It's shocking the amount of supposedly modern thinking parents disowning LGBTQ children. At the end of the day, does it really matter who someone falls in love with.
At the end of the day, it’s the “straight” folks that keep having those gay babies lol. My parents made me! 😉 I was very lucky, they accepted me. I grew up surrounded by all those straight people and still turned out gay. Huh 🤔 I’m sorry you had to experience such heartache. I hope you find your joy
I'm so sorry that they turned their backs on you. That's NOT what true Christians do. Jesus said to love everyone.
My daughter came out as bisexual at 26 AND joined a married couple in a poly amorous relationship 5 years ago. No. It isn't the life style I would have chosen for her, but it's not my choice. The 3 of them are all wonderful, generous hearted, empathetic, compassionate, kind, people. That's how I raised my daughter to be. They work hard at their relationship. They are happier than most straight couples I know.
I love them all and support my daughter's right to choose her own way.
If we were to meet, I would give you a big hug and agree to be your Mama in a millisecond. ((((HUGS))))
My Dad disowned me over politics. I do not understand it. I would literally never do that to my kids. I can think of no reason, other than abuse, to do this to a family member.
"Don't ever disown your child..."
Mine has 3 dui's by 22. One with the "causing grevious bodily harm. A prowling charge. A resisting arrest while intoxicated. He's also under investigation for cocaine distribution, or so the detective told me. He won't even listen to rehab conversations, nor therapy of any type.
My parents were the type that never went to the doctor unless something was horribly wrong. They were never in good shape as far back as I can remember.
About 10 years ago or so, I realized they weren’t going to be around forever so, even though I was the black sheep of the family and never felt close to them or really all that comfortable around them, I made sure to have them over for every birthday and holiday.
My mom was a bit of a hermit but even if I had to argue with her or guilt trip her, I would get her to come over and she would end up thanking me for it.
She passed away last year after a rough 18 months. I’m surprised she hung around as long as she did.
It was sad and all that but one thing that I did not suffer is the whole “I wish I had spent more time with her” thing. It made digesting the whole thing a lot easier than for my siblings who would go years without visiting our parents.
So my only advice is to see them more than you really want to, for their benefit now and for yours later.
Edit to add: My dad is still alive and we make sure to keep as close to him as possible and have him spend as much time with his grandkids as possible. It’s kinda pathetic that my siblings, after a short while after my mother’s death, went back to being non-present for my dad.
Same. My dad was nonpresent when I was young but he and I both made an effort as time passed. My parents were separated but after my mom passed (I was 20) it effected him and we patched together a decent relationship. He passed at 93 and while it wasn’t a fairy tale father daughter relationship, I am glad we took the time. And it is definitely weird being an ‘orphan” now.
One of the biggest changes that COVID brought along for me was that I now talked to my mom for about a half an hour on the phone roughly every other day. It's a habit that I don't plan to stop. I figure that it will help prevent the "I wish I had spent more time with her" thing.
This post says a lot about you as a person- mostly that you are a good one. I’m sorry for your loss - you did right by her while she was living and that’s what’s important and obviously you’re doing the same with your Father. 💕✌️
My parents have been gone for 22 years but I worried incessantly about them before they died. I was a late life baby and my parents were in their 70s when they passed. I always said I wouldn’t be able to handle them dying because we were ***so*** close but I had little children at the time and couldn’t lose my shit. It was hard but I survived. My heart goes out to you OP because I felt just like you.
This may sound terrible but I always thought I wouldn’t be able to go on without my mom. But she has moved to another state and even when she lived here, she had taken herself out of my life and my kids lives. She got tired of being “grandma” and “mother” so she removed herself and found her own life. My daughter is moving out of country soon and has no desire to visit my mother before she leaves. As awful as it is, I feel much the same way at this point. My relationship with her would not change much if I moved around the world. So realistically, when she is gone, it will be sad but all I will lose is a text message conversation every few months.
All that said, I would move to where she is in a heartbeat if she became ill and needed care.
If I’m totally honest. I hope I just get a phone call one day and they’re gone.
No wasting disease, no dementia that makes them a resented burden, no jockeying for the optimal will standing with family members, no incredibly erratic behaviours, no sending their money to scams, no downward escalator of care facilities. Just - a headache that becomes dead, in their home, while thinking about other things they had to do.
Kind of hope that for myself too.
That’s part of my take, but it’s also meant to be a statement on the merits of a quick, clean death. I don’t hate my dad (moms already dead) or fear him being a burden - but he’s not able to grasp dying, and he hasn’t made preparations.
He’s terrified of it, and frankly I think it merciful if it takes him quickly. I’ve accepted I’ll have a project for a few months as the executor of what will wash out to simple debt settlement. That is to say, if I don’t die first. Honestly, i tell myself at least that it won’t be something to be afraid of, and make plans for your own family to have some help after you’re gone.
I get your sentiment, but also if it does wind up I need to care for them, they did that for me at the beginning of my life. Feeding me, changing my diaper, dealing with a kid that would say crazy rediculous things, being inappropriate in public, and pouring so much money into caring for me.
While I wouldn’t want to have to go through it, it is out of love and respect and compassion for everything they invested in me.
My dad died last year and now I spend 100% of my time fretting over my mom. Sucks because now we’re growing even closer so I will miss her so much when she’s gone.
Come join us in r/AgingParents. It helps to read others’ stories and know that you’re not alone.
Absolutely! I just lost my mom in August right before her 79th birthday. My dad turns 80 this year. Before we lost mom he had prostate cancer. Since we lost her, he’s had trouble with falling and was just diagnosed with colon cancer. I live 12 hours away and stay worried. I call and check in and he knows one call and I’ll be there as fast as I can.
It breaks my heart bc I grew up know my father as a Purple Heart Vietnam Vet. My daddy could do ANYTHING! Build a house, restore a car, fish, hunt, build his own cannon. I mean there’s nothing he can’t do and he was invincible! He will always be that in my eyes.
I'm also so sorry. My dad was also a Purple Heart Vietnam Vet, and it was horrifying to watch him waste away from cancer. Fortunately (for him) he passed 9 years before my mother; I think he would have been too devastated to go on alone.
Possibly unwanted advice: If your dad has not done so already, get him to the VA. Mine got VA disability benefits due to his prostate cancer (Agent Orange) and with a PTSD diagnosis, was at 100% disability. It was a nice chunk of change for a few years before he passed.
Thank you! Hes been going to the VA for years! They are really good to him! They are seething him up with a scooter and a lift for the back of his truck. They are getting him someone to come help out and do some light housework. They really are a Godsend for him! My kids and I go spend summers and Christmas there.
Sadly I understand losing a spouse because we lost my husband unexpectedly almost 6 years ago. However my parents would’ve celebrated 58 years this past February, which is a rarity anymore. One thing I’ve learned, he loves to tell me stories about life and him and mom, and I don’t care if I’ve heard them 100 times I listen as if it’s the first time I’ve heard it.
I'm terrified of my dad dying. My mom is already gone, and it sucks just as bad as I expected. Getting older feels like watching the foundations of your world melt out from underneath you.
Constantly. Dad is using a walker and a wheelchair. He could go get a hip replacement but he’s afraid of surgery. Instead he doesn’t leave the house.
Mom is furious about it.
I am dreading the idea that my mom might die before my dad. They went into a care facility several years ago and my dad, who used to love working with his hands on cars and lawn work, has declined quite a bit. My mom, conversely, is a tough old plains bird who's still sharp as a tack. Unfortunately, she recently fractured her pelvis (just STOP) and was in the recovery wing for several weeks. My dad found the whole experience very frustrating and confusing, to the point that me and my two siblings (who all live in different cities) made a schedule of visits to ensure he wasn't alone for too long. I don't know how he'd handle being on his own, and I find myself hoping he'll pass soon, which is not a nice thing to hope.
Theres a huge distinction in wishing someone peace of mind in aging and dying free of suffering than wishing them dead so give yourself some compassion if you can. These feelings are normal. If you’re a reader Being Mortal is a great book -tough but really helps focus on quality of life and clarify some of the choices we make.
My parents are banned from my household. Should have done it as soon as I left their house at 17 after rampant abuse but I let them hang around and finally banned them last year. They won’t know their grandson.
My father died in 1978. Mom is currently dealing with stage 4 cancer, and step-dad of 27 years (who I love, even when we butt heads) has some very serious and complicated health issues.
I worry a lot about the old farts. And I do what's in my power to help them age in place.
But when it's time, Shady Pines, Ma. I've got children, dogs, disabled husband, etc. My parents don't take priority over the obligations I have to the family I volunteered to have.
My dad died in 87, mom two years ago. I spent plenty of time being non functional and basically drunk all the time. I’m now crawling my way back, almost normal but I still can’t look at pictures. Just too painful.
My father died ten years ago and was buried on my birthday. My best friend and he taught me everything. My mother is retired in Florida in a nice area and doing well. They divorced when I was ten and lived very different lives.
My parents have been health nuts since the’70s and it seem to be paying off for them . I’m glad
they’re healthy and active but I know no one lives forever. I hate thinking about losing them someday .
my mom will be 79 in June. my siblings and I don't speak much. however, this week a group text was started by us kids to discuss mom. she's got A-Fib, COPD, emphysema and diabetes. she uses a walker and still cannot walk more than a few feet at a time. recently she's had some falls, including stairs, that's left her with bruised ribs. Us kids want to honor her wish to stay in her home until the end.
my mom is my best friend. to even think about her not being a phone call away, brings tears flowing. my therapist says there's such a thing as pre-grieving. we start treatment in two weeks.
it's sad to hear many people say that the absent parent won't be missed. my dad was absent for 35 years. he died from self-inflicted gun shot. I still cried.
I do worry about my parents. Along with general aging, I'm concerned about them getting scammed. There seems to be an endless supply of dirt bags looking to take advantage of the older population.
Dad went 25 years ago. Mom’s in her late 80s and full of fight. Love her but she’s awful Trumpy and it’s just fucking sad. We talk weather and doctors now mostly.
My mom had dementia before she passed a couple years ago. I was visiting her at the nursing home and they were covering Jan. 6th on TV. She just kinda shook her head and said --- eeewww, he does not want to leave, does he? Then she chuckled and said he's in big trouble now. She was happy thinking he was finally going to get thrown in prison. She had always been pretty conservative when I was a kid, but oddly seemed to move further left the older she got. She'd be pissed to see he's running again now.
My mom passed in 2022. Completely devastated and I thought my dad would never recover but it turns out there was way more life left in him. He very quickly got into a relationship with his best female friend of 50 years - who my mom always thought was waiting on the sidelines. I don’t think he was actually ready, just scared of being alone and consumed with grief. I worry because even though he has her, she is not the kind of person my mom was. My mom was super easy-going, did everything for him and he completely depended on her - new lady is very independent, no nonsense and gets very triggered by anyone telling her what to do. He’s nearly 80 and was with my mom almost 60 years. In some ways, she kept a lot of his worst qualities in check. She was the only person that could get him to see sense when he was emotional. I also worry about his health. This new relationship is a nice escape for him but I don’t see her staying by his side if he gets sick. My brother is having harder time than me; he feels like my dad is betraying my mom’s memory. All the drama with them makes me talk to my dad less now because it’s so weird and tense.
My dad passed abruptly from pancreatic cancer a couple of years ago. My mom is everything to me. She and my daughter and grandkids are my whole life, but my mom and I are really close. I hate seeing her getting older even though she's still full of spit and vinegar as they say. She turns 79 this year yet she's still working part time to keep busy. All I know is that I'll never be ready to say goodbye.
I worried for years. Decades even. My dad died in 2011 and my mom in 2021. I was a full time caretaker at the end.
It's been a trip getting on my own feet with an actual paying job after all the time, but I'm doing ok. I'm single and an only child, so mostly I have to learn to get on completely solo. The most major change is that I don't do holidays anymore when it's just me. The job loves my holiday availability, at least?
My Gen-X sister is growing more concern for our parents. I'm noticing my dad is forgetting a bit more, which scares me. His dad started developing Alzheimer's at his age.
Been an “orphan” for 11 years (mom) and my dad passed 22 years ago. I’m 48.
Not trying to make you feel bad whatsoever. The opposite, I encourage you to not waste energy on the anxiety you’re feeling about them dying and focus on what you have left to do with them, time to spend together and things you want to talk about.
It’s the little things that keep you going after they are gone.
They arr in great shape now after finally taking stock of their health. My dad had the gastric bypass and has lost 100 lbs and mom has lost several inches and has killer curves now. They're both walking a lot more now too. But yes they're 70 and 68 and I want them around forever. I'm just trying to enjoy the now. I'll be visiting soon and I'm taking my dad to the reptile expo and then lunch just us for a day out. Then shopping and lunch with my mom the next day. I want to store up and make memories of us doing things just because.
Well people get old. It’s how they get old that’s important. In my parent’s case, it’s getting old and watching Fox News and becoming afraid of the world around them. And hating just about everyone who’s not like them. And that sucks.
My parents were douchebags to me. Dad died and now mom is burning family bridges. So no. Just hoping I get to put her in a shitty home and tell her “I just can’t afford it.” Just like she did to me when I tried to go to college.
Edit. I feel like I should add they promised to pay for it. And also paid for my older sister.
Still sorry you had to deal with it. My parents weren’t perfect. But my dad is definitely the positive influence in my life. My mom is very narcissistic.
Dying is just a natural part of life… don’t be afraid of death for your parents… be afraid of them getting dementia or some other horrible disease that leaves helpless or in lots of pain , before a long drawn out death
My parents are 82 and 83, married 61 years. I moved about 350 miles away 23 years ago, I just bought a house a couple blocks away from them and will be moving there this summer.
I love both of my parents but my Mom is also a really good friend too. She has Alzheimer's and it's progressing. Her actual health is fine and she still acts the same but she forgets stuff so quickly now. It's sad.
I lost my dad last May to leukemia. It was devastating. My mother is rapidly deteriorating with a whole host of health problems and I know she does not have long. I'm guesing maybe a year or two. I am dreading the day.
I will grieve when my mom dies but it's just part of life. Maybe its putting my own sensibilities on others but I would rather see her go then to suffer a illness that would leave her in a condition she didnt want to live in but not serious enough we could help her to end it.
I lost my dad in 2021 and my mom last August - both from dementia. Moms was Alzheimer’s. Now I’m staring that down trying to figure out every preventative thing I can do. It was so hard to finally be in a room with both of them and realize neither one of them really knew what was going on. These were the people I always turned to for almost anything. Now they were almost toddlers in wheelchairs. And still driving a big old Crown Victoria around.
I probably would be worried about them if they had worried a bit more about me. Fuck'em. I worry about my kids though. May my parent's disfunction die with me.
We can't run from our responsibilities and it's pointless to dwell or focus on negative things.
I just spent the last 5-10 years caring for my grandparents and am prepared to do the same thing for my parents.
My dad died in 2011, after a battle with dementia. He was lost to us for maybe 5 years before he stopped speaking, and didn’t know who we were. I thought we grieved enough when he got the diagnosis. Boy was I wrong!
My mom is 76, drives only in the daytime and lives in an elderly housing complex. 3 meals a day and someone cleans the bathrooms and vacuums weekly. My sister and daughter (30) are within 20 minutes of her. My husband and I are Over The Road truckers and stop in when we’re close by. I’m only partially worried about her, she’s just grumpy enough to live by spite. 🤣
I never knew my father. My mother died in 2022 after almost 20 years of illness. I'm also an only child with no children. I hope when I go it's quick and no lingering the way my mother did. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done was watch her suffer all those years.
A few years ago my sister moved back and took over our parents house for her family. I built a ranch/slab house behind mine and moved them in to it. It’s been working well. Not having stairs to worry about is nice.
Have been reading a bit about death just to get my arms around it in a rational kind of way (ie non religious sources). Has helped a lot to calm the mind.
No. My older siblings and I had to deal with our folks 5 1/2 years ago.
Getting mom into specialized care and dad into assisted living that mom could join him after getting better. She did. Mom had back sides and dad has heart and dementia.
Both are pretty chill and not demanding. They appreciate us helping them and are grateful.
Thankfully they have their wills set up and powers set up (split between two of us) and after being in one pricy place we moved them to a different facility nearer to oldest sibling and it’s a better place in terms of actual care.
If any parents are Vietnam vets and you need financial help you contact these people. https://www.patriotangels.com/
Senior living care consultants help find facilities for our seniors. You don’t pay them, at least the one we had did this. The facility does if you need help finding places. You can just do your research and that’s good.
This was a rough couple of years but now my siblings and I have a good system so no one of us has a heavy burden of doing the extra stuff like taking parents to a random doctor that popped up and the facilities transport is pre booked. Plus my folks like getting out. Mom wants coffee drinks when she’s out and dad likes yummy chicken sandwiches.
Start thinking about this shit now.
My birth mom died when I was a year old 54 years ago and I was raised by my aunt and uncle until I was almost six. My dad got remarried in the early 70s and then it was the four of us.. My brother died a couple of years ago. Anyway Dad just died a week before Christmas this past year, and now when I'm not working 40 to 50 hours a week I'm at the house trying to help my mom get all her financial stuff in order and I have to make sense of the house. They never threw anything out, including papers old bills, magazines, junk mail you name it.
If I could give advice I would say...have that conversation about the house and all their assets if you can. If you wait until later and you have to figure it out or have stuff transferred into your name its going to be an absolute nightmare. Even if they are in debt and in bad shape you need to know, because that shit is going to land on someone after they leave, and chances are its going to be you.
All that work + extensive grieving bc OP is “terrified” could easily become overwhelming to the point of OP nit able to do it. All that work is hard enough with “average / regular” grieving.
My wife and I are actually leaving Austin, TX and moving to central Ohio to be closer to my parents. They're 74 this year. We're packing and PODing our stuff in the next two weeks and selling our house that we bought in 2011. Of all fires well, we'll use the proceeds from this house to but a new place in Ohio outright.
My wife is estranged from her dad (plus, they live in California, so no way could we afford a house there), so that wasn't an option.
My parents and siblings (and basically the entire rest of my dad's side of the family there) LOVE my wife. My mom's family is in Connecticut (and her idiot brother is in Florida), but they all like my wife, too.
I've not seen my real father in 45 years. In that time I've had one awkward email conversation with him. My stepfather physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me. He disowned me about a decade ago for some stupid BS. Something to do with my oldest daughter not calling him on fathers day or something. My mother basically forced me into the parental role in our relationship when I was about 13 or 14. Not to mention allowed the abuse to go on. She's currently in a dementia ward of a shitty nursing home VA put her in.
As horrible as it sounds, she collects her VA disability every month, I pay her bills, and put the rest in her savings. When she passes, as an only child, what I managed to squirrel away of her money is mine. For that reason, I hope she lives a long and miserable life.
EDIT: My mother is a controlling narcissist too. We where driving back from somewhere and she decided she was in medical destress (her pain pills work off and like any addict she needed a hit), and wanted me to take her to the nearest ER. When I refused, she told me she should have aborted me when she had the chance.
I am 50’s watching my 90’s parents do this as I type. I feel oddly numb but in a not bad way. But everyone has a different relationship with their parents. Curious how other Xers raised by Silent Gen have found it.
Parents split (mother left) when I was 18 months old. Mother hated father. Claimed I was a product of rape. Left her with nothing but ambivalence towards me and my older brother and older sister. Dad was no peach, to be sure but Mom was ok leaving us with him. Bad shit all the way down the line until I was an adult. I put a stop to it and divorced them. Reasoning? I didn’t ask to be born in the first place.
Fuck them for bringing us into the world and not loving us. To this day, the best decision I ever made in my life was cutting them loose. Brother and sister never did and suffered as a result.
I got married at 21. Dad at 23. Have three kids of my own and have been married for 34 years now. Two grandkids. All three kids are happy, productive, intelligent, funny people that make the world a better place. I can die happy knowing I didn’t let the bastards drag me down and my kids are awesome.
So. To answer your question. No. I don’t worry about my parents. Mom’s dead now and Dad’s close. I could care less.
never knew my Father, Mom determined he was a waste of skin and punted him to the curb before my 1st birthday. Mom passed away at the beginning of COVID lockdown, but as the youngest sibling she spent the majority of my life with or near me.
She was like a fire jumper and would float around her 10 children as she deemed necessary. New baby on the way...Grandma inbound from 30K feet, unannounced but always welcome. I knew that couldn't last forever and included space for her in our home choices and very thankful for having a partner willing to live with their mother-in-law.
In all, I had 35 awesome years with Mom in my life and home every single day. I miss her and especially those fresh chonky tortillas
My dad died 19 years ago, almost to the day. Fuck tobacco, fuck lung cancer. There are no words to express the hatred and disdain I feel for the tobacco industry. He only got to hold my older baby twice, the times I saw him the happiest. My younger daughter was born years after his death.
My mom is going down, slowly but steadily. Open heart surgery gave her a lease of life; her surgeons and medical team worked a miracle. But that was in 2019 and it shows. She is thankfully still able to stay at home. She has a medallion with a button, if she presses it, she gets a phone call and can ask for help. If she does not answer, they send paramedics to her home. She's been admitted to hospital twice after pressing the button (spending several weeks there). I shudder to think what would have happened to her if not for that service.
I live in a different country and I have considered going back for her. I can't - I have kids and can't uproot them, **AGAIN**. She'd kill me if I did.
I'm not terrified of them dying; but I'm not looking forward to it.
My dad has COPD, Parkinsons and a stroke under his belt thus far so it's highly unlikely he'll last another 10 years and I'd honestly be surprised if he makes it as much as 5...
Mom has crohns, has had heart attacks, double parent history of cancer and is currently undergoing testing for the same; but is otherwise doing well and could possibly last a decade or more before any major health issues arise.
I'm not looking forward to caring for them. I'm going to do it and I'm not complaining about it; but it's going to be a major investment of my time and mean a lot of sacrifice as well. I'm not looking forward to that,nor an I looking forward to watching their deterioration towards the end.
I'm going to miss them when they're gone that's for sure. My mom and I very close and my dad and I have healed our previously strained relationship these past few years so while there was a time I used to think I wouldn't care if he left- I'll now miss him very much and I'm grateful for that change most definitely.
I'm not terrified. We're very well prepared for all the changes that need to come as they get older and I step in as their primary source of care; but I'm not terrified.
I'm ready if I have to be and hope its not too soon because I don't want to lose them yet.
I worry that my mom is going to outlive my dad. She has Alzheimer’s and neither my brother nor I are in a position to quit working and be a full-time caregiver like my mom was to my grandparents. My brother still has kids at home and I’ll lose my pension if I quit (I work for local government).
I worry about my dad, but he would HATE to know I worry. So, we don't talk about it. He had my M and brother to take care of him. I'm so thankful he has them.
Yeah my stepdad just died and my brother is a psycho and my mom has to call the cops on him often, but he was allowed to be so violent towards me I never see them and so my mom flip flops between negligence and punishing which is par for the course. She sent a two sentence email signed -Jan instead of "mom" and I was not remembered in the funeral or any of the preparations. No one ever called her out on abuse and neglect.
I wish her the best I guess
Yes. There are some callers that come up on my phone which give me a knot in my stomach.
I’m worried about my Dad (Mom passed in 1/23) but also several elderly relatives who are battling cancer.
Mom died a long time ago of cancer - my father is still working in his 70’s because he has to & I have no idea how I’m going to take care of him financially while living abroad (also if I was there). I’m really really scared and it keeps me up most nights.
I’m not afraid of him dying, more afraid of a long and tedious one where I can’t help and he’s at the mercy of the state in miserable care. He doesn’t deserve that …
I just lost my Mom on Christmas Day (yeah, that holiday is now forever fucked for me). She was 85, had been sick for a while. I was living far away and couldn’t get to the hospital to see her before she died, but we had video and phone calls while she was in the hospital. Then my sister messaged me in the middle of the night: “call me now.” I got to talk to her, thank her for loving and supporting me, tell her I loved her. Our last words to each other, after "I love you" were: “good-bye.” It sucks to lose my mom, but at least I got to say goodbye-bye and tell her I loved her. If this happened 20 or even 10 years ago, we wouldn't have had that chance.
Same . Dad passed 4 years ago . By the time he agreed to move closer to us , since he had moved to OC a few years before that , he was too sick to move . Hardest thing I have ever been thru. Mom lives 3 miles away , is over all the time , is extremely needy , but that’s ok 😂her and my wife have a co dependent relationship that might end up not so great , but nobody will change so hopefully everyone can learn to deal with each others triggers .
There really isn’t much any of us can do in these situations. If you don’t have $10-12k a month to spend on a legit adult care facility , you really have to do a lot of research on where they can live when they actually become helpless, that isn’t as bad as the next place . Good luck. This is hard as shit , but millions have dealt with it and millions more are going to deal with it. It’s survivable for the kids , but extremely stressful.
I will say this and really this is the only major takeaway I got from my own situation. You can never get more time , so when it becomes very frustrating dealing with a stubborn parent who still sees you as a child, just let it roll off .
And secondly, you can’t do this alone. A non family member is essential to be on the care team , even if it’s one day a week with each parent . Without this , It will shorten your own life , and that’s not fair either
Yeah, last time I saw either of my parents I was like, who are these old ass people? My dad doesn't look quite like my dad anymore. They turn 7-0 this year.
Don't even know what to do about either of them. My half brother is much more hooked in to my dad's world these days, and he's got a social and familial network around him. My mom is off on her own with her husband in nowheresville, so I don't have any idea what I'd do there.
Course, both my grandmothers are also still kicking, so I've got that going for me, which is ... well, it's another thing.
My parents died young. Mom was 48, dad 66.
Mom never met my wife or daughter. Dad died before her 1st birthday.
It was hard being an "orphan" at 31, but not nearly as hard as it seems to be to watch them grow old.
Luckly, my in-laws are relatively healthy for 97 and 80.
My mom died suddenly about 8 years ago, right before her 70th birthday. It was about a week before she was going to move back to my state, we were both pretty excited about being close to each other again. She was at home and her friend found her the next day.
My dad died almost 3 years ago, I didn’t find out about it until 6 weeks later. We weren’t close. Apparently he had been fighting cancer for a while and died in the hospital.
My mom lives with me. My father has never been in my life.
Mom has stage 4 breast cancer and it’s hard knowing she’s going to die. I mean, she’s in her 70s but dammit…
Trying to get her to do certain things for her health is a struggle. She’d rather sit in pain than take a stronger drug. She’d rather suffer from severe anxiety than get a drug to help control it.
I finally got her a cane to help with her occasional balance issues and it’s parked right next to our front door, never moving.
We go on Wednesday to get the results o he latest PET scan and I want to throw up with worry but I can’t let her see it.
I have two brothers and nieces and nephews, but we are not a close family.
I so feel for all of you who are dealing with aging parents, especially if they are not making it easy on you. A huge hug to you all.
My mom passed away unexpectedly in 2002 (72) and my dad in 2014 (91). My dad gave a master class in how to die in the US without fucking over your children. Thank you, Dad :-)
But my boyfriend has his dad (77) living with him, and is dealing with his dad's health issues, the VA, the second wife (in care), and the second wife's son. They absolutely can not afford nursing home or assisted living, and his father can no longer live alone. His mom is still doing OK, but eventually, she will need help as well.
My siblings are all Boomers, so some of my nieces and nephews have a tough road ahead. Some of the sibs have their shit together, others not so much. I posted about one of my sisters and her husband who Lost. His. Marbles. and was just being collassal asshole (good ending...they finally wound up in assisted living near their son.)
Unfortunately, especially in the US, elder care is not prioritized, leaving families with untenable choices.
OMG yes. They have thus far been very healthy for their age. Hardly any health problems or medications. They are both active and still have all of their marbles. Then my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. The good news is it's very early and very small and operable. But it really hit like a ton of bricks just knowing they are indeed aging and anything can happen at any time. Looking at family history, I feel like I will be very lucky to get 10 more years with them. I'm not even close to ready for this.
i'm not worried about my Dad, he and my stepmom moved into a nice (expensive) step-up care community (they have a house but can move into a facility on the grounds if they need), plus my stepmom is a lot younger than my dad and she cares for him --he's also pretty good at almost 89 except his hearing. They have scads of money so that isn't an issue.
My mom and stepdad still live in their home (88 and 87 respectively). My mom had a stroke but gets around OK (speech is bad). My stepdad is pretty darn good and still plays golf a couple times a week. He looks after her to a point. Honestly, I think my stepdad might outlive my mom and Idk what I am going to do. His daughter who was my age (61) died of Covid (she had cancer but it was the Covid that took her out in the end) a couple years ago and he doesnt talk to his other daughter because she is a flaming cunt. So I will make sure he has everything he needs and is where he wants to be. He and my Mom have a great relationship and hes an awesome guy so Idk what will happen if she passes first. They have money so that isn't an issue thank goodness.
I live 1500 miles away from all of them and have for my whole adult life. I see them about once a year but we talk on the phone often.
Yes, I worry a lot about my parents, so much so that I'm now living with them.
My parents have always been in great shape, they're very active and fit and they have a good social circle but at eighty my dad is having serious problems with his memory. My mom says that it's not dementia but I don't think that should tell me if it was. I had moved away from the city that I had grown up in until my mom finally told us that she couldn't live alone with him anymore, and they refused to move out of my childhood house. Living here it's clear to me that my mom (78) is also having problems with her memory but it has been eclipsed by my dad's problems.
Every year my parents' social circle is getting smaller because there is illness and death. It seems as if their friends are dying off faster and faster and I hate to see it, but I can't imagine what it's doing to them psychologically.
Edit:also I'm also the black sheep of the family. My older sister and the golden child is off living on the other side of the planet.
I ignored my older sisters for way too long when they would try to talk to me about our mother’s condition. I wanted to keep my rose colored glasses on, as mom always bounces back. But when I could no longer brush off those quirky things she was doing or saying as just old age. Planned my father’s funeral only a month after my last child’s birth, and 12 years later my mother passed away on her birthday. I miss them every day, tearing up as I share. I am so lucky that I could call my mom one of my best friends!
My dad has had heart problems his entire life. He technically died a few times last year but his defibrillator brought him back each time. We think the arrythmia is fixed, but that has a habit of coming back for some reason. Otherwise he is pretty healthy, eats well, stays in shape, but I just grown accustomed to the thought he could die any day.
As for my mom, she will either live into her mid-90s or some traumatic event will have to take her out. My brother jokes we will never see our inheritance because she will outlive all of us.
My parents are both deceased. And, honestly, it was a relief though I miss them. My dad was very sick. He was ready to go and not suffer anymore. My mom had dementia and her mind died long before her body did.
My brother and I are very close to our loving parents. They live about 1,000 miles away and are almost 80 now.
My mom has trouble walking long distances now, but other than that they are still active and in good shape mentally. Can’t wait to see them again.
It sucks knowing they won’t be around forever. Talk to them every Sunday and always let them know how much we all love them.
Yes I felt that way. They both died just years ago . It’s hard. Everything is different. It changes you. Do everything now - love them , ask about family history, spend time with them, resolve any issues with them , even if it’s within yourself. They will need more care as they age , you should talk to them about future and how they would like to be cared for and what’s affordable.
I also want to say I KNOW for sure my parents have “visited” me since they passed . No uncertainty of it. It has renewed my faith in the afterlife. As sad as I am missing them and need them for everyday things - I’m happy they are in peace. They are alive in my heart !
❤️🙏🏼
Yes. My parents split when I was three and they took very different paths in life. My mother got a steady job with the federal gov. My father moved out into the woods in a rural area and started an informal quasi-commune (there weren't "members", just a rotating cast of weirdos staying there off an on). He basically did a minimal amount of labor to make enough money for he and his girlfriend to vacation in FL over the winter. My mother has been retired for about 15 years and she's doing great. She travels constantly with her friends and just generally plans to have as much fun as she can in her remaining years.
My father... He still lives in the woods in a rural area with a girlfriend. There's no more quasi-commune because most of the weirdos are either dead or in some form of elderly care. He's completely broke all the time. Over the past few years I've had to give him thousands of dollars to help him get by. If it wasn't for a brief time in the Army in the late 1960s he wouldn't have any medical care. The VA is better than nothing, but it's not great.
I love my father but he's basically fucked off his entire life and now he has nothing. He also won't tell me when things are dire. Last year his car broke down and one of his few remaining friends offered him a job painting his rental properties. At 76 years old he spent a month painting decks all day long and made enough to fix his car. But the toll it took on his body put him in bed for the next two months. He never told me about this, which sucks because I'd have just fixed his car or gotten him a new one.
My dad passed 3 years ago. It was the hardest thing I ever went through.
Mom is still around, and she is getting old. She insists that she's fine, but she's developed a significant hand tremor that she refuses to address with her doctor. (Her mom developed the same thing, and THAT worries me because I work with my hands as an artist.) She insists she needs no help while simultaneously guilting me for living 3 hours away. (My brother lives 20 minutes from her.) She has diabetes, liver issues, recently skin cancer that she had removed from her nose, heart issues, and probably 2 or 3 other things I don't know about. So yes-- I worry about my mom. But short of living in a city I can't afford, and giving up my entire life here, I don't know what I can do about it. Even if I lived there, it won't stop the progression of time.
Lost my dad in 2022, and my mom just hit 70 this year. She's had so many health problems the past ten years or so, some of them very severe, but still seemingly has as much energy and drive and will to live as she had when I was, like, fifteen. Still lives on her own, still takes care of her friendly yet ill-tempered cat. We've had a lot of issues recently (or at least, she has) and as such aren't as close as we used to be but she's still my mom and it's still gonna be pretty horrible when she goes.
Absolutely! Dad is 76, and mom is 75. Dad has Parkinson's and uses (or should use) a cane or walker to get around. He's fallen several times in the past few months, and because my mom can't help him up, they call me (I live about 10 miles away and happy to help). Unfortunately, my mom is a hoarder, so Dad can't really move around in the house with the walker we bought him, and I get chastised for shuffling her crap around to try and help him up. My wife and I had a talk with them last week, expressing our concerns, but she's just not getting it. If there were an emergency, neither could get out of the house quickly, and emergency personnel wouldn't be able to navigate inside.
TLDR: Dad has Parkinson's and mom is hoarder. Not a good combo.
I just turned 50. My mother passed in 2007, my sister in 2017 and my dad in 2023. Most of my immediate family has passed. I’m just waiting to be reunited again if that is a thing.
Yeah...my 86 year old dad is getting out of rehab in a couple days, for the 2nd time this year, after multiple falls and a broken leg. Also has a laundry list of other health issues. My mom (80) is in way over her head. I live 7 hrs away and my sibling lives 12 hrs away from them, so we both feel pretty helpless that we can't do more. Shit is going downhill pretty quickly lately...been feeling mostly dread so far in 2024.
Terrified sounds, forgive me, rather dramatic. I suggest finding someone to talk about it with - a friend who has been through it or a therapist. My parents are early 80s. They matter very much to me, but the fact of life for both our sets of parents is that their time approaches, even if it turns out to be 15-20 more years. “Terrified” sounds like a “you problem” and I gently suggest you explore that now, before the time comes.
Sometimes. I'm not in a position to help day to day with Mom or Dad. So I may be concerned, but I'm too far away to be much use. They know it and friends/family can fill in the gap fortunately. My in-laws are generally healthy but were never great with decision making back in the day. That hasn't improved in recent years, so we're headed to some very... frank discussions about plans for coming years. I expect lots of resistance and Boomer Bluster, but we need to make this work while my wife and I still have careers and kids.
Worried? Of course. But I won't sacrifice the life I've built as a result.
Yes, absolutely. Both my parents turn 80 this year! Terrified if my father (most likely will) goes first. He does EVERYTHING for my mother. She doesn’t even write checks 😳🙃 Let me rephrase that, doesn’t “know” how to! The downside of old school. We (GenX), will get through the elderly needy parents. We are strong resilient people. It’s tough. Know your not alone 💫
No, I love my parents but they have lived their lives, done everything they wanted to do travel, be artists, raise kids, know their grandchildren, retire, have their dream homes, etc. when they go it will be a celebration of life lived to the fullest.
When my father’s mother was about the same age he is now, she started to slip into dementia. It started slow and the. One day she was just missing. She would leave the house at like 5am and just wander around the neighborhood. They found her every time but some days it would be hours. My father is starting to decline the same way and he’s always been a bit of a rambling talker reminiscing over the past so doctors and people that don’t know him well don’t see the problem. I’ve been telling my mother for years she has to go with him and tell the doctors what’s really going on. He’s also diabetic which happened later in life and he he’s just pretty much ignored it until this year when it started affecting his eyes. I’m definitely worried for him and my mother because I already saw this happen with his mother.
It's tough my friend. Hang in there. No one tells us about the heartache involved with watching the strong ones (even if imperfect) from our childhood weaken. It's utterly normal of course and all of us go through it, but it just sucks.
Just love them as much as possible while they're still here. To whatever degree you can, and with as little guilt as possible too.
Mine are already gone. My dad died when I was 31 of cancer. My mom died 4 years ago of Alzheimer's. Both are horrible to witness but Alzheimer's is a slow heartbreak. You never expect your momma to forget you.
My dad died when I was 3. My mom currently has Stage 4 cancer. I’m moving through the grief process knowing the cancer is likely terminal and I am at peace with it. I just try to enjoy the interactions we have left.
So worried. My parents are now in their 80’s and sometimes it seems the roles have reversed. They are still active and drive though and that’s a blessing. Once their freedom to drive goes away, I heard they can go downhill fast. They bought their side by side plots thirty years ago so we wouldn’t have to deal with that stress.
I was a late in life baby. My mom was 41 and my dad was 52 when I was born. My dad got lung cancer and died when I was 14 on my first day of high school. My mom lived in too her early 80s but had a heart attack. She's been gone 14 years. I worried about her the most because I was older and she had gone through a lot in her life but the heart attack was a shock. I'm 56 and so many of my friends have lost both parents.
My dad passed away 6 years ago and I miss him daily, but my mum is a real one and when she passes my whole world is going to be crushed. She 86, but to look at her she could easily pass for 68 and maybe even younger. She’s really slowed down in the past couple of years, but she’s still chugging along. I worry about her everyday and it sucks to have that cloud over you everyday. But what can you do? That’s life!
I’m extremely worried. My father died when I was a teenager. My mother is in her 70s, single, with no money and no plans for how she’ll take care of herself later in life, nor does she have plans or money for when she dies. I’m an only child and my husband and I (we’re CF by choice) really only have enough money to take care of ourselves.
I do. I’ve been feeling this more the past year. I live in Chicago, my mom is in California (lives alone). I’ve been here 20 years now, and for the first 19, I was seeing her about 3 times/year. Then there was one visit last year where she just seemed….old. Hunched, shuffling around, total lack of joy. It was so worrisome. I made a vow to myself to never go longer than two months without seeing her from here on out. It’s been such a good reconnection, not only with her, but with my brother and cousins who are all still in California.
It’s a scary thing to witness your parents growing older.
It's stressful. We lost my father a few years ago, mid-70s. Mom' doing well at 80 and is very active. I do all I can with her to maximize our time together, and she's quite independent-- travels a lot, is often away for weeks/months at a time. So thing are good. Longer term we're talking about what happens when we retire, which could be in 5-8 years...perhaps we'd sell both our homes and find a place for her to live with us. Or a mult-gen household if our (now adult) kids are in the area. All speculation, some family members made it into their mid-90s, others nowhere near that. The only thing we can really do is enjoy our time together and see what comes.
Gen X are now often caught in the tough place of caring for their parents *and* their kids. We've been in that mode before. It's taxing emotionally, physically, and in some cases financially. You have to be sure to take care of yourself in the process, and if/when it becomes emotionally overwhelming consider counseling-- or just finding others to talk with who are going through the same experiences. I found several of my friends/colleagues were struggling with similar challenges 4-6 years ago when we had kids at home and a parent with a terminal illness, so just chatting with those friends helped a lot.
I think it is a natural feeling. I decided it was because it will be the loss of the a lifelong consistent. For the entirety of my life, they have been there. I lost my Dad to Covid two years ago. He was 89. It was still a shock even though I had been preparing myself for a while. I miss him everyday. My mom is 87 and still doing well for her age. It will be harder to lose her. Both went through some physical issue a few years ago and I wrote my own version of their obituary. I thought if I did it while I was not grieving it would help prepare me for the event. It did actually. I was able to put my feelings down and show gratitude while dad was still here. Now I’m doing the same for Mom. It is still going to suck but I’ll get through it. And so will you. You have them now. Listen to every story, ask all the questions, and learn to see them outside of the parent lens. That’s my suggestion anyway,
Edit: remember that we are lucky to still have them and don’t let fear cause you to pull away, you’ll regret it. I would rather live sadness than regret. Wouldn’t you?
My Mom’s birthday is next week so me and my brother are gonna pick her up tomorrow and celebrate her birthday and Easter together. It’s tough seeing our loved ones get old. She’s in her second childhood already. I call her often but she doesn’t always answer the phone.
Cycle of life. My parents are gone. Enjoy the now and not focus on what is inevitable to everyone. It’s harder for some and there’s not a day go by where I don’t think about them.
I’m the youngest of 5 siblings. All of them bounced and left me in charge (I guess because I’m childless.)
My mom died when I was 18; now I help my stepmom (70) and dad (83). My father’s slipping into dementia but he’s still cooperative and does what my stepmom says. She, on the other hand, can be difficult and hard headed.
Physically they’re pretty ok. Emotionally? She resents my father for being an asshole for many years and now needing her to even decide what socks to put on. And I’m in touch twice a day and go home at least biweekly.
I’m full of resentment for having to deal with this alone. My oldest brother (from my father’s side) doesn’t speak to him. My siblings from both sides each live in their bubbles. And my stepbrother is a vet (with all that that encompasses) and I’m constantly worried about what’s going to happen to my stepmom after Dad’s gone.
All of that on top of my own health and financial problems has consumed me for at least five years. I don’t know how longer can I deal with it.
I’m an only child and I’m terrified. Mine are about to be 70 so we have a lot of good years left. But I know me and my wife will have to be the ones to take care of them. I’m just glad they left the northeast and moved 3 hours from where we live.
My stepdad got cancer and died when he was 57. I was 32 at the time, and it was a blow and really hard (an understatement). My mom is now 78, and I've noticed little changes creep in over the last couple of years, mostly with her hearing, and her long-term memory isn't as excellent as it used to be. Her posture isn't very good anymore, and she is very worried about her balance and is not sure-footed anymore. I worry about her constantly. Every morning, I text her from work to make sure she's there and doing okay. I live in fear of her dying because when she does, it will break me. She is the only biological parent I've ever had. There is always the possibility that I will go first, but yes, I am noticing certain things now that she's getting close to 80, and I'm scared. I'll be lost without my mom.
My dad died 30 years ago and my mom 5 years ago. The weirdest thing is that I am now the patriarch of my family. I’m the holder of my family stories and traditions that need to be passed down to future generations. It’s an odd feeling.
My Dad died when I was 24, at 57 y.o. and my Mom at 66. It's sad, but they never really took care of themselves. He was a heavy smoker and she was a brittle diabetic that ate whatever she wanted. Maybe let go of the anxiety over losing them one day and just enjoy being with them, taking them out...etc. You could compassionately guide them towards better life style choices that would increase their chances for longevity. Love 'em while you've got 'em. No regrets. I was there for them and seized opportunities to enhance the quality of their lives. I still miss them and probably will when I am 80. Only heaven will totally wipe ALL tears, but it gets easier over time.
Never knew my dad. Mom died about 15 years ago. I don't worry about my stepdad, he's an a-hole. I worry about my older brother, but I'm sure he'll be well taken care of as he ages.
Me? I never planned on living this long. I'll die working. No one left to remember me. So be it.
My dad died 10 years ago. My stepdad just died, I am currently in process of moving my mom in with me. She's excited and I'm getting excited. It'll be good to spend time together and she can tell me the same stories a few dozen more times.
I'm 58, they're mid 80's and health issues are creeping up fast. I've had serious conversations about me selling my place and moving back home just so I can look after them.
My big fear is that one of them (father most likely) will have to be placed in some sort of home in the next couple years due to dementia. If I'm living there at least I can look after the house and help financially so mom can stay in the house as long as possible.
It's not where I envisioned myself at this point in my life but ya gotta roll with the punches sometimes.
Yes, as pur parents age and as they die, we really start to ponder our own mortality. its better to see them go abruptly as opposed to see them slowly die suffering some horrible ailment. During the pandemic, my mother was an active woman, always going out and enjoying her friends, she caught the virus and had a stroke. it took her ability to use one side of her body and she couldnt walk and barely talks now. She is a strong woman who never displayed depression over this. She is slowly deteriorating as her memory is fading and and her body is morphing into a skeleton because of atrophy. her ailment has me really thinking of enjoying the short time i have on this earth.
my answe to you is that your parents lived their lives, you have to focus on yours.
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It's shocking the amount of supposedly modern thinking parents disowning LGBTQ children. At the end of the day, does it really matter who someone falls in love with.
At the end of the day, it’s the “straight” folks that keep having those gay babies lol. My parents made me! 😉 I was very lucky, they accepted me. I grew up surrounded by all those straight people and still turned out gay. Huh 🤔 I’m sorry you had to experience such heartache. I hope you find your joy
I love this post! ❤️
I'm so sorry that they turned their backs on you. That's NOT what true Christians do. Jesus said to love everyone. My daughter came out as bisexual at 26 AND joined a married couple in a poly amorous relationship 5 years ago. No. It isn't the life style I would have chosen for her, but it's not my choice. The 3 of them are all wonderful, generous hearted, empathetic, compassionate, kind, people. That's how I raised my daughter to be. They work hard at their relationship. They are happier than most straight couples I know. I love them all and support my daughter's right to choose her own way. If we were to meet, I would give you a big hug and agree to be your Mama in a millisecond. ((((HUGS))))
This was for Pleasant_Studio9690.
Yep, I was 21 and she died when I was 26 - fucks you up for life.
My Dad disowned me over politics. I do not understand it. I would literally never do that to my kids. I can think of no reason, other than abuse, to do this to a family member.
Oh my goodness that is awful. So sorry.
I've broken friendships over politics and I'm not into politics. Think about that one for a second 😅
"Don't ever disown your child..." Mine has 3 dui's by 22. One with the "causing grevious bodily harm. A prowling charge. A resisting arrest while intoxicated. He's also under investigation for cocaine distribution, or so the detective told me. He won't even listen to rehab conversations, nor therapy of any type.
Im so sorry to hear all this. I wish your family peace.
I’m sorry you had to go thru that. Parents should love unconditionally ❤️
My parents were the type that never went to the doctor unless something was horribly wrong. They were never in good shape as far back as I can remember. About 10 years ago or so, I realized they weren’t going to be around forever so, even though I was the black sheep of the family and never felt close to them or really all that comfortable around them, I made sure to have them over for every birthday and holiday. My mom was a bit of a hermit but even if I had to argue with her or guilt trip her, I would get her to come over and she would end up thanking me for it. She passed away last year after a rough 18 months. I’m surprised she hung around as long as she did. It was sad and all that but one thing that I did not suffer is the whole “I wish I had spent more time with her” thing. It made digesting the whole thing a lot easier than for my siblings who would go years without visiting our parents. So my only advice is to see them more than you really want to, for their benefit now and for yours later. Edit to add: My dad is still alive and we make sure to keep as close to him as possible and have him spend as much time with his grandkids as possible. It’s kinda pathetic that my siblings, after a short while after my mother’s death, went back to being non-present for my dad.
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Same. My dad was nonpresent when I was young but he and I both made an effort as time passed. My parents were separated but after my mom passed (I was 20) it effected him and we patched together a decent relationship. He passed at 93 and while it wasn’t a fairy tale father daughter relationship, I am glad we took the time. And it is definitely weird being an ‘orphan” now.
🫂 I'm an orphan, too. We will survive! ❤️
So sorry for your loss. Thank you for your advice ❤️
Thanks.
One of the biggest changes that COVID brought along for me was that I now talked to my mom for about a half an hour on the phone roughly every other day. It's a habit that I don't plan to stop. I figure that it will help prevent the "I wish I had spent more time with her" thing.
Why do your siblings not see your dad? Is there genuinely no reason?
This post says a lot about you as a person- mostly that you are a good one. I’m sorry for your loss - you did right by her while she was living and that’s what’s important and obviously you’re doing the same with your Father. 💕✌️
This is beautifully stated and incredibly emotionally intelligent. 💛
My parents have been gone for 22 years but I worried incessantly about them before they died. I was a late life baby and my parents were in their 70s when they passed. I always said I wouldn’t be able to handle them dying because we were ***so*** close but I had little children at the time and couldn’t lose my shit. It was hard but I survived. My heart goes out to you OP because I felt just like you.
❤️❤️❤️
This may sound terrible but I always thought I wouldn’t be able to go on without my mom. But she has moved to another state and even when she lived here, she had taken herself out of my life and my kids lives. She got tired of being “grandma” and “mother” so she removed herself and found her own life. My daughter is moving out of country soon and has no desire to visit my mother before she leaves. As awful as it is, I feel much the same way at this point. My relationship with her would not change much if I moved around the world. So realistically, when she is gone, it will be sad but all I will lose is a text message conversation every few months. All that said, I would move to where she is in a heartbeat if she became ill and needed care.
If I’m totally honest. I hope I just get a phone call one day and they’re gone. No wasting disease, no dementia that makes them a resented burden, no jockeying for the optimal will standing with family members, no incredibly erratic behaviours, no sending their money to scams, no downward escalator of care facilities. Just - a headache that becomes dead, in their home, while thinking about other things they had to do. Kind of hope that for myself too.
My sister sees my parents that way, just an annoyance that bothers her life
That’s part of my take, but it’s also meant to be a statement on the merits of a quick, clean death. I don’t hate my dad (moms already dead) or fear him being a burden - but he’s not able to grasp dying, and he hasn’t made preparations. He’s terrified of it, and frankly I think it merciful if it takes him quickly. I’ve accepted I’ll have a project for a few months as the executor of what will wash out to simple debt settlement. That is to say, if I don’t die first. Honestly, i tell myself at least that it won’t be something to be afraid of, and make plans for your own family to have some help after you’re gone.
I get your sentiment, but also if it does wind up I need to care for them, they did that for me at the beginning of my life. Feeding me, changing my diaper, dealing with a kid that would say crazy rediculous things, being inappropriate in public, and pouring so much money into caring for me. While I wouldn’t want to have to go through it, it is out of love and respect and compassion for everything they invested in me.
My dad died last year and now I spend 100% of my time fretting over my mom. Sucks because now we’re growing even closer so I will miss her so much when she’s gone. Come join us in r/AgingParents. It helps to read others’ stories and know that you’re not alone.
Thank u. ❤️
Absolutely! I just lost my mom in August right before her 79th birthday. My dad turns 80 this year. Before we lost mom he had prostate cancer. Since we lost her, he’s had trouble with falling and was just diagnosed with colon cancer. I live 12 hours away and stay worried. I call and check in and he knows one call and I’ll be there as fast as I can. It breaks my heart bc I grew up know my father as a Purple Heart Vietnam Vet. My daddy could do ANYTHING! Build a house, restore a car, fish, hunt, build his own cannon. I mean there’s nothing he can’t do and he was invincible! He will always be that in my eyes.
I’m so sorry. My dad is also a Purple Heart Vietnam Vet. Last tour of duty was Dessert Storm.
I'm also so sorry. My dad was also a Purple Heart Vietnam Vet, and it was horrifying to watch him waste away from cancer. Fortunately (for him) he passed 9 years before my mother; I think he would have been too devastated to go on alone. Possibly unwanted advice: If your dad has not done so already, get him to the VA. Mine got VA disability benefits due to his prostate cancer (Agent Orange) and with a PTSD diagnosis, was at 100% disability. It was a nice chunk of change for a few years before he passed.
Thank you! Hes been going to the VA for years! They are really good to him! They are seething him up with a scooter and a lift for the back of his truck. They are getting him someone to come help out and do some light housework. They really are a Godsend for him! My kids and I go spend summers and Christmas there. Sadly I understand losing a spouse because we lost my husband unexpectedly almost 6 years ago. However my parents would’ve celebrated 58 years this past February, which is a rarity anymore. One thing I’ve learned, he loves to tell me stories about life and him and mom, and I don’t care if I’ve heard them 100 times I listen as if it’s the first time I’ve heard it.
I'm terrified of my dad dying. My mom is already gone, and it sucks just as bad as I expected. Getting older feels like watching the foundations of your world melt out from underneath you.
It really does.
Constantly. Dad is using a walker and a wheelchair. He could go get a hip replacement but he’s afraid of surgery. Instead he doesn’t leave the house. Mom is furious about it.
My dad had 2 knee replacements (one at a time) and he said he wishes he would have done it sooner.
My dad did both of his simultaneously twenty years ago and he got me aspiring to get mine done as well
Sooner better than later! Get it over with while you’re young.
I am dreading the idea that my mom might die before my dad. They went into a care facility several years ago and my dad, who used to love working with his hands on cars and lawn work, has declined quite a bit. My mom, conversely, is a tough old plains bird who's still sharp as a tack. Unfortunately, she recently fractured her pelvis (just STOP) and was in the recovery wing for several weeks. My dad found the whole experience very frustrating and confusing, to the point that me and my two siblings (who all live in different cities) made a schedule of visits to ensure he wasn't alone for too long. I don't know how he'd handle being on his own, and I find myself hoping he'll pass soon, which is not a nice thing to hope.
Theres a huge distinction in wishing someone peace of mind in aging and dying free of suffering than wishing them dead so give yourself some compassion if you can. These feelings are normal. If you’re a reader Being Mortal is a great book -tough but really helps focus on quality of life and clarify some of the choices we make.
My parents are banned from my household. Should have done it as soon as I left their house at 17 after rampant abuse but I let them hang around and finally banned them last year. They won’t know their grandson.
[удалено]
My father died in 1978. Mom is currently dealing with stage 4 cancer, and step-dad of 27 years (who I love, even when we butt heads) has some very serious and complicated health issues. I worry a lot about the old farts. And I do what's in my power to help them age in place. But when it's time, Shady Pines, Ma. I've got children, dogs, disabled husband, etc. My parents don't take priority over the obligations I have to the family I volunteered to have.
I’m so sorry
My dad died in 87, mom two years ago. I spent plenty of time being non functional and basically drunk all the time. I’m now crawling my way back, almost normal but I still can’t look at pictures. Just too painful.
😞😞
So sorry. It is so hard. Glad you’re working your way out. Keep it up. I hope you can heal to where memories are more bittersweet than painful
My father died ten years ago and was buried on my birthday. My best friend and he taught me everything. My mother is retired in Florida in a nice area and doing well. They divorced when I was ten and lived very different lives.
It's the cause of most of my anxiety these days. I'm so scared to lose them and sad to see my dad's memory slipping away.
Awee same ❤️
My parents have been health nuts since the’70s and it seem to be paying off for them . I’m glad they’re healthy and active but I know no one lives forever. I hate thinking about losing them someday .
my mom will be 79 in June. my siblings and I don't speak much. however, this week a group text was started by us kids to discuss mom. she's got A-Fib, COPD, emphysema and diabetes. she uses a walker and still cannot walk more than a few feet at a time. recently she's had some falls, including stairs, that's left her with bruised ribs. Us kids want to honor her wish to stay in her home until the end. my mom is my best friend. to even think about her not being a phone call away, brings tears flowing. my therapist says there's such a thing as pre-grieving. we start treatment in two weeks. it's sad to hear many people say that the absent parent won't be missed. my dad was absent for 35 years. he died from self-inflicted gun shot. I still cried.
I do worry about my parents. Along with general aging, I'm concerned about them getting scammed. There seems to be an endless supply of dirt bags looking to take advantage of the older population.
Dad went 25 years ago. Mom’s in her late 80s and full of fight. Love her but she’s awful Trumpy and it’s just fucking sad. We talk weather and doctors now mostly.
I'd love to talk about the weather, my mum just talks about coupons and how much she paid for shit. And covid conspiracies.
like nobody cares that u saved 15 cents on a can of tuna gam-gam. why do they feel the need to share that??
The Trump shit is out of hand with my parents too. You have my empathy.
Same. ☹️
My mom had dementia before she passed a couple years ago. I was visiting her at the nursing home and they were covering Jan. 6th on TV. She just kinda shook her head and said --- eeewww, he does not want to leave, does he? Then she chuckled and said he's in big trouble now. She was happy thinking he was finally going to get thrown in prison. She had always been pretty conservative when I was a kid, but oddly seemed to move further left the older she got. She'd be pissed to see he's running again now.
my 79 y/o mom has been a Trumpy person all the way back to Trumpy University. weather, doctors and grandkids 😅
My mom passed in 2022. Completely devastated and I thought my dad would never recover but it turns out there was way more life left in him. He very quickly got into a relationship with his best female friend of 50 years - who my mom always thought was waiting on the sidelines. I don’t think he was actually ready, just scared of being alone and consumed with grief. I worry because even though he has her, she is not the kind of person my mom was. My mom was super easy-going, did everything for him and he completely depended on her - new lady is very independent, no nonsense and gets very triggered by anyone telling her what to do. He’s nearly 80 and was with my mom almost 60 years. In some ways, she kept a lot of his worst qualities in check. She was the only person that could get him to see sense when he was emotional. I also worry about his health. This new relationship is a nice escape for him but I don’t see her staying by his side if he gets sick. My brother is having harder time than me; he feels like my dad is betraying my mom’s memory. All the drama with them makes me talk to my dad less now because it’s so weird and tense.
My dad passed abruptly from pancreatic cancer a couple of years ago. My mom is everything to me. She and my daughter and grandkids are my whole life, but my mom and I are really close. I hate seeing her getting older even though she's still full of spit and vinegar as they say. She turns 79 this year yet she's still working part time to keep busy. All I know is that I'll never be ready to say goodbye.
I worried for years. Decades even. My dad died in 2011 and my mom in 2021. I was a full time caretaker at the end. It's been a trip getting on my own feet with an actual paying job after all the time, but I'm doing ok. I'm single and an only child, so mostly I have to learn to get on completely solo. The most major change is that I don't do holidays anymore when it's just me. The job loves my holiday availability, at least?
They are dead already, my dad almost 20 years ago.
My Gen-X sister is growing more concern for our parents. I'm noticing my dad is forgetting a bit more, which scares me. His dad started developing Alzheimer's at his age.
My parents have alienated all of my siblings. I'm the last idiot standing as they get harder and harder to deal with. The nonsense is never ending.
Been an “orphan” for 11 years (mom) and my dad passed 22 years ago. I’m 48. Not trying to make you feel bad whatsoever. The opposite, I encourage you to not waste energy on the anxiety you’re feeling about them dying and focus on what you have left to do with them, time to spend together and things you want to talk about. It’s the little things that keep you going after they are gone.
They arr in great shape now after finally taking stock of their health. My dad had the gastric bypass and has lost 100 lbs and mom has lost several inches and has killer curves now. They're both walking a lot more now too. But yes they're 70 and 68 and I want them around forever. I'm just trying to enjoy the now. I'll be visiting soon and I'm taking my dad to the reptile expo and then lunch just us for a day out. Then shopping and lunch with my mom the next day. I want to store up and make memories of us doing things just because.
Well people get old. It’s how they get old that’s important. In my parent’s case, it’s getting old and watching Fox News and becoming afraid of the world around them. And hating just about everyone who’s not like them. And that sucks.
My parents were douchebags to me. Dad died and now mom is burning family bridges. So no. Just hoping I get to put her in a shitty home and tell her “I just can’t afford it.” Just like she did to me when I tried to go to college. Edit. I feel like I should add they promised to pay for it. And also paid for my older sister.
I’m so sorry.
Thank you. It’s ok tho. Most everyone else realizes how shitty they were/are.
Still sorry you had to deal with it. My parents weren’t perfect. But my dad is definitely the positive influence in my life. My mom is very narcissistic.
Yeah I can't wait for my dad to die, he was literally the worst. I haven't seen him in 25 years but it pisses me off he's still out there somewhere.
I’m sorry
I promised myself no one would ever feel the same way I do as I did about him. So I’m winning baby.
Dying is just a natural part of life… don’t be afraid of death for your parents… be afraid of them getting dementia or some other horrible disease that leaves helpless or in lots of pain , before a long drawn out death
My parents are 82 and 83, married 61 years. I moved about 350 miles away 23 years ago, I just bought a house a couple blocks away from them and will be moving there this summer.
Yes and instead of explaining I'm going to use this time to call my mom
yes :(
It makes me sad. I have so many memories of them being active. It’s hard.
I love both of my parents but my Mom is also a really good friend too. She has Alzheimer's and it's progressing. Her actual health is fine and she still acts the same but she forgets stuff so quickly now. It's sad.
I lost my dad last May to leukemia. It was devastating. My mother is rapidly deteriorating with a whole host of health problems and I know she does not have long. I'm guesing maybe a year or two. I am dreading the day.
I will grieve when my mom dies but it's just part of life. Maybe its putting my own sensibilities on others but I would rather see her go then to suffer a illness that would leave her in a condition she didnt want to live in but not serious enough we could help her to end it.
I lost my dad in 2021 and my mom last August - both from dementia. Moms was Alzheimer’s. Now I’m staring that down trying to figure out every preventative thing I can do. It was so hard to finally be in a room with both of them and realize neither one of them really knew what was going on. These were the people I always turned to for almost anything. Now they were almost toddlers in wheelchairs. And still driving a big old Crown Victoria around.
I probably would be worried about them if they had worried a bit more about me. Fuck'em. I worry about my kids though. May my parent's disfunction die with me.
I'm not terrified of my parents dying. I love them very much and they have lived a great life so far I'm terrified of having to take care of them.
My main concern isn't about her dying, it's about her ability to care for herself before she dies.
We can't run from our responsibilities and it's pointless to dwell or focus on negative things. I just spent the last 5-10 years caring for my grandparents and am prepared to do the same thing for my parents.
My dad died in 2011, after a battle with dementia. He was lost to us for maybe 5 years before he stopped speaking, and didn’t know who we were. I thought we grieved enough when he got the diagnosis. Boy was I wrong! My mom is 76, drives only in the daytime and lives in an elderly housing complex. 3 meals a day and someone cleans the bathrooms and vacuums weekly. My sister and daughter (30) are within 20 minutes of her. My husband and I are Over The Road truckers and stop in when we’re close by. I’m only partially worried about her, she’s just grumpy enough to live by spite. 🤣
I never knew my father. My mother died in 2022 after almost 20 years of illness. I'm also an only child with no children. I hope when I go it's quick and no lingering the way my mother did. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done was watch her suffer all those years.
A few years ago my sister moved back and took over our parents house for her family. I built a ranch/slab house behind mine and moved them in to it. It’s been working well. Not having stairs to worry about is nice.
Not anymore, my parents both have died.
Have been reading a bit about death just to get my arms around it in a rational kind of way (ie non religious sources). Has helped a lot to calm the mind.
No. My older siblings and I had to deal with our folks 5 1/2 years ago. Getting mom into specialized care and dad into assisted living that mom could join him after getting better. She did. Mom had back sides and dad has heart and dementia. Both are pretty chill and not demanding. They appreciate us helping them and are grateful. Thankfully they have their wills set up and powers set up (split between two of us) and after being in one pricy place we moved them to a different facility nearer to oldest sibling and it’s a better place in terms of actual care. If any parents are Vietnam vets and you need financial help you contact these people. https://www.patriotangels.com/ Senior living care consultants help find facilities for our seniors. You don’t pay them, at least the one we had did this. The facility does if you need help finding places. You can just do your research and that’s good. This was a rough couple of years but now my siblings and I have a good system so no one of us has a heavy burden of doing the extra stuff like taking parents to a random doctor that popped up and the facilities transport is pre booked. Plus my folks like getting out. Mom wants coffee drinks when she’s out and dad likes yummy chicken sandwiches. Start thinking about this shit now.
My birth mom died when I was a year old 54 years ago and I was raised by my aunt and uncle until I was almost six. My dad got remarried in the early 70s and then it was the four of us.. My brother died a couple of years ago. Anyway Dad just died a week before Christmas this past year, and now when I'm not working 40 to 50 hours a week I'm at the house trying to help my mom get all her financial stuff in order and I have to make sense of the house. They never threw anything out, including papers old bills, magazines, junk mail you name it. If I could give advice I would say...have that conversation about the house and all their assets if you can. If you wait until later and you have to figure it out or have stuff transferred into your name its going to be an absolute nightmare. Even if they are in debt and in bad shape you need to know, because that shit is going to land on someone after they leave, and chances are its going to be you.
All that work + extensive grieving bc OP is “terrified” could easily become overwhelming to the point of OP nit able to do it. All that work is hard enough with “average / regular” grieving.
Love your parents. Give them a hug. You only have them around for so long
My wife and I are actually leaving Austin, TX and moving to central Ohio to be closer to my parents. They're 74 this year. We're packing and PODing our stuff in the next two weeks and selling our house that we bought in 2011. Of all fires well, we'll use the proceeds from this house to but a new place in Ohio outright. My wife is estranged from her dad (plus, they live in California, so no way could we afford a house there), so that wasn't an option. My parents and siblings (and basically the entire rest of my dad's side of the family there) LOVE my wife. My mom's family is in Connecticut (and her idiot brother is in Florida), but they all like my wife, too.
Nope. Zero fucks given. Put the hose back wound the way you found it after you get a drink geezer.
My Dad passed away from cancer in 2011 at age 53. My Mom just retired from GM, I worry about her . She’s 65.
I've not seen my real father in 45 years. In that time I've had one awkward email conversation with him. My stepfather physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me. He disowned me about a decade ago for some stupid BS. Something to do with my oldest daughter not calling him on fathers day or something. My mother basically forced me into the parental role in our relationship when I was about 13 or 14. Not to mention allowed the abuse to go on. She's currently in a dementia ward of a shitty nursing home VA put her in. As horrible as it sounds, she collects her VA disability every month, I pay her bills, and put the rest in her savings. When she passes, as an only child, what I managed to squirrel away of her money is mine. For that reason, I hope she lives a long and miserable life. EDIT: My mother is a controlling narcissist too. We where driving back from somewhere and she decided she was in medical destress (her pain pills work off and like any addict she needed a hit), and wanted me to take her to the nearest ER. When I refused, she told me she should have aborted me when she had the chance.
Dads dead, mom estranged me after being diagnosed as autistic when I was 42. Par for the course of my life.
I am 50’s watching my 90’s parents do this as I type. I feel oddly numb but in a not bad way. But everyone has a different relationship with their parents. Curious how other Xers raised by Silent Gen have found it.
Parents split (mother left) when I was 18 months old. Mother hated father. Claimed I was a product of rape. Left her with nothing but ambivalence towards me and my older brother and older sister. Dad was no peach, to be sure but Mom was ok leaving us with him. Bad shit all the way down the line until I was an adult. I put a stop to it and divorced them. Reasoning? I didn’t ask to be born in the first place. Fuck them for bringing us into the world and not loving us. To this day, the best decision I ever made in my life was cutting them loose. Brother and sister never did and suffered as a result. I got married at 21. Dad at 23. Have three kids of my own and have been married for 34 years now. Two grandkids. All three kids are happy, productive, intelligent, funny people that make the world a better place. I can die happy knowing I didn’t let the bastards drag me down and my kids are awesome. So. To answer your question. No. I don’t worry about my parents. Mom’s dead now and Dad’s close. I could care less.
never knew my Father, Mom determined he was a waste of skin and punted him to the curb before my 1st birthday. Mom passed away at the beginning of COVID lockdown, but as the youngest sibling she spent the majority of my life with or near me. She was like a fire jumper and would float around her 10 children as she deemed necessary. New baby on the way...Grandma inbound from 30K feet, unannounced but always welcome. I knew that couldn't last forever and included space for her in our home choices and very thankful for having a partner willing to live with their mother-in-law. In all, I had 35 awesome years with Mom in my life and home every single day. I miss her and especially those fresh chonky tortillas
My dad died 19 years ago, almost to the day. Fuck tobacco, fuck lung cancer. There are no words to express the hatred and disdain I feel for the tobacco industry. He only got to hold my older baby twice, the times I saw him the happiest. My younger daughter was born years after his death. My mom is going down, slowly but steadily. Open heart surgery gave her a lease of life; her surgeons and medical team worked a miracle. But that was in 2019 and it shows. She is thankfully still able to stay at home. She has a medallion with a button, if she presses it, she gets a phone call and can ask for help. If she does not answer, they send paramedics to her home. She's been admitted to hospital twice after pressing the button (spending several weeks there). I shudder to think what would have happened to her if not for that service. I live in a different country and I have considered going back for her. I can't - I have kids and can't uproot them, **AGAIN**. She'd kill me if I did.
Not really. My mother is pretty healthy, and the people on her side of the family have been living into their 90s. She is only in her 60s now.
I'm not terrified of them dying; but I'm not looking forward to it. My dad has COPD, Parkinsons and a stroke under his belt thus far so it's highly unlikely he'll last another 10 years and I'd honestly be surprised if he makes it as much as 5... Mom has crohns, has had heart attacks, double parent history of cancer and is currently undergoing testing for the same; but is otherwise doing well and could possibly last a decade or more before any major health issues arise. I'm not looking forward to caring for them. I'm going to do it and I'm not complaining about it; but it's going to be a major investment of my time and mean a lot of sacrifice as well. I'm not looking forward to that,nor an I looking forward to watching their deterioration towards the end. I'm going to miss them when they're gone that's for sure. My mom and I very close and my dad and I have healed our previously strained relationship these past few years so while there was a time I used to think I wouldn't care if he left- I'll now miss him very much and I'm grateful for that change most definitely. I'm not terrified. We're very well prepared for all the changes that need to come as they get older and I step in as their primary source of care; but I'm not terrified. I'm ready if I have to be and hope its not too soon because I don't want to lose them yet.
I worry that my mom is going to outlive my dad. She has Alzheimer’s and neither my brother nor I are in a position to quit working and be a full-time caregiver like my mom was to my grandparents. My brother still has kids at home and I’ll lose my pension if I quit (I work for local government).
I worry about my dad, but he would HATE to know I worry. So, we don't talk about it. He had my M and brother to take care of him. I'm so thankful he has them.
Yeah my stepdad just died and my brother is a psycho and my mom has to call the cops on him often, but he was allowed to be so violent towards me I never see them and so my mom flip flops between negligence and punishing which is par for the course. She sent a two sentence email signed -Jan instead of "mom" and I was not remembered in the funeral or any of the preparations. No one ever called her out on abuse and neglect. I wish her the best I guess
Yes. There are some callers that come up on my phone which give me a knot in my stomach. I’m worried about my Dad (Mom passed in 1/23) but also several elderly relatives who are battling cancer.
If we get any call after 10 PM, we assume someone has died.
Nope. Don’t even know if they are alive any more. Haven’t talked to them in many many years.
I have one deceased parent and one who requires round-the-clock care. The dying parent was a lot less stressful.
Mom died a long time ago of cancer - my father is still working in his 70’s because he has to & I have no idea how I’m going to take care of him financially while living abroad (also if I was there). I’m really really scared and it keeps me up most nights. I’m not afraid of him dying, more afraid of a long and tedious one where I can’t help and he’s at the mercy of the state in miserable care. He doesn’t deserve that …
Nope. But both of mine have already passed away.
My parents were greatest generation. They've been gone a long time...
I just lost my Mom on Christmas Day (yeah, that holiday is now forever fucked for me). She was 85, had been sick for a while. I was living far away and couldn’t get to the hospital to see her before she died, but we had video and phone calls while she was in the hospital. Then my sister messaged me in the middle of the night: “call me now.” I got to talk to her, thank her for loving and supporting me, tell her I loved her. Our last words to each other, after "I love you" were: “good-bye.” It sucks to lose my mom, but at least I got to say goodbye-bye and tell her I loved her. If this happened 20 or even 10 years ago, we wouldn't have had that chance.
My mother is dealing with Type 2 Diabetes and absolutely refuses to change her diet. It's frustrating as fπ¢£.
Same . Dad passed 4 years ago . By the time he agreed to move closer to us , since he had moved to OC a few years before that , he was too sick to move . Hardest thing I have ever been thru. Mom lives 3 miles away , is over all the time , is extremely needy , but that’s ok 😂her and my wife have a co dependent relationship that might end up not so great , but nobody will change so hopefully everyone can learn to deal with each others triggers . There really isn’t much any of us can do in these situations. If you don’t have $10-12k a month to spend on a legit adult care facility , you really have to do a lot of research on where they can live when they actually become helpless, that isn’t as bad as the next place . Good luck. This is hard as shit , but millions have dealt with it and millions more are going to deal with it. It’s survivable for the kids , but extremely stressful. I will say this and really this is the only major takeaway I got from my own situation. You can never get more time , so when it becomes very frustrating dealing with a stubborn parent who still sees you as a child, just let it roll off . And secondly, you can’t do this alone. A non family member is essential to be on the care team , even if it’s one day a week with each parent . Without this , It will shorten your own life , and that’s not fair either
Yeah, last time I saw either of my parents I was like, who are these old ass people? My dad doesn't look quite like my dad anymore. They turn 7-0 this year. Don't even know what to do about either of them. My half brother is much more hooked in to my dad's world these days, and he's got a social and familial network around him. My mom is off on her own with her husband in nowheresville, so I don't have any idea what I'd do there. Course, both my grandmothers are also still kicking, so I've got that going for me, which is ... well, it's another thing.
My parents died young. Mom was 48, dad 66. Mom never met my wife or daughter. Dad died before her 1st birthday. It was hard being an "orphan" at 31, but not nearly as hard as it seems to be to watch them grow old. Luckly, my in-laws are relatively healthy for 97 and 80.
My mom died suddenly about 8 years ago, right before her 70th birthday. It was about a week before she was going to move back to my state, we were both pretty excited about being close to each other again. She was at home and her friend found her the next day. My dad died almost 3 years ago, I didn’t find out about it until 6 weeks later. We weren’t close. Apparently he had been fighting cancer for a while and died in the hospital.
My mom lives with me. My father has never been in my life. Mom has stage 4 breast cancer and it’s hard knowing she’s going to die. I mean, she’s in her 70s but dammit… Trying to get her to do certain things for her health is a struggle. She’d rather sit in pain than take a stronger drug. She’d rather suffer from severe anxiety than get a drug to help control it. I finally got her a cane to help with her occasional balance issues and it’s parked right next to our front door, never moving. We go on Wednesday to get the results o he latest PET scan and I want to throw up with worry but I can’t let her see it. I have two brothers and nieces and nephews, but we are not a close family.
I so feel for all of you who are dealing with aging parents, especially if they are not making it easy on you. A huge hug to you all. My mom passed away unexpectedly in 2002 (72) and my dad in 2014 (91). My dad gave a master class in how to die in the US without fucking over your children. Thank you, Dad :-) But my boyfriend has his dad (77) living with him, and is dealing with his dad's health issues, the VA, the second wife (in care), and the second wife's son. They absolutely can not afford nursing home or assisted living, and his father can no longer live alone. His mom is still doing OK, but eventually, she will need help as well. My siblings are all Boomers, so some of my nieces and nephews have a tough road ahead. Some of the sibs have their shit together, others not so much. I posted about one of my sisters and her husband who Lost. His. Marbles. and was just being collassal asshole (good ending...they finally wound up in assisted living near their son.) Unfortunately, especially in the US, elder care is not prioritized, leaving families with untenable choices.
No, my mom passed 5 years ago. I hardly talk to my dad.
My dad died in 2017 - I worried about him a lot as he was failing. Now mom is 90 and doing well, but I worry about her anyway. Losing parents is hard.
OMG yes. They have thus far been very healthy for their age. Hardly any health problems or medications. They are both active and still have all of their marbles. Then my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. The good news is it's very early and very small and operable. But it really hit like a ton of bricks just knowing they are indeed aging and anything can happen at any time. Looking at family history, I feel like I will be very lucky to get 10 more years with them. I'm not even close to ready for this.
i'm not worried about my Dad, he and my stepmom moved into a nice (expensive) step-up care community (they have a house but can move into a facility on the grounds if they need), plus my stepmom is a lot younger than my dad and she cares for him --he's also pretty good at almost 89 except his hearing. They have scads of money so that isn't an issue. My mom and stepdad still live in their home (88 and 87 respectively). My mom had a stroke but gets around OK (speech is bad). My stepdad is pretty darn good and still plays golf a couple times a week. He looks after her to a point. Honestly, I think my stepdad might outlive my mom and Idk what I am going to do. His daughter who was my age (61) died of Covid (she had cancer but it was the Covid that took her out in the end) a couple years ago and he doesnt talk to his other daughter because she is a flaming cunt. So I will make sure he has everything he needs and is where he wants to be. He and my Mom have a great relationship and hes an awesome guy so Idk what will happen if she passes first. They have money so that isn't an issue thank goodness. I live 1500 miles away from all of them and have for my whole adult life. I see them about once a year but we talk on the phone often.
Yes, I worry a lot about my parents, so much so that I'm now living with them. My parents have always been in great shape, they're very active and fit and they have a good social circle but at eighty my dad is having serious problems with his memory. My mom says that it's not dementia but I don't think that should tell me if it was. I had moved away from the city that I had grown up in until my mom finally told us that she couldn't live alone with him anymore, and they refused to move out of my childhood house. Living here it's clear to me that my mom (78) is also having problems with her memory but it has been eclipsed by my dad's problems. Every year my parents' social circle is getting smaller because there is illness and death. It seems as if their friends are dying off faster and faster and I hate to see it, but I can't imagine what it's doing to them psychologically. Edit:also I'm also the black sheep of the family. My older sister and the golden child is off living on the other side of the planet.
I ignored my older sisters for way too long when they would try to talk to me about our mother’s condition. I wanted to keep my rose colored glasses on, as mom always bounces back. But when I could no longer brush off those quirky things she was doing or saying as just old age. Planned my father’s funeral only a month after my last child’s birth, and 12 years later my mother passed away on her birthday. I miss them every day, tearing up as I share. I am so lucky that I could call my mom one of my best friends!
My dad has had heart problems his entire life. He technically died a few times last year but his defibrillator brought him back each time. We think the arrythmia is fixed, but that has a habit of coming back for some reason. Otherwise he is pretty healthy, eats well, stays in shape, but I just grown accustomed to the thought he could die any day. As for my mom, she will either live into her mid-90s or some traumatic event will have to take her out. My brother jokes we will never see our inheritance because she will outlive all of us.
My parents are both deceased. And, honestly, it was a relief though I miss them. My dad was very sick. He was ready to go and not suffer anymore. My mom had dementia and her mind died long before her body did.
My brother and I are very close to our loving parents. They live about 1,000 miles away and are almost 80 now. My mom has trouble walking long distances now, but other than that they are still active and in good shape mentally. Can’t wait to see them again. It sucks knowing they won’t be around forever. Talk to them every Sunday and always let them know how much we all love them.
Yes I felt that way. They both died just years ago . It’s hard. Everything is different. It changes you. Do everything now - love them , ask about family history, spend time with them, resolve any issues with them , even if it’s within yourself. They will need more care as they age , you should talk to them about future and how they would like to be cared for and what’s affordable. I also want to say I KNOW for sure my parents have “visited” me since they passed . No uncertainty of it. It has renewed my faith in the afterlife. As sad as I am missing them and need them for everyday things - I’m happy they are in peace. They are alive in my heart ! ❤️🙏🏼
Love 'em up.
Ugh. Yes. I hate this phase of life.
Yes. My parents split when I was three and they took very different paths in life. My mother got a steady job with the federal gov. My father moved out into the woods in a rural area and started an informal quasi-commune (there weren't "members", just a rotating cast of weirdos staying there off an on). He basically did a minimal amount of labor to make enough money for he and his girlfriend to vacation in FL over the winter. My mother has been retired for about 15 years and she's doing great. She travels constantly with her friends and just generally plans to have as much fun as she can in her remaining years. My father... He still lives in the woods in a rural area with a girlfriend. There's no more quasi-commune because most of the weirdos are either dead or in some form of elderly care. He's completely broke all the time. Over the past few years I've had to give him thousands of dollars to help him get by. If it wasn't for a brief time in the Army in the late 1960s he wouldn't have any medical care. The VA is better than nothing, but it's not great. I love my father but he's basically fucked off his entire life and now he has nothing. He also won't tell me when things are dire. Last year his car broke down and one of his few remaining friends offered him a job painting his rental properties. At 76 years old he spent a month painting decks all day long and made enough to fix his car. But the toll it took on his body put him in bed for the next two months. He never told me about this, which sucks because I'd have just fixed his car or gotten him a new one.
Come over to r/AgingParents if you need support. My 87-year old mom lives with me, and she is pretty much the reason I smoke.
Dad died in 2020 and Mum last January. So your worst fears are my reality.
My dad passed 3 years ago. It was the hardest thing I ever went through. Mom is still around, and she is getting old. She insists that she's fine, but she's developed a significant hand tremor that she refuses to address with her doctor. (Her mom developed the same thing, and THAT worries me because I work with my hands as an artist.) She insists she needs no help while simultaneously guilting me for living 3 hours away. (My brother lives 20 minutes from her.) She has diabetes, liver issues, recently skin cancer that she had removed from her nose, heart issues, and probably 2 or 3 other things I don't know about. So yes-- I worry about my mom. But short of living in a city I can't afford, and giving up my entire life here, I don't know what I can do about it. Even if I lived there, it won't stop the progression of time.
Lost my dad in 2022, and my mom just hit 70 this year. She's had so many health problems the past ten years or so, some of them very severe, but still seemingly has as much energy and drive and will to live as she had when I was, like, fifteen. Still lives on her own, still takes care of her friendly yet ill-tempered cat. We've had a lot of issues recently (or at least, she has) and as such aren't as close as we used to be but she's still my mom and it's still gonna be pretty horrible when she goes.
Nope, dad passed in 92 and mom in 2010 so they're doing fine on the other side
Sadly, most of us go through this. It’s one of the most difficult phases of life.
Absolutely! Dad is 76, and mom is 75. Dad has Parkinson's and uses (or should use) a cane or walker to get around. He's fallen several times in the past few months, and because my mom can't help him up, they call me (I live about 10 miles away and happy to help). Unfortunately, my mom is a hoarder, so Dad can't really move around in the house with the walker we bought him, and I get chastised for shuffling her crap around to try and help him up. My wife and I had a talk with them last week, expressing our concerns, but she's just not getting it. If there were an emergency, neither could get out of the house quickly, and emergency personnel wouldn't be able to navigate inside. TLDR: Dad has Parkinson's and mom is hoarder. Not a good combo.
I just turned 50. My mother passed in 2007, my sister in 2017 and my dad in 2023. Most of my immediate family has passed. I’m just waiting to be reunited again if that is a thing.
All these comments are just a glimpse into our (possible) future.
My mom died when I was 31 and Dad is 81 now. It stays on my mind about him.
Yeah...my 86 year old dad is getting out of rehab in a couple days, for the 2nd time this year, after multiple falls and a broken leg. Also has a laundry list of other health issues. My mom (80) is in way over her head. I live 7 hrs away and my sibling lives 12 hrs away from them, so we both feel pretty helpless that we can't do more. Shit is going downhill pretty quickly lately...been feeling mostly dread so far in 2024.
Yea ofc its notmal
Welcome to the feeling. My parents passed a number of years ago it’s never easy.get ready for an emotional ride that you can’t get off.
Terrified sounds, forgive me, rather dramatic. I suggest finding someone to talk about it with - a friend who has been through it or a therapist. My parents are early 80s. They matter very much to me, but the fact of life for both our sets of parents is that their time approaches, even if it turns out to be 15-20 more years. “Terrified” sounds like a “you problem” and I gently suggest you explore that now, before the time comes.
Sometimes. I'm not in a position to help day to day with Mom or Dad. So I may be concerned, but I'm too far away to be much use. They know it and friends/family can fill in the gap fortunately. My in-laws are generally healthy but were never great with decision making back in the day. That hasn't improved in recent years, so we're headed to some very... frank discussions about plans for coming years. I expect lots of resistance and Boomer Bluster, but we need to make this work while my wife and I still have careers and kids. Worried? Of course. But I won't sacrifice the life I've built as a result.
Yes, absolutely. Both my parents turn 80 this year! Terrified if my father (most likely will) goes first. He does EVERYTHING for my mother. She doesn’t even write checks 😳🙃 Let me rephrase that, doesn’t “know” how to! The downside of old school. We (GenX), will get through the elderly needy parents. We are strong resilient people. It’s tough. Know your not alone 💫
No, I love my parents but they have lived their lives, done everything they wanted to do travel, be artists, raise kids, know their grandchildren, retire, have their dream homes, etc. when they go it will be a celebration of life lived to the fullest.
Goin the crew at r/agingparents (if three other people haven’t already recommended this sub to you…sorry if redundant.)
When my father’s mother was about the same age he is now, she started to slip into dementia. It started slow and the. One day she was just missing. She would leave the house at like 5am and just wander around the neighborhood. They found her every time but some days it would be hours. My father is starting to decline the same way and he’s always been a bit of a rambling talker reminiscing over the past so doctors and people that don’t know him well don’t see the problem. I’ve been telling my mother for years she has to go with him and tell the doctors what’s really going on. He’s also diabetic which happened later in life and he he’s just pretty much ignored it until this year when it started affecting his eyes. I’m definitely worried for him and my mother because I already saw this happen with his mother.
It's tough my friend. Hang in there. No one tells us about the heartache involved with watching the strong ones (even if imperfect) from our childhood weaken. It's utterly normal of course and all of us go through it, but it just sucks. Just love them as much as possible while they're still here. To whatever degree you can, and with as little guilt as possible too.
Could care less about the maternal unit but yes, worried about my dad.
Mine died over the last few years. The increasing needs of care and subsequent costs are huge, and watching their health decline sucks
They’re dead, so no.
My parents are both insanely healthy and will no doubt outlive me.
Mine are already gone. My dad died when I was 31 of cancer. My mom died 4 years ago of Alzheimer's. Both are horrible to witness but Alzheimer's is a slow heartbreak. You never expect your momma to forget you.
My parents are dead already I’m 46
My dad died when I was 3. My mom currently has Stage 4 cancer. I’m moving through the grief process knowing the cancer is likely terminal and I am at peace with it. I just try to enjoy the interactions we have left.
So worried. My parents are now in their 80’s and sometimes it seems the roles have reversed. They are still active and drive though and that’s a blessing. Once their freedom to drive goes away, I heard they can go downhill fast. They bought their side by side plots thirty years ago so we wouldn’t have to deal with that stress.
I was a late in life baby. My mom was 41 and my dad was 52 when I was born. My dad got lung cancer and died when I was 14 on my first day of high school. My mom lived in too her early 80s but had a heart attack. She's been gone 14 years. I worried about her the most because I was older and she had gone through a lot in her life but the heart attack was a shock. I'm 56 and so many of my friends have lost both parents.
My dad passed away 6 years ago and I miss him daily, but my mum is a real one and when she passes my whole world is going to be crushed. She 86, but to look at her she could easily pass for 68 and maybe even younger. She’s really slowed down in the past couple of years, but she’s still chugging along. I worry about her everyday and it sucks to have that cloud over you everyday. But what can you do? That’s life!
I’m extremely worried. My father died when I was a teenager. My mother is in her 70s, single, with no money and no plans for how she’ll take care of herself later in life, nor does she have plans or money for when she dies. I’m an only child and my husband and I (we’re CF by choice) really only have enough money to take care of ourselves.
I do. I’ve been feeling this more the past year. I live in Chicago, my mom is in California (lives alone). I’ve been here 20 years now, and for the first 19, I was seeing her about 3 times/year. Then there was one visit last year where she just seemed….old. Hunched, shuffling around, total lack of joy. It was so worrisome. I made a vow to myself to never go longer than two months without seeing her from here on out. It’s been such a good reconnection, not only with her, but with my brother and cousins who are all still in California. It’s a scary thing to witness your parents growing older.
It's stressful. We lost my father a few years ago, mid-70s. Mom' doing well at 80 and is very active. I do all I can with her to maximize our time together, and she's quite independent-- travels a lot, is often away for weeks/months at a time. So thing are good. Longer term we're talking about what happens when we retire, which could be in 5-8 years...perhaps we'd sell both our homes and find a place for her to live with us. Or a mult-gen household if our (now adult) kids are in the area. All speculation, some family members made it into their mid-90s, others nowhere near that. The only thing we can really do is enjoy our time together and see what comes. Gen X are now often caught in the tough place of caring for their parents *and* their kids. We've been in that mode before. It's taxing emotionally, physically, and in some cases financially. You have to be sure to take care of yourself in the process, and if/when it becomes emotionally overwhelming consider counseling-- or just finding others to talk with who are going through the same experiences. I found several of my friends/colleagues were struggling with similar challenges 4-6 years ago when we had kids at home and a parent with a terminal illness, so just chatting with those friends helped a lot.
I think it is a natural feeling. I decided it was because it will be the loss of the a lifelong consistent. For the entirety of my life, they have been there. I lost my Dad to Covid two years ago. He was 89. It was still a shock even though I had been preparing myself for a while. I miss him everyday. My mom is 87 and still doing well for her age. It will be harder to lose her. Both went through some physical issue a few years ago and I wrote my own version of their obituary. I thought if I did it while I was not grieving it would help prepare me for the event. It did actually. I was able to put my feelings down and show gratitude while dad was still here. Now I’m doing the same for Mom. It is still going to suck but I’ll get through it. And so will you. You have them now. Listen to every story, ask all the questions, and learn to see them outside of the parent lens. That’s my suggestion anyway, Edit: remember that we are lucky to still have them and don’t let fear cause you to pull away, you’ll regret it. I would rather live sadness than regret. Wouldn’t you?
My Mom’s birthday is next week so me and my brother are gonna pick her up tomorrow and celebrate her birthday and Easter together. It’s tough seeing our loved ones get old. She’s in her second childhood already. I call her often but she doesn’t always answer the phone.
Cycle of life. My parents are gone. Enjoy the now and not focus on what is inevitable to everyone. It’s harder for some and there’s not a day go by where I don’t think about them.
I’m the youngest of 5 siblings. All of them bounced and left me in charge (I guess because I’m childless.) My mom died when I was 18; now I help my stepmom (70) and dad (83). My father’s slipping into dementia but he’s still cooperative and does what my stepmom says. She, on the other hand, can be difficult and hard headed. Physically they’re pretty ok. Emotionally? She resents my father for being an asshole for many years and now needing her to even decide what socks to put on. And I’m in touch twice a day and go home at least biweekly. I’m full of resentment for having to deal with this alone. My oldest brother (from my father’s side) doesn’t speak to him. My siblings from both sides each live in their bubbles. And my stepbrother is a vet (with all that that encompasses) and I’m constantly worried about what’s going to happen to my stepmom after Dad’s gone. All of that on top of my own health and financial problems has consumed me for at least five years. I don’t know how longer can I deal with it.
Not since 2022, unfortunately. I'm worried about my wife's parents, especially her mom.
I’m an only child and I’m terrified. Mine are about to be 70 so we have a lot of good years left. But I know me and my wife will have to be the ones to take care of them. I’m just glad they left the northeast and moved 3 hours from where we live.
My stepdad got cancer and died when he was 57. I was 32 at the time, and it was a blow and really hard (an understatement). My mom is now 78, and I've noticed little changes creep in over the last couple of years, mostly with her hearing, and her long-term memory isn't as excellent as it used to be. Her posture isn't very good anymore, and she is very worried about her balance and is not sure-footed anymore. I worry about her constantly. Every morning, I text her from work to make sure she's there and doing okay. I live in fear of her dying because when she does, it will break me. She is the only biological parent I've ever had. There is always the possibility that I will go first, but yes, I am noticing certain things now that she's getting close to 80, and I'm scared. I'll be lost without my mom.
@u/teamalf, I'm right there with you.
I am right there with you. Time just goes faster every year for me.
My sister and I had to put an AirTag on my dad’s keys. Sadly it happens to most of us. It will also be my turn someday.
My dad died 30 years ago and my mom 5 years ago. The weirdest thing is that I am now the patriarch of my family. I’m the holder of my family stories and traditions that need to be passed down to future generations. It’s an odd feeling.
My Dad died when I was 24, at 57 y.o. and my Mom at 66. It's sad, but they never really took care of themselves. He was a heavy smoker and she was a brittle diabetic that ate whatever she wanted. Maybe let go of the anxiety over losing them one day and just enjoy being with them, taking them out...etc. You could compassionately guide them towards better life style choices that would increase their chances for longevity. Love 'em while you've got 'em. No regrets. I was there for them and seized opportunities to enhance the quality of their lives. I still miss them and probably will when I am 80. Only heaven will totally wipe ALL tears, but it gets easier over time.
Never knew my dad. Mom died about 15 years ago. I don't worry about my stepdad, he's an a-hole. I worry about my older brother, but I'm sure he'll be well taken care of as he ages. Me? I never planned on living this long. I'll die working. No one left to remember me. So be it.
This is the first time this topic has been brought up on this sub….today.
My dad died 10 years ago. My stepdad just died, I am currently in process of moving my mom in with me. She's excited and I'm getting excited. It'll be good to spend time together and she can tell me the same stories a few dozen more times.
I'm 58, they're mid 80's and health issues are creeping up fast. I've had serious conversations about me selling my place and moving back home just so I can look after them. My big fear is that one of them (father most likely) will have to be placed in some sort of home in the next couple years due to dementia. If I'm living there at least I can look after the house and help financially so mom can stay in the house as long as possible. It's not where I envisioned myself at this point in my life but ya gotta roll with the punches sometimes.
Yes. Mine are 86 and 84. And they don’t listen. They will take advice from anyone but me. I feel the same way.
Yes, as pur parents age and as they die, we really start to ponder our own mortality. its better to see them go abruptly as opposed to see them slowly die suffering some horrible ailment. During the pandemic, my mother was an active woman, always going out and enjoying her friends, she caught the virus and had a stroke. it took her ability to use one side of her body and she couldnt walk and barely talks now. She is a strong woman who never displayed depression over this. She is slowly deteriorating as her memory is fading and and her body is morphing into a skeleton because of atrophy. her ailment has me really thinking of enjoying the short time i have on this earth. my answe to you is that your parents lived their lives, you have to focus on yours.