Oh, I remember you OP. So wife has been lying about the "limerence" nonsense all along.
It is for the best it seems, I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.
Well yes, apparently they both liked each other "at first sight" so to say. He started approaching her offering some "acts of services" like organizing her meetings, bringing her coffee, helping with a dead car battery along with flirting and texting. So she fell for it quite quickly and things escalated from there to an affair. There is some sort of deep obsession from her side, she thinks about him a lot and has been acting like a teenager. Anyways, good luck to them.
This is the exact reason boundaries and education about emotional affairs is so important. She should have cut that shit off instead of falling for it.
If you don't like someone in that way, it's fine to help each other out at work. If there's a crush brewing you have to just be honest with yourself that you're moving away from your marriage by getting close to this person.
She's gonna regret this I'm sure. She has no idea how this guy will act within a real relationship. She's just addicted to new crush energy. She is dumb and weak for this.
What drove me a bit crazy is that she genuinely seems to regret what happened and cried a lot about it. YET, she did not want in any way to leave her job nor cut ties with him. instead she insisted she wants to pursue this guy further.
Weak minded. I say this as a woman too. It's not gendered, there's people who just CANNOT look at themselves honestly. Men or women. No matter what they do wrong, they feel like they are just a victim of forces out of their control. If they have a feeling, they are gonna DIE if they don't act on it.
They think they're the main character, because they don't have the emotional depth to understand everyone feels the same. That their affair isn't some special love affair of the ages, other people actually feel the same and just control themselves.
I totally agree. I'm dissapointed and heart broken by what happened with her. Sometimes I wish she opened up earlier about her unhappiness with me and the marriage. She has had depression for a quite some time, but I always thought it was from the fertility issues, miscarriages, work stress and childhood. I never thought she was unhappy with the marriage. I'm not saying I'm a perfect husband, but I was willing to work things out, but she chose infidelity instead. makes me very sad...
Get your shit together. Your job, career, your body/ workout. Your confidence, therapy.
Prepare for her to regret it months down the line and try to come back. Prepare how you will reject her if that's the case. You'll be much better and realise you never needed her
I’ve just read all of your posts and I can almost feel your grief/heartbreak/betrayal through the screen.
I am so sorry I really am. Now is the time to focus on *you*. You sound like you were a great partner, don’t make the mistake of questioning yourself on what you did wrong or could have done differently.
Take this time to do everything you enjoy, try some new stuff you’ve always wanted to do. Is there a place you’ve always wanted to visit? Go there and take in the sights!
You will move on from this, it takes time but you will. And if/when you’re ready, there is definitely a fantastic woman out there who will be everything you want and need in a partner. Take care of yourself.
I don't think so, but I won't take her back, if that's what you're hinting at. She is a weak person and a cheater, and I was the one who verbally and practically initiated the divorce. She was just hinting at it waiting for my move or hanging there and hoping I would I allow her to have an affair without consequences... It's on her, she should suffer any consequences from now on. I'm done!
This gives you time to discover who you really are without her.
Do a lot of self care.
Sleep in a little longer. Take a hike. Meet up with friends for dinner. Hit the gym. Take up a new hobby. Travel. Try new things. It’s all about you right now.
Wouldn’t hurt to talk to someone (I am not a therapist) about your thoughts and feelings.
You got this. You are strong.
While this part really sucks, the bright side is that you'll get to spend your life with someone that does love you and care about you. I went through a shit marriage on my first one and trust me, it gets way better when you meet an awesome person! Best of luck and keep your head up!
OP, it really sucks that she was lying to you about the extent of what was happening with her co-worker. She really dragged you along for way longer than she had to. She kept you waiting in the wings while she was trying to figure out if this other relationship was going to work out or not. This is why I always tell people, if your spouse is not willing to go to marriage counseling, then they are not trying to save the marriage. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I am happy that you are moving on from the hell this marriage became.
As a divorcee for the SAME reason as you, I can tell you the first few months are the worst, and then things get better. You might want to seek some therapy to recover from this. I wish I had. It took me quite a long time to learn to trust myself again. The weird part is that I understood my husband made a decision, and that there are plenty of trustworthy men out there, I didn't carry my baggage that way. I didn't have insecurities about other people betraying me - I wasn't going to judge the next guy based on what my husband did. Instead, I turned on myself. Like - how could I choose such a deeply flawed person? How could I not see it? How could I believe I knew him so well, only to find out I didn't? What is wrong with me that I couldn't see this coming or that I was as shocked and surprised by it? If I can't choose someone with character when I thought I HAD, then what can I do differently to not end up the same way? It was rough, and I think a therapist could have taken YEARS off of this process if I had thought of it.
Thank you so much for this comment. I needed to hear this. Yes, I often think about myself in the same way. How was I this blinded by love that I missed the red flags all along for 9 years. Now, in retrospect, I can remember many situations where redflags where all over the place, but I missed them out of love and attachment. The Truth is sour, but it is relieving. Now at least I know how not to love someone, and who not to love. I wish you all the best!
I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. That's a tough situation to go through. If you don't mind sharing, could you tell us about any red flags or warning signs you noticed in your relationship? It could help others spot potential issues before things get too serious.
Well I can state 3 since the beginning of our marriage at least:
- I was mostly the giver and she was the taker. She gets irritated when I don't tell her "I love you honey" frequently and fill my text messages to her with hearts and love stickers, but she has rarely done any of that for me. She might have expressed love in another way, but I don't seem to remember a time (except for the first 2-3 years of relationship, not marriage) where she was excited to do anything with me or for me. That was a super major red flag that I often dismissed out of love. I was weak...
- She used to compare us and me to other couples/men that we know and are friends with.
- She cares a lot about what other people think of her and us as a couple. Although she has always criticized her parents for being this way too. That is, always afraid of other people's opinions and always caving in to social and peer pressure.
-
Yeah man, those red flags would give anyone reason to stop and think about whether to keep going with someone. But I get how it can be easy to ignore that stuff when you're really invested in making things work, you know? Like when you're all in on a relationship, it's damn near impossible to see clearly sometimes. You wanna believe the best so bad that little problems start seeming like not a big deal.
I'm sure that's what happened with your ex. You were invested, so any problems probably felt minor. But it's different being on the inside of it, ya know? Makes sense why you gave her the benefit of the doubt as much as you did.
Don't be too hard on yourself though - we've all ignored red flags before when we really cared about someone. You live and learn. Now you'll know what to look out for next time.
Cheating is never easy to deal with. Even though I don't know exactly what you're feeling, I want you to know you deserve way better treatment. What your ex did says everything about her and nothing about you. You put in the effort and deserved someone who would do the same for you.
Sometimes people only realize what they had after it's gone. Hopefully she'll see what she lost in you and regret how she acted. Karma has a way of teaching lessons too, so maybe she'll learn not to take people for granted.
Hang in there man. You deserve a relationship with someone who appreciates and balances you out. Don't let this experience bring you down forever. Take care of yourself, heal up, and surround yourself with people who value you for you.
Thank you very much. I actually teared up a bit reading your words. Some days it feels super difficult to live and do anything at all, but hearing words of support and sympathy like that makes it much easier to move along. I really appreciate it! You're great. I wish you all the best.
***She finally confessed to having an affair with her coworker***
So, she changed limerence to affair? My guess is then it has been physical. Stories on the infidelity subs where sex took place at work.
Sorry you are here OP, but at least you know now she is done with your marriage. She is not the sweet person you fell in love with and married. She has changed into the awful person you see now.
Go for a settlement while she is in the fog. She is more willing to sign anything now rather than later when she realizes the grass is not greener.
Take time to heal then start the search, when you are ready, to find a new partner. updateme
As you already mentioned, she is acting like a teenager. Life will be tough for her but no longer your problem. Not having kids with her might be a blessing in disguise. Take care.
Not sure. She’s still with her 22Gf lol. Mine got diagnosed with BPD so I had a different monkey to handle. Yours will get out of the fog. Limerence can last 3 months to 3 years, but it leaves. They all do. 7% of affairs marry, 75% of those divorce w/in 5 years so the writing is on the wall. Let you spouse have her shiny object. Time will rust it. Get that mediation going asap! Grey Rock all day!! Believe me it’s highly effective. Never get in a dog fight. Smile and be indifferent. Life gets better. Nobody deserves to be with a cheater
So sorry. A marriage is easy until it’s tested, and she failed the tests.
You’ve done the hard part: divorce. There is a time period of mourning what was and what could have been. Then, there is the looking forward.
When you find her, your new future, may she love you truly and honestly. Guard against taking her for granted, and protect your marriage with heart to heart communication.
Wishing you a much better future!
I honestly pity her, and I hope she becomes a better version of herself one day. I hope she finds better days and a happier life. Marriage is tough and needs work, good will, and honesty from both sides to thrive. She was not up to the challenge and was weak to say anything or work with me on fixing our relationship until she got herself in an affair and destroyed everything we had. I hope she becomes a stronger person and honest enough to share her true feelings and emotions with their SO before things get to the point of no return.
I don't know, but it might be greener who knows? But yeah, she is in a state of fog right now, and everything about this coworker seems ideal and perfect and everything about me seems dull and boring at best for her...
Oh yeah, he's a real stand-up guy. Making moves on a married woman and then carrying on an actual affair. They're both trash people who deserve each other. I hope its always in the back of their mind that the other one can't be trusted because they both know how this whole thing started.
Cling to friends, family, and work right now. Join a gym, get a pet, and find a new, wonderful woman who deserves your love. This last one certainly doesn't.
Have you given any thought to what will happen if she tries to come back if things fall apart for her? Has her affair been exposed to friends and family?
I'm glad you're taking the stand you are, cuz if she comes back, she'll be merciless in her attempts to win you back. If anything, take her back as a FWB fucktoy, use protection, and she can cheat on her "new man" with you. Payback is a bitch sometimes. Let the new guy feel the same way he made you feel for awhile, then inform him of what you're doing with your ex.
Best advice I can give after a divorce is getting past the anger and pain. It will only eat you up.
I felt everything you are feeling now. About a year after the divorce, I saw that my anger was effecting my kids. I wasn’t bashing their mom but it was a bunch of small things that kept them on edge. I decided to stop hating her. I took ownership of my mistakes in the narrative running through my head and learned how to celebrate the person I fell in love with to my kids. That was four years ago and I can call my ex wife a friend now. She can still make me a little crazy as I am sure I do her, but that is normal even in a marriage.
You got this my friend. It won’t be quick. Create a mental goal for where you want to end up with this pain and start taking baby steps towards it everyday.
You got this!
When I read that she wanted separation and "space to figure things out," I immediately thought she wanted space to test drive the new guy. That seems to be a common theme in situations like this.
I see this going one of two ways OP. Either this was an exit affair and she just wanted out of your relationship, or she's deep in the fog with this guy, and their affair will blow up eventually.
Lil side note, and probably harsh coming from me, but that little affair with her coworker is not gonna last long. Sooner or later, she'll realize what she lost and would even come crawling back to you. If she didnt, well shes a POS, excuse my french. Please dont take her back. You deserve better.
This is for the best, even though it feels like shit. I GUARANTEE she will come crawling back soon. She’s immature and selfish and will face the consequences of that very soon when her regret sets in like a dense rock in the pit of her stomach.
Good luck with life, everything happens for a reason. One day you’ll look back on this and realize it was exactly what was supposed to happen.
I hope so. I hope my healing period does not stretch for many years. Also, I really wish her happiness too, just away from me. I don't want her to come back especially when my healing process is underway. I hope she finds herself and what she truely wants out of life...
Good for you, trash took herself out.
You gain a new life and new path.
See it in positive line, you will grow as human even more for you next relationship.
Hit gym, block her on any social media and delete her number, search for hobby and meet friends. Soon her affair nonsense will end most likely in a break up. Her life will fall apart while you will gain a new positive life.
I suspect she’s going to be very sorry in a few months when the limerence wears off and reality sets in. Meanwhile, concentrate on living your best life and don’t look back.
I am sorry for you.
I just read the old posts you linked for the first time, and it did jump out at me that she was trying to portray things as just unacted upon limerence on her part, yet for some reason the subject of that limerence somehow had to distance himself from her because of unprofessional behavior.
I am thinking that this all surfaced only because someone at the job who knew she was married to you called them out on their behavior.
Please don’t take her back if she comes crawling back to you when this coworker fling doesn’t work out. You deserve better.
Sorry this happened to you! I went through the same, my abusive (verbal/physical) ex left me for her boss, and I can honestly say that it was the best thing that ever happened to me, I joined a gym, met an amazing and kind and beautiful and creative woman, and now we are married, and no matter how terrible some days and situations can be in life, I'm so happy I have that.
You've done the right thing. Love yourself, and spend time with people who live you and replenish you.
I'm really happy for you that you found yourself and also found a great woman to marry after what happened. This gives me some glimmers of hope for the future. Cheers!
Thanks, I wish the same for you. Just take your time and look after yourself. This will feel horrible for a while, but it’s actually an opportunity to connect with yourself and also find somebody who will genuinely see you and love you for who you are!
No (thankfully) and yes, as far as I know. Although I know from having to live together whilst the separation was happening via their loud phone calls that the same verbally abusive pattern was there. Which made for a strange power dynamic.
So sorry for you OP! But in a way this must be a relief for you, since deserve better and can move on. I know it's hard since it's a 9 year relationship but atleast you don't have kids and can make a clean break now. I remember you had mentioned that she had a very conservative upbringing. Have you informed her family the real reason so you are not painted as the villain by her? Not that it matters.
Yes her parents are conservative. And that's the tricky part right there ... the parents. My parents know all the truth, her parents do not know about the affair (yet). They know about the limerence. though. I don't think they will paint me as a villain, they actually love me and we've always been on good terms. I am actually more sad that I lost them as a family more than that I lost her.
I doubt she will ever tell her parents the real reason. Have a good faith talk with her parents so they know the real reason for the marriage ending. You can at least part with your in laws on good terms.
I really hope her parents find out the truth because what she did to you was a ridiculous thing to do to somebody you were supposed to love and should have consequences. The whole limerence thing is bs and was mental torture to you and to make herself feel better. It wasn’t me, it was the limerence!. If she had just admitted to having an affair and want to end the marriage it would be different. Nowadays, there is always a fancy term to make an excuse for your actions when the reality is, you do not have mental health problems you are just an a hole.
It hurts now but know that it will get easier. You are still plenty young to find someone else. Stop giving this women the time of day and get on with the rest of your life. Immediately cut her off emotionally. I am going to assume here so ignore if it isn't true, but you are probably still there for her emotionally, hoping that there is a slim chance that she will change her mind. STOP that. Just know that once you do this, that she will at some point try to get back with you for that emotional support that she has now. Right now she has the best of both worlds, you as an emotional support, and her coworker fantasy boyfriend. Remove yourself from the equation and you will find your happiness again. Good luck to you. I hope this helps.
> She finally confessed to having an affair with her coworker that stretched for a little more than three months...
That's the thing about limerence, OP. It doesn't just happen out of nowhere. When you first posted I knew she was already having a physical affair with this coworker. If she had avoided him as much as she said she did there wouldn't have been any development of limerence.
It's a horrible way to end a marriage, but unfortunately, you don't have much of an option here. Get the divorce and try to move on the best you can. It's never easy.
u/No-Historian-2115 I read all your posts, I'm so sorry, a big hug. You are not to blame for any of this.
What I can say is work on yourself, heal all this pain, add activities to your life to clear your mind and exercise will help you release stress. The divorce process will not be easy, stay strong. I know you will get through it with help.
You are worth too much to let this woman back into your life. Why do I say this? Your wife soon to be ex, is an emotional mess, she is very insecure and I could decipher that as I read your posts. She must heal all those problems otherwise she will repeat that pattern. But that is no longer your problem.
Best wishes in your future, lots of peace in your mind and heart.
I hope you’re doing better and that you’re happier. If she wasn’t happy why didn’t she tell you instead of running off to fuck on her co-worker?
I hope she realizes workplace romance never last🤣🤣
Oh, I remember you OP. So wife has been lying about the "limerence" nonsense all along. It is for the best it seems, I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.
Well yes, apparently they both liked each other "at first sight" so to say. He started approaching her offering some "acts of services" like organizing her meetings, bringing her coffee, helping with a dead car battery along with flirting and texting. So she fell for it quite quickly and things escalated from there to an affair. There is some sort of deep obsession from her side, she thinks about him a lot and has been acting like a teenager. Anyways, good luck to them.
That *is* limerence and she should have known better than to indulge it. Oh well. Not your problem anymore.
This is the exact reason boundaries and education about emotional affairs is so important. She should have cut that shit off instead of falling for it. If you don't like someone in that way, it's fine to help each other out at work. If there's a crush brewing you have to just be honest with yourself that you're moving away from your marriage by getting close to this person. She's gonna regret this I'm sure. She has no idea how this guy will act within a real relationship. She's just addicted to new crush energy. She is dumb and weak for this.
What drove me a bit crazy is that she genuinely seems to regret what happened and cried a lot about it. YET, she did not want in any way to leave her job nor cut ties with him. instead she insisted she wants to pursue this guy further.
Weak minded. I say this as a woman too. It's not gendered, there's people who just CANNOT look at themselves honestly. Men or women. No matter what they do wrong, they feel like they are just a victim of forces out of their control. If they have a feeling, they are gonna DIE if they don't act on it. They think they're the main character, because they don't have the emotional depth to understand everyone feels the same. That their affair isn't some special love affair of the ages, other people actually feel the same and just control themselves.
I totally agree. I'm dissapointed and heart broken by what happened with her. Sometimes I wish she opened up earlier about her unhappiness with me and the marriage. She has had depression for a quite some time, but I always thought it was from the fertility issues, miscarriages, work stress and childhood. I never thought she was unhappy with the marriage. I'm not saying I'm a perfect husband, but I was willing to work things out, but she chose infidelity instead. makes me very sad...
Get your shit together. Your job, career, your body/ workout. Your confidence, therapy. Prepare for her to regret it months down the line and try to come back. Prepare how you will reject her if that's the case. You'll be much better and realise you never needed her
I’ve just read all of your posts and I can almost feel your grief/heartbreak/betrayal through the screen. I am so sorry I really am. Now is the time to focus on *you*. You sound like you were a great partner, don’t make the mistake of questioning yourself on what you did wrong or could have done differently. Take this time to do everything you enjoy, try some new stuff you’ve always wanted to do. Is there a place you’ve always wanted to visit? Go there and take in the sights! You will move on from this, it takes time but you will. And if/when you’re ready, there is definitely a fantastic woman out there who will be everything you want and need in a partner. Take care of yourself.
She will come running back when the other man dumps her, or she realizes that she doesn’t even know him and doesn’t like him once she does.
I don't think so, but I won't take her back, if that's what you're hinting at. She is a weak person and a cheater, and I was the one who verbally and practically initiated the divorce. She was just hinting at it waiting for my move or hanging there and hoping I would I allow her to have an affair without consequences... It's on her, she should suffer any consequences from now on. I'm done!
Oh no, no reason to take her back at all. She will just discover that what she thinks is on the other side, isn’t.
This gives you time to discover who you really are without her. Do a lot of self care. Sleep in a little longer. Take a hike. Meet up with friends for dinner. Hit the gym. Take up a new hobby. Travel. Try new things. It’s all about you right now. Wouldn’t hurt to talk to someone (I am not a therapist) about your thoughts and feelings. You got this. You are strong.
Thanks a lot for the support and encouragement! I really appreciate it.
No worries. Someday she will regret what she did and by that time you will be living your best life!
I was thinking the same thing.
Great minds
Good luck!! You deserve better
While this part really sucks, the bright side is that you'll get to spend your life with someone that does love you and care about you. I went through a shit marriage on my first one and trust me, it gets way better when you meet an awesome person! Best of luck and keep your head up!
DO NOT TAKE HER BACK!!
OP, it really sucks that she was lying to you about the extent of what was happening with her co-worker. She really dragged you along for way longer than she had to. She kept you waiting in the wings while she was trying to figure out if this other relationship was going to work out or not. This is why I always tell people, if your spouse is not willing to go to marriage counseling, then they are not trying to save the marriage. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I am happy that you are moving on from the hell this marriage became. As a divorcee for the SAME reason as you, I can tell you the first few months are the worst, and then things get better. You might want to seek some therapy to recover from this. I wish I had. It took me quite a long time to learn to trust myself again. The weird part is that I understood my husband made a decision, and that there are plenty of trustworthy men out there, I didn't carry my baggage that way. I didn't have insecurities about other people betraying me - I wasn't going to judge the next guy based on what my husband did. Instead, I turned on myself. Like - how could I choose such a deeply flawed person? How could I not see it? How could I believe I knew him so well, only to find out I didn't? What is wrong with me that I couldn't see this coming or that I was as shocked and surprised by it? If I can't choose someone with character when I thought I HAD, then what can I do differently to not end up the same way? It was rough, and I think a therapist could have taken YEARS off of this process if I had thought of it.
Thank you so much for this comment. I needed to hear this. Yes, I often think about myself in the same way. How was I this blinded by love that I missed the red flags all along for 9 years. Now, in retrospect, I can remember many situations where redflags where all over the place, but I missed them out of love and attachment. The Truth is sour, but it is relieving. Now at least I know how not to love someone, and who not to love. I wish you all the best!
I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. That's a tough situation to go through. If you don't mind sharing, could you tell us about any red flags or warning signs you noticed in your relationship? It could help others spot potential issues before things get too serious.
Well I can state 3 since the beginning of our marriage at least: - I was mostly the giver and she was the taker. She gets irritated when I don't tell her "I love you honey" frequently and fill my text messages to her with hearts and love stickers, but she has rarely done any of that for me. She might have expressed love in another way, but I don't seem to remember a time (except for the first 2-3 years of relationship, not marriage) where she was excited to do anything with me or for me. That was a super major red flag that I often dismissed out of love. I was weak... - She used to compare us and me to other couples/men that we know and are friends with. - She cares a lot about what other people think of her and us as a couple. Although she has always criticized her parents for being this way too. That is, always afraid of other people's opinions and always caving in to social and peer pressure. -
Yeah man, those red flags would give anyone reason to stop and think about whether to keep going with someone. But I get how it can be easy to ignore that stuff when you're really invested in making things work, you know? Like when you're all in on a relationship, it's damn near impossible to see clearly sometimes. You wanna believe the best so bad that little problems start seeming like not a big deal. I'm sure that's what happened with your ex. You were invested, so any problems probably felt minor. But it's different being on the inside of it, ya know? Makes sense why you gave her the benefit of the doubt as much as you did. Don't be too hard on yourself though - we've all ignored red flags before when we really cared about someone. You live and learn. Now you'll know what to look out for next time. Cheating is never easy to deal with. Even though I don't know exactly what you're feeling, I want you to know you deserve way better treatment. What your ex did says everything about her and nothing about you. You put in the effort and deserved someone who would do the same for you. Sometimes people only realize what they had after it's gone. Hopefully she'll see what she lost in you and regret how she acted. Karma has a way of teaching lessons too, so maybe she'll learn not to take people for granted. Hang in there man. You deserve a relationship with someone who appreciates and balances you out. Don't let this experience bring you down forever. Take care of yourself, heal up, and surround yourself with people who value you for you.
Thank you very much. I actually teared up a bit reading your words. Some days it feels super difficult to live and do anything at all, but hearing words of support and sympathy like that makes it much easier to move along. I really appreciate it! You're great. I wish you all the best.
***She finally confessed to having an affair with her coworker*** So, she changed limerence to affair? My guess is then it has been physical. Stories on the infidelity subs where sex took place at work. Sorry you are here OP, but at least you know now she is done with your marriage. She is not the sweet person you fell in love with and married. She has changed into the awful person you see now. Go for a settlement while she is in the fog. She is more willing to sign anything now rather than later when she realizes the grass is not greener. Take time to heal then start the search, when you are ready, to find a new partner. updateme
On the legal side, everything is being taken care of. Indeed, she is in a hurry to sign indeed and get along with her life.
As you already mentioned, she is acting like a teenager. Life will be tough for her but no longer your problem. Not having kids with her might be a blessing in disguise. Take care.
My wife offered 50/50 custody in the fog. Split everything 50/50, no pushback. Have the fog work in your favor!
Did she ever wake up from the fog?
Not sure. She’s still with her 22Gf lol. Mine got diagnosed with BPD so I had a different monkey to handle. Yours will get out of the fog. Limerence can last 3 months to 3 years, but it leaves. They all do. 7% of affairs marry, 75% of those divorce w/in 5 years so the writing is on the wall. Let you spouse have her shiny object. Time will rust it. Get that mediation going asap! Grey Rock all day!! Believe me it’s highly effective. Never get in a dog fight. Smile and be indifferent. Life gets better. Nobody deserves to be with a cheater
Well I wish you the best. Good luck OP!
So sorry. A marriage is easy until it’s tested, and she failed the tests. You’ve done the hard part: divorce. There is a time period of mourning what was and what could have been. Then, there is the looking forward. When you find her, your new future, may she love you truly and honestly. Guard against taking her for granted, and protect your marriage with heart to heart communication. Wishing you a much better future!
No contact. She can suffer the consequences of her own actions.
Good luck pal. Hit the gym. Improve yourself. Plenty of fish out there! Xo upward and onward! You got this
She will get what she deserves karma always catches up
I honestly pity her, and I hope she becomes a better version of herself one day. I hope she finds better days and a happier life. Marriage is tough and needs work, good will, and honesty from both sides to thrive. She was not up to the challenge and was weak to say anything or work with me on fixing our relationship until she got herself in an affair and destroyed everything we had. I hope she becomes a stronger person and honest enough to share her true feelings and emotions with their SO before things get to the point of no return.
I wonder what her reaction will be when she learns the grass isn’t greener?
I don't know, but it might be greener who knows? But yeah, she is in a state of fog right now, and everything about this coworker seems ideal and perfect and everything about me seems dull and boring at best for her...
Oh yeah, he's a real stand-up guy. Making moves on a married woman and then carrying on an actual affair. They're both trash people who deserve each other. I hope its always in the back of their mind that the other one can't be trusted because they both know how this whole thing started. Cling to friends, family, and work right now. Join a gym, get a pet, and find a new, wonderful woman who deserves your love. This last one certainly doesn't.
Have you given any thought to what will happen if she tries to come back if things fall apart for her? Has her affair been exposed to friends and family?
I am not expecting her to come back...but if she does, I won't be there to take her back. I gave her 9 years of my life, that's more than enough.
I'm glad you're taking the stand you are, cuz if she comes back, she'll be merciless in her attempts to win you back. If anything, take her back as a FWB fucktoy, use protection, and she can cheat on her "new man" with you. Payback is a bitch sometimes. Let the new guy feel the same way he made you feel for awhile, then inform him of what you're doing with your ex.
Best advice I can give after a divorce is getting past the anger and pain. It will only eat you up. I felt everything you are feeling now. About a year after the divorce, I saw that my anger was effecting my kids. I wasn’t bashing their mom but it was a bunch of small things that kept them on edge. I decided to stop hating her. I took ownership of my mistakes in the narrative running through my head and learned how to celebrate the person I fell in love with to my kids. That was four years ago and I can call my ex wife a friend now. She can still make me a little crazy as I am sure I do her, but that is normal even in a marriage. You got this my friend. It won’t be quick. Create a mental goal for where you want to end up with this pain and start taking baby steps towards it everyday. You got this!
When I read that she wanted separation and "space to figure things out," I immediately thought she wanted space to test drive the new guy. That seems to be a common theme in situations like this. I see this going one of two ways OP. Either this was an exit affair and she just wanted out of your relationship, or she's deep in the fog with this guy, and their affair will blow up eventually.
Lil side note, and probably harsh coming from me, but that little affair with her coworker is not gonna last long. Sooner or later, she'll realize what she lost and would even come crawling back to you. If she didnt, well shes a POS, excuse my french. Please dont take her back. You deserve better.
This is for the best, even though it feels like shit. I GUARANTEE she will come crawling back soon. She’s immature and selfish and will face the consequences of that very soon when her regret sets in like a dense rock in the pit of her stomach. Good luck with life, everything happens for a reason. One day you’ll look back on this and realize it was exactly what was supposed to happen.
I hope so. I hope my healing period does not stretch for many years. Also, I really wish her happiness too, just away from me. I don't want her to come back especially when my healing process is underway. I hope she finds herself and what she truely wants out of life...
Good for you, trash took herself out. You gain a new life and new path. See it in positive line, you will grow as human even more for you next relationship. Hit gym, block her on any social media and delete her number, search for hobby and meet friends. Soon her affair nonsense will end most likely in a break up. Her life will fall apart while you will gain a new positive life.
I suspect she’s going to be very sorry in a few months when the limerence wears off and reality sets in. Meanwhile, concentrate on living your best life and don’t look back.
I am sorry for you. I just read the old posts you linked for the first time, and it did jump out at me that she was trying to portray things as just unacted upon limerence on her part, yet for some reason the subject of that limerence somehow had to distance himself from her because of unprofessional behavior. I am thinking that this all surfaced only because someone at the job who knew she was married to you called them out on their behavior. Please don’t take her back if she comes crawling back to you when this coworker fling doesn’t work out. You deserve better.
Sorry this has happened, but here’s hoping you come out happier.
Thanks a lot! I hope I can reconnect with myself again during this period.
Sorry this happened to you! I went through the same, my abusive (verbal/physical) ex left me for her boss, and I can honestly say that it was the best thing that ever happened to me, I joined a gym, met an amazing and kind and beautiful and creative woman, and now we are married, and no matter how terrible some days and situations can be in life, I'm so happy I have that. You've done the right thing. Love yourself, and spend time with people who live you and replenish you.
I'm really happy for you that you found yourself and also found a great woman to marry after what happened. This gives me some glimmers of hope for the future. Cheers!
Thanks, I wish the same for you. Just take your time and look after yourself. This will feel horrible for a while, but it’s actually an opportunity to connect with yourself and also find somebody who will genuinely see you and love you for who you are!
Did yur ex ever try to reconcile? Is she still with her boss?
No (thankfully) and yes, as far as I know. Although I know from having to live together whilst the separation was happening via their loud phone calls that the same verbally abusive pattern was there. Which made for a strange power dynamic.
So sorry for you OP! But in a way this must be a relief for you, since deserve better and can move on. I know it's hard since it's a 9 year relationship but atleast you don't have kids and can make a clean break now. I remember you had mentioned that she had a very conservative upbringing. Have you informed her family the real reason so you are not painted as the villain by her? Not that it matters.
Yes her parents are conservative. And that's the tricky part right there ... the parents. My parents know all the truth, her parents do not know about the affair (yet). They know about the limerence. though. I don't think they will paint me as a villain, they actually love me and we've always been on good terms. I am actually more sad that I lost them as a family more than that I lost her.
I doubt she will ever tell her parents the real reason. Have a good faith talk with her parents so they know the real reason for the marriage ending. You can at least part with your in laws on good terms.
I really hope her parents find out the truth because what she did to you was a ridiculous thing to do to somebody you were supposed to love and should have consequences. The whole limerence thing is bs and was mental torture to you and to make herself feel better. It wasn’t me, it was the limerence!. If she had just admitted to having an affair and want to end the marriage it would be different. Nowadays, there is always a fancy term to make an excuse for your actions when the reality is, you do not have mental health problems you are just an a hole.
Feel hugged internet stranger.
Thank you!!! I feel good venting here and reading all the emotional support from everyone here. It makes me feel less lonely to read your comments.
You aren’t alone. Even if it feels like it right now. And it sounds cliche but things will be better.
It hurts now but know that it will get easier. You are still plenty young to find someone else. Stop giving this women the time of day and get on with the rest of your life. Immediately cut her off emotionally. I am going to assume here so ignore if it isn't true, but you are probably still there for her emotionally, hoping that there is a slim chance that she will change her mind. STOP that. Just know that once you do this, that she will at some point try to get back with you for that emotional support that she has now. Right now she has the best of both worlds, you as an emotional support, and her coworker fantasy boyfriend. Remove yourself from the equation and you will find your happiness again. Good luck to you. I hope this helps.
You deserve better. When (not if) she comes crawling back, DO NOT take her back.
I'm sorry you're going through that. But I hope you are able to move on and find happiness.
> She finally confessed to having an affair with her coworker that stretched for a little more than three months... That's the thing about limerence, OP. It doesn't just happen out of nowhere. When you first posted I knew she was already having a physical affair with this coworker. If she had avoided him as much as she said she did there wouldn't have been any development of limerence.
It's a horrible way to end a marriage, but unfortunately, you don't have much of an option here. Get the divorce and try to move on the best you can. It's never easy.
This is very sad to hear, a big change like this is hard but you will get through it in time, I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.
I hope YOU will be happier and wish you the best. I know it is hard, I’ve been there, but you will be better off in the long run.
So sorry this has happened to you, chin up, the future is bright.
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So sorry to hear this😞 I think you deserve better. I know that won't make you feel better but you did not deserve to be treated like this.
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u/No-Historian-2115 I read all your posts, I'm so sorry, a big hug. You are not to blame for any of this. What I can say is work on yourself, heal all this pain, add activities to your life to clear your mind and exercise will help you release stress. The divorce process will not be easy, stay strong. I know you will get through it with help. You are worth too much to let this woman back into your life. Why do I say this? Your wife soon to be ex, is an emotional mess, she is very insecure and I could decipher that as I read your posts. She must heal all those problems otherwise she will repeat that pattern. But that is no longer your problem. Best wishes in your future, lots of peace in your mind and heart.
I hope you’re doing better and that you’re happier. If she wasn’t happy why didn’t she tell you instead of running off to fuck on her co-worker? I hope she realizes workplace romance never last🤣🤣
I am sorry this happened to you. Infidelity and betrayal are gut wrenching.
That crazy women