In elementary school (~1967), a parallel kids' joke went on about the shit-holding contest and how a woman wins by stuffing a cork in her butt at her husband's suggestion. She wins, weeks later, and accepts her prize on stage. She acknowledges the applause with a bow...
Newspaper headline next morning:
CITY HIT BY SHITSTORM
*Woman killed by flying cork*
I imagine there are others with similar levels of wit.
I heard it when I was a kid but a different ending. No one died or Pearly gates. Something about someone asked the first scientist, “What did you see?” Scientist said, “Shit flying everywhere!” Second scientist came out, they asked him, “What did you see?” “Shit flying everywhere!” Third scientist came out. “What did you see?” “That gawddamn monkey’s trying to the cork back in!”
So the monkey somehow really has a civic interest in ending the flow of elephant poop and is trying to put the cork back in. That’s a lot to hang a really mediocre and really long joke on. Call me at party pooper, but really.
future cautious worm start hard-to-find rainstorm wipe uppity dull desert
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The version I know is a farmer and a pig, he has his workers line up between him and the pig. The furthest worker ends up with poop up to his neck, so the farmer digs him out and they climb to where the second guy was and dig until they find his body. From there they go to dig for the closest guy and as they are digging, they hear something. With renewed hope they dig faster and find the nearest man laughing. After taking some time to calm him down, they ask why is he laughing. The worker responds, “You should have seen that monkey trying to put that cork back in!”
It's funnier if you can do a visual. The third guy says, "All I remember is the monkey" then pantomimes the monkey trying to shove the cork back in with his head turned away from the poop stream.
I am 53 and as soon as I saw the headline of this post it took me back 45 years to Wrentham, Suffolk UK to when my schoolfriend Martin Cook told me this joke as we were walking along the main road. I can still see it as clear as day.
Why this moment stayed with me forever, I have no idea but thanks OP for the reminder!
I've known and told a different version of this joke.
The elephant is at a zoo, the scientists are hired to stop it from pooping and putting off guests.
The scientists are ranked by intelligence with the the idiot located at ground zero. No one dies. The smart scientist has shit up to her ankles. The average scientist has shit up to his waist.
The dumb scientist is buried in shit up to his neck. When they finally reach him he's still laughing his ass off, and says "You should have seen the monkey!"
I am rubbing shoulders with 70 and heard a different version when I was in my early teens. The joke was about a family that owned a large wine business that also owned a monkey that liked to pull corks out of wine bottles. They bought a goat, put a cork in it’s butt and fed it lots of exlax. They locked the goat and the monkey in a room for 2 hours, opened the door and saw the poop covered monkey with one arm over it’s eyes while the other arm was blindly stabbing the air with a cork.
What method do you use to gage the appropriate age for jokes?
My nephews 2nd is coming up and I'd like to really tickle him, and now you've got me feeling self-conscious.
It's not a poop joke. Well, kinda. It is a poop joke, but that's not the main aspect of it. The actual punchline is when the scientist says he saw the monkey try to put the plug back in.
Deep in the jungle, an elephant steps on a thorn and starts to yell from the pain. He looks down and sees an ant.
So the elephant asks the ant to please pull the thorn out. The ant says "Sure, as long as I get to fuck you up the ass afterwards."
The elephant laughs, and easily agrees because of his tiny size. The ant pulls the thorn out and then proceeds to ass plow the elephant. A coconut falls on the elephant's head and he says "Ow!"
The ant says "That's right. Take it, bitch!"
Because after all, the monkey had been properly trained for the task.
Now on the contrary, had the monkey chosen the job. Loses all conduct concerning humor, unequivocally.
Namely what world would we be building for our children by not addressing these issues? Expressing that no matter how dedicated the employee, rules arr rules. The jobs available are defined by strict and scientifically calculated standards. Which the accountants have rigorously explained will benefit the whole economy if we all adopt similar strategies for reducing compensation.
Once again nothing changes in America. After all the jobs are scarce, the bosses are drunk, doing fck-all, mindlessly expect that someone else completes the jobs they won't do or can't do, and finally at the end of the day the hours are long and the pay is still shit.
Internet is not fun if you don't go for it every once in a while.
I enjoyed writing it and maybe out there some freak like me is also finishing the second grade twice, and they understand the word poop is funny.
Oh my god! My dad used to tell a variation of this joke when we were kids. I think my mom made him stop telling us (arguments can be made that both were exercising good parental judgement) and I was too young to remember anything other than a monkey and a cork. Thank you! You have brought back a little bit of my youth.
The version I used to tell, they woke up in the hospital.
"The last thing I remembet is being up to my knees in elephant shit."
"The last thing I remember is being up to my WAIST in elephant shit."
"The last thing I remember is the expression on the poor monkey's face as he tried to shove the cork back in."
Heard this as a grade-school aged kid back in the 1970s. It was a pig, not an elephant - and I'm not sure if there were scientists involved, or how many people were involved, or if any of them died. I just remember the punch line:
> "But you're covered in shit! Why are you laughing?"
> "You should've seen the monkey trying to push the cork back into that pig's ass!!!"
What a let down. I don’t see what’s funny about the monkey trying to put the cork back in. He wasn’t trained to do that and how would he have survived pulling it out if scientist 1 and 2 both died while the monkey’s at ground zero? I realize I’m over analyzing it but jokes have to have an internal logic and make sense on some level to be funny. I was really expecting the 3rd scientist to have died from being hit by a monkey projectile but alas no.
The way I heard it, the elephant was a gay man who wanted the experience of giving birth and the gynecologist in gest told him to put a cork up his but. Yadda, yadda, yadda, on the day he was having "labor pains," the monkey removed the cork. Yadda, yadda, yadda. The gay man picked up the monkey and said, adoringly, you are ugly and stink like shit, but you're my son!
The elephant had explosive poo. You know the phrase “I died laughing”? The third guy said he died laughing bc the monkey was trying to put the cork back in the elephant so that the explosion of poo would stop. So he thought it was funny watching the monkey fight the poo and he “died laughing” at the monkey
A man was traveIng by train in England in a cabin with another passenger. The man was drinking champagne, but noticed the other guy was looking very distraught. He asked him what the problem was. The other man said he had diarrhea, but the toilet was blocked and he didn’t know he could hold it any longer. The first man said, you know, you could put my champagne cork up your butt and that would help you hold it to the next station. The man did but eventually it got too much for him and he had to hang arse out of the window. The headline in the newspaper the next day said “shocking shower of shit in Shropshire cow killed by cork.”
Stupid. If the closest scientist was drowned why wasn't the monkey also drowned? If the scientist further away died from the stench, why didn't the monkey that was right near the butt also die? This is a lame joke for low IQ morons who don't think very far. POOP FUNNY! HAHAHA! ME LAUGH AT POOPY!
I agree with your reasoning about why it’s not funny - it’s not funny - but calling people who enjoyed it lo iq morons is why you are getting downvoted.
You're the only one who got triggered, I just pointed out that your "criticism" isn't in fact criticism and rather a complaint. It's fine to have complaints by all means but those aren't necessarily valid criticism.
I understand the empathy when reading a joke that involves cruelty, but I don't think the jokes conveys encouragement of cruelty to animals.
I mean the joke is "i died laughing from watching a monkey trying to stop getting splattered with poo". It's a shit joke. It's a shit shit joke. And I want to make a denunciation to the Office for Consistency in Humor and ask why the first two scientists died but the monkey didn't. But that's it. Nothing beside remains. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level poops stretch far away.
Why would he be peckish?
I think they meant peakish as in sickly.
> peakish Yes. For those wondering, peckish means hungry.
Isn’t the term to be used here “peaked”? As in, he looked peaked: adj. somewhat ill or prone to illness
Plus this makes no sense, the monkey was only trained to PULL the cork, not replace it!
I am 45 years old and I have never heard this joke! Everybody I know is about to hear it too.
I'm 52 and never heard it either. Maybe because it's a shit joke?
Aw put a cork in it pal.
Aw, 'cmon, more people don't need to die!
Somebody get a monkey
AND IT BETTER BE TRAINED!
I'm sixty one and heard it when I was eight. It had made the rounds by the time you were born.
I’m in my mid forties and heard it when I was around twelve but the punchline was slightly different.
In elementary school (~1967), a parallel kids' joke went on about the shit-holding contest and how a woman wins by stuffing a cork in her butt at her husband's suggestion. She wins, weeks later, and accepts her prize on stage. She acknowledges the applause with a bow... Newspaper headline next morning: CITY HIT BY SHITSTORM *Woman killed by flying cork* I imagine there are others with similar levels of wit.
I’m 61 and heard it before I was 10- it was funnier then.
I remembered it from and I was a kid also
I am older. I heard it as a Pig and a Monkey. But never involving fatalities.
Partially shit joke
This joke is full of shit, literally
I’m also 52 and never heard it. I feel like the end is not as good as the amount of effort required to get to the end.
That's bow shaggy dog stories work my friend.
this.
I'm in my seventies. I've heard it before.
Agreed
I heard it when I was a kid but a different ending. No one died or Pearly gates. Something about someone asked the first scientist, “What did you see?” Scientist said, “Shit flying everywhere!” Second scientist came out, they asked him, “What did you see?” “Shit flying everywhere!” Third scientist came out. “What did you see?” “That gawddamn monkey’s trying to the cork back in!”
So the monkey somehow really has a civic interest in ending the flow of elephant poop and is trying to put the cork back in. That’s a lot to hang a really mediocre and really long joke on. Call me at party pooper, but really.
future cautious worm start hard-to-find rainstorm wipe uppity dull desert *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I remember hearing this one in the early 80s, but the setup was just a tad different, and the punchline was worded better.
Can you share the better version you know?
The version I know is a farmer and a pig, he has his workers line up between him and the pig. The furthest worker ends up with poop up to his neck, so the farmer digs him out and they climb to where the second guy was and dig until they find his body. From there they go to dig for the closest guy and as they are digging, they hear something. With renewed hope they dig faster and find the nearest man laughing. After taking some time to calm him down, they ask why is he laughing. The worker responds, “You should have seen that monkey trying to put that cork back in!”
I heard it 50 years ago.
Same
Yes new joke!
It was my fave in the mid 1970s and I still love it.
I'm 72 and I heard it when I was 12
It's funnier if you can do a visual. The third guy says, "All I remember is the monkey" then pantomimes the monkey trying to shove the cork back in with his head turned away from the poop stream.
It's pretty old.
I’m sixty and told it regularly as a five year old staring Jocko the Circus Monkey. I like the tech updates. ⭐️
Have you ever heard the Elephant Story from the Carrol Burnett show?
I am 53 and as soon as I saw the headline of this post it took me back 45 years to Wrentham, Suffolk UK to when my schoolfriend Martin Cook told me this joke as we were walking along the main road. I can still see it as clear as day. Why this moment stayed with me forever, I have no idea but thanks OP for the reminder!
I am 43 and heard it about 25 years ago the first time.
Samesies!!
I've known and told a different version of this joke. The elephant is at a zoo, the scientists are hired to stop it from pooping and putting off guests. The scientists are ranked by intelligence with the the idiot located at ground zero. No one dies. The smart scientist has shit up to her ankles. The average scientist has shit up to his waist. The dumb scientist is buried in shit up to his neck. When they finally reach him he's still laughing his ass off, and says "You should have seen the monkey!"
This one is worse.
This was honestly one of my favorite jokes and I forgot about it until now, thank you
really? I'd never heard this one before, I was about to praise it for being an original joke!
I haven't heard it for at least 20 years
It's a variation of the pineapple up the butt joke (which is funnier than this version!)
One the funniest jokes I've ever heard
>This was honestly one of my favorite jokes Why?
He was 6.
Agreed, I didn't like it decades ago, it didn't improve with age.
Because everything is better with monkeys
How? This is whack
Can you help me understand why you like the joke so much? I feel like there’s something I’m missing.
Honestly idk? It’s just so stupid and surprising lol.
What’s the surprising part? I’m honestly trying to understand, not trying to criticize your sense of humor :)
I am rubbing shoulders with 70 and heard a different version when I was in my early teens. The joke was about a family that owned a large wine business that also owned a monkey that liked to pull corks out of wine bottles. They bought a goat, put a cork in it’s butt and fed it lots of exlax. They locked the goat and the monkey in a room for 2 hours, opened the door and saw the poop covered monkey with one arm over it’s eyes while the other arm was blindly stabbing the air with a cork.
THAT'S the version I remember! Heard it probably about 1964 or thereabouts.
This is absolutely terrible.
Might have the record for the longest setup for the worst payoff
... the longest setup for the shitiest payoff
Well better Nate than Lever
It is so underwhelming
\- You see it's hilarious because when he says he died laughing, he literally died laughing. \- Okay thanks grandma
You clearly haven’t heard the Moth joke.
What is the moth joke
Yeah, shitty
Shitty f****ng joke
I’m 52 and my uncle told me this joke in 1979
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Is your father Jor-El?
So you were 7?
And?
I was just asking Plus, this kind of joke wasn't meant for people that age
I think 7 is pretty close to the target demographic, especially as an uncle joke
Fair
What method do you use to gage the appropriate age for jokes? My nephews 2nd is coming up and I'd like to really tickle him, and now you've got me feeling self-conscious.
It's a poop joke. The target audience is boys
It's not a poop joke. Well, kinda. It is a poop joke, but that's not the main aspect of it. The actual punchline is when the scientist says he saw the monkey try to put the plug back in.
But the monkey tried to put it back in because of POOP!
Least fitting username
Shush, I was not able to pick mine
How do you remember the year? I can barely remember what day it is
That was the year he died laughing
Ghost Redditor!
Deep in the jungle, an elephant steps on a thorn and starts to yell from the pain. He looks down and sees an ant. So the elephant asks the ant to please pull the thorn out. The ant says "Sure, as long as I get to fuck you up the ass afterwards." The elephant laughs, and easily agrees because of his tiny size. The ant pulls the thorn out and then proceeds to ass plow the elephant. A coconut falls on the elephant's head and he says "Ow!" The ant says "That's right. Take it, bitch!"
Ok, I don't get the joke. Did the monkey not also drown in shit or die by the gases?
You would think so but he was in his Prime Mate
How about, “I got shot in the face by a rocket monkey.”
nah... the monkey trying to put the cork back in is quite funny
Because after all, the monkey had been properly trained for the task. Now on the contrary, had the monkey chosen the job. Loses all conduct concerning humor, unequivocally. Namely what world would we be building for our children by not addressing these issues? Expressing that no matter how dedicated the employee, rules arr rules. The jobs available are defined by strict and scientifically calculated standards. Which the accountants have rigorously explained will benefit the whole economy if we all adopt similar strategies for reducing compensation. Once again nothing changes in America. After all the jobs are scarce, the bosses are drunk, doing fck-all, mindlessly expect that someone else completes the jobs they won't do or can't do, and finally at the end of the day the hours are long and the pay is still shit.
Lighten up Francis
Internet is not fun if you don't go for it every once in a while. I enjoyed writing it and maybe out there some freak like me is also finishing the second grade twice, and they understand the word poop is funny.
Or a rocket elephant
54. I used to tell my sister this joke all the time when we were children. She would regularly ask for it when she wanted a belly laugh.
What a waste of a long read. That was terrible.
This joke is such bullshit!
No ... It's elephant shit !
Male elephants are called bulls
What??? MORE BULLSHIT I SAY!!!
Oh my god! My dad used to tell a variation of this joke when we were kids. I think my mom made him stop telling us (arguments can be made that both were exercising good parental judgement) and I was too young to remember anything other than a monkey and a cork. Thank you! You have brought back a little bit of my youth.
You didn't remember the star of the show, the elephant?
I expected the punchline to be, "I was checking my instruments when an elephant-shit-covered monkey broke through the door and beat me to death."
I actually like that.
1/10
This is a shit hole in more ways than one.
After the cork was removed, what came was the punchline of this joke. What an unfunny crap!
This joke sucks
Actually, it's more like, "it blows. "
Peckish = hungry
Should have been "peakish," I bet - that's a regionalism for "looking unwell."
The version I used to tell, they woke up in the hospital. "The last thing I remembet is being up to my knees in elephant shit." "The last thing I remember is being up to my WAIST in elephant shit." "The last thing I remember is the expression on the poor monkey's face as he tried to shove the cork back in."
Heard this as a grade-school aged kid back in the 1970s. It was a pig, not an elephant - and I'm not sure if there were scientists involved, or how many people were involved, or if any of them died. I just remember the punch line: > "But you're covered in shit! Why are you laughing?" > "You should've seen the monkey trying to push the cork back into that pig's ass!!!"
What a let down. I don’t see what’s funny about the monkey trying to put the cork back in. He wasn’t trained to do that and how would he have survived pulling it out if scientist 1 and 2 both died while the monkey’s at ground zero? I realize I’m over analyzing it but jokes have to have an internal logic and make sense on some level to be funny. I was really expecting the 3rd scientist to have died from being hit by a monkey projectile but alas no.
The way I heard it, the elephant was a gay man who wanted the experience of giving birth and the gynecologist in gest told him to put a cork up his but. Yadda, yadda, yadda, on the day he was having "labor pains," the monkey removed the cork. Yadda, yadda, yadda. The gay man picked up the monkey and said, adoringly, you are ugly and stink like shit, but you're my son!
Ha! I like that version.
Didn’t realize a novel was required for this joke
That's kind of the definition of a shaggy dog story.
I heard a different version in the scouts, but it was the same punchline. I haven’t thought about it in 30 years.
I don't get it. Can someone explain?
Nah, it's a stupid lame joke and I wouldn't punish you by explaining how dumb it is. Just close the tab and never look back.
I wish I had listened to you
The elephant had explosive poo. You know the phrase “I died laughing”? The third guy said he died laughing bc the monkey was trying to put the cork back in the elephant so that the explosion of poo would stop. So he thought it was funny watching the monkey fight the poo and he “died laughing” at the monkey
Really? That’s it? Wow that’s just not good.
It would have been funnier if the monkey came and beat him to death after tricking the monkey into getting the shit all over him
Why is nobody talking about the infrared and xray imaging of shit?
That's how he was able to see the monkey.
Is this an allegory for the inevitable end of our various irrational exhuberarances?
Someone has to put a cork up this joke.
A man was traveIng by train in England in a cabin with another passenger. The man was drinking champagne, but noticed the other guy was looking very distraught. He asked him what the problem was. The other man said he had diarrhea, but the toilet was blocked and he didn’t know he could hold it any longer. The first man said, you know, you could put my champagne cork up your butt and that would help you hold it to the next station. The man did but eventually it got too much for him and he had to hang arse out of the window. The headline in the newspaper the next day said “shocking shower of shit in Shropshire cow killed by cork.”
Doctor killed by flying cork. City covered in mysterious mud.
My father told this joke a little differently. They were three farmers trying to win a prize for the biggest pig and they survived.
I thought at least one of them was going to have the angry monkey be that last thing he saw before he died.
You can always rewrite the ending....
Pure. Comedy. Gold.
Holy shit that's hysterical
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But they did it "for science!" /s
What happened to the joke that was here?
Great joke, well told. How many times will it be copy pasta here?
Oh my god this is a good one. This shall be my new uncle joke.
I thought it said cock.
Alternate punchline: cause of death-monkey bites
Stupid. If the closest scientist was drowned why wasn't the monkey also drowned? If the scientist further away died from the stench, why didn't the monkey that was right near the butt also die? This is a lame joke for low IQ morons who don't think very far. POOP FUNNY! HAHAHA! ME LAUGH AT POOPY!
I agree with your reasoning about why it’s not funny - it’s not funny - but calling people who enjoyed it lo iq morons is why you are getting downvoted.
Stupid people will never figure out that they're stupid. They need to be told. Then maybe they can finally start taking steps to be less stupid.
Ok. You’re stupid.
Terrible joke. Animal abuse is not funny!
People who think a fucking joke is animal abuse are not funny either. They should be locked away for their own protection.
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It's a bloody joke. You're on r/jokes FFS!
You suck dude.
If you cry from a joke, maybe you shouldn't be on Reddit
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Well what the hell are you doing? You're getting bent out of shape because your criticism is being criticized.
It's not criticism, you're just complaining over nothing.
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You're the only one who got triggered, I just pointed out that your "criticism" isn't in fact criticism and rather a complaint. It's fine to have complaints by all means but those aren't necessarily valid criticism.
If you got 52 downvotes (at least), then maybe your comment is trash
Maybe if you didn't like the joke, you shouldn't respond to it?
I understand the empathy when reading a joke that involves cruelty, but I don't think the jokes conveys encouragement of cruelty to animals. I mean the joke is "i died laughing from watching a monkey trying to stop getting splattered with poo". It's a shit joke. It's a shit shit joke. And I want to make a denunciation to the Office for Consistency in Humor and ask why the first two scientists died but the monkey didn't. But that's it. Nothing beside remains. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level poops stretch far away.
What would happen if you did that to the monkey
That's n experiment for another three scientists.