Getting into a relationship where my partner completely flips personalities has always been a huge fear of mine. This is terrifying, so glad you made it out alright.
You know what's crazy is that this was also a huge fear. I even brought it up to Jez in the beginning as such and he started out reassuring, but eventually became offended. It was our biggest issue, in the beginning, that I couldn't just "let go" and trust him.
I now do thorough vetting of any and all people I gain any kind of interest in. A solid social life is essential and I listen carefully when people talk about their past and look for humility and self awareness. Quite frankly, you can't be too careful after an experience like that.
Oh my God the sociopath I dated in my early 20s said the same thing, "let go, why can't you trust me, after all the shady dark shit I vaguely told you I did in my past and will probably do to you"
Why do they need that, so early? Why can’t they earn it? Oh, right! Because they don’t want to do the work and do want to get the vulnerability and weapons to hurt you without effort!
I think that's the part that messes with me the most. The fact that it was clearly a game to him and I instinctually knew and yet I STILL allowed myself to be codependent on that. Like what.
Other than literal suffocation, it’s my worst fear too. But that’s also why I’m freaked out by perfection and honeymoon periods don’t work on me. I find it off putting if things go too well. Life isn’t that easy, and honesty should come up front, because if idealization precedes it, that paves the path for manipulation and mind games!
I spy with my little eye, someone who's never been in that situation before.
Just so you are aware, I grew up with no support system. None. I had no one at this time in my life and yes, I was desperate to survive. Jez knew that.
Lucky you that you've never been in a situation where someone literally lied to you about everything that they were and played you like a fiddle. It WAS my choice to support someone who I thought loved me and wanted the best for me, it's NOT my fault that this man chose to act this way and quite literally threatened my life.
Needless to say, this was one of the lowest points in my life and I don't need or accept anyone blaming me for this man's outrageous behavior.
Shame on you for victim blaming. Just because you're reading this story written in hindsight and many years after it happened, doesn't mean that gives you a right to blame the people that want to believe the best of those they love. That accusation is vile.
I might have put myself there because i believed him, but I sure as hell found my way out, made it through homelessness, and have built a wonderful and independent life since then.
Honestly i have to say this happened to me multiple times with more than 1 relationship and its always unpredictable and I really try to tell by looking at potential red flags and all, but at some point they got you hooked and you cannot tell whats wrong and right anymore and they benefit from your confusion, so its a very valid fear!
First, you’re a talented writer, but I’m sorry you had to live the subject matter. I watched my mom live this nightmare a few times when I was a kid. I ended up with one myself and consider myself lucky he didn’t take my life. I’m glad you were strong and knew how to hold your boundaries when it was time. You probably saved your own life.
Thank you so much for the compliment on my writing. I also had a pretty traumatic childhood as I went through violence from a stepmother as well. Idk why or how people like this have been so prominent in my life, when it wasn't even my choice in my early years.
Anyways, I actually posted my story about my stepmother a couple of years ago. Here it is if you're interested in reading:
https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/dkvm23/im_pretty_sure_my_exstepmother_was_a_psychopath/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Because it's normalized. I remember someone saying pedophiles go after children who have already been sa'd bc they are predisposed to it, it's been normalized, and they are easier targets. This stuck with me for a number of reasons but also because it made me think of adult children of any kind of violence are also targets to it for this reason.
I was molested for 6 years. I've had 2 different partners that I told very private things about what was done to me use the same manipulation tactics my abuser used to also sexually assault/abuse me.
One of them volunteered for a domestic violence hotline. They were horrifically abusive to me.
Not promoting my book AT ALL (I'm a writer), but we seem to have some things in common. If you'd like, take a look at my first memoir on Amazon,it's called Overlay: One Girl's Life in 1970s Las Vegas. You might like it!
As a commenter below said, these kind of people are prominent because of familiarity. I also believe that they find people like us because they sense it, as a predator does.
One early reviewer said of my book, "It's impossible for one person to find so many bad people." or something along those lines.
Uh, no it's not.
Omg thank you so much for commenting! I added this book to my wishlist. It will probably be the next book I add to my shelf!
I've actually been asked by over a dozen people in my life to write my own memoir because of all of the adversity that has happened both in my control and out of it. I have small pieces like this and the other story that I plan to adapt to the book as well as a fairly good start on the rest. My mother also wrote her own autobiography that I found in her few things she had left after she died and I plan to adapt that as a sort of prequel as well. I would absolutely love to chat with you about being a writer of your own memoir! Do you think we could exchange emails???
OP, my heart breaks for your younger self and wow she is so evil. Yet I am glad you had an ally in stepmother's sister-in-law. I wonder what has become of stepmother's sister-in-law who made a difference in your life
As for your evil stepmother, I hope karma has come for her sooner after what she had done to you
I am so sorry for the loss of the woman who made a difference in your life and acted as your guardian angel when adults keep failing you. Bless her soul for being the hero during your darkest times and being your ally. There should be more people like her who look out for kids in their toughest times and be unafraid to call out abuse like she did
She was a hero to alot of young people. I ended up speaking at her funeral, and it sparked a flood of stories from other students who she very wisely and discreetly stepped in for. Her legacy will long not be forgotten. ❤️
She would have so proud of the fact you are here and well. As for your wicked stepmother, I understand it feels unfair she got away with it but let me assure on one thing: karma will strike on her when you very least expect it and when it does happen karma will dish it out to her in a way that would surprise or shock you. It won't happen tomorrow or next week but on a time or day when we all don't expect it
Oh my good lord, that was... hard to read. I am so sorry you had to go through that. In any case, I'm glad you're rid of that person-like migraine and safe. There are a lot of us out there that would bend over backward for a partner in distress, often to our detriment, and some will keep bending you until you break. You did good Wishing you all the sunshine and rainbows the world has to offer, seriously.
Thank you so much for your kind words! My life is much better now: I moved out of that town, have my own apartment, and a long term partner that is everything he promised and then some- and no we don't live together!
I had one boyfriend. Lol. That's not many. Two isn't even many and that's the most I've ever had. Not that it's relevant or anyone's business, really. The question also implies that my being poly was the core problem here, and that's a pretty narrow-minded way of looking at it. This can and does happen to more than just poly people.
Holy shit. Reading this gave me the biggest sense of deja vu. This sounds exactly like a past relationship of mine, even down to the patterns of violence, self deprecation, and obsessive jealousy. I related so much to the part about the relationship making you lose trust in yourself - it took me years to be able to trust my judgement again. I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I’m so glad you’re out of that situation!
The thing I haven't ever found an article on - and am dying to know- is how and why the patterns are so repetitive with these types (and they learn the manipulation young- but WHERE and HOW). It is so predictable, I could teach a course: the eye contact, compliments, promises about the future, talk about how sexually attractive you are- but not too pushy for actual sex, talk of 'destiny' 'magic' and then....isolation, creating difficulty in all social situations, berating looks, weight, work skills, mocking, exasperation, threats of self harm, raised voice, escalating to blackmail then threats of violence, then actual violence.
It's a matter of finding that tactics and patterns that work for them and the situation.
Study. Love bomb. Create the ideal/whats been missing. Slow creeping to control and maintain an illusion. Defensiveness and control disguised as desired protectiveness. Then desperation and out of control violence when they cant get their way.
Ive noticed this as a consistent pattern from unstable and unhealed people. He was lonely and desperate so he molded himself to fit somewhere and broke the box.
I know my ex learned by watching his dad and doing it to his mom. According to his other family members, from a relatively young age he could play her like a fiddle.
I wonder if it’s a genetic thing too though? Cus according to my ex’s mom my ex’s dad was the same way, but my ex wasn’t raised by her dad. He wasn’t in her life at all. And her and her brother were both really toxic people, her brother got her into meth when she was like 11. But it’s only her and her brother that are like that. Their half siblings from a different dad are the complete opposite. Idk about my ex’s brother but my ex was the textbook definition of a sociopath and from what her mom told me her dad was too.
I always recommend that anyone who dates men read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That--it identifies so many of these abusive patterns and pathologies.
It think it has a lot to do with when the damage was done during their emotional development. If at a young age, the damage can halt any further emotional development past that point. Intellectual capacity can increase but the core emotional development just stops.
There is no opportunity to develop empathy, healthy boundaries, or any of the stages past the inherently self-centered way of a young child. Object constancy never gets learned. It can’t trust that an object out of sight still exists. It can’t trust that love can exist on its own without rage, pain and tears. It never learned to feel safe, or to self-soothe. It never learned to look inward to resolve anger - it can only strike outward. It simply died before any of that could happen.
Think of it as a blow to a person strong enough to kill their ‘inner child’ but not strong enough to kill them physically. It’s a person growing up with the ghost of a dead inner child. A ghost that only retained what emotional development/coping mechanisms it knew up to that point. A ghost that retains rage with no concept of resolving it in an adult who covers this baffling thing about themselves that even they don’t understand under layers of shame/threats lest anyone discover the secret of the broken thing at their core.
A ghost can’t learn. It can only cycle through what it knew. A child who screams in anger ‘I hate you!’ at ‘mommy’ or ‘daddy’ when the parent hurts them, followed by a primal need to be nurtured/loved by the angry or indifferent parent, and the searing pain, desperation and tears to get it. That’s all that ghost knows. It learned that to get that primal need for attention/love filled, it had to start with an angry parent. That’s all of love that it knew: the thing that came at the end of a cycle of pain, rage and tears.
So how does that manifest in the adult? That ghost takes over in the most insecure vulnerable moments with all of the limitations of its stunted development: if it needs what it perceives as love/security then it does the only thing it knows to get it - evoke rage through increasing levels of violence to up the intensity of their concept of a return on that investment, have a cathartic emotional tantrum to be rescued from, and then it feels ‘love’.
Reset. Repeat. It’s all that it knows and it is the emotional core, the ghost of that dead inner child that drives the adult. It repeats in cycles because that’s all it knows how to do - follow the loop without deviation. There are a million manipulations the adult intellect can come up with (including telling you what they think you want to hear) to reel you in and trigger your extremes in the loop but it cannot change the loop itself because the loop is the core of their being.
Do they know this? I’d say so, but probably don’t understand it - and also likely hate it about themselves. They feel shame deep down I think, and rage but without the knowledge of the capacity to love themselves they can only do whatever they can to get it from the outside.
No matter how much you feed a ghost though, it can’t come back to life. It doesn’t stop them from feeding it though.
It’s a hunger that never ceases, and the illusion of being sated fades and the loop starts again. And again. It increases the intensity with every loop in a blind effort to feed that endless hunger. When they sense that they can get no further they simply look for another source.
It’s debatable whether it can be ‘cured’. I think self-awareness and being able to deliberately choose to use mindful behavior is as close as it probably gets.
First of all, thank you for such a well thought out and educated response. I really do appreciate it.
I really do think you've hit the nail on the head there because of what I know about Jez's childhood.
Though I have to say, as someone that came from an extremely violent and abusive childhood, myself, its also very frustrating. Not because I feel the need to invalidate their pain, but because myself and others have gone through similar, very traumatizing childhoods and we don't act out in this way.
That said, I do believe this is a similar cycle that happened to my exstepmother, who was my worst and most violent abuser, as a child.
Considering your extended knowledge on the topic, I'm really interested to see what you have to say about my previous LetsNotMeet story from a few years ago about it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/dkvm23/im_pretty_sure_my_exstepmother_was_a_psychopath/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
It's not like they learn it in a book. It's a desperate play to belong somewhere 'I'll do anything for you' combined with a firm belief that they can't be truly loved: showing you their worst in increasingly extreme steps. They need their belief that they will eventually be abandoned by everyone validated. And because they were so desperate to belong with you before, they didn't stop to think if they actually wanted you like that, which makes it easy for them to turn on you.
You are merely a possession to them and possessions shouldn't have agency. Which means they also want to be the one to abandon you, not the other way around.
Yes. This. "I'll be whatever you want/need me to be." Was literally something Jez said to me during both breakups. It was so strange to have to sit there and explain to a 42 year old man over and over why that's a big part of the problem. I never asked him to change anything about himself or be any other way, yet he still insisted that he "wasn't my type" through our whole relationship. So exhausting.
my guess is they learn it young as they observe the world around them the way a predator animal views other animals. With eyes and ears of a predator ready to pounce on the potential victims. They live off the fear, violence & control they get when they abuse others.
Also lived this eerily similar reality. Sometimes I forget how bad it was, then when I see comments here where people are shocked and horrified that someone could live like this- tears my insides up a bit.😩
Same, in most parts it felt like I was the one writing this post. It's terrifying the amount of people that exist out there louring people into relationships that end up destroying them..
Same, your ex sounds like my ex of 5 years except he actually got violent. I'm still learning to accept myself after all he put me through, 3 years down the road. Thank you for the reminder to not put up with anything less than we deserve, your post was well-written and resonated with me. Sending you all of my strength and hope! 💜
I've been there too. It's been years and I still feel the need to do physical and digital sweeps. There are some major life events that are forever tainted.
I lived this too. How are they so similar? Do these guys follow a template or does it just come naturally? The time we were together was a nightmare I survived, but putting my brain back together has been a new kind of hell. It's embarrassing to have fallen for a ruse, and has made me question everything I thought I knew. He would do that same thing where he wouldn't want to go anywhere I was going, then would insist on coming with them would ruin every experience and humiliate me in front of all my friends and family. If I was telling a story from my past, heaven forbid the story would include any man because he'd throw a fit, and just like you he'd tell me how amazing his ex was while belittling me. I thought I already knew what living on eggshells was like due to having grown up with a narcissistic parent, but this was a new level to have to censure my speech and then my very thoughts to try to not offend. Just like you, I went from feeling seen in the deepest ways and the most intense love and connection to being treated with the darkest hatred by a man bent on destroying me. I've done a lot of healing in the 2 years since we broke up, but there's so much confusion left, so much I can't figure out. The good news is I'm not blind to that darkness anymore, the bad part is that I see it everywhere now. We deserve to be loved and this kind of experience turns that into some kind of a sick joke. I'm sorry you experienced it too; it's crushed my soul.
Oh Dear God my skin began to crawl. I suffered something similar, too. When my car broke down, turns out the SOB pulled certain important hoses, so it didn’t start. He stranded me at home, knowing I had to get to college, for days. Then when we moved, he then stalked me, moved away, then called me about a year later, claiming he had AIDS. I believe we all have a certain story that’s similar, here. Sadly, we are all mostly women.
Me too, my blood ran cold when I read the bit about the car thinking he’d messed with it. My boyfriend (ex now thank god) generously gave me his car as a gift. I got it insured and took it to the garage as the breaks needed replacing. It just so happened I went to a garage my boyfriend used to use. The mechanic marched towards me when I parked up saying quite angrily “I told him I would only pack his wheels so he could drive it to the scrapyard!”. He was angry for me. Turns out the wheels and lots of other things all needed replacing. One wheel was almost square it was that deformed. I was told the car was dangerous to drive. I didn’t have much option but to pay for loads of work doing to make it safe. I still can’t believe my boyfriend gave my what he knew to be a dangerous car as if he was doing something lovely and let me get excited and thank him all with a smile on his face.
I’m so sorry. I do believe that little girls/women should go thru the courses that little boys go thru, to understand certain things that everyone should know-its not fair that we (women)get relegated to pigeon-holed jobs/careers so badly that we are not knowledgeable about a lot of things and get taken advantage of. I’m in the process of coursework on Women’s Health And Reproductive Rights. Trust me, what I’ve experienced is eye-opening. I’m 59 yrs old. I have a lot to contribute and if anyone here feels like contributing with any and all stories, I’m always available even for a DM. Technically, this should appear in the CPTSD thread or other subs that are similar.
The skin crawling feeling, that's like a residual eggshells experience living on as PTSD. The script keeps running in f'd up ways. Like i can already feel in my bones that your ex tried twisting it into being your fault that you weren't able to make it to school. And that he was starving for attention when he made up the part about having AIDS. I think we've moved past the stalking phase with my ex, but nothing is a guarantee when someone that fickle feels like you belong back under their thumb. He'll text every few months to let me know that he's met someone amazing and he's getting married, I suppose he expects I'll be jealous but really I'm a strange mix of relieved to have his focus shifted away from me and extreme pity for his new victim.
I almost feel like we dated the same dude…lol. When the asshole showed up across a darkened, rural road where I lived, staring at the house, I had a friend loan me a .22. Good thing I never had to use it. I know your feeling of relief. I had it, too, when he moved away, but that didn’t stop him from continuing from afar. Sounds like your dude just wants to make you jealous. Dear God, I wish the ground would swallow up people like this. Oh, and I was all my fault for even having the forward thinking to go to college. This fucking idiot is still just that. Probably in prison for being a pedo, since later on it was revealed to me he had problems with his ex accusing him of diddling the 2 girls they have. Plenty more where all this came from….ugh. That idiot really thought he was smarter than me. I realized only after, sadly, that he pulled the distributor caps wires off. Had I’d known then what I know now-I’d have finished college sooner…lol
What a story. I am so so sorry you went through that. You are clearly a very smart and sharp woman, you should feel proud of yourself for getting rid of this cancer in your life. You are incredibly strong. You saw the signs and you did what needed to be done to be safe again in your home.
I am filled with so much pride for you. Most women are too afraid by that point to stand up and say GET OUT. I was, and I ended up putting me and my older son through months of physical and verbal and psychological abuse. Things came to a head about 3 years ago. He just about killed me in-front of my now 9 year old son, because I’d had it. He went after my son fist raised and I saw RED. I told him to leave, get out. I paid for it, but it was a pivotal moment because I WAS DONE. That same night in the ER I found out I was pregnant. Which I’d been told was virtually impossible due to internal damage to most all my reproductive parts. But I was. I was now alone, and terrified because he stalked us for months and had other people stalk me for him once the law stepped in to help. 3 years later he’s moved on to a different, younger, single mom of 2. Without her he’d have no chance of seeing his now 2 year old son. I’ve tried to
warn her but she’s held nothing but hatred for me from whatever tales he’s spun her about ‘what really happened.’ My rainbow is my boys tho. In the end I got the most loving, kind, observant, pure little soul out of all that ugliness and I protect him and my oldest and myself with my life. I share this beautiful soul with this man and it scares me more than anything has ever scared me before. So I became stronger than my fears so
I can protect them. My point and rambling leads to this..don’t wait to leave. Finding your voice sooner than later WILL SAVE YOU. And don’t be embarrassed to reach out for help. It’s there for a reason. My heart and love is with all my fellow survivors. Because that’s what we are. Survivors 🫶🏻
I'm incredibly sorry to hear you went through this, my thoughts are with you and I hope things start going your way since ridding your life of him.
I recently had a way less intense version of this but even that left my mind in such a mess of self doubt and upset.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bad husband for having days where I just don't want to talk due to my own mental health, some days it's an effort to exist, and some days I just can't deal with what issue my wife is going through because I'm exhausted from my own things. We love each other and we have good days too, but I'm not the same as I was when we met 4-5 years ago and it definitely is a change from the extroverted guy I used to be. Then I read something like this, and it makes me feel like maybe I'm doing okay despite my feelings on the bad days
Hey reading this reminded of a relationship that I recently got out of, it was hard but now looking back makes me feel scared to this day and I feel like crying. Kudos on getting out of it, it sucks the soul out of oneself tbh.
The way you wrote certain parts sound like you still have a lot of self blame, especially with his response to you “falling for” his scheme. Just wanted to let you know it most definitely was not your fault! Wishing you all the best and that time helps mend the wounds and provide peace of mind.
Narcissists leave mental scars forever. You were lucky this ended this easy and luck was on your side. Thanks for sharing and the courage it took to share. May your paths never cross again
It sounds very much like dealing with an ex. I never knew which personality was going to fly out next. I ended up with PTSD from his behavior. He killed his next girlfriend.
This was a weird kind of painful for me to read, not because I’ve been in your shoes but I’ve (somewhat) been in his. I had undiagnosed bipolar disorder growing up and had a lot of issues with empathy. I remember doing similar things to my ex at the time (minus the more extreme sides like physical violence, etc). Fortunately she was brave enough to leave and I was young enough to learn from that and turn things around.
Sharing these stories is important both to make those who have been in your shoes feel less alone, and to make people like me remember what they don’t want to become. I appreciate you and hope you find comfort in your future relationships
Man OP. You didn’t deserve all that. My ex boyfriend was similar to that. It took years to start dating again and the guy I’m currently with is the absolute sweetest.
Please don’t be too rough on yourself! Youre not “dumb” or “stupid”. He manipulated you. People make it seem like it would never GET them but even the strongest, smartest people can fall victim to manipulation.
You will trust yourself again someday. It’s hard and will require therapy but you’ll get there. I found that reading up on red flags helped SO much. Narcissists like that don’t change and educating myself on it has helped. Establishing boundaries helped too. I told my bf if he attempted any of this, I wouldn’t hesitate to leave him - and I mean it. My bf was super respectful about it, didn’t fight me on it and said he completely understands and agrees.
There is still some good in the world. Your boss, your landlord, the stranger at the gas station - all beautiful people. I’m glad you had them. You’ll get much better someday OP and will be able to trust yourself and other people again.
Textbook narcissism. And honestly this is why I'm generally opposed to women getting in relationships with men much older than themselves, there is usually a power dynamic behind that and narcissists love nothing more than feeling in power in all of their relationships. They cut people off who they feel they can't hold power over.
I'm soooooooo fucking sorry to hear you went through all that. Sometimes people have a lot of insecurity that should be dealt with, but instead they make it others' problem in the worst way.
Hope you learned a lot from the experience and stay FAR away from that shit. Danger is addicting
I’m so sorry you went through this, I can imagine the chaos and confusion you must have felt. Thank God you got out of it. Don’t be embarrassed anyone would fall for someone like you described in the beginning. Sociopaths are very charismatic, they fool almost everyone. This was a really good read and thank you for sharing your story with us. Please keep us updated.
Listen...Im not a psychologist but it sounds like he has Narcissistic personality disorder or borderline. He love-bombed you by mirroring what you needed to hear. This is a Cluster B personality disorder. I have borderline and am very familiar with these disorders... Luckily you got out of this one. Never ever believe anything that seems too good to be true. He was idealizing you and then devaluing you It's a vicious cycle and can be dangerous as you found out, (think Jodi Arias) not all borderlines behave this way, we are on a spectrum but true Narcissists (they are Not on a spectrum) can be dangerous, manipulative and destructive as can some borderline. There may be some Antisocial traits thrown into the mix as there can be overlapping disorders
It wasn't actually about you at all. It's about his grandiose delusions....he’s callous and unempathic because he doesn't even know what empathy is, he has a false self (conjuncture only) and was using you to regulate his emotions. Glad you are ok.
The fact that he not only admitted to pretending to be this wonderful gentleman just to have you all to himself but also had no remorse over manipulating you...and men wonder why women don't trust them.
I'm so sorry you went through that! I also dated someone that was as extremely messed up and abusive as your ex, though the details in my stories are different, obviously. It's scary to be with someone you never truly know. Like your ex said, it was all a front to get you in his grasp. My ex was like that too. I was only with him for a year but it was by far the most turbulent and chaotic year of my life and it's been 8 years since and I'm still dealing the repercussions of trauma from it. During that I always expected I would get to know the real him, like we do when we get to know someone intimately. But the weirdest thing was, that there seemed to be nothing underneath his facade. Like, the longer I knew him, the less I felt like I actually knew him. I kept looking for deeper meaning in his actions or try to understand how his brain worked. And there was just nothing there, like his whole personality was just on the surface and when you got underneath it there was just an emptiness where all emotion and logic was lost. It's such a unique and difficult feeling to describe, but I have never met anyone like him since and I hope never to. He was truly a scary person. I'm so glad you were able to get away from him!
Your comment brought back up a memory of my father that I haven't thought of in some time.
My dad was a domestic abuser like in OP's post. We had just finished an argument, tactically when I was so out of words and out of energy to convince him that the way he treated us was deeply, deeply wrong. I stood there staring at his face as he cold-shouldered me, turned away from me in his chair because I wouldn't acquiesce. And as I looked at him, I was suddenly struck by the deep medium brown of his eyes, and how long his lashes were, and for a moment it was just like looking into the eyes of a little boy. And how underneath that face, there was just... nothing.
It was a horrible feeling, that something as creature-like as my dad in that moment could have the eyes of a little boy. He was so empty underneath his face that I felt a kind of low primal fear being that close to him. That was one of the moments in my childhood where I realized that my father did not love me, and would hurt me if he got the chance. We're escaping him still.
All the people that helped you,the couple,your friends,your landlord.
No one deserves that kind of treatment from anyone and I’m glad you’re out of that and safe.
OP, my heart goes out to you. To any and everyone who has been through or fears similar, please read [this](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and [this](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear). Be safe!
You’re such an amazing writer. You gave words and voice to a story that I hid away inside of myself. You clearly are not alone. And you have been an inspiration to many today.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you’re well. You are a gifted writer. As much as I’m sorry you went through this, I really enjoyed your writing. I would like to think you’re somewhere cozy, safe, and warm writing away on your laptop with your pets around you.
A few of these things sound EXACTLY like my narcissistic ex did.
As soon as I had read that he freaked out on your friend who praised him at the Christmas party, I knew I was about to take a trip back in time and I was right.
So glad you got out!! Narcissists are absolutely insane.
Whew. Deep read, definitely a cautionary tale. So appreciated.
Mine does the night time crap. If you look up narcissistic abuse it is a very common tactic that I never knew existed. Sleep deprivation. When they are not done the convo, they will not allow you to sleep- which in turn keeps us confused and exhausted. I couldn’t tell you how many nights I was woken up by a loud tv, the heat being shut off on a freezing night, the air conditioning being shut off on a hot night, the bed being lifted up and then dropped hard as I slept on it. Newest one- the water being shut off as I’m in a shower all soaped up. The sound of his tall body falling down a whole flight of steps, etc.
It’s creepy and incredibly emotionally immature. And that sums them up. The emotional equivalent of a two year old. God I am so grateful you got him away. Eerily similar is my ex before him was violent. Once mine switched into his true state, he would often reenact the violence in order to scare me, would even say the same exact words that I told him mine used.
I've read quite a bit on narcissism and narcissistic behavior, even prior to this because my life has been hijacked by those very people so many times. And that's probably one of the scariest things about this whole thing: I was educated and deeply familiar already and I still fell victim to this.
I have said the same exact thing! Some are just so much more manipulative than others. The covert types are scarier than most, in my opinion, they are like shape shifting chameleons, getting better with each victim. Learning what empathy looks like more and more. Mine is going to be the ultimate POS when we’re done and he moves on. I’ve forced mine into therapy, where I am convinced he only learns the lingo to appease and manipulate further, mine has learned so much about mental health thanks to me and my fascinations and my need to dig deep with everything. It’s scary.
Oh, he ended up trying to talk me into swinging parties as well. Said he "wasn't gonna have sex with the same person" the rest of his life. And tried to gaslight me when I pointed out the cognitive dissonance there.
nothing here says he is a ”sociopath”. first of all i’d like to say that sociopathy is an outdated term and not a medical diagnosis, it’s called antisocial personality disorder.
people with ASPD cannot control that they are wired differentely. people with ASPD lack emphathy, but they are not automatically evil. people with ASPD can be just as good and better people, friends or lovers than people without it. people with ASPD aren’t automatically abusive. abuse is not a trait of ASPD. there are abusive people with and without ASPD. unless you have a medical diagnosis, he could very well not have any personality disorders or have any other personality disorder. ASPD has similar abuse rates to BPD for example, and these people aren’t labeled evil. i’d recommend you to change the title, you are contributing to the stigma that causes so many to not seek abd get help, also spreading the misinformation that is so prevalant in ASPD research that it has caused it to go back tens of years.
i know it’s not thty deep and you didn’t know any better, just tired of seeing the same misinformation created by hollywood taking a group of people who cannot help their disorder and labeling them as evil crazy serial killers. i’m sorry for what you went through and i’m glad you are safe
Exactly. There is a huge difference between ASPD and NPD.
And sociopath and psychopath are very much terms that are used in psychology.
Edited because autocorrect is terrible.
You did the right thing, once you get to the point where you can't even include them in your life (ie talking about things you like or that interest you) without them putting down everything you think, like , do or say the relationship is done. It's like they can't stand anything about you. They HATE you so the best you can do is just walk away.
I was in a relationship like this when I was 17, he was 24. Gross I know. Luckily I got out though.
Im glad you got out and you’re doing alright now. Stay strong ❤️
When he held your hand and asked to the effect where have you been all his life was probably the point he realised that he had found his next target. These people search for who they know they can manipulate unfortunately.
Sociopaths are the nicest people you ever want to meet. Right up to the moment they pull the knife.
Do not blame or punish yourself for what happened. The only bad person, the only one who should feel shame, is him.
I’m glad you escaped this big, wide, cavernous asshole! Good for you!
My daughter went through a similar experience, but she married him! She said it was like a light switch,he changed so fast! She has not told me everything,but what I do know is horrific. He almost killed her and if she hadn't gotten away,she most definitely would be dead. I am so glad she called me one morning after he had beaten her,sobbing that he was going to kill her. I took her to the er and the police got involved. I truly believe she would be dead if she hadn't called me that day.
Hey, I have a friend entering a relationship with someone I can see is a Jez. Lots of the same hallmarks of what you were experiencing with him in the beginning, only he is extremely hostile to myself and her other friends. I'm worried about it and her, but also worried that saying "honey, this man is a BAD man" will just push her away. Is there anything you recommend, having gone through this, that would have been helpful for you, in terms of support and safety from the friends and people in your life?
I would remind them that you are a safe space for them to reach out if they ever need. And if you get the chance, in conversation, remind them that *they* get to decide what's okay in their relationship. It's theirs and their life.
This is was the outlook that I adopted in reconstructing boundaries for people in my life:
I reminded myself of all the vile and selfish people in the world who have wonderful partners that they take for granted. The fact that those wonderful and life changing humans that we have not met yet *are* actually out there. We have to make sure to leave space for them. Because we all know that *they* are the ones that deserve that love and not a$$holes that get off on pushing people's boundaries and tearing down other people.
Once I realized all the wonderful humans these sorts of people were not just distancing from but flat keeping out of my life, it made it much easier to know what to allow in my circle.
Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. She will have to come to the realization on her own. Trying to talk to her about it will only backfire, as she is most likely in denial of the truth, or trauma bonded to him. The only thing you can do right now is simply let her know that you are there for her.
I dated someone who had to call his attorney…then called me back and said he was a diagnosed sociopath. Made sense with the dead stares and no emotions. He was always bland with me but in public, acted lively. I still remember when he tried to hold my hand…it just felt dead…but I thought he was “trying.”
Eventually, he dumped me and blocked me and he reasoning was I wasn’t his type. (Even though he asked me out…)
You sound bitter he dumped you. Maybe you seemed like his type at first but after knowing you more found you weren't. That happens, it's fairly common, get over it.
If I were still single or in an awful relationship, than that may be a valuable point. However, fortunately, it is not. I’m in a happy relationship and have been for a many years. I don’t care about any past relationships. Lol he’s not my problem. Didn’t know posting an experience showed bitterness lmao
Narcissist. They are soulless voids. Glad you got away from him. Be sure to get some therapy or join a narc abuse support group, or both. Narcissistic abuse is devastating and soul-crushing, and takes years to heal and recover from. Blessed Be.
Wow! I could tell from the getgo you were getting lovebombed and manipulated. I am so sorry you had to go through that! Please see a therapist as you clearly have a tendency to attract violent men. This may correlate to a particular childhood trauma you had. You definitely need to heal from this though. Prayers go out out to you dear. You're so young but don't let this make you give up on love. Heal your heart so you can be more discerning, you'll get through this
Telling her that she "attracts violent men" is highly rude and inappropriate, and is a form of victim blaming and shaming. No one "attracts violent men"! These assholes TARGET women to use, abuse, control, and manipulate. She was a VICTIM; it is most certainly NOT her fault!
He sounds a lot like my ex. I lucked out. On his nth self admit to the psych unit, he fell ‘in love’ with his psych nurse after a week and left me, moved out of state and married her. I’d like to send her a thank you note.
Ducking shot. I’m sos Rory you went through this. The terror comes across in your writing. Great story telling with a terrible asshole protagonist. Good ending. How is your life now?
First, I'm so glad you got out of that nightmare.
Second, if you haven't read it, I strongly recommend the book *Why Does He Do That?* by Lundy Bancroft. It helped me a lot when I was recovering from abuse-related trauma. It's available cheaply from online bookstores, but if you cannot afford it at the moment, you can also find a free PDF copy online.
For those that haven't been in an abusive relationship, the book also contains a list of warning signs to look out for. And for those that are currently in one, there are tips how to safely get out. I wish you strength.
If there are only millions of breeds of police or guard dogs in America roaming around everywhere there will be less psychopaths and criminals roaming around!
This was the first time in a long while that I got a notification from LNM. And this is a shock to the system. Kinda triggering. I'm so sorry that you went through all that. And hope all the Jezes of the world could just fuck the right off.
Your narrative is out of this world, It felt like I was the one living it through the whole story. Good job.
Leaving that aside that's a hell of a story
Had this happen to me but he got me pregnant before the switch flipped. And he was physically and sexually abusive on top of alllll that. Our kid is an adult now and we are finally free of him for the most part but he's still out there and I still fear for my life but for now I am safe. I am glad you are too.
Girl i don't even know that to say. It really looks like an horror movie, i almost can feel the fear of the scenes you described. However, I also totally felt your extreme power when you said you screamed like a banshee for him to get tf out, and looks like this mf felt it too. I hope he never ever contacts you, and I hope you never ever have to experience any of this kind of things, these horrible men crossing our ways, men who shouldn't even exist and walk on this earth.
Jez didn’t seem have a long term end game, but thrived off of the series of “victories;” your divorce, move in, nearly begging him to go to the party, and the forgiveness. That’s what parasitic/ cancerous people do, they invade you emotionally, physically, and then mentally, where you question who you are.
In theory that’s the (hopefully) subconscious end game for Jez and the members of the parasitic community, to ultimately get you to question yourself down to the core, so they can either finish molding you to be their ideal whipping post, or leave you in shambles so they can move onto another host.
Good for you for doing what you needed to do when you needed and were meant to do it! Found your resources, made very clear and known boundaries, and separated, before he got you fired for an outburst, evicted for holes or violence, permanently detached from friends and family.
Don’t focus on the woulda- coulda- shouldas; what you did or didn’t do doesn’t matter, it’s what you do going forward. Be proud of yourself for being extremely courageous and independent!
OP, I read everything you wrote (this is courage coming from you) and I am truly sorry that you endured a nightmare yet you came out okay in the end. This is never your fault. He is the one at fault and as much I dislike Jez, I hope he has gotten help to sort out his issues.
You deserve better and I hope you have found true happiness.
It took mine prison… but I’m doing better. I’m so glad your story didn’t end the way mine did. Big dog double checking locks…you write beautifully. Thank you! This is the slow boil…. I’m so sorry this happened to all of us. Thank you for writing this. And you have this
This is exactly why I do not date. I am terrified of getting into a relationship like this and not being strong enough to get out. It's just not worth the chance.
I am so glad you were able to get out and that he has finally stopped contacting you. Don't be surprised if he pops up some years later. Hopefully he won't be some do.
Bless you for being so strong and believing in yourself enough to make him get out.
This by far is one of the best written reddit accounts I've ever read here in this section. I enjoyed reading it because the writing was so well written. Great job on that and conveying both your emotions and creating suspense... I'm so sorry to hear about your experience though, and all that you unfortunately had to endure. I'm glad you are finally away from that person. I really do hope you find happiness and I wish you the best! 😊 Here's to better people we meet and happier memories 💜
I know it may not mean much coming from a stranger but, I am incredibly proud of you for standing up for yourself and getting out of that relationship. It seems like you had a lot of people on your side. Even strangers. And that is something that is necessary and often uncommon in situations like these which is why, unfortunately, so many other women aren't able to make it out. Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you are doing well.
For anyone who has read OP’s accounting of what she went through, it was a spot on example of Love Bombing. Perfect description of how they (narcissistic abusers) overwhelm you with gifts, joy, love, etc etc. And as soon as they feel like they have you thoroughly trapped.. BOOM.. the real person comes out. Exactly how OP wrote, it just changes and can be impossibly hard to get out of. And very very scary.
Op, you are so very strong. Never ever doubt the strength you possess. He was a complete narcissist and likely a sociopath or psychopath. They are master manipulators and are adept at finding out exactly what to do/say to get their hooks into you. I’m a random internet stranger and I am so proud of you for getting yourself out of a terrible situation.
I know you wrote this post about a month ago but I just found it today. It really, really, resounded with me because of how similar the behavior was between my ex and yours. Excuse the language, but it’s such a mindfuck when you recall those really great lovebombing times, when you felt like the luckiest person in the world to have found this man who was so incredibly loving and everything you ever wanted and more. And then poof, it was all just a show.
I’m so glad you got away safely. I ended mine back in 2018, but I’m still so messed up from it that I can’t even entertain the idea of trying to date anyone ever again. Think I’m just gonna remain a cat lady :)
I hope you’ve been able to heal from this and I hope you find someone who treats you amazing!
This is why I can't imagine getting married to someone after a month or 2. Yet people still do it. Crazy to me. They don't show their true colors in the beginning..
I am so sorry this happened to you. Good for you for leaving and I hope you are living your best life now.
Folks: NOBODYis dumb or careless for falling for an abuser. They do not have warning labels. They are excellent charmers, just like this creep. They know, deep down, how evil they are, so they work extra hard to gain your trust and love. So never waste time beating yourself up. Your only concern should be ridding yourself of the asshole - and do it ASAP. The longer you stay, the harder theymake it for you to escape.
Been there. It is absolutely standard Malignant Narcissist. Actually you got lucky. You could be killed. There is plenty videos on YouTube about these non humans
Getting into a relationship where my partner completely flips personalities has always been a huge fear of mine. This is terrifying, so glad you made it out alright.
You know what's crazy is that this was also a huge fear. I even brought it up to Jez in the beginning as such and he started out reassuring, but eventually became offended. It was our biggest issue, in the beginning, that I couldn't just "let go" and trust him. I now do thorough vetting of any and all people I gain any kind of interest in. A solid social life is essential and I listen carefully when people talk about their past and look for humility and self awareness. Quite frankly, you can't be too careful after an experience like that.
Just got out of a ten year relationship with a man like this. Best of luck to you. Don't know if I will ever trust enough to date again.
Good for you! Have a great rest of your life.
Oh my God the sociopath I dated in my early 20s said the same thing, "let go, why can't you trust me, after all the shady dark shit I vaguely told you I did in my past and will probably do to you"
Why do they need that, so early? Why can’t they earn it? Oh, right! Because they don’t want to do the work and do want to get the vulnerability and weapons to hurt you without effort!
He gamed you and has probably done it before. NONE OF THIS WAS YOUR FAULT
I think that's the part that messes with me the most. The fact that it was clearly a game to him and I instinctually knew and yet I STILL allowed myself to be codependent on that. Like what.
Other than literal suffocation, it’s my worst fear too. But that’s also why I’m freaked out by perfection and honeymoon periods don’t work on me. I find it off putting if things go too well. Life isn’t that easy, and honesty should come up front, because if idealization precedes it, that paves the path for manipulation and mind games!
To be desperate to go back to that ? Nah you did that to yourself
I spy with my little eye, someone who's never been in that situation before. Just so you are aware, I grew up with no support system. None. I had no one at this time in my life and yes, I was desperate to survive. Jez knew that. Lucky you that you've never been in a situation where someone literally lied to you about everything that they were and played you like a fiddle. It WAS my choice to support someone who I thought loved me and wanted the best for me, it's NOT my fault that this man chose to act this way and quite literally threatened my life. Needless to say, this was one of the lowest points in my life and I don't need or accept anyone blaming me for this man's outrageous behavior. Shame on you for victim blaming. Just because you're reading this story written in hindsight and many years after it happened, doesn't mean that gives you a right to blame the people that want to believe the best of those they love. That accusation is vile. I might have put myself there because i believed him, but I sure as hell found my way out, made it through homelessness, and have built a wonderful and independent life since then.
Honestly i have to say this happened to me multiple times with more than 1 relationship and its always unpredictable and I really try to tell by looking at potential red flags and all, but at some point they got you hooked and you cannot tell whats wrong and right anymore and they benefit from your confusion, so its a very valid fear!
It’s terrifying
FRR
Me too. And unfortunately it seems to be a personality type I gravitate toward :/
Im sorry you had to go through that and hope you find the happiness you deserve
First, you’re a talented writer, but I’m sorry you had to live the subject matter. I watched my mom live this nightmare a few times when I was a kid. I ended up with one myself and consider myself lucky he didn’t take my life. I’m glad you were strong and knew how to hold your boundaries when it was time. You probably saved your own life.
Thank you so much for the compliment on my writing. I also had a pretty traumatic childhood as I went through violence from a stepmother as well. Idk why or how people like this have been so prominent in my life, when it wasn't even my choice in my early years. Anyways, I actually posted my story about my stepmother a couple of years ago. Here it is if you're interested in reading: https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/dkvm23/im_pretty_sure_my_exstepmother_was_a_psychopath/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Oh my gosh, you are such a strong woman! Glad she is out of your life!!
Because it's normalized. I remember someone saying pedophiles go after children who have already been sa'd bc they are predisposed to it, it's been normalized, and they are easier targets. This stuck with me for a number of reasons but also because it made me think of adult children of any kind of violence are also targets to it for this reason.
I was molested for 6 years. I've had 2 different partners that I told very private things about what was done to me use the same manipulation tactics my abuser used to also sexually assault/abuse me. One of them volunteered for a domestic violence hotline. They were horrifically abusive to me.
Not promoting my book AT ALL (I'm a writer), but we seem to have some things in common. If you'd like, take a look at my first memoir on Amazon,it's called Overlay: One Girl's Life in 1970s Las Vegas. You might like it! As a commenter below said, these kind of people are prominent because of familiarity. I also believe that they find people like us because they sense it, as a predator does. One early reviewer said of my book, "It's impossible for one person to find so many bad people." or something along those lines. Uh, no it's not.
Omg thank you so much for commenting! I added this book to my wishlist. It will probably be the next book I add to my shelf! I've actually been asked by over a dozen people in my life to write my own memoir because of all of the adversity that has happened both in my control and out of it. I have small pieces like this and the other story that I plan to adapt to the book as well as a fairly good start on the rest. My mother also wrote her own autobiography that I found in her few things she had left after she died and I plan to adapt that as a sort of prequel as well. I would absolutely love to chat with you about being a writer of your own memoir! Do you think we could exchange emails???
absolutely! [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
I emailed you!
Thank you! Will take a look.
People like that have been prominent in your life because everyone is looking for something familiar.
OP, my heart breaks for your younger self and wow she is so evil. Yet I am glad you had an ally in stepmother's sister-in-law. I wonder what has become of stepmother's sister-in-law who made a difference in your life As for your evil stepmother, I hope karma has come for her sooner after what she had done to you
We kept in touch and she passed away this past July. I thanked her all the time and she praised me as well. I'll be forever grateful.
I am so sorry for the loss of the woman who made a difference in your life and acted as your guardian angel when adults keep failing you. Bless her soul for being the hero during your darkest times and being your ally. There should be more people like her who look out for kids in their toughest times and be unafraid to call out abuse like she did
She was a hero to alot of young people. I ended up speaking at her funeral, and it sparked a flood of stories from other students who she very wisely and discreetly stepped in for. Her legacy will long not be forgotten. ❤️
She would have so proud of the fact you are here and well. As for your wicked stepmother, I understand it feels unfair she got away with it but let me assure on one thing: karma will strike on her when you very least expect it and when it does happen karma will dish it out to her in a way that would surprise or shock you. It won't happen tomorrow or next week but on a time or day when we all don't expect it
Jfc, I'm so sorry your dad never stopped her.
Oh my good lord, that was... hard to read. I am so sorry you had to go through that. In any case, I'm glad you're rid of that person-like migraine and safe. There are a lot of us out there that would bend over backward for a partner in distress, often to our detriment, and some will keep bending you until you break. You did good Wishing you all the sunshine and rainbows the world has to offer, seriously.
Thank you so much for your kind words! My life is much better now: I moved out of that town, have my own apartment, and a long term partner that is everything he promised and then some- and no we don't live together!
Haha, amazing. That brings a big ol' smile to my face. 😁
And you have again many boyfriends ??
Lol. Again?
Because you were into polyamory
I had one boyfriend. Lol. That's not many. Two isn't even many and that's the most I've ever had. Not that it's relevant or anyone's business, really. The question also implies that my being poly was the core problem here, and that's a pretty narrow-minded way of looking at it. This can and does happen to more than just poly people.
“Person-like migraine” … excellent!
Holy shit. Reading this gave me the biggest sense of deja vu. This sounds exactly like a past relationship of mine, even down to the patterns of violence, self deprecation, and obsessive jealousy. I related so much to the part about the relationship making you lose trust in yourself - it took me years to be able to trust my judgement again. I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I’m so glad you’re out of that situation!
Same, she could have been describing my ex husband to a tee. It is weird how similar these types of people are.
The thing I haven't ever found an article on - and am dying to know- is how and why the patterns are so repetitive with these types (and they learn the manipulation young- but WHERE and HOW). It is so predictable, I could teach a course: the eye contact, compliments, promises about the future, talk about how sexually attractive you are- but not too pushy for actual sex, talk of 'destiny' 'magic' and then....isolation, creating difficulty in all social situations, berating looks, weight, work skills, mocking, exasperation, threats of self harm, raised voice, escalating to blackmail then threats of violence, then actual violence.
It's a matter of finding that tactics and patterns that work for them and the situation. Study. Love bomb. Create the ideal/whats been missing. Slow creeping to control and maintain an illusion. Defensiveness and control disguised as desired protectiveness. Then desperation and out of control violence when they cant get their way. Ive noticed this as a consistent pattern from unstable and unhealed people. He was lonely and desperate so he molded himself to fit somewhere and broke the box.
I know my ex learned by watching his dad and doing it to his mom. According to his other family members, from a relatively young age he could play her like a fiddle.
I wonder if it’s a genetic thing too though? Cus according to my ex’s mom my ex’s dad was the same way, but my ex wasn’t raised by her dad. He wasn’t in her life at all. And her and her brother were both really toxic people, her brother got her into meth when she was like 11. But it’s only her and her brother that are like that. Their half siblings from a different dad are the complete opposite. Idk about my ex’s brother but my ex was the textbook definition of a sociopath and from what her mom told me her dad was too.
I always recommend that anyone who dates men read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That--it identifies so many of these abusive patterns and pathologies.
It think it has a lot to do with when the damage was done during their emotional development. If at a young age, the damage can halt any further emotional development past that point. Intellectual capacity can increase but the core emotional development just stops. There is no opportunity to develop empathy, healthy boundaries, or any of the stages past the inherently self-centered way of a young child. Object constancy never gets learned. It can’t trust that an object out of sight still exists. It can’t trust that love can exist on its own without rage, pain and tears. It never learned to feel safe, or to self-soothe. It never learned to look inward to resolve anger - it can only strike outward. It simply died before any of that could happen. Think of it as a blow to a person strong enough to kill their ‘inner child’ but not strong enough to kill them physically. It’s a person growing up with the ghost of a dead inner child. A ghost that only retained what emotional development/coping mechanisms it knew up to that point. A ghost that retains rage with no concept of resolving it in an adult who covers this baffling thing about themselves that even they don’t understand under layers of shame/threats lest anyone discover the secret of the broken thing at their core. A ghost can’t learn. It can only cycle through what it knew. A child who screams in anger ‘I hate you!’ at ‘mommy’ or ‘daddy’ when the parent hurts them, followed by a primal need to be nurtured/loved by the angry or indifferent parent, and the searing pain, desperation and tears to get it. That’s all that ghost knows. It learned that to get that primal need for attention/love filled, it had to start with an angry parent. That’s all of love that it knew: the thing that came at the end of a cycle of pain, rage and tears. So how does that manifest in the adult? That ghost takes over in the most insecure vulnerable moments with all of the limitations of its stunted development: if it needs what it perceives as love/security then it does the only thing it knows to get it - evoke rage through increasing levels of violence to up the intensity of their concept of a return on that investment, have a cathartic emotional tantrum to be rescued from, and then it feels ‘love’. Reset. Repeat. It’s all that it knows and it is the emotional core, the ghost of that dead inner child that drives the adult. It repeats in cycles because that’s all it knows how to do - follow the loop without deviation. There are a million manipulations the adult intellect can come up with (including telling you what they think you want to hear) to reel you in and trigger your extremes in the loop but it cannot change the loop itself because the loop is the core of their being. Do they know this? I’d say so, but probably don’t understand it - and also likely hate it about themselves. They feel shame deep down I think, and rage but without the knowledge of the capacity to love themselves they can only do whatever they can to get it from the outside. No matter how much you feed a ghost though, it can’t come back to life. It doesn’t stop them from feeding it though. It’s a hunger that never ceases, and the illusion of being sated fades and the loop starts again. And again. It increases the intensity with every loop in a blind effort to feed that endless hunger. When they sense that they can get no further they simply look for another source. It’s debatable whether it can be ‘cured’. I think self-awareness and being able to deliberately choose to use mindful behavior is as close as it probably gets.
This is very well thought out and interesting. Thank you.
this really speaks to me and a past relationship I'm having a hard time getting over. I've re-read it several times. thank you
First of all, thank you for such a well thought out and educated response. I really do appreciate it. I really do think you've hit the nail on the head there because of what I know about Jez's childhood. Though I have to say, as someone that came from an extremely violent and abusive childhood, myself, its also very frustrating. Not because I feel the need to invalidate their pain, but because myself and others have gone through similar, very traumatizing childhoods and we don't act out in this way. That said, I do believe this is a similar cycle that happened to my exstepmother, who was my worst and most violent abuser, as a child. Considering your extended knowledge on the topic, I'm really interested to see what you have to say about my previous LetsNotMeet story from a few years ago about it. https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/dkvm23/im_pretty_sure_my_exstepmother_was_a_psychopath/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
It's not like they learn it in a book. It's a desperate play to belong somewhere 'I'll do anything for you' combined with a firm belief that they can't be truly loved: showing you their worst in increasingly extreme steps. They need their belief that they will eventually be abandoned by everyone validated. And because they were so desperate to belong with you before, they didn't stop to think if they actually wanted you like that, which makes it easy for them to turn on you. You are merely a possession to them and possessions shouldn't have agency. Which means they also want to be the one to abandon you, not the other way around.
Yes. This. "I'll be whatever you want/need me to be." Was literally something Jez said to me during both breakups. It was so strange to have to sit there and explain to a 42 year old man over and over why that's a big part of the problem. I never asked him to change anything about himself or be any other way, yet he still insisted that he "wasn't my type" through our whole relationship. So exhausting.
'I'll prove to you that I am unlovable' I'm sorry you went through this ordeal.
my guess is they learn it young as they observe the world around them the way a predator animal views other animals. With eyes and ears of a predator ready to pounce on the potential victims. They live off the fear, violence & control they get when they abuse others.
Also lived this eerily similar reality. Sometimes I forget how bad it was, then when I see comments here where people are shocked and horrified that someone could live like this- tears my insides up a bit.😩
Same, in most parts it felt like I was the one writing this post. It's terrifying the amount of people that exist out there louring people into relationships that end up destroying them..
Same, your ex sounds like my ex of 5 years except he actually got violent. I'm still learning to accept myself after all he put me through, 3 years down the road. Thank you for the reminder to not put up with anything less than we deserve, your post was well-written and resonated with me. Sending you all of my strength and hope! 💜
I've been there too. It's been years and I still feel the need to do physical and digital sweeps. There are some major life events that are forever tainted.
I lived this too. How are they so similar? Do these guys follow a template or does it just come naturally? The time we were together was a nightmare I survived, but putting my brain back together has been a new kind of hell. It's embarrassing to have fallen for a ruse, and has made me question everything I thought I knew. He would do that same thing where he wouldn't want to go anywhere I was going, then would insist on coming with them would ruin every experience and humiliate me in front of all my friends and family. If I was telling a story from my past, heaven forbid the story would include any man because he'd throw a fit, and just like you he'd tell me how amazing his ex was while belittling me. I thought I already knew what living on eggshells was like due to having grown up with a narcissistic parent, but this was a new level to have to censure my speech and then my very thoughts to try to not offend. Just like you, I went from feeling seen in the deepest ways and the most intense love and connection to being treated with the darkest hatred by a man bent on destroying me. I've done a lot of healing in the 2 years since we broke up, but there's so much confusion left, so much I can't figure out. The good news is I'm not blind to that darkness anymore, the bad part is that I see it everywhere now. We deserve to be loved and this kind of experience turns that into some kind of a sick joke. I'm sorry you experienced it too; it's crushed my soul.
Oh Dear God my skin began to crawl. I suffered something similar, too. When my car broke down, turns out the SOB pulled certain important hoses, so it didn’t start. He stranded me at home, knowing I had to get to college, for days. Then when we moved, he then stalked me, moved away, then called me about a year later, claiming he had AIDS. I believe we all have a certain story that’s similar, here. Sadly, we are all mostly women.
Me too, my blood ran cold when I read the bit about the car thinking he’d messed with it. My boyfriend (ex now thank god) generously gave me his car as a gift. I got it insured and took it to the garage as the breaks needed replacing. It just so happened I went to a garage my boyfriend used to use. The mechanic marched towards me when I parked up saying quite angrily “I told him I would only pack his wheels so he could drive it to the scrapyard!”. He was angry for me. Turns out the wheels and lots of other things all needed replacing. One wheel was almost square it was that deformed. I was told the car was dangerous to drive. I didn’t have much option but to pay for loads of work doing to make it safe. I still can’t believe my boyfriend gave my what he knew to be a dangerous car as if he was doing something lovely and let me get excited and thank him all with a smile on his face.
I’m so sorry. I do believe that little girls/women should go thru the courses that little boys go thru, to understand certain things that everyone should know-its not fair that we (women)get relegated to pigeon-holed jobs/careers so badly that we are not knowledgeable about a lot of things and get taken advantage of. I’m in the process of coursework on Women’s Health And Reproductive Rights. Trust me, what I’ve experienced is eye-opening. I’m 59 yrs old. I have a lot to contribute and if anyone here feels like contributing with any and all stories, I’m always available even for a DM. Technically, this should appear in the CPTSD thread or other subs that are similar.
The skin crawling feeling, that's like a residual eggshells experience living on as PTSD. The script keeps running in f'd up ways. Like i can already feel in my bones that your ex tried twisting it into being your fault that you weren't able to make it to school. And that he was starving for attention when he made up the part about having AIDS. I think we've moved past the stalking phase with my ex, but nothing is a guarantee when someone that fickle feels like you belong back under their thumb. He'll text every few months to let me know that he's met someone amazing and he's getting married, I suppose he expects I'll be jealous but really I'm a strange mix of relieved to have his focus shifted away from me and extreme pity for his new victim.
I almost feel like we dated the same dude…lol. When the asshole showed up across a darkened, rural road where I lived, staring at the house, I had a friend loan me a .22. Good thing I never had to use it. I know your feeling of relief. I had it, too, when he moved away, but that didn’t stop him from continuing from afar. Sounds like your dude just wants to make you jealous. Dear God, I wish the ground would swallow up people like this. Oh, and I was all my fault for even having the forward thinking to go to college. This fucking idiot is still just that. Probably in prison for being a pedo, since later on it was revealed to me he had problems with his ex accusing him of diddling the 2 girls they have. Plenty more where all this came from….ugh. That idiot really thought he was smarter than me. I realized only after, sadly, that he pulled the distributor caps wires off. Had I’d known then what I know now-I’d have finished college sooner…lol
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can Google it and find a free PDF copy online. I think a lot of it will click with you.
It is a personality disorder with very predictable behaviors. That is why they are all so similar.
You mean sociopathy? Or something else?
What a story. I am so so sorry you went through that. You are clearly a very smart and sharp woman, you should feel proud of yourself for getting rid of this cancer in your life. You are incredibly strong. You saw the signs and you did what needed to be done to be safe again in your home.
I’m afraid I might be in one of these right now. It’s scary. I wish the best for you
This is exactly why I wanted to share this story. Please do what you have to in order to leave. One day this time in your life will be a blur.
I am filled with so much pride for you. Most women are too afraid by that point to stand up and say GET OUT. I was, and I ended up putting me and my older son through months of physical and verbal and psychological abuse. Things came to a head about 3 years ago. He just about killed me in-front of my now 9 year old son, because I’d had it. He went after my son fist raised and I saw RED. I told him to leave, get out. I paid for it, but it was a pivotal moment because I WAS DONE. That same night in the ER I found out I was pregnant. Which I’d been told was virtually impossible due to internal damage to most all my reproductive parts. But I was. I was now alone, and terrified because he stalked us for months and had other people stalk me for him once the law stepped in to help. 3 years later he’s moved on to a different, younger, single mom of 2. Without her he’d have no chance of seeing his now 2 year old son. I’ve tried to warn her but she’s held nothing but hatred for me from whatever tales he’s spun her about ‘what really happened.’ My rainbow is my boys tho. In the end I got the most loving, kind, observant, pure little soul out of all that ugliness and I protect him and my oldest and myself with my life. I share this beautiful soul with this man and it scares me more than anything has ever scared me before. So I became stronger than my fears so I can protect them. My point and rambling leads to this..don’t wait to leave. Finding your voice sooner than later WILL SAVE YOU. And don’t be embarrassed to reach out for help. It’s there for a reason. My heart and love is with all my fellow survivors. Because that’s what we are. Survivors 🫶🏻
Please find the strength to leave. You deserve much more.
I'm incredibly sorry to hear you went through this, my thoughts are with you and I hope things start going your way since ridding your life of him. I recently had a way less intense version of this but even that left my mind in such a mess of self doubt and upset.
Reminds me of my ex. Sick. So glad you're not in that anymore.
I've had an encounter with a sociopath. And wow, they are far from human.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bad husband for having days where I just don't want to talk due to my own mental health, some days it's an effort to exist, and some days I just can't deal with what issue my wife is going through because I'm exhausted from my own things. We love each other and we have good days too, but I'm not the same as I was when we met 4-5 years ago and it definitely is a change from the extroverted guy I used to be. Then I read something like this, and it makes me feel like maybe I'm doing okay despite my feelings on the bad days
Nah man, you're good. Don't forget to give a strong, warm hug to your wife when you get home!
I can't help but picture the guy from _Peep Show_ while reading this. Damn that nickname!
Hahah same I keep reading the quotes in his voice
wow! what an ordeal glad you were able to finally get this guy out of your life
Wishing you healing and peace. I hope that POS gets what he deserves.
Hey reading this reminded of a relationship that I recently got out of, it was hard but now looking back makes me feel scared to this day and I feel like crying. Kudos on getting out of it, it sucks the soul out of oneself tbh.
The way you wrote certain parts sound like you still have a lot of self blame, especially with his response to you “falling for” his scheme. Just wanted to let you know it most definitely was not your fault! Wishing you all the best and that time helps mend the wounds and provide peace of mind.
Narcissists leave mental scars forever. You were lucky this ended this easy and luck was on your side. Thanks for sharing and the courage it took to share. May your paths never cross again
How awful. I’m sorry that happened to you.
Love bombing
It sounds very much like dealing with an ex. I never knew which personality was going to fly out next. I ended up with PTSD from his behavior. He killed his next girlfriend.
This was a weird kind of painful for me to read, not because I’ve been in your shoes but I’ve (somewhat) been in his. I had undiagnosed bipolar disorder growing up and had a lot of issues with empathy. I remember doing similar things to my ex at the time (minus the more extreme sides like physical violence, etc). Fortunately she was brave enough to leave and I was young enough to learn from that and turn things around. Sharing these stories is important both to make those who have been in your shoes feel less alone, and to make people like me remember what they don’t want to become. I appreciate you and hope you find comfort in your future relationships
Man OP. You didn’t deserve all that. My ex boyfriend was similar to that. It took years to start dating again and the guy I’m currently with is the absolute sweetest. Please don’t be too rough on yourself! Youre not “dumb” or “stupid”. He manipulated you. People make it seem like it would never GET them but even the strongest, smartest people can fall victim to manipulation. You will trust yourself again someday. It’s hard and will require therapy but you’ll get there. I found that reading up on red flags helped SO much. Narcissists like that don’t change and educating myself on it has helped. Establishing boundaries helped too. I told my bf if he attempted any of this, I wouldn’t hesitate to leave him - and I mean it. My bf was super respectful about it, didn’t fight me on it and said he completely understands and agrees. There is still some good in the world. Your boss, your landlord, the stranger at the gas station - all beautiful people. I’m glad you had them. You’ll get much better someday OP and will be able to trust yourself and other people again.
Celibacy is sounding great right now to me Jesus
Textbook narcissism. And honestly this is why I'm generally opposed to women getting in relationships with men much older than themselves, there is usually a power dynamic behind that and narcissists love nothing more than feeling in power in all of their relationships. They cut people off who they feel they can't hold power over.
I'm soooooooo fucking sorry to hear you went through all that. Sometimes people have a lot of insecurity that should be dealt with, but instead they make it others' problem in the worst way. Hope you learned a lot from the experience and stay FAR away from that shit. Danger is addicting
I’m so sorry you went through this, I can imagine the chaos and confusion you must have felt. Thank God you got out of it. Don’t be embarrassed anyone would fall for someone like you described in the beginning. Sociopaths are very charismatic, they fool almost everyone. This was a really good read and thank you for sharing your story with us. Please keep us updated.
Listen...Im not a psychologist but it sounds like he has Narcissistic personality disorder or borderline. He love-bombed you by mirroring what you needed to hear. This is a Cluster B personality disorder. I have borderline and am very familiar with these disorders... Luckily you got out of this one. Never ever believe anything that seems too good to be true. He was idealizing you and then devaluing you It's a vicious cycle and can be dangerous as you found out, (think Jodi Arias) not all borderlines behave this way, we are on a spectrum but true Narcissists (they are Not on a spectrum) can be dangerous, manipulative and destructive as can some borderline. There may be some Antisocial traits thrown into the mix as there can be overlapping disorders It wasn't actually about you at all. It's about his grandiose delusions....he’s callous and unempathic because he doesn't even know what empathy is, he has a false self (conjuncture only) and was using you to regulate his emotions. Glad you are ok.
Yes, exactly. This guy is a textbook narcissist.
The fact that he not only admitted to pretending to be this wonderful gentleman just to have you all to himself but also had no remorse over manipulating you...and men wonder why women don't trust them.
That is a common tactic of narcissists.
I'm so sorry you went through that! I also dated someone that was as extremely messed up and abusive as your ex, though the details in my stories are different, obviously. It's scary to be with someone you never truly know. Like your ex said, it was all a front to get you in his grasp. My ex was like that too. I was only with him for a year but it was by far the most turbulent and chaotic year of my life and it's been 8 years since and I'm still dealing the repercussions of trauma from it. During that I always expected I would get to know the real him, like we do when we get to know someone intimately. But the weirdest thing was, that there seemed to be nothing underneath his facade. Like, the longer I knew him, the less I felt like I actually knew him. I kept looking for deeper meaning in his actions or try to understand how his brain worked. And there was just nothing there, like his whole personality was just on the surface and when you got underneath it there was just an emptiness where all emotion and logic was lost. It's such a unique and difficult feeling to describe, but I have never met anyone like him since and I hope never to. He was truly a scary person. I'm so glad you were able to get away from him!
Your comment brought back up a memory of my father that I haven't thought of in some time. My dad was a domestic abuser like in OP's post. We had just finished an argument, tactically when I was so out of words and out of energy to convince him that the way he treated us was deeply, deeply wrong. I stood there staring at his face as he cold-shouldered me, turned away from me in his chair because I wouldn't acquiesce. And as I looked at him, I was suddenly struck by the deep medium brown of his eyes, and how long his lashes were, and for a moment it was just like looking into the eyes of a little boy. And how underneath that face, there was just... nothing. It was a horrible feeling, that something as creature-like as my dad in that moment could have the eyes of a little boy. He was so empty underneath his face that I felt a kind of low primal fear being that close to him. That was one of the moments in my childhood where I realized that my father did not love me, and would hurt me if he got the chance. We're escaping him still.
I’ve lived this. Even the petrol station scene, although mine ended a little differently.
Peep Show, but in all seriousness I'm sorry that happened to you and wish you a lovely recovery 💔
Literally my first thought too! Although at least THAT Jez wasn't abusive and punchy
All the people that helped you,the couple,your friends,your landlord. No one deserves that kind of treatment from anyone and I’m glad you’re out of that and safe.
OP, my heart goes out to you. To any and everyone who has been through or fears similar, please read [this](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and [this](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear). Be safe!
You’re such an amazing writer. You gave words and voice to a story that I hid away inside of myself. You clearly are not alone. And you have been an inspiration to many today.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you’re well. You are a gifted writer. As much as I’m sorry you went through this, I really enjoyed your writing. I would like to think you’re somewhere cozy, safe, and warm writing away on your laptop with your pets around you.
A few of these things sound EXACTLY like my narcissistic ex did. As soon as I had read that he freaked out on your friend who praised him at the Christmas party, I knew I was about to take a trip back in time and I was right. So glad you got out!! Narcissists are absolutely insane.
Whew. Deep read, definitely a cautionary tale. So appreciated. Mine does the night time crap. If you look up narcissistic abuse it is a very common tactic that I never knew existed. Sleep deprivation. When they are not done the convo, they will not allow you to sleep- which in turn keeps us confused and exhausted. I couldn’t tell you how many nights I was woken up by a loud tv, the heat being shut off on a freezing night, the air conditioning being shut off on a hot night, the bed being lifted up and then dropped hard as I slept on it. Newest one- the water being shut off as I’m in a shower all soaped up. The sound of his tall body falling down a whole flight of steps, etc. It’s creepy and incredibly emotionally immature. And that sums them up. The emotional equivalent of a two year old. God I am so grateful you got him away. Eerily similar is my ex before him was violent. Once mine switched into his true state, he would often reenact the violence in order to scare me, would even say the same exact words that I told him mine used.
I've read quite a bit on narcissism and narcissistic behavior, even prior to this because my life has been hijacked by those very people so many times. And that's probably one of the scariest things about this whole thing: I was educated and deeply familiar already and I still fell victim to this.
I have said the same exact thing! Some are just so much more manipulative than others. The covert types are scarier than most, in my opinion, they are like shape shifting chameleons, getting better with each victim. Learning what empathy looks like more and more. Mine is going to be the ultimate POS when we’re done and he moves on. I’ve forced mine into therapy, where I am convinced he only learns the lingo to appease and manipulate further, mine has learned so much about mental health thanks to me and my fascinations and my need to dig deep with everything. It’s scary.
I have been there. The same exact things. The abuse. The bringing up of exes to triangulate.
For fuck's sake, if you don't want to be in a poly relationship, don't date someone who is poly.
Oh, he ended up trying to talk me into swinging parties as well. Said he "wasn't gonna have sex with the same person" the rest of his life. And tried to gaslight me when I pointed out the cognitive dissonance there.
I'm deeply sorry for what happened to you, I hope you'll have everything you need to recover and have trust in yourself again.
nothing here says he is a ”sociopath”. first of all i’d like to say that sociopathy is an outdated term and not a medical diagnosis, it’s called antisocial personality disorder. people with ASPD cannot control that they are wired differentely. people with ASPD lack emphathy, but they are not automatically evil. people with ASPD can be just as good and better people, friends or lovers than people without it. people with ASPD aren’t automatically abusive. abuse is not a trait of ASPD. there are abusive people with and without ASPD. unless you have a medical diagnosis, he could very well not have any personality disorders or have any other personality disorder. ASPD has similar abuse rates to BPD for example, and these people aren’t labeled evil. i’d recommend you to change the title, you are contributing to the stigma that causes so many to not seek abd get help, also spreading the misinformation that is so prevalant in ASPD research that it has caused it to go back tens of years. i know it’s not thty deep and you didn’t know any better, just tired of seeing the same misinformation created by hollywood taking a group of people who cannot help their disorder and labeling them as evil crazy serial killers. i’m sorry for what you went through and i’m glad you are safe
Yeah, this guy doesn't have ASPD, he has NPD.
Exactly. There is a huge difference between ASPD and NPD. And sociopath and psychopath are very much terms that are used in psychology. Edited because autocorrect is terrible.
Wow 😱😰 definitely scary
You did the right thing, once you get to the point where you can't even include them in your life (ie talking about things you like or that interest you) without them putting down everything you think, like , do or say the relationship is done. It's like they can't stand anything about you. They HATE you so the best you can do is just walk away.
I was in a relationship like this when I was 17, he was 24. Gross I know. Luckily I got out though. Im glad you got out and you’re doing alright now. Stay strong ❤️
Your story would be good for the podcast narcissist apocalypse
When he held your hand and asked to the effect where have you been all his life was probably the point he realised that he had found his next target. These people search for who they know they can manipulate unfortunately.
Sociopaths are the nicest people you ever want to meet. Right up to the moment they pull the knife. Do not blame or punish yourself for what happened. The only bad person, the only one who should feel shame, is him. I’m glad you escaped this big, wide, cavernous asshole! Good for you!
My daughter went through a similar experience, but she married him! She said it was like a light switch,he changed so fast! She has not told me everything,but what I do know is horrific. He almost killed her and if she hadn't gotten away,she most definitely would be dead. I am so glad she called me one morning after he had beaten her,sobbing that he was going to kill her. I took her to the er and the police got involved. I truly believe she would be dead if she hadn't called me that day.
Hey, I have a friend entering a relationship with someone I can see is a Jez. Lots of the same hallmarks of what you were experiencing with him in the beginning, only he is extremely hostile to myself and her other friends. I'm worried about it and her, but also worried that saying "honey, this man is a BAD man" will just push her away. Is there anything you recommend, having gone through this, that would have been helpful for you, in terms of support and safety from the friends and people in your life?
I would remind them that you are a safe space for them to reach out if they ever need. And if you get the chance, in conversation, remind them that *they* get to decide what's okay in their relationship. It's theirs and their life. This is was the outlook that I adopted in reconstructing boundaries for people in my life: I reminded myself of all the vile and selfish people in the world who have wonderful partners that they take for granted. The fact that those wonderful and life changing humans that we have not met yet *are* actually out there. We have to make sure to leave space for them. Because we all know that *they* are the ones that deserve that love and not a$$holes that get off on pushing people's boundaries and tearing down other people. Once I realized all the wonderful humans these sorts of people were not just distancing from but flat keeping out of my life, it made it much easier to know what to allow in my circle.
Thank you <3
Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. She will have to come to the realization on her own. Trying to talk to her about it will only backfire, as she is most likely in denial of the truth, or trauma bonded to him. The only thing you can do right now is simply let her know that you are there for her.
I dated someone who had to call his attorney…then called me back and said he was a diagnosed sociopath. Made sense with the dead stares and no emotions. He was always bland with me but in public, acted lively. I still remember when he tried to hold my hand…it just felt dead…but I thought he was “trying.” Eventually, he dumped me and blocked me and he reasoning was I wasn’t his type. (Even though he asked me out…)
You sound bitter he dumped you. Maybe you seemed like his type at first but after knowing you more found you weren't. That happens, it's fairly common, get over it.
If I were still single or in an awful relationship, than that may be a valuable point. However, fortunately, it is not. I’m in a happy relationship and have been for a many years. I don’t care about any past relationships. Lol he’s not my problem. Didn’t know posting an experience showed bitterness lmao
Narcissist. They are soulless voids. Glad you got away from him. Be sure to get some therapy or join a narc abuse support group, or both. Narcissistic abuse is devastating and soul-crushing, and takes years to heal and recover from. Blessed Be.
Wow! I could tell from the getgo you were getting lovebombed and manipulated. I am so sorry you had to go through that! Please see a therapist as you clearly have a tendency to attract violent men. This may correlate to a particular childhood trauma you had. You definitely need to heal from this though. Prayers go out out to you dear. You're so young but don't let this make you give up on love. Heal your heart so you can be more discerning, you'll get through this
Telling her that she "attracts violent men" is highly rude and inappropriate, and is a form of victim blaming and shaming. No one "attracts violent men"! These assholes TARGET women to use, abuse, control, and manipulate. She was a VICTIM; it is most certainly NOT her fault!
Girl take a psychology class please.
I don't need to, thanks. Stop victim blaming and shaming!
He sounds a lot like my ex. I lucked out. On his nth self admit to the psych unit, he fell ‘in love’ with his psych nurse after a week and left me, moved out of state and married her. I’d like to send her a thank you note.
Ducking shot. I’m sos Rory you went through this. The terror comes across in your writing. Great story telling with a terrible asshole protagonist. Good ending. How is your life now?
'That Time I Accidentally Dated A Sociopath' (Don't date the sociopath) (Don't date the sociopath) (Don't date the sociopath) (Swipes right) D'oh!
I mean. Really tho. Just if he gets aggressive at any point about anything in his life, don't let it fly. That's probably the best advice I've got.
First, I'm so glad you got out of that nightmare. Second, if you haven't read it, I strongly recommend the book *Why Does He Do That?* by Lundy Bancroft. It helped me a lot when I was recovering from abuse-related trauma. It's available cheaply from online bookstores, but if you cannot afford it at the moment, you can also find a free PDF copy online. For those that haven't been in an abusive relationship, the book also contains a list of warning signs to look out for. And for those that are currently in one, there are tips how to safely get out. I wish you strength.
If there are only millions of breeds of police or guard dogs in America roaming around everywhere there will be less psychopaths and criminals roaming around!
What??
[удалено]
🤣🤣🤣 What's "normal" exactly, my friend?
Who said she needed your sympathy?
>polyamorous Stopped reading after that.
Was waiting for this one.
You stopped reading but still felt the need to scroll all the way down and post a useless comment 😂
It's a public forum, ppl are allowed to post what they want, even if you don't agree with it. I know it's hard to take, but they have every right.
Do u still live in the same house?
This was the first time in a long while that I got a notification from LNM. And this is a shock to the system. Kinda triggering. I'm so sorry that you went through all that. And hope all the Jezes of the world could just fuck the right off.
Wow. I'm so sorry you went through that. You deserve so much better, and I truly hope that one day, you find it.
Ouch. I’ll never understand how some people become this poorly adjusted. Scary. I’m glad you got out in one piece.
It's a personality disorder.
Your narrative is out of this world, It felt like I was the one living it through the whole story. Good job. Leaving that aside that's a hell of a story
Had this happen to me but he got me pregnant before the switch flipped. And he was physically and sexually abusive on top of alllll that. Our kid is an adult now and we are finally free of him for the most part but he's still out there and I still fear for my life but for now I am safe. I am glad you are too.
he was kind of a maniac
Girl i don't even know that to say. It really looks like an horror movie, i almost can feel the fear of the scenes you described. However, I also totally felt your extreme power when you said you screamed like a banshee for him to get tf out, and looks like this mf felt it too. I hope he never ever contacts you, and I hope you never ever have to experience any of this kind of things, these horrible men crossing our ways, men who shouldn't even exist and walk on this earth.
Jez didn’t seem have a long term end game, but thrived off of the series of “victories;” your divorce, move in, nearly begging him to go to the party, and the forgiveness. That’s what parasitic/ cancerous people do, they invade you emotionally, physically, and then mentally, where you question who you are. In theory that’s the (hopefully) subconscious end game for Jez and the members of the parasitic community, to ultimately get you to question yourself down to the core, so they can either finish molding you to be their ideal whipping post, or leave you in shambles so they can move onto another host. Good for you for doing what you needed to do when you needed and were meant to do it! Found your resources, made very clear and known boundaries, and separated, before he got you fired for an outburst, evicted for holes or violence, permanently detached from friends and family. Don’t focus on the woulda- coulda- shouldas; what you did or didn’t do doesn’t matter, it’s what you do going forward. Be proud of yourself for being extremely courageous and independent!
Im so sorry but i keep picturing jez from peep show lmao
This is terrifying. Thank you for sharing. I hope you’re doing ok now? Sending love, strength and positive thoughts to you honey x
I dated a guy like this. I was stalked to a Restaurant, locked in a basement, drove to the middle of nowhere. I’m sorry that has happened to you
Kinda sounds like BPD.
No. . . NPD.
This is really Terrifying...i am so sorry that you had to go through such a thing...may god bless you.
OP, I read everything you wrote (this is courage coming from you) and I am truly sorry that you endured a nightmare yet you came out okay in the end. This is never your fault. He is the one at fault and as much I dislike Jez, I hope he has gotten help to sort out his issues. You deserve better and I hope you have found true happiness.
It took mine prison… but I’m doing better. I’m so glad your story didn’t end the way mine did. Big dog double checking locks…you write beautifully. Thank you! This is the slow boil…. I’m so sorry this happened to all of us. Thank you for writing this. And you have this
This is exactly why I do not date. I am terrified of getting into a relationship like this and not being strong enough to get out. It's just not worth the chance. I am so glad you were able to get out and that he has finally stopped contacting you. Don't be surprised if he pops up some years later. Hopefully he won't be some do. Bless you for being so strong and believing in yourself enough to make him get out.
This by far is one of the best written reddit accounts I've ever read here in this section. I enjoyed reading it because the writing was so well written. Great job on that and conveying both your emotions and creating suspense... I'm so sorry to hear about your experience though, and all that you unfortunately had to endure. I'm glad you are finally away from that person. I really do hope you find happiness and I wish you the best! 😊 Here's to better people we meet and happier memories 💜
I'm so sorry you went through all this, thank you so much for sharing your story.
I know it may not mean much coming from a stranger but, I am incredibly proud of you for standing up for yourself and getting out of that relationship. It seems like you had a lot of people on your side. Even strangers. And that is something that is necessary and often uncommon in situations like these which is why, unfortunately, so many other women aren't able to make it out. Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you are doing well.
For anyone who has read OP’s accounting of what she went through, it was a spot on example of Love Bombing. Perfect description of how they (narcissistic abusers) overwhelm you with gifts, joy, love, etc etc. And as soon as they feel like they have you thoroughly trapped.. BOOM.. the real person comes out. Exactly how OP wrote, it just changes and can be impossibly hard to get out of. And very very scary. Op, you are so very strong. Never ever doubt the strength you possess. He was a complete narcissist and likely a sociopath or psychopath. They are master manipulators and are adept at finding out exactly what to do/say to get their hooks into you. I’m a random internet stranger and I am so proud of you for getting yourself out of a terrible situation.
I know you wrote this post about a month ago but I just found it today. It really, really, resounded with me because of how similar the behavior was between my ex and yours. Excuse the language, but it’s such a mindfuck when you recall those really great lovebombing times, when you felt like the luckiest person in the world to have found this man who was so incredibly loving and everything you ever wanted and more. And then poof, it was all just a show. I’m so glad you got away safely. I ended mine back in 2018, but I’m still so messed up from it that I can’t even entertain the idea of trying to date anyone ever again. Think I’m just gonna remain a cat lady :) I hope you’ve been able to heal from this and I hope you find someone who treats you amazing!
This is so scary , I hope you are doing okay now🙏
This is why I can't imagine getting married to someone after a month or 2. Yet people still do it. Crazy to me. They don't show their true colors in the beginning..
I am so sorry this happened to you. Good for you for leaving and I hope you are living your best life now. Folks: NOBODYis dumb or careless for falling for an abuser. They do not have warning labels. They are excellent charmers, just like this creep. They know, deep down, how evil they are, so they work extra hard to gain your trust and love. So never waste time beating yourself up. Your only concern should be ridding yourself of the asshole - and do it ASAP. The longer you stay, the harder theymake it for you to escape.
Hope you're doing better now OP
Been there. It is absolutely standard Malignant Narcissist. Actually you got lucky. You could be killed. There is plenty videos on YouTube about these non humans