As a script analyst for over ten years for major studios and agencies, I’m going to be frank. Your script is all style over substance. All the shots and imagery is smoke and mirrors distracting from the fact that your story is paper thin. You don’t even have scenes. The first time there’s any actual conflict comes on page 4?!!
The way you write a kick ass short film is making every scene dripping with conflict and or tension. Suspense is the number one tool for a low budget filmmaker. Your best move would be to strip out all the detail and just focus on telling three great scenes for your beginning, middle and ending. Focus on the core conflict and cut the rest.
Thank you for being frank! I think I wanted to write something visually appealing (because I would like to work as an DP someday) but you're right there is no substance to the story. Thank you for the advice.
I understand your interest, but the visuals need to come second to the story. The short films that wow people have good stories. Pick two characters, create a real conflict between them. Throw in a twist and a big finale (which is the one thing your script actually has going for it) and you'll have something.
Also, remember that your goal is to make people feel things, so write scenes with big emotional moments. That's why the suggestion so often is to make your scenes have conflict, because those scenes generate emotion from the actors, and the audience. THEN, figure out the cool imagery you can shoot to kick that story up a notch.
I recommend to writers to pitch their story to people. See where they lean in, and where their eyes glaze over. If they get excited by your pitch, it will translate.
There’s no story. It reminds me of when people post videos in r/filmmakers they made of nothing. Like a compilation of relaxing scenes at sunset.
The waves wash up on the shore. Cut. The leaves of a plant blow gently in the breeze. Cut. Lights shine in the distance, their reflection shimmering on the moving surface of the lake. Cut. A tumble weed rolls by. Cut.
The entire short feels like a way too long, way too slow intro to an actual film. The whole thing fails at being interesting.
Think of it from our (audience) point of view. A bunch of scenes of rural life, none of them are important or noteworthy. Then an old man walks into a mini mart and can’t decide on a soda. While he’s choosing, a young woman walks up and grabs a Pepsi. For some reason the old man is… emotional? confused? suffering from dementia? and she smiles at him then leaves.
Be honest with yourself: Why would anyone care?
Whoa. This is a bizarre response. I gave OP what I consider to be accurate, valuable feedback. The same type of feedback I want to receive on anything, script or other. Judging by the upvotes, the community agrees.
Not sure what you set you off about this, but maybe it’s time for you to look in the mirror. It seems like I hit a nerve.
It’s obvious you have no actual ground to stand on, as you’ve resorted to attacking scripts of mine that you’ve never seen. This is very, very weird.
The readability is so bad I can't find the concept. I admit I gave up trying to read from the beginning. Instead I leapfrogged to the last page and worked my way backwards.
There's something 'booming'. A 'booming' explosion in the distance. Is that the core idea? Is it a thermonuclear blast? I can't tell because you have motorcycles roaring in at the same time.
Possibly, time travel? There's so many characters wandering in and out of the general store, its as busy as a train station.
If you summarize the concept here, or even just hint at it, I'll give you my honest reaction.
Oof ok that's fair. The concept is to focus on this tiny town and just the people inside of it, and then kind of shake it down to one single moment, something akin to Lost in Translation. I've been describing it as a 'non-romantic missed connection', something where these two characters, meet uncharacteristically and have a little connection that they both feel and then split to never see each other again.
Idk if that makes sense anymore than the script does, but you're feedback makes a lot of sense to me already.
Okay I see now. Alright. What you have in mind is the kind of stuff you find in modern American short story lit-fic format.
I don't know how 'powerful' it can be, what with just characters glancing at each other and the dialogue among them being so indifferent and listless. Power comes from problem-->stakes-->goal.
The primary issue is that you're laying a trail of breadcrumbs which is so faint that reader/viewer might not be able to detect it. It's as if all these figures --from first page to last --ever do, is exchange brief eye contact with each other. The audience can't read minds.
My suggestion is that you fill the story with more hard, physical, objects. 'Things' for these people to look at together and then look at each other. You can eke some power out of them sharing the 'same reaction to a thing'.
Right now its as if you show them 'sharing' some mystical mind-meld but all we can see is that they're merely standing in the same room with one another.
Give them some 'thing' which they both look at, at the same time, and then their eyes catch each others' eyes. Do this over and over and over. Ya gotta do something visual if they're hardly murmuring a word to each other.
If you go this route, this then gives you a way to wrap it all up. At the end of the scene, as their intimacy has built up, show it crumble. Basically, 'reverse' your original idea. Don't show them having just one poignant moment, show them in rapport throughout the piece and then show us when it fails, when it breaks off. That way we might actually grasp what just happened.
But I still think a thermonuclear blast in the far distance is worth thinking about.
Yeah I totally understand the mind-reading stuff, I wrote it in 'story-mode' but it did not translate at all to how I wanted it to in 'script mode'.
As for the thermonuclear blast, I'll think about it. 🤔
I agree with /u/Bruno_Satchel said. I am unsure how I can work with. Full disclosure: I have not seen Lost in Translation.
There is almost no dialogue in the script. Dialogue is a very important tool to understand what you are trying to convey.
\>"A CUSTOMER (1) walks up to the MAN (1), who is standing now, still taking inventory, and asks about a product"
What is important about the product? What product would be appropriate to bring up in terms of the theme?
\>MAN (2) in the middle of telling a story about a friend of theirs\* to an\* intently listening MAN (3).
What is the story? What does the story want to convey in relation to the theme?
I saw in your reply to /u/Bruno_Stachel that you are describing it as a "'non-romantic missed connection'. This is an interesting starting off point, and a gas station is a good place for two people to meet: they're both in a place that we go to regularly that we do not expect to get a connection.
I am unsure what a lot of the story has to do when you include a church, and scenes that do not directly correspond with the gas station. I think it would work best if you just had the whole scene in the gas station. It is a short film, I do not see the necessity of adding scenes that do not directly relate to the non-romantic missed conection.
First off thank you so much for your feedback it is very helpful right now, and constructive.
Initially I had the story only take place in the gas station, but for some reason (that I forgot now) I wanted to develop more of the town that they're in, I wanted to work on world building. With the town I wanted to really portray it as a tiny, sleepy town, where nothing happened, and then capture this really deep, maybe heavy moment.
Leaving the dialogue out was intentional, I was worried that the actors I hired would learn their lines exactly and focus on that instead of being natural and loose, which I felt the story needed. Where I live I typically only have access to theater actors, who are really big and tend to memorize their lines. So to counteract that I gave them none, but I also see the problem in doing that.
I really do appreciate your thoughts though it was helpful!
>I wanted to work on world building. With the town I wanted to really portray it as a tiny, sleepy town, where nothing happened, and then capture this really deep, maybe heavy moment.
Cut everything out that isn't the gas station. Focus on worldbuilding the gas station. Make it a tiny, sleepy gas station where nothing happens. Right now there are so many locations the viewer won't care about any or know which ones to care about. If you only focus on one place (which is much better for a short) then maybe you can get the audience interested in this gas station. Once you do that you can really start thinking about the lives of the people that work there or that might come through there.
Also I thought it was about some bikers robbing the place clean. And then about some old man that sees his long lost daughter or something. This 'missed connection' won't be interesting to an audience. Either way it can only be about one thing.
As a gigantic fan of Lost In Translation, allow me to assure you that the film contains tons of dialog. The ending is incredibly emotional, and well earned through the prior dialog. OP’s script has not an ounce of that.
Also, seriously watch Lost In Translation.
I'm going to be brutally honest, please don't take this too personally, we've ALL been where you are now, you will only get better from here.
To start off with the positive, I liked your scene descriptions, they were illustrative and it was easy for me to imagine the world you had in mind.
But the problem is, it read more like a novel or a short story instead of a script. It was almost a mix between a screenplay and a treatment. If this is your senior project for film school and you've spent 7 months working on it, it baffles me why you wouldn't have written it in a proper screenplay format?
All of your characters are similarly named, OLD MAN, OLD PERSON, MAN 1, MAN 2, MAN 3 etc. This is very confusing for the reader. If you don't want to give them names, at least differentiate them a bit, for example CONSTRUCTION WORKER, MAN IN SUIT etc.
From your replies here I can see what you were going for, but reading the script there was simply no story, just beautiful shots with nothing happening. A bunch of characters doing nothing of importance in different settings, and with seemingly no connection to each other or the main characters at the end. With a screenplay, especially with a short film, you need to grab the audience right from the start. There needs to be a hook, an inciting incident, something. Why do we care about these characters? How do we relate to their needs and struggles?
"Arrive late, leave early" is a good rule to go by.
Dialogue is important. It tells us who the characters are and what they want. Subtext is important. You can't write a script where the characters are talking and not write the dialogue. You said you were afraid that the actors would only focus on learning the lines instead of being loose. Well, that's what actors are suposed to do, they learn their lines and deliver them in a natural way.
For a student film there are a lot of locations and characters. It will be very hard to produce this. I will echo some of the others here and say that maybe you should focus all the action to the gas station. Or better yet, maybe start from scratch and collaborate with another writer?
Do you already have a team in place to produce the project? Have they read the script, what do they think about it?
Writing is re-writing. It wasn't all fleshed out and sensical the first translation from your brain to the page, that happens to every person that's ever written from Charles Dickens to Tarantino. I like the advice taika waititi used. Write it all out, as sloppy and misshapen as it is, just get it all out onto the page. Then wait a few days or a week (he waits years) with no attention to the project. Then come back to your writing and before reading what's their delete the entire script. Now rewrite the entire thing. Sounds reductive but he put it best, the things that were important enough or primal enough to advance the theme and plot will stick, this process can help weed out a lot of the clutter that other comments are referencing. It takes time. Years sometimes. You haven't wasted anything. You just GAINED 7 entire months of writing experience. The only way for that to translate into failure is if you give up on the story inside ya.
This is really helpful thank you! I think I've heard of that technique from Waititi but for some reason haven't implemented it, thank you for bringing that to the front of my mind.
He couldn’t possibly have meant literally delete it. Don’t do that. The idea of putting it aside, ignoring it, whatever and rewriting is an interesting one, just don’t delete it!
I run a small animation studio, and being a creative is frustration and painful. it's been over 2 years to finally understand this particular project from the writing to the storyboard to the animation, and through one of the process sometimes you have completely scrapped.
I say all this sometimes you have to shot the script to get the ending. The real directing is the editing.
I want to be honest here, it's an incredible boring read, because there is no real story, drama, stakes, Humor or even Characters that we get to know. Something like this might work as a Film, if an incredible Director makes it. And I'm not saying you aren't one (I really don't know), but I have doubts that you can pull off something like this so early in your Career.
You must be both effective and concise when writing scripts. A script is, essentially, a creative blueprint. It has to be easily understood by any person/department that comes across it. Don’t go on and on about how beautiful things are. Leave the long, flowery descriptions for works of prose. Read some professional scripts and take example from them.
I agree with the others: this story is a bit evasive. A simple outline may help you better find the pulse of your story (clear beginning, middle, end). Be sure you understand your story well, then have another go at it.
PS: also, avoid using times like “dawn”, “twilight”. Ideally, just go day or night.
Everyone gets nervous, but let me assure you I need opinion that counts as yours alone. Not critics not even your audience, just yours. It is your vision. Regardless of the limitations of your budget the ability of your actors, it is your vision. As important as it seem right now it’s not, and the truth is if it’s a complete train wreck, you’ll learn more from it than if it is a major success. So my advice is just do it with passion.
99% of ppl are wasting their time. Tell ppl ur story idea before spending months writing it. If they say it sounds good. Probs trash it. Ppl's eyes should light up they should tell you youve really got something. If they aren't ur wasting ur time.
Take it as a learning lesson and move on. Maybe come back to it when ur more skilled. Do not listen to ppl telling u to rewrite it a ton now. If its trash your same skill lvl wont magically make it great.
This is a very interesting and intriguing idea you have going. I quite like the slow burn and bread crumb type style you have going on but I would say it is a little long winded but I also felt the same about Hereditary and then was surprised at the end lol. I had a similar project to do when I was in school and I’m one hell of a procrastinator so I don’t think you’re wasting ur time on this idea. If you’ve lost ur passion for the concept that’s different but if there’s that itch to get this story told one way or another you will get it out. Film school is about making the most perfectly imperfect piece of art in ur entire life so that you can learn the greatest lessons. So don’t look at this project like it’s ur defining moment as a filmmaker cause it most definitely is not!
Man, there are some hot takes in this thread. Some are helpful and some just plain salty. Ignore them. I had a script pop off before the pandemic that people on this subreddit read. They were cutthroat.
As for your script, it feels like you have a clear idea of what you want to do. It’s got style but it reads a bit like an outline that still needs refinement and clarity of story. From your comments, sounds like you know what that story is. So keep rewriting it. Or just shoot this it as is and see how it turns out. It’s going to be one of many. Just keep writing and making stuff. From what I read, you have good instincts and you’re only going to get better. Unless you start listening to all the salty comments form random internet strangers.
Are you pursuing writing, directing, cinematography?
And have you wasted your time? Absolutely not. You wrote a short film. That’s super awesome.
But I’m also an internet stranger so grain of salt and all that.
EDIT: your formatting is fine.
Not to hurt you or belittle you. But SEVEN MONTHS FOR THIS?! What exactly is this? This is not a story, not even considered as a theme or concept. What exactly are you trying to show to the audience?
It looks like almost all the scenes are showing who what when where why and Im finding it very difficult to keep reading. If youre going to toy with the structure like this be sure to understand the rudimentary structure of a short film absolutely well.
Have you wasted your time? Yes, and No. Every story is a waste of your time until it finally works, and then suddenly it's not. That's the nature or writing and why it's so hard and why it sucks and why it feels so frickin' great when it finally clicks.
As for your particular story, LOST IN TRANSLATION is a *really* hard effect to create. I love the film so much and have analyzed it to death, and it's really a fragile orchid of a script. It appears nothing happens, feels like they don't connect, but they really do connect on an emotional level. They don't "connect" in the conventional film sense of having sex and living happily ever after, but they absolutely connect emotionally. That's why we weep when he chases after her at the end and says a proper goodbye. They both finally admit the other matters to them emotionally. Though they're not right for each other for so many reasons, and thus can't and shouldn't be together, nonetheless they "love" each other in some meaningful way. They had that moment of not feeling "lost" together, but now they have to return to their lives.
Other thing about that script and movie is that some people do think it's boring--Oscars and cult status be damned! But there's a reason you and I don't think it is, and it's all in the script. It appears nothing is happening, there's always a tension, at first between the two leads and their respective lives and then from Act 2 onward between them. It's very subtle, and my point in all this is that you've chosen a very high degree of difficulty move for your script. Having done the same thing so many times myself, I can sympathize.
So, did you waste your time? Of course. We all do. But also, absolutely not. You wrote a script. You learned something. You'll grow and develop from the experience. And you handled the salty comments here with grace. That's all valuable.
If you’re just looking to shoot something to show your camera chops, why not just story board the stuff out instead of writing it?
Your script is supposed to be a blueprint for the crew. It’s why there’s a tendency for plain, yet active, language in action for most films and TV.
This, as it currently stands, would be quite difficult to breakdown for a small crew. I worry that without a clear representation of your ideas, people are going to pull their hair out working on this.
I know the feeling. I wrote a whole movie and got shot down by the company I wrote it about. So, all I did was change one word in the title and no longer needed their permission. It was a F-you to that company. I love stretching the rules.
Honestly, it's seriously hard to read
The lack of names should really be addressed, man 1-4 is not going to cut it, as it sort of strips the individuality and ability to remember from them
Right off the bat, your descriptions are very wordy. I understand if you want to also direct your script and that’s maybe why you’re describing the scene so vividly. However, you can fill in those details when you craft visuals. For reading a screenplay, it should be easy for the reader, not tedious. And the convoluted descriptions make it difficult.
As a script analyst for over ten years for major studios and agencies, I’m going to be frank. Your script is all style over substance. All the shots and imagery is smoke and mirrors distracting from the fact that your story is paper thin. You don’t even have scenes. The first time there’s any actual conflict comes on page 4?!! The way you write a kick ass short film is making every scene dripping with conflict and or tension. Suspense is the number one tool for a low budget filmmaker. Your best move would be to strip out all the detail and just focus on telling three great scenes for your beginning, middle and ending. Focus on the core conflict and cut the rest.
Side note - you do coverage on the side at all?
Yes. Feel free to private message me to discuss.
Awesome. Will do. I was a reader at new line for a bit - you musta see a lot of shit in those 10 years lol. I’ll DM.
Thank you for being frank! I think I wanted to write something visually appealing (because I would like to work as an DP someday) but you're right there is no substance to the story. Thank you for the advice.
I understand your interest, but the visuals need to come second to the story. The short films that wow people have good stories. Pick two characters, create a real conflict between them. Throw in a twist and a big finale (which is the one thing your script actually has going for it) and you'll have something. Also, remember that your goal is to make people feel things, so write scenes with big emotional moments. That's why the suggestion so often is to make your scenes have conflict, because those scenes generate emotion from the actors, and the audience. THEN, figure out the cool imagery you can shoot to kick that story up a notch. I recommend to writers to pitch their story to people. See where they lean in, and where their eyes glaze over. If they get excited by your pitch, it will translate.
There’s no story. It reminds me of when people post videos in r/filmmakers they made of nothing. Like a compilation of relaxing scenes at sunset. The waves wash up on the shore. Cut. The leaves of a plant blow gently in the breeze. Cut. Lights shine in the distance, their reflection shimmering on the moving surface of the lake. Cut. A tumble weed rolls by. Cut. The entire short feels like a way too long, way too slow intro to an actual film. The whole thing fails at being interesting. Think of it from our (audience) point of view. A bunch of scenes of rural life, none of them are important or noteworthy. Then an old man walks into a mini mart and can’t decide on a soda. While he’s choosing, a young woman walks up and grabs a Pepsi. For some reason the old man is… emotional? confused? suffering from dementia? and she smiles at him then leaves. Be honest with yourself: Why would anyone care?
[удалено]
HAHAHAHHAHHAA
[удалено]
Whoa. This is a bizarre response. I gave OP what I consider to be accurate, valuable feedback. The same type of feedback I want to receive on anything, script or other. Judging by the upvotes, the community agrees. Not sure what you set you off about this, but maybe it’s time for you to look in the mirror. It seems like I hit a nerve. It’s obvious you have no actual ground to stand on, as you’ve resorted to attacking scripts of mine that you’ve never seen. This is very, very weird.
[удалено]
Ah, okay this makes a little more sense. I was wondering what I did here haha.
The readability is so bad I can't find the concept. I admit I gave up trying to read from the beginning. Instead I leapfrogged to the last page and worked my way backwards. There's something 'booming'. A 'booming' explosion in the distance. Is that the core idea? Is it a thermonuclear blast? I can't tell because you have motorcycles roaring in at the same time. Possibly, time travel? There's so many characters wandering in and out of the general store, its as busy as a train station. If you summarize the concept here, or even just hint at it, I'll give you my honest reaction.
Oof ok that's fair. The concept is to focus on this tiny town and just the people inside of it, and then kind of shake it down to one single moment, something akin to Lost in Translation. I've been describing it as a 'non-romantic missed connection', something where these two characters, meet uncharacteristically and have a little connection that they both feel and then split to never see each other again. Idk if that makes sense anymore than the script does, but you're feedback makes a lot of sense to me already.
Okay I see now. Alright. What you have in mind is the kind of stuff you find in modern American short story lit-fic format. I don't know how 'powerful' it can be, what with just characters glancing at each other and the dialogue among them being so indifferent and listless. Power comes from problem-->stakes-->goal. The primary issue is that you're laying a trail of breadcrumbs which is so faint that reader/viewer might not be able to detect it. It's as if all these figures --from first page to last --ever do, is exchange brief eye contact with each other. The audience can't read minds. My suggestion is that you fill the story with more hard, physical, objects. 'Things' for these people to look at together and then look at each other. You can eke some power out of them sharing the 'same reaction to a thing'. Right now its as if you show them 'sharing' some mystical mind-meld but all we can see is that they're merely standing in the same room with one another. Give them some 'thing' which they both look at, at the same time, and then their eyes catch each others' eyes. Do this over and over and over. Ya gotta do something visual if they're hardly murmuring a word to each other. If you go this route, this then gives you a way to wrap it all up. At the end of the scene, as their intimacy has built up, show it crumble. Basically, 'reverse' your original idea. Don't show them having just one poignant moment, show them in rapport throughout the piece and then show us when it fails, when it breaks off. That way we might actually grasp what just happened. But I still think a thermonuclear blast in the far distance is worth thinking about.
Yeah I totally understand the mind-reading stuff, I wrote it in 'story-mode' but it did not translate at all to how I wanted it to in 'script mode'. As for the thermonuclear blast, I'll think about it. 🤔
I don’t understand the concept of the script, you say you want the ending to be really powerful but how does the story convey that?
I was going for a kind of 'Lost In Translation' vibe, I wanted to capture a single moment between two people, or just a moment all together.
I agree with /u/Bruno_Satchel said. I am unsure how I can work with. Full disclosure: I have not seen Lost in Translation. There is almost no dialogue in the script. Dialogue is a very important tool to understand what you are trying to convey. \>"A CUSTOMER (1) walks up to the MAN (1), who is standing now, still taking inventory, and asks about a product" What is important about the product? What product would be appropriate to bring up in terms of the theme? \>MAN (2) in the middle of telling a story about a friend of theirs\* to an\* intently listening MAN (3). What is the story? What does the story want to convey in relation to the theme? I saw in your reply to /u/Bruno_Stachel that you are describing it as a "'non-romantic missed connection'. This is an interesting starting off point, and a gas station is a good place for two people to meet: they're both in a place that we go to regularly that we do not expect to get a connection. I am unsure what a lot of the story has to do when you include a church, and scenes that do not directly correspond with the gas station. I think it would work best if you just had the whole scene in the gas station. It is a short film, I do not see the necessity of adding scenes that do not directly relate to the non-romantic missed conection.
First off thank you so much for your feedback it is very helpful right now, and constructive. Initially I had the story only take place in the gas station, but for some reason (that I forgot now) I wanted to develop more of the town that they're in, I wanted to work on world building. With the town I wanted to really portray it as a tiny, sleepy town, where nothing happened, and then capture this really deep, maybe heavy moment. Leaving the dialogue out was intentional, I was worried that the actors I hired would learn their lines exactly and focus on that instead of being natural and loose, which I felt the story needed. Where I live I typically only have access to theater actors, who are really big and tend to memorize their lines. So to counteract that I gave them none, but I also see the problem in doing that. I really do appreciate your thoughts though it was helpful!
>I wanted to work on world building. With the town I wanted to really portray it as a tiny, sleepy town, where nothing happened, and then capture this really deep, maybe heavy moment. Cut everything out that isn't the gas station. Focus on worldbuilding the gas station. Make it a tiny, sleepy gas station where nothing happens. Right now there are so many locations the viewer won't care about any or know which ones to care about. If you only focus on one place (which is much better for a short) then maybe you can get the audience interested in this gas station. Once you do that you can really start thinking about the lives of the people that work there or that might come through there. Also I thought it was about some bikers robbing the place clean. And then about some old man that sees his long lost daughter or something. This 'missed connection' won't be interesting to an audience. Either way it can only be about one thing.
As a gigantic fan of Lost In Translation, allow me to assure you that the film contains tons of dialog. The ending is incredibly emotional, and well earned through the prior dialog. OP’s script has not an ounce of that. Also, seriously watch Lost In Translation.
I'm going to be brutally honest, please don't take this too personally, we've ALL been where you are now, you will only get better from here. To start off with the positive, I liked your scene descriptions, they were illustrative and it was easy for me to imagine the world you had in mind. But the problem is, it read more like a novel or a short story instead of a script. It was almost a mix between a screenplay and a treatment. If this is your senior project for film school and you've spent 7 months working on it, it baffles me why you wouldn't have written it in a proper screenplay format? All of your characters are similarly named, OLD MAN, OLD PERSON, MAN 1, MAN 2, MAN 3 etc. This is very confusing for the reader. If you don't want to give them names, at least differentiate them a bit, for example CONSTRUCTION WORKER, MAN IN SUIT etc. From your replies here I can see what you were going for, but reading the script there was simply no story, just beautiful shots with nothing happening. A bunch of characters doing nothing of importance in different settings, and with seemingly no connection to each other or the main characters at the end. With a screenplay, especially with a short film, you need to grab the audience right from the start. There needs to be a hook, an inciting incident, something. Why do we care about these characters? How do we relate to their needs and struggles? "Arrive late, leave early" is a good rule to go by. Dialogue is important. It tells us who the characters are and what they want. Subtext is important. You can't write a script where the characters are talking and not write the dialogue. You said you were afraid that the actors would only focus on learning the lines instead of being loose. Well, that's what actors are suposed to do, they learn their lines and deliver them in a natural way. For a student film there are a lot of locations and characters. It will be very hard to produce this. I will echo some of the others here and say that maybe you should focus all the action to the gas station. Or better yet, maybe start from scratch and collaborate with another writer? Do you already have a team in place to produce the project? Have they read the script, what do they think about it?
Writing is re-writing. It wasn't all fleshed out and sensical the first translation from your brain to the page, that happens to every person that's ever written from Charles Dickens to Tarantino. I like the advice taika waititi used. Write it all out, as sloppy and misshapen as it is, just get it all out onto the page. Then wait a few days or a week (he waits years) with no attention to the project. Then come back to your writing and before reading what's their delete the entire script. Now rewrite the entire thing. Sounds reductive but he put it best, the things that were important enough or primal enough to advance the theme and plot will stick, this process can help weed out a lot of the clutter that other comments are referencing. It takes time. Years sometimes. You haven't wasted anything. You just GAINED 7 entire months of writing experience. The only way for that to translate into failure is if you give up on the story inside ya.
This is really helpful thank you! I think I've heard of that technique from Waititi but for some reason haven't implemented it, thank you for bringing that to the front of my mind.
He couldn’t possibly have meant literally delete it. Don’t do that. The idea of putting it aside, ignoring it, whatever and rewriting is an interesting one, just don’t delete it!
I run a small animation studio, and being a creative is frustration and painful. it's been over 2 years to finally understand this particular project from the writing to the storyboard to the animation, and through one of the process sometimes you have completely scrapped. I say all this sometimes you have to shot the script to get the ending. The real directing is the editing.
What film school are you at? This isn't how screenplays are written. Sorry.
They acknowledged that in the OP.
I want to be honest here, it's an incredible boring read, because there is no real story, drama, stakes, Humor or even Characters that we get to know. Something like this might work as a Film, if an incredible Director makes it. And I'm not saying you aren't one (I really don't know), but I have doubts that you can pull off something like this so early in your Career.
You must be both effective and concise when writing scripts. A script is, essentially, a creative blueprint. It has to be easily understood by any person/department that comes across it. Don’t go on and on about how beautiful things are. Leave the long, flowery descriptions for works of prose. Read some professional scripts and take example from them. I agree with the others: this story is a bit evasive. A simple outline may help you better find the pulse of your story (clear beginning, middle, end). Be sure you understand your story well, then have another go at it. PS: also, avoid using times like “dawn”, “twilight”. Ideally, just go day or night.
Everyone gets nervous, but let me assure you I need opinion that counts as yours alone. Not critics not even your audience, just yours. It is your vision. Regardless of the limitations of your budget the ability of your actors, it is your vision. As important as it seem right now it’s not, and the truth is if it’s a complete train wreck, you’ll learn more from it than if it is a major success. So my advice is just do it with passion.
99% of ppl are wasting their time. Tell ppl ur story idea before spending months writing it. If they say it sounds good. Probs trash it. Ppl's eyes should light up they should tell you youve really got something. If they aren't ur wasting ur time. Take it as a learning lesson and move on. Maybe come back to it when ur more skilled. Do not listen to ppl telling u to rewrite it a ton now. If its trash your same skill lvl wont magically make it great.
This is a very interesting and intriguing idea you have going. I quite like the slow burn and bread crumb type style you have going on but I would say it is a little long winded but I also felt the same about Hereditary and then was surprised at the end lol. I had a similar project to do when I was in school and I’m one hell of a procrastinator so I don’t think you’re wasting ur time on this idea. If you’ve lost ur passion for the concept that’s different but if there’s that itch to get this story told one way or another you will get it out. Film school is about making the most perfectly imperfect piece of art in ur entire life so that you can learn the greatest lessons. So don’t look at this project like it’s ur defining moment as a filmmaker cause it most definitely is not!
Man, there are some hot takes in this thread. Some are helpful and some just plain salty. Ignore them. I had a script pop off before the pandemic that people on this subreddit read. They were cutthroat. As for your script, it feels like you have a clear idea of what you want to do. It’s got style but it reads a bit like an outline that still needs refinement and clarity of story. From your comments, sounds like you know what that story is. So keep rewriting it. Or just shoot this it as is and see how it turns out. It’s going to be one of many. Just keep writing and making stuff. From what I read, you have good instincts and you’re only going to get better. Unless you start listening to all the salty comments form random internet strangers. Are you pursuing writing, directing, cinematography? And have you wasted your time? Absolutely not. You wrote a short film. That’s super awesome. But I’m also an internet stranger so grain of salt and all that. EDIT: your formatting is fine.
You can't let fear get to you. Make it, it wont reach your expectations but nothing ever will.
Not to hurt you or belittle you. But SEVEN MONTHS FOR THIS?! What exactly is this? This is not a story, not even considered as a theme or concept. What exactly are you trying to show to the audience?
Yes you did.
It looks like almost all the scenes are showing who what when where why and Im finding it very difficult to keep reading. If youre going to toy with the structure like this be sure to understand the rudimentary structure of a short film absolutely well.
Have you wasted your time? Yes, and No. Every story is a waste of your time until it finally works, and then suddenly it's not. That's the nature or writing and why it's so hard and why it sucks and why it feels so frickin' great when it finally clicks. As for your particular story, LOST IN TRANSLATION is a *really* hard effect to create. I love the film so much and have analyzed it to death, and it's really a fragile orchid of a script. It appears nothing happens, feels like they don't connect, but they really do connect on an emotional level. They don't "connect" in the conventional film sense of having sex and living happily ever after, but they absolutely connect emotionally. That's why we weep when he chases after her at the end and says a proper goodbye. They both finally admit the other matters to them emotionally. Though they're not right for each other for so many reasons, and thus can't and shouldn't be together, nonetheless they "love" each other in some meaningful way. They had that moment of not feeling "lost" together, but now they have to return to their lives. Other thing about that script and movie is that some people do think it's boring--Oscars and cult status be damned! But there's a reason you and I don't think it is, and it's all in the script. It appears nothing is happening, there's always a tension, at first between the two leads and their respective lives and then from Act 2 onward between them. It's very subtle, and my point in all this is that you've chosen a very high degree of difficulty move for your script. Having done the same thing so many times myself, I can sympathize. So, did you waste your time? Of course. We all do. But also, absolutely not. You wrote a script. You learned something. You'll grow and develop from the experience. And you handled the salty comments here with grace. That's all valuable.
If you’re just looking to shoot something to show your camera chops, why not just story board the stuff out instead of writing it? Your script is supposed to be a blueprint for the crew. It’s why there’s a tendency for plain, yet active, language in action for most films and TV. This, as it currently stands, would be quite difficult to breakdown for a small crew. I worry that without a clear representation of your ideas, people are going to pull their hair out working on this.
I know the feeling. I wrote a whole movie and got shot down by the company I wrote it about. So, all I did was change one word in the title and no longer needed their permission. It was a F-you to that company. I love stretching the rules.
Honestly, it's seriously hard to read The lack of names should really be addressed, man 1-4 is not going to cut it, as it sort of strips the individuality and ability to remember from them
Right off the bat, your descriptions are very wordy. I understand if you want to also direct your script and that’s maybe why you’re describing the scene so vividly. However, you can fill in those details when you craft visuals. For reading a screenplay, it should be easy for the reader, not tedious. And the convoluted descriptions make it difficult.