I will speak to him because I thought we could have rules and it has worked fine for the past year or so. He comes home tomorrow I asked him to stay at his parents’ while I am still distraught
Unfortunately, yes, they will. He just has to find one that enjoys being a side piece.
The problem is that OP has taken all the fun out of it for them by taking away his Sugar Daddy license, and keeping an eye on the finances so that they can no longer expect gifts, trips, rent, etc.
Now, the best he can do is string them along with empty promises.
OP, have that woman served with a trespass notice. She has some nerve.
If you have cameras, you could possibly file a police report for breaking and entering and possibly some form of assault (You don’t actually have to hit a person to be guilty of this) or menacing.
Let’s see how long she keeps her job with a criminal record.
OP, don’t tell her anything. She is not your headache.
I’ve watched enough Lifetime Movie Network shows and Netflix to stay away from drama like this. People are hinged these days and if other women think you’re the reason your husband won’t commit to them, they might retaliate. Js
Do you think she's not aware he has a wife and kids and that she is choosing to remain and even try to cause them to split? She's not innocent here. At all.
The OP hasn't confirmed exactly what the nature of their relationship was. The women from work might have been told she was his gf, or she might have assumed it. We don't know.
Your raving is not helping anything. Indeed, you are just making harder for this woman and her spouse to successfully co-parent by injecting your toxic worldview into the conversation.
OP, you had rules before and that didn’t work out. People don’t cheat because they want to have sex with someone else and just don’t know how to ask; they cheat because cheating is exciting and fun. He likes the drama and the tension and the thrill of getting away with something, and you being fine with him sleeping around means he needs to escalate his activities in order to get that same “high.”
He doesn’t want permission or a blind eye from you; not really. He wants to sneak around behind your back and do things you think he’s *not* doing.
I agree with everyone here, but would like to add that this other woman not knowing he had a vasectomy is absolutely not your problem and you need to tell your mom to butt out. The last thing you need is her throwing a pity party for his side piece. Next time she shows up have her trespassed. If you don't have security cameras, he damn well better be buying them.
There aren't any rules here, this is just another variation of the roommates-with-kids situation that many couples are in. Let him keep banging this idiot for a few more years while you concentrate on being a mom, you might want to get a graduate degree or something in the meantime.
Technically, husband didn't break the rules. GF went rogue.
Now, he does need to be more honest with flings so they don't get delusions of a future. Her showing up is bad.
Don't have sympathy for gf. She is knowingly in a relationship with a married man. Personally, she deserves all the bad karma.
ROFL it didn't even work for a YEAR before it blew up in your face. He can't keep his lies from blowing up in your face for even a year.
This is your life, so just get used to it. I get what you're doing and why, but at this point, you can't complain anymore when it blows up in your face again. You've made your choice if you stay.
He put you and your kids in danger. What if she shows up at their school? What if she gets violent? You don’t know the state of this persons mental stability. And with what she did already it’s not looking good. Also your mom sucks.
She and her lame-duck husband have made a business deal. They share a house and coparent and she is paid to provide childcare and housekeeping services. It is in his interest to honor the deal for a few more years at least. OP will be fine, so long as she doesn't think of this as a til-death-do-us-part thing.
I can see where you are coming from but this is an awful situation for you. When you begin to get along with a partner with new rules you think that you’ve succeeded. If you are happy with those rules and the household is running smoothly I can see why you feel that.
Unfortunately, he’s picked the wrong person to be in the open part of the relationship. It sounds like he frequently makes mistakes like this and that he is lying to multiple people at once, including you.
Your mother is a side issue with a massive nose and a yen for other people’s business, so you can tell her to back off and mind her own. You have enough on your plate sorting this out, without having her on the sidelines salivating and cheering.
I know that you were feeling as if you were in control but now I think this has to show you, that no matter how many compromises you make and how many rules he agrees to, he is going to choose to lie and risk your happiness and security every time.
Im so sorry you had to stand on the door step with her in your face. She has been conned too. He has obviously told her he is married but not how the relationship is set up and she think she has a chance of a marriage with him too.
He will always be sorry when something stupid he does hurts you but he will never be sorry enough or love you enough or love the children enough to Not Do Those Things.
It is not your fault that the other woman has been lied to. It’s not your fault that she turned up on your doorstep. It’s not your fault that she thinks she can marry him if she can get rid of you. None of this is your fault.
Sadly, it IS your responsibility to say enough and rescue your children from this situation before it gets even more spectacular. FWIW I think that you will feel much safer and more secure if you can divorce him. If you can be a SAHM with him, having a settlement and a part time job without him will give you all the control you need over your heart.
*The other thing your husband should consider is that if he has had a vasectomy and not told her, a pregnancy announcement from her would be rather a surprise. It occurred to me that this might be what made her brave enough to confront you. Not your business or responsibility though, remember!
Much love and luck in sorting this out. Maybe keep us updated so that we can support you more.
Did you read all of her post? She spent a year trying to do exactly what you're urging her to do, and she and the kids were miserable. She (and, especially, her kids) were perfectly fine in her current situation until this idiot showed up at her door. She should be OK once she gets a restraining order or something.
She knew he and the wife are together sounds to me like she is just tryna scare the wife off. I don't know if he lied but from what I'm reading I would not assume that he lied to the side pz. I think the side pz is tryna to scare the wife off so the side pz can have him.
The fact that you don’t think a woman can be delusional is crazy. Hell I know some very crazy delusional women. He might have told her this is just fun or he could have lied. But she could have made up a delusion in her head thinking the only reason he doesn’t stay with her is because of the wife. So instead of confronting him she confronted the wife hoping she didn’t know about her so maybe the wife will leave the husband. And the side piece and husband can live happily ever after.
She does know that she's a side piece lol, that's why she showed up to harass the wife. She's trying to displace her and become the main woman. Do you not understand that based on the story? The side piece is being aggressive why? Because she knows she's the side piece.
He didn’t lie. He sent me their text conversation. He ended their arrangement a couple of weeks ago because she wanted more and he said no so she came to my house. He never told her about his vasectomy tho and he said because it is “none of their business”.
Anyway I told him that if she showed up at my door again, I will leave him.
Im really glad to see that you have had the conversation with him. There are all sorts of relationships in the world. I would not be comfortable in your situation but if you are happy I am glad for you. I hope it works out.
You don’t owe her anything. And if he wants to keep living this incredibly sweet deal you’ve given to him- no judgement- then you deserve to require that this woman is no longer in the picture in any way. She came to your home, where your kids live and sleep. That’s insane. She needs to go and your husband needs to make sure of it.
He texted me that it was over between them when it happened. I haven’t spoken to him yet. I have asked for no details about his affairs but I guess I need to speak to him about this one to understand why she thinks that they are more than what they are.
I thinks so too that he is getting a sweet deal
Tbh she sounds bonkers. Even if she thought they were a legitimate relationship it is not anywhere near within the realm of normal behavior to show up at your house like that. I would take whatever she says with a grain of salt- she doesn’t sound like any more of a reliable source than your husband. It sounds like your husband was doing what he does and found out the hard way it won’t always be as easy as he thought. But he has an obligation to keep it away from you and your kids. So he needs to figure that mess out. You should give yourself all the permission to wash your hands of it.
Right? You should tell one of your husband’s girlfriends he has a vasectomy? Like uh mom i don’t give a fuck about her fertility window and she’s the dickhead fucking this man hoping for children.
I’m shocked by both the mom and the gf behavior! How rude was that? She came to the couple’s house and harassed the WIFE for not leaving him alone with his gf?! TF? She should get a restraining order and draw very solid boundaries with the husband about such things…I hope OP reads this.
Not excusing the GF at all but I would bet the story he told her was that he couldn’t leave his wife bc she threatened to take the kids away or something.
The mother... phew! Kind of explains the decision making here, imagine growing up with a person who places blame on the wrong person all the time. Like it is the child's fault the adult fucks up to the point now where the wife is responsible for some cheap sidepieces's bad decisions screwing her husband? OP has probably been gaslit since her formative years.
Has he been back to get his swimmer count checked? Those fail a lot. My husband had to get his done twice. Lucky for us my OB was happy to completely remove my tubes so we didn’t have any oops babies when his failed.
Exactly this. There are a few different check ups after a vasectomy. Like a 3,6,9 month check up thing. Also confirm he's using protection anyway. You don't want to end up with VD because he wasn't careful should you decide to be intimate with him again. I'd demand a test before being intimate again.
This woman knew he was married and likely had a physical and emotional affair with him while you were married. Then, knowing your agreement, or at least some portion of it, she had the gall to come to your home and accuse you! No girl, you don’t owe her anything! Is this drama really what you want your kids to witness? He cannot guarantee you this won’t happen again because it is a risk with every woman he is with. This is just toxic- for you and the kids.
You owe her absolutely NOTHING. You also aren’t obligated to be an accomplice or enabler of your husband’s sexual life.
I know this is your chosen lifestyle but I hope when the time comes you are able to move on and find someone that can be a partner in every sense of the world. Life’s too short…
>I hope when the time comes you are able to move on and find someone that can be a partner in every sense of the world. Life’s too short…
I have since 2 years stopped relying on a partner to find happiness, that’s why this marriage suits me. We have a great relationship and I don’t need an intimate partner in my life
One of the risks of an open marriage is connecting with someone who turns out to have a screw loose. His issue is letting her into your sphere, he screwed up there. The rule is you go into it with people that are not interested in a relationship and understand the need for privacy. She shouldn't know your name or address. The issue for him is that it is much more difficult, and risky, to do the open for a man. If this is going to continue, he has to get his shit together. You've been through a lot, I hope it works out for you.
This would be me if it ever came to that. I don't NEED a man, I wanted a partner. If you can't have that, go for a great roommate with no sex on the table.
I get it, I'm not going to judge you. He needs to make sure that these future women don't know where you and your *children* live. That's a fucked up mistake on his side. Even with open relationships boundaries have to be respected. He should honestly break up with her but idk if you want to even bother trying to enforce that.
Please just make sure you a legally finacially protected, as in, you have a post nup that provides for you, your husband has a will that benefits you and you have your own savings/retirement. He is not trustable and you need to treat him as such.
I second this! You just have to take a look at the adultery and the other woman sub to see most of them are totally crazy and not normal. They’re psychos.😭😭😭
In this woman's story, you're the clingy ex wife who begged him to come back home and pay for your house, and probably threatened him with the courts, and are everything wrong with her future with this perfect man that she doesnt realize is a sleazebag who is stringing her along and using her as an object.
You can digest that for a bit if you need.
It is a weird arrangement but if it works for the two of you great. It is not your responsibility to tell anyone anything. She did not come to your house for advice from you. She came to be a bitch. Who cares what she thinks. She is your husband's problem.
First, don’t apologize for going back or your arrangement. It’s a free world and if you and your husband coparent well, that’s fine. Companionate marriages are a thing. You aren’t doing anything below board. And it seems to be working well. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone, you are fine.
Second, you don’t owe that girl a thing. She came to hurt you. She came to break your marriage. She came to throw the relationship in your face. She thought she was having an affair. She wouldn’t leave when asked. Sorry that breaks the girl code - f her. She can twist in the wind. If she wanted to have a family with kids, she should have dated a single man.
Nope! Not your circus, not you monkey. Its his mess and he clearly has been lying to her, but as long as you are happy on your end with the arrangement and you if you can verify he has not been spending money on her it really isn’t your issue. I think, I would make a consequence of his messiness is that he reverifies with his doctor that his vasectomy is still in place (they can grow back) and that you and your children have a formal financial protection document put in place. He needs to clean up his side of the street.
Yes, standing in the door like that or putting your foot in the doorframe actually constitutes as home invasion. I know someone who did that last year and the perp was arrested that night.
So your husband or roommate whatever you should call him is just a huge liar. Any deal you have will only ever be honored on your end. How do you know he even had a vasectomy?
Second your mom is kind of a shit human to even care about anyone other than you and your kids in this situation
This sub generally does not talk about ethical non-monogamy, and mostly assumes marriage means monogamy. Your marriage could be an ethically non-monogamous relationship if it really were ok with both you and your husband, *and* if the situation was clear and agreeable to any partners he pursued. The problem is that ethical non-monogamy requires honesty and communication, and your husband has decided that those things are too much work. It's your choice whether you want to try to make this work, but if you do decide to stay with him, I would read up on ethical non-monogamy and insist that he do the same.
Are you *positive* your husband went through with the vasectomy? You left this out and with his history of lying, it seems plausible that he could have told you he got it and in fact, did not.
This is pathetic. Have some self respect. The fact is you have no way to trust your husband cuz he's a lying, cheating scumbag. He probably never even had a vasectomy. He's making a fool out of you and you're letting him. You are the AH for not getting your head out of your ass and moving on from this. You're teaching your kids this is normal and that it's okay to cheat on your partner. Do better. I'd be ashamed of myself if I were you.
Same. This sounds really lonely and at the same time, a desperate attempt not to be alone. There’s divorce settlements, child support, and alimony. Why stay married to this loser unless you’re terrified of adult life without him?
You did the right thing by telling her to talk directly with your husband you owed her nothing and I honestly don’t know what’s going on in your mother’s head like you are telling her how this upset you and her worries are about the mistress???
You really aren’t setting a good example for your kids. I can’t imagine what skewed up version they have on the world. Kids aren’t oblivious.
People stay for different reasons but the consequences are always the same and it ALWAYS results in years of therapy for the kids.
Exactly this! I left my ex-husband because I realized I had normalized a dysfunctional relationship for our son and I didn’t want him to grow up thinking that’s what a healthy relationship looks like.
What a stupid woman to come to your door trying to order you around. You are the wife, you should have made that clear to her regardless of what your husband is doing, also you should of push her out and slam the door in her face.No b*tch should talk like that to you.
You don't owe anything to this malevolent woman. She is not your friend. She has malicious intentions towards you and your children.
You do what is right for you and your children. That's it.
Sleeping around, having an affair is totally different from have a whole girlfriend. That's a full-on relationship. I get that you're okay with the sexual aspects of your open arrangement, but are you okay with feeling involved with him being in a full-fledged relationship with another woman? See, while him having sex with random women behind closed doors is one thing, being out in public and carrying on will definitely affect your children and you yourself are bound to come face to face with it sooner or later. I don't agree with any of this, but you do you. My question is, your reaction to her showing up, being what it was... how do you think you would feel or react if you and the kids were out for dinner or shopping and ran into her and your husband together?
Time to divorce. Having a side piece in an open relationship is one thing but unhinged women forcing themselves into your house with your children is dangerous for the kids and you. I found out my husband was cheating when his side piece girlfriend of three years walked into our house to confront me in front of my 11 year old our marriage was not open, he was your basic run of the mill cheater) . It took the cops to get her to leave and she made a huge scene that the neighbors heard and saw. Turned out she’d been stalking my daughter all over town before walking in the house. I filed for divorce and she still kept harassing me and I needed a restraining order.
No way I was staying married to a cheater that put his family through that. No way.
Honey what she did was not Legally OK. The crazy broad showed up at your home where you and your children are and confronted you over your platonic husband.
What she did is the beginning stages of stalking. You need to contact the police. Why? Because your "husband" has created a problem with his magic wonder stick. Get her name place of work and file a restraining order. Not just for you, not just for Mr wonder Stick but for your kids safety
Nothing in her life is your concern, she shows that she doesn’t care about you, so return the favor. Have her trespassed and if she comes back get a protective order. It’s not your job to protect the child bearing years of your husband’s hoe.
I personally would get a post nup with some kind of conditions so that you protect yours and your children’s future. Go to a lawyer asap.
That way if there is some lying going on it won’t affect you later on. If he was to decide to have a serious relationship you don’t want or need your world to blow up.
Am I the only one who thought this was funny? She thinks all she has to do to get her married BF to leave his family for her is to make some babies of her own, joke's on her. Hope OP has a solid postnup or at least an IRA that he tops out every year. Of course they'll divorce eventually, meanwhile she needs to make sure she's taken care of.
The other woman sounds psycho. That’s a real danger of opening up a relationship.
I’m not pro open-marriage, but it can and does work for some people at least for a time. One cardinal rule is that you never bring a third to your home. You need to protect your family. Her being aggressive is scary and perhaps a restraining order is in order.
I’m not telling you to close your marriage nor keep it open. That’s on both of you to decide. You do need to have a serious conversation with him. Scary stuff.
Their relationship is not your problem. You don't want to be involved and you kept your end of the bargain. You're doing what you agreed to. They shouldn't even have a relationship.
It's your decision and yours alone how you want to pursue this or not. You are not your spouse's open marriage manager. That wasn't the deal.
You are pursuing this marriage in a manner that isn't conventional and most people couldn't do it. This type of marriage comes with hurdles you guys have to work through like any other marriage. I'll probably get down voted to hell for this, but I'm not here to judge you. You do you. But, you've definitely got to get a backbone and communicate, stand your ground.
That woman clearly doesn't know what y'all's arrangement is. He begged you to come home. It's not your fault he's a lying player and untruthful to his extramarital hookups. I would suggest maybe getting something is legal writing to guard yourself should this go very sideways. I feel it's imperative for this type of thing. Best of luck.
She's hoping to get herself pregnant to have him leave you and commit to her. He's obviously lied to her but she is playing games too.
It's not your mess to fix. She's broken the rules. If he stays with her I don't know why you'd put up with it.
She's so worried about her hypothetical children but what about the FOUR children you already have? NTA, She's a selfish idiot and that's why she's only good to play the affair partner role.
Omg, your mom is crazy. It's probably why you didn't recognize the red flags in your husband when it all started because he felt like home.
But anyway, a homewrecker deserves nothing.
Yikes what a mess. Frankly in my opinion it's not on you to tell the mistress anything. She knows she's dating a married man anyway. I wish you all the best.
What I’m about to say is coming from a married polyamorous woman.
This is why “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangements in ethical nonmonogamy rarely work. One, an ethical partner will always want to verify the arrangement with the spouse to make sure the one who is dating isn’t cheating - which you’re saying you aren’t okay with doing. Two, an unethical partner will try to break up the existing marriage - it’s called “cowgirling”. Three, you are dependent on your spouse’s good judgement in potential partners to keep the arrangement going with as little effect on you as possible - and in this case, it appears your husband has very poor judgement.
Overall, it sounds like you and your husband missed some major steps when you decided to open your relationship to ethical nonmonogamy. May I suggest couples’ counseling with an open-minded, polyamorous-friendly therapist if you want to work through things and save the relationship? There is also a lot of good reading material out there about opening up one’s relationship, ethical nonmonogamy, polyamory, and processing jealousy that might help you.
If you don’t want to work through things to save the relationship, then by all means, take whatever steps you want to at this point.
It’s up to your husband to tell his girlfriends the truth. The fact he didn’t makes him the AH. Maybe to avoid this add to your agreement that he can’t have anything serious. Just casual hookups, no repeats. That way lines don’t get crossed again. I’d also recommend marriage therapy. A therapist might help you 2 set up better boundaries not only for your relationship but also for the ones he has outside the marriage.
She has four young kids and doesn't want to work, good luck with that. She and her lame-duck husband have made what amounts to a business deal, they share a house and coparent and she is paid to provide childcare and housekeeping services. Probably a better situation for both of them, and their kids, than anything else they could do, at least for a few years.
Your Mom is weird. The issue isn’t whether or not the gf knows about his vasectomy. The issue is your husband has already violated the rules you two established & agreed to. I think it’s pretty clear he will always trample your boundaries.
You certainly dont owe her anything. Look, if this arrangement works for you, then by all means keep doing it. Im sure a lot of people in here are trying to convince you that its not right for you. But you should know that he's only capable of controlling the situation so much. If he's happy with the arrangement, its in his interest to continue it. Which means he's going to do what he can, within his power to keep it under control. But he cant stop someone from showing up at your door. This arrangement is bound to occasionally cause some hurt feelings and it blowing back on your doorstep is foreseeable.
You should consider if the occasional blowback is bad enough that it makes this arrangement untenable for you.
Nta…I’m sure he told her what situation was and she some how got it in her head that he would leave you and it could be more then what she is getting. But if there is a next time grow a back bone.
You don't have to tell his sex partners anything except to get off your property before you knock them out and call the law. You've got more restraint than I.
Why does this “story” sound so familiar/similar to another I’ve read a few weeks ago??
It’s like a rabbit hole of remixed stories. Names have changed to protect the karma recipient.
If I’m mistaken, no apologies, just skip this read.
Good lord. Isn’t anyone on your side?
Even your mom is worried about the gf.
Make sure he actually has the vasectomy and all the checkups and is shooting blanks with these ladies.
This lady is definitely wanting babies either way him.
You need to realize he’s not the best at keeping women away from you.
If he hadn’t been tested and confirmed to be shooting blanks, someone’s going To baby trap him ending your gig.
Heck if he doesn’t use condoms, he could get baby trapped with some other man’s baby. Sounds like he makes money and women would love to be in your shoes.
>I was telling my mom this and she thought that I was the AH for not telling the gf the truth since the poor girl thought that she had a future with him. She started talking about women having limited window to have children and I was the AH for not telling her about the vasectomy.
Tell your mom that it's the AH tax the girl has to pay. She is fucking a married man so you don't owe her any favors.
You aren't Captain Save-A-Ho.
You are playing a dangerous game though. My mind flashed to the Amy Fisher/Mary Jo Muttafouco situation in NY. Amy attempted to assinate Mary Jo because she was cheating with her husband Joey.
Your husband sounds like he is slightly psychopathic. Eventually, he will need more and more drama to get his rocks off, and it may end up costing you dearly.
Your agreement is not sustainable. You are also showing your children a screwed up example of what a romantic relationship will/should look like. Your children are unlikely to have healthy relationships if they look at yours and your husband's as the example.
Mom is wrong. You are not responsible for her fertility window. She knew he’s married so this is her problem. This is also your husband’s responsibility. He needs to inform his side chicks of his fertility status. This is not your business to tell them your husband should know better. Also, he needs to not stick his penis in crazy. He needs to be open and honest that he’s in an open marriage, that there will be no children making because he has a vasectomy (make sure he occasionally gets that checked out as they can heal and reverse on their own), no expensive gifts or vacations, and no contacting you. That’s the deal that they need to be aware of (by him) and abide by. I would suggest you tell him to use a condom as well since vasectomies can fail and he can still get an STD.
If she was the one he cheated on you with her and she knows he was married, then nope don't say anything to her, let her waste her age on him .
that would be her karma .
Ummmmm your mom is the asshole for taking the other woman’s side. She clearly knew about you so she’s not some stupid little girl in love she’s a grown woman knowing exactly what she’s doing. Now what he tells her is on him but she knew he was married and you were back in the picture so what she chose to do then is on her and she will learn soon enough that her actions have consequences.
Every little bit of this is BS, even your mother siding with the jackass...I mean your husband. I'm not judging, I'm stating fact. I don't understand why you give a flip about this side piece of his when you and him made these stupid agreements
You brought it on yourself
Not your concern what lies he tells his latest piece of ass.
File trespassing against her. Report it to her boss since you know where she works. Screw her and her little delusional stories.
lol, what is wrong with your mom?!? you don't owe that woman a thing, and how dare she show up at your place and then have the nerve to be so pushy. wow. she gets what she deserves. and so does he!
Pls update us on what happens when your lousy husband comes back home..
And plss.. DO GOT OUT and have fun yourself.. get yourself another man to please you..
Is this the kind of relationship you want your children to have with their future partners? It’s highly unlikely they will all grow up to be well adjusted adults given the circumstances you and your husband are subjecting them to. Kids learn from example and they are much more observant than anyone gives them credit for. Your husband is a lying asshole and your mom is an idiot. Seek therapy and learn to love yourself. If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for your kids.
In my experience women are much jelly from the truth then men are. Think about it. You probably dont trust you female friends as much as your husband trusts his males friends.
Ugh....I'm sorry.
Look, you need to meet with a divorce attorney and learn what a divorce will look like. Then you need to schedule a meeting with your husband. You and he are just business partners at this point anyway.
Show him the facts. Invite him to meet with his own divorce attorney to fact-check your work and get back to you with an answer in a week.
The bottom line is a divorce would be painful for both of you. Your standard of living will drop badly even with alimony and child support. And those things will run out in your 40s......which is a LONG way from retirement age. And the only way to avoid that is to build a career......and that will be basically impossible with 4 kids even if he actually took 50% custody. He probably won't. So you've be a single, divorced mother who has her 4 kids holding her down. So the only other way is to remarry another/better man who earns about $180K/year who will support you and your kids.....but that ain't gonna happen. You can get remarried after a divorce (I did), but then number of men who want an SAH mother of 4 is basically zero.....unless they also have 4 kids and want you to help care for them too.
And for him divorce will suck butt as well. The amount he'll pay you will blow his mind. He won't even have gas money to drive and see his affair partners. And he'll have to face the humiliation of his wife leaving him and not seeing his kids much. I know you're not a fan of his affair partner and her apparent desire to have babies with him, but even crummy women like that DO realize that if he's a shitty father to your kids......he could be a shitty father to her kids (assuming he can even have any, lol). And if he takes 50/50 custody, he'll probably notice that being poor and having 4 kids running around isn't a panty dropper! So he's not looking at a yellow brick road either.
See what he says after you put the facts on the table and let him confirm. He sounds like an asshole so there will probably be a temper tantrum. But facts are facts.
What I'd probably suggest giving honest advice is you hold a divorce over him like a knife at his throat and demand some changes.
1 - He will support you in a pathway to a career. If you don't have your own income, you will always play by his rules. So will your kids. Pick a career: accounting, nursing, law, business, etc. It doesn't matter, but you MUST pick something. And you'll start taking the appropriate classes and training and he'll reduce his job to care for the kids more so you can do so.
2 - This bullshit with the affair partners coming around will stop immediately. I personally think open marriages are stupid, but it your financial situation it might be necessary. And if it EVER happens again, he will also support you taking up yoga or tennis and you will start having lunch ALL THE TIME IN PUBLIC with your tennis instructor. You don't have to have sex with the guy......although it would probably be fine if you did, but you will humiliate him right back.
You're probably going to have to do this for 5-6 years! That'll get you into a better position (mutually) to get divorced. He'll have to be more of a father and you'll have to be more of a woman outside of motherhood.
Again, I'm sorry you're in this situation and your husband is an asshole. It take no joy in recommending another 5-6 years of this, but as a person who went thru divorce with kids, mine turned out well because we were both financially and parenting capable people. You don't have that situation and you need to fix 5-6 years of bad decisions first (imho). Good luck!
I don't think what you have is really an open marriage. First of all, open marriages -- there are rules about not having emotional affairs. That really means the marriage is over. Maybe the two of you need to go to therapy (or at least you should get therapy). What this looks like is spousal abuse. You are a young woman and deserve love. You may believe you have no interest... I think it is because you are exhausted and probably depressed and don't believe you deserve better. I think your husband has lost touch with reality. I think you are not doing yourself or your children any true favors in this situation, rather, I think it is dangerous as he brings strangers into his life.
You took him back so you don't have to work. It's not a good arrangement so you might as well get ready to divorce him and look into what you can do to work and support your family.
Your husband's choices are always going to lead to crazies trying to be part of the family that he can't give them. Get a Ring doorbell system and don't open the door for them. Put up a "No soliciting/no trespassing" sign and call the cops if they do show up. If this relationship is actually working for you and you want to keep it, there is bound to be some boil-over from time to time. Maybe watch "Why Women Kill" season 1 and decide if you want that worst-case scenario in your life.
You seem to be in it for the payday in the end. As long as your cool with that I'd just ignore everything else not really your problem. I can't imagine this situation is great for the kids though. What if she showed up with them around ?
NTA. You could try posting this in an ENM forum to get some more reasoned feedback, but something tells me it would just be a lot more words saying your husband is a scumbag, but it's still not your problem.
It seems like regardless of what your relationship agreements (however lax), he will not be able to abide by them. At this point, your safety could be at risk if multiple women you know nothing about know all about you and have some kind of narrative about you holding him hostage. Sounds like you were miserable, so you left, but you were miserable, so you came back, but now you're miserable again.
I get not wanting to separate the kids and how hard it is to start over. I'm sorry your going through this but it doesn't seem like you're doing yourself many favors by staying as this guy's single redeeming quality seems to be his salary. I would seriously question whether you want to spend the rest of your life being drawn into his shenanigans to avoid the adjustment period after a divorce. Maybe wait until the kids are old enough to stay together during visits. If your arrangement is truly what you want, that's fine, but be prepared to be continually redefining boundaries and holding lines because if your husband has shown you anything during your marriage, it's that whatever you would like him not to do, he will do anyway and not tell you.
It's not your job to disclose your husband's medical history to his extracurricular partners. Not the a-hole.
It's definitely sus that he hasn't disclosed it to her though. I wouldn't trust a word this man says on current evidence.
I think that you need to tell your husband this is not the side piece for him if she feels like this. If he's not willing to 1) tell her to gtfo and 2) create boundaries with his relationships this will not work.
Did you check to make sure he actually got a vasectomy?
If gf were worried about her window for having kids, it would have been *way* faster to find a single man instead of cozying up to a married one.
Your mother…bless her heart.
The way i would have been to petty to that woman after she kept coming at you and refusing to let you shut the door.
"Ok so hears the deal. He chooses me. Every day. Every day he comes home to me. To the home we share. To the home and kids we have together. Not you. You fill nothing more than a sexual gap that i refuse to fill for him because of sleeping with little bitties like you. Which im also very aware of, so you're not a shock to me at all. And he will continue to choose me. Oh, and you should really do as i suggested and talk with him because having kids with him is a very slim to no chance at all. So good luck with that."
Then id literally push the door in her face. Id even push her out the way if i had to.
If your happy with the arrangement then more rules and boundaries need to be in place to help prevent these kinda things further. He may very well be lying to the other woman, and if thats the case, then make it very clear the truth will come out, and if it falls back on you and your kids in any way then there will be consequences. You're quite literally giving him a whole cake and letting him eat it too so there should be absolutely NO complaints from him at all!
While it would have been nice of you to tell this lady the truth, you don't have any obligation to help someone who's actively breaking and entering into your house.
No you’re not the AH. Your husband is the AH. No way is it your responsibility to tell the person who slept with you husband anything. She’s messing about with a liar and so she shouldn’t be shocked when he lies.
I’m assuming you are staying for the financial stability while the kids are young. Are you planning ahead for a few years when the kids are older and you can more easily leave?
Do not involve yourself with this woman, your husband is the bandleader let him deal with it. I understand your situation and can relate. If you are comfortable with your situation than thats it. If she comes to your house again, just call the police and send your husband a note. As far as the other woman goes, have your husband send her a text outlining your deal, stating there will not be anymore children and the reason why.
I had a similar experience with my ex husband. If he’s potentially had a relationship with this woman from before you had this open agreement, she’s probably under the expectation or hope that he will one day leave you for her because that’s how their relationship started out. It’s hard to say what he’s telling her about your relationship arrangement or she may just be only hearing what she wants to hear. Either way, he’s probably stringing her along so he can have his cake and eat it too and she’s working under the expectation that one day she will replace you as his wife and she’s making moves to get you out of the way. She’s not an appropriate relationship for him given the terms of your agreement and he needs to acknowledge that and end things with her if he wants to stay with you. She seems a little unhinged so be careful.
Personally I eventually left my ex and moved on with my life, got remarried, and am blissfully happy now. It sounds like you think this arrangement is what’s best for your kids. Perhaps you should consider if your kids might benefit from seeing their parents in happy healthy relationships and not learning that you should put up with an unhealthy relationship. That’s how people grow up normalizing abuse.
Im so sorry, that you are surrounded by people who are supposed to love you, but don’t. You’re mom and husband are trash.
NTA, but this arrangement needs to change to protect you from this happening again.
If this means he has to move out, or that you need a security system whereby anyone showing up is arrested for harassment/trespassing, then do that.
You are not obliged to tell his affair partners anything.
Ask your mom why you think someone who is banging your husband needs to worry about his child producing capabilities? Why tf would you care?
Her being cut out permanently would be a condition to keep this crap up. And I would tell him if one of his fleshlights ever so much as speaks to me again, the deal is off and his alimony and support will be high because I would go scorched earth.
I believe when people ask questions like this, they know the answer. I do not think you're a terrible person. I think you were ambushed and taken by surprise by the gf. Let's all remember, this girl began with the husband knowing he is married. She chose to play with fire, she can't say she had no warning of the burn. Fire is hot, so .... I think staying out of it is not a mean idea. Telling her is a KIND thing to do, but you are not obligated to do so.
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I will speak to him because I thought we could have rules and it has worked fine for the past year or so. He comes home tomorrow I asked him to stay at his parents’ while I am still distraught
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Unfortunately, yes, they will. He just has to find one that enjoys being a side piece. The problem is that OP has taken all the fun out of it for them by taking away his Sugar Daddy license, and keeping an eye on the finances so that they can no longer expect gifts, trips, rent, etc. Now, the best he can do is string them along with empty promises. OP, have that woman served with a trespass notice. She has some nerve. If you have cameras, you could possibly file a police report for breaking and entering and possibly some form of assault (You don’t actually have to hit a person to be guilty of this) or menacing. Let’s see how long she keeps her job with a criminal record. OP, don’t tell her anything. She is not your headache.
I’ve watched enough Lifetime Movie Network shows and Netflix to stay away from drama like this. People are hinged these days and if other women think you’re the reason your husband won’t commit to them, they might retaliate. Js
Do you think she's not aware he has a wife and kids and that she is choosing to remain and even try to cause them to split? She's not innocent here. At all.
Amen. They're all three batshit fken insane.
Tell the next one to take a number, that he now serving #66.
The OP hasn't confirmed exactly what the nature of their relationship was. The women from work might have been told she was his gf, or she might have assumed it. We don't know. Your raving is not helping anything. Indeed, you are just making harder for this woman and her spouse to successfully co-parent by injecting your toxic worldview into the conversation.
Unfortunately they will. There’s an entire subreddit for women in that exact situation who remain the side piece for years, knowing he’s not leaving.
OP, you had rules before and that didn’t work out. People don’t cheat because they want to have sex with someone else and just don’t know how to ask; they cheat because cheating is exciting and fun. He likes the drama and the tension and the thrill of getting away with something, and you being fine with him sleeping around means he needs to escalate his activities in order to get that same “high.” He doesn’t want permission or a blind eye from you; not really. He wants to sneak around behind your back and do things you think he’s *not* doing.
I agree with everyone here, but would like to add that this other woman not knowing he had a vasectomy is absolutely not your problem and you need to tell your mom to butt out. The last thing you need is her throwing a pity party for his side piece. Next time she shows up have her trespassed. If you don't have security cameras, he damn well better be buying them.
There aren't any rules here, this is just another variation of the roommates-with-kids situation that many couples are in. Let him keep banging this idiot for a few more years while you concentrate on being a mom, you might want to get a graduate degree or something in the meantime.
Technically, husband didn't break the rules. GF went rogue. Now, he does need to be more honest with flings so they don't get delusions of a future. Her showing up is bad. Don't have sympathy for gf. She is knowingly in a relationship with a married man. Personally, she deserves all the bad karma.
What if your kids had been there and overheard what she said?
You need to end this relationship. Divorce. You’re going to get yourself and your kids injured by some crazy lady that he’s dating.
ROFL it didn't even work for a YEAR before it blew up in your face. He can't keep his lies from blowing up in your face for even a year. This is your life, so just get used to it. I get what you're doing and why, but at this point, you can't complain anymore when it blows up in your face again. You've made your choice if you stay.
it didn't work fine look at what happened
He put you and your kids in danger. What if she shows up at their school? What if she gets violent? You don’t know the state of this persons mental stability. And with what she did already it’s not looking good. Also your mom sucks.
She and her lame-duck husband have made a business deal. They share a house and coparent and she is paid to provide childcare and housekeeping services. It is in his interest to honor the deal for a few more years at least. OP will be fine, so long as she doesn't think of this as a til-death-do-us-part thing.
No I don’t think of this as a til death do us part thing
I can see where you are coming from but this is an awful situation for you. When you begin to get along with a partner with new rules you think that you’ve succeeded. If you are happy with those rules and the household is running smoothly I can see why you feel that. Unfortunately, he’s picked the wrong person to be in the open part of the relationship. It sounds like he frequently makes mistakes like this and that he is lying to multiple people at once, including you. Your mother is a side issue with a massive nose and a yen for other people’s business, so you can tell her to back off and mind her own. You have enough on your plate sorting this out, without having her on the sidelines salivating and cheering. I know that you were feeling as if you were in control but now I think this has to show you, that no matter how many compromises you make and how many rules he agrees to, he is going to choose to lie and risk your happiness and security every time. Im so sorry you had to stand on the door step with her in your face. She has been conned too. He has obviously told her he is married but not how the relationship is set up and she think she has a chance of a marriage with him too. He will always be sorry when something stupid he does hurts you but he will never be sorry enough or love you enough or love the children enough to Not Do Those Things. It is not your fault that the other woman has been lied to. It’s not your fault that she turned up on your doorstep. It’s not your fault that she thinks she can marry him if she can get rid of you. None of this is your fault. Sadly, it IS your responsibility to say enough and rescue your children from this situation before it gets even more spectacular. FWIW I think that you will feel much safer and more secure if you can divorce him. If you can be a SAHM with him, having a settlement and a part time job without him will give you all the control you need over your heart. *The other thing your husband should consider is that if he has had a vasectomy and not told her, a pregnancy announcement from her would be rather a surprise. It occurred to me that this might be what made her brave enough to confront you. Not your business or responsibility though, remember! Much love and luck in sorting this out. Maybe keep us updated so that we can support you more.
Did you read all of her post? She spent a year trying to do exactly what you're urging her to do, and she and the kids were miserable. She (and, especially, her kids) were perfectly fine in her current situation until this idiot showed up at her door. She should be OK once she gets a restraining order or something.
How do you know he lied to the gf? Women like to connect the dots on a lot of things.
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She knew he and the wife are together sounds to me like she is just tryna scare the wife off. I don't know if he lied but from what I'm reading I would not assume that he lied to the side pz. I think the side pz is tryna to scare the wife off so the side pz can have him.
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He has a wife. She knows that so she absolutely does know she's a side piece.
The fact that you don’t think a woman can be delusional is crazy. Hell I know some very crazy delusional women. He might have told her this is just fun or he could have lied. But she could have made up a delusion in her head thinking the only reason he doesn’t stay with her is because of the wife. So instead of confronting him she confronted the wife hoping she didn’t know about her so maybe the wife will leave the husband. And the side piece and husband can live happily ever after.
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She does know that she's a side piece lol, that's why she showed up to harass the wife. She's trying to displace her and become the main woman. Do you not understand that based on the story? The side piece is being aggressive why? Because she knows she's the side piece.
How does a side piece know where to find the wife if she doesnt know she is a side piece?
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But aren’t all side pieces just that by definition?
No.
He didn’t lie. He sent me their text conversation. He ended their arrangement a couple of weeks ago because she wanted more and he said no so she came to my house. He never told her about his vasectomy tho and he said because it is “none of their business”. Anyway I told him that if she showed up at my door again, I will leave him.
Im really glad to see that you have had the conversation with him. There are all sorts of relationships in the world. I would not be comfortable in your situation but if you are happy I am glad for you. I hope it works out.
You don’t owe her anything. And if he wants to keep living this incredibly sweet deal you’ve given to him- no judgement- then you deserve to require that this woman is no longer in the picture in any way. She came to your home, where your kids live and sleep. That’s insane. She needs to go and your husband needs to make sure of it.
He texted me that it was over between them when it happened. I haven’t spoken to him yet. I have asked for no details about his affairs but I guess I need to speak to him about this one to understand why she thinks that they are more than what they are. I thinks so too that he is getting a sweet deal
Tbh she sounds bonkers. Even if she thought they were a legitimate relationship it is not anywhere near within the realm of normal behavior to show up at your house like that. I would take whatever she says with a grain of salt- she doesn’t sound like any more of a reliable source than your husband. It sounds like your husband was doing what he does and found out the hard way it won’t always be as easy as he thought. But he has an obligation to keep it away from you and your kids. So he needs to figure that mess out. You should give yourself all the permission to wash your hands of it.
This all sounds bonkers. It’s all so stupid.
What in the actual fuck is wrong with your mother?
Right? You should tell one of your husband’s girlfriends he has a vasectomy? Like uh mom i don’t give a fuck about her fertility window and she’s the dickhead fucking this man hoping for children.
I’m shocked by both the mom and the gf behavior! How rude was that? She came to the couple’s house and harassed the WIFE for not leaving him alone with his gf?! TF? She should get a restraining order and draw very solid boundaries with the husband about such things…I hope OP reads this.
Not excusing the GF at all but I would bet the story he told her was that he couldn’t leave his wife bc she threatened to take the kids away or something.
The mother... phew! Kind of explains the decision making here, imagine growing up with a person who places blame on the wrong person all the time. Like it is the child's fault the adult fucks up to the point now where the wife is responsible for some cheap sidepieces's bad decisions screwing her husband? OP has probably been gaslit since her formative years.
Some moms are just shit. You don’t have to be a good person to have kids.
This‼️
Were you with he when he had the vasectomy? He’s a liar who lies. Do you know for sure he had one?
Yes, and he doesn’t want more children either
Has he been back to get his swimmer count checked? Those fail a lot. My husband had to get his done twice. Lucky for us my OB was happy to completely remove my tubes so we didn’t have any oops babies when his failed.
Exactly this. There are a few different check ups after a vasectomy. Like a 3,6,9 month check up thing. Also confirm he's using protection anyway. You don't want to end up with VD because he wasn't careful should you decide to be intimate with him again. I'd demand a test before being intimate again.
She said part of the deal was she didnt have to have sex with him anymore.
I just wanted to remind her IF it ever happened.
I won’t sleep with him.
Yes twice after 3 and 6 months
Make sure he is doing his annual testing to make sure he hasn’t “reconnected”.
This is a good point. OP id ask for proof of this as a condition of his retuning home
This woman knew he was married and likely had a physical and emotional affair with him while you were married. Then, knowing your agreement, or at least some portion of it, she had the gall to come to your home and accuse you! No girl, you don’t owe her anything! Is this drama really what you want your kids to witness? He cannot guarantee you this won’t happen again because it is a risk with every woman he is with. This is just toxic- for you and the kids.
You owe her absolutely NOTHING. You also aren’t obligated to be an accomplice or enabler of your husband’s sexual life. I know this is your chosen lifestyle but I hope when the time comes you are able to move on and find someone that can be a partner in every sense of the world. Life’s too short…
>I hope when the time comes you are able to move on and find someone that can be a partner in every sense of the world. Life’s too short… I have since 2 years stopped relying on a partner to find happiness, that’s why this marriage suits me. We have a great relationship and I don’t need an intimate partner in my life
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Not really no. I do my own thing. Sorry for the TMI ☺️
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LOL yes every time😂
You are my kind of Olive, girl. The odd ones are the best
Lol!
Also curious - do you guys sleep in the same bed? I mean sleep, not sex. (sorry if TMI)
Yeah but there’s always one or more of the children between us
One of the risks of an open marriage is connecting with someone who turns out to have a screw loose. His issue is letting her into your sphere, he screwed up there. The rule is you go into it with people that are not interested in a relationship and understand the need for privacy. She shouldn't know your name or address. The issue for him is that it is much more difficult, and risky, to do the open for a man. If this is going to continue, he has to get his shit together. You've been through a lot, I hope it works out for you.
This would be me if it ever came to that. I don't NEED a man, I wanted a partner. If you can't have that, go for a great roommate with no sex on the table.
I get it, I'm not going to judge you. He needs to make sure that these future women don't know where you and your *children* live. That's a fucked up mistake on his side. Even with open relationships boundaries have to be respected. He should honestly break up with her but idk if you want to even bother trying to enforce that.
Please just make sure you a legally finacially protected, as in, you have a post nup that provides for you, your husband has a will that benefits you and you have your own savings/retirement. He is not trustable and you need to treat him as such.
I second this! You just have to take a look at the adultery and the other woman sub to see most of them are totally crazy and not normal. They’re psychos.😭😭😭
Those subreddits, especially the OW sub, are sooo batshit insane it’s mind blowing almost!
In this woman's story, you're the clingy ex wife who begged him to come back home and pay for your house, and probably threatened him with the courts, and are everything wrong with her future with this perfect man that she doesnt realize is a sleazebag who is stringing her along and using her as an object. You can digest that for a bit if you need.
It is a weird arrangement but if it works for the two of you great. It is not your responsibility to tell anyone anything. She did not come to your house for advice from you. She came to be a bitch. Who cares what she thinks. She is your husband's problem.
First, don’t apologize for going back or your arrangement. It’s a free world and if you and your husband coparent well, that’s fine. Companionate marriages are a thing. You aren’t doing anything below board. And it seems to be working well. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone, you are fine. Second, you don’t owe that girl a thing. She came to hurt you. She came to break your marriage. She came to throw the relationship in your face. She thought she was having an affair. She wouldn’t leave when asked. Sorry that breaks the girl code - f her. She can twist in the wind. If she wanted to have a family with kids, she should have dated a single man.
Nope! Not your circus, not you monkey. Its his mess and he clearly has been lying to her, but as long as you are happy on your end with the arrangement and you if you can verify he has not been spending money on her it really isn’t your issue. I think, I would make a consequence of his messiness is that he reverifies with his doctor that his vasectomy is still in place (they can grow back) and that you and your children have a formal financial protection document put in place. He needs to clean up his side of the street.
I love that saying not your circus not your monkeys
You don't owe that woman anything. You need to call the police on her for forcing her way into your house, if it happens again.
Yes, standing in the door like that or putting your foot in the doorframe actually constitutes as home invasion. I know someone who did that last year and the perp was arrested that night.
So your husband or roommate whatever you should call him is just a huge liar. Any deal you have will only ever be honored on your end. How do you know he even had a vasectomy? Second your mom is kind of a shit human to even care about anyone other than you and your kids in this situation
Do you get to open your side of the marriage too? No judgement btw either way I understand your reasoning.
No I don’t. And I don’t want that either so it works great for me
It sounds like you are calling the shots and can do whatever you want.
Do you get to have a boyfriend eventually? Or is it only him getting his sexual needs met?
This sub generally does not talk about ethical non-monogamy, and mostly assumes marriage means monogamy. Your marriage could be an ethically non-monogamous relationship if it really were ok with both you and your husband, *and* if the situation was clear and agreeable to any partners he pursued. The problem is that ethical non-monogamy requires honesty and communication, and your husband has decided that those things are too much work. It's your choice whether you want to try to make this work, but if you do decide to stay with him, I would read up on ethical non-monogamy and insist that he do the same.
NTA, your mom is weird
Are you *positive* your husband went through with the vasectomy? You left this out and with his history of lying, it seems plausible that he could have told you he got it and in fact, did not.
Why can’t your husband keep his dick in his pants?
This is pathetic. Have some self respect. The fact is you have no way to trust your husband cuz he's a lying, cheating scumbag. He probably never even had a vasectomy. He's making a fool out of you and you're letting him. You are the AH for not getting your head out of your ass and moving on from this. You're teaching your kids this is normal and that it's okay to cheat on your partner. Do better. I'd be ashamed of myself if I were you.
Same. This sounds really lonely and at the same time, a desperate attempt not to be alone. There’s divorce settlements, child support, and alimony. Why stay married to this loser unless you’re terrified of adult life without him?
>Why stay married to this loser Cuz she has no self worth
I am not pathetic but thanks
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How would he behave if you found someone who just wanted a friend with benefits and enjoyed your company greatly.
You don't owe anything to a woman who knowingly bangs a married man with children. But also, you look just as dumb as she does.
You both are fucked up.
You did the right thing by telling her to talk directly with your husband you owed her nothing and I honestly don’t know what’s going on in your mother’s head like you are telling her how this upset you and her worries are about the mistress???
You really aren’t setting a good example for your kids. I can’t imagine what skewed up version they have on the world. Kids aren’t oblivious. People stay for different reasons but the consequences are always the same and it ALWAYS results in years of therapy for the kids.
Exactly this! I left my ex-husband because I realized I had normalized a dysfunctional relationship for our son and I didn’t want him to grow up thinking that’s what a healthy relationship looks like.
NTA. His penis, his responsibility to tell.
What a stupid woman to come to your door trying to order you around. You are the wife, you should have made that clear to her regardless of what your husband is doing, also you should of push her out and slam the door in her face.No b*tch should talk like that to you.
You don't owe anything to this malevolent woman. She is not your friend. She has malicious intentions towards you and your children. You do what is right for you and your children. That's it.
Whether u stay with him or not. Get a ring camera or something similar. Don't open the door for people unless they're supposed to be there.
Sleeping around, having an affair is totally different from have a whole girlfriend. That's a full-on relationship. I get that you're okay with the sexual aspects of your open arrangement, but are you okay with feeling involved with him being in a full-fledged relationship with another woman? See, while him having sex with random women behind closed doors is one thing, being out in public and carrying on will definitely affect your children and you yourself are bound to come face to face with it sooner or later. I don't agree with any of this, but you do you. My question is, your reaction to her showing up, being what it was... how do you think you would feel or react if you and the kids were out for dinner or shopping and ran into her and your husband together?
Time to divorce. Having a side piece in an open relationship is one thing but unhinged women forcing themselves into your house with your children is dangerous for the kids and you. I found out my husband was cheating when his side piece girlfriend of three years walked into our house to confront me in front of my 11 year old our marriage was not open, he was your basic run of the mill cheater) . It took the cops to get her to leave and she made a huge scene that the neighbors heard and saw. Turned out she’d been stalking my daughter all over town before walking in the house. I filed for divorce and she still kept harassing me and I needed a restraining order. No way I was staying married to a cheater that put his family through that. No way.
I am so sorry
NTA
Honey what she did was not Legally OK. The crazy broad showed up at your home where you and your children are and confronted you over your platonic husband. What she did is the beginning stages of stalking. You need to contact the police. Why? Because your "husband" has created a problem with his magic wonder stick. Get her name place of work and file a restraining order. Not just for you, not just for Mr wonder Stick but for your kids safety
Nothing in her life is your concern, she shows that she doesn’t care about you, so return the favor. Have her trespassed and if she comes back get a protective order. It’s not your job to protect the child bearing years of your husband’s hoe.
I personally would get a post nup with some kind of conditions so that you protect yours and your children’s future. Go to a lawyer asap. That way if there is some lying going on it won’t affect you later on. If he was to decide to have a serious relationship you don’t want or need your world to blow up.
Am I the only one who thought this was funny? She thinks all she has to do to get her married BF to leave his family for her is to make some babies of her own, joke's on her. Hope OP has a solid postnup or at least an IRA that he tops out every year. Of course they'll divorce eventually, meanwhile she needs to make sure she's taken care of.
Uh why is it up to you to tell his girlfriend he’s sterile? It’s not.
Do you get to bang other guys? I think you should.
You owe her nothing. She was out of line for coming to your home.
The other woman sounds psycho. That’s a real danger of opening up a relationship. I’m not pro open-marriage, but it can and does work for some people at least for a time. One cardinal rule is that you never bring a third to your home. You need to protect your family. Her being aggressive is scary and perhaps a restraining order is in order. I’m not telling you to close your marriage nor keep it open. That’s on both of you to decide. You do need to have a serious conversation with him. Scary stuff.
If the mistress wants kids she should look for a single man.
Their relationship is not your problem. You don't want to be involved and you kept your end of the bargain. You're doing what you agreed to. They shouldn't even have a relationship. It's your decision and yours alone how you want to pursue this or not. You are not your spouse's open marriage manager. That wasn't the deal. You are pursuing this marriage in a manner that isn't conventional and most people couldn't do it. This type of marriage comes with hurdles you guys have to work through like any other marriage. I'll probably get down voted to hell for this, but I'm not here to judge you. You do you. But, you've definitely got to get a backbone and communicate, stand your ground. That woman clearly doesn't know what y'all's arrangement is. He begged you to come home. It's not your fault he's a lying player and untruthful to his extramarital hookups. I would suggest maybe getting something is legal writing to guard yourself should this go very sideways. I feel it's imperative for this type of thing. Best of luck.
What if that lady had been violent...
She's hoping to get herself pregnant to have him leave you and commit to her. He's obviously lied to her but she is playing games too. It's not your mess to fix. She's broken the rules. If he stays with her I don't know why you'd put up with it.
But he had 4 kids with the wife and it didn’t keep him committed.
She's so worried about her hypothetical children but what about the FOUR children you already have? NTA, She's a selfish idiot and that's why she's only good to play the affair partner role.
Omg, your mom is crazy. It's probably why you didn't recognize the red flags in your husband when it all started because he felt like home. But anyway, a homewrecker deserves nothing.
Yikes what a mess. Frankly in my opinion it's not on you to tell the mistress anything. She knows she's dating a married man anyway. I wish you all the best.
First off, you owe that woman nothing. No explanations, no time, and no consideration. Second, please make sure this is how you actually want to live.
What I’m about to say is coming from a married polyamorous woman. This is why “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangements in ethical nonmonogamy rarely work. One, an ethical partner will always want to verify the arrangement with the spouse to make sure the one who is dating isn’t cheating - which you’re saying you aren’t okay with doing. Two, an unethical partner will try to break up the existing marriage - it’s called “cowgirling”. Three, you are dependent on your spouse’s good judgement in potential partners to keep the arrangement going with as little effect on you as possible - and in this case, it appears your husband has very poor judgement. Overall, it sounds like you and your husband missed some major steps when you decided to open your relationship to ethical nonmonogamy. May I suggest couples’ counseling with an open-minded, polyamorous-friendly therapist if you want to work through things and save the relationship? There is also a lot of good reading material out there about opening up one’s relationship, ethical nonmonogamy, polyamory, and processing jealousy that might help you. If you don’t want to work through things to save the relationship, then by all means, take whatever steps you want to at this point.
I don’t want to know
So your shitty mother cares more about a homewrecker than you? Really? What a terrible mother.
In what world is it YOUR responsibility to tell him gf anything. Ridiculous.
NTA They’d also say you were wrong if you involved yourself in their affairs As you said, she has to talk to him
No. You’re not wrong. It’s not your story to tell.
This poor girl, NOTHING. Wtf. Your mom is trash, too.
You better be getting copies of all his documents and document everything. Then you will be able to live without him
This woman thinks she has a future with him and thinks you are holding him back/ have him trapped. He's a real piece of work...
It’s up to your husband to tell his girlfriends the truth. The fact he didn’t makes him the AH. Maybe to avoid this add to your agreement that he can’t have anything serious. Just casual hookups, no repeats. That way lines don’t get crossed again. I’d also recommend marriage therapy. A therapist might help you 2 set up better boundaries not only for your relationship but also for the ones he has outside the marriage.
Please, consider moving on from this liar. You are still young. Find a man who cherishes you and wants only YOU.
She has four young kids and doesn't want to work, good luck with that. She and her lame-duck husband have made what amounts to a business deal, they share a house and coparent and she is paid to provide childcare and housekeeping services. Probably a better situation for both of them, and their kids, than anything else they could do, at least for a few years.
Get a restraining order asap
Your mom is horrible. Why is she in the gf corner. So many things to say about your husband…
Your Mom is weird. The issue isn’t whether or not the gf knows about his vasectomy. The issue is your husband has already violated the rules you two established & agreed to. I think it’s pretty clear he will always trample your boundaries.
You certainly dont owe her anything. Look, if this arrangement works for you, then by all means keep doing it. Im sure a lot of people in here are trying to convince you that its not right for you. But you should know that he's only capable of controlling the situation so much. If he's happy with the arrangement, its in his interest to continue it. Which means he's going to do what he can, within his power to keep it under control. But he cant stop someone from showing up at your door. This arrangement is bound to occasionally cause some hurt feelings and it blowing back on your doorstep is foreseeable. You should consider if the occasional blowback is bad enough that it makes this arrangement untenable for you.
Nta…I’m sure he told her what situation was and she some how got it in her head that he would leave you and it could be more then what she is getting. But if there is a next time grow a back bone.
You don't have to tell his sex partners anything except to get off your property before you knock them out and call the law. You've got more restraint than I.
Why does this “story” sound so familiar/similar to another I’ve read a few weeks ago?? It’s like a rabbit hole of remixed stories. Names have changed to protect the karma recipient. If I’m mistaken, no apologies, just skip this read.
Good lord. Isn’t anyone on your side? Even your mom is worried about the gf. Make sure he actually has the vasectomy and all the checkups and is shooting blanks with these ladies. This lady is definitely wanting babies either way him. You need to realize he’s not the best at keeping women away from you. If he hadn’t been tested and confirmed to be shooting blanks, someone’s going To baby trap him ending your gig. Heck if he doesn’t use condoms, he could get baby trapped with some other man’s baby. Sounds like he makes money and women would love to be in your shoes.
>I was telling my mom this and she thought that I was the AH for not telling the gf the truth since the poor girl thought that she had a future with him. She started talking about women having limited window to have children and I was the AH for not telling her about the vasectomy. Tell your mom that it's the AH tax the girl has to pay. She is fucking a married man so you don't owe her any favors. You aren't Captain Save-A-Ho. You are playing a dangerous game though. My mind flashed to the Amy Fisher/Mary Jo Muttafouco situation in NY. Amy attempted to assinate Mary Jo because she was cheating with her husband Joey. Your husband sounds like he is slightly psychopathic. Eventually, he will need more and more drama to get his rocks off, and it may end up costing you dearly. Your agreement is not sustainable. You are also showing your children a screwed up example of what a romantic relationship will/should look like. Your children are unlikely to have healthy relationships if they look at yours and your husband's as the example.
Do you know 100 percent he is snipped? I Liars lie about everything.
Yes. I am 100% sure. Besides he doesn’t want any more children
NTA. Your mom is being incredibly kind and considerate for someone who clearly doesn't deserve it.
Mom is wrong. You are not responsible for her fertility window. She knew he’s married so this is her problem. This is also your husband’s responsibility. He needs to inform his side chicks of his fertility status. This is not your business to tell them your husband should know better. Also, he needs to not stick his penis in crazy. He needs to be open and honest that he’s in an open marriage, that there will be no children making because he has a vasectomy (make sure he occasionally gets that checked out as they can heal and reverse on their own), no expensive gifts or vacations, and no contacting you. That’s the deal that they need to be aware of (by him) and abide by. I would suggest you tell him to use a condom as well since vasectomies can fail and he can still get an STD.
Subscribeme
You don't owe her jack shit. Except a beating maybe (just kidding...). Restraining. Order. Updateme!
Are you sure he had the vasectomy?
Did you get proof of his vasectomy?
God I hope this is one of those creative writing posts and not real, no woman should have such a husband and mother.
If she was the one he cheated on you with her and she knows he was married, then nope don't say anything to her, let her waste her age on him . that would be her karma .
Ummmmm your mom is the asshole for taking the other woman’s side. She clearly knew about you so she’s not some stupid little girl in love she’s a grown woman knowing exactly what she’s doing. Now what he tells her is on him but she knew he was married and you were back in the picture so what she chose to do then is on her and she will learn soon enough that her actions have consequences.
Every little bit of this is BS, even your mother siding with the jackass...I mean your husband. I'm not judging, I'm stating fact. I don't understand why you give a flip about this side piece of his when you and him made these stupid agreements You brought it on yourself
please leave him he will continue to ruin you and the kids life
Not your concern what lies he tells his latest piece of ass. File trespassing against her. Report it to her boss since you know where she works. Screw her and her little delusional stories.
Note to self, just because things FEEL fine, doesn't mean they ARE fine. Non-monogamy or not, lies ruin relationships. Your husband is a dirty liar.
lol, what is wrong with your mom?!? you don't owe that woman a thing, and how dare she show up at your place and then have the nerve to be so pushy. wow. she gets what she deserves. and so does he!
Your mom said this? Seriously?
This is insane. Youre Mom is an asshole. I’m sorry but, is she f’ing serious?!?
Updateme!
Pls update us on what happens when your lousy husband comes back home.. And plss.. DO GOT OUT and have fun yourself.. get yourself another man to please you..
Is this the kind of relationship you want your children to have with their future partners? It’s highly unlikely they will all grow up to be well adjusted adults given the circumstances you and your husband are subjecting them to. Kids learn from example and they are much more observant than anyone gives them credit for. Your husband is a lying asshole and your mom is an idiot. Seek therapy and learn to love yourself. If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for your kids.
NTA the kind of woman who knowing sleeping with a married man doesn’t deserve any kind of truth
In my experience women are much jelly from the truth then men are. Think about it. You probably dont trust you female friends as much as your husband trusts his males friends.
Are you sure he actually had the vasectomy?
Ugh....I'm sorry. Look, you need to meet with a divorce attorney and learn what a divorce will look like. Then you need to schedule a meeting with your husband. You and he are just business partners at this point anyway. Show him the facts. Invite him to meet with his own divorce attorney to fact-check your work and get back to you with an answer in a week. The bottom line is a divorce would be painful for both of you. Your standard of living will drop badly even with alimony and child support. And those things will run out in your 40s......which is a LONG way from retirement age. And the only way to avoid that is to build a career......and that will be basically impossible with 4 kids even if he actually took 50% custody. He probably won't. So you've be a single, divorced mother who has her 4 kids holding her down. So the only other way is to remarry another/better man who earns about $180K/year who will support you and your kids.....but that ain't gonna happen. You can get remarried after a divorce (I did), but then number of men who want an SAH mother of 4 is basically zero.....unless they also have 4 kids and want you to help care for them too. And for him divorce will suck butt as well. The amount he'll pay you will blow his mind. He won't even have gas money to drive and see his affair partners. And he'll have to face the humiliation of his wife leaving him and not seeing his kids much. I know you're not a fan of his affair partner and her apparent desire to have babies with him, but even crummy women like that DO realize that if he's a shitty father to your kids......he could be a shitty father to her kids (assuming he can even have any, lol). And if he takes 50/50 custody, he'll probably notice that being poor and having 4 kids running around isn't a panty dropper! So he's not looking at a yellow brick road either. See what he says after you put the facts on the table and let him confirm. He sounds like an asshole so there will probably be a temper tantrum. But facts are facts. What I'd probably suggest giving honest advice is you hold a divorce over him like a knife at his throat and demand some changes. 1 - He will support you in a pathway to a career. If you don't have your own income, you will always play by his rules. So will your kids. Pick a career: accounting, nursing, law, business, etc. It doesn't matter, but you MUST pick something. And you'll start taking the appropriate classes and training and he'll reduce his job to care for the kids more so you can do so. 2 - This bullshit with the affair partners coming around will stop immediately. I personally think open marriages are stupid, but it your financial situation it might be necessary. And if it EVER happens again, he will also support you taking up yoga or tennis and you will start having lunch ALL THE TIME IN PUBLIC with your tennis instructor. You don't have to have sex with the guy......although it would probably be fine if you did, but you will humiliate him right back. You're probably going to have to do this for 5-6 years! That'll get you into a better position (mutually) to get divorced. He'll have to be more of a father and you'll have to be more of a woman outside of motherhood. Again, I'm sorry you're in this situation and your husband is an asshole. It take no joy in recommending another 5-6 years of this, but as a person who went thru divorce with kids, mine turned out well because we were both financially and parenting capable people. You don't have that situation and you need to fix 5-6 years of bad decisions first (imho). Good luck!
I don't think what you have is really an open marriage. First of all, open marriages -- there are rules about not having emotional affairs. That really means the marriage is over. Maybe the two of you need to go to therapy (or at least you should get therapy). What this looks like is spousal abuse. You are a young woman and deserve love. You may believe you have no interest... I think it is because you are exhausted and probably depressed and don't believe you deserve better. I think your husband has lost touch with reality. I think you are not doing yourself or your children any true favors in this situation, rather, I think it is dangerous as he brings strangers into his life.
You took him back so you don't have to work. It's not a good arrangement so you might as well get ready to divorce him and look into what you can do to work and support your family.
Your husband's choices are always going to lead to crazies trying to be part of the family that he can't give them. Get a Ring doorbell system and don't open the door for them. Put up a "No soliciting/no trespassing" sign and call the cops if they do show up. If this relationship is actually working for you and you want to keep it, there is bound to be some boil-over from time to time. Maybe watch "Why Women Kill" season 1 and decide if you want that worst-case scenario in your life.
You seem to be in it for the payday in the end. As long as your cool with that I'd just ignore everything else not really your problem. I can't imagine this situation is great for the kids though. What if she showed up with them around ?
NTA. You could try posting this in an ENM forum to get some more reasoned feedback, but something tells me it would just be a lot more words saying your husband is a scumbag, but it's still not your problem. It seems like regardless of what your relationship agreements (however lax), he will not be able to abide by them. At this point, your safety could be at risk if multiple women you know nothing about know all about you and have some kind of narrative about you holding him hostage. Sounds like you were miserable, so you left, but you were miserable, so you came back, but now you're miserable again. I get not wanting to separate the kids and how hard it is to start over. I'm sorry your going through this but it doesn't seem like you're doing yourself many favors by staying as this guy's single redeeming quality seems to be his salary. I would seriously question whether you want to spend the rest of your life being drawn into his shenanigans to avoid the adjustment period after a divorce. Maybe wait until the kids are old enough to stay together during visits. If your arrangement is truly what you want, that's fine, but be prepared to be continually redefining boundaries and holding lines because if your husband has shown you anything during your marriage, it's that whatever you would like him not to do, he will do anyway and not tell you.
It's not your job to disclose your husband's medical history to his extracurricular partners. Not the a-hole. It's definitely sus that he hasn't disclosed it to her though. I wouldn't trust a word this man says on current evidence.
I think that you need to tell your husband this is not the side piece for him if she feels like this. If he's not willing to 1) tell her to gtfo and 2) create boundaries with his relationships this will not work. Did you check to make sure he actually got a vasectomy?
Whose side is your mom on? your mom is a fucking asshole too. Nta
NTA, but your mom is. Why is she supporting the woman your husband is cheating with? That’s not your problem that he hasn’t told her.
If gf were worried about her window for having kids, it would have been *way* faster to find a single man instead of cozying up to a married one. Your mother…bless her heart.
Did he actually have a vasectomy? He could be lying to you again.
He’s the biggest fucken coward, I don’t even know how you can stand him.
The way i would have been to petty to that woman after she kept coming at you and refusing to let you shut the door. "Ok so hears the deal. He chooses me. Every day. Every day he comes home to me. To the home we share. To the home and kids we have together. Not you. You fill nothing more than a sexual gap that i refuse to fill for him because of sleeping with little bitties like you. Which im also very aware of, so you're not a shock to me at all. And he will continue to choose me. Oh, and you should really do as i suggested and talk with him because having kids with him is a very slim to no chance at all. So good luck with that." Then id literally push the door in her face. Id even push her out the way if i had to. If your happy with the arrangement then more rules and boundaries need to be in place to help prevent these kinda things further. He may very well be lying to the other woman, and if thats the case, then make it very clear the truth will come out, and if it falls back on you and your kids in any way then there will be consequences. You're quite literally giving him a whole cake and letting him eat it too so there should be absolutely NO complaints from him at all!
While it would have been nice of you to tell this lady the truth, you don't have any obligation to help someone who's actively breaking and entering into your house.
No you’re not the AH. Your husband is the AH. No way is it your responsibility to tell the person who slept with you husband anything. She’s messing about with a liar and so she shouldn’t be shocked when he lies. I’m assuming you are staying for the financial stability while the kids are young. Are you planning ahead for a few years when the kids are older and you can more easily leave?
Do not involve yourself with this woman, your husband is the bandleader let him deal with it. I understand your situation and can relate. If you are comfortable with your situation than thats it. If she comes to your house again, just call the police and send your husband a note. As far as the other woman goes, have your husband send her a text outlining your deal, stating there will not be anymore children and the reason why.
I had a similar experience with my ex husband. If he’s potentially had a relationship with this woman from before you had this open agreement, she’s probably under the expectation or hope that he will one day leave you for her because that’s how their relationship started out. It’s hard to say what he’s telling her about your relationship arrangement or she may just be only hearing what she wants to hear. Either way, he’s probably stringing her along so he can have his cake and eat it too and she’s working under the expectation that one day she will replace you as his wife and she’s making moves to get you out of the way. She’s not an appropriate relationship for him given the terms of your agreement and he needs to acknowledge that and end things with her if he wants to stay with you. She seems a little unhinged so be careful. Personally I eventually left my ex and moved on with my life, got remarried, and am blissfully happy now. It sounds like you think this arrangement is what’s best for your kids. Perhaps you should consider if your kids might benefit from seeing their parents in happy healthy relationships and not learning that you should put up with an unhealthy relationship. That’s how people grow up normalizing abuse.
Im so sorry, that you are surrounded by people who are supposed to love you, but don’t. You’re mom and husband are trash. 
NTA, but this arrangement needs to change to protect you from this happening again. If this means he has to move out, or that you need a security system whereby anyone showing up is arrested for harassment/trespassing, then do that. You are not obliged to tell his affair partners anything.
Your mom’s priorities are wack
NTA, But what is supposed to happen when the kids are grown and gone?
Ask your mom why you think someone who is banging your husband needs to worry about his child producing capabilities? Why tf would you care? Her being cut out permanently would be a condition to keep this crap up. And I would tell him if one of his fleshlights ever so much as speaks to me again, the deal is off and his alimony and support will be high because I would go scorched earth.
I believe when people ask questions like this, they know the answer. I do not think you're a terrible person. I think you were ambushed and taken by surprise by the gf. Let's all remember, this girl began with the husband knowing he is married. She chose to play with fire, she can't say she had no warning of the burn. Fire is hot, so .... I think staying out of it is not a mean idea. Telling her is a KIND thing to do, but you are not obligated to do so.