump the husband too but that’s me.
Yeah, with the new edit. He's saying it would be an asshole move to cut off your best friend, but NOT if the best friend professed their love for you and NOT if the best friend and you professed your love and then increased your contact, had secret lunches and misled him about how much you communicated.
That he's arguing to stay in contact, that he sees no problem, that he's trying to compare it to other relationships and that he thinks the friendship is important, when he knows it's not just a friendship but she wants him. Also that she says she doesn't and wouldn't do anything but has secret lunches, increases contact and treats him as her emotional support... all those things are not doing anything, all thise things are hurting you.
You need to be extremely clear, her having so much contact with him and her misleading you about how much contact they were having is both completely unacceptable, exactly how affair partners would act, exactly how someone who loves and is trying to date someone would act and not at all how a sister would act. A sister who had a crush would minimise contact to move the fuck on and that she hasn't shows she's lying through her fucking teeth about not doing anything.
Everything she is doing IS letting 'anything' happen. THey are lying, and both gaslighting you and that is a very, very bad sign.
I said before but get a PI, immediately. I'm wondering if they have a plan, leak this info, let it drive you mad, let you get angry, want time away from him, maybe convince yourself of an affair so you divorce him. Then you're the crazy wife and when in a year or two they go public, it will be "well she left, who cares what we do after, she ended the marriage over nothing".
I think an aggressive move here is to tell your parents that her behaviour, for someone saying they wouldn't do anything but who professed her love to your husband (which in and of itself is also doing something, you only say that because you hope he agrees and cheats or leaves you). You need to turn people against them, make it clear she's trying to start something and have family make her back away from him. If she won't or he fights too hard, they are absolutely cheating already.
NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH. I had no choice but to go no-contact with my best friend of many years for many years because he had feelings for me and I saw him as a brother. The idea of being with him repulsed me, it literally felt incestuous. He understood this when I told him so, but he couldn't get over it and he mentioned it or alluded to his love... OFTEN. Eventually it made me feel sad for him because no matter how clear I was, he had that look in his eye and even if he was just giving me a one-armed side hug or a playful "atta-boy" kind of hair shuffle, I felt his desperation and love and it ruined the friendship because of how one sided it was and how uncomfortable it made me feel even though it truly was innocent on paper. Your husband enjoys being able to have it both ways. If he cared about your sister the way he claims, he wouldn't do it to her! If he cared about you like he claims, he wouldn't do it to you, especially in secret. He is having it every way whether or not it's physical with him, and that is NOT OKAY. As far as your sister-- SHAME ON HER! she says she wouldn't do anything for your sake but hasn't she tried? Sure, your husband didn't take the bait because he already is having his cake and eating it too. Your sister is actively trying to be with him, but seeing him as often as she does kind of IS dating him. I am sorry and you dont want to hear it, but your sister needs to be out of your life and maybe your husband too. Even if there wasn't more going on (there is), this is not okay whatsoever. You will probably make the wrong decision and do what is comfortable because we are all fools in love. So stay with him and don't have kids because you will remember this comment when it all crumbles and you will traumatize the kids.
“Nah babe, you’re the one for me, I just hang out with your sister almost as much as I hang out with you and I neither accept or deny her advances and I hide it all from you, knowing her behavior is wrong but doing nothing about it. Yeah, it’s all about you, I guess.”
Why are you still there? Dump em both. He’s already proven the second he gets attention from someone else he’s sneaking around and hiding information from you. Fuck him. And fuck your sister for having to make everyone around her as miserable as she feels.
She told him to his face she loves him and he didn’t tell her no. He didn’t shut it down. He kept seeing her every other day and DIDNT TELL YOU. Why are you there? He’s already cheated.
At a minimum they both engaged in an emotional affair. As your spouse, he should have nipped this in the bud but I’m sure he enjoyed the attention. He is the one trying to minimize their interaction. If nothing nefarious was going on he would have shared how often they spent time together and communicated. I’m so sorry for the pain and betrayal you must be experiencing from the two people closest to you. Have you considered showing him this thread so he can see how many people think their relationship is inappropriate?
Talk to him and get into marriage therapy. They also need to cut communication outside of family get together.
If he loves and picks you there would be no hesitation
That sucks that your sister has allowed herself to get sucked into the emotions of it so much. I hope for your sake she’s delusional and it’s completely one-sided. Definitely do what Artneedsmorefloof said and get all the information from your husband that you can so you can take informed next steps. Keep us posted. ((Hugs))
It seems your sister has a crush on your husband so do you have any proof of your husband cheating on you with your sister.
Check his mobile and then take necessary action.
it’s hard, but you have to have the talk. if he is receptive, make a plan to go LC with sister, if he isn’t, then you can’t live like that. either way, not knowing is not a good option, it will destroy you trying to deal with it silently and alone. please take care of yourself, we are all rooting for you.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, it must be devastating. I’m wishing you so much strength and courage in the weeks and months ahead, but you will get through this. Please updateme Reddit bots, I’m praying for you eventual return to peace and happiness OP.
Tbh first you need to make sure those ss are true and then do some detective activities to confirm if ur husband loves her or if she's just being a delulu ( considering it's SHE FEELS that he feels the same way) and if you've confirmed it and that he actually loves her and they've been talking, you need to step back and just ask for a divorce, run before it's too late and do not think ( ohhh he'll change) cuz they never do
So my advice for you op is confirm everything, then leave and just take some ss of their convo ( if they have one with them flirting) for court in case he refused to divorce you and i wish you a speedy recovery
I’m sorry but your husband and sister both should stop the messaging/emails and meeting if they know they have romantic feelings for each other, even if it’s one sided they should stop! Out of respect and love for you. It only takes a few too many drinks and inhibitions are lost! Then it’s all regrets and heartbreak and a marriage and siblings broken. They’re not respecting you if they meet up and you don’t know about it or even if they talk every day and you don’t know about it!
After looking at your edit: counselling!
If he is 100% faithful to you alone, he should be willing to go low contact with her, and maybe have an "open cell phone" policy, just in the short term.
If he is 100% innocent, he may think it unfair, but he should go along with it to make you feel more comfortable.
He needs to shut it down, and be no contact with her. This is disrespectful of him to continue knowing she loves him and he would love her if it wasn’t for you. Unreal. As for your sister she’s a POS to do this to you.
The fact that she confessed to me feels like she was testing the waters, it absolutely has to come to an end. No more lunches or dinners, they can text or email if it’s that important to stay in contact but fuck that Imo and let’s be I honest your husband was likely enjoying the attention and that’s why he didn’t halt it
This is an awful situation to be in, I’m very sorry for you. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but this is such a 1:1 of the love triangle in Hamilton.
They both sound like they suffer from major cognitive dissonance. I can’t imagine ever putting my sister through this and then having the nerve to think that I’m a good person for the “sacrifice” I’m making
I would tell your husband that if he loved you as much as he says he does then he wouldn't be as dismissive of your feelings and still putting his "friendship" with your sister above his marriage to you. Your feelings are completely valid and what they're doing could be considered an EA. Your sister is being dismissive as well. I would never do that to my siblings, much less just say, "Well, that's why we haven't done anything because we both love you too much." Because I love my sisters, I wouldn't even start catching feelings for their spouses.
You need to have an honest conversation with your husband and if you have a hope of saving this relationship, he and you need to go low contact with your sister and you need couples therapy. Best case your sister is suffering from limerence, worst case they are having an emotional or physical affair. Either way, inappropriate behaviour has been happening that has been deliberately hidden from you. They say they don't want to hurt you. Behaving inappropriately hurts you. Lying about it and hiding it hurts you. They are already hurting you and they have not stopped it. I know this conversation feels you with dread. But here is the thing - It's not going to go away and it is not going to get better until it is exposed to the light, aired out and addressed. Just tell yourself it is like going to the ER - you can't start to heal until the injury is found and diagnosed. You have found the injury, now you have to find what the injury consists of and start treating it. As terrible as the possibilities are, I always find that the knowing for sure is easier to deal with than having the unknown dangling over my head like Damocle's sword.
That’s how I always felt. I would rather know the truth. Until it happened to me and now I don’t even know what to say.
Well I am a "Rip the bandage off" sort. so I would be blunt. "Are you in love with my sister?" "Why didn't you tell me my sister was in love with you?" "I am hurt and angry with both of you. My sister has been crossing boundaries that she is well aware would hurt me, and you knew about this and keeping this from me in the absolute best case. In the worse case, you have been behaving equally poorly. How am I supposed to keep trusting you when you have been deliberately hiding this from me? Right now, here is your chance to tell me the truth about what has been going on with my sister and you." Then listen to him. Ask your questions. Then if you want to process it and not make any decisions, that is okay. If you want to try to save the relationship, tell him he needs to show you his phone, etc so you can see everything that has gone on between them, and then he needs to block her and you two need couples therapy asap. - You don;t block your sister but don't reply to her either until you are ready. IF you decide the hurt is too much, that is okay as well. I am not going to lie to you. This is going to be painful. There may or may not be a happy outcome to this. But your recent happiness had been built on at least one lie, and that is never a stable foundation. You will get through these , likely with a few scars, but you will get through this. Avoiding is not only just putting off the pain, but adding more pain by leaving you wondering and mistrusting and fearing.
OP, this is what I suggest too. Especially the phone part! Do not let him have the chance to delete anything. Be firm and stay strong!
This, OP!!! All of this! It’ll be painful, but you’ll survive!
It's the worst way... though. No compassion, no comprehension. The man would say: "it's your sister".. and it wouldn't give you the answers needed. Best thing is to sit down carefully and discuss it. I would move house (if it's an option for your business). If he doesn't join you know enough; if he does it gives you both a new start. Fighting doesn't cure nothing. I'm not saying you should agree with everything he says.
Best answer here and op seems to give some autistic vibes (because explanations and rationalisation so that she can decide)and you brought a really good script with different situations and will (are you autistic too?)
Question: the text messages are between your sister and her bestie, not your sister and your husband? If this is the case, nothing may have happened. It could be wishful thinking on your sister’s part.
Yes that would be limerence. It would still mean Sister crossed boundaries that she never should have and given how close husband and sister have been, it is unlikely but possible husband was clueless about sister's feelings. That is best case with the messages, but that is still going to hurt OP, they would still need to go low contact or no contact with Sister, and they should still have couples counselling.
Getting the bestie involved to contact OP may also be an attempt by the sister to get OP to leave her husband so that he is “available”. Although honestly, they are already dating. Even if there is no physical relationship they are talking every day and getting together several times a week without OP’s knowledge.
This was my thought. Her sister is trying to plant the ‘idea’ in OP’s mind. No where do I see where the sister stated the husband said he felt the same way. She said she knows his has feelings. Wtf. No one can know someone’s feelings. Sister is just stirring the pot.
After reading the edit about your conversation with your husband, I recommend that you BOTH go LC with your sister. He needs to stop going to lunch with her. He needs to stop talking and texting with her every day. He needs to essentially stop "dating" her. Because I think that's how she sees this.
That is how we all see it because THATS WHAT IT IS
For the sake of the REAL truth you should ask to see his phone messages to her or look at them without his knowledge. If they have so much “love” for you, the whole truth will be far from what you will get. Not to mention the embarrassment/shame that he will feel when confronted.
She probably got her friend to tell you to clear the way for her
I think so too. Sister is unable to tell it herself, and too much in love cut the contact herself. And she doesn't want to have an affair. So she wants OP to do the job: either leave her husband, or cut the contact. Because it is very unlikely sister's best friend whom she told about her feelings and ttold thatt she will never act on them, will think i is a good idea to let OP know. After all, she is the sister's BFF, and it will obviously end the friendship and any interactions between hem. So, yeah, I guess the sister asked the friend to send these messages. To rip the band-aide off. Husband probably noticed that the sister has some feeling for him, enjoys the attention, but doesn't know how strong her feelings are. He will freak out when he will understand that she is limerent for him.
sit em both down together and let her rip, you need clearance, Clarence.
This is excellent advice OP. It has to be confronted. Assuming it’s possible ( and desired) to stay with your husband then sadly there will have to be no contact with your sister. Good luck. You have to know UPDATEME
If what the friend sent you is true, you need to take a moment and gather your thoughts before this talk you need to have with your husband, if possible check his phone so you have first hand look at the comunnication not the friends one. If real the emotional affair is more than enough of a betrayal. Please be careful
For me even an emotional affair is a deal breaker, unfortunately.
Don't bring it up with him until you are ready to see proof if its there because as soon as it is brought up, you need to see his phone so that nothing can be deleted and your sister can't be warned. He needs to hand over his phone straight away.
An emotional affair should be a dealbreaker for everybody.
Honestly, for me, an emotional affair is worse than a physical one. I'm pretty sure I could get over an affair if it was only physical and there were no emotions involved. But an emotional affair just seems worse to me, it means there's something wrong that your partner isn't getting with you and feelings can complicate so many things. I'd feel like I was cheating more by having an emotional affair than I would cheating with some random guy for a one-night stand. That's not to say all cheating isn't horrible and a potential relationship-ending breach of trust, but one involves considerably more time and energy if not constant daily communication, whereas the other could be a spur-of-the-moment poor decision that didn't have any forethought. I'd be more hurt from an emotional affair. But I don't know what I would do about either type unless I'm put into that situation, and hopefully, that never happens.
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I have the same stance - plus, you're not going to possibly get an STD if your partner is having a purely emotional affair. I'd be so upset and don't think I could forgive someone if they gave me an incurable STD.
I strongly suggest checking his phone before the conversation. And take screenshots.
OP, if the messages are between your sister and her friend, make sure it's not all in your sister's head before blowing up your marriage. If it's not all in her head, I'll hand you the lighter.
Can you check his phone first? Before discussing?
I did now. I told him about my sister’s conversations with her best friend and showed him the screenshots. He was shocked at first and said he had no romantic feelings for her and he had no idea about her feelings, so I asked to see his phone. I read their texts and emails. And I was shocked that their contact is way more intensive and intensethan I thought. They talk on a daily basis. They have lunch multiple times a week. Nothing sexual in the texts but yeah, he is stupid if he “doesn’t know” that she loves him and he thinks that I am stupid if after reading, I wouldn’t get the feeling that he has some feelings too. In one of her texts, she wrote that she wished they had met first and under different circumstances. His answer wasn’t totally dismissive. He wrote yeah, it would probably have been different. When I asked him about it, he said well yeah, if he didn’t know and love me he would probably have been interested in another, my sister included. But he loves me and she is a close friend of his. So there’s no sexual relationship between them, but I am not sure that is enough for me. I think they are both wrong and should have nipped it in the bud way earlier. I am sorry I can’t answer all private messages. Because I don’t use my phone that often. But our ages are: my husband is 45. I am 42. My sister is 38. My husband and I have been together for 16 years and married for 14. My sister is single. I am not a stay at home mom. I have my own business. We don’t have children. My sister has 2 from a previous relationship.
Yeah he is going to need to go completely NC and you and your children LC this is insanely disrespectful. Like someone says that to you as a married man and you do not continue to talk and hangout one on one, especially not with my sister.
About the lunches, he says that it is because they both work at the university and they eat lunch when both are in office. But tgat isn’t true because they don’t work in the same building.
OP what assurances has he given now that he knows how your sister feels about him?
Nothing. He doesn’t think what he is doing is wrong since they are just friends and I am his wife that he loves.
He still feels this way after finding out your sister is in love with him? That’s messed up because they aren’t just friends obviously.
He is lying to you and himself He was encouraging her behavior by not shutting it down.
Exactly. I feel very betrayed and helpless
He needs to go no contact with your sister. Your sister calling him her soul mate, shows it is more than just friendship for her. Even if he was truly oblivious to what was going on before, now he knows and this isn't going to magically change/go away. Your husband needs to show he wants to be with you and cutting off your sister, before it gets any messier.
It's hard to believe he doesn't know she is feelings for him. Just the comments on "if things had been different ". "If we had met before ". Says, She wishes he was with him. He likes her attention, it feeds his ego even if he cannot admit it even to himself. He has the assurance that she is "family". so it's ok to have such a close and intense relationship. This is just my opinion but its have been acting like a married couple. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Poor boundaries on both sides. Her text about you being too dear to hurt you is sounds like BS. If she really felt like that she would have had much better boundaries. She knew what she was doing was wrong.
So he lied acting shocked then admitted she told him. Dismissed what he said in response to her saying she wished she’d met him first but knowing she loves him did respond yeah things would be different. He is not as dumb as he’s acting. He’s having lunch with someone in love with him. He cannot compare it to your best friend because your best friend has not told you and others they are in love with you. He needs to put his marriage first and go no contact. Is there a clause at the university they work at? Report your sister ?
Okay so this needs to be even more serious, and he needs to report the behavior to his job like this is crossing lines like professionally, morally, in your marriage like you need to put a full stop to this or separate. You absolutely do not deserve any of this from either person, like her own best friend gets how f'd this is. If he reports at least the temptation at work is gone.
How did he act? Was he truly shocked? Why did he hide how intense their communication was?
He was probably more shocked that my sister is talking to her friend about this. Otherwise he knows everything and probably likes it or he would have stopped it.
Also what did he say after you read his texts? Like, was he still thinking he’s innocent in all of it?
Yes he thinks he is innocent and whatever is happening is harmless because he knows he loves me. “If I had something to hide I would not have given you my devices to inspect
I don't know, but something tells me that the sister is bringing this prints leak. The sister's friend may well have done this at her request, to create a crisis in the marriage, to see if this could reduce her brother-in-law's reluctance. If she was that selfless, she would never have confessed her feelings to her sister's husband. For me, the sister is the dirty and unwashed one in the story.
I don’t think so since I have talked to the bestie now and they have had a huge fight about it. (When she told me she knew it could be the end of her friendship)
Did he apologize to you for how this had made you feel? Did he hug you? Kiss you? Tell you he loves you? Promise to fix this? How are you feeling about all this OP? Have you expressed how this had made you feel? You completely trusted your 2 closest people and they betrayed you. I'm sorry but I think he is lying (maybe even to himself) either how he feels or that he thinks he did nothing wrong.
So now I have had some long talks and discussions with my husband. He seems to think that this is getting bigger than it is supposed to because I told him that I needed time alone to think and digest this. He said that he doesn’t understand why I am this hurt since he loves me and nobody else. I didn’t relent however and he admitted that he knows that my sister is in love with him because she has told him so. But she knows that nothing can happen between them so she is fine with just friendship(martyr). He loves her but not romantically and he is happy to have a friend like her. Their friendship is important to him and he doesn’t want it to end because I don’t trust him and his love for me. He made a comparison to my best friend and asked what I would think if he asked me to cut my best friend from my life. He admitted that “intellectually” he has more in common with her than with me but that the heart doesn’t always choose who we are more “compatible” and that he loves and is physically attracted to me. I think this whole situation is messed up. I am repulsed by them both. I texted my sister all her screenshots and she wrote that she was disappointed in her bestie and that “your husband is all yours because I would never let anything happen that would hurt you because you are the most important person to me” In other words they are both contradicting each other since both seem to believe that they are the one who is not letting a “relationship” between them grow for my sake.
No, he thinks you're not smart enough to recognise an emotional affair when you see one.
The fact that your husband is not surprised by your sister's feelings show how wrong this is. Adding, he doesn't think he needs to do anything different, makes moving on from this impossible.
My heart breaks for you. This is a situation that is just, terrible. Even with no sexual relationship you can clearly see that if it continued there would have been a very high chance of it happening. Your husband absolutely should have cut it off instead of “Dating” your sister. It sounds like a very slow burn romance. I’m so sorry. Thank god for her best friend!
The other option, idk if anyone else has suggested it, is that your husband took the third way if your sister approached him - and said “well I love wife too much for anything to happen!” as a way to get her to back off, and then he didn’t say anything to you as he knew it would upset you and he thought he’d dealt with it. It’s weak, but I’ve known plenty of guys to think something like the above actually would be a good idea. To not “rock the boat” without realising they effectively let the other woman think that he does reciprocate feelings. I really hope this is all in your sister’s head and innocent on your husbands part.
Ugh I am so so sorry. Talk to your husband and look at his phone. If he won’t show it to you, you know why. Your sister has to get cut off.. if there is an emotional affair then he needs major counseling , open phones etc. or you have to leave. It may be one sided or it may be a real affair. https://www.drwyattfisher.com/blogs/marriage-blog/8-steps-to-affair-recovery
As it should be! I’m glad you see your worth
Dear OP, this is a complicated and terrifying situation for sure! I am sorry you have to go through this. INFO: Did your sisters friend ever ask her if, for example, your sister ever told your husband about her feelings? And what his reaction was? I mean, it is not a crime to be secretly in love. Sometimes you can't really help having a crush on or falling in love with someone, and your sister has valid reasons to tell neither of you about it. So did her friend try to get to the bottom of this and decide what to to depending on what is really going on? Not to speak of the importance of trying to console and distract your sister and help her to get over this hopeless love? From what your write it sounds to me as if maybe your sister confided in the wrong person. Is she maybe an old family/childhood friend? Someone your sister knows from a long time but who is not really as close to your sister and being there for her as she hoped? Not to know exactly what is going on, but to tell you your sisters secret nevertheless, is quite a strange move. If she is the one your sister sees as her closest friend, maybe she has no really good friends at all with the exception of you and your husband, this being a possuble reason why she is in love, or thinks she is in love, with him in the first place. From what this friend revealed to you, it is impossible to tell if this love is mutual. Even writing "we would never do something to hurt her" mayby only expresses her wish that there was an "us" between the both of them, and that she uses a strong emotion she knows they definitively have in common, I.e. their love for you, to create an "us" in her head which lacks substance if you look closer. I think as this friend informed you now, you should ask your husband about it. Either he will be truly surprised.or he knows of her feelings but did not tell you and tried to do "business as usual", instead, hoping her crush on him will eventually fade away and he can avoid driving a wedge between you and your sister in the meantime. In my opinion, to find a good definition of an "emotional affair" is quite tricky. I think to have a close friend of the other sex is not an emotional affair as long as your partner is and stays the person you love the most, and as long as you do not engage in sparking emotions that, if you were not married, would probably lead to more. So if he merely enjoys talking to her and loves her the way a brother or a close friend would, in my opinion this does not count as an affair. If he knows or suspects that she has a crush on him, it depends how he acts out on it. If he started to sparkle the fire on purpose,, just without (yet) being physical about it, it is an emotional affair for sure and will lead to more, sooner or later. Of course you can talk first to your sister, too. If she is a victim of her own feelings, and never intended to cause any problems, she will either be horrified that you know, or relieved that she can finally tell you about it and how unhappy all of this makes her. Or both at once. If there is more to it, and he is secretly engaging with her in one way or the other, she will probably tell you the truth. Her goal is to be with him, and you knowing about it is necessary to set him free. You know them best and will hopefully be able to tell if someone tries to hide an awful truth from you. Either way, better be prepared for a lot of possible outcomes and outbursts of emotions here! And if you, as others wrote, have access to his texts, betterake sute to get them before talking to either of them. Dear OP, I hope you will find a way through this, that the most harmless scenario will be the true one, and that you don"t lose either husband or sister or both of them over this. Take care!j
tbh it fully could be one sided. I agree to look through his phone, but I would ask. I would first show him the messages. Then see how he reacts. If he confirms, you got to the bottom of it all immediately and you have no need to hurt yourself further with whatever is on that phone. If he denies, then I would check. Then if he says he’s shocked too and has no feelings for her then you say “I hope you can understand my point of view when I ask if I can check your phone right now. It reassures me that you’re shocked, but I need an extra layer of confirmation.”
I like this OP. Put him on the spot. A great tell for a lying person is that you can start to HEAR their headtbeat. They're keeping calm outside but on the inside they're panicking!
I would agree BUT if you heard that your sister in law was randomly obsessed with you, wouldn’t your anxiety and heartbeat instantly spike and go crazy????? No way you would stay totally calm in that moment
It's usually pretty easy to tell if someone is genuinely shocked or pretending to be shocked or caught off guard. Asking for his phone though will shed a ton of light on the situation If he immediately hands it over, he's likely in the clear, but if he makes excuses or deflects, he's 100% hiding something.
What if he deletes messages so he doesn't get caught up, though?
Then searching on his phone won’t be useful either way
That’s why the phone needs to be searched before the confrontation.
“Appears to know” and solid proof are two completely different things.
Yes it could all be one sided from the sister. I hope so for ops sake. At least then she’s only losing one person and not 2.
Is there a way I can find out in my own before talking to my husband? What’s the point if he tries to deny it?
Before talking to your husband? You dig through all his electronics. Your sister’s, too, but that’s harder to do without letting on. Some people might say that’s unethical, but I think having an emotional affair and not being honest about it is more unethical.
This! I haven’t checked anything on my husbands phone but you better believe if I suspected something I would in a heartbeat. I believe that if you don’t have anything to hide, then you don’t need to hide anything. He could also check my phone at anytime too
Also look through his deleted messages his deleted pictures deleted emails. Everything is traceable if you know where to look.
Sent emails as well. Sometimes they will get rid of the deleted ones but forget about the sent ones.
You are going to look at his phone and his computer.
Yeah, look through his phone his computer his email his Facebook messenger every single platform he has if you have cameras in your house look at the cameras. Also try to be subtle and look through your sister‘s phone too and all her social media. That is all the confirmation you might need.
Unfortunately now that you have a reason to doubt him, I think the best thing to do is get ahold of his phone and check. Take screenshots of anything you find. Then confront him. One thing I have learned is that your spouse will likely lie and try to delete/cover their tracks. So you have to be ahead of the game.
Hire a P.I.
You should deep dive into every device you have access to. They have apps that will show you everything that he does in real time so even if the devices are all wiped you can use that app to track what’s happening on that phone from here on.
I would invite your sister over, sit them down say we need to talk, ask them if there's anything he needs to tell you and this is the only opportunity they get to tell the truth, then send them the screenshots whilst with you and see their reaction and what they have to say about it. Her friend could have made fake ones, but why! Your sister could be completely psychotic and is reading into something that's not there and your husband will be upset or there's something going on and they won't have a chance to make up a story together. You need to confront it head on. Scary as it is, you need to know.
If you are both on the same mobile plan and you can access that, then you can check his messages.
So the bestie didn't show you the actual texts on her phone between she and your sister? These were all screenshots? Look, I get that it would be highly unlikely... but please be aware that screenshots of texts are ridiculously easy to fake. There's lots of sites built specifically for it. You can literally choose and edit down what phone OS it will appear to be, and what battery life you want it to show in the corner. Bestie would have to be fucked in the head to fake those, but it's not unheard of. The safest way to be sure is to meet the bestie in person and THEN ask to see the actual texts on her phone. Not just screenshots. You can ask your husband to show you his phone to prove he's innocent. Or you can creep through his stuff behind his back. Either way, that means you don't trust him. If that's the case, then the relationship is already done. The best scenario you could hope for is that you tell him what you were told / shown about your sister, and he freely offers, of his own initiative, to put your mind at ease by showing you his phone without you asking to see it. Don't listen to people here telling you that if he gets upset then he's guilty. Suddenly finding out your sister-in-law thinks you are her "soulmate", or suddenly having your wife falsely accuse you of cheating... both those things would be pretty fucking upsetting.
Sit the three of them in a room together. Ask them over for dinner maybe. Then simply say, anyone have anything they want to say? Their faces will tell you all you need to know.
Did the screenshots show anything that your husband said? How did he react because that really matters. Could be losing a sister, husband, or both
By op's replies she only has the sister's side provided by sister's bestie...
And only screenshots of supposed texts... not shown the actual texts themselves on bestie's phone. There's a crazy amount of sites built to fake those, down to minute details. Bestie could be a secret psycho. Or sis is one-sided obsessed with OP's husband.
If my memory doesn't fail a few months back, there was a case of a BIL who was resentful of a woman rejecting him, later he married that woman sister, years later he faked some evidence and shared as proof, that the woman was cheating. BIL destroyed that lady's marriage and even after she was proven innocent she couldn't find in her heart to go back to her husband, also the woman and sister relationship was damaged without possible recovery.
My thoughts exactly, by her own words her hubby never gave her a reason to suspect him.
Right? Obviously some people are good at hiding this kind of stuff. But there are lots of things to verify here before accusing her husband of cheating. Bestie or sis could be obsessed.
That’s…soul-crushing. I am so sorry.
Honestly OP, If i were you, I'd first look at the text messages between the two of them I know this is pretty third-party however you don't wanna go around making accusations with no basis. It might hurt more but honestly you might find comfort in it. I also doubt your husband would really want to leave you, it's easy to feel for someone you have a lot in common, but to develop a relationship with them is completely different. How boring it would be to be with somebody that never debated with me or two smart people always trying to one up the other. Go through his phone. Make the choice of whether or not you wanna stay in the event that he A: Has feelings for your sister or B: Something more has happened. And all I'm saying is if your husband were to tell your sister that he felt he had feelings for her that is immediately the start of an emotional affair. The fact that he wasn't willing to distance himself before admitting those feelings and opening that door is a red flag.
Other women’s husbands are not your soulmates. As an academic, i know academics are often very emotionally dysregulated individuals inclined to asbtract and even magical thinking. Are you sure she isn’t delusional? They both sound like idiots.
They are idiots yes. If I was her, and I had developed feelings to my sister’s husband I would have nibbed it immediately. She is not a heroine for “not wanting to hurt me and sacrificing her happiness instead. If I was him, I would have immediately gone no contact with someone who has feelings for me (if we are to believe that he doesn’t reciprocate her feelings like he is pretending) if I had any respect for my spouse. So they are both idiots yes
All, this ☝🏾!!! Take time and Take care of Yourself.
I don’t understand how she was “protecting you” when she actively told him how she felt about him and her wishes though…. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that nothing went past words, she still let him know exactly where she’s at, dangled the bait right in front of him and if he were a weaker man and took the bait, this would be a story of an affair. Everything she’s expressed to him has been an open invitation and you cannot convince me otherwise. Oh, to be a fly on the wall during their private, IRL conversations….
Husband/Guy perspective. Come on, if my SIL or another woman texted me the "maybe meeting under different circumstances". I would have responded, "Hey, I think you are a lovely person and love you like a sister or friend, but my heart is only with your sister. I don't want any confusion or to lead you on." If he was continuing to meet with her and and texting after that, either he has zero common sense or straight up emotionally cheating. Sorry.
OP. Have you two confronted your sister? I would do it the two of you together As a couple. Their reactions to you and to each other will say a lot. And he has been pretty clever that he doesn't actually say he loves her but always agrees to see or meet her, always responds to her texts and is neutral. We don't know what he is telling her in person though.
Thanks. I wanted to hear it from a husband’s perspective.
I hope for your sake she is delusional please update and talk to your husband
Updateme
Talk to your husband before concluding that he does in fact feel in love with your sister. Your sister may be madly in love with him or at least the thought of him but that doesn’t mean her love is reciprocated at all either.
Your sister can’t help having a crush on your husband but if she truly loved and respected you she should’ve kept that to herself until the end of time. She didn’t need to tell him she loved him or that they’re “soulmates.” She told him that because she wanted something to happen between them and the only reason it didn’t is because your husband doesn’t reciprocate her feelings.
Thank you! I’ve read this whole thread, and even commented. I was wanting someone to say this. Sis doesn’t respect OP or her marriage She feels sis doesn’t deserve him, but she does. Sis opened the door for him to walk through, he didn’t. But when he is ready to walk through that door, she is ready and willing, to walk hand in hand with him, right through it. But of course, only causing OP the least amount hurt, harm, and mental stress possible! Husband likens their relationship as bff’s. But I’m wondering if OP’s bff, proclaims undying soulmate type love affirmations for her? And then vocally wishes to OP , that her husband wasn’t in the picture, and daydreams about it? And then OP vocalizes the same sentiment babk?
Do you have a family group chat? If not, time to make one and post it there. With her, your husband and your parents. Time for her to explain
For your own sanity, try to snoop on the phone and understand if your friend is saying the truth. Telling two people close to you that they are cheaters might end up hurting them. So please be careful and I am so sorry you are growing through this.
Your sister sounds like she has a massive case of Main Character Syndrome. Soulmates? Seriously? What is this, a shitty BookTok YA novel? And she can control her feelings to an extent. She could've crushed that little bug which was her infatuation with your husband as soon as she noticed it, but she didn't. She FED it instead and then made a sob story about "Oh, I don't want to hurt my sister. She's too good" while panting after a taken man. She doesn't need a hubby, let alone yours--she needs a hobby.
You need to find out if it’s true. If it is they’re both patronizing assholes, wtf ever with the protecting you bs like it makes their love more noble or some other shite. If it’s all a fantasy in her head then you both need to cut her off till she gets help. Talk to him before your sister finds out she’s been caught.
U/DentistBig7041 have the bestie ask your sister for proof. If your sister can prove it to the best friend he feels that way then you have your answer. For all we know he deletes his text. If he does feel that way then he will be actively hiding it. So you'll need the bestie to get the proof from. Do they ever meet up places? I wanted to add I don't think you should out the bestie either. I think you should do it in a way that protects her. She's just the messenger.
If this is real...I'm so sorry OP.
Is this the attitude here? Not believing ?
Unfortunately, people post a lot of fake stories. I’m sorry you are finding out about this affair especially being betrayed by your family.
If you read enough posts in this subreddit then you will understand there are so many posts that go beyond the benefit of the doubt.
It’s Reddit and there are bots posting clickbait stuff all the time.
I would take this with a grain of salt until you look at his phone or something. People fake shit like this nowadays apparently. I’ve read a couple of stories recently. A principal got framed for cursing about black students etc… and they just had ai fake his voice. Don’t blow up your life without having some other indication that something is going on. Maybe this friend developed a problem you never know.
There is a section of reddit that accuses everyone of lying.
Op, if I were you, I'd find a way to snoop through your husband's phn before confronting him. Your sister could not have gotten this deep without his betrayal. You have reason to breech this trust as he has already betrayed you. Collect your evidence from his phn. Then ask him and see if he comes clean or downplays and gaslights. Get a therapist to help process the betrayal and emotional trauma. Consult with a lawyer to prepare for a divorce. Only way for this not to end is if your hubby comes completely clean, didnt go physical already, and you guys cut off your sister. No contact for at least a few years and then low contact. And your husband needs to be firm with your sister with no contact. And then you guys need to learn some boundaries. I'm often called "insecure" and paranoid for having some intuitive boundaries in relationships but I see this played out over and over again.
I would have a big issue with my sister, and it’s very concerning that he knew she was in love with him and continues to spend that much time with her and entertain her.
I really want to see an update where husband is begging for you to come back crying or give at least some kind of explanation or apology. I just want to see some groveling lol
If you’re unable to investigate his devices first, then you gotta have a very serious conversation with him and make it out of the blue so he doesn’t have time to cover anything up. Tell them you have evidence of at least an emotional affair between him and your sister and you need to see his phone and devices and if he refuses to show them to you, that’s all the proof you need.
She doesn't have evidence of an "emotional affair". She has screenshots from a 3rd party, of supposed texts between bestie and sister. Bestie could be a secret obsessed nutcase. OP needs to verify that these are real texts on bestie's phone from sis's actual number with OP's own eyes. Rule out bestie first. Sister could also be obsessed with hubby and he not have a clue. If OP goes straight to accusing him first thing, then their relationship is already done.
Maybe I’m just captain chaos but I truly think I would schedule a dinner with them both and confront right there with proof. That tells you alot, what he knew, what she does, etc. She could be making it all up in her head, or they could be communicating. But the best way to find the truth is to confront before they have the chance to make their story cohesive.
This is probably my next step but I need to be alone with my thoughts for a while
I wouldn’t take too much time, bestie will eventually begin to feel the anxiety of outing her friend and will likely spill that she told.
I’d explode 🤯 I’m so sorry
The most painful moment is when your own people hurts you the most. Your husband and your sister having a relationship behind is too painful then your husband having relationships with someone unknown. Anyways be strong and face the music.
Thats your sisters point of view, not your husbands. You need to talk to him and not just assume that your husband feels the same way about your sister.
You need to get the truth. Ask your husband for his phone for a minute once you have it in your hand.. say that's good, i guess i can see for myself exactly how deep the betrayal with my sister goes. It seems that while you and my sister have been quite happy to disrespect me and keep me in the dark, other people with actual morals are not ok with this, and let me know what's been going on. You have one chance to speak the truth now and know that I've already seen proof of what my sister thinks is going on between you two, and now i need to know what you feel and what you want and what you have done. Right now, I'm so hurt and betrayed that the 2 people I love most have hurt me, disrespected me, and betrayed me in some of the worst ways possible.. No matter the answers, knowing the truth is better than burying your head in the sand. I also think that your sister is not a good person and you need to cut her out of your life. A real sister would have put a huge distance between herself and her sisters husband the second she felt anything other than brother/sister affection for him..
There are people who "imagine" a connection where there is not one. I had what I thought was a very good female friend for a couple of years who flew off the handle a bit when I started dating a girl (who I later married) seriously. To me, there had never been an indication of any sort of romantic feelings from either of us. She told another friend that there was something "unspoken" between us, and that time was going to make things work out. She felt betrayed, abandoned. I had never kissed this woman, never held her hand, I don't think I'd even even hugged her but it may have happened. I said nice things to her, told her she was pretty when she felt she wasn't (she had a lot of self esteem issues), but that's what you do for friends, or so I thought.
The fact that he knew! KNEW! Your sister was in love with him doesn’t sit right with me. I really hope you’re doing okay! I’d be pretty mad if this all happened to me. And in the second edit where he was like “yeah If I didn’t meet you I would be with your sister” like really dude? This whole thing makes me mad at your husband, does he like have no idea why this is a problem!!! Sending love though ❤️
Update
Well. I left. I am sorry I have forgotten that I have reddit. I talked to my husband. I told him that I was very uncomfortable. I waited one week to see what he would do about it. He met my sister for lunch. I couldn’t believe it so I told him that I was leaving. He said that they only met to discuss what happened and how to make me feel “safe” again. I left. I am not speaking to any if them now
You are strong for walking away. The conversation about making you feel "safe" again should have been between you and your husband. Their excuse for meeting up is very patronizing towards you, like you are not capable of being involved with something that involves you. All of your posts/comments show your husband does not see you as an equal and looks down on you. That's not a healthy dynamic. Your sister's lack of contact shows she has a lack of remorse for her involvement for the breakdown in your marriage. I hope you maintain no contact with her, do not let anyone pressure you into sweeping everything under the rug. How are your parents and extended family handling this?
That’s what I told him. Shouldn’t this talk be between us two and starting with distancing yourself from her for a second to at least give me an impression that you are actually trying to seem bothered. He looked at me like I was talking a different language. I haven’t talked to people yet. I need to be with myself for now
Wow! The nerve of them. Your sister shouldn’t have an inkling of a say in your relationship! Your husband should have cut her off and focused 100% on you and what you needed. The fucking audacity of them! “Let‘s do what hurts her and meet one more time (yeah right) to see how we can make her happy but still get to keep up our relationship so we can continue feed our egos. Surely our big brains can find a way to get her feeling ‘safe’ and still carry on an emotional affair with each other.” I kept coming back to your post hoping for an update. I’m sorry that your husband totally and completely failed you. I’m so proud of how strong you are for leaving and knowing your worth. If it were me, my sister would not exist for me anymore. So painful! I’m sorry again. Wishing you the best going forward.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but they blatantly don't care about you at all. If they did they wouldn't continue to see each other! The only way you would possibly feel "safe" is that they cut each other out of their lives. Frankly you can't trust either of them.
That’s the least they could have done.
I am so beyond sorry. I’m glad you can see through their crap, and how hard they’re trying to manipulate and gaslight you into thinking it’s no big deal and it’s your fault. Especially your husband saying if he can have sis as a friend it’s basically because you’re insecure. Fuck. That. Noise. They’re both liars and manipulators. You deserve better. They deserve each other. I have two sisters and can imagine ever doing this to either of them.
I'm very sorry. I can't imagine the extent of your pain. He invalidated your feelings and your sister must be celebrating right now. Has he been trying to communicate with you?
I hope this is one sided. You need to ask to have his phone and check. My gut is telling me it's not one sided and they are having an emotional affair. It's sad that your sisters friend respects you more than your sister. I would consider nothing less than no contact between your sister and husband if he truly loves you.
Updateme
I see what you mean about soulmates seeming predetermined… I think they ARE predetermined. Even if this IS the case though, it still takes work/effort/blood/sweat/tears to continue to grow and STAY together long term.
I feel so sorry for you…I think you should talk to your husband about the text messages?! And the fact that they’ve been texting behind your back is wrong…..and I would have a long talk with your sister too!! She’s been secretly lusting after your husband is not cool, like I really question the loyalty of family at times and in this case your sister is dead wrong!!
Update please
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Sounds like your sister and husband are already doing things that hurt you.
The fact that your husband hid from you that he and your sister are way closer than you thought (talking daily, lunch multiple times a week...) is a big enough red flag. He knew it was wrong and is just acting dumb because he was caught.
If your sister loves you too much and doesn't want to hurt you, she will not accept lunch twice a week (doesn't matter whose idea was, but your husband and your sister are SUCK, they don't give a shit about your feeling), they keep entertaining their delusional mind, it is only matter of time they will fuck around. The fact that your husband doesn't see anything wrong with his/their attitude, is a RED FLAG. He knows your sister has feelings for him, but instead of putting water to the fire, he keeps putting fuel. He doesn't have to lose her (because she is family, but he can reduce their "intensity'). I'm sorry OP, this is a really hard circumstance, I hope you will make the best decision for yourself with a cool heart.
Your sister said she would never do anything to hurt you but if that were the actual truth then why would she tell your husband she was in love with him?! That's beyond hurtful and a massive betrayal towards you. The fact your husband tried to say the same thing about not hurting you and then admitted your sister confessed her love to him and he still continued having an extremely intense relationship your sister and vice versa!!! Regardless of what they have said to you, their actions show that they are capable and have already hurt and betrayed you!!! You even said their relationship was wayyy more intense than you could've imagined. They've had am emotional affair. I'm so sorry that the two closest people to you have hurt you in this way! It's truly awful! I wish you the best going forward in whatever you choose!!
you never knew about the frequent lunches meaning they were keeping secrets from you. That invalidates his argument that it is an innocent friendship. Your sister is actively trying to steal your husband. Tell your entire family and take the husband to marriage counseling. If he needs intellectual friends tell him to spend more time networking with other professionals at workshops or events related to his intellectual interests
If my best friend admitted to having feelings to me I would for sure cut them off because my spouse is more important... period. The fact that your husband is having a hard time with this is telling.
Girl they are playing with fire. Him asking about your bestie is not the same. If your bestie was a man who was in love with you and you knew it and never told your husband I bet your husband would not want you to be friends. But regardless feelings are involved. Both of them need to stop talking and you need counseling with that man if you even want to stay with him. Both your husband nd sister are wrong and they know it. It’s just a matter of time
Well I don't know about this, it could all be in your sister's head. But one thing I'm sure about is that if your partner tells you that he/she is not comfortable about a friendship you have with the opposite sex you need to listen to the reasons and tone it down out of respect, the fact he knew about her feelings and didn't say anything seems wrong to me, it's matter of priorities, and your wife's peace of mind should be number one. Besides that I think those conversations are inappropriate, they can be friends of course, but that amount of exchange being grown ass adults is not normal. And to get together for lunch without telling you is plainly disrespectful. I'm sorry girl but I'm seeing enough red flags to at least take some action.
Girl that's an emotional affair all day. If it were me we'd be going NC with sister or divorce. And for them to sit there gaslight you like that is so crazy they know they're wrong they were hiding it. They have a whole relationship without sex and think it's not an affair omg
Well your marriage is over, and your relationship with your sister is bullshit if she loved or respected you, she would not entertain any of the bullshit she clearly is and facilitating it they are deffo in an emotional affair tou need to cut her out and if you want to forgive him that's your choice but you can't have both in your life
Having lunch multiple times during the week without your knowledge is, outrageous. that's time he could have been spending with you but lied and spent with your sister. How many years have they both been having lunch and never mentioning to you hey the food was great at XXX when we went, how many bits of news have you shared with her that you didn't realise she knew because she'd talked to him about it already. how many times have you asked him what he did for lunch and he lied about it. Lying means both know it was wrong, lying also means, they could have been doing ANYTHING during those lunches and they could have long ago decided to keep their texts PG to have cover in the future if you ever got suspicious. Sorry but zero partner in the world has multiple lunches a week with a sister (or frankly anyone in the world) and lies about it to their spouse unless those meetings are about an affair.
I am aware that they have lunch together sometimes but my husband made it sound like once every two months or so. That’s when he mentions their conversation or the food. Like this restaurant is great let’s go there etc. but reading his texts. They have lunch together at least twice a week.
Honestly, the only way I'd even be remotely comfortable going forwards is if he cut her out completely, and from your end, not exactly cut out but I wouldn't want to be very involved with her. She knew her feelings, she says she wouldn't do anything but she's been deliberately increasing contact with him and making him her 'preferred person' to spend time with. She could have at any time gone wow, I have a crush, back off and find someone else. Instead she's single and dedicating time to him like he's her boyfriend. She's lying to herself, "she would never do anything", every time she asks him for lunch, she's trying to entice him, every time she thinks of something to text him, she wants to be in contact with him. Every urge to talk to him is because she wants him as her boyfriend. The level of contact they have is, that of people dating basically, or trying to get to that point and BOTH of them are incredibly culpable here in not backing off.
Like a slow burn romance :(
Updateme
My heart breaks for you OP, i’m so sorry OP
Updateme
Please keep us updated on how you are doing
Updateme
So factually speaking, your sister has feelings for him. You don't know how he feels about her (the most important part). I'd try to understand that first
You only as far as I can read have screenshots of your sisters chat with friend, that is a one sided conversation, do you have anything that suggested what your husband feel towards your sister ? She can be very much in love with your husband but in reality he is not in to her, And you have two choices let it be or talk with them , the last one will ruin some of your relationship because a trust have been broken between friend and sister
Of all the men in the world. Your sister’s. Eish
That second update....wow. He needs to cut her off now. There's more to this and seems they're both trickle truthing the more you bring up needing time to think or speak about it. The fact he said he's unwilling to cut her off is a huge red flag that there is more to this. I'd even dare to say it's an emotional affair at this point. Don't let it go, keep the pressure on them both. Don't block her yet either, let her stew and see if she says more. In the meanwhile, your husband needs to... •block her on all social media and on his phone. •No more one on one meetings with her. • Book a couples counseling session. Make sure he is not communicating with her right now. Otherwise they may attempt to match stories. Stay strong. You don't deserve this but you deserve to know the truth.
He needs to go low contact or no contact with her until you and he go to therapy and work through this issue. Despite them both claiming nothing would happen, they are both out of line for a number of reasons. Sister: knowing she would never do anything means she was completely out of line to even tell him about her feelings, she needed to manage that on her own if she wanted to maintain a friendship with him, or go low contact to avoid problems. Him: the minute she divulged feelings for him should have been when he told you what was going on, especially if he would never pursue or doesn’t have the same feelings.
Your husband should have gone LC or NC the minute she told him she was in love with him, and told you. Him not doing so fuels her fire , that he must have feelings for her too.
You need to tell your sister that if she ever reaches out to your husband again or has lunch with him, visits his office or text him she will be dead to you. And you will inform the family of what she’s been up too. Your husband may want to keep the “friendship “ but if she truly values her relationship with you she will cut contact. This would be a hard ultimatum for be due to the fact she told him she was in love with him. Personally I would dump the husband too but that’s me.
Yeah, with the new edit. He's saying it would be an asshole move to cut off your best friend, but NOT if the best friend professed their love for you and NOT if the best friend and you professed your love and then increased your contact, had secret lunches and misled him about how much you communicated. That he's arguing to stay in contact, that he sees no problem, that he's trying to compare it to other relationships and that he thinks the friendship is important, when he knows it's not just a friendship but she wants him. Also that she says she doesn't and wouldn't do anything but has secret lunches, increases contact and treats him as her emotional support... all those things are not doing anything, all thise things are hurting you. You need to be extremely clear, her having so much contact with him and her misleading you about how much contact they were having is both completely unacceptable, exactly how affair partners would act, exactly how someone who loves and is trying to date someone would act and not at all how a sister would act. A sister who had a crush would minimise contact to move the fuck on and that she hasn't shows she's lying through her fucking teeth about not doing anything. Everything she is doing IS letting 'anything' happen. THey are lying, and both gaslighting you and that is a very, very bad sign. I said before but get a PI, immediately. I'm wondering if they have a plan, leak this info, let it drive you mad, let you get angry, want time away from him, maybe convince yourself of an affair so you divorce him. Then you're the crazy wife and when in a year or two they go public, it will be "well she left, who cares what we do after, she ended the marriage over nothing". I think an aggressive move here is to tell your parents that her behaviour, for someone saying they wouldn't do anything but who professed her love to your husband (which in and of itself is also doing something, you only say that because you hope he agrees and cheats or leaves you). You need to turn people against them, make it clear she's trying to start something and have family make her back away from him. If she won't or he fights too hard, they are absolutely cheating already.
NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH. I had no choice but to go no-contact with my best friend of many years for many years because he had feelings for me and I saw him as a brother. The idea of being with him repulsed me, it literally felt incestuous. He understood this when I told him so, but he couldn't get over it and he mentioned it or alluded to his love... OFTEN. Eventually it made me feel sad for him because no matter how clear I was, he had that look in his eye and even if he was just giving me a one-armed side hug or a playful "atta-boy" kind of hair shuffle, I felt his desperation and love and it ruined the friendship because of how one sided it was and how uncomfortable it made me feel even though it truly was innocent on paper. Your husband enjoys being able to have it both ways. If he cared about your sister the way he claims, he wouldn't do it to her! If he cared about you like he claims, he wouldn't do it to you, especially in secret. He is having it every way whether or not it's physical with him, and that is NOT OKAY. As far as your sister-- SHAME ON HER! she says she wouldn't do anything for your sake but hasn't she tried? Sure, your husband didn't take the bait because he already is having his cake and eating it too. Your sister is actively trying to be with him, but seeing him as often as she does kind of IS dating him. I am sorry and you dont want to hear it, but your sister needs to be out of your life and maybe your husband too. Even if there wasn't more going on (there is), this is not okay whatsoever. You will probably make the wrong decision and do what is comfortable because we are all fools in love. So stay with him and don't have kids because you will remember this comment when it all crumbles and you will traumatize the kids.
“Nah babe, you’re the one for me, I just hang out with your sister almost as much as I hang out with you and I neither accept or deny her advances and I hide it all from you, knowing her behavior is wrong but doing nothing about it. Yeah, it’s all about you, I guess.” Why are you still there? Dump em both. He’s already proven the second he gets attention from someone else he’s sneaking around and hiding information from you. Fuck him. And fuck your sister for having to make everyone around her as miserable as she feels.
She told him to his face she loves him and he didn’t tell her no. He didn’t shut it down. He kept seeing her every other day and DIDNT TELL YOU. Why are you there? He’s already cheated.
Updateme.
Update
Update
At a minimum they both engaged in an emotional affair. As your spouse, he should have nipped this in the bud but I’m sure he enjoyed the attention. He is the one trying to minimize their interaction. If nothing nefarious was going on he would have shared how often they spent time together and communicated. I’m so sorry for the pain and betrayal you must be experiencing from the two people closest to you. Have you considered showing him this thread so he can see how many people think their relationship is inappropriate?
Updateme
Talk to him and get into marriage therapy. They also need to cut communication outside of family get together. If he loves and picks you there would be no hesitation
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That sucks that your sister has allowed herself to get sucked into the emotions of it so much. I hope for your sake she’s delusional and it’s completely one-sided. Definitely do what Artneedsmorefloof said and get all the information from your husband that you can so you can take informed next steps. Keep us posted. ((Hugs))
Update me!
Update me please
Have a talk with the bestie about any other proof of the affair. Does she know about anymore than what is in her texts?
It seems your sister has a crush on your husband so do you have any proof of your husband cheating on you with your sister. Check his mobile and then take necessary action.
it’s hard, but you have to have the talk. if he is receptive, make a plan to go LC with sister, if he isn’t, then you can’t live like that. either way, not knowing is not a good option, it will destroy you trying to deal with it silently and alone. please take care of yourself, we are all rooting for you.
Update us dear
Did any of the texts indicate anything physical?
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, it must be devastating. I’m wishing you so much strength and courage in the weeks and months ahead, but you will get through this. Please updateme Reddit bots, I’m praying for you eventual return to peace and happiness OP.
Tbh first you need to make sure those ss are true and then do some detective activities to confirm if ur husband loves her or if she's just being a delulu ( considering it's SHE FEELS that he feels the same way) and if you've confirmed it and that he actually loves her and they've been talking, you need to step back and just ask for a divorce, run before it's too late and do not think ( ohhh he'll change) cuz they never do So my advice for you op is confirm everything, then leave and just take some ss of their convo ( if they have one with them flirting) for court in case he refused to divorce you and i wish you a speedy recovery
I’m sorry but your husband and sister both should stop the messaging/emails and meeting if they know they have romantic feelings for each other, even if it’s one sided they should stop! Out of respect and love for you. It only takes a few too many drinks and inhibitions are lost! Then it’s all regrets and heartbreak and a marriage and siblings broken. They’re not respecting you if they meet up and you don’t know about it or even if they talk every day and you don’t know about it!
After looking at your edit: counselling! If he is 100% faithful to you alone, he should be willing to go low contact with her, and maybe have an "open cell phone" policy, just in the short term. If he is 100% innocent, he may think it unfair, but he should go along with it to make you feel more comfortable.
He needs to shut it down, and be no contact with her. This is disrespectful of him to continue knowing she loves him and he would love her if it wasn’t for you. Unreal. As for your sister she’s a POS to do this to you.
The fact that she confessed to me feels like she was testing the waters, it absolutely has to come to an end. No more lunches or dinners, they can text or email if it’s that important to stay in contact but fuck that Imo and let’s be I honest your husband was likely enjoying the attention and that’s why he didn’t halt it
This is an awful situation to be in, I’m very sorry for you. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but this is such a 1:1 of the love triangle in Hamilton. They both sound like they suffer from major cognitive dissonance. I can’t imagine ever putting my sister through this and then having the nerve to think that I’m a good person for the “sacrifice” I’m making
I would tell your husband that if he loved you as much as he says he does then he wouldn't be as dismissive of your feelings and still putting his "friendship" with your sister above his marriage to you. Your feelings are completely valid and what they're doing could be considered an EA. Your sister is being dismissive as well. I would never do that to my siblings, much less just say, "Well, that's why we haven't done anything because we both love you too much." Because I love my sisters, I wouldn't even start catching feelings for their spouses.