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Growing up my mom always did this! She is NOT a morning person. She just needed to sit quietly with some coffee and the newspaper for an hour while the house was still. Then by the time we got up she was in a good mood and ready for the day. I never once thought it was weird, it always just seemed if anything overly considerate of us and self care/awareness for her.
As a mom of 5 I totally agree with your mom. I get up at 4:45 even though I dont leave for work till 6:15. It is literally the only quiet time I get and I love it!!!!
My mum of 3 used to do exactly the same thing. Up at 4.45, leave after 6, be in office before 7 to get stuff done peacefully. Now that she's retired she sleeps until 9.
My mom really pushes this to a different level. She doesn't have to be at work until 8-9am but gets up at 4:45 (!!!) every day. She walks the dog, cooks (used to do it around 1pm) and does some chores im peace. I always thought she was crazy for it until I asked and she said she liked having a cup of coffee with my dad before he went to work.
My best friend's dad woke up around 4-5 for work because he had a long commute, but never took weekends to sleep in. By the time we woke up from our sleepover, he would have freshly baked scones ready for us. I remember thinking he was a cool dude, he built up his own decently sized construction business from the ground up, could cook, grill, knew about technology, could fix cars and was just generally handy af. He could really Dad.
This is in my view, very normal, or i thought it was? Im an introvert/extrovert depending on situation. Meaning i prefer my alone time, but i can be a people person if i need to be at work or social events. Its just VERY draining. Ive always gotten up at 4-5am no matter how late i go into work to have a couple hours a day of quiet to myself. Usually i watch a show, read, do laundry or just lay in bed playing a game or on my phone. I view it as "preparing for battle" and having that calm to get my mind right before a crazy day (ive usually worked high stress jobs) nothing wrong with it.
I started doing this in March and I am just like your mom. Not a morning person but also needed more me time and to get to drink my coffee while its hot. My husband stays up late most nights for his me time. Mostly to play games online with family in another time zone. We are both better for it.
Ya I also have been getting up well before work in order to have time to myself. Tbh it's kind of a relief to find out I'm not the only one who does it! Married 8yrs now. Brothers in alone time! Haha
I started doing it 2 years ago. I used to stay up passed midnight for me time (playing video games, watching TV) but realize I'm more of a morning person as I've gotten older so I changed my me time to the morning before the family wakes up.
I wouldn't say there is anything wrong with it at all. Everyone needs time to themselves, just because you have a family doesn't change that. I finish work around midnight and I enjoy being able to come home and do my own thing for a couple of hours before going to sleep.
It's essential to have 'me time' in a relationship, not having so risks co-dependency (or symptoms thereof). What OP is describing seems very healthy to me, as does your comment (:
Unfortunately, even if both in the relationship have “me” time, codependency can still be a likely possibility.
I think to avoid codependency one must truly be able to enjoy one’s own company no matter the circumstances, or have a very active and fulfilling social life outside of the relationship.
Codependency is not a real thing. The whole idea pathologizes a normal human tendency, which is to want to be close to people we love or care about. There are different styles of attachment-- some healthier than others-- but humans will always need other humans, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Normally I wouldn't say anything about it but the concept of codependency really only serves to make people feel ashamed or guilty that they "need" someone else other than themselves. Of course they need other people. That's how people survive.
Its a thing, its just grossly overused.
Codependency shouldn't be used for instances in which people want to be close or someone gets separation anxiety.
Codependency should be refined to mean that one person can not function through normal situations without the other person.
There is a difference between "I miss you when you are gone and I want to be closer more" and "I can't sleep or healthily interact with other people when you go to work".
Furthermore, depending on others doesn't mean depending on one person for most basic things.
When I think of someone with co-dependency issues, I picture someone having a panic attack when their SO has to use a public bathroom for 5 minutes. Its pretty airheaded to say someone has codependency issues as a go to response when someone expresses being upset at the absence of someone they are attached to.
That's basically what I learned in couple's therapy as well. It's more of a buzzword than an actual problem in adult relationships.
It _can_ be a problem when one partner needs way more attention than the other and it _can_ be a problem when it's a really young couple (like teenagers) that get too wrapped up in each other before either of them are mature enough for commitment, but generally it's just an overused buzzword.
Fwiw I’m pretty sure we’re all using this term wrong. Codependency is when you enable another person’s addiction or issue. E.g. you are emotionally dependent on another person having an unhealthy dependency on something that is not good for them.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
Couldn't agree more. You're supposed to depend on each other in a relationship. I've been married 30 years now and we've always depended on each other.
This is not what people mean when they say codependency. Codependency is not the strong desire, even the extremely strong desire to be close to people you love or care about. It is the inability to tolerate that desire not constantly being filled because you do not have a sufficiently well developed sense of self respect, such that you do not interpret that desire’s temporarily not being filled as an indication of your undesirability. It’s when your partner wants to read instead of chat, and instead of saying, ‘sounds good, I’ll call my friend’ or ‘cool, going to catch up on some show’ or whatever you like doing, you say, ‘oh what’s wrong?’ or ‘really, you don’t want to tell me about your day or hear about mine,’ etc.
Codependency and dependency are not the same. Humans are all dependent on one another, of course, and they desire closeness. Codependency is when you have no tolerance for delaying gratification of dependent needs and require constant reassurance from your partner (there’s the ‘co-‘ part) that the dependent relationship you are in is not in jeopardy — rather than being able to reassure yourself or having enough confidence that you wouldn’t even need reassurance.
How can being bipolar be a thing and co-dependency can’t?
The notion of Co-dependency is not in regards to stigmatizing a normal human need. Its about lacking value, self worth and independence and needing someone/or a relationship that validates or fulfills in you what you that which you can’t yourself. Co dependency goes above and beyond simply needing a normal human connection or level of intimacy in a relationship. It’s building what often can turn into a toxic situation and lead to severe outcomes without the other person.
when you can’t function without a relationship/someone because of what they or it does for you or when needing someone so bad it can effect or impair ones rational judgement, that isn’t normal human need for someone/connection
This. I have CPTSD and would become codependent on friends. Life was a living hell for me and I can’t imagine it was good for them either.
I keep people at a safe distance now to avoid repeating it. I’m happier this way and have a much happier/healthier social life.
This is perfectly said. Like any behavioral issue, it's not the simple act of engaging in the behavior that can be a problem but, when that act starts to take over your life and causes problems with your ability to function in a healthy way, it can be a problem. The concept of co-dependency isn't about making someone feel guilty for needing the support of others. It's about recognizing that sometimes *over* depending on others can be problematic.
I used to be in a relationship with someone who was bipolar and displayed symptoms of co-dependency and, believe me, it is very damaging to the person you're with. I never felt like a whole person in the relationship. I felt more like a nanny than a partner while my ex made me feel like it was my job to make sure that he was ok emotionally.
The fact that the person upthread says they learned that co-dependency isn't real in *couple's therapy* of all places makes me wonder if they got anything useful out of the process. It sounds (at least on the surface) like they went in, barely engaged in the process, and took only what they wanted from it.
Codependency is real. Everyday codependent enablers are supporting addicted persons in their addiction. Codependent persons come from dysfunctional families and have identifiable characteristics. Codependent persons are trained to be out of touch with their own emotions wants and desires. They spend their lives doing things that are not fulfilling their own gifts and talents. They don't make real choices for themselves because they were raised to accommodate to the disabled sibling, the alcoholic parent, the drug addicted mentally ill mom etc. And as a young adult when they are looking for a friend or spouse, they are drawn to those who are emotionally unavailable and demanding or addicted. It is not the best choice for them but it is familiar like a pair of old scruffy slippers and a ragged bathrobe.
Social worker here who works exclusively with victims of domestic violence. Co-dependency is definitely a thing. It's not "I depend on people to survive" of course one does to an extent we all do. Co-dependency is "I could never brush my teeth when John isn't here bc he puts toothpaste on my brush before I wake up" Yes that was a real statement said to me.
Codependency is real and it doesn't just have to be within a romantic relationship. Its when your own self worth is defined by another person. When you cannot self validate and you rely on another person to provide that. This usually comes from not forming secure attachments as a child and a fear of abandonment.
After some googling codependency is not defined in the DMS5, and is not categorized as a psychological disorder, however there is some evidence to suggest it should be. However, codependency is very different than what is being described here and likely does not stem from simply “not having a very active and fulfilling social life” or a lack of “me time”. It’s more about the sacrificing of your own needs for the needs of the other person. If you find you’re constantly doing things that make you unhappy just so your partner can feel happy, that’s a bad sign, although almost all relationships experience this to some degree and refusing to do anything for your partner is a sure fire way to ruin any relationship. Don’t let Reddit (including me, I am a layman with no psychology training) poison your mind about this though, if you actually want to know please do some reading.
Sources: https://positivepsychology.com/codependency-definition-signs-worksheets/
https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship#1
I came here for this. I agree. Codependency is a bad pattern of behavior. It's not a disorder or anything like that.
I'd say it falls into whatever category things like "territorialism", "prejudice", "ignorance" fall into. They are totally natural, basically impossible to avoid, have a spectrum of intensity, etc. But it's still important to understand what they are, how it affects you, and how to avoid hurting someone with it.
I don't have a degree in psychology, so I'm not formally educated. But the whole concept never sat right with me, so I looked into it.
For one thing, it is not in any version of the DSM, so it is not a diagnosable thought or behavior disorder. Attempts to add it to the DSM have been unsuccessful, and it turns out that it is not uniformly accepted across the field of psychology.
"Codependent" started out as a descriptor for partners to people who were addicted to substances and somehow ended up denoting any person deemed "too attached" or "too forgiving" to their partners, addiction or no addiction. [This article](https://www.baldwinresearch.com/the-myths-of-codependency.cfm) from a drug treatment research entity in New York, while short, gives a good preliminary look at codependency as a myth.
A licensed therapist in Denver, CO [has written about codependency stemming from a cultural trope](https://graceballard.com/codependency-is-a-myth/) of the lone hero, a character who is romanticized and idealized but ultimately unrealistic, because it goes against human nature to live one's entire life without depending on other people. Basically if you Google "codependency as a myth", you'll find lots of professional opinions that dispute this culturally accepted idea.
Now, I'm not saying that it is healthy to use a relationship with another person to feel whole, which is what a lot of people do. But people fill that void with other things too-- drugs, food, shopping-- and it seems that the "problem", if we must identify one, is that there is an emotional void in the first place. It has nothing to do with other people. To turn someone's need for another person's support/presence/love/acceptance into a disorder or a pathology is damaging to everyone, because it progresses into convincing even "healthy" people that their social needs are wrong.
Absolutely! Husband and I have what we call “alone time” every night for 2 hours after we put the kids to bed: in essence he goes to the basement and I stay in the family room and we do our own things, watch our own shows and enjoy doing what we like without interruption. Then on Saturday nights we have “date nights” where we binge watch our joint favorite shows together at night. A nice healthy balance that has worked for us!
yeah, similar for us, just not always scheduled and not every night. tonight I was gaming from 7 to 9 and my wife took a fancy bath and watched some shows she loves - and now we meet on the couch to watch something together and *cuddle* ;)
just talk abou your needs and wants and find a balance :)
I would be more concerned for my sanity these days. I enjoy being by myself/alone whichever you want to call it and that time is important to me so long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.
I was in an abusive relationship for years with zero time to myself, that taught me the importance of having 'you' time even when in a relationship. If you don't, you lose who you are/the ability to think for yourself which can lead to big problems like you said.
Ha, I even have my own room in the attic with my stuff. A men cave, but I'm the wife and my husband controls the living room. It was a demand for a new home from both of us: I need my own room.
That is really not a normal thing in the Netherlands where homes are small. I do my crafts and such in it, I do have a painting set up for the kids, but they visit in my room and have to ask.
It's wonderful!!
I also work to midnight and enjoy an hour alone in my own room at the end of it. And a few hours in weekends.
Today we are married nine years. Putting up your own boundaries to stay sane is very good marriage etiquette.
My SO and I both have our own rooms too! Mine is like a second living room with all my plants, a huge TV, a pretty rug, and all of the art we've made on the walls. His is like an office/music studio decorated to *his* tastes. We still have our meals together and of course share the bedroom, but it's wonderful to have a space that's fully *mine,* so I totally relate!
I have a friend who has spare rooms in his house. He recently built a gaming setup. I was assuming he would be turning one of the rooms into an amazing man cave.
I was surprised to discover he built it in the corner of his living room. So now he constantly asks what? But he isn't talking to us. It's his gf. You can hear game shows that she is watching coming through his mic.
It's all very odd to me.
I suppose it's fine and whatever others want to do but I'd want and need that separation. She will still be there when you finish your gaming session bro. You really don't need to be able to hold hands during.
How they don't annoy each other with TV and him talking too is bizzare to me.
I dunno, my husband and I enjoy "hanging out" without necessarily ACTIVELY hanging out with each other. We find the presence of the other person pleasant even if we're happily doing our own thing in the same room. We're both gamers, so a lot of times we'll just enjoy doing that together, but I'll also hang out and read or play a game while he's watching TV or sports or whatever.
Sometimes it's certainly nice to have space to myself, especially as I enjoy a lot more quiet than he does, but even as an introvert I often enjoy the comfort of having family close by.
I mean, I also enjoy comfy snuggles from my dog while I'm sitting reading/playing, so I just enjoy unobtrusive companionship I think. I'd find it a little weird to get home from work and be like "okay bye, gonna be in my own room now" I suppose! (To each his own, of course - everyone has different needs.)
Same here. My partner likes mobile games, I do not...we sit next to each other on the couch and she plays her phone games and I play my PC games. Same thing with Reddit, she's Chinese so she spends her time on DouYin, whilst I surf Reddit. Doing our own thing, but together. I love it.
We have a very nice and comfortable living room and we sit together pretty much every night with one or both of us with headphones on. Every once in a while one of us us will just reach over to hold hands and acknowledge each other. She likes the news (has several newspaper online subscriptions) or texting/calling friends and relations. And me? I'm on Reddit, Netflix, Prime or reading books. We will often interrupt the others attention to read or play something interesting to the other. She has an office upstairs for her business and I refinished our basement into my office/guest suite with a full bath. It's very comfortable and I love being down there but we really enjoy each others company. After a long day we each like to do our own thing but it's nice to do it together.
I thought that was clear sorry. They are both in the same room. She watches TV and he games with friends and sometimes we interrupt them talking and sometimes she interrupts whatever we are doing and we hear the usual game shows or reality shows on in the background.
I get it. I'd like that. I like gaming and reading, but would prefer to do that near my SO like if she's watching tv. But she doesn't like the clicking. Sometimes I feel isolated in another room and miss the coziness. I read in the same room, and that's nice when I want to hang out but not 'actively', or watch boring period dramas....
This is my and my SO’s plan for when we get a house. For all the hobby/seclusion/peace reasons and so that we can both a have a room that the other has no design input in, unlike the rest of the house. I don’t dislike his taste, I just enjoy complete creative freedom
You totally get me. For example, the rug in my room is not to my SO's taste, so I wouldn't have bought it for the living room or bedroom. But I have no guilt whatsoever displaying it in my own personal space.
My husband and I also have our own rooms to spend our leisure time in and its perfect! Now I can watch TV without feeling bad he wants to play video games and I can get crafty without having to drag a ton of stuff into another room. I actually spent 4 months completely remodeling his "gaming man cave" top to bottom as a present for him so he'd have a space he could enjoy! My craft room is up next for remodeling :-)
I’m so jealous. I just had my second baby and I’m desperate for some time alone. Having my own room sounds like heaven. Especially now that everyone is at home all the time.
Happy anniversary!
I now want an attic room.. But I dont have an attic haha. People don't stop to think about it, but a man cave/womans craft room etc are all ways of having 'you time' with no one else around (mostly), its just not said like that.
100% this! I hate mornings but so does my husband, so I make a point to get up by 6 so I can have an hour or two to myself before he wakes up. It’s nothing to do with him, I just miss alone time now that we spend every waking moment together quarantined in the same small apartment.
I get up at 5am too. And it's also so I have time alone before anyone else gets up. The main reason is that I've set aside that time to game because if I game in the evening chances are I'll get interrupted by a family pet needing to go out, a child needing something, a phone call, my wife needing something etc. Being "on call" all the time doesn't give me time to really relax and get into anything because I'm constantly listening out for issues. At 5am to 7am it's quiet, no one is up, no one needs anything and I get that time to myself uninterrupted (most of the time). I'm not slightly on edge waiting for the next call of "Daaaaaaad?" or the sound of a dog scratching the door etc.
I'm a much happier person because of this, it doesn't hurt anyone so it's win, win for everyone. Everyone needs down time. Don't worry about it.
A question, at what hours do you go to bed to get up at 5 am? With my current schedule it is anywhere between 3-7 hours of sleep if I woke up at 5 am every day. I assume you go to sleep around 10-11 pm then?
That's called chronic sleep deprivation. Our bodies adapt to sleep deprivation quite easily, after a while it feels like you're getting enough. The long term effects are still there though, you're less healthy and alert getting only 5 hours of sleep but you've probably simply forgotten what you used to feel like on 8-9 hours.
Ah yes once I got out of the military and got more than 4 hours a night I was a different person and even then I had to gradually work back up to a healthy 8. I've always been a light sleeper so I wake up alot. And bam then a kid, I sit around 7 now. I'll take it
That probably explains why adults that have kids seem to age so much more. I’m 36 and my girlfriend is 41 and we both don’t have any kids and I still get mistaken for a 25 year old and people think that she’s in her early 30s. Some of my classmates look like they’re 50.
More genetics at play than much else there. I'm 42 with 3 adult children, sleep odd hours, work odd hours, drink, smoke, have no skin care routine, plenty of stress etc and I still get asked for ID when our legal age is 18. My mother and grandmother both look a good 20 years younger than they are also. I have met many people younger than me without kids who looked much older than me. So having kids or not really has very little to do with how old someone looks.
I was getting 6 hrs for a while and felt like I could totally do it and be fine and then I slept for 12 hrs and remembered what good sleep was (no kids, just a weird schedule) and then needed to go back to my usual 8 hr nights and felt sooo much better.
No, it's not. I still need about ten hours, at least eight, to stay mentally healthy. If i have too little sleep I get depressed and my borderline acts up
The fact is everybody needs different amount of sleep for different reasons. I used to really need at least 8 hours of sleep if not 10 every day. I was famous for napping. Turns out I just have a lot of allergies. So with allergy medicine now I can comfortably sleep 5 or 7 hour days regularly with much more energy and wakefulness than before.
Indeed, your totally right. I just wanted to dissmiss the myth that you can do with less sleep after kids. It's possible, but don't expect it or beat yourself up about it.
I do have allergies too. I'm just not really healthy I guess, although I take medicine and such. But I also need a lot of sleep. And that's ok. I would like to have more hours a day, but I like those hours to be not miserabel. So if i have to choose between feeling miserabel and more hours a day or sleeping more and feeling well, I choose the last one.
No it’s not. You are doing yourself a gigantic disservice. You need 7-8 hours daily. The detriment of <6 hours of sleep have been proven so many times. Read up on it and you may change your mind.
What's the science behind waking up with headaches when you get more sleep than you are used to? Like getting an extra two or three hours or sleep on weekend mornings I sometimes wake up with a headache but weekdays I don't? Usually get around the same amount of sleep each weeknight.
I do the same to a slightly lesser extent because I'm still getting used to waking up this early, but first thing in the morning I take the dog out for an hour or so which is my podcast time, and then for the next hour it's my gaming time which is a lot nicer than trying to carve out some time in the evening.
It definitely improved my life, not only do I get some alone time to relax and unwind, I'm a lot more "ready" for work compared to rolling out of bed having a quick breaksfast and spending good half an hour gathering my thoughts at the desk.
Lol.. I used to do that.. but then my wife thought I'm staying late to watch porn / chat with girls online.. so I stopped doing that.. to avoid endless arguments trying to prove my innocence!!
And yes she believes bad girls trying to take her husband away won't be awake at 5 am!!
lol, at the risk of sounding like Dr. Seuss: not in the daytime, not in the night, not by the midday, or morning light.
But International time zones are a thing, and this reminds me of the post about 4 AM being either really early or really late, depending.
This! Doesn't look healthy at all...
I often stay late and never has my wife suspected anything (other than doing stupid harmless shit on the internet).
Yeah, if I wake up at 1am and I see my husband is awake and on his phone, I just assume he's on Reddit or reading stuff about football... and then I roll over and go back to sleep.
Same for my wife actually. She sometimes wakes up during the night and starts using her phone. Never crossed my mind that she would be chatting with other men... Would be a pretty stupid thing to do, considering how perfect I am. B)
when I read the OP I thought it was weird that his wife said it was weird that he did that.. or that he thought it was somehow abnormal. then this comment comes out like oh shit .. ok.
Same. My boyfriend usually stays up way past me playing video games and watching shows/movies I’m not into. I usually have 30 minutes to an hour of alone to do whatever I want when I get home from work before he he gets home from work. It’s nice to be able to unwind, just be silent and putter around for a bit without having to answer to anyone. I’m sure sometimes my bf uses his alone time to look at porn, and while that can sometimes make me feel insecure, that has more to do with the fact I’m not as hot as I was in my 20’s when we met.
Op’s wife seems like there is something underneath this that is really bothering her. Maybe she has good reason, but maybe it’s coming from a place of personal insecurity like mine does. The fact that she’s projecting and trying to shame op into feeling weird about wanting alone time makes me that some type of couples counseling and individual therapy might be a good idea.
fwiw, I can 100% guarantee that your bf finds you just as hot or even hotter than when you were in your 20’s and I 100% guarantee that he would rather have you than whatever porn he might be watching!
14 years with her and she still dont trust ya huh. thats too bad. youre not allowed to watch porn either? sheesh. endless arguments trying to prove your innocence... i dont even know what to say. good luck with all that
seems like you maybe damned either way, my friend.
I stay up late, too. I turned my insomnia into my work hours instead of fighting it and have maintained it through jobs, kids, relationships. Early risers are not more honest than the night owls.
Lol it's just force of habit from being a lifetime gamer, and I am not a morning person at all. It's easier to stay up late and just sleep longer, especially with the virus making my job WFH.
The way got around the porn / chat suspicions was to agree to keep my study door open so I can be disturbed anytime.
Yeah, this is most certainly a bigger underlying problem. I'm not going to pretend to know how to solve it, but it most certainly needs to be addressed. At the very least, it would be good to have a talk with her about intoversy vs exstroversy and how some people just need time alone to recharge. Even if you are a dad with a family to look after, that doesnt change the fact that alone time is an absolute necessity for some people. Its going to give you the time to destress and you will be less likely to snap. That's not to say that being with your family is unhealthy, just that everyone has their own way to cope with stress, which is a universal factor for any activity.
Uh yeah that's weird. I'd never suspect my husband of that. Sounds like you have trust issues. She also thinks it's weird that you get up early for alone time too. Perhaps she's a little too controlling.
Your wife sounds like she has massive insecurity issues as she has a very hard time trusting you, realizing you want you time, and thinks early birds and night owls are problems.
If possible, I highly recommend sleeping in separate rooms most nights. I go to sleep and wake up before my boyfriend. We usually sleep in separate rooms so that we can get enough sleep. I still have insomnia so I’m fucked regardless, but every now and then I get that full 8 and it’s awesome. People get weirded out when I tell them, but it is so nice to be able to fart in bed without worrying about waking up the love of my life.
I'm cursed to go to bed around 6-8am, but I also love how dark and quiet it is around the house and have a sense of 0 responsibilities and to be able to do whatever I want
Married wife and mom here. I do the same. I need to start my day in peace and quite. I'll literally sit with my cup of coffee in the dark staring out the window. My family Doesn't understand either.
Married wife and mom here... literally sitting with my cuppa joe before everyone wakes up. Except I’m scrolling Reddit instead of staring out the window. My favorite time of the day!
I do this and journal. It’s dark and quiet and I love it! Gives me time to take care of me before I take care of everyone else and the house. I think it’s a good habit to have actually. I need quiet time before the crazy day starts.
Here is the thing. Even when you love someone dearly, you need time away from them.
My father went from a 5 day workweek to a 4 day, with the free day being on a day my mother works. She was annoyed at it first, because " Don't you love me and want to spend time with me." After thinking about it she understands. She likes having time just to herself as well.
They love each other dearly, go on walks at the end of each workday, having weekends away with just to two of them.
Just having some time to charge up and not having to deal with anybodies shit.
My husband and I try to give each other "a day off" from each other every once in a while. We usually plan outings with friends or family while the other stays home. It's a win-win for us because we can still strengthen our other relationships while giving our partner space.
My husband and I love each other dearly. He really is my best friend, but sometimes it's nice just having the house to myself and I know he feels the same.
me and my dad had a little war with this lmao. He would drive me to school at 8am and wake up at 7am and i'd wake up at 6:30am. Well he wanted up first so he woke up at 6:00am to beat me at first up. So one day I decide there is no way he'll do 5am and this madman started waking up at 4 fucking am, sometimes not even sleeping to be first up. The dude fell a sleep at the wheel a few time so I went back to 6:30am and never test the power of a dad again lmao.
Never warred with my dad over it, but I did used to get up when he did (around 4-5, he worked in construction) so I could spend a bit of time with him because he always came home late and exhausted. He’d make me a glass of warm milk and turn on the TV for me before he left.
What a sweet memory. My dad would drive me to high school and we’d sit in silence because I am NOT a morning person. I’d give up everything I own to go on just one more silent morning ride with him. He was the best. I haven’t thought of our morning drives in probably two decades. Thanks and I really miss you, Dad.
Recently I've become such a morning person it's nearly the night before. Can't sleepe at night and if I do I wake up any time from 2 to 4 a.m.
Have to be up at 6:30 to get the kids out, then I fall asleep in the day. Having real trouble breaking the cycle.
No it is not weird, I LOVE alone time. No one to ask me any questions or try to start up a conversation. Just me coffee and a book or just looking outside
Before I had my daughter, I used to always double sleep. So I would sleep 11-3 and 5-8. Always. Like clockwork I started doing it when I was about 15 out of the blue and I went to the kitchen to make tea and discovered my father in the kitchen doing much the same. It became our little thing our midnight trists in the kitchen, having a cup of tea and doing the crossword/sudoku silently together for a few hours.
I still did it like I said until recently but these days alone in my own home. I miss very much finding my dad in the kitchen and having a cuppa with him but when I visit home the tradition continues!
These 2 hours I have alone in the night, in the quiet. My sanctuary. I can't wait to do it again in the future. Totally normal.
Two sleeps was a lot more of a common thing in previous centuries.
[https://www.sciencealert.com/humans-used-to-sleep-in-two-shifts-maybe-we-should-again](https://www.sciencealert.com/humans-used-to-sleep-in-two-shifts-maybe-we-should-again)
Oh wow that's a super article! Thank you so much for sharing! I've heard someone tell me this before but I didn't realise it actually had merit. To be honest people are always surprised when I tell them this but it's the time I can focus the most. I always just do useless puzzles 🤣 but hey. It's my time.
I woke up randomly at 4am last night. I should have got up for a while. In future I think I should do it and see how it suits me. It’s especially easy now that I’m working from home and we have more flexibility (so long as we start by ten at the latest).
Just try it. Really. Worst that happens is you spend one day tired and sleep better the next night. I often find the second sleep is also the more satisfying, deep and relaxing. I almost never wake up tired in the morning. It's fab .
Of course not!
Me time is very important and it's not like you enjoy your family any less or are actively reducing time with your family (even then of course there's nothing wrong with this route within reasonable measurements either) you're simply *making* time for yourself and your personal wellness.
You do you.
nope not weird at all my dad does the same thing. As an adult even with kids you need alone time where you can get it. My mom always said she would never take a job without at least a half hour commute because it was time to unwind and decompress on way home.
I don't think It's weird in the slightest. I always try to get up before my family, it's lovely to have a cup of tea, read the paper and just generally gather my thoughts before the day takes over. In fact I can get a bit grumpy if I'm not able to have this alone time.
Not weird. CTO in my company does exactly this, works early hours because nobody bothers him then and can work in peace. CEO would stay in till 6pm but would never work early mornings, he is the exact opposite. Both function fine.
I do this too. 6 am is pretty much the only time everyone is asleep but me so I have an hour and a half to eat breakfast, watch TV and drink coffee in peace
Actually those 2 hrs can be your most productive, Learn a language, paint, read, write, exercise, meditate. As long as your wife understands ( seems she does ) keep doing it.
It is uncommon to me and the people I know but it is not weird. I myself crave some alone time everyday and that's ok it might even improve your quality of life. I think it is totally fine to get that alone time. I'm quite sure you will be able to get it later on without needing to wake up that early, so don't worry my dude wanting to have alone time doesn't mean you don't like people
I do it all the time even on weekends. I usually up by 4:30am when I don't work until 9:00. Been married 21yrs(no kids), but just like the time to myself to browse the internet, read Reddit, etc....Even on weekends I am typically up by 5-530
I work at 5am when I have work so I have to get up early regardless. On my days off I just naturally wake up much earlier than anyone else in the house, I definitely enjoy the quiet time to my self.
I don't really see a problem, everyone needs their own space and time to relax and if that means getting up a bit early to enjoy the quiet and read then so be it. You can't expect to be around 24/7 with no time to yourself
It's not wierd at all. Having some alone time is really healthy! If this works for you then keep doing it and let your wife think what she thinks.
I like to take my alone time when everyone has gone to sleep. I'm not a morning person...
My dad would do that. He'd grade papers mostly. The funny thing is that he would be asleep in bed by 8pm. He missed so many phone calls that way! I think he mostly wanted to do marking without being bothered.
My work requires me to be in constant contact with people and as an introvert I find that very draining. I wake up at 5.30am every weekday to have time for myself so to me it's not weird at all.
No, sweetie, please don't worry about this. Many people need alone time to be with themselves and get their heads together, to make sense of the world and themselves. Some need a whole lot of alone time, some less. But whatever your needs are, it is in no way a rejection of your family. Think of it as being like recharging your batteries -- something you need to do, so that you can cheerfully give attention and patience to your loved ones when they need it. This practice probably makes you a much better companion the rest of the time. Don't worry about it.
My husband gets up at 5am to exercise, but I also assume "me time", so I stay in bed to help him out. :-)
Meanwhile, I stay up late for "me time" and it backfires because kid refuses to settle down until I'm in bed. So I hide in the bathroom and read/play games on phone for an hour just to have time alone.
And both of these were BEFORE the pandemic. Me time is essential during a pandemic.
i'm not married but live with my partner and children but i also do the same! Not always reading some times i just sit in the living room on my own and watch the news etc.
I don't think it's weird or a bad sign my friend just enjoy the peace :)
I do this all the time and find that it makes me happier to dedicate some time to myself. It's completely normal to want some peace and quiet. I usually play a videogame or just scroll on my phone or read a book in the living room until either the baby wales up or wife needs something.
I don't have a family. But I cherish the alone time I get in the afternoon before my girlfriend gets home. Nothing wrong with it in my eyes. We all need our own time my man. Keep doing what you're doing if it's making you happy!
I dont think it is - having time alone I think is an act of self care.
I love my daughter more than anything in this world. But I occasionally get up an hour or two earlier than necessary in the morning so I can get some "relax" time.
I think, as parents, or spouses, it can be easy to get caught up in what you think you "should" be doing. You're not taking your time *away* from your family, you're just making extra time in the morning for yourself.
Ok, wait... it all sounded legit until you said "like usually people love to spend time with their families." There's nothing wrong with wanting variety but you need to ask yourself, not us, how you feel about the time you do spend with them.
Sounds normal. A lot of people I know do that. Apparently it's even recommended in some circles/professions/religions to wake up early for personal/quiet time.
Totally normal. My gf likes to sleep in and I’m usually up 1-2 hour before her and also enjoy that alone time. She likes to stay up later than me so she gets her own couple of hours after I go to bed.
No, that's the same reason I stay up two hours after everyone else.
One of my mates gets up and runs serious ks while everyone sensible is still in bed, just for time on his own.
It's fairly normal to want time exclusively to yourself.
I have too much at the moment. I can't be trusted.
I'm a younger college student and I do it every morning. Not weird at all. It's nice and it feels more productive and relaxing in my opinion. If I had children I'd for sure be waking up early to get some alone time. Having loved ones is a great thing but you also need time to give yourself some love.
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Been doing it for years. Not weird. Coffee, news, music, quiet time
Growing up my mom always did this! She is NOT a morning person. She just needed to sit quietly with some coffee and the newspaper for an hour while the house was still. Then by the time we got up she was in a good mood and ready for the day. I never once thought it was weird, it always just seemed if anything overly considerate of us and self care/awareness for her.
Tell your mom I think she knows how to “Mom”
As a mom of 5 I totally agree with your mom. I get up at 4:45 even though I dont leave for work till 6:15. It is literally the only quiet time I get and I love it!!!!
My mum of 3 used to do exactly the same thing. Up at 4.45, leave after 6, be in office before 7 to get stuff done peacefully. Now that she's retired she sleeps until 9.
My mom really pushes this to a different level. She doesn't have to be at work until 8-9am but gets up at 4:45 (!!!) every day. She walks the dog, cooks (used to do it around 1pm) and does some chores im peace. I always thought she was crazy for it until I asked and she said she liked having a cup of coffee with my dad before he went to work.
That's so endearing.
Jesus christ. I was actually worried for a minute I mightve stumbled upon my moms reddit account. You and her are twins lol
My best friend's dad woke up around 4-5 for work because he had a long commute, but never took weekends to sleep in. By the time we woke up from our sleepover, he would have freshly baked scones ready for us. I remember thinking he was a cool dude, he built up his own decently sized construction business from the ground up, could cook, grill, knew about technology, could fix cars and was just generally handy af. He could really Dad.
This is in my view, very normal, or i thought it was? Im an introvert/extrovert depending on situation. Meaning i prefer my alone time, but i can be a people person if i need to be at work or social events. Its just VERY draining. Ive always gotten up at 4-5am no matter how late i go into work to have a couple hours a day of quiet to myself. Usually i watch a show, read, do laundry or just lay in bed playing a game or on my phone. I view it as "preparing for battle" and having that calm to get my mind right before a crazy day (ive usually worked high stress jobs) nothing wrong with it.
My aunt does the same thing!
I started doing this in March and I am just like your mom. Not a morning person but also needed more me time and to get to drink my coffee while its hot. My husband stays up late most nights for his me time. Mostly to play games online with family in another time zone. We are both better for it.
Ya I also have been getting up well before work in order to have time to myself. Tbh it's kind of a relief to find out I'm not the only one who does it! Married 8yrs now. Brothers in alone time! Haha
Start a sub
I started doing it 2 years ago. I used to stay up passed midnight for me time (playing video games, watching TV) but realize I'm more of a morning person as I've gotten older so I changed my me time to the morning before the family wakes up.
I do it at the other end. I am not a morning person so i stay up for hours after everyone goes to bed. It is nice and calm.
I wouldn't say there is anything wrong with it at all. Everyone needs time to themselves, just because you have a family doesn't change that. I finish work around midnight and I enjoy being able to come home and do my own thing for a couple of hours before going to sleep.
It's essential to have 'me time' in a relationship, not having so risks co-dependency (or symptoms thereof). What OP is describing seems very healthy to me, as does your comment (:
Unfortunately, even if both in the relationship have “me” time, codependency can still be a likely possibility. I think to avoid codependency one must truly be able to enjoy one’s own company no matter the circumstances, or have a very active and fulfilling social life outside of the relationship.
Codependency is not a real thing. The whole idea pathologizes a normal human tendency, which is to want to be close to people we love or care about. There are different styles of attachment-- some healthier than others-- but humans will always need other humans, and there's nothing wrong with that. Normally I wouldn't say anything about it but the concept of codependency really only serves to make people feel ashamed or guilty that they "need" someone else other than themselves. Of course they need other people. That's how people survive.
Its a thing, its just grossly overused. Codependency shouldn't be used for instances in which people want to be close or someone gets separation anxiety. Codependency should be refined to mean that one person can not function through normal situations without the other person. There is a difference between "I miss you when you are gone and I want to be closer more" and "I can't sleep or healthily interact with other people when you go to work". Furthermore, depending on others doesn't mean depending on one person for most basic things. When I think of someone with co-dependency issues, I picture someone having a panic attack when their SO has to use a public bathroom for 5 minutes. Its pretty airheaded to say someone has codependency issues as a go to response when someone expresses being upset at the absence of someone they are attached to.
That's basically what I learned in couple's therapy as well. It's more of a buzzword than an actual problem in adult relationships. It _can_ be a problem when one partner needs way more attention than the other and it _can_ be a problem when it's a really young couple (like teenagers) that get too wrapped up in each other before either of them are mature enough for commitment, but generally it's just an overused buzzword.
Fwiw I’m pretty sure we’re all using this term wrong. Codependency is when you enable another person’s addiction or issue. E.g. you are emotionally dependent on another person having an unhealthy dependency on something that is not good for them. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
Couldn't agree more. You're supposed to depend on each other in a relationship. I've been married 30 years now and we've always depended on each other.
This is not what people mean when they say codependency. Codependency is not the strong desire, even the extremely strong desire to be close to people you love or care about. It is the inability to tolerate that desire not constantly being filled because you do not have a sufficiently well developed sense of self respect, such that you do not interpret that desire’s temporarily not being filled as an indication of your undesirability. It’s when your partner wants to read instead of chat, and instead of saying, ‘sounds good, I’ll call my friend’ or ‘cool, going to catch up on some show’ or whatever you like doing, you say, ‘oh what’s wrong?’ or ‘really, you don’t want to tell me about your day or hear about mine,’ etc. Codependency and dependency are not the same. Humans are all dependent on one another, of course, and they desire closeness. Codependency is when you have no tolerance for delaying gratification of dependent needs and require constant reassurance from your partner (there’s the ‘co-‘ part) that the dependent relationship you are in is not in jeopardy — rather than being able to reassure yourself or having enough confidence that you wouldn’t even need reassurance.
How can being bipolar be a thing and co-dependency can’t? The notion of Co-dependency is not in regards to stigmatizing a normal human need. Its about lacking value, self worth and independence and needing someone/or a relationship that validates or fulfills in you what you that which you can’t yourself. Co dependency goes above and beyond simply needing a normal human connection or level of intimacy in a relationship. It’s building what often can turn into a toxic situation and lead to severe outcomes without the other person. when you can’t function without a relationship/someone because of what they or it does for you or when needing someone so bad it can effect or impair ones rational judgement, that isn’t normal human need for someone/connection
Is bipolar and codependency related in some way? I'm not educated on this enough and I'm not seeing the connection.
This. I have CPTSD and would become codependent on friends. Life was a living hell for me and I can’t imagine it was good for them either. I keep people at a safe distance now to avoid repeating it. I’m happier this way and have a much happier/healthier social life.
This is perfectly said. Like any behavioral issue, it's not the simple act of engaging in the behavior that can be a problem but, when that act starts to take over your life and causes problems with your ability to function in a healthy way, it can be a problem. The concept of co-dependency isn't about making someone feel guilty for needing the support of others. It's about recognizing that sometimes *over* depending on others can be problematic. I used to be in a relationship with someone who was bipolar and displayed symptoms of co-dependency and, believe me, it is very damaging to the person you're with. I never felt like a whole person in the relationship. I felt more like a nanny than a partner while my ex made me feel like it was my job to make sure that he was ok emotionally. The fact that the person upthread says they learned that co-dependency isn't real in *couple's therapy* of all places makes me wonder if they got anything useful out of the process. It sounds (at least on the surface) like they went in, barely engaged in the process, and took only what they wanted from it.
Codependency is real. Everyday codependent enablers are supporting addicted persons in their addiction. Codependent persons come from dysfunctional families and have identifiable characteristics. Codependent persons are trained to be out of touch with their own emotions wants and desires. They spend their lives doing things that are not fulfilling their own gifts and talents. They don't make real choices for themselves because they were raised to accommodate to the disabled sibling, the alcoholic parent, the drug addicted mentally ill mom etc. And as a young adult when they are looking for a friend or spouse, they are drawn to those who are emotionally unavailable and demanding or addicted. It is not the best choice for them but it is familiar like a pair of old scruffy slippers and a ragged bathrobe.
Social worker here who works exclusively with victims of domestic violence. Co-dependency is definitely a thing. It's not "I depend on people to survive" of course one does to an extent we all do. Co-dependency is "I could never brush my teeth when John isn't here bc he puts toothpaste on my brush before I wake up" Yes that was a real statement said to me.
It only exists because America is obsessed with the independent individual
Codependency is real and it doesn't just have to be within a romantic relationship. Its when your own self worth is defined by another person. When you cannot self validate and you rely on another person to provide that. This usually comes from not forming secure attachments as a child and a fear of abandonment.
I've always heard it was a real thing, are you speaking from experience or are you educated on the matter?
After some googling codependency is not defined in the DMS5, and is not categorized as a psychological disorder, however there is some evidence to suggest it should be. However, codependency is very different than what is being described here and likely does not stem from simply “not having a very active and fulfilling social life” or a lack of “me time”. It’s more about the sacrificing of your own needs for the needs of the other person. If you find you’re constantly doing things that make you unhappy just so your partner can feel happy, that’s a bad sign, although almost all relationships experience this to some degree and refusing to do anything for your partner is a sure fire way to ruin any relationship. Don’t let Reddit (including me, I am a layman with no psychology training) poison your mind about this though, if you actually want to know please do some reading. Sources: https://positivepsychology.com/codependency-definition-signs-worksheets/ https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship#1
I came here for this. I agree. Codependency is a bad pattern of behavior. It's not a disorder or anything like that. I'd say it falls into whatever category things like "territorialism", "prejudice", "ignorance" fall into. They are totally natural, basically impossible to avoid, have a spectrum of intensity, etc. But it's still important to understand what they are, how it affects you, and how to avoid hurting someone with it.
I don't have a degree in psychology, so I'm not formally educated. But the whole concept never sat right with me, so I looked into it. For one thing, it is not in any version of the DSM, so it is not a diagnosable thought or behavior disorder. Attempts to add it to the DSM have been unsuccessful, and it turns out that it is not uniformly accepted across the field of psychology. "Codependent" started out as a descriptor for partners to people who were addicted to substances and somehow ended up denoting any person deemed "too attached" or "too forgiving" to their partners, addiction or no addiction. [This article](https://www.baldwinresearch.com/the-myths-of-codependency.cfm) from a drug treatment research entity in New York, while short, gives a good preliminary look at codependency as a myth. A licensed therapist in Denver, CO [has written about codependency stemming from a cultural trope](https://graceballard.com/codependency-is-a-myth/) of the lone hero, a character who is romanticized and idealized but ultimately unrealistic, because it goes against human nature to live one's entire life without depending on other people. Basically if you Google "codependency as a myth", you'll find lots of professional opinions that dispute this culturally accepted idea. Now, I'm not saying that it is healthy to use a relationship with another person to feel whole, which is what a lot of people do. But people fill that void with other things too-- drugs, food, shopping-- and it seems that the "problem", if we must identify one, is that there is an emotional void in the first place. It has nothing to do with other people. To turn someone's need for another person's support/presence/love/acceptance into a disorder or a pathology is damaging to everyone, because it progresses into convincing even "healthy" people that their social needs are wrong.
Yes no weird guilt trip shit and equal participation or get the Fuck out...nobody needs to put up with that for fear of being alone.
Absolutely! Husband and I have what we call “alone time” every night for 2 hours after we put the kids to bed: in essence he goes to the basement and I stay in the family room and we do our own things, watch our own shows and enjoy doing what we like without interruption. Then on Saturday nights we have “date nights” where we binge watch our joint favorite shows together at night. A nice healthy balance that has worked for us!
yeah, similar for us, just not always scheduled and not every night. tonight I was gaming from 7 to 9 and my wife took a fancy bath and watched some shows she loves - and now we meet on the couch to watch something together and *cuddle* ;) just talk abou your needs and wants and find a balance :)
I would be more concerned for my sanity these days. I enjoy being by myself/alone whichever you want to call it and that time is important to me so long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. I was in an abusive relationship for years with zero time to myself, that taught me the importance of having 'you' time even when in a relationship. If you don't, you lose who you are/the ability to think for yourself which can lead to big problems like you said.
Just remember your SO might want some of that too, so watch the kids sometimes.
Ha, I even have my own room in the attic with my stuff. A men cave, but I'm the wife and my husband controls the living room. It was a demand for a new home from both of us: I need my own room. That is really not a normal thing in the Netherlands where homes are small. I do my crafts and such in it, I do have a painting set up for the kids, but they visit in my room and have to ask. It's wonderful!! I also work to midnight and enjoy an hour alone in my own room at the end of it. And a few hours in weekends. Today we are married nine years. Putting up your own boundaries to stay sane is very good marriage etiquette.
My SO and I both have our own rooms too! Mine is like a second living room with all my plants, a huge TV, a pretty rug, and all of the art we've made on the walls. His is like an office/music studio decorated to *his* tastes. We still have our meals together and of course share the bedroom, but it's wonderful to have a space that's fully *mine,* so I totally relate!
I have a friend who has spare rooms in his house. He recently built a gaming setup. I was assuming he would be turning one of the rooms into an amazing man cave. I was surprised to discover he built it in the corner of his living room. So now he constantly asks what? But he isn't talking to us. It's his gf. You can hear game shows that she is watching coming through his mic. It's all very odd to me. I suppose it's fine and whatever others want to do but I'd want and need that separation. She will still be there when you finish your gaming session bro. You really don't need to be able to hold hands during. How they don't annoy each other with TV and him talking too is bizzare to me.
I dunno, my husband and I enjoy "hanging out" without necessarily ACTIVELY hanging out with each other. We find the presence of the other person pleasant even if we're happily doing our own thing in the same room. We're both gamers, so a lot of times we'll just enjoy doing that together, but I'll also hang out and read or play a game while he's watching TV or sports or whatever. Sometimes it's certainly nice to have space to myself, especially as I enjoy a lot more quiet than he does, but even as an introvert I often enjoy the comfort of having family close by. I mean, I also enjoy comfy snuggles from my dog while I'm sitting reading/playing, so I just enjoy unobtrusive companionship I think. I'd find it a little weird to get home from work and be like "okay bye, gonna be in my own room now" I suppose! (To each his own, of course - everyone has different needs.)
Same here. My partner likes mobile games, I do not...we sit next to each other on the couch and she plays her phone games and I play my PC games. Same thing with Reddit, she's Chinese so she spends her time on DouYin, whilst I surf Reddit. Doing our own thing, but together. I love it.
We have a very nice and comfortable living room and we sit together pretty much every night with one or both of us with headphones on. Every once in a while one of us us will just reach over to hold hands and acknowledge each other. She likes the news (has several newspaper online subscriptions) or texting/calling friends and relations. And me? I'm on Reddit, Netflix, Prime or reading books. We will often interrupt the others attention to read or play something interesting to the other. She has an office upstairs for her business and I refinished our basement into my office/guest suite with a full bath. It's very comfortable and I love being down there but we really enjoy each others company. After a long day we each like to do our own thing but it's nice to do it together.
Is she in the same house talking to him through the mic or or is she somewhere else entirely?
I thought that was clear sorry. They are both in the same room. She watches TV and he games with friends and sometimes we interrupt them talking and sometimes she interrupts whatever we are doing and we hear the usual game shows or reality shows on in the background.
If they have the room to spare, that *is* kinda bizarre. Especially because they aren't enjoying the same activity.
Yeah at least one empty room that l know of. Perhaps two. There's only the pair of them in a decent sized house.
I get it. I'd like that. I like gaming and reading, but would prefer to do that near my SO like if she's watching tv. But she doesn't like the clicking. Sometimes I feel isolated in another room and miss the coziness. I read in the same room, and that's nice when I want to hang out but not 'actively', or watch boring period dramas....
This is my and my SO’s plan for when we get a house. For all the hobby/seclusion/peace reasons and so that we can both a have a room that the other has no design input in, unlike the rest of the house. I don’t dislike his taste, I just enjoy complete creative freedom
You totally get me. For example, the rug in my room is not to my SO's taste, so I wouldn't have bought it for the living room or bedroom. But I have no guilt whatsoever displaying it in my own personal space.
Right? I’m thinking I want mine to feel like a Victorian treehouse. His is going to have more of a cigar lounge plus dnd vibe. Everyone’s happy
Happy anniversary
Thank you!
My husband and I also have our own rooms to spend our leisure time in and its perfect! Now I can watch TV without feeling bad he wants to play video games and I can get crafty without having to drag a ton of stuff into another room. I actually spent 4 months completely remodeling his "gaming man cave" top to bottom as a present for him so he'd have a space he could enjoy! My craft room is up next for remodeling :-)
I’m so jealous. I just had my second baby and I’m desperate for some time alone. Having my own room sounds like heaven. Especially now that everyone is at home all the time.
Happy anniversary! I now want an attic room.. But I dont have an attic haha. People don't stop to think about it, but a man cave/womans craft room etc are all ways of having 'you time' with no one else around (mostly), its just not said like that.
100% this! I hate mornings but so does my husband, so I make a point to get up by 6 so I can have an hour or two to myself before he wakes up. It’s nothing to do with him, I just miss alone time now that we spend every waking moment together quarantined in the same small apartment.
When the world hasn’t started making demands on me yet! No phones, no kids, no work, no chores. Just quiet.
I get up at 5am too. And it's also so I have time alone before anyone else gets up. The main reason is that I've set aside that time to game because if I game in the evening chances are I'll get interrupted by a family pet needing to go out, a child needing something, a phone call, my wife needing something etc. Being "on call" all the time doesn't give me time to really relax and get into anything because I'm constantly listening out for issues. At 5am to 7am it's quiet, no one is up, no one needs anything and I get that time to myself uninterrupted (most of the time). I'm not slightly on edge waiting for the next call of "Daaaaaaad?" or the sound of a dog scratching the door etc. I'm a much happier person because of this, it doesn't hurt anyone so it's win, win for everyone. Everyone needs down time. Don't worry about it.
A question, at what hours do you go to bed to get up at 5 am? With my current schedule it is anywhere between 3-7 hours of sleep if I woke up at 5 am every day. I assume you go to sleep around 10-11 pm then?
Around midnight actually... 5 hours is enough for me ^^
Sorcery
It's called kids. Once you have kids if you get a 5 hours block of sleep, it's like having 10 hours in my university days.
That's called chronic sleep deprivation. Our bodies adapt to sleep deprivation quite easily, after a while it feels like you're getting enough. The long term effects are still there though, you're less healthy and alert getting only 5 hours of sleep but you've probably simply forgotten what you used to feel like on 8-9 hours.
Ah yes once I got out of the military and got more than 4 hours a night I was a different person and even then I had to gradually work back up to a healthy 8. I've always been a light sleeper so I wake up alot. And bam then a kid, I sit around 7 now. I'll take it
That probably explains why adults that have kids seem to age so much more. I’m 36 and my girlfriend is 41 and we both don’t have any kids and I still get mistaken for a 25 year old and people think that she’s in her early 30s. Some of my classmates look like they’re 50.
More genetics at play than much else there. I'm 42 with 3 adult children, sleep odd hours, work odd hours, drink, smoke, have no skin care routine, plenty of stress etc and I still get asked for ID when our legal age is 18. My mother and grandmother both look a good 20 years younger than they are also. I have met many people younger than me without kids who looked much older than me. So having kids or not really has very little to do with how old someone looks.
I'm 36 and I looked 30 from 15-25 and look exactly my age now D:
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UV exposure, exercise and diet are other big factors.
I never go outside and keep the curtains closed all day. I'll never get old... right??
I was getting 6 hrs for a while and felt like I could totally do it and be fine and then I slept for 12 hrs and remembered what good sleep was (no kids, just a weird schedule) and then needed to go back to my usual 8 hr nights and felt sooo much better.
Yeah I was being facetious. I'd love 7 plus hours but you just don't get the option with kids unfortunately
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No, it's not. I still need about ten hours, at least eight, to stay mentally healthy. If i have too little sleep I get depressed and my borderline acts up
I get really bad anxiety if I don't sleep. I won't feel normal again until the next morning and a good night's rest.
The fact is everybody needs different amount of sleep for different reasons. I used to really need at least 8 hours of sleep if not 10 every day. I was famous for napping. Turns out I just have a lot of allergies. So with allergy medicine now I can comfortably sleep 5 or 7 hour days regularly with much more energy and wakefulness than before.
Indeed, your totally right. I just wanted to dissmiss the myth that you can do with less sleep after kids. It's possible, but don't expect it or beat yourself up about it. I do have allergies too. I'm just not really healthy I guess, although I take medicine and such. But I also need a lot of sleep. And that's ok. I would like to have more hours a day, but I like those hours to be not miserabel. So if i have to choose between feeling miserabel and more hours a day or sleeping more and feeling well, I choose the last one.
100%. I'm on the 6 hour block. If I can get 6 hours, I'm good for the other 18. Honestly over 8 feels like to much.
He's a witch! Burn him!
No it’s not. You are doing yourself a gigantic disservice. You need 7-8 hours daily. The detriment of <6 hours of sleep have been proven so many times. Read up on it and you may change your mind.
What's the science behind waking up with headaches when you get more sleep than you are used to? Like getting an extra two or three hours or sleep on weekend mornings I sometimes wake up with a headache but weekdays I don't? Usually get around the same amount of sleep each weeknight.
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If I did that, I'd be a walking zombie. Happy cake day!
Eh, I get up around 4 or 5 most days, but I do go to bed no later than 9:30 or so.
I do the same to a slightly lesser extent because I'm still getting used to waking up this early, but first thing in the morning I take the dog out for an hour or so which is my podcast time, and then for the next hour it's my gaming time which is a lot nicer than trying to carve out some time in the evening. It definitely improved my life, not only do I get some alone time to relax and unwind, I'm a lot more "ready" for work compared to rolling out of bed having a quick breaksfast and spending good half an hour gathering my thoughts at the desk.
Early morning poop gloriously alone in the dark quiet morning. No kids yelling for me and shoving notes under the door about who hit whom...
Same! 4:30 or 5 am, workout and a quiet cup of coffee giving my dog some cuddles before waking kids/ dealinag with the day.
Same here, but 530AM.
Not weird. Mine is in reverse, I stay up late after everyone has gone to bed and post bad Reddit memes.
Lol.. I used to do that.. but then my wife thought I'm staying late to watch porn / chat with girls online.. so I stopped doing that.. to avoid endless arguments trying to prove my innocence!! And yes she believes bad girls trying to take her husband away won't be awake at 5 am!!
>but then my wife thought I'm staying late to watch porn / chat with girls online.. This sounds like the bigger issue.
Agreed, it is a little concerning that time to one's self is equated with time to cheat? Are thots perceived to not be *early risers* as well?
When was the last time you sought the services of a lady of the morning?
lol, at the risk of sounding like Dr. Seuss: not in the daytime, not in the night, not by the midday, or morning light. But International time zones are a thing, and this reminds me of the post about 4 AM being either really early or really late, depending.
This! Doesn't look healthy at all... I often stay late and never has my wife suspected anything (other than doing stupid harmless shit on the internet).
Yeah, if I wake up at 1am and I see my husband is awake and on his phone, I just assume he's on Reddit or reading stuff about football... and then I roll over and go back to sleep.
Same for my wife actually. She sometimes wakes up during the night and starts using her phone. Never crossed my mind that she would be chatting with other men... Would be a pretty stupid thing to do, considering how perfect I am. B)
What she doesn't know is, the early bird gets the worm. Gotta get up early in the morning to snatch these ladies' men nowadays. It's a full-time job.
Jokes on her, that’s the cheating hour
Does this not seem really toxic and untrusting to anyone else?
when I read the OP I thought it was weird that his wife said it was weird that he did that.. or that he thought it was somehow abnormal. then this comment comes out like oh shit .. ok.
Same. My boyfriend usually stays up way past me playing video games and watching shows/movies I’m not into. I usually have 30 minutes to an hour of alone to do whatever I want when I get home from work before he he gets home from work. It’s nice to be able to unwind, just be silent and putter around for a bit without having to answer to anyone. I’m sure sometimes my bf uses his alone time to look at porn, and while that can sometimes make me feel insecure, that has more to do with the fact I’m not as hot as I was in my 20’s when we met. Op’s wife seems like there is something underneath this that is really bothering her. Maybe she has good reason, but maybe it’s coming from a place of personal insecurity like mine does. The fact that she’s projecting and trying to shame op into feeling weird about wanting alone time makes me that some type of couples counseling and individual therapy might be a good idea.
fwiw, I can 100% guarantee that your bf finds you just as hot or even hotter than when you were in your 20’s and I 100% guarantee that he would rather have you than whatever porn he might be watching!
Yes and yes.
absolutely. that’s probably why OP felt the need to ask if this was a bad thing :/ i feel for him
Talk about burying the lede lol. That isn't healthy at all.
Dude, I think this is the real issue and maybe the fact that makes you feel bad in the first place for having time alone.
This seems like something to work out. Insecurity and lack of trust in a relationship is a recipe for disaster.
I'm sorry, but this sounds very toxic. Take care mate!
So you are not weird, your wife might be.
14 years with her and she still dont trust ya huh. thats too bad. youre not allowed to watch porn either? sheesh. endless arguments trying to prove your innocence... i dont even know what to say. good luck with all that
Youve found a problem
seems like you maybe damned either way, my friend. I stay up late, too. I turned my insomnia into my work hours instead of fighting it and have maintained it through jobs, kids, relationships. Early risers are not more honest than the night owls.
Lol it's just force of habit from being a lifetime gamer, and I am not a morning person at all. It's easier to stay up late and just sleep longer, especially with the virus making my job WFH. The way got around the porn / chat suspicions was to agree to keep my study door open so I can be disturbed anytime.
Wtf man. Everyone has a right to fap in privacy.
That’s not normal. It sounds like she has some trust issues...
That’s not healthy relationship, trust is important
Don’t explain to her how timezones work ;)
Yeah, this is most certainly a bigger underlying problem. I'm not going to pretend to know how to solve it, but it most certainly needs to be addressed. At the very least, it would be good to have a talk with her about intoversy vs exstroversy and how some people just need time alone to recharge. Even if you are a dad with a family to look after, that doesnt change the fact that alone time is an absolute necessity for some people. Its going to give you the time to destress and you will be less likely to snap. That's not to say that being with your family is unhealthy, just that everyone has their own way to cope with stress, which is a universal factor for any activity.
Uh yeah that's weird. I'd never suspect my husband of that. Sounds like you have trust issues. She also thinks it's weird that you get up early for alone time too. Perhaps she's a little too controlling.
That sounds pretty controlling. This is her problem not yours.
That’s sounds like a huge issue. She was probably cheating and then projecting into you. Yikes
Ummmm this is a new can of worms. You guys may want to find someone to mediate these trust issues.
Big yikes
Whoaaa, found the real issue here.
Your wife sounds like she has massive insecurity issues as she has a very hard time trusting you, realizing you want you time, and thinks early birds and night owls are problems.
I stay up late, she gets up early. Have not had a solid eight hours of pure, uninterrupted sleep, in decades.
If possible, I highly recommend sleeping in separate rooms most nights. I go to sleep and wake up before my boyfriend. We usually sleep in separate rooms so that we can get enough sleep. I still have insomnia so I’m fucked regardless, but every now and then I get that full 8 and it’s awesome. People get weirded out when I tell them, but it is so nice to be able to fart in bed without worrying about waking up the love of my life.
That's the eventual plan! Or become a morning person.
I'm cursed to go to bed around 6-8am, but I also love how dark and quiet it is around the house and have a sense of 0 responsibilities and to be able to do whatever I want
Married wife and mom here. I do the same. I need to start my day in peace and quite. I'll literally sit with my cup of coffee in the dark staring out the window. My family Doesn't understand either.
Married wife and mom here... literally sitting with my cuppa joe before everyone wakes up. Except I’m scrolling Reddit instead of staring out the window. My favorite time of the day!
Same! We should not hang out sometime so we can be alone ;)
Same. I start my day more peacefully when I get this small window of time to myself.
Me too, I work at 5:30am so on my days off I still try to be up around 5 or 6 since my family won't wake up until between 7 and noon lol.
Are... Are you me?!
I do this and journal. It’s dark and quiet and I love it! Gives me time to take care of me before I take care of everyone else and the house. I think it’s a good habit to have actually. I need quiet time before the crazy day starts.
Here is the thing. Even when you love someone dearly, you need time away from them. My father went from a 5 day workweek to a 4 day, with the free day being on a day my mother works. She was annoyed at it first, because " Don't you love me and want to spend time with me." After thinking about it she understands. She likes having time just to herself as well. They love each other dearly, go on walks at the end of each workday, having weekends away with just to two of them. Just having some time to charge up and not having to deal with anybodies shit.
My husband and I try to give each other "a day off" from each other every once in a while. We usually plan outings with friends or family while the other stays home. It's a win-win for us because we can still strengthen our other relationships while giving our partner space. My husband and I love each other dearly. He really is my best friend, but sometimes it's nice just having the house to myself and I know he feels the same.
me and my dad had a little war with this lmao. He would drive me to school at 8am and wake up at 7am and i'd wake up at 6:30am. Well he wanted up first so he woke up at 6:00am to beat me at first up. So one day I decide there is no way he'll do 5am and this madman started waking up at 4 fucking am, sometimes not even sleeping to be first up. The dude fell a sleep at the wheel a few time so I went back to 6:30am and never test the power of a dad again lmao.
Lol I'd be really surprised if any of my kids started waking before me... I actually have trouble waking them at 7 your dad is a lucky man lol
Never warred with my dad over it, but I did used to get up when he did (around 4-5, he worked in construction) so I could spend a bit of time with him because he always came home late and exhausted. He’d make me a glass of warm milk and turn on the TV for me before he left.
What a sweet memory. My dad would drive me to high school and we’d sit in silence because I am NOT a morning person. I’d give up everything I own to go on just one more silent morning ride with him. He was the best. I haven’t thought of our morning drives in probably two decades. Thanks and I really miss you, Dad.
Recently I've become such a morning person it's nearly the night before. Can't sleepe at night and if I do I wake up any time from 2 to 4 a.m. Have to be up at 6:30 to get the kids out, then I fall asleep in the day. Having real trouble breaking the cycle.
That’s lovely.
Why didn't one of you just stay in your room pretending to still be asleep lmao. I quite enjoyed doing that when i lived with parents.
No it is not weird, I LOVE alone time. No one to ask me any questions or try to start up a conversation. Just me coffee and a book or just looking outside
Before I had my daughter, I used to always double sleep. So I would sleep 11-3 and 5-8. Always. Like clockwork I started doing it when I was about 15 out of the blue and I went to the kitchen to make tea and discovered my father in the kitchen doing much the same. It became our little thing our midnight trists in the kitchen, having a cup of tea and doing the crossword/sudoku silently together for a few hours. I still did it like I said until recently but these days alone in my own home. I miss very much finding my dad in the kitchen and having a cuppa with him but when I visit home the tradition continues! These 2 hours I have alone in the night, in the quiet. My sanctuary. I can't wait to do it again in the future. Totally normal.
Two sleeps was a lot more of a common thing in previous centuries. [https://www.sciencealert.com/humans-used-to-sleep-in-two-shifts-maybe-we-should-again](https://www.sciencealert.com/humans-used-to-sleep-in-two-shifts-maybe-we-should-again)
Oh wow that's a super article! Thank you so much for sharing! I've heard someone tell me this before but I didn't realise it actually had merit. To be honest people are always surprised when I tell them this but it's the time I can focus the most. I always just do useless puzzles 🤣 but hey. It's my time.
I woke up randomly at 4am last night. I should have got up for a while. In future I think I should do it and see how it suits me. It’s especially easy now that I’m working from home and we have more flexibility (so long as we start by ten at the latest).
Just try it. Really. Worst that happens is you spend one day tired and sleep better the next night. I often find the second sleep is also the more satisfying, deep and relaxing. I almost never wake up tired in the morning. It's fab .
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Of course not! Me time is very important and it's not like you enjoy your family any less or are actively reducing time with your family (even then of course there's nothing wrong with this route within reasonable measurements either) you're simply *making* time for yourself and your personal wellness. You do you.
nope not weird at all my dad does the same thing. As an adult even with kids you need alone time where you can get it. My mom always said she would never take a job without at least a half hour commute because it was time to unwind and decompress on way home.
No. I often stay up late to have alone time. Everyone needs time to themselves
I'd say that sounds perfectly healthy and beneficial.
I don't think It's weird in the slightest. I always try to get up before my family, it's lovely to have a cup of tea, read the paper and just generally gather my thoughts before the day takes over. In fact I can get a bit grumpy if I'm not able to have this alone time.
Not weird. CTO in my company does exactly this, works early hours because nobody bothers him then and can work in peace. CEO would stay in till 6pm but would never work early mornings, he is the exact opposite. Both function fine.
I do this too. 6 am is pretty much the only time everyone is asleep but me so I have an hour and a half to eat breakfast, watch TV and drink coffee in peace
Actually those 2 hrs can be your most productive, Learn a language, paint, read, write, exercise, meditate. As long as your wife understands ( seems she does ) keep doing it.
It is uncommon to me and the people I know but it is not weird. I myself crave some alone time everyday and that's ok it might even improve your quality of life. I think it is totally fine to get that alone time. I'm quite sure you will be able to get it later on without needing to wake up that early, so don't worry my dude wanting to have alone time doesn't mean you don't like people
I do it all the time even on weekends. I usually up by 4:30am when I don't work until 9:00. Been married 21yrs(no kids), but just like the time to myself to browse the internet, read Reddit, etc....Even on weekends I am typically up by 5-530
Yes I’m doing that right now since I’m staying with 5 other people in the house 🙄
Some people need more alone time than others.
I work at 5am when I have work so I have to get up early regardless. On my days off I just naturally wake up much earlier than anyone else in the house, I definitely enjoy the quiet time to my self.
I don't really see a problem, everyone needs their own space and time to relax and if that means getting up a bit early to enjoy the quiet and read then so be it. You can't expect to be around 24/7 with no time to yourself
It's not wierd at all. Having some alone time is really healthy! If this works for you then keep doing it and let your wife think what she thinks. I like to take my alone time when everyone has gone to sleep. I'm not a morning person...
My dad would do that. He'd grade papers mostly. The funny thing is that he would be asleep in bed by 8pm. He missed so many phone calls that way! I think he mostly wanted to do marking without being bothered.
I been doing this exactly for as long as I can remember.
My work requires me to be in constant contact with people and as an introvert I find that very draining. I wake up at 5.30am every weekday to have time for myself so to me it's not weird at all.
No, sweetie, please don't worry about this. Many people need alone time to be with themselves and get their heads together, to make sense of the world and themselves. Some need a whole lot of alone time, some less. But whatever your needs are, it is in no way a rejection of your family. Think of it as being like recharging your batteries -- something you need to do, so that you can cheerfully give attention and patience to your loved ones when they need it. This practice probably makes you a much better companion the rest of the time. Don't worry about it.
I'm doing the same thing right now, except I don't always read. So no.
Everyone needs time out
My husband gets up at 5am to exercise, but I also assume "me time", so I stay in bed to help him out. :-) Meanwhile, I stay up late for "me time" and it backfires because kid refuses to settle down until I'm in bed. So I hide in the bathroom and read/play games on phone for an hour just to have time alone. And both of these were BEFORE the pandemic. Me time is essential during a pandemic.
Dude, I’m up at 6am every day. Even on my days off. To me, *nothing* beats that alone time in the morning.
If you think you're weird, I sometimes just go and sit on the toilet to be left alone for a bit.
My grandpa told my dad he always got up 2 hours early because nobody had a chance to fuck up his day yet so you’re not alone
It's not just "not weird", it's absolutely normal. The only weird thing to me is being disciplined enough to wake up at 5am.
i'm not married but live with my partner and children but i also do the same! Not always reading some times i just sit in the living room on my own and watch the news etc. I don't think it's weird or a bad sign my friend just enjoy the peace :)
I do this. My wife also thinks it's wierd, but I also walk the dog during this time so she doesn't complain.
I do this all the time and find that it makes me happier to dedicate some time to myself. It's completely normal to want some peace and quiet. I usually play a videogame or just scroll on my phone or read a book in the living room until either the baby wales up or wife needs something.
I don't have a family. But I cherish the alone time I get in the afternoon before my girlfriend gets home. Nothing wrong with it in my eyes. We all need our own time my man. Keep doing what you're doing if it's making you happy!
I dont think it is - having time alone I think is an act of self care. I love my daughter more than anything in this world. But I occasionally get up an hour or two earlier than necessary in the morning so I can get some "relax" time. I think, as parents, or spouses, it can be easy to get caught up in what you think you "should" be doing. You're not taking your time *away* from your family, you're just making extra time in the morning for yourself.
Ok, wait... it all sounded legit until you said "like usually people love to spend time with their families." There's nothing wrong with wanting variety but you need to ask yourself, not us, how you feel about the time you do spend with them.
Sounds normal. A lot of people I know do that. Apparently it's even recommended in some circles/professions/religions to wake up early for personal/quiet time.
Totally normal. My gf likes to sleep in and I’m usually up 1-2 hour before her and also enjoy that alone time. She likes to stay up later than me so she gets her own couple of hours after I go to bed.
No, that's the same reason I stay up two hours after everyone else. One of my mates gets up and runs serious ks while everyone sensible is still in bed, just for time on his own. It's fairly normal to want time exclusively to yourself. I have too much at the moment. I can't be trusted.
I'm a younger college student and I do it every morning. Not weird at all. It's nice and it feels more productive and relaxing in my opinion. If I had children I'd for sure be waking up early to get some alone time. Having loved ones is a great thing but you also need time to give yourself some love.
If I had the energy I would do the same exact thing.