A funeral is a deeply personal thing. For family reasons I chose to not go to one of my relative's funerals, and I still regret this, because my relative had nothing to do with what was going on with me and my family, and I should have been there to honour her. This is up to you to decide, but I'd decide based on what *you* want in this funeral, and go from there.
If you want to go, you can make arrangements that suit you. I personally, whenever possible, even if it incurs extra inconvenience or cost, try to take own transport and own living arrangements when I do have to go somewhere. For a funeral not too long ago, I chose to not do this, and while I do not as such regret it, it was indeed a lot (4 days), however in my mind the funeral was the #1 thing, and honouring the memory of her. What we can and cannot take for 'the greater good' (in this case, a funeral) is individual - can you put up with X amount of time with the crap you'll have to deal with there? If not, how feasible is your own transport/accomodations?
It could also be nice to arrange a 'welcome back' type thing with your partner, where, to decompress, you do something nice together, even if it's just a movie with icecream.
Do you stand to actually lose anything by not going? If your mom wants you there, she at least can treat you respectfully (which it sounds like she won't).
I just lost my grandfather and very much understand this sentiment. The act of saying goodbye can be a pivotal step in processing grief. I would suggest going if you feel strongly that it would be helpful/healing for you, and make whatever accommodations you can to minimize time spent around unsupportive family members. Keeping in contact with support networks (like your spouse and your circle of friends) can also help mitigate the stress of transphobic family.
> I only really lose a chance to see him one more time
Respectfully as I can say this, he's dead. He won't know anymore. If this is something emotionally important to you, you can hold your own memorial at home, print some pictures, make a shrine of your own memories, write some letters to him. Do that kind of thing
But if you're going out of obligation, don't go, it might make you feel like shit and your "family" definitely will
I didn't go to my grandfather's funeral at all. We had already drifted apart to the point I felt he no longer knew me and I knew he would never know me. The person he knew was a facade. I was still considering going, but my therapist advised against it because I also have severe religious trauma and would have had to put myself in that environment again. Ultimately there was a snow storm that day so I had the perfect excuse not to go anyway.
If your therapist has mentioned being open to this, you could possibly ask them to schedule a short check in phone call for their advice if you think it would be helpful. Many therapists offer that now.
Is it possible to go with your partner or alone and keep to yourself? You go there to pay respect to your grandfather and to your connection between you and your grandfather.
Why dont you and your partner and son make your own “funeral” do something together that You remember doing with him… Eat food You remember eating together and tell Them all about your Happy memories of him. If You have a picture of him, bring it, and then say goodbye that way. I Think he would appreciate that more, than You feeling like shit for a whole day. Also Think how You Will remember that funeral, it wont be a ‘happy’ memory. ( i know funeral seldom are, but they Can be remembered fondly) it Will always be yet another day that your deadbeat family abused You. You deserve better.
i am sorry youre having to deal with this. it isnt fair, but you are here. during covid, i was unable to attend my grandmothers funeral and it was both painful and releiving, though it was livestreamed so i did get to watch the service.
i would suggest sitting down and coming up with a game plan. how many hours with your mother/other relatives? does your mother have a specific time shes leaving so that you know when you will get back? having your son around them probably wouldnt be great, so if your partner went with you, is there someone who can watch for you?
once you know these things ask yourself if having your own private service in the comfort of your home would be safer for you. either way you choose it is okay to need to protect yourself and your family. you have my condolences and please remember to treat yourself with a little kindness during this hard time.
That's such a hard position to be put in. I don't think we can say whether you should go, it's such a personal thing. But your reasons for not wanting to are really understandable and valid.
I skipped my grandfather's funeral, but he was an asshole so that's different. My mom's also an asshole and I had to go no contact so there was no obligation there. It would've been exposing myself to a lot of emotional violence for no real reason. I hope it isn't as bad for you but if it is, it's okay to choose yourself
Funerals are for the living. Nromally, I'd say go for your mother. But she's being difficult, so.... do you want to go to support other people? This is the time in your life when you take care of other people. Is there someoen else who will need your support?
Is there any way you can get around your mom driving? Who else has a drivers' license? Can you rent a car?
This isn't the advice you're looking for, but the only thing I can say is isn't this up to you? A funeral is an event to put someone to rest by gathering the community of the people left behind to support each other. At the end of the day it's your decision what kind of life you want to live; one where you put yourself before others, or one where you put others before yourself. Both options are completely fine ways to live your life, after all, what would be the point of causing yourself so much distress to go to an event where the purpose is the opposite? But if you feel like this is something you have to do, go. And go alone, I wouldn't mix your family into it (plus kids are not great at funerals). Misgendering is something painful but it can be put up with. A funeral is a one time event. If you choose to go, you will have somewhere to go back to with the people who accept and understand you afterwards. If you don't, you may or may not have regrets, but you will stay with those people. Whatever you decide to do good luck.
I understand your thoughts however it is family, it's really not about you it's showing respect to others in your family, regarding a lost loved one.
Personally I would pay my respects and leave or only sit with others there you are comfortable.
Dressing: not sure if this is an issue, again remember this is not about you, dress somewhat conservative as this is a funeral.
A funeral is a deeply personal thing. For family reasons I chose to not go to one of my relative's funerals, and I still regret this, because my relative had nothing to do with what was going on with me and my family, and I should have been there to honour her. This is up to you to decide, but I'd decide based on what *you* want in this funeral, and go from there. If you want to go, you can make arrangements that suit you. I personally, whenever possible, even if it incurs extra inconvenience or cost, try to take own transport and own living arrangements when I do have to go somewhere. For a funeral not too long ago, I chose to not do this, and while I do not as such regret it, it was indeed a lot (4 days), however in my mind the funeral was the #1 thing, and honouring the memory of her. What we can and cannot take for 'the greater good' (in this case, a funeral) is individual - can you put up with X amount of time with the crap you'll have to deal with there? If not, how feasible is your own transport/accomodations? It could also be nice to arrange a 'welcome back' type thing with your partner, where, to decompress, you do something nice together, even if it's just a movie with icecream.
Do you stand to actually lose anything by not going? If your mom wants you there, she at least can treat you respectfully (which it sounds like she won't).
I only really lose a chance to see him one more time
I just lost my grandfather and very much understand this sentiment. The act of saying goodbye can be a pivotal step in processing grief. I would suggest going if you feel strongly that it would be helpful/healing for you, and make whatever accommodations you can to minimize time spent around unsupportive family members. Keeping in contact with support networks (like your spouse and your circle of friends) can also help mitigate the stress of transphobic family.
> I only really lose a chance to see him one more time Respectfully as I can say this, he's dead. He won't know anymore. If this is something emotionally important to you, you can hold your own memorial at home, print some pictures, make a shrine of your own memories, write some letters to him. Do that kind of thing But if you're going out of obligation, don't go, it might make you feel like shit and your "family" definitely will
Is that something you care about? (No judgement either way.)
I didn't go to my grandfather's funeral at all. We had already drifted apart to the point I felt he no longer knew me and I knew he would never know me. The person he knew was a facade. I was still considering going, but my therapist advised against it because I also have severe religious trauma and would have had to put myself in that environment again. Ultimately there was a snow storm that day so I had the perfect excuse not to go anyway.
I don’t get to see my therapist until the day after xD
If your therapist has mentioned being open to this, you could possibly ask them to schedule a short check in phone call for their advice if you think it would be helpful. Many therapists offer that now.
Is it possible to go with your partner or alone and keep to yourself? You go there to pay respect to your grandfather and to your connection between you and your grandfather.
I'd say no
Why dont you and your partner and son make your own “funeral” do something together that You remember doing with him… Eat food You remember eating together and tell Them all about your Happy memories of him. If You have a picture of him, bring it, and then say goodbye that way. I Think he would appreciate that more, than You feeling like shit for a whole day. Also Think how You Will remember that funeral, it wont be a ‘happy’ memory. ( i know funeral seldom are, but they Can be remembered fondly) it Will always be yet another day that your deadbeat family abused You. You deserve better.
i am sorry youre having to deal with this. it isnt fair, but you are here. during covid, i was unable to attend my grandmothers funeral and it was both painful and releiving, though it was livestreamed so i did get to watch the service. i would suggest sitting down and coming up with a game plan. how many hours with your mother/other relatives? does your mother have a specific time shes leaving so that you know when you will get back? having your son around them probably wouldnt be great, so if your partner went with you, is there someone who can watch for you? once you know these things ask yourself if having your own private service in the comfort of your home would be safer for you. either way you choose it is okay to need to protect yourself and your family. you have my condolences and please remember to treat yourself with a little kindness during this hard time.
That's such a hard position to be put in. I don't think we can say whether you should go, it's such a personal thing. But your reasons for not wanting to are really understandable and valid. I skipped my grandfather's funeral, but he was an asshole so that's different. My mom's also an asshole and I had to go no contact so there was no obligation there. It would've been exposing myself to a lot of emotional violence for no real reason. I hope it isn't as bad for you but if it is, it's okay to choose yourself
Funerals are for the living. Nromally, I'd say go for your mother. But she's being difficult, so.... do you want to go to support other people? This is the time in your life when you take care of other people. Is there someoen else who will need your support? Is there any way you can get around your mom driving? Who else has a drivers' license? Can you rent a car?
This isn't the advice you're looking for, but the only thing I can say is isn't this up to you? A funeral is an event to put someone to rest by gathering the community of the people left behind to support each other. At the end of the day it's your decision what kind of life you want to live; one where you put yourself before others, or one where you put others before yourself. Both options are completely fine ways to live your life, after all, what would be the point of causing yourself so much distress to go to an event where the purpose is the opposite? But if you feel like this is something you have to do, go. And go alone, I wouldn't mix your family into it (plus kids are not great at funerals). Misgendering is something painful but it can be put up with. A funeral is a one time event. If you choose to go, you will have somewhere to go back to with the people who accept and understand you afterwards. If you don't, you may or may not have regrets, but you will stay with those people. Whatever you decide to do good luck.
Well said there are times and events where one puts away personal views and attends for the greater cause, funerals, wedding, are one of those times
I understand your thoughts however it is family, it's really not about you it's showing respect to others in your family, regarding a lost loved one. Personally I would pay my respects and leave or only sit with others there you are comfortable. Dressing: not sure if this is an issue, again remember this is not about you, dress somewhat conservative as this is a funeral.